FRED Entertainment

Director: George Clooney
Cast: George Clooney, Matt Damon, Amanda Peet, Chris Cooper, William Hurt
Release: December 9, 2005
Synopsis: A political thriller that unfolds against the intrigue of the global oil industry. From the players brokering back-room deals in Washington to the men toiling in the oil fields of the Persian Gulf, the film’s multiple storylines weave together to illuminate the human consequences of the fierce pursuit of wealth and power. Each plays their small part in the vast and complex system that powers the industry, unaware of the explosive impact their lives will have upon the world.

Prognosis: Positive. There are George Clooney haters out there.

There are some who think that the guy shouldn’t be messing around with properties like his remake of NETWORK, a film which portended the vile and tabloidish way “news” is reported to the masses, that his films at times can be overly indulgent and that he used to rock a mullet on that one show with that girl named Tootie and that stuck-up blonde chick who now puts hot sauce on her kids’ mouths to discipline them. I don’t see an issue with any of these things, as he atoned for his Kentucky Mud Flap by keeping it short for many of his films, but I honestly think that Clooney is mistakenly written off by many people for his work. The guy’s skills are wickedly sharp, his directing of flicks like CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND was commendable beyond comment, OCEAN’S ELEVEN is movie which you have to admit can be re-watched again and again and again by understanding that Clooney helps to bring it all together but it is flicks like this, trailers like this, which really challenge any critic to sit down and rethink their positions.

When we open up and get the woman’s voiceover which asks us to imagine a world where 30% of American households are unable to heat their homes or the idea of us having to pay $20 at the pump for a gallon of gasoline.

“It’s running out, and 90% of what’s left is in the Middle East”

Matt Damon provides a nice, subdued, yet tinged with bravado, moment as he talks at someone who appears to be of Middle Eastern descent as they look out a window. As Damon says about this being a fight to the death a much paunchier Clooney strolls down a narrow street as a car explodes behind him. He doesn’t look, he doesn’t flinch, he just keeps on walking.

The piss poor 5-grade Photoshop lettering which lets us know that the brain trust behind TRAFFIC are responsible for this vision is excused for what happens as this graphic goes away.

In much the same way that TRAFFIC had a kinesthetic feel to it, like the part when Michael Douglas is speaking to a lot of the real politicians like Barbara Boxer, Orrin Hatch and Charles Grassley were talking to him, the same can be said when Clooney starts to mastermind a plot to kidnap the same Middle Easterner from the beginning of this trailer. The accompanying visuals which go along the play by play, which looks like they used the same SUV’s from TRAFFIC, is a real nice touch to this moment.

Damon has a nice speaking piece as he couches the entire issue of what oil production has meant to America and what we will do get what we want as he pinpoints what many people think of oil producing countries and their history. It’s sharp.

Jeffrey Wright, who is really one of the best working actors that I’ve seen in the last few years, gets introduced and it honestly feels like his is a character that is like Russell Crowe’s in THE INSIDER. He almost seems like he’s above it all, an innocent victim who is just trying to understand it all, but the whole time things are going on with him the context for what this film is all about, oil and its production and our willingness to do anything to get it, rings too loud for anyone to not notice its relevancy to events which are transpiring right now.

This almost doesn’t seem like a movie as it does a Hollywood embellishment of what we all think is happening behind oil magnates’ corporate boardroom doors.

This trailer takes an unexpected turn on a dime as Clooney, himself, becomes the kidnapped and he the prey. Now, why he’s being interrogated to give names, soaking wet like Danny Glover and Mel Gibson in LETHAL WEAPON right before Al Leong, Mr. Endo, gets all electrocutioner on their ass, I don’t have any clue why this is happening. Although, as the money shots, the real dramatic, meaty moments start unraveling at the end there is a moment when orders are given to take Clooney out from this bunker-type war room that can see him remotely; it’s the REAL GENIUS/popcorn scene all over again. Plus, George is trying to get the attention of a passing car, the one slated for mass destruction, and I think back to the Damon Wayans/Bruce Willis classic LAST BOY SCOUT. I’m not saying there was any cribbing going on here, ladies and gentlemen, but I do find the similarities in the execution a tad suspicious.

Now, even though this film has nothing to do with the Val Kilmer/Tony Scott opuses, opi, if you will, I can reccomend this flick, sight unseen, just based on the weighty performances I can read between the lines here. George Clooney haters? Let them try to be after this year is finished.

Director: James Gartner
Cast: Josh Lucas, Derek Luke, Austin Nichols, Jon Voight
Release: January 13, 2006
Synopsis: GLORY ROAD tells the inspiring true story of the underdog Texas Western basketball team, with history’s first all African American starting lineup of players, who took the country by storm, surprisingly winning the 1966 NCAA tournament title. Josh Lucas stars as Hall of Famer Don Haskins, the passionately dedicated college basketball coach that changed the history of basketball with his team’s victory in this time of innocence.

Prognosis: Sappy. May induce diabetic shock. I don’t know what it is about Disney and their need to make so many movies which are “Inspired by a True Story” but I do long for the days when they could go back to making flicks like CONDORMAN or THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG.

Things, obviously, they do a change and I guess this just represents a new avenue for them. What gets to me, however, is that this movie, much like REMEMBER THE TITANS (an awfully saccharine foray into the nature of race relations couched in the language of football) and MIRACLE (an awfully saccharine foray into the nature of the polemics which existed between nations who weren’t seeing eye-to-eye) is that this follows the same kind of filmmaking. It’s just like a blend of TITANS, MIRACLE and a dash of COACH CARTER. I’m not the one who goes out to buy a ticket so I am left to assume there is a market for movies which tell the same story. And I don’t mean to be hard on this flick, I’m not, and I am even impressed by Josh Lucas, an actor who is really evolving well in this profession. In fact, I really like the vibe of the trailer. It’s the kind of film I EASILY could see a family packing up the car to go see.

Texas, 1965.

Josh is playing b-ball with his young kid on his dusty driveway. He passes the ball to his mute little boy who is barely able to walk and gets him right in the head. I surprise myself when I laugh but I like the way we’re entering Josh’s world.

We waste no time in establishing that he has packed up his family to move to a school to coach basketball. It’s shown that he was a winning coach but, as the frame cuts, we see it was only in the women’s league. Quickly, we cut back to Josh walking down a men’s dormitory at said college, his wife gasping at the towel-clad dudes strolling down the hallway, as the voiceover saying his family has no other housing choices but to stay in the men’s dorm. Mental note: get wife to obtain employment at women’s college across town, preferably in gymnastics or volleyball. What I like about the whole “blown up” aspect of putting Josh’s family in this situation is that it feels fun. The cinematography has a golden hue to it and I can’t help but feel a certain playfulness with which the way this movie is being sold.

And then it happens. Josh has voiceover duties as he says he needs to change everything the team used to do before, including who they recruit. Of course here there is a change in visual hue, going from gold to a cobalt blue, as we see that Josh is talking about recruiting black talent. Now, it’s a pink elephant in the room and I understand that no one is coming out to say it but it’s true: a team of white dudes versus a team of black dudes shouldn’t make a difference but for the purposes of this movie it is the catalyst of all the events which will follow from here on out.

Of course Josh sees the talent in these guys who no one else wanted, making it seem like they were just ignorant schools who couldn’t spot talent in a line-up when in fact it was because they were racist pigs who needed to have a piece of broken wet hose slapped across their collective nuts, and, of course, the white kids see our black friends as oddities. The white crackers appear to never have seen a black person up close as a collective bunch of them literally squeeze themselves against a wall of glass, like they’re looking at an animal in a zoo, and awe at the splendor of dudes who will, no doubt, show who has the real skillz.

Now, we start rolling through the actual execution of these players “coming together” and we get Josh saying how hard his brand of basketball is; his intonation of this line kind of creeped me out. Oh, and the requisite, the absolute neccessary compent of any sports movie, the screaming coach, being all bombastic for the camera, gets a full-on showcase here as he flexes his lungs. Josh also thinks that having one of the college students’ mothers go along with him to his classes to make sure he brings up his grades is not only wise but amusing as all fuck.

Cue the inspirational music as we head to the end, the slow-mo of our dudes dunking and I am genuinely suprised that the Disney folks decided to put the pink elephant right in the trailer as we hear that this is a true story becuase this marks the first time five black players came out to represent in an NCAA tourney. Bravo, dudes, for having the minerals to speaketh thy name.

Yeah, it looks about as enlighting and informative as the IT’S A SMALL WORLD ride at Disney proper but these genre flicks serve an audience who like seeing padded tales of inspiration.

Director: Fruit Chan, Takashi Miike, Chan-wook Park
Cast: Byung-hun Lee, Hye-jeong Kang, Jung-ah Yum
Release: October 28, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: An Asian cross-cultural trilogy of horror films from accomplished indie directors.

Prognosis: Oh my. You know whose singular vision of horror really skeeved me out as a kid? Tom Petty.

That blonde, David Spade-in-a-taffy-pulling-machine, dude just blew my mind up with his video for “Don’t Come Around Here No More.” Besides being a poor role model for my eventual foray into English education, his abuse of double negatives left something to be desired, his video for this song became the basis for every other visual which came after it if it used black and white floor tiling, to say nothing of the band’s gorging of Alice when she is turned into that really tasty looking cake. I know, it sounds completely bizarre and it’s like how dudes associate the smell of freshly cooked halibut to their glory days with their nympho girlfriends but this trailer for THREE EXTREMES triggered the same sympathetic response I get when I watched that video all those years ago.

Thankfully, it still jives with my viewing because this trailer is all about the weird.

When we begin we look out onto an icy plane. It looks cold, barren and quite minimalist. It’s creepy. FARGO creepy. When we tighten in on what’s happening we see someone filling in a shallow grave. I like that there is no sound other than the “ka-chunk” of someone scooping another shovelful of dirt back into the hole they created. There isn’t any context for what this all means but I like it.

A woman with a scarf wrapped around a 1/3 of her head walks slowly through a hallway. She dons a coat and, again, it just feels cold. The sounds of the wind whipping through the place is enough to couch everything in the right way.

We see a carnival. There isn’t anyone there but we see the big tent, dirt on the ground, wooden rider where a barker might try to get you to see the Chicken Lady or the Bearded Midget, and there is a colorful box on the ground where, possibly, the woman who was all muffled up before reels from what she sees when she opens the spooky container.

Some crazy looking Asian looks up at me as she slurps something red, like an oyster with a dollop of raspberry jam on it, and, instead of feeling, “Ooo, that’s spooky!” I am getting annoyed with the lack of information. It’s a crazy visual but there’s nothing grounding me to why I should feel one way or another. But then, just as quickly as we meet Staring Asian Woman, we switch to someone who looks all sorts of jacked up in a body cast. The person is positioned on a piano bench, sitting in front of one, as they’re attached to a series of strings. These strings, dozens of them, jut out in all sorts of directions. Is this person tethered to something? Don’t know, there isn’t any voiceover. When The Voice does decide to pop in, giving me nothing more than a, “”¦comes one singularly terrifying”¦” Blah blah blah. I’ve heard this jive before. In between seeing the black and white flooring from the Tom Petty video I see someone who might be the same strange Asian Slurping Woman supping on some dudes neck. The trailer makers get some thumbs up from me for adding in the sound effects of what that noshing might sound like if you had a vampire wired for audio.

We get more discordant images of Tom Petty tile, a guy holding up a Zippo for some available light, a woman and girl holding onto each other because something spooky might be happening (although it looks like the woman has the girl in a headlock position which would be advantageous to snapping her neck like a Wayne Brady on Chapelle’s Show) and a half-dozen more “What the fuck?” shots which don’t get you any closer to finding anything out about this film.

Now, I’d like to say that this is a slam dunk kind of film and, to me, it is but I can honestly see some people shying away from seeing this only because we don’t know what the hell is happening. Yes, Virginia, even in movies like this the target audience does deserve more than just spooky money shots if they think they’re going to get their money from them. I just happen to know from word of mouth that this is a really good flick and so it already has mine.

Director: Roger Kumble
Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris
Release: November 23, 2005
Synopsis: The romantic comedy JUST FRIENDS stars Ryan Reynolds as a former high school geek turned trendy Los Angeles music executive. When he gets stranded in his New Jersey home town due to bad weather with a superstar singer he is trying to sign, he finds himself reunited with his high school crush and discovers she is his true love.

Prognosis: Negative. Hmm”¦Can’t say this was anything special.

I think I want this to be funny, I do. VAN WILDER was everything it should’ve been and everything else Ryan Reynolds has done since then follows the same approach. There is a certain cookie-cutter quality to his films, in much the same way Adam Sandler has a corner of the doofus with a heart of gold market, but that isn’t meant to take anything away from him. He’s good at what he does but I just don’t feel anything either way after watching this trailer.

We start off by seeing Ryan enjoying his wonderful life. He is a successful music producer and has the double-teaming chicks to prove it. It’s awfully superficial but I guess it’s important to have about as shallow of understanding of our protagonist as possible when we’re talking about shallow comedies. Oh, and he’s absolutely irresistible to the ladies. Even the ones who already have dudes are attracted to his thin manliness. And this is when we find out that he wasn’t always this way. He, gasp!, used to be fat. The “I Swear” lip-sync that Ryan does as we transition to his past is amusing as is Amy Smart’s protestation that even though Ryan looks about as fugly as you could possibly make him she really loves him, like a brother.

We transition back to thin Ryan as he heads to his old home with the “hottest” pop singer in teh whole wide world, this being an obnoxious as a plot twist as that could be, and eventually finds out, double gasp!, that Smart still lives there. He has a chance to make this right again with her but this whole pop star girlfriend thing puts a cramp in his style.

Anyway, somehow we have Ryan on the ice, battling some 12 year-olds in a game of hockey. This, of course, turns ugly as Ryan gets a beat down from a kiddie. I’m not sure how this all pertains to the plot but when AMERICAN PIE’s Chris Klein comes into the same situation as Ryan is I am just scrambling to keep all these plot threads together. Chris is after Amy as well and you can only imagine the things which will happen from here.

Like I said earlier I am just not sure what to make of this film. You’ve really got to rate this one on the Doug and Bob McKenzie Beer Scale of how many it will take to get a guffaw or chuckle (neither of which really exist but you get me) out of this turkey.

Director: Hany Abu-Assad
Cast: Kais Nashef, Ali Suliman, Lubna Azabal, Amer Hlehel, Hiam Abbass5
Release: October 28th, 2005
Synopsis: The story of two young Palestinian men as they embark upon what may be the last 48 hours of their lives. On a typical day in the West Bank city of Nablus, where daily life grinds on amidst crushing poverty and the occasional rocket blast, we meet two childhood best friends on their way to carrying out a strike in Tel Aviv.

Prognosis: Positive. I am absolutely tired, mentally, of hearing how Palestinians and Israelis find that tit for tatting with regards to coming to an end of the conflict that separates the two independent states is acceptable.

Just growing up in America you’d have to admit that if you really weren’t an informed, educated adult that you would see one side or the other as the obvious aggressor in this conflict. I wouldn’t even dream of taking sides on this, as I don’t live there and only know what my totally honest, forthright, un-biased government and news media have to tell me.

I do know, though, that I like this trailer a lot. It evokes something that I think is now relevant to all of us as we hear about IEDs in Iraq and the nature of suicide bombers as they make headlines on a near daily basis. What at first I thought was going to be a flick about two dudes, just look at the poster, and one I was going to roll right through, the mood is heavy right from the beginning.

“From the most unexpected place comes a bold new call for peace”

First of all, I have to disagree with the statement. Yeah, it’d be great to have these two states come together but it should be obvious to anyone with half their brain left that it’s going to take action, not a call. It’s all semantics but you can see where this coming from.

The opening shot is wonderful, though. You take a look at this tightly packed city, buildings upon buildings in a valley, like a desert-style Hong Kong in full golden glory. You get an idea of the space in which this movie takes place.

Geographically specific music coats the scenes we see: a couple of men meet on the street wearing suits; a beautiful woman passes a border soldier in full body armor; a line of people walk down a path off a hill only to grab cover when an explosion happens off camera.

The music grows in intensity when we see a freedom fighter getting his picture taken in a darkened room, his machine gun hoisted high, his face vacant of any emotion. We see our woman once more as she rides a bus looking forlorn. Machine gun guy and another dude have their beards shaved. Something very bad is about to go down and the application of plastic explosives to the chest of a willing suicide bomber really intensify what’s happening on the screen.

The two men don clothing which will help them submerge into the populace they are trying to strike against. They have haircuts, suits and nice looking demeanors. The two of them, we’re told, are longtime friends.

Things, though, take a sharp turn when we see one of the guys acting erratic; he’s running along a hillside; he’s almost getting into a car accident; he has some woman flipping out on him. The latter is probably due to the fact he’s told her about what he’s planning on doing.

One of the suicide bombers sits at a bus stop and waits for it to arrive. He has his hand at the ready on the trigger which will no doubt detonate his armament. You’re just waiting for him to go boom when you see a kid getting off the bus. He slows his hand down. We cut to Good Looking Woman just lost in her thoughts. We come back to our suicide man on the bus, this time looking like he’s ruminating on something important.

The screen throws us back in time. The two men, their hair clearly curly and mussed, share a smoke on a hill looking out at a sunset. There is peace in their sitting. The slow, acoustic music playing in the background is soothing.

The tail end of this trailer is just as powerful as its beginning and I have to think, having read so many other news stories or seen snippets on the nightly news, that this is one tale that I hope makes its way to this part of the world where it seems so distant yet poignant considering what’s going on in our lives today.

Director: Thomas Bezucha
Cast: Claire Danes, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Dermot Mulroney, Craig T. Nelson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson
Release: November 4, 2005
Synopsis: The comedy revolves around the annual holiday gathering of a bohemian family that’s thrown into turmoil when the fair-haired son introduces his fiancée, a high strung New York businesswoman whom the family hates.

Prognosis: Gak! There are a lot of times when I compare a flick to something you’ve already seen so as to give you, the audience, an idea of where it’s coming from. I like to wait until I’m near finished with my review to break it down but there are cases, like this one, where I can’t allow things to begin without first writing down in which vein this one exists. From the top:

FATHER OF THE BRIDE
SEX AND THE CITY
MEET THE PARENTS
CHRISTMAS VACATION
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER (THE WHITE VERSION)
And…
Every movie could ever think of where you have someone who has to meet a family for the first time, is nervous about it and finds out that the family is filled with a bunch of eccentrics. Let the zany, wacky, unhinged-ness begin.

Oy.

I can see why the ladies like having movies of their own to look forward to and I don’t mean to disparage them here, as I do like a good one every now and then, but there’s something played out about the premise of this film.

When we start the scene is all beset with the trappings of a terrible cliché. You’ve got Jessica going to meet Dermot’s family for the first time, again a movie where you have two people dating for long enough to get engaged but not long enough to go meet mom and dad. I understand there are Shakespearian love throngs where some people find themselves overwhelmed with desire for another individual and there is simply no time for formalities but, God damn, if my girl was dating some dude I would think, if I wasn’t responsible for her leaving the house, she’d want me to meet the guy early on.

Oh well, such is Hollywood.

So, you have the crazy, eccentric family. You have some members of the fam already talking smack about Jessica, who is showing signs of a woman desperately trying to hold onto the CITY look which is either slipping away from her or was just badly put together by her make-up artist, and you can tell by the family’s daughter that she’s out to really make things difficult; this means you can expect some zany situations, if you haven’t already figured that out.

You already have the bitchy sister who verbally won’t relent in making it known that Jessica looks like she was imported from a Jackie-O fashion show, circa 1968, with the attitude to match, but there is also Luke Wilson who seems to be written as the guy who will try to/not to but inadvertently take her away from Dermot. The lingering stare at the bottom of the stairs that he has with Jessica standing at the top is at once obvious and sad. I know that women everywhere find these kinds of formulas the best things, evar, but I do have to say that the trailer does follow the formula for Crappy Shameless Christmas Grab For Your Cash quite nicely.

What’s really hard for me to understand is why the producer of SIDEWAYS would, first, think that since SIDEWAYS was obviously done for the love of the story that the story is not important as long as you get enough zeros at the end of that payday and why, after we get so many people talking in this thing, that Claire Danes gets first billing. It’s alphabetical, I know that, but she doesn’t say a damn word. At all. Who is she and why is she there? I dunno. Trailer Guy didn’t hip me to it. Frustrating. Oh, and the part where all the girls are laughing with one another, after Jessica and Rachel McAdams swore their unyielding hatred for one another, and giggling on the floor? Lame. Every woman who cries at Kodak commercials will find this ending irresistible and I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy who will get sucked into this film because of it.

Director: Julian Jarrold
Cast: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Linda Bassett, Josh Cole, Joel Edgerton, Sarah Jane Potts
Release: October 7, 2005 (UK)
Synopsis: A man finds an unlikely ally in Lola, a brassy cabaret singer, in his effort to save his father’s shoe factory.

Prognosis: Positive. “Sex shouldn’t be comfy!”

I agree.

It SHOULD provoke the kind of pain that is at once painful and deliriously enjoyable. But, that’s not what is at issue here. What is, however, is the premise of this film which posits that a new line of footwear is desperately needed in order to save the blue collar jobs of some loyal employees of a shoe manufacturer.

What seems, I know, on the surface as a boring, trite and all together lame kind of movie really does deserve a look-see by the viewers out there as this trailer gives us the newest performance by Nick Frost of SHAWN OF THE DEAD fame. Nick was the other 50% of the reason why SHAWN is so re-watch-able again and again. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The voiceover in this movie is tenderly tendered by our protagonist, a humble sounding Englishman who wants to tell us a story. Again, it almost seems enough to make a dude want to go see the trailer for DOOM again but stick with it. The words “Inspired by a true story” always manage to wrangle an extra quarter or two out of my stingy time pocket and I’m glad I did.

We quickly come to the crux of the film in that the premise is based on the fact that a very traditional shoe shop needs a new product and a woman in nice looking heels will be the inspiration which will allow them to do that all the while with Nick being the antagonizing force behind it all; he does that part extraordinarily well. While Nick drools over the prospect of getting him some of that sensual loving, the trailer leading you to believe he really would fancy a night of some of that, the tempo changes the moment our “lady” really turns out to be a dude; a dude who, prior to revealing that information, lovingly situated himself in Nick’s lap. The look on Nick’s face is at once to be expected and, as well, to be utterly amusing.

The rest of the trailer plays itself as a jaunty comedy, much like in the vein of THE FULL MONTY, without the man-ass. The man behind the movement to bring CALENDAR GIRLS the world to us is responsible for this and while that isn’t a smashing or ringing endorsement for anyone here to rush out and get tickets it is enough for me to categorically state that the whole point of the Trailer Park is to point out when the advertising gets it right or wrong.

It may not be gripping or exciting but the blokes who slapped this one together should be commended on getting the right bits together to send to an audience who are looking for an easy time at the cinema. If that means those people get a little more exposure to Nick Frost then I say they are better off for it.

Director: Ang Lee
Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Linda Cardellini, Anna Faris, Anne Hathaway, Randy Quaid, Michelle Williams
Release: December 9, 2005
Synopsis: The new film from Academy Award-winning director Ang Lee. An epic love story set against the sweeping vistas of Wyoming and Texas, Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two young men ““ a ranch-hand and a rodeo cowboy ““ who meet in the summer of 1963, and unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, one whose complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.

Prognosis: Positive. Rump wranglers.

There, it’s out there and it’s out of the way.

Before I had ever seen one frame of footage from this movie all I ever got to hear was how this was a movie based on some gay cowboys. Apart from imagining Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal playing The Bone Ranger and trying to think about what was going to be inserted into, or left out of, the final print was perhaps the one thing on my mind.

In the climate of people having to pull back on the kinds of “art” which is allowable by the true Scorpion Kings, the MPAA, before receiving a ratings lashing I was on the lookout for anything which may have been done with the final print. Since I didn’t hear a peep I am left to assume that this is the version which I’ll be seeing in a coupe of months.

I’m glad that the ads are just like this one.

It’s hard to be completely non-judgmental, mentally, about seeing this trailer for the first time because I honestly was thinking the whole time I was watching it that I wanted to see these dudes engage one another. Now, as to if that meant a peck on the cheek or something which I know would raise the temperature of those in the red states of America I don’t know. I just know that because the movie was talked about so much in that regard I was expecting it; hoping to see it right out of the gate. I didn’t get that and I am glad I didn’t.

The trailer takes a very exacting approach to its development. We start at the beginning and work our way into how these men drew closer to one another. The other caveat I offer is that I hate cowboy movies. I don’t hate them, that’s pretty strong, but I just can’t stand them for some reason. They just seem false to me. DANCES WITH WOLVES, LAST OF THE MOCHICANS, that one with Sharon Stone, I just didn’t like them. This, though, doesn’t seem so “western,” if I could use that designation, as it does a character profile, something which just happens to be set in this kind of environment and is not caught up in it.

Jake and Heath meet quite innocently enough, Ang’s visuals already at work in the opening sequence as we establish these men’s lives. They bond, homosocially, at first, the way all men label bonding when they think of how they dig hanging out with this or that guy. The friendship is there first and foremost and I think that was important to show here. It grounds the rest of the story and I hope people can see that’s what happening.

Then, out of nowhere, there is the moment which evokes that Del O’Griffith/hotel bed/between two pillows record scratch. It’s tastefully done, doing more than just hinting but doing less than showing you everything, but the morning after for these guys doesn’t seem very loving. It’s downright frigid and I can’t/can understand why they want to bury what happened between them.

The trailer does a wonderful job of pushing on that fast forward button ever so slightly. A nice musical interlude carries us through many years of Heath and Jake’s closeted heterosexual lives, Heath spawning two little kids in the process, but we come to the hard part, the moment we’re all too keen and hip about: they’re gonna do it again. And they do. Heath is like a little woman as he tries to put his arm around Jake’s neck, it would be downright hilarious if it wasn’t so serious, and when Michelle Williams, Heath’s “wife” accuses him of doing “more than fishing” with Jake, the man goes ballistic.

The last moments are perfectly constructed, carefully weaving so many different money shots that it feels more like the displays of a great director at work than it does shameless wool pulling by the trailer makers who would just as soon show you the best moments they’ve got and have nothing else.

There seems to be a lot more here and it shows.

Director: Katrina Holden Bronson
Cast: Elizabeth Banks, Laura Cayouette, Kick Gurry, Ken Jackson, Johnny Knoxville, David Koechner, Juliette Lewis
Release: September 25, 2005
Synopsis: From executive producer Quentin Tarantino comes Johnny Knoxville as Daltry Calhoun. Daltry is the go to guy, the man with a plan. A man who’s life, and failing grass seed empire, takes an unexpected turn with the arrival of a young daughter he never knew. With his life thrown into complete chaos, Daltry must try and figure out how to save his business while at the same time learning to be the father he never thought he could be.

Prognosis: Ah, no. I didn’t think that Miramax puts out films like these. Oh, and Quentin Tarantino is the executive producer on this but I don’t see anything coming close that would indicate this flick has his stamp of approval.

It’s not a knock, I don’t mean it to be, but this seems like a film more suited to MTV Films’ imprint than it does the studio which has brought so many artistic visions to the screen. This film is the simulacrum, if you will, of all that I assumed Miramax was. That’s okay, though, because we’re all here to broaden our filmic horizons and where better to start than with a Johnny Knoxville vehicle. And I’ll be honest about this as well: I loved Jackass. I loved the television show, I loved the movie, twice I liked the movie in theaters, and I genuinely think that Johnny is a great entertainer. This trailer, though, subdues that or hides it entirely behind this façade of an entertainer trying hard not to entertain while donning an actor’s mask. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

We start out with Johnny on television while watching him from the fake television set. It’s all very 4th wall-ish but I assume it is in play here as to show how his role is that of a man who sells grass, “the legal kind,” as the trailer so amusingly points out.

What’s a little strange is that his character’s rise from nothingness to greatness involves him being a great businessman in this small town where this story takes place. There’s nothing really remarkable about this po-dunk backwater but Knoxville is revered as the town’s success story. He’s rich and he has access to a bikini wearing Juliette Lewis straddling a motorcycle but he freaks out, refusing the tempestuous and tantalizing vittles which I am sure she wants to offer up to his consumption. Things get a little weird as we try and understand exactly what kind of person Knoxville is playing. Is it a straight-laced yuppie that we’re to assume has never had any kind of real thrill in his life? I don’t believe or buy it.

We don’t linger too long, unfortunately, on Juliette as we are whisked away to Johnny trying to create a golf course which will displace Augusta as the location where the Master’s are played every year. What’s disappointing is that before we can really simmer on the idea of what exactly it is we’re seeing we get Hollywood’s “IT” girl, Elizabeth Banks, interjecting out of nowhere that, as a former love interest of Johnny’s, he is now responsible for a girl he never knew he had. The girl in question is, of course, one of these good looking kids which are always the case for people who find out they have a kid years later after they skate out on the kids’ mothers.

What’s more, or less, depending on your view, is that this girl is talented and Banks wants to move in with Knoxville for a while, for some reason, I haven’t a clue as to why it’s kosher so many years after the deed’s been done. This girl is also imbued with the ability to rationalize and possesses great knowledge which serves the plot in ways I can’t even begin to try and explain.

The trailer goes from Johnny’s triumphant reign as small town hero to his hapless quest to have the kind of relationship with his girl every father would love to have. It gets sappy real quick and I am still not sure I buy any of it. The manipulative music in the background doesn’t make me change my mind and even as we barrel to the last moments of this trailer I can see that’s the direction we’re going.

Am I cynical or am I too consumed with the recurring image of Johnny getting kicked in the scrotum by kindergartners to let it all go? Either way I am just not convinced as to why I need to spend good money on this film.

Director: Mikael Håfström
Cast: Jennifer Aniston, Clive Owen, Vincent Cassel, Melissa George, RZA, Xzibit
Release: November 11, 2005
Synopsis: DERAILED is a suspense thriller about ad exec and family man Charles Schine (Clive Owen) who meets business woman, Lucinda (Jennifer Aniston), on the commuter train to Chicago. Flirtation quickly escalates, but their fling turns dangerous when a violent criminal, LaRoche (Vincent Cassel), blackmails them, promising to reveal their indiscretion and threatening their families if they to not pay him. With their lives thrown terrifyingly off-course, they must figure out how to turn the tables on LaRoche and save their families.

Prognosis: Sure. True story:

I used to work for this health care place, I can’t really tell you where it was because I left there after they thought it was groovy to break some federal laws governing their business, but I worked there scheduling the help that went into one couple’s home; the guy was old but his woman was not. The both of them were in need of 24 hour assistance and I came to find out that they were in this care state because the woman who lived with this guy was not his wife and was, indeed, this dude’s girlfriend. Like a page ripped out of Edith Wharton’s “Ethan Frome” this dude was stepping out on his wife, rolling about town in his pimp luxury car with this woman, and was caught in an accident which has rendered him dependent on other people for the rest of his life. The wife left him, took most of the guy’s dough, and was far removed from this man’s personal hell long before I came along. If there ever was a more stark reason you shouldn’t cheat on your significant other I wouldn’t be able and tell you anything more gripping than that.

That said, though, the trailer leaves me feeling blasé. I’m not really sure this would be the one of the first films out of the newly polished Weinstein imprint gate but Jennifer Aniston’s Q rating at astronomical levels and Clive Owen’s smoky mystery, thanks to his crazy-ass role in CLOSER, this movie could bring out the older demographic.

We start out in Chicago (Give up for Al’s Italian Beef on Taylor St.! Reckless Records on Broadway! wOOt!) and we are fed the images that both Aniston and Owen are two hard-working, dedicated family people who have nothing on their minds but their careers and their families. I especially enjoy Owen’s fancy dance run to catch a leaving Metra train headed for the city; sorry, my English twit, but if you’re running to catch a train you’re not going to get anywhere near it by mincing towards a locomotive like you’re trying to evade the Girl Scouts.

I do like the whole commuter train ride vibe they capture. I remember, quite fondly, of my excursions into Chicago proper using Metra and I can attest to the rocking, horn blowing enjoyment of rocketing through some of the most congested areas of the Northwest Suburbs with great ease because of this mass transportation miracle. It can evoke some lustiness, I’ll grant it that, but I don’t think that people like Clive and Aniston would be so quick to pull out the family wallets to share pictures with one another. It feels forced, like they had to do it in order to make you feel that their quick hump later is destroying more than the two of their marriages.

I am a fan, I must admit, of Clive’s sneaky subversion to get a piece of some of that Jennifer ass. His dark and evil voice, which he uses to move in on Jennifer, is not only the same kind of voice he employs in near every role where he has to display some sense of cunning but it honestly never gets old. The man’s a pro.

Things get hot. I mean they are rolling on a hotel bed, don’t they know the hotel staff never wash that top sheet, the Cum Blanket as I so affectionately refer to it because of people exactly like Owen and Aniston, and their hair is all wet, so is their clothes. The music is only a step above a porno soundtrack but it’s still hot. When Johnny Gun forces his way into these people’s lives, clad in a trademark black bad guy toque and matching clothing, and for a moment I am left to assume that the gun shot I hear is the one shooting one of them. It’s a red herring I guess as the music changes and it’s a real fast paced sprint to the trailer’s finish. There’s money all around, guns, knifes, running, evading, crashing and almost every conceivable, dramatic action one can perform. It’s a bit tired but I have to admit that if I am at a loss for something to see on a Saturday afternoon that I may just put this on films not to avoid should everything else I want to see be sold-out or almost full.