FRED Entertainment

Director: James McTeigue
Cast: Natalie Portman, James Purefoy, Stephen Rea
Release: March 17, 2006
Synopsis: Set against the futuristic landscape of totalitarian Britain, V For Vendetta tells the story of a mild-mannered young woman named Evey (Portman) who is rescued from a life-and-death situation by a masked vigilante (Purefoy) known only as “V.” Incomparably charismatic and ferociously skilled in the art of combat and deception, V ignites a revolution when he detonates two London landmarks and takes over the government-controlled airwaves, urging his fellow citizens to rise up against tyranny and oppression. As Evey uncovers the truth about V’s mysterious background, she also discovers the truth about herself ““ and emerges as his unlikely ally in the culmination of his plot to bring freedom and justice back to a society fraught with cruelty and corruption.

With a full head of hair in the beginning, as she’s shaking and quivering from the uncertainty of being interrogated in the old school, Starsky and Hutch ways, with a bright GE 100-Watt, “Gentle enough to read by, bright enough to live with”¦”, being shoved in her face, she’s harkening back to an older time. It was during HEAT, when she’s lost her hair thingy and she’s flippin’ out to her ice queen of a mother and she’s shaking her poodle perm back and forth as she says she can’t be late. I somehow felt this urge to shave that melon right then, but here, when they show they do it, it’s wonderful. Her reaction isn’t like that of a Pauly Shore in IN THE ARMY NOW, but what really could top that, really?

The trailer, though, is masterfully rendered.

While there really isn’t anything that’s done, cinematography wise, to make me feel that the environment is anything less than a soundstage I am still engaged fully with it.

What’s odd is that when she’s asked if she’s going to cooperate with The Man, in finding our dude, V, and when you know she’s going to give the requisite “No” in complete defiance, as she’s wearing some potato sack and looking like a raccoon who’s been tucked away in a barrel for a few months with the rings around her eyes, she gives that “No” and the spirit of Keanu-speak slithers ever so quietly through the speakers.

Things then kick up with the Hitler Youth rally that seems to indicate that the world’s turned into a police state where everyone snitches on each other and that terrorism here is another way to see how the George W. Bush administration has turned the whole world”¦blah blah blah. The idea of the police state and how Natalie is caught up in this web of government control is a good one that’s executed with some good visual aplomb; even though, again, the cinematography and direction is a bit limp, I am still groovin’ on what’s happening.

“From the creators of the Matrix trilogy”

So, we get our V for Vendetta guy. He twirls his little daggers around like he’s part of a new faction of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that’s crashed into the style of Zorro Gone Wayward. The little wisps of hair that flow like air around his head as he’s delivering a little outsider justice, that mask staying in perfect place as he twirls around, is nice to look at. The guy looks like quite the bad ass. Although, after Natalie listens to how the government made V into the man he is, the line “Then they’ve created a monster” throws my eyeballs back into my skull as I thought that Moore was a better writer than to write something so hokey. I am quickly reminded, though, that he is more than perturbed with the way things went on this production so I feel 90% that wasn’t his doing.

The scenes leading up to the final money shot galore fest help, if nothing else, define what this movie is really about. It juxtaposes the theme of the story, that totalitarian rule over a populace that is so paralyzed by their own complacency is just accepted as fact, with the notion that this guy, V, isn’t a terrorist so much as he is a galvanizing force that tries to help, while harming, those who would just take it in the balloon knots and not so much as say boo about it.

The explosions that trigger our descent into London, circa whenever, are fairly sweet. Our knife wielding protagonist rails against our bad guys, his full-on mop whipping around his head like a showgirl’s wig, and stuff is just blowing up left and right. The bomb strapped to V’s body with his thumb on the slivery trigger is a nice touch.

Director: Werner Herzog
Cast: Amie Huguenard, Timothy Treadwell
Release: August 12, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A devastating and heart-wrenching take on grizzly bear activists Timothy Treadwell and Amie Huguenard, who were killed in October of 2003 while living among grizzlies in Alaska.

I have never been one to romanticize the wonderful things that are hidden in our nation’s forest system but the sweeping views of the tree cobbled mountains that open this trailer are really nice to look at.

And, this is nice, even though you’re enjoying the view and listening to the man who tended to grizzly bears for over a decade Voiceover Guy just barrels right into the obvious when he states that one of the grizzlies he “swore to protect” killed him. That’s funny, though, in a macabre way. Yeah, a grizzly killed him, but they’re grizzlies. They’re carnivores. It doesn’t take anything away from the pacing, though. I was just adding my own reaction to the semantics of the line.

Boom, we’re right into it with some grizzlies, on their hind legs wrestling with each other. It’s a sight to see these beasts of nature so close but then we’re introduced to the bear man himself, Timothy Treadwell. It’s, seriously, a really nice gesture that they put his D.O.B. and date of death on the screen and I think it really helps, in a nuanced way, add a little something human to the moment. Now, Timothy is oblivious to the natural instinct to flee like your ass is in flames and even calls one of his grizzlies “Mr. Chocolate.”

Tim’s voice is so calm and delicate that it’s hard not to just wonder what is racing through the guy’s mind.

Interject a newspaper clip from Ebert, giving this docu a solid thumbs-up.

Tim is given some time to talk about the process of getting in close with the bears and you begin to see where his pathos starts to fragment away from what any other person with a need for self-preservation would likely do if they were in his place. Tim talks about being confronted by these bears and, instead of talking about cutting and running, he uses the metaphor of the samurai.

Interject a newspaper clip from the Times, Variety.

There is interview footage from what appears to be a helicopter pilot, rocking a Wilfred Brimley “˜stache, who essentially says Tim got what he deserved.

And that’s when things take a dark turn.

Instead of this being a celebration of what Tim did there are a good half dozen or so references that Tim makes into the camera which speak to the lethality of one thing or another about being with these bears. It’s haunting.

That’s how this trailer slowly burns out. We get some interview footage, probably post bear attack, which explains that Tim’s death among the bears was something he was willing to go through because it was something that he loved. He was crazy as all hell but I would actually like to see how Werner Herzog pieces it all together.

Director: Rob McKittrick
Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris, Justin Long
Release: October 7, 2005
Synopsis: Young employees at Shenanigan’s restaurant collectively stave off boredom and adulthood with their antics.

Reason #2: Dane Cook. Did you read what I wrote about homeboy last week? Have you any clue what I am talking about? If you’re still clueless then clue in on to how he handles his comedic bad self in this trailer. Feel free to write in to disagree but you’re wrong even before you put your fingers onto your greasy keyboard.

The trailer opens up, oddly, with the same kind of jaunty music that opened OFFICE SPACE. I’m not sure if this is intentional but the coincidence of that movie being about jobs we all hate and this movie, which also seems to be about a job any teen who has had to get a job can relate to, is really odd.

No matter, though, as Ryan Reynolds comes bounding onto the screen, seducing the camera like a lover needing a quick hump. He’s just good that way.

The introductions to the other people who Ryan works with are a little funny. It’s nothing I would call hilarious but it’s when we come to the kitchen where the giggles, titters and the chuckles start flowing like a boxed wine with a hole in it.

A steak falls off the grill and onto the ground. Guzman, looking like the head chef, yells out to Cook. You’d expect some sort of lambasting or even a reprimand for dropping the food but he screams out, “The 5 second rule! The 5 second rule!” He starts counting off one, two, three as Cook wrangles it off the brown tile floor and laughs as he gets it onto the plate before five. That’s comedy.

We get that, after we see the kind of “hijinks” that are going on behind the doors of the restaurant and are entertained to see Guzman and Cook going at it again and we even get the idea that this R rating could be for a little sauciness with regard to the ladies. And that’s fine, you know? The world needs more movies in the vein of HOT DOG, MEATBALLS or any other brainless comedy that just plays it for laughs.

When we pick up with some of the storytelling we have Ryan being yelled at by a customer who would like their steak cooked more than it was served. In a quiet voice, Ryan turns around to the kitchen, plate in hand and we get “Ride of the Valkyries.” Dane is there to explain how he’s going to add extra gravy to the mashed potatoes (cue assistant to Dane who generates some nasal phlegm), will put a little garlic salt on her bread (cue another assistant who Ally Sheedy BREAKFAST CLUB’s their scalp to make it rain down dandruff) and they watch as the customer begins once more to eat her meal.

If you found the fortitude to enjoy VAN WILDER I am sure you’ll appreciate the approach to comedy here.

Director: Anand Tucker
Cast: Steve Martin, Claire Danes, Jason Schwartzman, Sam Bottoms, Frances Conroy, Rebecca Pidgeon, Joshua Snyder, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, Gina Doctor, Anne Marie Howard
Release: October 21, 2005
Synopsis: Based on Steve Martin’s bestselling novella, SHOPGIRL is a funny and poignant story of love in the modern age. The film catches a glimpse inside the lives of three very different people on diverse paths, but all in search of the same thing. Mirabelle (Claire Danes) is a “plain Jane” overseeing the rarely frequented glove counter at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. An artist struggling to keep up with even the minimum payment on her credit card and student loans, she keeps to herself until a rich, handsome fifty something named Ray Porter (Steve Martin) sweeps her off her feet. Simultaneously, Mirabelle is being pursued by Jeremy (Jason Schwartzman), a basic bachelor who’s not quite as cultured and successful as Ray. When fate steps in, the outcome may not always be a storybook ending, because in the end”¦it was life.

It was called “The Pleasure of My Company” and it was alright. It was good, a little quirky in a way that some would call weird, but its resolution was a little less than I would’ve liked. If I had to really make a go at critiquing his novella writing style I would call it “needlessly ambitious.” He just tries too hard.

With this trailer, as well, I think there’s something there that makes me feel like the pretension almost excludes me as a viewer. Let me explain.

We open up in a glove parlor. I’m not sure where one goes to get long gloves or who actually stands behind a counter selling them but when Steve says that the black will do and goes about his merry way I am left thinking what I just witnessed. A guy buying gloves for his wife? Who does that? Obviously, literary people do. Ok, I’ll give him that. A little haughty, but ok.

Now, we focus on Claire. She does her washing at a Laundromat. Jason Schwartzman, who really hasn’t found lightning again since RUSHMORE, almost in I HEART HUCKABEES, insinuates himself into Claire’s life as an oddball love interest. It feels unnatural, and Claire’s understanding of Jason’s oddness which she hopes goes away, is spinning me in all sorts of confused directions.

Then, Steve pops up again. The gloves are waiting for Claire at her humble apartment as Steve wants to hit that. They even go to dinner where Steve looks rather natural as he tries to feel out the skeevy factor of his advances on a girl who is sharply younger than he is.

Click back to Jason. The two of them start dating, for reasons I don’t understand, and, watching Jason, you can’t really empathize with her because he is such an oddball loser.

Steve pops up, asks her if she’d like to dine on his private jet and she acquiesces.

Is this a story where it’s like, “Do I choose the guy who is so obviously wrong or do I chose the guy who has lots of money and privilege but could be my dad?”

Whatever the answer is, and the question actually gets asked in this trailer, I’m not sure I’d want to spend the time to find out. There’s nothing really compelling about the trailer and the story doesn’t seem that novel. What I do know, though, is that the music chosen is top notch, there are no voiceovers that get in the way, and there doesn’t seem to be an obvious answer to any questions that are posed. In that respect I give it some respect but that’s about it.

And P.S. ““ Have any of you seen the movie poster for this flick? Check out the trailer site and see what I’m talking about. Claire Danes looks like a dude. In real life she’s a rather pretty woman but the poster makes her look like a bad transvestite who just discovered wigs and make-up.

Director: Andrew Niccol
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Ethan Hawke, Jared Leto, Bridget Moynahan, Jeffrey Wright, Ian Holm
Release: September 16, 2005
Synopsis: An arms dealer (Cage) who schemes his way to the top of his profession only to face an enemy he never expected: his conscience. But it’s not easy to leave behind a life of girls, guns and glamour, when no-one wants you to stop, not even your enemies.

Who else but Clarence would sit across the desk from a guy who manufactures cocaine, packages them in small glass I Love Jeanie bottles, and then proceeds to dip his fingers in said manufacturers’ red wine and snorts the drippings? That’s not foul, that’s just the making of a better than clichéd envisioning of a crazy mofo. I especially like the part, in the same scene, when Clarence has a half-dozen or so automatic weapons drawn on him to which he quips with a giddy glee, “Guns, guns, guns”¦” That’s what I am reminded here as Nicholas Cage, who is really earning value like a good stock with me with this picture, disregarding his downslide whoring of himself for NATIONAL TREASURE, does the voiceover for this trailer.

As the camera glides over the perfectly placed display of yards and yards of ammunition, Cage explains what he does with not even a tinge of either remorse or some manufactured sense of bravado. It’s a sales job, he explains, with all the responsibilities that go along with it. The fact that’s tossed out, that there’s one firearm for every 12 people in the world, and his calm intonation about wondering about how to arm the other 11 is a sales quandary but one he supposes with steely honesty. It’s darkly amusing and, yet, makes complete sense.

The shot of the man, well, shooting at someone and the accompanying sounds of the ka-ching with every recoil of the man’s AK-47, the shell casing arcing away from the gun, as it exists is wicked sharp.

Then, we get the Flying Lizards’ “Money (That’s What I Want),” a song I’ve never really been too keen on, appropriately slides in as this movie unfolds. Cage in his suit and tie, talking to warlords of countries barely anyone would be able to find on a map, doesn’t look like someone who should be castigated so much as he someone who has seen a niche market and is serving it.

Jared Leto, a man I really did swear a blood oath to revile like a pretty boy in need of a good flogging across the face with a cat-o-nine-tails for all that prissy preening as the hopelessly understood yet incredibly well kempt “bad boy” of My So Called Life, really flickers here and there as he seems to be Cage’s right hand man.

Ethan Hawke is a bit of a distraction as he appears to be requisite Man Who is Trying to Bring Him Down as is the hot dollop of a doll who is Cage’s arm candy. She has no idea what he does and he wants to keep it that way, as he says that there are plenty of sales people who don’t talk about their work, but whatever works, right?

I can’t complain too much as even when Cage is approached by an agent of the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms unit he cracks a little wise to say he assumes he isn’t being talked to about alcohol or tobacco. It’s a one-liner, sure, but in the moment, in the context of this trailer, it works just fine.

Clarence would be proud of a guy like this.

P.S.S. ““ Have you seen the poster for this flick? I hope next year at the Key Art Awards, where they celebrate movie advertising and trailer work, the graphic artist gets some props for a sweet ass design.

Darren: Oh really? That’s what they told me you’re supposed to do.

Was it cool?

Yes, yes it was”¦

Darren: Is it good?

It was good”¦

Darren: I don’t think it will stop people from coming to see the movie. I think it will probably make them want to see more. Unless it sucked.

Was it confusing?

A little bit”¦

How was it confusing?

Ummmm”¦..What the hell is the tree?

Darren: That’s what the film is about is finding out what it is. It’s a mystery.

[To Rachel] Were you confused, while you were making it?

Rachel: No, I obviously read the script many times. I figured it out.

Is it non-linear?

Darren: Well, emotionally it’s linear. It’s non-linear in time. You’re basically following one character, Hugh Jackman’s character, through the course of the film and it adds up and it makes sense but it’s told in a very PULP FICTION sort of way.

How many drafts, how many revisions has this movie gone through?

Darren: There were probably about 50 official drafts around. Official. Which means when I was just tweaking away there were a lot of drafts. Well”¦50 drafts and 30 official drafts.

Did you ever feel that you were getting to the point where you felt like you were at the point of overworking the material?

Darren: I think that we did over think it at times. That’s part of the process is that you go too far and you have to come back. And you go too far and you have to come back. So, it’s a slow balancing act to get to the place.

Was it significantly rewritten?

Darren: Yeah, when it went from a 95 million dollar film to a 35 million dollar film it changed a lot. And that was my move because I realized they wouldn’t have made it at that level so I had to come up with the cheapest version they could make it with.

Did that help you creatively?

Darren: I think what kicked in was some kind of independent, guerilla filmmaker. So it was probably something more of who I was versus what I was becoming.

So, would either of you characterize this filmic experience as a guerilla”¦ I think I would say it. It’s a 35 million dollar guerilla movie. Absolutely.

[To Rachel] How was that experience for you?

Darren: You’ve done a lot of those big movies, so how did it seem?

Rachel: The thing about that is that you’re talking about money in a way. So, the green’s green is the green’s green. So, for however much money is spent in post is irrelevant to me as an actor. The guerilla aspect of it is just the style in which Darren directs. He’s very passionate and very (laughs) guerilla.

The budget thing doesn’t affect me as an actor.

Darren: Well, were we crappy to you? You had a trailer, though. You were all set.

Did you have to work fast?

Darren: Yeah.

Rachel: We worked long hours.

Darren: We didn’t work that long, did we? Did I go over time a lot? It really should be a 90 million dollar movie so hopefully it looks a lot bigger than 35 million. When you think that an average Hollywood film is, how much, 60 million without P&A, 60-70 million for your average Hollywood movie, this film looks big. I think that’s because we spent 6 years, 5 years, in pre-production and we figured out how we could do everything smart and cheap. Every single dime is on that screen.

Me: How close was it to never being made?

Darren: Yeah, in October 2002, an actor quit and the movie fell apart and it was basically dead and that’s when the graphic novel began because I just wanted to get the story out there somehow. So, we worked on the graphic novel and during that time period I was like, “There’s got to be a way to make this that I can do, that’s make able.” And that’s when I wrote the most guerilla version of it and what came out I showed to Eric, the producer, and he’s like, “Let’s go make it.”

Me: What happened with Hugh where you all of sudden thought, “I gotta get that guy”?

Darren: What happened with Hugh is that, to be frank, he wasn’t really on my radar because he had done X-MEN and he was great but hadn’t done much else.

Then, I went to his Broadway show. Even though that performance, “The Boy From Oz,” is so different than THE FOUNTAIN but there was so much passion and energy and charisma”¦he’s such an untapped talent. I mean, in this film, we really show every side of Hugh Jackman and he just really went for it.

So, I went backstage afterwards and he was really nice and I asked him what he was doing next and he said, “I want to do an Aronofsky film.” “Yeah? Prove it.”

(Laughs)

Then, I showed him the script and, what time do Broadway shows end, 10:30, he read it that night, called me at 10 am the next morning”¦he really got it. As you can tell that this is not your average film to get. So we talked about it and it meant that we had to wait another 8 months, we were ready to go at that point, but he had so much passion and I decided that outweighed the other stuff.

Why was this film right for the Comi-Con audience?

Darren: Well, there’s also the graphic novel.

So, not only is it this movie, it’s also this graphic novel. I mean, I am a comic fan and this just fits right into, you know, what we like. I’ll use the word “we” sparingly but it’s sci-fi, it’s got sword and sandal, and it’s got a love story.

Rachel: Is that a term? Sword and sandal?

(Laughs)

Darren: Isn’t it? It’s a genre.

Rachel: (Surprised) Really?

Thinking of the space portion of the movie? What were some of the challenges in making that part of the movie?

The challenges were, from a production point of view, is that you had to spend a lot of money for a third of the film. So that’s where it was a difficult film to make. It was kind of fun. The only challenge was that if you fuck up when you shave”¦when you make Hugh Jackman go bald, if you fuck up you’re screwed. Are there any kids here?

Rachel: No”¦

(Laughs)

Darren: If you don’t do anything with the Conquistador thing, then you messed up. We had to make sure we had everything before we changed his hairstyle.

For Rachel, what was the most challenging thing for you?

Rachel: I guess the most challenging thing was that it was very emotional, very raw, very exposed part. And it’s a good challenge because it’s a real acting job even though it’s housed inside a real science-fiction movie. I’m not playing an action babe, or whatever, I’m playing a very emotional character so that’s what drew me to it and that’s what was a challenge about it.

Me (Seconds before feeling like a dumb-ass for asking a dumb-ass question): Rachel, how close were you to not being in this movie? It has gone through so many changes, co-stars, etc”¦, did you ever say to yourself, “You know, I don’t think I want to put any more time into this picture”?

Rachel: I hadn’t been attached to it in its initial incarnation. Darren just recounted the story of how he cast Hugh and after he cast Hugh he only then went through the process of casting a female lead. And that’s when he came to me. I hadn’t been attached to it for a long time.

Can you tell us about your character?

Rachel: She’s a woman living in contemporary America who’s married to Hugh, they’re deeply in love and she finds out that she’s terminally ill. It’s about how she comes to terms with dying and leaving her partner. So, that’s why it’s a very emotional role. It’s about love”¦and death.

Darren: And it starts with the fountain of youth.

Rachel: Yep.

Darren: It will all make sense when you see it.

What’s been the reaction of people you’ve met here at the Con?

Darren: (Affecting the sound of a fan boy uncontrollably moistening his Jockey’s at the sight of Rachel) AAAuuuaaahhh!!!

(Laughs)

Rachel: Really passionate and really enthusiastic, everyone I’ve met. Very polite.

Darren: Everyone’s polite.

Rachel: “¦Being asked if there is going to be a MUMMY 3, which I don’t know the answer to. I really enjoyed it. I’m going to hit the floor later, I got a Catwoman mask.

(Laughs)

Darren: Shhh!!!

Rachel: There’s gonna be so many Catwoman’s out there”¦

Darren: Catwoman may NOT be popular. It was a big bomb.

Rachel: It was a big bomb?

Darren: It was a big bomb. I’m not sure it would be popular.

Me: Lessons learned from this whole project?

Darren: I think persistence and patience are two virtues of this film. I mean, the film is about rebirth. It’s about coming to terms with life and death. And the film died and was reborn again. So, that was a great process to witness because I think we had to go through that to make it. It was just too out there of a project to have it happen right away. It had to struggle. I think the only films that happen right away are if you do your comedy, do your action film, that’s what happens right away.

Director: Philip Zlotorynski
Writer:Chris Gore (screenplay), Adam Schwartz
Cast: Paget Brewster, Neil Barton, Eric Hoffman, Darren Reiher, Ashley Head, Brian Krow, Neil Hopkins, Rob Schrab
Release: Fall 2005
Synopsis: “My Big Fat Independent Movie” is a spoof along the lines of “Scary Movie” and “Not Another Teen Movie.” It includes parodies of some of the indie film world’s most renowned movies such as “Memento,” “Pulp Fiction,” “Magnolia,” “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” “Amelie,” “Run Lola Run,” “El Mariachi,” “The Good Girl,” “Pi,” “Swingers” and many others.

Prognosis: Positive. Of all the “First off” and “Before I begin” statements I could make, none could make me happier than saying that I love seeing the red banner trailer notice. There’s always an air of dangerousness about it because someone made the conscious choice to say, “You know, we could do it the way these people want us to make it”¦” but then go about how they want it done. Be it good, bad, sleazy or dirty, with regard to how well it turns out, you just have to respect the decision, you know?

With that said, the trailer’s damn sweet.

The slippery thing about starting a film with scads of WINNER/OFFICIAL SELECTION wreaths is that since this is a comedy and the voiceover is this jaunty man who begins his spiel with the words “Once in a great while” you’re almost inclined to disregard the display as the first of many jokes. This is perhaps the only point that needs clarification: this part of the trailer is the serious bit. A little research finds out that this flick HAS garnered all that attention and adulation legitimately. This is the one and the only time when the trailer takes anything seriously and so we now return you to the regularly scheduled R-Banner trailer.

You know I wish I wouldn’t say this and if I was really trying to be cool I wouldn’t but I love that things start off with Pauly Shore. I am a drunken fan of IN THE ARMY NOW and that bazooka scene at the end of the flick just ties together the simpleton narrative of the movie so nicely. That’s why I appreciate when we see Pauly getting annihilated by the very same extender bazooka. I may have lost all cred in the world with this paragraph but I can’t deny what’s funny to me.

Some of the confusion I felt at the first incarnation of this trailer when I reviewed it last year (!) was that I really didn’t have an idea of where this story was going. Sure, I understood that we had all these parodies but a parody does not a movie make. That’s why I was so pleased to see the goofing on SWINGERS which takes place. Not only does it profane the hip Daddy-O linguistics which the original flick embraced but I am finally getting somewhere with the story.

What’s more is that convention is being spoofed here and not so much just the emblems of the independent era. To put it another way, what movies like NAKED GUN did was just to be absurd for absurd’s sake. What this trailer is doing, with every subsequent goof, be that PULP FICTION or THE GOOD GIRL, is to make light of the story mechanics that pervaded all these movies.

That’s not to say, though, that there isn’t a good laugh to have here. There are lots to point an index finger at while laughing. I particularly enjoyed the meeting between AIMILE and our hero from DESPERADO. The quick exchange between our two protagonists, before one is dispensed with in a most marvelous fashion, is worth watching just for this.

The special effects that are employed throughout this trailer, though, are understandably low budget. The explosions and gun fire which punctuate a lot of this trailer look independent in nature but that its charm.

What you have here is a movie, which is understandably independent, and, instead of going the route of most every first-year film student, the movie looks to capitalize on the more eye-rolling conventions of the independent landscape.

Also, and I don’t want to go too far without noting this, you can never go wrong with lesbians in lingerie. Hell, I enjoyed it and even though those two women on the screen couldn’t be more hetro you throw a snippet like that in a trailer because you know what kind of reaction it will get, from the one segment of audience who you know will gobble that up like a bowl full of kibble.

And Clint Howard. How can you go wrong with a character actor like Slinky whose performance in TANGO AND CASH was so egregiously overlooked by the Academy.

In all, this trailer fires on the right notes and does what it is supposed to do. With subjectivity looming large over the heads of anyone trying to thumb what will play with the greatest amounts of people I can reasonably say that an orgy scene with more chicks in their underwear and depicts a midget getting all up in it with someone trying to ascribe the proper PC designation for him is perhaps the best way to end things.

I just wish this flick finally would come out before its material gets too old for its own good. Weird Al Yankovik understood the timeliness of a good parody and I hope this one does as well.

Director: Rupert Wainwright
Cast: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, Rade Sherbedgia, Selma Blair
Release: October 14, 2005
Synopsis: Exactly one hundred years ago, off the rocky shore of an isolated Northern California town, a ship of lepers was horribly wrecked in an eerie fog when the founders of the town purposefully misguided the ship, dooming everyone aboard. Now, tonight, the ghosts of the long-dead mariners have returned from their watery graves to exact revenge. Shrouded within a supernatural fog, the ghosts trap the residents of the remote community, intent on seeking out the descendents of those who founded the town…and killing anyone who stands in their murderous path.

Prognosis: Positive. Alright, everyone get it out of your system.

Scream out loudly about how it’s such in poor taste and how it’s so lazy that someone’s decided to remake John Carpenter’s classic in a shameless attempt at cashing in on a property like this. How it’s such a bad idea to tinker with something that should’ve been left alone. Now, I understand where the initial defiance comes from but the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake of last year should’ve been a good sign to a lot of purists out there that there can be solid reinventions of movies that many cultists revere.

After seeing this trailer, though, I have to admit that the rest of you can scream all you like but I think I may have to miss the protest in favor of seeing Maggie Grace walk around in her Victoria Secrets. Honestly, this really looks like a grand day out.

From the moment the trailer opens, and I am thankful, thankful, there isn’t a voiceover involved, the trailer takes its time. We get established early on with the place we’re talking about and the threat of what’s about to come.

The little man who is stationed at his radar, and you’ve got to give it up to all those bit actors who are the ones who sit at the radar screens, the one who tells everyone else about the impending doom (Consult for further reference: the guy from INDEPENDENCE DAY, the guy from TOP GUN, the dudes from THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER and CRIMSON TIDE, all sweaty from their time at the controls), informs who is probably going to be the first victim: Selma Blair. She looks like a late night disc jockey who questions why the fog bank that’s coming towards their sleepy little hollow of an island is doing just that. I mean, she’s a disc jockey. Hell, I wouldn’t know that fog doesn’t roll in. You could tell me that fog spontaneously appears wherever it wants and I’m pretty sure I’d believe you. But, whatever, she’s voicing the reason that causes us all to stir in our collective Underroos.

We get a little late night wind chime action to show how the wind’s picking up (Ooo”¦how spooky! Wind chimes!) and some fog outside a four pane window; I have to admit that the later is creepier than all shit as I get flashbacks from SALEM’S LOT. That scratching on the window from those two brothers who turn into vampires still scares the hell out of me.

From here Superboy and Maggie Grace, the two of them looking indelibly lost from an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog shoot, stir from their late night sleep. Maggie has a vision in her sleep; it looks like sunny pond water and algae but it wakes her up, scares her.

Flash to Selma driving home, still at night, and the fog forces her to stop her car. She can’t understand the fog’s appearance. As she’s wondering and hoping to her God to get out of it, her beater is slammed into by a semi (isn’t that always the way?) and it’s really sweet. The effect is nicely done as she’s jettisoned into a deep body of water and her panicky cries for help are just faded to black as Superboy, Maggie and a little kid, one you know won’t be killed (and what gives little kids the right in movies to stay alive? I was, and still am, pissed that Jason didn’t get to whack at least one in Part 6: Jason Lives.), wander the empty streets, Superboy knowing full well that the fog has already killed some people. How does he know that? Dunno, but we’re quickly hurried to our requisite crazy priest who asks that Maggie get herself off the island quickly. He looks like he, himself, has been hitting the blood of Jesus a little too much but when Maggie seems unconvinced I would have to agree.

And after we see a brother get it (Is that always the way in horror movies? Robert Townsend got that right a long time ago.) and even a kid seems in danger, we get it.

Maggie Walking around in her skivvies. Yes, while I have to admit it’s wholeheartedly needless and out of place and sexist and only proves that we live in a world where physicality and objectification of women’s bodies is still alive and well, I do also say it works. Shame on me, yes, but damn, that’s hot.

The doling out of the money shots work well, too, as there really does seem like a lot of work went into creating an experience that is at the same time enjoyable and a bit on the spooky side. Now, using the remake of Kevin Dillion’s THE BLOB as a point of reference, the genre of making films that all take place in the nighttime is a small but complex genre. You have to find ways of using the dark to your advantage as there is really only so many ways your DP can help light “dark” but when remaking something like this you not only have to execute the retelling really well you have to also come correct with a new way of envisioning a single tone.

The parting shot of a victim to the spooky fog, all frozen-like and mummified, is a good one and I hope it’s only prelude to some genuine thrills. The remake to THE BLOB wasn’t very entertaining but I hope Superboy and Maggie can add something that Drama couldn’t.

Director: Lexi Alexander
Cast: Elijah Wood, Charlie Hunnam, Claire Forlani, Marc Warren , Leo Gregory
Release: September 9, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A wrongfully expelled Harvard undergrad moves to London, where he is introduced to the violent undeworld of soccer hooliganism.

Prognosis: Positive. Favorite deranged character from a modestly budgeted film which launched the career of a virtual unknown into the stratosphere of big films and even bigger flops? That’s tough but I would have to go with Begbie from TRAINSPOTTING.

One of the things I liked about Robert Carlyle’s performance as the kind of sod who should have been tossed on his ass by his mates was that he was crazy insane and no one seemed to mind. The part where he tosses his pint glass over his shoulder and nonchalantly couldn’t have cared less about its trajectory? Pure class. I still find that moment one of the best ever captured on film. Ok, not the best but it sure is funny.

That brings us to this little film with Elijah “Homoerotic or Homosocial, You Figure It Out College Boy” Wood. You can tell immediately that the production value isn’t LORD OF THE RINGS but it’s nice to see him again after his very solid, very awesomely executed role in ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. Elijah thankfully takes the voiceover reigns on this one as he explains who he is and why he’s in the UK; he was kicked out of Harvard, for reasons we’re not given, but he’s there and he’s looking to go to a proper football match.

Now, his host, who is sharply dressed, bribes a member (maybe?) of the family to take Elijah to a game but the near skinhead objects about bringing a Yank to a match. Here’s where things get interesting. The reluctant tour guide has a little go at our diminutive envoy from the US. They’re play fighting, again for reasons which we’re not given, and Elijah is even kicked to which he responds that was the 1st fight he’s ever been in. He seems amused by this admission and our surly chaperone obviously points out that was no fight.

It’s game day and pints of beer, hopefully Guinness, are clinked together in a celebratory fashion. Everything about this scene in the pub denotes certain edginess. You’re not quite on even ground with the way things are going but you can see that things are going to get rough.

Thankfully, it doesn’t take long for the thugs in this football pep squad to devolve into a horde of ass kicking troglodytes. It’s awesome. Elijah protests ever so subtly that the dozen or so dudes who are swaggering in their general direction are probably going to start some shit. His minder doesn’t care and even yells at him to stand his ground.

Elijah comes correct as he swings his fists and just lets loose into the crowd. Here we were, thinking our boy was the innocent one, as the skullduggery just proves us wrong. He just melts into the fabric of his new crew and he takes part in their wanton, destructive acts and even tattoos his allegiance to these people into his chest.

The rest of the trailer drops some notable notables from a few publications, giving this movie some unneeded pimping as the product here sells itself to the right consumer. You’ve got a nice electronic beat behind everything, some violence mixed in for piquant of shock value and the lure that Elijah may take these things way too far by the end of the film.

Director: Paul Provenza
Cast: Jason Alexander, Hank Azaria, Steven Banks, Shelley Berman, Lewis Black, David Brenner and a veritable ton of others”¦
Release: August 12, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: One hundred superstar comedians tell the same very, VERY dirty, filthy joke–one shared privately by comics since Vaudeville.

Prognosis: Positive. Note to self: Sarah Silverman is in this trailer and I imagine I could watch an entire movie of her lounging around, like she’s doing here, on her couch in a snug fitting tank top.

However, this is an awkward trailer but it still works.

In David Mamet’s wicked awesome movie, THE SPANISH PRISONER, Scott Campbell creates something that’s worth a lot of money. The thing is, you’re never really told what it is or how much it’s worth even though he writes the figure down. See, the amount is shown to everyone else in the movie except the viewer. That’s brilliant. That’s good filmmaking.

Essentially, that’s the same thing going on here and so it’ll either be frustrating to some people or lure some people into what the hell everyone’s talking around, but never stating.

I could do a Google search and yield something but I don’t want to because the idea of deliberately not being told something is playful. I like that.

Drew Carey leads off what must be an in-joke with every comedian known to man. He starts off with the premise.

“A guy goes into a talent agent’s office and says, “˜I’ve got the greatest act in the world”¦”

Bill Mahr continues:

“‘It’s a family act”¦'”

Bob “Blue” Saget follows:

“And the agent goes, “˜Well, what do you people do?'”

The whole time this joke is being set up, countless names of performers in this movie flash and dissolves by on the screen. Whoopi Goldberg chimes in with aside about how it’s tough to shock people nowadays.

Quotes from established press are pimped out to show how darn hilarious this movie is.

George Carlin states his modus operandi for comedy.

What seems to be materializing, though, with everyone who is appearing on the screen is how comedy seems to function from those who have been doing it for so long. Andy Dick’s comments not withstanding, it’s good stuff; seriously, Dick was great when he was part of Newsradio’s ensemble but, on his own, he seems like a man desperate to hold onto just the premise of his own funniness.

Jake Johansson, another great comedian, comes back into the original topic of discussion and states that people could be put to death for some of the variations of this hardly told joke. I admit, I want to know what in G-d’s name they’re all talking about but it’s working me into a crescendo.

“I actually was an aristocrat.”

Sarah Silverman comes to tell us how she embodied the aristocrat persona but what is it?

I don’t know what’s so funny about this joke but to see that Rolling Stone say that I’ll laugh till it hurts is quite the kind of hyperbole that’s usually reserved for Stephen Segal movies. The classical music delicately playing in the background as Jon Stewart, Billy Connolly, Eric Idle, Paul Riser and Gilbert Gottfried all continue the joke’s narrative is just aggravating because I’m simply tempted to go to Google to find out what could be so uproarious.

I haven’t read what it could be but in the time that I’ve written this critique and have endured the onslaught of publicity this film has received I am already knowledgeable about the whole thing but I can’t figure out, for the life of me, what could be so damn funny about one joke.