BOISE – My old buddy Dan calls me up to tell me that he’s taking his daughter to see the Jonas Brothers at our local commercially sponsored concert shed. How sweet. Then he tells me that he’s buying two tickets off Stubhub for over $100 each. Huh? When did kiddie rockbands cost a fortune? I saw Cheap Trick a few years back for $5. For that price I could have taken Damone and the entire cast of Fast Times with me to rock out to “Dream Police” instead of seeing the Mouse approved trio.
He paid over $200 cause he wanted his kid to be up close for the show. I thought little kids had better eye sight?
What exactly have these Jonas Brother done to demand more cash than a two day pass for Disney World? I can’t hum any of their songs. I can’t remember ever saying, “I hate this Jonas Brothers song.” I remember hating on the Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block and the Wiggles. If “Name This Jonas Brothers Hit” was on Jeopardy, I’d put down my buzzer and weep. This is probably a good thing that today’s kiddie pop culture is so narrowcasted to the little ones. There’s barely any real blowback when the bubblegum goes pop.
But $200? I can’t think of any concert as an elementary schooler that would have cost my dad that much – even if you factor in inflation. If Led Zeppelin had toured America in 1980, a good seat was only $15. Dad swears he was going to surprise me with good seats for that show. He also had lined up tickets for an Elvis concert on August 25, 1977. If my dad wants to take me to see you in concert, you’re as good as dead. Be prepared for the grim reaper, Barry Manilow! But I know that if any concert had cost $100 a ticket, dad would immediately respond with an “are you out of your mind? Not no, but Hell no!”
Dan couldn’t say no to his daughter’s plea to see the latest pack of teen idols. The sad thought is that as soon as Dan’s daughter becomes nearly a teenager, she’s going to hate him. Everything he does now to seem like a cool dad will be completely forgotten. The only time this concert will be mentioned is during the “things I’ve done for you ungrateful kids” blast.
News has just arrived that Jessica Simpson wants $70 to see her cornfed countrified act. I’m willing to go $100 if the encore includes an audience participation Cleveland Steamer.
GET ON THE BUS
Seinfeld College Tour bus dropped by my neighborhood a few weeks back. Imagine the joy of seeing various props from the series in a Best Buy parking lot. It was a dream come true to touch the plexiglass that protected Jerry’s Puffy Shirt. Plus I got a free Rhino flavored Snickers bar.
While the Soup Nazi will appear at various stops, there was no Soup Nazi for us. The biggest star of the day was the frozen yogurt machine.
For those who are curious about the 60 foot bus, I made a little video showing off every inch of it.
CAGE FOR CHRISTMAS
Is Nicolas Cage’s Bangkok Dangerous really a movie? It looks like a fake trailer made for Grindhouse 2: Burning Money Pit. He must have Michael Caine’s old agent from the Jaws: The Revenge era. Does Cage ever turn down a high dollar contract?
I’m willing to offer Nicholas Cage $20 if he’ll appear in my family’s Christmas video. He’ll be playing me which might be the most challenging role of the last decade for the guy. Can Cage handle going one on one with my old man when it comes time to figure out where’s the remote control? There will be panic and action as the Ghost Rider gets out of my mom’s way while she’s making the turkey. The Oscar winner better be on his game for faking surprise when opening up a box to reveal the third sweater in a row.
Corey Christmas could easily be the project that lets the critics once more believe that Nicolas Cage is the most important actor of his generation. Far as distribution goes, it will go mega-wide via Youtube.
So if you’re out there, Nicolas Cage, I’ve got that crisp $20 waiting for you. Offer expires when mom takes the tree down. That was Feb. 24 last year.
THE DVD SHELF
Duckman: Seasons One & Two is my pick of the month. Duckman (Seinfeld‘s Jason Alexander) is a Private Dick/Family Man who can’t quite uncover a paying case in a twisted animated universe. His wife died and her aerobics addicted twin sister has taken over raising his dopey son (Dweezil Zappa) and his other sons that share a body. There’s something innately funny about a perverted and lazy duck who can’t find a clue without it stabbing him in the back. The first 22 episodes are on 3 DVDs along with an extensive documentary with plenty of the cast and crew remembering their time on USA network. Another feature has creator Everett Peck demonstrate how to draw this fowl so foul. Why hasn’t this adult animated cartoon ended up on Adult Swim or Comedy Central? Duckman goes perfectly with Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Although the Duck has more active animation than Master Shake. Also listen for the various Frank Zappa snippets snuck into the soundtrack.
Charlie Chan Collection Volume 5 wraps up the final 7 mystery titles produced by Fox. Sidney Toler plays the famous Honolulu police detective who always gets his man despite what his Number 2 son does. Charlie Chan Goes to Panama is a reworked Mr. Moto script that puts Chan into an undercover position. He’s got to crack a spy ring before they sabotage the Panama Canal. Charlie Chan at the Wax Museum has him being lured into a building filled with recreations of famous killers. Except one of them isn’t made of wax. “Dead Men Tell” features a pirate ghost protecting his booty. It’s a relief that Fox was able to finish releasing all the Charlie Chan titles that still exist (a few were lost in a vault fire). Some may want to guilt you from watching this boxset with Sidney Toler playing an Asian-American. But they’re also making you ignore the action-comedy delivered by Sen Yung as his Number 2 son. Don’t dismiss Yung’s cinematic legacy.
Fox Horror Classics, Volume 2 brings together a trio films that aren’t classic horror like the Universal monsters, but they deliver the creeps. Chandu the Magician gives a major budget to serial action. Chandu (Edmund Lowe) is a white guy who has mastered the tricks of the Indian yogis. He has to rescue a relative that’s been kidnapped by Bela Lugosi. The relative has created a death ray, but won’t tell Bela how to work it. Bela has to torture his family to crack him. Chandu comes to the rescue before the major cities of the world are zapped. The exploration of an Egyptian tomb is exhilarating with amazing sets and miniature effects. Dr. Renault’s Secret was Fox’s first attempt to make a Universal Horror. A professor wants to prove that apes became man by doing it in the lab. However his experiment goes terribly wrong. The bonus documentary lays out how this film is respected by classic horror fans. Dragonwyck is a gothic horror tale about a poor cousin (Gene Tierney) getting invited to be a nanny in the estate of a rich relative (Vincent Price). She’s blown away by the opulence of Dragonwyck manor. Things get uncomfortable and scary as Price goes nuts with his tenant farmers. This is a spooky trio for fans of black and white frights getting pumped for Halloween.
Fox Film Noir series returns with another three titles. Roadhouse is not the Patrick Swayze flick. This early version of the title has Ida Lupino, Cornel Wilde and Richard Widmark get down and dirty at a classy country nightclub. There’s a bowling alley next to the bar. Wilde and Widmark run the joint. Things get nasty when Lupino arrives to sing in the bar. She’s pure feisty while working the room. Things go bad when Widmark melts down. Moontide has Lupino return without being so hard-boiled. She’s a suicidal hooker who gets saved by Jean Garbin. They open up a bait shop, but there’s dark secrets around Garbin and his drinking buddy. There’s also a drunken night and a dead body without a proper killer. There’s plenty of torrid action for fans of Noir. The long delayed Boomerang finally escapes onto the shelf. Dana Andrews is the State Attorney assigned to find the killer of a priest. He doesn’t trust the top cop’s suspect. But everyone wants to shut down the case. Jane Wyatt (Father Knows Best) and Karl Malden (Streets of San Francisco) have supporting roles. These Film Noir titles get the Raymond J. Regis Memorial seal of approval.
The Love Guru (Blu-ray) was this summer’s box office disaster. Mike Myers plays a mystic who has learned life’s great secrets from Indian gurus (kinda like Chandu). He’s hired to bring stability to a Toronto Maple Leaf star (Weeds‘s Romany Malco). It’s the Peter Sellers film that Myers has been swearing he wants to make. Justin Timberlake goes over the top as a French-Canadian player who has stolen Romany’s wife. This is a film that plays better on Blu-ray since you can turn it into a drinking game. Why not throw down a shot of Yukon Jack every time Verne Troyer gets abused? The Love Guru is so bad that it must be endured in inebriated company. The bonus feature of “Hockey Training for Actors” cracked me up since these guys really can’t take Gordie Howe action. The Blu-ray is necessary to get all 1080p working on Jessica Alba. There’s no need to worship her in standard digital. They also throw in a digital copy so you can watch it on your video iPod.
The Life Before Her Eyes (Magnolia Films) seems to have everything going for it. Uma Thurman (Kill Bill) and Evan Rachel Wood (Running With Scissors) play the older and younger versions of Diana. Evan’s a hell school hellion who transforms into a sensible mom (Uma) through a traumatic experience. It’s a Columbine situation which ends with her and her best friend (Eva Amurri) trapped in the bathroom with the AK-47 wielding classmate. For 90% of this film, I’m glued to the screen as this high tension story is revealed by switching between the two times. Instead of an intense finale we’re given one really messed up “huh?” moment. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but the ending ruins the film. While director Vadim Perelman (House of Sand and Fog) remains true to the novel, he’s cheating the viewing audience. Even the DVD’s alternate ending doesn’t alternate enough to make it work. Even with the seductive joys of Uma and Evan on screen, it’s Eva Amurri (Saved) that makes this The Life worth watching. She brings charm to the best friend role. When the gunman wants the girls to choose who he’ll shoot, you don’t see Eva’s character as a cypher. You don’t want either to her to be sacrificed.
Quid Pro Quo (Magnolia Films) is movie that seems to tap into the J.G. Ballard vibe. A wheel-chair bound radio reporter (Carnivale‘s Nick Stahl) uncovers a subculture of walking people who want to be paraplegics. He wants to know what makes these people want to be paralyzed. His entry into their mindset is Vera Farmiga (The Departed). She wants to be on wheels so bad. Her ’70s hairdos are more disturbing than her legless desires. The major twist is that his time with her makes him want to rise and walk. The surprise ending on this film completely works. Quid Pro Quo is a film that appeals to fans of the freakish that don’t want to squirm too hard.
Star Trek: Alternate Realities Collective brings together 20 episode from the various Star Trek series that deal with mirror universes. My favorite of the batch is the classic “Mirror, Mirror” where Kirk meets the evil Mr. Spock. He’s the Spock with the goatee action. They really should have done more episodes with the vicious Enterprise crew. They were much more fun. This boxset is good for the casual fan to the shows that can’t afford to get the nearly two dozen season sets. There’s a coupon for ordering a special Geordi figure.
BEFORE THE NEW SEASON
For those who were out of town for all of last year’s season, there’s plenty of boxsets that will help you catch up.
CSI Miami: The Sixth Season shocks me that David Caruso has stuck around this long in the role of Horatio Caine. I got so used to seeing him as Glen Wesley of the Carolina Hurricanes. But now that’s retired from the NHL, he’s got plenty of time to solve crime in southern Florida and come up with various ways to dramatically take off his sunglasses. This season has him discover an unknown son and a brand new enemy. Augie watches the show was impressed by the 21 episodes. He’s eager for the premiere of season seven, but he won’t say why cause he’d hate to spoil it for people who need to see this boxset with unimpeded eyeballs. Calleigh Ducaine gets kidnapped in “Ambush” and “All In.”
Criminal Minds: Season 3 features a changing of the guard as Mandy Patinkin (The Princess Bride) gets replaced by Joe Mantegna (The Godfather Part III). Joe doesn’t give the show the Valerie Harper – Sandy Duncan uneasy transition. It does seem natural for an FBI unit would have turnover. Thomas Gibson and Joe have a great rhythm between them. My favorite episode of the season was “In Heat.” You can’t go wrong with a serial kill with conflicted sexual identity.
Ghost Whisperer: The Third Season scares me with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s outfits. She can communicate with the dead which makes me jealous since my cellphone can’t even text message. Perhaps she can talk to the deceased hopes of Yankee fans who had secured World Series tickets for this season? The 18 episodes remind us that the dead can be a bigger pain than the living. Jennifer’s character learns the horrible truth about her real father in “Pater Familias.”
Medium: The Fourth Season follows a psychic (Patricia Arquette) that cracks cases for the Phoenix, Arizona district attorney’s office. How did Hamilton Burger not hook up with a psychic when he was battling Perry Mason? The fourth season kicks off with her secret talent being exposed to the public. This means everybody wants to tap into her sixth sense. This causes a bit of havoc for the DA’s office since the public doesn’t like knowing its main investigative unit is a dreaming woman. “Do You Hear What I Hear” has a great twist when she’s on the case of a missing deaf girl and loses her hearing while making the connection.
Grey’s Anatomy: The Complete Fourth Season – Expanded has Meredith Grey, Cristina Yang, Izzie Stevens and Alex Karev finally become residents at the hospital. That means they’ll now get to pick on the interns. The two-parter “Crash Into Me” guest stars Seth Green (Robot Chicken). He’s got an extremely gross moment as his insides end up on the outside. It’s not a good episode to watch while eating dinner. The tawdry bed hopping does remain even as the gang move up the doctor ladder. The episodes are longer than their network run. That means you’ll see more of Seth.
Ugly Betty: The Complete Second Season reminds us that a goofy character working amongst plastic people will always be more entertaining. Betty (America Ferrera ) remains cute with the massive braces and frightening sweaters even through her office has changed a bit. While watching the show, I can’t help but keep saying Rebecca Romijn Stamos even though she’s now married to Jerry O’Connell. Why did she marry the star of Tomcats and Kangaroo Jack?
Dirty Sexy Money: The Complete First Season fictionalizes those disturbingly rich families that are in the business to annoy. Peter Krause Six Feet Under is the attorney who has to keep the Darling family out of jail and the bad gossip columns. Donald Sutherland and Jill Clayburgh class up the shoes. The lavish and jaded life gets pushed to the extremes that can be explored on broadcast TV. The writer’s strike reduced these season to only 10 episodes.
Private Practice: The Complete First Season – Extended Edition has only 9 episodes that made it on the air before the writer’s strike. Dr. Addison Montgomery (Kate Walsh) splits Grey’s Anatomy for the Oceanside Wellness Group in Los Angeles. “In Which We Meet Addison, a Nice Girl From Somewhere Else” has Moon Unit Zappa as a woman who counts tiles after something snaps inside her. There’s also a mess dealing with a dead guy’s wife and mistress battling over his last loads of baby batter. These ladies should visit Ernest Borgnine. Kate Walsh is captivating enough to carry the show, but the ladies enjoy seeing Taye Diggs wash up.
SMOKIN’ NAKED
Congratulations goes out to Cathouse stars and the first couple of Carson City’s Bunny Ranch Dennis Hof and Brooke Taylor. They landed the covers of Smoke and Hustler. They are the first couple to achieve this tandem action since Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman. Who knew Ethel was such a tobacco aficionado? Everybody knows that Ernest introduced the Brazilian wax to America in his issue. With any luck, there will be a Party Favors special video from the Bunny Ranch in late October. Does this disqualify me from entering the “Win a date with covergirl Brooke Taylor” contest in the magazine?
SPANKING WITH THE STARS
The most disturbing fact to come out of the Christie Brinkley – David Cook divorce is that the couple had to watch porn videos to get into the mood for sex. What? This is beyond messed up. How many guys close their eyes and imagine they’re boffing Christie instead of the wife? How many guys ruined their old man’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues that featured Christie? For all those who dreamed of boning Christie Brinkley, the man who was living the dream couldn’t get wood without watching Gianna Michaels taking a dome shot. How messed up of a world has America become? The terrorists have won.
If David Duchovny has to go to sex rehab clinic for internet porn, what hope is there for the rest of us? This guy got a facefull of Madeline Zima’s bosom in Californication and he’s surfing the web like the regular schlubs. At least he wasn’t busted for stalking Garry Shandling. Now I’m wondering if we went to the same sites. Did David and I pull a cyber threesome with Sunny Lane? Did both of us downloading from the same rapidshare link at the same time? Did we cross bytes? I want to believe.
CABLE COOKIN’
If the Food Network is really serious about creating Late Night programming to go along with Ace of Cakes, they need to introduce the alternative Martha Stewart to the channel. Why haven’t they had Amy Sedaris create a show out of her I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence? Put her in a retro kitchen, pick out the strangest looking of recipes and back away as she does her magic. She could have Mario Batali drop by to help roll her cheeseballs.
Now that Scrubs is on TVLand, the series is officially on more cable channels than it had viewers for its final NBC season. I enjoy the show, but currently it’s fighting Billy Mays for TV over exposure. Why didn’t John C. McGinley run for president so Scrubs could dominate on CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC?
How do college football coaches get so fat? Don’t they feel embarrassed standing on the sidelines with a stomach that’s longer than the 10 yard chain? How do they bark at players sweating and working out for hours and look like the Superdome with feet? How about a few of these coaches dropping to the turf and doing a couple squat thrusts? Should a guy getting paid $5 million by the athletic department look athletic and not like a heart attack waiting to happen?
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