FRED Entertainment

Director: Judd Apatow
Cast: Steve Carrell, Catherine Keener
Release: August 19, 2005
Synopsis: 40-year-old Andy Stitzer (Steve Carrell) has done quite a few things in his life. He’s got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there’s just one little thing he hasn’t quite gotten around to doing yet–something most people have done by his age. Done a lot. Andy’s never, ever, ever had sex–not even by accident. So is that such a big deal?

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Prognosis: Negative. Not a fan of Steve Carrell.

My feelings aren’t really out of dislike for his brand of comedy as it is just an overall feeling of disinterest whenever I see him laying down his schtick. That’s ok, though, as this movie actually piques something in me that I think all his other forays into the comedic genre have failed to do.

The Spandau Ballet song “True,” which is really the best go-to song ever laid down on cassette that lets everyone in the house know we’re talking about the 80’s, its greatest power displayed in SIXTEEN CANDLES, is superbly played here as we are no doubt going to be shown the failed attempts Steve has made on his way to ever getting some from the ladies. The gag of him trying to undo his date’s bra and turning it into a weapon against his lady, I admit, is funny. It made me laugh. The next woman, who is inexpiably, but understandably from a marketing perspective, even hotter than the last one, tries to lick his toe in a sensual manner only to have the Monkey Foot of Pain applied to her face as Steve recoils his leg and juts it forward because he’s ticklish. Again, this visual gag is good because what you’re going to have happen is all the dudes who grew up to appreciate Three Stooges humor will no doubt respond to the physicality of how this trailer opens; it’s slapstick and it’s still alive.

Fast forward 20 some-odd years and Steve is still a virgin and is trapped, in his clothing and appearance, in an era when Members-Only was just laying its larva as the required outerwear for dweebs everywhere in years to come, and helmet hair wasn’t an option, it was a requirement. What’s odd is that Carrell, who, if he was a real dude, would probably be one of the most scary humanoids walking the earth.

The movie plays this with Steve being a sympathetic character but I see some pretty rote story construction as I see his buddies are all out to help him get a woman and all are pretty colorful characters themselves. His one friend, Romany Malco, seems to be That Guy in films who purports to know everything there is about sex and gets Steve to go along with the more extreme and bizarre methods to getting a date. This includes: using the Suzanne Summer’s Thigh-Master, a joke that’s already been used in a few other comedies years ago when it was funny; waxing Steve’s really hairy body, which starts out promisingly enough but ends flat; having him start a conversation with a woman using the technique of asking a question when asked a question, never minding the woman is really good looking and would no way in real life find this conversational technique as hot as it’s shown; and then it’s off to something called Date-A-Palooza which, for it’s name sake, I can’t really think of anything else that uses that suffix anymore other than old white people who want to seem really “with it.”

Well, he meets a woman at the Date-A-Palooza, the same blonde from CABLE GUY, and ends up being a complete freak. Psycho. She flips out on Steve as they’re driving back to her place hoping, at the very least, to seal the deal. This part of the trailer actually makes me laugh. There’s something about hot crazy chicks that always strikes me as being honest and funny at the same time.

Now, after these “failed” attempts to find the one, Catherine Keener pops up into Steve’s life and what I fear the most about this movie starts to happen: he’s shown blossoming into a man who cares more for her package than for her, well, package. There’s the requisite laughing over a fun and jaunty soundtrack, the way he seems to beam with her as he’s being himself but the whole thing makes me ill. This movie seems to be straying too close to the romantic comedy and I just can’t appreciate that.

I was hoping this trailer would’ve at least lied to me somehow by making the trailer end on a wild note but this thing just peters out, shooting its funny load way too early and leaving me feel limp, dejected and ashamed.

Director: Sebastian Cordero
Cast: John Leguizamo, Leonor Watling, Jose Maria Yazpik, Alfred Molina, Damian Alcazar
Release: July 8, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A Miami reporter (John Leguizamo) travels to a small Ecuadorian village to cover a series of brutal murders and get the biggest story of his career, tracking a possible serial killer dubbed the Monster of Babahoyo.

Prognosis: Positivo. Hot damn.

I would say on a one to ten, this trailer deserves a 9 for its construction. Everything about how foreign films can be sold to Americans should be found all in this trailer. What, initially, I like about this trailer is the air of immediacy that’s given to the subject matter. Everything pops quickly and we don’t have a lot of lingering back story to get caught up in to drag us down.

The screen starts black and you can hear a throng of people in the background. It’s muffled but you just notice the “From the producers of Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN” glide across the screen. John Leguizamo’s face is shown briefly, in slow motion, before it fades away.

The Official Selection card where it was shown at Cannes, Toronto, and Sundance all help to quietly lend the legitimacy that’s perfectly placed. It’s quick enough to keep your attention and, I feel, stay with the trailer.

The action begins with a news report saying that John, a reporter for a news agency in some Latin country, saves a guy from instant flammable death by gasoline. He gets involved in a bad situation. The screen fades out.

A lilting guitar plays in the background as John explains his role as a reporter. He mentions words about truth and his job as one who reports on it. It’s a little grandiose and it’s slightly aggrandizing as I think that most reporters feel in some way that they’re out there doing God’s work but it is just a job, after all. John takes the long way around saying he’s an investigative journalist. Small quibble, no worries.

“On the trail of a serial killer”¦”

Throaty Voiceover Guy drops into the action and cranks this already interesting movie up a few notches with even more exposition. John’s on the path to finding out something about a killer on the loose. He’s running, dodging the popo’s for reasons unknown, and there’s even some mass grave action going on. The camera work is palatable and its cinematography feels like it’s dirtying my computer screen. It’s wonderful.

What’s more is the interesting way subtitles are used. I would explain it but it’s so much more fun to see it for yourself. It’s one of the more engaging ways to get gringos into the mix with Spanish speaking peoples and it makes you pay attention to the words.

The screen jumps to black as we get snippets of glowing reviews, which is helpful 90% of the time as long as it’s done right, along with some real interesting quick clips of what’s going on in the movie.

The direction seems to meld wonderfully with the story and as long as there hasn’t been too much manipulation with the direction of the movie to the trailer I think this could be a really good movie.

Director: Roger Allers, Jill Culton, Anthony Stacchi
Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Martin Lawrence, Debra Messing, Paul Westerberg
Release: September 9, 2006
Synopsis: A deer buddies up with a domesticated grizzly bear when the two animals are alone in the woods during hunting season. Meanwhile, Beth, a forest ranger who raised the bear, embarks on a desperate search to find her friend.

Prognosis: Positive. I love it.

I absolutely love this trailer which, by all intents and purposes, ought to be labeled a teaser. I don’t know why you’d want to generate interest nearly one year and three months plus put but I don’t run my own marketing department so who the hell am I to make a peep?

However, and first off, I was slightly skittish from the opening. What has Sony Animation ever put out into the fray? I wasn’t sure either and I can’t think of a single CGI, animated movie that they’ve done. This being the first time and all I thought it might look a little rough, getting one’s footing in the genre and all. Turns out, though, things just explode in a good way. You’ve got a rabbit that’s running for his life through a thicket of grass, obviously very upset that there’s something chasing him. This certainly ain’t BROTHER BEAR.

“Since before the beginning of the beginning of time”¦”

You get Roscoe McHiggins and his hillbilly mode of transport tearing through the forest trying to get this little rabbit. The camera is pulled back and you see the two of them plunging into a plume of trees. Our hunter churns some dirt as he pulls over and runs on foot after the little mammal; he’s carrying a shotgun. The animation draws me in. As an aside, movies like SHARK TALE should have understood that even though you have fish and sharks and different animals you don’t need to attack the color palate with every ROYGBIV combination you could think of. Use some sense is all I’m saying and this one looks like it has.

Right before the plaid hunter caps the rabbit in the face with serious amounts of buckshot, the requisite fingers in the bunny’s mouth to whistle, the universal help signal that transcends every culture and age group, blares out and it produces a small squirrel. The squirrel, who ends up being Scottish, and, while I’m talking about it, what is up with Scottish accented beasts ruling the animated market anyway? He yells out to his European counterparts, dozens of other squirrels who all heed the command by giving a rousting “Oy!” along with bagpipe music blurting over it all. Annoying as it is, with beating a cultural convention into the proverbial ground, it still made me laugh.

And, from out of nowhere, no longer is it just squirrels but the whole damn forest comes alive with bloodlust as other creatures essentially show off their homemade weaponry. I, myself, appreciated the large buck with a bra spread between his antlers, ostensibly to create a makeshift catapult I assume, and the one woodchuck who, like a deranged serial killer, wields a speeding chainsaw. It’s great. It’s cheeky and draws me in to its odd little world.

The promo does everything that it should with the only downside being that the movie doesn’t come out until next fall and it seems that Ashton Kutcher is voicing one of the leads.

Question: Is it really that necessary that Hollywood turn to actors to voice these things instead of using someone who may actually be useful in the part? I mean if I am going to work on a movie for YEARS would I want a voice that will really do something for the character or am I happy with whatever star has the highest Q score rating that month? Obviously, the answer is popularity wins out every time but whatever. Of what I saw I would definitely see this movie. And, it looks like the kids would enjoy it as well.

Director: Chris Columbus
Cast: Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Wilson Jermaine Heredia, Jesse L. Martin, Idina Menzel, Adam Pascal
Release: November 11, 2005
Synopsis: This is the film version of the Pulitzer and Tony Award winning musical about Bohemians in the East Village of New York City struggling with life, love and AIDS, and the impacts they have on America.

Prognosis: Negative. Look, I am going to say something and I don’t want the wrong part of the audience to not get where I am coming from, and I am usually more erudite in my explanations when I don’t appreciate something, but this movie looks pretty shitty.

Now, to give you some idea of where my blind scale of justice sways, Broadway-wise, let me state that I was enamored with CHICAGO, thought that Hugh Jackman’s performance in both OKLAHOMA! and THE BOY FROM OZ was spectacular when compared to other Hollywood actors who try and fail wonderfully when they make a run at it, enjoy the spectacle shows like LION KING and BEAUTY AND THE BEAST but have an affectionate bone in my body that gravitates towards classics like MISS SAIGON and PHANTOM OF THE OPERA whenever I need something to reestablish my baseline for fruitiness in the eyes of my peers.

That said, though, I can’t even look this trailer in the eye without feeling all sorts of effeminate. I almost can’t even bear to recount the actions in this trailer without sensing my nads creeping into my sac but I will go on with the show and try to do what’s best for this column.

The trailer opens. I AM interested. I have never seen Rent live or heard it on CD but, from what I know, there are people who swear by its power as a musical. I know of individuals who see this show again and again, trying to get in with last minute, student or cheap seating.

The skyline for what I think is New York comes into daylight. It’s a bit passé and clichéd to start something with the beginning of the day but who the hell cares, right? The stage is all about keeping with convention and most people just want conventional so it’s ok.

A piano starts. I think for a moment this is the opening for Taxi or Cheers or any number of other television shows that used a piano to kick things off but I know we’re in for a song.

“Five-hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes”¦”

I am being serenaded by a gaggle of people and all I see on the screen are good looking urbanites trudging though the streets and subways of this city. The music grows in intensity as our choir booms into life. The action on the screen shows a powerless Rosario Dawson who is having a burned out candle lit by some strange dude who no doubt has something other than passionate romance on his mind; after all, she wore leather and chains, she wants to party.

We get snowy street corners, we see some dude riding a beater old ten-speed, a relic that even the dudes from BREAKING AWAY would eschew, and we get a sickening display of those slow-mo shots of people smiling, having a good time, and living a life you and I won’t ever know because we just aren’t that pretty enough. What’s more, and what I think, is that the slow-mo shot of people laughing like they’ve never laughed before is because someone just cut one and they’re trying to pin it on someone, you get the affective hardship slow-mo shot which is what drama queens do when they put their hand on their forehead as if to say “I just can’t go on living anymore,” and then you get the slo-mo shot of a happy couple dancing in the streets which, if were to be sped up to normal time, you would quickly see other people shouting offensive epithets in protest against such egregious PDA.

I will admit that the music is good. I was jiving in my chair as I heard it but this all feels, seriously, like the intro to the Rent television show on the Lifetime network where it’s lead-in is probably Thirtysomething and, right after it, Hill Street Blues.

It’s about here that we get the Spotlight Choir.

Each person wants to add their own special somethin’ somethin’ to this little song and I say God bless “˜em. They want to show the world that they’re able, someday, to be Ricky Martin’s backup singers or David Cassidy’s chorus when he’s singing at the Flamingo Hilton every Tuesday through Sunday, Monday’s always being black; singers need rest too.

It’s all very dramatic in a way that rubs me the wrong way. I guess you can put me in the category that thinks it all feels false. It shouldn’t, I know that, but it does. I am manly enough to admit that I like a good musical but I just can’t condone this trailer. You are effectively alienating a significant portion of your audience by having a trailer like this. Look at CHICAGO’s filmic campaign, with the trailer, and tell me what’s different about the two of them. I’ll tell you this: there isn’t a call-attention-to-yourself musical number that’s dragged out for 2+ minutes.

Director: Miranda July
Cast: Ellen Geer, John Hawkes, Brad William Henke, Miranda July, Jordan Potter, Brandon Ratcliff, Jason Rice, Natasha Slayton, Miles Thompson, Najarra Townsend, Carlie Westerman
Release: June 17, 2005
Synopsis: Me and You and Everyone We Know is a poetic and penetrating observation of how people struggle to connect with one another in an isolating and contemporary world. Christine Jesperson is a lonely artist and eEldercab driver who uses her fantastical artistic visions to draw her aspirations and objects of desire closer to her. Richard Swersey (John Hawkes), a newly single shoe salesman and father of two boys, is prepared for amazing things to happen. But when he meets the captivating Christine, he panics. Life is not so oblique for Richard’s seven-year-old Robby, who is having a risqué internet romance with a stranger, and his fourteen- year-old brother Peter who becomes the guinea pig for neighborhood girls – practicing for their future of romance and marriage.

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Prognosis: Positive. I had to throw my artistic bad self a bone here and indulge in some really deep moviemaking. Well, it may not be deep but there is something brewing in this trailer and it’s not Sanka.

What I think is most admirable about this trailer is that it really isn’t trying to be something that it isn’t. For examples of things that try too hard, just flip through any number of movie magazines to see how certain movies are played up for their “romanticism” or “action” or how a certain demographic is aimed for with its use of money shots or what kind of narrative is being pimped.

This one definitely has its own voice, for better or worse.

What’s odd about the way this thing starts is that you have some woman who looks like Maggie Gyllenhall’s middle aged sister who is caressing a microphone in a way that makes my nards quiver. She’s talking to herself, modulating her voice as she has a pseudo conversation with no one else but she, and the camera captures this woman’s singularity in a way that makes me curious yet completely wierded out by the whole scenario. Luckily, we don’t linger long in this universe.

Our next obviously broken and shredded human being comes in the form of what looks like 1/3 of the super alterna/electronica group, Le Tigre; “˜Cept this is a dude who is a dude and not some woman who looks like a dude. Anyway, this guy is an Al Bundy who works in women’s shows and our two anti-heroes meet whilst he helps to slip on a pump to our maiden. She has a laceration on her ankle to which our man lets slide, as if it doesn’t slightly smack of pretentiousness, “You think you deserve that pain but you don’t.”

Groan.

Ok, I understand. It’s a deep movie. Thankfully, this is just tossed out casually and we never hear another word like this again. We’re thrust, swiftly, into this man’s universe as he regales us with what he hopes for his kids and for his life. He honestly comes off as a guy who’s trying to support a family and who dances not only to a different drummer but to a whole variant style of rhythm.

And this is also relevant to the discussion but the kids in question are showcased a little more here and you see that they’re not idealized Hollywood brood. They seem like kids who are also living a life that’s askew from the normalcy of what’s expected of today’s youth.

We meet up with our fumbling duo once more in the shoe department as our shoe guy tells the weird chick that he severely damaged his hand while trying, unsuccessfully, to save his own life. Huh? Yeah, I don’t get it either.

The quotes from Entertainment Weekly and Roger Ebert and the small seals of approval from Sundance, and it’s inclusion in it, all help to shore up the credibility of this odd, little, quirky film.

There’s some parts GHOST WORLD, some elements of THIRTEEN, a little PUNCH DRUNK LOVE and some shimmers of Todd Solondz in the editing that’s going on. I can’t say for sure if I’m going to rush out quickly to see this movie but I can say that the trailer kept me hooked.

Director: Mike Newell
Cast: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Robbie Coltrane, Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith
Release: November 18, 2005
Synopsis: In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) must contend with being mysteriously selected to compete in the prestigious Triwizard Tournament, a thrilling international competition that pits him against older and more experienced students from Hogwarts and two rival European wizarding schools. Meanwhile, supporters of Harry’s nemesis, the evil Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes), send a shockwave of fear throughout the wizard community when their Dark Mark scorches the sky at the Quidditch World Cup, signaling Voldemort’s return to power. But for Harry, this is not the only harrowing news causing him anxiety”¦he still has yet to find a date for Hogwarts’ Yule Ball dance.

Prognosis: I’ll Wait “˜Till Video. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have the world finally know you’ve grown pubes.

Sheesh. Awful.

Daniel Radcliffe, though, must love that knowledge being out there as much as pedophiles must hate that their time is running out to snap up that young Emma Watson, who actually is maturing very well after cruising through young adolescence just fine in front of the camera, is drawing to a close.

I would have to go on record as saying the PRISONER OF AZKABAN really was a blessing to kid’s movies everywhere. When you have source material like the Potter series you could’ve kept with the Chris Columbus route and rode that wave to gravy train box office boffo. Instead, like directorial musical chairs, Warner’s goes from using one of the most artistic directors of recent years and now places the series in the hands of the man who gave us FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL and PUSHING TIN. I don’t understand why one would go for someone who is, lack for a better adjective, good, but why?

The last movie was great in its capacity to capture the mood that the other two films did a so-so job in executing. I am not the one who signs the checks but if I were I don’t know why I would take two creative steps forward only to retreat five back in a declaration of mediocrity. I just don’t. This doesn’t mean that I am not eager to see this new interpretation, far from it, as what I see in the trailer here is really catchy.

This trailer, which is nearly a teaser as no one says squat until the middle point of this thing, starts off much the way I would’ve: show the progression.

I think it’s fabulous that we get a look at Harry and Co. as they transition physically from the weak little children they once were into the teens that they are now. It’s so utterly simplistic in its silent execution of showing all four phases of their lives that I applaud the decision not to just jump right into things. The effect that time has had on my boy Rupert Grint isn’t so delightful that he has the perennial look of someone who has constantly been woken up from a nap.

After we’ve established that we’re all coming-of-age we get our plot foundation. And good thing too as the trailer already has burned half its running time on our characters with no mention of where this narrative is going.

Fear not, true believer, as it gushes out in cut scenes and Michael Gambon’s oration of how this movie is all about the Mr. Wizard Tourney that’s being hosted at Hogwarts. While I don’t understand jack about any of this I do understand that what the narration does effectively is to showcase all the glorious money shots that yearns to spend its wealth into the imagination of kids everywhere.

Some of the stuff looks hokey, the “wizards” who compete against Harry have that prototypical bad guy look about them which really does a disservice to the story as you know all the angry scowls these people wear all negate their “chance” at besting young Harry, but I am grooving on the image of the dragon that comes at the end of our video presentation of the trailer. It’s wonderfully rendered and I hope to see more of that in trailers to come. The narration over the cards before it all goes to black?

Director: Gary David Goldberg
Cast: Diane Lane, John Cusack, Elizabeth Perkins, Dermot Mulroney, Christopher Plummer, Stockard Channing
Release: July 29, 2005
Synopsis: Based on the novel by Claire Cook, MUST LOVE DOGS stars Oscar-nominated Diane Lane as Sarah Nolan, a newly divorced woman cautiously rediscovering romance with the enthusiastic but often misguided help of her well-meaning family. Elizabeth Perkins stars as one of Sarah’s incorrigible matchmaking siblings who do everything they can to energize her love life, including posting a personal ad for her with an online dating service; while John Cusack and Dermot Mulroney star as two hot prospects who might just prove too good to be true. As she braves a series of hilariously disastrous mismatches and first dates, Sarah begins to trust her own instincts again and learns that, no matter what, it’s never a good idea to give up on love. MUST LOVE DOGS also stars Christopher Plummer as Sarah’s widowed Dad, who has recently launched his own search for a soul mate with surprisingly successful results, and Stockard Channing, as one of his free-spirited dates who likes to keep several online personalities in circulation.

Prognosis: Does Lane Meyer Need Money This Badly?. Okay, I admit it; I reviewed this one to see what it would be like to not have any testosterone.

It worked. I’m a fully functioning woman after seeing this trailer.

Now, before you all get up in my grill about this, I wanted to review a trailer for the ladies, as this is an equal opportunity showcase, but also try and think like a woman. (I could insert a crack I heard about how to this is in a quite pejorative manner but I’ll save that for later) Women want to be excited to see films too, as they do represent a large percentage of the movie going audience, so I looked at this film with the idea in my melon with the following question: Would I be dragged to see this if my wife caught this between watching Oprah, The View, reruns of Desperate Housewives, and any commercial starring babies, dying grandparents or feminine hygiene products.

First of all, there isn’t a voiceover to be heard anywhere; bold move if you ask me but this is pretty smart on the marketing side of things. The angle is all about letting Diane Lane, who is just supa fine looking as a mature woman of Hollywood and kudos for her still getting some choice parts, just play things out. Show her character. Show who she is. The best way to do this, from watching the opening moments, is to let some poor slob of a dude make the mistake of doing his job at the meat counter. The guy recommends that by buying a little more meat she can save a little money to which she flips out. Seriously, the chick goes off the handle and I can already see why she’s a divorced woman. In fact, I quickly take my Would-I-That? pulse and on a scale from catching a woman on the rebound from a really long relationship after she’s had a few too many beyond a few too many to loony bin, asylum types of woman I would have to say, no, I would have to pass on tappin’ that. Any woman who freaks out too easily could easily be a few glasses of Courvoisier away from”¦.well”¦you get the idea.

So, we’ve established she’s a nut and is divorced for reasons we can see as clearly as any lighthouse at sea.

Now, check this out, Diane’s best friend, Elizabeth Perkins (those who would hit that sandwich, raise both your hands. Nice.) puts her face and profile online. Let me repeat that: her best friend shoves her onto the Internets, whoring her out, for any guy who comes along. That isn’t even the best part. The best part comes when, after Elizabeth tells her what she’s done, instead of flying for the metal skillet to break her friend’s hands, she nods in acquiescence. She thinks this is a good idea! Awesome. This woman is getting crazier and crazier.

As is the case for any movie where you have a protagonist looking for that special someone, kind of like at a rock concert where you have real crappy opening bands to make those you did pay to see that much better, you have the obnoxious sub-species of male, the Hollywood envisioning of odd blind daters who have readily apparent flaws, before you get the obvious choice: John Cusack.

What pulls me in, as a guy, is that he recognizes how crazy she is. He even mentions the word “mess” to describe her current condition. Now, we all know he’s not going to hit it and quit it but at least we’re dealing on a good honest playing field.

Things go a little awry when Dermot Mulroony shows up and effs everything to high hell but this has still kept my attention to bravo to that. You have the set up, the situation, the twist and are leaving things open to interpretation even though we all know how this will end.

I weep a little on the inside when Natalie Cole’s “This Will Be,” one of the most prevalent chick movie soundtrack songs, montages over scenes with Diane trying to wrestle with which guy she’s going to choose to make a living hell out of.

Director: Andy Byatt, Alastair Fothergill
Cast: Michael Gambon as Narrator (voice), Pierce Brosnan as Narrator (Voice)
Release: June 17, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: The natural history of the oceans.

Prognosis: Positive. Quick, name one of Luc Besson’s best movies from the mid-80’s that starred a not yet washed out Rosanna Arquette and a dashingly brute Jean Reno that every person should watch for no other reason than the cinematography?

THE BIG BLUE.

Without a doubt the film is one of my personal favorites as I actually saw it on Beta, I’m so dating myself, on a night when my buddy Brandon Murphy also rented SPINAL TAP. It was one crazy night for filmic greatness, let me tell you. What attracted me so much to BIG BLUE were its moments of breathtaking shots of guys who deep dive, without air tanks, as far as they can hold their breath while descending insane levels into the ocean. It was at the same time claustrophobic and exhilarating.

What I see in DEEP BLUE, then, is that same feeling of claustrophobia and exhilaration as this documentary starts off with rattling off some very basic facts about the amount of life inside the ocean.

I nearly click stop and move on to something else before the following card pops up:

“”¦more people have walked on the moon than have seen the ocean’s deepest floor.”

The Vangelis/Yanni/New Age titter of the harp relaxes me as the sweet images of crashing waves, curling surf and of frolicking sea life turns dark and foreboding. The music is stopped for something with a little more of an edge.

Creatures I have never seen before, kind of like that little sprite fairy from THE ABYSS, pull into focus and I have no words that go on and describe what the hell they are. They look fake, they do. They’re independently illuminated by their own bodies and they are shaped in a way I am not anatomically used to seeing. It really is a sight to see.

Then, abruptly, the music speeds up only to slow down as we have a predator/prey thing going for a bit. The fragility of the things with wings is replaced with savage ocean dwellers looking for a snack.

National Geographic gets their own blurb tossed on the screen, appropriate for the kind of picture we have here, and even Voiceover Guy drops in for a shout-out, inviting us on behalf of Miramax, how sweet of them to do that, while an amazing cone of fish swirl like a tornado in the background.

Movies like this are perfect for little ones who are, no doubt, attracted to these kinds of things. Plus, on the upside, this also looks like a movie that won’t bore you to death.

Director: Steve Boyum
Cast: Steve Howey, Mike Vogel, Sophia Bush, Cameron Richardson, Robert Patrick
Release: August 10, 2005
Synopsis: Faced with the suspicious death of their father, two brothers must motivate one another to get back on their bikes and take the Las Vegas Motocross Championships by storm.

Prognosis: Negative. I love it.

“Risk Everything.”

After doing reviews of some really worthy trailers this week, I was in the mood for something like a chocolaty snack. Something that would satisfy my carnal, base needs for an edible foodstuff that wouldn’t do anything more than make me portly. What I found in this trailer, admirably enough, did all that. Still doesn’t change that this film looks like it was made with a budget cobbled together with a few tax returns and a winning box top from a Cap’n’Crunch “Find the Cap’n” sweepstakes.

“Your girlfriend dumped you”

Alright, I was a little harsh in the intro but, begrudgingly, they’ve got the mood down; you need frenetic quick cuts with very little for people to focus on and they succeeded in doing that. The passionate kiss between a guy and chick, who are no doubt in the throes of passion on a Sealy, gets the adolescent horn-dog demographic all riled up.

“Your car was stolen”¦Your rent is overdue”¦but these are the least of your worries”

So, it’s kind of like a pseudo serious HAPPY GILMORE set-up, right? Guy needs money, guy seems down on his luck, has “one last shot” to make a name for himself? Am I getting warm? No, because that film’s a comedy and this seems like a drama without the dramatics.

The trailer hasn’t yet shown us our protagonist but that is of little concern when you’re busy showing the asses of young ladies in cut-offs, dudes signing ladies’ stomachs, and displaying all sorts of handlebar-twistin’, helmet donnin’, knock-down fisticuff pushin’ as you round some corners, before ever getting to the narrative. The target audience doesn’t need a whole lot of exposition.

When we do finally get there we’re given a verbal exchange between a shirtless dude and a female rider who make some double-entendre small talk; what that had to do with anything I haven’t a clue. What’s more is that Voiceover Guy pops in to do the job that the slackholes who made this trailer obviously thought was important to get into halfway into the trailer.

“Two brothers”¦who have never been given a chance”¦” This is pretty much all you need to know. You can insert eye rolling right about here.

The machismo gets all sorts out of control as we are introduced to our “bad guy,” a meathead to end all meatheads, who tells our “brothers” to watch themselves cuz their in whay over their headz. I’m just surprised to see that this guy’s knuckles aren’t touching the ground as he walks; the things medical science of Hollywood can do to troglodytes is simply amazing.

You get more ladies getting their breasts autographed, there’s lot of shiny bike porn for those who are into that sort of thing, more useless ass shots of women for reasons I am all too cognizant of, but there is some shred of redemption here, kids.

The last few seconds of crazy clips that are pieced together with a block rocking beat are, oddly, well done. They really are. For a movie like this I am a believer that it’s better if no one in the trailer opens their fat, lunk-headed mouth any further than to display their “O” face as they bang some nameless starlet. Just focus on all the action.

As it stands, I am sure this one will survive a week in the theater, promptly making its way to my Blockbuster in two months, and will then languish among all the other DVD’s that will never get rented by anyone else than 13 year-olds who’ll get it because all the other copies of BIKERBOYZ are gone and some foolio done rented all the remaining copies of TORQUE.

Director: Henry Alex Rubin, Dana Adam Shapiro
Cast: Keith Cavill, Joe Soares, Mark Zupan
Release: July 8, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A film about (not quadriplegics but PARAPLEGICS) who play full-contact rugby in Mad Max-style wheelchairs – overcoming unimaginable obstacles to compete in the Paralympic Games in Athens, Greece.

Prognosis: Positive. My friend, Aime Boekhout, plays rugby.

The woman, seriously, and this is no joke, could jack me up hardcore if she wanted to. She’s wickedly fast for her size and incredibly athletic. That’s why I always try to get a running start when I have anything to say about who she’s currently dating.

I saw the trailer for this and thought that no matter where you fell on the fence about this sport, which is played full contact without the aid of girly maxi-pads that are secured all over one’s person, this looks like a great time at the movies. For a documentary, keeping the attention of the audience is key, and things just hit the floor spinning as this thing opens up.

The main participants in this docu are introduced quickly as they explain to all of us how they ended up in wheelchairs. The stories themselves are like little morsels of fascination, one of the guys got into a fight at a party with another dude and his opponent decided throwing him off a deck and snapping his spine was the next best thing, but we see them all in action as they’re ramming the crap out of their wheelchairs into each other.

“You can’t really market murderball to corporate sponsers”¦”

The intensity of the introductions take a back seat to the delicate piano music that plays in the background as our guys explain how Team USA has risen to a plateau of such prominence in the sport itself.

We get the delegations of other countries showcase, albeit briefly, but you see the kind of intensity that’s stoked in so many of these guys who want to mix it up. Smack talk plays a small role in this but you don’t even think, cognitively, anyway, that these guys can’t walk. I would be scared to play against this pack of people based on the moves employed in this trailer and the trailer does a superb job with invoking the sense of physical impact.

Instead of being told a story, how it starts and ends, you get a snapshot of what this sport means to these men, what this time means for them, in a way that doesn’t so much inspire as it does reaffirm that those limited in physical ability are still voracious and energized to take anything head on with the same machismo bravado as their able legged counterparts.

What’s more is that there is a lot of usage of quotable quotables which, to be fair, helps to showcase how well this movie is being received by some high end critics. I mean, usually, you get some reviewer from The Bunghole Arkansas Times who says it’s the best movie “evar” but not here. You get great comments from Ebert, Premiere, New York Times, and others. It really does help to have this kind of ammunition in one’s back pocket to toss out there.

As the trailer enters its decent into landing, the music gets slightly more manipulative, using “Follow the Day” from The Polyphonic Spree, as our rugby team heads off to Greece to compete on the proverbial world stage; I wonder how tasty the gyros are over there. You get a real flavor for the things that people say and do that show how we all still haven’t gotten the memo that wheelchair bound doesn’t equal helpless gimp but we get the idea that what these men are competing for doesn’t just come in a medal around the neck but that it’s the pursuit of complete dominance of their selves and desires.

That’s a lot of crap to pick up on a few glances but I’ll be dammed if I’m not almost 100% right.

Director: Craig Brewer
Cast: Terrence Dashon Howard, DJ Qualls, Ludacris, Taryn Manning, Anthony Anderson, Isaac Hayes
Release: July 13, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Djay is a pimp suffering a midlife crisis, yearning to be a rap star, and after being galvanized by a gospel song, he gets to work, finding it a very hard road to fame and respect.

Prognosis: Positive. Man, it just feels hot.

It looks like this movie was filmed in the hottest part of the South and that no one even thought to wipe themselves before each take.

When you watch a trailer like this, one man trying to make something of his passion, you wonder how it is for that same person when they find out they’re not ever going to be regarded in the way their dreams have led them to believe.

Terrence Howard, who plays DJay, blasts right out onto the screen in the beginning of this trailer as he explains for himself about what he’s feeling and what he wants. The man is obsessed with the noise in his head which no doubt consists of beats and rhymes. He’s laying it all out for a friend of his and I am immensely satisfied at the opening salvo for this trailer.

I am disturbed, however, as our man is in his flow that I see Anthony Anderson in the background providing support. Now, I am not really trying to be down on Anderson but when my man comes out with a movie like KING’S RANSOM and KANGAROO JACK, both of which should be treated like radioactive steamers that were left to kill audiences with their wretched stink in theaters, and you’re trying to sell this picture on an already fickle public it may or may not be in your best interest to highlight his role so prominently.

That’s just me, though.

“It’s hard out here for a pimp”¦”

You can see Terrence’s devotion to his craft as he tries to construct rhymes and beats that he thinks will sound well on a record. That comes off real well in the exposition we’re given about this man.

This is only explored further, giving a welcomed short shrift to some of the more exploitive moments that could have been chosen in lieu of this, what this man is desperately trying to make. This isn’t so much about a man trying to make a rap record but you feel that this is a movie trying to show how a man sees his future with regard to how his past and present experiences inform his motivation.

DJ Qualls, one of the oddest anomalies working in pictures today, arrives to provide some much needed levity, Anthony providing some of his own along the way, which, in short dollops, is quite fine; reference HAROLD AND KUMAR for a good example on this.

The narration quickly, but efficiently, moves to showing how, after our man cuts his album in his ramshackle recording studio, wants to get it heard by the clichéd hot “IT” hip-hop artiste of the moment, Skinny Black, who is played here by Ludacris. You can feel the need of Terrence, trying to get Black to just listen to his cd because he knows the value of what’s on there.

The rest of the trailer just explores this a little further, eking out his chance to shine, and what it will all come down to as it plays out in a single night.

I’m hopeful that the development of this man’s character remains true through the story as anything less than honesty and a well thought-out resolution of how this man’s story “ends” by the final reel would do a disservice to anyone who has come close to fulfilling their dreams.

Director: Martin Campbell
Cast: Antonio Banderas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Anthony Hopkins
Release: October 28, 2005
Synopsis: It has been six years since the last Zorro film. Now, he’s back with an all new installment where he has been quietly settling with his own family in San francisco. His little boy, Jouqauin, is now 10 years old and contains no information of his father’s secret life. When these angry tyrants come with plans of their own, Zorro is called upon to save the day against his new nemesis, Armand. Also Elena will be in mask as the try aspiring wife and new partner of Zorro.

Prognosis: Negative. Was there really that much money made on the first installment of this movie that someone else thought it would be a good idea?

Seriously. Who thought this was a good idea?

I want to remain impartial to what seems like a train wreck that’s just a stack of pennies away from jumping the tracks but it’s hard to be so non-judgmental.

I start the trailer and really do expect the worst but who would have thought I would be impressed by the opening shots of this thing? None more than me, let me tell you.

I actually like the non-voiceover that’s regulated to the back in favor of a more zippy, shot after frenetic shot, showcase of some of the action pieces.

You have a fast tick-tick-tick beat riding underneath a near train explosion (how appropriate), Antonio flying through the air like a Spanish Superman (sans tights), Antonio mixing it up in a fisticuffs with some guy on the outside of a train, more physical impossibilities with Antonio using his thin sword with the flourish of a crazy matador (Ole!), and we pause only ever so slightly as 2005’s MILF of the Year, Catherine Zeta-Jones, buxomly displays the goods to our Latin savior who yearns to tap that as well. Sloppy seconds? Yes, please.

So, I get it that the Gay Blade isn’t nearly as Gay as I thought: he’s a dad. Well, he could be one of those “progressive” fathers but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What seems to me that what’s happening is that pop goes out to far off locales to fight evildoers while his woman stays home to watch the young lad. It stinks too much of family entertainment that won’t end too much in tragedy (a la THE USUAL SUSPECTS where the wife and child are spectacularly done away with) but I sit on my hands to see what else might appear. I’m disappointed we don’t get Anthony Hopkins donning dark face again, which I still think is an egregious error in racial judgment if ever there was such a thing in filmic history, but we trudge forth anyway.

I don’t get Hopkins but what I do get is pretty lame in comparison. The world doesn’t seem to need Zorro “The Gay Blade” (man, I do like writing that) any longer as progress is proving the swordsman to be obsolete.

So, instead of spending time with his family and hanging his gay blade in a place where he could probably enjoy it he begs Mary, Mother of Jesus, to help him find a reason, any reason at all, to skip out on his familial obligations. She says something as he goes back to his house and suits up, and it’s hilarious to watch, like Batman putting on the cowl and outfit, except here it’s a black pirate shirt (Yar!), pantaloons that would make my grandmother giggle, a sword that would better be used as a skewer for steak and chicken fajitas on the grill, and dons a sombrero that would be a lot more funny if it had dozens of those little red dingle berries around the rim.

There’s some shots of Antonio using his hat as a weapon like he was trying out for Oddjob’s replacement in a new Bond sequel, and gets some wicked air time with it to boot, some more trains blow up, he’s amazed when an adversary unsheathes two blades compared to his one, more physical improbabilities abound, and the whole thing ends in a cavalcade of discordant sounds, images and eye-candy that will no doubt excite the Antonio Banderas Fan Club in ways that would be immeasurable by today’s standards.

Director: Jeff Wadlow
Cast: Julian Morris, Lindy Booth, Jared Padalecki, Jon Bon Jovi
Release: September 23, 2005
Synopsis: Nobody believes a liar – even when they’re telling the truth. When a young woman is found murdered, a group of local high school students decide to further scare their classmates by spreading online rumors that a serial killer called “The Wolf” is on the loose. By describing “The Wolf’s” next victims, the students’ game is to see how many people they can convince – and if anyone will uncover the lie. But when the described victims actually do start turning up dead, suddenly no one knows where the lies end and the truth begins. As someone or something begins hunting the students themselves, the game turns terrifyingly real.

Prognosis: Negative. You know that “bleerdeebeep” that chimes whenever your mother, sister or brother are using that sad ass AOL IM software? That’s the opening chime in this trailer.

What got me thinking briefly off-topic is that we’re thrown into this set-up because AOL seems to have their Time-Warner fingers in the promotion of this film. Now, I can be all about corporate synergy and product placements when done right, even X2 was a bit blatant with theirs, (Who knew Wolvie was so into the Dr. Pepper I guess I missed that Comics 101 column”¦) but I just hate it when it’s tossed in front of me like a tranny selling his/her wares on a West Hollywood street corner.

Anyhow, after the initial anger wears off, we have some faceless nerd who’s using AOL for Broadband technology when he gets an instant message from someone he doesn’t know.

The clicka-clacka of the keyboard hasn’t even registered so much as a word before these two people are “chatting” with such speed that I am amazed by their keyboard prowess. In fact, all the words are spelled correctly and I am freaking out of my head in shock that the convo goes so fast. It goes from a hello to a “I’m killing everyone you know” in a matter of moments. Ah, the economy of time, but I understand the need for expediency.

What I do like, though, about the trailer is that there are no voiceovers, no cards, and no dialogue whatsoever. I really do appreciate that and commend the makers of the trailer for this. It will be the last sort of compliment, however, that I will bestow on this thing.

So after we establish that we have a really good H4X0R who’s infiltrating the computer of one of our killers’ targets by getting to him via an IM conversation which, as we all know, is classic M.O. for any loony looking to off some college-aged co-eds, we are treated to a split screen presentation of the killer establishing a location for where he is taking his bodies to the IM sentence that spells it out for our future victim. I mean Jason or Freddy could only walk around their respective kill grounds killing their prey indiscriminately but this is taking the killing genre into the mid-1990’s!

This all feels very Fear Dot Com-ish but I still got a little love for it being able to schizophrenically toggle between words and kills. The music helps the trailer along as well so it’s got the right thing going for it.

We get knifes, ski masks, heavy jackets, running, some chick who’s alone in an indoor pool (huh?), and then the obligatory “Run!” being shouted by someone who’s most likely going to be sacrificial lamb so the hot girlfriend can run away without so much as getting a scrape.

I just don’t know, though, I don’t. I think I might’ve been into this when I was 13 or 14 but I can’t help but feel that the whole murder/campus/good-looking and nubile kids/who-is-it behind the mask has been done to point of boredom.

Maybe it’s that damn bleerdeebeep.

Director: Ruth Leitman
Cast: Penny Banner, Bill Cosby, Lillian Ellison, Gladys Gillem, Judy Grable, Cyndi Lauper
Release: May 20, 2005 (Seattle International Film Festival)
Synopsis: Ring legends such as The Fabulous Moolah and Gladys “Kill ‘Em” Gillem Long provide candid insights into the history of women’s professional wrestling.

Prognosis: Positive. I appreciate the art of wrestling.

There’s something that’s inherently close to the comic book format, of villains and heroes, which really meant something to me as a kid growing up. It’s nearly sad to admit publicly but I don’t know if I really understood how fake it was until much later on in my youth.

This movie looks like a real hoot and holler for anyone who might be a fan of the mythos of wrestling as a spectator sport and for the theatrics it employs. Not only that but this movie is all about the old school ladies who used to pile drive but it explores the nuances of womanly empowerment that allowed ladies to be physical and rough in an era when demure and fragile were buzzwords of the time.

I am really unsure of my footing, so to speak, when the trailer opens with a black and white clip from To Tell The Truth that, as you can see, was prominently underwritten by Camel. Now, seeing how we find out that the professional wrestler in question is a woman, all dolled up in her flamboyant gear I would make a camel-toe joke, to tie it into what’s on the screen, here but that would be crass, juvenile, and completely derail the point of this movie.

I laugh anyway.

The trailer launches straight up into the air as more black and white video and photographs show how these lovely ladies dominated a sport that only men enjoyed participating in. One of the women who we don’t see says that the men were actually resentful of women who were professional wrestlers as they garnered more attention than the dudes.

After passing along that factoid I am glued to the presentation here as the cuts are quick, I’m shown lots of chicks having it out with one another in all different sorts of positions, I even get some midget wrestling tossed in but I am mostly in awe of the thunderous ways these women are hurting one another. I start to revert to my little boy youth and think that maybe these women DID hurt each other inside the ring. The footage is fabulous.

The subsequent Voiceover Guy is really useful here in establishing some direction of things as this isn’t all about wrestling. What we have is a sociological portrait of a very real time for women in professional sports and how their physicality allowed for the inclusion of women in an area that no one had dared tread before.

Now, the footage moves to modern day WWE wrestling and I feel completely lost. I am positive that one helped the other but I don’t know if, when these ladies started to break though the glass ceiling of brutality, they had Macho Man Randy Savage’s Ms. Elizabeth in mind as someone who’s furthering the cause but I have no doubt they would’ve been pleased with Chyna’s success as a female (I know that could be debated by some…) in the sport.

The trailer even mixes in some hot roller derby action and some woman wrestling an alligator and it completely pleases me. The quotes from other publications that have seen the movie sell me a little more on how well, overall, the product is put together and I have to even give it up for the on-screen graphics that use the barker poster style, back when people promoted events like this with full color flourish, to really tie it all together.

Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Miranda Otto, Tim Robbins, David Alan Basche
Release: June 29, 2005
Synopsis: A contemporary retelling of H.G. Wells’s seminal classic, the sci-fi adventure thriller reveals the extraordinary battle for the future of humankind through the eyes of one American family fighting to survive it.

Prognosis: Stop with the cock tease, please. Know what I learned last week? Tom Cruise is really short. Katie Holmes towers over that “short statured” man, I hear they don’t like being called midgets nowadays, in a way that honestly did shock me. I mean I knew he was small but his being able to cuddle up to pillows without being in bed has really lingered with me ever since I saw the two of them together; c’mon, didn’t some of you think that Katie kinda looked like his babysitter? Heck, never mind that the “relationship” is falser than Tom Cruise’s protestations he’s not now, nor ever has been, a man who is into platform footwear but, c’mon, did we have to wait all this time between the teaser trailer to get this in return?

The trailer explodes upon starting as you get Cruise addressing the camera, all washed out in Spielberg’s cinematography and looking ever so dashing in that full frame sort of way, with his narration feeding into the visuals as you’re slightly off-put by what’s happening.

He says, to whoever the hell he’s talking to, to keep our eyes forward and to stare at him even though we don’t know who or where we are.

There does seem like there’s panic in his voice and as the trailer goes on a little further we see he’s talking to Dakota. (Man, do I ever wish that our alien invaders get a shot off and get that little whirligig of a girl. She escaped it in MAN ON FIRE but I am still holding out for a quality kill”¦)

Now, the subsequent images of an entire town that seems to be fleeing its borders, like a mass migration out of Dodge, don’t really connect with the opening images of what was so dammed important for us not to see in the first place. The po-pos and even the Army are out in force so this must be the point at which people are starting to panic. The card in between the scenes tell me that on June 29th I should prepare for the event that will change my world forever and I just have to call these trailer people out on “Shenanigans!” for dropping that line on me. I mean, really, this is just a film and not a local news bump that they so often like to use, to tell why an expose on why my smoke alarm could be the very thing that will kill my entire family but I have to wait until 10 to get the information that’s so important but not important enough to tell me right now, is just a weak and lazy ass way to get me to see your film. Because you know what? This film is not going to change my world forever and unless you’ve hired people to leap out of the screen a la BACHELOR PARTY when Rick is trying to save Tawny Kitaen then it’s just lazy writing.

So, after getting myself all sorts of worked up, I continue to watch and am rewarded to two movies: TITANIC and SPIDER-MAN 2. In the mass exodus that seems to be happening, when our alien brethren come a knocking, a ferry that’s shuttling people across a river gets “attacked” by the John Holmes version (a little longer on the length for those keeping score) of Dr. Octopus. No wonder Doc Ock was angry, he had to compete with some other creature that got him beat by a good 10 foot or so of pure alien tube steak. These baddies tip over the ferry which, I have to be honest, looks like a sweet effect, Tom somehow isn’t involved in it but it gives a vague look at what these crawlers look like up close.

After our passengers get sent to a watery grave we get a whole lot of destruction on a mass extinction level and there really does seem to be litter everywhere. The sets are all clogged with apocalyptic detritus that includes freeways, highways, newspapers, and the cast of screaming thousands. While it’s nice to look at, it really doesn’t give me a clue as to what I can expect in this new installment.

If I had to write an essay I could factually back-up that this movie has a lot of Tom Cruise looking very rugged with all that strategically placed dirt and grime with his “˜do looking dashingly ready for action, Dakota looking like a doe-eyed space cadet and there’s a damn high number of destructive and wicked awesome looking explosions.