DURHAM – I survived the other Joe the Lion.
There are a few things that get me out of bed at 5 a.m. But when Hall of Fame basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski needs a P.A., I’m there. He’s bringing the Olympic gold back to America. I’ll carry his water for my normal daily fee.
Coach K was starring in an ad campaign for a product I can’t discuss. They needed a P.A. for the website video and the print campaign shoot. In between these gigs, I’d get a breather as the coach would be working with the 35mm commercial crew.
I was still rather sleepy when I pulled onto the Duke campus. I reported to the producer and curiously asked who was shooting the Coach K commercial. The last time I worked with Coach K, it was Oscar winner Errol Morris doing the American Express ad. I was hoping to hear an ex-Propaganda guy would be on the court. The producer softly said, “Joe Pytka.”
This news woke me up better than using a beer bong to chug a gallon of Jolt soda, Red Bull and a meth chaser. While my life didn’t flash before my eyes, my soul could feel the short careers of other P.A.s vanquishing. For those who don’t squirm in horror, Pytka is best known for his thousands of commercials. He brought us the McDonald’s “Nothing But Net” series with Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. He lensed the legendary “Your Brain on Drugs” series. He’s done an astonishing number of ads that ended up on The Superbowl. You might really know him for directing Space Jam with Jordan and Bugs Bunny. But for those who wrangle cable and pull focus, Pytka’s name rates up with “Bloody Mary.” You never say Pytka three times while looking into a Fresnel lens.
Stories of what Pytka has done to crew members are notorious in production circles. I can’t even repeat them on advice of legal counsel. A majority of them end with Pytka firing everybody on the set. But maybe these are just stories told by jealous bitches. Perhaps Pytka is a misunderstood, sweet, warm, lovable guy.
While cutting through the hotel lobby to retrieve stuff from the producer’s room, I spotted Pytka coming out of the elevator. He’s not quite the Lion of legend since his hair has grayed and thinned. He’s almost like a heavyweight version of Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror. Under normal circumstances, I’d say, “Good morning” and introduce myself as part of the crew (although not his crew). But as he got closer, I felt this hideous aura that warned me to not even make eye contact. Darth Vader’s “force” doesn’t come close to the menace of Pytka. The weight of my eyeballs on his black sweatshirt would probably cause him to erupt. I looked directly at the elevator and let him pass undisturbed. Without us exchanging a word, I sensed that all those stories were true. I didn’t breath until the elevator doors were closed.
Even though I wasn’t working on his crew, I feared that he’d fire me for having the nerve to bring myself to his attention. I’ve said hello to Sonny Barger of Hells Angels fame. I’m not a chicken when it comes to saying hello. But Pytka is literally like working with a lion. It’s not a question of if it’ll attack, but what’s your escape route when it attacks. Nobody will ever confuse Joe Pytka for Mr. Rogers.
The shoot location was the brand new Michael W. Krzyzewski Center for Athletic Excellence. Do you want to know why Coach K didn’t run off to the NBA when the Celtics and Lakers threw money at him? Cause he’s got an empire on Duke’s campus. This new Center is huge. It has two indoor basketball courts, massive lockerroom area, a weight room that could house Fit TV’s studios and a “film room” that rivals NASA’s Mission Control or Bill Gates’ home entertainment center. This is a long way from a corner in the gym with an abandoned blackboard and three half pieces of chalk. This is big time college basketball.
When it comes to pitchman, Coach K is a pure professional. I was in complete awe at how he worked his lines and nailed his marks. He needs to quit having VIP basketball camps and train executives how to appear in their industrial videos. I learned a lot watching him operate on the green screen. I was in charge of making sure he had water on the set. Anyone who complains that I’m a water carrier for Coach K, I can’t argue it. When it came time for him to work with Pytka on the courts, I remained hidden in the lobby.
A row of windows looked down on the court. We would sneak peaks of Pytka and his crew. We wanted to see what made him so special. At one point, I saw Pytka’s camera aiming up at our window. I ducked with a fear that Pytka would launch a chair at us for spoiling his shot. But the glass didn’t break. We were informed that it was mirrored on the other side. We exhaled and resumed our observation of Joe the Lion with the security of a security mirror.
Pytka was completely in his environment as he spent plenty of time dribbling the ball and shooting the hoop. No P.A.s attempted to get between the director and the backboard. It was an amazingly smooth shoot without any bloodshed. This was the rarest of Pytka location stories. When Pytka’s crew wrapped, I nervously went down to help prepare the court for the still photos. Even with Pytka done for the day, I kept on the fringes and out of his direct line of vision. It was a great sense of relief when he left the Center. I knew I’d get paid for a full day on location.
Coach K was jazzed about his Olympic prospects. I didn’t want to talk about Beijing with him because my last “Olympic” job involved Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery before the 2004 Athens games. I wished luck on Marion and Tim at the end of that shoot. Both of them are now in prison on various charges. Coach K doesn’t need that kind of luck from me.
GEARS OF WHEAT
A special thanks goes out to Cliff Bleszinski (formerly known as CliffyB) and the folks at Epic Games. I was over at their headquarters for a job that involved Cliff having to walk around in my size 15 sneakers. He walked 10 yards in my shoes around the hallways covered in awards collected for Unreal Tournament and Gears of War. I’m going to be putting them on eBay shortly. There’s got to be a freak in Japan aching for such a great souvenir. Cliff let me play around with an actual size Cog Lancer. I know what I’m putting on the list to Santa.
During our lunch break, I pitched my brilliant new video game: Amish Vengeance. Real estate developers want to buy up all the farms to turn into Super Wal-Marts, Home Depots and Starbucks. It’s up to you, a simple Amish farmer to fight back against the English. Being that you’re Amish, you don’t get to use real weapons. You only have one true super power to defend yourself from those money loving heathens: Shun-Force! In order to get up to critical shun levels, you have to accumulate grace points by building barns, driving buggies and praying hard. All this is simulated physical activity is done with your wii Nunchuks.
Kids always like to brag about their marathon sessions playing videogames. They’ll be in rapture when they enter the “Harvest” mode of the game. Six straight sixteen-hour days of toiling in the fields with their wii controls! You get to enjoy the sensation of using a scythe on the digital wheat! You get to grind the grain. And imagine all the fun with hours of cyber butter churning. The game shuts down on the seventh day to observe the Sabbath. Poorly done research proves this feature appeals to mothers of Orthodox Jewish gamers. After three weeks of playing the game, you’ll be growing a beard and calling yourself Eli Lapp.
Cliff and the Epic Games people seemed impressed and interested in Amish Vengeance, but are extremely focused on getting Gears of War 2 ready for the November release date. With any luck, I’ll have a launch time interview with Cliff for the Party Favors. I’ve already promised to pick up the tab for dinner at Raleigh’s Martin Street Pizza. This is best damn pizza joint in town. The menu is haunted by the ghost of Ed LaDou. Their ultimate is a pizza with prosciutto, asparagus and egg. Mmmmmm.
THE DVD SHELF
Is there going to be an actor’s strike? What’s the point of watching the Olympics when you know that all the winners will be stripped of their medals when they pee wrong in the next decade? Do you really care about watching dogs compete with their annoying owners? It’s all about digging up DVDs for my entertainment until Mad Men starts at the end of July.
Cannon: Season One, Volume 1 takes me back to a time when a really fat detective could solve any crime imaginable. William Conrad stepped away from the microphone as the narrator on Rocky and Bullwinkle. He was a hefty private investigator that roamed the country hunting down crooks, swindlers and homicidal maniacs.. “The Salinas Jackpot” reminds us of the danger posed by rodeo clowns. Tom Skerritt (Alien) looks creepy with the makeup and a gun. “Country Blues” should be seen as the precursor to Star Wars. Mark Hamill plays a kid stuck on the family farm who has ship from space crash on his land. It’s actually an airplane with a dead country star. But doesn’t that sound like Luke Skywalker? While Jaws isn’t influenced by “No Pockets In a Shroud,” Roy Schieder attacks through the screen as a low-life protecting a Howard Hughes-esque rich guy. There’s a dozen cases on this boxset that remind us of that time when an out of shape man could run circles around the bad guys.
Jake and the Fatman: Season One, Volume One brought the husky magic of William Conrad back to the people. He didn’t have to be nearly as active as Cannon in the role J.L. McCabe, the Los Angeles District Attorney. He had Joe Penny as his leg man. Guess which one was the Fatman? “Happy Days Are Here Again” kicks the series off with Robert Reed (Mr. Brady from The Brady Bunch) as a senate candidate who is following around on his wife with a female staffer. Shocking! An overzealous speechwriter (John Rubinstein of Family) solves his man’s problem. Wonder if this is based on Pat Buchanan’s time with Nixon? “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” has Mark Goddard, Major West from Lost In Space. The chemistry between Penny and Conrad works better than I remember. Although be warned that Jake and the Fatman is a gateway series to Matlock!
Beverly Hills 90210: Season Five is the year that Brenda disappeared. She supposedly did so well in her acting classes that she stayed in London to attend RADA full-time. Really? The immediately swapped her for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from Saved By The Bell. She moves into Brenda’s bedroom after her dad commits suicide. She seems sweet, but you know she’ll have issues. Luke Perry’s drunk in Mexico with his amazing sideburns. Howie Long from Fox’s NFL team has a cameo in the first of the 31 episodes in this boxset. They even hype the upcoming CW resurrection of Beverly Hills 90210. I wonder if they’ll figure out what happened to Brenda. Is she the bad influence on Amy Winehouse?
Comedy Central’s TV Funhouse does not feature any of the shorts from Saturday Night Live. This was an 8 episodes series that aired on the cable channel in 2000. Robert Smigel and Dino Stamatopoulos attempted to expand their few minutes of nonsense into a twenty-two minute show. They made it a freakish kiddie series with Doug Dale as the human host. His Anipals were a mixture of puppets with live animals. The puppets had the same tone as Triumph, the Insult Dog. The best two episodes deal with the Anipals going to Atlantic City to party with Triumph. Robert Goulet swings with the stuffed fur. TV Funhouse makes a good double feature with Wonder Showzen.
Drillbit Taylor (Extended Survival Edition) is must see for those wanting to truly experience “The Summer of Danny McBride.” Forget Owen Wilson playing the title character. This movie is really about McBride as Don, Drillbit’s pal. Both men end up teaching kids without being stopped by the cops running the metal detectors. What does it say about our nation’s educational system when homeless men can clean up and sneak into schools as teachers? What’s child wants to get left behind if they know that Drifter Bob is in the classroom? Make sure you get this in BluRay so you can experience Danny McBride in Hi-Def action.
The Ruins reminds us why package tours are good. This time a group of Americans wandering around Mexico visit the ruins of a Mayan temple. They’re barefoot tour turns to mystical terror involving Mayan weirdness. This is the perfect kinda film for the SciFi Channel after Mansquito. The big plus is getting to watch Jena Malone being terrorized. Someday I’m going to quit confusing Jena with Tina Majorino. Although both were on Big Love.
Stop-Loss is another Iraq war theme movie that didn’t find an audience. This time it’s Ryan Phillippe who thinks he’s fulfilled his military obligations only to find he’s being sent back to the warzone under the Stop-Loss program. This is one of Ryan’s finest performances. Having known a person who was dragged back into the army years after he’d been discharged, this is a real subject.
Evening Shade: Season One brought Burt Reynolds to the sitcom world after returning to the small screen with B.L. Stryker. It’s amazing how much talent was on that soundstage with Marilu Henner, Michael Jeter (The Fisher King), Elizabeth Ashley, Ossie Davis, Charles Durning and Hal Holbrook. Burt’s character is an Ex-NFL player who returns to his quaint Southern town to coach the high school football team. It’s pretty easy work for Burt as he slides on his good ol’ boy charm.
Soul Food: The Final Season wraps up the Showtime series about the Jones family. Augie once said that this Chicago based drama was like Good Times without Jimmy Walker playing up to the studio audience. Girlfriends: The Fourth Season brings more of this quartet of ladies from the glory days of UPN. Remember that network? This season brings plenty of hot forbidden romance. I’m not spoiling the forbidden nature. Soul Food and Girlfriends remind us that there was a time before Tyler Perry.
Shine A Light finally brought the Rolling Stones and Martin Scorsese together after Marty had used “Gimme Shelter” in half of his films. This is a fun show recorded in the intimate Beacon theater. This makes it more enjoyable than the stadium shots in Let’s Spend the Night Together. Mick and Keith show their age, but still move around the stage better than Abe Vigoda. Christina Aguilera looks extra sassy while dueting “Live With Me” to Mick. Buddy Guy brings the blues when he unleashes “Champagne and Reefer.” What really would have made this film rock is if the Stones had brought back Mick Taylor to solo on “Brown Sugar” and “Midnight Rambler.” Couldn’t Marty at least CGIed Mick Taylor from the ’72 tour onto the stage? Bonus songs for the Blu-ray and DVD are “Paint It Black,” “Little T&A,” “I’m Free” and “Undercover of the Night.”
Toxic is one of those violent crime flicks that’s more thrilling for it’s amazing cast of actors. How else do you explain Dominque Swain, Master P, Danny Trejo, Tom Sizemore, Costas Mandylor, Steven Bauer and C. Thomas Howell in the same film? Toss in Bai Ling, Ron Jeremy, Brande Roderick, Shar Jackson, Tabitha Stevens and James Duvall. This is like a messed up Love Boat with the cruise ship replaced by firepower. It’s about deranged mental patients, strippers, crimelords and Ron Jeremy. What happens when they all collide? As a blurbmaster would declare: This film is Toxic! Master P working with Lolita defines fine entertainment.
LA Ink: Volume 1 lets us know what it takes to run a tattoo parlor in Tinseltown. The secret is a lot of hot women with needles. After Kat Von D was fired on Miami Ink, she returned to the West Coast with a camera crew. How come I didn’t get a reality show when my last job fired me? Kat’s got lots of high profile guests wanting tramp stamps and family portraits on their flesh. I’m not related to Corey, but he’s the only one I trust of the bunch. The sound mix on the show gets me queasy with the overwhelming needle sound. You might want to keep the remote close to adjust the volume.
There’s plenty of Blu-ray action coming you way at the end of July. Beowulf: Director’s Cut brings way more excitement to this poem than your high school English teacher’s pop quiz supplied. The animated frenzy of Grendel makes you believe that Ray Winstone is hunkier than those 300 studs.
Top Gun is a film that was made to test your home entertainment system. This was Tom Cruise before he became the sofa jumper. He’s just a cocky fighter pilot attempting to put Val Kilmer in his slipstream. In Blu-ray, the fighter planes pop on the attack. Careful with the volume or the FAA will investigate your house for an illegal landing strip.
Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan series gets the 1080p upgrade. The Hunt for Red October brought Alec Baldwin to the Ryan role. He gets pulled into a case of an incoming Soviet submarine captained by Sean Connery (Bond, James Bond). Baldwin has to figure out if America’s under attack or if Connery is defecting. Patriot Games bodyswaps Ryan so he’s now Harrison Ford. This time he’s battling those pesky Irish. Ryan stops an IRA hit on an English Royal family member. Now they are out to hit his family. Thora Birch plays Ford’s daughter. What happened to Thora after Ghost World? Clear and Present Danger brings back Ford to battle the Columbian drug cartel. The Blu-ray brings the ambush scene to the next level. You’ll duck from the explosions. The Sum of All Fears decides to make Ryan younger by bringing in Ben Affleck. Now he has to prevent a nuclear attack on a football game in Baltimore. This could also mean the destruction of Charm City Cakes! This is a quartet of films that should appease folks that want the theater experience with patriotic action.
SQUISHHHHHHH
Cool Whip now comes in an Aerosol can! What the hell took it so long to finally match the technology that’s given us the goodness of Reddi-wip? Now kids across America have a choose for their daily dosage of nitrous oxide.
FLEEING THE PLANET
George Carlin and Harvey Korman are dead. People are fleeing the earth because they know that something evil is coming down the turnpike. Every time I hear, “Rollerfucking,” I’ll think of Carlin. Anytime I want to hit Tim Conway, I’ll do it in memory of Korman.
TURN IT UP
My incompetent source at Fox News says that Rupert Murdoch is furious at a rumor that Time-Warner cable is lowering the master volume on Fox News to sway their elderly viewers to turn the channel to CNN. Rupes is already sending teams around the country to monitor the sound levels of CNN and Fox News on various cable systems.
Comments: 1 Comment
One Response to “Party Favors: Joe Versus The Joe-cano”Leave a Reply |
August 31st, 2010 at 2:06 pm
I’ve worked with PYTKA for a while now and it’s all about reactions. Don’t be a coward and he’ll respect you. As long as you don’t make any stupid mistakes you’re in the clear. When you get to a certain level, there is no room/time for ignorance. Can you really blame the guy?
P.S. Most of these “stories” you speak of are just that…