FRED Entertainment

Director: Oliver Hirschbiegel
Cast: Bruno Ganz, Juliane Koehler, Corinna Harfouch, Ulrich Noethen, Alexandra Maria Lara
Release: February 18th, 2005 (limited)
Synopsis: It’s the last days of Adolf Hitler, April 1945, and Hitler’s personal secretary Traudl Junge finds herself in the Der Fuhrer’s bunker. Facing inevitable defeat, Hilter’s moods range from defiance to fight or flee, remain loyal or opt for self-preservation. Eva Braun parties while Magda Goebbels kills her children.

Prognosis: Positive. When someone from the Hollywood Reporter says it’s one of the best war movies ever made I find it simply interesting to investigate that remark and see if there’s some validity hidden between the lines.

One thing I notice right away is that this is an Adolf Hitler centered film that was done in Germany. I realize the kind of sensitivity, shall we say, the German people have about the man so it shows a lot of gumption that they’ve made this kind of flick. Even because principal photography was done in both Germany and Russia it speaks well of the reality of the project and I think it really gives the movie a certain weight it would otherwise not of had.

The date that’s thrown up on the screen before you see any footage is April 20, 1945. I wasn’t a history major, in fact I sucked at it, but for those like me who don’t know which way is up the date is explained that it is 12 days before Berlin falls. What I also appreciate about the date is that it gives me context. Many times with period pieces we don’t really have a handle on what time it’s supposed to be and I really do like that I have something concrete that sets the date, place and time for me; I’m a simpleton I guess.

The streets of Berlin are shown in chaos. People are running for their lives along a burnt out city that looks almost apocryphal.

There is only the hint of a musical score as a card comes up and says that Hitler spent his final days hidden in an underground bunker. We get a look at Der Fuhrer, in all his pasty haired ingloriousness, as someone mentions off screen how he’s starting to lose his mind. The bunker shots are nice as they put context to how these last days were; there’s carpeting; a mini bar to mix some drinks; nice paintings on the wall; and enough Nazi’s present to make even a blue eyed Aryan racist claustrophobic.

More Nazis walk the city streets, carrying away leather chairs and priceless works of art, and it’s all very surreal to see these two discordant images.

Hitler goes on a tirade after he’s told the American’s are on their way. The tension that’s building is genuinely effective.

At this point we get the war scenes. Bombs start falling, guns start popping, and the sights, along with the sounds, of planes dropping their arsenals within the city limits are sense-grabbing.

Hitler says that the 3 million civilian people inside Berlin proper will pay with their blood as the world closes in on his regime. Not satisfied with just saying that, the trailer gloriously shows the chaos that ensues when people come between armies. People try to run away, only to catch the after-effects of a bomb, some Nazis are having a fun time dancing only to have their dancehall turned into smoky rubble after a bomb goes off and, again, Hitler is shown going insane with anger.

This trailer is for a foreign language movie, yes, but I can’t think of a trailer in recent memory that so superbly not made me aware of it.

Director: Russell Mulcahy
Cast: Geoffrey Rush, Judy Davis, Jesse Spencer
Release: February 4th, 2005(Limited)
Synopsis: The inspirational life story of Australian swimmer, Tony Fingleton.

Prognosis: Negative. This one is for all the artsy people in the house.

As soon as it starts, with a languid musical score in the back, the slo-mo of a time long since past between a pair of brothers jumping into a swimming pool, you can just feel the drippings of a saccharine melodrama. It’s like the smell of strong fromage, really. You don’t even need to see it to know when it’s sitting right in front of you.

“When I was a kid I was always a little afraid of my father.”

Ooo boy, that statement already tells me where the first 45 minutes of this film is going to take me. Yeah, to paraphrase gently from Denis Leary, every one of our fathers was a little intimidating but how does this guy’s experience supposed to be different? I’m not so sure it is, the “so what” factor ringing loudly in my ears with no reply, and Geoffrey Rush’s prototypical spit and nails embodiment of an uncaring father isn’t doing much to make me think otherwise.

In a span of fifteen seconds we get this father character saying all those things that Mark Metcalf did to that hard rocking son of his at the beginning of the “We’re Not Gonna Take It” video. “˜Course, Mark did a better job of really playing it up with his red face and frothy spittle drizzling from his wide mouth whereas here it feels Saturday Morning Special worthy.

So, this father likes to yell at the son who he thinks is the less talented one of the two he has until he finds out the kid can swim really well. He then ditches his sarcasm and verbal abuse and channels it into being this kid’s coach. At one point the son mentions how he needs to stop swimming at the natatorium because he has a piano lesson. Oh boy, the response of, “not anymore you don’t,” makes me crawl inside my own mind and scream a little unoriginal scream.

And things just don’t seem like they’re going to buck the image of the father being the cruel taskmaster, either. The dad gets belligerent, violent, puts down his son again for not working out enough, and the snowball just keeps getting bigger. The guy turns out to be an alcoholic, big surprise, but we are finally given some reprieve by Judy Davis who gives the appearance of a mother who wants her son to succeed. What little it does, it does well enough, and almost sells me on actually going to see the film. Not all the way, but almost.

The rest of the trailer is a lot of bombast, yelling, screaming, crap flying against walls in the most dramatic fashion, and the uplifting hope that this film will be an inspiration to anyone who sees it. I won’t be one of those to feel this film’s curative effects, but that’s not to denigrate the power of adversarial-relationships-that-are-based-on-true-events kind of films that some people gravitate toward. The guy will either win or be the big hero or he’ll lose and find he never needed to win in order for him to feel like a champion. (Enter weeping and hugging here and slowly dissolve”¦)

Director: Dan Ollman, Sarah Price, Chris Smith
Cast: Phil Bayly, Dr. Andreas Bichlbauer, Andy Bichlbaum, Mike Bonanno
Release: On DVD Now
Synopsis: A comedic documentary which follows The Yes Men, a small group of prankster activists, as they gain world-wide notoriety for impersonating the World Trade Organization on television and at business conferences around the world. The film begins when two members of The Yes Men, Andy and Mike, set up a website that mimics the World Trade Organization’s–and it’s mistaken for the real thing. They play along with the ruse and soon find themselves invited to important functions as WTO representatives. Delighted to represent the organization they politically oppose, Andy and Mike don thrift-store suits and set out to shock unwitting audiences with darkly comic satire that highlights the worst aspects of global free trade.

Prognosis: Negative. I actually saw this trailer last year but I never thought to give it a whirl because, frankly, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. It was hard for me to try and describe, if not only to myself, exactly what the hell was happening and why I would want to see it but now I understand.

A fairly plain voiceover introduces us to the Yes Men, “the new generation of activists.” The jaunty way in which the guy says it, I think, gives this documentary a kind of silliness that I don’t think should really be conveyed when you see what exactly these dudes do. I have no doubt that there is humor in this here activism but, to me, this trailer doesn’t need the same guy who did the voiceover for THE PACIFIER or ICE AGE, get me?

These guys look very presentable as business guys in suits. There is an element of subversion here and you can already see how they’re working their angle. This was what was missing from the first trailer.

A card lets us know this documentary was an official selection into Sundance, Berlin and Toronto, and that another thing from its previous trailer incarnation that was missing. Here, it gives the film a little more credibility and it makes, I think, one pay attention a little more closely to what this film is slowly trying to say it is about.

These guys fight corporate greed by infiltrating the organizations global power brokers hang out in, they get into places no one would ever get access to by doctoring up business cards and ID’s. What they are doing, they say, is fighting back against those who they feel are destroying humanity with their greed and they are going about this by stealing powerful people’s identity in the hopes of, “making them honest.”

Now, I like the premise but I am already confused as to how they’re doing this. They’re shown printing up these fake business cards, so how are they planning on making their “marks” more honest? They impersonate these very high level people in the world economy market and are looking to fix things from the inside out. Helsinki, London, Australia, these guys fly all over the world to do their thing in front of the most influential talking heads of the global economy. Still, though, there is the lack of an explanation, for people like me, who need to know what it is, essentially, they are doing. Are they like the guys at the end of SNEAKERS who give out money in the names of organizations who wouldn’t normally do it? Are they putting in orders for extra food to go to poor 3rd world countries? Are they boosting these guys’ bank accounts?

I haven’t a clue.

I do know, however, that Michael Moore makes an appearance in this documentary so that has to count for something, right? Alright, that’s not much but still you can see what left-leaning political jive this movie will be dealing with as you watch these guys talk.

In the end I felt that I wanted to like this film more than anything, but all I saw were guys who impersonate other people and do wacky things. I guess the music at the beginning was appropriate for what I was shown, which wasn’t much. I’m sure there’s an explanation inside the film but there needed to be more of that to get me interested.

Director: Nigel Cole
Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Amanda Peet, Herschel Bleefeld, Kathryn Hahn, Moon Bloodgood
Release: April 22nd, 2005
Synopsis: It takes some people years to fall in love at first sight. A LOT LIKE LOVE is a romantic comedy about destiny, connection and the frequently fuzzy line between chance friendships and happily ever after. A LOT LIKE LOVE traces the relationship of Oliver (Ashton Kutcher) and Emily (Amanda Peet) who met on a flight from Los Angeles to New York seven years ago – each of them declaring that they couldn’t be more wrong for each other.

Prognosis: Negative in ways I can only hope to describe. I include this only to show how Ashton Kutcher can make me so excited when he does his thing in a movie like THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT but when he makes formulaic rom com crap like this it just makes me question the intent. I mean I realize the easy money he gets for it must quell any cries inside to do something with integrity but, damn, I guess credibility isn’t too much of an issue for the man who was allegedly hittin’ some MILF tail.

The opening shot of this little trailer (which is put together in the most serviceable way possible considering the material) is our man Kutcher and our woman Peet meeting in an airport. The black hair that Peet has and the shaggy mop top that Ashton displays are only to show you how far they’ve come later on when it’s the present time; I realize some ladies read this column and might be alarmed at seeing our heartthrob dollied up like he was trying out to be the new front man for Alice In Chains but I guarantee he cleans up when it goes to the present day.

As they play cutsie with one another on their first verbal encounter on a subway ride (I’m not sure how it moved from the airport to the underground, either, but who cares) a woman who sits between them asks if they’d like to sit next to each other. Now, I know no one else cares about this but me, however, having a photographic memory and a penchant for all things useless, I know that the woman sitting in-between Ashton and Amanda is the same woman from the subway scene in COMING TO AMERICA. I mean just look at it and tell me I’m wrong. I was so pleased with myself that I caught that I was fine with missing where we are with the plot of this movie.

When I do come back into it Ashton is talking about having a job, a house and a car but we get images of his life in the future (all straight and businesslike, no less) while he’s talking in the past. Huh? Yeah, I’m confused too but before I can think about the logistical implications of his Yoda-speak Amanda Peet is playing gross-out with Ashton in the car by playing “see food.” Now, some guys are attracted that sort of thing. I’m not. I’m just not of the variety that thinks good-looking chicks acting like dudes (read here: Jenny McCarthy when she picks her nose, farts or tries really hard to put on the affectations of a dude and get obnoxious) is a good thing. Obviously, Amanda wants to be queen of that ball so, to those guys who dig it, enjoy it in all its splendor.

From here we have a moment where Ashton is completely naked, standing on a rock, at night, underneath a moon, getting his picture taken. The two of them do it in the backseat of a station wagon but are awoken up in the morning by a park ranger to tell them they’re in a national park. Oh, the hilarity that is going to ensue!

Now, we come to a point where Ashton is successful and has some money. He lets his girlfriend/wife/play thing, whatever Amanda is supposed to be, know he is moving to San Francisco. Most ladies, if they’re right in the head, see this as a good thing. If you’re successful enough to be able and live in Frisco you’re doing well. It boggles the mind that Amanda just lets him go off without her but I’m sure this will all be resolved with bows by the end.

The kudos I will give the trailer exposition is that when Ashton does go back to get his lady she ends up being engaged to someone else. Oh, you mean to tell me they’re not going to be together? Oh, the humanity. When this plot point is dropped you get Avril Lavigne’s song where Amanda, again, goes for the ugly/cute chick thing by having a couple of straws shooting out of her nose and laughing like a crazed hyena. Seriously, isn’t there a number I can call to have to her put down?

Added to this equation a little impromptu daytime serenade that Ashton does to Amanda, singing a ditty by Bon Jovi, the eventual embrace between our two clichéd star-crossed lovers, a wedding that neither wants to go through, and another pratfall by Peet that makes me want to scream in ways that tell me this: I already know they’ll end up together in the end.

That said, however, there are ladies all over the land who will want to see this and because you now know how it will start, how it gets troublesome and resolves itself, it’ll be like seeing things for a second time. My condolences.

Director: Prachya Pinkaew
Cast: Panom Yeerum, Petchtai Wongkamlao, Xing Jing, Nathan Jones, Johnny Nguyen
Release: Sometime in 2005
Synopsis: A young fighter named Kham must go to Australia to retrieve his stolen elephant. With the help of a Thai-born Australian detective, Kham must take on all comers, including a gang led by an evil woman and her two deadly bodyguards.

Prognosis: Positive. Jeez, if the video was any more grainy I would have just assumed to just wait on it until a better version comes along but hot damn if I wasn’t all stoked to see this after seeing the trailer. As a fan of all things hyphenated ending in ““Fu I see the next inclusion into the filmic pantheon of Jony Jaa as a good thing to hype.

“This is the first glimpse of a whole new version of on-screen action!”

Ha, the Asians and their acute sense of hyperbole. They’ve already given us “the glimpse” of this new on-screen action with ONG BAK but, alright, I’ll go along with the statement.

This thing starts out with a wise old man talking over some ancient pictures that he has unfolded in front of Tony. The man speaks of royal elephants and how those who would protect the animals themselves were great warriors in their own right. They were crazy in battle, he says, essentially, doing whatever it took to fight even if they were physically disarmed of their weapons. They would stomp on their opponents, he continues. It’s all very mystical and it feels that way, too. I don’t get the sense this is hokey in a KICKBOXER 3 sort of way, either. I really do feel inspired for whatever is about to come next.

An elephant’s trunk moves its way forward on the screen as a man prays in front of the large pachyderm.

Some more written superlatives make their way on a card and it’s about this time when Tony Jaa starts to do his thing and explodes on the screen.

He jump kicks, no less than 10 feet in the air, getting ridiculous hang time, as he knocks down a handful of dudes with one leg. Fists are flying against guys in suits (nicely dressed guys are always the bad ones), he crouches down to sweep legs, men are being tossed around like windmills, and the Eurotrash techno beat behind it all is pitch perfect for the cheesiness that pops and crackles with every cut scene.

Tony flees something in a very fast moving boat that is really fuel injected, followed by five or so similarly equipped men who are shooting to kill (and wearing suits). And then it breaks away to show Tony, and here’s a nice move, taking a small jump up, planting on a guy’s chest and uses his other to kick a guy in the face. Sweet.

Some hot chicks are put into the mix but you already know they will be wholly irrelevant to the plot. Another guy gets a kick in the chest that sends him into a glass door and, for a nice send off, Tony leaps in the air as a baddie is going backward and, as the two of them are falling from a considerable height, kicks him too.

Man, how I have missed these kinds of movies.

Director: Hirokazu Koreeda
Cast: Yûya Yagira, Ayu Kitaura, Hiei Kimura, Momoko Shimizu, Hanae Kan
Release: February 4, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: Four children are forced to rely on one another after they are abandoned by their mother.

Prognosis: Positive. This trailer can be compared to that moment in FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF when the dad is coming home at the end of the day and that one old bag that’s driving in front of him keeps getting in his way. The Voiceover Guy in this trailer is that old lady.

He’s like an annoying gnat that won’t go away or shut the hell up. I actually had a conversation about this very same situation with the guy who makes these mini-movies, and he defended the man’s place in the scheme of it all, but, as a tool, it can be effective or it can be like a monkey who’s just been given a sauce pan and a wooden spoon; overkill.

It’s equally annoying that this trailer suffers a bit from a piss poor job of organization and placement of its most important facts: 1. The kid who stars in this film won best actor at Cannes last year; obviously, that’s an important fact, right? 2. This film is based on a true story. This story is so crazy when it begins that you can’t believe the mind that thought it up and you’re well on your way to finishing this damn trailer before you find out, “Oh, so it’s not just a very unbelievable premise, it actually happened?” It’s one thing to miss some things here or there but omissions like this are just glaringly ignorant.

This trailer just has me all riled up.

Everything else about the opening, though, is deliciously noteworthy. I am a big fan of a good xylophone medley and this one doesn’t disappoint. Also, dropping the fact that it did well in Cannes and Toronto, if nothing else, was a good saving move as well.

So, the opening is that Voiceover Guy gets into the fact that what we have here is a family run by a mother who seems be her kids’ friends than she is their parent. That’s fine, That’s good verbal exposition. And so far it’s all peaches and cream, thank you for letting me know that, Guy.

Now, here’s where it throws me a bit. Guy goes on to explain that one of her kids, her son, becomes an adult, “overnight.” Since this a foreign language film and you can’t possibly have anyone read anything in a trailer like this, God forbid you put up some subtitles in a trailer, you have to infer that something major has happened because there is a shot of an airplane and the oldest son has a fistful of cash. Then, as if to confuse me greatly, Guy lets us know that three of his other siblings are abandoned in Tokyo.

Huh? What happened to his mother? She get popped by the Yakuza, stuffed in a dumpster, smoke some bad Jamaican Red? Who the hell knows. Guy just plods on through the narrative as if nothing is really wrong with that admission, ignoring that steaming pile in the family room, trudging forth with the home tour.

So, these kids are all alone in Tokyo, literally living out of a suitcase, and Guy informs us that they survive by themselves in the street with their humor, love, determination, etc”¦ Now, had I not told you this was based on a true story there would be reality bells going off in your head saying what kind of messed up story is this? It’s like Annie but without the Tim Curry and dance numbers. By the time that the “based on” admission happens, Guy then drops the fact that the kid in this was voted best actor at Cannes which is something that should’ve been mentioned way before this point. He keeps droning on and on about how all the kids stick together and how awesome it is that they love each other and how cool it is that they aren’t incestuous”¦ I really just wanted Guy to shut up so I could watch why this kid was voted best actor in the first place.

The music is wonderful, the shots selected are really grabbing and you definitely get the sense that there is something there that sets this film apart from the others in the realm of foreign language offerings. The thing is, though, when you get to the part of the trailer when it seems that Guy is literally reading the whole review that the New York Times and the L.A. Times did on this movie you can’t help but to feel audibly invaded by that man’s voice.

This whole trailer is like charades but here you have someone yelling over your shoulder.

Director: Greg McLean
Cast: John Jarratt, Cassandra Magrath, Andy McPhee, Kestie Morassi, Guy Petersen
Release: January 2005 (Sundance)
Synopsis: Three backpackers go exploring the outback in an old clunker of a minivan. They are adventurous, carefree, and up for just about any adventure. But when their ride breaks down, help comes in the form of a gun-toting maniac, who hates backpackers with a vengeance.

Prognosis: Positive. You’ve gotta like a film that stars “Based on actual events.”

The screen is gritty and has a real sort of damaged film look to it. Not even five seconds into this trailer and I’m already an eager beaver.

We get a shot of a gorgeous beach at the foot of a real wooded mountain. It looks like a great day, the surf is slightly glassy, and there are nubile, young people scattered everywhere. Some chicks are looking at photos, are chatting with each other, as day turns to night. Shots are slammed and there isn’t one voiceover, line of dialogue or card to explain what’s going on but then the first card appears.

“30,000 Australians are reported missing every year.”

Huh? WTF, Aussies? That’s a real small island to misplace that many people on an annual basis.

We get a great looking view of an approaching car through a bullet hole in a road sign. These are young adults in their prime and they look good enough to be in one of those jeans commercials where everyone is way too happy but still nothing audible can be heard.

“Most are found within a month.”

Whew. I’m glad that you can eventually find each other. Again, it’s a small island.

These people stop at Wolf Creek Crater and it’s a rather expansive crater at that. They put on their rucksacks and start travailing on foot to the lip of the thing. The haunting score in the background is telling me everything I need to know about these fools’ fate. It’s daytime when all this happens but, as all things go, it does eventually get dark.

It then turns to night for these kids. They are holed up in their car (problems with the engine, imagine that) and a pair of headlights appears. They all get out, stupid movie move #1, and wait for this one guy to come walking towards them. There isn’t any lunging, no knifes unsheathed, and there isn’t so much as a scream from anyone but it is suspenseful. What’s odd, as well, is that the next shot is at daybreak as one of the girls runs down an empty highway. Is she running from someone? Something?

A fishtailing car appears from the background, appearing to go right at her. She has blood on her face, and there is a guy who holds up a rifle with a scope that I am sure, if it is to be believed, is aimed right at her melon.

It almost has a THE HILLS HAVE EYES sort of feel to it and I like that.

We eventually see more of our stranded young adults, also properly bloodied, with one of them being one hot looking lady, almost like Keira Knightley, who I hope doesn’t get popped by this hillbilly looking guy. It looks like campy fun plus you get to listen to good looking ladies talking Australian if nothing else.

Director: Saul Dibb
Cast: Leon Black, Louise Delamere, Luke Fraser, Claire Perkins
Release: April 25, 2005 (UK Only)
Synopsis: Ricky (Walters), age 20, is just out of prison and determined to straighten up. But back home his old pal Wisdom (Black) is still in the community’s violent subculture, sparking an escalating feud with another thug (Lawson) over a broken wing mirror. Meanwhile, Ricky is trying to revive his relationship with his girlfriend (Samuels), convince his mother (Perkins) that he’s putting violence behind him, and help his 12-year-old brother Curtis (Fraser) stay straight. But it’s all much easier said than done.

Prognosis: Positive. “There are thousands of guns on the streets”¦this is the story of one”

You’ve gotta like a trailer that begins with a police home invasion. There’s chaos, multiple P.O.V’s and by the end you know something is going down.

The people on the screen are talking really funny accents (those crazy EU’ers), but the premise is an interesting one. Our protagonist, a wee lad, gets out of jail for committing some crime and is picked up by his mother. He returns home, jaded by his experience, and you can already see that this is a film about a young guy who has a lot of anger to work through. It’s kind of like an old school Kurtis Blow anthem come to cinematic life. He’s hardboiled but there are slivers of hope in his words.

The melodic music chosen stands in stark contrast to our guy’s troubling life out of the poke. His younger brother reminds him that it’s difficult to get a job when one has a criminal record. There’s friction to be found everywhere and the cards in-between the scenes selected drop quotes from major publications about how groovy this film is with critics. This is good because it not only sets this movie up to be one where one man struggles with his past, a not too original concept, but the critics’ words help to elevate it.

There is also contrast going on with images of kids with guns, gang violence and the really quiet moments that this guy has with a woman who doesn’t care about his past and looks forward to her future with him. He mentions some things about being dragged back into his former lifestyle and it’s believable. I find myself being drawn in by how quick I can feel sympathy for a dude I’ve known all of a minute.

The clips after this one show a guy who is trying to rage against the people around him who he knows are no good but still trying to be the man he used to be. Again, more images of violence against people, again with the same kid holding a Dirty Harry pistol, and we are left, wonderfully, to wonder what will happen to not only this guy but to those around him.

The film doesn’t look flashy or sexy or appear to have great production values beyond just good directing but it does look like a movie that could engross an individual for a good couple hours and have some pointed things to say.

Director: Christopher Long
Cast: Colton Ford, Blake Harper
Release:February 18, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Former Colt model and porn star Colton Ford left the skin flick business at 40 to return to a musical career along with his partner Blake Harper. This is is their story.

Prognosis: Positive. This film is gay.

This film has a lot of gay people in it, just so you know.

That being said, I just couldn’t stop watching this trailer. Sometimes I come across a trailer that doesn’t automatically make me want to skip to something else; it makes me want to stay a while. It’s like television, really: I have the attention span of a coked up whore looking for a pack of Skittles in an Atkins-friendly health food store. If it’s not entertaining me then it’s off to something else but I was just riveted with every moment that slowly sped by with NAKED FAME.

One of the more ironic, although I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t, things that start this trailer out is the production company name that comes up before the clips: Hardsell Productions. Yes, it is, actually. This will probably never see a wide distribution on the scale of a SIDEWAYS but hopefully I can explain why it deserves a decent outing in a few, um, selected cities.

“I don’t know what it is that’s in my son’s heart about being a superstar”¦”

Anytime you get someone’s mom to lead off a documentary you’re just going for that emotional buy-in and it’s what hooked me, initially. This man we’re going to be seeing a lot of, Colton Ford, smiles in a black and white photo. The picture itself is old and is no doubt in direct inverse proportion to the modern incarnation of this woman’s son. Also, and I think this is telling, throughout the trailer we get snippets from publications extolling the reasons why you need to see this film but the quotes provided don’t have anything near a cache of a New York Times or L.A. Weekly. That’s fine, though, as this really is a genre specific film but the mention from Billboard is a nice name drop.

We then hear from our man, Colton, off-camera, about his thoughts on working for corporate America. He echoes the same sentiments that I think any of us who are cube dwellers share with him. We are treated to nice shots of New York streets as he talks and we get the feeling that here’s a man who had to either take his lumps to get what he wanted working 9 to 5 or he was going to go after his dream of being a performer. It is interesting to note, as well, the card that briefly shows how many gay and lesbian film festivals it has been in; it’s a selling point and because it was included early it actually does help this film when other films that stick these points at the end usually make me wonder what their marketing department was thinking.

We then get the gayness in all its glory.

A nice club beat starts pumping, our man Colton is doing his groove thang inside of clubs, singing, we get him working out, and then we finally have him sitting, talking about what it’s like being 39 and trying to get somewhere with a musical career. I immediately feel for the guy, as there are shots of him in the studio, more of him performing, because there is a need in this guy’s voice that is far more sublime than that of your average American Idol flunky.

Then, things take a more serious tone as there are overt hints that our man is so headstrong about becoming famous that he may have stepped over to one of the avenues few people are willing to go in order to be famous, or infamous: porn. It’s only hinted at but seeing Bruce Vilanch talking about it, notwithstanding that I can’t even begin to describe my feelings on that caricature of a man and the way he talks, hint at it as well makes me think this is where the downward spiral happens.

Sho “˜nuff, it is.

Crystal meth is discussed as with the porn thing again and here is where the tail spinning starts. He seems to be holding onto something but we’re treated to a much different person than who we were shown at the beginning.

The music changes, it’s a nice melodic choice, and we are to understand that somehow everything is going to go well for the man. It’s hard to stay what makes me want to see how his story goes from beginning to end but I do and anything that pulls me into someone else’s life and to hear about their own set of problems gets my vote.

Director: Kirk Jones
Cast: Emma Thompson, Colin Firth, Angela Lansbury, Kelly Macdonald
Release: August 2, 2005 (UK)
Synopsis:Emma Thompson stars as a governess who uses magic to reign in the behavior of seven ne’er-do-well children in her charge. The kids will love this.

Prognosis: Positive. Colin Firth is a talent. The guy can definitely act and his published writing is also a delight as well; the man’s humor is wicked and his prose style makes you wish more people could be as genuinely versatile.

Emma Thompson is someone who first took prominence in my own cinematic world when she starred in MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, she was such a pip, but she is one of the most versatile British actresses out there today and I have no problem handling out that superlative.

This teaser, no doubt to get interest stirred, is all about getting people acquainted with these two people but it doesn’t tell me anything about what exactly the premise of the film is supposed to be. This isn’t to say that some people across the pond, meaning you over there in London or Shaftsbury or Liverpool or wherever the hell the rest of you limeys dwell (yeah, that’s a joke), won’t say this film is based on one of the best children’s authors of all time, but that’s ok. I like the teaser regardless.

The information I need in order to know what’s going on in this trailer, though, is all secondhand but I understand everything.

“When children are wicked”¦”

The sounds of children’s giggles mesh with the sounds of thunder. We get a shot of a very lonely looking home from the outside. It’s foreboding and dreary.

“Devious”¦and quite frankly unacceptable”¦”

Our next shot is one from inside the Victorian manse. It feels like a really Seussian envisioning of a home that would hold seven children but it does give us a chance to see Firth and Kelly Macdonald looking awfully afraid of the perfectly profiled silhouette of a woman standing on their porch, ringing the bell in an ominous way.

Colin looks cautious as he slowly walks to the door, thunder clapping, music all tense and scary, opening it with a loud creak. It is here that the most hideous looking woman I’ve ever seen come out of make-up pops up to my eyes. Okay, so it’s not that bad but Emma is a nice looking woman and they’ve really made her look dumpy, frumpy and real awful. It’s splendid.

Because Emma had a hand in actually writing the script I think there’s a little bit more hope on my part that this will be a more intelligent envisioning of a children’s classic than its American counterparts, which seems to me more predicated on marketing than it is on story. I could be wrong about this, but I hope not. Kids need a genuinely well-made book made into a fine film in much the same way I think comic book nerds like to see their own fictional heroes treated with the same amount of care and respect.

Director:Chris Wedge, Carlos Saldanha
Cast:Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, Greg Kinnear, Mel Brooks, Drew Carey, Jim Broadbent, Amanda Bynes, Jennifer Coolidge, Robin Williams
Release: March 11, 2005
Synopsis: Even in a world populated entirely by mechanical beings Rodney Copperbottom (McGregor) is considered a genius inventor. Rodney dreams of two things, making the world a better place and meeting his idol, the master inventor Bigweld (Brooks). On his journey he encounters Cappy (Halle Berry), a beautiful executive `bot with whom Rodney is instantly smitten, the nefarious corporate tyrant Ratchet (Kinnear) who locks horns with Rodney, and a group of misfit `bots known as the Rusties, led by Fender (Williams) and Piper Pinwheeler (Bynes).

Prognosis: Positive. This one is a rather curious trailer.

There is a lot going on that is wonderful to look at in the background with its intricate widgets and cogs and spokes and industrial machinery that seems to be clicking or whirring but in the foreground my attention turns to annoyance as I get the animated voice of Robin Williams. It wouldn’t be so bad if this was his first time but Williams sounds just like every other character he’s ever done that requires him to be slightly “nutty.” Call this one ALADDIN, part however many times you think he’s done this shtick before.

But, there are great things going on here.

The trailer on the whole, though, makes me think that kids are really going to enjoy the spectacle of it all and, judging by the box office that SHARK TALE did, kids could care less about whether something looks like it was manufactured in an animation studio where neon is considered a primary color or where story is just an inconsequential part of the movie. The animation and yarn here, though, seems rather good.

We first get a look at our protagonist, voiced by Ewan McGregor, as someone who tries to be inventive. In much the same way that the dad in GREMLINS liked to invent wacky gadgets that didn’t seem to work right, this kid seems to get punted from the house after a few don’t do so well. I’m not sure the folks at Fox are actually going to show the kid actually tossed on his ass or whether he’s going to leave on his own but I think the former would be a better move as it’ll teach kids early on in life that you just can’t mooch off your parents forever; let this movie serve as a warning tale to those little Lunchable swilling, fruit punch chugging, scheming little ankle biters.

The kid gets out of the house and leaves for the big city. Like I’ve said before, the backgrounds are busy with animation. It really is fun to watch. Ewan tries to make his way through the city, a task that somehow gets him hooked up with Robin Williams, and that’s where there are hints that Robin is channeling the stock comedic character that is just inherent in any of these “crazy” people he plays. How many times can one person do the same character without someone decrying “Bullshiat!”? Limitless I guess is the number I would say since no one else cares. I do have to say, though, it is something that the kids will like and eat up like mud pies and boogers without even questioning it; they just enjoy that voice and, if it were up to them, Robin’s crazy character would be in every single movie out there. The kids will even howl at the “back of my hand” joke that will no doubt play to their sense of irony.

As we progress further we see that Robin needs to upgrade his body or be fed to the chop shop as his current state of physical being has him dropping parts every which way off his body. The chop shop, I should mention, looks about as foreboding as anything I could think of for a villainous counterbalance to the happy characters we’ve seen so far. Amanda Bynes makes an appearance as someone who is fighting a wave of upgrade fever as it seems that old robots are being sent to be smelted and, without a new body, one loses the ability to live any longer. So really as we get further into this movie there really is a villainous side to it, which I like, but there’s also some genuine sense of urgency with regard to the story being told. Robots are being killed off at a quick clip if the trailer is to be believed and any story that can hint that mass murder is happening on a grandiose scale the better off those little tykes will be when we have to explain what happens in the real world like Bosnia, Chechnya, Rwanda, and behind the dumpster at 7-11.

What I appreciate, though, about this trailer compared to the old one that ran is that this trailer doesn’t accentuate the whole film’s running time with Robin Williams. This is really an ensemble piece, I mean just look at the names associated with this film, but there really seems to be a balance of Williams’ kookiness with the actual story of this film which seems to be about one group of proletariats’ fight against big, fat, corporate interests. The kids will like it because it just looks cool and it’ll do millions at the box office. If the film is able to work in a fart joke or two you can probably be assured of at least 10 million more dollars can be added to the bottom line. Kids are easy creatures to figure out.

Director: John Schultz
Cast: Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union, Regina Hall, Eric Stoltz, John Leguizamo, Jon Polito
Release: July 15, 2005
Synopsis: Working class New York bus driver Ralph Kramden (Cedric the Entertainer) is always coming up with get-rich-quick schemes for him and his best friend, Ed Norton (Epps), who’s always around to help him get in (and out of) trouble.

Prognosis: Positive. This movie is perfectly pitched for its demographic.

Young people are into Cedric the Entertainer (and I henceforth am not going to use the last part of his “name” from this point forward) but, obviously, there are going to be more than a few people who have no idea who or what The Honeymooners were all about when this movie drops.

Cedric, quite honestly, makes a great Ralph Kramden. He is inept in his own way and the trailer is good at showing how this translates into a warped sense of his own abilities as a person and I seriously believe his portrayal as bus driver; in this day and age, and especially when I lived in downtown Chicago, I’ve seen guys like this. As the trailer opens and he’s jamming out as if he’s in his own car and forgetting the fact that he’s behind the wheel of a city bus is visually amusing. Then, we get to hear him talk. To listen to him rant about the man who invented the thong you get the idea rather quickly that the man’s mind runs on a one way track and this is just who he’s going to be. This kind of writing could smell dangerously pungent for the average moviegoer but the trailer movies quickly from scene to scene and I appreciate its speed with which it does it. Comedies have to be based on something amusing and dimwittedness is not an entirely lame premise.

We next get a look at his equally inept, if not to a greater degree, buddy Norton. There is something about Mike Epps that I find more amusing in his style of comedy than I do in Cedric. I am not sure if it is in Mike’s cadence or his physicality as he moves but to hear him talk about how he’s a sanitation engineer, comparing his position to a specialist like a brain surgeon or even “Spider-Man,” is funny because he seems so serious about it.

Now, Gabrielle Union, his wife, seems like an unlikely choice. I am not sure where in the screenwriter’s playbook it stipulates that if you’re chunky or husky that you’re automatically entitled to a hot looking chick as a girlfriend/wife, but it is the movies so what the hell do I know. I am sure, however, that the mother-in-law character seems to be the one in the right as she makes her distain for Cedric more than abundantly clear. I believe that more than I do that Gabrielle would end up with a dude like Ralph. Again, it is the movies after all.

So, Norton and Ralph are trying to get rich quick. A majority of the trailer is spent showing how these guys plot and scheme to get to financial freedom and a couple of the bits that are shown how they do it (trying to race the family pet at the dog track, calling up an old date and asking her to pay part of her bill back, just to name a couple) are funny enough that I can see how some would actually see this as a greater indication for how good the rest of the film is going to be. This seems to be a comedy of small set pieces.

To assume that the film is going to be homogenously funny based on a couple of laughs might be a wrong assumption to make, a movie based on a single motivation of the principal characters like this one hardly ever makes for a pleasurable 90 minutes of comedy, but I do have to commend the makers of this trailer for making a breezy enough advertisement for a film based on an old television show.

Also, and I have to make mention of this, in the last moment of this trailer as Ralph and Norton hang precariously on the side of a building, holding onto life by their fingers, Norton makes a confession to Ralph that really sets the tone for the camaraderie these two guys have. Too often you get trailer makers trying to be witty or glib as they end a trailer but the punch line here is actually enough that it’s slightly ribald and has a certain edge to it.

I wasn’t expecting much, believe me, going into this trailer but after I dote upon its strengths versus its weaknesses I actually feel good in asserting it had more of the former than it did the latter.

Director: Lawrence Guterman
Cast: Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, Bob Hoskins, Traylor Howard
Release: February 18, 2005
Synopsis: A decade after the legendary Mask of Loki wreaked havoc on the life of an unsuspecting adult, the magical mask finds its way into the possession of a child in the family comedy Son of the Mask. When cartoonist Tim Avery’s (Jamie Kennedy) new son is born with the Mask’s spectacular powers – to the dismay of the family’s jealous dog – it turns the household upside down and launches a kid versus canine battle for control of the Mask. But unbeknownst to them all, Loki has come looking for his mask and is willing to do whatever it takes to get it back.

Prognosis: Negative. Ok, people, informal poll: Who here enjoyed THE MASK? No, not the one with Sam Elliot and Cher about the kid with the peanut head but that other one that exposed, but really not enough wink wink nudge nudge, the talent of Cameron Diaz and that of Jim Carrey? Yeah, me too. It was one of those you just remember and dote on every now and then, especially if you were one of those a-holes who went around endlessly sound-biting every catchphrase from the film.

That’s why it makes me wince with every moment that this trailer goes on and on. I’ve really only seen a handful of really bad trailers since my start here in the Park and this, I think, qualifies as the very worst one.

So, since that’s been said, I’m not going to trounce every little thing and misstep this trailer takes. I will a little, but it’s better if we can’t learn why no one will want to see this hunk of cinematic crap.

The trailer opens up with that little aqua treasure chest from the first film. That’s actually good to start off with because it visually reminds people of the original.

Next, the little dog from the first film somehow gets a hold of the mask as it beaches itself in a small creek. Again, visual recognition seems to the key order of the day.

We now see the little pooch running back to a house that seems like it was done over by Dr. Seuss and LeRoy Neiman. It’s not until later that night when the dog sticks his head in the mask, turning him into the Tex Avery version of the little guy we saw years ago. Ok, it’s cute, kids will like that. So far, really, this isn’t too terrible.

Then, we get Alan Cumming, dressed to the 9’s as Loki but looking like an extra from the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE production in the 80’s (I think he’s playing Transvestitor) and I start to worry.

Next shot is of a mother and baby inside the baby’s room but that’s no baby. It’s a freak. A CGI freak and it looks like a freshman year Computer Design Basics 101 mid-term. Then, as if you didn’t know the baby wasn’t real and couldn’t inflate its own head like it does, the next shot is of a real baby and we are somehow supposed to”¦believe”¦they’re”¦the”¦same”¦kid. The fun doesn’t stop as Jamie Kennedy talks to the real baby, trying to get it to say daddy, but it looks at him and says “Mother” in what is perhaps the most masculine voice I’ve ever heard in animation or in life.

From there, friends, this rollercoaster is on its way down with nowhere to go after that.

The kid morphs, again, into weird CGI mode literally bouncing off walls and looking like one of those creepy kids from POLAR EXPRESS.

Alan Cumming gets back into his part as Loki, demanding the mask back, looking like something Janet Jackson was wearing last year at the Super Bowl, and it just doesn’t make any sense. Much like how in the next scene the dog is shown trying to get the baby for some nefarious reason; it’s all green faced because it’s wearing the mask but the baby is able to do weird things as well and I’m just confused.

Kennedy gets the mask at one point, as you could’ve already guessed, he apes and cribs from Carrey’s mannerisms in a way that’s not flattering but really more like flattening. This whole trailer, especially at the end with another look at the freak child, has a sheen of awfulness about it and it pains me to know that this will be released into the world, like a viral infection.

Director: Dave McKean
Cast: Stephanie Leonidas, Gina McKee, Rob Brydon, Jason Barry, Dora Bryan
Release:January 25, 2005 (Sundance)
Synopsis: MirrorMask centers on Helena, a 15 year old girl in a family of circus entertainers, who often wishes she could run off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother’s major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked inhabitants. All is not well in this new world – the white queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the MirrorMask, and it’s up to Helena to find it. But as her adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she’s in a dream, or something far more sinister.

Prognosis: Positive. I’m a Jim Henson fan.

Years of appreciation for the Muppet Show and Sesame Street will do that for a kid. Also, and this fact, THE MUPPET MOVIE was actually the first theatrical film I ever went to. I was a little enough scamp that I remember actually feeling panicked when the lights went out. Were they supposed to do that? I hadn’t a clue but it freaked me out. So, it’s as Gaiman’s MIRRORMASK opens that I’m feeling hopeful if nothing else that this may be something the kids may enjoy. Well, maybe, if you’re the kind of parent who lets their kids smoke a fat spliff after a rough day at kindergarten.

The opening scene is dark, foreboding, oozing trepidation and has some rather trippy imagery. Nonsensical would be the word I would choose. It looks like a Tim Burton amusement park and I’m not disappointed with that estimation either.

A big giant eyeball sits on a spider’s body as a woman, who is only heard and not seen, says she doesn’t know where she is. As far as I can gather it appears to be an Alice in Wonderland kind of situation. There are freakish animals and an equally freakish vibe running rampant all over this place. There is an odd catlike animal that has a humanoid face, the sets appear to have been used in SKY CAPTAIN (yes, I know everything was CGI in that movie which is the point), and the action that seems to be happening in this thing is fluid in ways that make you stare, wondering what acid was dropped to think this stuff up. It really is amazing.

The one gripe I have, a reservation really, as this trailer unfolds is the girl who finally appears on camera. She looks a little too out-of-place. The creatures around her appear to be more appropriate to the setting than she does. Her movements are a little wooden, her expressions slightly unbelievable. Though, to her credit, she does show flickers of wonderment in a few cut-scenes. What’s more is not only does the music fit precisely to the kinetic visual style, but there seems to be a mixed media approach to the presentation. Sets seem to be art projects, like a David Mack comic book, with splashes of precise detail and blatant absurdity all meshed together in one moving picture.

From animation to live action to CGI to print work there seems a lot to keep the eyes occupied. I’ve never been one to get into what Neal Gaiman was ever doing in comic books. Death seemed to be for fans of Tori Amos and for girls who wanted to dress up in white pancake with black lip liner and 1602 seemed like a series that was really supposed to be good but instead kind of felt like a forced reality where the Marvel universe was just transposed over this fake kind of time. I was not pleased.

Here, though, there is something I really want to see and I hope it can deliver on its tease.

Director: Mike Bigelow
Cast: Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin
Release: August 12, 2005
Synopsis: In Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Rob Schneider is seduced back to his unlikely pleasure-for-pay profession, when his former pimp T.J. Hicks (Eddie Griffin) is implicated in the murders of Europe’s Greatest Gigolos. Deuce must go back to work in order to clear his good friend’s name. Along the way, Deuce must compete against the powerful European Union of Prosti-dudes and court another bevy of abnormal female clients including the beautiful Eva, who suffers from acute obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Prognosis: Positive. It pains me to a great extent to admit I liked the first film.

It was one I really went in with bad feelings for and left thinking it wasn’t as painful as it should have been. Rob can definitely carry a film, no question, but there should be some serious things in place to minimize not only the cost of producing a film like his but projecting how much it needs to make in order for it to be considered a success. Obviously, what Rob is able to do is bring X number of people on average to see his films. The guy can bring in fans, and his brand of comedy is not exactly what I like, but I can see how many young males gravitate to it. It’s part slapstick part freak factor. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way he expresses his comedy.

The opening to this trailer is great. You have opera playing in the background to get you in the European mood, there is the shot of the old European buildings and alleyways, but when you see a woman standing inside a window display only wearing her bra and panties it’s a homerun to the sect of boys who know we are being shown Amsterdam.

We get more chicks to oogle at, definitely not a selling point for any feminista in the audience, but Rob then appears in one window in his boxers as he pulls up his pants, obviously contrasting to those things that one does want to see naked in Amsterdam. It’s not high comedy but it’ll do.

Eddie Griffin is back as Rob’s pimp of sorts and he is in high octane loudmouth assery as he explains, loudly, in a restaurant that Holland was the place where chicken and waffles were created and that black people all over the world will be forever grateful for that. Rob then mentions how the Dutch also started the slave trade. Eddie’s quick bon mot to this revelation, to me, is funny.

“New Clients”

Ok, it’s real hit or miss with some of the freaks he is going to get paired up with this time. There is the tall woman (wasn’t she in the first one), a cute one with wicked awful teeth, and one with a nose that seems straight out of Pinocchio. Also, there’s even a cat who grabs Eddie’s wang and doesn’t let go which, I guess, is still a funny gag to some.

Green Day’s “American Idiot,” last heard in the WEDDING CRASHERS trailer, plays through this thing and because that song has some connection to Rob’s ugly American personality, in more ways than just one, the music is oddly apropos.

I do have to say that one woman, in particular, takes the take for making me laugh the most. Rob offers wine to a woman he is entertaining for the evening. She takes a big slurp and, as she does, you immediately notice the woman has had a tracheotomy. Your brain then makes the connection that the spray of wine that douses Rob as he sits there is coming right from that poor woman’s throat and, to add a little somethin’ somethin’, Rob leaps up and tries to plug the leak. I cringed and laughed at the same time.

It takes a dip at the end of the gag when he says “check please,” a device not unlike the annoying record scratch to connote some kind of shift in behavior, but redeems itself quickly as trach girl belches and a line of wine shoots Rob in the face. Again, cringe and giggles.

Director: Matthew Parkhill
Cast: Gael García Bernal, Natalia Verbeke, James D’Arcy, Tom Hardy, Charlie Cox
Release: March 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Young lovers in London are wrapped up in a love triangle that may not be exactly what it seems.

Prognosis: Positive. Intriguing. That’s what I am still thinking about after I saw the trailer to this film.

We see that this was selected for the Sundance Film Festival but nothing says approval more to a skittish audience than that seal of approval. It’s wise to put it at the very beginning of the trailer because it really does have a cache that can speak more than any card could.

What we start out seeing is people, a couple really, goosing each other and making out. It all seems fairly vanilla to me until I see that the guy we see on the screen is about to get married to the woman he’s holding.

He’s nervous, as would any man who is about to let his woman take all the money he earns away from him and put him on an allowance, but he starts to think about other “what ifs” and “what could be’s.”

Dangerous territory.

So, the woman has her bachelorette party where she dons a short black wig and a very unsexy black moustache. I guess the whole vibe of the party is for all the chicks to be dudes which makes Gael’s entrance into the party as a looker-on that much more odd and slightly unnerving.

He holds a video camera, ostensibly to capture the last night of a free lady, but please. No person, straight, gay, man or woman, should ever have video evidence of a bachelor/bachelorette party. No person.

Anyhoo, Gael takes a shine to the cross dresser and he really goes at it when he is pushed into giving the single lady one last kiss before she is about to become a bride. What happens is that Gael, at the very least, is forever affected by that kiss and becomes obsessed by it. He even brings his friends around to watch the tape of him getting some luscious action from the lady as he tries to convince them of something that isn’t there.

It drives him crazy enough to confront the lady again and see if she was thinking about it as much as he was. She, for some reason, relents to give the guy some of her time and entertains his request for a date and this is where it is the beginning of her undoing.

The music is wonderfully placed inside the actions on the screen. It’s like sonic grease to the gears of this trailer.

What happens next is a whole lot of intermeshed images and nearly unintelligible dialogue but that’s ok because we get to see our lady in question, for a brief lingering moment, on her back in her bra. That is so shameful of me to point out, I realize that, as is the comment that I think that the chub the girl can evoke without having seen more than a minute of her is testament of why I need to see this film.

There seems to be more than just a chick stepping out with another man but there is a hint of jealous violence and rage that only ratchets up the desire factor in me to look at how things turn out.

Gael is a wonderful actor that needs to be seem more often and the last film I’ve seen him in, THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES, is just another reason that the star of Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN deserves to be working more in this business of white faces.

Director: Stephen Chow Sing-chi
Cast: Stephen Chow, Yuen Wah, Yuen Qiu, Leung Siu Lung, Huang Sheng Yi
Release: March 18, 2005
Synopsis: Set in Canton, China in the 1940s, the story revolves around a hapless wannabe gangster who aspires to become a member of the notorious “Axe Gang.” Other characters include an obnoxious landlady and her apparently frail husband who exhibit extraordinary powers in defending their turf.

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know why I thought of Yul Brenner in WESTWORLD when I saw the opening of this trailer but I did.

Some Asian guy wears a black cowboy hat atop his melon and you see right over his shoulder into the thoroughfare of what really looks like a western set left over from Bonanza.

Windows close up all along the red dirt street as a pack of Agent Smith’s walk slowly toward our caravan of western throwbacks. One of them smiles into the camera and we’re aware that the makers of this movie are really dedicated to reflecting the seriousness of dental maintenance when it’s neglected for so long.

“In a town ruled by gangs.”

Things get slightly odd when these Smith’s start a soft shoe in the middle of nowhere. We’re then thrust into a Broadway envisioning of Asia circa the time of neon excess. We get Tommy guns, dancing, and then some guy playing drunk with a shotgun. It’s very surreal.

We then get the other side of this West Side Story and it’s the slums. There are Little Orphan Annies frolicking about as we build to the point that the sharply dressed bourgeoisie Smith’s get ready to go toe-to-toe with these Oliver! urchins.

Next, we get the hero to this battle. The guy is spastic, a little crazy, but he’s entertaining as all hell to look at.

What Stephen Chow has done here, much in the same way as he did in SHAOLIN SOCCER, is that he’s created a nether world where physics don’t apply and neither does logic, apparently. People run at Roadrunner speeds, others can ascend to great heights from a standing position, and there is a whole lot of ass kicking.

I enjoyed the last part of this trailer with the amount of hand-to-hand combat on display as well as what look like intricate fight set pieces. The illogical is the logic that’s employed here and its great to watch.

What’s even more amazing is that the release for this film actually coincides fairly well to Asia’s release of the film. Miramax enjoyed the pleasures of sitting on Chow’s last film and it is golf clap worthy that Sony Pictures Classics have enough decency to give the film a prompt release, regardless of how limited the screening will be.

Director: Thomas Vinterberg
Cast: Jamie Bell, Bill Pullman, Michael Angarano, Danso Gordon, Novella Nelson
Release: January 22, 2005 (Sundance)
Synopsis: A young boy in a nameless, timeless American town establishes a gang of youthful misfits united in their love of guns and their code of honor.

Prognosis: Borderline.. “Dear Wendy, now it’s time to say goodbye.”

I suggest you watch this trailer when either drunk or in the mood for something a little odd.

The voiceover used in the beginning of this trailer is a kid. It could be a young guy in his early twenties but it’s far more effective than a throaty older male doing it.

We enter the lives of a town that seems awfully small and immediately we start in with the hippie music. It’s all springtime and flowers in the audio field as images of big guns being fired off fill the screen. The contrast is sharp.

The kid from BILLY ELLIOT (a hands-down wonderful film worth checking out if you are comfortable with your sexuality) is in this and he’s shown talking about creating a movement that is based on pacifism but with guns. Odd, but worthy of considering.

A shooting range of sorts is created in what looks like an abandoned warehouse. He starts to recruit people to this cause of his and he even finds a nice looking girl to go along with it as well. She fires a round from the gun and seems startled but she then is seduced by how she and the gun come together as one. It looks as though she is about to get freaky with Billy but he looks confused in a way that has me wonder what is going on in that kid’s head.

Other people join this club and he proclaims that his gun and his ideology will help people become who they are. What happens next, though, seems to be the turning point in the film.

His social club begins to dissolve quite acrimoniously quite fast. There seems to be unrest in the small town with the Sheriff of Podunk, USA, played by Bill Pullman, laying down some sort of law in order to squash things from getting too far out of hand.

Too late.

Now, this is the rough part. Pullman puts out an ultimatum but these kids don’t seem ready to relinquish their weaponry easily. The hot chick from a couple of scenes earlier seems to be getting off on the violent nature of things as well.

Very quick and sharp camera techniques build up the frenetic pace of this trailer which seems to devolve into violence. Assault rifles, pistols and even a shotgun unleash themselves and I am left to wonder, as we all do, what will go down with these kids and the powers that be.

Is this an elaborate metaphor, allegory, cautionary tale, all three or is there something else happening here? I’m not sure but kudos to this trailer for just putting it out there. This is a movie about a kid who gets taken in by the power of a gun and, what happens next, is just a result of that moment. Pure and simple.

Director: Tim Story
Cast: Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington
Release:July 1, 2005
Synopsis: A group of astronauts gain superpowers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Victor Von Doom.

Prognosis: Negative. There’s this part in G.I. JOE: THE MOVIE where Nemesis Enforcer (who was just one badass mutha’), from a prone position mind you, gets wicked with a H.A.V.O.C. From the front of the vehicle Nemesis just sticks up his pastel hands and renders it scrap metal. Any action movie where good or bad guys can stop speeding anythings with any great panache are always fans of mine and are just simply wicked hardcore as they speak to the 13 year-old in me every time. When Michael Chiklis does it as The Thing, and seems to be a borrowed moment from HELLBOY, I am reminded how this is about the only good thing I can say about this trailer.

I don’t ever want to be one to judge a movie based on what pictures show or what people are saying or whatever a studio plant wants me to believe but after watching this trailer I am moving in a direction that tells me that this film is headed in a bad one.

From the beginning it looks like this trailer was done in PowerPoint by someone who liked to play with font sizes.

It’s It’s also also lazy lazy to to try try and be creative with repeating yourself in the first few cards that tell me on July 4th this movie is coming to theaters. I have no idea what this has to do with the actual film or why it needs to repeat but I push that aside and press on with the trailer. Although, I do take umbrage with the fact that the official site says that this film is coming out on July 1st and yet your trailer really really wants to convince me it’s coming on the 4th. Someone needs to make up their mind.

We are now to assume that the 4 in question get their powers after something happens in space. Now, I don’t want to sound like Jim Carrey after putting poison into that guy’s burger in DUMB AND DUMBER, pointing my finger and laughing like an idiot, but it really is chintzy and laudable to see this set piece. I’ve seen better pseudo space stations in the THUNDERBIRDS movie. It looks like it was on loan from an Ed Wood exhibit. And, yeah, when one of the cards says these people were changed “4 ever” I begin to get this nervous feeling in my stomach that I am about to relive the infamous bootleg that really is up there in quality to that Captain America envisioning so many years ago that the powers that be rightfully passed on releasing.

So, these people get their powers.

“1 will be bad”

What? “1 will be bad”? Can the cute puns please stop? I mean, Dr. Doom’s appearance is awesome. I liked it. Electrocution is mighty cool but there is a good case made by Bryan Singer though his actions that mimicking the comic book’s actual appearance might not be a good idea and that’s really the disappointment here.

This bummed out feeling is reinforced by those frosty grey sides done to Mr. Fantastic and I can’t imagine anyone keeping her hair looking as good as Jessica Alba does through all those fight sequences. Yup, we get The Thing stopping a Mack truck with his body, the vehicle crumpling all around him, and that’s pretty comic book-y in a cool way but that’s seriously the only thing that stopped the laughter.

The other scenes used here leave me confused as to what this film is all about as a lot of it seems like it’s a whole lot of Johnny flying off in his tube of flames out of New York and again after a dirt bike race where he “flames on” right before he races. I dunno what that has to do with the plot but it’s there for us to digest.

“You know that looked cool”¦”

When Johnny Storm utters the above statement he couldn’t be more wrong. I’m one of the biggest proponents of comic book films and it gets to me whenever I hear someone saying something along the lines of “it was bound to happen” to this genre but that’s a weak statement made by weak people who are fatalists at heart with no sense of optimism. This just happens to look like a crappy ass flick that hopefully will serve as a lesson to would-be directors who are thinking about taking on a comic book property. It’s unfortunate but this one doesn’t look salvageable and that’s the biggest disappointment of them all.

Director: Tim Burton, Mike Johnson
Cast: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Emily Watson, Albert Finney, Richard E. Grant, Joanna Lumley, Christopher Lee.
Release: September 23, 2005
Synopsis: CORPSE BRIDE carries on in the dark, romantic tradition of Burton’s classic films EDWARD SCISSORHANDS and THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Set in a 19th century European village, this stop-motion, animated feature follows the story of Victor (Depp), a young man who is whisked away to the underworld and wed to a mysterious Corpse Bride (Bonham-Carter), while his real bride, Victoria (Watson), waits bereft in the land of the living. Though life in the Land of the Dead proves to be a lot more colorful than his strict Victorian upbringing, Victor learns that there is nothing in this world, or the next, that can keep him away from his one true love. It’s a tale of optimism, romance and a very lively afterlife, told in classic Tim Burton style.

Prognosis: Positive. This is like visual popcorn and I can’t help but to watch in awe every moment of it.

In a darkened room, very gothic in its feel and mood, two people are getting married. The scene should evoke normal imagery but Burton’s animation style, obviously reminiscent of A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, has people’s bodies elongated and even the holy man directing the ceremonies has a body that Pablo Picasso would love. Just think of Burton’s way of doing things to the human body in a SAT analogy sort of way: Rob Liefield’s anatomically incorrect and physically horrendous drawing is in direct inverse proportion to Burton’s emaciated appearance of the people who populate his medium.

The story, as it plays out, is that the man who seems to be the woman’s future husband (who looks an awful lot like Johnny Depp’s stop motion doppelganger and is obviously meant to) is having problems with facing matrimony. Out man flint has problems getting the words “getting married” out of his mouth in a way that hearkens to a bad sitcom but it’s good for an animated movie because it sets up a very simple premise that anyone, of most any age, can appreciate. The cutaway scenes of the bride and groom’s family are wonderfully done as they pop and crackle with life, warmth and humor.

What happens next is that it departs from a kiddie komedy and starts to stray into Burton territory as the groom takes off from the large castle where he is about to marry his bride and ends up in a forest where he stops, when I take a longer look at it, in a cemetery. The groom drops his ring in some snow, it falling underneath the surface, and, long story short, the ring resurrects a dead woman who thinks he’s come to marry her. Yeah, Burton’s style comes right through loud, clear and macabre.

“A grave misunderstanding.”

I’m not one for clever puns but I liked this one. It’s cheeky and it begins the folly of events that are sure to follow after what’s happened before this.

There’s not much plot revealed about what will come after Depp’s character gets back to the castle and either tries to avoid getting married, tries to ditch the new dead woman or what will happen when the family finds out all of the above.

Some people don’t have a positive predilection to Burton’s forays into animation but anyone who is a fan can attest to the amount of marketing, even now, that NIGHTMARE has been able to maintain is just staggering. Even SHREK can’t compete yet with that film’s longevity.