CARSON CITY – Dennis Hof will never regret spending too much time at work. He’s the last boss in America who can allow the women who work in his business to sit on his lap and call him daddy without the fear of H.R. deporting him to a reeducation workshop. He’s got the greatest job in the world as the owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.
Currently he’s a busy man promoting the new season of Cathouse on HBO (October 23) and the DVD of Cathouse: The Series & The Musical (Oct. 28). I figured we’d just do another phone interview. But Hof invited me to his office. After all the tease, it was time to experience what’s often called the Adult DisneyWorld. After spending 24 hours inside America’s Cathouse, I can assure you that the Bunny Ranch is better than DisneyWorld. At no point is your fun interrupted by a parent dragging a crying child out of a gift shop.
For fans of the show, here’s three things that are different between the reality TV show and the actual reality: 1). It has an amazing view of the surrounding mountains. When you bounce on the trampoline, you’ll see a wonderful vista. 2.) The lights are dimmer inside the parlor. 3.) They don’t play the soundtrack from the TV show over the PA. They play Music Choice channels on the flat screen TVs. You’ll be able to collect some of the goofiest trivia about bands. But you’re not there to study for Rock N Roll Jeopardy. And neither was I. It’s time to begin The Wisdom of Hof:
In this segment Dennis talks about the hookers of Elizabeth, New Jersey and Elliot Spitzer.
Fans of Cathouse have grown accustomed to Isabella Soprano as the kinky girl next door. She has this amazing charm. Yet if you called up the Bunny Ranch after an episode and asked about partying with her, you’d discover she wasn’t currently working at that house. In previous interviews we’ve always asked Dennis about the status of Isabella Soprano. He would say that she had retired and was at an organic farm in Massachusetts. For the first time ever, Hof tells us the complete story of what happened to Isabella Soprano, America’s Sweetho.
In the words of Paul Harvey: Now you know the rest of the story. Perhaps Sheila Nivens at HBO will let me do a “In Search of Isabella” special for HBO Undercover.
The next column will have more of our the interview with Hof. We also spend time in bed with Cathouse star Brooke Taylor. You’ll want to see how she’s juggling a musical career, being the Hustler centerfold, getting featured in Marie Claire and still keeping her dayjob.
There will be more details of my Bunny Ranch visit in part two of this interview. Find out the truth about waffles and working girls. Also tips on how to lure your wife to a brothel for your wedding anniversary. It’s better than flowers. Currently I can’t disclose these facts since Ron Howard wants to adapt this interview into his follow up of Frost/Nixon. Opie wants Nicolas Cage to play me and Gene Hackman to be Hof. Of course most of this negotiation hinges on if Cage agrees to play me in my family’s Christmas movie this holiday season. The offer is still open since I haven’t spent that $20 bill that’s intended for Cage. To sweeten the pot, my wife will knit Cage his own Godzilla doll.
Stay tuned for more Hof!
UPGRADE
The premiere episode of Chocolate News with David Alan Grier is funnier than all the episodes of David Spade’s Showbiz Show.
DISCOUNT TICKETS
When you’re in Las Vegas, be careful buying show tickets from scalpers. Turns out there’s plenty of bootleg performers eager to sucker you into strange showrooms. We innocently bought tickets for Danny Gans at the Mirage. His final performance in the Danny Gans theater is Nov. 22. How could we live without seeing “The #1 Entertainer on the Strip?” Imagine our dismay to discover we had blown $3,000 to see Danny Glands at the Mirage.
Who is Danny Glands? The performer once rolled with Slim Goodbody. He developed his act to become a celebrity endocrine system impersonator. You haven’t really felt Vegas until you see Danny transform into Dean Martin’s Thyroid. You’ll swear you are looking into Dino. He does a complete Rat Pack reunion with Sinatra’s Parathyroid and Sammy Davis Jr’s Posterior pituitary lobe. Even better is Ernest Borgnine’s Hypothalamus. I almost called him McHale after the show. He’s that good.
Glands’ favorite routine involves how dead stars would mow their lawns. You haven’t experienced comedy until you get an eyeful George Burns’s Anterior pituitary lobe riding a John Deere. I almost felt it was worth the price until I leaned back and stressed the scar from the kidney I sold to buy the tickets.
HAIR TV
Michael Imperioli’s fu manchu dominates Life On Mars. You don’t even think of him as the guy from The Sopranos. He’s become the man rockin’ the stache. From a reliable source, it’s been revealed that the facial hair is actually Grant Show’s porn-stache from Swingtown. Who knew that follicles can be so versatile? This is an industry that pigeonholes its mustaches. Bea Arthur’s mustache went decades without a steady gig until it hooked up with Spencer on The Hills. So a big up to Michael Imperioli’s fu manchu making him the Conrad Dobler of cops.
BOND SALE
Back when I programmed at a major film archive, there was pure bliss in running our complete collection of James Bond films on the big screen. All of the early titles were Technicolor 35mm gems. Shirley Eaton dazzled in gold paint in Goldfinger. When my time there finished, I felt the loss of having to settle for pan and scan VHS tapes for my 007 action. How can you settle for NTSC when you’ve tasted Technicolor?
I bought the first batch of Bond DVDs. The image quality was a step up from VHS and they maintained their original aspect ratios. But the transfer prints had rough in spots. Then came The Ultimate Editions with their completely spiffed up images thanks to Lowry Digital Images. But I was still having to settle for 480p action. I wanted to be able to reach towards the screen and touch the face of Pussy Galore. Where was the Blu-ray love for Bond?
With the impending release of Quantum of Solace, 6 of the top Bond titles are now on Blu-ray ready for you to upgrade. They’re available separately or in two boxsets. Volume 1 has From Russia With Love, Thunderball and For Your Eyes Only. The second volume consists of Dr. No, Live and Let Die and Die Another Day. They’ve imported all the bonus features from the Ultimate Editions. Many of the documentaries have also been boosted to 1080p. If you appreciate the extra detail of Hi-Def, you’ll break the piggy bank or sell your cat.
Dr. No got the series off on a great foot. Sean Connery perfect as Bond. They cast Jack Lord (Hawaii Five-O) as CIA agent Felix Leiter. The crowning glory of this flick is Ursula Andress coming out of the water in her swimsuit. The calypso soundtrack hops in the Lossless Sound. From Russia With Love is the best of the Bonds. 007 merely thinks his job is to go to Istanbul to retrieve Soviet embassy worker and her code typewriter. But his mission turns out to have the fate of the world at stake. The action is hardcore especially a fight on the Orient Express between Connery and Robert Shaw (Jaws). Daniela Bianchi is perfection as the embassy gal who thinks she’s helping her glorious country capture the English agent. Thunderball was the first Bond film to take advantage of Cinemascope. The action gets wider. Bond has to recover nuclear bombs stolen by SPECTRE. The big finale includes a huge underwater battle. John Barry’s orchestration has a marvelous sweep and swell from the speakers.
Live and Let Die is memorable for when Felix Leiter (David Hedison) utters “Pimpmobile.” This has James Bond (in the form of Roger Moore) going to Harlem to face off with Yaphet Kotto. He’s running the American heroin trade through his Fillet of Soul restaurants. His main form of protection is Jane Seymour working her Tarot cards. But she can’t stop Bond’s ability to shuffle her deck. For Your Eyes Only was the attempt to make Roger Moore more serious and less gadgety. He’s got to recover an encryption machine. His only help is Topol (the actor not the toothpaste). The only bad move in this film is Bill Conti’s cheesy score that screams ’80s action movie with every synth beat.
Die Another Day was the finale for Pierce Brosnan as Bond. After the disappointments of The World Is Not Enough and Tomorrow Never Dies, this Bond is slightly better. The hovercraft fight is worth seeing with the extra definition. Halle Berry makes a good partner for Bond. She even gets a sweet swimsuit moment. But the faux-Richard Branson villain doesn’t put it completely over the top.
The Blu-ray experience is perfect for the espionage action. You’re able to see the details. The color on the first three reflect the lush Technicolor hues. This is almost like being back in the screening room running the 35mm prints of Bond. If you’re on the fence about upgrading your Bonds, each title includes a coupon good for a free ticket to Quantum of Solace.
?DVD SHELF
A Threevening with Kevin Smith is nearly five hours of Kevin Smith talking on stage in Jersey. Bruce Springsteen is an awe of that showtime. He opens up with riff on Cookiepuss. He talks the audience through a tour of his hometown on his 37th birthday. It’s touching when he introduces her mom after talking about his parents’ sex life. He tells plenty of stories about working on Live Free or Die Hard and making Clerks II. Learn the truth about Bruce Willis and Kevin’s “rewrite.” The big bonus feature is a question and answer session with the audience. He won’t be making a sequel to Dogma. A Threevening with Kevin Smith is the perfect Christmas gift for grandma.
The Wild Wild West: The Complete TV Series brings together all four seasons along with the two reunion movies. This show mixed cowboy action with secret agent cool. Instead of merely dealing with outlaws and rustlers, Jim West (Robert Conrad) and Artemis Gordon (Ross Martin) had to expose and defeat diabolical madmen. Their biggest villain was the diminutive Dr. Lovelace (Michael Dunn) Unfortunately Dunn died before the reunion movies so for Wild Wild West Revisited Paul Williams (Smokey and the Bandit) plays his son. For once Williams is too tall for a part. Shields and Yarnell mime out killer robot action. More Wild Wild West has Jonathan Winters wrapped up in the case. The split personality comic wants to conquer the world. He has plenty of death scenes in the opening minutes. The films are extremely low budget when compare to Will Smith’s feature film version, but they’re infinitely more entertaining. Conrad and Martin still had a great repartee no matter how campy the moment. The Wild Wild West: The Complete TV Series boxes up one of my favorite shows.
The 4400: The Complete Series brings together the USA network show about 4,400 people who return to earth after being abducted by aliens. They have each been given a strange new gift by their hosts. The government fears that these returning citizens will lead to the end of civilization as we know it. I got hooked on the show. Word has it that the show was canceled because of the writer’s strike made its release schedule impossible. By the time the channel could get back on the air, Conchita Campbell would be old enough to star on Golden Girls: The Next Generation. At least the final episode does feel like a finale versus a cliffhanger.
Black Magic documents the rise of African-Americans in the sport of basketball. Director Dan Klores (Crazy Love) compiles a fast break of interviews with major players and vintage clips. It’s hard for most viewers to remember a time when basketball was dominated by white guys not named Larry Bird. The film shows how the desegregation on the hard court reflected the changes in America. There’s respect given to the racial integration work of Red Auerbach of the Boston Celtics. Earl “the Pearl” Monroe shows off his legendary skills. The Michael Jordan explosion is perfectly captured. The bonus features include extended interviews, ESPN’s quickie basketball bios and the Apollo Theater premiere. This is perfect for fans to watch instead of those pre-season NBA games.
The Alice Faye Collection, Volume 2 revives one of the cutest song birds from World War II era cinema. Alice Faye’s characters take part in the early days of Vaudeville, radio, cinema, dance halls and USO tours. The five films in the boxset include Rose of Washington Square, Hollywood Cavalcade, The Great American Broadcast, Hello Frisco, Hello and Four Jills and a Jeep. What excites me about this collection is a chance to basic in the greatness of William Frawley on Rose of Washington Square. St. Frawley dresses dapper for his role. Phil Silvers plays the jeep driver in Four Jills and a Jeep. You’ll get a kick out of the bonus feature documentary that hints that two of the Jills hooked up with each other during the shoot. Finally there’s Cesar Romero working his latin lover action on Faye in The Great American Broadcast. This is the perfect gift for the TCM addict in your life.
The Little Rascals: The Complete Collection has all 80 episodes produced by Hal Roach that used to always be on TV. There were a batch of later ones that MGM made. Even as an adult, it’s fun to crack open a bottle of Jack Daniels and laugh at Spanky and his gang. These kids were a handful. It goes great with The Three Stooges, Volume 4.
The L Word: The Complete Fifth Season focuses on Jenny (Mia Kirshner) directing the movie about her lesbian (and bisexual) friends. Everybody gets upset at this invasion of their lives by actors studying them. Pam Grier gets back to her Coffy roots when she breaks out the hardware to take down an evil competitor. While the writers keep Jenny as a hardcore pain, she has her soft moment. The best of these occurs when she and the star of her film (Kate French) get buck wild in a tent. You’ll appreciate being able to watch this moment with the clarity of DVD. Why isn’t Mia Kirshner constantly being worshipped on the covers of People and Us? She has the eyes of a goddess. It’s moments like the tent scene that make Frip thankful that The L Word is on Showtime and not toned down for FX.
Hank and Mike cracked me up. Thomas Michael and Paolo Mancini are Easter bunnies. They screw up on an egg delivery and find themselves laid off during a round of cutbacks at the Easter Corporation. The two guys have to find real jobs. But what can you do when being an Easter bunny is the main thing on the resume? The duo are perfectly mismatched. This is Bad Santa for the Easter season.
Death Defying Acts: Houdini’s Secret comes out almost in time for the 82nd anniversary of the escape artist’s death. I’ve got to wonder how this film starring Guy Pearce (Memento) as Houdini vanished from the theater so quick. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a stage psychic that has an affair with Houdini in hopes of getting the edge for a $10,000 reward. The payoff happens if she can guess the final words of Houdini’s dead mother. Will he talk in his sleep? It’s a complicated enough romance to not disappear after the DVD ends.
Ringside Muhammad Ali has 4 DVDs filled with the Greatest’s greatest fights. Included in the footage is “Rumble in the Jungle,” “Thrilla in Manilla” and “The Fight of the Century.” Ali battles Foreman, Fraizer and Leon Spinks. This reminds you of a time when heavyweight boxing meant something. It’s not merely that Ali had a passion and personality, but so did his opponents. Brian Kenny, Bert Randolph Sugar and guests break down the ring work. The documentary about Ali includes plenty of footage of Howard Cosell joking around with the champ.
Elmo’s Christmas Countdown proves that Ben Stiller can be everywhere at once. This time he’s been turned into a Muppet. He’s Stiller the Elf. He teams up with Elmo and Abby Cadabby to save Christmas. Seems they have this magic Christmas Counter-Downer. It’s missing a few boxes. Stiller must find those boxes or Christmas is a bust. With today’s economy, they should have had an alternate ending where there is no Christmas so parents have an excuse for not buying that pony. In a really weird twist, Sopranos alumni Steve Schirripa and Tony Sirico appear. Did you know in mobster families, on Christmas morning the kids rush out of their houses and onto the street to see what fell off the back of Santa’s Sleigh? Paulie Walnuts and the Muppets will entertain the entire family. Also coming out is Pinky Dinky Doo: Polka Dot Pox. It’s a little kid animated show starring a little girl, her even younger brother and their guinea pig. Even though the girl has a kid brains, when she thinks hard, her brain gets bigger till she gets the right idea. Wow. It’s like Homer Simpson in reverse. There’s no Sopranos regulars in this series from the Sesame Street folks.
Shrek The Halls brings last year’s surprisingly good TV holiday special to DVD. Shrek (Mike Myers) realizes there’s no way his princess wife (Cameron Diaz) and kids will blow off the holiday season. Shrek gets a book to help do Christmas right for his family. But Donkey decides to add his flavor to the punch. The jokes come fast and often. Puss in Boots becomes Santa Zorro.
Girlfriends: The Fifth Season opens up with Tina being pregnant and Todd swearing he isn’t the daddy. She wants to patch things up, but he wants a divorce. Nobody seems too happy on this show even though this is a comedy. Al Sharpton has a cameo in “The Rabbit Died.” There’s 22 episodes on 3 DVDs. There were 8 seasons of the series.
Sister Sister: The First Season takes us back to the time when the Mowry twins (Tia & Tamera) were the darlings of primetime. They play twin sisters adopted by two different people. They meet by chance and decide they can’t live apart. They plot to have their adoptive parents move into together. It’s like The Parent Trap meets Blind Date. Who are these parental units? Why it’s Jackee Harry from 227 and Tim Reid of WKRP in Cincinnati. Remember how cool he was a Venus Flytrap when he’d lean over Loni Anderson’s desk? Once more Tim would play a supporting role to a pair of twins. Sister, Sister lasted six seasons. This boxset has the dozen freshmen episodes on 2 DVDs.
JAG: The Seventh Season brings more military justice to the small screen. I mostly remember watching this show to see Catherine Bell in a uniform. Did she wear standard issue? This is the season where Bell and David James Elliott find themselves single again. There’s constant hints that they might want to file more than legal briefs. There’s a huge caseload around the globe as the Navy legal eagles solve cases wherever there’s water and trouble. In case you’re curious, JAG was on the air for 10 seasons.
Red shows what happens when you mess with a man’s dog. Actually it shows that you shouldn’t mess with the dog owned by a guy who played Hannibal Lecter (Brian Cox). Three teenage creeps hold up Cox. The casualty of their armed robbery is Cox’s dog named Red. He hunts down the kids and finds out their father is Tom Sizemore. Dad won’t make right so Cox has to given them a “spanking.” Cox gives one of those perfect subtle performances even when the violence goes over the top. You feel it when he loses it. Anyone that ever lost a dog will feel Cox’s pain. Supporting roles from Delaney Williams (The Wire‘s Sgt, Landsman), Richard Riehle (Grounded for Life) and Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) make this small film deserve a larger audience.
Return to Sleepaway Camp reminds us why it’s better to spend summers at home in the air conditioned glory of the family room playing wii sports. Any film that opens with summer campers lighting their farts gets my attention. Although there should be a warning that your butt doesn’t become a human blow torch. Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo) from the original Sleepaway Camp realizes that the gruesome deaths of folks at his new camp kinda remind him of his past. Working nearby is Ricky Backer (Jonathan Tiesten) who survived the first film. Will they find the latest terror by the lake? The camp is run by Vincent Pastore (The Sopranos‘ Big Pussy). He does well playing the clueless leader. In a strange bit of casting weirdness, Isaac Hayes plays “The Chef.” He’s wearing a red shirt, blue jeans and a white apron. Turns out this was his final film gig so in a way, he was able to “retire” the Chef character from South Park instead of having him go out as a brainwashed child predator. How many people have to die at a summer camp before parents pick up their children? Was this camp’s penalty for early withdrawal that stiff?
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October 29th, 2008 at 2:42 am
[…] Party Favors: The Ranch Hand This reminds you of a time when heavyweight boxing meant something. It’s not merely that Ali had a passion and personality, but so did his opponents. Brian Kenny, Bert Randolph Sugar and guests break down the ring work. … […]