FRED Entertainment

Director: Liam Lynch
Cast: La’vin Kiyano, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Posehn, Laura Silverman, Sarah Silverman, Brody Stevens
Release: November 11, 2005
Synopsis: Narrative digressions on sex, race, politics, and more from comedienne Sarah Silverman.

Prognosis: Nothing but love… I loathe it, I personally dislike it in ways that are severe, when people use the word edgy. The word has lost its cache and meaningfulness yet people who possess a modicum of talent seem to think it connotes a real deep insight into a piece of work. It doesn’t because usually anything called “edgy” isn’t. This trailer is edgy.

I’m going to go ahead and say that if you are anywhere near someone who gets offended easily, moderately or even difficultly do not play this trailer within ear shot. This is perhaps one of the truest and bravest pieces of marketing I have ever seen. The fact that to put together this reel took balls and that the balls of the person who did it doesn’t have balls I think says a lot.

That said, there is no way in hell you’ll be seeing this in front of any movie in the theater or in commercials between Scrubs and ER on NBC should you find yourself at home watching Must See TV one Thursday night.

“I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend’s penis and all of a sudden I’m thinking “˜Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother,’ you know?”

I remember seeing snippets of Sarah Silverman perform the song which plays throughout this trailer a while ago. The fact that it is the base for this trailer is wonderful as there isn’t any outside influences diluting what the finished product of this movie is all about. It’s all about Sarah and it shows.

“I love you even if it’s not hip”¦I love you more than black people don’t tip”¦”

30 seconds are spent showcasing the variety of things going on inside the contents of this movie. What’s apparent is that Sarah isn’t going for the straight I’m-here-performing-and-this-is-all-about-my-comedy-act. She steps outside of the norms of what’s expected in a full-length feature and there is a nice blend of actual stage performance and sketch comedy.

When we break away from the musical montage there is a nice extended moment when Sarah explains that she wrote a show to a couple of friends of hers. It’s one that deals with the Holocaust and AIDS but, as Sarah hastens to add, it’s funny. The moment is quickly captured and as we roll on even further into the depths of what will, most likely, draw ire from those who feel her type of humor is crass, debased and devoid of anything coming close to comedy, depending on shock value for her share of giggles and guffaws, I can only say that my interest level only rises.

Sure, there could have been other ways one could have shaped this trailer to make it more consumer friendly but in an age when ribald humor is finally getting its due, thanks in part to the wonderful press THE ARISTOCRATS received as of late, I can’t say enough about a trailer that finishes with such aplomb.

There is not much you can put into words about what’s funny about this little piece of promotional material but even though what’s funny to one and what’s funny to another is debatable there is no way in hell anyone could go away from this without feeling something.

Director: Heidi Ewing, Rachel Grady
Cast: NA
Release: November 30, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: On September 12, 2002 twenty “at risk” 12-year-old boys from the tough streets of inner-city Baltimore left home to attend the 7th and 8th grade at Baraka, an experimental boarding school located in Kenya, East Africa. Here, faced with a strict academic and disciplinary program as well as the freedom to be normal teenage boys, these brave kids began the daunting journey towards putting their lives on a fresh path.

“The Boys of Baraka” zeros in on kids that society has given up on – – boys with every disadvantage, but who refuse to be cast off as “throw-aways.”

View Trailer:
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Prognosis: Positive. There’s something that changes you when you step foot off American soil and you find yourself many thousands of miles away from your comfort zone.

It’s a transformation which requires you to find new ways of communicating, understanding, interacting and it demands you either do as the Romans do or find yourself labeled as an Ugly American, one who wants to bend their will against the wills of those in a house which is not yours. I think that’s why I find this trailer oddly compelling.

We open up without a real indication of where the narrative is going. On the outside it feels like it’s just another episode of Undercover America on HBO, looking at the drug trade on American streets, this time in Baltimore, Maryland. We see some guys pushing each other in front of a house, prelude to a fight. A cop rolls down a street as music plays in the background. There is no voiceover.

We see a young man walk up a flight of steps alone. He sits on a windowsill and looks out onto the street. He says he stays inside the house most of the time. You look at him and he exudes a loneliness which is honestly heartbreaking. He understands that his peers are drug dealers who deal in the kinds of activities that explain why some young men don’t make it to their twenties.

The odd thing is that you don’t yet get the point of what’s happening in this film. You that it has something to do with looking at the effects of violence but you don’t know what it is going to be set against. That’s where I think the gradual take-off of this trailer comes when we see some of the very same lonely boys being gathered at the local airport. They’re literally leaving on a jet plane, one of them in tears, and leaving the country for a little while.

The destination ends up being Africa but I’m innately curious as to what the point is to shipping these boys off to another country and then I see it: they’re going to school. Although, since this is a documentary, this is going to be more than how well they learn the proper way to conjugate a verb.

“I have a feeling you’re going to find a whole lot of things different here than they were in Baltimore”¦”

Another part that’s intriguing about the trailer is that these boys have a moment in front of the “Confessional” video camera to send a postcard of sorts back home. Most of the boys express their desire to come back home. They’re not enamored with the possibilities that Africa has to offer. One boy lists the treats he wants sent to him but we get the point: no one wants to be here. The rhetorical statement which is asked of the audience, whether 10,000 miles can make a difference, is one that piques my desire to know if it has. I am sure that some aren’t, international travel isn’t a cure-all, but I am interested to know if it worked for those few who could’ve been another victim of inner-city neglect.

Director: Renee Chabria
Cast: John Leguizamo, Elizabeth Peña, Ana Claudia Talancon, Nestor Serrano
Release: September 30, 2005
Synopsis: A Mexian immigrant new to Los Angeles enters into a love triangle with two very different women.

Prognosis: I’d dip in corn meal, fry it and hit it two times while dancing to a meringue beat. I like it a lot. Sra. Ruiz will always go down as the woman who gave me one of the only C’s I ever received in college.

It was Spanish 202 and this class was representative of the 3 years of Spanish language classes I took in high school and the 2 years I had to take in college. I went through all of that and I still couldn’t get my shit together by the end. I homogenously sucked ass, this much I admit, but I just could not get a good grasp on the whole conjugation thing. And there is also the Latina I dated in high school (Veronica Arreola, represent! wOOt!), who will go down as one of two women that I use every once in a while to brag about my racial blindness; whether people just chalk it up to adolescent horniness is another matter entirely. What these two seemingly divergent interests should show, if nothing else, is that the Spanish/Mexican vida has always been an interest for me. I may not ultimately get it but trailers like this one that show me why my passion for it has never waned. This trailer lingers with you like a slow Spanish guitar, plucking strings at just the right, mellow, pace.

This picture crackles with ingenuity.

John Leguizamo thankfully takes the responsibilities of voicing the trailer’s narration as we get a peek into what brings us to his backwater home which is located south of the border. We don’t spend a lot of wasted time getting to know John’s character and we’re seemingly pushed into the middle of his exposition about how he landed in Los Angeles. This could be a bit jarring for some but not a moment is wasted and a trailer maker who understands the economy of time really cuts things to the quick. The film appears normal enough but things take an LSD induced turn to the right when John talks of his old village elders which, I guess, have cartoons jutting out of their chests like a fire hydrant of Technicolor on a pretty conistent basis. It’s weird, yes, but I appreciate the attempt to briefly contextualize John’s experiences and it only adds a certain flavor to the trailer when he see him in his new life, north of the border, in a crap job, Mickey Dee’ing it. The accompanying music in the background, the animations which move it along, just fit in nicely to the gritty, real vibe of this movie.

John wants to be a musician and the little moments we get of him practicing, slumming it wherever he can to get a little exposure, a little attention.

We get a little clichéd with the set-up of the snotty neighbor who doesn’t want John playing his guitarra till all hours of the night and, who we find out, secretly used to sing, gave it up for some “unknown reason” BUT who will regain her passion because of John and his trusty six string steed. It’s all well and good and touchy-feely but as soon as I think this is where it all begins and ends we get ourselves a love interest. I dunno what her name is, I don’t know what her role will be in John’s life but I do know John wants to hit that and I would have to heartily second that hitting. The romance is quickly established and run through and this is the reason why the trailer catches my attention. You have two seemingly diverse interests at play at the same time but we’re not very clear on how they will either miss each other or collide.

I like that kind of uncertainty in the trailers I watch.

The music and tempo change and even though we get another cliché with John saying how one needs to grab their dream when it comes along or else you’ll regret burning in a hell fire of your own making, blah blah blah, I still believe in the appeal of this movie. This honestly looks like a film where not only could it be one of those feel good pictures where something good comes out of a struggle for something important there also seems to be an element of meticulous filmmaking. The direction and the visual flair could make it worth the price of admission alone. And how the hell can you go wrong with Nestor Serrano, the man who completely dominated the MONEY PIT with Tom Hanks in his portrayal of Julio?

Director: Liev Schreiber
Cast: Elijah Wood, Eugene Hutz, Boris Leskin
Release: September 16, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Based on the critically-acclaimed novel by Jonathan Safran Foer, “Everything is Illuminated” tells the story of a young man’s quest to find the woman who saved his grandfather in a small Ukrainian town that was wiped off the map by the Nazi invasion. What starts out as a journey to piece together one family’s story under the most absurd circumstances turns into a surprisingly meaningful journey with a powerful series of revelations — the importance of remembrance, the perilous nature of secrets, the legacy of the Holocaust, the meaning of friendship and, most importantly, love.

Prognosis: Erring on the side of negativity. I can’t be sure if I like this trailer.

I am a fan of odd things but I am thoroughly confounded at the weirdness this trailer stirs in me.

Let me see if I can’t break this thing down in a meaningful way: Elijah Wood is a collector. The strange thing about his collecting is that he seems completely indiscriminate about the things he obtains. We see a shot of this massive wall with items all tacked on the wall, a lot of things, but there’s nothing really defining what these little baggies of odd things means to anyone.

Cut to Elijah sitting next to his dying grandmother who gives him a black and white photograph of his grandfather standing next to a strange woman. Without so much as thanking the old bag the kid asks who the woman is in the picture; too late to get an answer, though, as the grandma dies right there.

What’s a boy to do? Road trip.

The plane flight arrival, the oompa-loompa Germanic beer band music welcome wagon is a bit absurd, as is the quirky local translator, but the point of going to find the woman who saved this young man’s grandfather in World War II is an interesting premise if not foolhardy.

Right when we get going a little further into the narrative we get our quirky translator to explain that the Yugo mode of transportation is being driven by a man who thinks he’s blind, but isn’t, and has a psychotic seeing-eye dog which tags along with him. It’s a bit much for a film that I am thinking is trying to be meaningful but its quirks are beginning to overshadow its aims. I am especially reminded of this when, after a long day of travel, Frodo looks at his singular bed in a very wide, very long room. His translator friend asks him to secure his door as there are people who like to steal things from Americans, as well as kidnap them.

What’s the thrust here? Is this a comedy or is Elija’s straight man routine a juxtaposition against an insane reality which doesn’t really exist in real life? None of these questions get satisfactorily answered as the strangeness continues. The not-funny exchange between the translator and Elijah about what it means to be a vegetarian drags me even further into a state of malaise about something which should really be interesting.

This is not to say there isn’t any hope, however. When we finally get to an honest exchange of ideas between these two guys, the translator and Elijah, the trailer does elevate itself to a place where I feel like I connect with it. When asked why Elijah does the things he does he says it’s because he doesn’t want to forget. The ensuing musical interlude gets even more poignant when we see a line of five Jewish men lined up against a wall. They all wear yellow stars, indicative of the Nazi regime’s agenda of ethic cleansing, and, as the camera pulls back, we see that they’re about to get shot. It’s eye-popping and it sobers one up to where we’re going with this story.

There are a few more plot points which are revealed in the span of the remaining moments of this trailer but it really does pull up on the controls for what could have been a straight drop to the earth from earlier indications.

I can’t say for sure who this movie best appeals to but I think that’s one of the worst things a trailer can leave a person thinking. I’m not sure I would spend money to see this in the theater but I can see myself splurging on a rental to see what this quirky comedy/drama/oddity is all about.

Director: Rob Marshall
Cast: Ziyi Zhang, Ken Watanabe, Gong Li, Michelle Yeoh, Koji Yakusho, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tsai Chin
Release: December 9th, 2005
Synopsis: This is the story of Nitta Sayuri (Ziyi Zhang), sold to a geisha house at the age of 9, the training she goes through to become a geisha, and the life she leads as one. Based on the popular novel written by Arthur Golden.

Prognosis: Positive. This movie seems to star a veritable who’s who of Asian cinema. This is quite delightful when you realize that Ziyi Zhang takes the role of the voiceover duties when we open on a steep and chilly looking mountain, talking about how this is a story that needs to be told. Of course it does, otherwise why would Hollywood wait so many years to adapt a bestseller that millions of people already have read? Never minding the grandiose hyperbole which overstates the importance of this flick we are treated to the obviously manipulative tactic of showing how our Ziyi was wrenched away from her family in order to be sold into child slavery. We, as an audience, have to immedietly ally our sympathies to the girl, of course, and so every moment here on in is tinged with the feeling that we have to pity Ziyi. I don’t think it’s really right or wrong to go for the easy buy-in but for the adult audience this flick is aimed at it’s probably the best method to use.

“I certainly wasn’t born into the life of a geisha”¦”

So, the montage continues with a lovely classical music suite as we show how young Ziyi is taken from her home, taken in by a Carol Burnette clone a la ANNIE and is put through her paces as a young indentured laborer, probably in more ways than one, before a smiling Ken Wantanabe takes a shine to the girl. Now, I have never read GEISHA but I can’t for the life of me determine whether his sinister grin means “I think you’re a delightful sprite” or “Have you ever heard the saying “˜If there’s grass on the infield”¦’?” Now I think it means the former but you’re never quite sure in this age of books where the shocking is just taken as the norm but here’s to hoping that Ken keeps it wrapped in his pants.

Ziyi, though, is selected to become a Geisha. There is a sub-montage of the training she has to go through in order to become a sexualized object of patriarchical desire. It’s way hot.

I freak, though, when Ziyi puts on a whole lotta white face. Her black eyeballs make her look like a Great White ready to devour any approaching life force. Yeah, it’s scary until we see our young protégé and Yeoh without shirts, having a giggle. I’m energized and riveted by the prospect at some full-on Asian loving. I know only too well that the PG rating will shoot down that prospect and I will have to defer to the plethora of Internets which will satisfy that curiosity.

What happens next is an oddity to me. I know it may not be for some who find history of the geisha movement interesting reading but I never knew that geishas were, themselves, showgirls of sorts.

The tempo changes, we get a little more speed built up in the quick cuts used to show Ziyi’s quick ascension as a top billed act. All is not well in paradise, however, as there is some jealousy between our lady and some jealous ho who wishes she was all that and a bag of Kashi . The covetous bitch even tries to pull out a mini knife, much like the one used by the dude/chick, I still don’t know, honestly I don’t, in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM when he/she tried to dispense of Short Round after using he/she’s voodoo knife on a scarecrow looking Dr. Jones. A catfight ensues, much to my delight, again making a mental note to defer to the Internets for a more “comprehensive” compendium of full-on chick combat, and we eventually get it that Ziyi is whisked away from this brutish life by Wantanabe.

He seems to treat her right, there aren’t any signs he’s using her in any manner unbecoming of a gentleman but there is trouble in paradise as Ziyi wants to exert control over the situation she’s in. I’m not sure where this tale of female empowerment eventually leads us but the pandering moment of bombastic protestations of how Ziyi wants her own life and how she’s her own woman is a bit much. I realize this is important but it’s used to sell me on the idea of the movie and I don’t think it’s needed here.

The resulting montage of clips that really don’t have anything to do with the cohesion of the narrative, and it’s frankly disorienting, seems a bit lazy and unfocused. I’m not sure if this adult approved will even be worth to see but the three things that make me think I may venture forth is that I liked CHICAGO and I like Michelle Yeoh and Ziyi Zhang even more.

Director: Jim Sheridan
Cast: 50 Cent, Terrence Howard, Bill Duke
Release: November 9, 2005
Synopsis: A tale of an inner city drug dealer who turns away from crime to pursue his passion, rap music. Loosely based on the life of 50 Cent. Used to be titled “Locked and Loaded”.

Prognosis: Negative. Ok players, 100 people were interviewed and the top 5 answers are up on the board. Give me one good reason why the man who directed IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, MY LEFT FOOT and IN AMERICA would make a movie that glorifies an asshat rap stylist who has been shot 9 times and wants you to party like it’s your “birf-day” with some Bacardi in a movie about a good for nothing thug who has a yearning to become an entertainer on the stage?

BUZZ! “How about “˜I’ve got nuthin’?”

Damn, seriously, how do we go from IN AMERICA to this piece of 8 MILE/HUSTLE AND FLOW melodrama tripe?

I don’t think a trailer has set me off in such a rage than this one right here. I honestly believe this is a joke because there is no way I could imagine matching up the guy who is a walking billboard for misogyny, violence and mindless excess (much like if Whitesnake or Winger got their own films in the late 80’s) and who does nothing but want to reflect on letting us know how bad he had it in the streets but wants nothing to do with the obvious implications of what it means to be a spokesperson for this kind of lifestyle. But, whatever, right? Give the people their circuses and bread!

So, we start off with a view of a city at night. It doesn’t matter what city in America it is because we all know that in every small urban hamlet there are people racing down the streets with guns in their hands and firing up into the sky at rooftops like they’re effing Jack Ryan in CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, trying to evade the Cali Cartel.

And then, before I have a chance to really goof on how the producers of this film, as throughout this trailer the marketing angle here is to try and imply that 50 or should I say Fiddy, as is the parlance, is somehow the protagonist when, by implication and his own admission, he is clearly and simply the antagonist of his own making. But, who gives a crap as long as he’s rocking his do-rag like a bad ass.

Bill Duke comes in and, for a moment, I am actually impressed. Duke plays the lord of all that is street crime for wherever part of New York this is taking place in and I admire his throaty voiceover about how these mean streets work; it’s all very blown up but I have to give it up for his pimp bowler hat. Plus, I liked him enough in PREDATOR and so he, at the very least, gets a pass just for his delivery of the phrase “Turn around”¦” to Carl Weathers. Bill Duke fan club member #608 right here, peeps.

We go from the initial set-up to Marcus, or Fiddy, chatting up some young lady when she asks what he does for a living. He says he’s a gangsta. Now, at this point, the boys Fiddy has around him all start to laugh nervously at this admission and even Fiddy has a little drunken giggle happening. I don’t know what this is supposed to imply but it’s almost as if no one is really should to know he’s a gangsta; I thought that’s what builds cred on the street but living on the mean streets of Downtown Chicago don’t compare I guess to New York.

Now, we go from the admission and subsequent protestation of his gangsta past to the actual act of an old-fashioned stick-up with guns. Apart from Fiddy’s bravado in not wearing any disguise and that he initially planned on not shooting anyone I am confused at how we move from his actions as a thief to one of the sympathetic victim who feels the need to leave his criminal life behind. It’s almost as if we’re going to treat his past actions like bankruptcy court and just forgive the debt. And what kind of dumb-ass holds a place up and doesn’t wear a disguise? Haven’t any of these dudes seen HEAT?

So, we move from the thuggery to the fact we discover he has an innate ability to rap over some beats. Now, like I said before, this smacks an awful lot of HUSTLE AND FLOW yet I am conflicted about why I feel these two stories are divergent. Oh, that’s right, one story is about a pimp trying to make it by following his passion and the other is about an assclown who loved to terrorize people. My mistake.

I get excited, again and for the last time, when Bill Duke, in all his scary glory, lets Fiddy know there is no escaping the thug life when he all of a sudden thinks that rapping is so much better than the life of shooting and robbing people. The resulting drive-by where Fiddy gets himself shot trying to leave this lifestyle is depicted as a very sad time where everyone wants him to rise above his nadir, both personally and physically. I was hoping for a dramatic death right there on the operating table but like everything else about this guy we’re not lucky enough for that to happen. And that’s when I see Terrence “HUSTLE AND FLOW” Howard.

Sigh.

I don’t know what role he’s playing in this film but I guess he figures that the story he was in was too good to only do it once. The resulting montage of Fiddy’s evasions of the thugs who come after him for rapping despairingly about them is a bit much. When he’s walking around in a bulletproof vest because there is so much lead being pointed at him I am reminded of Lloyd from DUMB AND DUMBER who asks Harry about what would’ve happened if the guy who shot him had done so in his face. It’s all very dramatic, I get it. His white do-rag around his head, his shirtless body only covered by a bulletproof vest, some dopey ass gloves which he feels the need to wear I guess to make his fingers kissably smooth to the ladies, I get where we’re going. I’m just not sure of how we got here.

This thing ends and I am feeling like Fran Drescher when Weird Al says he’s the new station manager. He slaps her desk and rumbles with an annoyed fury that she has to go through this process. I am just annoyed with this trailer.

Director: Niki Caro
Cast: Charlize Theron, Sean Bean, Woody Harrelson, Frances McDormand, Richard Jenkins, Sissy Spacek
Release: October 21, 2005
Synopsis: A fictionalized account of the first major successful sexual harassment case in the United States — Jenson vs. Eveleth Mines, where a woman who endured a range of abuse while working as a miner filed and won the landmark 1984 lawsuit. Formerly the “Untitled Niki Caro Project”.

Prognosis: I’ll be at home washing my hair that night. Question for the group: Is there need for more movies where a woman’s plight to be equal with her male equals is the center of the film’s ethos?

I would argue there is, to a point, but that this one looks a little more interesting than the Lifetime Original movie of the week. Plus, above all else, Sean Bean is in this one so all definitely has to be right with the universe.

I wasn’t expecting much from the trailer, I’ll say that from the outset. When you see that this movie is rated R for “sequences involving sexual harassment” it seems unnecessarily inappropriate. I would think scenes involving sexual harassment is closer to the reason why you would want to have this movie play to audiences and not restrict people from seeing the crazy crap women have to put up with.

“Minnesota 1989, Inspired by a true story”

Anyway, the trailer opens up fairly innocuously. There is a delicate xylophone tinkering in the background doesn’t really give an idea of what this movie is about based on the first few seconds. Usually we, as an audience, get an idea a little quicker but the thrust of the trailer keeps pace with what’s expected for a flick that’s dealing with themes like this. Charlize does the voiceover work and that’s fab because we get the fact that she’s fresh of a divorce and she needs a job.

Like an angel from the sky who bequeaths the well-deserving some sort of earthy prize, Frances McDormand reprises that Minnesota FARGO-ian accent/role which makes it a pleasure to watch that movie over and over again. She plays the best friend part to Charleze and we understand that she is about to head into some rough work. When we see a whole lot of ground being blown up, a la ERNEST GOES TO CAMP, mining seems to be the name of the proverbial game.

I don’t know exactly what her job will be but we are all introduced to her new boss who says she must look, “Darn good under those clothes.” There is a moment where my nads crawl up my scrot, waiting for Charlize to twist this man’s nuts off but he laughs and says that all the women need to have a sense of humor.

Next you get the Charlize scene with her kids as she’s nearly crying, saying she’s going to make it work and that they should stick together and that family is what’s important, something to this effect, and you begin to ally your sympathies with her. It’s natural, manipulative but it’s effective. That’s why, in the next scene, when one of the male scrubs says he needs a body to help the other dudes, doing dude things, he winks and says that body shouldn’t be a fatty. Cue nad crawl.

I see where things are going.

The devolution of the working conditions only get worse as you see the men depicted as sexualized pigs in need of power to flex over the helpless ladies. You get Charlize depicted in a port-o-john as she’s being rocked back and forth before being, um, expelled out the front door when the other dudes tip it over. Charlize, of course, wants to rally against the institutionalized harassment. She wants to go tell the honchos at the corporation’s HQ. Of course some of the uglier ladies aren’t happy with her doing it as it means she’s going to be rocking the boat of complacency.

The response from the whiteys is obvious: they don’t care.

Charlize wants to do something and we get her emotional response to the events with a whole lot of crying. A whole lot. A lot. It’s a lot.

Somehow we get Woody “Hemp King” Harrelson involved as the lawyer who is going to go against these men, he obviously tells her that she doesn’t have a good chance of winning and that no woman will testify with her, etc”¦

The accompanying voiceover about how big the company is and the implications of a win are nationwide are to be expected as is more tears from Charlize when she says all she wants to do is to go to work.

Director: James Mangold
Cast: Joaquin Phoenix, Reese Witherspoon, Ginnifer Goodwin, Robert Patrick
Release: November 18, 2005
Synopsis: He picked cotton, sold door to door, and served in the Air Force. He was a voice of rebellion that changed the face of rock and roll. An outlaw before today’s rebels were born ““ and an icon they would never forget. He did all this before turning 30. And his name was Johnny Cash. WALK THE LINE explores the early years of the music legend, an artist who transcended musical boundaries to touch people around the globe. As his music changed the world, Cash’s own world was rocked by the woman who became the love of his life: June Carter.

Prognosis: Positive. I’ll be honest, I was taken in by the visual splendor of this trailer.

Not that I think the cinematography is anything special, because it’s honestly nothing to write home about, but the trailer opens with no voice over, no people and it glides you into this world like two hands cupped beneath you.

“Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame”¦”

The quiet din of an audience thirsty for something can be heard over the sound of a guitar. A prison in all its grey glory stands erect, cold, silent.

The guitar continues to play its singular note as the other notable achievements in Johnny Cash’s life dissolve by images of the insides for what is the place where Cash really brought down the house. The imagery of hands slapping down on the backs of chairs, the pogoing of them, reminiscent of THE BLUES BROTHERS all bring back that momentous time in history.

Then, we have a long piece of film. It’s odd to have a single take moment in a trailer, as I’m sure there are people that want to see more of the man himself, but the man who is talking to Johnny clearly defines what it is that Cash’s music was all about. The moment is perfectly captured and it’s at that point where the gates open and Phoenix lets loose.

There’s such a muted wickedness about Phoenix that it seems so right that a dude who I couldn’t have cared less for as a dramatic actor, sure I dug the crap out of him in SIGNS but that ostentatious performance in GLADIATOR was uncalled for, really strikes a chord deep inside me, no pun intended.

I do have to say, though, that the one thing that is steering this rolling train down the tracks is none other than Reese Witherspoon herself. Yeah, I know directors love her because she is so cool and teh awesome and there’s a female contingent that will see her come and crap on a phone book if that’s what her next performance is but I didn’t appreciate her distractions. She is and everyone here knows it so feel safe in echoing that when you see this trailer unfold.

I do like everything about the weight that Phoenix gives this performance. If I was a betting man, and I am but I just don’t have the means, I would have to say this trailer is right on par with the one crafted for RAY last year. There are thematic elements which pop up in both of them but what I really like about this trailer is that, just like in the RAY trailer, the music that plays in the background jingles at just the right rate.

Every angle and facet shown of Cash, in this trailer, just sings with emotion. Phoenix is undeniably slick in the black that made Johnny an original but I just hope he can channel the spirit of what made him the most dangerous man to hold a guitar who ever walked a line.

Director: Scott McGahee, David Siegel
Cast: Richard Gere, Juliette Binoche, Kate Bosworth, Flora Cross, Max Minghella
Release: November 11, 2005 (limited)
Synopsis: Eliza Naumann (Flora Cross) has no reason to believe she is anything but ordinary. Her father Saul (Richard Gere), a beloved university professor, dotes on her talented elder brother Aaron (Max Minghella). Her scientist mother, Miriam (Juliette Binoche), seems consumed by her career. When a spelling bee threatens to reaffirm her mediocrity, Eliza amazes everyone: she wins. Her newfound gift garners an invitation not only to the national competition, but an entrée into the world of words and Jewish mysticism that have so long captivated her father’s imagination. But Eliza’s unexpected success hurls the Naumann family dynamic into a tailspin, long-held secrets emerge and she is forced to depend upon her own divination to hold the family together. BEE SEASON is based on the nationally best selling Myla Goldberg novel of the same name.

Prognosis: Artificially Sweetened. Can anyone tell me if I am wrong if said that for every spelling bee that the newspapers print the entire list of possible words before the competition ever happens and that it’s really a matter of memorization than it is a kid’s inspired knowledge of Latin roots and meanings?

We’ll just assume for the benefit of this trailer that this little girl who’s teh cool speller is really a progeny, ‘kay?

So, Richard Gere seems to be taking the pole position in the family as the one who is really taking this whole spelling thing as a talent that needs intense nurturing. If I could point out one glaring fact about this family, though, is that they’re all great-looking people. I figure you would want to work the whole commonality angle but I’m not the one footing the bill so forget what I think about anything.

All photogenics aside, although their beauty wattage is hard to look away from, it’s like a beacon of hawtness which demands your attention, this family seems really effed up.

You’ve got the one son in the family doing a voiceover, and they’re really trying to make it dramatic here, folks, with the suicidal/emo guitar plucker in the background sounding all ready to blow his head clean off his shoulders, as the kid tries to define a word for the young spelling prodigy. It’s all very innocuous before Juliette gets involved and tells Richard, after he slights his man child for being a dumbass, essentially, he’s a bully.

This is not Family Ties I guess.

Even though I knew it was coming, I get it sooner than expected: The man child pulls a bombast on us and berates his green corduroy jacket wearing father inside the house. There are some tears being held back and there is most defiantly the promise of a physical altercation. All we get to see, though, is Richard turning in a dramatic twist of his Oh-I-Am-An-Ass-Aren’t-I neck.

There is a sweet visual, though, that I am going to give credit for which follows soon after. The spelling prodigy of the house does her own voiceover and explains her talent for being able to spell out words. There is a real HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS close-up of a pencil scrawling over a piece of lined paper, I have real crappy handwriting myself, and the camera gets closer and closer. All of a sudden you see the graphite shifting like it was being shook in an Etch-A-Sketch and you can eventually make out that it is a big alphabet soup with letters sliding and diving everywhere. The child still talks about how she does what she does when we see a close up of her at a spelling function. Letters dance and bob around her head. It really is deserving of a golf clap.

Here’s where things get a little manipulative.

The emo man’s voice goes away as Richard has his own Voiceover. He talks about making the world a better place, blah, blah, blech. And as he talks about peace, love and Free Tibet beads we get the montage of a whole slew of images which are only designed to make your chick who cries at that one Maxwell House Christmas commercial when Peter comes home, you all know which one I’m talking about, to grab you by the nads and say, “We are so going to see that show.” You get Juiliette bawling her nuts off, Richard is obviously the Earl Woods of the family with regard to his little girl, the girl herself is being hoisted up for winning something or another and you even get Richard crying like a little bitch too. Geez, people, there is way too much bawling going on in the movies.

Oh, and I downloaded the song that plays in the trailer. It’s called “I’ll Be With You” by a band called Matter. I absolutely hate myself for it but I figure when I need to let loose for a good weep I’ll know help is as close as my iPod. It’s wicked good for a quick pop fix but it’s like slamming 8 lime Pixie Stix: it’s good for the first minute or so but then you regret for having done it like last Saturday night’s slump buster or maybe that’s just me.

Director: D.J. Caruso
Cast: Al Pacino, Matthew McConaughey, Rene Russo, Jeremy Piven, Armand Assante
Release: October 7, 2005
Synopsis: TWO FOR THE MONEY is a drama of high stakes set in the adrenalized world of wheeler-dealers whose fortunes are won and lost betting on sports. Matthew McConaughey stars as Brandon Lane, a former college football star whose uncanny ability to predict the outcome of a game introduces him to an unexpected new career when his gridiron glory is sidelined by a crushing injury.

View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)

Prognosis: Hilarious. You almost got me. Almost. I was inches away from really being excited about this movie and then, as I watched the trailer roll on, I saw that not even Matthew McConaughey’s electric whiteness, nee His Teeth, could save this one.

Yeah, I liked BOILER ROOM. I still go back to it as one of those character profiles which really captured one of those kinds of professions whose legitimacy borders on illegal. This seems to be the same kind of flick but without the Vin Diesel or Ben Affleck edginess.

The trailer starts like a shot of electrolytes to a thirsty man’s belly. It really gets you going. You’ve got a drum beat just thrusting your pulse forward, think of the into to Disturbed’s “Down With The Sickness,” and you’ve also got the same kind of grey, washed-out cinematography which really gives you a sense of place. Matthew’s one of those guys you see on Saturday mornings, usually on USA or one of your local channels who promise you the best line on sports bets, usually college or pro football, for one $25 call.

Matt does it and he’s good at it.

The trailer is great at capturing the thrill of the bet, the reality of how this profession still exists without being under the purview of government officials. Matt looks all dingy and dirty, the obvious set-up is that he’ll be transformed by the malevolent force being embodied by Al Pacino, but he’s good at what he does and the “Inspired by a True Story” even gets a greater buy-in from me.

It downturns, though, when the inevitable occurs, he moves on up to the East Side to a penthouse apartment in the sky. Pacino chimes in, turns our ruffian into a slick snake, takes over the voice-over duties, making it sound like he’s taking Matthew under his wing to make him a big star in a business that doesn’t have starts but annoying loud-mouths, and I and further frustrated when Renee Russo butts in for no good reason at all.

I am delighted, though, by the appearance of Jeremy Piven, his role, it seems, like a rehash of his Ari character from Entourage, as he scoffs at Matt’s new place as one of “them.”

What’s curious to state about this trailer is that we’re shown this man’s downfall. We’re actually privy to his meltdown as a sports speculator and, for the life of me, can’t understand why I should even care about this dude’s rise and fall. Just like in BOIILER ROOM we get the call from the one guy who put all his speculatatory eggs in one basket, loses it all, and then calls to whine about it and we even get Matt’s eventual Nietzschian, philosophical questioning of the direction in which his life is headed.

Good. You know what? That’s why they call it gambling, ‘Tard.

Director: Sam Mendes
Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, Jamie Foxx, Lucas Black, Chris Cooper
Release: November 4th, 2005
Synopsis: When a young man joins the Marines and trains to be a sniper, he finds himself plunged into the chaotic swirl of sand, oil, fire and death that was the Gulf War. View Trailer:
* Medium (Windows Media)

However, I can look past all this luggage and baggage because any time you have a kid who is narrating his inner feelings about serving his country, and there’s an uneasiness that’s pasting and gelling it all together, you’ve got some good juxtaposition going. I appreciate that.

Even before we get the handle on what Jake Gyllenhaal is doing, preparing for, we get the ubiquitous Directed By card, glossing over his efforts on ROAD TO PERDITION, and going straight for that Oscar card with AMERICAN BEAUTY. Understandable considering the nebulous handle most people either had or didn’t have on PERDITION.

What gets me about this trailer, and how it slowly sucks you in, is that after they flash Jamie “Don’t Call Me Stealth” Foxx it’s Jake’s blind vacancy behind his eyes that gets me. He’s not quite Private Gomer Pile from FULL METAL JACKET but there’s uneasiness behind the anticipation in his face.

Chris Cooper, with his microphone tilted toward his face, the way he’s proselytizing and addressing a choir of hungry soldiers who are all willing to do thy bidding, shows us a flicker of greatness once more as he lays down the aims for the attack that’s about to happen. Cooper isn’t screwing around.

The soundtrack changes. It’s lyrical with a minimalist hip-hop beat pulsating underneath it as the images we’re getting, Jake popping a gum bubble as he mans a sniper rifle, a dude sleeping in a foxhole, a platoon marching with their gas masks on and the sweetest looking line of fighters, a good dozen of them, flying side-by-side with their exhaust lines trailing behind them, trigger curiosity but we don’t get much in the way of narration.

That’s fine, though.

We get more of the same as the trailer goes beyond its halfway mark. Jake dons a Santa hat sans shirt, guys are playing football in their gas masks, oil field flames shoot into the air like geysers and a humvee flips over from an explosion underneath it.

The trailer doesn’t see a need, the precious seconds bleeding away as more discordant images conflagrate to the point of confusion, to fill us in on what the hell this is all about. If we’re going by style alone, that’s fine, A+, but if I had to take any umbrage at all is that we’re not really “in on” what Jake’s role is. Is he an eager boy who turns into a man and then realizes he was eager for all the wrong reasons? Does he turn into a sadist who gives in to his animalistic rage and need for violence? The point is never resolved and I would hope we get a little more insight than this.

James Dean’s adolescent brooding and “dangerous” air went out when he did. I’ve got to identify with who I’m seeing but I got none of that here. The imagery, though, is worth the price of viewing.

Director: Bennett Miller
Cast: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Cliffton Collins Jr., Bruce Greenwood, Chris Cooper, Bob Balaban, Mark Pellegrino
Release: September 30, 2005 (limited)
Synopsis: On November 15, 1959, the brutal murder of a family in a small Kansas town sent shockwaves through the nation ““ and captured the attention of one of the most distinctive minds of our time. One-of-a-kind author Truman Capote was sent to Kansas to pen an article about the crimes for The New Yorker magazine. He ended up writing one of the most celebrated books of the century. CAPOTE follows Truman Capote (Hoffman) on his odyssey to create the landmark bestseller In Cold Blood. With signature style and mordant wit ““ and his friend Harper Lee (Keener) in tow ““ Capote attempts to charm the locals and work his way into the story behind the murders. He’s soon shocked, however, to find himself forming a friendship with one of the killers, Perry Smith (Collins). As the book nears completion and execution day approaches, Capote finds himself torn in directions he never anticipated and is forever changed by his experiences.

Prognosis: Confused. Alright, peeps, this is your medicine for the week.

Yeah, it would be Hella Cool if I would’ve looked at the new DOOM trailer this week but you all can’t be living your life under a Technicolor, Dolby Digital, Hi-Fi surround sound rock. Broaden your horizons, as it were.

This has all the horizon you’ll need for a while.

What I like about the opening about this trailer is that even though there is something very quiet about a rural home in Kansas (I lived there for years and I can vouch that there ain’t jack crap going on within its suburbs) it’s very loud when you punctuate that scene, a very cold and blustery scene, with a flash of light and a gun blast. That gets your attention.

Cut to Seymour Hoffman. Tortured with a voice that would’ve made David Sedaris recognize there was probably someone else in this world who got their ass kicked more than he did, Seymour talks about wanting to write about the murders. There’s something that interests him about it. Before we know what really interests him about the story we are shoved into Seymour’s backstory. It’s wickedly brief and you can use the melodic cues to take you through it all.

On the one hand you have this jaunty beat which shows Seymour as the insider for New York’s affluent and aristocratic buffoons in a time when the notion of a social insider meant more than being a Page 6 leech but after the giggles and patronizing accolades are heaped upon Capote’s persona the music gets morose. Seymour is in Kansas, wearing a deliciously well woven scarf, in the middle of winter. We’re not really sure what he hopes to uncover and his laissez faire attitude regarding the crime doesn’t help establish his motives.

At one point in this trailer, after we’re on the hunt for some Midwestern kind of killers, we get Capote reflecting on how people have misjudged him for his entire life just because of the way he talked. True, he does have that kind of whiny, tinny voice that has never really before been harnessed by heterosexual male but that’s no excuse to be so down on yourself. Really, if I want to go to a pity party I would sooner go over to humanitarian Richard Simmons’ house so he can explain to me why he thinks he’s so misunderstood by a society because of his “eccentricities.” After getting this out of the man we’re graciously allowed back into the trailer’s action.

What follows seems pretty conventional just based on what I see in this trailer’s presentation. We have a dude who may or may not be guilty of the crime of murder and you have Capote who is like John Grisham’s wet dream, a man who will defy the odds to prove the man’s innocence, just by investigating the man’s life. It’s all very true to Hollywood form except here you have some black and white pictures of Capote and the would-be killer in some poses you would think they’re shooting for the J. Crew Fall 2005 calendar. It’s very strange.

Chris Cooper, bless his heart, looks like the beleaguered cop who has been on the case for years and has to endure the eccentricities of this fruit loop of a writer. It just looks like it’s taking everything Cooper has to not pistol whip the poor bastard into leaving town on the next Amtrak leaving Wichita, Kansas.

The end of this trailer has Cooper and Hoffman sharing a table, Cooper’s body language subtly showing us the phrase “Get me the hell away from this bastard before I dish out a little small town justice” in all its resplendent glory, and when Hoffman nearly whispers the title of his book the look on Cooper’s face is all but worth a 1,000 hand-typed words.

Director: Mark Waters
Cast: Reese Witherspoon, Mark Ruffalo, Jon Heder, Dina Spybey, Ben Shenkman
Release: September 16th, 2005
Synopsis: When David (Mark Ruffalo) sublet his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expected – or wanted – was a roommate. He had only begun to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman named Elizabeth (Reese Witherspoon) suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes there’s been a giant misunderstanding”¦until Elizabeth disappears as mysteriously as she appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will – mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the “other side.” But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality – she can walk through walls – she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn’t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.

Prognosis: Awful. Hi, I’m Mark Ruffalo and I was pretty good in that indie tear fest movie YOU CAN COUNT ON ME. Lucky for you I was also in ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND which I got to get my swerve on with Kirsten Dunst in my Fruit Of The Loom’s. You’re lucky because those movies don’t pay enough for me to pay the rent so I have little option but to star in movies like 13 GOING ON 30 and this new one JUST LIKE HEAVEN, big Hollywood marketing darlings which you middle America ladies seem to gobble up like chocolate pudding. I wish things could be different but I can’t see any other way to make sure my career keeps going.

Someone needs to give Mark a check just so he’ll stop appearing in these pre-packaged titter-fests which women love to drag their men to. If there was something redeeming about the filmic history of Reese Whitherspoon I’d love to share it here but since it’s nonexistent I can’t possibly be expected to do that. So far, and this is for those keeping score at home, I have been pulled into every movie that chick has done in the last 7 years because I have a wife who think she’s the bee’s knees and, by default, I’ve been to most every opening weekend of this chick’s flicks.

That’s why, in this movie, I am happy to report, with much glee, Reese is hit, head-on, by a truck and killed.

Let me repeat, she is hit, head-on, by a truck. If this scene could have been filmed at different angles I could actually see the point of watching 90 minutes of just this one moment.

Suffice to say, though, she doesn’t stay dead and that’s a big disappointment. She apparently is a hard working doctor, one commenting that she’s worked for 26 hours and needs to go home to rest her pretty blonde head, to which she keeps on keeping on. And that’s when she’s hit by a truck, head-on.

Cut to Mark Ruffalo who needs a place to live. He, apparently, chooses Reese’s old space and actually sees her after one of his showers. Again, things could be interesting if he was rubbing one out right before their meeting because that would honestly put a new twist in this dead person/live person/no one else can see them genre.

And what’s more about what is so crappy about this picture is that while the two of them are trying to coexist with one another, Reese not believing she’s dead, Mark trying to make sense of what he’s seeing and it all being very zany, who should appear but Jon “Napoleon Dynamite” Heder. He plays a supporting role in this crapfest and I can’t, for the life of me, begrudge the guy who obviously isn’t doing this movie for its great artistic merits but becuase he needs some face time with the American public and would also appreciate some spending money for the weekend.

Oh yeah, the tagline which says that this movie is from the same director of FREAKY FRIDAY and MEAN GIRLS? That should be like one of those Nazi P.O.W. prison camp sirens from Hogan’s Heroes, blaring into your subconscious that you should avoid this at all costs. But, here’s the twist, and this is really complex so I’ll break it down slow: when Mark decides to revisit all Reese’s old friends and colleagues and they all say how she was a workaholic, cold old maid, Reese ends up feeling really bad.

And, stab my eyes, the two of them start to like each other in a most intimate way. Now, even though there are some GHOST, ALL OF ME and DEFENDING YOUR LIFE elements going on in this movie it does not deter from the fact that the further you, your old lady or your quote-un-quote “roommate,” who is wacked out of their skull and thinks Reese is just like one of us from what they’ve seen in US Weekly, get into this trailer the more manipulative it gets.

In much the same way Quint rolled in his rod n’ reel with a crazed look in his eye when he snagged Jaws so too does this trailer play the sappy ass music, interjecting the sappy looks our two players give each other and the false emotion behind Reese’s hope that she wishes she wasn’t so dead, this trailer plays its Mysterio mindfuck trick on those sympathetic to these fake characters’ plight and this will only result in your significant, or insignificant, other drag you against your will into the theater.

This trailer, though, if I am going to be honest with all of you, is a great example of how you make a piece of advertising which does nothing more than try and snowball someone into seeing it. There isn’t one redeeming piece of story hidden behind the fluff but it does a great job in trying to persuade you that there is.

Director: Karyn Kusama
Cast: Charlize Theron, Frances McDormand, Jonnie Lee Miller, Sophie Okonedo
Release: December 12, 2005
Synopsis: The film, based on the futuristic MTV animated series created by Peter Chung, is set 1,000 years in the future, when disease has wiped out the population save for one city. The acrobatic title character (Theron) is the top operative in an underground rebellion, but when sent on a mission to kill the government’s leader, she uncovers a secret making her question if she’s on the right side. McDormand will play the Handler, the leader of the rebellion.

Prognosis: Negative. Raven haired. Can we get that out of the way first? It’s a very becoming look on any lady who wants to put on the affectation of Wednesday Addams. Now, we open onto a scene must like that of the WAR OF THE WORLDS. There are these towers which look like the bulbous heads of the alien invaders in Spielberg’s finale/brake fest and Charlize stands on the precipice of an adjoining structure. It’s up way high and I have no idea why she has a look of fear on her face if she was the one who went up there in the first place.

She rears back and runs off the ledge, looking like Trinity from the original MATRIX: RELOADED, the one that didn’t suck as bad as the other sequel, and she even gives us a wholly unnecessary somersault as she makes it to the other side of a very long space between buildings.

Soon after we are regaled with Charlize’s voiceover about this “last society” on Earth, of course, and how it’s supposed to be this utopia, of course, and how it’s anything but, of course. There are even rebels, who form an underground movement, who are trying to reassert control over the mentally asleep citizens. The imagery and the way she moves seems awfully like Denis Leary’s character in a similarly plotted movie: DEMOLITION MAN.

Now, the government seems to be stealing its citizens on the sly for reasons unknown. That’s why Charlize is on the case, right? We get a flash of skulls, almost too fast, to really throw it home that this is serious shit. They’re not kidding around with this kidnapping stuff.

Transpose onto that, if you will, the next set of visuals: Charlize walking around in some low-cut bikini briefs. What would you be more concerned with? Human life or trying like a Kit-Kat to break you piece off of that? I know where my concern is.

There’s a weird moment when we’re told that there are people who fight for the disappeared. We get some GQ looking dude, all in spandex black, who embraces some chick, also in spandex black, but she’s wearing an eye-less cowl, the exact same lame-ass outfit that Rex Smith, aka The Daredevil, wore in The Trial of the Incredible Hulk. It’s alarming to see it revisited here as is the French kiss which takes between them. The dude passes along some silver pill via his tongue, like this is some high school kegger, and we get up-close to look at the exchange. Why? I don’t know and really don’t care.

Charlize then lets us know that she too is a fighter for those persons who are snatched by the government and we are regaled with a display of her physical prowess. She beautifully kicks some well choreographed butt as we’re told she’s expertly trained and ruthlessly efficient. It’s a little tiresome as the set pieces seem a bit worn and played out.

What does interest me, though, even after recoiling in horror at the sight of Frances McDormand donning some of the most wicked bed head, crow’s nest hair I have ever laid eyes on, is that when Aeon is given the assignment of killing some person or something she stands on the top of this overly green hill. This hill looks straight at the lush grounds which lead to the spooky base of operations of whomever and Charlize takes off running toward the place only to see that the green grass is alive and it’s sharp. Little green needles bend towards Theron’s face as she quickly discovers this. The effects here are pretty nice but that’s about it.

We get NBC Daredevil circa 1989 again, one of those quick drum beats behind the visuals which is supposed to indicate extreme action of some sort and one of the oddest things I’ve ever seen in an action movie: Charlieze whistles like she’s calling Lassie, except here she’s calling a series of iron marbles, and they somehow, someway, assist her in the quest for goodness. It’s awful.

The ending quick shots are just as bad. The low quality execution of what should be pretty intense effects, the bad guy looking just like any conventional bad guy should, the zingers that Charlize throws out which should sound like bon-mots but end up sounding like pathetic one-liners and the way she tries to come off as this tougher than leather warrior just comes across as a pretty girl who is trying to play the part of the bad-ass.

Director: Mike Mills
Cast: Tilda Swinton, Vince Vaughn, Vincent D’Onofrio, Keanu Reeves, Benjamin Bratt
Release: September 16, 2005
Synopsis: Justin throws himself and everyone around him into chaos when he attempts to break free from his addiction to his thumb.

Prognosis: Positive. Big fan of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE.

Huge.

When I saw it I wasn’t quite sure what the hell I was viewing but after getting to the five minute mark, I got it.

That flick makes haters or lovers out of people and, judging by the numbers of people who are wearing Vote for Pedro shirts that they bought at Hot Topic, don’t worry if you’re one of them this is a place for healing, I’d say a lot of people got the vibe of the movie and that’s a good thing.

However, but not so much a “however” as it is an Exhibit A kind of lead-in, a movie that apes the handcraftiness of Napoleon’s artistic scribblings was bound to make its way here and I am happy to say that after one year of being out there, we have our movie and I feel accepting of the angle this marketing is going in.

I wasn’t expecting much but hot damn if I didn’t like this trailer. There’s some independent flavor that’s desperately being sought after and I’ll give the filmmakers that much. The cinematography creeps up on you as what sounds like the opening piano suite from Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue starts to play. It’s not but it just seems so close and apropos. We see our normal suburban stronghold of a house; static, no camera movement. Next we get to infer our protagonist has been living in said tenement with the pencil markings on the wall demarcating how he’s grown as a young child. Next, a crapload of trash falls from the top of the screen, its source nowhere to be found, and you’re left with the “Huh?” feeling as you’re yanked to Keanu’s voiceover. He’s talking to our young man who’s laid out on Dr. Reeve’s dental chair. They’re talking about the effects of thumb sucking and what it’s doing to our adolescent. Keanau gets all New Age with him. It’s amusing in quiet way.

Flash to a hand-drawn card telling us the name of the movie. I want to see a Liger pop out at me but I don’t get it.

What I do get, though, is a rocket ship ride which passes by lots of good information like:

A) Tilda Swinton is the kid’s mom.

B) Benjamin Bratt is a sensitive listener.

C) Vincent D’Onofrio is the kid’s dad.

D) Vince Vaughn plays a creepy teacher.

Solid cast and their parts are well fleshed-out for as little time as we’re given with them.

Our kid hero likes the ladies and if you’re one of those kind of dudes who like seeing young women in their skivvies head on over to this trailer and wait until the 50 second mark. Big payoff.

The music changes to some indie-emo rock, sounds like we moved from the Crue to Foo, Fighters that is, and over the beat of the tune that’s playing we see that little Johnny has ADD, hyperactivity disorder and a couple more behavioral maladies which are easily remedied with some medication. He’s shown taking the pills and, two seconds later, which in movie time really equates to two months, it’s like comic book continuity, he’s better.

“You see those girls out there?”

“Yeah.”

“Go round them up, bring them in here.”

“In the men’s room?”

“It’s okay, I’m a teacher, I’m a teacher.”

Vince Vaughn, while not your typical, amusing wisecrack ace of a guy, does have his part as a creepy educator down pat. I even laugh at the above exchange that Vince has with our once withdrawn teen that’s slowly coming out of his social skin.

There are some weird words between Keanu and our man shortly after the bathroom scene and things take a weird turn when the kid starts to discover things about himself which weren’t previously expressed before his indoctrination into the world of pharmaceuticals. He’s smart, intelligent and he is all about getting his swerve on with many a lady. Again, for those who like teenage girls in their skivvies, go to the 1 minute 50 second mark. I have no idea what its purpose is in the grand context besides giving those playing the home game a little thrill but I’m honestly more interested in the story and I don’t get that.

If there’s anything that leaves me cold is that I don’t really get to know why I should care about the protagonist here besides cheering for the fact that he looks well on his way to scoring some high school tail before the last reel of this movie has come to an end.