FRED Entertainment

Director: Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly
Cast: Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore, Ione Skye, Kadee Strickland
Release: April 8, 2005
Synopsis: A contemporary romantic comedy about a high school teacher who meets and falls in love with a successful businesswoman. Although their lives are vastly different, the relationship seems perfect until the baseball season begins and she has to compete with his first true love: the Boston Red Sox.

Prognosis: Not entirely negative. I had a buddy of mine, Troy, who recommended I see FEVER PITCH.

It wasn’t this one, but the one made about soccer years ago. He said it was a good movie even if you didn’t like football but since he’s an American version of an English hooligan, my trust in his instincts were blown after he tried to toss a Coca-Cola co2 canister into a bonfire, I never went out and picked it up; I mean, he was and is crazy about football. The boy left the state of Arizona on a near weekly basis just to go to California and watch a bunch of dudes kick around a ball. He was nuts and how good, really, could a soccer movie actually be?

So, you tell me, was this mild fan favorite flick in need of an American remake? Did Coupling need an American remake? Are we going to die of shock when the American version of The Office cripples and buckles under the weight of so much scrutiny from those who love the original? Can it even compare?

I don’t know the answers for most of those questions but for the first third of this trailer we get nothing but an average looking romantic comedy and I feel good knowing I’m right about this one. I do like the Rom Com as a genre, I do, and even though I thought Jimmy Fallon (along with that snobbish prat, Tina Fey) always seemed too self-congratulatory and smug whenever he laughed at his own jokes on Weekend Update I somehow started to like the look of this one.

I’m a newly born Boston Red Sox fan since last year’s season (A-Rod’s bitch slap trying to get to first in the playoffs sealed my opinion of the Yankees) and I can appreciate the idea of one person’s obsession getting in the way of a relationship. It is obsessive compulsive at its most clichéd but it still is a good spin on an old idea even if it is a ripped off one.

Also, the trailer does a good job with getting Drew all set up as the woman who doesn’t know if she’s young enough anymore to deal with someone like Jimmy, the uber superfan. Her friends, obviously, really don’t know if she’s getting involved with the right kind person and we get what are supposed to be humorous glimpses of how deep his fandom goes. I think it’s overplayed just a little bit but this is the alternate universe of the romantic comedy and, therefore, his overindulgence in Sox baseball is seen as cute and not depressingly sad like some of those people whose lives truly do revolve around the sport.

The air of this trailer is light and breezy. There’s nothing required of you other than knowing that Drew and Jimmy are at a supposed “crossroads” when I am sure the whole “it’s either them or me” speech will come out and, by the end, they’ll always be together because they’re really made for one another. Or, you’re thrown the Red Herring and they don’t end up with each other but, surprise, the false ending just sets up the real one where they come together in the end for real.

The trailer does something unique, too, in selling this movies to the ladies: it also sells itself pretty damn well to dudes. Guys can understand and relate to the compulsiveness some have with professional sports. Because Nick Hornby’s novel was about soccer it didn’t make a difference to this film, ultimately, what sport was chosen because the ethos of the novel translates really well to the zeitgeist of contemporary global fandom of any organized sporting activity.

Look, the music for this trailer sucks. The Goo Goo Dolls’ remake of “Give a Little Bit” rubs me the wrong way, the zaniness that the Farrelley’s are bringing to this film seem muted if nothing else, and I am not sure if I could really believe Barrymore and Fallon as romantic interlopers but, crap, if I had to choose between any other movie of this kind of pedigree at the local multiplex I wouldn’t hesitate to see this one for a second. I am sure, though, that others are going to refuse to see this film based on its remake status but one should never simply push away film if it was really because there was money to be made by remaking it for a different audience. It’s a crappy reason to make a film, but it’s fiscally understandable.

Director: David Duchovny
Cast: Robin Williams, Anton Yelchin, David Duchovny, Tea Leoni, Robin Williams, Erykah Badu, Frank Langella
Release: April 15, 2005
Synopsis: An American artist living a bohemian existence in Paris, Tom Warshaw (David Duchovny) is trying to make sense of his troubled adult life by reflecting upon his extraordinary childhood…The year is 1973, and thirteen-year-old Greenwich Village native Tommy Warshaw (Anton Yelchin) is on the brink of becoming a man. While his bereaved single mother (Téa Leoni) continues to mourn the death of his father, Tommy escapes his own grief by causing trouble at school and making afternoon meat deliveries with his best friend Pappas (Robin Williams), a mentally challenged janitor. Following the romantic advice offered by Lady (Erykah Badu) – incarcerated in the infamous Greenwich Village Women’s House of Detention for shadowy reasons – Tommy even experiences his first taste of love. Yet when an unexpected tragedy radically alters his world, Tommy must make a life-defining choice – one that will compel the adult Tom Warshaw, thirty years later, to confront his unfinished past.

Prognosis: Negative. “My name is Tom Warshaw. I’m an American artist”¦.”

This one was real hard to try and understand.

The difficulty I have with this trailer is not that I see David Duchovny riding his bicycle around the Eiffel Tower as he says he’s been hiding from a past that’s catching up to him; that much I can comprehend, however, it is the series of flashbacks that make me wonder, ultimately, what the hell am I supposed to understand about the plot that’s trying to be explained?

We start our travails in comprehension in New York, 1973, and we see David as a small lad in mid-adolescence. He lives with his mom, played by his real wife Tea Leoni (which I am sure there is some good debate material for someone who wants to talk about what kind of Freud issues this role raised for Duchovny), and has a mentally challenged man child for a friend which comes in the pliable skin of Robin Williams. I know it’s a small quibble but the kid’s hair, too, looks kind of fake funky. It looks like the movie version of that kind of haircut circa 1973.

After the moment Williams gets introduced I’m thinking this may again be a role where Williams isn’t really Williams, in much the way I loved his non-self in INSOMNIA, but I am unfortunately kicked in the brain sac when Williams starts his mugging and blatant comedic relief. I guess it really must be ingrained into his wiring.

Duchovny’s mother, wife, Nurse Ratchet look-alike, whatever the hell she’s supposed to be, starts to talk to her young son about the dangers of girls, and probably even mentions the venial sin of self-mutilation as well, I’m trying to piece together this narrative in a way that makes sense. But the long and short of it is that I can’t. The ensuing scenes of the young Duchovny sitting outside of a woman’s prison where I think Erykah Badu is being held for crimes that stem from severe follicle mistreatment only compound my consternation. I can’t make heads or tails out of a goddammed thing.

Here is where someone in their advertising department should really open their eyes and listen: I like Duchovny. I hated X-Files but loved the X-Files movie. I loved RETURN TO ME. Even EVOLUTION wasn’t a complete transgression against humanity and his stint in ZOOLANDER was good and laugh worthy. Point is, you’re trying to tell me why this very capable actor is running from a past but so far, and we’re already halfway through the trailer, I don’t see anything he should be running from. He has a slow-mo for a friend, a psychopath for a mother and he likes chicks. Seems like a normal childhood to me. Whatever’s coming around the bend is almost too late for me to care, even though I’m now sticking around to find out.

I get it, though. This is an “indie” kind of film, you really want to build up the “exposition” of the characters, you want to buck the standard of coming in hard and fast. I get that but give me a reason to see the film.

I finally find out that what he’s running from is an incident of either Duchovny’s younger self or Williams who steals a Schwinn out of a bicycle store window. Even though Williams is shown throwing a rock through the window we are led to believe Duchovny makes him take the fall for him. I don’t know who is lying but I think if the “past” is only limited to the first third of the film things will hopefully be better than they seem.

This looks like a really deep film for David but unless he gives me something more than confusion and frustration I think that’s where this movie will stay in my own estimation.

Director: Michael Winterbottom
Cast: Kieran O’Brien, Margot Stilley
Release: March 11, 2005 (UK)
Synopsis: In between attending rock concerts, two lovers meet for intense sexual encounters.

Prognosis: Positive. Michael Winterbottom is a director who just understands how to develop a movie about the relationship people have with music in a way that is both honest, unique and engrossing at the same time.

This film looks to do just the same thing for modern rock as he did for past pop in 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE.

I really like the opening image of the rock show that starts off this trailer; the blinding white light, the throngs of people screaming, the anticipation of what’s about to come next. It gets you stirred up but that image is quickly countered with one of two very nude people. The soft piano melody plays well with the soft porno-ish depiction of our lovers who are wrapped up in themselves and each other. It’s sweet and endearing.

We hear from the male of the relationship and, instead of taking a prototypical man who cares for only the cooch and have him play his part emotionally distant, we hear him talk lovingly about his woman. He wants her body, true, but he seems more concerned with consuming his woman with everything he has in him; the scenes that go along with this are, again, graphic but that also depends on what your definition is of graphic. If that means any explicit imagery of two adults going at it like sex starved chimpanzees who’ve just discovered their nether regions then, yes, it would qualify but, I would assert, and feel free to disagree, the images are more than graphic. They aren’t meant so much to titillate, which they most certainly do as she’s pretty nice to look at and she’s not my girlfriend knowwhati’msayin’, but these images quickly and effectively establish our two characters. We know they’re in love and how deep it goes. We’ve lost the feeling of the genuine in modern love stories and I don’t really know if the whole movie is like the dalliance I see developing between these two people in the trailer but, to me, it’s there.

They play with one another, the woman making fun of her man, and they are shown spending lots of their time in clubs watching bands that comprise a veritable who’s who of modern rock today: The Von Bondies, The Dandy Warhols, Franz Ferdinand, just names a few who I am sure will be on full display throughout this movie.

What’s odd about all of this is that they could’ve gone, the people who made this film, could have played up the music angle and exploited the hell out of it. Kids would’ve gone “hey, I know that song” and immediacy identified with the vibe of the movie if nothing else. Instead, what we get is the same melodic piano and violin music that begins this trailer which nearly makes a brotha’ weep by trailer’s end. It’s sad in a way but our cute couple seems so happy with where they are and who they’re with that you almost wait for one of them to just pass on.

Near the end of the trailer the slow music is pitched in favor of a quicker number as the screen starts fluttering with performers, our couple, some cards letting us know this was an official selection at Sundance and Toronto, among others, and just as fast as you think we’re going in two different directions with how this trailer wants to go with itself, slow or fast, it’s all done and finished.

Director: Angela Robinson
Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Matt Dillon, Jeffrey Tambor, Carolina Garcia, Michael Keaton, Justin Long, Breckin Meyer
Release: June 24, 2005
Synopsis: Start your engines! Herbie, the most beloved car star of them all, is back and Lindsay Lohan’s got him in Disney’s all new revved-up comedy adventure, HERBIE: FULLY LOADED. Lohan stars as Maggie Peyton, the new owner of Number 53 – the free-wheelin’ Volkswagen bug with a mind of its own – who puts the car through its paces on the road to becoming a NASCAR competitor. Herbie’s got some new tricks under his hood as he takes audiences for an action-packed spin in this high-speed comedy. With an all-star cast along for a wild ride, this comedy puts Herbie to the test – on-road, off-road, on the track and into the record books.

Prognosis: Negative. I never really thought the premise of HERBIE THE LOVE BUG was something that ever necessitated my viewership as a kid.

Those live action Disney movies, for the most part, were just pale imitations of their animated features. Sure, CONDORMAN was really creepy in its own costume sort of way and, thus, sparked my interest in comic books, but it wasn’t until Peter Billingsley’s stint as a young boy with a lovable, emo-laden machine in THE DIRT BIKE KID until I really understood the power of these kinds of films. Knight Rider became an obsession after these epiphanies.

So, it is in this vein that we are brought this new “update” out of the Disney vaults.

The trailer starts with a new look at the old bug. As we 360 around its body we can see what was done to bring this movie into the 2000’s. Disney really wants to create the impression that it’s hip to what the kids like nowadays. The narrative, though, tries too hard as it imbues the Love Bug with personification so we all know that this machine just isn’t some stoner classic from the 60’s but a high performance automobile that, as you can see quickly on it’s speedometer, can go up to speeds of over 160 mph. Huh? Did Xzibit and his peeps from Pimp My Ride get a hold of it? Yes they did and we’re just expected to play along nicely.

Fine, it got a makeover.

So, what’s the plot? Well, in linear fashion we understand that Michael Keaton is the patriarch race man of a family who is all wrapped up in racing. Breckin Meyer plays an inept brother who, as wacky as he is, just isn’t right in the head. The kooky sound effects that go off when he walks into a wall after saying he’s fine, coming on the heels of a collision, just show how unreal we’re going to get with the film. And in unreal I mean how detached from reality this film’s gonna be and it seems to be playing for that real young demographic, the coveted 5-11 year-olds.

Now, I don’t normally take contention with the soundtrack music, ok I do, but when Lohan, and what a great ambassador for kids everywhere she is, Disney must be very proud, sits in Herbie the first time and turns the key, Jane’s Addiction starts playing. Damn. Another one of my favorite songs whored out to the highest bidder.

Well, it’s Lindsay at the wheel instead of the ineffable Dean Jones and from here we get to see just how “zany” things are going to get. At one point the trailer shows Herbie in the middle of a demolition derby, resplendent with a handlebar mustached crazy guy who swears he’s going to crush that bug. Of course, kids, Herbie’s going to be alright and, in fact, while tempting fate with reality, why not put him on a real racing track with NASCARs? And for those of you cynical folks out there who are thinking that he Mouse House is just making this film just for the easy money, Matt Dillion makes an appearance as the nemesis who, I can almost make sure, will try to do harm to our love bug; the black outfit really symbolizes, in a subliminal way because no one could possibly catch on, his character’s motives. I even say look at Dillon’s eyes and tell me that is not a classically trained actor who projects so much evil. It’s downright chilling.

Um yeah, also, when Herbie starts to get the idea of humping the back end of a yellow VW bug, to the sounds of Crazy Town’s “Butterfly,” a song very popular here, locally, in Phoenix to promote a totally nude cabaret, who exactly is this scene trying to appeal to? Autophiliacs? If anyone can convey what something like this is doing in a production that is part sex, part kids yet all the way terrible, let me know.

The rest of the trailer is just more of the same old thing when you’re dealing with a story about a down on their luck family who really needs something special to happen to them. I’m sure the Disney Channel will be campaigning hard to get the young’uns to see this direct-to-video fare but I’ll bet dollars to donuts there will be no mention whatsoever about Herbie wanting to tap that yellow VW ass in its promos on the cable network in-between a new episode of Rolie Polie Olie and Kim Possible.

Director: Richard Linklater
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear, Marcia Gay Harden
Release: June 10, 2005
Synopsis: A fresh take on the irreverent 1976 comedy hit, “The Bad News Bears” follows a grizzled former minor league baseball player who is recruited to coach a woefully inept Little League team to a championship against their hated rivals, the Yankees.

Prognosis: Positive. I think Lupus really freaked me out as a kid.

That little punk really did need a good ass kicking but having one of his teammates try to get involved to defend him, only to get stuffed into a garbage can, predating that John Cusak in a dumpster in BETTER OFF DEAD by a good number of years, was just slightly queer when he had condiments dripped all over him. The sympathetic sensation I had of what it must have felt like to be covered in that goo, and to have it done while wearing a polyester blend uniform just skeeved me out. Tatum O’Neil, though, was definitely part of the hook that made that movie so easy to watch; that, and Engelberg with his candy fascination and bad attitude. That Engelberg sure made me laugh as a kid.

The original BAD NEWS BEARS was a good film because it really screwed with convention about how sports films were supposed to go. Having Walter Matthau as the team’s drunkenly alcoholic manager just adds to the great originality of the movie.

This trailer, for this big studio incarnation, starts things off just right.

With the slow din of trumpets playing in the background, the screen completely black, the words “If you were raised to believe in sportsmanship”¦” slowly make their way in front of you. I appreciate what’s coming next only because everyone should know by now how facetious this statement is when you get the clue this is the Bad News Bears.

And then we see him: Billy Bob Thorton.

He talks about baseball, the love of the game, how it doesn’t always love you back, and as he’s talking to his young baseball wards, he ties everything together by using an analogy of dating a German chick. The kids on the screen really don’t get it but I had great faith in where this film was going after that.

Fielding practice is first on the list. Billy knocks a ground ball, cigarette between his lips, towards a line of young boys who are gathered around second and third base. You see a kid in a wheelchair just sit there as the ball ricochets off his wheel with a ding.

“Good hustle,” Billy says. Comedy gold, my good man, I say.

Greg Kinnear looks great as the antagonizing coach, his team getting into fisticuffs with the Bears, and Billy Bob is right there to not only admonish them for fighting but for fighting disgracefully like “Helen Keller at a piñata party.”

Hooters, Hooters the restaurant, the skuzzy vibe that Billy Bob needs to have in order to pull this off, and some raucous behavior from all involved is in full boar. His delivery is almost too easy but this really does look like a film catered to Billy’s sensibilities.

This actually is a welcomed remake from what I can see and I hope Richard Linklater can do it in a way Walter would’ve approved of.

Director: Jaume Serra
Cast:Elisha Cuthbert, Jared Padalecki, Jon Abrahams, Damon Herriman, Paris Hilton, Emma Lung, Chad Michael Murray, Robert Ri’chard, Brian Van Holt
Release: April 29, 2005
Synopsis: A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover that the brothers have expanded upon the area’s main attraction ““ the House of Wax ““ and created an entire town filled with the wax-coated corpses of unlucky visitors. Now the group must find a way out before they too become permanent exhibits in the House of Wax. Produced by Joel Silver.

Prognosis: Weirdly Positive. Look, I’m no media critic, well maybe I am a little bit, but I do know I share the sentiment with many discriminating movie goers that any movie that has Paris “Queen of All Staged Reality”¦and Porn” Hilton just can’t be a good thing; and while we’re at it, and kind of off the subject, she’s a very distant lover although she does get fierce with the kielbasa when taunted like a starving puppy.

What I really mean is that the trailer starts off with a video camera recording the late night antics of a bunch of “young adults” on a late night session of camping, drinking, doping, and fornicating in the woods. Hilton is shown being recorded on tape, making out with a guy, and I actually start to think this may not be too bad. It’s topical, certainly plausible considering the history she has, and I believe it.

Even when a strange vehicle pulls up, a burly monster truck that blasts its mega wattage KC’s into the eyes of these expendable young adults, there is a moment of tension and I am actually digging the suspense factor that’s being created. One of the guys, who looks an awful lot like David Beckham’s younger brother, tosses a bottle at the car. Without saying a word or uttering a sound after it hits and shatters one of the lights, the truck leaves.

They decide to leave the area, taking some good hints about what happens when you toss glass at backwoods hillbillies who leave without saying a word, but end up stopping in a small town that, the trailer says, doesn’t even exist on a map.

Ok, life survival tip #70403: If some guy visits your campsite and then drives off after you’ve pelted his car with a beer bottle without so much as a “hey, what chew kids d’un out “˜tere without some sup’r vision” get yourself the hell home and do not look back. But hey, this is the movies, and we need our victims to be as ignorant and stupid as possible it’s a good thing that they all walk around this deserted town that’s not on any map.

Yeah, so this trailer goes on with these kids just jauntily moving about this deserted town and then they find themselves walking up to a literal house of wax. At one point Hilton’s scripted voice of concern should have been the red flag to all those present that for once she may have something other than “that’s hot” in the most disaffected way possible but it only eggs everyone else to go on in.

At this point I don’t have anything emotionally invested in any of these people. I hope they all die. I start hoping and praying this is a horror movie where the bad guy actually manages to kill each and every one of them. Slowly.

Sho’ “˜nuff, it seems like it is one of those kinds of films.

I have to give it up, though, for the people who made the wax figures look greasy and creeping looking. The effects work is really effective in evoking a sense of ominous danger and that little hint of absolute dread in what’s coming next.

Now, even though the “town” really only looks like a set that was built on a studio lot to look like a town, the use of all the businesses for places to hide from the “killers” in this movie makes this cat and mouse game a little more entertaining if nothing else.

Also, and I again have to give praise to the trailer makers, the last few moments of this trailer that start showing just unrelated clips of people running, of Hilton screaming, of guys who are trying to the hero but you know who will end up dead, the shot of Hilton’s boobs, of chicks trying to fake like they’re wax statues themselves to evade detection from the marauders, and the music that all brings it together, I have to say I am actually impressed that this clunker is able to make itself really appear something other than the cheap screamfest it is. I’m actually interested in seeing if it has anything to offer other than being a vehicle for Paris to show her flat nugs to the world once again.

Director:Richard Linklater
Cast: Robert Downey Jr., Woody Harrelson, Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, , Heather Kafka, Dameon Clarke, Rory Cochrane, Jack Cruz
Release: September 16, 2005
Synopsis: Set in a future world where America has lost the war on drugs, undercover cop Fred (Keanu Reeves) is one of many agents hooked on the popular drug Substance D, which causes its users to develop split personalities. Fred, for instance, is also Bob, a notorious drug dealer. Along with his superior officers, Fred sets up an elaborate scheme to catch Bob and tear down his operation.

Prognosis: Positive. “It may just be my imagination”¦”

Hey everybody, it’s Neo from THE MATRIX and he’s gone anime!

Alright, so it’s not as kinetic as anime but Keanu’s visage gone digitally watercolor is actually aesthetically affective. I’m warmed by the way the colors look on the screen. Now, it does appear like Linklater’s doing WAKING LIFE part 2, but, still, it’s a welcome change from what’s out there.

It has a kind of fluidity it but there seems to be some movement towards some action that actually pulls in my attention; it’s like A-Ha all over again, but more on that later.

Keanu goes on to explain that something is watching him and that whatever it is it isn’t human. As he has this conversation with an unnamed person someone else, from afar, looks down on him at a console that seems ripped from the set of Sealab 2021. But since this is a Phillip K. Dick movie-i-zation the sexed up looking lady (no, I never thought that any computer generated woman was ever hittable and I just feel sorry for the guys who do) who is trying to figure out Keanu just may be a cyborg. Who knows.

What I do know, though, is that the other scenes that follow are interesting if nothing else and they seem completely unrelated to each other. At one point some guy is wearing some kind of padded helmet that’s connected to a series of wires as a part of some experiment, some near nude woman is writhing on a bed which seems to be the result of a freaky dream or because she’s having services rendered off-screen (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

“Everything you do will be recorded”

So, from what I can tell of the plot Keanu is somehow being told by a scientist that the left hemisphere of his brain was damaged and that his right was compensating. What this means to the overall story I don’t know but it’s giving me a headache trying to piece it all together and I really shouldn’t have to be playing the part of the detective trying to Kojak the plot into a cohesive whole.

Near the end of the trailer we get introduced to the other players in this thing: Woody Harrelson, Robert Downey Jr., and Wynona Ryder, who all speak in a parlance that is part odd, and part confusing.

I know I can read what this movie’s about by reading the synopsis but if I were just trying to find out what it meant by watching the trailer I wouldn’t know what the hell is going on by the end of this thing and would put this on the long list of movies I may or may not look into later.

A lot of money can either be made or lost when you either obfuscate the message or make it understandable to those you’re trying to reach. I mean, look at A-Ha’s “Take on Me” video. That told an awesomely moving story about a man trapped in a real large, very crappy, comic book. It was all said and done in a couple of minutes. I’m not saying A-Ha’s foray into comic/live action animation is any better but that girl in the video was way hot and I nearly shed a tear when that guy threw himself into the wall time and time again. Makes me misty just thinking about it.

Director: John Stockwell
Cast: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin, James Frain
Release: July 15, 2005
Synopsis: INTO THE BLUE is a high stakes thriller set in the deep, shark-infested waters of the Bahamas. When young divers discover the wreckage of a cargo plane at the bottom of the sea, they believe their dream of buried treasure has come true. What they don’t realize is that millions of dollars of illegal goods are in that sunken plane and a group of dangerous criminals are already desperately searching for it. As tensions mount and the friends begin to fight about what to do with their find, others get closer to discovering their secret ““ and the treasure hunters quickly become the hunted.

Prognosis: Negative. I’m slightly torn in two very distinct directions.

I was a fan of both THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS and its sequel with Paul Walker. On the flipside I could have cared less about Dark Angel when it was on the television. I mean Jessica Alba’s cute but primetime sci-fi just isn’t my thing. So, as this trailer begins I am wonder about how many teens will want to see this one as they will be the ones who will represent the largest demographic opening weekend and I realize that many probably will go to see the movie based on the fact these two are playing “lov-ahs.”

So, Paul is searching for buried shipwrecks with a metal detector that seems oddly nerdish but, ok, I can believe the premise. Then you have Jessica who seems to be all hot for her man and appreciates his way of life. Now, I’ve seen the Discovery channel and what some of these treasure guys actually look like; their salty hair, weathered expressions and crusty outlooks on life aren’t really the basis for films but I don’t know anything, right? In this universe treasure hunters are buff as I am sure comic book collectors have the pick of the litter; that’s right, Jason Lee was one in MALLRATS. See how movie life is so much better than reality?

However, the locales are perfect. Everyone looks great and I almost feel like it’s an ad for a Bahamas getaway with those you love for a low low price of $2149, based on double occupancy. Everyone appears tanned and so delighted to be alive on this island paradise. It is when Paul and his bud, Scott Caan, find a shipwreck that has lots of treasure that the mystery of it all begins. And yeah, one of the items, a mini gold sword, which I assume is a part of their great cache score, is taken into a hot tub party with Alba, Walker, Caan and his ol’ lady. I’m sure that’s real prudent and won’t harm a thing.

So, other people start getting involved with the ransacking. Josh Brolin, (holy kids of more old Hollywood, Batman!) is someone that tries his best to come off as the scurrilous scallywag out to steal Walker’s booty. Or he may be straight and be going after Alba’s but that’s neither here nor there, but wholly pertinent to the plot.

The rest of the trailer falls into a nu-rock video sort of montage of shirtless dudes, guns, scuba diving, more shirtless dudes, fighting, kicking, and there isn’t one bikinied nod as to why I should see this film as a dude who’s not into shirtless dudes. At one point a card comes up and it says that the treasure is worth 100 million dollars and I am curious to know how they know that when no one has brought anything to the surface other than a small sword that Paul’s already using in the hot tub.

I can see the potential in this film but it really seems like a limp entry into the action fray that will simply get lost after its first week. The kids will love Alba and Walker, and there seems to be some standard action sequences that will get the crowd in there for the initial weekend but will word of mouth, dare I say it, sink this average looking flick? And, to say this without being cute, the movie doesn’t look to either forward the genre or execute the tale in a new or exciting way.

Director: Malcolm D. Lee
Cast: Nick Cannon, Bow Wow, Mike Epps, Rick Gonzalez, Meagan Good, Brandon Jackson, Chi McBride, Kellita Smith, Jurnee Smollett, Khleo Thomas, Tai’ isha Davis
Release: July 1, 2005
Synopsis: In the late “˜70s when roller skating was a way of life, X (Bow Wow) and his pals ruled supreme. But when the doors of their local skating rink close, it marks the end of an era and the beginning of another that sees the boys venture into foreign territory – uptown’s Sweetwater Roller Rink, complete with its over-the-top skaters and beautiful girls. Through his preparation for the showdown of the season – the Roller Jam skate off with the Sweetwater crew – X manages to find himself and also help his dad (Chi McBride) get back on track.

Prognosis: Positive. I had no clue what the hell this movie was about but the opening ditty of his trailer had me groovin’ right along with the action. I was lost in admiring some big ass old-school headphones with the FM tuner built right into them, the antennae jutting out from this kid’s headphones. Our young man’s colored striped socks are pulled up to the knees and his be-bopping down the block on a pair of 4-wheeled roller skates make we wonder if people really dressed like that back in the day. This is your average block. There are nice houses with lush yards, thick trees on the side of the road, and the weather couldn’t be greater.

The kid just seems gliding on water as he’s shucking and jiving down the avenue, tossing newspapers left and right on his paper route, and I think back to my own days of roller skating. I can’t believe he’s able to stay upright in the middle of a city street because whenever my wheel would come in contact with a pebble I would inexorably launch forward. Every time. Anyhoo, our unnamed kid does his thang, the cards in-between shots mixing in very well with what’s going on during the set-up, and I get to the point in the trailer when I see this is all about competitive roller dancing. I think.

But I’m cool with that. In fact, I’m kind of really interested. I sucked at roller skating, even indoors, but I like what’s going on. Nick Cannon, in a movie now about bringin’ it to the rink instead of bringin’ it to a drumline, who looks pretty good in his satiny butterfly collared shirt, dashing smile, and big beautiful “˜fro.

We get just a hint about what this movie’s going to be about and that’s executed perfectly here with only the smallest pieces of information being doled out like precious stones that need to be .

The cards don’t overpower the action on the screen and vise-versa. The song that plays in the end as everyone gets introduced “It’s Gonna Be A Lovely Day,” a great soul standard that I even liked when a new version of it was added to the BODYGUARD soundtrack (I swear to god I don’t know what I was thinking when I got it; I was heavily medicated.)

With the addition of Charlie Murphy and Mike Epps into this vehicle I hope there’s enough to carry this story along with punctuations of humor and some genuinely good storytelling. From what I can see there’ll be a good soundtrack and a real dedication to the period in which this movie takes place.

Director: Paul Haggis
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Ludacris, Thandie Newton, Ryan Phillippe, Larenz Tate, Nona Gaye
Release: May 13, 2005
Synopsis: A provocative, unflinching look at the complexities of racial conflict in America, CRASH is that rare cinematic event – a film that challenges audiences to question their own prejudices. Diving headlong into the diverse melting pot of post-9/11 Los Angeles, this compelling urban drama tracks the volatile intersections of a multi-ethnic cast, examining fear and bigotry from multiple perspectives as characters careen in and out of one another’s lives. No one is safe in the battle zones of racial strife. And no one is immune to the simmering rage that sparks violence – and changes lives.

Prognosis: Positive. Don Cheadle’s opening monologue about how the streets of L.A. are superficially cold, emotionally, and how we’re all cut off from one another is fairly engrossing as we get right into the premise of this film. The music that languidly wraps itself around his words, emotionally perfect, really makes me sit and listen to both intently.

The quick shots of Dillon, Frasier, Daniel Dae Kim from Lost (that was one bitchin’ episode where he beats that one dude senseless in the koi pond.), Bullock (who actually seems like she’s acting and doing a splendid job at it), and even Phillipe get me involved into these lives very quickly. Things are rolling really fast.

Some great editing slowly walks you through the idea that this is a movie with multiple storylines that, perhaps, will converge in a way that feel more satisfying than it did in MAGNOLIA. I happen to be someone who likes the multi-dimensional approach to storytelling in movies; be it PULP FICTION, FOUR ROOMS, SHORT CUTS, or even the very ignored TWENTY BUCKS, there is a certain fascination I have for how you can make someone believe that there are so many tangential possibilities inherent in everyday life but yet there are connecting threads that sometimes make you think if it’s possible. This trailer does a good job with relaying that this is the way the movie will go. Now, whether it’s executed in a manner that will impress or repel me is a subject for a different column but here you see the possibilities.

Even Cheadle’s explanation of the movie’s title, how it’s representative of a person’s need to touch, something he says we’ve all lost the ability to do, is a nice dovetail to the trailer’s ending.

You really couldn’t do any more to make me want to see this film. There are so many things that this trailer does right it makes a real good case as to why someone would want to keep this movie in mind whenever it does open wide. It should help that the guy who wrote and directed this one, Paul Haggis, was also the scribe behind MILLION DOLLAR BABY. For some, that may be a good or bad thing but I would think having a movie nominated, and winning, an Academy Award is a nice thing to have on one’s filmic résumé.

Director: Darren Grant
Cast:Kimberly Elise, Steve Harris, Shemar Moore, Tamara Taylor, Lisa Marcos
Release: February 25th, 2005
Synopsis: The husband, Charles, is a powerful attorney while Helen has been a devoted housewife. They seem to have everything, money, a beautiful mansion — the American Dream. But just as Helen prepares to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary, her picture-perfect life is about to takes an unexpected twist: Charles wants to divorce her for her best friend.

Prognosis: Kinda Positive. Hmm”¦this is an interesting way to begin things. What we have here, initially, is a love story of a man and woman who have been married for many years.

He’s successful, they’re living well, and when, after a gala event, the wife wants to give her man a little present the husband comes walking into the family room with another woman at his side. Now, at first glance I think, alright, cool, they’re all gonna get freaky with one another. However, as luck or damnation would have it the husband really is just telling his wife that he’s leaving her for this hoochie mama lookin’ piece of street trash.

So, after the chub subsides, I see that this once affluent woman has to go back to her life as it was before she had anything. I’m cool with how things are going but when she ding-dongs on the doorbell of someone she used to know from the old neighborhood, I’m thinking maybe a mother, an aunt, a friend, out comes this cross-dresser of a man if ever there was one who ends up answering the door. Now, I know there must be some reason why a dude in drag is playing the part of an older woman but it initially, and subsequently, freaks me out. However, I just roll on and let this thing play out.

Our rich girl turned poor starts to mingle with the dregs of society she only recently just started to get into a pattern of eschewing and learns that she’s an angry woman. She’s angry for the way she’s been treated in life, although some would have little sympathy for once having it all and then losing it, but decides to keep a journal of her experiences to chronicle her thoughts.

She’s one woman against a world that she has to rebuild on her own.

What I learn is that she takes a chance on a guy who she never before would have thought to do otherwise but it feels kind of formulaic. The subsequent moments she has with her mother who tells her, essentially, she needs to be her own woman is, I think, something that can draw the feminine crowd to the theater but, sadly, marginalizes the other 50% of the audience who have no real impetus to see the movie.

I like romantic comedies. I like dramas. When they’re sort of slap dashed together in this kind of mix, though, I’m not so sure that I would want to go.

The trailer sets it up as a womanly empowerment kind of film but I just can’t see any motivational reasons why a guy like me would want to get the kind of feeling to see the movie. It’s not a knock against the film itself but if the message of this movie is really one for females and how they need to be strong and independent I think I’d rather see something blow up or explode in flames for no apparent reason than take a chance on this.

That said, though, I can almost see the genuineness in the message of the film. It may be nothing more than STELLA GETTING HER GROOVE ON but movies where someone needs to lose everything in order to gain a better understanding of who they are as people are good ones to have in a pool of pictures that could care less about how people evolve as humans.

That woman, though, who our protagonist is living with? Creeps me out in ways I can only begin to describe as scary, frightening, strange and many other words that call to mind an overall sense of uneasiness.

Director: Huck Botko, Robert Capelli Jr.
Cast: Andrew Gurland, Eugenia Yuan, Adrian Martinez, Deborah Teng
Release: March 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A documentarian funds a NYC doorman’s Asian mail order bride in exchange for the right to film the experience. But when Lichi arrives in America, she finds herself married to a recluse with a penchant for sadistic sexual role-playing. Objectivity flies out the window when she and the filmmaker become involved. Twists and turns are plentiful in this tragi-comic love triangle where all is not what it seems.

Prognosis: Positive. Now here’s an independent movie with a premise better than just the examination of the human condition: a movie about mail order brides.

A guy off-screen says he’s tried everything: bars, setups and hook-ups. We get a look at the schlub and see why he really hasn’t had any “luck”: he’s a bit of a slob. A guy in a cab, who could make a living at being John Tuturo’s little brother, who tries to say something nice, says he’s worked with scummier people than him. I think that’s a compliment.

This mocumentary is all about how this one Jabba looking behemoth, and who has the persistent facial expression of someone who just woke up, goes through the process of getting a wife. It’s a premise that’s not too unoriginal, although an ugly guy getting a wife using a catalog is an old plot device that’s as old as that one Night Court episode (that crazy Bull”¦), but this trailer moves fast and has moments of real hilarity.

Also, one of the things that works extremely well here is the use of the animated cards in-between the clips. The cards breakdown everything “Wanted” in a perfect wife if it could be ordered up in a misogynist culture like ours. The guy’s wife, Lichi, is very attractive and shows to be quite everything that he ordered. The interview style of the movie shows Lichi as a happy and content wife as she picks up after this guy, learns how to stir his favorite concoction on the stove, is told how to feed her husband’s snake and who then hooks up with the guy’s friend who we saw in the beginning.

The best friend, although I guess that could be debated, macks on the dude’s wife and then takes her for himself after he convinces her that she doesn’t want that pile of chubby goo. Although he thinks he has done a service to the lady, because being a servant isn’t any way to be married, the per diem her new husband bestows on her she blows on all things pig. This is where the fun begins.

The chick gets crazy.

She starts screaming and unleashes her true self. The result turns this whole premise on its ear and I think that’s what gives this thing a new twist. For a film to be a made like this, for it to be an independent picture at that, takes a lot of mettle. The genre of the independent film is littered with the most self-serving crap at times and it’s nice to see someone go outside of the mold to offer something new, something funny.

Now, whether this film has anything to offer beyond the setup, ultimately, is yet to be seen but the trailer is enough for me, and convinces me, that this looks like an interesting way to spend an hour and a half.

Director: Garth Jennings
Cast: Martin Freeman, Mos Def, Sam Rockwell, Zooey Deschanel, Bill Nighy, Warwick Davis, Stephen Fry
Release: April 29, 2005
Synopsis: Mere seconds before the Earth is to be demolished by an alien construction crew, journeyman Arthur Dent is swept off the planet by his friend Ford Prefect, a researcher penning a new edition of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”

Prognosis: Positive. Martin Freemen, right after Ricky Gervais, really made The Office for me.

The guy has this Everyman look to him, to say nothing of the comedic talent he possesses, and his style is simply enthralling to watch as he worked every scene in that all too short-lived series; he’s absolutely wonderful in the episode when the trainer comes for a visit to Wernham Hogg. Here, though, in this trailer, we get a glimpse into why nerds everywhere are clutching their Douglas Adams books and pinning their hopes on this small little adaptation.

I’ve never read the series. I had a friend who loved it, and I think you know you’re a part of this grand legion known as Nerddom if you can say that you have at least one degree of separation from someone who has, but I couldn’t be bothered with it. I still would never read it even by chance. Doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Give me Crane, give me Dubus, give me the back of a cereal box of Wheaties, but I simply can not stomach science fiction; not because it’s beneath me, mind you, but because I sucked at all things science. I just couldn’t comprehend that world. But that’s ok. This trailer really gets me going.

We get Freemen as he rousts himself out of bed. After he stirs himself awake and bangs his head on a low ceiling as he walks down his stairs the idea is already in motion that something is going to go terribly wrong in this man’s life today.

I am completely appreciative of this trailer for cutting through so many years of haze for me as to why this book was so popular with the guys who I knew. And it does it quickly.

We immediately get the point that Freeman’s friend turns out to really be an alien, played by the more that adept Mos Def, and that Earth is about to get demolished so that a “hyperspace express route” can be constructed. I laughed. I found that premise amusing.

The big, boxy spaceship that hovers over Freeman’s head, who is really unaware of what’s happening, fits in perfectly with me because I, as an outsider, am still unsure of what this all means; there’s some verisimilitude in what’s going on in context with the film and how we are all experiencing it. When Mos puts up his thumb to hitch a ride, and the camera pulls back to see the armada of those long, rectangular ships, I believe in this film’s ability to draw me into the theater, into this world.

After this we get Voiceover Guy to tell us all those little superlatives to get us all pumped to see the flick but I am seriously unaffected by anything he has to say because I am enthralled by the visual effects. Some, like those from inside the ship, seem a little cheesy, but the exteriors with the battles and that one dude who looks like a cross between Elton John in the 70’s and Kenneth Branagh’s character in WILD, WILD WEST are really stunning.

Overall, you get a nice package here. It starts from the beginning and sets up an honest depiction of what someone can expect going into this movie. I am sure there’ll be enough Adams loyalists who will push this movie to some big box office numbers for the very first weekend, if nothing else. I hope I don’t feel excluded from the experience that has, for so long, lingered on the perimeter of my perception of the friends around me.

Director: Rob Cohen
Cast: Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx
Release: July 29, 2005
Synopsis: In the near future, the Navy develops a fighter jet piloted by an artificial intelligence computer. The jet is placed on an aircraft carrier in the Pacific to learn combat manuevers from the human pilots aboard. But when the computer develops a mind of its own, it’s the humans who are charged with stopping it before it incites a war.

Prognosis: A guy who won an Academy Award is starring in this???. “You are pilots of the US Navy. I expect nothing less than perfection.”

Yeah, if that’s the case then why does this movie look like a bad mix between FIREFOX and the more ostentatious moments of obnoxiousness in TOP GUN?

At first I believe I’m looking at the sequel to that one movie with the Eastwood classic but then I realize this doesn’t look as good.

I mean, I like explosions, I like fast moving aircraft but there is something in the way that they sell Jessica Biel’s bikinied body in the first 15 seconds of this trailer that have me wondering what it is, exactly, this is all about. I don’t mind that they’re hawking it this way, it probably compensates for the lack of believability I have in Ray Charles and “that chick from 7th Heaven” being these ultra-cool Navy fighter pilots. You know how sometimes you think it’s just actors just pretending and you, in good conscience, can’t even give yourself over to the suspension of disbelief?

This is one of those times.

Oh boy, and let’s talk about the hardware these guys are flying. It looks really sweet in design which looks like a mutated SR-71 but it just has the overall appearance of something that I played G.I. Joe with back in the day. I do know, though, that Jessica handles it with as much grace as she probably does her Porsche on the Los Angeles 405 freeway but the importance here, obviously, is suspension of disbelief.

“They have no equal”

At one point in this trailer, and I have to give the music department credit on this one, the techno beat sounds just like one that played under one of the first trailers for the X-MEN movie, Foxx cracks wise about the number 4 and its inherent unluckiness. I like Foxx. He’s actually a funny guy and I am reminded of his In Living Color days. But then, as they’re flying in their fake aircraft, their 4th wingman appears.

The plane is completely automated and, it too, is completely fake.

Foxx, looking like a 21st century extra on Battlestar Galactica with that helmet of his, makes another joke about something or another but this is where the tension starts building for this flick. Obviously, something is going to go terribly wrong with this AI-driven piece of machinery and I am not disappointed when, after a lighting strike hits the plane, “rewires” its thinking.

Now, this is a small tangent but it seems awfully convenient, the use of lightning. It always has a curative effect of doing something that couldn’t be done before. Like in BACK TO THE FUTURE, a lighting bolt was needed to send a car back to 1985; in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES, a lightning strike wakes him up; and, in this one, a lighting strike “turns on” a computers mind and lets it start thinking for itself. Some say it’s creative but I think it’s just plain lazy writing but that’s just me.

Even though Rob Cohn, who is a very serviceable action movie director, is helming this one from behind the lens and I think it’s important to at least see that some of the effects, while neat, will not be able to save this one from getting clipped at the box office knees if people can’t believe the preposterous reasons why these people are up in the air fighting this plane with a brain.

Director: Todd Solondz
Cast: Richard Masur, Debra Monk, Ellen Barkin, Chris Penn, Christopher Penn
Release: April 13, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Thirteen-year-old Aviva Victor wants to be a mom. She does all she can to make this happen and comes very close to succeeding, but in the end, her plan is thwarted by her sensible parents (Ellen Barkin and Richard Masur). So she runs away, still determined to get pregnant one way or another, but instead finds herself lost in another world, a less sensible one, perhaps, but one pregnant itself with all sorts of strange possibilities. Like so many trips, this one is round-trip, and it’s hard to say in the end if she can ever quite be the same again, or if she can ever be anything BUT the same again.

Prognosis: Positive. A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

I learned that palindrome from Sarah Zabrenski in high school. I really was a dope back then, I didn’t know any better, but the thought of a phrase that could mean the same going forward as it did going backward always stayed with me. Compound this feeling with how a Todd Solondz film lingers with you like a wafting perfume stench that doesn’t ever go away and this is an interesting way to start what, I am sure, people will raise a few eyebrows at: A 13 year-old wants a kid and will do anything to get one.

Never the one to shy away from stories that no doubt make studio heads ask the question “Are you sure you don’t have anything else you’d like to sink a lot of money into?” Todd starts this trailer right away with the premise as our protagonist echoes her need to love something forever as Ellen Barkin looks on.

The music that plays behind the action on the screen is melodically haunting (give it up for the largely ignored but fabulously talented, and my vote for one of the best ladies in music today, Nina Persson of The Cardigans”¦woot woot!…) as the disconnected universe that Solondz’s characters move around in swirls around everyone. We get Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Smykowski from OFFICE SPACE, and a cast of other dysfunctionals who will, no doubt, be wrestling with issues that many people would otherwise not even entertain as a thought.

The words child whore, slut and other epithets get uttered quite clearly as we try to piece together the plot of what is happening before us. I can see that the environment all of these people live in isn’t what you would call progressive but I can understand quite quickly how it is being used in order to tell this story.

Ellen Barkin is playing the part of a woman who seems slightly maladjusted when justifying why her only child is exactly that and it makes me wonder why she’s been gone for so long from the screen. The backgrounds and foregrounds really give this world a weight that you can almost touch.

What’s more is that I appreciate the names it drops in terms of telling what festivals this film has played at, and it’s really all the big ones, Telluride, Venice, Toronto, et al., and even plugs in some of the positive press this film has received. This is good for a number of reasons but the biggest one that I can think of is that it shows, while the subject matter is a little tough to wrap your heads around, the payoff was good enough for at least a few people in the know to make mention of in good reviews.

Yeah, I don’t think this will hit America big but what I can say is that one who can appreciate the kind of work Solondz does in movies today will appreciate this effort as well. He gets knocked around, sometimes unfairly, but he definitely has his own vision of life and how he translates that to the screen and I am every bit impressed with every interpretation so far.