DUBLIN, IRELAND – According to creepy sources, Colin Farrell is addicted to googling his name to see what people are saying about him.
With that news, we at Party Favors say, “Hello Colin Farrell!” We’d also like to know when you plan on returning the 17 cigarettes, five shots of the good stuff and two “those things” that you borrowed from us.
WHAT FILMS HAVE YOU MADE?
There should be extra excitement in announcing that a documentary I helped produce is playing this year’s New Directors / New Films at New York City’s Lincoln Theater and the MOMA. But I was shafted. My screen credit was buried beneath the “people who were interviewed, but didn’t appear on camera” thanks to a little lying bitch of a director. I’m not going to beg you to see the film. Since the little lying bitch director thinks my contribution to his vision is that insignificant, he gets no love from the Party Favors. I’m not even going to name this drama queen since he’s that pathetic. The little lying bitch of a director still owes me.
HASN’T HE DONE THIS BEFORE?
What’s so unusual about Steve-O being on suicide watch? Isn’t his entire career all about doing suicidal stunts that we watch? Hasn’t enough of his self-destructive ways been documented and exploited in the Jackass movies? Reports have his friends shocked to see burns on his arms like he was putting out cigarettes on his flesh. Really? Like? Did any of his close friends not see him shoot bottle rockets out of his rectum? His friends thought nothing was wrong when Steve-O repeatedly stapled his scrotum to his thigh? Or that he made ads for gum by swallowing dirt? Are those the actions of a truly sane man? Do people list those activities on their applications to work at the Post Office?
The man has made millions doing crap that the average kid’s mother would declare, “Are you trying to kill yourself?” Why did his family and friends let him get away with this crap? And why did they really have to make it stop now? Maybe it is callous to not be concerned for Steve-O, but his “art” isn’t based off doing sensible things. Did Johnny Knoxville and the Jackass family decide it was time to stage an intervention when Steve O destroyed his apartment and posted the footage online without any chance of making money off the carnage? Heaven forbid Steve O. has a suicidal moment that isn’t pay-per-view. Judging from reports on the various substances Jackass members abused during their 24 hour marathon takeover of MTV, the whole crew needs to be cleaned up. Doesn’t Viacom perform piss tests on their talent?
After Steve O was admitted to the hospital, a health professional declared the reality star as bi-polar. Any PSY 101 survivor could diagnose that after two episodes of Wildboyz. The nice thought is that if Steve-O is cured, we’ll have one less reality star clogging up the cable box. Or does this merely mean one more resident on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab 2? We never win…do we?
DVD SHELF
The writers strike might have ended, but that doesn’t keep me from being hypnotized by shiny silver discs. There’s plenty of goodness on the DVD shelf.
Kite Runner deals with two boys growing up in Afghanistan before the Soviets invaded. Amir’s father is rich and his friend Hassan’s dad work on the estate. The two bond as a kite fighting team. Unfortunately an ugly moment splits up their friendship. Amir and his father escape to America after the Soviet tanks roll into Afghanistan. Even in sunny California, Amir is haunted by the dark secret about what happened to Hassan. He must find his kite fighting partner. While this seems like a children’s movie with the kite action, but it’s really for adults. This film can be nightmare inducing to an elementary school student. As Amir’s father, Homayoun Ershadi strikes a compelling figure on the screen. Strange that he wouldn’t land a few Best Supporting Actor nominations.
The film flips between a variety of languages so there’s plenty of subtitle action. Is it complete blasphemy for wishing they had created an English dub track? In the film, the two kids go to a theater to see The Magnificent Seven. Charles Bronson doesn’t talk in English on their screen. If the kids don’t watch subtitled films, why should we? Why can’t we have the dub option on the DVD. It gets annoying to go from listening to the film to reading it without much warning.
Bee Movie is perfect for those needing their Seinfeld fix. An animated bee gets upset when he discovers that humans are stealing honey. He goes to court to stop the honey industry (including Ray Liotta) from their evil practices. He learns a hard lesson about how exploiting bees is good for the eco-system. Patrick Warburton is pitch perfect in the role of the frustrated human who finds his woman emotionally involved with an insect. It’s nice to have Puddy and Jerry swapping lines even if it is through CGI mouths. The film deserves a Colbert Seal of Approval since it attacks the honey industry’s “friendly bear” lies. There’s plenty of live action weirdness as bonus material on the discs. You get the “TV Juniors” hosted by Seinfeld that aired last year on NBC. These shorts give us a comical look at what goes into making an animation film. There is also footage of Jerry’s historic bee flight at Cannes.
Enchanted is your best bet to make your woman feel special during the NCAA tourney. Surprise her with the DVD and announce, “If I was really ignoring you for college basketball, would I have remembered this?” Then send her off to watch it on the bedroom TV. You need the big set to take in the hard court action. Enchanted has Princess Giselle (Amy Adams) fall into the harsh reality of Manhattan by her Prince’s evil stepmother (Susan Sarandon). She survives in the city by hooking up with a divorce lawyer (Patrick Dempsey) and his daughter. Fans of The Wire will be delighted to see Sen. Clay Davis (Isiah Whitlock Jr.) as a client. Since this is a Disney film, he has to refrain from his trademark word so you might not recognize him. Sarandon is a perfect evil stepmother. I’d bite her apple. Enchanted ultimately marks the complete Disney-fiction of New York City as the Big Apple becomes the new Magic Kingdom. For all the time the character roam through Times Square, not once to they encounter any of the Disney films that are now stage shows on Broadway. Amy Adams is wonderfully flighty in the role. For all the mushy talk about true love, there’s a great scene where rats, pigeons and roaches clean an apartment. I wish my rats could wash dishes.
South Park: Imaginationland is a three episode story arc about Cartman’s burning desire to have Kyle suck his balls. There is more talk about ball sucking than any DVD not starring Jeff Stryker. Beyond the constant talk about ball sucking, the subplot is terrorists have decided to invade “Imaginationland.” It’s the home of all cartoon creatures of our youth. The terrorists bust down the wall between the good and evil sides of the kingdom. There will only be nightmares for us. Although I don’t quite get why Count Chocula is on the nice side of the barrier. He’s a vampire with fangs! How is that not evil? The most evil of the animated characters turn out to be the Woodland Critters. There’s also the return of Al Gore’s dreaded Manbearpig. The boys have to liberate the good side of Imaginationland before the government nukes it. Prepare to be overwhelmed by this three episodes that riff off Lord of the Rings and Stargate when we’re not being overwhelmed with Cartman’s ball sucking desires. As a bonus, they’ve included “The Woodland Critter Christmas” and “Manbearpig” so in case you missed those episodes you won’t be out on the jokes.
The Wild Wild West: The Fourth Season wraps up one of my favorite Western series. This show brought together the rugged cowboy with the sleek super agent. Robert Conrad was a true TV stud in the role of James West. The man could hunt down evil villains and hook up with hot women without falling off his horse. Ross Martin plays fellow Secret Service agent Artemus Gordon. This fourth season wasn’t good for Ross as real health problems kept him off several episodes. Fans of Gilligan’s Island will rejoice while watching “The Night of Sabatini’s Death.” Alan Hale Jr. (The Skipper) is West’s temporary partner. As an added bonus Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III) is part of the mystery. Guess Bob Denver was busy that week. The only letdown of the final season is that there was only one episode featuring Dr. Loveless. Hopefully in the future they’ll release the two reunion movies. But for now I’m thrilled to have all the episodes on the DVD shelf.
The Untouchables: Season 2, Volume 1 reminds us that without Eliot Ness, America would have been completely controlled by Al Capone and Frank Nitti. Robert Stack had the ultimate law and order attitude when he put on Eliot Ness’ three piece suit of justice. “The Big Train” is a two hour special about how Ness created Alcatraz. Do not use that as an answer on your history exam. “The Rusty Heller Story” allows Elizabeth Montgomery to twist everyone around her pinky. “Jack ‘Legs’ Diamond” has Steven Hill ventilate a trucker while dancing around his jealous mob comrades. If you like Prohibition era gangster action, The Untouchables keeps the goodness brewing.
Becker: The First Season contains Ted Danson’s big TV comeback after Cheers. Ted took a role that put him in the one place ex-Redsox Sam Malone would never reside: The Bronx. In the shadow of Yankee Stadium lurked Dr. John Becker. Instead of being a sweet doctor in the Marcus Welby M.D. school, Becker is a pain in the ass to everyone. He also has no luck with the ladies. There’s no confusing this show with Cheers. He’s a brilliant blowhard with a soft gooey center that he reserves for those special moments. He was Larry David before Curb Your Enthusiasm hit HBO.
PRESIDENTIAL TRIVIA
What Presidential candidate be hounded by the press over the rumors that I have stayed overnight in their daughter’s apartment?
Answer: The one who avoids me giving the answer by smartly appointing me to be Ambassador to Hawaii. Since Hawaii is a state, it’ll avoid any chances of me causing an international incident. Thus the answer can be “win-win” if you play my game, future president. My job would be to oversee construction of the giant Don Ho and Jack Lord statues over Honolulu.
IFCEE YOU LATER
Is the programmer at the Independent Film Channel wondering why there’s one less subscriber to his station? IFC is no longer on my cable box because he decided to schedule Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Why do I need to pay extra for a channel that’s going to run the same crap as TBS? He might argue that Austin Powers is somehow as indie as John Cassevete’s Killing of a Chinese Bookie, but I’m not listening. Ya baby. If Austin is Indie, that means Lord of the Rings is also an indie product from New Line (part of the Time-Warner family). Maybe if Austin Powers was made when New Line was merely owned by Ted Turner, I’d almost give you a second chance. But Ted sold New Line (along with his other holdings to Time-Warner in 1995. That’s before Mike Myers went into production, baby.
What is the point of pushing a channel that supposed to appeal to the art house crowd with the Fembots and Shagular? What’s next? Big Daddy and The Wedding Singer? Why not run a Chuck Norris marathon? He’s got more f’n indie cred with all his Cannon titles produced by Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan than Mike Myers.
You want to pander to the multiplex masses; do it on your own dime, IFC. Why not start running House of Payne and Frank TV to beef up your ratings?
I feel bad at yanking IFC since they did run Split Screen which featured a few short documentaries I made including this one:
But that was years ago. Now IFC seems to be as mission-less as BBCAmerica with their rerunning the American version of Dancing with the Stars. And don’t get cocky, Sundance Channel. I’m not swapping over. The Iconoclasts series is worthless. Do we really need to see an hour long tongue bath between two famous personalities? “You’re the genius!” “No. You’re the genius.” “Tell me about your genius!” “You’re genius is in your asking me about my genius cause I’m not nearly the genius you are.” What was the point of having Mario Batali eat with Michael Stipe and his vegan pals? So you guys could have Bono appear in the channel? I want to eat Mario’s meat. That didn’t come out right.
SORRY SWAYZE
Last column I joked about how the Oscars needed to have a psychic predict what movie stars will be dead before the next ceremony. Little did I predict that Patrick Swayze’s cancer would dominate the headlines.
When I was a single guy, Patrick Swayze didn’t mean that much. Sure we’d get liquored up and watch Road House and Red Dawn, but it wasn’t done out of pure hero worship. He wasn’t the American Sonny Chiba. Upon being married, you legally have to share custody of the remote control with your wife. Swayze becomes your secret drinking buddy during these helpless times. Ladies like to watch Dirty Dancing no matter what channel is running it, what time it comes on and the last time they saw it. Once Baby pops up on the screen, you’re viewing day has been decided for the next two hours. That’s when find respect for Swayze as an actor. He’s much better company than Freddie Prinze Jr. You also get to see Swayze in Ghost and To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. The ladies love those films. Remember not to get drunk while watching Dirty Dancing with your woman cause you might accidentally say, “Honey, if you really wanted a threesome with two guys, and me and the other guy didn’t have to touch, I wouldn’t mind Patrick Swayze joining us.”
If you have a chance, send some love to the Swayze to help him recover. Just don’t let him know that you told your wife about the threesome weirdness cause he might not understand that you were really drunk when told her about that. Damn you, Charles Shaw!
Also if you have some extra love, drop it in an envelope to Sydney Pollack. The director of Tootsie isn’t doing well according to my sources. His Sketches of Frank Gehry was really good documentary. I’m looking forward to seeing him make more non-fiction films or any film that isn’t The Interpreter 2.
TAKE THE BALD GUY BOWLING
I’m hooked on ESPN’s PBA coverage. Who isn’t down with Rhino Page when he hits the lane? Maybe Pete Weber has a beef with him? After too many Sundays on the sofa, I wanted to live the PBA life. It was time hit the lanes on a Friday night in order to receive the chant of “hambone!”
Like the future feared in The Terminator, computers have taken over the 21st century bowling alley. No longer do you sit at the desk by the ball return to record strikes, spares and gutterballs with a grease pencil on the clear plastic score card. The handwritten stats are no longer are projected above the lane. Now there’s a tiny keyboard on a stand that has you enter in the player’s name. A flat screen TV keeps track of who is up and what’s the score. They removed the math element from the game which is good after your second pitcher of Yuengling.
Besides keeping score, the computer explains how to throw the ball to nail the spare. A majority of my second chance save opportunity instructions resembled Senator Arlene Specter’s Warren Commission Magic Bullet Theory. Lee Harvey Oswald couldn’t have performed the instructions given to me. The ball had to change direction three times and pins must execute Jackie Chan level flips to tag the remaining pins for a majority of my spares. Even Sen. Specter would have admitted that I’d need bowlers on the grassy knoll to nab the remaining pins. The Rhino can roam free knowing that my PBA dreams now involve the Pro Basketweaving Association.
RED HOODIE
Speaking of conspiracies that are overseen by Sen. Specter; Spygate is going to get extra freaky soon.
According to a highly placed source that watches CSPAN2 as part of community service, Sen. Specter’s spending most of his waking hours collecting evidence on the NFL as part of his Spygate investigation. Specter is obsessed with proving that the New England Patriots cheated when they beat his Philadelphia Eagles in the Superbowl. He wants to be the MVP that brings the Lombardi Trophy to Lincoln Field via a DQ. But Specter might contribute to an NFL cover up. If what’s rumored on the internet is true, the senator has evidence that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ordered Patriots coach Bill Belichick to take a dive in this year’s Superbowl as the ultimate penalty for Spygate. A drunk typist with the internet access swears Belichick sent a signal to his friends and major gamblers that he was being forced to lose when he came out wearing a red hoodie. Why else would a man who had always worn a grey hoodie switch up his look for the biggest game of his career? If you believe what the NFL rules as lies, the red hoodie was Belichick symbolic way of showing that his football genius had been slaughtered by Goodell. Will Sen. Specter dare suggest that the NFL might be as legit as the WWE? That Roger Goodell can control the outcome of his league like when Vince McMahon determines the belt holders at the end of Wrestlemania? Will the senator that drew up the single bullet theory hide any of the Red Hoodie evidence? Or will Goodell promise Specter that 2009 will be the year the Eagles finally win the Superbowl? All our sources have been checked through the Magic 8-Ball that said “It Is Decidedly So!”
ANOTHER SWEATSUIT NIGHTMARE
During the Big East tourney, it was quite distressing to see former Georgetown coach John Thompson wearing the Michael Jordan “Jumpman” logo on his warmup jacket. Does he not remember what Jordan did to his Hoyas in the NCAA Tourney finals in 1982? Twenty six years ago, Jordan put a dagger in the heart of Patrick Ewing and Sleepy Floyd. How can he wear Jordan above his heart? Does Carl Yastrzemski wear a “Bucky Dent Rules” t-shirt when he watches Redsox games? Does Jeff Gordon race with his lucky Tony Stewart boxer shorts? Thompson can respect Jordan, but to promote the man that took a championship ring off his finger? It’s just sad. This was a moment when a sports figure should have draped a flag around his shoulders to block an evil logo. Maybe Thompson can wear a Villanova ’85 NCAA Champs while cheering the Hoyas in Raleigh.
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