Category: Joe Corey’s Party Favors

  • Party Favors: Wallace Shawn Interview

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    RICHMOND – Pass up a chance to talk with Wallace Shawn? Inconceivable!!!

    Shawn has appeared in more than 125 movies and TV shows over the last 30 years. He was the face of Indie cinema in the early ’80s with My Dinner with Andre. Teenage girls knows him from The Princess Bride. Children recognize him from various Pixar films. Even geeks have experienced him from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. He’s everywhere. Ultimately Shawn is a playwright who acts. Our phone call was in celebration of the release of Marie and Bruce on DVD from Genius Products/The Weinstein Company. He wrote the original play.

    Marie and Bruce are a married couple that are hitting a nasty rough spot. Julianne Moore and Matthew Broderick are well cast as the pair that are having major communication issues. Most of this crisis comes from their ability to avoid talk to each other yet they say so much. She’s ready for a divorce. He hasn’t a clue. I ponder if these Manhattanites were guinea pigs for MDMA (ecstasy) tests. The scene of Julianne Moore on the sofa at a party looks like she’s rolling hard.

    “Of course they’re drinking a lot. Some people have interpreted it as being about drinkers,” Shawn said. “You may be the first to interpret it about people taking a lot of drugs. I don’t really like to tell people how to interpret what I write. In my head if you want to know, that doesn’t matter. I don’t think writers are the biggest experts of what they write.

    “If I were even going to venture a comment…people live a great deal inside their own head where fantasy and reality crash into each other. These two are very involved in fantasy. The party is seen through Marie’s eyes. She’s not seeing it the way you would see it. She’s seeing it through her emotional state. In her mind this is a very important day. The party is the very last moment before she’s making this important announcement to Bruce that she’s going to be leaving him. I think she lives in her imagination anyway. Somebody could speculate that neither of these two have found an appropriate outlet for their talents and their intelligence. It’s filtering into their fantasy life too active.”

    Had Moore and Broderick performed the play before the filming?

    “No,” Shawn said. “But Julianne had read it when she was 18.”

    She seems so natural as Marie. Has she become a reverse muse for the role?

    “I feel we haven an unspoken shared taste in many ways,” Shawn said. “An unspoken shared feeling about many things. There is some kind of natural compatibility.”

    It is hard to imagine any other actress being able to own these lines. Her attitude accents the frustrated and spacey observations.

    “It takes unbelievable technique and inspiration to make this unnatural dialogue seem natural. Particularly in the film it must. Film is in general a very realistic medium. Here you have a film in which the chairs and tables are realistic so the dialogue, even though it is not at all realistic, has to somehow seem realistic and believable. That is the wonderful skill that both Julianne and Matthew bring to it. (Some people) can’t cope with the dialogue and they say, ‘This is not like life.’ Actually, the dialogue in most movies is not anything like life. There are certain movie cliches about life that most movies imitate. This one is some other category.”

    Shawn is only listed for writing the play and co-writing the screenplay with director Tom Cairns. But he didn’t merely type the words and let everyone else make the movie.

    “I was extremely involved in the production. I missed some days of filming, but I was a there for a lot of them. I was totally involved in getting it together before filming. I picked Tom (Cairns). Tom and I have collaborated on many things and have had a wonderful working relationship..”

    He could have easily had his name pop up in various parts of the credits. He didn’t even want to give himself a minor role. “I did make a deliberate decision,” Shawn said. “I wanted to be treated as the writer on this project. It would be an in-joke if I’d appeared in the party playing one of the characters. For those who know that I was the writer, it becomes a distraction. For that moment your focus will be in the wrong place.”

    Two famous faces that do pop up in the film are Bob Balaban (Seinfeld) and Griffin Dunne (After Hours). Both actors have a history with the work. “They were both in the original production of the play,” Shawn said. “Griffin was the character at the party and Bob Balaban played Bruce.” Now the table has turned for Bob since he plays Roger, Bruce’s friend who knows way too much about public sewage projects. Turns nobody played Roger in the original production.

    “That scene didn’t exist in the play. In the play, he says he’s going to meet Roger. She says, “The world’s most fascinating person.” But we never see Roger.”

    Was it interesting to revisit the play to create these inbetween scenes? “It was fun. In the play these are long monologues about their respective day between breakfast and dinner. They are alone and both involved in their imagination. It was fun to film those days.”

    What makes Marie and Bruce entertaining is that they aren’t a completely dysfunctional couple that arrives on Jerry Springer’s stage. There’s hope.

    “There’s potential there that hasn’t been unlocked between them,” Shawn analyzed. “Not sure that if I was a marriage counselor that I’d say, ‘You should get divorced as quickly as possible.’ Freud said people need love and work. These are two people who have not found meaningful work that is important to them. I think that could be very important in them discussing their problems.”

    At this point, our conversation turns to his work. Shawn is an extremely busy man. This TV season he’s appeared on Life on Mars, ER, L Word and Gossip Girl. I have to ask about his time on L Word as the wealthy backer of Jenny Schecter’s movie. What is it like to be the focus of Mia Kirshner’s goddess-like eyes?

    “She’s an extraordinary person,” Shawn praised. “The French refer to someone’s gaze as ‘regard.’ Hers is very unblinking. Strangely unblinking.”

    He sounded kinda disappointed that he was not suspected of killing Jenny. Or that his on-screen relationship with the character was chaste. “There was a clear indication in the scripts that he was in love with her. He hoped for a deeper attachment.”

    I bring up the topic of what it’s like to be an in demand character actor in Hollywood. Shawn puts me straight.

    “In life we’re all leading men and women,” Shawn declared. “We don’t see ourselves as character actors in life. I don’t think too many actors see themselves as character actors. That’s more something that other people would put on you because they have certain cliched ideas about life. Certainly it’s a phrase that I don’t know anybody has applied to himself. God knows I’ve never said I’m a character actor.

    “A character actor is not the main actor. The phrase implies a certain view of life in which there are tall, thin people who are the real people. They are surrounded by a rogues gallery of bizarre people: fat, short, bald. Those people make life interesting for the real people. I don’t see life that way. I don’t see myself that way. In the real world, I don’t occupy a position of being just an amusing sidekick to a guy that lives on the floor below me who happens to be tall. When we meet in the hall, we meet as equals.”

    At that moment, I’m stuck with the strange feeling that we’re having this phone conversation as part of a rehearsal for Synecdoche, New York. The image of Shawn meeting the tall man immediately brings up his role of Vizzini in The Princess Bride. What was it like to work with Andre The Giant, the late wrestling legend?

    “He was fascinating,” Shawn praised. “I found it quite wonderful to meet him and know him. He was a very talented man who had figured out a way to live the life that he wanted to live despite having an absolutely incredible disability.

    “It’s totally remarkable that somebody could walk onto a set and be able to act. That’s very, very rare. I think he’d only been in one movie before that and he had no lines. He was remarkable. He did have incredible ability of hitting his mark. You’re supposed to not just talk but go to right place at the right time. You have little marks on the floor to show where you’re supposed to go. Because the marks are on the floor, you’re not supposed be looking at them. They’re quite hard to follow. I find it quite hard to say dialogue and move and go to the right place at the same time. Particularly to remember that you’re supposed to go over here and then somewhere else and somewhere else. It’s very difficult. He did that effortlessly. He’d do it right on the first take. The rest of us would take several tries to hit it right.”

    Currently Shawn’s in rehearsals for a play with Miranda Richardson and Jennifer Tilly that’s taking place in London this May. Directing him will be his longtime pal Andre Gregory. The duo took the cinema by storm with My Dinner with Andre. The movie was about them having dinner. There was no explosions or gunplay. Just conversation between two people. It became an art house sensation.

    Shawn has never been approached to host a series of interviews over dinner like IFC’s Dinner for Five. He’s had people begging him to recreate the role, but for the wrong reasons. “I’ve steered clear of a few parodies,” he said.

    The good news about the movie is that it is finally coming back to DVD (and hopefully Blu-ray) with a high quality image transfer. “Criterion is bringing it out in the next few months. The results are great.” Shawn and Gregory have been interviewed for the bonus features.

    What is the secret of Shawn and Gregory remaining pals and creative partners?

    “We’ve been working together since 1970,” Shawn said. “We really do have a congruence of tastes. It’s rare to meet someone who is in your field who understands you and you understand them. You’re motivated to stick with that person and make that relationship work. You’re not going to run into anyone like that for the rest of your life. We don’t do exactly the same thing. I write and act. He directors. He can bring things out of me as an actor that are pretty surprising.”

    We talk about a few of the major directors he’s worked with over the years. Perhaps the second most important director in his career is Woody Allen. He’s appeared in half a dozen of Woody’s film. Does he view himself as the nemesis of Woody’s screen proxies? “I was a little bit that it in Manhattan, the first one I did,” Shawn declared. “Otherwise I think I’ve been one of the troupe.” He was hyped as a sexual monster by Diane Keaton’s character in Manhattan. Did this role have the ladies rushing up to him to experience his carnal secrets? He laughed. “Most people took it as a movie.”

    His work as the voice of Rex the Green Dinosaur in the Toy Story movies does get the kids running towards him.

    “I do meet a lot of kids at airports. There are kids who recognize my voice. They hear my voice and go, ‘That guy is dinosaur.’”

    He has recorded his dinosaur lines for the upcoming Toy Story 3. He was relived that during the time when Pixar was going to split with Disney that the mouse didn’t follow through with its threat to make Toy Story 3 without John Lasseter and his crew’s involvement. “That would have been absolutely horrible,” Shawn said.

    One of Shawn’s earliest role is a brief part in Bob Fosse’s dazzling All That Jazz. What memories does Shawn have of working with the legendary director?

    “That was way back there,” Shawn said. “I was only there for like a day. I’m almost incapable of answering that one. It all went by in a couple of hours. It was strange because he was painting a very disturbing portrait of himself. I found it disturbing.”

    As a playwright, would he ever create an autobiographical work that intense?

    “I’m guided by a muse. I don’t choose a subject,” Shawn said. “I don’t have outlines or notecards. It’s more like a sentence comes to me and maybe a few months later I figure out who said it and why. I don’t pick the subjects. I don’t even know who’s talking. Eventually it’s something. After if it becomes something, I can sort of help it become the essence of what it is.”

    My next question was blunt: You were in Southland Tales. What was that about?

    “It was probably a lot of things at the same time,” Shawn said. “One of them that you can’t possibly question is that it’s not supposed to be America today. But it provides some amazing portraits of America today. If somebody asks what was it like in those boom years, the crazy years under George W. Bush, you can probably say look at that party on the blimp in Southland Tales. That was what it was like. The scene on the boardwalk is kinda like what was it like back in the day when people were wandering around on the boardwalk.

    “If you get into questioning it, you might never find the answers. If you take it for what it is, your minutes were well spent watching it. You have to give yourself to the film. To answer the questions either will never happen or it would take 20 viewings to answer. You don’t have to. If you don’t like it, you can leave after half an hour. But it’s worth a third time to watch it.”

    Shawn enjoyed playing a rather glamorous man on the silver screen. “I loved my own character. I’ve never been in a film where I enjoyed my own look more than that. It was amazing,” he said.

    E! and Entertainment Tonight always focus on the work out of the stars. How does Wallace Shawn keep in shape? What is his exercise routine?

    “I live in a fifth floor walk up so that’s my beauty secret,” Shawn disclosed. “In order to go home, I have to perform an athletic feat.”

    DAMN TWITTER

    I hate Twitter. I won’t use Twitter.. Nothing makes Twitter more uncool is seeing senators ignoring a presidential speech with their bodies hunched over so they can Twitter on their iPhones. Good thing most of the senators are now orphans. If my mom caught me Twittering instead of paying attention to the president, she’d beat me with a plank from my campaign platform. There should be a fourth grade teacher going around the Capitol building and taking those iPhones away. How are we supposed to tell children they need to pay attention at major events when the millionaire politicians look like a pack of teenage girls. Sen. John McCain might as well pound the podium demanding the Jonas Brothers perform at his kids’ birthday parties.

    Dear Meghan McCain. I read your blog about how hard it is to find a great guy to date. Sorry to break the news, but I’m married. That means you’ll be settling for second best no matter what. So just go on Craigslist and email Mr. He’ll Do. Of course you can always wait for my upcoming Reality Show: “Mr. Big Love” where numerous women compete to be my really rich mistress.

    BLU-RAY HEAVEN

    Pinocchio: 70th Anniversary Edition Blu-ray is a major upgrade from the Golden Collection DVD. Walt Disney’s version of the fairytale about an old man who makes a wooden boy puppet that comes to life. The big problem is that the boy is still made out wood so he’s a bit of a freak. His only hope is to be good enough that the fairy will turn him into a flesh and blood boy. The Blu-ray picture is gorgeous. There’s an impulse to step through the screen to shoot pool at Pleasure Island. This is the standard of how to do an HD transfer of classic animation. The bonus features include “No Strings Attached.” The hour long documentary gets into the details of how Walt put together the film and its legacy. The deleted scenes are storyboards. They even dig up the live action reference footage used by the animators. We finally get to hear the “Honest John” song that was clipped early in production. They include a DVD of the new transfer for people who aren’t sure when they’re going to buy a Blu-ray, but want Pinocchio in the collection so they won’t have to wait for it to be re-released in a decade. Your nose will grow from the excitement of watching this in 1080p.

    South Park: The Complete Twelfth Season Blu-ray keeps the caustic comedy coming from America’s favorite elementary schoolers. This is the season that brought back memories of Heavy Metal with “Major Boobage.” Kenny can slip into the fantasy world if he lets a cat fart in his face. Just when I thought smoking banana peels was the hot rage with little kids. “Britney’s New Look” really gets to the heart of TMZ’s round the clock coverage of the meltdown queen. We can laugh at this now that the press has declared that Britney is back. “About Last Night……” joins Obama and McCain in an Ocean’s 11 heist. It’s cute, but not cutting. The big bonus feature is “Six Days to South Park.” We get to follow the production details of an episode. They also show how they worked to give “Boobage” the Heavy Metal look. What’s really amazing is how this semi-primitive animation looks so stunning in Hi-Def. This must be how it looks on Matt & Trey’s megacomputer after its been rendered. The discs include a digital copy that’s only compatible with Windows media. Why no love for us Mac users?

    Let The Right One In – Blu-ray is Twilight for grown ups. This Swedish import gives us a real teen romance involving a blood sucker that hasn’t been sanitized for clean living undead creatures. Oskar is a kid who gets extremely bullied at school. He’s a human punching bag. But things get better when he meets Eli. She’s a creepy yet cool girl. Oskar doesn’t quite understand the nature of his new friend. We’re given the horrible fear that she’s going to turn on him. Let’s face the simple fact, a girl has to get a drink from somebody. The blood effects are not for the weak of heart. For anyone who is sick of the Twilight hype, Let the Right One In is the real deal when it comes to fanged entertainment. It’ll spook you. The Blu-ray really sucks you into the chilly environment. You’ll want to break out your Snuggie.

    Primal Fear: Hard Evidence Edition – Blu-ray brings back the moment when Ed Norton declared he was an actor you better damn well notice. He elevates what could have been another terminal Richard Gere film. Some people might want to give credit to the director, but what’s Gregory Hoblit done since this movie that you’ll admit to have paid to see? Norton is an altar boy accused of killing a Catholic Archbishop. His only hope is Richard Gere being his lawyer. The courtroom drama allows Norton to just take his character to the hilt. Is he guilty or being set up? He’s not going to let that define his performance. The Blu-ray really lets you get into Norton’s facial detail during telling scenes. The three bonus features discuss the complexity of spinning a courtroom tale with an intricate web of lies.

    The Kite Runner – Blu-ray reminds us that are a lot of messed up people in Afghanistan. The first half of the film deals with the friendship between a poor child and a child of privilege. The rich kid’s family escapes the country when the Taliban take control. But his guilt drags him back to save his friend. The images are beautiful yet terrorizing. Watching this is 1080p makes you almost want to visit except when you discover the horrifying truth, you’ll never book passage. This is not a tourism board approved visit to greater Kabul. The big bonus feature is a commentary track with director Marc Forster (Quantum of Solace) and novelist Khaled Hosseini.

    A Mighty Heart Blu-ray tells the true story of when Wall Street Journalist Daniel Pear was kidnapped while working on a story in Pakistan. His pregnant wife (played by Angelina Jolie) is in a frantic race against time to free him before the worst can happen. Will he be rescued in time to see his baby’s birth? I won’t give away the ending in case you’ve somehow avoided read a newspaper over the last decade. Director Michael Winterbottom and his crew keep the action gritty. This comes out in the 1080p transfer. You feel the dust kicking up as feet race around. The big bonus feature is a 30 minute behind the scenes documentary. Everyone sticks to the serious nature of the film. There’s even a public service announcement about protecting journalists. Seeking the truth in a warzone is a very dangerous proposal.

    Things We Lost in the Fire – Blu-ray is a small film that deserves bigger attention. Halle Berry’s life has been destroyed by an act of violence. Benicio Del Toro (Che) arrives to help her out. However he’s not the most stable of guys. He’s got demons to battle every day. It’s an emotionally raw film with these two Oscar winners pushing each other to the edge. This was Berry’s proof that Monsters Ball wasn’t a fluke. She’s got skills. “A Discussion” gets down to the characters in this behind the scenes view. Seeing it in Blu-ray lets you appreciate the human qualities of these characters.

    DVD SHELF

    Andy Richter Controls the Universe: The Complete Series brings together all 19 episodes that were stretched over two seasons including 5 that never aired on Fox. Richter is a writer at a major corporation with an over active imagination. He dreams of wearing a suit of puppies into the office. “Little Andy in Charge” has him finally hook up with a hot woman. The trouble happens when he discovers she’s an anti-Semite. In order to feel good about the sex, he volunteers at a local Jewish center. Can this compromise between his big brain and his package work? Or will it explode in a bad way? The show deserved a longer run, but such is the curse of being non-animated comedy on Fox.

    The Fugitive: Season Two, Volume Two keeps the manhunt of Dr. Richard Kimble (David Janssen) going for another 15 episodes.. For those wondering, they’ve kept a majority of the original score. Only a few musical moments have been replaced. “Brass Ring” has Robert Duvall as wheelchair bound guy who runs a merry-go-round with his sister (Angie Dickinson). Kimble helps them out and gets a heaping of Angie. However he’s being set up as a patsy for a nasty crime. “Nicest Fella You’d Ever Want to Meet” proves that Tom Skerritt (Alien) and Dabney Coleman were young. “Fun and Games and Party Favors” gets a thumbs up for the title. “Everybody Gets Hit in the Mouth Sometimes” makes Kimble drive a truck for Jack Klugman (The Odd Couple). This paranoid show is still great viewing.

    J.A.G.: The Eighth Season opens with an extreme change in a cast member when Bud gets his legs blown off in “Critical Condition.” This is a series that doesn’t mess around. I’ve seen shows swap actors or kill them or have them go off to London for acting school. But to go Lt. Dan on a character? That’s intense military action. The other major highlight of the season is “Ice Queen.” It introduces NCSI to the world. Mark Harmon (Summer School) and David McCullam (Man From U.N.C.L.E.) would become major TV stars once more in this military spin-off. They made 10 seasons of J.A.G. so only two more to go before Catherine Bell gets discharged.

    To Catch A Thief: Centennial Collection is Hitchcock bringing the cool to the French Riviera. Cary Grant is a retired jewel thief who finds his old tactics being used by a copycat. Or is he lying to us? He gets tangled up with Grace Kelly in a suave adventure. The second disc has dozens of extra features. “Unacceptable Under the Code” details how the film had to battle the MPAA censors to get away with fireworks. “A Night with the Hitchcocks” has Alfred’s daughter and granddaughter talk about their time with him. There’s a really shocking tale of what happened to the love birds from The Birds. We get a great sense of what went into this production that was mostly shot on location.

    The Odd Couple: Centennial Collection brings a fresh transfer to the movie that truly made Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon an iconic couple (Fortune Cookie didn’t break them that much). Matthau is Oscar, a messy sports reporter. Lemmon is his anal pal Felix. He’s been dumped by his wife and about to jump when he’s saved by Oscar. The two become roommates and the clutter clash goes into overdrive. The best part of the film is how it reminds us of the importance of Poker night. The bonus features deal with how the Broadway play was transformed into the hit film. Did you know the set from the film was used in the first season of The Odd Couple TV series? Matthau and Lemmon’s sons contribute the commentary track.

    Living With the Wolfman follows Shaun Ellis and Helen Jeffs hanging out with wolves. They do look like sweet doggies, but they can turn fierce fast. The show is graphic when showing how wolves tear apart a deer. You might not want kids who love Bambi to get a gander. The eight part series gives a great sense of what wolves are really like in the wild and semi-contained environments. He feeds them roadkill. Shaun is a rather intense looking guy who could easily end up at a UFC match. Do you think this guy ever saw Lucan as a kid?

    Raw Nature is a five part series that brings dangerous lives of animals. There’s no petting zoo footage here. This is about man decided to move into areas once dominated by predator creatures like sharks, rhinos, anacondas and lions. A pack of adventure filmmakers take us into these animal hotzones. It’s like Marlon Perkins to the extreme. No wimpy and cute critters will be exposed on this DVD.

    A Woman Called Golda was one of the last projects from Ingrid Bergman (Casablanca). She plays Golda Mier, a young girl from Milwaukee who rose up to help found Israel. Judy Davis (Barton Fink) plays the younger Golda. Robert Loggia (The Sopranos) plays Anwar Sadat. It’s a strange piece of casting only topped by Nigel Hawthrone (The Madness of King George) as King Abdullah.. Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock) is properly cast as Morris Meyerson. He really is Jewish. It’s got all the flourishes expected in a TV movie that maintains enough historical accuracy to keep everyone happy.

    Sidney Sheldon’s Master of the Game was from the golden mini-series age of the early ’80s. Dyan Cannon is a ruthless woman who won’t hold back. She’s mean as she runs her empire. She steals husbands. Destroys her own son (Harry Hamlin). She wants her granddaughter take over not only her company, but attitude. It’s like reading a trashy beach novel except without the fear of getting a suntan. Cannon would go on to be the most annoying fan at LA Lakers games.

    Elmo and Friends: Tales of Adventure gives us three slices of Sesame Street that will thrill small children. Elmo’s Amazing Alphabet Race has the little red wonder going against the clock to get from A to Z. Hopefully he won’t be looking for those lost letters. Golden Triangle of Destiny gives Texas Telly a leading role. He’s wearing his semi-Indiana Jones gear while keeping the education action coming.. He’s looking for certain shapes. The Adventures of Little Big Bird has the big yellow pal get shrunk down to a few inches high. Can he survive life on the street when he’s small enough to fall through society’s crack? This DVD is only available at Target.

    Jim Gaffigan: King Baby gives us the uncut special that recently ran on Comedy Central. He’s more than just a pitchman for Sierra Mist. My favorite part of the routine is when he talks to us about bacon. “Yeah bacon.” He knows the secret of bacon and how anything can be improved if wrapped in bacon. “Bacon bits are the fairy dust of food.” Mmmmm bacon. How can you not like a comic who loves bacon? More bacon comedy. The DVD also includes episodes of Pale Force and Our Massive Planet. Get to know Gaffigan, your new bacon buddy.

    Secrets of the Furious Five is a thirty minute special featuring the cast of Kung Fu Panda. We learn the secret origins of the other five fighters that backed the Panda in his feature film debut. The Panda has to teach a bunch of little kids and uses his pals’ origins as inspiration that all buttkickers start small. Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman return to their character voices.

    GIVEAWAY ON THE RUN

    CBS DVD is allowing 5 lucky readers to win a copy of The Fugitive: Season Two, Volume Two. All you have to do is answer this simple question: What faceless star of the Fugitive went on to his own Quinn-Martin series? Send your answer along with your name and address to mokaha@aol.com. The staff of Party Favors, Richard Diamond and Harrison Ford are not eligible to win.

    Genius Entertainment and Sesame Street want 5 other lucky readers to win a copy of Elmo and Friends: Tales of Adventure. All you have to do is tell me what Muppet was featured in my Creepy PA segment of the Party Favors. Send you answer along with your name and address to mokaha@aol.com. The staff of the Party Favors, Buddy & Jim and Mr. Hopper are not eligible to win. Both contests end March 24. Good luck.

  • Party Favors: Let Them Make Cake

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    BALTIMORE – Duff Goldman already has a plan for Kevin Smith’s birthday cake. The star of the Ace of Cakes dreams of delivering a frosted delight that will put all his baking skills to work. His design will blow away the masterpieces delivered to Roger Moore, Harry Potter and John Waters. What is it? First you’ll devour my chat with Duff before getting to the dessert.

    Here’s a shot of his Tequila cake in case you haven’t seen the show.

    His series has become a major hit for the Food Channel since it debuted three years ago. The half hour series takes us inside the Charm City Bakery. Unlike the channel’s other shows, he doesn’t teach us how to bake. Instead we marvel as his bohemian staff construct complicated birthday and wedding cakes. What’s the secret of his show still going strong while other reality shows hit fumes at this point?

    “When the cameras are not there, we’re the same way,” Duff says. “We still fuck around just as much. We go on vacation. We do synchronized walking. The cameras just catch us doing what we do. I think it’s our honesty. A lot of people try to fool the public. We’ve gotten of criticism over the years for having a lack of drama. The drama is in the cake. We all love each other. We’re family. If there is any staff tension, that’s off camera. The drama is in the fact that we have these crazy cakes to make and a deadline to meet. Things are falling apart and we always fix them. I love it when they show cakes fall apart. What keeps it interesting is that its very real. It’s like The Truman Show. It’s a real reality show.”

    Does this means that the upcoming episodes of Ace of Cakes won’t have Heidi and Spencer as his new bakers for season seven?

    “Oh God, no!” He protests. He’s already dealt with MTV. “My Super Sweet Sixteen called the bakery and asked if they could film an episode with us. I was like, ‘If you bring one of those kids in here, I’ll throw them out.’ They were like, ‘You can’t do that. You can’t tell them to leave. This is a show about the kids doing what they do’. And I was like, ‘Well that’s fine. I don’t want to do it.’ It’s propagating this culture of disgustingness.”

    We joke about how he could have lured the birthday brat into an oven like Hansel and Gretel. That would be great TV. He gets plenty of offers to pop up in other venues. He and the sly sous chef Geof Manthorne will appear in an upcoming episode of King of the Hill. But they don’t say yes to everything.

    “There’s been a couple of offers from other type of venues and we’ve just turned them down. ‘We don’t think you’re that cool.’” Duff knows the catty nature of the internet. “People let us know that we’re not very cool. We can take that type of criticism because we like what we do.

    “After season one I was really fucked up. I was reading those blogs and thinking, ‘Those people hate me.’” It went further than evil postings on the internet. “I had a death threat one time. This dude called the bakery. He said he was going to kill me. ‘Why’s that?’ He said, ‘You’re pretending to like your job. You and all your friends up there on your stupid little show. You got all this money. I’m going to kill you.’ This guy was really angry. I was trying to talk to him. I was like ‘I’m not loaded.’ The life that I lead is probably not what you think.”

    Luckily the guy calmed down. But there’s numerous website threads dedicated to trashing Duff’s reputation. But he’s learning not to take let the haters win.

    “We’ve never claimed that we’re the best cake decorators in the world,” Duff says. “I don’t think we are. We’re the most entertaining..” The show depends on Duff, Geof, Mary Alice, Katherine, Sherri and the rest of the staff having fun while working. This isn’t about intense perfectionists quietly tinkering away.

    It does bothers Duff when the internet Haters doubt his sincerity when doing nice things on the show. He recently made a cake for Army soldiers stationed in Hawaii.

    “Some people were really ripping us up by calling it a publicity stunt,” Duff says. “We got an email from a solider who had just returned from Iraq. He said he was deployed right when our show came out. Him and his family bonded over our show. His kids would write him saying there’s this crazy show on TV.. He didn’t know what show they were talking about. They’d write him every week and tell him what we were up to. When he got back, he watched all the shows. He was like, ‘These guys are really hilarious.’ He sent an email to the bakery saying, ‘If you’re ever in Hawaii, look us up. We’ll take out for shrimp.’

    Lost called. They wanted a cake.” They decided to meet their fans while in the land of Jack Lord. “If we’re going to be in Hawaii; instead of going out for shrimp, why don’t we make a cake for this guy and his family? He ran it up to his superiors and they asked if we can make a cake for the whole base.”

    Maybe the insincerity of shows with Gene Simmons, Hulk Hogan and Tila Tequila have robbed us of thinking people on TV are capable of being nice without it being a media whore moment.

    “Remember when Jay and Silent Bob were checking on the internet? I feel that way sometimes,” Duff says. “I really want to lash out. But at the same time, it’s fine. There’s so many that touch us in a positive way.”

    Over the years the image of Baltimore has been shaped by the debauchery of John Waters and the seediness of The Wire. Has Ace of Cakes become beloved by the mayor’s office with young kids, gainfully employed and loving their life in the city?
    ?”Yes. Very much,” Duff said. “We’ve been fighting The Wire stigma. It’s such a good show, but why does it have to be about my town? Everything they showed was totally true from the government corruption to life on the street.” However Duff points out that not every neighborhood is controlled by Marlo’s soldiers. “Fells Point is great. Federal Hill is great.” He recommends visiting Little Italy for the bocce tournament.

    Duff could have found himself as an extra on The Wire when he nearly bought a store next to methadone clinic. Luckily he found the location featured on his show. For those curious about the Charm City building; it was constructed in 1889 as a Lutheran Church. The main working space shown on TV is 5,000 sq. ft. They keep the thermostat around 66 degrees. There are two separate basements. One is used for the interviews and a workshop for non-food construction and painting. The other has the washing machines, TV crew’s bathroom and a recording studio for Duff’s band, soihadto. There’s a second floor space that was Duff’s pad. Now it’s where they stash all the t-shirts and other merchandise.

    At the end of season five, the show focused on a possible Charm City West. Duff is still in the process of figuring out a location for a Los Angeles space. “We already do so much business out there. We’re flying back and forth. It’s grating. Why don’t we just open up out here? It’d be so much easier than what we’re doing now.” He’s taking his time since rent rates can be very outrageous in SoCal. He was quoted $500,000 key money and $18,000 a month for one empty restaurant. One location had a bar attached to it, but unlike the stars of A&E’s Miami Ink, Duff has no dream of owning a bar. “I’m a baker. This is what I do.”

    Speaking of baking, how long can the cakes sit around the shop while being decorated? The show seems to have them on the prep pedestal a week before delivery.

    “That’s the magic of television,” Duff says. “We don’t bake the cakes until later in the week – usually Wednesday and Thursday (and sometimes Friday) for a Saturday event. Monday and Tuesday we’re making all the decorations like sugar flowers, templates, all the engineering gets done before the ovens are turned on. The cake is fresh. With us being under the microscope, we have to make sure our cake tastes good.”

    Viewers of the show mention that there’s never any focus on baking the cake. “A show about baking is pretty boring,” Duff declares. “The baking part is really monotonous and the same every time. The design of the cake is what appeals to television. What really appeals to our customers is the flavors. We have 50 flavors. We also have our In and Out Burger secret menu where you can call up and ask for anything you want. We’ll figure out how to make it.”

    On the show, the gang have made quite a few grotesque cakes especially for area doctors who enjoy severed limbs on their special day. Have there been cakes that the Food Network executives have nixed from airing? Will there be a Pay-Per-View Ace of Cakes: Too Creamy for TV?

    “If that’s happened, I’ve never heard of it,” Duff swears. “We really don’t do X-rated cakes. It’s just a waste of time. We’ve seen most of that stuff and it’s really gross. If we did it; we’d do it really well and kinda cool.”

    While the show does its best to be real, Duff admits to a moment that had to be toned down for TV. During the episode where they delivered Roger Moore a cake at the United Nations, the hotel housekeeping ate their extra cakes.

    “That was one time when people were emailing me saying, “That wasn’t real.” My reaction that was shown on TV wasn’t real,” Duff confesses. “My real reaction? They couldn’t use a word of it. I was screaming at that manager threatening to cut his balls off and blow up his hotel. They don’t want to show me doing that. I don’t do that except maybe once every year.”

    Should we fear that any day now TMZ will release Duff’s greatest rants?

    “I’m sure there’s a lot of Christian Bale moments that will crop up. Not even of me freaking out. I’m usually really filthy on camera. We’re always dropping innuendoes, but keeping a real straight face when we’re doing it. We hide little tiny fondant dicks all over the bakery, hoping the camera will catch one of these and nobody will see them during editing.”

    Forget the hidden Mickeys at Disneyland, now you know that you can play the hidden penis game while watching reruns of Ace of Cakes. He’s been saucy on the show.

    “The first episode of the first season Sherri and I were making a non-edible dinosaur with pipe, rope and modeling chocolate,” Duff says. “It was a centerpiece for the Children’s Center in Baltimore. They wanted to keep it for five years. We macramed the legs and tail with rope. As we were doing it, I said, ‘You know this reminds me of the bong I made in college.’ The episode aired and that line was in there. I was like, ‘Oh my God. They got me saying bong on TV. Everybody is going to think I’m a stoner.’”

    Did Duff have to beg forgiveness from the people of China like his homeboy Michael Phelps?

    “Not at all,” Duff declares. “I think they’re giving Michael a really hard time.” We joke about how Phelps should have stuck to pot brownies. No sponsor would drop him for a photo of baked goods in his mouth.

    Does Duff have to be extra careful now that he’s a public figure to avoid getting into trouble like a drunk driving charge? Does he stash plenty of cab fare cash to avoid Ty Pennington headlines?

    “I don’t drink. I’m allergic to alcohol,” Duff said. He is still amazed at Thomas Keller’s food magic from his tenure at The French Laundry in Napa Valley. Towards the end, he felt isolated in the area. “The only thing in Napa Valley is wine. You go out to eat and all you do is talk about wine.” Being allergic to wine really doesn’t make it that much fun of a prime topic. He mentions that if you are in Napa Valley, visit Francis Ford Coppola’s winery to check out the second floor museum.

    If you see his band soihadto at a local club, don’t feel obligated to buy him a beer. Duff doesn’t hang out by the bar while on the road. “My band makes fun of me because before a show, I’ll sit in the van and read. We’ll get on stage and play. We’ll break down the equipment and I’ll get back in the van and read.” If you’re curious about their sound and upcoming tour dates, visit www.soihadto.com

    Unlike Anthony Bourdain, do not think you can get tight with Duff by ragging on Racheal Ray. During one show he had to deal with an loudmouth opening act who realized that the identity of the headliner’s bass player as “That cake guy.”

    “They ripped apart the Food Network while they were on stage,” Duff said. “They were saying especially mean stuff about Racheal Ray. They never mentioned me. They were just saying awful things about her. I got up on stage while the talking was going on. I got in their bass player’s face. “Seriously, lay off.’ I wasn’t looking for a fight. We were filming so my camera crew was there.”

    The band shut up and played their music. While Duff was setting up his equipment for their set, the opening act bass player stepped up to the stage.

    “‘So you got anything else to say?,’” Duff quotes the guy. “He’s got these two huge dudes behind him. ‘I’m not trying to fight. I found what you said offensive and I wanted to put an end to it. I’m not trying to get into a bar fight with you.’ I look up and I see that behind the goons is our entire camera crew. They’re all L.A. nasty camera crew guys not to be fucked with. There’s 11 of them. I said, ‘Actually on second thought, fuck you!’ I pushed the guy. And then his two goon go toward the stage and 11 pairs of hands grab them all and pull them back. The guy turns around and sees his buddies wrapped up in 11 guys and was like ‘Oh shit.’ And that was it.”

    Don’t mess with that cake guy.. Unlike stars who use their fame to get a singing career like Joaquin Phoenix and Lindsay Lohan, the band came before the frosting fame.

    “The rock and roll was way before the bakery,” Duff said. “I started the bakery out of my apartment just so I could be able to set my own hours and block off dates when I could go on tour.”

    His sous chef Geof hooked up with Duff so he can also have a job that allowed him to be in a band. Most of the Charm City crew are in bands. Unlike many jobs where the boss gives you the talk about choosing between your career and your hobby, Duff insists on the opposite. “The way it’s set up is at any point anybody can go and do whatever they do. Be it a synchronized swimming show, a music show or an art show. It makes me happy knowing that from day one that this place is an excuse so we can all live rock star lives. Now it’s even better. Whenever I have a speaking engagement, I take my band with me. We book a show at whatever city we might be in.”

    I bring up the nightmare that his show on Food Network might be the longest lead in for an episode of Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Does he have this fear that he’s being scammed into thinking he has a show on the channel like the unwitting cooks on that series?

    “No,” Duff laughs. “I’ve tried to get on and they won’t let me. I’ve cooked as long as I’ve baked. Let Bobby choose the throwdown and I’ll do it. They’re like, “We can’t. If (Bobby) loses it’s kinda an Iron Chef thing and it makes him look bad because the cake guy beat him at something culinary.” And if Duff wins, Bobby merely beat the cake guy. There’s no justice for a man with fondant stained fingers.

    Has he been approached to tag team on a very special episode of Iron Chef? “I’d love to. They’re talking about a lot more of that stuff.” We can only hope that this holiday season Duff joins forces with Michael Symon to create a deep fried pork cake wrapped in bacon.

    The seventh season of Ace of Cakes is about to go into production. Duff will soon visit to Alaska to help him research a cake that celebrates the anniversary of its statehood. He’s scheduled to take part in many native sports including dog sledding. “They want me to discover Alaska beyond Northern Exposure.” Will he whip up a baked Alaska while in the 49th state? “I have when I was a pastry chef at a hotel. It’s a weird mom thing. I was in Colorado and they loved the baked Alaska.”

    Many recent fans of Ace of Cakes are shocked to see Duff and Geof losing on old episodes of Challenge. But unlike many of the other pastry chefs that looked like they’ll bust a blood vessel if they didn’t get the medal; Duff and Geof were easy going no matter the outcome.

    “We always lost, but we never played to win,” Duff says. “We went there to have a good time. The people we were competing against were vastly superior to us. We would always keep an eye on all the other decorators because they were showing us stuff that we would never know about.” The competition became Duff and Geof’s master classes.

    Duff has also learned from another master: Kevin Smith.

    “I’m a Kevin Smith freak,” Duff declares. “I have all his DVDs of him doing talks. When I do a speaking engagement, I pretty much base them on how Kevin does his.” An Evening with Kevin Smith is better than the Toastmasters Speeches Guide.

    What sort of birthday cake would be make the director of Dogma?

    “I would do a very realistic life-size bust of Ben Affleck with that shit eating grin on his face. I’d have him saying something really smart ass.”

    Write your Senator to make this brilliant project a reality. The world needs to know what’s the flavor of Ben Affleck’s brains.

    Towards the end of the conversation, we discuss how Ace of Cakes took over from the numerous tattoo shop reality shows. These are shows about people wanting something close to them turned into an object of art with the help of others. The big difference being the lack needles. What makes Cakes special is the lack of dead weight in the shop. Everybody has talent and does their best to make a cake work.

    I feel bad about my sloppy cake making skills. My frosting looks like California mudslides. Instead of running off to the circus, I wanted to flee to Charm City and cover my life in fondant. Maybe Duff has a need for a full-time taste tester?

    Unlike HBO’s Cathouse, visitors aren’t welcomed to drop by Charm City Cakes. They’re pretty busy inside. There’s no public tours. We joke about how it’s like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. They do get plenty of tourists taking snapshots of the bakery and sometimes the modern Oompa-Loompas will appear.

    “If we’re not busy, I’ll stick my head out and say hi to somebody that’s taking a picture,” Duff said.” If somebody rings the bell and we don’t have an appointment, we won’t answer the door. We don’t do tours because this is where we work.”

    FUGITIVE CUES

    Plenty of people were upset about the replacement score on The Fugitive: Season 2, Volume 1. The music was a victim for Capitol disbanding their needle drop package. But it seems like the folks at CBS DVD have figured out what original music can by kept on the soundtrack. They sent me over a note for folks who want this new version of the DVDs:

    In response to fans of the classic TV series THE FUGITIVE, CBS DVD is offering a new version of Season 2, Volume 1 – with much of the original music restored – free to purchasers of the initial release. We hope they concur that we not only put TV DVD on a pedestal, but also our customers. To obtain the new version, go to www.fugitivedvdreplacement..com and follow the instructions.

    You only have to send in the proof of purchases to get the replacement discs.

    BLU-RAY HEAVEN

    The Boondock Saints Blu-ray is a major step up from what I saw on DVD nearly a decade ago. This tale of two Irish brothers going after the Russian mob in Boston is a comedy dripping in blood and bullets. What saves this over the top film is Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery being so likable as the violent brothers who view themselves as doing the Lord’s work. Willem Dafoe is spectacular as the police detective who channels the crime scene to expose the mayhem. He knows how to chew up a scene like a shark. He goes so over the top that the script appears normal. Ron Jeremy has another one of his legendary cinematic deaths. Will he ever live long enough to make a sequel? The bonus features include outtakes and deleted scenes. Fans of the early days of the Comedy Channel will be in awe of extra minutes of Jimmy Tingle as the confessional priest.

    The French Connection Blu-ray brings the 1971 Best Picture Oscar winner to a new color palate. Director William Friedkin has digitally tweaked it by a process demonstrated on a bonus feature. Purists will argue that he defiled the film. The last time I saw a 35mm print, the red shift had taken effect. Friedkin’s given the film an even gritty color chart. I like it. The film has New York cops Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman) and Buddy Russo (Roy Scheider) stumble across a major heroin shipment. The mobsters are hooked up with a Frenchman (Fernando Rey). The highlight of the film involves Popeye chasing after an elevated train. The glory of this chase is only heightened in the bonus features when they confess that they didn’t quite close the streets. This was not a closed course. The Blu-ray will bug people who have grain issues. They didn’t use many lights.. The film is pushed thus really visible grain in these low level moments. There’s a second Blu-ray disc packed with documentaries about the film. Friedkin revisits the scene of the chase. All of the bonus features from the earlier five star edition DVD have been brought over.

    French Connection II Blu-ray could be subtitled Popeye Doyle’s Really Bad European Vacation. New York’s best narcotics cop has arrived in France to hunt down Fernando Rey. However Popeye’s got issues on his pursuit since he doesn’t know the language or the streets of Marsailles. He’s not allowed to carry a gun. Things go bad when he’s snagged by Rey’s crew. Instead of killing Popeye, Rey gets him hooked on heroin. Can Popeye escape, survive cold turkey and capture Rey? John Frankenheimer took over the directorial chores from Friedkin. He used plenty of lights so there’s no major grain on this 1080p transfer.. Before his death in 2002, Frankenheimer recorded a commentary track for the film. His career in film and TV is covered in another bonus feature.

    Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder Blu-ray is the fourth movie featuring the cast of the defunct animated sci-fi series. Amy Wong’s dad plans to take out an arm of the Milky Way in order to expand his miniature golf course. While protesting this, Fry gets into an industrial accident. Instead of being injured, he can now read minds. This leads him to his new career as a pro Poker player. Him and Bender discover that winning doesn’t make you popular. “The League of Mad Fellows” arrive to take the story into another dimension. Folks who’ve collected the first three will be pleased how the final feature turns out. Hopefully Fox will make another batch. They can’t let Bender perish into the hiatus void. There’s plenty of bonus features on the Blu-ray. A deleted scene is called “Dolomite Hill.” There’s a short about Matt Groening experiencing zero gravity. “Zapp Brannigan’s Guide to Making Love At A Woman” has clips from the master of seduction. You might want this on your iPhone to reference during a hot date.

    Igor Blu-ray is a cute CGI animated feature. John Cusack voices a hunchbacked Igor who dreams of being a mad scientist. However society demands he merely throws the switch. He gets his chance to create a hideous monster, but finds himself a victim of politics. Steve Buscemi cracks me up as the animated cat. Steve ought to voice a new version of Crusader Rabbit. Jay Leno plays a king who decides his country’s best export is fear. It’s better than an economy based on Beanie Babies. John Cleese and Eddie Izzard voice mad scientists. Those English actors are always criminally insane.

    The Pink Panther: Collector’s Edition Blu-Ray brings the sophisticated jewel heist comedy to the next level. This is still the best of the Pink Panther films because David Niven keeps it from turning into a complete farce. No matter how foolish Peter Sellers becomes as Inspector Clouseau, Niven has his suave attitude to cushion the slapstick. There’s also two saucy actresses to keep the action sexy. Capucine is Clouseau’s wife. She’s also Niven’s partner in crime. Claudia Cardinale is the princess with the Pink Panther diamond necklace. She is so tasty while smothering her tiger skin rug. While watching this in 1080p, you should have a bottle of champagne next to the remote control. The bonus features from the movie boxset are included. A new feature is an interview with a real jewel thief. He robbed Phyllis Diller. Now that’s would make a great movie. There’s also a DVD version, but you’ll want the Blu-ray to enjoy the lavish view of the Alps.

    DVD Shelf

    The Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection is a 9 DVD set that contains all the Pink Panther, The Inspector, The Ant & The Aardvark and Roland & Ratfink shorts. This is a megaload with 192 cartoons. The Pink Panther is always cool with his silent and sly ways. The fact that he refuses to talk makes these cartoons perfect for watching while people are being noisy in the room. The Inspector was a semi-spin off of Inspector Clouseau. They don’t draw him to look like Peter Sellers or even the animated Inspector that pops up in the title sequences for the Pink Panther movies. Pat Harrington (One Day At A Time) voiced the character. The Ant & The Aardvark was a chase cartoon. Warner animation legend lifted a few Tweety and Sylvester scripts on a few of these cartoons. John Byner did both voices. He made the Ant sound like Dean Martin while the Aardvark comes off as Jackie Mason. Roland and Ratfink spoofs the old flickers with the hero and villain characters. Lennie Weinrib vocalized both characters. He’s best known for mouthing H.R. Pufnstuf. This one cartoon that I still don’t think was that great. I wished they’d given us Misterjaw instead. The Pink Panther cartoons alone are worth it. There’s also a coupon for 2 tickets to Pink Panther 2 that’s good until the end of March.

    What Just Happened lets us in on two weeks of Art Linson’s life. He’s the producer that brought us Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Fight Club. In this semi-fictionalized account (Robert DeNiro plays Linson), he’s stuck between two difficult films. Michael Wincott is deep into post-production of a Sean Penn film The test screening audience was revolted at the ending that involves a dog being shot. The studio wants it pulled. The director refuses to budge. A second project is not going to get off the ground if Bruce Willis doesn’t shave his beard. This is an inside the studio account of what it takes for even a big time producer to appease the system. DeNiro also gets to juggle two ex-wives and a naughty new friend (Moon Bloodgood). The film is enjoyable, but it comes off as a pilot for an HBO series. It’s like Entourage for grown ups. The commentary track with Barry Levinson and Linson is better than any talk you’ll get in film school from the schmuck who directed an episode of Charles In Charge. The Blu-ray makes the dog killing look exceptionally disturbing.

    How to Lose Friends and Alienate People alienated me with its title and trailer. This film promoted itself as Simon Pegg is the world’s biggest jerk. Why would I pay to see Toby Young’s lifestory? You might know Young as the prick English judge on this season of Bravo’s Top Chef. I find the guy another worthless import who is all hype and no pipe. Did you see when he talked about Tom Cruise’s cameo in Tropic Thunder? Cameo? A cameo is when Hitchcock pops up on the screen for a few seconds. Tom Cruise was a supporting actor. He might have been in disguise, but he was on the screen for critical scenes. Guess you don’t have to answer movie trivia to get though customs. However Pegg’s character has more personality than the real Toby. They really needed to change the name of this film to let us know the real story. How about Simon Pegg Wants to Hump Megan Fox? That’s the basic story. Pegg writes for a Vanity Fair magazine. He meets the up and coming actress and wants to nail her. Of course there are things in the way like Gillian Anderson (X-Files) and her little yappy dog. There’s also a jerk editor and a sweet co-working girl (Kirsten Dunst) that take him off his game. Who cares about the book title in America? What guy couldn’t relate to what is it going to take to shag along with Ms. Fox? Toby Young being a movie moron relates his tale with La Dolce Vita. That’s so wrong. His lifestory is a retread of The Apartment. Except he’s no Jack Lemmon. He’s not even Fred MacMurray.

    The Haunting of Molly Hartley has a high schooler discover that her parents made a deal with the devil over her birth. Maternity hospitals are rather expensive and Satan does offer attractive rates to cover the deductible. Molly starts having problems at her privates school. The film is so goofy that it deserves a drinking game. That Chace Crawford guy from Gossip Girl is the school hunk. What deal has he made with Satan? The stand out performer is Nina Siemaszko. How delightful to witness the star of Wild Orchid II: Two Shades of Blue playing such a convincing school counselor.

    Dead Like Me: Life After Death is a movie follow up to the Showtime series that ended in 2004. George Lass (Ellen Muth) died when a toilet seat fell from space and hit her on the head. Instead of going to heaven, she works as a reaper. She helps the recently departed make the transition. She finds herself working for a new handler. It’s Desmond from Lost (Henry Ian Cusick). She doesn’t trust the guy, but the rest of the crew are in lust over him. The new boss wants them to boost up the numbers even if it means bending the rules. Is George willing to compromise? It’s one of the better movie continuations of a defunct series. You can also get this movie as part of Dead Like Me: The Complete Collection that includes its two seasons.

    Return of the Man From U.N.C.L.E..: The Fifteen Years Later Affair is another TV movie continuation of a canceled series. This one originally aired back in 1983. That it makes it the 25th anniversary of the 15 years later. Or 40 years since Man From U.N.C.L.E. was canceled. Napoleon Solo (Robert Vaughn) and Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) are called back into the spy game when Thrush strikes. Geoffrey Lewis (the man who isn’t Robert Pine) captures a nuclear warhead. Patrick Macnee (The Avengers) is now in charge of U.N.C.L.E. George Lazenby semi-revives his James Bond role. Anyone who bought last year’s Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Complete Series needs this to truly complete their briefcase.

    Family Ties: The Fifth Season brings us the genius of Nick! “Mrs. Wrong” has Mallory rushing off to New Jersey to marry Nick. Who knew the Garden State is also for elopers? Only two more seasons to wrap up the series. “My Brother’s Keeper” has Alex choosing between his frat and Skippy. The Greeks want to make Skippy their “Big Stooge.” As if being on the show didn’t make Skippy already a mega-dork. “It’s My Party” has Tina Yothers learns to be cool as a Valley Girl. Those were the days when it was cool to be Moon Unit Zappa. There’s 30 episodes here. Only two more seasons to go before the series is wrapped up.

    Caroline and The City: The Second Season should be dedicated for all the single ladies who love their kitties. The season has Caroline dating her vet. Is that the dream marriage of these women? The big cat highlight involves David Hyde Pierce (Fraizer) in “Caroline and the Cat Dancer.” He’s an IRS auditor assigned to investigate Annie. He dreams of making the Broadway stage. He promises to give Annie a clean bill if she can get him an audition for Cats. She’s in that show. He’s hilarious when they slap on the fur. This is a nice gift for your cousin who always sends Christmas cards telling you everything her cats did over the last year.

    Nash Bridges: The Second Season reminds us that Cheech Marin was the real star of this show. Sure Don Johnson plays the title character, but it’s all about Cheech in the completely strange role as the law. Who could have imagined the star of Up In Smoke would be wearing a badge in a semi-serious TV drama? After an extremely short first season that had only 8 episode, there’s 23 caseloads in this boxset. “Internal Affairs” has Danny Trejo in a really short role.. He survives long enough to show off his massive senorita in the sombrero tattoo. “25 Hours of Christmas” is a very special episode since Tracey Walter (Repo Man) plays an angel. Madonna’s original sperm donor, Carlos Leon is a auto mechanic. The big ending has Cheech performing with a band featuring Clarence Clemons (Bruce Springsteen) and Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge). The show doesn’t try to be as intense as Miami Vice even though they have Eddie Jobson (Prog Rock Vet) composing the score. Nash Bridges is a cop show that Jimmy Buffet would produce.

    Whale Wars is an Animal Planet series about people putting themselves between the Japanese harpoons and whales. Sometimes you forget that these giant water mammals are still hunted. The crew of the Steve Irwin are passionate about their mission. They’re willing to get shot and rammed if it means distracting the hunters. What’s disgusting is how a Japanese whaling ship has “Research” painted on the side. The captain was thrown out of Green Peace for being too aggressive. He formed Sea Shepherd to keep up the fight. These guys know they might be killed on the high seas around Antarctica by whalers.

    7th Heaven: The Eighth Season brings us more troubles from a Reverend’s family. For this outing we have Stephen Collins (Star Trek: The Motion Picture) deal with his son being in a terrible auto accident. There’s babysitting issues. The big startling things is somebody gets to become grandparents.. This show was so squeaky clean that the DVDs are pine scented.

    GIVEAWAY TIME

    The fine folks at CBS DVD have given us 5 copies of Nash Bridges: The Second Season. In order to win a copy of you have to answer the following question: What type of tires did Cheech have to buy for Don Johnson’s car? And what’s my favorite guest star of this season? Would you like a hint? She released an album. Send the two answers in an email to mokaha@aol.com by March 2. Have “Nash Bridges Giveaway Rocks My World” in the subject title. Employees of Party Favors, Tommy Chong and Philip Michael Thomas are not eligible.

  • Party Favors: Crystal Lake Memories

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    CRYSTAL LAKE – Jason-mania is hacking its way across the country. The Marcus Nispel re-imagining of Friday 13th hits screens nationwide on Friday 13th. The original film recently came out on Blu-ray. They even put out a DVD of Friday 13th Part 3 with the 3-D effect. Everywhere you turn there’s a hockey mask and a machete coming at you.

    Even though you’re warned in a scary movie to never answer the phone, I picked up the receiver and heard the voice of Adrienne King. She was Alice in the 1980 tale of camp counselor carnage. At this point, if you haven’t seen the films, don’t start whining about how I spoiled Friday 13th for you. Get the original film on Blu-ray, watch it in a dark room lit by a 65 inch 1080p HDTV. Then you can comeback and join this interview with King.

    King’s character Alice survived an intense battle with Mrs. Voorhees (Betsy Palmer) only to receive a major surprise while seeking safety in a canoe. Even three decades later, she has strong memories of making the scream-fest.

    The story is always told how special effects artist Tom Savini and others slept in the camp cabins to help save on the budget. King didn’t stick around the set after a night of being chased through the wilderness. However her location accommodations weren’t a Trump hotel for her slumber.

    “It was not a hotel. It was a motel,” King said. “A motel means it has no bathtub. It was a little shower and the lumpiest mattress in the world. I was so cold that I couldn’t stop my teeth from chattering. I would plug up the drain in the shower so I could sit in three inches of hot water. It was so disgusting.”

    While the movie takes place before the summer camp season, the filming wasn’t close to that season.

    “We started at the end of Labor Day weekend,” King said. “We shot until the middle of October. We did the scene three times where Jason pulls Alice into the lake. They didn’t quite get what they needed. They saved up enough money to get a slo-mo camera (for the third try). The last day it was 28 degrees outside. We had no wetsuits cause we couldn’t afford them. You can see my goosebumps on the Blu-ray. That’s how incredible that Blu-ray is.”

    King has gotten a lot out of rewatching the film in the Blu-ray format. “I saw my turquoise jewelry for the first time. One of them is still on my finger,” she said. She promises that fans of the horror film series will be impressed if they upgrade to the HighDef transfer.

    The ending of Friday 13th was the big “gotcha” moment that jolted crowds. There was Alice having survived the night by floating in a canoe. The cops finally arrive. But before she reaches safety, an undead boy leaps out of the water and into her canoe. The kids in junior high had to tell everyone that jaw dropper to prove their fake ID got them into an R-rated film. After the traumatic ending of the film, I asked if she had issues with canoes. Ned Beatty was not a fan of paddling down the river after Deliverance.

    “No,” King replied. “I don’t have a canoe phobia. I live on a river.” Although she has to be careful while on the water. “There’s always somebody in the family that wants to play with me.”

    Was Jason attacking Alice in the canoe was inspired by Jimmy Carter and the Killer Rabbit?

    “I’ve never heard that question before,” King said. “I have no clue. First question I didn’t have the answer to.”

    The biggest name to come out of the movie was Kevin Bacon. Did she understand the monumental nature of being in the same film as Bacon’s first memorable butt role?

    “I was not in the scene obviously, but I was around when it happening,” King said. Unfortunately nobody understood the impact Bacon’s rump would have in cinema history. “We knew that he was the only star among us. He had been in something that actually made it to the screen. But he was just one of us.”

    He wasn’t quite like King. Bacon was part of the body count after flashing his ass. Willie Adams ended up as production assistant after his Barry was added to the terrible tally. One of his jobs was driving King to the motel.

    During post-production, King used a little family help to sell this movie to Paramount.

    “I asked Sean (S. Cunningham, the director) if I could sneak my mom into a screening. They were showing it to potential buyers. It was a good rough cut. During the strip Monopoly scene she almost had a heart attack. She’s a Catholic girl. Then we’re at the end of that and she’s like ‘thank God it’s over.’ I’m sitting there smiling to myself and holding her hand. I knew what was coming. She literally jumped 25 feet in the air. I turned around and saw Sean in the back shaking somebody’s hand.” She suspects it was Frank Mancuso of Paramount. “I certainly think we helped seal the deal.”

    Almost overnight King became a major scream queen. She was on par with Jamie Lee Curtis from her pursuit in Halloween. The low budget film sold an astronomical amount of tickets. The studio wanted to crank out a sequel fast. Rumors swirled that King was playing hard ball for a massive payday. However in the midst of this blockbuster success, she experienced the darker side of fame. She had a stalker who wanted to finish Jason’s job.

    “The only reluctance that had to do with it was the fact that I couldn’t focus,” King said. “I don’t like to do anything unless it’s done right. I knew I was their only thread. I did not have a script. I had no clue what they were going to do. My agent, this was a new agent I didn’t know very well, said they were going to leave it open ended.”

    Her return in Friday 13th Part 2 was a grizzly scene on both sides of the camera.

    “I showed up on the last day of shooting. Everybody wanted to get home. We started at night and worked till dawn. It was a night from hell. There was no love on the set. I was walking into this hornets nest. Unbeknownst to me, Steve Miner (the director) thought I was holding out for more bucks. That was farthest from the truth.”

    No matter how much the original movie made, King wasn’t getting chased in Gucci heels in the sequel.

    “This was done before SAG participation kicked in,” King said. “For Part One and Part Two, we got just our weekly rate and that was it. We got very little from this movie. But it nothing to do with money. For me it had to do with the fact that I had to basically survive – mentally as well as physically. It’s not like there were big stalking (stories) in the news before that. It was like, ‘What the hell is going on?’ And then you have your agents telling you to ‘pull it together or they’ll think you’re a nut.’ And you’re going, ‘But you don’t understand.’ And they didn’t. But you take a deep breath, do what you have to do and hopefully it will all work out. It might take twenty five years, but eventually it worked itself out.”

    King’s appearance in Friday 13th Part 2 is limited to the opening scene.. An unidentified character appears to kill her in a dilapidated house. While some believe that Jason has finally claimed his revenge for his mom, this killing makes no sense. In Part 2, Jason terrorizes a new batch of counselors at Crystal Lake. He hasn’t gone off the campground. King also has issues with her appearance in the film.

    “In Part 2, we never see Jason and Alice together. You see an ice pick into the temple. You don’t see blood. You never see a body. There is some sort of thing that has clothing that looks like Alice’s clothing from the first movie. But Alice is in a robe when she supposedly met her demise.” King emphasized, “Meaning she might not be dead.”

    King hopes that she will get her own resurrection of the character so she can finally have a true showdown with Jason. “Get Mrs. Voorhees back – head or no head,” she demanded.

    At one point, King thought she’d be part of the new Friday 13th. The producers had contacted her agent about having her and Betsy Palmer pop up in the film.

    “I was getting ready. I’m pumping iron to have Linda Hamilton arms. I’m going to look good if I’m coming back. Then they decided no. But it got me moving. I had not found a script I wanted to do until I found Walking Distance.” She went down to Texas to make this sci-fi horror film. It was her first role before the cameras in nearly 25 years. “It reminded me of being on the set of Friday 13th. They filmed at night and did their day jobs.”

    Did she ever find out why they decided against cameos in the new film?

    “I’ve never spoken to (Marcus Nispel). I wish I knew why. I think it would have been fun for the fans besides us. Granted it would be nice to do a Friday 13th with a residual payment,” King said.

    While other horror actresses had gone on to more films, King stepped away from being in front of the camera after her day of work on Friday 13th Part 2. Nobody could quite understand the stalker and how he had spooked her.

    “I was trying to survive a real live stalker. A real live Jason times 100. A wack job. I would have people going, ‘Are you serious. You can’t separate reality from fantasy.’ It was a very hard time for me psychological and physically. I ran off and studied Shakespeare at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. They were kind enough to take me in. I played Desdemona opposite Ted Lange. Ted’s a good guy.”

    That’s right. She starred in a version of Othello with Isaac from The Love Boat.

    Even when she quit acting in front of the camera, she become a scream queen as an ADR voice artist. Instead of putzing around on a bunch of straight to video horror flicks, King let her vocal cords dominate the biggest film of all time: Titanic. Many of the women screaming as the luxury liner snaps and sinks belong to King. She also had a softer role as Gloria Stuart’s last breath before her fateful plunge.

    “If there’s screams in the movie, I’m probably one of them. Back when I did ADR, if they needed a screamer, they’d go, ‘Call Adrienne.’” She had a major voice roles in Johnny Depp’s What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Almost Famous.

    King and her husband moved far away from Hollywood a few years back. She now contemplates raising goats and lamas like her neighbors. However with interest from the new Friday 13th, she’s getting back in the filmmaking game. “Now I have a sci-fi horror movie coming out called Walking Distance. It’s a role well worthy of Alice,” King said. She is also currently busy with the opportunity to be a director for an all female anthology of horror films. “I’m reading scripts right now.. I’m so jazzed. I never thought that would be in my future.”

    She is very futuristic with her own website. Her www.adrienneking.com website features her paintings. She also has posted a collection of Polaroids and notes from the original Friday 13th. If she sells enough paintings, she’ll buy her own goat herd. Unlike some original actors, she’s looking forward to seeing the new Friday 13th.

    “If you could have told this New York City girl that she’d be living in the boonies with goats and lamas, planting a garden, resurrected by the fans and playing in her favorite playground….. My life has been an amazing rollercoaster,” King said. “I wouldn’t trade it in for anything even though it had its really dark moments. It got me to where I am now and I’m happy here.”

    STAYING ALIVE

    Among the film credits on Adrienne King’s resume is the greatest film ever made.

    “In Saturday Night Fever I was a dancer,” King said. “You can’t find me. I’ve got three different hairdos and three different dresses in the same scene.”

    The shoot was fatiguing with all the choreography and a less than ideal breathing situation inside the disco.

    “It was all before SAG said no smoke machines,” she said. “We were all dying of nicotine. Every day on the way back to Manhattan on the subway, the dancers would peel off the layers of grossness.”

    They were like coal miners working the disco shaft.

    I brought up my theory that Saturday Night Fever was an anti-disco movie since the end of the film has John Travolta turning his back on the 4/4 beat to become a real dancer. Was there a buzz on the set about the film’s message being disco music is evil?

    “God no. I still didn’t know that until now,” King said. “I think we were all really into the dance.”

    A SYMBOL OF WHAT?

    Anyone else crack up when Jane Seymour promotes her “Open Hearts” necklace? How can you not laugh when she announces, “My wish is to make my open heart design a universal symbol of hope and love.” Take a quick look at the design:

    Is that really what two open hearts would look like? Couldn’t Sunny Lane and Jenna Jameson use that shape to promote a “Boobs and Butt” necklace? Wouldn’t you imagine such naughty jewelry being stocked at Adam & Eve? Or as the reward for a woman posing as the centerfold in Racks and Backs Illustrated? This design rates up there with the naked woman on a truck’s mudflaps. Is Jane getting away with a dirty drawing? She does strike me as the naughty English lass. Is it wrong that when thinking of a universal symbol of T&A, I imagine Jane Seymour emerging from a hottub?

    Remember this Valentine’s Day to give Jane’s “Rack and Back” necklace to your favorite Hooter’s waitress. She’ll think you’re a sweet customer instead of a pervert.

    GIVEAWAY THE STILL

    The fine folks at CBS DVD have supplied me with 5 copies of Beverly Hillbillies: The Official Third Season to give away. This is one of the greatest shows in sit-com history. Season three gives us cinema superstar Dash Riprock. In order to win one of the copies, you have to tell me what’s my favorite other Mammoth Picture star. Email me the answer along with your name and address to mokaha@aol.com. My family, my crack research staff, Jethro and Larry Pennell are not eligible to answer. Contest closes on Feb. 16.
    [ad#contestbox]
    DANCE AWAY THE HEARTBREAK

    ABC has announced it’s new cast of Dancing With the Stars. What a completely mixed bag. Belinda Carlisle of the Go-Gos should be fun. How many judges will ask if she “got the beat?” David Alan Grier better bring the smooth chocolate to the dance floor. He’s my pick to win. In a strange “couple’s feud” there’s singer Jewel and bullriding legend Ty Murray. Can Ty hang onto his dance partner for 8 seconds? Shawn Johnson will need booster heels for her little gymnast body to reach her partner’s waist. Gilles Marini is French and pops up on tons of shows. He’ll make the top 3 based on the French angle. Steve-O might staple his balls to his partner’s thigh to stay in rhythm. Denise Richards will be propping up her amazing acting career with this turn. Expect to hear Charlie Sheen complain when Denise keeps working their kids in to the routines. Nancy O’Dell of Access Hollywood will do the report from the scene of her crimes angle. Chuck Wicks will be thankful for other dead weight below him. Plus he’s hooked up with Julianna Houghs so he’ll get to grind on her without looking like a cheating husband. Former Apple biggie Steve Wozniak has caught a case of Celebuwhoreitis from boffing Kathy Griffin. We should have like a major music festival to raise money to cure him like an Us Festival. He’ll be lasting longer than Mark Cuban. In the Dancing With the Stars: Lockdown Edition comes Lawrence Taylor and Lil’ Kim. Taylor is the first NFL Hall of Famer to get busted for buying macadamia nuts instead of crack. Lil ‘ Kim will wear the trashiest of dresses – which is hard to tell with ballroom fashion. Are they doing this show as community service?

    What happened to Donny Osmond being a cast member?

    BLU-RAY HEAVEN

    Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa – Blu-ray won me over when the penguins beat up the annoying fishing boy in the Dreamworks’ moon. I hate that kid. The movie features the lion (Ben Stiller) returning to his African roots when his flight back to the Central Park Zoo has mechanical difficulties. You’d think penguins would be better pilots. He reunites with his family. The only problem is that dancing lions don’t get much respect in the jungle. Oddly enough, Ben Stiller’s dad is voiced by the late- Bernie Mac. Was Jerry Stiller booked up? The best part of the film is an old lady stranded in the jungle who turns into a John Locke super-survivor. She turns her tour group into a well behaved Lord of the Flies outfit. This was more entertaining than the original just for Alec Baldwin’s role as a rival lion who goes after Bernie Mac’s power. The Blu-ray captures all the CGI detail. There’s even two bonus cartoons featuring the Penguins. These have the penguins back at the zoo dealing with the chimps and the lemurs. It’s kind of Tennessee Tuxedo without the 3-D blackboard. These new shorts are HD on the disc. Exclusive to the Blu-ray is the storyboard and interviews with the animators. The series appears to be coming soon from Nickelodeon. “Jambo Jambo: Swahili Speak” is a quickie lesson in the language. There is a game that lets you play the penguins trying to land the airplane. Shame there’s not a game that lets you have a penguin pummel the Dreamworks boy.

    DVD Shelf

    Friday 13th The Series: The 2nd Season has nothing to do with Jason hacking apart people. This was the syndicated series out of Canada that dealt with an evil antique store. Two cousins (Robey & John D. LeMay) inherit their uncle’s shop. They have to run around finding all the evil items he sold over the years. This second season has them discover their uncle isn’t quite dead. “Doorway to Hell” kicks off the season with a soul possessing battle out of the inferno. “The Secret Agenda of Mesmer’s Bauble” has former Prince protege Vanity playing a rock star. You might also remember her from The Last Dragon. Sho’nuff! Robey is so hot with her ’80s hair. Will she show up and attempt to retrieve my demonic Timex-Sinclair computer?

    Tales From the Darkside: The First Season was a 30 minute long horror anthology that featured stories from George Romero (Night of the Living Dead) and Stephen King (Cujo). “Trick or Treat” goes straight for the haunted house goodness. Bob Balaban (Seinfeld) directed it. “The New Man” has a stranger declare he’s the son of Vic Tayback (Alice). Vic is clueless, but his friends and family swear they’ve always known the son. Guess he ate too much of his chili at Mel’s and fried his brain. My favorite of this first season is “Djinn, No Chaser” when a couple buy a magic lamp and get a big surprise. Kareem Abdul-Jabber plays the genie. And he’s not happy to give out wishes. Years later, Shaq would retread Kareem’s performance in the Oscar dominating Kazaam. The legendary Harlan Ellison (Star Trek‘s “City on the Edge of Forever”) wrote the story and script. This is Kareem’s best work between Airplane and Slam Dunk Ernest.

    Christopher Titus: Love is Evol is the best stand up routine of the last three years. He opens up a vein as he breaks down his recent divorce. He gives a blow by blow description of how he found out his wife was cheating on him with several other guys. The first half of this show really makes you laugh at the toxicity of Titus’ failing marriage. No matter how ugly it gets, he makes sure to find the grotesque humor. However this is not anti-relationships pity party. Turns out that for now, he’s happy with his extremely young girlfriend. He has a field day with tales of his future father-in-law. Fans of Titus will be gasping for breath at these tales of betrayal and love. Titus delivers a theatrical performance piece that goes to core of a divorced guy who upgrades.

    The Beverly Hillbillies: The Official Third Season brings more country humor to the big city slickers. This was the time when Jed bought Mammoth Pictures and became a movie mogul. The family decides to move onto the Western backlot thinking its a working town. Elly hooks up with Dash Riprock. He’s such a cinematic stud, how will she go back to her monkey when exposed to such a man? “Double Naught Jethro” brings the James Bond mania to the Clampetts. Jethro decides being a spy is better than brain surgery. He loads up on the undercover gadgets. Who didn’t want their own lead lined hat? “Big Daddy, Jed” brings the beatniks into the picture.. They’re crazy and far out hipsters. Jack Kerouac cried when he saw this.. There’s 34 episodes in this boxset. They also have the original sponsor promos attached to the shows including ones for Winston Cigarettes.

    Melrose Place Fifth Season, Volume 1 continues the tale of the craziest apartment complex in SoCal. Josie Bissett and Laura Leighton think they are murderers for taking out Patrick Muldoon and tossing him a shallow grave. You can’t keep a good creep down in a primetime soap opera. The big changes happen when Lisa Rinna and Rob Estes move into the complex. It’s strange to look at Lisa before she became a plastic surgery disaster area. “Jane’s Addiction” has the double guest star whammy of Greg Evigan (BJ and the Bear) and Michael Des Barres (guy who replaced Robert Palmer when Power Station toured). “Escape from LA” has Josie Bissett departing the series. It’s so sad to see her part because outside of Traci Lords, she was the sweetest nutcase on this show. She was married to Estes in real life so why did she split? Guess she didn’t see too much left for her character to do besides become a cannibal. The series lasted seven seasons. Hopefully they’ll get all the DVDs out before CW revives it. Rumor has the second half of the fifth season coming out in July.

    Untamed and Uncut is my kind of nature special. The folks at Animal Planet put together these four episodes that show how dangerous animals will attack humans. They especially like the taste of stupid humans. A guy gets bit by a King Cobra. A bear trapped on a telephone pole gets a big jolt on his way down. A really dumb guy decides to stick his hand in the mouth of a landed shark. There’s a great white shark attack on surfers. A dog falls down a ski slope. A nature show hostess gets attacked by a cheetah. Extensive interviews surround the shocking footage and not merely washed up stars tossing out wisecracks like a VH1 special.

    Closing the Ring is an epic romance that soars from World War II to IRA activity in Belfast in the mid-90s. This Richard Attenborough film is a throwback without relying on a relic plot. Three young flyboys find themselves involved with Mischa Barton (The O.C.). We time skip to 50 years later when Barton grows up to be Shirley MacLaine. She’s putting her husband in the grave. Christopher Plummer is the last of the flyboys and the keeper of the secret of the three. Outside Belfast, Pete Postlethwaite (The Usual Suspects) and a kid (Martin McCann) pick through the wreckage of an old bomber. The kids finds Mischa’s wedding ring which forces Neve Campbell (Shirley’s daughter) to learn the family truth. For the guys, there’s plane wrecks and bombs exploding.

    Chocolate is the sweetest buttkicking film of the season. An autistic girl (Yanin Wismitanant) learns how to kickbox from watching TV. When her mom can’t afford a medical treatment, the daughter is called into service to collect old debts. She either return home with cash or broken bones. The last hour is pure teen destruction. She fights in a butcher shop and hanging off street signs. She’s a fearless killing machine. Things get plenty weird when she has to shown down with her real dad, a major mobster. The mayhem is first class. This Thai action film is directed by Prachya Pinkaew of Ong-Bak fame. A thrilling selection for anyone’s Kung Fu Theater night.

    Sabrina The Teenage Witch: The Fifth Season unleashes more of Nick Bakay’s vocal wizardry from Salem the cat’s mouth. This was the season that Sabrina (Melissa Joan Hart) went off to college in Boston. She gets a trio of roommates including Soleil Moon Frye. That’s right, it’s Clarrisa Explains It All meets Punky Brewster in a girl’s dorm room. Will there be pillow fighting? Sabrina resorts to magic to overcome the normal freshmen difficulties. The only magic we had in college was Jolt Soda and “Truckers Twilight.” We get to meet her evil twin in “You Can’t Twin.” There’s only two more seasons left.

    Girlfriends: Season 6 takes us back to a time when Tyler Perry wasn’t making every TV series with a black cast. Girlfriends was produced by Kelsey Grammer (Fraser). There’s a lot of consternation on the series. Maya and Darnell retie the knot in Las Vegas. However they quickly learn that there was a reason they divorced in the first place. Todd and Toni kick around getting divorced. One couple argue over getting a nanny. Although you know in a series like this, an extra female character is another “cheating” moment to begin a bicker war. There’s also a custody battle that goes into overdrive. This series must have been funded by the divorce lawyers of America.

  • Party Favors: Little Gold Men

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    HOLLYWOOD – There’s so little time now between Oscar nomination morning and the ceremony. A month to exploit the industry award? Having the ceremony before the east coast spring thaw is stupid. We all should bask in warmth as the Golden Man is passed around at the Kodak. This early ceremony takes the tension out of March. Plus it robs Variety a month of “For Your Consideration” ads.

    I was quite shocked to read in Variety that the Oscar nomination process isn’t even close to “fair” for people who send in their ballots. I have in the past voted for the Oscar thanks to Academy members who were more into their free videos than choosing a winner. None of the members knew how their nomination ballots were really counted. For those who don’t know, members are only allowed to nominate five names for categories within their craft and Best Picture. This means editors don’t get to nominate Best Actor. Now when the final ballot is sent out, you get to vote for everything except maybe Best Foreign and short films. You have to prove you saw the selections.

    For years, whenever we talk about the nomination process, most people thought that somehow a great performance was snubbed because it lacked votes. But there’s a chance that a film did have enough votes, but not the right kind of votes. What they’ve done since 1936 is only count the first choices instead of all five names a voter lists on his nomination ballots for each category. The accountants take the number of voters in a branch and divide it by six. Once a film reaches that number on the first choices, it receives a nomination. The first choice ballots for the film after it hits the magic number now go to the film listed as second choice. This goes on until they have five winners. This is a ballot counting process that only Norm Coleman can love.

    If a film or performance doesn’t get listed as a first choice on any ballots- it will not be one of the five nominees. Your favorite film could be on everybody’s ballot, but if everyone just listed it as #2, it gets shut out. Maybe that’s what happened to Dark Knight and The Wrestler?

    This isn’t about five choices with the most total votes getting listed as the nominees. The first five names to reach the lucky number get the nomination. It’s a land rush and not an election. A film’s fate rests completely in how Price Waterhouse shuffles and deals the ballots. I feel cheated.

    This process also explains why nobody has a clue at how close a film came to being nominated. There’s no hard numbers to leak out.

    The Academy Awards nomination voting is as messed up as the Emmys, Grammys and Golden Globes. All these years it seemed like they were selected like sports writer’s vote on the Top 25 college football teams. The top choice got 5 points and the fifth choice got a point. The accountants do a little math and out pops the Top Five films for a shot at the Oscar. But no! Should we have really expected different from an industry that can make Forrest Gump look like a money losing film?

    To watch all the Oscar predictors talk about the nominees and snubs this morning without mentioning this tally nonsense makes them look like complete schmucks.

    Let’s have a quick rundown on how the deck dealt out.

    I’m not a big fan of technical awards since they require technology. The big battle will be in Best Cinematography. You have The Dark Knight going against Slumdog Millionaire. It’s two ends of the camera spectrum. The action scenes in Dark Knight were shot using Imax cameras. Slumdog went Hi-Def along with 35mm. Will the voters be swayed by the big image or the digital revolution? Seeing how Academy members will be blown away by The Dark Knight Blu-ray when it shifts to 16:9 for the Imax moments, this might be the Dark Knight’s big shining moment.

    When it comes to Best Supporting actor, the breakdown is simple. Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road will be the guy happy to be at the party. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt won it all too recently to gather the downgrade vote. Isn’t he the star of this film? He got Bill Macy’d. Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder will get a nice victory lap, but voters won’t go the full retard for his blacked up routine. Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight is the sentimental choice. He’s the tragic image of an actor that took a fatal wrong step. I wouldn’t be shocked if he won, but odds are against him from the ugliness brewing on “who can accept his award.” Be nice if his daughter could. But the Academy doesn’t want to see a rugby scrum on the stage. The guy who is in the catbird seat is Josh Brolin, Milk. He’s finally on a high profile hot streak with W., No Country for Old Men and American Gangster.

    Best Supporting Actress is a major toss up. Amy Adams and Viola Davis will cancel each other out with their Doubt duet. Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona should have locked down this action since Woody Allen films used to own this category. But Woody doesn’t quite have that mojo anymore. Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button could get an Obama bounce. She had the hard work of making Brad Pitt look good as an old man. The spoiler of the night will be Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler. It’s been 16 years since she won for My Cousin Vinny. There was a nasty rumor that she didn’t really win her Oscar. Supposedly Jack Palance accidentally read Tomei’s name off the teleprompter instead of Vanessa Redgrave’s name on the card. This is the Academy’s chance to prove that Marisa deserves to be known as an Oscar winner without a smug look from Rex Reed. Also doesn’t hurt that she’s topless in a scene. Older voters will appreciate this Blu-ray pausing moment.

    Best Actress should be a lock. Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married might have won if Bernie Madoff hadn’t stolen all those millions from Kevin Bacon, Steven Spielberg and Eric Roth. The voters will remember that she was screwing a Euro conman who took millions from people. They’ll also remember she starred in Get Smart. They want to make this sweetheart a winner like Cate and Gwenie, but it’s guilt by association. Angelina Jolie, Changeling is a nomination to boost the red carpet show ratings. They also suspect she’ll adopt Dakota Fanning at the Governor’s Dinner. Melissa Leo, Frozen River should focus on using this time to land movie parts without auditioning. Go on every talkshow and make sure my mom can identify you. Kate Winslet, The Reader could have been the lock of the night – if she had been nominated for Revolutionary Road. This film shows what happens when Harvey Weinstein gets back in the awards game. This was supposed to be a supporting role. She’s going to get another Susan Lucci moment. Call it Abba fever, but Meryl Streep, Doubt is my pick. They love the woman. It’s been 25 years since she won her second Oscar. She’s had 10 nominations since then. The penguin role will make her finally go home a winner once more.

    Best Actor will be a lumberjack match. Richard Jenkins, The Visitor was a tribute to his work in Stepbrothers. Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon and Sean Penn, Milk will loose their voters as they crash from election burnout. Plus voters won’t remember which character wanted to sodomize Americans more. Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is the first animated actor to receive a nomination. Half the film is a CGI mask of his face put on other actors. The more the magic of Button gets exposed, the greater chance he has to be written off as a tool. Like Angelina, he’s here to pep up the red carpet show. The winner should be Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler if he doesn’t disqualify himself with too many freakish interviews. A coma might be a great campaign move for him at this moment. I do think the comeback angle is overplayed. Wasn’t his comeback captured in Sin City and Domino?

    Best Director has a quick winner. Clint Eastwood, Changeling isn’t as good as El Camino. But directors want to support people who make period pieces. Stephen Daldry, The Reader has received a best director nomination for all three of his feature films. Yet he can’t get a good seat a Chuck E. Cheese. David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button just doesn’t feel sweeping enough. Old academy members still hate Fight Club. No Gump love for this tale. Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon would have won if he hadn’t already pulled one out for A Beautiful Mind. The night will be won by Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire if old Academy codgers don’t connect him with Trainspotting. Most of the moldering voters will think he’s somehow an Indian guy.

    Best Film is also lined up to be an international moment. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button lacks the passion that dupes voters. The Reader hasn’t created that much of a buzz. It’s just there. Frost/Nixon and Milk have white politicians. They’re so 2004. The winner should be Slumdog Millionaire. If the movie crowd can support a heartwarming film about a TV show, it’s a lock. If unemployed academy members realize how much work they’ve lost thanks to lame reality TV, there might be trouble. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire launched the network’s anti-stars campaign. How many reality shows were launched from this gameshow?

    Ultimately the lack of The Dark Knight and Wall-E for Best Picture will cost in the ratings. But it’s not like Academy members didn’t really not put these movies on their nomination ballots.

    HAIR DAY

    Why is Katie Couric transforming into Suze Orman? Does this mean Katie won’t let me buy my robot?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sG0NDGofXO0

    STOP THE HOUSE FROM SHAKING

    I thought I’d be able to finish my article about life on a cruise ship, but I’ve become seasick on flat ground. I feel the waves beneath my feet. Once this crazy motion weirdness passes, I’ll give you the lowdown on hitting the waves for a vacation.

    CRUISING

    Since there’s no way we can give away a luxury cruise, the Party Favors is pleased to give away 5 copies of The Love Boat: Season Two, Volume One. There’s 12 hours of high seas hijinks in this boxset that’s being provided by the fine folks at CBS DVD. In order to win, you only have to guess what was my bar tab was at the end of a cruise to the Bahamas? The cruise was a week long. Send you guess to mokaha@aol.com by Jan. 30. Remember to include your name, address and next of kin in case you are lost at sea. The five closest guesses will receive a brand new copy of The Love Boat: Season Two, Volume One. The worst guess will have to pay my bar tab. Everyone can enter except my family, Isaac, Gopher, Doc, Julie and Captain Stubbing. Remember that you can only enter once. We can spot you stuffing the box.

    BLU-RAY HEAVEN

    Friday 13th Uncut Blu-ray finally brings the original cut of slasher film to America. Now don’t get too excited with dreams of an 8 hour cut. It’s only 11 seconds of gore that’s been returned to four murder scenes. I’m not giving away who dies. Thankfully fans of Jason can now see Tom Savini’s horrifying effect undiluted. That shocking vision is now captured in 1080p. The carnage is in full effect as the body count racks up. There’s also lots of bonus features that discuss what went into making America’s favorite hockeymask wearing undead slasher. There’s a Deluxe Edition DVD for those who haven’t upgraded. The sequels however are only in Deluxe Edition DVDs.

    Friday 13th Part 2 – Deluxe Edition brings back Jason. This time he’s out to slash a new batch of campers at Camp Crystal Lake. Do these kids do zero research on why there are so many job openings? There’s got to be a reason for the high turnover. Friday the 13 Part 3 3-D Deluxe Edition is actually in 3-D. They’ve got glasses in the box so you can feel the slaughter coming at you. Remember to duck when the machete comes out of your TV screen. This time Jason goes after a motorcycle gang that interrupts his pursuit of Dana Kimmel. Jason gains his hockey mask in this installment. Get to understand the original material before you take in the updated remake coming out in February.

    DVD SHELF

    The Love Boat: Season Two, Volume One keeps up the cruising comedy. How can you not laugh when Miss Jane Hathaway (Nancy Kulp of The Beverly Hillbillies) is begging for a kiss from Billy Crystal? The Love Boat is a series that really causes you to not overthink. The season launches with Dick Martin taking over the boat after John Astin (Addams Family) takes Captain Stubbing hostage in “Marooned.” Sonny Bono sneaks aboard to stage an insurance scam. One strange plot has Tony Tennille attempting “Muskrat Love” with Robert Reed (Brady Bunch). Why is she working without the Captain? Billy Barty goes nuts with the short jokes. Vincent Price is the prize star of the Halloween special.

    Cheers: The Final Season (The Eleventh Season) puts an end to the saga of the bar where everyone knew your name. The show didn’t stumble after last call. There are plenty of great moments in these victory lap episodes. The season gets off to a flaming start in “The Little Match Girl.” Guess who burns down the bar? “The Beer Is Always Greener” has Carla get work at a corporate theme bar. She wants to hate the place, but it pays better that Sam. “The King of Beers” has Norm get his dream job at a brewery. How can this go wrong? Just let Rebecca talk to him. “Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey” has Sam hire Harry Anderson to pull a stunt on Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern. The finale “One For the Road” still plays too long as a wrap up episode. Sometimes a show shouldn’t really end. Fans will be disappointed that the post-finale special hosted with Jay Leno has been left off. The cast was so drunk that they probably want us to forget that night.

    Becker: The Second Season reminds us that Ted Danson did have life after Cheers. He’s the cranky doctor who thinks the best medicine is two doses of “Shut Yer Trap!” He spends his days ducking out of the clinic and pestering the woman (Terry Farrell) and the blind guy (Alex Desert) running the newspaper stand. They aren’t too charmed to have them be their semi-friend. “Santa On Ice” has a department store St. Nick drop dead in Becker’s waiting room. “One Angry Man” has the doctor unable to get out of jury duty. Then he gets extra ticked off when nobody will pick him to sit in the box. Who wants their life in Dr. Becker’s hands?

    Dave’s World: The Second Season is a sophomore helping of Harry Anderson (Night Court) playing Dave Barry. I hate Dave Berry, but I like Harry Anderson. This show plays against my grain. The episodes show us where Dave’s funny columns come from. “A Cut Above the Rest” has Dave considering a vasectomy. Why doesn’t he just use duct tape to prevent leakage? The highlight of the show is checking out the hair of Shadoe Stevens and Meshach Taylor. Did I mention how much I hate Dave Berry? The guy wrote one short “humor” column a week and somehow had to quit his job to devote more time to his family? Was it really that hard of a job? Did it take him that far away from his family like he was an f’n Ice Road Trucker? Want to know why newspapers are dying – cause they hired lame wimps like Dave Barry. I still like Harry Anderson.

    The Invaders: The Second Season wraps up this sci-fi series from the ’60s. David Vincent (Roy Thinnes) has discovered that aliens from another planet are infiltrating the human race in a secret takeover. Everyone thinks he’s a nutcase. This second season has a few people realizing that Vincent is onto something. They call him in to investigator the abnormal. “The Spores” has Gene Hackman being an alien ready to plant evil seeds. “Dark Outpost” has Dawn Wells off Gilligan’s Island. “Summit Meeting” brings back Michael Rennie (Day the Earth Stood Still). “The Ransom” unleashes the bizarre eyes of Karen Black. And they even cast black actors with Roscoe Lee Browne (Smiley Face) and Lou Gossett Jr (Iron Eagle) in “The Vise.” Suzanne Pleshette (The Bob Newhart Show) returns as an alien in “The Pursued.” Our favorite actor of all time, Richard Anderson (The Six Million Dollar Man‘s Oscar Goldman) pops up in “The Enemy.” It’s a shame this show only lasted two seasons. The final 27 episodes keep up the intergalactic conspiracy action.

    Meerkat Manor: Season Four – The Next Generation shows a transitionary time in the Kalahari. Flower has died and the tribe is now under the control of Rocket Dog. Times have become tough. There’s plenty of splinter groups looking for the good foraging turf. This show probably predicts what will happen to Apple and Disney once Steve Jobs fades from the picture. Stockard Channing now does the narration.

    The Great Polar Bear Adventure takes the strange step of mixing live nature footage with CGI. This is not your straight nature flick. They have Howie Mandel giving voice to an arctic fox. It’s almost like the evolution of the Polar Bear after making all those Christmas Coke ads.

    60 Minutes Presents Obama: All Access – Barack Obama’s Road to the White House brings together all the footage from our new president’s campaign. Besides giving all his moments on 60 Minutes, they include CBS’s coverage of all the significant moments including his recent inaugural Address. All the big moments are contained on the 2 DVDs in this boxset. It’s perfect gift for the history geek in your life.

    Good Day to Be Black and Sexy scored well at last year’s Sundance Film Festival. The movie combines four short films about sexual dynamics. Chonte Harris steals of the show as a mistress who has had it with being the other woman. It’s got a fun and frothy attitude.

    Diary of a Tired Black Man is one of those rare films that doesn’t star Tyler Perry. Jimmy Jean-Louis (Heroes) is dealing with the pure confusion of relationships. Things get ugly when his ex-wife catches him dating a white woman. The film has a documentary style so it feels as real as The Hills. Filmmaker Tim Alexander keeps it interesting instead of a lame Maury Povich segment.

    Elmo Loves You! is the perfect gift for a little child for Valentine’s Day. What more do they need than a little furry red guy from Sesame Street to explain matters of the heart. What Elmo can’t tackle, Super Grover handles. A pal’s kid goes nuts for the Super Grover. He’s a Muppet superstar. For the grown ups who will have to watch this DVD repeatedly with the young ones, we get visits from John Legend, Trisha Yearwood and R.E.M. Is it safe to let Peter Buck near your children?

    Humboldt County brings Fairuza Balk back into our lives. Where has she gone since vanishing from The Sopranos? Well in this film, she’s a nightclub singer. Her innocent wickedness seduces a med school student. She makes a little money on the side being a fake patient at the school. She takes him back home to meet her farming family. Problem is their cash crop is marijuana. Frances Conroy (The mother from Six Feet Under) gets to unwind in the countryside. It’s not the usual weed comedy. Make sure you watch this film with munchies nearby.

    Mercury Man is from the action team that put the moves in Ong-Bak– It’s a Thai flavored superhero flick. They attempt a semi-Spider-Man influence as a fire fighter discovers he’s got secret powers. However Peter Parker never had a “sidekick” that’s a post-op tranny. Mercury Man has a cool suit to contain his flame powers. It’s quite fun to see how people in other countries attempt to harness superhero flicks. The fight scenes don’t quite top Ong-Bak.

    National Lampoon’s Stoned Age: Unrated is a complete surprise. Adam Rifkin (The Dark Backward) stars, directs and writes a film that crosses a New York memoir with prehistoric action. It’s like Neil Simon’s post Ice Age period. Rifkin’s smart caveman invents stuff in an attempt to outdo his athletic brother. Despite the title, it’s not a complete stoner comedy. His love interest is Ali Larter. She looks stunning wrapped in animal skins. The film has the superstar VH1 duo of Gary Busey and Ron Jeremy. There’s plenty of bonus features including many of the cave girls posing for Penthouse. Bunny Ranch superstar Sunny Lane gets featured time on the screen. Even though she’s covered in fur, there’s no beaver. That’s a bonus worth featuring.

    Russell Peters: Red, White and Brown has the comic performing at the WaMu Theater at Madison Square Garden. Hopefully he didn’t invest his sold out box office money on WaMu stock. Peters brings the Asian blend to the stage. He’s Indian and has no problem poking fun of his culture with a routine about cheap Indians. It’s always welcoming to hear a comic that isn’t going to riff for an hour on airplane food. He’s got tales of being in Dubai. He also has a great time poking fun at the various folks in the crowd. No race and culture is spared his wit. There’s extra jokes from when this special aired on Showtime. The boxset includes a CD so you can listen to it while commuting to work.

  • Party Favors: Smile A Smile

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    GRAND BAHAMA ISLAND – Why do critic groups ignore the finest moment in cinema this year? Can anyone rate up with Anna Faris’ performance in Smiley Face? Could Meryl Streep or Kate Winslet have pulled off playing an entire movie as if they ate a dozen cupcakes loaded with pot? Nope. But Anna is amazing in the most messed up role of the year that doesn’t involve being naked near Mickey Rourke.

    Faris’ imaginary conversations with the late Roscoe Lee Browne (Soap) should be taught in acting schools. She has a magical blankness in the stare when keeps zoning out. Her ability to run like a cast member of Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp must be praised. It’s hard to believe that Faris didn’t rehearse the entire film after smoking a Tommy Chong-sized joint to memorize her actions for when the cameras rolled. It’s hard to maintain a buzz while waiting for the gaffer to tweak the lamps. Although I’ll guess that at the wrap party, every gaffer wanted to get high with her.

    Some may argue that this is a 2007 release based on an extremely light theatrical release. Where did this film play? A peep show booth in Butte, Montana? If Roger Ebert can list films that came out in 2007 as a best of 2008, so can I. Does this film play well on the big screen> It’s the perfect size for my TV when it routinely pops up on pay channels at 2 a.m.

    Smiley Face is a stoner film with a proper warning message to the kids. There is a danger to eating pot laced baked goods. They create a vicious circle since you get high, you have the munches so you eat more pot laced cupcakes and get even more high. And that leads to eating more cupcakes. It’s not a pretty picture when you become “motion sensitive.” Also getting really high and attempting to bake more pot cupcakes isn’t a good idea. These are drug education messages that kids really need to know. Don’t bake and bake.

    The movie is loaded with plenty of famous cameos like The Love Boat smashing into Reefer Madness. Marion Ross looks ready to star in Happy Days: The Next Generation. Fans of The Office will finally know what Jim looks like while spanking off in the shower. He goes full release face on camera. Likewise The ’70s Show viewers will be scarred while watching Hyde humping a skull. The most stomach retching moment is merely a close up of Carrot Top.

    I was going to link to the trailer, but it’s horrible. Just program your Tivo to snag it next time Smiley Face airs on your cable box.

    Instead of an Oscar, Anna Faris deserves a postage stamp in Jamaica for Smiley Face. She’s the Queen of Comedy this year.

    I’M BROKE LIKE ERIC ROTH

    Bernie Madoff stole 2.3 billion dollars from the Party Favors Global Lengthwise Fold Charity Fund. I should have invested the money in Jar-Jar Binks Beanie Babies. I feel bad for all the school children who sent me their pennies in order to make the world a better place for strippers. But do we really expect someone like Madoff to care about the kids or the strippers?

    This is what I deserve from believing the hype that Steven Spielberg is the smartest man in Showbiz. He put his holocaust charity bucks into the secure hands of Bernie. Why would Spielberg get fooled? Of course he’ll get his fat dough back when his musical production of the Flintstones hits Broadway. Or will that money be sent to Steven Spielrock’s Swiss bank account?

    For all the talk about how lame and tired Hollywood is when it comes to recycling films; is there more creatively desolate landscape than the Great Blight Way? Why do they keep turning bad films into lame Broadway shows? Xanadu and Christine weren’t emotional rollercoasters begging for the stage. Did anyone really want Young Frankenstein to exist without Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle?

    When a creatively bankrupt producer decides to remake a crappy film with bigger stars, they’re only forcing actors to do it once to capture it on celluloid (or HD). But a Broadway producer gets sadistic as they make actors repeat their performances each night to earn their bucks. Will Smith didn’t have to endure Wild Wild West the entire summer. Although that could be a good “community service punishment” for the crime known as Hancock.

    Should the legit theater Marquees hype movie titles that belong at the buck cinema? Maybe next season we’ll get musical versions of Billy Madison, Jurassic Park 3 and Transformers.

    CRYPT KEEPER’S BALL

    “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest” needs to have a Highlander moment. There can only be one name in that title. For once, I’m not rooting for Ryan to have his head chopped off by the World’s Oldest Teenager.

    Ever since Dick survived his stroke a few years back, he’s insisted at being a part of the show> He sits in the warm confines of an indoor studio with a view of the Times Square action. It’s a sweet reminder that Dick has been a constant host for over 35 years on that special night. But his post-stroke appearances make him less animated than the Cryptkeeper.

    I wouldn’t mind a kiss and wave moment from Dick right before the ball drops. Or a pre-recorded introduction for the hot new band. But Dick insists on giving himself prime chunks of live air time to chit chat with Ryan. It’s really hard to listen since he’s still in severe speech therapy mode. He’s not broadcast quality. If he was on Entertainment Tonight, they’d subtitle the interview. Dick Clark the producer would never allow a TV personality with the same issues as Dick Clark that much time on the air.

    Perhaps it is the desire to host another New Year’s Eve show is what keeps the 79 year-old Dick Clark alive. But he kills the fun when he arrives on the TV screen. People at home are in a partying mood. They tune into the broadcast to know exactly when the ball drops instead of counting on a drunk hostess’ cuckoo clock that’s five minutes fast. They have champagne flowing and lips ready for kissing. And then there’s Dick Clark speaking like Frankenstein’s Monster. “Fire bad when Jonas Brothers follow Doobie Brothers.”

    Dick needs to realize that he’s old enough to let go of this part of his life. I also give this advice to Carson Daly. He was outshined by a smashed beer cup. Kathy Griffin’s naughty moment on CNN about slapping something out a heckler’s mouth was such a letdown since it’s such an old rip. She needs to get with the 21st Century. She could have at least claimed the guy worked as a taste tester at Analeze.

    SHOW IT

    When is Bravo going to have The Real Househusbands of the Internet? Or are guys smart enough to avoid having their child raising skills hidden from the public?

    My scummy source in the adult industry has told me that the hottest “get” celebrities are the older daughters from a certain reality TV family. “Duggar Girls: 69 and Counting” could easily outpace sales of Nailin’ Palin. John and Katie: Goin’ For Nine is their dream back up title.

    VINCE SELLS IT

    America has its second great TV pitchman. Vince selling the Shamwow and Slap Chop is moving into Billy Mays hallowed turf. Vince rocks the headset mic and has no problem going off the script during the demo. He shows us that his products make you want to party. What gets me is that he’s not merely talking to me, but giving business to the camera guy.

    Plus he knows we all love his nuts.

    What the hell is Vince’s last name? Perhaps that’s what makes him such a mysterious guy even after all those amazing things he tells us about the product. He seems to be like Tom Cruise’s Vince in The Color of Money. He’s the rock and roll hustler as seen on TV. Rumor has it that he’s Vince Offer, who directed The Underground Comedy Movie. Remember that movie being advertised on TV?

    It’s good to have two Americans selling to us instead of importing another snotty Englishman. I don’t see Vince as competition for Billy Mays, but a tag-team pal during the marathon commercial breaks. Odds are that Billy still has a shot at a political career as a Vice President. Somebody ought to do a spoof of The Color Of Money with Billy Mays as Fast Eddie and Vince as Vince. Or maybe Ron Popeil training Vince to take on Billy Mays at a swap meet showdown? You can still call it “The Color of Money.” Or “How Long Was My Pocketfisherman?”

    BURN IT OFF

    Is Jillian Reynolds (formerly Barberie) dark enough to get her own Univision sitcom? Did I miss the memo that she’s up for the lead for Broadway’s adaptation of Spanglish? She needs to get on Celebrity Rehab in order break her tanning habit. George Hamilton has volunteered to conduct the Intervention episode. For her own good, she needs to lighten up.

    BOTH SIDE OF THE ROAD

    North Carolina Beats Duke is the perfect gift for UNC basketball fans. The boxset contains three complete games featuring the Tarheels pulling out tight wins over Coach K. and his Blue Devils. A contest from March 1984 has Michael Jordan taking Duke into two overtimes before claiming victory for Dean Smith. The second game is from 1992 when UNC spanked Christian Laettner. The guy choked on the charity stripe with the game on the line. Tarheel’s center Eric Montross iced the game with blood dripping from his face. They don’t let you play with bleeding wounds anymore. The final game is from 1995 when Rasheed Wallace and Jerry Stackhouse shut up the Cameron Crazies in another double overtime game. These are the original broadcasts with all the action and none of the car ads.

    Duke Beats Carolina gives the other side of the Tobacco Road Rivalry. Now if you cheer for Coach K, you’ll get glee seeing UNC’s whine and cheese crowd crying in their cushy leather courtside seats. A game from 2000 has Shane Battier and Carlos Boozer deflating the Dean Dome in overtime. From 2004 comes the first Coach K vs. Roy Williams battle. Guess who pulls this one out in overtime. The final game is a nail biter with J.J. Redick following the coach’s plan. Both sets will get you extremely excited even though you know the outcome.

    BLU-RAY HEAVEN

    Without A Paddle: Nature’s Calling Blu-Ray deserves high definition love just for the shot of a squirrel chugging straight out of the keg. This is not really a sequel to the original film that starred Seth Green and Dax Shepard. This has two relatively unknown actors heading into the wilderness in pursuit of an almost lost love. It’s just complete goofiness that has a greenie message since the love interest wants to save nature. The film also stars NFL Hall of Famer Jerry Rice. The San Francisco legend is now a thespian. Perhaps soon the dancing wide receiver will be making a Tyler Perry film. The highlight of the movie is the squirrel attacking a keg like a sophomore at Party Headquarters. The bonus features include a blooper reel that shows Rice is ready to challenge Howie Long in the acting field. “The Furious Nuts” short gives us the truth behind working with squirrels.

    DVD SHELF

    Matlock: The Second Season brings more deep fried Southern-style law from Andy Griffith. The big change for this sophomore outing is Matlock’s daughter (Linda Purl) splitting for Philadelphia. He hires Cassie Phillips (Kari Lizer) to be his legal back up. Tyler Hudson (Kene Holliday) is back as his real feet on the ground when it comes to finding the evil people who set up Matlock’s clients. There’s numerous recognizable guest stars in this boxset. Billy Mumy is no longer Lost In Space when he lands in “The Genius.” Ralph Bellamy, Robert Culp and Scott Bakula mix it up in “The Power Brokers.” “The Annihilator” stars Dick Butkus as a pro wrestler accused of killing his ring rival. Chick Hearn announces the action. Only seven more seasons left to complete the series.

    This American Life: The Second Season features another 6 installments of the popular NPR radio series brought to video by Showtime. The highlight is “John Smith” which attempts to tell the story of a life using numerous John Smiths of various ages from across America. It’s an engrossing experiment. A single life does come out of these same name participants. “Going Down In History” examines a jail break with the convicts using dental floss to make their escape rope. Ira Glass really needs to make more of these episodes. This American Life The Second Season is exclusively being sold at Borders bookstores.

    Funny Face – Paramount Centennial Collection shares a blissful 103 minutes with Audrey Hepburn. She’s swooped up from her lowly bookstore job to become a super model in Paris. Her photographer is Fred Astaire. The music and dancing propels this movie into the high fashion zenith. Audrey strikes more perfect poses than a season of America’s Next Top Model. The 2 DVD set includes a bonus feature about Vistavision that should be seen by fans of cinematography. Learn the secret of the film that went through the camera sidewise. “Kay Thompson: ‘Think Pink’” reveals the life of this amazing performer. “The Fashion Designer and His Muse” exposes the wardrobe love between fashion designer Herbert de Givenchy and Hepburn.

    Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Paramount Centennial Collection is the ultimate Manhattan partygirl movie. Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) is a force of nature who bursts into her neighbor’s life. Paul Varjak (George Peppard) is a writer who slowly discovers the truth about the girl who recreated herself for the Big Apple scene. Their strange romance plays out with Henry Mancini’s lush score and “Moon River” song. The only bad move in the film is the casting of Mickey Rooney as a Japanese neighbor. It’s a squirm time when he’s on the screen. There’s a great array of bonus features on the two disc set including a history of the film and Tiffany’s. “Mr. Yunioshi: An Asian Perspective” allows people to complain about Mickey Rooney’s role in the film. “Behind the Gates: The Tour” is a quicky trip around Paramount studio.

    My Three Sons, The First Season, Volume Two allows us 18 more episodes that bask in the greatness of William Frawley. What happens when Fred Mertz (I Love Lucy) has to raise three boys while their absentee father spends why too much time at work and working the ladies? You get the best grandfather in TV history in Frawley. As I watch these episodes, I really hate Fred McMurray. Sure he means well with his sons, but there’s a strange distance between them. This boxset contains the final 18 episodes of the first season. “Man in a Trenchcoat” has dad away for the night (big surprise) and the kids get creeped out by a stranger. Dad thinks his son is spy crazy. “Organization Woman” has McMurrary’s sister arrive and mess up William Frawley’s routines. “The Horseless Saddle” has Frawley get a saddle in the mail. Is this a secret message from Ethel? The shows switch in tone from comical to serious family dramas so you never quite know what to expect.

    Walker, Texas Ranger The Complete Sixth Season opens up another can of Chuck Norris whoopass. Why did criminals even think of coming to Texas? Didn’t they know after five seasons that they had no chance of being a success? Chuck isn’t always about knocking heads with his cowboy boots. “Lucas” has him helping a boy stricken with AIDS find his mother. “Brainchild” has a super genius kid forcing Walker to help him find his mother. He was all about finding some mommies this season. Walker busts up illegal medical testing on nursing home patients in “Forgotten People.” “The Last of a Breed” has Norris play a legendary Texas Ranger. He’s diverse that way. John Beck (Rollerball‘s Moonpie) pops up at “Rainbow’s End.” Chuck Norris lands 23 episodes of kung fu crime fighting that Conan O’Brien will love.

    Burn After Reading would have been a complete disappointment except for a genius case of casting. Sledge Hammer (David Rasche) and Oz‘s Vern Schillinger (J.K. Simmons) finally meet. It’s the rabid lawman reporting to the Aryan Brotherhood’s main man. Good versus evil meet over a desk at the CIA headquarters. Did the Coen Brothers really know what they were doing? This goes up with Donald Duck and Daffy Duck facing off in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Although it’ll be nice when the Coen brothers decide to show us the third act play out.

  • Party Favors: Coochie! Coochie!

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    BURBANK – NBC ought to just change their slogan to “We’re Chattin’ Fools!”

    The announcement of Jay Leno taking over the Monday through Friday 10 p.m. slot for his Tonight Show wasn’t unexpected. Jeff Zucker (star of Fat Actress) has been letting the network focus more on its high rated morning and late night line ups. Primetime was getting in the way. Did anyone really thing reviving The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider was going to make the Peacock proud? Think of Jay Leno as the Channel’s Chunnel to get beneath the low performing comedies, dramas and gameshows.

    This means NBC will now have three and a half hours of nightly talkshows to promote their 2 hours of primetime. Not to mention the 4 hours of the Today Show that’s news lite with a heavy focus on star interviews. That’s 7 1/2 hours of infotainment coming to you fresh daily from NBC.

    How long can a broadcast network sustain itself with 7 1/2 hours of people sitting behind desks each day? How many A List stars will grind through Matt, Meredith, Al, Jay, Conan, Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly? They’re going to be running out of “exclusives” come March. They don’t have enough Saturday Night Live cast members to roam across the hallway for Late Night.

    Maybe they’ll just get the CNN holographer to beams stars between all the studios? But with five less hours of prime time talent to promote, NBC won’t have much need for exclusive action. Plus NBC-Universal is cutting back on their movie output so those stars won’t be crawling all over the green room.

    When Andy Warhol predicted in the future we’d all be famous for 15 minutes, he nailed a Nostradamus vision. In the coming decade, we’ll all get 15 minutes as a guest on NBC talkshows. This might be good news for Odd-listers. The web people might finally get a chance to sneak on the sofas. Jay will need more strange superstars to kill that hour. Although the fear is that NBC will go cheap and just have handpuppets fill in the booking gaps.

    QUICKIE GIFTS

    If you need to grab a couple gifts this holiday season, there’s quite a few continuing series worth wrapping up. The Complete Peanuts 1967-1970 Box Set brings Snoopy into his superstar turf. He’s joined by his little pal Woodstock. Also the first real black character arrives with Franklin. Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, Vol. 6 has several wartime cartoons. Bugs and Daffy fight back the Germans and the Japanese. Ever notice how today’s cartoon characters are such utter cowards. Why hasn’t Spongebob Squarepants gone after Bin Laden? Can’t Dora the Explorer funnel information to the CIA? Walt Disney Treasures only has three titles in the tins this year. The Chronological Donald, Vol 4 1951-1961 wraps up all the theatrical shorts starring Donald Duck. They even toss in “Donald in Mathmagic Land.” The Mickey Mouse Club Presents Annette has all the segments from our favorite Beach Party star’s series. Dr. Syn: The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh is the hot title of the year. You can’t buy this new online. If you see it at your local store grab it. It’s already going for $80. Patrick McGoohan (The Prisoner) is a priest who uses a disguise to smuggle booze into England. Finally there’s Saturday Night Live: The Fourth Season. This is the last time for John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd.

    HOLIDAY GUEST STAR!!!!

    Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s our special Christmas moment with Charo!

    Make sure you watch it in “high quality” mode. Charo’s rump shaking is stunning. In case you’re curious, Charo and Tony Sacca were shooting the finale of his Las Vegas PBS special.

    STARS?

    The cast of the Celebrity Apprentice have been announced. Remember when Donald Trump announced that he’d be getting Oscar winners, sports superstars, titans of industry and Nobel prize winners to play his game? Guess who qualifies as Award winners, business bigwigs and media superstars to the Donald this time around:

    Andrew Dice Clay – Is he going to spend half the show talking about how he’s going to sell out Giants Stadium? He’s on NBC so he can’t unload his classic nursery rhymes.

    Tom Green – Glad to see he was able to take time away from preproduction of Freddie Got Fingered 2. The kids on The Hills don’t remember when he was an MTV Superstar. Expect to see him work the “I’m Canadian and don’t quite understand your culture” angle.

    Clint Black – is this year’s Trace Adkins. Wasn’t his last reality series the one that had Sulu sing country and was canceled after 1 episode? Isn’t it bad luck to have a celeb from a reality disaster on board? Or maybe it’s good luck for us.

    Annie Duke – will bring her Poker wits to the boardroom. She will be responsible for all the “gambler” instinct references.

    Claudia Jordan – is a Deal or No Deal model. Claudia makes Vanna White look overworked. You open 1 suitcase an hour and that makes you a superstar? The Samsonite Gorilla must have been booked for a cruise.

    Brian McKnight – must have to plug an album. At least he can put an end to the misconception that he was a member of New Kids on the Block.

    Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins of TLC – count her tributes to Left Eye Lopez.

    Herschel Walker – will show off his Heisman skills. Perhaps Donald will talk about the cash he paid Walker to run for his USFL New Jersey Generals? Whatever they do, don’t let Herschel listen to music while he parks the car in the garage.

    Natalie Gulbis – is the new LPGA Golfing hottie. She hasn’t won an LPGA tournament. Her twist on the LPGA tour is that she’s not from Asia and she’s not name dropped on The L Word. Now that’s a rarity on the tour.

    “One-time skating champ Scott Hamilton” – must be nice that they had to single out his singular achievement. The guy won the gold medal in 1984 along with 4 consecutive US and World titles. What must Donald Trump’s people belittle Hamilton? What would Brian Boitano do, Scott?

    Khloe Kardashian – a celebrity for re-enacting her drunk driving bust for Ryan Seacrest’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians series. This woman barely works at her family’s clothing store and leeches off her sex tape making sister’s barely existent fame. Lenny who hangs out at the Today Show is a bigger star than this woman. America cares about Lenny if they don’t see him outside the studio. Why couldn’t the Donald get Lenny to appear on the show? Guess Trump doesn’t have real pull with real famous people.

    Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa Rivers – Are they going to tagteam it? Is this a step up from the TV Guide Channel? Shouldn’t there be a rule that contestants have to be carbon based?

    Actress Brande Roderick… acted like she really liked having sex with Hef. She’s practically a lost Tweed sister.

    Dennis Rodman – Does this man need anymore attention? Doesn’t he have a court hearing this week? Maybe he’ll bump uglies with Joan by the end of the show.

    Is this really an A List line up for a major network show? Trump makes NBC look lower on the food chain than Fox Reality. Any random episode of Match Game ’76 has more star power than this cast. Why do these people play for charity? A majority of them are charity cases.

    Why doesn’t he book his Palm Beach pals that were scammed for billions by Bernard Madoff. Wouldn’t America enjoy watching broke bluebloods eating pig vaginas for enough cash to pay for their poodle’s spa day? Screw it. I’m pitching this show: Eat the Rich. Each week Wall Street Busts have to compete with unemployed factory workers for a week at a fancy hotel. Bluebloods vs. Blue Collars can work as a title, too. If Donald Trump keeps playing with his mortgage payments, he might be available for the pilot.

    MISSING MISS PAGE

    It was amusing to watch the main stream media obituaries for Bettie Page. They presented her as this sweet pin up model from the 1950s. But there were tons of those gals working the cheesecake circuit. What Bettie did was look incredibly hot with bangs and a ballgag. Even half a century later, her fetish influence still dominates the curiously kinky. Who didn’t want to come home and find a blindfolded Bettie tied down to the ottoman?

    MANNIX MANIA

    CBS DVD is swell enough to let me sponsor a giveaway of 5 copies of Mannix: The Second Season. This classic TV detective series is one of my favorites with Mike Connors playing the good living private investigator. There’s a review in this column’s DVD Shelf section.

    In order to win one of the Mannix: The Second Season boxsets, you’ll have to answer a question based on the Party Favors interview with Mannix’s Mike Connors. Name the Oscar winning director and Hall of Fame basketball coach that pushed him towards acting as a career? It’s two different people in case you are wondering. Coach K has not won the Academy Award. Send the answer along with your name and address to mokaha@aol.com by Jan. 9. Employees of the Party Favors, Mike Connors and Tim Robbins are not allowed to win. Although if Mike Connors wants a copy of Mannix: The Second Season, I’ll buy him one.

    ENOUGH MULTI-MERICANS!

    The United States of Tara would be really original if it didn’t look like the offspring of Tracey Ullman’s State of the Union” and “Little Britain USA. Is it necessary to have another show featuring a Commonwealther playing multiple Americans? Next year we’ll have the graduating class of RADA perform as every citizen of Atlanta on Starz. As revenge we need to have Tom Arnold play every member of the English Royal Family. He does a great impersonation of the Queen breaking a fart next to Lady Di’s ghost.

    AH THAT SMELL

    Did you know that Sean Combs’ “I Am King” cologne makes a great vinaigrette dressing? It knows how to sex up arugula. The sweet smell of Combs lets the ladies know that you’re a douchebag who will talk over any song on the radio. The scent reminds her that before the end of the hour, she will be eliminated.

    Party Monsters Cabo has me asking that sad question: Can’t the Mexican police please stop letting these people back into America? Why can’t border security shutdown the human-dopes trade?

    TO BE THE MAN

    Suspended NHLer Sean Avery needs to enter his true profession: Pro Wrestling. Avery can easily be the new Ric Flair when it comes to walking the walk and talking the talk. He’s got the fashion sense and the desire to get the crowd to boo. He’s got the ability to cause a feud with a pack of Wrigley gum. He ought to just start off as a manager so he can hit the ground running. Sure he’s got the “sloppy seconds” stigma, but when has that mattered to Vince McMahon? Avery working against John Cena could be the boost the WWE needs for Wrestlemania.

    PHELPS OVERLOAD

    Is Michael Phelps on every channel? I can’t flip around without seeing his mug. He’s at the Sunday night football game. He’s on every talkshow. He’s at the Celtics game. He’s counting ballots in Minnesota. He’s perp walking a governor. He’s swearing in Obama. He’s putting Jared out of work. Who died and made Phelps the new Rachael Ray? He’s almost on TV as much as reruns of Scrubs.

    SUCK ON THIS

    Nice to see Chris Weitz (American Pie) taking over Twilight. Wonder if we’ll have a young vampire digging his fangs into a cherry pie? Or perhaps a vampire thinking he’s getting a pint of O negative only to discover it’s got a protein kicker? And does this mean the vampires will battle Polar Bears? True Blood Vs. True North coming this winter!

    BLU-RAY HEAVEN

    The Duchess Blu-ray lets Keira Knightley and her wardrobe sparkle in 1080p. Keira’s the title’s Duchess. She’s stuck in a figurehead position since her Duke husband (Ralph Fiennes) is banging his mistress. She decides that she needs a little action to keep herself busy. Unfortunately while society turns a blind eye towards the husband getting nookie on the side, this is a no-no for the wives. Keira has to fight the repressive nature of British royalty so she can have an orgasm. This is a classy and carnal movie. The bonus features give the historical details of the Duchess including an interview with the writer of her biography.

    Eagle Eye Blu-ray continues Shia LaBeouf’s rise to America’s hottest new action star. This time he gets thrown into a high-tech version of North By Northwest. A mysterious cellphone caller keeps giving him strange orders. He can’t disobey or he’ll get screwed big time as trouble goes out of control. They keep throwing stuff at Shia. Michelle Monaghan also gets the same troublesome phone calls. They join up in their pursuit of trying to figure out who is screwing with their lives and controlling the universe. This is Hitchcock after a case of Red Bull. All the bonus features are in HD including a gag reel. The “Is My Cellphone Watching Me” featurette puts the high tech heebies into you.

    Ghost Town Blu-ray reminds us that Manhattan is extremely crowded when you count the dearly departed. Ricky Gervais (Extras) is a dentist who suffers a near death experience. He comes back from the light with the ability to see Greg Kinnear’s earthbound spirit. Greg needs Ricky to bust up the romance between his widow (Tea Leoni) and Bill Campbell. It’s kind of like Ghost except with a lot less violence. Ricky does capture the comedic nature of being in a romance. You can almost believe he can bag Tea. The hi-def allows the Kinnear to vanish better than when he made Dear God. The bonus features include Gervais on the commentary track and specials on the spectral effects.

    Dexter: The Complete First Season – Blu-ray brings the magic everyone’s favorite serial killer to its Showtime HD roots. Michael C. Hall (Six Feet Under) is the blood splatter specialist for the Miami Police. But he’s got a major secret. At night he hunts down the guilty and slices them up in order to feed his homicidal urges properly. The first season focuses on his pursuit of another serial killer that’s slicing up hookers around town. He can’t stand competition. He learns plenty about himself while looking for a killer that drains all the blood from his victims. The Hi-Def picture still doesn’t reveal the fact that locations around Southern California substitute for Miami. Most of the bonus features are BD-Live connected including getting to see how a real murder investigation goes down.

    THE DVD SHELF

    Duckman: Seasons Three & Four wraps up the greatest animated series about a dirty talking waterfowl private investigator. Jason Alexander voiced Duckman. He was a more disturbing in his attitude and opinions than Peter Griffin on Family Guy. “Sperms of Endearment” has his sister-in-law discover the horrifying truth that she paid a pregnancy clinic to unload a turkeybaster of Duckman’s Babybatter inside her. It’s even more disgusting than my description. “Apocalypse Not” has the entire town go inside a bunker while Duckman destroys everything like Godzilla with a webbed feet. The final 48 shameless episodes are on 7 DVDs. This is just pure duck bliss. It’s a joy to have all 4 seasons of Duckman on the shelf.

    The Tudors: The Complete Second Season keeps up the royal goodness that was Henry VIII’s early marriages. The historical drama picks up as Henry VIII (B. Monkey‘s Jonathan Rhys Meyers) pleads to have his divorce and marriage to Anne Boleyn (Natalie Dormer) recognized by the Catholic Church. The Pope (Peter O’Toole) won’t hear it. The marriage hits rocky ground when Anne doesn’t quite seal the deal by producing a male heir. Many of you will learn what happened to her since you obviously fell asleep during British History 204. This is better than your normal history lecture since Meyers and Dormer demonstrate where royal heirs come from. This is on my list of best TV shows of 2008.

    Mannix: The Second Season brings the detective to the format that made him a hit for 7 seasons. Instead of being a top investigator for a computerized private firm, Mannix (Mike Connors) is now an independent operator. His only employee is Peggy Fair (Gail Fisher). Mannix rules because he enjoyed Scotch, steak, women and fist fight with equal passion. And now that he can pick his caseload, he’s even more involved with clients. “The Silent Cry” has a deaf woman lip read a kidnapper making a call from a payphone. It’s up to Mannix to find the victim and identify the kidnapper before the deaf woman vanishes too. “In Need of a Friend” uncages John Colicos (Battlestar Galactica‘s Baltar) after being falsely accused of embezzling a million dollars. He wants to find out who set him up and how did Mannix bust him on bogus evidence. Mannix feels bad about this and wants to make it right. Cloris Leachman (Dancing with the Stars) is the ex-con’s ex-wife. Timothy Carey (Paths of Glory) pops up in “The Odds Against Donald Jordan.” The 25 cases on Mannix: The Second Season bring us the broadcast badass.

    American Teen is a documentary that follows a group of seniors at an Indiana High School. It kinda wants to update of what The Breakfast Club kids would be doing in the 21st Century. We get a sense of the social groups that lurk in the cornbelt. The film is most disturbing when you watch kids doing stuff that nobody would want shown in a public light. Do you really want America to see you spray painting offensive language on a house? They also have a guy circulating a nude photo of his ex-girlfriend through the internet. Does he really want her dad knowing that he did it? You might consider sending your kids to a Swiss boarding school after watching American Teen. The DVD is only available at Target.

    MY CHRISTMAS WISH

    That I write something so profound that Megan Fox has it tattooed on her ass.

  • Party Favors: Ring A Ding Ding

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    VIRGINIA CITY – Not every woman working at the Bunny Ranch is an HBO star. You’ll recognize Bunny Love, Air Force Amy and Audrey in the line up, but there’s plenty of fresh faces ready to introduce themselves. These are women who don’t want to bask in the limelight or even have their pics posted on brothel’s website.

    Why be anonymous at the high profile Bunny Ranch? One woman grew up in the area. She always makes sure the local guests don’t recognize her. She has no dream of being a spokesmodel for “Take an Uncle to Work Day.” She won’t arrive at the line up until she checks the security monitor. One night a pack of old high school classmates decided they were going to party in the parlor. She spent the night in her room with a good book. Quite a few women commute from around the country. They appreciate the chance to earn more cash than pulling extra shifts at Hooters. The folks back home think they’re earning quick bucks cocktail waitressing at Reno casinos.

    Hollywood always likes to push the prostitute character as either dim or a streetwise cookie. A majority of the Bunnies we spent time with were well educated. Many of them had not even worked as strippers. They’re smart enough to know there’s little point in shaking your breasts in a guy’s face while hanging on a pole for a dollar.

    People will always ponder what drives a smart woman into prostitution. After quite a few informal chats, I deduced one common thread: Student loans. Many of the women had graduated from very influential schools. They were stuck owing over $100,000 plus for a liberal arts degree that sounded great, but could barely land a gig at Barnes and Noble. One had a degree in social work that after a five year career, left her living under the poverty line. They needed an economic boost that waitressing doesn’t offer. A person can only handle so many extra jobs before they question the point of living if your waking hours are spent punching the clock and getting deeper in debt.

    Currently Dennis Hof has Natalie Dylan offering up her virginity to pay for her grad school. Alana Love is 7 months pregnant and eager to take on clients to wipe the slate on her pharmaceutical school loan and afford to be a stay at home mom. Ivy League schools ought to offer Prostitution as a minor for the non-trust fund kids. There was a recent high school graduate who had chosen working at the Bunny Ranch as her career goal when she was 14 after seeing the first HBO America Undercover special. She’s saving up for school.

    Our hostess for Saturday evening was Danielle Luciano. She had returned to the Ranch after taking a few years off. During her first tenure, she was a low profile Bunny. Nobody in her family knew that she did this for a living. When she decided to get back in the business, she came out to her close family members. She wanted to be able to put her photos up on the website and help with publicity events without worrying about a nosey aunt finking her out to dad. Turns out that it wasn’t a traumatic revelation. The family knew about HBO series and didn’t have any problems with her working at that brothel.

    Danielle was very open when it came to talking about her profession. While there is a gym at the Bunny Ranch compound, her most important exercise routine is Kegels. A Bunny has to be tight and rocking all over. Since my wife had come along on the trip to act as producer and Bunny wrangler (although mostly she wrangled me), the subject of threesomes was inevitable. Many of the Bunnies are gay for pay. If your wife is ready for her first threesome, you don’t want a woman who isn’t fully enthusiastic about the fun. You can’t afford the afterglow to be ruined by your wife declaring, “That was more for you than me.” You want her blissed out and drooling from all the attention. You want this to be a do-over moment. While you might have your dreamy third partner picked out, let your wife do the choosing. Odds are she’ll find the Bunny who will know how to equally divide her attention. Using our journalistic skills, we were able to observe that Danielle’s tip really worked. She’s very knowledgeable when it comes to couples play.

    During breakfast, we hung out with Max. She’s best known for playing naked chess on Cathouse. She believes that a majority of men want princesses when they ring the buzzer. They want to spend time with the woman that’d be unapproachable in a normal social setting. Max doesn’t think a woman should smoke a cigarette or drink out of a beer bottle while lounging near the bar. What’s the point of coming to the Bunny Ranch to hit on a woman they could find in any Nevada honky tonk? She told us about a guy who was a major fan of Cathouse and wanted to hook up with one of the leading ladies. Upon arrival, he saw her by the bar sucking down a longneck and puffing away on a Virginia Slim. The image turned him off. He didn’t even approach his intended Bunny. Instead he found a lady in the parlor that impressed him and spent $5,000 for a night long party. Further proof that smoking is bad.

    While Max thinks that a Bunny can elevate her career by doing adult material, the Bunny has to be careful of the genre. Do the wrong film and she’s no longer considered a high dollar date. What hedgefund manager wants to spend $10,000 to hook up with a woman who stars in hobo gangbang videos? Guys don’t like to think about who’s been with her before them. Even less men want to know that they’re getting Boxcar Willie Jr’s sloppy fifty-thirds. I came to trust Max’s opinions since she only works by appointment.

    We come to the final two video segments of The Party Favors interview with Dennis Hof. Ron Howard has dropped out of the bidding war for Hof/Corey. All we have left is Roger Corman and a VHS-only operation out of Brussels. Corman promises I can play myself if I’m flame resistant. Otherwise he’s calling Clint Howard.

    Our talk picks up with the cliffhanger of how Dennis went to an extreme to legally smoke pot. The topic changes to how he feels when he sees pimps and madames being busted outside of Nevada. Learn about Dennis’s relationship with Heidi Fleiss. Dennis discusses the new episodes of Cathouse on HBO (best found at the HBO OnDemand channel). He plugs the boxset containing the first two seasons and the musical of the show. He explains the educational value of the series. We dip into the new trends in what clients want to enjoy during their visits. Plus legendary boxer Butterbean is coming to the Bunny Ranch, but not the same way as porn stars Sunny Lane and Anna Mills.

    Seeing how Ron Jeremy is rumored to be Jewish, the Golden Nugget Casino won’t accept wagers on his chances to beat Butterball for the last pork chop.

    The final segment features exterior shots as we show off the area around the Ranch and the changes to the Brothel. There’s a Pony Express stop on the property. As a warning: Moonlight Benny’s is a real body shop and not a brothel. None of the selections the receptionist offers are euphemisms. The full service does involve paint and a hammer. Dennis discusses how the gift shop helps lure the curious into being full service guests. You can even buy his special hot sauce at any hour.

    After the interview with Dennis wrapped up, Brooke Taylor arrived. She’d been in New York City to appear on a variety of shows including Tyra. Brooke has had a strange career path. Her life at that Ranch had been fully documented by HBO. America got to see her first day on the job. We were there when she popped her professional cherry. Because of her performance on Cathouse: The Musical, Brooke has performed at the Filmore West and the House of Blues. She became the centerfold in Hustler at the same time Marie Claire did a profile piece on her. She’s a very busy woman who still has time to lay back and enjoy her day job.

    The sad fate of Isabella Soprano weighed heavily on my questions. I wanted to know what kept Brooke Taylor stable. She invited us into her bedroom and we turned on the camera.

    Brooke explains things that a woman needs to know before she considers a life at the Ranch. Remember to practice negotiations before you arrive in Carson City. I end up asking Brooke how strange it is that she went to college to study music, but received her big break while working in a brothel. This is a path that your college career counselor never discuss.

    Thus we come to the end of the Party Favors visit to the Bunny Ranch. We’d like to thank Dennis Hof, Madame Suzette, Brooke Taylor, Max, the charming staff and the extremely rocking Danielle Luciano for their hospitality.

    WIN SOME SWING

    CBS DVD has been nice enough to let 5 of my faithful readers win copies of Swingtown: The First Season. The DVD will be released on Dec. 9. Normally I’d have you email in your name and address and five randomly chosen folks would win. But since Swingtown has been a favorite of this column, we’re having a quiz. In addition to sending in your name and address, you must answer these three questions about the show:

    What star of Swingtown filmed a scene for a movie I produced?
    According to the Party Favors, what series now features Grant Show’s pornstache?
    What did Dennis Hof and I say about Swingtown during the Hof/Corey interview?

    If you have these answers, drop me an email at mokaha@aol.com by Dec. 14. You must be 18 and allow 4-6 weeks to get your prize. My parents, co-workers, Anson Williams and Grant Show’s pornstache are not allowed to enter. Enclosing Polaroids that your parents sent to swingers magazines in 1976 won’t help you win, but they will be appreciated by our judges. Thanks once more to CBS for making a few of my readers be winners this holiday season.

    In case you’re curious about the show, there’s a proper review in The DVD Shelf section.

    DINING TIP

    If you’re in Carson City, drop by Ti Amo in the Casino Fandango. The Seafood Lasagna still makes me drool. There’s plenty of shrimp, lobster, crab and scallops between the layers of noodles. It reheats nicely for when you need extra fuel for playing the Happy Days penny slots. Did I mention that Anson Williams cost me $2.38? Damn that Potsie.

    VEGAS EATS

    When you plan on visiting Las Vegas, skip the Strip and head to Fremont Street. There’s a friendly vibe downtown. My favorite place to snack on the street was Mermaid’s Casino. The slot palace offers up 99 cent Nathan’s hotdogs, deep fried Twinkies and deep fried Oreos. What makes the little grill in the back extra special is the staff is just bouncing around to the music on the PA system. The folks seemed like they were being pumped full of oxygen. They gave off enough energy to revive me from my Potsie downfall. I couldn’t help but smile and bounce around while waiting for my chocolate covered frozen banana. The Mermaid’s Casino is truly old school since they have change cups unlike that cheapskate Steve Wynn’s new casino: Redundant.

    LEARN FROM MY PAIN

    A little tip for business and tech people: When a person on the internet advertises that they’re proficient in CBT, this normally doesn’t mean Computer Based Training. Do not invite them to your office for a presentation.

    JOE THE ZILCHER

    John McCain screwed up and it cost me my ambassadorship to Hawaii. The position is still on the books at the State Department. You think the feds ever eliminate a gig? There’s still a Department of Buggywhip Inspection. My destiny of being Ambassador to the land of Don Ho was screwed by Joe the Plumber. When John McCain needed a Joe to prop up his campaign, he refused to call me. I’m a real Joe. As we know by now, Joe the Plumber is really a guy named Sam. Those of us named Joe take the business of being a Joe seriously. If your first name isn’t Joe, you’re not a Joe. It’s that simple. Jesus didn’t go by his middle name (which I think was Joe). John McCain ticked off the International Brotherhood of Joes and cost me my chance to operate out of Jack Lord’s old palace office. Let this be a lesson to all those in America that when you need a Joe, you come to a Joe and not a dofus named Sam.

    MSNBC needs to fix their Joe crisis. When Joe Scarbough goes on vacation, they need a guest host named Joe to host Morning Joe. Mika Brzezinski and Willie Geist aren’t Joes. Neither is that Mike Barnicle guy. I’m not even sure if he’s really a Mike since he comes off as a Gary. MSNBC needs to understand that when you advertise a Joe, you better have a backup Joe ready to go. It can’t be that hard of a job unless you have to wax Pat Buchanan’s back during the commercial breaks.

    THE DVD SHELF

    A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! is as great as advertised. This is the greatest Christmas special since Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special. The premise is simple: a ruthless bear has trapped Colbert in his cabin. He can’t get to New York to host his Christmas special with Elvis Costello. The holiday festivities come to him with truly an all-star cast without any faux-stars with E! reality shows. Toby Keith has confused me. The guy was a big turn off with his Karl Rove approved anthems. But on this special, Keith gives a hilarious song about what he’ll do to defend Christmas. John Legend performs the sexiest song about nutmeg. Jon Stewart brings a little Old Testament holiday wishes. Willie Nelson’s fourth wiseman song will never be sung at a Catholic Church’s midnight mass. Feist is angelic on all levels. You’ll probably wonder why you need the DVD when this special is being repeated on Comedy Central right now. The DVD has bonus features. You get a video Yule Log that gets an extra flame boost from books. There’s even a Colbert Advent calendar that’s better than the one your Aunt Eunice gave you. Plus be thrilled by the alternate endings. Your Christmas isn’t complete unless you give all your friends A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!

    Swingtown: The First Season gives a strange bit of hope that last summer’s series might be back for a second round of hanky-panky. Molly Parker and Lana Parrilla put the Bi into Bicentennial with this short season that centered around the 4th of July in 1976. The 13 episodes explore what happens when a normal married couple move to wild side of Chicago. Parker (Deadwood) and Jack Davenport (Pirates of the Caribbean) discover their neighbors are swingers. Parrilla is an ex-stewardess who knows how to tighten more than a seatbelt. Pilot Grant Show (Melrose Place) plays second banana to an amazing pornstache. The couples boogie down, but guilt grabs Parker and Davenport. They’re not sure if they’re cut out to cut loose. There’s also the issue of their daughter hooking up with her summer school teacher. Oddly enough that while the action takes place 32 years ago, the morality brigade went nuts over CBS running the series. But there’s nothing on this show that isn’t part of an afternoon soap opera. The DVD has a few bonus features including a blooper reel. They didn’t include the ’60s record deal commercial hosted by Peter Fonda. If the DVD does well and the show grabs a couple end of the year awards, Swingtown might be back next summer. This might be the perfect Christmas gift for the neighbors you want to covet in a group plan.

    Man On Wire is a bold, death-defying examination of Phillipe Petit’s illegal wire walk between the World Trade Center’s Twin Towers in 1974. The film mixes recreation footage with the actual coverage of the historic day. They show Petit’s previous walks between Notre Dame Cathedral and the Sydney Harbor Bridge. He’s like an outlaw version of the Flying Wallendas. The execution of securing the wire between the buildings is more exciting than any scheme in the lame Ocean’s Eleven films. While the documentary should be the celebration of a daredevil’s spirit, there is sadness. How can a viewer not get misty eyed seeing the Towers still erect? Michael Nyman’s music from The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover plays during a section showing the Towers being constructed. And it hits how temporary this massive structure became. You need to watch this film twice – once for the Towers and another for Petit. Man On Wire is compelling cinema that pulls us into Petit’s passion to accomplish this outrageous feat. Man on Wire and The Dark Knight are the films that mark 2008.

    Happy Days: The Fourth Season brought the word Mallachi Crunch to sports. “Fonzie Loves Pinky” was an epic three parter. Howard’s lodge is hosting a demolition derby. Part of the entertainment is female motorcycle daredevil Pinky Tuscadero. While the Fonz is favored to win the derby, he has to worry about the Mallachi brothers. They’re notorious for a move where they smash a car on both sides at once. During the episode Fonz falls hard for Pinky. But before he can marry her, they have to survive the Derby. As a kid, these episodes were more terrifying than when Fonzie jumped the garbage cans in season three. Pat Morita returns for “The Graduation.” During the end of school dance, Anson Williams jumps on stage and unloads a not even close to the 1950s ballad. How come you can’t find any Anson Williams records outside of a 45 on ebay and the show’s theme? Why aren’t there bootlegs of Anson Williams live at the Whiskey A-Go-Go? “Fonzie’s Baptism” brings the Fonz to Jesus. Wasn’t this a Family Guy episode? Happy Days: The Fourth Season was the final year before it “jumped the shark.”

    Petticoat Junction: The Official First Season is the link between The Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres. The action takes place at the Shady Rest Hotel that’s on the rail line near Hootersville. The place is run by Bea Benaderet (Jethro’s mother) and her three really hot daughters. They’re all a handful for the quiet community. The first few episodes have the immortal Charles Lane swearing to shut down the steam locomotive. Bea does her best to have him forget about it. Many of the Green Acres characters are also on this show including Sam Drucker (Frank Cady) running the general store. Adam West (Batman) plays the doctor on “My Daughter the Doctor” and “Hootersville VS Hollywood.” It’s amazing that this show ran for seven seasons, but never received the rerun action of its sister shows. The DVD includes the old commercials starring the cast. This first season has 38 episodes Southern hospitality.

    Beverly Hills 90210: The Sixth Season is a must see for old timers who feel pangs of nostalgia when they catch promos for 90210 on the CW. The action on this boxset took place for 1995-96. The shocker of the season is Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) becomes a junky. She was the original Amy Winehouse. Who could imagine sweet little Kelly snorting up blow like an English supermodel? Donna (Tori Spelling) has to break with an abusive boyfriend. Dylan (Luke Perry) is ready to wed. Does this mean he’ll leave the show? I’m not giving it away. For many, this was the clutch season of heartbreak and triumph. For Steve (Ian Ziering), this was the year he joined AARP.

    Cannon: Season One, Volume Two brings Leif Garrett back to the column. “Death Is a Double Cross” has Cannon riding the train to protect a millionaire’s wife and two children. Leif and Dawn Lyn are the kids. Lyn is best remembered as Dodie, the adopted daughter on My Three Sons. Turns out she’s also Leif’s sister. “”Treasure of San Ignacio” puts Cannon on the trail of thieves who rob a church’s artifacts. “To Kill a Guinea Pig” brings us the always creepy Geoffrey Lewis (who is not Robert Pine) to horrify Vera Miles (Psycho). She’s running a drug study at a prison. Lewis’ boss wants a certain inmate to be part of the program. Only Cannon can help her from this evil web. Even with his huge gut, William Conrad is still physical in scenes. He moves pretty well for a hefty guy. He’s got 13 clients on this boxset that need his expert detective help.

    Jake and the Fatman: Season One, Volume Two means you’re getting a double dose of William Conrad fighting crime. This time he has help with Jake (Joe Penny) doing the heavy lifting. The big highlight of the second half of the first season is watching David Soul choking the life out of his wife on “How Long Has This Been Going On?” How can the star of Starsky and Hutch be so vicious? He’s a Yacht Rock superstar. Of course discovering your wife is banging a priest might get a man upset. He frames the priest, but Jake doesn’t buy it since he’s pals with the padre. Speaking of hall of fame creepy character actors, Joseph Ruskin is a mobster in “After You’ve Gone.” Did you know he’s the only actor to have appeared on every Star Trek live action TV show? “Lady Be Good” also has a Trekkie connection with Nana Visitor (DS9) killing a rich guy while he was staging his own death. Even though Conrad is slow to move and looks like he sleeps in his office, he knows how to solve a case. He didn’t get to be Los Angeles District Attorney by looking good on posters.

    Perry Mason: Season 3, Volume 2 allows us to once more see America’s greatest TV lawyer in action. Raymond Burr accepts 14 more clients in this boxset. “The Case of the Slandered Submarine” allows him to visit a military court. There’s a few bodies connected to the testing of a high tech device. “The Case of the Singing Skirt” has a bunch of illegal actions taking place at a legal casino. The owner decides to set up a worker for the fall. But she does the smartest thing a you can do: hires Perry Mason to prove her innocence. “The Cast of the Prudent Prosecutor” has D.A. Hamilton Burger begging Perry to defend a pal. How much did that have to hurt Burger to get assistance from the man who kicks his ass almost every week in the courtroom? The picture quality is still stunning on these transfers. Just remember that anything you see in an episode of Perry Mason can’t be used on the Bar exam.

    The Mod Squad: Season 2, Volume 1 unleashes the grooviest crime fighting trio. Pete (Michael Cole), Linc (Clarence Williams III) and Julie (Peggy Lipton) are still the mystery unit run by the Captain (Tige Andrews). “Lisa” has them protecting Carolyn Jones (Morticia from The Addams Family) from a mysterious hitman. The most obvious suspect is Joseph Ruskin. The Squad suspect Carolyn isn’t telling them her whole story. “Ride the Man Down” has them meet Richard Anderson (The Six Million Dollar Man‘s Oscar Goldman) after Pete gets nailed with murder charges. “The Healer” has a homicidal quack loose in the urban jungle. Dwayne Hickman (Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine) rubs elbows with Julie. Linc gets to fall in love again during “To Linc – With Love.” The object of his affection is a DMV instructor has a dark past. What could be darker than working for the DMV? The Mod Squad is still the coolest because Peggy Lipton makes me melt.

    Gunsmoke: The Third Season, Volume 1 is perhaps your best quickie gift for Grandpa. Who didn’t grow up with their old man watching Matt Dillon cleaning up Dodge City? The series at this point is still black and white and only 30 minutes long. “Jesse” has my favorite plot of a son showing up in Dodge City ready to gundown the man who shot his daddy. Sadly this does not star Dennis Hopper. “Romeo” lets Robert Vaughn (Man From UNCLE) get romantic with a land baron’s daughter. Daddy isn’t happy and takes it out on the town. “Doc’s Reward” shows he can handle a gun like a scalpel. He puts a slug in Jack Lord. But in a shocking twist, Lord returns for his revenge. Fans of The Dick Van Dyke Show will get a thrill with Rose Marie in “Twelfth Night” and Morey Amsterdam in “Joe Phy.” Jack Klugman (Quincy) rides the range in Buffalo Hunter. He’s poaching on Indian land so the Sheriff has to do something that’s tantamount to murder!

    Rawhide: The Third Season, Volume 2 reminds us that there was time when Clint Eastwood’s face didn’t look like a Francis Bacon portrait. Clint is youthful and not even in charge of the drovers. He keeps the cows moving as they cross paths with other stars. “Incident of the Running Iron” has one of them accused of rustling. Dwayne Hickman is part of the family that holds his fate. John Cassavetes (Killing of a Chinese Bookie) gets heated up during “Incident Near Gloomy River.” He’s been courting a woman who has eyes for his brother. “Incident of His Brother’s Keeper” puts Jack Lord (Hawaii Five-O) in a wheelchair. He gets nasty when Sheb Wooley takes his woman dancing. The Lord versus Clint should pay-per-view. Star Trek fans will get to see Spock vs. Clint during “Incident Before Black Pass.” “Incident of the Lost Idol” has Claude Akins (Sheriff Lobo) bounty hunting. Rawhide‘s extensive outdoor shooting makes it play more like a short movie than just a normal TV Western.

    Bachelorman is a romantic comedy starring David DeLuise (Dom’s son) as a guy who knows what women need cause he worships them. He’s the second coming of The Tao of Steve with Donal Logue’s trainer. He gets involved with his neighbor (Josie and the Pussycats‘s Missi Pyle) only to discover she’s not a one night stand. Can he muster the energy to remain a swinging single? Blake Clark gets work without Adam Sandler writing the check. Clyde Kusatsu (Midway) plays the sushi making neighbor. He’s been in tons of shows over the years. Fans of naughty things on the internet will get to ogle Kira Reed. Bachelorman allows Missi Pyle to use her comic muscles for longer than her short time on Soul Plane. There are quite a few useful tips given off by DeLuise. The DVD contains the complete promo for TesteFlex.

    Mister Foe is an unnerving piece of cinema from Scotland. Jamie Bell (Billy Elliot) has become a voyeur in the wake of his mother’s death. He suspects that his father’s new wife (Mallrats‘ Claire Forlani) killed her. Dad (Rome‘s Ciaran Hinds) tries to be understanding of his son’s weirdness. However the son’s peeping tom hobby is driving him nuts. It’s quite shocking to see Claire play a wicked stepmother. Her sweet face can turn diabolical. The weirdness get kicked up a notch when stepmother goes Cinemax After Dark on her stepson. Is she distracting him or just a slut? This is another small film that you’ll need to watch on your TV screen.

    Hancock was such a big piece of crap that Stephen Sommers ought to have his name on him. The first half has a weird potential with Will Smith as Abel Ferrara with superpowers. Although the idea of super sperm nearly killing a woman was an old “why Superman has to pull out of Lois Lane” joke. Jason Bateman trying to clean him up was OK. When we get the plot twist with Charlize Theron, I thew up in my popcorn. Why did I think this film wouldn’t blow chunks with the star of The Wild Wild West, I Am Legend and Bad Boys II? Cause I’m a cockeyed optimist.

    Horton Hears A Who proves you can make a feature length film out of a Dr. Seuss book that doesn’t get annoying like the dreadful live action Grinch and Cat in the Hat flicks. Horton goes CGI which allows them to truly explore Dr. Seuss’ illustrations without merely adapting them to human form. Horton the elephant discovers a whole world living on a speck. Everyone thinks he’s nuts including the mayor of Whoville. The Whoville folks don’t think they’re on a speck. Horton wants to put the speck in a safe place outside of his vicious jungle domain. It’s an action heavy flick with animals out to take down the weird elephant. Jim Carrey as Horton and Steve Carell as the Mayor play well of each other with their voice work. These guys should host a talkradio show. There’s enough adult level humor to make this worth watching with the kids. The DVD has tons of bonus features about the CGI work and vocal booth weirdness. You can even create your own animation. They tossed in a digital copy of the film so you can watch it on your iPod.

    IN CASE I FORGET

    Remember to have a great Festivus this year.

    Charo has been saved for the Christmas column! Prepare to be coochie-coochie-cooooed!

  • Party Favors: The Bunny Hop

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    CARSON CITY – Sunday morning is quiet time at the Bunny Ranch. The crisp mountain air rejuvenates the lungs after a night of breathing in a whirlwind of carnality. The parlor is tidy so there’s no remnants of Saturday night’s parties. The space is so calm that you can imagine cloistered monks nearby. The silence is broken by the occasional buzz at the front gate.

    Who goes to a brothel on Sunday morning? Perhaps it’s someone who went to church on Saturday night and needs to occupy his time until the NFL pre-game shows hit the air? Why should wide receivers have exclusive rights to groin pulls on the Sabbath?

    The other sound we hear while roaming the peaceful hallways is the distinctive laugh of Bunny Love as she watches The Colbert Report in her room. Sean Hannity filmed at the Ranch last year. When will Colbert visit to make his What Makes America the Greatest Country in the United States special?

    The big event this morning is waffles. Even in a den of iniquity, there’s the sweet smell of batter hitting the griddle. Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof has made this a traditional brunch staple since he and many of the girls have fond memories of Sunday waffles. This isn’t merely a Cathouse, it’s a Cathome.

    The Party Favors conversation with Hof continues with a discussion of who came up with the HBO Cathouse series. Turns out Showtime screwed up. The show has really been a phenomenal recruiting tool for both clients and future Bunnies. The stock market was going to hell during our visit. Hof discusses what he has done to make sure that Wall Street’s woes won’t translate to a drop in business. Like the government, he wants to keep stimulating America.

    Having spent too many nights in strip clubs, my line of questioning turned to how the atmosphere at the Bunny Ranch is much more relaxed. The women aren’t teasing to drag you into the champagne room. There’s no massive ex-football lineman eager to break your fingers for touching the talent. You get to relax and know the women. There is a pole in the parlor in case you need to see a twirl or two. And unlike a strip club, there is sex in the champagne room. Dennis also elaborates on how the internet is more important than ever for the women to secure dates.

    Hof explains what happens to a Bunny that falls in love with a guy who isn’t earning with his hands what she was collecting on her back? Women are able to admit to their parents that they work at the Bunny Ranch thanks to the success of HBO’s Cathouse. It’s not like they have to admit that Brent Owens wrote a poem in their honor. Finally I ask the big question: When did Dennis become a stud?

    The third and final part of this monumental interview will be part of our Thanksgiving spectacular. Learn about all the big changes at America’s Cathouse. We’ll also spend time with Brooke Taylor. She’s juggling a music career with her day job. There shall be kind words about our personal guide, Danielle Luciano. Plus a very special visit from Charo!

    THE PRICE OF FAME

    My phone won’t stop ringing with urgent calls from producers for Dr. Phil, Tyra and Jerry Springer. Once word of the Party Favors visit to the Bunny Ranch hit the web, they want to book me as a guest. Who wouldn’t want a very special episode entitled: “Husband took pregnant wife to brothel for their wedding anniversary!”

    I can’t deny that it happened.

    The traditionalist in me demands a visit to Chi-town so I can defend myself to a crowd chanting “Jerr-E! Jerr-E!” Dr. Phil would be hard since the entire time I’d be fighting from impersonating the old side o’meat. “I didn’t do anything to my wife that she wouldn’t have done without the assistance of the ether.” Tyra is just too damn tempting. Her producer has hinted that Tyra will spend most of the interview rubbing my bald head. If my wife is also palming my dome with Tyra, I will count that as a menage de trois. I’m easy.

    BELAUGH BECRY BEGONE

    Now that it’s out of previews, reports confirm that Criss Angel’s Believe at the Luxor is the biggest bomb to hit Nevada that wasn’t government funded. He might be the only performer that’s openly hated in Sin City. When we got on the shuttle bus at the airport, our driver talked trash about the goth magician. He was happy to quote the bad buzz. The guy at “Half-Priced tickets” slammed the show based what a pal told him. When I asked waitresses about the show, they warned me not to waste my time or money on a “TV magician.”

    In all my time in Vegas, I’ve never heard anyone in the tourism industry completely trash a new show. They’ll cushion the negatives by discussing how hard it is to open a show and getting the kinks out during the previews. There’s always optimism in their voice. They know that a good show brings people to the city. Vegas needs tourist dollars. But they couldn’t resist mocking Angel and his besmirching the reputation of Cirque du Soleil. Rumor was that this might be the first Cirque du Soleil show to completely fail on the Vegas strip. The stories were so bad that I had to see it. How could I resist a trainwreck that supposedly ended with Angel screeching out the theme to Mindfreak? I wasn’t going to pay full price. Normally I’d beg for a press pass, but I didn’t want to feel obligated to review the show if the badness chased me out of the theater.

    Turns out the Half Price ticket place had no discount offer for Believe. I roamed down to the Luxor to see if the box office had a bargain deal. They wanted $65 for the nose-bleeds. I wandered about the hotel looking at Angel’s designer motorcycle and car collection. What’s the point of owning a motorcycle if you’re putting it beneath glass? On the way out, they had “contest” to win Angel’s old car. The top of the ticket promised 2 for 1 tickets. While enjoying a drink, a Luxor waitress said you could get tickets for $20 a pop. I thought I was set with the coupon. For $20, I’d bring the old lady to see the Magical Cheese. However the woman at the box office told me that the coupon didn’t work for them. I had to take it “there.” She pointed at the counter for a time-share joint. The time-share folks informed me that I could get Criss Angel tickets for $20 each if I brought my wife on a tour of their new place. There was no way I was going to pay $40 plus 3 hours of my life to sit through 95 minutes of dancing rabbits. The box office remained staunch that the best deal they could give me was $130 for 2 tickets. For half that price I took my wife to Bouchon for brunch.

    I can neither personally confirm nor deny the Criss Angel trainwreck. Why pay fat dollars for a skinny premise? Nobody said there was an number that had to be seen to be believed in the act. Supposedly the biggest magic trick of the production was making the Luxor decide he’s worth $85 for a 10 year contract. If Believe vanishes from the Luxor Pyramid, it might be Angel’s only illusion that gets a standing ovation.

    ZILCH

    How could they have stopped making Zima? What about the children? I can’t believe something so bad lasted so long. Zima always tasted like a dead gin and tonic. Back to Fresca and Canadian Club for me.

    CHECK ONE AIR

    Does anyone really want to book passage on an airlines run by rock band roadies? The Sprint ad makes it look good. But what’s the reality? You want to know the penalty for checking a 51 pound bag? How about all the overhead bins filled with empty bottles of Jack Daniels? Where do they touch when you set off the metal detector? Bring kneepads if you want an aisle seat on Air Roadie.

    BLU-RAY LOVE

    Planet of the Apes Blu-Ray restores the glory to the original film that unleashed monkey-world domination-mania. They have cleaned and restored the print to make it look mint. This is an evolution from the original DVD release. If you ever want to understand the advantage of a 1080p transfer, look at the clouds and desert landscape at the start of the film when Charlton Heston and his crew search for civilization on this new planet. The detail in the vistas shine like you are part of the team. The best part about the first Apes film is that the simian masks are still fresh so the seams don’t shine. If you have a Blu-ray player, you’ll notice the difference. They’re offering each film separately or in the Planet of the Apes: 40th Anniversary Collection. Monkey maniacs will be thrilled with the extra violent scenes snipped form Conquest of the Planet of the Apes have been restored. This was the film where the apes revolted from their human masters. It reflected the violence that was erupted in the urban areas of America at that time. This scary film now packs a visual punch that matches the ape emotions.

    Kung Fu Panda Blu-ray makes this CGI martial arts flick shimmer with the action. Like other CGI flicks, the 1080p is the only way to purchase it for your collection. You get all the detail from the programmer on the HD screen. There’s a gorgeous level of color to this Asian based comedy about a Panda who wants to prove he can kickass like slimmer animals. The idea of a chubby guy throwing around karate skills isn’t that unusual. Sammo Hung. This is also the first Jack Black film in a long while that didn’t annoy me. This is the best film ever about Panda’s beating down slimy creatures.

    Secrets of the Furious Five is a bonus DVD that comes bundled with the DVD of Kung Fu Panda. The Kung Fu Critters return in this 25 minute animated short that seems to be the pilot for a TV series. The Panda must teach a class to a bunch of newbies. He spends most of the time recounting the adventures of his buttkicking team. Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman provide their voices to the project.

    Tropic Thunder Unrated Director’s Cut Blu-ray is a film that shines for the talent of two stars: Tom Cruise and Danny McBride. If it wasn’t for their unexpected comic performances, this film would have been a complete mess. Cruise is the studio head who realizes that Ben Stiller’s latest film would be more profitable if he’s killed by an Asian drug lord. He’s done up to be Tony Kornheiser’s sexy brother. His dancing scenes rank up there with his moves in Risky Business. McBride is the explosive’s expert who blows away Stiller and Jack Black. Only Robert Downey Jr’s extreme actor can keep up with McBride. He gets even more moments to shine with this unrated cut. Stiller is the extremely weak link in his own film. He doesn’t even play a character during the notorious “Full Retard” scene. It’s like he thinks Downey is merely running lines. The best reason to grab this in 1080p Blu-ray is a chance to experience McBride’s cast interview in HighDef. You’ll swear he’s sitting in your living room. You might offer him a beer.

    DVD SHELF

    Futurama: Bender’s Game is the third of the movies revived the series. This is a Dungeons and Dragons geek out complete with an extremely magical polyhedral dice set. The fate of the universe rattles in Bender’s metal hand. Plenty of laughs for fans of Lord of the Rings. Things get really topical with a plot about out of control fuel prices. Can Bender save the universe via his love of mythical creatures? There’s a fantastic spoof of demolition derbies with iconic spaceships getting battered around the arena.

    Mind of Mencia Season 4 Uncensored unleashes the 10 latest episodes minus those pesky “booooop” noises. Carlos Mencia goes to town on Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt. He’s points out that we’ll know things are bad in America when Mexicans decide its not worth the effort to sneak over the border. His spoof of Indiana Jones as a guy stealing 40 ounces of Holy Grail malt liquor glistens. Only Carlos dares to create a kiddie show aimed at the Darfur market. Creation of the Asian version of Jesus will upset your great aunt. Carlos keeps up the troublemaking. The 2 DVD set contains deleted sketches and clips of him talking to the audience during the commercial breaks. He gets really blue with his brother when the cameras aren’t supposed to be rolling.

    Scrubs The Complete Seventh Season is a true necessity for fans of the show. Between the writer’s strike and NBC being ticked off at losing the series to ABC, these 11 episodes of Scrubs were run without any sense of time or order. NBC ran the second to last episode as the finale since it looked like the series had wrapped up. It’s practically a lost season. The big change for J.D. (Zach Braff) is the birth of his baby. Is he ready to be a daddy? Will Elizabeth Banks marry him? Is he going to hook up with Sarah Chalke? Will the Janitor kill him and sell the baby on ebay? How hell does the Todd always look excited while unleashing the crotch jokes? Is Robert Maschio worshipped in frat house shower rooms? To get a sense of the bonus features, here’s some bloopers.

    The Boys in the Band was the first studio film to deal with openly gay characters. The action takes place at a birthday party where the claws get sharper as the bar gets drained. Imagine a roomful of Paul Lyndes that aren’t trying to act butch to impress Peter Marshall. That’s the acid wit that gets flung around. Part of the issues facing these men is the fear of being forced out of the closet into the straight world at the end of the ’60s. There’s a commentary track from director William Friedkin. A 45 minute long documentary about The Boys in the Band‘s making helps set the historical context and cultural impact.

    Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson proves there was a time when a writer from Rolling Stone magazine mattered. Alex Gibney’s documentary follows his rise in the new journalism movement of the ’60s culminating in three great non-fiction books: Hells Angels, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Johnny Depp reads Hunter’s words as we follow his wild ride of a life. The drugs, the women, the guns and the politicians get their due. The film focuses on what made the good doctor a legend to college journalists. He dared to make himself an equal partner with the subjects in his dispatches from the road.

    Star Trek: The Original Series Remastered Edition Season Three wraps up the High Definition rebuff. Purists will complain about the old models behind replaced by CGI spaceships. Those who want to enjoy the show will no longer have to squint their eyes to avoid seeing the stray piece of fishing line. Spock and Kirk have never looked richer in color. The third season opened with “Spock’s Brain.” An alien steals Spock’s brain and Kirk has to retrieve it. You know what steals my brain? A fifth of Jack Daniels and a bag of pork rinds. “And a Child Shall Lead Them” has an early performance from Pamelyn Ferdin. She worships an evil angel played by uber-lawyer Melvin Belli. After this performance, Belli would help the Rolling Stones set up the deal to play Altamont. This adds a dimension to Gimme Shelter. The final episode, “Turnabout Intruder” has Kirk’s body hijacked by an ex-lover. The real prize of this set is an extended version of “The Cage.” This was the original pilot with Captain Pike running the Enterprise. The late Gene Roddenberry intros the episode.

    Comedy Central Salutes George W. Bush reminds us all that this president was an inspiration to humor no matter how grim he made reality. The channel used him as the main character for That’s My Bush and Lil’ Bush. Did Clinton have that much series action? Ford? Nixon? Carter? Bush’s daddy? They have episodes from each series. There’s also the South Park where the boys have to deal with W. while investigating rumors of 9/11. There’s also an animated segment from Last Laugh ’07. Lewis Black, D.L. Hughley and Dave Attell shrink themselves down to go inside W’s ass. Can they survive this Fantastic Journey? They find W’s brain in the wrong place. Last Laugh ’06 has Lewis Black giving W. the business for his facial expressions never match the tone of the words he’s saying. Not to leave Dick Cheney out of this “farewell” DVD is The Root of All Evil that has the Vice President battle Paris Hilton in Lewis Black’s courtroom. I predict that next year you’ll see W. as the guest of honor for Comedy Central’s Roast. There’s even a nice poster to hang up on your wall as you mark down W.’s final days in the White House.

    The Odd Couple The Final Season wraps up one of the most underrated brilliant sit-coms. What a relief it is that all five seasons made it onto DVD so swiftly. The premise is simple enough, two divorced guys share an apartment. Oscar (Jack Klugman) is a sportswriting slob. Felix (Tony Randall) is an anal photographer. They are constantly giving each other the business. The final season has the most jawdropping of shows – Felix’s teenage daughter runs away to be a groupie for Paul Williams. She wants to nail “The Rainbow Connection.” Howard Cosell mouths off in “Your Mother Wears Combat Boots.” Felix attempts to sooth Howard into letting Oscar become a guest announcer on Monday Night Football with an opera angle. Is this how Tony Kornheiser got in the booth? Neil Simon makes a cameo, but I won’t say in what episode to keep you surprised. Leif Garret makes a couple appearances as Felix’s son this season. I hope Leif isn’t still pissed at mentioning our meeting at Hooters. The final episode wraps up the series in a way that we expected from Cheers, Seinfeld and MASH. Rediscover the joy of Felix and Oscar with this final fling.

    Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C.: The Final Season gives everyone’s favorite marine an honorable discharge right as Vietnam got interesting. Did you know that Jim Nabors was close to 40 when he called an end to the series? These new sharp transfers reveal how they dyed his hair black so he didn’t look twice as old as the other marines. The season starts off with a bang when Sgt. Carter (Frank Sutton) sells his car to Gomer. But it’s not a simple deal since Sgt. Hacker (Allan Melvin) was originally supposed to buy it. He pranks Carter into thinking his car gets more mpg than a hybrid. Duke (Ronnie Schell) returns with a promotion to be corporal to Carter’s unit. He doesn’t quite bring calm to the barracks like Cpl. Boyle (Roy Stuart). “Flower Power” has Rob Reiner as a hippie. He turns an expensive military vehicle into a VW microbus. It’s sad to see the end of Gomer’s tenure at Camp Henderson, but they must have retirement age for privates.

    Hawaii Five-0: The Fifth Season contains the best episodes of the entire series with three part “‘V’ for Vashon.” McGarrett (Jack Lord) and his crew have to tangle with three generations of a crime family that have ruled the islands’ underworld. This is prime cop work as the force tangles with Harold Gould’s dad and son. “The Jinn Who Clears the Way” has Wo Fat destroy a noble family using a son’s betrayal to secure defense equipment. McGarrett swears this is his moment to finally cut away the fat. The big change this season is the loss of Kono (Zulu). He is mysteriously dropped from the force. Det. Ben Kokua (Al Harrington) fills in without a missing a beat. He seems like a younger version of Det. Chin Ho Kelly. He does McGarrett’s bidding without hesitation. The strange thing about the series is Jack Lord looks tough in his blue suit, but his “native clothes” makes him look like Bea Arthur’s older sister.

    Streets of San Francisco: Season 2, Volume 2 is cop action for people who don’t want to cross the Pacific. Karl Malden (Mr. American Express) and Michael Douglas (Basic Instinct) are the buddy cops keeping the Tenderloin safe. The series was shot on location so it’s not merely Los Angeles backlots and Frisco b-roll. If you have fond memories of the land of Rice-A-Roni, you’ll enjoy the views around the crime scenes. “The Runaways” has Larry Wilcox raising his orphaned siblings in a squat. Wonder if his time with Malden made him aspire to be a TV cop on CHiPs? “Blockade” terrorizes women with Charles Martin Smith as suspect in a rape/murder. Who knew that Toad could have murdered Candy Clark in American Graffiti? Cheryl Ladd appears in this episode along with Film Noir icon Ida Lupino. Another great 12 cases that remind us while Michael Douglas’ hair rivaled Jack Lord’s coif.

    The Ultimate Ride Shaun White bring the gusto of the Flying Tomato to the small screen. This is an exotic adventure as White heads into the Japanese wilderness to find untamed mountains to snowboard. Not since Godzilla has a monster devoured the countryside of this ancient country. After watching this, you’ll be ready to claim your own neighborhood slopes once it snows.

    Inside Access: Mike Tyson returns us to a time when he brought glory back to the heavyweight title. The discs include many of his early fights since most didn’t even last the first round. Iron Mike was a fierce force. Then he met Don King and the rest is in the court records. But this DVD set doesn’t focus on the trainwreck with the face tattoo. This set is for those who want to study the most destructive puncher in the sweet science.

    Hannah Montana: The Complete First Season is perfect to keep 7 year old girls occupied. The 26 episodes will keep the kids trapped in the family room. Being a loyal watcher of The Soup, I had to see the Miley Cyrus showcase. By day she’s a normal school girl. At night she’s international superstar singer. And like Batman, only a few people know of her dual identity. How can none of her classmates not suspect she’s Hanna Montana? None of them notice that their friend has the same smile and nose. Is she really going to school with kids who have had botched Lasik surgery?

    High School Musical DVD Game and Hannah Montana DVD Game are two great ways keep kids busy this holiday season. All they need to do is work the DVD remote control and barely carry a tune. High School Musical allows them to singalong with Zac Efron (the new Frankie Avalon) and Vanessa Hudgens (the new Gina Gershon). Do they think they have that Wildcat spirit? The game does not explain Ashley Tisdale. Hannah Montana has a major trivia game. Plus there’s a choreography class so they can perform eight different routines. For parents, this means hours of “look at me dance” hilarity. There’s plenty of songs for singing along. A bonus game has you audition for the drummer position. Shame you can’t audition for atmosphere coordinator. This is a really sweet way to get the kiddies to stay in the family room and away from the grown ups table on Thanksgiving.

    Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) Volume Four & Volume Five is essential viewing for two original episodes from Japan. The nearly hour long episodes of Takeshi’s Castle from the mid-’80s are even more freaky than the Spike TV 30 minute adaptations. Kenny Blankenship is even more clueless in his native tongue. Guy LeDouche has always been a douchebag. The things he tries to do to female contestants would have him up on charges in America. Also you’ll discover that there are no teams in the original version. It’s survival of the fittest. The second bonus episode has them head up to the mountains for a wintery challenge. There’s also 26 episodes of MXC from Spike. How can you resist watching Japanese people getting slammed in the dome on Sinkers and Floaters? Earthquake Grandpa has become my new favorite game thanks to this DVD.

    Wu: The Story of the Wu-Tang Clan briskly sums up the history of the major rap conglomerate. They were 9 rappers from Staten Island aching for a break in the early ’90s. They were brought together and accepted the Kung Fu theater influences of the GZA. This group identity made them a force in both size and merchandizing. Ol’ Dirty Bastard became a trainwreck with his demons overtaking his skills. Director Gerald K Barclay hung with them and shot their first video. His footage gets us inside the action of the time instead of forcing us to just listen to talking heads reminisce. This is the perfect documentary if you’ve wondered about the Wu Tang references on The Dave Chappelle Show.

    Paramount has launched the Centennial Collection in which the pride of their vault will be issued in two DVD sets. They’ve created new transfers for this series that appear richer and sharper than the early editions. Sunset Boulevard: Centennial Collection is the complete must have for people who buy 1001 Films to Watch Before Your Arteries Burst From Popcorn Butter. William Holden is a down on his luck screenwriter who hides from his creditors in the mansion of a silent movie star (Gloria Swanson). Buster Keaton has a cameo. Things go completely weird when she turns him into her housepet. The second disc of bonus features cover Holden, Swanson, the film and director Billy Wilder. Sabrina: Centennial Collection reunites Holden with Wilder, but this time the love interest is the much more youthful Audrey Hepburn. His rival for her affection is Humphrey Bogart. How can a woman pick between Bogart and Holden? My favorite special feature on this is a documentary about Paramount’s output in the ’50s. Roman Holiday: Centennial Collection now allows Hepburn to tease Gregory Peck. She was a tantalizing treat during this time. The best bonus feature on here deals with blacklisted writer Dalton Trumbo. These are great gifts for young cinephiles.

    7th Heaven: The Seventh Season brings more clean cut family drama to the small screen. The big crisis revolves around the Reverend dad (Stephen Collins) having a double bypass. His recovery makes him want to retire from the ministry. Will this end the series? Don’t panic too hard since there’s still four more seasons to go. Seventh Heaven only went off the air last year.

    Noelle is a unique Christmas film. During the holiday season, a Catholic priest arrives at Cape Cod church in an attempt to see if the parish needs to be shut down. He finds his old seminary classmate in charge of the place. The numbers of people in the pews has been dwindling. But those that remain are devoted. Director/star David Wall’s tale takes a twist on the normal religious holiday film. Can his priest quit being a beancounter and see the true work being done in the name of the baby Jesus?

  • Party Favors: The Ranch Hand

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    CARSON CITY – Dennis Hof will never regret spending too much time at work. He’s the last boss in America who can allow the women who work in his business to sit on his lap and call him daddy without the fear of H.R. deporting him to a reeducation workshop. He’s got the greatest job in the world as the owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.

    Currently he’s a busy man promoting the new season of Cathouse on HBO (October 23) and the DVD of Cathouse: The Series & The Musical (Oct. 28). I figured we’d just do another phone interview. But Hof invited me to his office. After all the tease, it was time to experience what’s often called the Adult DisneyWorld. After spending 24 hours inside America’s Cathouse, I can assure you that the Bunny Ranch is better than DisneyWorld. At no point is your fun interrupted by a parent dragging a crying child out of a gift shop.

    For fans of the show, here’s three things that are different between the reality TV show and the actual reality: 1). It has an amazing view of the surrounding mountains. When you bounce on the trampoline, you’ll see a wonderful vista. 2.) The lights are dimmer inside the parlor. 3.) They don’t play the soundtrack from the TV show over the PA. They play Music Choice channels on the flat screen TVs. You’ll be able to collect some of the goofiest trivia about bands. But you’re not there to study for Rock N Roll Jeopardy. And neither was I. It’s time to begin The Wisdom of Hof:

    In this segment Dennis talks about the hookers of Elizabeth, New Jersey and Elliot Spitzer.

    Fans of Cathouse have grown accustomed to Isabella Soprano as the kinky girl next door. She has this amazing charm. Yet if you called up the Bunny Ranch after an episode and asked about partying with her, you’d discover she wasn’t currently working at that house. In previous interviews we’ve always asked Dennis about the status of Isabella Soprano. He would say that she had retired and was at an organic farm in Massachusetts. For the first time ever, Hof tells us the complete story of what happened to Isabella Soprano, America’s Sweetho.

    In the words of Paul Harvey: Now you know the rest of the story. Perhaps Sheila Nivens at HBO will let me do a “In Search of Isabella” special for HBO Undercover.

    The next column will have more of our the interview with Hof. We also spend time in bed with Cathouse star Brooke Taylor. You’ll want to see how she’s juggling a musical career, being the Hustler centerfold, getting featured in Marie Claire and still keeping her dayjob.

    There will be more details of my Bunny Ranch visit in part two of this interview. Find out the truth about waffles and working girls. Also tips on how to lure your wife to a brothel for your wedding anniversary. It’s better than flowers. Currently I can’t disclose these facts since Ron Howard wants to adapt this interview into his follow up of Frost/Nixon. Opie wants Nicolas Cage to play me and Gene Hackman to be Hof. Of course most of this negotiation hinges on if Cage agrees to play me in my family’s Christmas movie this holiday season. The offer is still open since I haven’t spent that $20 bill that’s intended for Cage. To sweeten the pot, my wife will knit Cage his own Godzilla doll.

    Stay tuned for more Hof!

    UPGRADE

    The premiere episode of Chocolate News with David Alan Grier is funnier than all the episodes of David Spade’s Showbiz Show.

    DISCOUNT TICKETS

    When you’re in Las Vegas, be careful buying show tickets from scalpers. Turns out there’s plenty of bootleg performers eager to sucker you into strange showrooms. We innocently bought tickets for Danny Gans at the Mirage. His final performance in the Danny Gans theater is Nov. 22. How could we live without seeing “The #1 Entertainer on the Strip?” Imagine our dismay to discover we had blown $3,000 to see Danny Glands at the Mirage.

    Who is Danny Glands? The performer once rolled with Slim Goodbody. He developed his act to become a celebrity endocrine system impersonator. You haven’t really felt Vegas until you see Danny transform into Dean Martin’s Thyroid. You’ll swear you are looking into Dino. He does a complete Rat Pack reunion with Sinatra’s Parathyroid and Sammy Davis Jr’s Posterior pituitary lobe. Even better is Ernest Borgnine’s Hypothalamus. I almost called him McHale after the show. He’s that good.

    Glands’ favorite routine involves how dead stars would mow their lawns. You haven’t experienced comedy until you get an eyeful George Burns’s Anterior pituitary lobe riding a John Deere. I almost felt it was worth the price until I leaned back and stressed the scar from the kidney I sold to buy the tickets.

    HAIR TV

    Michael Imperioli’s fu manchu dominates Life On Mars. You don’t even think of him as the guy from The Sopranos. He’s become the man rockin’ the stache. From a reliable source, it’s been revealed that the facial hair is actually Grant Show’s porn-stache from Swingtown. Who knew that follicles can be so versatile? This is an industry that pigeonholes its mustaches. Bea Arthur’s mustache went decades without a steady gig until it hooked up with Spencer on The Hills. So a big up to Michael Imperioli’s fu manchu making him the Conrad Dobler of cops.

    BOND SALE

    Back when I programmed at a major film archive, there was pure bliss in running our complete collection of James Bond films on the big screen. All of the early titles were Technicolor 35mm gems. Shirley Eaton dazzled in gold paint in Goldfinger. When my time there finished, I felt the loss of having to settle for pan and scan VHS tapes for my 007 action. How can you settle for NTSC when you’ve tasted Technicolor?

    I bought the first batch of Bond DVDs. The image quality was a step up from VHS and they maintained their original aspect ratios. But the transfer prints had rough in spots. Then came The Ultimate Editions with their completely spiffed up images thanks to Lowry Digital Images. But I was still having to settle for 480p action. I wanted to be able to reach towards the screen and touch the face of Pussy Galore. Where was the Blu-ray love for Bond?

    With the impending release of Quantum of Solace, 6 of the top Bond titles are now on Blu-ray ready for you to upgrade. They’re available separately or in two boxsets. Volume 1 has From Russia With Love, Thunderball and For Your Eyes Only. The second volume consists of Dr. No, Live and Let Die and Die Another Day. They’ve imported all the bonus features from the Ultimate Editions. Many of the documentaries have also been boosted to 1080p. If you appreciate the extra detail of Hi-Def, you’ll break the piggy bank or sell your cat.

    Dr. No got the series off on a great foot. Sean Connery perfect as Bond. They cast Jack Lord (Hawaii Five-O) as CIA agent Felix Leiter. The crowning glory of this flick is Ursula Andress coming out of the water in her swimsuit. The calypso soundtrack hops in the Lossless Sound. From Russia With Love is the best of the Bonds. 007 merely thinks his job is to go to Istanbul to retrieve Soviet embassy worker and her code typewriter. But his mission turns out to have the fate of the world at stake. The action is hardcore especially a fight on the Orient Express between Connery and Robert Shaw (Jaws). Daniela Bianchi is perfection as the embassy gal who thinks she’s helping her glorious country capture the English agent. Thunderball was the first Bond film to take advantage of Cinemascope. The action gets wider. Bond has to recover nuclear bombs stolen by SPECTRE. The big finale includes a huge underwater battle. John Barry’s orchestration has a marvelous sweep and swell from the speakers.

    Live and Let Die is memorable for when Felix Leiter (David Hedison) utters “Pimpmobile.” This has James Bond (in the form of Roger Moore) going to Harlem to face off with Yaphet Kotto. He’s running the American heroin trade through his Fillet of Soul restaurants. His main form of protection is Jane Seymour working her Tarot cards. But she can’t stop Bond’s ability to shuffle her deck. For Your Eyes Only was the attempt to make Roger Moore more serious and less gadgety. He’s got to recover an encryption machine. His only help is Topol (the actor not the toothpaste). The only bad move in this film is Bill Conti’s cheesy score that screams ’80s action movie with every synth beat.

    Die Another Day was the finale for Pierce Brosnan as Bond. After the disappointments of The World Is Not Enough and Tomorrow Never Dies, this Bond is slightly better. The hovercraft fight is worth seeing with the extra definition. Halle Berry makes a good partner for Bond. She even gets a sweet swimsuit moment. But the faux-Richard Branson villain doesn’t put it completely over the top.

    The Blu-ray experience is perfect for the espionage action. You’re able to see the details. The color on the first three reflect the lush Technicolor hues. This is almost like being back in the screening room running the 35mm prints of Bond. If you’re on the fence about upgrading your Bonds, each title includes a coupon good for a free ticket to Quantum of Solace.
    ?DVD SHELF

    A Threevening with Kevin Smith is nearly five hours of Kevin Smith talking on stage in Jersey. Bruce Springsteen is an awe of that showtime. He opens up with riff on Cookiepuss. He talks the audience through a tour of his hometown on his 37th birthday. It’s touching when he introduces her mom after talking about his parents’ sex life. He tells plenty of stories about working on Live Free or Die Hard and making Clerks II. Learn the truth about Bruce Willis and Kevin’s “rewrite.” The big bonus feature is a question and answer session with the audience. He won’t be making a sequel to Dogma. A Threevening with Kevin Smith is the perfect Christmas gift for grandma.

    The Wild Wild West: The Complete TV Series brings together all four seasons along with the two reunion movies. This show mixed cowboy action with secret agent cool. Instead of merely dealing with outlaws and rustlers, Jim West (Robert Conrad) and Artemis Gordon (Ross Martin) had to expose and defeat diabolical madmen. Their biggest villain was the diminutive Dr. Lovelace (Michael Dunn) Unfortunately Dunn died before the reunion movies so for Wild Wild West Revisited Paul Williams (Smokey and the Bandit) plays his son. For once Williams is too tall for a part. Shields and Yarnell mime out killer robot action. More Wild Wild West has Jonathan Winters wrapped up in the case. The split personality comic wants to conquer the world. He has plenty of death scenes in the opening minutes. The films are extremely low budget when compare to Will Smith’s feature film version, but they’re infinitely more entertaining. Conrad and Martin still had a great repartee no matter how campy the moment. The Wild Wild West: The Complete TV Series boxes up one of my favorite shows.

    The 4400: The Complete Series brings together the USA network show about 4,400 people who return to earth after being abducted by aliens. They have each been given a strange new gift by their hosts. The government fears that these returning citizens will lead to the end of civilization as we know it. I got hooked on the show. Word has it that the show was canceled because of the writer’s strike made its release schedule impossible. By the time the channel could get back on the air, Conchita Campbell would be old enough to star on Golden Girls: The Next Generation. At least the final episode does feel like a finale versus a cliffhanger.

    Black Magic documents the rise of African-Americans in the sport of basketball. Director Dan Klores (Crazy Love) compiles a fast break of interviews with major players and vintage clips. It’s hard for most viewers to remember a time when basketball was dominated by white guys not named Larry Bird. The film shows how the desegregation on the hard court reflected the changes in America. There’s respect given to the racial integration work of Red Auerbach of the Boston Celtics. Earl “the Pearl” Monroe shows off his legendary skills. The Michael Jordan explosion is perfectly captured. The bonus features include extended interviews, ESPN’s quickie basketball bios and the Apollo Theater premiere. This is perfect for fans to watch instead of those pre-season NBA games.

    The Alice Faye Collection, Volume 2 revives one of the cutest song birds from World War II era cinema. Alice Faye’s characters take part in the early days of Vaudeville, radio, cinema, dance halls and USO tours. The five films in the boxset include Rose of Washington Square, Hollywood Cavalcade, The Great American Broadcast, Hello Frisco, Hello and Four Jills and a Jeep. What excites me about this collection is a chance to basic in the greatness of William Frawley on Rose of Washington Square. St. Frawley dresses dapper for his role. Phil Silvers plays the jeep driver in Four Jills and a Jeep. You’ll get a kick out of the bonus feature documentary that hints that two of the Jills hooked up with each other during the shoot. Finally there’s Cesar Romero working his latin lover action on Faye in The Great American Broadcast. This is the perfect gift for the TCM addict in your life.

    The Little Rascals: The Complete Collection has all 80 episodes produced by Hal Roach that used to always be on TV. There were a batch of later ones that MGM made. Even as an adult, it’s fun to crack open a bottle of Jack Daniels and laugh at Spanky and his gang. These kids were a handful. It goes great with The Three Stooges, Volume 4.

    The L Word: The Complete Fifth Season focuses on Jenny (Mia Kirshner) directing the movie about her lesbian (and bisexual) friends. Everybody gets upset at this invasion of their lives by actors studying them. Pam Grier gets back to her Coffy roots when she breaks out the hardware to take down an evil competitor. While the writers keep Jenny as a hardcore pain, she has her soft moment. The best of these occurs when she and the star of her film (Kate French) get buck wild in a tent. You’ll appreciate being able to watch this moment with the clarity of DVD. Why isn’t Mia Kirshner constantly being worshipped on the covers of People and Us? She has the eyes of a goddess. It’s moments like the tent scene that make Frip thankful that The L Word is on Showtime and not toned down for FX.

    Hank and Mike cracked me up. Thomas Michael and Paolo Mancini are Easter bunnies. They screw up on an egg delivery and find themselves laid off during a round of cutbacks at the Easter Corporation. The two guys have to find real jobs. But what can you do when being an Easter bunny is the main thing on the resume? The duo are perfectly mismatched. This is Bad Santa for the Easter season.

    Death Defying Acts: Houdini’s Secret comes out almost in time for the 82nd anniversary of the escape artist’s death. I’ve got to wonder how this film starring Guy Pearce (Memento) as Houdini vanished from the theater so quick. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a stage psychic that has an affair with Houdini in hopes of getting the edge for a $10,000 reward. The payoff happens if she can guess the final words of Houdini’s dead mother. Will he talk in his sleep? It’s a complicated enough romance to not disappear after the DVD ends.

    Ringside Muhammad Ali has 4 DVDs filled with the Greatest’s greatest fights. Included in the footage is “Rumble in the Jungle,” “Thrilla in Manilla” and “The Fight of the Century.” Ali battles Foreman, Fraizer and Leon Spinks. This reminds you of a time when heavyweight boxing meant something. It’s not merely that Ali had a passion and personality, but so did his opponents. Brian Kenny, Bert Randolph Sugar and guests break down the ring work. The documentary about Ali includes plenty of footage of Howard Cosell joking around with the champ.

    Elmo’s Christmas Countdown proves that Ben Stiller can be everywhere at once. This time he’s been turned into a Muppet. He’s Stiller the Elf. He teams up with Elmo and Abby Cadabby to save Christmas. Seems they have this magic Christmas Counter-Downer. It’s missing a few boxes. Stiller must find those boxes or Christmas is a bust. With today’s economy, they should have had an alternate ending where there is no Christmas so parents have an excuse for not buying that pony. In a really weird twist, Sopranos alumni Steve Schirripa and Tony Sirico appear. Did you know in mobster families, on Christmas morning the kids rush out of their houses and onto the street to see what fell off the back of Santa’s Sleigh? Paulie Walnuts and the Muppets will entertain the entire family. Also coming out is Pinky Dinky Doo: Polka Dot Pox. It’s a little kid animated show starring a little girl, her even younger brother and their guinea pig. Even though the girl has a kid brains, when she thinks hard, her brain gets bigger till she gets the right idea. Wow. It’s like Homer Simpson in reverse. There’s no Sopranos regulars in this series from the Sesame Street folks.

    Shrek The Halls brings last year’s surprisingly good TV holiday special to DVD. Shrek (Mike Myers) realizes there’s no way his princess wife (Cameron Diaz) and kids will blow off the holiday season. Shrek gets a book to help do Christmas right for his family. But Donkey decides to add his flavor to the punch. The jokes come fast and often. Puss in Boots becomes Santa Zorro.

    Girlfriends: The Fifth Season opens up with Tina being pregnant and Todd swearing he isn’t the daddy. She wants to patch things up, but he wants a divorce. Nobody seems too happy on this show even though this is a comedy. Al Sharpton has a cameo in “The Rabbit Died.” There’s 22 episodes on 3 DVDs. There were 8 seasons of the series.

    Sister Sister: The First Season takes us back to the time when the Mowry twins (Tia & Tamera) were the darlings of primetime. They play twin sisters adopted by two different people. They meet by chance and decide they can’t live apart. They plot to have their adoptive parents move into together. It’s like The Parent Trap meets Blind Date. Who are these parental units? Why it’s Jackee Harry from 227 and Tim Reid of WKRP in Cincinnati. Remember how cool he was a Venus Flytrap when he’d lean over Loni Anderson’s desk? Once more Tim would play a supporting role to a pair of twins. Sister, Sister lasted six seasons. This boxset has the dozen freshmen episodes on 2 DVDs.

    JAG: The Seventh Season brings more military justice to the small screen. I mostly remember watching this show to see Catherine Bell in a uniform. Did she wear standard issue? This is the season where Bell and David James Elliott find themselves single again. There’s constant hints that they might want to file more than legal briefs. There’s a huge caseload around the globe as the Navy legal eagles solve cases wherever there’s water and trouble. In case you’re curious, JAG was on the air for 10 seasons.

    Red shows what happens when you mess with a man’s dog. Actually it shows that you shouldn’t mess with the dog owned by a guy who played Hannibal Lecter (Brian Cox). Three teenage creeps hold up Cox. The casualty of their armed robbery is Cox’s dog named Red. He hunts down the kids and finds out their father is Tom Sizemore. Dad won’t make right so Cox has to given them a “spanking.” Cox gives one of those perfect subtle performances even when the violence goes over the top. You feel it when he loses it. Anyone that ever lost a dog will feel Cox’s pain. Supporting roles from Delaney Williams (The Wire‘s Sgt, Landsman), Richard Riehle (Grounded for Life) and Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) make this small film deserve a larger audience.

    Return to Sleepaway Camp reminds us why it’s better to spend summers at home in the air conditioned glory of the family room playing wii sports. Any film that opens with summer campers lighting their farts gets my attention. Although there should be a warning that your butt doesn’t become a human blow torch. Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo) from the original Sleepaway Camp realizes that the gruesome deaths of folks at his new camp kinda remind him of his past. Working nearby is Ricky Backer (Jonathan Tiesten) who survived the first film. Will they find the latest terror by the lake? The camp is run by Vincent Pastore (The Sopranos‘ Big Pussy). He does well playing the clueless leader. In a strange bit of casting weirdness, Isaac Hayes plays “The Chef.” He’s wearing a red shirt, blue jeans and a white apron. Turns out this was his final film gig so in a way, he was able to “retire” the Chef character from South Park instead of having him go out as a brainwashed child predator. How many people have to die at a summer camp before parents pick up their children? Was this camp’s penalty for early withdrawal that stiff?

  • Party Favors: Rope A Dope

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    VENICE BEACH – Bigger Stronger Faster is a daring documentary about steroids in American life. Director Chris Bell gives us a first person journey into these hormones in a bottle that helped create baseball superstars, Olympic gold medalists, Razzie winning actors, pro wrestlers and a governor. The film starts with the attitude that it’ll be part of the witchhunt, but it changes course and dares to ask if steroids are that wrong.

    Here’s my email exchange with the director about the effects of his film .

    Have you heard from Arnold, Sly or Hulk Hogan about the film?

    BELL: I know they know about the film, but they haven’t commented yet. I think Michael Moore set the standard with Fahrenheit 9/11…I think people think if they don’t comment then it’ll go away. I still look up to and respect all of those guys. I think they’re awesome and they’ll always be heroes to me. If you look at it realistically, am I not going to like Guns and Roses or Metallica because they were involved in drugs? Eminem said he wrote every hit F’d up on drugs. We live in a drug culture and steroids are part of that puzzle. Doesn’t mean it’s right, but it is what it is.

    I worked with NBC on their pre-2004 Olympic coverage of Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery. I saw the difference between the way they lived and the other track stars they practiced with. Do you think the money difference between that step using steroids is way too much for an athlete to want to stay clean? And likewise with all the banned substances that can easily sneak into their bodies with a cold pill or poppy seed bagel, is it easier for an athlete to cheat and cover up than worry about keeping themselves clean?

    BELL: The drug testing isn’t all that great. Not as good as what it needs to be to stop drugs in sports. The USOC has over 2000 documented cases of athletes failing drug tests and nobody doing anything about it. It’s not a conspiracy, it’s the truth. For Athletes it’s about glory, for TV execs and team owners it’s about money. I don’t think athletes make a decision to “Cheat” based on money. As an athlete I think it’s more about pride, but my mom always taught me from the bible that “pride cometh before a fall”.

    Do you think pro wrestling was more fun when guys were more doughy?

    BELL: I don’t because I started watching in the 80’s. Jimmy Snuka, Polish Power Ivan Putzki, Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Rocky Johnson (The Rock’s Dad), Magnificent Muraco, Big John Studd, Ken Patera…they were all juiced. More recently WWE has tightened down on drugs and the wrestlers are less ripped, but in my time I’ve never seen them actually doughy…That’s the era of Bruno Sammartino years before my time. I think what hurt wrestling was the MTV, I want it now generation of television. It changed the business into sex and flash over story and character.

    How has you family dealt with being in the film? Will they be giving out the DVD as Christmas presents?

    BELL: My family will certainly be giving out the film as stocking stuffers. They love it. They told me to go out and make the best film possible. When you do that and your film gets two thumbs up and four stars everywhere, it’s hard not to like it no matter how close you are to it. I think my producers and friends helped me make the best movie possible and hard work always pays off.

    Are you going to debate Dick Pound about steroids? Would you consider doing one of those college tours?

    BELL: I’d love to do a college tour, but I have to be realistic. I’ve been touring around for free for a year. I haven’t made a dime off of this movie, so if it’s all taken care of, I’ll debate anyone. I have nothing against Dick Pound. I’d love to speak with him. He’s the one that made the Olympics big bucks in the first place, so he’s in a strange position. The Olympics make a lot of money from sponsors that are hazardous to our health like McDonalds and Budweiser…in some cases it’s a conflict of interest to be sponsored by an alcohol company and say “drugs are bad m’kay”

    How much money is there in the anti-doping business?

    BELL: I can’t give you a number, but I don’t think the guys testing are making any real money. I think guys like Don Catlin who ran the UCLA lab were getting screwed. Maybe that’s why he stepped down. He needed more money to develop tests and he wasn’t getting it. I think the real money is in the TV contracts and stuff. The Studios like NBC just want to know that their sponsors aren’t going to get burned by doped athletes. I don’t think that the anti-doping world is involved in a conspiracy so to speak. I think they are underfunded and the conspiracy would fall on those making millions of dollars promoting the fact that sports are clean. We’ve known Marion was doping for years and years and they couldn’t catch her? She’s not Osama Bin Laden. We know where to find her to test her, but the tests are so bad that you could argue them all day. When a black and white test is developed, they get rejected. If you watch the DVD you’ll see what I mean on our DVD Extras.

    SHINE A LIGHT

    Back in the spring, my cousin Bill phoned up and asked if I wanted to join him on a tour of the Lighthouses of the Outer Banks. I grabbed my trusty camera and hit the road for the beach. This could be considered a visual sequel to Bob and Chris Elliot’s Daddy’s Boy .

    Hope you enjoyed our trip. Bill didn’t know I was grabbing shots of him. He’s really shy which is why he didn’t want to talk on camera. Although if you are one of the Girls of the Adriatic from the Playboy issue or their daughters, please drop us a line. He’ll take to you.

    DVD SHELF

    Halloween: 3-Disc Unrated Collector’s Edition unleashes more gore in Rob Zombie’s reworking of John Carpenter’s original tale of Michael Myers. This time we focus more on the young boy that became the monster. Zombie turns this into a Crown International slasher flick. Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange) takes over for Robert Pleasense in the role of Dr. Loomis. Malcolm looks more like a basketcase than his patient. I was at first ticked off that they dared rework a classic. But Zombie does more than a Xerox gig. He brings his scare sensibility to the action. The big bonus feature is a four hour making of mini-series. By the time you finish watching, it’s like you were Zombie’s personal assistant on the film.

    C.S.I.: The Eighth Season brings more Las Vegas crime to the small screen. How come the crew isn’t spending every week at the new City Center project investigating the numerous construction worker deaths? This new season has “A La Cart” with a go-cart guy taking his mini-speed to the highway. “Go to Hell” has a devil possession. “The Chick Chop Flick Shop” brings a murder to the set of a horror porn. Horror porn? Can’t people pleasure themselves without a machete in the room? There’s 17 episodes in the boxset. The original flavored C.S.I. is still my favorite of the batch.

    Nash Bridges: The First Season proved that Don Johnson could shave for the small screen. After his five seasons on Miami Vice, he lighted up his TV character and cruised to San Francisco. He also unloaded Philip Michael Thomas for Cheech Marin as a partner in his new gig. Cheech doesn’t sing as much and has a more convincing accent. Although if Don wanted to stop the dope trade in the Golden Gate area, he should investigate his partner’s police locker.

    The Sarah Silverman Program Season Two Volume One keeps up the irreverent humor from everyone’s favorite “did she really say that” gal. The best disgusting moment is when she decides to see how hard it is to be black in America by doing the full Al Jolson. Now that Sarah is not sleeping with Jimmy Kimmel, it’s ok to laugh with her. The second disc contains an hour’s worth of bonus features including short videos made on the set.

    Dynasty The Third Season Volume Two finally brings the battle home. Someone in the bus station asked, “What’s the greatest moment on Dynasty?” Wouldn’t you reply, “The episode with Linda Evans and Joan Collins fighting in the lily pool.” Well that is here. It’s pure ’80s wet glam. It’s remarkable that they didn’t drown when their shoulder pads absorbed all that water. Blake breaks up the fight way too early. It should have gone on as long as the battle in They Live. Do they celebrate this TV moment in Denver?

    The Cult of Cartman: Revelations brings together a dozen of the best South Park episodes involving the biggest troublemaker on TV. My favorite of the batch is “Scott Tenorman Must Die.” If only you could make millions off selling pubes, I’d buy the “mineral rights” to Ron Jeremy. Besides the episodes, there’s plenty of segments where Cartman explains how you should worship him. You get a sticker and a membership card to prove you have become a true believer. The boxset looks like a religious text with the gold leaf. You should buy extra copies to leave in Hotel rooms.

    Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Blu-Ray brings more detail to the image than George Lucas and Steven Spielberg brought to the script. Maybe I would have enjoyed this film better if Lucas hadn’t kept rejecting top writers’ scripts as he searched for the perfect 4th film. Nearly two decades and this is what turned Lucas on? Will someone please lock this man inside lead lined refrigerator to save his cinematic legacy? They really don’t seem to want to play with the fact that Indy is an old guy. Why doesn’t he complain about his knees hurting? How come he can sit down after his rump goes through a truck’s window? Harrison Ford deserves a better farewell to this character. Maybe the guys behind the last Rambo flick can show Lucas how you do it. This is a dumb fun film if you don’t think about it. Shia LaBeouf is completely miscast as the Brando misfit with a motorcycle. He’s just too square to be tough. And Cate Blanchett’s Louise Brooks hairdo is more convincing than her villainous ways. And then there’s the aliens. But if you don’t think so hard, you’ll be able to enjoy Indiana Jones’ dopiest adventure yet. The 1080p action gives you a chance to really enjoy the work done by the SFX crew. There’s plenty of bonus features about the creation of the film and the numerous stunts. There better be a fifth installment.

    Sleeping Beauty Two-Disc Platinum Edition Blu-ray brings the elegant fairytale to Hi-Def. They’ve gone to the 2.55:1 transfer instead of the 2.35:1 aspect ratio used on the previous DVD release. They also tweak up the colors to get things even more close to the original Technicolor release. Maleficent looks ten times as seductive and evil in Blu-ray. When she turns into a dragon, you’ll get a serious brain rush. The Mary Blair inspired designs are given their due. The BD-Live Network will allow you to get online bonus features. Plus they throw in a DVD of the film so in case you’re wanting to upgrade in the near future, you don’t have to fret which is best. They picked a great title for their first Blu-ray release since it pushes the technology.

    Boy A is a film that would have been a major indie release a decade ago. Unfortunately we’re in a era where small films don’t have the impact in the art house. If you don’t have a multi-million dollar promotion budget, you’re screwed. Critical praise means nothing when it comes to box office. Boy A is about a kid who joins his friend in killing a young girl. The friend dies in prison. At 24, he is paroled (Andrew Garfield) with a new identity. He’s warned to keep his true identity a secret, but can he remain a new person? Will the evil of his past be revealed as he makes new friends? If you are the person who mouths off about wanting to see small yet significant films, you be get your eyeballs wrapped around Boy A.

    CATHOUSE IS COMING

    As a teaser for the next column, we’ll be having a video interview with Dennis Hof of HBO’s Cathouse. He invited us up to the Bunny Ranch to take in the reality of the brothel life in anticipation of the new season that starts at the end of the month along with the DVD boxset.. We shall have an exclusive about Isabella Soprano. Stay tuned.

  • Party Favors: Hail! Hail! Chuck Berry

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    BAHAMA — Why would any sane person be standing in front of an outdoor stage as Tropical Storm Hanna takes aim on their town? Two words: Chuck Berry. Add a third: Free!

    In order to celebrate another overpriced and unnecessary convention center in America, the city of Raleigh barricaded off the downtown area. A stage was set up in the middle of the street so that the tens of thousands could bask in the revival. Who better to bring the people to the location than the man who launched rock and roll? What American doesn’t know “Roll Over Beethoven,” “Sweet Little Sixteen” and “My Ding-a-Ling?” “Johnny B. Goode” ought to be our National Anthem.

    Unfortunately this planning didn’t involve weather forecasting. The storm was coming up the coast. The idiots in charge of the outdoor festival didn’t have an emergency indoor plan. It’s a shame they didn’t have a building that could house thousands of people like a convention center. A few of us tempted nature’s fury to get a glimpse of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. That night the heavens were looking out for Chuck as his set was positioned between two severe down bursts. His ship’s captain’s hat stayed dry. The nasty weather shrunk the possible crowd down to a few hundred people. This worked out well as I got close to the stage. As a sign of respect, I won’t joke about how I was close enough to Chuck for him to do a certain act.

    The man is approaching 82 years old so he’s not a performer that you say, “I’ll catch you next year.” He’s not going to live forever like Dick Clark or Billy Ray Cyrus. Chuck appeared to be in good health. He wasn’t chair bound like other performers from the Happy Days era. The crowd was thrilled when he broke out a mini-duck walk. Chuck also pulled off wearing the shiny shirt like Neil Diamond.

    This will not be remembered as the greatest Chuck Berry concert. The set lasted over thirty minutes. He even admitted to blowing the lyrics on a song that he’s been singing for over half a century. But all that can be overlooked since it was a chance to bask in the presence of Chuck Berry. Plus I didn’t have to buy a ticket, pay a convenience fee and get shafted with a parking charge. It was a perfect way to pay respect to a man who brought so much to music. If it wasn’t for Chuck Berry, the Rolling Stones would have been influenced by Mitch Miller. Hail, Hail, Chuck Berry.

    A TRIBUTE TO DGG

    For fans of Pineapple Express, I bring you the 5th anniversary re-issue of All the Real George Washingtons featuring Matt Booth as David Gordon Green.

    Enjoy the tribute to Stubb’s BBQ.

    TOTAL REQUEST DOA

    I’m so thrilled the MTV is canceling TRL since it means we no longer have to worry about what the kids are going to make popular. No longer will I be tempted to see screaming girls begging for their future-husbands to be chosen #1 by the callers.

    There was a time when TRL really mattered back in the 20th Century. It prepared us for the Orlando Pop Tart Invasion when any ex-Disney employee who could sing, dance and not get served a beer could be a star. TRL was truly a machine as all the stars were moving a million albums during their debut week. This place launched more rockets than the Kennedy Space Center.

    Ultimately TRL’s legacy will be one of infamy. If it wasn’t for TRL, would we have Carson Daly being a massive tool on NBC? Where would Sean Combs be if he hadn’t graced that studio as Puff Daddy, Pee Diddy, Diddy Boo, Bo Diddley? Carson and Combs should be put on a stamp celebrating “The Decline of Western Civilization.” And what about the crime known as Fred Durst? TRL will never be mistaken for a truly cool and culturally influential show like USA’s Night Flight. TRL‘s legacy will be as dork parade.

    The sad part about TRL’s decline is the end of John Norris’ creepy news updates. Here’s a guy pushing 50 with rugs on his head that are so hideous that William Shatner and Burt Reynolds mock him. Yet somehow he’s allowed to be near the screaming teenies. Where is John Norris going to go? Someone needs to put a GPS on his ankle cause I don’t want to see him lurking in my Piggly Wiggly. Maybe Norris will be playing doubles tennis with Pat O’Brien?

    THE DVD SHELF

    The Godfather Collection: The Coppola Restoration Blu-ray makes me feel good that I didn’t blow $100 on the original DVD boxset back in 2001. The late Raymond J. Regis treated me to screenings of his original Technicolor 35mm prints of Godfather I &II. I know what these films really should look like on a screen. The original DVD transfers didn’t do justice to the darkness painted on the screen by cinematographer Gordon Willis. There was a milky feel to the digital blackness. People nagged me about my “incomplete” collection since there was no Godfather on the shelf. But now there’s a new transfer on 1080p. The picture brings out all the nuances of the film. Now you get the whole story of the Michael Corleone (Al Pacino). He’s a mobster’s son who just wants to live an honest life in a dirty business. The boxset includes Godfather III, but does anyone really care? Remember to pick up some cannoli with this Blu-ray boxset.

    Bigger Stronger Faster is an unflinching documentary about the world of steroids from Chris Bell, the host and director. He explores the issue of muscle juicing through his brothers who have been involved in football, pro-wrestling and weightlifting. It plays at first as a cautionary tale, but delves into the hysteria about the dangers of using roids. Are they really as evil as the anti-doping officials claim? Bell exposes the crusading father of a high school baseball player that committed suicide. The father told Congress that his baseball playing son offed himself after going cold turkey on roids. The father refused to believe the numerous depression fighting pills taken by the son could have anything to do with the tragic end. Perhaps what’s upsetting is realizing all the really famous people who took steroids before the ban have gone on to fabulous careers including a certain Terminator that became governor. Why did Carl Lewis fail a drug test in 1988, but was still allowed to compete and win gold in the Olympics. Bigger Stronger Faster dares to question if roids are on par with Tiger Woods getting Lasik surgery so his eyes can see better than 20/20.

    This American Life: Season One brings video to Ira Glass’s radio show. The Showtime series however doesn’t have pledge breaks. The first six episodes of This American Life set it apart from the usual news magazine series. They allow their subjects to talk and emotionally explore themselves. This isn’t a slam-bam style. “Reality Check” deals with a guy who cloned his prize winning bull. He quickly discovers that there is a difference in genetically identical cattle.

    The Brotherhood: The Second Season ups dynamics of the Rhode Island family that’s torn between a life of crime and a career in politics. Is there really that much of a difference? Crook aren’t allowed to ignore subpoenas. Brotherhood has a gritty feel to the action. It’s not a cute mobster series. These are the characters I have encountered in the Providence Dunkin Donuts at 11 a.m. Brotherhood, Dexter and The Tudors have put Showtime ahead of HBO in the original drama department.

    Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil Uncensored dares to weigh the wickedness of two cultural icons. Lewis Black brings his flabbergasted humor to the courtroom. Two comics try to prove that their subject is the worst thing since the XFL. The subjects debated this season include “Weed vs. Beer,” “YouTube vs. Porn,” “Donald Trump vs. Viagra,” “Kim Jong-Il vs. Tila Tequila” and “Paris Hilton vs. Dick Cheney.” Those are battles worthy of UFC pay-per-views. Greg Giraldo and Patton Oswalt always bring top wit in the legal format. This version is uncensored although that doesn’t mean Kathleen Madigan drops her top for a shot at European tort action. You’ll get to hear Lewis go potty mouth on subjects worthy of being flushed.

    CSI: NY – The Fourth Season has the 333 Stalker on the loose. If it hadn’t been for the writer’s strike, he could have been the 666 Stalker. They also remixed The Who’s “Baba O’Riley” on the opening credits. “Can You Here Me Now” features a murder at the Statue of Liberty. It doesn’t involve the annoying cellphone guy. “Time’s Up” gives them 24 hours to stop a murder. “Happily Never After” opens with a Wizard of Oz crime clue. I suspect the Tinman. Death is all over Manhattan. Luckily Gary Sinise and Melina Kanakaredes are ready to bust all the killers. There’s 21 episodes on 6 DVDs.

    Growing Up Wilderness contains four more episodes about how cute animals grow up into ferocious beasts. This disc shows the maturity spurts of a wolf, black bear, sitka deer and a moose. Not to spoil the last episode, but it doesn’t feature Sarah Palin killing and dressing the star. This is a good to watch with the young kids so they can know that cute animals will eat you if you pester them. The Animal Planet production is entertaining and educational.

    Friday the 13th, The Series: The 1st Season takes me back to hanging out in Tom Olsen’s dorm room on the weekends while we waited to be fashionably late for Party Central action. This is not the continuing adventures of Jason Voorhees. He isn’t popping up in his hockey mask and chopping off guest star heads with his machete. Instead we’re given two cousin who inherit an antique store. They quickly realize that the old stuff sold was cursed by Satan. They have to recover the objects before things get more evil. Robey is the gal with red hair that was the precursor to Gillian Anderson on The X-Files. It’s lite ’80s horror fun.

    Numb3rs: The Fourth Season gets to the point. For years I wondered what was the point on inflicting high level calculus classes on my feeble brain. What good are those proofs and theorems? Thanks to this series, I know that you can track down serial killers with trigonometry. Numb3rs is well cast with a family of brainiacs: Rob Morrow (Northern Exposure), Judd Hirsch (Taxi) and David Krumholtz (who isn’t Doogie Howser’s buddy). The kick off of the season is intense as they have to figure out if a close pal is really a double agent for the Chinese. The shocker is seeing Val Kilmer playing the bad guy. He hasn’t been this wicked since playing the Iceman in Top Gun. There’s a Taxi reunion when Christopher Lloyd appears in “Graphic.” Numb3rs is the perfect show for the math nerd that wants to feel CSI: Macho.

    Samantha Who? The Complete First Season puts Christina Applegate’s star power back in the sit-com galaxy. Instead of playing a forgetful daughter on Married….with Children, she is now an amnesiac daughter on Samantha Who? After coming out of a coma, Samantha has to figure out who she was and who put her into the coma. There’s plenty of flashbacks with wild haircuts. She was not a nice girl in her former life. Finding out why she’s banned from Chicago Blackhawks games is hilarious. Making this fun for me is seeing Jennifer Esposito as the not quite nice friend. The boxset has 15 episodes on 2 DVDs.

    My Three Sons: The First Season, Volume One reminds us of the power of St. William Frawley. After he stopped playing Fred Mertz on I Love Lucy, he moved in with Fred MacMurray and three kids. He became the mom to them. Frawley knew how to toss the sass around when he got stuck in the apron. The DVD set contains the first 18 episodes. Frawley’s episodes weren’t given the syndication action in the mid-70s since they were in black and white. We got stuck with the color episodes featuring William Demarest as Uncle Charley. Finally getting to see Frawley in action on My Three Sons is like uncovering fresh footage of Babe Ruth at the plate. He knew how to knock ’em out of the park.

    Holiday Treats brings 8 Christmas episodes of Paramount owned shows onto one DVD. This is perfect for those who enjoy just wrapping yourself around the holiday. All the classics and a few recent shows get to shine their seasonal specials linked. I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, Andy Griffith Show, The Brady Bunch, Taxi, Family Ties, Frasier and Wings get into the Santa action. You don’t have to worry about the suits at TVLand providing your seasonal nostalgia. Plus there’s no commercials to cut into the holiday cheer. Is it time for egg nog?

    The Beverly Hillbillies: The Official Second Season is a bit confusing since there is no Official First Season. MPI Home Video put out two boxsets and a Christmas special DVD that covered the first season and half of the second. Don’t get too confused cause you shouldn’t think so much to enjoy one of the greatest sitcoms of all time. The plot is simple. A backwoods family discovers their worthless land is above a massive oil reserve. They make so much cash that the poor family is vaulted into the most illustrious house in Beverly Hills. No matter how much people try to culture them, the Clampetts remain true to their country roots. I can’t get enough Jethro in my daily diet. The DVD set includes the original sponsor promos that came after the credits. This includes the spots for Winston cigarettes. You also get the sponsor “codas” where the Clampetts wrap up the action with a plug including taking a few fresh packs up to their new house guests. There’s 36 episodes on 5 DVDs.

    Beauty and the Beast: The Complete Series is often mistaken as a TV show for the ladies. But this series isn’t a Harlequin Romance, but a Judd Apatow Super Schlub spectacular. A hairy man-beast of a guy lives a Dungeons and Dragons lifestyle in his father’s basement. One night while stumbling home, he trips over the hot mom from Terminator. She becomes deeply in love with the man who doesn’t have a real full-time job. Isn’t the dream of every boy with polyhedral dice in their sock drawer? Who is more hairy on screen, Ron Perlman as the subterranean Vincent or Seth Rogen? Ultimately Beauty and the Beast is a man’s fantasy cause I don’t know any women who dream of wearing as much fabric as Linda Hamilton’s wardrobe. This is the perfect gift for the professional woman in your life as proof that you can’t have a full-time job cause then you won’t have time to fight crime in the subway tunnels.

    Mission: Impossible, The Fifth Season brings a new female face to the force. Tasty Lesley Ann Warren plays Dana Lambert. She’s the new Cinnamon. Leonard Nimoy returns for his second and final season as Paris the man of disguises. Cack and other ladies will swoon with the arrival of Sam Elliott (Big Lebowski) as an IMF member. “The Killer” has Robert Conrad (The Wild Wild West) as a hitman who conducts his business so randomly that it confuses Peter Graves and his crew. “Flip Side” has a drug smuggling operation run by Sal Mineo (Rebel Without a Cause). Unlike the last few seasons, there are no multi-episode stories.

    Madagascar Blu-ray and Shrek the Third Blu-ray demonstrate how stunning this format is for computer animation. The programmed textures on the characters shine as they move across the screen. The penguins in Madagascar dominate in 1080p. Shrek the Third reunites Orge and Donkey for another adventure. This time there’s a coup d’etat that needs to be put down. Little kids will be dazzled by the extra pixels at work. This is what it must look like to watch the film at the animation studio on the super-computer.

    Foot Fist Way launched Danny McBride into comic stardom with his recent roles in Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder and the upcoming Land of the Lost. But there’s no big time star friends in this indie comedy. Danny plays a pissed off Karate instructor who takes out his frustrations on all those around him. The film plays like a North Carolina School of the Arts reunion special with the cast and crew. Danny and Ben Best keep this from being an inside joke for the Fighting Pickles crowd. This is a must grab if you laughed at Danny’s roles with Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Seth Rogen.

    Iron Man: 2-Disc Special Collector’s Edition Blu-ray would have been the superhero event of the year if it hadn’t been for The Dark Knight. Damn that Batman! Robert Downey Jr. delivers on his ability to bring edgy aspects to a comic book character. His eyes reveal the baggage of being a self-destructive genius. That’s something they can’t teach at RADA. This is one of those films that screams for the wonder of Blu-ray. The action of the Iron Man suit can’t be contained on a crummy normal TV. You’ll want that full home cinema experience.

    Click & Clack: As the Wrench Turns animates the public radio car repair series. The 10 episodes are aimed at kids and not gearheads. Although for those who don’t have an extensive auto education, this might be the perfect introduction to what the heck is going on beneath the hood. This is Dora the Explorer with real educational value. This is the perfect gift for an elementary schooler who can identify various makes and models of cars.

    I Want Candy dares to show us a alternate universe with Carmen Electra as a blonde. Two English videographers who do strange gigs like taping funerals. They find a source to fund the budget to their thrilling script. But there’s one catch – they have to cast Candy Fiveways (Electra) as the lead. She’s a porn star. So they adapt the script. Electra does a mean Jenna Jameson. There’s a cameo from Jimmy Carr, the host of Comedy Central’s Distraction. It’s a proper naughty British film that would receive a salute from Benny Hill.

    Finding Amanda forces a writer-producer (Matthew Broderick) to arrive in Las Vegas to rescue his niece (Hairspray‘s Brittany Snow) from her career as a prostitute. Trouble is that Broderick has a problem with drugs, drinking and gambling. He needs more saving from the Strip. Why can’t Hollywood ever make a film about a guy who drinks, does a little recreational drugs and gambles without having him be a candidate for rehab? I know these people exist in Hollywood. I’ve meetings with them. Keep your eyes open for Patrick Fischler who plays Jimmy Barrett on Mad Men. You might miss him since he’s not carrying a bag of Utz chips. Steve Coogan is a pit boss with a history with Broderick. He wants to make sure that Broderick’s gambling problem is cured. That problem is a matter of credit. It’s a bitter sweet comedy and seems like the proper follow-up to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. This is Ferris Bueller On the Rocks

    MUST CELLBLOCK TV

    Hey MSNBC Fans: Are you ready for Locktober? I’ve already stashed my shiv. Guess where? Wrong!

    Who do you think would make a better shiv: Joe Scarborough, Chris Matthews or Rachel Maddow?

    MILK ME, TY!

    What the heck is Ty Pennington doing as the pitchman for Similac? He’s not married and doesn’t have any kids. Who better to sell milk to nursing mothers. Was Billy Mays booked that weekend? This goes up there with Crest signing Shane McGowan.

    FAREWELL COPY CENTER

    A part of me is sad with the announcement that Kinko’s Copy Centers are gone. After their merger with FedEx, the Memphis based company has decided there’s no need for a FedEx-Kinkos sign in the world. Soon all your stores will be rebranded FedEx Office.

    Too much of my college years were spent inside the Kinko’s across the street from the campus. We were thrilled the night we saw Matt Feazell copying his upcoming Cynicalman comic. And we lived for their 2 1/2 cent copy sales. That was production season.

    Seems like the overnight delivery crew decided their was something unmanly about having to tack “Kinko” onto their name. Or perhaps like me, they remember this Dr. Demento classic when they hear “Kinko”

  • Party Favors: Brothers Jonas and The Puffy Shirt

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    BOISE – My old buddy Dan calls me up to tell me that he’s taking his daughter to see the Jonas Brothers at our local commercially sponsored concert shed. How sweet. Then he tells me that he’s buying two tickets off Stubhub for over $100 each. Huh? When did kiddie rockbands cost a fortune? I saw Cheap Trick a few years back for $5. For that price I could have taken Damone and the entire cast of Fast Times with me to rock out to “Dream Police” instead of seeing the Mouse approved trio.

    He paid over $200 cause he wanted his kid to be up close for the show. I thought little kids had better eye sight?

    What exactly have these Jonas Brother done to demand more cash than a two day pass for Disney World? I can’t hum any of their songs. I can’t remember ever saying, “I hate this Jonas Brothers song.” I remember hating on the Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block and the Wiggles. If “Name This Jonas Brothers Hit” was on Jeopardy, I’d put down my buzzer and weep. This is probably a good thing that today’s kiddie pop culture is so narrowcasted to the little ones. There’s barely any real blowback when the bubblegum goes pop.

    But $200? I can’t think of any concert as an elementary schooler that would have cost my dad that much – even if you factor in inflation. If Led Zeppelin had toured America in 1980, a good seat was only $15. Dad swears he was going to surprise me with good seats for that show. He also had lined up tickets for an Elvis concert on August 25, 1977. If my dad wants to take me to see you in concert, you’re as good as dead. Be prepared for the grim reaper, Barry Manilow! But I know that if any concert had cost $100 a ticket, dad would immediately respond with an “are you out of your mind? Not no, but Hell no!”

    Dan couldn’t say no to his daughter’s plea to see the latest pack of teen idols. The sad thought is that as soon as Dan’s daughter becomes nearly a teenager, she’s going to hate him. Everything he does now to seem like a cool dad will be completely forgotten. The only time this concert will be mentioned is during the “things I’ve done for you ungrateful kids” blast.

    News has just arrived that Jessica Simpson wants $70 to see her cornfed countrified act. I’m willing to go $100 if the encore includes an audience participation Cleveland Steamer.

    GET ON THE BUS

    Seinfeld College Tour bus dropped by my neighborhood a few weeks back. Imagine the joy of seeing various props from the series in a Best Buy parking lot. It was a dream come true to touch the plexiglass that protected Jerry’s Puffy Shirt. Plus I got a free Rhino flavored Snickers bar.

    While the Soup Nazi will appear at various stops, there was no Soup Nazi for us. The biggest star of the day was the frozen yogurt machine.

    For those who are curious about the 60 foot bus, I made a little video showing off every inch of it.

    CAGE FOR CHRISTMAS

    Is Nicolas Cage’s Bangkok Dangerous really a movie? It looks like a fake trailer made for Grindhouse 2: Burning Money Pit. He must have Michael Caine’s old agent from the Jaws: The Revenge era. Does Cage ever turn down a high dollar contract?

    I’m willing to offer Nicholas Cage $20 if he’ll appear in my family’s Christmas video. He’ll be playing me which might be the most challenging role of the last decade for the guy. Can Cage handle going one on one with my old man when it comes time to figure out where’s the remote control? There will be panic and action as the Ghost Rider gets out of my mom’s way while she’s making the turkey. The Oscar winner better be on his game for faking surprise when opening up a box to reveal the third sweater in a row.

    Corey Christmas could easily be the project that lets the critics once more believe that Nicolas Cage is the most important actor of his generation. Far as distribution goes, it will go mega-wide via Youtube.

    So if you’re out there, Nicolas Cage, I’ve got that crisp $20 waiting for you. Offer expires when mom takes the tree down. That was Feb. 24 last year.

    THE DVD SHELF

    Duckman: Seasons One & Two is my pick of the month. Duckman (Seinfeld‘s Jason Alexander) is a Private Dick/Family Man who can’t quite uncover a paying case in a twisted animated universe. His wife died and her aerobics addicted twin sister has taken over raising his dopey son (Dweezil Zappa) and his other sons that share a body. There’s something innately funny about a perverted and lazy duck who can’t find a clue without it stabbing him in the back. The first 22 episodes are on 3 DVDs along with an extensive documentary with plenty of the cast and crew remembering their time on USA network. Another feature has creator Everett Peck demonstrate how to draw this fowl so foul. Why hasn’t this adult animated cartoon ended up on Adult Swim or Comedy Central? Duckman goes perfectly with Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Although the Duck has more active animation than Master Shake. Also listen for the various Frank Zappa snippets snuck into the soundtrack.

    Charlie Chan Collection Volume 5 wraps up the final 7 mystery titles produced by Fox. Sidney Toler plays the famous Honolulu police detective who always gets his man despite what his Number 2 son does. Charlie Chan Goes to Panama is a reworked Mr. Moto script that puts Chan into an undercover position. He’s got to crack a spy ring before they sabotage the Panama Canal. Charlie Chan at the Wax Museum has him being lured into a building filled with recreations of famous killers. Except one of them isn’t made of wax. “Dead Men Tell” features a pirate ghost protecting his booty. It’s a relief that Fox was able to finish releasing all the Charlie Chan titles that still exist (a few were lost in a vault fire). Some may want to guilt you from watching this boxset with Sidney Toler playing an Asian-American. But they’re also making you ignore the action-comedy delivered by Sen Yung as his Number 2 son. Don’t dismiss Yung’s cinematic legacy.

    Fox Horror Classics, Volume 2 brings together a trio films that aren’t classic horror like the Universal monsters, but they deliver the creeps. Chandu the Magician gives a major budget to serial action. Chandu (Edmund Lowe) is a white guy who has mastered the tricks of the Indian yogis. He has to rescue a relative that’s been kidnapped by Bela Lugosi. The relative has created a death ray, but won’t tell Bela how to work it. Bela has to torture his family to crack him. Chandu comes to the rescue before the major cities of the world are zapped. The exploration of an Egyptian tomb is exhilarating with amazing sets and miniature effects. Dr. Renault’s Secret was Fox’s first attempt to make a Universal Horror. A professor wants to prove that apes became man by doing it in the lab. However his experiment goes terribly wrong. The bonus documentary lays out how this film is respected by classic horror fans. Dragonwyck is a gothic horror tale about a poor cousin (Gene Tierney) getting invited to be a nanny in the estate of a rich relative (Vincent Price). She’s blown away by the opulence of Dragonwyck manor. Things get uncomfortable and scary as Price goes nuts with his tenant farmers. This is a spooky trio for fans of black and white frights getting pumped for Halloween.

    Fox Film Noir series returns with another three titles. Roadhouse is not the Patrick Swayze flick. This early version of the title has Ida Lupino, Cornel Wilde and Richard Widmark get down and dirty at a classy country nightclub. There’s a bowling alley next to the bar. Wilde and Widmark run the joint. Things get nasty when Lupino arrives to sing in the bar. She’s pure feisty while working the room. Things go bad when Widmark melts down. Moontide has Lupino return without being so hard-boiled. She’s a suicidal hooker who gets saved by Jean Garbin. They open up a bait shop, but there’s dark secrets around Garbin and his drinking buddy. There’s also a drunken night and a dead body without a proper killer. There’s plenty of torrid action for fans of Noir. The long delayed Boomerang finally escapes onto the shelf. Dana Andrews is the State Attorney assigned to find the killer of a priest. He doesn’t trust the top cop’s suspect. But everyone wants to shut down the case. Jane Wyatt (Father Knows Best) and Karl Malden (Streets of San Francisco) have supporting roles. These Film Noir titles get the Raymond J. Regis Memorial seal of approval.

    The Love Guru (Blu-ray) was this summer’s box office disaster. Mike Myers plays a mystic who has learned life’s great secrets from Indian gurus (kinda like Chandu). He’s hired to bring stability to a Toronto Maple Leaf star (Weeds‘s Romany Malco). It’s the Peter Sellers film that Myers has been swearing he wants to make. Justin Timberlake goes over the top as a French-Canadian player who has stolen Romany’s wife. This is a film that plays better on Blu-ray since you can turn it into a drinking game. Why not throw down a shot of Yukon Jack every time Verne Troyer gets abused? The Love Guru is so bad that it must be endured in inebriated company. The bonus feature of “Hockey Training for Actors” cracked me up since these guys really can’t take Gordie Howe action. The Blu-ray is necessary to get all 1080p working on Jessica Alba. There’s no need to worship her in standard digital. They also throw in a digital copy so you can watch it on your video iPod.

    The Life Before Her Eyes (Magnolia Films) seems to have everything going for it. Uma Thurman (Kill Bill) and Evan Rachel Wood (Running With Scissors) play the older and younger versions of Diana. Evan’s a hell school hellion who transforms into a sensible mom (Uma) through a traumatic experience. It’s a Columbine situation which ends with her and her best friend (Eva Amurri) trapped in the bathroom with the AK-47 wielding classmate. For 90% of this film, I’m glued to the screen as this high tension story is revealed by switching between the two times. Instead of an intense finale we’re given one really messed up “huh?” moment. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but the ending ruins the film. While director Vadim Perelman (House of Sand and Fog) remains true to the novel, he’s cheating the viewing audience. Even the DVD’s alternate ending doesn’t alternate enough to make it work. Even with the seductive joys of Uma and Evan on screen, it’s Eva Amurri (Saved) that makes this The Life worth watching. She brings charm to the best friend role. When the gunman wants the girls to choose who he’ll shoot, you don’t see Eva’s character as a cypher. You don’t want either to her to be sacrificed.

    Quid Pro Quo (Magnolia Films) is movie that seems to tap into the J.G. Ballard vibe. A wheel-chair bound radio reporter (Carnivale‘s Nick Stahl) uncovers a subculture of walking people who want to be paraplegics. He wants to know what makes these people want to be paralyzed. His entry into their mindset is Vera Farmiga (The Departed). She wants to be on wheels so bad. Her ’70s hairdos are more disturbing than her legless desires. The major twist is that his time with her makes him want to rise and walk. The surprise ending on this film completely works. Quid Pro Quo is a film that appeals to fans of the freakish that don’t want to squirm too hard.

    Star Trek: Alternate Realities Collective brings together 20 episode from the various Star Trek series that deal with mirror universes. My favorite of the batch is the classic “Mirror, Mirror” where Kirk meets the evil Mr. Spock. He’s the Spock with the goatee action. They really should have done more episodes with the vicious Enterprise crew. They were much more fun. This boxset is good for the casual fan to the shows that can’t afford to get the nearly two dozen season sets. There’s a coupon for ordering a special Geordi figure.

    BEFORE THE NEW SEASON

    For those who were out of town for all of last year’s season, there’s plenty of boxsets that will help you catch up.

    CSI Miami: The Sixth Season shocks me that David Caruso has stuck around this long in the role of Horatio Caine. I got so used to seeing him as Glen Wesley of the Carolina Hurricanes. But now that’s retired from the NHL, he’s got plenty of time to solve crime in southern Florida and come up with various ways to dramatically take off his sunglasses. This season has him discover an unknown son and a brand new enemy. Augie watches the show was impressed by the 21 episodes. He’s eager for the premiere of season seven, but he won’t say why cause he’d hate to spoil it for people who need to see this boxset with unimpeded eyeballs. Calleigh Ducaine gets kidnapped in “Ambush” and “All In.”

    Criminal Minds: Season 3 features a changing of the guard as Mandy Patinkin (The Princess Bride) gets replaced by Joe Mantegna (The Godfather Part III). Joe doesn’t give the show the Valerie Harper – Sandy Duncan uneasy transition. It does seem natural for an FBI unit would have turnover. Thomas Gibson and Joe have a great rhythm between them. My favorite episode of the season was “In Heat.” You can’t go wrong with a serial kill with conflicted sexual identity.

    Ghost Whisperer: The Third Season scares me with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s outfits. She can communicate with the dead which makes me jealous since my cellphone can’t even text message. Perhaps she can talk to the deceased hopes of Yankee fans who had secured World Series tickets for this season? The 18 episodes remind us that the dead can be a bigger pain than the living. Jennifer’s character learns the horrible truth about her real father in “Pater Familias.”

    Medium: The Fourth Season follows a psychic (Patricia Arquette) that cracks cases for the Phoenix, Arizona district attorney’s office. How did Hamilton Burger not hook up with a psychic when he was battling Perry Mason? The fourth season kicks off with her secret talent being exposed to the public. This means everybody wants to tap into her sixth sense. This causes a bit of havoc for the DA’s office since the public doesn’t like knowing its main investigative unit is a dreaming woman. “Do You Hear What I Hear” has a great twist when she’s on the case of a missing deaf girl and loses her hearing while making the connection.

    Grey’s Anatomy: The Complete Fourth Season – Expanded has Meredith Grey, Cristina Yang, Izzie Stevens and Alex Karev finally become residents at the hospital. That means they’ll now get to pick on the interns. The two-parter “Crash Into Me” guest stars Seth Green (Robot Chicken). He’s got an extremely gross moment as his insides end up on the outside. It’s not a good episode to watch while eating dinner. The tawdry bed hopping does remain even as the gang move up the doctor ladder. The episodes are longer than their network run. That means you’ll see more of Seth.

    Ugly Betty: The Complete Second Season reminds us that a goofy character working amongst plastic people will always be more entertaining. Betty (America Ferrera ) remains cute with the massive braces and frightening sweaters even through her office has changed a bit. While watching the show, I can’t help but keep saying Rebecca Romijn Stamos even though she’s now married to Jerry O’Connell. Why did she marry the star of Tomcats and Kangaroo Jack?

    Dirty Sexy Money: The Complete First Season fictionalizes those disturbingly rich families that are in the business to annoy. Peter Krause Six Feet Under is the attorney who has to keep the Darling family out of jail and the bad gossip columns. Donald Sutherland and Jill Clayburgh class up the shoes. The lavish and jaded life gets pushed to the extremes that can be explored on broadcast TV. The writer’s strike reduced these season to only 10 episodes.

    Private Practice: The Complete First Season – Extended Edition has only 9 episodes that made it on the air before the writer’s strike. Dr. Addison Montgomery (Kate Walsh) splits Grey’s Anatomy for the Oceanside Wellness Group in Los Angeles. “In Which We Meet Addison, a Nice Girl From Somewhere Else” has Moon Unit Zappa as a woman who counts tiles after something snaps inside her. There’s also a mess dealing with a dead guy’s wife and mistress battling over his last loads of baby batter. These ladies should visit Ernest Borgnine. Kate Walsh is captivating enough to carry the show, but the ladies enjoy seeing Taye Diggs wash up.

    SMOKIN’ NAKED

    Congratulations goes out to Cathouse stars and the first couple of Carson City’s Bunny Ranch Dennis Hof and Brooke Taylor. They landed the covers of Smoke and Hustler. They are the first couple to achieve this tandem action since Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman. Who knew Ethel was such a tobacco aficionado? Everybody knows that Ernest introduced the Brazilian wax to America in his issue. With any luck, there will be a Party Favors special video from the Bunny Ranch in late October. Does this disqualify me from entering the “Win a date with covergirl Brooke Taylor” contest in the magazine?

    SPANKING WITH THE STARS

    The most disturbing fact to come out of the Christie Brinkley – David Cook divorce is that the couple had to watch porn videos to get into the mood for sex. What? This is beyond messed up. How many guys close their eyes and imagine they’re boffing Christie instead of the wife? How many guys ruined their old man’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues that featured Christie? For all those who dreamed of boning Christie Brinkley, the man who was living the dream couldn’t get wood without watching Gianna Michaels taking a dome shot. How messed up of a world has America become? The terrorists have won.

    If David Duchovny has to go to sex rehab clinic for internet porn, what hope is there for the rest of us? This guy got a facefull of Madeline Zima’s bosom in Californication and he’s surfing the web like the regular schlubs. At least he wasn’t busted for stalking Garry Shandling. Now I’m wondering if we went to the same sites. Did David and I pull a cyber threesome with Sunny Lane? Did both of us downloading from the same rapidshare link at the same time? Did we cross bytes? I want to believe.

    CABLE COOKIN’

    If the Food Network is really serious about creating Late Night programming to go along with Ace of Cakes, they need to introduce the alternative Martha Stewart to the channel. Why haven’t they had Amy Sedaris create a show out of her I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence? Put her in a retro kitchen, pick out the strangest looking of recipes and back away as she does her magic. She could have Mario Batali drop by to help roll her cheeseballs.

    Now that Scrubs is on TVLand, the series is officially on more cable channels than it had viewers for its final NBC season. I enjoy the show, but currently it’s fighting Billy Mays for TV over exposure. Why didn’t John C. McGinley run for president so Scrubs could dominate on CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC?

    How do college football coaches get so fat? Don’t they feel embarrassed standing on the sidelines with a stomach that’s longer than the 10 yard chain? How do they bark at players sweating and working out for hours and look like the Superdome with feet? How about a few of these coaches dropping to the turf and doing a couple squat thrusts? Should a guy getting paid $5 million by the athletic department look athletic and not like a heart attack waiting to happen?

  • Party Favors: First In Flight

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    GETTYSBURG – I want to be the next Vice President of the United States of America.

    Any party is free to make a play for me. I’m not picky. I just want the little job. I don’t want the big guy’s job. Let me ride a candidate’s coat tails in November. After eight years at the Naval Observatory, there will be no going for #1. I’ll be happy to host a variety show with Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony on Univision.

    My goal is to restore the office of the Vice President to its historic standing as a completely useless position. Did you know that at one time the Vice President had to provide two forms of ID to use cash at Washington DC’s Piggly Wiggly? It’s true.

    I don’t want to set agendas. I don’t even want a real staff. There’s no need to beef up the power of the gig. As the VP, my role should be opening supermarkets, throwing out baseballs and lowering dead foreign leaders. The man-sized safe in the VP’s office will be yanked out to make space for my man-sized HD-TV. My schedule will involve attempting to win a game of Madden ’08 against the computer. You won’t see me exposed on Daily Show for plotting the overthrow of a sovereign nation. The only International Incident dedicated to me will be burping too loud at the iHop.

    I don’t want to bring back respect to the position. I want to bring back the obscurity. School children will be asked, “Who is the Vice President of the USA?” Their proper reply should be, “We have one?” Remember FDR’s first vice president? Do you know him? It’s a $2,000 question on Jeopardy. It’s John N. Garner! He described the job as “not worth a bucket of warm piss.” Let me be America’s Trucker Bomb!

    My only promise is to bring the party to the people. As long as you show a proper driver’s license, you can drop by for a frosty mug at my office. It’s not like you’ll interrupt me doing any real work. My office will be located inside the TGIFridays on Pennsylvania Avenue.

    If you’re a presidential nominee with an open slot for #2, take a squat on me!

    THE MYSTERY OF KITTY HAWK

    And now here’s a short film about my visit to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

    DVD SHELF

    It’s political convention season. Unless you’re a fan of goofy hats, you’ll probably want to spend a little more time with the DVD player. There’s plenty of selections this month. You’ll be able to catch up on last season’s shows in order to be prepped for the fall premiere. You can also get a real history of politics instead of the party approved bullet points with a few titles.

    Chicago 10 reminds us of a time when a party convention could be more newsworthy than a Jim Nabor’s Variety Show episode. This documentary describes what happened when radical youths dared to take the streets of Chicago during the 1968 Democratic Convention. Director Brett Morgan elaborates on the techniques his crew used on Kid Stays In the Picture. He mixes vintage news footage with animation to create a vision a hyper view of the riot and the court proceedings. We get a up close and uptight view of how Mayor Richard Daley crushed the Yippies camped out in the park. Thankfully the soundtrack is not the usual ’60s superhits that get abused by VH1 specials. The best music matching the atmosphere moment is when the cops clean out the park to the sounds of Black Sabbath. This is where the animation and actual footage blend to create an intense fear that free speech can’t be shouted through tear gas. Chicago 10 is a must own for anyone wants to remember a time when people did rebel against a political machine.

    John Oliver: Terrifying Times shows how the English Daily Show correspondent doesn’t merely read political jokes as a fake reporter. He’s a political junky who dares to comment on these soul sucking times. This is the speech that you won’t be hearing from a convention stage. What a shame. This an expanded and uncensored version of the Comedy Central version that now runs 56 minutes. They throw in a few segments from The Daily Show including him and Larry Wilmore’s “N Word” special.” Those two need their own TV show. This is the only guy standing on a stage talking about politics action you’ll need to watch for the next month.

    The Presidents Collection brings together 10 documentaries about the men who called 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home. Teddy Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, FDR, JFK (and other Kennedys), LBJ, Nixon, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush get their lives and administrations probed in this series that aired on PBS’s American Experience. If you bemoan the fact that they didn’t take a Poli-Sci course in college, here’s a second chance at all that education. By the time you finish watching all 35 hours contained in this boxset, you’ll look like a genius during Jeopardy. You’ll know which rugged president had asthma. This is the perfect back to school gift for the budding presidential scholar in the house.

    Nightmare Before Christmas: Collector’s Edition is getting the Blu-ray love with plenty of time before Halloween or Christmas. You can have this before the Jerry Lewis’ Labor Day Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy. The bonus feature that excites me the most is “What’s This? Jack’s Haunted Mansion Holiday Tour.” See what the folks at Disneyland did to give the classic Haunted Mansion a little Tim Burton action. Dana Snyder should approve of this. The disc features a DisneyFile Digital Copy so you can watch it on your iPod. They also include the “Frankenweenie” and “Vincent” shorts made by Burton during his early Disney days.

    Transformers: Two-Disc Special Edition finally gives last summer’s blockbuster the 1080p action. It’s thrilling to finally see the fine details on Optimus Prime and Megatron as they knock each other around. You also get a thrill from seeing the fine details on Megan Fox. Why wasn’t there more of her chassis in this car show? Jon Voight makes the transforming robots realistic. Shia LaBeouf is his generations Jeff Goldblum. Why wasn’t Jeff cast as Shia’s dad? The special effects shimmer in this upgrade from the DVD. The second disc bonus features about the cast. crew. Autobots and Decepticons are in HiDef. It’s a Blu-ray celebration worthy of a late night geek out. There’s a certificate in the case for a $10 rebate if you upgrade from your old creaky DVD.

    Cheers: Season 10 brings us to the penultimate time for the gang that haunted Boston’s most popular bar. “Where Have All the Floorboards Gone” brings back Celtic superstar Kevin McHale. Cliff messes with the Hall of Fame forward’s mind when they argue about how many bolts are used on the Boston Garden’s parquet floor. The bar trivia destroys his game. They even have Kevin’s wife (Lynn McHale) playing herself. She’s a natural when she disrupts Kevin’s plea to Sam for sanity. Why don’t they have a reality show on NBA TV? Johnny Carson makes a cameo in “Heeeeeere’s… Cliffy!” The feud between Cheers and Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern heightens in “Bar Wars V” and “Bar Wars VI.” They don’t use “Monster Mash” when Gary sabotaged Sam’s jukebox. But they came up with a great “Vampire Twist” song as the substitute. The big wrap up of the season is a freakish wedding. No need to spoil the surprise of the bride and groom if you’ve forgotten the episode. Hopefully the final season will be served up fast.

    Wings: Season 7 is the next to last flight of the Sandpiper Air. For me, this show has always been where Mr. Monk was found as Tony Shalhoub stoles scenes with a stealth attack. The first episode kicks off with a burned out house. Thomas Hayden Church’s big farewell is “The Person Formerly Known as Lowell.” He has to leave the business after witnessing a mobster hit. Guess it’s better than him catching a strange disease. Wings is all about the Shalhoub anyway. He sticks it out till the end.

    Everybody Hates Chris: The Third Season keeps the spite coming as our hero enters his teens. The kid (based on Chris Rock) enters 9th grade. You think high school was rough. Imagine if your high school years had to be pumped up to be a sitcom. There’s a good anti-getting caught with cigarettes episode in “Everybody Hates Being Cool.” Turns out that after getting nailed in school, his sister gets to blackmail him to keep the info from his parents. Chris just gets way too much hate. It’s a miracle that this show can keep up the laughs instead of turning into an MSNBC Murder Mystery.

    The Bodyguard & The Bodyguard 2 have been doubled up inside a case although each film is on a separate disc. Tony Jaa (Ong-Bak) serves up his buttkicking with Thai flavor. Jaa has serious cinematic moves. The Bodyguard is a redemption story as Jaa loses a client the hard way. When he discovers the killers are coming after the guy’s son; he redeems his failure by saving him for free. The Bodyguard 2 has him now as a counter terrorism agent. He has to infiltrate and shut down a terrorist front. Consider this a fantastic kickass double bill for the late summer.

    Eli Stone: The Complete First Season collects the 13 episodes of the strange replacement series that came on after Lost. Eli is a lawyer whose brain aneurysm causes him to have weird visions slide into his reality. He keeps having George Michael pop up and sing “Faith.” That’s never a good thing to have the Wham man appear in the men’s room. Jonny Lee Miller plays Eli. You’d known him better as the Bond-loving Sickboy from Trainspotting. He was also the first Mr. Angelina Jolie. The show does its best to give a semi-serious message with a whimsical flavor.

    NCIS The Fifth Season has the 18 episodes that survived the strike ravaged season. What makes this show cool is that it allows people to view David McCallum as more than just the sidekick on The Man from U.N.C.L.E.. He’s not reduced to selling the Helsinki Formula Jr. He’s working on a top ranked show. The series allows Mark Harmon to graduate from Summer School. Mostly I watch to see Pauley Perrette, America’s favorite goth sweetheart. The season ended with one of their own on the slab. I’m not going to give the toe tag away.

    The Untouchables: Season 2, Volume 2 whips up another serving of old school gangster action . There are few TV cops that are as all business as Robert Stack in the role of Eliot Ness. The man did even go to the bathroom when he was on the clock. What’ll delight TV fans is the variety of stars that mobbed it up for the camera. “Augie ‘the Banker’ Ciamino” has Keenan Wynn (Dr. Strangelove) running a racket. This would be fun enough, but his main goon is none other that Harry Dean Stanton (Big Love). Harry was once a young actor! “The Antidote” has Telly Savalas (Kojak) as a big time bootlegger. Who loves him? Anybody who wants bathtub hooch. Victor Buono (Batman‘s King Tut) runs a counterfeiting ring in “Mr. Moon.” Before he booked ’em on Hawaii Five-O, James McArthur ran heroin as uncovered on “Death for Sale.” While Ness was a real lawman, there is nothing historical about these cases. Do not use these episodes as footnotes in term papers.

    Reprise is another literary movie from Scott Rudin. Two Norwegian novelists get tense with each other when one gets quick success while the other only gets rejection slips. It’s good to know that people in Scandinavia also suffer this affliction. The really deals with that horrible sensation that your happiness is not that infectious. This is a tough subject, but director Joachim Trier does a good job showing how writing is a competitive game. Nothing stinks more than seeing the less talented schlub from the creative writing class score with a poem in The New Yorker.

    DONALD CLAUS?

    The tabloids have gone nuts on Donald Trump’s offer to buy Ed McMahon’s mansion and rent it back to the elderly sidekick. It seems like such an amazing gesture of charity from the heartless mogul. They just might make a Christmas special out of this act.

    But it’s so messed up.

    This isn’t a case that Ed “lost” his house in a freak scam. He wasn’t cheated out of it in a fixed Poker game or by an accountant. Nobody fled to Brazil with all of Ed’s publishing lottery money. Ed is in trouble because he hasn’t paid his mortgage to the tune of $644,000. If Ed won’t cut a check to maintain ownership, what are the odds that he’s going to keep up rent payments? In the world of landlords, Ed is known as a major risk. Only people lower than Ed on the “risk list” are folks with a history of apartments that explode from suspected meth labs.

    Ed has had the house on the market for two years. He wants to sell the joint. Why are you going to buy his mansion and force him to live there? Why not just move Ed into a Trump Condo complex?

    This just isn’t an optimal charity situation for the Donald to be Santa to the man who made a fortune saying, “Here’s Johnny!” It’s not like they are even golfing buddies. It appears Trump hasn’t spoken to Ed about any of these plans. Having worked on Extreme Makeover, I can assure you that the people who get the free house have been interviewed by the show before Ty arrives with the megaphone. Does he really know what Ed can afford to pay to live in his house?

    There is only one real solution for Trump. He needs to hire Ed to be his sidekick on The Apprentice. Have him introduce the contestants and the corporate fatcats. Let him sit in the reception area of your “boardroom.” Instead of paying Ed the big bucks, Trump gives him the house’s deed at the end of the season. Declare two winners in the finale. Use the house in a couple episodes to get it considered a business expense. By giving away the house, Donald doesn’t have to worry about the future tabloid headlines of “Trump Evicts McMahon’s Widow!”

    JAGR BISCUITS

    After two visits to Red Robin Gourmet Burgers, I have no plans to be dragged back for a third time. While this chain is really inventive on what to put on the burger, they need to understand that what matters most is the meat. Both times the hamburger patties were dry and spongy. It was like a sponge cooked for medium well. For the price and hype, I want a nice juicy burger. Fuddruckers can do this. Char-Grill serves ’em up like this. Even Ruby Tuesdays understands the juicy concept.

    Judging from the perfect round shape of the patties, I sense they’re punched out and frozen. When gourmet hamburger on the menu, is it wrong to anticipate it being done with freshly ground meat? Or thawed out before hitting the griddle. I don’t want to munch of a bovine hockey puck. The brass of Red Robin need to back away from the bar and taste each others’ meat.

    DROWNED WORLD

    Why did NBC cancel The Michael Phelps Show? I was really getting hooked on this story about a guy who swims against all comers. Why did Zucker pink slip the guy? I was hoping that he’d eventually lose to the Harlem Globetrotters.

  • Party Favors: Paging Dr. Drew

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    BEVERLY HILLS – Dr. Drew Pinsky needs his medical license revoked.

    This man has no business being in the detox business since he obviously hasn’t a clue what needs to be done with star patients. Andy Dick gets busted for sexually assaulting two teenage girls and possessing drugs. What’s his punishment? Dr. Drew wants to check the former star of Newsradio into his latest VH1 series: Sober Living.

    Dr. Drew has gone from being a medical professional to the P.T. Barnum of celebrity trainwrecks. Is Jeff Conaway cured? Or is he merely ready to star in the latest Dr. Drew salvation series? This guy makes Dr. Phil look legit.

    Does Dr. Drew understand what these people aren’t addicted merely to booze, pills and teenage hookers. They are addicted to seeing their reflection in camera lenses. They are addicted to flashbulbs. They are addicted to the notion that their lives are 24-7 TV shows. They think that all their outrageous actions can be forgiven because they are the star of a show. They’re just that wacky character adding life to a dull “average” reality and it’s in the script.

    Nothing reinforces the “my life is a TV show” syndrome than round the clock camera crews covering your every visit to the bathroom. Dr. Drew tore into Conaway’s girlfriend for supposedly smuggling drugs into his elite rehab center. But Conaway indulged in a substance worse than sugar coated crack: videotape. He nodded back to the sets of Grease and Taxi when the warmth of a wireless microphone pack snugged against his ass. It’s like heroin to a washed up actor. You appeal to their distorted sense of reality by letting them know that it is news when they take a dump cause there’s two cameras and a boom mic following them into the toilet.

    Can you cure narcissism with gilded mirrors?

    Andy Dick won’t get any real help from enrolling in this program. He’ll get help fattening up his resume thanks to Dr. Drew. This will look great next to him judging on Comedy Central’s The Gong Show.

    If Dr. Drew is smart, he’ll understand that Andy Dick is beyond help. He’s a lost cause. How many chances has this guy had to clean up his act? How many big star friends have sought to dry up their pal? How many times has he screwed them over? He’s going to play it up for the cameras to make us view him as this hurt little boy. But it’s all going to be an act. Look at his eyes in his most recent mugshot: He’s evil. Putting him on a TV show will only encourage his outrageous ways. He shall merely contribute to the show’s narrative instead of get himself straightened out. He’ll care more about getting screen time than sobriety. He’ll be drunk on boom microphones.

    If any stars truly want to clean up their acts, they’ll forget Dr. Drew and check themselves into The Party Favors Rehab Center and Hardcore Fighting Academy. Andy Dick needs his clock cleaned before he can clean up his life. But Dr. Drew is only going to milk him for precious ratings points. Perhaps Dr. Drew needs to confess that he’s a video junky? Physician detox yourself.

    As of this moment, Neil Patrick Harris has more right to convey medical knowledge on TV than Dr. Drew.

    BOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG

    After two episodes of Comedy Central’s The Gong Show, it’s safe to declare that the people who revived the classic gameshow never actually watched it. It’s a pathetic mess. While the show should be seen as the anti-America’s Got Talent, it’s pretty much on par with the network schmaltz show minus the power of David Hassellhoff.

    The Gong Show set is dreary. There was a classless glitz to the original Gong Show. It had shiny parts to distract. The new place just seems like they stole parts of the sets from Mind of Mencia. The judges look like they’re stuck in a dentist’s lobby. The gong fades into the background. Make it pop, people!

    The acts presented were rather painful. Shoving a needle through your arm is so Jim Rose from a decade ago. A woman singing about her wet shaved pussy while holding a bald cat is cute, but predictable. The hula hoop girl was interesting, but really worth winning?

    The only good part of the show is Dave Attell. The former host of Insomniac displays a little bit of Chuck Barris’ charm as he bridges between the acts and the judges. But even he seems lost on this undeveloped revival. He has that “is it over yet” stare when sneaking off the stage. He also needs clothes that weren’t stolen from Don Johnson’s wardrobe from the fifth season of Miami Vice.

    There’s a chance for the show to work, but at they need to quit casting it with Howard Stern style acts. Wasn’t Queen Laqueefah already rated by Beetlejuice? You have to mix the innocent with the bizarre before sliding us the grotesque.

    HE’S DEAD, JIM

    Looks like CBS is completely giving up on Swingtown by moving it to Friday nights. If the network really cared about the show they would have changed the title to CSI: Swingtown. Each week the crack crew would have to piece together how different swinger met their fate. Plus tawdry lust moments at the lab to fill in the gaps. This short series better come out on DVD in time for Christmas. It’s the perfect gift to give your neighbors you want to hump.

    KING OF BLAHS

    How pathetic is it that Budweiser has been bought by InBev? The home of the Clydesdales has been snagged by a beer company based in Sproutland and operated by guys who enjoy picking up transsexuals after soccer matches. Rumors are already swirling that the new owners want to streamline the company. People will be fired shortly after Ms. Bud signs over her shares. What’s worse is the fear they’ll be dumping the amusement park arm that includes SeaWorld, Busch Gardens and Sesame Place.

    They’re going to kick Elmo to the curb!

    You won’t see me yelling for a boycott of Budweiser beers. Why? Because I’ve done my best to avoid Budweiser ever since they destroyed my once beloved Rolling Rock. Those rat bastards in St. Louis decided that the precious horsehead concoction blessed by the fine waters of Latrobe, Pennsylvania could be slopped out in Newark, New Jersey. That means when you now drink a Rolling Rock, you could be sipping the decaying flesh of Big Pussy.

    I’d rather drink a liquidized urinal cake than sniff the “King of Beers.” Thankfully around here the better bars do carry Yuengling on draft.

    It’ll be sweet music a few years from now when the folks who once ran Budweiser complain about how InBev screwed them and ruined their brewery. Who knew karma could have such a frothy head?

    DVD SHELF

    Cocaine Cowboys 2: Hustlin’ with the Godmother reminds us of the dangers from being a pen pal. Charles Cosby was a street hustler in Oakland when he wrote a fan letter to Griselda Blanco. She had recently been locked up in a nearby women’s prison after causing the bloody cocaine wars in Miami. Instead of merely getting an autographed headshot, the Godmother wrote him back a love letter. This relationship changes Cosby’s life. He visits her in jail and she sets him up with his own cocaine connection. He quickly becomes her lover and legs. She has him going all over the country to keep the white powder flowing. However he quickly learns that she’s not a really good girlfriend since she killed her last three husbands. What’s a street hustler to do with such a woman?

    Director Billy Corben and his crew from Cocaine Cowboys illustrate the interviews with the dealers, hustlers, lawyers and cops with limited animation. The best cartoon moment is when Cosby explains how a Federal case was completely derailed by secretaries with severe cases of Jungle Fever. It’s like a scene from Heavy Metal. If you enjoyed the original documentary, you’ll be more than enraptured by this West coast tale of love and blow.

    The Executioner’s Song: The Director’s Cut tells the story of Gary Gilmore, a homicidal guy who was executed by firing squad in Utah. He fought to keep others from preventing his execution. This was a movie of the week, but it had more talent on both side of the camera than most Tori Spelling epics. A very young Tommy Lee Jones plays Gilmore. Rosanna Arquette is his girlfriend. Christine Lahti and Eli Wallach (Babydoll) also beef up the acting. Oscar winning cinematography Freddie Francis (Glory) and editors Tom Rolf (The Right Stuff) and Richard A. Harris (Titanic) makes this film look and feel like a theatrical feature film. The director’s cut is 135 minutes so it’s tighter than what ran on two nights back in 1982.

    Surfwise is about how Dr. Dorian Paskowitz skipped the straight world and lived by the waves. He and his wife raised their eight sons and a daughter inside a camper for nearly two decades. They traveled randomly across the country living in pure poverty. The kids remember how they didn’t have enough clothing for all the kids to be dressed at once. They become legendary for their surfing lifestyle. While the film demonstrates a blissful vision of Doc, we discover that the Paskowitz family resembled The Jacksons on the waves. When the kids finally get old enough to leave the camper, they quickly discover they aren’t ready for the world of humans with their lack of education. How will they survive? This is an amazing documentary with an emotional roller coaster of events.

    Family Ties: The Fourth Season takes the Keaton clan to England. They have the entire movie of the week with Alex going to Oxford. He gets tangled up with a spy ring. It’s also an important season for Michael J. Keaton since his future wife Tracy Pollan plays his girlfriend. Alex actually finds a woman that can hang with is neo-con ways. This is also the season when Nick (Scott Valentine) shows up to date Mallory. My brother once worked on a Corman film with Valentine. He didn’t mind it if you called him Nick by accident. Only three more seasons left.

    Star Trek The Original Series – The Complete Second Season (Remastered) brings you the recent Hi-Def version of the Kirk and Spock era show. This time you don’t have the HD-DVD on the flipper discs. The big thing is that they replaced a lot of the old spaceship models with CGI action. It’s a much cleaner frame than old optical effects. If you love “The Troubles with Tribbles,” you’ll over dose on the fuzzy wonders. They include the episodes from Star Trek: The Animated Series and Deep Space Nine. Plus plenty of Tribble bonus features. They overrun the boxset. The 26 episodes look much better than the transfers used on the previous season sets.

    The Boston Strangler: The Untold Story takes us back to the murder spree that inspired the Rolling Stone’s Midnight Rambler. David Faustino is Albert De Salvo. That’s right, Bud Bundy is the Boston Strangler. Or is he? The film wants us to believe that De Salvo merely confessed to crimes he didn’t commit. It’s an interesting take on the true crime. Corin Nemec from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose plays Stuart Whitmore.

    Love Boat: Season One, Volume 2 is my truly guilty pleasure. This collection can be summed up in one word: Hambone!!! This has the episode where Scatman Crothers brought Hambone mania to my bus stop. Kids stopped worrying about doing the hustle and tried to slap their hands with Hambone action. Scatman was at the top of his game with Hong Kong Phooey and The Shining making him a superstar. But when he whipped out the Hambone to show Doc, Julie and Issac, he became a music sensation like Andy Gibb. You get the final TV performance of Bob Crane as he plays a disgraced ex-captain reduced to being staff on the Pacific Princess. Plus Frankie and Annette appear, although in different episodes.

    Dexter: The Complete Second Season keeps up the bloody goodness on Showtime. Michael C. Hall is perfect as the serial killer who works on the Miami Police force. This new batch has him become the target of an FBI profiler played by Keith Carradine. Things get complicated when the profiler works his mojo on Dexter’s sister. Can Dexter quit his sinister urge to keep from being busted? He enters a 12 step program although he doesn’t quite tell the folks in the room his real trouble. This is one of my favorite shows on TV.

    Perry Mason Season 3, Volume 1 brings another dozen cases to your DVD player. Another dozen chances for Perry to beatdown foolish prosecutors. This is still the gold mark for legal series. He knew how to discover those special clues that made his client innocent in the eyes of the jury. My favorite file is “The Case of the Garrulous Gambler.” A guy gets angry during a Poker game and cold cocks a player. He’s told that he killed the guy and the other players bribe him to keep quiet. Things go extra bad when the ring leader turns up dead. Did the gambler decide to double down on homicide? This is perfect viewing for those glued to the World Series of Poker on ESPN.

    Nightmare Before Christmas is getting the Blu-ray love with plenty of time before Halloween or Christmas. You can have this before the Jerry Lewis’ Labor Day Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy. The bonus feature that excites me the most is “What’s This? Jack’s Haunted Mansion Holiday Tour.” See what the folks at Disneyland did to give the classic Haunted Mansion a little Tim Burton action. Dana Snyder should approve of this. They also include the “Frankenweenie” and “Vincent” shorts made by Burton during his early Disney days.

    Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds: The 3-D Movie is a title as long as the film. There’s only one major question: How can this 3-D technology be applied to Christina Hendricks’ scenes on Mad Men? There is only one reason to care about this film – cause your ten year old niece is going to pester you until Christmas if you don’t get it for them. Is it wrong that I kept thinking the Naked Brothers Band were the same as the Jonas Brothers? Disney just keeps cranking out the music. I can’t really call it noise since my childhood consisted of being crazy for Einstürzende Neubauten. Blixa was such a tricky fellow although he didn’t swap identity like Hannah and Miley.

    Dave’s World: The First Season is a conflicted show for me. The series turned the life of newspaper columnist Dave Berry into a sitcom. I hate Dave Berry’s writing. He’s such a simp. He makes Larry King’s column look cutting edge. But they cast Harry Anderson (Night Court) as Dave. He does great geek magic. How could they do this? They turned Shadow Stevens into his friend. Shadoe is best known for taking America’s Top 40 away from Casey Kasem. This show still plays like a light version of Roseanne. Fans of the series need to know that Southside Johnny’s cover of Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right” has been removed as the theme song.

    Caroline in the City: The First Season should not be confused with Sex In the City. Lea Thompson seems to be the lady who writes the Cathy comic strip. She’s got the boyfriend problems while she’s working her career as an cartoon artist. The best reason to watch is Amy Pietz. She’s the hot friend who has to look more screwed up than Lea. She discovers her life keeps popping up in Caroline’s work. What a thief.

    Be Kind Rewind is a major mess of a movie. When I first saw the trailer, I thought the VHS rental store was from 1998 when DVDs hadn’t truly taken over the market. But then as they scan the shelves, there’s a copy of Harold and Kumar Go to the White Castle. That VHS came out in January of 2005. The tape cost more than the DVD. Danny Glover isn’t saving cash by refusing to swap his store over to digital. This guy’s business deserves to get shut down. I predict box office gold for a movie called, Jack Black Gets Beaten Senseless.

    Muhammad Ali: Made In Miami covers how the city transformed the Gold medal Olympian into the Heavyweight champion of the world. The PBS documentary provides plenty of vintage footage and photos of Ali during the early ’60s. He was a boxing champ knew how to charm the camera and reporters. On the Jack Paar Show, Ali meets his match in the clench of Liberace. They even collaborate on a musical moment. Can today’s boxing belt holders can hold their own against Randy Newman? He clowns around with the Beatles for a photo shoot. Ali talks about how pro wrestler Gorgeous George influenced his attitude. The documentary does a great job of balancing the rise of the boxer and the sunshine capital. It’s a perfect prequel to When We Were Kings.

    SMOKING ROOM

    Bill Gates and Michael Bloomberg are going to spend $500 million dollars to stop people from smoking all over the world. Here’s a suggestion: Give me the $500 million dollars.

    Why do I deserve half a billion bucks? Cause I don’t smoke. Do Gates and Bloomberg realize that for decades, we’ve grown up with warnings about the dangers of smoking? The side of cigarette packs should be enough to scare a sane person from picking up
    the habit. The Surgeon General deathly diagnosis doesn’t spook a soul. People still smoke. Smart people who know better still smoke.

    The Insider was considered a great anti-smoking film. People chain smoked on that set. They knew the hard truth of what they were sucking down in the dangerous cigarettes, but refused to snuff out their smokes. They might as well had wasted their time filming Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Meet Joe Camel. Congress killed Joe Camel and kids still love to smoke. Did you know that monkeys, chimps and apes love to smoke?

    Gates and Bloomberg are burning their cash if they think their Great Butt Out of 2009 will cause those Xtreme Redbull Kiddies to see the error of their ways. At minimum Gates and Bloomberg should give me a million bucks for coming up with the name “Great Butt Out” as way to connect with the snowboarders around the world. Donnie Deutsch doesn’t give out big ideas like that for free.

    The sad part is that Cigarette manufacturers seem to be the only American businesses that haven’t been bought out by foreigners. Gates and Bloomberg want to put fine people of Richmond and Winston-Salem onto the free cheese line. They want to snuff out the dreams of Americans. Why destroy the one good thing that’s working in this snafu economy? They need to give one American the simple dream of half a billion dollars. Call now. My operator is waiting.

  • Party Favors: Joe Versus The Joe-cano

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    DURHAM – I survived the other Joe the Lion.

    There are a few things that get me out of bed at 5 a.m. But when Hall of Fame basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski needs a P.A., I’m there. He’s bringing the Olympic gold back to America. I’ll carry his water for my normal daily fee.

    Coach K was starring in an ad campaign for a product I can’t discuss. They needed a P.A. for the website video and the print campaign shoot. In between these gigs, I’d get a breather as the coach would be working with the 35mm commercial crew.

    I was still rather sleepy when I pulled onto the Duke campus. I reported to the producer and curiously asked who was shooting the Coach K commercial. The last time I worked with Coach K, it was Oscar winner Errol Morris doing the American Express ad. I was hoping to hear an ex-Propaganda guy would be on the court. The producer softly said, “Joe Pytka.”

    This news woke me up better than using a beer bong to chug a gallon of Jolt soda, Red Bull and a meth chaser. While my life didn’t flash before my eyes, my soul could feel the short careers of other P.A.s vanquishing. For those who don’t squirm in horror, Pytka is best known for his thousands of commercials. He brought us the McDonald’s “Nothing But Net” series with Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. He lensed the legendary “Your Brain on Drugs” series. He’s done an astonishing number of ads that ended up on The Superbowl. You might really know him for directing Space Jam with Jordan and Bugs Bunny. But for those who wrangle cable and pull focus, Pytka’s name rates up with “Bloody Mary.” You never say Pytka three times while looking into a Fresnel lens.

    Stories of what Pytka has done to crew members are notorious in production circles. I can’t even repeat them on advice of legal counsel. A majority of them end with Pytka firing everybody on the set. But maybe these are just stories told by jealous bitches. Perhaps Pytka is a misunderstood, sweet, warm, lovable guy.

    While cutting through the hotel lobby to retrieve stuff from the producer’s room, I spotted Pytka coming out of the elevator. He’s not quite the Lion of legend since his hair has grayed and thinned. He’s almost like a heavyweight version of Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror. Under normal circumstances, I’d say, “Good morning” and introduce myself as part of the crew (although not his crew). But as he got closer, I felt this hideous aura that warned me to not even make eye contact. Darth Vader’s “force” doesn’t come close to the menace of Pytka. The weight of my eyeballs on his black sweatshirt would probably cause him to erupt. I looked directly at the elevator and let him pass undisturbed. Without us exchanging a word, I sensed that all those stories were true. I didn’t breath until the elevator doors were closed.

    Even though I wasn’t working on his crew, I feared that he’d fire me for having the nerve to bring myself to his attention. I’ve said hello to Sonny Barger of Hells Angels fame. I’m not a chicken when it comes to saying hello. But Pytka is literally like working with a lion. It’s not a question of if it’ll attack, but what’s your escape route when it attacks. Nobody will ever confuse Joe Pytka for Mr. Rogers.

    The shoot location was the brand new Michael W. Krzyzewski Center for Athletic Excellence. Do you want to know why Coach K didn’t run off to the NBA when the Celtics and Lakers threw money at him? Cause he’s got an empire on Duke’s campus. This new Center is huge. It has two indoor basketball courts, massive lockerroom area, a weight room that could house Fit TV’s studios and a “film room” that rivals NASA’s Mission Control or Bill Gates’ home entertainment center. This is a long way from a corner in the gym with an abandoned blackboard and three half pieces of chalk. This is big time college basketball.

    When it comes to pitchman, Coach K is a pure professional. I was in complete awe at how he worked his lines and nailed his marks. He needs to quit having VIP basketball camps and train executives how to appear in their industrial videos. I learned a lot watching him operate on the green screen. I was in charge of making sure he had water on the set. Anyone who complains that I’m a water carrier for Coach K, I can’t argue it. When it came time for him to work with Pytka on the courts, I remained hidden in the lobby.

    A row of windows looked down on the court. We would sneak peaks of Pytka and his crew. We wanted to see what made him so special. At one point, I saw Pytka’s camera aiming up at our window. I ducked with a fear that Pytka would launch a chair at us for spoiling his shot. But the glass didn’t break. We were informed that it was mirrored on the other side. We exhaled and resumed our observation of Joe the Lion with the security of a security mirror.

    Pytka was completely in his environment as he spent plenty of time dribbling the ball and shooting the hoop. No P.A.s attempted to get between the director and the backboard. It was an amazingly smooth shoot without any bloodshed. This was the rarest of Pytka location stories. When Pytka’s crew wrapped, I nervously went down to help prepare the court for the still photos. Even with Pytka done for the day, I kept on the fringes and out of his direct line of vision. It was a great sense of relief when he left the Center. I knew I’d get paid for a full day on location.

    Coach K was jazzed about his Olympic prospects. I didn’t want to talk about Beijing with him because my last “Olympic” job involved Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery before the 2004 Athens games. I wished luck on Marion and Tim at the end of that shoot. Both of them are now in prison on various charges. Coach K doesn’t need that kind of luck from me.

    GEARS OF WHEAT

    A special thanks goes out to Cliff Bleszinski (formerly known as CliffyB) and the folks at Epic Games. I was over at their headquarters for a job that involved Cliff having to walk around in my size 15 sneakers. He walked 10 yards in my shoes around the hallways covered in awards collected for Unreal Tournament and Gears of War. I’m going to be putting them on eBay shortly. There’s got to be a freak in Japan aching for such a great souvenir. Cliff let me play around with an actual size Cog Lancer. I know what I’m putting on the list to Santa.

    During our lunch break, I pitched my brilliant new video game: Amish Vengeance. Real estate developers want to buy up all the farms to turn into Super Wal-Marts, Home Depots and Starbucks. It’s up to you, a simple Amish farmer to fight back against the English. Being that you’re Amish, you don’t get to use real weapons. You only have one true super power to defend yourself from those money loving heathens: Shun-Force! In order to get up to critical shun levels, you have to accumulate grace points by building barns, driving buggies and praying hard. All this is simulated physical activity is done with your wii Nunchuks.

    Kids always like to brag about their marathon sessions playing videogames. They’ll be in rapture when they enter the “Harvest” mode of the game. Six straight sixteen-hour days of toiling in the fields with their wii controls! You get to enjoy the sensation of using a scythe on the digital wheat! You get to grind the grain. And imagine all the fun with hours of cyber butter churning. The game shuts down on the seventh day to observe the Sabbath. Poorly done research proves this feature appeals to mothers of Orthodox Jewish gamers. After three weeks of playing the game, you’ll be growing a beard and calling yourself Eli Lapp.

    Cliff and the Epic Games people seemed impressed and interested in Amish Vengeance, but are extremely focused on getting Gears of War 2 ready for the November release date. With any luck, I’ll have a launch time interview with Cliff for the Party Favors. I’ve already promised to pick up the tab for dinner at Raleigh’s Martin Street Pizza. This is best damn pizza joint in town. The menu is haunted by the ghost of Ed LaDou. Their ultimate is a pizza with prosciutto, asparagus and egg. Mmmmmm.

    THE DVD SHELF

    Is there going to be an actor’s strike? What’s the point of watching the Olympics when you know that all the winners will be stripped of their medals when they pee wrong in the next decade? Do you really care about watching dogs compete with their annoying owners? It’s all about digging up DVDs for my entertainment until Mad Men starts at the end of July.

    Cannon: Season One, Volume 1 takes me back to a time when a really fat detective could solve any crime imaginable. William Conrad stepped away from the microphone as the narrator on Rocky and Bullwinkle. He was a hefty private investigator that roamed the country hunting down crooks, swindlers and homicidal maniacs.. “The Salinas Jackpot” reminds us of the danger posed by rodeo clowns. Tom Skerritt (Alien) looks creepy with the makeup and a gun. “Country Blues” should be seen as the precursor to Star Wars. Mark Hamill plays a kid stuck on the family farm who has ship from space crash on his land. It’s actually an airplane with a dead country star. But doesn’t that sound like Luke Skywalker? While Jaws isn’t influenced by “No Pockets In a Shroud,” Roy Schieder attacks through the screen as a low-life protecting a Howard Hughes-esque rich guy. There’s a dozen cases on this boxset that remind us of that time when an out of shape man could run circles around the bad guys.

    Jake and the Fatman: Season One, Volume One brought the husky magic of William Conrad back to the people. He didn’t have to be nearly as active as Cannon in the role J.L. McCabe, the Los Angeles District Attorney. He had Joe Penny as his leg man. Guess which one was the Fatman? “Happy Days Are Here Again” kicks the series off with Robert Reed (Mr. Brady from The Brady Bunch) as a senate candidate who is following around on his wife with a female staffer. Shocking! An overzealous speechwriter (John Rubinstein of Family) solves his man’s problem. Wonder if this is based on Pat Buchanan’s time with Nixon? “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” has Mark Goddard, Major West from Lost In Space. The chemistry between Penny and Conrad works better than I remember. Although be warned that Jake and the Fatman is a gateway series to Matlock!

    Beverly Hills 90210: Season Five is the year that Brenda disappeared. She supposedly did so well in her acting classes that she stayed in London to attend RADA full-time. Really? The immediately swapped her for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from Saved By The Bell. She moves into Brenda’s bedroom after her dad commits suicide. She seems sweet, but you know she’ll have issues. Luke Perry’s drunk in Mexico with his amazing sideburns. Howie Long from Fox’s NFL team has a cameo in the first of the 31 episodes in this boxset. They even hype the upcoming CW resurrection of Beverly Hills 90210. I wonder if they’ll figure out what happened to Brenda. Is she the bad influence on Amy Winehouse?

    Comedy Central’s TV Funhouse does not feature any of the shorts from Saturday Night Live. This was an 8 episodes series that aired on the cable channel in 2000. Robert Smigel and Dino Stamatopoulos attempted to expand their few minutes of nonsense into a twenty-two minute show. They made it a freakish kiddie series with Doug Dale as the human host. His Anipals were a mixture of puppets with live animals. The puppets had the same tone as Triumph, the Insult Dog. The best two episodes deal with the Anipals going to Atlantic City to party with Triumph. Robert Goulet swings with the stuffed fur. TV Funhouse makes a good double feature with Wonder Showzen.

    Drillbit Taylor (Extended Survival Edition) is must see for those wanting to truly experience “The Summer of Danny McBride.” Forget Owen Wilson playing the title character. This movie is really about McBride as Don, Drillbit’s pal. Both men end up teaching kids without being stopped by the cops running the metal detectors. What does it say about our nation’s educational system when homeless men can clean up and sneak into schools as teachers? What’s child wants to get left behind if they know that Drifter Bob is in the classroom? Make sure you get this in BluRay so you can experience Danny McBride in Hi-Def action.

    The Ruins reminds us why package tours are good. This time a group of Americans wandering around Mexico visit the ruins of a Mayan temple. They’re barefoot tour turns to mystical terror involving Mayan weirdness. This is the perfect kinda film for the SciFi Channel after Mansquito. The big plus is getting to watch Jena Malone being terrorized. Someday I’m going to quit confusing Jena with Tina Majorino. Although both were on Big Love.

    Stop-Loss is another Iraq war theme movie that didn’t find an audience. This time it’s Ryan Phillippe who thinks he’s fulfilled his military obligations only to find he’s being sent back to the warzone under the Stop-Loss program. This is one of Ryan’s finest performances. Having known a person who was dragged back into the army years after he’d been discharged, this is a real subject.

    Evening Shade: Season One brought Burt Reynolds to the sitcom world after returning to the small screen with B.L. Stryker. It’s amazing how much talent was on that soundstage with Marilu Henner, Michael Jeter (The Fisher King), Elizabeth Ashley, Ossie Davis, Charles Durning and Hal Holbrook. Burt’s character is an Ex-NFL player who returns to his quaint Southern town to coach the high school football team. It’s pretty easy work for Burt as he slides on his good ol’ boy charm.

    Soul Food: The Final Season wraps up the Showtime series about the Jones family. Augie once said that this Chicago based drama was like Good Times without Jimmy Walker playing up to the studio audience. Girlfriends: The Fourth Season brings more of this quartet of ladies from the glory days of UPN. Remember that network? This season brings plenty of hot forbidden romance. I’m not spoiling the forbidden nature. Soul Food and Girlfriends remind us that there was a time before Tyler Perry.

    Shine A Light finally brought the Rolling Stones and Martin Scorsese together after Marty had used “Gimme Shelter” in half of his films. This is a fun show recorded in the intimate Beacon theater. This makes it more enjoyable than the stadium shots in Let’s Spend the Night Together. Mick and Keith show their age, but still move around the stage better than Abe Vigoda. Christina Aguilera looks extra sassy while dueting “Live With Me” to Mick. Buddy Guy brings the blues when he unleashes “Champagne and Reefer.” What really would have made this film rock is if the Stones had brought back Mick Taylor to solo on “Brown Sugar” and “Midnight Rambler.” Couldn’t Marty at least CGIed Mick Taylor from the ’72 tour onto the stage? Bonus songs for the Blu-ray and DVD are “Paint It Black,” “Little T&A,” “I’m Free” and “Undercover of the Night.”

    Toxic is one of those violent crime flicks that’s more thrilling for it’s amazing cast of actors. How else do you explain Dominque Swain, Master P, Danny Trejo, Tom Sizemore, Costas Mandylor, Steven Bauer and C. Thomas Howell in the same film? Toss in Bai Ling, Ron Jeremy, Brande Roderick, Shar Jackson, Tabitha Stevens and James Duvall. This is like a messed up Love Boat with the cruise ship replaced by firepower. It’s about deranged mental patients, strippers, crimelords and Ron Jeremy. What happens when they all collide? As a blurbmaster would declare: This film is Toxic! Master P working with Lolita defines fine entertainment.

    LA Ink: Volume 1 lets us know what it takes to run a tattoo parlor in Tinseltown. The secret is a lot of hot women with needles. After Kat Von D was fired on Miami Ink, she returned to the West Coast with a camera crew. How come I didn’t get a reality show when my last job fired me? Kat’s got lots of high profile guests wanting tramp stamps and family portraits on their flesh. I’m not related to Corey, but he’s the only one I trust of the bunch. The sound mix on the show gets me queasy with the overwhelming needle sound. You might want to keep the remote close to adjust the volume.

    There’s plenty of Blu-ray action coming you way at the end of July. Beowulf: Director’s Cut brings way more excitement to this poem than your high school English teacher’s pop quiz supplied. The animated frenzy of Grendel makes you believe that Ray Winstone is hunkier than those 300 studs.

    Top Gun is a film that was made to test your home entertainment system. This was Tom Cruise before he became the sofa jumper. He’s just a cocky fighter pilot attempting to put Val Kilmer in his slipstream. In Blu-ray, the fighter planes pop on the attack. Careful with the volume or the FAA will investigate your house for an illegal landing strip.

    Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan series gets the 1080p upgrade. The Hunt for Red October brought Alec Baldwin to the Ryan role. He gets pulled into a case of an incoming Soviet submarine captained by Sean Connery (Bond, James Bond). Baldwin has to figure out if America’s under attack or if Connery is defecting. Patriot Games bodyswaps Ryan so he’s now Harrison Ford. This time he’s battling those pesky Irish. Ryan stops an IRA hit on an English Royal family member. Now they are out to hit his family. Thora Birch plays Ford’s daughter. What happened to Thora after Ghost World? Clear and Present Danger brings back Ford to battle the Columbian drug cartel. The Blu-ray brings the ambush scene to the next level. You’ll duck from the explosions. The Sum of All Fears decides to make Ryan younger by bringing in Ben Affleck. Now he has to prevent a nuclear attack on a football game in Baltimore. This could also mean the destruction of Charm City Cakes! This is a quartet of films that should appease folks that want the theater experience with patriotic action.

    SQUISHHHHHHH

    Cool Whip now comes in an Aerosol can! What the hell took it so long to finally match the technology that’s given us the goodness of Reddi-wip? Now kids across America have a choose for their daily dosage of nitrous oxide.

    FLEEING THE PLANET

    George Carlin and Harvey Korman are dead. People are fleeing the earth because they know that something evil is coming down the turnpike. Every time I hear, “Rollerfucking,” I’ll think of Carlin. Anytime I want to hit Tim Conway, I’ll do it in memory of Korman.

    TURN IT UP

    My incompetent source at Fox News says that Rupert Murdoch is furious at a rumor that Time-Warner cable is lowering the master volume on Fox News to sway their elderly viewers to turn the channel to CNN. Rupes is already sending teams around the country to monitor the sound levels of CNN and Fox News on various cable systems.

  • Party Favors: Mannix Speaks!

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    partyfavors2008-06-03-1.jpgPALM SPRINGS – Can you believe that an article in the Washington Post can expose a problem and inspire a swift resolution? Last year Neely Tucker’s “Mannix Was the Man” questioned why this TV detective show wasn’t out on DVD. The story was picked up by numerous papers across the countries in the following week. Fans of the show wrote the studio demanding a Mannix fix. This groundswell of support has been rewarded with Mannix: The First season being released on June 3.

    In celebration of this moment, Mike Connors, who played Mannix for eight seasons, called up The Party Favors for an exclusive chat about cars, basketball and Neil Diamond. For a guy about to blow out 83 candles on his birthday cake, Connors sounds like he can still strap on his blazer and beat down a mystery.

    Connors is overjoyed that the media can positively motivate a Hollywood executive. “The article in the Washington Post talking about why there wasn’t a DVD started the whole ball rolling,” Connors says. He’s pleased with the studio’s recent treatment of Mannix, but still has a question. “I never got a straight answer as to why it wasn’t on DVD. I’m still not sure why it wasn’t, but it is now and that’s fine.”

    The article prompted the studio executives to included plenty of bonus features on the boxset instead of a barebones release of other ’70s detective shows. They even produced a fresh conversation between Connors and the man who played his boss in the first season.

    “I really enjoyed getting together with Joe Campanella and rehashing the old days,” Connors says. “And they were old days. I hadn’t seen Joe in a long time. He recalled some of the things I had forgotten. And I recalled a few things he’d forgotten. The bottom line is (the first season) never was much in reruns. They showed the last seven years because the premise was so different from a computer agency to a private agency.”

    Connors is excited about getting the DVD since he hasn’t seen these freshman season since they were originally broadcast in 1967. “I don’t remember hardly any of the stories. I’ve haven’t seen the episodes yet. I only saw one episode. I’m dying to see them because it will all be kinda new to me.” Connors and Campanella provide an audio commentary on “Another Final Exit.”

    partyfavors2008-06-03-2.jpgA lot of actor talk about how they can’t stand to see their movies. Connors sounds like an excited fan eager to snag the boxset. “I wasn’t crazy about watching myself at the time I was doing things. You look at it and you get despondent in that you should have done something different. You shoulda, coulda done it better. But now I look at it and say, ‘Wow! God, we were young in those days. Look at that: I’m running.’”

    While watching the pilot (“The Name Is Mannix”), Connors will also wince at the moments he received lifelong nagging injuries. “I dislocated my shoulder and broke my wrist. It was all worth it once the pilot got picked up. To this day my wrist hurts and my shoulder gets sore and stiff. It’s all coming back. All the injuries from all those years of doing stunts,” Connors sighs.

    Did the show’s budget afford a stuntman?

    “I had a very good stuntman, Dick Ziker. We would get together and decide how much I could do,” Connors declares. “We wanted the camera to be in close so that it would be much more believable if (the viewers) saw the actual actor doing the stunt. Without jumping off a cliff or driving a claw off a cliff, I would try to do as much as I could. Luckily I was fairly athletic and I could handle a lot of this stuff.”

    Did he join the stuntmen association having gotten banged up so much for the sake of the series?
    ?”No.”

    Like all great TV detectives, Mannix drove quite a few different boss cars in pursuit of closing a case. Did he ever think of buying a version of his TV car for driving around in his private life?

    “I never did,” Connors declares. “The first year we had an Oldsmobile Tornado. They didn’t have convertible. They got George Barris and he made that car into a convertible. It was the most unwieldy car that I’ve ever driven. I wouldn’t want it if they gave it to me. Later on we got into the little green (Plymouth Barracuda) convertibles. They were great little cars, but I had my fill of driving those on the show.”

    Fans of the show that might think twice before buying one of Mannix’s old cars if they intend on driving around the neighborhood.

    “I pity anyone who bought any of those cars,” Connors says. “They might have had two or three thousand miles on them, but every week they were in the shop being repaired.

    Mannix was produced by Desliu. The company was producing Mission: Impossible at the same time. Lalo Schifrin composed the iconic themes for both shows. How tight was he to crew that accepted those self-destructing assignments?

    “We were on the same lot and very often used the same sets,” Connors said. “Peter Graves and I had dressing rooms right next to each other. We’re very good friends. In fact I was out to dinner with him the other night.”

    Was there ever talk of a crossover episode? Did they discuss Mannix being a very special agent for the Impossible Missions Force? “No. Not really,” Connors says. “Some of the Mission: Impossible cast did guest shots on my show especially after their show went off the air a year ahead of mine.” Peter Lupus, Greg Morris and Barbara Anderson popped up needing Mannix’s help.

    Working on a Desliu production, did the producers ever use old Star Trek sets like they did on Mission: Impossible?

    “No,” Connors said. “Those were completely different type sets. Mission was a little more futuristic than our show so they could get away with some of that stuff in their stories.”
    ?The first season of Mannix was semi-futuristic. Intertect, the detective agency that employed him, used a massive computer fueled with punch cards to assist him on a case. Even Connors gets a laugh while watching the Jurassic technology in action.

    “They filled a whole wall with those computers. It was so completely different. I don’t think the public was ready to accept that computer premise. It was beyond belief of most people that a computer could be so intelligent.” The computer and Intertect only lasted this one season. The second season featured Mannix as a solo act who worked with his guts and fists.

    A Star Is Born

    How Mike Connors got into the acting game is an amazing story that involves an Oscar-winning director and the greatest college basketball coach of all time. It was on the hardwood of UCLA that Connors was discovered. But it took numerous bites before he realized his destiny was in front of the cameras.

    “That was the first time I got the idea that there was anything in the way of acting in my life,” he said. “William Wellman (director of The Ox-Bow Incident) was with his son at a UCLA basketball game. The coach introduced all the players to his son. After the game was over, Bill Wellman said to the coach, ‘Ask that kid if he’d be interested in being an actor.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, sure.’ He said, ‘The next time I do a picture, I’ll give you a call.’”

    Days later, the acting bug bit him again. His speech teacher who was head of the drama department at UCLA asked him to stay after class. “I’d like to ask you a question,” she said. “I’m having tryouts for some plays. Have you ever thought of trying out for a play?”

    “No,” Connors replied. “Not really.’

    Then fate stepped in. About two weeks later the coach says, “Ruth Birch called and wanted to know if there was an athlete here. They’re replacing Tarzan. I mentioned Will Wellman was interested in you.”

    Connors went to see Birch who said he wasn’t right for Tarzan but encouraged him to get into acting and set him up with a coach. “I started taking acting classes at UCLA. I gave up basketball to try and become an actor.” His try has lasted over 50 years including appearing on Two and a Half Men last season.

    Wellman lived up to his word. Connors soon found himself on the set of Island in the Sky alongside John Wayne.

    Who was the coach that chalked up Connors’ career direction?

    “My sophomore year, I played basketball during John Wooden’s first year,” Connors says.

    Being a Bruin alumni while having a hit network series gave Connors a good seat when UCLA was in full dynasty mode under Wooden.

    Was it a glorious time for him?

    “It was terrific,” Connors confirms. “As a matter of fact, Gail Goodrich and Kareem Abdul-Jabber guested on one of the Mannix episodes. We had a lot of fun doing little basketball bits.”

    For those poking around for Mike Connors’ name in UCLA basketball scorecards, you’ll have to look for Krikor Ohanian. That’s his real name. Although in his early films, you’ll see him listed as Touch Connors.

    How did he end up with such a strange stagename?

    “When I first became an actor, I was signed by Famous Artist Agency,” Connors explains. “One of the agents there was a man named Henry Wilson. He was responsible for Rock Hudson’s name, Rory Calhoun, Race Gentry and Tab Hunter.”

    So when Connors signed with the agency, they put him with Wilson who told him he had change his name. “Do you have any nicknames?” Wilson asked.

    Connors explained the guys at UCLA used to kid him about having a soft touch.

    “Touch!” Wilson exclaimed. “That’s it. You’re going to be Touch Connors!”

    “I hated it from day one,” Connors says.” The jokes were ridiculous. Here’s Touch and Go! They called my wife ‘Go.’ The minute I got the Tightrope series, I told them, I’ve got to change that name.” Thus Mike Connors became a TV star.

    Mannix had 194 episodes over its eight season run from 1967 to 1975. At what point did Connors realize that this show was going to last a while?

    “It was after the second year because our ratings started to climb,” Connors says. “The network was very happy with it. Each year the ratings got better. As a matter of fact, we would have been on another year if Paramount and CBS didn’t get into a disagreement because our ratings were still in the Top 20 when we went off the air. Paramount wanted to put reruns of Mannix on at 11 o’clock at night. CBS said, “No. Not as long as you’re on network first run. We’re not going to let you compete with the first run.’ Paramount said, ‘Well, we want to sell and get our money out of this thing.’ Paramount chose not to continue.

    “A year or two later it was a common practice to put a show on in reruns while it was still going in first runs.”

    One of the highlights of the first season boxset is Neil Diamond performing “Solitary Man” on “The Many Deaths of Saint Christopher.” How did the singer in the sparkling shirts end up on the set of Mannix?

    “The producer came to me and said, ‘You know Mike, we need somebody to play in a nightclub scene. My kids say there’s a young guy named Neil Diamond that’s very good.’ I said, ‘I’ve never heard of him, but whomever you want is fine with me.’ So Neil Diamond came on the set. He did a short number and I walked through the bar. And (the director) said, ‘That’s it we’re finished.’ Neil said, ‘What? You mean you hired me to work and that’s all I have to do on this show?’ He was furious. They came to me and asked me to calm Neil down. ‘He’s very upset.’ So I went over and said, ‘Neil, I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware of what went on. If I had known, I would have explained to you that it isn’t a major part in the show.’ He was very upset about it and left.

    “About three years later he was a the top of his career and doing a one man show at the Greek Theater. A friend of mine had tickets and we went to see the show. During the intermission, an usher came up to me and said, ‘Mr. Diamond would like you to come back after the show and be his guest and have a drink. The two ladies with us were: ‘Oh God, we want to meet him.’ So we went backstage. Neil came over and said, “Well, things are a little different now, aren’t they Mike?’ And I said, ‘Yeah. Congratulations, Neil.’ He wanted me back there to give a little zing.”

    As our conversation near the end, I ask about Gail Fisher. She joined the series during the second season to play his secretary, Peggy Fair. How was she received by the fans of the show at the time?

    “She was really accepted in a great way. The funny thing is the network didn’t want her to be on the show because they were worried what the South would do with a black actress on the show. Bruce Geller and I fought to get her on the show. We had to agree if there was a lot of bad mail, Geller would figure out a way to write her out of the show. The show became so popular and we got so many good letters about her that she went on to win the Emmy and be a big important part of the show.”

    Reports are that Paramount has already done High-Def transfers of the first three seasons. This is always a good indicator of what’s coming on DVD. With any luck, the second season should be out before Christmas.

    As we say goodbye, it feels good to know that soon Mike Connors would sit back in his favorite chair and watch Mannix knock back Scotches, kick ass and mock computers. He’ll be enjoying his show as much as the rest of us (like “Senator” Brad Honeycutt) who’ve waited so long for it to appear on DVD. The case of the Missing First Season has been solved.

    MANNIX TRIVIA

    Did you know that Tim Robbins is a major Mannix fan?

    THE DVD SHELF

    The Odd Couple: The Fourth Season brings us another 22 episodes of the best damn sitcom that wasn’t overplayed in syndication. The set up is simple with two roommates clashing over their lifestyle choices. Felix (Tony Randall) is an anal retentive, neatfreak. Oscar (Jack Klugman) is a blissful slob. Can they survive in a Manhattan apartment or is this the set up for a murder-suicide special. This fourth season brings quite a few guest stars. My childhood idol Wolfman Jack appears in “The Songwriter” while Oscar is giving his mallet to The Gong Show‘s Jaye P. Morgan. “The Exorcists” spooks Felix into swearing their air conditioner is possessed by a trapped spirit. Victor Buono (King Tut from Batman) has to help them release the ghost. “The Pig Who Came to Dinner” brings us Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs during their tennis match hype. “One for the Bunny” has Hugh Hefner playing himself when he was merely middle-aged. Felix is hired to photograph the Playboy Centerfold. The Fourth Season proves that The Odd Couple wasn’t even close to jumping the shark. Bring on the fifth and final season boxset!

    Hawaii Five-O: The Fourth Season shows us how Steve McGarrett (Jack Lord) kept the law in the tropical paradise. Mostly by intimidating them with his bold haircut. This was the final season of the original Five-O crew since Det. Kono Kalakaua (played by Zulu) was “transferred out” of the unit. This might be the worst career move in showbiz. Hawaii Five-0 continued for eight more seasons and Zulu didn’t have to do too much heavy lifting to pick up that paycheck. His final shift proved to be exciting with major crimes mixed with outlandish investigations. There’s a science fiction storyline in the two-part “The Ninety-Second War.” The evil Wo Fat has made a “clone” McGarrett as part of a fiendish plan involving Chinese missiles. The guest cast includes Roger C. Carmel (Star Trek‘s Harry Mudd), Tim O’Connor (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century‘s Dr. Huer) and Donald Pleasence (You Only Live Twice‘s Blofeld). Can McGarrett save the world from nuclear annihilation? McGarrett also keeps the mob out of Hawaii in “No Bottles….No Cans….No People.” You just don’t mess with the Five-O.

    The Fugitive: Season Two, Volume One continues the greatest man hunt in television history. Dr. Richard Kimble (David Janssen) stays one step ahead of Lt. Gerard (Barry Morse). Kimble isn’t merely fleeing from the law, but searching for the one-armed man who really killed Kimble’s wife. The highlight of the 15 episodes on this collection is “Escape Into Black.” The recently departed Ivan Dixon (Kinch on Hogan’s Heroes) plays a doctor treating a severely injured Kimble. He recognizes Kimble and thinks his fellow physician is guilty. A social worker at the hospital thinks he’s innocent. They battle over the fate of the woozy-headed Kimble. The One-Armed Man also appears in the story.

    7th Heaven: The Sixth Season is perfect viewing for when Ned Flanders drops by the estate. The only reason I even remember this show is Jessica Biel. From my encounters with minister’s daughters, I was expecting this show to have been a Showtime sensation. But she’s not nearly as hedonistic as my realities. For Season Six of the 7th, she moves back with her preaching father (Stephen Collins). It’s tame TV for those who think Gilmore Girls is a pit of sin.

    Holocaust was a major mini-series and now its out with a 30th Anniversary edition. The nearly 8 hour long show follows the Weiss family from their happy lives in Berlin to the concentration camps. The miniseries brought the Holocaust into the national dialogue when people spoke about World War II. A very young Meryl Streep and James Woods bring this chilling time to celluloid.

    National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets is better than the original for only one reason: Helen Mirren. What is it about Helen Mirren that makes me think she could lure me into a cave beneath Mount Rushmore? Nicolas Cage has to prove his great grandfather didn’t help kill Abraham Lincoln. He must find the mythical city of gold that supposedly the presidents have been hiding from us. Helen Mirren plays his mom who can read an ancient language. And this film claims the City of Gold isn’t where Indiana Jones found it in Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.

    Indiana Jones: The Adventure Collection is a new boxset of the first three films that’s out just in time for the new Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie. You can get each of the films separately. This means you can skip over Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Even after all these years, the film is such an amazing letdown. Raiders of the Lost Ark rocks. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is fun by merely having Sean Connery play Indy’s dad. They produced new documentaries for the DVDs. You’ll adore the examination of the melting faces from Raiders.

    Ringside Rivalries takes you back to that time when boxing was bigger than mixed martial arts. I can’t get into the whole UFC business because the two guys in the cage wearing those baggy swim suits remind me of drunk guys at the beach. Every time I turn on the UFC show on Spike, the UFC fighters are dry humping each other into submission. What’s the point of a bloodsport when it devolves into hardcore cuddling? Give me nostalgic boxing matches for power, pounding and personality. That’s what this DVD set does. Ringside Rivalries contains bouts featuring Jack Dempsey, Joe Louis, Rocky Graziano, Muhammad Ali and Joe Fraizer. Burt Randolph Sugar and his crew of experts establish the context and breakdown the various fights. Fans of Raging Bull should rejoice at the complete Jake LaMotta vs. Sugar Ray Robinson in Chicago fight. Gander at what Martin Scorsese recreated. There’s even vintage footage of Rocky Graziano breaking down the fight. For fans of Ali, there’s the complete Thrilla in Manila battle against Joe Fraizer. It’s knockout series for the punching fan.

    Strange Wilderness would have been a really great SciFi Channel original movie. A nature show is about to get canceled so the stoner crew pursue Bigfoot to capture ratings gold. The film gets bonus points for starring Ernest Borgnine and Joe Don Baker. McHale and Mitchell are a dynamic duo. You know what this film is missing? Pauly Shore. The comedy comes up a little short unless you get as stoned as the guy from the “I’m a Mac” commercials. This reminds me of MTV’s Wild Boyz. Strange Wilderness will be competing with Shrimp on the Barbie for time slots on Comedy Central.

    Mission: Impossible: The Fourth TV Season has Leonard Nimoy replacing Martin Landau as the master of disguise and magic tricks. Straight off the set of Star Trek, Nimoy attempts to overcome his old Spock haircut. They also had to replace Landau’s wife, Barbara Bain. Shame they didn’t use Lee Meriwether more in their revolving cast of female agents. The producers attempted to twist around the series by not having everything go according to Mr. Phelps’ plans. They even have a three part adventure. This fourth season is better than all three of Tom Cruise’s Mission: Impossible movies.

    Ballroom Bootcamp is TLC’s Dancing Without The Stars. Three couples intensively train to fancy dance for a competition. The bonus features include lessons on how to Jive, Cha-Cha, Waltz, Tango and Rhumba. It’s a sweet gift for your partner if they just can’t stop watching those dancing shows. Get off the couch and show me your Passa Doble!

    Muppet Show: The Complete Third Season has Liberace!!!! Can there be any greater reason to rush out and embrace this boxset? The greatest variety show of the ’70s hit its stride on these discs. Major stars were begging for a chance to show off their song and dance skills with the felt and furry. The big names include Sylvester Stallone, Roy Rogers, Loretta Lynn, Alice Cooper, Roy Clark and Gilda Radner. Raquel Welch’s opening number may inflict drooling. She is in her prime and slinking around in a very revealing outfit. Fozzie Bear won’t be the only one tongue-tied.

    Kenny the Shark, Volume 3: Catch a Wave sets a dangerous mindset that somehow a tiger shark can make a sweet family pet. This is an animated kids show that wants you to forget the lessons of Jaws. Remind your children that this is only a cartoon and they should never bring back stray sharks from the beach. Even if they don’t eat your family, they’ll cost a fortune in meat for their lunch. Does Purina make a Shark Chow?

    Walk All Over Me promises Leelee Sobieski in a corset. Sold! Grandma knows what she’ll be getting for Christmas this year. Unfortunately this is not merely Leelee strutting around in fetish latex for two hours. There’s a crime and double crossed loot. Poor Leelee finds herself in the middle of this chaos. Everyone thinks she’s holding the bag. The movie could have been so much better if it just focused Leelee becoming a full-time domme. What’s wrong with an old fashioned Education of Mistress Leelee flick? If you can stomach the crime plot, you’ll be pleased with her time in heels.

    Gomer Pyle USMC The Fourth Season is the year Duke went AWOL. But when Gomer loses a barracks buddy, he gains a girlfriend in crappy voiced Lou Ann. Will this woman bust up the unspoken bond between Gomer and Sgt. Carter? This season is best known for when Gomer goes to Washington D.C. to deliver a knock out performance of The Impossible Dream in his dress blues. Grandma loved that episode. There’s only one more season of Gomer left to be released. So get too watching, maggots!

    The Invaders: The First Season revives this cult show that never got any syndication action in my neighborhood. After reading about Invaders hype in SciFi books for decades, I feared the major letdown that came after watching Land of the Giants and Time Tunnel on DVD. However all the gushing of The Invaders fanatics is true. This is an engrossing series. David Vincent (Roy Thinnes) is an architect who sees a UFO landing one night. He quickly discovers that aliens are in the process of taking over the Earth. He tries his hardest to expose this fact without being written off as a nutjob by the mainstream media – which is controlled by aliens. Thinnes makes the show. He looks good when he’s extra paranoid. This is a tense drama that doesn’t rely on special effects. “Vikor” has Jack Lord as an industrialist who has made a deal with the aliens.

    Gunsmoke The Second Season, Volume 2 takes us back to Dodge City when it was only twenty six minutes in black and white. Here’s the final 19 episodes of the sophomore outing. “Bloody Hands” has Russell Johnson (the Professor from Gilligan’s Island) threaten Matt Dillon (James Arness) to a gunfight. This is still the time when Miss Kitty’s Saloon had an unspoken brothel upstairs. You don’t think those girls are hired to merely have drinks with the customers? The bonus features include the old cigarette promos with Arness saying, “Live Modern. Smoke L&Ms.”

    Rawhide The Third Season, Volume 1 returns us to the unending cattle drive. Clint Eastwood knows how to punch them doggies. Each week the drovers ran into another adventure along the trail. “Incident at Rojo Canyon” has Julie London and Bobby Troup pop up. Guess this is how they made their way west to work on Emergency! Woody Strode (Spartacus) rides high in “Incident of the Buffalo Soldier.” Proving that hard drugs at work are not a recent phenomenon, “Incident at the Top of the World” has a new drover that’s hooked on morphine. Robert Culp (I Spy) gets extraordinarily serious in his role. Another fine batch of tails from the trail.

    Cheers Season 9 has finally arrived. It’s been two years since season 8 came out. Season 9 was the year that Sam Malone regained his bar from the evil corporation. No more ferns in the best little booze joint in Beantown. “Cheers Foul Out” is my favorite of this batch. In order to win a basketball game against Gary’s Old Towne Tavern, Sam suckers Kevin McHale to be a ringer on the Cheers team. The Boston Celtic great looks good and loose while exchanging lines with the cast. There’s also the whole business of Rebecca getting married to her old boss. But what about her feelings toward Sam?

    Beverly Hills 90210: The Fourth Season lets the world’s oldest teenagers go to college. Brandon (Jason Priestly) turns out to be a big man on the new campus. Dylan (Luke Perry) is still a little bit troubled. This is best known for being the last full season with Brenda (Shannen Doherty). The Peach Pit gets expanded into a nightclub. Luke and Dylan’s sideburns are still sharp and impressive.

    The 4400: The Fourth Season is unfortunately also the final season. In the middle of the writer’s strike, USA network canceled the show. Luckily the final episode of this season works as a finale. We’re not left completely hanging about the future with these people with super powers in control. The nice part about this boxset is plenty of Summer Glau. The wife will watch anything with Summer on the screen. It’s a shame they couldn’t just move this series over to the Sci-Fi channel, but at least it didn’t completely gas out by going a season too far.

    Romulus, My Father has Eric Bana trying his best to prove Hollywood hasn’t destroyed his soul. He returns to Australia to take on the heavy role of a dad raising his son around his wife’s new boyfriend. Bana’s a cuckolded man. This isn’t quite a return to his master performance of Chopper. Franka Potente (Run Lola Run) doesn’t quite have enough of a devious streak for her wayward wife. This isn’t a happy film. Bana needs to do a project that lets him show his comic chops.

    The Adventures of the Young Indiana Jones: Volume Three, The Years of Change arrives just in time for the fourth film. This boxset contains the final batch of TV movies elaborating on the education and experiences of Indiana Jones. There’s plenty of World War I action along with early treasure hunts. Sean Patrick Flanery shines as the young Harrison Ford during these prequels. The bonus features are as entertaining as the films. For folks who aren’t quite sure about the historic characters and events, you’ll get educated fast. Documentaries that accompany “Hollywood Follies” will appeal to fans of early films. “Erich von Stroheim – The Profligate Genius” should have been a bonus feature on Sunset Boulevard. This is a gold standard for how a TV show DVD need to be presented.

    Sick Nurses brings a fetish dose of Asian nurses to the world of horror. Turns out a hospital in Thailand is doing evil things with the bodies. The young nurses on staff must pay a harsh deductible to an evil spirit. For those with a fetish for an Asian nurse on the toilet using a pregnancy test wand, you get your dream. It is nice to see that the folks in Thailand are closing the Gore-cinema gap with Japan and South Korea.

    ROGER WILKOS

    The Steve Wilkos Show is the best damn talkshow on TV. You might know him best as the bald head of security on The Jerry Springer Show. But he’s better than his boss when it comes to tearing into a screwed up guest. Wilkos is an ex-Chicago cop. He brings all his badge badgering skills to the show. He’s not going to take crap from any of his guests. He doesn’t back off when he senses that he can break a guest. He’s not there to make everything look pretty. He’s not Dr. Phil trying to spread cute Texan sayings as a balm for problems. “You’re damned right, I’m judging you!” Steve says. He’s a pitbull holding his own chain.

    There’s no need for security lurking around the set. Although half the time it seems like a guard might be needed to keep Steve from attacking his guests. During “I Burned My Baby,” a father is accused of abusing his child including burning her with a cigarette. Steve offers a Marlboro to the father. The father acts like he’s going to burn his own arm to understand what his daughter felt. Steve extends his arm and demands the father burn his arm. It’s a fierce moment. Think Oprah would stick her arm out to prove a point? Who can top Wilkos’ intensity? How about a matching of wills between Steve and Judge Mathis?

    The one thing this show lacks is a proper set. Why the post-industrial factory decay decor? Steve ought to be interviewing his guests in a confining interrogation room. We need to see these people cornered and sweating in a bullpen as Steve tears apart their denials. Forget saying that this is the best talkshow, now that The Wire is off that air: The Steve Wilkos Show is the best cop show on TV.

    Steve ought to be working in the White House press corp. “You’re getting back to me, now!” he’d scream at Dana Perino’s dodge. He ought to at least get to moderate a Presidential debate. Bet we’d get some truth out of those beauty contests with Wilkos between the candidates.

    TALKING IT TO NIPPON

    The Japanese version of Iron Chef is now running on the Fine Living Network. I enjoy this version since they had to make meals with shark fin, eel scrotums and oyster rectums. The American version on the Food Network is too easy with secret ingredients such as Milk, hamburger and Farmer’s Market. What could Bobby Flay possibly make using hamburger? Flay needs to see if he can make walrus noses into an ice cream worthy of Joel McHale.

    BLAH COMES IN PAIRS

    What’s the point of the cam-mob following Paris Hilton since her hook up with the other putz from Good Charlotte? He’s unleashed her inner-snore. Of all the upward screwing she’s done over the years, she settles for a guy whose band’s rise was linked directly to a major payola scandal. Couldn’t she scrogg it up with the singer from Ugly Kid Joe?

    I pride myself of only experiencing The Hills through clips shown on Best Week Ever and The Soup. But I can’t escape the faux-ality stars at the Supermarket checkout counter. Can some explain to me why the tabloid media cares about following the exploits of this Heidi and Spencer? You could pick two random people on a subway car and turn them into more compelling celebrities than this skank duo. They’re degraded the concept of “fame whores.” The Party Favors has contacted Bob Barker to see if he’ll pay to have Heidi and Spencer spade and neutered. We’re hoping Bob will just do the job himself. I’ll buy that issue of In Touch magazine.

    RAREST HEADLINE EVER

    Man collects millions of dollars from unsolicited foreign email!

    SET A COURSE TO LOVE

    Congratulations goes out to Brad Altman as winner of the biggest Star Trek geek of all time. How geeky is he? He’s marrying Sulu. Are they registered at Klingon and Barrel? Only way you’re going to top Brad is to find a bigamy town that will allow you to legally hook up with Kirk and Mr. Spock with a Romulan speaking minister. You’d have to be like that gal that almost “married” Tom Arnold and Roseanne. Why did I have to bring up that image? I’m sorry – especially for those who just puked up their lunch at the vision of a threesome with Tom and Roseanne. I’ve been assured that this is a ring of Hell.

    DINO DAZED

    Normally I avoid watching infomercials past the three minute mark. But I’m always in it for the long haul when they run The Best of the Dean Martin Variety Show DVD offer. I’d even consider buying these DVDs if they were complete season sets and didn’t cost a small fortune after you bought each volume for $29.99. I can get the entire three seasons of Gilligan’s Island for that price if I hunt around. So these highlights from the greatest hits package will suffice for now. Any clips of Raquel Welch are welcome on my TV. But like any infomercial, there’s got to be a completely annoying element. In this case it is Regis Philbin inflicting a “from the grave duet” with Dean. Does anyone really need to be reminded that Regis sings? Must he stamp on Dean’s “Babyface?”

  • Party Favors: Whither Werner?

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    DURHAM – After months of drought in this area, the clouds finally opened up and poured the entire weekend of the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival. The rain made for perfect weather to take refuge inside a movie theater all day and watch the truth on the big screen.

    The big films this year included Trouble the Water, Up the Yangtze and Man on a Wire. There was plenty of water inside and outside the Carolina Theater. Trouble the Water has home video shot of the New Orleans disaster as it happened. Kimberly and Scott Roberts show us exactly what went down in the Big Easy when the levees failed. Up the Yangtze also dealt with flooding, but this time it’s a damn project that will dam the Chinese river. Over two million people will be displaced. The footage is stunning and sad knowing soon it’ll all be gone in the name of making more cheap plastic stuff for Wal-Mart. Man on a Wire also deals with a place that’s gone. In 1974, Philippe Petit balanced for nearly an hour on a wire between the World Trade Center Towers. The film lets us know how this amazing stunt was pulled off. This is a powerful and entertaining trio of films that should be coming to a major city or college near you.

    I was asked not to publish reviews of Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and Glass: a portrait of Philip in twelve parts. So I won’t. It’s not like I’m holding back the secret of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Meth. Good Ol’ Charles Schulz was the same version that ran on PBS. The Schulz family really hates the film and there was a rumor that they wanted to stop the screening.

    Werner Herzog destroyed the myth of Germans being sticklers for quality control. He didn’t show up to introduce his Encounters at the End of the World. This turned out to be a good thing since the screening was a nightmare. A few minutes into the film, the HD image started to ghost. The problems grew to the digital image flaking and freezing up. The audio didn’t have any issues. But it became a burden to watch since constantly the beautiful shots of Antarctica’s underwater life went to hell. A small note to people who ship out their movies on cutting-edge technology: Send a back up copy. If Werner had included a DVD version of the film, all this could have been prevented. Sure it wouldn’t have been as pretty, but it would have been as frustrating an experience. Encounters was so rich as it showed what type of people spend their time at the South Pole. Herzog’s humor comes out as he deals with volcanoes and penguins. I’ll be rewatching Encounters when it comes on Discovery Channel HD. Shame Werner wasn’t in the theater cause I would have loved to see him go nuts in person.

    The true delight of the festival was Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story. Director Jeffrey Schwarz and his crew capture the legacy of one of cinema’s great showmen. Castle directed horror films such as Macabre, House on Haunted Hill, The Tingler, Thirteen Ghosts and Homicidal, but his ultimate genius was in the gimmicks he created to put butts in the seats. For Macabre he insured all the viewers for $1,000 if anyone dies of fright. House on Haunted Hill had Emergo – better than 3-D! And The Tingler had Perceptor! During the ’50s America’s youth went nuts for monsters with the Shock! movie package bringing Frankenstein and Dracula to TVs. Castle gave the kids a reason to flock to the movie theater to get their cinematic thrills and chills.

    Spine Tingler! gives us the directors that admired Castle including John Waters, John Landis and Joe Dante singing his praises. There’s plenty of vintage footage to take us back to that time when a man wanted to do more than ship a film to the theater. Castle looked thrilled to be around people flocking to see his films. While a lot of showbiz documentaries turn into depressing tales of downward excess, this movie is uplifting. Castle never directed a scary Monsterpiece, but he produced Rosemary’s Baby. He also lived for more than his movies. His family was extremely important to him and it shows as his daughters talk about him.

    A lot of people talk about the importance of seeing movies in theaters with an audience. Castle came up with amazing ways to make it a special event to see his films. After the documentary, the Full Frame folks ran a 35mm print of The Tingler. While they didn’t wire up Perceptor to the streets, Skip and Germaine from AVGeeks tossed stuffed Tinglers into the audience during the black out moment. Everyone had fun screaming along with the action.

    Schwarz said there’s no DVD in the works for Spine Tingler! If you want to know if the documentary is coming to you area for a festival screening, visit www.spinetinglermovie.com.

    HOW’S BUSINESS

    The highlight of Full Frame is the annual State of the Doc panel. Instead of having critics or filmmakers speculate, the roundtable group consisted of distributors who know what’s selling tickets. After several boom years with hits like Mad Hot Ballroom and Winged Migration, the documentary box office has taken a hit.

    Last year distributors had high hopes for In the Shadow of the Moon, Crazy Love and My Kid Can Paint That. None of the trio made March of the Penguins coin. What’s worse is that there are now twice as many documentaries receiving theatrical releases than at the start of the 21st century. The market is overwhelmed. The outlook for the moment is that theatrical release is merely a way to get a higher profile for the DVD release rather than a profit generating machine.

    Tom Quinn of Magnolia Films spoke of how Cocaine Cowboys was a flop theatrically by barely pulling in $60,000. But it’s moved more than 100,000 DVDs. Plus it was a major hit on XBox Video On Demand. This has allowed the company to produce Cocaine Cowboys 2. Quinn promises more in the series if the response continues. The title appeals to the fans of Miami Vice, Scarface and Grand Theft Auto.

    Greg Kendall of Balcony recounted how King Corn‘s producers were selling the DVDs while the film was in the theaters. This allowed people across the country that weren’t near the theaters to see the film after reading the big city reviews. They also did brisk business renting the film for small group non-theatrical screenings. He mentioned how people wanted to set up private screenings rather than have their group wander over to the nearby art house running the documentary. There are plenty of people concerned about how corn has overtaken our diet and economy.

    The ability for people to watch full length films on the internet has helped small films reach more eyeballs. Thomas Zadra of Red Envelope, Netflix’s DVD company, sees film fans enjoying this new delivery system. He stated that DVDs of Helvetica, the font documentary, has been sent out to 60,000 subscribers and that 60,000 subscribers have clicked Watch Now. The sad news for traditional Mac users is that the Watch Now function is nowhere in sight. Damn you, Steve Jobs! While Zadra won’t say anything, it does sound like Jobs is restricting Safari to keep it iTunes turf.

    For those thinking of getting into the documentary world, the panel’s simple tips were: Take plenty of hi-res stills for the publicity kit. Make sure you can afford to license the music on your soundtrack. Shoot in True HD because that’s what the cable channels want. When you send your documentary to people, put your name and phone number on the actual DVD disc.

    The big thing that came from the talk was that the lessons of William Castle must be put to use. Be special when marketing your specialized film. For the first weekend, you might want to be at the screening. Make the audience know there’s a reason they must come out that weekend and not put off coming down to the cinema. Your film can be yanked after a few empty seat screenings. And don’t dream you’ll be making Michael Moore cash off your film. Be realistic about your subject, budget and box office unless you have tons of penguins in the film.

    WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    While hanging outside Full Frame in the plaza, I spot a husky guy in an expensive suit with bright almost white hair. “What’s Ric Flair doing at a documentary film festival?” As the guy gets closer and I get excited at meeting the Nature Boy one more time, I realize it’s actually Phil Donahue. Was I disappointed. Even worse was he didn’t have Marlo Thomas with him. I was hoping to ask for her memories of the Impeccable Hair of Ted Bessell. Phil was at the Festival to promote his movie Body of War.

    DVD SHELF

    Now the actors are going to go on strike? No!!! There’s no reason to give up watching DVDs since this “new season” will only last a few weeks.

    Cloverfield is like Godzilla attacking the set of Gossip Girl. We’re watching home video footage of a Manhattan party full of vapid kids when out of nowhere a giant monster rampages across the city. It’s an interesting twist on the Giant Monster on the rampage movie since we don’t cut all over the city to show to cover the action. The attack is more intimate when seen through camcorder’s lens. It’s just kids trying to survive the disaster. The little monsters in Cloverfield are especially creepy. You’ll enjoy getting to freeze frame and slo-mo the monster scenes.

    Matlock: The First Season means my Uncle Bill will no longer have to worry about when his favorite lawyer is on TV as he travels around the globe. Matlock allowed Andy Griffith to be a Southern lawyer for nine seasons. This first season sets up his law firm. Unlike Sheriff Andy Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show, Matlock doesn’t work for cheap. He also has a lawyer daughter (Lori Lethin) to help him on the cases. His main private investigator (Kene Holliday) brought youth to the show as he hustled for clues and cash. He adds a little comic relief, but he’s no bumbling Barney Fife. The two part episode “The Don” has Griffith tangle with William Conrad. It’s Cannon vs. Matlock! When I visited retirement communities, Matlock was always on TV. This is the perfect gift for the AARP member in your life.

    Perry Mason: 50th Anniversary Edition is a sampler of special episodes along with plenty of bonus features. There’s nothing from Seasons 1 & 2 so dedicated fans of the legal mastermind won’t be double dipping. The special guests in the episodes include Burt Reynolds, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Redford, Bette Davis and Adam West. The bonus features include the original screen tests. Thrill to the sight of Raymond Burr playing D.A. Hamilton Burger. They also have William Hopper auditioning to be Perry Mason. What a different show this could have been. They also have the comeback movie of the week Perry Mason Returns. The biggest shocker is a 22 year old interview Burr did with Charlie Rose to promote the show. Charlie Rose doesn’t age. The entire cast ends up on Stump the Stars. For those who’ve enjoyed the first two seasons on DVD, this is a treasure chest of bonuses.

    Melrose Place: Season 4 opens when Marcia Cross blew up the apartment complex. The strange thing is that in the aftermath of this disaster, she moves into the rebuilt place. But who watched Melrose Place for logic? This was the fourth of seven seasons so the insanity just keeps on coming over the 32 episodes packed in the boxset.

    Sabrina the Teenage Witch: The Complete Animated Series is not the animated version of the Melissa Joan Hart series. This is the original comic book version of Sabrina that was part of The Archies universe. I remember a TV minister’s nasty rant about how Archies comics were a gateway to Satanism because of Sabrina. Did anyone get the urge from watching Jughead to sacrifice goats? The Sabrina episodes are cute with her secretly using her magic to solve problems. The Groovie Goolies is already out on DVD in case you want to double feature them like CBS did on Saturday mornings in 1970.

    Laverne and Shirley: The Fourth Season brings more fun from America’s favorite brewery workers. Laverne and Shirley are still living in the basement. They still hang around the Pizza Bowl. As a man, I watch this series for the golden moments from Lenny and Squiggy. How come these two guys didn’t get more action from the ladies? They had real jobs and cool jackets. The freakish episode of the season is “The Feminine Mistake” with Laverne having the hots for a co-worker played by Jay Leno. This explains why Leno pursued the Tonight Show instead of Oscar glory. Leno’s chin is in prime form with his supporting Elvis sized sideburns.

    Surviving Motherhood: Your Guide to Being a Mom is the perfect gift if you’ve discovered that way too many of your friends are knocked up. Over the course of 13 episodes, your expectant parent pals can understand that they’re going to turn into nutcases. Sleep deprivation and lack of adult time is clearly covered in this series.

    What Not to Wear: Mom Makeovers Clinton Kelly and Stacy London perform missionary work in the world of stretch pants and sweatshirts. Can these frumpy moms get a wardrobe makeover that will make their children proud? Or at least have their kids’ friends utter the MILF line?

    Meerkat Manor: Season Two avoids the sophomore navel gazing found in a majority of reality shows. The Meerkats don’t reflect of their newfound fame. They’re the same frisky critters living Kalahari Desert. They’re not partying with Brody Jenner or getting tattoos on L.A. Ink. They’re just Meerkats doing their best to survive. It’s more real than The Hills.

    Growing Up Wildcats has nothing to do with kids in Kentucky. It’s a four part series about how lions, tigers, cheetahs and black leopards mature. They are so cute when they are cubs. These are a lot more involved than those old 16mm educational films they’d project in third grade.

    FROM WOODSTOCK TO PUMPS

    Anyone else shocked at seeing Carlos Santana pimping his line of women’s shoes at Macys? Who knew that the man who rocked the world with “Black Magic Woman” secretly aspired to be Ed Bundy? What’s next from the dinosaurs of rock? Brian Wilson’s discount mattresses? Keith Richards’ blood thinner? Shane MacGowan’s teeth whitening strips? Mike Love’s douchebag? Fred Durst’s ball waxing kit? Kevin Federline’s condoms?

    HIRING MORONS

    What part of Gordon Ramsay’s contract with Fox had him surrender his integrity? The new season of Hell’s Kitchen is barely a few episodes old and it’s a disasterpiece. Are we really supposed to believe any of these people are deserving of being an Executive Chef at Ramsay’s latest restaurant? I wouldn’t let these people work a nacho stand at a cock fight. They’ve had two dinner services that completely fell apart.

    I can find 15 interesting people in the restaurant business that can make Beef Wellington and risotto in their sleep. These people are pathetic on a Jessica Simpson level. Why would you want to eat at a restaurant knowing these spastic fools are supposedly running the kitchen? Is Ramsay setting up a pigeon for the new season of Kitchen Nightmares? The winner should be given a gift certificate to Pizza Hut and told to never go inside a working kitchen.

    If any of these people showed up at Ramsay’s office looking for a job, would he have hired them to clean toilets or peel potatoes? None of these people deserve this lofty prize.

    WHY SO GREY?

    Over the last few years I’ve noticed video companies and Netflix have gone with gray paint on their DVD discs instead of full color artwork. Thomas Zadra of Red Envelope said that the gray DVDs have a lower breakage rate at Netflix. So now you know.

    RUPES HATES KATIE

    Why is Rupert Murdoch going out of his way to make life hard on Katie Couric? First he has his new toy, the Wall Street Journal write a rumor filled article about how CBS is ready to oust her. Then he gets the talking heads at Fox News to keep repeating this article with the Wall Street Journal as their sole source since Fox News doesn’t like to gather real facts cause reporters cost money. What did Katie do so wrong to Rupes? Was he upset when she didn’t poke his colon at a fundraiser?

  • Party Favors: Totally Pauly

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    pauly-01.jpgENCINO – They call him the Weasel! And he finally called the Party Favors.

    After nearly twenty years since Pauly Shore decimated MTV with his Totally Pauly, he dialed up the Dynamite Massage hotline for a brief chat about his Pauly Shore: Natural Born Komics Sketch Comedy Movie: Miami DVD. This follow up to Pauly Shore Is Dead has him spoofing various reality shows. He also does a Scarface sketch with Steven Bauer as Manny.

    The most controversial of the sketches is his impersonation of John McEnroe as a guest star on To Catch A Predator. He has the tennis superstar demanding young women “goober my balls.” Seeing how John is not exactly known as a guy who takes a joke with a hearty laugh, has Pauly heard from McEnroe or his representatives?

    “I’m sure I will. I’m sure I’ll hear from everyone,” Pauly said. He didn’t seem scared about the consequences of making the hotheaded Wimbledon champ the star of NBC’s hottest show. “It turns me on comedically to go to unsafe territory. I’m not Jerry Seinfeld.”

    We joked about how MSNBC has 24 hour marathons of To Catch A Predator. Does he get sucked into watching the creeps arrive at the house with their teddy bears and condoms? “I watched it when it first came out. Now I’m bored of it. Now it’s its own sitcom,” Pauly declared.

    The discussion turned to Predator‘s host, Chris Hansen. We joked about how Chris almost seems heartbroken when the sexual predators aren’t happy to see him instead of the promised 14 year old boy. In this era of public crusaders turning into perverted culprits (like Eliot Spitzer who busted all those call girl rings, but didn’t mind using their services) is there a potential scandal brewing behind Hansen’s own kitchen door? “It’s almost like he’s getting turned on,” Pauly described the host’s confrontations before the cops apprehend the potential child molesters.

    Another segment in the show is “Spunk’d” where Pauly twists around MTV’s now canceled Punk’d. We joked about how Ashton Kutcher’s new Pop Fiction series plays with “Spunk’d.”

    “I did it first. He stole that idea from me. They all steal from me, but that’s OK,” Paul joked. “What’s he doing on his show is basically what I did on my show which is the opposite of Punk’d. His (series) is a celebrity punking the paparazzi. Mine is a celebrity punking the average person.”

    Pauly has a valet fooled into thinking a thief has stolen Charlie Murphy’s car. The stunt goes into overdrive when the fake cops discover Charlie’s stash, but he goes state’s evidence against the valet. Pauly was amazed at how well the stunt worked on the valet. “We got him good. He was crying.”

    Pauly swears that over the last decade the swarms of paparazzi photographers swarming Los Angeles has skyrocketed. I joked that the digital revolution has made being a photographer so easy that the folks who used to panhandle the stars are now stalking them with a camera to make a fast buck.

    “I wonder how much a picture of Pauly Shore gets them. It couldn’t be that much,” Pauly pondered.

    pauly-02.jpgWhile Natural Born Komics spoofs reality shows, Pauly is a veteran of the genre. Minding the Store dealt with him running The Comedy Store. How real was the reality on the show?

    “No reality shows are reality,” Pauly declared. “The only one was the Tom Sizemore show where he’s doing crack on the side of the road. Reality shows are based in reality, but it would be horrible to continually shoot someone with no plan. You got to have some sort of structure.”
    ?Reality shows are the new version of the sit-com except it doesn’t require true comic timing and a studio audience. During our chat we figure the father of this new “realiticom” was Larry David with his improvising “real moments” using a plot outline.

    “I think Curb Your Enthusiasm did a good job of a reality kinda sitcom” Pauly said. He hears the pitches of potential star based reality shows. “Everyone is like ‘It’s like Curb.’ No it’s not. Curb is good.”

    Does Pauly have any interest in using a reality show to find a new party pal like Paris Hilton is doing? “No. If they’re going to be my party pal, we’re just going to be watching TV. We’re not going to be really doing anything.” Although sitting back and relaxing with Pauly while watching the widescreen action would be a fun evening. Wonder if he has the missing Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp episodes? They could have a challenge of figure out the remote.

    Although speaking of actors who come off as apes barely dressed as human; how freakish was Andy Dick when he co-starred with Pauly while making In the Army Now? Was Andy always as insane or has it built over the years?

    “I think it definitely has built. When I had him, I had him directly before he became weird. Everyone I work with always turns weird. (After making Bio-Dome,) Stephen Baldwin found Jesus. Andy Dick lost his mind. I probably have something to it,” Pauly conceded.

    While critics and academics scoff at Pauly’s cinematic legacy, there’s plenty of women who secretly embrace Son-in-Law as a guilty-pleasure movie. I know one lady who lists it in her Top 10 next to Dirty Dancing and Ever After. “It’s one of those movies that plays and still holds up. It has a lot of heart. It’s a funny movie with great characters. It was a joy to work on. I’m happy that she amongst others are enjoying it. It’s one of those movies that people just enjoy.”

    Did his time on location entice Pauly to start up a farm? “Oh no. I’m a city slicker.”

    Occasionally you’ll see Pauly Shore appear amongst the guests at Playboy Mansion parties. What’s it like when he enters the house of Hugh Hefner and The Girls Next Door? “It’s like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate House of Pussy,” Pauly described. The curious mind has to ask about the action in the infamous Grotto. Is it still the watery home to debauchery? “Things don’t really go on in there as much. People go in there as a tourist site. People just stare at it instead of participating in it,” Pauly said.

    How sad. James Caan must be crying at this news.

    Pauly’s hoping to make a second Natural Born Komics movie in Las Vegas. A project he’s currently putting together is Pauly Shore Adopted in which he tries to follow the lead of Madonna and Angelina Jolie. You can follow the progress at Paulyshoreadopted.com.

    As Pauly Shore enters his third decade in showbiz, he’s still as wild as ever. You can’t stop the weasel.

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    FRIENDLY FESTIVAL

    The Full Frame Documentary Film Festival serves up another healthy dose of truthful filmmaking from April 3-6 in Durham NC. Unlike Sundance, you won’t have to stand in a blizzard praying they have enough seats for you after Paris Hilton’s entourage hordes the best views. It’s just a fine dose of Southern Hospitality in the city that brought you Bull Durham. Plus they serve BBQ near the lobby!

    There are three biographical films screening this year that I’ll be doing my best to see. Glass: a portrait of Philip in twelve parts is directed by Scott Hicks. You might remember his last movie about a pianist called Shine. It’ll be interesting to see how he captures live piano action. Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson focuses on the man who made “Fear and Loathing” a buzz word for reaching political truth through the help of pharmaceuticals. Johnny Depp reads Hunter’s works. Good Ol’ Charles Schulz looks at the man who drew Peanuts for 50 years. I’ll attempt to ask the director if he ever found out what happened to Sherman? Did Patty get pissed off when Peppermint Patti arrived on the scene?

    This year’s career award goes to William Greaves. They’ll be screening quite a few of his films including Ralph Bunche: An American Odyssey and Symbiopsychotaxiplasm: Take One. Is Symbiopsychotaxiplasm covered under Blue Cross? The big opening night film is Trumbo. The documentary mixes actors reading the blacklisted screenwriter’s scripts with testimonials.

    If you’re in the area, drop by Full Frame. For more info such as parking visit www.fullframe.org. This is the friendliest film festival in America.

    DVD SHELF

    Father Knows Best: Season One shocks with its purity. How often do you turn on a family sitcom only to be barraged by tons of sex jokes? What do we expect with Charlie Sheen playing a “dad?” But once there was a time in America where parents didn’t talk about sex or drugs or even cussing. Robert Young and Jane Wyatt never worried about improving their orgasms during dinner conversation. The kids weren’t smoking dope and taking Prozac. Nobody feared child predators raping their youngest via internet seduction. Dad lit up a cigarette and nobody complained about cancer. Father knew best because there was no worst lurking outside.

    The masters used on this Shout! Factory release came from Robert Young’s estate. This unfortunately means that only half of the episodes are their original running length. What’s amazing is “24 Hours in Tyrantland.” This special episode was to promote buying savings bonds. Dad decides to teach the kids the meaning of freedom by adopting the Soviet mindset. He breaks their souls. There’s also new interviews with the daughters, Elinor Donahue and Lauren Chapin. Father Knows Best is a nostalgic good time for people who want a moment of unreality.

    Sweeny Todd gives you a great idea of what Edward Scissorhands: The Musical will look like on Broadway. This was the most bloody musical of the year since Hairspray played it safe by removing the song “Baltimore, City of Grizzly Murders.” Don’t show this to small children in the hopes that they’ll embrace musical theater. Johnny Depp plays the title role of a demon barber who gets his revenge on London by giving them an extra close shave. Helena Bonham Carter helps dispose the bodies and make a tidy profit. The Two-Disc Special Edition features a full disc of behind the scenes featurettes. Learn all the movie magic that went into the meat pies.

    There Will Be Blood is Daniel Day-Lewis going into overdrive as a pioneer in the oil drilling business. There’s more to the film than the “I drink your milkshake” catchphrase. Day-Lewis is just shocking as he nearly explodes on the screen. It’s an intense experience. You might lose a filling as he confesses in church. Paul Dano continues his career as becoming the next John Cazale. The two DVD set includes “The Story of Petroleum,” a silent documentary from 1923. There’s also plenty of little bonus shorts dealing with the production and a few deleted scenes. Before you play this disc, go down to Hardee’s for a real milkshake.

    NO ONE ESCAPES

    Ivan Dixon passed away. Even though he went on to have a very successful career as a director of hour long dramas, he’ll always be Sgt. Kinchloe on Hogan’s Heroes to me. He was the radio operator that spent plenty of time in the tunnels beneath Stalag 13.

    Dixon was part of a trio of actors who redefined the role of black males on TV. He, Greg Morris on Mission: Impossible and Mod Squad‘s Clarence Williams III made middle America understand they didn’t have to fear minorities in the office.

    If you get a chance, witness Dixon’s amazing work in Nothing But a Man.

  • Party Favors: Hello Colin Farrell

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    DUBLIN, IRELAND – According to creepy sources, Colin Farrell is addicted to googling his name to see what people are saying about him.

    With that news, we at Party Favors say, “Hello Colin Farrell!” We’d also like to know when you plan on returning the 17 cigarettes, five shots of the good stuff and two “those things” that you borrowed from us.

    WHAT FILMS HAVE YOU MADE?

    There should be extra excitement in announcing that a documentary I helped produce is playing this year’s New Directors / New Films at New York City’s Lincoln Theater and the MOMA. But I was shafted. My screen credit was buried beneath the “people who were interviewed, but didn’t appear on camera” thanks to a little lying bitch of a director. I’m not going to beg you to see the film. Since the little lying bitch director thinks my contribution to his vision is that insignificant, he gets no love from the Party Favors. I’m not even going to name this drama queen since he’s that pathetic. The little lying bitch of a director still owes me.

    HASN’T HE DONE THIS BEFORE?

    What’s so unusual about Steve-O being on suicide watch? Isn’t his entire career all about doing suicidal stunts that we watch? Hasn’t enough of his self-destructive ways been documented and exploited in the Jackass movies? Reports have his friends shocked to see burns on his arms like he was putting out cigarettes on his flesh. Really? Like? Did any of his close friends not see him shoot bottle rockets out of his rectum? His friends thought nothing was wrong when Steve-O repeatedly stapled his scrotum to his thigh? Or that he made ads for gum by swallowing dirt? Are those the actions of a truly sane man? Do people list those activities on their applications to work at the Post Office?

    The man has made millions doing crap that the average kid’s mother would declare, “Are you trying to kill yourself?” Why did his family and friends let him get away with this crap? And why did they really have to make it stop now? Maybe it is callous to not be concerned for Steve-O, but his “art” isn’t based off doing sensible things. Did Johnny Knoxville and the Jackass family decide it was time to stage an intervention when Steve O destroyed his apartment and posted the footage online without any chance of making money off the carnage? Heaven forbid Steve O. has a suicidal moment that isn’t pay-per-view. Judging from reports on the various substances Jackass members abused during their 24 hour marathon takeover of MTV, the whole crew needs to be cleaned up. Doesn’t Viacom perform piss tests on their talent?

    After Steve O was admitted to the hospital, a health professional declared the reality star as bi-polar. Any PSY 101 survivor could diagnose that after two episodes of Wildboyz. The nice thought is that if Steve-O is cured, we’ll have one less reality star clogging up the cable box. Or does this merely mean one more resident on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab 2? We never win…do we?

    DVD SHELF

    The writers strike might have ended, but that doesn’t keep me from being hypnotized by shiny silver discs. There’s plenty of goodness on the DVD shelf.

    Kite Runner deals with two boys growing up in Afghanistan before the Soviets invaded. Amir’s father is rich and his friend Hassan’s dad work on the estate. The two bond as a kite fighting team. Unfortunately an ugly moment splits up their friendship. Amir and his father escape to America after the Soviet tanks roll into Afghanistan. Even in sunny California, Amir is haunted by the dark secret about what happened to Hassan. He must find his kite fighting partner. While this seems like a children’s movie with the kite action, but it’s really for adults. This film can be nightmare inducing to an elementary school student. As Amir’s father, Homayoun Ershadi strikes a compelling figure on the screen. Strange that he wouldn’t land a few Best Supporting Actor nominations.

    The film flips between a variety of languages so there’s plenty of subtitle action. Is it complete blasphemy for wishing they had created an English dub track? In the film, the two kids go to a theater to see The Magnificent Seven. Charles Bronson doesn’t talk in English on their screen. If the kids don’t watch subtitled films, why should we? Why can’t we have the dub option on the DVD. It gets annoying to go from listening to the film to reading it without much warning.

    Bee Movie is perfect for those needing their Seinfeld fix. An animated bee gets upset when he discovers that humans are stealing honey. He goes to court to stop the honey industry (including Ray Liotta) from their evil practices. He learns a hard lesson about how exploiting bees is good for the eco-system. Patrick Warburton is pitch perfect in the role of the frustrated human who finds his woman emotionally involved with an insect. It’s nice to have Puddy and Jerry swapping lines even if it is through CGI mouths. The film deserves a Colbert Seal of Approval since it attacks the honey industry’s “friendly bear” lies. There’s plenty of live action weirdness as bonus material on the discs. You get the “TV Juniors” hosted by Seinfeld that aired last year on NBC. These shorts give us a comical look at what goes into making an animation film. There is also footage of Jerry’s historic bee flight at Cannes.

    Enchanted is your best bet to make your woman feel special during the NCAA tourney. Surprise her with the DVD and announce, “If I was really ignoring you for college basketball, would I have remembered this?” Then send her off to watch it on the bedroom TV. You need the big set to take in the hard court action. Enchanted has Princess Giselle (Amy Adams) fall into the harsh reality of Manhattan by her Prince’s evil stepmother (Susan Sarandon). She survives in the city by hooking up with a divorce lawyer (Patrick Dempsey) and his daughter. Fans of The Wire will be delighted to see Sen. Clay Davis (Isiah Whitlock Jr.) as a client. Since this is a Disney film, he has to refrain from his trademark word so you might not recognize him. Sarandon is a perfect evil stepmother. I’d bite her apple. Enchanted ultimately marks the complete Disney-fiction of New York City as the Big Apple becomes the new Magic Kingdom. For all the time the character roam through Times Square, not once to they encounter any of the Disney films that are now stage shows on Broadway. Amy Adams is wonderfully flighty in the role. For all the mushy talk about true love, there’s a great scene where rats, pigeons and roaches clean an apartment. I wish my rats could wash dishes.

    South Park: Imaginationland is a three episode story arc about Cartman’s burning desire to have Kyle suck his balls. There is more talk about ball sucking than any DVD not starring Jeff Stryker. Beyond the constant talk about ball sucking, the subplot is terrorists have decided to invade “Imaginationland.” It’s the home of all cartoon creatures of our youth. The terrorists bust down the wall between the good and evil sides of the kingdom. There will only be nightmares for us. Although I don’t quite get why Count Chocula is on the nice side of the barrier. He’s a vampire with fangs! How is that not evil? The most evil of the animated characters turn out to be the Woodland Critters. There’s also the return of Al Gore’s dreaded Manbearpig. The boys have to liberate the good side of Imaginationland before the government nukes it. Prepare to be overwhelmed by this three episodes that riff off Lord of the Rings and Stargate when we’re not being overwhelmed with Cartman’s ball sucking desires. As a bonus, they’ve included “The Woodland Critter Christmas” and “Manbearpig” so in case you missed those episodes you won’t be out on the jokes.

    The Wild Wild West: The Fourth Season wraps up one of my favorite Western series. This show brought together the rugged cowboy with the sleek super agent. Robert Conrad was a true TV stud in the role of James West. The man could hunt down evil villains and hook up with hot women without falling off his horse. Ross Martin plays fellow Secret Service agent Artemus Gordon. This fourth season wasn’t good for Ross as real health problems kept him off several episodes. Fans of Gilligan’s Island will rejoice while watching “The Night of Sabatini’s Death.” Alan Hale Jr. (The Skipper) is West’s temporary partner. As an added bonus Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III) is part of the mystery. Guess Bob Denver was busy that week. The only letdown of the final season is that there was only one episode featuring Dr. Loveless. Hopefully in the future they’ll release the two reunion movies. But for now I’m thrilled to have all the episodes on the DVD shelf.

    The Untouchables: Season 2, Volume 1 reminds us that without Eliot Ness, America would have been completely controlled by Al Capone and Frank Nitti. Robert Stack had the ultimate law and order attitude when he put on Eliot Ness’ three piece suit of justice. “The Big Train” is a two hour special about how Ness created Alcatraz. Do not use that as an answer on your history exam. “The Rusty Heller Story” allows Elizabeth Montgomery to twist everyone around her pinky. “Jack ‘Legs’ Diamond” has Steven Hill ventilate a trucker while dancing around his jealous mob comrades. If you like Prohibition era gangster action, The Untouchables keeps the goodness brewing.

    Becker: The First Season contains Ted Danson’s big TV comeback after Cheers. Ted took a role that put him in the one place ex-Redsox Sam Malone would never reside: The Bronx. In the shadow of Yankee Stadium lurked Dr. John Becker. Instead of being a sweet doctor in the Marcus Welby M.D. school, Becker is a pain in the ass to everyone. He also has no luck with the ladies. There’s no confusing this show with Cheers. He’s a brilliant blowhard with a soft gooey center that he reserves for those special moments. He was Larry David before Curb Your Enthusiasm hit HBO.

    PRESIDENTIAL TRIVIA

    What Presidential candidate be hounded by the press over the rumors that I have stayed overnight in their daughter’s apartment?

    Answer: The one who avoids me giving the answer by smartly appointing me to be Ambassador to Hawaii. Since Hawaii is a state, it’ll avoid any chances of me causing an international incident. Thus the answer can be “win-win” if you play my game, future president. My job would be to oversee construction of the giant Don Ho and Jack Lord statues over Honolulu.

    IFCEE YOU LATER

    Is the programmer at the Independent Film Channel wondering why there’s one less subscriber to his station? IFC is no longer on my cable box because he decided to schedule Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Why do I need to pay extra for a channel that’s going to run the same crap as TBS? He might argue that Austin Powers is somehow as indie as John Cassevete’s Killing of a Chinese Bookie, but I’m not listening. Ya baby. If Austin is Indie, that means Lord of the Rings is also an indie product from New Line (part of the Time-Warner family). Maybe if Austin Powers was made when New Line was merely owned by Ted Turner, I’d almost give you a second chance. But Ted sold New Line (along with his other holdings to Time-Warner in 1995. That’s before Mike Myers went into production, baby.

    What is the point of pushing a channel that supposed to appeal to the art house crowd with the Fembots and Shagular? What’s next? Big Daddy and The Wedding Singer? Why not run a Chuck Norris marathon? He’s got more f’n indie cred with all his Cannon titles produced by Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan than Mike Myers.

    You want to pander to the multiplex masses; do it on your own dime, IFC. Why not start running House of Payne and Frank TV to beef up your ratings?

    I feel bad at yanking IFC since they did run Split Screen which featured a few short documentaries I made including this one:

    But that was years ago. Now IFC seems to be as mission-less as BBCAmerica with their rerunning the American version of Dancing with the Stars. And don’t get cocky, Sundance Channel. I’m not swapping over. The Iconoclasts series is worthless. Do we really need to see an hour long tongue bath between two famous personalities? “You’re the genius!” “No. You’re the genius.” “Tell me about your genius!” “You’re genius is in your asking me about my genius cause I’m not nearly the genius you are.” What was the point of having Mario Batali eat with Michael Stipe and his vegan pals? So you guys could have Bono appear in the channel? I want to eat Mario’s meat. That didn’t come out right.

    SORRY SWAYZE

    Last column I joked about how the Oscars needed to have a psychic predict what movie stars will be dead before the next ceremony. Little did I predict that Patrick Swayze’s cancer would dominate the headlines.

    When I was a single guy, Patrick Swayze didn’t mean that much. Sure we’d get liquored up and watch Road House and Red Dawn, but it wasn’t done out of pure hero worship. He wasn’t the American Sonny Chiba. Upon being married, you legally have to share custody of the remote control with your wife. Swayze becomes your secret drinking buddy during these helpless times. Ladies like to watch Dirty Dancing no matter what channel is running it, what time it comes on and the last time they saw it. Once Baby pops up on the screen, you’re viewing day has been decided for the next two hours. That’s when find respect for Swayze as an actor. He’s much better company than Freddie Prinze Jr. You also get to see Swayze in Ghost and To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. The ladies love those films. Remember not to get drunk while watching Dirty Dancing with your woman cause you might accidentally say, “Honey, if you really wanted a threesome with two guys, and me and the other guy didn’t have to touch, I wouldn’t mind Patrick Swayze joining us.”

    If you have a chance, send some love to the Swayze to help him recover. Just don’t let him know that you told your wife about the threesome weirdness cause he might not understand that you were really drunk when told her about that. Damn you, Charles Shaw!

    Also if you have some extra love, drop it in an envelope to Sydney Pollack. The director of Tootsie isn’t doing well according to my sources. His Sketches of Frank Gehry was really good documentary. I’m looking forward to seeing him make more non-fiction films or any film that isn’t The Interpreter 2.

    TAKE THE BALD GUY BOWLING

    I’m hooked on ESPN’s PBA coverage. Who isn’t down with Rhino Page when he hits the lane? Maybe Pete Weber has a beef with him? After too many Sundays on the sofa, I wanted to live the PBA life. It was time hit the lanes on a Friday night in order to receive the chant of “hambone!”

    Like the future feared in The Terminator, computers have taken over the 21st century bowling alley. No longer do you sit at the desk by the ball return to record strikes, spares and gutterballs with a grease pencil on the clear plastic score card. The handwritten stats are no longer are projected above the lane. Now there’s a tiny keyboard on a stand that has you enter in the player’s name. A flat screen TV keeps track of who is up and what’s the score. They removed the math element from the game which is good after your second pitcher of Yuengling.

    Besides keeping score, the computer explains how to throw the ball to nail the spare. A majority of my second chance save opportunity instructions resembled Senator Arlene Specter’s Warren Commission Magic Bullet Theory. Lee Harvey Oswald couldn’t have performed the instructions given to me. The ball had to change direction three times and pins must execute Jackie Chan level flips to tag the remaining pins for a majority of my spares. Even Sen. Specter would have admitted that I’d need bowlers on the grassy knoll to nab the remaining pins. The Rhino can roam free knowing that my PBA dreams now involve the Pro Basketweaving Association.

    RED HOODIE

    Speaking of conspiracies that are overseen by Sen. Specter; Spygate is going to get extra freaky soon.

    According to a highly placed source that watches CSPAN2 as part of community service, Sen. Specter’s spending most of his waking hours collecting evidence on the NFL as part of his Spygate investigation. Specter is obsessed with proving that the New England Patriots cheated when they beat his Philadelphia Eagles in the Superbowl. He wants to be the MVP that brings the Lombardi Trophy to Lincoln Field via a DQ. But Specter might contribute to an NFL cover up. If what’s rumored on the internet is true, the senator has evidence that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ordered Patriots coach Bill Belichick to take a dive in this year’s Superbowl as the ultimate penalty for Spygate. A drunk typist with the internet access swears Belichick sent a signal to his friends and major gamblers that he was being forced to lose when he came out wearing a red hoodie. Why else would a man who had always worn a grey hoodie switch up his look for the biggest game of his career? If you believe what the NFL rules as lies, the red hoodie was Belichick symbolic way of showing that his football genius had been slaughtered by Goodell. Will Sen. Specter dare suggest that the NFL might be as legit as the WWE? That Roger Goodell can control the outcome of his league like when Vince McMahon determines the belt holders at the end of Wrestlemania? Will the senator that drew up the single bullet theory hide any of the Red Hoodie evidence? Or will Goodell promise Specter that 2009 will be the year the Eagles finally win the Superbowl? All our sources have been checked through the Magic 8-Ball that said “It Is Decidedly So!”

    ANOTHER SWEATSUIT NIGHTMARE

    During the Big East tourney, it was quite distressing to see former Georgetown coach John Thompson wearing the Michael Jordan “Jumpman” logo on his warmup jacket. Does he not remember what Jordan did to his Hoyas in the NCAA Tourney finals in 1982? Twenty six years ago, Jordan put a dagger in the heart of Patrick Ewing and Sleepy Floyd. How can he wear Jordan above his heart? Does Carl Yastrzemski wear a “Bucky Dent Rules” t-shirt when he watches Redsox games? Does Jeff Gordon race with his lucky Tony Stewart boxer shorts? Thompson can respect Jordan, but to promote the man that took a championship ring off his finger? It’s just sad. This was a moment when a sports figure should have draped a flag around his shoulders to block an evil logo. Maybe Thompson can wear a Villanova ’85 NCAA Champs while cheering the Hoyas in Raleigh.

  • Party Favors: Billy Mays For President

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    partyfavors2008-03-06.jpgDENVER – This year it sucks to be a vice presidential candidate.

    The Democratic Convention isn’t till the end of August. The Republicans meet the first week in September. Does it really take this long for the delegates to construct donkey and elephant themed hats?

    This means we’ll get six months of “Guess the Vice President.” Brace yourself for reporters ending every interview with a politician with: “Would you accept the job of Vice President if it’s offered?” It’s like adding “in bed” to a fortune cookie message. MSNBC already asked it to Elmo if he’s ready to replace Dick Cheney on the ticket. He’s hot the red states. Although my support for the future V.P. is pitchman Billy Mays. He knows how to promote American innovation and products. Which nominee will nab the man who gave us Oxiclean? Neither candidate is going to tip their VP choice since that’s what creates real surprise at the convention. Nobody in May will be wearing a “Second In Command In Training” vest. It’s an infernal pundit guessing game meant to last all summer long.

    Coincidentally Jeff Zucker at NBC is already planning a new arena gameshow entitled, Are You Willing to Accept the Job of Vice President? It will follow their upcoming slate of “competitive reality shows” that includes What’s In My Pocket?, How Much Does Your Belly Button Lint Weigh?, and Black Sock or Navy Blue Sock?

    Why exactly is a major TV network wasting an hour with My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad? Remember when this show was on Nickelodeon and called something like Family Style Double Dare? Why does NBC run it at 9 p.m. on a Monday? That’s pretty late for a school night. They can call it, My Dad Doesn’t Care What Time I Go to Bed. Hasn’t NBC news run news reports about how kids need to get more sleep. And now they do this? Jeff Zucker doesn’t care that your kids don’t get to bed till 10 p.m. Get with your own truths, star of Fat Actress.

    NBC’s Amnesia is even worse as a gameshow. I don’t care if people can remember their fifth grade teacher. Why does Dennis Miller keep having a career? Has he used his Thesaurus joke on the show yet? He’s like that wad of bubblegum you swallowed in second grade that you swear is still stuck in your small intestine. In Japan, if someone had failed as pathetically as Miller did on Monday Night Football, he’d commit ritualistic seppuku. Celebrity Seppuku would be perfect for VH1. Whatever happened to giving the people what they really want?

    LOL GOP

    Everyone keeps claiming that Fox News is the propaganda machine of the Republican Party, but they’re wrong. Comedy Central is the true Kingmaker of this year’s GOP. You need proof? Gov. Mitt Romney and Mayor Rudy Giuliani were on Fox News as much as Bill O’Reilly and Shepard Smith. There were rumors that certain Fox News insiders were White House bound when either of their candidates became elected. But a funny thing happened on the way to the convention: Mitt and Rudy flailed, failed and bailed.

    Why?

    The Colbert Bounce and the Daily Show Phenomena devastated Fox’s favorite sons. Mike Huckabee was as unknown as that freakish senator from Alaska. But then he was clutched into Stephen Colbert’s patriotic bosom. This quasi-endorsement allowed the Arkansas governor to win primaries while Mayor Rudy fled to Florida to blow his campaign chest on a “fire wall” vote.

    McCain was ignored by Fox News who decided he wasn’t worth their Campaign Carl exclusives. Fox trademarked “America’s Mayor” for Rudy. Mitt was practically co-host of Your World With Neil Cavuto. Jack Welch was jealous at Neil spending so much face time with “The Man Who Saved the Winter Olympics.” McCain didn’t even have a Roger Ailes endorsed nickname. But there was always a warm seat on The Daily Show set for McCain. Jon Stewart didn’t completely faun over him like Cavuto’s tongue slicking back Mitt’s hair. Stewart took the senator to task for going back on his straight talk – especially when he sucked up to the forces that ambushed him in South Carolina during the 2000 election. But at least Stewart cared enough to talk to McCain unlike that Fair and Balanced News Channel. And now who is in the catbird’s seat? How does Roger Ailes feel with the knowledge that his machine was derailed by a fake news show or more properly expressed, “An openly fake news show?”

    When it comes time for press coverage from the convention floor in Minneapolis, Colbert and Stewart should walk the floor not merely as fake news reporters, but as the swizzle stick that stirs the GOP drink. Forget Rush, Coulter and Roger Ailes, future Republican presidential candidates better kiss the true rings of power.

    OSCAR GOREY

    There’s only one way to save the Oscar’s ratings – the 2009 host must be Gary Busey. Imagine the look of panic in the eyes of Helen Mirren when she realizes her path to the Golden Boy goes through the arms of Busey.

    Instead of the memorial montage, a psychic should predict which Academy members will be in the grave before the next ceremony. Extreme close-ups will capture the shock of those marked for death.

    KISS AND DEFLATE

    Remember when Gene Simmons wanted us to call him Dr. Love? Thanks to the unexpected release of his sex tape, he’s now been reduced to Orderly Perfunctory.

    The Kiss frontman has spent the last three decades bragging about his sexual powers. Has he ever done an interview with a female reporter that didn’t include him hitting on her? He tempts them with his tongue and the treasure restrained by his codpiece. He was going to rock and roll them all night.

    Even on the recent Apprentice, Gene sold himself as God’s Gift to women. Did he not lock his sunglasses on Ivanka Trump’s rack? He swore the Manhattan socialite wanted to understand “Detroit Rock City.” He passed himself off as a stud on A&E’s Family Jewels. America bought into the legend that Gene Simmons at nearly 60 still had the mojo.

    But then the video of Gene boffing a blond with heavily augmented breasts hit the internet. Instead of fans of Family Jewels rejoicing at this carnal find, there was a complete letdown. “My eyes!” they screamed as if they opened up the ark of the covenant.

    There’s nothing sexy about Gene’s seduction. He keeps his t-shirt on as if he was the second coming of Ed Powers. He doesn’t even remove his pants from around his ankles. This dress code only acceptable for scoring with the ladies in toilet stalls. Gene doesn’t use his legendary tongue for foreplay. He pulls a Col. Sanders. He licks his fingers to moist up her extra crispy giblet. There’s no kissing. The woman does her best to not look directly at Gene’s face while he half-heartedly schtumps away on her. She wants to imagine him in full make up as the Demon and not face the reality of Gene’s aged sourpuss face.

    She wears her flip-flops onto the bed. Is she afraid of catching a foot fungus from Gene? This is not a sexy sexual encounter. Michael Jackson’s turkey baster is more romantic with the ladies.

    As far as sex tapes go, this is a complete disaster. It makes Kim K Superstar look like Last Tango In Paris. The Johns in Brent Owens’ Hookers At the Point series have more seductive moves than Gene. For the upcoming season of Family Jewels, A&E is running a promotional campaign for people to vote if Gene really had sex with 4,800 women. Who couldn’t have sex with 4,800 women at $20 a pop? They even have a billboards up with the number – as if Gene was the McDonald’s of Groupie Sex. If you notice, it only says “4,800 women” and not “4,800 satisfied women.”

    Even worse is Gene telling people that the sex video is from five years ago. That means he was younger when he screwed the blond as if he was taking out the garbage. The nice thought is that Gene can get some crossover action by having this footage featured on a very special episode of Discovery’s Mythbusters.

    THE DVD SHELF

    The writer’s strike might be over, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up watching DVDs for broadcast TV. Here’s a few new arrivals that have piled up on the Grand Wega.

    Beowulf was much more fun to watch than the version inflicted upon us in English 112. The battle scene between Beowulf and Grendel was pretty damn intense. But the tension was undercut when they kept coming up with Austin Powers gimmicks to hide Beowulf’s cyber dong from the camera’s view. Seeing how I’m watching the “Unrated Director’s Cut,” why couldn’t they allow Beowulf Jr. to flap freely in the heat of combat? And what’s up with Angelina Jolie having the same accent as Beaky Buzzard’s mom from the Looney Tunes cartoons?

    Mod Squad: Season One, Volume 2makes me wonder how can any criminal resist the pout of Julie Barnes (played by Peggy Lipton)? She knows how to make the kindest soul feel guilty. The second half of the first season keeps up the fun as the young undercover police trio bust old criminals and save groovy chicks. They survive a plane crash in “Flight Five Doesn’t Answer.” They saddle up as undercover cowboys in “Fear Is the Bucking Horse.” The prime episode of boxset is “Keep the Faith, Baby” with Sammy Davis Jr. as a priest and Robert Duvall as killer. Julie, Pete (Michael Cole) and Linc keep it solid with their crimefighting skills. Youngsters should recognize Linc since Clarence Williams III played the Harlem crime boss Bumpy Johnson in American Gangster.

    Love American Style: Season 1, Volume 2 keeps the love coming from the greatest kitsch series of the Seventies. Two of my favorite episodes are included. Both involve Batman stars. “Love and the Big Night” has Tony Randall get his shot at Julie Newmar. She’s the swinging secretary that enjoys shagging the married guys at work. Felix gets his freak on with Catwoman. Big warning – you do see Tony’s bare chest. “Love and the Great Catch” has Adam West playing himself while visiting George Lindsey. Batman tangles with Goober! The true joy of Love American Style is having TV and film icons tangle on a neutral show.

    Love Boat: Season One, Volume 1 took over from Love American Style in allowing stars a chance to act outside of their sitcoms. Jim Nabors, Tab Hunter, Robert Hegyes, Sandy Duncan, Jane Curtain and James Bond III all boarded the Pacific Princess in search of amore. The series launched the coolest bartender to sail the high seas in Isaac Washington (Ted Lange). He revolutionized the mixologist in pop culture. The show pure mindless fun. The Love Boat mocked the viewers since it was quite obvious that if you were watching it on Saturday nights, you weren’t getting much love. You weren’t heading off to a romantic location. Spending time with Gopher allowed America feel that they weren’t that lonely.

    101 Dalmatians: Platinum Edition is a major upgrade from the 1999 barebones release. This Disney animated classic deals with sweet Cruella De Vil’s dream of collecting enough puppies to make herself a Dalmatian coat. The puppies decide that they don’t want to sacrifice their lives for fashion. What would Tim Gunn say about this? There’s tons of bonus stuff including a 33 minute documentary about the film and legendary animator Marc Davis discussing Cruella.

    No Country for Old Men was the only Oscar nominated film that lured me into paying full price. And it won the golden boy. I still have nightmares of checking into the wrong hotel room and discovering Anton Chigurh. Javier Bardem (better known to Regis as Xavier) gives a Terminator level performance as the killer who can’t be stopped when he’s on a mission. Josh Brolin plays the man who stumbles upon drug loot and thus becomes Anton’s next target. One of my favorite films of 2007.

    Flight 29 Down: Season Two is Lost for kids except it doesn’t confuse you with timelines, polar bears and giant magnets. A pack of kids attempt to survive after being stranded on a tropical island. The entire series wraps up on Tango Hotel: Series Finale. Remembering my school days, I’d be the first to resort to cannibalism.

    Things We Lost in the Fire reminds us that Halle Berry winning the Oscar wasn’t a career fluke. She can act in films that aren’t completely dumb like Catwoman. She plays a mom struggling with a tragic event. She thinks she finds a steady hand with Benicio Del Toro, but he’s got his own demons. This film could have easily devolved into a Lifetime movie, but the performances keep it from going off the tracks.

    Into the Wild is the creepy tale of Chris McCandless. After graduating from college, he gave away all of his possessions and trekked into Alaska. Sean Penn does a magnificent job at showing the rush McCandless must have felt on his journey. Not to spoil the ending, but it’s not the feel good hit of the year. This would make a great double feature with Werner Herzog’s Grizzly Man.

    Descent has ended any sexual fantasies involving Rosario Dawson. She plays a college girl that’s sexually attacked by a classmate. She plots a really nasty revenge on her date rapist. Fans of Frank Zappa’s “Bobby Brown” won’t wince as much as the rest of us. Make sure you get the NC-17 cut for the complete “AHHHHHH!” factor.

    Trading Spaces: Specials is a great way to distract the wife when you need private time during March Madness. The DVD has 4 of the hour long specials including “Trading Castles.” Paige Davis hosts two of them. It’s nice to see TLC has brought her back to host the show. Did you know that designer Hildi Santo Tomas worked for Sen. Jesse Helms?

    IS PARIS ITCHING?

    I’m applying for the “Be Paris Hilton’s New Best Friend” MTV reality show. First I’ll have to host my own VH1 reality show to help me win her show. “Corey Connection” allows drug dealers to compete for my “friendship.” Can aspiring Tony Montanas get me anything that Paris wants at 4 a.m.? A year after my victory as Paris’ new best friend, I’ll be hosting “Don’t Scratch That!” from the Center for Disease Control.

    TODAY TOMORROW TONIGHT

    According the Magic 8 Ball, Jay Leno won’t be leaving NBC when he steps down from hosting the Tonight Show. Jeff Zucker will have Jay host the upcoming fifth hour of the Today Show.

    There will be a nasty ratings dive for the Tonight Show if Leno goes to ABC or Fox. While Conan has his followers, he attracts a different audience than Leno. More people tune into Conan after watching Letterman. A drinking buddy at a certain ratings service says that at least 20% of Conan’s “audience” is comprised of people who fall asleep during Leno. While Conan might have done well against Letterman and Kimmel, he’s dead meat if Leno sticks around at 11:35 on ABC or 11:00 on Fox.

    Zucker’s wooing Jon Stewart for Late Night to replace Conan. But sources, who have seen Jon on TMZ, claim he has no intention to give up The Daily Show. What’s the point of moving from 11 p.m. to 12:35 a.m.? Stewart enjoys being able to keep up a daylight audience with the constant replays on Comedy Central. Plus he’s the GOP Kingmaker. Conan can’t even get a Dr. Pibb at the NBC commissary. The dark horse candidate for Late Night is The Daily Show‘s Rob Riggle. Carson Daly hosting the hour is considered the “If terrorists blow up New York and Los Angeles while Carson Daly is golfing in Texas” option.

    Zucker can always mix things up by having a two and a half hour late night Deal or No Deal or American Gladiators Afterdark.

    MORE NBC GAME SHOWS

    Our man in Burbank has slipped us the top secret list of all the game shows Jeff Zucker is pondering for upcoming prime time schedule.

    Arf Arf – Contestants have to match dogs with their owners.

    Patient Zero – Guess who gave everyone in a group of people a communicable disease.

    I Got Your Nose – A contestant has to guess which of five people truly has their nose sticking out of their fists.

    National Peek-A-Boo Night – America wonders where the host has gone when he covers his face with his hands. Riveting TV, Tom Shales will declare.

    Fresh or Sour – Contestants have to guess the expiration date of milk.

    What Did I Have For Lunch – Contestant gets a fart in the face and has to identify the foods in the gas.

    Do You Know Who I Am? – Drunk celebrities avoid being arrested for drunk driving by flaunting their star power.

    Know that Colon – Can you spot your spouse’s colon when a cam’s been shoved up it?

    ROCK OF SHOTS

    Faithful reader Zan W. pondered a great question: Is Bret Michaels auditioning for Wilford Brimley’s Liberty Medical gig? Both men spending most of their time on TV talking about their diabetes. As soon as Bret wraps on Rock Of Love 22, he’ll be ready to tell us how to order all your diabetic supplies.

    If Bret really wants to be the new Wilford, he’s going to have to drop the bandana action. Wilford doesn’t mind showing off his sexy scalp. How much hair is really attached to Bret’s dome? A recent Rock of Love had a girl “surprise” Bret with breakfast in bed. She allegedly woke him up. He still had the bandana on. How many hours did Bret have to prepare himself for the “surprise?”

    Brace yourself: MyNetwork will be airing a sitcom starring Flavor Flav called Under One Roof. Expect to see a rise in reports of people ripping their eyes out.

    END THE PAIN

    I fear being trapped in a theater watching Mike Myers’ The Love Guru. My eye are already hurting from the trailer. Please tell me that this isn’t really a movie, but a fake trailer spoofing the cinema of Myers.

    At some point I’ll see Semi-Pro since Jackie Earle Haley plays a rabid fan of the Flint Tropics. It’ll probably be a matinee.

    OPRAH’S BIG GIVE

    What would I do if Oprah handed me a pile of money? I’d give her directions to where Gayle King is buried alive.

    The press went nuts with the announcement that Discovery Health Channel will become OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. There was buzz that Oprah would revolutionize TV with uplifting programs for her followers. Remember when Oprah pushed the Oxygen Channel? The station devolved into continuous marathons of Bad Girls Club and Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. What the hell went wrong with that channel? How did it go from empowering women to exploiting them like a trainwreck version of Girls Gone Wild? Does Oprah feel bad that she birthed this bastion of trash TV that exists to give E!’s The Soup classic highlights? OWN will feature Gayle King’s Ultimate Jell-O Wresting Academy by the end of the year.

    FINAL UPCOMING NBC SHOW

    Did I Wash This Underwear? – Can be played on To Catch A Predator with the pervs before Chris Hansen steps out from behind the screen.

  • Party Favors: Stone Cold

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    partyfavors2008-02-21-01.jpgWACO, TEXAS – The gruff voice on the other end of the phone is unmistakable. Stone Cold Steve Austin is ready to talk.

    He’s pumped up at the release of The Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin, a 3 DVD set with 9 hours of his time in and around the ring. It’s an amazing reverse Samson transformation as his popularity grows as his hair disappears.

    Because of time limitations and he’s f’n Stone Cold, the interview was done as part of a conference call with other writers. We’re limited to asking two questions, but can listen into dozens of Stone Cold’s answers. This is what it must be like to hang with the Buddha if he wore knee braces while in repose.

    The first Party Favors question: How do you feel when a fan says you inspired him to give his boss the finger and throw a beer at the guy?

    “I’ve never got that,” Stone Cold said. Turns out most of his fans say he inspired them to do positive things in their life.

    The second question: What does Stone Cold do to keep his shaved head looking so good?

    “I’ll go three to five days and let if get scruffy if I don’t have any meetings. When it comes time to shave, I always go with the grain. I use shaving cream and those Bic disposable razors. I don’t use a fancy razor. I can get a couple shaves out of one and toss it away. Go with the grain, my friend. Go with the grain,” the wise grappler said.

    He did reveal later in the talk that he has an ashy complexion. He douses himself with water before appearing on Monday Night Raw to look good for the camera. He hated wrestlers that oiled themselves up since it was hard to get a good grip on them.

    The following are answers he gave other reporters. The question of Stone Cold’s legacy comes up and the man with the leather vest and ripped jeans is quick to describe how he views himself.

    “These days when I do an appearance for WWE, it’s a light hearted affair. Cut a cute promo, slap a couple beers together and give somebody a Stone Cold Stunner. That’s not what I want to be remembered for. I want to be remembered as the guy who brought home a gray area into a black and white business of good and bad. Here was a bad guy that everybody ended up loving. I never said I was a good guy and transformed into the biggest babyface in the business. I’m a guy who stood for something…who knows what he stood for other than Steve Austin. He did a lot of things that should have been construed as heel-like, but for some reason, the way society was going, the people ended up loving that guy. I want to be remembered as that guy, not the guy who goes out there and does that light hearted stuff these days.”

    Later another writer asks what Stone Cold thinks when he hears the crowd go nuts. “When you hear that explosion and you know that’s the result of the 10 years in the WWE that you busted your ass and did everything you could to entertain those people. That means getting beat up, stitched up, cut up to the nth degree and making everything 120 percent real that’s the result of all that hard work. But for me and the limited capacity that I come back for, I feel like I’m ripping the people off. I know can cut a slick promo, but I can’t be the old Stone Cold.”

    This however does not mean that he’s tempted to make a full fledged comeback. He’s asked what it would take to make him go beyond the cute promos.

    “If really needed the money, I’d probably go back,” Stone Cold said. “Thankfully I’ve been very, very conservative with my money. I don’t spend my money. I’ve invested it wisely. I love the business. I’ve always loved the business. But I don’t miss it. I’ve got fond memories when I think about that stuff, but I’ve been out long enough.”

    While Legacy has plenty of matches from across his career, Stone Cold pointed out that many of his great matches have previously been released on DVD. “It was a good try. There’s really too much for three DVDs to cover. Because we’ve put out so many other DVDs in the past, they didn’t use a lot of that footage, so there’s a lot of holes. You kind of have to have all of them. And there really could have been more extras and commentary. But if you have the other DVDs, this does a good job of filling in the gaps,” Stone Cold said.

    One of the highlights of Legacy is seeing the moment when Steve gained his X Factor and became a sensation with the crowds. He won King of the Ring in 1996 and proclaimed Austin 3:16 for the first time. During the interview, he disclosed that he only got that break because Triple H was suspended for taking part in the farewell at Madison Square Garden for the trio that defected to the WCW. After years of being a middle card performer, he was at the top of the food chain with the perfect persona.

    His advice for up and coming wrestlers searching for their X Factor: “Don’t pretend to be anything. When I turned into Stone Cold Steve Austin, I just let it all hang out. That’s just me turned up to 10.” What gets him is watching young wrestlers who don’t believe the role forced on them by promoters. He can sense that their hearts and souls aren’t in their performances. And their brains can’t even fake reading the speeches from the WWE’s writers.

    When the subject comes up about Shark Boy impersonating Stone Cold on TNA, the original isn’t miffed. “If a guy is able to make a living off a Stone Cold rip-off or spoof, more power to him,” Stone Cold said.

    What wrestlers he wished he could have battled; Stone Cold listed, “Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage, Andre the Giant, Harley Race, Jack Brisco and Dusty Rhodes.” Judging from Stone Cold’s ECW promo about his time on WCW (featured on Legacy), the Dusty match would have been good and bloody.

    Who is the best wrestler in Stone Cold’s eyes? “Nature Boy Ric Flair is my favorite pro wrestler in the history of the business. Ric Flair has the ability to go out there with an opponent of any talent level and have a five star match,” Stone Cold declared. He said that Hulk Hogan was more showbizzy.

    While Stone Cold plans on being at Wrestlemania as a spectator, his career is now focused on acting. He did well in Adam Sandler’s Longest Yard remake and took a starring role in The Condemned. He is slated to appear in two action films in the near future. But he wouldn’t mind getting involved in TV. He mentioned a desire to host a hunting show. Could Versus revive the American Sportsman? I want to see Stone Cold put the stunner on moose.

    At the end of the talk, a writer asked Stone Cold that since Chuck Norris was supporting Mike Huckabee, who was he backing for president. “John McCain,” Steve declared. Does this means we’ll be treated to a GOP debate with Walker, Texas Ranger mixing blows with the Texas Rattlesnake?

    UNCLE AL RETURNS!

    Fans of the original Comedy Channel have fond memories of Night After Night with Allan Havey. Since those days, Havey has done plenty of other shows including Fox’s Free Ride and a great guest appearance on Curb Your Enthusiasm. He also made Brandy cry on Punk’d. Now he’s finally adapting his great nightclub routine about being Uncle Al into a TV show. But instead of being stuck in development hell, Havey’s workshopping Life Lessons with Uncle Al on Youtube.

    The premise is an adaptation of Family Affair except without rich Uncle Bill with his lavish Manhattan apartment and Mr. French. These orphaned kids are stuck with Uncle Al. He’s a scam artist and a hustler who has no business being allowed near kids. But he sees moving in with the kids as a perfect chance to keep up his irresponsible ways. It’s a perfect role for Havey.

    Two episodes stand out as my favorites. Part 3 has Uncle Al explain to his nephew that he needs to rethink his college education dreams.

    Part 9 has the teenage niece confide her sex life with Uncle Al. He gives a response that is not Dr. Phil approved.

    It’s great to see Havey and his group use Youtube to expose their undiluted vision before the network suits decimate the concept with their notes. By the time a show like Life Lessons with Uncle Al gets on the TV, they’ll water it down until it becomes the second coming of Uncle Buck: The Series .

    PAINT OF GREATNESS

    My cousin Bill Gormley went over to the National Portrait Gallery in Washington D.C. to absorb the greatest art exhibit since King Tut. The triple portrait of Stephen Colbert really was hanging up near the bathrooms in the building.

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    Bill reported that the area around the Colbert was packed with admirers. There were more people trying to get a view of TV’s favorite pundit than in the rest of the gallery. The guards had to keep making paths for the people who actually did have to use the bathroom.

    The painting will remain on display until April 1. After that, the National Portrait Gallery will return to obscurity.

    COME CLEAN SIMON

    Is American Idol shaping up to be the biggest rigged contest on TV since the 21 scandal? The premise of the show is that hundreds of thousands of aspiring singers spend days camped out in football stadiums for that longshot chance to become the next Clay Aiken if Paula, Randy and Simon give them a ticket to Hollywood.

    This season has pretty much tossed that myth out the window. American Idol is as “real” as The Hills. While producer Simon Fuller gives us tons of short bio clips about these “unknowns,” the internet is buzzing that he’s packed his show with ringers. Here’s a quick rundown of stuff Fuller has hidden from viewers:

    David Archuleta won the junior singer category of ‘Star Search’ in 2003. Joanne Borgella won Mo’Nique’s Fat Chance in 2005. Robbie Carrico was a member of Boyz N Girlz United and dated Britney Spears in 1999. Jason Castro starred as the love interest in the MTV series Cheyenne. David Cook released a solo album, Analog Heart, but it’s no longer for sale at payplay. Kristy Lee Cook was signed by Arista and managed by Britney Spears’ production company. Amy Davis was on 2007’s Nashville Star. Michael Johns fronted a band, The Rising, which was signed to Maverick. Alexandria Lushington performed at the Apollo Theater and competed on Star Search. Syesha Mercado appeared on ABC’s The One: Making a Music Star. Brooke White released an album, Songs From the Attic, in 2005 and opened for Phil Vassar on tour. Jason Yeager was a finalist on the first season of Making the Band.

    Was there really an open contestant search or did Fuller cast this season from other reality shows? This is like a VH1 sub-Surreal Life. It’s a miracle he didn’t find a Baldwin brother to be in the final 24. Did these people really audition or were they flown by Fuller to the various locations to look real?

    I don’t want to deny any of these people a second chance at stardom, but Fuller needs to come clean. Quit trying to fool the viewers into thinking that these kids have never performed under pressure. One girl performed at the Apollo Theater. Think that crowd is harder to please than Paula? A kid won Star Search, but Fuller wants us to think that an empty stage in Hollywood is overwhelming to him?

    The queen of the ringers is the Irish tattooed diva who now goes by Carly Smithson. In 2001 she was Carly Hennessy and released a record, Ultimate High, for MCA. Don’t remember it? The bean counters at MCA do. The label burned $2 million on the album. It sold under 400 copies. What’s very interesting is reports have Randy Jackson working on the project since he was the head of A&R at MCA before getting the fat bucks from American Idol. Dog, that sounds pretty pitchy to me. Fuller wants us to think that she’s this simple Irish girl married to a tattoo faced guy. We’re supposed to feel bad that she lost her big chance in season 5 when she was denied a visa to be on the show. Carly has already had $2 million worth of a shot at stardom. Hasn’t she lived the dream of being a pop star? She even had the same songwriter as Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken on the album that cost more than Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk.

    If Congress can force football and baseball to swear on the Bible, it’s time those under the Dome to haul Simon Fuller and demand real answers. Where’s Sen. Kennedy demanding to know how Ryan Seacrest can promise viewers “Fresh, untapped talent” and then give us Carly? I don’t know the rules of game shows are in England, but in America we have a very simple one: contestants can’t have a previous relationship with employees of the show. Carly was signed to MCA during Randy Jackson’s tenure. He knows her from those days. If you had a business relationship or friendship with one of the stars on Hollywood Squares, you weren’t allowed to play. If you worked for Alex Trebek on High Rollers, you aren’t allowed to be a contestant on Jeopardy. For Randy to vote on an act that was signed to his label during his tenure at MCA is unethical and must be against the laws that govern TV gameshows.

    If this is true, American Idol is a game show fraud. Of course don’t expect to see the FCC and Congress nail the show. Why? Cause Rupert Murdoch owns those D.C. bitches. Maybe next season Randy will have his kids win the show.

    DVDs FOR RUNNERS

    The writer’s strike is over, but that’s no excuse to give up enjoying DVDs instead of broadcast tripe.

    The Fugitive: Season One, Volume 2 continues Dr. Richard Kimble’s search for the one-armed killer. Lt Philip Gerard was given the thankless task of hunting down Kimble. He has slowly come around to thinking that Kimble is innocent of killing his wife, but he can’t let the guy go free. He’s got to bring Kimble in to at least face justice a second time. Like all great TV shows of the ’60s, Bruce Dern appears in “Come Watch Me Die.” Telly Savalas plays a Reno hotel operator in “Where the Action Is.” Did his hotel accepted the Players Club Gold Card? Claude Akins kidnaps a rich man’s son in “Never Stop Running.” Barry Morse, who played Gerard, recently passed away. He did have a thankless role being assigned to bring most innocent man on TV to the electric chair. This second half of the first season keeps the good stories coming.

    George of the Jungle: The Complete Series brings together all 17 of the original cartoons along with Tom Slick and Super Chicken. This was the prize of Jay Ward’s animation career. Instead of using the Mexican paint factory, Ward was given the budget to use the animators who did his Cap’n Crunch commercials. George is an extraordinarily dumb apeman. His favorite gorilla is the brains of the operation. Tom Slick is Dudley Do-Right with wheels instead of horse. Super Chicken is great since he gets his amazing powers from mixing up cocktails. Now that’s a Saturday morning cartoon worthy of adult viewing. They also have the original pilot as a bonus feature. Can Classic Media please now come out with the final set of Rocky and Bullwinkle adventures?

    The Equalizer: Season One is proving to be a hardcore laugh around the house. How did Edward Woodward keep a straight face during his fight scenes? This is beautiful ’80s cheese. He’s a retired superspy who has put a personal ad in the paper offering his services to help out people. Each week he kicks another loser’s ass as penance for all the sins he’s done around the world as a spook. Don’t watch this without a gin and tonic.

    REDRAW DREW

    Drew Carey has been hosting The Price Is Right for a few months so it’s time to give him an evaluation. No need to jump on a guy in the first week as he attempts to find his spots on the floor. Now that Drew knows his way around the Bob Barker soundstage, he deserves a critique.

    The verdict: He’s extraordinarily the wrong man for the thin microphone. He is not a game show animal even though he’s hosted three of them. He’s perfunctory at best. He’s pathetic at worse. He has only one expression that covers his face. He has only one tone to his voice. He’s the definition of one note. Half of the games just crumble away towards the end as he stumbles to wrap things up. He has zero ability to build suspense. He won’t let contestants sweat.

    He needs to understand that he doesn’t have to give away every prize. The simple fact is that when the announcer calls their name, a contestant has already been made a winner. The cars and the living room sets are gravy. The audience at home won’t feel cheated if people lose. This is The Price Is Right and not Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Drew needs to tease the animals. He doesn’t need to be extra cruel to them like a DMV employee. They act like Drew’s going to give them the trip to Las Vegas either way. If Drew needs a role model, think of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka.

    Even after all these weeks, Carey seems like he’s been rushed in as a substitute host rather than anointed the new host. Is his name on the dressing room door written in masking tape? Having the folks say, “Alakazam” before exposing the winning price isn’t cutting it, Drew. Don’t leave it up to luck. Make these people fear that it’s their choice to win or go head to the Showcase Showdown as the first spinner. Play upon their fears that their friends steered them wrong. Or they’ve been shopping in the wrong stores. Don’t be their best friend. Be the host of the show!

    Drew’s inability to register any expression on his face besides his goofy grin also hurts the show. He might have made millions with those birth control glasses and buzz cut, but they’re doing too much of the heavy work. A husky guy wearing a Drew Carey mask can do Drew’s job.

    The also need to get him out of black suits. Since the show isn’t in HD, he nearly blots out half the screen when he turns. He’s a walking black hole. Go bright! This is a game show, not a funeral service. Make Drew look like he’s really having fun on the show. Quit shopping in the Alfred Hitchcock section of Botany 500. The suits worked on Barker because he was an old man. Stick Drew in freakish sports jackets that makes people stare at the patterns. Dare to flaunt design.

    Drew also needs to interact more with the women formerly known as Barker’s Beauties. Who are these women? Or is this an order from his fiancée that he needs to quit staring at their racks as they show off a diamond necklace?

    Drew Carey needs to understand that at this point The Price Is Right survives in spite of him. He needs to bring more game to the show instead of just sleepwalking through the hour.

    PG-13 TUDORS

    Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman promoting The Other Boleyn Girl is pretty funny. Three times I’ve heard reporters try to describe this twisted romance about the ladies of Henry VIII. They mention Desperate Housewives, Dynasty and a few other shows, but none dare utter Showtime’s The Tudors. Why not speak the obvious comparison? Am I to believe the producers of NBC’s Today Show only have access to HBO?

    Does uber-producer Scott Rudin force the media interviewing the Boleyn girls to sign an agreement to not cross-promote that other show that dares to give a steamy interpretation of the sultry English monarch? Does he think that nobody will compare Eric Bana to John Rhys Meyers? Who looks better on the throne: The Hulk or Elvis?

    While the trailer looks juicy with plenty of dorsal nudity and lips on neck action, The Other Boleyn Girl racked up a quaint PG-13. This means neither Scarlett or Natalie is going to equal the carnal Boleyn performance of Natalie Dormer on The Tudors. That woman knows how to make her King think he’s worthy of running a religion since she gives good worship. If Scarlett and Natalie approached the role like Dormer, plenty of guys would be buying season tickets to the film.

    Fans of The Tudors that skipped English history might want to avoid The Other Boleyn Girl until the relationship between Henry VIII and Boleyn sisters is resolved on the TV series. Will Scott Rudin use that blurb on the New York Times ad. Perhaps he should have a big “SPOILER ALERT!” before the opening credits?

  • Party Favors: The Story Of A Mock And Roll Band

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    DETROIT – Augie called on Thursday afternoon to cancel out on attending the Norman Taurog film festival. He didn’t have his usual family emergency excuse which normally meant his ex-girlfriend was drunk and horny. This time he bailed because of band practice.

    Never had Augie talked about playing music. This was a surprise. Not only was he in a band, but they had three gigs already lined up. His combo had to get extra tight so they could be impressive at the battle of the bands. He was curious about getting tour t-shirts made since that’s where the money is in the biz. He had big plans for Goldenrod.

    I gave him the classic advice to make never sign away their publishing to wannabe managers. That’s how those record weasels rip you off. Pack your own rubbers cause they don’t call them skanks as sign of respect. He laughed. I asked where they’re playing and what time do they go on. It’s always good to support your local music scene. Augie wasn’t sure about the time. He was nervous because the first venue was Playstation 3 and all their gear is X-Box 360. What?

    His group wasn’t a true rock band, but four people playing the Rock Band video game. He was bailing on me so he could practice a video game. We’re taking practice. I had to crank out the Allen Iverson: “I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we’re talking about practice.” Augie and three other dweebs were practicing pressing buttons on fake instruments. There would be no blistering solo riffing. They’d be typing. Even Kraftwerk wouldn’t consider this being in a band. Goldenrod didn’t need tour t-shirts, but the duct tape of reality to rip the denial off their eyes.

    My old band opened up for the Flaming Lips. While it doesn’t make me a rock star, it does link me to Beverly Hills 90210. When you’re in a group, it’s all about duct tape, 9V batteries and deli trays — Not orange slices and rebooting. We rocked the world with instruments that made noise. We rocked out. This Rock Band seems to be four people playing that old Simon game except they want an audience to cheer them on. And the want adoration not merely because they are amazing at playing a video game, but that they are somehow rockin’ the world like The Strokes. After a little research, it seems that Augie isn’t the first guy with a Rock Band group that wants to sell t-shirts as if they’re the second coming of Super Tramp. There’s tons of faux-bands lurking in the rumpus rooms across America. I haven’t seen this much detachment from reality since Rob & Fab thought they were responsible for Milli Vanilli’s sound. If you want to play Rock Band, go ahead. But don’t act like you’re in a real rock band. Until you wake up in a puddle of vomit on the bathroom floor with a needle stuck in your vein and contemplating suicide, you aren’t in a band.

    After playing Super Mario Brothers, I didn’t get business cards declaring myself an Italian Plumber. Did my friends believe that I captured giant gorillas that abduct royalty? Although after catching a severe case of Pac-Man Fever, I was banned from West Roxbury’s Osco Drugstore for tossing an open bottle of Geritol and eating the pills off the floor. Wakkka Wakkka Wakkkka.

    If Guitar Hero is a wankfest, than Rock Band is a circle jerk. MTV games ought to include a jumbo jar of mayonnaise in the box. (Ask any former-McDonald’s employee about “special sauce” night.) When will we be overwhelmed with commercials for the latest “cool” fake disease: ADD 2.0? They must market pills to treat Adult Dork Disorder. They could hire Placebo to create the jingle.

    A simple test to know if you suffer from ADD 2.0 is to buy the DVD for The King of Kong. If you envy the lives of Billy Mitchell, Brian Kuh, Steve Wiebe or Walter Day, you are afflicted. If you wish you could ignore a child’s plea for an ass wiping to keep Mario leaping over barrels, you have ADD 2.0.

    The documentary exposes the ugly world of video arcade high scores. For over 20 years Billy Mitchell held the record for the greatest Donkey Kong game. But then out of a garage in Washington came Steve Wiebe’s score that destroyed Mitchell’s plateau. But nothing is simple as Billy’s longtime pals attempt to discredit Wiebe. They even resort to breaking into his house and taking his Donkey Kong game apart to see if he doctored the parts. Why exactly didn’t they get hauled off by the cops? These people are in their own universe and frighten me.

    There’s tons of drama and bitchiness. It’s amazing how these people love to remember a time when hundreds would hover around an arcade to see amazing scores. Most of the kids I know that hung out at the video arcade did it to score smokes from the change guy and practice to be hoodlums. The bonus features on the DVD let us know that Billy Mitchell is not happy with how he came off in the edit. He’s a major prick during the 78 minutes. The scene where he tries to distract Steve’s record attempt by parading his busty wife past the machine is gold. This is the perfect geek out movie if you don’t feel like enduring your pals Rock Band faux show.

    They strange news is that The King of Kong is being turned into a fictional movie. Why? Do they not remember what happened when Dogtown and the Z-Boys was dramatically transformed into Lords of Dogtown? How can Hollywood recreate the perfect hair of Billy Mitchell? They’ll cast Josh Brolin as Billy and call it No Country For Old Marios. Or if they go younger with Paul Dano in There Will Be Quarters.

    LOST IN TRANSLATION

    For the Harvard Square showing of There Will Be Blood, Daniel Day Lewis declares, “I drink your frappe!”

    GOOD GAMES

    While pretending to be a rock star via a video game is lame, I’m fully supportive of concept that boxing on Wii is a great cardio work out. After knocking out six opponents, I was a dripping ball of sweat. My hosts sent me off to the shower before they would let me sit on the sofa. I’m tempted to get a tattoo on my face to get some Mike Tyson respect.

    While it’s not the same as getting your jaw knocked around the ring, my arms were sore from all the punches I gave those cyber pugilists. Next on the “to play” list is the Godzilla game. My claws want to tear apart Tokyo.

    NEW SPRING FASHION?

    While hanging out with pals and their newborn baby, I’m stuck by the thought: Why don’t they make Onesies in adult sizes? It’s the perfect summer wear. You just snap on your “shirt/shorts” and hit the party circuit with Paris, Sean Combs and Ms. Lohan. Time to call up my man in Hong Kong to get Party Favors back in the fashion industry. In a few months you’ll see Bea Arthur and Ned Beatty shaking their groove things in the Hamptons in their Onesies. Wonder if we can get Mickey Rourke as our spokesmodel?
    Marc Jacobs better not steal this idea or I’ll brand an asterisk on his rawhide.

    HOW THE GAME ENDS

    Not to spoil the finale of The Wire, but I’m predicting the series will end with Baltimore in burning ruins and the only survivors being John Waters and the crew from Ace of Cakes. If Marlo has Chris and Snoop pay a midnight visit to Peter Angelos, he’ll be a hero in Charm City.

    DVD SHELF TIME

    The writer’s strike has kept the DVD player whirring during prime time. Thankfully there’s plenty of fresh stuff to explore when The Wire, Nip/Tuck and No Reservations isn’t scheduled.

    This American Life is further proof that Showtime is beating HBO in developing exciting new shows. This is a video version of the NPR show hosted by Ira Glass. Each of the six episodes on This American Life: Season One‘s DVD focuses on various life stories. This the smoothest transition from radio to TV since Jack Benny went from aural to visual. Glass takes his desk into strange terrain in order to set the mood. It’s like how John Cleese opened Monty Python’s Flying Circus. The visual element of the show is top notch. These are more than Real People reports. Even though most of the stories are about people, my favorite two are about animals. One deals with a prized bull that was cloned. Turns out that the “son” might look like his dad, but he doesn’t share the same temperament. There’s a dramatic rush to the hospital when things go extremely wrong. The second best segment has a camera crew visit a modern hog farm. This had even me a bit disgusted at what science has wrought. Not that I’m giving up pork, but I now appreciate devouring mud raised pigs. This American Life: Season One is only available at Borders bookstores. Which makes sense since people who listen to the radio show probably read books.

    Family Ties: The Third Season is best known as that period when Michael J. Fox was pulling double duty as Alex P. Keaton by day and Marty McFly at night. Luckily the show was shot on videotape so you can’t see his bleary eyes from his hours on Back the Future. This season provides the surprise of a baby on the way. Most of the season features the swelling Meredith Baxter Birney along with her popping out Andrew Keaton. This would be the final season for Tina Yothers to play the cute youngest child. Meredith looks extra sexy when she goes nuts at an Atlantic City casino.

    Walker Texas Ranger: The Fourth Season reminds us what justice will look like when Mike Huckabee wins the presidential election. Chuck Norris will become the Secretary of Law and Order and Asswaxing in 2008. This season he goes undercover in “El Coyote” to stop illegal immigration. He snuffs out the drug trade in “Deep Cover.” Walker even deals with underbelly of high school athletics on “Point After.” This isn’t merely a TV show, this boxset is Chuck Norris’ vision for America. He’s dishing out his credentials with ever round house kick. Besides national issues, “The Avenger” has major buttkicking when the brother of an illegal arms deal sends an army of martial artists after Norris. As long as one of them isn’t Bruce Lee, how dare they think they can stop Walker!

    Oswald’s Ghost is an investigation of JFK’s assassin from PBS’s American Experience series. For those who are new to the subject of Kennedy conspiracy theories, this is a concise and informative documentary. They dug up plenty of vintage footage to give a sense of what it was like as the presidential motorcade cruised through Dallas. There’s plenty of time spent exploring the cottage industry that has sprung up to exploit the various conspiracy theories. Too many people think that either Oswald was part of a group or a major patsy. The late Norman Mailer explains why he thinks that Oswald was the solo shooter, but couldn’t admit to his crime when he was abducted. Oswald’s Ghost debunks Oliver Stone’s JFK by point out Jimmy Garrison’s codecracking skills.

    If you’re looking for a great series from the ’80s, Sledge Hammer! is perfect for Night Owl viewing. The show is about a cop who think Dirty Harry was a training film. David Rasche is hilarious as Sledge Hammer when he has tender moments with his .44 Magnum. Even though it was stuck against Miami Vice and Dallas, Sledge Hammer! lasted two years which is more than Police Squad. Both seasons are out on DVD. If you hunt around, you can often find them as part of a buy one get one free deal.

    For hockey fans, I recommend The Rocket (Palm Pictures), a biopic about the great Montreal Canadians player Maurice “The Rocket Richard.” The film has an amazing cold feeling to the images. You might want to break out a sweater and a couple wool blankets before you hit play on the DVD. I almost got frost bite during the outdoor hockey rink action. Roy Dupuis brings out the beauty and brutality in Richard’s game. The Rocket was old school hockey in his ability to take control of the game with amazing stick play and grace on blades. Plus he could drop his gloves and beat the crap out of anyone. Imagine Wayne Gretzky with a right hook. Richard didn’t need a private enforcer. The ratings explanation warns of “historic smoking throughout.” Does this mean soon we’ll have people making money as “historical smoking consultants” on films?

    GORILLA FOR SALE

    Allan Melvin recently transferred into syndication heaven. While most of the world remembers him as Sam the Butcher (brother of Abdullah the Butcher), around the Party Favors World Headquarters, Melvin is beloved as the voice of Magilla Gorilla. He was also the voice of Drooper on the Banana Splits. His was great on military comedies. He was part of Sgt. Bilko’s crew and Sgt. Carter’s nemesis on Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. We’ll think of Melvin every time we put a T-Bone on the grill. Why wasn’t he honored by the Kennedy Center?

    Also it saddens us that Suzanne Pleshette won’t be greeting us at the door of a Chicago apartment. Pleshette seemed like the kinda woman that had a fun, saucy streak. Hopefully the folks at Fox will release the final two seasons The Bob Newhart Show. Her legacy must be preserved.

    OOH THAT CHIN HAIR

    Is Britney’s new scummy man, Adnan Ghalib, going to make the Brazilian wax popular as the new beard style? Are all the cool kids growing ’em? If Adnan stood on his head and spoke, you’d think he was auditioning to be a new Vivid girl. After watching previews of Adnan’s Entertainment Tonight exclusive interview, there’s no need to discuss “What’s Britney thinking?” How can we talk brain power with a woman who has been out thought by KFed? It’s a miracle she can get the chips out of a can of Pringles.

    Now that the new campaign slogan is “Your Vegas Is Showing,” you really should get a fresh waxing before flying into Nevada.

    AMERICAN ROLES FOR AMERICANS?

    Are we out of American actors for TV shows? It was bad enough when all those Canadians snuck onto the screen in the 20th century. We thought Lorne Greene and Michael J. Fox were like us, but they eventually showed their 55 yard line loyalty. We ultimately accepted them since Canada is the 51st state. But now we’re being overwhelmed with too many network shows that have folks from across the ocean pretending to be us. With Eli Stone on ABC, everyone in Trainspotting now has a network deal. Even the mechanical baby that walked on the ceiling has a CW series in development.

    Are we supposed to believe that the latest batch of English dramas star the cast of American History X?

    This is a national emergency. The Department of Education needs to go into overdrive to get acting schools to produce a finer grade of native thespian. We once put an American on the moon, can we at least get true a American back on the dial at 8 p.m.?

    TROJAN TROUBLE

    According to my Magic-8 Ball, the USC Trojans will be hit with major penalties this summer thanks to Reggie Bush’s time as a student-athlete-ATM. The school shall receive a Michigan basketball bitchslap vs. the SMU shut down. All of Reggie Bush’s games will be taken off the record books. The BCS will pile onto the ugliness. USC will have to hand back the hardware accumulated during his three seasons including the BSC trophy. The student bookstore will no longer be able to sell their National Champions t-shirts with those years included. The major hurt will be when the organizations demand the return of the BCS bowl money for the three prime games that featured Bush. There will be fireworks over a penalty check that totals more than $40 million.

  • Party Favors: Attack Of The DVD Smudge

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    WILMINGTON, DELAWARE – Did you know your DVDs might be getting ruined by their plastic storage cases? They’re not completely safe on the shelf. While you sleep, your beloved shiny discs could be clouding up.

    For creepy and scientific reasons, a residue has been found growing on DVDs secured in clear plastic slim cases. Why? Nobody has a definitive answer. While I can’t find any industry articles discussing this latest ugliness, I can assure you this is real and not an internet rumor. I’m a victim of this crap. I have a Hogan’s Heroes: The Second Season that looks like a Bob Guccione camera lens after a Pet of the Year photo shoot. A strange Vaseline-like smudge splotches the shiny side of the DVD.

    The good news is that nobody has reported this residue rendering their DVDs unplayable. So don’t completely panic. Since this is residue on the outside of the plastic, people have reported being able to clean it away with 97% alcohol. But no one is sure if there is a critical exposure time to this residue that will make a permanent bond with the surface of the DVD. Or if it will eventually render your DVD to beer coasters. Remember that this is not a case of disc rot or clouding inside the DVD from a poor sealing job.

    Where is the residue coming from?

    From most reports the culprits of this catastrophe are clear plastic slim cases that have an oily feel. The first warnings on hometheaterforum dealt with people finding this residue linked to Scanavo’s clear slim cases that hold two DVDs. You could immediately know they were Scanavo since the company’s name was inside the box. They also have a nasty hubs that seem to shred the plastic off the hole in your DVD. There have been reports of the residue growing on DVDs in clear cases not manufactured by Scanavo.

    What all these cases have in common is the oily feel. Some theorize that residue is from this oily plastic being so close to the playing surface of the DVDs. Having flunked organic chemistry while majoring in textiles, it is my expert opinion that plastics are evil and unpredictable. They’ll do unforeseen things after being extruded and exposed to an environment outside a sterile and climate control lab. They don’t breakdown in a conventional biodegradable manner, but they’ll convert into dangerous polymers. This would explain the residue transfer from case to DVD surface.

    What’s curious is that the black double DVD slim cases in my collection do not affect the DVDs in the same way. My first season of Futurama has the issue. The first season of King of the Hill that’s in black plastic is pristine.

    A few people think that the residue is prompted by humidity levels. While this may be true, it’s a pain in the ass for those of us who don’t want to turn our house into the baseball storage space at Coors Field. The best thing you can do if you discover the residue issue is to remove your DVD from the clear plastic slim cases. My collection has gone into paper envelopes to be stored in faux library card catalog cabinets.

    Titles in my collection that were afflicted by residue include Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie, Hazel, Titus, Perry Mason, Hawaii Five-0, The Jerry Lewis Collection, Gomer Pyle & Futurama. Others have reported Have Gun Will Travel.

    When these slim DVD cases that held 2 DVDs were first introduced, I applauded them. Anything that allows four DVDs to fit in the space of a single old black box was a major relief for my packed video cabinet. How was I to know this advance would become the DVDs equivalent of Eastman Color in the world of 35mm films? Luckily at this moment, you can clean up your DVDs and put them in a safer environment. There’s no cure for red shifting.

    Please don’t completely panic. It will do you good to inspect your collection and take action. Just because you have them tucked safely on the shelf doesn’t mean they’re going to be playable forever or for the next few years. Beware of the residue.

    PARTY VIDEO

    If you get a party started right, head over to youtube and bring up the Yatta video. If Frankie Goes to Hollywood and the Village People were stranded on the Island of Dr. Moreau, they’d be transformed in Yatta. The group features six Japanese guys wearing diapers with leaves on the front. Their Japanglish lyrics to “Swedish Leaves” helped me set the clock on my VCR.

    LET ME SEE RICHARD DAWSON

    All Star Family Feud is this winter’s “Cheese Doodle” DVD award. You just can’t stop watching no matter how orange your fingers get. Fans of TV from three decades ago will binge on these four DVDs until they hit the final episode. Why? Because it’s got Richard Dawson kissing Richard Deacon! It reminds us that Jeff Altman was considered a cast member of The Dukes of Hazzard. It reunited Peter Lupus and Greg Morris from Mission: Impossible. It lets us know who would win in a battle between Family versus Eight Is Enough. Plus they have Batman versus Batgirl when Adam West stares down Yvonne Craig. Heather Locklear bumps up against Heather Thomas!

    This is the greatest fix a TV junky could ever crave. The source video is rough in places, but the historic nature of these battles shine through the glitches. They even have Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. Bowser!

    Plus it’s educational. Did you know that Richard Deacon wrote a microwave cookbook? Lumpy Rutherford’s dad was an atomic chef. You can still find used copies on amazon.

    HOWARD-MANIA

    Howard Cosell has been sneaking back from the grave thanks to DVDs. The Bronx Is Burning: World Championship Limited Edition has a bonus disc with ABC’s original coverage of the 1977 World Series with Howard and Keith Jackson in the booth. Those two knew how to sport a mustard blazer. While they have highlights of the games, they also include the complete Game Six broadcast. Howard was so much better behind the microphone than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. I was wrong to hate Howard. He might have been a loudmouth, but he was entertaining.

    Howard also knew how to play himself on TV. The Odd Couple: The Third Season has entire episode dedicated to him. “Big Mouth” has Howard in a jerk-off with Oscar Madison. It’s rare to see a personality hang with Jack Klugman, but Howard pulled it off. Also this boxset features football superstars Bubba Smith and Deacon Jones.

    Sadly there is no cameo of Howard on Hawaii Five-O: The Third Season. Who would win in a battle of Jack Lord and Cosell? Imagine their hair in the tropical breeze. There are other reasons to enjoy this season of island justice. The episode “The Late John Lousiana” should be ripped off for a film. A hitman falls for his target and they secretly get married after he fakes her death so he can collect the bounty as a wedding present. There’s a nasty piece of trivia going around that Jack Lord never said, “Book ’em, Danno” on the show. While Bogart never said, “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca, Jack Lord decreed “Book ’em, Danno” on several occasions in the Third Season boxset.

    PUMPED DOWN

    In a cable universe that gives us Ninja Warrior and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, the revival of American Gladiators is pathetic. We get to watch semi-normal people take on the Gladiators as Hulk Hogan does his normal rants. That’s entertainment?

    The producers appear to have lifted a few obstacles from Ninja Warrior. They put the obstacles over water like Ninja Warrior. But there’s no Nagano in the contestant pool.

    Congress is nuts about steroids in baseball. Mark McGwire gets denied entry into the Hall of Fame. But NBC has no problem making a buck off the folks that “spotted” Barry Bonds at the BALCO gym. Did NBC-Universal test Wolf and Hellga to make sure they pee pure? What are the odds we’ll be seeing Hellga in the tabloids as the new Chyna? The network didn’t do too many background checks since it was exposed that Militia posed naked in solo pics for a gay porn site. Is how the network discovers their new talent? Ever wonder how NBC talent scouted Carson Daly and Billy Bush? Visit greasedanchorstuds.com to see NBC’s Stars of Tomorrow. Hulk Hogan didn’t get his body from merely eating his vegetables and saying his prayers, brotha! Get the Roids out of NBC-Universal. And this means no more free HGH for Bob Costas.

    You want to put real fear in the competitors, let them know that the losers will be driven home by Nick Hogan. When will we get a true version of Ninja Warriors in America? Bet Titan couldn’t match Nagno.

    HE’D PUT AN END TO IT

    Why did Vern Schillinger let his 16 year old daughter get knocked up? Seeing how Vern already snuffed his other offspring on Oz; what kept him from making Juno disappear? Is Vern turning into a softie? Where’s the parental evil?

    ARGH

    The worst film of 2007 was Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. If only the camera truck had fallen off the end of the world and plummeted into the abyss, we’d all be better off. Maybe there were crappier films, but none were as completely disappointing and made me sit through two crappy films. While Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl ran long, it was mostly entertaining. Johnny Depp nailed his Keith Richards pirate act. He earned his Oscar nomination.

    Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest ended without an ending. Was it a good film? Was it a bad film? What did we see for two and a half hours? It was like the last two Matrix films and Kill Bill. How can you truly know if you’ve seen a good movie until you see both movies? Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End was nearly three hours long. This means that Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer had over five hours of screen time on these films. When it was over, it wasn’t an epic. It was septic. This was like taking the hottest girl in high school to the prom. You’re extra patient and behaved the entire night in hopes of a kiss. As Donna Summer’s “Last Dance” plays, you discover her in the janitor closet blowing the chauffeur – and he still expects a tip for the ride.

    Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow became more annoying than conniving. They kept having multiple Sparrows on the screen to exponentially increase the suck. Why couldn’t everyone die at the end of the film? What prevented the guy at the lab from pouring acid onto the negative instead of fixer?

    After these two Pirate films, Depp needs to return his Oscar nomination. Perhaps during the ceremony, he should be forced to walk a plank into the orchestra pit. His ultimate punishment is to co-star in a buddy cop film with Dane Cook.

    THAT YOU, LOUIE?

    Louis C.K. refused my invitation to lunch while he was performing in my neighborhood during New Year’s Eve. I was even going to pick up the check. But no dice. He needed more time to fine tune his material for an upcoming HBO special where Rick Baker will transform him into Dane Cook. This means there’s no inside scoop on Pootie Tang 2. No insight into love scenes with the voice of Bobby Hill. And zero reflections on seeing his full head of hair on the early Dr. Katz cartoons. The free lunch if off the table, Louis C.K. You’ll be lucky to get a Fresca from the Party Favors petty cash fund.

    Coincidentally, the petty cash fund is funded by selling vintage Tom Petty 8-tracks on ebay.

    KICKIN’ FOREVER

    What sport has the shortest off-season: Hockey, NASCAR, Tennis, Golf or Soccer? It’s early January and there’s fresh soccer on the Fox Soccer Channel. Wonder why there’s not as many soccer fans in America? Cause we’re all about “wait till next season!” But when there’s no real off-season, what’s the point of waiting? The games just keep coming and they keep having weird exhibitions and tournaments and friendlies during the season. It’s on par with your neighborhood Wiffleball league.

    Soccer needs to quit letting the sponsor’s name dominate their shirt. The casual fan in a noisy bar stares at the game on a TV and can’t match the teams with players. Why not call them the Manchester AIGs? Or the LA Herbalife? Make it simple for the less-than devoted.

    I do like seeing soccer fans hurl smoke bombs on the field. Whenever I go to a sporting event in America, I get probed as if I’m Osama Bin Party with IEVodkas tucked in my ass. In England, you can waltz into a soccer stadium with road flares in your mouth as long as you’re wearing your team scarf.

    AWARD WINNER RESPONDS!

    After naming Patrick Warburton the King of TV Comedy for 2007, he actually sent the Party Favors an acceptance e-mail.

    Warburton wrote, “Thanks bro, that was a riot! Happy holidays!”

    Take that Golden Globes and People’s Choice Awards. We got stars accepting their cyber hardware.

    Now who were the other stars of 2007 according to this column?

    Who was the biggest movie star of the year? Jason Lee wins the prize. How did Underdog not completely dog out at the box office? Who isn’t shocked that Alvin and the Chipmunks might make $200 million? The mark of a true movie star isn’t being good in a great film, but carrying a complete turd into box office nirvana. Jason Lee is the new Tom Cruise.

    The Most Beautiful Film of the Year goes to Once. While it’s not a perfect film, it’s so damn charming with great musical performances that these Broadway adaptations can’t touch. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova timidly duet on “Falling Slowly” in the music store is cinema magic. It’s what an emotional music moment should achieve. If you’re on a date watching Once, and your companion doesn’t impulsively kiss you at the end of that scene, dump ’em. They’re androids. What’s extra thrilling is this is a film about a musician that avoids turning into an episode VH1 Behind the Music. Glen has woman problems. He’s fixing vacuums and playing his guitar in the street. But he’s not strung out on smack or killing a bandmate in a drunk driving accident. It’s a nice film about people who sing. It restored my faith that you can make a musical without it turning into Disney Broadway Bound Production. When watching it on DVD, you might want to turn on the English captions so you can figure out what the extreme Irish characters are saying.

    DVD of the year is a tie between Idiocracy and Caligula (Three Disc Imperial Edition). Idiocracy dares to probe what will happen to America if we continue on a path of letting the Freakshow from Madison Avenue dictate our culture. Caligula reminds us of how naughty Helen Mirren can be. The fact that she did a commentary track for this film shows she’s not as prudish as Queen Elizabeth. Malcolm McDowell’s commentary track explains how this project went out of control. An alternate cut of the film is much better than the theatrical although it lacks the hardcore moments.

    BOURDAIN IS BACK

    Talk about twice the travel treats each week. Anthony Bourdain returns with a fresh batch of No Reservations on the Travel Channel. The man knows how to find the good eating around the globe. I’m ready to book a trip to Singapore to eat at the hotel’s buffet. Also the Food Network is rerunning his Cook’s Tour series that ran at the dawn of the 21st Century. After all the trash talking Bourdain has done about the Food Network’s programming, the channel has resurrected his show to keep the ladies drooling every Tuesday at 10:30 p.m.

    Bourdain is the only travel show host that I’d care to bump into on vacation. Cause you know if you’re cool around him, he’s going to show you best dinner spot and get you liquored up.

    In a sad food story, the Underground is no more. The greatest place to eat in Raleigh has shut down and we’re orphans looking for a new place to truly dine. The final meal I ordered there was a rabbit loin wrapped around collards and bacon. It was divine and only cost $9. We’ve tried a few places with similar approaches, but none have given us Foodgasms. We’re close to hibernating until Chef Daniel Taylor opens a new restaurant that delivers the goodness.

    GET ‘EM OFF THE FLOOR

    Why is BBCAmerica running repeats of the American version of Dancing with the Stars? The whole point of this channel is to let us poor uncultured souls in the states get a glimpse of British entertainment. But now they’re feeding us back Master P in his dancing sneakers. This is an outrage! Why don’t they just start showing reruns of Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas? Those shows were popular in England. This is a disgrace and further proof that the Boston Tea Party was a good thing.

    GIMME A FIX

    How dare Dr. Drew refuse to check me into Celebrity Rehab. Doesn’t he understand that addiction to Sudoku is serious? I’m a prisoner to numbers and boxes! I can be an emotional trainwreck like a lost Baldwin brother. Cure me of this sickness, Dr. Drew!

    What is the point of curing Mary Carey of her sex addiction? What else does she have to offer the world of showbiz? Would you want to fix Harvey Keitel’s accent? Would Dr. Drew remove Mel Tillis’ stutter? Would he make that kid from High School Musical macho? If this woman goes on the saltpeter diet, she’s screwed out of her career. Nobody fast forwards through a Mary Carey video to get to the emoting. Will being cured of her libido make her the perfect candidate for California governor? She needs to stop getting liquored up like Foster Brook’s designated driver, but for the sake of the children, keep her horny.

    In order to cure these celebrities, Dr. Drew needs to use a few of the techniques developed at the Party Favors Rehab Center and Hardcore Fighting Academy. Remove the cameras from their faces. If you must film them, do it through those spy mirrors so they don’t play to the cameras. They need to be purified of airtime. Make them abstain from TMZ coverage. Remind them that the tabloids should not be used as a substitute for a family photo album. Make them pay for their drinks. Nothing sobers up a star faster than having to pay $15 for a Bud at ReTox.

  • Party Favors: Bunny Wrangling

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    VIRGINIA CITY, NV – Why start off the New Year by staring at the skeletal remains of The Crypt Keeper and his son (Dick Clark & Carson Daly) or the skanky duo of Ryan Seacrest and Tila Tequila? HBO is giving you a sexy reason to drop your ball at 12:05 a.m. with Cathouse: The Musical.

    Dennis Hof has allowed America a peak behind curtain of his Moonlite Bunny Ranch to see how a legal brothel runs. This year he’s raising the curtain and putting on a show worthy of a Mickey Rooney-Judy Garland movie. This isn’t an amateur hour production as evidenced by this clip.

    Who came up with the brilliant idea of a musical that’s geared toward heterosexual men? Hof and a few of the Bunnies phoned up the Party Favors to explain this entertainment spectacular. “Sheila Nivens calls me and says, ‘Cathouse: the Musical.‘ I said, ‘Great! Let’s do it.’ And she said, ‘Can you sing?’ “Sing? I banged 11 out of 13 girls in the church choir. Of course I can sing. Hell ya, I can sing.’ ‘What about the girls?’ ‘They can sing, too. If they can’t we’ll make ’em sing. We’ll teach ’em.’ That’s what happened.

    Nivens picked out a special song from 42nd Street for Dennis to croon. He was up for the challenge. “They started sending out singing coaches and choreographers to teach the girls and me. We’ve been in the process of this special for ten months at least.”

    This wasn’t merely having a girls lip synch around the Bunny Ranch while servicing V.I.P customers. “They really spent the money on this,” Dennis declared. “For the filming of the musical, I had them go to Piper’s Opera House. It’s a historic place in Virginia City. Five or six presidents have been there for events. Mark Twain was in a play there. HBO paid a year’s rent on the building. They spent a fortune building all the set. As much effort has gone into this one show that has gone into the entire 11 week series.”

    There would be more musical accompaniment than the proverbial piano player in a whorehouse. “We’ve got a whole band. We have a whole orchestra,” Dennis said.

    Patti Kaplan, the most influential director in America, tapped into her inner Bob Fosse to capture this spectacular. The hour-long special mixes the women singing and dancing with their everyday work. This isn’t just a cut and paste musical performances that you’d catch on PBS during pledge month. Dennis is still amazed at the transitions.

    “We used my nightclub as a rehearsal space. The decor is a little bit like the Ranch. When you’re watching the rehearsal it looks like we’re in a different part of the Ranch. They filmed all the tryouts, the dance rehearsal and they mixed all this stuff up. You’ll be seeing at the Ranch a bunch of girls sitting around a Sybian. Brooke comes out, gets on the Sybian and has this earth shattering orgasm. It flips into her song. It’s a beautiful set and she looks like a million dollars. It’s amazing how they led into all this stuff.”

    Brooke is proud of her song, but can’t let her mother see the whole performance. “Right before I do my solo, which I want her to see, I do a sybian ride which I don’t want her to see. I told her that she’s going to have close her eyes until that point and she’ll just have to guess when to open her eyes. But I lied to her and told her that I faked it so she’ll think it isn’t real anyhow. There’s no way you can have a fake orgasm on a sybian. It’s impossible. They’re good for a couple times a year, otherwise I lose feeling.”

    There was a lot of other non-fake sexual moments captured by the cameras. “It’s just an amazing undertaking and it was fun,” Dennis said. “Here we are on these sets and the girls are doing their thing. During the breaks they’re having sex with each other in the corner. It was like Chorus Line in the Cathouse.

    Bunny Love swears she wasn’t part of the off stage hanky panky. “No. I’m gay for pay. So there wasn’t anyone there that I was interested in touching.”

    During the sound mixing, the head of post production facility told Dennis that on the average “live concert” by singing superstars they make dozens of pitch tone corrections. “On Brooke’s songs they made three,” Dennis proudly reported. “They’re pushing her to do a pop album.”

    Brooke was up to the challenge of being in a musical. “I have a degree in music,” she said. “It was exciting and then daunting that first came to my mind. It was a lot fun and a lot of work. I did the most songs. I had one day off in the three weeks they were up here filming. That was only because I said, ‘I had to have today off.’ It was tough. It was a whirlwind. When it was all done, I wish I could gone back and done it all over again.”

    Was she more nervous seeing this special or the first time she partied with a Bunny Ranch guest? “I have a deep rooted background in music,” Brooke said. “I had to live up to my education and my background. This was more personal for me. I was more nervous about this. ‘Can’t I just give a blow job? Can’t I just get naked? Isn’t there someone I could have sex with?””

    Brooke does seem amazed that she’s been able to pull off a career move that will set her college career advisors in a tizzy. Has anyone else been able to land an HBO musical special while working at a legal brothel?

    “I’m an entertainer,” Brooke said. “I’m using all of my oral skills.”

    This has been a fascinating life for her as she puts her college degree to work. “I’ve been really lucky to bring in all aspects of my life that I enjoy sex, music, meeting people and traveling,” Brooke declared. “People are telling me that I’m exploited in this job, but I’m doing great. I’m doing everything that I want to do and I’m getting everything out of life that I’m putting into it. (The Musical) is one aspect of the job that I never imagined and I’m very thankful for.”

    She does wish that they could perform the show live. “We’ll let you know if we start touring. We’ll definitely come to your city,” Brooke promised.

    Bunny Love wasn’t overwhelmed at the concept of the special. “I thought it was pretty amusing of an idea. I’d seen it done before on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Scrubs. I thought it was a crazy idea, but if anybody can make it work, we can.”

    Her background prepared her for the experience. “It wasn’t that big of a deal for me,” Bunny Love said. “I’ve done productions with ballet and theater so the lights and the cameras didn’t effect me so much. It was just about learning my routines and steps.”

    Bunny and the others still had to put in hours at the Ranch, but it didn’t wear them out. “It’s not like I was doing something for a different employer. They understood that you needed rehearsal time and can’t be on the floor for your normal shift. It was stressful and tiring, but we pulled through it.”

    Will the experience lead Bunny Love to appear on Dancing with the Stars? “Lord, no,” she said.

    Air Force Amy was game for performing. “You never say ‘no’ to anything around here cause you never know what it’ll develop into. I said, ‘If you want me and think you can do something with it, go ahead. I’ll be available.’”

    She’s been working at the Bunny Ranch for quite a bit of time. How weird was it to realize that she was going to be singing and dancing instead of her normal duties for the show? “It’s all weird. It’s absolutely hilarious,” she said.

    During our conversation, we remembered the cinematic joy that was Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. “This ain’t the first musical to come out of a brothel,” she said. Although Cathouse: The Musical should be the better of the two.

    The only artistic difference that Air Force Amy had with the production came down to footwear. She discarded the shoes provided by the wardrobe mistress. ” I brought my own shoes. I’m wearing Chanel. I’m not doing a musical that’s going to DVD without wearing my Chanel.”

    Air Force Amy really did serve in the military. While stationed in the Philippines, she saw Bob Hope’s USO show. It’s nice to know that troops around the globe will have a little holiday entertainment when she and other bunnies perform “I Know What Boys Want.”

    I’m sadden to report that Isabella Soprano is not part of the musical. She’s still at her organic farm in New England. I was hoping to see her solo with Spinal Tap’s “Sex Farm.”

    Dennis is juiced about the upcoming special. “People are going to be amazed. You expect hooker to suck and fuck and satisfy a man. You don’t expect them to be educated, articulate and talented.”

    He sees this special as altering the way folks will enjoy the New Year after the Time Square ball drops.

    “HBO has given us the prime slot. I’m getting hundreds of emails from people saying they’re having Cathouse parties at their homes. They want us to send them menus. I’m going to spend my whole New Year’s Eve calling various parties and saying hello to people. It used to be Dick Clark from Time Square, now it’s Big Dick Daddy from the Bunny Ranch on New Year’s Eve on HBO.”

    Why would anybody want to watch a pack of whores like Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest when there’s a chance to watch the fine ladies of the Bunny Ranch? After a year of having to endure your kids endless viewing of High School Musical and High School Musical 2, it’s time to put them to bed, pop the second bottle of champagne and remember that New Year’s Eve is an adult holiday.

    HOW TO HAVE A FUNDRAISER

    Dennis Hof has been amazed at all the coverage he’s received for his endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul. Dennis has helped Paul get nearly as much press as Oprah’s done for Obama. “Every newspaper in New York City wrote about it,” Dennis said. Until the Iowa Caucus, if you drop by the Bunny Ranch and declare, “I’m pimping for Ron Paul,” you get the services of two women for the price of one.

    Brooke Taylor doesn’t mind the campaign fundraiser. “I love it. I’ve never had so much help giving blowjobs. I get to pull one of my friends in to help me out. It’s great.

    “There’s nothing I like better than a man and a woman together with me in the middle. You get the best of both worlds. Everyone has something to do. Everyone always has a mouthful. Couples are a big part of my business. It’s so great to be able spice up their sex life. There’s nothing better than the next time I masturbate thinking about the great sex they’re having after having been with me. I know they are talking about it and fantasizing about the next visit. I love that.”

    This is much better than paying $2,000 to eat a rubber chicken and get a Polaroid with the candidate.

    STRIKE RELIEF

    Damn this Writer’s Strike. I’m sick of what’s being offered on network TV. Why are the rules of ABC’s Duel more difficult than the questions? Enough of the broadcast, it’s time to dip back into the latest DVDs of older shows in order to be entertained.

    The Tudors – The Complete First Season contains combines the educational influence of The History Channel with the adult entertainment value of classic Showtime. The Tudors could have turned into Henry VIII Babies, but the series played smart. Natalie Dormer’s performance of Anne Boleyn reminds us how a King could start his own church. While Jonathan Rhys Meyers is great as the young English monarch, you want to see him break into an Elvis snarl that he rocked in the miniseries Elvis.

    Gunsmoke, The Second Season, Volume 1 gives up the first 20 episodes of the sophomore outing. While this is still Chester-era, Festus appears in “Brush at Elkader.” Sheriff Matt Dillon still enjoys mingling with the hookers at Miss Kitty’s bar. The bonus on the collection is the sponsor spots for L&M Cigarettes. James Arness made smoking look so sexy when he took a drag and said, “Light up, Free up. Live Modern.” Is there a sense of irony in that ad campaign? Best one is him and Miss Kitty sharing a light.

    The Odd Couple: The Third Season contains the roommates visits to the set of Password and The Price Is Right. Nothing says great ’70s TV moment than Jack Klugman rubbing elbows with Monty Hall. Although some may want to view the show to check out Tony Randall’s amazing fashion sense. That man know how to look suave. No wonder he was the neat freak.

    Hawaii Five-O: The Third Season brings more criminals to the 50th State for Steve McGarrett to book. The series kicks off with Wo Fat terrorizing a neurosurgeon with “And A Time to Die.” “The Double Wall” brings Boss Hogg (Sorrell Booke) to the island. How do criminals not surrender when they encounter Jack Lord’s defiant hair? The show was still clicking at a high level for season three.

    BAD SANTA

    NBC sunk to a new low with its Yule Time edition of To Catch A Predator. The show started of innocent enough with a little girl discovering Santa Claus in front of her Christmas tree.

    “You made it!” she exclaims.

    Santa gives a jolly laugh and puts down his sack. “You want to give Santa a hug?”

    The girl smiles. “Wait a minute. I need to get your cookies and milk!” The girl disappears into the kitchen.

    “Don’t wake up your parents,” Santa warns. “Or you won’t get a pony.”

    From behind the refrigerator steps Chris Hansen.

    “Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be showing up in the middle of the night to see 10 year old girls?” Chris asks. Santa looks pretty damn startled that the girl is gone.

    “It’s my job,” Santa says. “I bring gifts to all the good little boys and girls on Christmas Eve.”

    “Gifts? What do you expect to be given for your gifts?”

    “They have to be nice.”

    “What does it take for a naughty girl to get on your nice list?”
    ?”What are you insinuating?’

    Hansen waves a pile of papers. “I have your emails. If she’s a nice girl; you promise to come down her chimney. You like coming down the chimneys of little girls and boys while they sleep? Is that how you get your kicks?”

    “That’s not what it means!” Santa waves his finger at Chris. “You’re not getting a pony this year.”

    Santa races towards the fireplaces. The cops pounce on his ass. He’s hauled away. The SPCA takes control of the reindeer on the roof. It’s just sad how NBC stoops.

    THE GAME CONTINUES

    This is that unique time of the season when movie critics attempt to blow their favorite directors while attempting to impress us with their huge balls. Do we really care what the Boise Radio Reviewers ordain a film as the greatest of the year?

    What we also get is flooded with diatribes about how TV is ruining movies. I’ve had it with these Cinema Bigots. For some reason anything that’s not projected at a multiplex for $12 a head is inferior entertainment. As if 24 frames per second is superior to 30 frames per second. This of course is complete crap. Is Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector funnier than an episode of Hogan’s Heroes? Are any of the Mission: Impossible movies better than the series? Is there any American cinematic drama of the past decade equal to HBO’s The Wire?

    The good news about the writer’s strike is that The Wire might finally get decent ratings for its fifth season that starts January 6 at 9 p.m. (eastern time). This year the focus will be on how the media plays a role in the urban warfare in Baltimore. You might want to get caught up either by DVD or reruns on BET. I recommend the DVDs since BET has to take out the hardcore gangster action.

    ROCKIN’ W/ LEONARD

    Congratulations go out to Leonard Cohen for making the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. This has to be the upset victory of 2007 when he bumped the Beastie Boys from the glory of Cleveland. How did the Mystic of Montreal pull it off? His voice has the range of Mack Truck engine. He sings about spacey ladies who like tea and oranges that come all the way from China. By the way, both the tea and oranges have been recalled. Is he rock? Leonard isn’t a complete folkie. He recorded “Don’t Go Home With Your Hard-On” with Phil Spector diddling the knobs. “First We Take Manhattan” has a classy rage.

    It’s strange to think that Leonard Cohen got into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame before Steve Miller. Isn’t Rock n Roll all about the Space Cowboy and the Gangster of Love? I only hope Leonard is inducted by 50 Cent – since they’re both pimps.

  • Party Favors: Malibu-Bye

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    MALIBU – Thankfully the Santa Ana flamed fires have spared my latest business venture. Having Satan for a silent partner has its advantages.

    I’ve decided to give Promises and Dr. Drew a run for the star detox business by offering a revolutionary approach at The Party Favors Rehab Center and Hardcore Fighting Academy. We believe you can’t clean up your life until your clock is cleaned.

    While other rehab centers will baby you with meatball psychiatry and compassion, your first day at PFRCHFC is all about wailing on your ass. You think your old man was hard on you, wait till our staff of trained “therapists” take you down into the Tyler Durden Memorial Basement for intense small group sessions. You won’t care about withdrawal pains since you’ll be too concerned about how many teeth you have left. Other rehab centers have you cleaning toilets. We’re going to use your head as a bowl brush. You’ll be gargling with Mr. Clean. We won’t have you making beds or doing laundry. You’re sleeping on the basement floor in a loin cloth. When you get out of our rehab center, the TMZ pests will dash away since you’ll smell like an animal that has been locked in the basement for six weeks.

    Will you be cured? Not quite. You’ll still be addicted to alcohol, although now it will be applied to your flesh with cottonballs after your “break through” sessions.

    For those of you who can “handle” your drinking, Party Favors is pleased to announce that it’s getting into premium booze business. We’ll be joining Jay-Z and Donald Trump on the top shelf. Instead of getting into the fancy vodka business, the Party Favors Distillery squeezes out high quality Moonshine.

    Our two signature brands that’ll be clogging the aisles at Macy’s Liquor store are Granny’s XXX and Otis’ Secret Stash. Granny’s XXX comes in an authentic little brown jug. Originally the bottle was going to mention that it’s for medicinal purposes, but the FDA told us it wasn’t a cure for legitimate diseases. As if Restless Leg Syndrome is a real disease. If you suffer from drinking too much house paint, Granny’s XXX is guaranteed to peel the semi-gloss off your small intestine. Granny’s XXX comes in one flavor: harsh. We recommend you dilute it with Ronson lighter fluid.

    Otis’ Secret Stash has a variety of flavors including Cherry, Peach, Strawberry and Pineapple. Instead of using bunch of artificial ingredients, we chop up the fruits and squeeze ’em into the bottle. You can put the diced delights on your morning pancakes as a hangover cure. The Pineapple is my favorite. If you eat a chunk of the shine soaked golden fruit, you’ll get a vision of Jack Lord.

    While we use an authentic Southern recipe, our bottles promise that we don’t resort to an old car radiator as a condenser. Does Donald Trump promise that he doesn’t use his old Rolls Royce radiator on Trump Vodka? If the Donald drank a little Granny’s XXX, he’d grow a real haircut.

    These are only the first two points of the Party Favors triangle of pleasure. We’re proud to announce our new bar at Las Vegas’s Zanzibar Casino and Hotel. ReTox opens on the 4th of July, 2008. The club’s slogan is “When you’re ready to fall off the wagon, we’ll catch you.” I can’t give too many details except we are in negotiations to lure Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to host our “Screw the Chip” opening night. Plus we’ll be the future home to the Little Miss Booze pageant. Mondays will be 2 for 1 drink night for “graduates” of PFRCHFC.

    We do offer gift cards in case you want to give a friend the present of booze, decadence or sobriety this holiday season. Party Favors wants to be your full-service alcohol abuse destination.

    HATIN’ THE HOBBIT

    Peter Jackson didn’t get any brotherly love in Philadelphia. My sources on the set of The Lovely Bones said the local crew was frustrated with the Oscar winning director. He’s described as being unprepared for the film.

    The local crew members are used to working on M. Night Shyamalan’s films. He’s meticulous in his production work. He knows what he wants and they give it to him. They expected the same from Jackson seeing how he pulled off Lord of the Rings and King Kong. They joked that Jackson would have a CGI version of the film that they’d capture in the flesh.

    Instead Jackson became notorious for arriving at the location without the rush to make movie history. When he did make a “artiste” decision, it didn’t produce applause. One incident described how Jackson demand a complicated multi-camera set up. The crew warned him that the moves weren’t going to work in the tight location space. He wouldn’t alter his plans. They spent hours setting it up. They were quietly hoping to be proven wrong by the man. They wanted to bask in his genius. After the first take; Jackson declared it a dud and scrapped his initial vision for the shot. He didn’t inspire trust amongst the natives.

    Could this explain why Ryan Gosling is no longer the lead in the film? Rumors spread that Jackson found Gosling “demanding.” Perhaps Gosling was expecting Jackson to be more demanding?

    Does Jackson always work like an anti-Roman Polanski? Did he wander onto the set and wait for the cinematic inspiration on Lord of the Rings? Or maybe leaving the land of Kiwis has thrown off his game. Philadelphia is a town that can suck the life out of you – just ask Terrell Owens and Santa. All that cheese steak can clog your mind. Does sound like Jackson’s tombstone will pay homage to W.C. Fields’ epitaph.

    HOLLY GOLLY DVDS

    The screenwriter’s strike continues so that means more time to spend with my DVD collection. Do I really need to see stars promote films that stunk up the screen last year? Here’s a few titles I’ve been enjoying and might great Christmas gifts for your special friends that aren’t happy with donations to the Human Fund.

    Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. The Third Season takes us back to Camp Henderson. While 1966 to 67 marked an escalation of the war in Vietnam, Gomer hadn’t a care about battling the Cong in a rice patty. His only wanted to keep Sgt. Carter happy. There’s not even a subtext of Vietnam in the scripts. It’s a beautiful alternate America that has Gomer defending it. “Gomer and the Little Green Men From Outer Space” has our favorite private receive a close encounter of the third kind. Naturally everyone thinks he’s gone nuts. The closest Gomer comes to shipped out to Asia is his tenure in a tiki bar watching Lou-Ann Poovie sing. Even though the nightclub has a Pacific island feel, we’re told it’s the Congo Club. Gomer Pyle’s basic mission was to entertain without making the viewers remember the evening news from Southeast Asia. Mission Accomplished.

    Mod Squad, Season One, Volume One brings us the grooviest cops on the beat. Three troubled teens become undercover cops because of a strange plea deal. They’re sort of like La Femme Nikita as a ménage à trois minus the sexual tension. Linc’s a Watts revolutionary. Peter’s a rich kid from Beverly Hills. Julie’s a hippie chick from San Francisco. They infiltrate operations that the normal undercover cop couldn’t handle. Who would expect sweet little Julie to be the Man? The show has aged with a comic charm. There’s something hilarious about the prime time attitude towards the subculture. “A Time to Love – A Time to Cry” has a photographer tripping on LSD. While coming down, he discovers his model is dead. The Mod Squad sneak into an artists’ colony to discover the truth. If your only exposure to Mod Squad was that crapfest movie with Claire Danes, flush it from your mind. The series is so much better. Peggy Lipton is cutier. She’s perfect as the blonde California beach girl. This boxset contains the first 13 episodes that aired in the Fall of 1968.

    Rawhide, Season Two, Volume Two brings us another heaping spoonful of Clint Eastwood on the range. The endless cattle drive continues with sixteen more episodes. “Incident of the Stargazer” has Buddy Ebsen which means you’ll see Barnaby Jones tangle with Dirty Harry. “Incident of the Dancing Death” gives Sam Peckinpah regular Warren Oates time with the cattle. “Incident of the Deserter” has the cook falls in love and start a restaurant in the wilderness. Can the crew live on Clint’s meals? What makes Rawhide great is they didn’t fake the show. They really are moving a herd of cows across the range. Clint isn’t standing by a rear projection screen faking it on a plastic horse.

    Midnight Movies explores cult cinema that took hold when the clock struck twelve. We see how El Topo, Night of the Living Dead, Freaks, Reefer Madness, The Harder They Come, Pink Flamingos, Rocky Horror Picture Show and Eraserhead took hold in an era before VCRs. All the major people related to the films are interviewed. They all point out that Midnight Moviegoers preferred to smoke dope and use popcorn for their munchies. You might want to have a few of the featured films on DVD so you can launch into the late night magic afterward.

    There’s no review for Saturday Night Live Season – The Complete Second Season since it has been whisked to a secure and secret location and won’t be revealed until Christmas morning. All you need to know is that this is the arrival of Bill Murray and the departure of Chevy Chase. A comedic win-win.

    Any exercise video that begins with Carmen Electra saying, “Thank you so much for bringing me into your bedroom. I’m so happy to be here” moves to the top of the workout pile. Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease – In the Bedroom is more enjoyable than Todd Field’s In the Bedroom. The routine starts out with stretching on the floor in front of the bed. After ten minutes, Carmen moves the action onto the mattress. The isometric holds made me break a sweat. Carmen does wear her sneakers into bed, but that’s probably a gym rule. The second half workout features her in a Las Vegas hotel room with a view of the Wynn. She’s wearing a pair of heels for this more involved routine. To help her feel the burn, she slaps her butt. Did she clear that move with a physician? Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease – Vegas Strip has her start off the workout by saying, “The whole point of this series is to really feel your body. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself.” I’m overwhelmed with emotion at this affirmation. This routine is performed on the dance floor of the MGM Grand’s Studio 54. Carmen brought along two girlfriends. Once you’ve mastered these motions, you’ll be ready to tryout for the Pussycat Dolls. This DVD is more fun than my last stay on the Vegas Strip and nobody pesters you into visiting a time share resort.

    The seventh wave of Disney Treasures DVDs are a must buy for Magic Kingdom freaks. The Adventures of Oswalt the Lucky Rabbit contains the surviving 13 cartoons featuring Walt’s pre-Mickey Mouse animated hero. He’s pretty much Mickey Mouse with longer ears. The second disc in the tin is dedicated to Ub Iwerks, the man who animated Disney’s early cartoons. The Chronological Donald Duck, Volume Three (1947 – 50) has 30 shorts featuring the squawking waterfowl. This collection features the introduction of Chip n Dale to torture Donald. The quality of the restoration on these shorts is better than Volume 2. Disneyland – Secrets, Stories & Magic skimps on the secrets. There’s zero talk of Club 33 – the hidden bar near Pirates of the Caribbean. The main film is about as probing as a Travel Channel special. The bonus features rule on this set especially Disneyland U.S.A, a cinemascope tour of the park from 1956. Annette Funicello twirls around in “The Golden Horseshoe Revue.” They throw a reproduction of the old ticket book in the tin. For folks who make pilgrimage’s to Anaheim and Orlando, you better grab this for your collection since they only pressed 50,000.

    EVEL’S LAST JUMP

    The true cause of Evel Knievel’s death won’t appear in the coroner’s report. What brought down the legendary daredevil was a fatal stunt he performed two days before his final sleep. He announced to the press that he had settled his public feud with Kanye West. They were friends. His peace with the rapper became the ramp that aimed him into the grave.

    Evel broke every bone in his body. What kept him together for 69 years? Pure spite. Watch any interview with Evel and you’ll see him hold grudges against anyone he perceived screwed him over. A few years back on the Jim Rome radio show, Evel was ready to kick the ass of a kid from his elementary school days. In documentaries, there are hours of him cussing about the guy who engineered his rocket-cycle at Snake River. Once a person went on Evel’s list, they feared him showing up on their doorstep with a baseball bat.

    Evel sued Kayne for ripping off the story of Snake River for the “Touch the Sky” video featuring “Evel Kaynevel.” Evel was pissed off that Kayne had used his daredevil image to “promote his filth to the world.” Two days before his passing, Evel announced they had settled the lawsuit. They posed for a picture as if they were best of pals. Evel told the press, “I thought he was a wonderful guy and quite a gentleman.” When Evel forgave Kayne, his body couldn’t deal with it since his heart was fueled with spite. Like putting sugar in the gas tank, Evel’s engine locked up. He overdosed on bygones.

    Perhaps in heaven Evel will be reunited with the sharks from the tank in Chicago? Or maybe he’s swapping sucker punches with Norman Mailer? What we do know is that his ghost won’t be swinging a Louisville Slugger at Kanye’s dome.

    SOUND OF THE SEASON

    There are three 24/7 Christmas radio stations in my town. Why? There’s more Christmas music on the dial than rock. They started the “Jingle Bell Rock” a week before Thanksgiving. What’s irritating is the simple fact that there might be thousands of Christmas records, but each on of them has the same 15 songs. Did you know you can program a solid nine days of nothing but “The Little Drummer Boy” without repeating an artist? Bet the guys in Gitmo don’t get the aural torture that greets a mall employee for their 10 hour shift at the Sunglass Hut.

    RANDOM TV NOTES

    When will ATT run a commercial with Dick Cheney telling us how he spends his time in secure and secret locations, meeting with people that must remain private, attending off-the-record conferences and relaxing in his man-sized safe? Dick declares at the end, “I need a phone that works where I live. A place I call Noneofyourfnbusinessaholes.”

    When is John Cho going to end up on Dancing With the Stars? The Harold and Kumar Go to the White Castle star must seduce America with his twinkle toes.

    Lifetime’s America’s Psychic Challenge needs to have the ultimate final test: Pick the winning numbers of all the major lotteries for that week. Wouldn’t you want to tune in for that episode? You give me the Powerball digits and you’ve earned the title. Lifetime’s got a great new title for a show: How to Look Good Naked. Why isn’t this series on HBO? These people won’t be naked cause they’ll always have those blur splotches on their bodies. We don’t need more teaser TV.

    This gives me hope for my upcoming series: Do You Mind If I Put My Private Parts In Your Mouth? It’s based off the BBC 4 show Schlong Along My Ding Dong. We’re hoping to land Andy Dick as the host. He’s already developing our new MTV series, How Bad Are You Willing to Break Into Showbiz. As Art Linkloser once said, “Desperate attention whores make the best contestants.”

    How come for all the publicity for I Am Legend not one of the suck up infotainment shows are willing to admit this film is a remake of Last Man on Earth and Omega Man? Is the Fresh Prince ashamed of being connected to Vincent Price and Charlton Heston? On Entertainment Tonight, the director of the film claimed that an element of Will’s character was something they created. Note to Francis Lawrence: you didn’t think that hard. Your genius idea was featured in the earlier films. Will Smith is the third last person on the planet.

    Did Tom Hanks think he was playing Dean Martin in Charlie Wilson’s War? The shot of him in the tux with the tumbler is only short Jerry Lewis to be a full Dino impersonation.

    I’m still irritated that certain cable channels run the closing credits of movies beneath the opening of their next movie. They shrink and squish the already tiny type. What’s the point? Can you really read any of that. Even used car dealers can’t defend that font size and crawl speed. It’s Morse code in fast forward. It’s time they just kill the credits instead of allowing this farce to continue.

    What’s the point of seeing the Spice Girls reunion if they won’t wear their old outfits? Didn’t Scary Spice’s name come from her wardrobe that even Beyonce’s mom wouldn’t design? Is she really Sporty Spice without sneakers? Can we embrace a mature Baby Spice? What’s the point in watching Ginger perform without her Union Jack corset and platform boots? Do we need to see them as five fashionable ladies – as if they all morphed into Posh Spice? Were they really about the music and not the marketing?

    WHY BUZZ ON THE HORNET?

    For the past five years The Green Hornet has been near the top of my most wanted TV shows on DVD. I had never seen a complete episode outside of the Batman crossover episode, but I wanted to see Bruce Lee in action. Plus the show was made by the folks who produced Batman. How could it not amaze me? American Life channel now runs the show on Friday nights. After watching four episodes, it’s off the buy list.

    There was a reason this series lasted only one season. It’s lackluster. Bruce Lee gets completely misused. Bruce has great moves, but he only gets put in a kick or two before his opponent falls to the ground like an Italian soccer player. Capt. Kirk and James West didn’t have such fragile villains. Why does Kato work for the Green Hornet? He spends the whole day working as the houseboy for Britt Reid, the communications emperor. Then at night, he has to change uniforms and drive the millionaire around town hunting for bad guys. Can’t Britt pay Kato enough cash so that he only has to work one job. Bruce Wayne didn’t make Dick Grayson work two gigs. Alfred kept Wayne manor in order. Kato should have kicked Green Hornet in the head for being such a cheap ass taskmaster.

    Why does Hollywood want to bring this character to the big screen? The only way I can see this film working is Green Hornet vs. Kato. The plot can revolve on Kato finally getting sick of Green Hornet’s “Time to lean, time to clean up the city” policy. Green Hornet tries to use his media empire to ruin Kato’s reputation since it’s obvious that sidekick is the real force of the operation.

    TYLER PERRY VS TYLER PERRY

    When will Tyler Perry sue the makers of This Christmas for making a Tyler Perry film that didn’t involve Tyler Perry? There had to be at least one person per screening wondering where’s the guy dressed up as an old woman.

    TV STAR OF 2007!

    Why don’t they change the name of Rule of Engagement to the The Patrick Warburton Show? Patrick Warburton owns the series. Why exactly is David Spade in the cast? To insure a cameo from Rob Schnider for season three? Whenever Warburton is off the screen, the show loses steam. Two consecutive scenes without him and I’m writing my Congressman to get Warburton back on the screen. It’s torture! Does Donal Logue get jealous when he turns on the show and sees Warburton getting frisky with Megyn Price? She looks sexier without the burden of three TV children and Kevin Corrigan creeping around the house.
    Between Rules of Engagement and The Venture Brothers, Warburton is the king of TV comedy for 2007. When’s he going to have an HBO show so we can hear him cuss up a storm?

    TV’s Crossover star of the year is Lexington Steele. One of the big studs of the porn world (and less hairy than Ron Jeremy) has snuck on the rather adult shows of Nip/Tuck and Weeds in the last few months. Lex seems to be poised to get a Saturday morning show in Brazil at this rate.

    Moving the doctors of Nip/Tuck to Los Angeles has goosed the show. Not that things were getting to staid in Miami, but the plastic people of Hollywood are perfect fodder for McNamara-Troy. What can be better than casting a Bo Duke as a porn producer? A tribute to the infamous hottub poop clip showed how it can be faked.

    BITE STEVE

    Is Steve Buscemi really voicing a gingerbread man in a Go Phone commercial? He’s funny looking gingerbread man, you know?

    BUMP HER

    How come you never see the tabloids spreading rumors that Janeane Garofalo is pregnant? They fight to spot the bulge on Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson. But why not start a pregnancy watch on Sarah Silverman? Why isn’t Winona Ryder assumed to be hiding triplets beneath her trenchcoat? How about Bea Arthur? Why aren’t her “sources” claiming she’s eager to put a bun in her oven. What man does she has want to coat her in baby batter? That guy from High School Musical 2. I’d buy that copy of US Weekly. If Jennifer Lopez can get knocked up, why not Maude?