FRED Entertainment

May 17, 2010

TV Or Not TV: 5/17 – 5/23

Filed under: TV Or Not TV — Tags: — admin @ 10:30 am

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Well TV viewer, it’s been a crazy week.

I’m going to preface this column by saying that as I sit here typing I am sick. I’m the miserable kind of sick that leaves you run down, your head filled with cotton, your sinuses on fire and all you want to do is crawl into the fetal position and welcome the blissful escape of sleep to help you in time-warping beyond your misery. Other than that though, I’m great. I’m also not much in the writing mood so here’s what I got out of the past seven days (and what I know of the few days to come).

NBC has finally and mercifully laid HEROES to rest. I’m glad because the show has been the biggest mess since the second season. They’ve also killed off just about every freshman show for this TV season. When the new TV season hits they’ve got plenty of couple-centric comedy, adrenaline pumping action and even a new super hero show to try to keep some of their HEROES audience. I won’t bore you with the details, however. I’ll instead just give you a link to the site where they have trailers for all of their upcoming shows that make just about every one of the shows seem like they are going to be great because that’s what trailers do. The only bit of depressing news that I can come away from all of this is that FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS features FRAN KRANZ in the trailer and he isn’t going to be a series regular. That’s a damn shame since the role seemed perfect for him and I loved his performances on DOLLHOUSE.

There’s going to be tons of more TV news this week with most of the networks doing their “upfronts” so keep an eye out because the info is out there.

Now let’s get the listing done so I can go back to bed.

MONDAY

CBS – 8:00 PM: TED takes a date to a movie only to find out that it’s loosely based on his life in the season finale of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Wait until you find out who wrote the script.

FOX – 8:00 PM: After tonight’s season finale of HOUSE the doctor will be out until next season.

NBC – 8:00 PM: It’s the penultimate episode of CHUCK before next week’s two hour season finale and it also marks the return of SCOTT BAKULA so I know what I”ll be watching tonight (if the Nyquil hasn’t overpowered me by then).

THE CW – 9:00 PM: I’ve not watched a single episode in my life but the season finale of GOSSIP GIRL is tonight.

ABC – 10:00 PM: Is BECKETT‘s new relationship with DEMMING causing a strain in her relationship with CASTLE? Wait, we are talking about a murder mystery show and not GOSSIP GIRL right?

TUESDAY

NBC – 8:00 PM: It’s the last regular episode of THE BIGGEST LOSER before next week’s season finale. I’m impressed and amazed that these final four contestants will run a marathon and I complain after four miles.

THE CW – 8:00 PM: 90210 has it’s season finale tonight and I can’t tell you a single thing about it.

ABC – 9:00 PM: Here it is folks, the last regular episode of LOST before the big season finale. I’m not going to lie to you guys, the fit really hits the shan tonight.

FOX – 9:00 PM: Tonight is that episode of GLEE I’ve been waiting for where JOSS WHEDON directs and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS guest stars. Oh yeah.

ABC – 10:00 PM: It’s the season finale for V but those lucky lizards will be back for another season so don’t be mad if it is a cliffhanger.

WEDNESDAY

FOX – 8:00 PM: FOX is taking a page from last year’s early preview of GLEE by giving us a special preview of the buddy cop show THE GOOD GUYS. The fact that BRADLEY WHITFORD‘s vet cop looks like he just stumbled out of an episode of STARSKY & HUTCH makes it worth the time to peep this out.

ABC – 9:00 PM: KOBE BRYANT guests on tonights episode of MODERN FAMILY.

FOX – 9:00 PM: Why does AMERICAN IDOL have to let JUSTIN BIEBER perform on tonight’s results show? Haven’t these contestants (and America) suffered enough?

ABC – 9:30 PM: It’s the season finale of the poorly named but cleverly written COUGAR TOWN.

THURSDAY

NBC – 8:00 PM: It’s season finale night for the comedy block on NBC kicking off with tonight’s episode of COMMUNITY. The Peacock is really hoping you stick around for PARKS & RECREATION, THE OFFICE (with special guest KATHY BATES), and 30 ROCK (with special guest MATT DAMON) as well.

FOX – 8:00 PM: It’s also season finale night on FOX with BONES and the second part of the FRINGE two-part season finale. FRINGE is worth viewing if for no other reason than this might be the final acting job that LEONARD NIMOY will perform before retirement.

CBS – 9:00 PM: The DICK AND JANE killer returns on tonight’s episode of CSI.

ABC – 9:00 PM: There are millions who will be tuned in to the GREY’S ANATOMY finale. I’m not one of them.

FRIDAY

CBS – 8:00 PM: It’s the night of spirit speaking finale’s on CBS with both THE GHOST WHISPERER and MEDIUM having their final shows of the season.

TBS – 9:00 PM: Although not the greatest piece of cinema ever created it’s amazing to see how fast LINDSEY LOHAN has fallen from her career high point in the 2004 movie MEAN GIRLS.

SATURDAY

ABC – 8:00 PM: It’s almost the end of LOST so they’re rolling out the two hour first episode tonight to help us get ready for tomorrow’s mega-TV event.

BBCA – 9:00 PM: After the last few moments of FLESH AND STONE I think the bachelor party scene at the beginning of tonight’s episode of DOCTOR WHO was a nice touch. The rest of the episode was just there for me but after a two episode Weeping Angels bit what do you expect?

SUNDAY

ABC – 7:00 PM: Tonight ABC is milking every single ratings point it can by getting the rabid fan base as soon as it can. LOST: THE FINAL JOURNEY takes a look at the show and it’s events as well as cast interviews to make sure we are in front of our TV’s at 9 PM tonight.

FOX – 8:00 PM: THE SIMPSONS try to fight off the LOST finale by bringing in the all of the judges from this season of AMERICAN IDOL to voice their animated counterparts.

CBS – 8:00 PM: CBS tries to fight the inevitable with country music with the two-hour special AMC PRESENTS: BROOKS & DUNN – THE LAST RODEO.

NBC – 9:00 PM: Can THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE stand up and fight going head-to-head directly against the series finale of LOST? Bad news DONALD, I see a big DVR audience in your future tonight.

ABC – 9:00 PM: This is is folks, after six years of television and some of the best story-telling on TV we’re about to see if I’ve wasted the past six years of my life watching this show in real time with the series finale of LOST. For all of the enjoyment that the show has brought me I’ve got no regrets. It is both a testimony to the audience and the show runners for actually arguing for a real end date for the show to do good by both.

FOX – 9:00 PM: So a few months back FAMILY GUY put out a special direct-t0-video episode titled SOMETHING SOMETHING THE DARK SIDE that served as the second re-telling of the STAR WARS saga by PETER. Tonight if you didn’t buy it or rent it you can watch it for free if you don’t give a toss about LOST.

ABC – 12:05 AM: Yes, technically this makes it a MONDAY show but this special JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE: ALOHA LOST is either going to serve as a fine tribute to the show or a consolation to all of the fans that feel like they were just betrayed by the finale. This will also feature a special segment with LOST executive producers CARLTON CUSE and DAMON LINDELOF that may contain their only comments in regards to the finale in the short term. I’ll be honest, I’m going to have to DVR this one. I’ve got work in the morning!

Soapbox: Fritz Lang’s M

Filed under: Articles,Reviews — Tags: , , , , , — Aaron @ 8:25 am

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M

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It is somewhat customary in the review of a classic to point out the age of the opus in question before insisting that it still feels “as fresh as ever.” It’s a lazy shorthand that can be used for Wagner’s Ring cycle, Joyce’s Ulysses and Citizen Kane in the same breath, a write-off that attempts to reassure the reader that hallmarks of art do not have to sit in a museum, not even collecting dust because of protective cases. The statement is usually presented on its own, a QED “proof” without demonstration, allowing the writer to move on quickly out of fear that he or she has nothing to add on an already thoroughly analyzed work (“What can I say about ____ that hasn’t already been said?” is also a trite shortcut that we have all used at some point no matter how much everyone hates to read the sentence). But, damn it, how can you talk about Fritz Lang’s masterpiece, M, without pointing out its continued ability to grip, illuminate and provoke on the eve of its 80th anniversary?

Before one can address the subject of M, one must first consider Lang’s career up to that point. The director spent his early career balancing between art projects and action-packed crowd-pleasers. Spiders, first earliest surviving film, is a two-part adventure epic that greatly influenced Spielberg’s Indiana Jones series, while Destiny (or Weary Death if you prefer the more accurate translation) was a more Expressionistic story despite its own plethora of special effects (which were so impressive that Douglas Fairbanks bought U.S. distribution rights so he could bury the film until he figured out how to steal those effects for his own Thief of Baghdad). From that point, Lang began to bridge the two, making significant artistic leaps in his next epics, Dr. Mabuse: The Gambler and Die Nibelungen, before starting to condense the grandeur of his work into shorter timeframes, starting with Metropolis and continuing with Spies. Spies in particular points toward M, having condensed and refined the crime thriller elements of Dr. Mabuse and lessened the Expressionistic material to a more realistic atmosphere — even its abandonment of traditional dissolves in favor of faster cutting aided this effect.

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Of course, the key difference between Spies (and Lang’s next film, Woman in the Moon) and M involved the development of working sound technology and soundproof camera casings. Lang, already an operatic director, seems in retrospect the perfect filmmaker to show the capabilities of the invention.

Contrary to popular belief, M was not the first major sound film; it was not even the first noteworthy German sound film, as Josef von Sternberg’s The Blue Angel premiered a year before. However, in the four years since talkies hit in 1927, nobody explored the boundaries of the technology like Lang. The failure of the early talkies, brilliantly lampooned in Singin’ in the Rain (a film that, as a musical, of course depends on sound), was in the tendency for filmmakers to treat the technology like a fad even though nearly everyone embraced it. Apart from the odd exception of Lubitsch’s early musicals or von Sternberg’s Blue Angel, talkies did not approach the level of the last silents, and when the Depression hit sound became a last-ditch effort to spike theatrical attendance when it first took a dive before later spiking.

But Lang establishes sound as an integral element of the film, inseparable from the rest of it. Sound introduces the child killer who terrorizes Berlin in the form of his voice and a shadow (the most overtly Expressionistic moment of the film and a audiovisual transition point of Lang’s career), allowing the murderer to remain out-of-sight and unknown to the audience; later, it is sound that destroys the man when his whistling is the clue that leads to his capture. That whistling, of “In the Hall of the Mountain King,” an innately foreboding song with is accelerando structure that builds from an eerily quiet and slow low register to a cascade, as well as the schoolyard rhyme the children sing at the start (carrying, like so many rhymes, a darker undercurrent) adds tension to the film from the start. And nothing conveys tragedy like the mother of wee Elsie Beckmann, the girl the killer abducts, as she calls for her daughter in panic, her disembodied calls played over shots of horribly empty places around the city (a all-too-common device today that was introduced here) before showing the ball the girl carried rolling out from behind a bush and the balloon the killer bought her floating into power lines.

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It is that minimalism, in fact, that makes M so unique among the director’s German output. His previous features, even the smaller ones (or at least the ones that survive) had bombast, swirling in Expressionism and Expressionism-lite. An earlier crime epic like Dr. Mabuse, with its supernatural antagonist, grabbed its audience through an advancement of Feuilladian editing and through the artistic visualizations of Mabuse’s mental powers. M, on the other hand, does not put anything in the frame that doesn’t need to be there. Consider how much mileage Lang gets out of whistling, how he sets a horrifying leitmotif with “In the Hall of the Mountain King” and later uses it to catch out Hans Beckert, who is himself freaked out by whistling when he is discovered by a lone searcher who then alerts the rest of his posse. Images are likewise spare, from the shot of the chalk ‘M’ a runner draws on his hand to slap on Beckert’s back to tag him as the murderer to Beckert’s last attempt to hide in an attic (an oddly and disturbingly prescient image in a film that criticizes the rise of Nazism) as footsteps grow louder until the door bursts open and a flashlight illuminates the culprit. Expressionism allowed artists to paint or film images that suggested ideas, a more universally legible portrait than the works of Impressionism, which convey only the artist’s sense of the subject, but M is more immediately arresting than any of Lang’s more aesthetically ambitious pictures. The images and sounds are all meticulously chosen to raise tension and put forward a social commentary, which is as didactic as you might expect but layered enough to provide more than a simple anti-Nazi sentiment.

Before M, crime films defined clearly good heroes and incontrovertibly bad villains. But Lang routinely contrasts the police who crack down on Berlin to find the child killer with the criminals who are so affected by the increased pressure that they also decide to hunt for the killer to return things to normal. The clearest distinction between the two groups, brilliantly intercut between planning conferences until it becomes difficult to tell them apart, is the simple truth that the criminals are more effective; in their conference, the criminals speak of forcing landlords and homeowners to allow access to their property for searching, at which point Lang cuts back to the authorities who speak of a similar plan, only for the wizened among them to warn against such a politically disastrous act. When Beckert is eventually collared by the thieving mob, the leader, Schränker (Gustaf Gründgens in the role that led to his immense popularity in Germany during the Third Reich), downplays the killer’s demands for legal representation by slyly assuring the man, “We are all law experts here.”

Not only does Lang blur the line between cop and criminal, he does so under the pretense of heightened realism (he even struck a deal with police to allow real criminals to work as bit players, and when shooting wrapped they scattered before cops could re-apprehend them). M opens with a gong strike which, according to the commentary track furnished by Criterion, linked the film to the radio newscasts of the day, as if establishing the film as docudrama. At first, M plays like a well-researched police procedural, as Inspector Lohmann uncovers tiny clues and examines them thoroughly as Lang inserts shot of blown-up photographs of fingerprints and psychologically breaking down the handwriting of the killer’s note to the press. At this stage, the film’s direction centers on the mystery of the killer’s identity and follows the legal process as if showing an audience watching a newsreel how police intend to capture the fugitive. That Hans Beckert is based on serial pedophile/killer Peter Kürten, captured only a year before the film’s premiere and executed several months afterward, only adds to the ripped-from-the-headlines immediacy.

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But Lang subverts his own film, itself already an innovation in terms of detail and precision, by showing Beckert’s face, that of a young Peter Lorre, faced still lined with baby fat. That sudden shift establishes Lang’s high-minded piloting of the events in directions the audience cannot expect. By revealing the face of the killer, Lang introduces a Brechtian element to the erstwhile realistic film that gives the audience a knowledge the other characters do not have. However, he subverts this influence, using Brecht’s style often as another mode of deception, as the revelation of Beckert suggests a change to a more personal profile of the killer, which M never becomes; at times, Lang uses this more objective viewing to lure the audience astray even though it tells us the truth. Even taken on its own, the scene carries an importance, as the shot of Beckert is played with a handwriting analyst describing the killer’s need for attention. As Lorre poses in the mirror, his facial contortions of menace and madness matching the descriptions of the analyst diagnosing Beckert’s writing as a form of acting. As the letter was meant for the press, we can gather from Hans’ sardonic attempt to look and act the way people expect him to that he not only exploits the press but is exploited by them, that the papers will turn him into that grimacing madman to sell more copies.

That mixture of social commentary with the personality of the killer has kept both the examination of Beckert as a killer and the society that hunts him fresh. Lorre gives one of the greatest breakout performance in all of cinema — there cannot be five others to match it — as a killer whose motivation is never explained away by a cruel childhood but who nevertheless does not fit into the role of a completely repulsive creature. In contrast to the nefarious blackguard of earlier films, Beckert does not wish to commit his crimes, and Lang often frames the killer in a way that suggests that his actions are out of his hands. He spots one girl in a mirror (portentously framed by a display of knives) and begins to whistle compulsively; he abducts her under the eye of the street rats who watch him, and Beckert must face all of his self-loathing and fear of his uncontrollable urges when the man who marks the killer makes Hans drop his knife, which the girl innocently picks up and hands back to the man who intends to use it to kill her. It’s a sublimely edited and framed sequence that shows how Beckert, while unforgivable for his crimes, deserves more consideration than the mob will show him.

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Naturally, compassion is the last thing on the mind of a mob. In the wake of the Beckmann murder, Berliners turn on one another, from upper-class men accusing each other and vowing to take each other to court for slander to crowds forming with alarming speed around a kind old man who tells a young girl the time, a move perceived as a lure. Made just before the Nazis took complete control of Germany and overthrew the Weimar Republic, M shows how mob rule both signified the current system, with a section of the criminal community living in open luxury from wealth gained through theft and cheating, and prefigured what Nazi policies would become when they took control, with citizens pointing fingers and naming names against those deemed suspicious. The mise-en-scène of any communal location, particularly the scenes of plotting, are swathed in cigarette smoke, choking the frame as if visualizing the noxious impotence of the authorities to right society’s wrongs and their inability to stop the rising tide of fascism and the rampant corruption of a society that more or less posited the cleverer criminals as the aristocracy.

The film culminates in a farcical underground trial run by the thieves, who know full well they will kill Beckert and whose decision to hold their kangaroo court anyway demonstrates how many legitimate trials are just for show. Lang seeps this sequence in irony, with the criminals swatting down Beckert’s initial protests that he cannot help himself by derisively saying how none of them can help himself when he’s called to the stand. Who better to see through the tricks and excuses than the other people who use them? But Hans throws it right back in their faces, saying they simply rob and swindle and could cease their crimes by looking for work. He, on the other hand, is driven to kill; in one of the most memorable monologues in cinema, Lorre contorts in despair and loathing, passionately recounting how something inside of him takes hold and directs him against his will to murder. “Who knows what it’s like inside me?” he cries, and for a moment the mob is struck dumb.

I first saw the film when I had a reactionary view of extreme crime. I scarcely wanted trials for rapists and murderers, much less compassion (even now, as an outed liberal, I will come down swiftly on rape). But M had a profound effect on me, dispensing with sob stories of childhood, an explanation that has by now become cliché in film and in reality, yet still examining how even the most abhorrent crime is not as black-and-white as we would like to believe. There is no forgiveness for murder or rape, but there must be understanding and empathy so that we might find a way to identify the mental imbalance and combat that as a method of crime prevention instead of focusing all of our outrage onto those who have already done their deeds. Lang stresses this in the final shot, after Beckert has been seized from his mock trial to attend an equally pointless one in a true court (he slyly hides how quickly the trial passes through editing, as the arm of an officer lands on Beckert’s hand in the kangaroo court as the man says, “In the name of the law” before cutting to the actual courtroom as a judge continues from that phrase and prepares to declare his ruling). Just before the judges hand down the inevitable death sentence, Lang cuts to three of the mothers who lost their children to the monster, who morosely note that no punishment can bring back their children. Even as the director shows the misery and horror Beckert has caused, he also points out how capital punishment only feeds our own thirst for revenge and does not truly administer justice.

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It is strange how so broadly sociopolitical a film is personal enough to speak about it from a first-person perspective. Goebbels, the Nazis’ propaganda minister, adored the film upon its release, missing the anti-Nazi sentiment expressed within entirely and reading the ending as an endorsement of the death penalty. If that proves anything, it’s that the Nazis perhaps weren’t as calculating and intelligent as we believe, or maybe they were and could not process the emotion of the film. Goebbels himself rejected what he called “degenerate art,” and while he initially made some exceptions for Expressionism he clearly cared more to see clearly defined objects and not the emotions they represented. Here, he saw a film operating in documentary-like fashion to attack the rampant crime of Weimar Germany and the necessity for harsh reprisal to force the seedier elements in line. (It was his reaction to M, in fact, that led Goebbels to seek out Lang to work for the Third Reich, leading to that infamous meeting between the two that has been greatly exaggerated, if it ever took place at all. Goebbels would, however, ban the film after Lang made an unmistakably anti-Nazi feature with The Testament of Dr. Mabuse, which used literal excerpts of Nazi doctrine, and then fled the country.)

For me, however, M offers not only, within the context of film history, the chance to see the language of fully synchronous sound being developed for the medium for the first time but, in terms of its sheer impact as a movie to be watched, an emotionally devastating statement by a director who was about to quit his country in complete disgust and fear. Thus, M is unmistakably didactic, but its messages are interlocked with its emotional and aesthetic directness. Perhaps the greatest illustration of this comes with the final lines, as a grieving mother makes the most obvious social statement when she proclaims, “You must look after the children. All of you.” Clearly a message, the moment nevertheless retains a power when one considers that, at that very moment, the Hitler Youth’s membership was growing and would soon become a social mandate for the children of Germany and Austria. These first-wave additions to the Hitler Youth would hit recruiting age by the time the war erupted, ensuring that they would be sufficiently brainwashed just in time for the Third Reich to call upon their loyalty. Lang certainly could not have known how deeply the Nazis would take root and pervert the nation — much of M‘s incisiveness is applicable in retrospect — but that ending runs deeper than a mere Nazi protest.

When different versions appeared in international releases, for example, this ending was typically cut in favor of a happier shot of children frolicking once more, now safe after (we assume) the state put Beckert to death. This is, of course, entirely antithetical to the proper ending, which calls for constant vigilance, not only to physically protect children but to prevent poisonous social ideas from rotting their minds. It’s a far more contemplative ending that calls for intelligence and skepticism, and the fact that other countries would remove this out of discomfort of its promotion of questioning authority makes Goebbels’ blind reading all the more hilarious. (That the last line, “All of you,” was originally “You too” before the final word got lost in irreparable print damage only further emphasizes the importance of the task Lang assigns to parents.) The true ending makes everyone culpable, both for cleaning up crime and raising a more vigilant and noble generation to replace us, all the while balancing the emotion of the scene on its own terms.

And now, I find myself back at the start, doing everything just short of begging to insist one last time that M will grab and provoke you regardless of your politics. When I say that it is superior to the psychological thrillers, sociopolitical statements and police procedurals released today, I do not do so to denounce all contemporary cinema as inferior to the “classics” nor to promote my “refined taste.” I merely want to impress upon you how incomplete the life of any film lover is without seeing it — and we live in a sad time when many people will speak of their love of cinema and never branch out of their own country’s output nor even delve deeply into that nation’s cinematic history — and how I can still find this much to write about it after a number of viewings. M will make you ask more of the crime films you watch; more importantly, it will genuinely make you question the justice system and whether capital punishment is acceptable just because it makes us feel a bit better about life. Above all, though, it will show you (or remind you, if like me you haven’t watched a Lang film in a while), that Fritz Lang is one of cinema’s true originals. This is confirmed by Claude Chabrol, who made a short homage to M for the French TV program Cine parade. When asked about remaking some shots and making his own Langian spins on others, the New Wave director, famous for his own psychological thrillers, noted the difficulty of reproducing Lang’s precise detail. I’ve spent nearly 3500 words discussing why the film sears into me, but Chabrol nicely cuts through the technique, the blocking, the commentary and everything else with six cautionary words to those who would aspire to this film: “Trying to imitate Lang is madness.”

m_blurayM is out now on Blu-Ray in Region-A by Criterion and Region-B by Eureka! in their ongoing “Masters of Cinema” series. While picture quality may have been somewhat improved by separating the feature and the extras onto separate discs, M likely looks as good as it ever will, with greatly reduced scratches and pops without loss of grain. Screenshot comparisons between Criterion and Eureka’s editions show a darker color grading on the Criterion transfer, but those who have watched both cannot point to one as the superior looking film. As M is a landmark in sound film, the uncompressed mono track is arguably the bigger draw, and while M doesn’t exactly tax the surround-sound the clarity of the track is astonishing. The Criterion Blu-Ray ports over every feature from its 2004 DVD, including:

-A commentary track by Anton Kaes, a University of California at Berkeley professor who wrote the BFI Film Classics volume on the movie, and Eric Rentschler, a German professor at Harvard and author of The Ministry of Illusion: Nazi Cinema and Its Afterlife. The track is engaging and deeply insightful, featuring shot breakdowns, thematic explication and reams of well-researched detail, such as Goebbels’ diary entry on the film and news articles on Peter Kürten, the killer who inspired Beckert’s creation. Both speakers sound as if they could easily be quite dry on their own, but together they boost the other and reduce any dead air. Criterion hires the best for their commentaries, and these two deliver in spades.

A Conversation with Fritz Lang, in which director William Friedkin (The Exorcist, The French Connection) speaks with the eye-patched director only a year before his death. Friedkin asks Lang about the social messages in his films, and Lang offers up plenty of juicy, apocryphal stories such as the supposed encounter with Goebbels and his own projection of what working for the Nazi propagandists might have been like. The interview reveals a great deal of Lang’s mindset with working and his disdain for certain elements of the filmmaking process (including giving interviews), but some of the most entertaining moments come from Lang deflating Friedkin’s readings with his more pragmatic explanations — Lang was never as leftist as films like M and Metropolis would have people believe.

-Claude Chabrol’s M le Maudit, the 11-minute recreation he made for French TV, is included, as is his brief interview discussing Lang’s influence on his work.

-An interview with Harold Nebenzal, son of the film’s producer, Seymour. Nebenzal discusses his father’s work producing notable artistic triumphs from the period, including G.W. Pabst’s The Threepenny Opera (which incidentally was also lensed by M‘s cinematographer, Fritz Arno Wagner, and was also one of the first films to deal with crime in a complex manner). Seymour would also flee Nazi Germany and wound up in Hollywood, where he funnily enough produced the remake of M in the ’50s, though it fell pray to anti-Communist blacklisting. Harold paints an intriguing portrait of his father, from Seymour’s founding of independent financier Nero Films through his Hollywood work, and for all of Lang’s thunderous hatred of producers expressed in the Friedkin interview, Nebenzal comes off as someone who tried his best to support artistic talent wherever he worked.

-Audio tapes of editor Paul Falkenberg giving a guest lecture at the New School. The audio is synced to the clips of the film being discussed in the class, though Falkenberg speaks more of behind-the-scenes production and the film’s history than the specifics of many shots. Still, he’s an engaging and disarming speaker, and his insights into the film’s making are well worth a listen.

A Physical History of M, the best of the original features, charts the film’s path from premiere to its 2004 restoration, discussing its reception and recutting at the hands of those looking to make a bigger profit off of it. In some cases, extra sound was added over the more purposefully silent portions of the film as a gimmick (thus ruining the careful and innovative use of the technology that would make it a more involving addition to cinema); elsewhere, various parts were chopped up and re-sequenced for international distribution. This mini-documentary is not only a well-mapped progression of M‘s lost footage and subsequent restorations but a fascinating look into the travails of early sound cinema (when everything had to be re-shot and re-dubbed instead of just subtitled) and the laudable work done by restorers who literally piece great films back together out of multiple prints and the written instructions of the filmmakers. Finally, Criterion shows how their own digital restoration, upon the most complete print of the film in existence, removed dirt and scratches without affecting the actual image. Criterion has since largely stopped showing restoration demonstrations after some studios took offense (perhaps out of embarrassment at the state they’d allowed some of their finest works to fall into), but this thorough demonstration of the work put into keeping great films alive will make you appreciate the efforts of restorers everywhere. My only complaint with this feature was that it was not updated to show how they processed the film for Blu-Ray, but that’s a minor quibble.

-The jackpot, however, is the long-lost English version of the film, found and cleaned up for the Blu-Ray release. Its interest lies purely in historical context, but it’s engrossing to see just how much trouble people had to go to make a sound film back when people were used to just swapping out the title cards for international distribution in the silent era. Most actors are overdubbed, but Lorre speaks at least a portion of his words, thus making his work on M not only his breakout but his first English-speaking role. What’s most interesting about the English version is the altered ending, which loses the didacticism of the original but also in many ways the point. I would have liked Criterion to provide some subtitles for this, however, as the dubbing loses so much of the aural sophistication that it can be impossible in some places to understand what’s being said. Still, this is just about the niftiest special feature that could ever come attached to the movie and it’s a huge find for film buffs.

-Also included is a stills gallery of production photos, sketches, promotional material and more, as well as a booklet containing an article by the great New Republic critic Stanley Kauffmann, the only living critic who might have seen the film when it first came to America in 1933; an outline for a missing scene; three articles from contemporary German papers and film periodicals assessing the film’s themes at the time of its premiere in the midst of a public hysteria over serial killers, including one article by Lang himself; and an interview with the director conducted in 1963 by film historian Gero Gandert.

The Eureka! Blu-Ray also comes with the English version and the 2004 commentary, as well as a second track recorded in 2003 with Martin Koerber, who aided the 2001 restoration that has since become the basis for home video releases (including both Blu-Rays and the 2004 Criterion DVD) as well as director and film historian Peter Bogdanovich. The track also includes excerpts from Bogdanovich’s 1965 interview with Lang. Also featured is a 20-minute documentary on Lang, and a booklet that reprints the missing scene pages and the article Lang wrote after the movie premiered from the Criterion set, in addition to another article by Robert Fischer. The Criterion set has more extras, but I can’t imagine anyone across the pond being disappointed by what they get.

Jake Cole is a 20-year-old journalism student at Auburn University who hopes to become a critic. He constantly updates his blog, Not Just Movies [with link to site here], where he garrulously spouts about film, television and whatever else strikes his fancy. In his considerable free time, he wonders what it would be like to know how to talk to women

Hands Down #5

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Welcome to Hands Down, FRED’s own look into the world of the folks that frequent this sordid world of geekery. Follow Aaron, Brian and Colin (and a menagerie on the way) as they traverse the light fantastic or some such nonsense… What? It’s an online fortnightly comic strip, what kind of description did you expect?

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VISIT THE HANDS DOWN ARCHIVES

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Written by Aaron Poole. Art by John Merker. Copyright 2010.

May 16, 2010

Soapbox: Paying To Be Used

Filed under: Articles — Tags: , , , — Aaron @ 5:09 pm

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Paying To Be Used

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Right now, you’re reading the words of a hypocrite.

Though I’ve participated in it more than once, I still hate the used game market. Need a quick list of reasons? Of course you do. Well, I’ve got three big ones:

1. Unfair Trade-in to Mark-Up Ratios:

Companies like Gamestop buy back current best sellers for about 50% of retail, and that’s if you’re lucky. A few weeks after MAG’s January release for PS3, the game’s trade value had already dipped to around twenty dollars. However, the shelf price for the used copy was still clocking in at 55 dollars. It takes very little math to figure out the profit margin on that transaction.

If you don’t have a (paid) Gamestop membership you’re paying 92 percent of the retail cost for most used copies of new release titles. Even with the extra 10% off you don’t fare much better (the cost plummets to 82.5% of retail).

Meanwhile, Gamestop paid about 20 bucks to the guy trading in his copy – and they probably paid him with in-store credit that was then reinvested into Gamestop. By the end of the day, the worst Gamestop does on that used title is 145% pure profit. If you don’t have a membership they’ve taken you for around 175% profit – and that’s if you walk out the door without spending it right away.

You’ll notice that none of that math takes into account state and local taxes – but that brings up my second point:

2. Amazon Does New Better than Gamestop Does Used:

I know it’s a bit of a loophole, but Amazon.com has the benefit of being able to slink around tax laws as a sort of amorphous entity. Outside of certain places, Amazon doesn’t charge you tax on your purchases. Sure, there are shipping costs, but they offer free shipping above twenty five bucks and most new games are clocking in at twice that or better – so I think we can call that a wash.

In terms of the tax implications, I’ll illustrate using my local sales tax as an example of how quickly a used title loses value:

My local tax rate (in Denton, Texas in case you’re curious) is 8.25%. So, for every 55 dollar purchase, I’d wind up paying $59.54 – if we’re being fair let’s assume I have my membership card and my cost goes from 49.50 to around 53.50. Suddenly, I’m picking up a hand-me-down title with at least a little wear and tear and I’m only saving somewhere between .50 cents and 6 dollars.

Sure, that gets me a designer coffee – or some gum – but as a consumer I give up quite a bit of power for very little savings. This would suck all by itself – even if we didn’t know that Gamestop is taking home 150% profit while we, the consumer, hover around a misguided status quo.

When you pile on by considering that a lot of online chains (even Gamestop on occasion) have started offering 10 dollar gift cards with the purchase of a new game – the used game market seems even more indefensible – unless you’re looking for something older of course, but that’s not the focus of this piece.

3. Game Developers Get Hosed:

I saved my third reason for last, but it’s by far the most compelling. I want you to think very hard about your favorite underrated game of all time – and I want you to quietly fume about how they never made a sequel for it.

Now, I want you to consider how many people paid Gamestop 150% profit on that title while seeing none of that revenue sent back to the original artists. In terms of pure profit, that game may have outdone a dozen titles that year – but in terms of the raw sales dollars that get reported to publishers – they’re stuck counting only the first time through.

If you bought a title like Call of Duty: World at War or Dragon Age and then sold it back after a week, even if the game is re-sold before it hits the shelf, that doesn’t contribute to the “official” success of the title.

With games that demand a sustained online presence such as Madden, Halo or Modern Warfare – it actually costs developers and publishers more every time someone picks up a used copy instead of a new one. Sure, you could make an argument that the raw number of users remains stable if there’s a one-to-one transfer of a used game – but that doesn’t take into consideration community dynamics and data management issues – never mind that the only party not receiving a good in the trade-in triangle is the game company itself.

Player X sells back a game to Gamestop – they get 33% of their original investment back, but likely enjoyed all of the end user features. Gamestop then repackages that game for 150% profit, sending none of it back to the developer, and player-y gets to resume the previous use of the end user content. Everyone in this scenario has either saved, or obtained money from one party or another – except the developer. What’s the developer doing? They’re offering 100% of the support they’d been offering before.

If that seems fair to you, I hope you burst into flames.

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Really? Flames?

Ok, yes, despite that very strong condemnation and despite my previous three points – I still get sucked into buying used games several times a year – so, maybe I don’t want you to combust just yet.

I get it. Retail stores offer incentives – “buy two get one free,” “ten percent off the already discounted price,” and let’s not forget the magazines.

I buy used games for the same reason I once weighed 230lbs – the temptation to consume outpaces my desire to be responsible. I’m too impatient to wait for a few days to have a game shipped at a lower cost. Instant gratification makes me into a cruddy person. I admit it. But, I also hate it, and I have no problem with some of the steps companies like EA have been taking over the last couple of years to undermine my baser instincts.

Prevention By Incentive:
I know we’re an entitled bunch. We being humans, gamers, and in my case you can add American to the list. We want things done our way, we really think that the customer is always right, and we’re happy to shout it over the phone or refuse to tip if someone refuses to honor it.

The problem is, we often spout that crap at people we aren’t paying. If you can’t get game support, DLC, or your warranty honored for your used game – it’s not because the game company is ripping you off. It’s because you didn’t actually make a transaction with them.

I’ve heard a lot of complaints from fans about downloadable content in general these days – about the audacity of a company who’ll ship a game and then ship the DLC later – as if fans are being ripped off by developers looking to milk them for all they’re worth.

My favorite example of this has been Bioware’s Effect 2 and Dragon Age: Origins titles. Both games come with free DLC right out of the box – but that DLC also comes with a catch.

It’s the catch that has plenty of people upset with Bioware, which is a quick stepping-stone to proving my point. You see, if you buy either of these titles new, you get the extra DLC at zero cost. If you buy the games used, you wind up paying an extra fifteen dollars for the same DLC.

A lot of fans have lobbied under the radar of logic by claiming that the DLC should have been on the disc to begin with and that Bioware is just trying to leech money from fans. True fans don’t make that argument because they bought their copies new. The only way you wouldn’t get the extra content is if you didn’t buy a new copy – and as I showed before, if you bought a used copy, you didn’t actually pay Bioware anything for the game you’re playing – let alone the extra content you claim you have a right to.

In case it isn’t clear – I’m all for this type of positive reinforcement of new sales. “Buy our titles new and you get free content,” is the rallying cry – however it can easily become negative reinforcement to those who want to get something they haven’t paid for.

Still, it’s hard to back any gamer who says, “I have a right to all the content and you had better give it to me or I’m never buying another Bioware game again!” Guess what buddy, you didn’t buy this Bioware game – so why should they focus test your opinions when moving forward with their business?

The other bonus of this particular strategy (which has also been used successfully in titles such as Rock Band) is that it makes buying a used game cost MORE than a new game during the crucial early stages of retail. Sure, there are built in degradations that help spur used sales later – such as that inevitable time when it will become cheaper to buy the DLC separately. But in the first few months of retail, EA has basically found a way to turn 55 dollar used games into 70 dollar used games. Not a great investment when the same game would cost you less than 60 bucks new at retail (extras included).

GamestopWithTextureAndTagTrue Leeches:
I don’t know how else to say it. Stores like Gamestop give gamers less for most games than Bioware (and others) charge for premium DLC. They then sell those games for three to four times what they pay for them. They make all of this money, while basically playing the pimps of game retail world. Hard working game developers and creators take all of the actual risk, put in all the meaningful man hours to create these experiences for us – and they wind up relegated to turning tricks for a group of nobodies – and get little to nothing in return.

Then we, the sycophantic bastards that we are, we look them in the eyes and say, “pretend that you’re having a good time – I’m paying for this.” We’re lucky that developers still keep making games in this dangerous and competitive business. We’re lucky that publishers keep funding games knowing that they’re forced into bed with this type of retailer: one that passes on risk, but ends up leeching dollars like a succubus. Gamers are probably lucky that we don’t get sprayed with Mace every time we swipe our Edge cards.

As with most used dealers of anything (from flee market gypsies to auto dealers), the only people not getting screwed are the people pawning off the goods. Yeah, gamers are getting unfairly punished at times for the sour business practices of companies like Gamestop – but it’s because we had plenty of time to do the right thing and didn’t. Instead we decided to watch the market blister and peel thanks to unfair pricing coupled with zero loyalty to the originators of the craft.

In all, Gamestop and companies like them aren’t even in the used game market as much as they’re in the used gamer market. They’re taking advantage everyone in the chain by exploiting their middle-man position to the fullest. Worst yet? They’ve got thousands of gamers voices backing them up, instead doing what they should be doing and lobbying for the developers – the artists of our medium. Why? Over five bucks? Over a designer cup of coffee? Well, bank on this: the final cost will be far greater.

Steven Kilpatrick

Opinion In A Haystack: Gift Cards For ROBIN HOOD

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Homer: One adult and four children.

Clerk: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?

Homer: What’s that?

Clerk: Well it’s money that’s made just for the park. It works just

like regular money, but it’s, er…”fun”.

Bart: Do it, Dad.

Homer: Well, OK, if it’s fun…let’s see, uh…I’ll take $1100 worth.

[he walks in, sees all the signs: “No I&S Money”, “We Don’t take Itchy and Scratchy Money”, etc.]

– The Simpsons

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The following cries of insanity are not regarding credit cards, debit cards, traveler’s checks, Visa “pay-as-you-go” cards or any form of Gift Card that is of the unique nature of being worth slightly more than what the buyer paid out. Only straight-up 100% normal Gift Cards are applicable to this meandering stream of anger.

Look, I’m not Michael Moore, I’m not some anti-capitalist kook. I’m no economist, politician, political commentator, business man, or bullshit artist. I’m Joe The Plumber, but with no bias, I’m just “JOE,” er”¦well, Bob, but you see metaphorically I’m him without a partisan slant, because”¦forget it”¦

I LOATHE GIFT CARDS. LOATHE THEM.

In no way is any anger directed at the businesses which offer the service of gift cards, I get why they do it. Target, Best Buy, Blockbuster, Walmart all want their own Itchy and Scratchy fun money, and reasonably so. Get the consumer to buy proprietary currency for other people, call it a “GIFT” and ensure future business whilst also already having their money in hand. No, I get it, and if I owned a business I would be forced to do it, but I am not an owner, I’m a consumer, and as “one who consumes” (recently cheeseburger flavored Doritos, guh,) I am entrenched in anger and disappointment at my fellow consumers for letting this go on.

Where’s the benefit to us?

Are we so complacent as a people that we let the one and only benefit, “not being tacky,” force us to not only keep purchasing gyp cards (correction: Gift) but to, more importantly, not devote a single brain cell as to WHY this makes sense? When you give someone a gift card you are essentially saying the following:

“Thurmond, in an effort to avoid the tacky social no-no of giving you $25 cash, I’ve decided to show my appreciation for you as a friend/relative by driving to a local store, one that carries products you use/enjoy, and turned nigh-globally-usable currency backed by the Government into less-usable currency backed by a privatized company with the ability to go bankrupt. This proves I care about you because that Seinfeld episode said so. Now let’s watch American Idol on my iPlorb.”

What it comes down to is, regardless of all the negatives, useless effort, and stupidity, the “gift” of a gift card is making the slight effort to avoid giving cold, hard cash. I guess you could, barely, add on top of that the “gift” of picking a store that most likely has at least, by very good odds, one or two products your “gift recipient” might be interested in. Hence, the counterpoint is that we buy gift cards to show that we know at least something about a person’s interests in life, thus vicariously showing that we care. Simplified: IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

Is that really the type of thought that counts? Shouldn’t your friends and loved ones care more about the fact that you use your noggin once in a while instead of blindly following the herd. How personal is it to give someone a gift card to a Mega-Department-Store with 3 billion different items in stock? If my little murmurs do, in fact, get you to choose cash over gift cards one day and the recipient gives you grief over it, in so many mumbled words saying to your face that “there’s no thought in cash, and it doesn’t count,” then respond with some honest truth:

“Thought? Well Thurmond, I’ve honestly put more thought into that $25 cash than most people ever have buying a socially accepted monument to banality known as a gift card. A gift with literally no benefits over cash. I sat and thought, and realized that I care enough about my friend/relative to not placate his emotions with hollow gestures of his consumerist pleasures, instead I decided to give him a simple, direct lump sum of usable currency to do anything he so desires with. Let us leave the worth and value of our relationship to the bond we share and not my ability to guess which department store carries your favorite brand of VHS tapes. Now let’s go watch The Never Ending Story III on my iGroinder, Jack Black plays the villain!”

You could just forgo all of this and buy Thrumond a gift (a gun, a pony, a box filled with wet food,) but for today’s little rant we are pretending that isn’t an option. Seriously though, does that type of sentiment happen in other areas of life when making a purchase? Would this scene happen at a car dealership:

Carlyle the Car Salesman: Hello Sir, what kind of automotive dream can I sell you on this fine evening?

Thurmond: Well, Carlyle, my son is a stonemason’s apprentice and I would like to show my love for him and my care for his passion and profession by buying him an appropriate car.

Carlyle: Choosing not to dwell on the fact that you know my, rather difficult to guess, first name, I’d like to move on and ask if you have a price and style of car in mind?

Thurmond: Well, considering he’s a stonemason, I would like a car that costs as much as one of your SUVs but is completely made out of bricks.

Carlyle: Choosing not to dwell on the sheer silly nature of your request, would you also like the wheels to be made of bricks?

Thurmond: Even the Wheels my good sir!

Carlyle: Luckily, it being the year 2345, we have a molecular-matter-synthesizer in the back”¦the kind conveniently only available to car dealerships of the FUTURE, which of course I didn’t need to point out, since to us it is most certainly the present.

Thurmond: Well then, here’s $30,000 in Future-Money.

Carlyle: Here’s your receipt for your purchase of $30,000, which suspiciously does not contain over 300 years of inflation, again”¦something I have no reason to point out since to me and you it would just be the norm.

Thurmond: I’d like my Brick Car now.

Carlyle: It’s the future.

Why pay money for less versatile things only in pursuit of sentiment? Now some people have told me that they like gift cards because it gives them an excuse to go shopping, a break from the normal everyday guilt of shopping with their own cash when there are more important expenses to take care of. Your own consumerism guilt is almost an entirely different issue than the one I am addressing. All I can say is watch this and learn its message.

I’m not a smart man, and deep down I know that any frequent gift card purchaser knows just about every useless aspect of what they are buying, they’d have to right? It’s not like it takes that much brain power to compute. I mean, am I wrong? Do I have no point? Please let me know, I would love a satisfactory rebuttal to my “war” against gift cards”¦I’ve been waiting years for one. With that said, isn’t a gift card really, ultimately, a gift dead in spirit. A morsel of outreached disenchantment from someone trudging through motions they no longer put their time into. Perhaps I’m the minority, but I would rather receive a gift of an item I hate, than a gift of pure mandatory reluctance, such as a gift card, especially from someone I loved.

Think before you buy that Itchy and Scratchy Money. Is it fun, or is it a meaningless exercise in complacent pre-conception? As for me, you might wonder if I dabble in hypocrisy, and you’d be right. I’ll accept gift cards. I’ll take them, spend them, use them to unlock doors, clean under my fingernails, deflect a pee stream, and throw them like little Frisbees at people’s eyeballs. However, I won’t buy them. No way, no how. Still a hypocrite, right? Send complaints to: Bottom of the page.

ROBIN HOOD

A Spoiler Free Discussion and Semi-Review!!!

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The past week in my head all I’ve heard, in an extremely sarcastic voice, is the following statement:

“The new Robin Hood movie is the Gladiator version of Robin Hood.”

That’s it, that’s ALL I hear, NOTHING ELSE! Seriously though, the voice is painfully sarcastic (the fake voice in my brain, well…hopefully fake,) to the point of being illegible. For some reason, I envision a soccer-mom type person saying it at a PTL meeting. A vast ocean of undersexed women wearing mom-jeans and attempting to discuss the inside Hollywood scoop that is this one singular goofball observation as if they were on set and Ridley Scott just kept saying “Do it like we did on Gladiator“¦yeah, cause this is like that, LIKE GLADIATOR!” Oh soccer moms, how you have the world figured out. Here’s a snippet of my own personal hell, if I was reincarnated as a sweater-vest in suburbia:

Soccer Mom #1: Oh yeah, it’s suppose to be just like Gladiator.

Soccer Mom #2: Well, Agnes said that it has that Gladiator actor in it, the one with the muscles.

Soccer Mom #3: Oh I love him, his acting is so good.

Soccer Mom #2: it is good! Good observation, he really is good. He was good in Gladiator, so he should be good in this. He’s so good.

Soccer Mom #1: Well the people that made Gladiator, made this, so we will probably go see it as a family outing, since it’s going to be like Gladiator. The same people made it, so you know”¦

Soccer Mom #3: I love movies, it’s our family hobby. Last week we rented Milo & Otis, which wasn’t made by the Gladiator people.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh that is a good movie. I love those animals.

Soccer Mom #1: They make a lot of animal movies, and they make some that are good and some that aren’t as good, but I really enjoy the good ones, because they are good and when it’s good”¦.

Bob The Sweater Vest (worn by Soccer Mom #2): You know ladies, I hate to interrupt, but your conversation is so mind numbingly useless that blood is actually starting to pool inside my body cavity.

Soccer Mom #2: Is that what that moisture on my back is?

Bob The Sweater Vest: Yes, that is my brain fluid leaking on to your skin.

Soccer Mom #3: The existence of a sentient sweater vest destroys my fragile life of 1950’s values and obtuse worldview. I’ve been living an existence of gray, in a sea of crushed dreams.

Bob The Sweater Vest: Sorry, I just needed you to stop talking about Robin Hood.

Soccer Mom #1: The one that’s like Gladiator?

Is the new Robin Hood like Gladiator? Sure, why not? It has three things in common with Gladiator: Russell Crowe, Ridley Scott, it’s a movie. That proves it. Plus the Producer Brian Grazer said it here. So, now that that’s out of the way, how is Robin Hoodiator? (Gladin Hood? Robiator Glood? Gladiatorobin Hoodin? Hoody Roby Glady Atorhood?) Honestly? Boring. Wait, but Gladiator wasn’t boring? Also, Robin Hood is a prequel story, which Gladiator isn’t a prequel”¦so that’s 2 things that are different. Let us not forget that Russell Crowe’s name is different in this movie, so that three differences from Gladiator. Wait let’s do the math:

3 (similarities) ““ 3 (differences) = O

Hence, the movies are equally not the same and as different as they are vice versa, thus yielding them as two separate entities, which are the same thing. Thank Odin for math and logic or else none of this would make sense.

Apologizing for getting that out of my system is probably too little too late, but if you are still with me I appreciate it. In all seriousness, I wasn’t being coy in the midst of my rambling; Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is immensely boring. There’s a lot of draw backs to point out, but that is the main gripe. I’m not going to be one to compare it to every other adaptation of the material, except one, Kevin Reynolds’s Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (the Costner one.) Why? Well, Costner’s movie has taken its licks over the years. He had no English accent, we get it. However, Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, accent or no, is a damn entertaining flick, action packed, quote filled, has a clean through-line, and it holds dynamite performances, especially from Alan Rickman. Don’t get me wrong, I love Errol Flynn, and he will always be the world’s premiere cinematic Robin Hood (although I would argue that Cary Elwes and that Disney Fox are no slouches either.) I’m in my late 20’s”¦Kevin Costner is my Robin Hood, that is just how it is, and I’m not going to apologize for it (however, I’ve seen Cary Elwes’s performance more times that any of them.) Now, after witnessing this generation’s Robin Hood film, I’m wondering if this uneventful ode to boredom will alleviate some of the insults thrown at Costner’s Hood for almost 20 years. Put the two side by side and I know which one I’m choosing to watch when sitting on my couch looking for a period-piece action flick, and I would guess most people would do the same after viewing both.

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Why did the movie fail on every level to be captivating? Well to use a tired review cliché, Ridley and Crowe seem to be completely on auto pilot. It felt like an uneventful evening that just passes by while you stare at your leg nervously twitching. The only spark of interest in the whole production comes from the supporting characters, mainly Robin’s three merry men, and Friar Tuck. The reason being that every one of them is played for comic relief, which in a movie as stilted as this, should just be called relief.

The advertising is especially misleading as well as the title, if you didn’t know, it’s a prequel of sorts to the well known legend of Robin Hood. Brian Helgeland’s script, with the exception of the last 3 minutes or so, does not cover any of the familiar territory we know and love about the character. This is fine. I have no qualm if that is the story you want to tell, but why name it ROBIN HOOD? Why not Robin Of The Hood, or go with the original title Nottingham? It’s too confusing, and you don’t even bother to sort out the confusion in the trailers and TV spots. The movie is not overtly a prequel to any specific property, other that the story of Robin Hood IF IT HAPPENED FOR REAL, so I guess in their defense it doesn’t need to be advertised as such, since the character of Robin Hood is in the movie. Still, confusing.

This is one of those oh-so-annoying cases where the movie isn’t really “bad,” it just hovers over that label of not qualifying as good entertainment. With the exception of pacing, Ridley Scott’s direction is very much on the ball, he just seems to have fell asleep when it came to the moments in which the movie should be ramping us up. A great example of this is the final battle, it just sort of”¦begins. There’s several moments of people arriving at a field/beach and they start fighting and then poof, movie over. Perhaps it’s the film’s quest to be so realistic and “historical” that drags it through the gutter, the boredom caused by a movie with no “movie moments.”

There’s been a lot of complaining about Crowe’s age in this film, he’s in his late 40s (I think) and Robin Hood should be younger and more spry apparently, especially considering this film takes place before the legend begins. Personally, it doesn’t seem like a problem to me, mainly because his age is never noted in the film itself. Michael J. Fox still looks like he’s in his 20s, some people just don’t look their age, older or younger, why is it so hard to suspend the disbelief for Crowe? Crowe does a fine job in the role”¦I guess. I mean he seams to just be playing Russell Crowe set to “medium” energy, which is annoying since no one will give him the crap they gave Costner, who is always at “medium” energy (and that’s why we love you Kevin, you beautiful “medium” tempered son of a gun!) If you really want to complain about the age thing, start screaming about the great Max Von Sydow, as in this movie he seems to be almost double the age, if not more, than men used to live in that time period. I wouldn’t normally say anything, but for a movie that sacrificed the enjoyable aspect of a legend for a historically accurate feel, why go and cast someone as old as Max? (The answer: He’s a great actor, one of the best living.)

I didn’t really go into detail about story or plot, because honestly, if I did, the review would be just as boring as the film (if it were ONLY subtitles!) The big question is, is it worth the ticket price? Well, how awful is your job? If it’s worse than or as bad as any of the following, save your money for something better:

– Aardvark Feces Organizer

– Assistant Assister

– Pencil Repairman

– VHS Factory Janitor

– Tote Bag Historian

– Feline Sexuality Expert

However, I’d give the flick my recommendation for people who are rich, retired, or looking for an expensive, uncomfortable place to sleep at 1pm on a Wednesday, because what else are you doing? I don’t want you just sitting there, thinking about your own mortality, eating brown sugar flavored off-brand pop tarts. That just sounds awful. Go to the movies.

I’m Bob Rose, Thanks for Reading!!! This Review brought to you by my previous word-for-word Gladiator review, which is of course, very different but almost exactly the same.

May 15, 2010

Essential Sounds (2010/05/15)

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Essential Sounds (2010/05/15)

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Hello and welcome once again to Essential Sounds, it is I your real life Rob Gordon with another top 5 records to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Upon this week’s silver platter we have a spot of Oxford prog rock, a slab of jazzy rap, some Canadian ambience, dirty basslines and a bearded fellow having a stab at reggae. So for maximum pleausre insert headphones and keep your hands inside the cart at all times.

1. “Air Born” by The Kid Daytona

It seems these days if you’re not a member of the cash money familia or an alumni from the new school of hipsters it’s quite hard to get yourself out into the mainstream of hip-hop society. Granted there’s the odd exception, but overall there’s a lot of great hip-hop artists flying under the radar and this week’s first essential sound is a shining example of this. What The Kid Daytona brings to the table is a soothing blend of hypnotic wah wah guitar, jazzy keys and the best use of steel drums I’ve heard for some time. Musically speaking “Air Born” is very reminiscent of the recently deceased and greatly missed Guru, in particular his work from the Jazzamatazz recordings. In contrast to the more electro influenced and suped up hip-hop of today it’s a very welcome addition. Alongside the chilled out summer vibe the music provides, Daytona keeps underground integrity by giving us a solid example of tight intricate lyrics which focuses on the struggles of succeding in the highly saturated hip-hop scene. All this is remarkably complimented by a guest verse from UGK’s Bun B. Whether you’re an old school hip-hop head or not, “Air Born” is the perfect track to get you in the mood for the upcoming summer season.

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2. “Foolin” by Devandra Banhart

Some may say that Devandra Banhart is already an established figure of diverse musical tastes but not one to limit his creativity the bearded indie rogue has switched gear yet again. Bringing us a fresh sounding reggae vibe with “Foolin”, Devandra blends his singer songwriter sensibilities with a somewhat traditional mix of bouncy drum patterns and funky guitar licks. The American troubador also seals the deal here by inserting a wonderfully melodic delivery which is backed up by a good use of vocal harmonies. This not only notches up another well crafted number for the Texan native but also serves us the listener with a lovely slice of audible sunshine.

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3. “Heavy” by Chase n Status featuring Dizzee Rascal

Heavy by name, heavy by nature. This unattached collaboration between super producers Chase n Status and ambassador of UK hip-hop Dizzee Rascal punches the roof into the red in terms of decibels. The most interesting dynamic here is that musicaly it seems as if Chase n Status are venturing into new ground while Dizzee’s vocal contribution is very much akin to his Boy In Da Corner LP roots. Not to knock his work of late in the slightest but “Heavy” is certainly a reminder of the Mercury Prize winning MC’s ability to cut deep and go hard when giving the right tools to work with. A mixed bag of big sub bass lines, crunching drums, sharp horn stabs, 8 bit glitching and air raid sirens, “Heavy” is so loud and viscious that it won’t just blow the bloody doors off it will bring the house down!

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4. “Spanish Sahara” by Foals

Despite the single being out for a few weeks now I felt compelled with the release of Foals’ sophomore effort Total Life Forever to shine a light on one of their standout tracks and a serious contender for song of the year “Spanish Sahara”. In comparison to their previous material “Sahara” is a delicate, sombre and thought provoking thing of beauty. The haunting unison of slow burning guitar lines and vocal delivery from frontman Yannis linger in your ear and heart like a mournful ghost of breaks up past. The lyrics are just as distinct, in particular the echoed line of “I’m the fury in your head, I’m the fury in your bed, I’m the ghost in the back of your head” paints a picture of a love impossible to let go. Add all this to a crescendo of scrambled single note based fretwork and bleeding snyths and you have the audio equivalent of a baby hurricane of cherry blossoms, never threatening but incredibly captivating and magnificent.

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5. “Lately” by Memory House

There must be something in the water up in Canada as again we have another truly exceptional export of theirs on display this week. Memoryhouse who were initially brought together as an art project to escape the severity of the winter season consist of neo classical composer and photographer Evan Abeele and Denise Nouvion. Together this unlikely pairing have created a wonderful feeling of prescious melancholy with “Lately”. Consisting primarily of velvet like guitar riffs shrouded by clouds of light distortion and prolonged lingerings of sweet sounding crystal pads “Lately” conjures up images of a sepia toned dreamscape flickering through a film projector. Memoryhouse have not only given us an essential sound here but have bookmarked themself as an act to keep a keen eye on.

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Malcolm Foster

Soapbox: DeLoreans To Hot Tubs

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Time Travel Ain’t What It Used To Be

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The original Back To The Future movie is celebrating it’s twenty fifth birthday this year. In 1985, the idea of using a flux capacitor inside a car as a time machine was a pretty radical one, especially given the fact that the DeLorean Motor Company went out of business three years prior to the release of the movie. Back To The Future quickly went on to be a smash hit movie and started to bring time travel from the realms of science fiction into a much more mainstream arena.

Since then, we’ve seen a myriad of time travel shows and movies in which we’ve seen the past, the future and alternate version of the present day. Though the conceit of time travel itself isn’t by any means an original one, and it far predates the first Back To The Future movie, the means by which the time travel aspect of the story is performed can vary wildly.

In the past twenty five years, we’ve seen time travel being achieved with DeLoreans, phone booths, wormholes, Stargates, alien spaceships, time displacement machinery, slingshot effects, a TARDIS, a TURDIS, remote controls, cryogenic freezing chambers and even a time travel-code printed on a rub on tattoo on Philip J. Fry’s butt. The latest addition to the stable of time travel devices is”¦..a hot tub time machine.

I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that if a television show or movie is aimed at a wider, more mainstream audience, then the device used in the narrative to facilitate the time travel aspect of the story can be almost anything in sight. In The Butterfly Effect, simply reading a childhood story transported Ashton Kutcher’s character into his own past. In Click, Adam Sandler travels forward and back in his own life using a multimedia remote control. All that Eric Bana had in The Time Traveller’s Wife was an errant gene that caused him to travel though time. Neither diary pages nor remote controls have huge marketing potential for movie souvenirs or props, and the logistical difficulties associated with putting an errant gene into a glass display case are too huge to surmount.

Hot tubs and DeLoreans are both capable of sending people through time, and both manage to do so in movies featuring Crispin Glover, but a replica of a hot tub will never sell well in a toy store or a comic shop. DeLorean replicas sell very well, and in fact they sell so well that it’s possible to buy a replica from any one of the three Back to The Future movies with packaging appropriate to each particular movie.

In the late seventies and early eighties, after the release of Star Wars, it became very apparent very quickly that nerds like merchandise. A huge part of what makes sci-fi so popular is that it has great gadgets and gadgets lend themselves very well to time-travel. The Stargate, the TARDIS., the DeLorean are all vital parts of the narrative of their respective shows and movies. As well as being a tool to get the protagonists from one setting to another, they’re also characters in their own right.

Movies like Hot Tub Time Machine aim for a broader, more mainstream audience and only use the time travel device as an instrument to set up the story or the next gag. Any effort, and all too often that effort is minimal, that goes into explaining the mechanics of time travel involved in the movie are there as a matter of necessity in order to make the story plausible or to bring the characters back to their own time and give the tale a nice emotional ending where everyone learns something about themselves only to find when they return home that their actions in the past have made their present-day lives infinitely better. Sometimes this is achieved simply by putting a wig on a character and throwing in some sight gags

Generation X is the first generation that has had full time exposure to television and movies since birth. Generation X has had more disposable income, more free time and more access to technology than any generation that came before it. The whole generation has grown up surrounded by a million different stories and it’s meant that that generation has become savvy to story telling tropes. What used to be hard to grasp is now par for the course. Even characters like Gregory House can confidently tell us “luckily, it’s been well established that time is not a fixed construct” without fear of losing the understanding of the audience. Personal timelines and narrative timelines don’t have to run side by side. Characters from different points in their own timeline can be introduced for the first time more than once.

Perhaps it’s fitting that the longest running Sci-Fi show in the world is using this plot device to great effect. A couple of years ago, the Doctor met a woman named River Song for the very first time. But in her own timeline, she had already met the Doctor in her past. Time travel stories make such things possible and easily acceptable, creating character dynamics that wouldn’t otherwise be possible. Even Marty McFly had a similar experience when he met his good friend Doc Brown thirty years in the past, long before Doc Brown ever met Marty.

Time travel movies and shows tell us that there’s an infinite amount of time, but we’ve learned from a life time of viewing that there isn’t an infinite amount of ideas. And in the end, time travel movies usually boil down to one of two types. Either they’re about using the timeline for personal gain, or the plot involves trying to restore or maintain the integrity of the timeline. Folks in mainstream movies who time travel in a hot tub give lip service to maintaining the integrity of the timeline but ultimately they’re out for themselves and end up doing whatever they feel is best for them. Soldiers and scientists who travel through Stargates in sci-fi movies with a narrower appeal work purely to restore the timeline to the way it should be. Back To The Future manages to be the ultimate crossover movie in that it mixes a very clear intent to restore the timeline with the unintended benefit of improving lives. Marty’s mission in the movie becomes clear very quickly; he has to restore future history to the way it originally unfolded and in attempting to do that, he manages to change the future slightly, and almost entirely for the better. His family was happier, healthier and Biff Tannen had been put in his place. Though environmentalist probably weren’t happy when Marty returned to 1985 only to find out that Twin Pines Mall had changed to Lone Pines Mall.

It’s not unusual that nature sometimes has to suffer for science, but that may change. Just give it some time…

Simon Fitzgerald

FREDagator: 2010-05-15

Filed under: Articles — UncaScroogeMcD @ 4:10 am

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Live from Raleigh, NC, it’s Jonathan Coulton with RE: Your Brains – The Zombie Horde Edition…

Raucous Fun! Goodtimes! I present to you – An Evening With Ken Plume, Jonathan Coulton, and Paul & Storm…

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May 14, 2010

Ken P. D. Snyde-Cast #147: The Really Long Hallway

Filed under: Ken P.D. Snydecast — Tags: , , , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:56 am

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Adult Swim’s Dana Snyder and FRED’s Ken Plume set out to have a literate conversation between two pals, but inevitably devolve into a verbal, and funny, free-for-all full of bickering, infighting, and the special kind of male bonding that comes from conflict expressed through the podcast medium.

Actor/comedian/raconteur Dana Snyder, you’re certainly aware, is Aqua Teen Hunger Force’s Master Shake, Squidbillies‘ Granny, Minoriteam’s Dr. Wang, and The Venture Bros.‘ Alchemist. Available for weddings and bar mitzvahs (bat availability pending), you can keep tabs on him via his website, www.eyeofthesnyder.com.

Ken Plume is the editor-in-chief here at FRED. He is a friend of Dana’s, as well as his arch-nemesis.

VISIT THE SNYDECAST EXPERIENCE

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KEN P.D. SNYDECAST #147: The Really Long Hallway – Ken & Dana return with tales of gadgets and theater and bickering, and a little bit about Italian dictators.

[CONTENT WARNING]: This podcast may contain some foul language and horribly off-color jokes. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

DOWNLOAD: (right click to save)
Episode #147 (MP3 format)

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/snydecast/ken_p_d_snyde_cast-147.mp3]

SUBSCRIBE
Subscribe to this Podcast via iTunes

Got something to say? E-mail Dana & Ken at the Snydecast mailbag.

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CLICK HERE FOR THE SNYDECAST ARCHIVES

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Weekend Shopping Guide 5/14/10: Adam and Joe Know

Filed under: Shopping Guides — Tags: , , , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:24 am

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The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the FRED Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

(Please support FRED by using the links below to make any impulse purchases – it helps to keep us going…)

I came rather late to the Adam & Joe appreciation party, but now that I’m here, I’d like to recommend you all pick up a copy of The Adam And Joe DVD (Channel 4, Not Rated, Region 2, DVD-£16.99 SRP), which gives a wonderful overview of all 4 series of low-budget comedy. There’s also a figurative ton of bonus materials. Just get this disc already.

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If you caught any of the Red Nose Net charity marathon a few weeks back, you might recall that we used the USB Webcam Rocket Launcher ($49.99) quite a bit. Yes, it’s a USB rocket launcher that also has a webcam built in, giving you the launcher’s eye view of your target on your computer screen. How cool is that?

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Long held up by music licensing issues, MTV’s Daria (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$72.99 SRP) has finally made it to DVD, and it’s a mixed bag. Gone is 99% of the original music cues, but at least the series is finally ownable (at least on an official basis). Diehards may be upset by the absent music, but they may rebound when they see the bonus materials, including the pilot, interviews, Daria Day intros, an animatic, and more.

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Penn & Teller return to the 7th season of Bullshit (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP) with a clutch of new topics, including stress, lawns, video games, lie detectors, the apocalypse, astrology, organic food, taxes, and even orgasms. There’s nudity in that one. Really.

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As the remake makes its way to a theater near you, can relive your 80s love of Mr. Miyagi in full high-def via the collector’s edition boxset of The Karate Kid I & II (Fox, Rated PG, Blu-Ray-$39.95 SRP). While both films contain retrospective featurettes and a pop-up multimedia trivia track, the first film also includes an audio commentary.

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If you didn’t have the cash to buy the big ol’ Mel Brooks Blu-Ray set that came out last year and want to pick-and-choose a few of his later flicks in high-def, you can now snag History Of The World: Part 1, High Anxiety, & Robin Hood: Men In Tights (Fox, Rated R/PG/PG-13, Blu-Ray-$24.99 SRP each). Bonus features include retrospective featurettes, isolated score tracks, and more.

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The third season of Thirtysomething (Shout Factory, Not Rated, DVD-$59.97 SRP) was probably its strongest, as the characters and storylines had fully gelled, and the audience was fully primed for its zeitgeisty take on making an adult life at the dawn of the 90’s. The 6-disc set contains all 24 episodes, plus commentaries and an introduction.

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It’s not Mr. Wizard or Bill Nye, but Smithsonian Network’s SciQ (Infinity, Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP) is still a fun little science series for kids, which you can now experience in its entirety via this 4-disc box set.

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For anyone who was a fan of the BBC miniseries Edge Of Darkness and was hoping that one day a louder, shallower, star-driven movie would one day be made of that excellent thriller, than the new Edge Of Darkness (Warner bros., Rated R, DVD-$35.99 SRP), starring Mel Gibson as a Boston cop caught up in a conspiracy that involves the death of his daughter, than this is for you. Bonus materials include featurettes and alternate/additional scenes.

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If you want some good old-fashioned swashbuckling action, Columbia has opened the vaults and found a quartet of little-seen Robin Hood flicks that are worth a spin – The Bandit Of Sherwood Forest, Sword Of Sherwood Forest, Prince Of Thieves, & Rogues Of Sherwood Forest (Sony, Not Rated, DVD-$14.94 SRP each). Of particular note is Hammer Pictures’ take on the legend, Sword Of Sherwood Forest, which finds the great Peter Cushing in the role of the Sheriff of Nottingham.

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Charlie Brooker had it pegged when he presented Deadliest Warrior (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$26.98 SRP) as a ludicrous, testosterone-filled fightfest that tries (and fails) to disguise itself by presenting “scientific” and historical information about various warriors, who they then pit against each other. If you’ve ever wanted to know who would win in a dramatic reenactment of an imaginary battle between a ninja and a Spartan, this is the show for you. The 3-disc set contains all 9 episodes, plus roundtables, post-fight analyses, and a season one wrap-up.

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Yes, I’m getting a bit tired of all of the vampire films and TV shows, but at least Daybreakers (Lionsgate, Rated R, DVD-$29.95 SRP) does give a bit of a spin to things, as humankind has been transformed into vampires by a virus and actual humans for feeding are almost nonexistent, and the race is on to find a blood substitute. Bonus materials include an audio commentary, a featurette, and the theatrical trailer.

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With grim determination and a hound dog expression in tow, the greatest defense attorney of them all returns in Perry Mason: Season 5 Volume 1 (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$49.99 SRP), which contains the first 15 episodes of the 5th season.

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The 5th season of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP) finds everyone from Will to Carlton finding love, as the show begins to wind down towards its 6th and final season. This 3-disc set contains all 25 episodes.

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So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

-Ken Plume

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Trailer Park: MacGruber

Filed under: Trailer Park — admin @ 2:11 am

By Christopher Stipp

The Archives, Right Here

Check out my new column, This Week In Trailers, at SlashFilm.com and follow me on TWITTER under the name: Stipp

MacGruber – Free Passes

macLook, I’m probably the last guy in the world who this movie should have appealed to but the trailers got me.

Bad, lewd humor mixed with Will Forte’s comedic flair and Kristen Wiig’s more than ample ability to just be funny at any moment, the trailers that were rolled out for this movie did a spectacular job in just making the sale. They convinced me that I should at least strongly consider giving my money to them and, God love ’em, their pitch was solid with both the green and red banner trailers that no doubt hit multiple parts of the viewership demo.

For those Arizonans that would like to see this film Thursday, May 20th, at 7:00 p.m. at Harkins Tempe Marketplace please shoot me a line at Christopher_Stipp@yahoo.com and let me know you’re interested in winning some tickets.

For those living under a city sized rock and don’t yet know what this movie is about, here’s your breakdown:

Only one American hero has earned the rank of Green Beret, Navy SEAL and Army Ranger. Just one operative has been awarded 16 purple hearts, 3 Congressional Medals of Honor and 7 presidential medals of bravery. And only one guy is man enough to still sport a mullet. In 2010, Will Forte brings Saturday Night Live’s clueless soldier of fortune to the big screen in the action comedy MacGruber.

In the 10 years since his fiancée was killed, special op MacGruber has sworn off a life of fighting crime with his bare hands. But when he learns that his country needs him to find a nuclear warhead that’s been stolen by his sworn enemy, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer), MacGruber figures he’s the only one tough enough for the job.

Assembling an elite team of experts-Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig)-MacGruber will navigate an army of assassins to hunt down Cunth and bring him to justice. His methods may be unorthodox. His crime scenes may get messy. But if you want the world saved right, you call in MacGruber.

The No Show: IRON MAN 2 Review

Filed under: No Show,Reviews — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:10 am

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Film Review: IRON MAN 2

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Starring: Robert Downey Jr and a delightful plate of delicious dumplings.

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In a film producer’s office, many years ago…

Screenwriter: Thanks for seeing me, I’m really excited about pitching this idea for –

Producer: Have you had lunch?

Screenwriter: Sorry?

Producer: Lunch. Have you had it? Because I’m starving. I’m going to order in some lunch. You go ahead, I’m listening.

Screenwriter: Right, well, here’s the idea: when I was young, I loved the classic comic, Iron

Producer: (buzzing intercom) Maggie? Can you order me something? (to Screenwriter) Go ahead, I’m all over it, classic moments in ironing…

Screenwriter: Um, as I was saying, I was always a fan of classic comics and as soon as I heard an Iron Man film was in production, I started thinking about the sequel, so –

Maggie: (on intercom) What do you want?

Producer: (into intercom) Not sure. I’m in the mood for dumplings. (to Screenwriter) Are you hungry? Go head, I’m totally with you, classic dumpling comics sequels.

Screenwriter: Yes. I mean no, thank you, I’m not hungry. As I was saying, I’m sure someone is going to make Iron Man 2

Maggie: (on intercom) Did you say you wanted mantu?

Producer: (into intercom) What the hell’s mantu?

Maggie: (on intercom) It’s a dumpling dish. It’s popular in Central Asia and Turkey.

Screenwriter: No, wait, I didn’t mean –

Producer: (into intercom) Sounds perfect, go for it. (to Screenwriter) You were saying: you think it’s time for Iron Mantu.

Maggie: (on intercom) One Iranian Mantu. coming up.

Screenwriter: But, no… I…

Producer: I think it’s a great idea. It has drama, it has action, it has flavour and it’s topical. Very meaty subject matter. Something for everyone. I’m thinking… Robert Downey Jr in the lead. He’s perfect: healthy but doughy. When can you show me something?

Screenwriter: *blank stare* Tuesday?

Producer: Fantastic, it’s going to be huge. One thing: can we make the mantu American?

Screenwriter: Um, sure.

Producer: Excellent. (into intercom) Maggie, get me Jimmy Cameron on the phone. (to Screenwriter) I’ve heard he’s dabbling in 3D, sounds interesting. Not sure if we’re ready for 3D dumplings, to be honest, but it’ll be huge anyway. Is it just me or are you as starving as I am right now?

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Must-see? 3D dumplings going after terrorists? Hell. Yes.
Shatner Scale: Full-on Kirk. No question.

Brought to you by The No Show

May 13, 2010

The No Show: Lady Gaga – The Myth (Or Mythter)

Filed under: No Show,Reviews — Tags: , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 11:48 pm

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So here’s the thing: I don’t know anything about Lady Gaga.

This isn’t usually a problem. Normally, when I’m looking for something to review, it has to be something I’ve never seen or heard or read, intentionally or otherwise. It must be something I know very little about, so that nothing influences my opinion, like knowledge or enjoyment or nausea. It keeps things honest.

But the fact is that I really don’t know anything about Lady Gaga. Not a thing. Nothing. Nada.

I couldn’t pick Lady Gaga out of a line-up, assuming they went out and found a bunch of other people who look a bit like Lady Gaga. Then again, I’d struggle to find her if she were surrounded by a band of midget penguins and she was wearing a big sign that said “Hi! I’m Lady Gaga! Ask me how!”

So little, in fact, that I don’t know where to start. But as my old writing teacher once said: “Write what you don’t know”. (Then again, he also smelled of poo and used mouthwash, but I still think he had a point.)

So here are the top ten things I do not know about Lady Gaga:

1. Her real name.
I’m pretty sure it’s not Lady Gaga, though you never know these days. It’s possible that her family – the Gagas – decided to call her “Lady” when she was born. Maybe she had delicate ladylike features as a baby. Or maybe they really liked Walt Disney and confused their newborn child with a Cocker Spaniel. If so, I feel sorry for her brother, Tramp Gaga. Both for the name and for those awkward moments when mom served up a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and told the kids to share.

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2. Where she’s from.
I mean originally. Not just her home town – I don’t even know what country she’s from. Or planet, for that matter. Even though I’m pretty sure she would pass unnoticed in Amsterdam, from what little I’ve read and seen about her, she could be from Pluto. Maybe she moved to Earth when Pluto was downgraded to dwarf planet, in search of whoever decided to downgrade it, so that she could smack them with what I assume would be a shiny Diamante Plutonian stiletto? Or maybe a telephone? I understand she has a thing for telephones.

3. What she looks like.
I’ve seen pictures captioned “Lady Gaga”, but they never look like the same person. More like contestants in an International Transexual Robots of The Future contest.

I thought this was her receiving an award, but I might be wrong. I don’t speak Swedish.

I do know she wears sunglasses a lot, presumably to protect her tiny Plutonian eyes from the endless flashbulbs. And I believe those sunglasses sometimes have telephones or televisions attached to them. I’ve seen this photo floating around, but it could be a still from a lace bukkake porn scene ““ and you can’t even see her face so there’s no way to be sure it is Lady Gaga.

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4. Her gender.
I always assumed she was a she, but I’ve been fooled by the whole “Lady” thing before – never pleasant – so I’ve learned to be cautious. I’ve seen headlines saying things like “LADY GAGA’S GOT A PEE PEE” which I thought meant she had a weak bladder, but it could mean she has a penis, and I’ve also seen many trannies who look like her so maybe she is in fact a he.

For example, this could be her for all I know and I don’t know whether this is a he or a she or the offspring of a he and a she and a horse – the jury is still out.

5. Her age.
She could be a very confused 16 year old boy. Or a youthful 90 year old woman. Possibly a middle aged superhero who recently retired and just can’t give up the outfits. Who knows? It’s very difficult to tell without more to go on. Like a birth certificate.

6. The name of any of her songs.
Seriously. Gun to my head, I couldn’t name one. I don’t even know if anything she’s done has been in the charts, but that’s less surprising since the charts are shite and I haven’t looked at them for decades.

I’ve heard rumours that she has a song about a telephone but that’s obviously a misunderstanding and they mean the 1978 classic “Hanging on the Telephone” by Blondie. So that’s one myth busted.

7. The name of any of her albums.
For that matter, has she actually released a full album? I should add that to the list.

8. Whether or not she’s ever actually released a full album of songs.
See above.

9. What her music sounds like.
In my mind, something about her name suggests that the music of Lady Gaga sounds like a dinosaur gargling a bunch of kittens. Others claim she could be the vocal reincarnation of Bonnie Tyler. The fact that Bonnie Tyler is not dead doesn’t seem to matter.

The thing is, I may have in fact heard one of Lady Gaga’s songs. Her music has probably already featured heavily in some massive ad campaign, so there’s a chance, just a chance that my brain has been exposed to it at some point, even though every ad these days seems to feature “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + the Machine. I don’t watch TV much and skip ads whenever possible, but it’s a powerful medium, hard to avoid.

But if I have heard a Lady Gaga song, I didn’t realise and it made no impression on me. This doesn’t mean that, in years to come, I won’t be sitting in a retirement home, drooling down my shirt, when the young staff will pipe in some nostaligic music “from the noughties” to keep us sedate, and somewhere between Coldplay and Oasis, a Lady Gaga track will come on.

And in that brief moment, I may be lucid enough to ask: “What the fuck is this?” A nearby orderly may stop long enough to say, “That? That’s Her Majesty Lady Gaga old man – where’ve you been?” At which point I will lunge for his throat and my blanket will become tangled in his hoverboard, dragging me to a horrible but long-overdue death.

Apparently, the following is an example of Lady Gaga music – and it’s not the only one. But if her music actually provokes this kind of behaviour in young and defenceless children (even those wearing what can only be described as a totally awesome ensemble), then I’m really surprised something hasn’t been done to stop her/him/it. Some kind of restraining order or something. Anything, really.

10. Why she’s popular.
The thing is, most of the time, I understand the reasons behind empty fame. Paris Hilton (boring zombie-green sex tape followed by not caring about boring zombie-green sex tape), Lindsay Lohan (onset of sudden lesbianism), Jamie Oliver (fat tongue and subsequent potential for mockery of same), Prince Harry (red-headed royal most likely to be involved in a bizarre self-immolation incident) – I get it, some people with no demonstrable skills are famous for being famous. But popularity usually requires a combination at least two of the following:

* Charm
* Talent
* Sex appeal

From what little I know, Lady Gaga struggles to tick even one of these boxes. No charming personality. No talent to leave a lasting impression. And so sexless that three pieces of duct tape and a bit of lace suffice for a modest wardrobe. Why the popularity?

The answer is clear as the flimsy gauze barely covering Lady Gaga’s cha-cha: she’s popular because she’s not real. She’s a fiction, a product of mass hallucination on the part of a world desperate for good news and uncomplicated entertainment. She is an empty vessel. She is a half-baked fashion magazine come to life.

What does all of this mean for my No Show review of Lady Gaga? Simple: Lady Gaga does not exist. And because she does not exist, there is nothing for me to review. QED.

My work here is done.

PS: Based on The Usual Suspects (“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing he world he didn’t exist”) and following on from the above, there is another possibility: Lady Gaga is the Devil. QED. Or possibly Bonnie Tyler. Either way, hide your children.

Brought to you by The No Show

Party Favors: James Cameron in 3-D!

Filed under: Joe Corey's Party Favors — Tags: , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 10:34 pm

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During Earth Day, James Cameron launched both the home video release of Avatar and the Home Tree Initiative. The director planted the first of a million trees at the Fox Studio lot. The Party Favors sent its action Hollywood news squad to the event to record it in the proper format of 3-D HD. For the first time ever, James Cameron is captured by a 3-D camera he doesn’t control! We also have a short chat with producer Jon Landau about doing low budget projects in 3-D. If you want proof that an indie filmmaker can work in 3-D without a massive budget – this is it. If you want the full effect, make sure you wear red and blue 3-D glasses and click on the 740p viewing selection. Be careful when Cameron look straight at the camera.

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Party Favors: Full Frame 2010

Filed under: Joe Corey's Party Favors — UncaScroogeMcD @ 10:04 pm

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DURHAM – Once more The Full Frame Documentary Film Festival is a four day film festival that plays like it should last a week They show so many films that it’s impossible to even come close to seeing them all. Five theaters are going at once and the only repeats are the award winning movies. It’s hard to pick while going through the schedule. I’ve yet to hear anyone complain about the movie they saw so much as wishing they could have seen two or three of the other ones that were showing concurrently. This is the best festival for documentary film viewers. The 2010 edition kept up the lofty standards with films about basketball, pork, pastries, scoundrels, nomads and undiscovered superstars.

Steve James created the greatest film about the dirty business of Chicago high school basketball in Hoop Dreams. ESPN gave him a chance to look into the life of another high school superstar. No Crossover: The Trial of Allen Iverson takes us back to a time when the controversial star wasn’t covered in tattoos and having public meltdowns about practice. In his junior year, he led his high school to football and basketball state titles. His senior year was spent behind bars when he was convicted for being part of a bowling alley fight. How did this happen? How was a minor charged as an adult and originally sentenced to several years in prison? James goes back to his boyhood home to investigate the role of race and being at the wrong high school might have played in Iverson not getting a slap on the back of his superstar hand. I had a chance to speak with the director about his 2 hour special that is currently airing on the various ESPN channels and is out on DVD.

And here’s part two of our chat:

Chris Hegedus and DA Pennebaker thought they’d been in the most intense space in the world when they made The War Room about Bill Clinton’s campaign. The found out quickly that was relaxing compared to the heat of a kitchen making desserts. Sweets are not a simple matter in The Kings of Pastry. In order to qualify for the red, white and blue collars on their shirts, pastry chefs compete in the Meilleur Ouvrier de France. This three day marathon has them create over 40 items from little puffs to huge sugar sculptures with no outside help. This makes Iron Chef look like reheating a TV dinner. The movie follows Jacquy Pfeiffer rigorous training makes him the Rocky of sweets. Don’t see this on an empty stomach.

Divine Pig is the ultimate pork film. A Dutch butcher spends two years raising a pig in order to serve them up in his shop. The last two pigs were saved by animal lovers and sent to a piggy heaven farm. Director Hans Dortmans follows the latest pig to see if it will be saved or succulent. The movie delves into religions that have dietary laws against pork. Why is the pig singled out? Is the pig that dirty of an animal when compared to modern farming of cows and chickens? I can’t believe in a God that will deny me bacon. Dortmans’ 50 minute film is must viewing for anyone who can’t get enough babyback ribs. This ought to be shown on the Food Channel followed by a roundtable discussion of the pork lovin’ trio of Duff Goldman, Michael Symon and Chris Cosentino, Director Dortmans sat down for a chat about the joy of pork in the greatest BBQ region in the world.

Casino Jack and the United States of Money is Alex Gibney’s untangling of the evil lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Cash flowed all over D.C. when Jack was playing the political game. Ever want to shut up Sen. John McCain at Red Lobster, ask him how much money Jack Abramoff gave his various campaigns. Abramoff’s specialty was representing Native American tribes on gambling issues. He played dirty and both sides for hefty prices. While Fox News wants us to forget Abramoff, Gibney reminds us why everything is screwed up inside the Beltway. Producer Zena Barakat sat down to describe how her job at Nightline led to this feature project. The movie will be coming out shortly from Magnolia.

The Kids Grow Up is a deeply personal film for director Doug Block. He follows his daughter Lucy as she graduates from high school and prepares to go to college on the West Coast. He culls through old family videos to show how fast his daughter shoots up. There’s plenty of humor when her French boyfriend comes to visit. How does a dad read the riot act to someone who doesn’t speak the language? His wife goes through a depression spell as things progress. At the end of the film, you learn to appreciate the time with your kids. Block sat down for a talk about child rearing and home videos.

Do It Again is a classic rock impossible dream. As he approaches 40, Geoff Edgers gets the noble quest to reunite the Kinks. It’s been over a decade since Ray and Dave Davies played on the same stage. The original British invasion band had an amazing run from the 60s to the 80s. They introduced the heavy metal distortion sound on “You Really Got Me.” They waxed poetic on “Waterloo Sunset” and “Come Dancing.” And they rocked us out with “Destroyer.” As a Boston Globe writer, he uses his reporter instincts to enlist other singers and actors into his campaign. John Cusack phones in support. Robyn Hitchcock and Peter Buck sing a Kinks tune. Ray Davies isn’t quite so thrilled at Edgers’ mission. You know something is messed up when he has an easier time getting Sting to appear than Ray. The personally heartbreaking moment comes when Zooey Deschanel admits her favorite record is The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society. I was ready to leave my wife and kids for her. Those big eyes were tempting me with her extremely cool taste. The fantasy’s shattered since she doesn’t eat bacon. Why can’t I have my dreams come true? Not to give away the film, but you will get to see all the various Kinks members. As an extremely cool “bonus feature,” members of the dBs and Mitch Easter came out to perform a few Kinks tunes for the audience after the feature ran. Do It Again is a perfect celebration of a band that should still be as huge as the Rolling Stones. During my talk with Edgers, he supported my campaign for the J. Geils Band in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Although there’s no need for him to do a movie about reuniting them since they’ll be playing with Aerosmith at Fenway Park this summer.

There were several films I was able to watch between interviews.

Waking Sleeping Beauty charts the revival of the animation department at Disney. Instead of the usual talking head parade, we’re treated to 86 minutes of vintage video from the time. Plenty of video was shot by the animators including a young Tim Burton playing midway games. The key players narrate the struggles that started with the animators getting kicked off the lot. Ultimately they found the magic again with The Little Mermaid. Even though this is being distributed by Disney, don’t mistake it for a pure fluff piece that would end up as a DVD bonus feature. There’s plenty of bile between Roy Disney, Michael Eisner and Jeffrey Katzenberg. Things truly get nasty for Katzenberg as he makes himself the new face of animation like Uncle Walt. The knives come out as the executives enjoy the success while the animators nearly drop dead from the over ambitious workload. The real people behind the films success don’t seem to get to enjoy it. The best moment in the film is a Lion King photo op in which Katzenberg nearly gets mauled by a real lion.

Strange Powers: Stephin Merritt and the Magnetic Fields is an intimate portrait of a man who wants his personal space. My first encounter with the band was at a Mergefest. In barely 40 minutes they went from an obscure act to the soundtrack of my life. The same can be said about this movie. Directors Kerthy Fix and Gail O’Hara get extremely tight with the band as they hang out for years in Merritt’s New York apartment. It also serves as his studio space. You’ll think you’ve played the triangle on their last album. This isn’t just about music and a band on tour. Merritt’s creative process is laid bare. At the core of the band is the lifelong friendship of Merritt and his semi-muse Claudia Gonson. This isn’t a conventional band romance since he’s gay and she reminds me of the nun at a Catholic school that was in charge of the folk mass. It’s hard to completely tell what the duo are like since we don’t get much insight into Claudia’s social life. It seems like she sits around her apartment waiting for Merritt to call. The crisis in the film happens when a reporter decides to call Merritt a racist because he doesn’t like rap. After that moment, it became a field day for upstart music writers to pick apart anything he did to show he was somehow a Klu Klux Komposer.

I Am Secretly An Important Person introduces most of us to the obscure outside of Seattle poet Jesse Bernstein. He is best known for being on a few Sub Pop records releases when flannel ruled the world. Bernstein falls into the literary environment of William S. Burroughs and Charles Bukowski with his gritty tells of bad living. At one point he opened up for Burroughs at a reading and held his own on the stage. He used his poetry to open up for Big Black and Nirvana. The guy was the real deal as he had lived a rough and tumble life while dealing with addictions and mental health issues. He also knew how to land girlfriends. Director Peter Sillen and his crew create a film that brings together Jesse’s art, music, life and lovers into one cohesive form. While you don’t know the man, you experience him at his fullest through this documentary. Jess Bernstein secretly was important.

Genius Within: The Inner Life of Glenn Gould is chocked full of archival footage of the iconic Canadian pianist. He was a strange perfectionist who sang along while playing classical pieces. At the peak of his fame, he quit performing live to focus on studio work. The film does a fine job setting up the myth and explaining a bit of reality as to his quirky ways. Mostly it lets us enjoy his artistic genius at the keyboard. The film will be shown on PBS in the near future. Set your DVRs.

Louis Sullivan: The Struggle for American Architecture gives a glowing spotlight to the father of the skyscraper. He dared to make buildings look tall in the late 1800s. He also thought American instead merely copying the Europeans. His opera house in Chicago is beyond magnificence. Director Mark Richard Smith and cinematographer Pete Biagi let the camera bring out the detail in Sullivan’s work. He’s mostly thought of now as Frank Lloyd Wright’s mentor. This film will enlighten you to Sullivan’s career which ended with him designing small banks that look better than most cathedrals.

Notes on Others should be watched by Hemingway scholars. It brings together a bull goring, an Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest and the writer’s suicide so disturbingly pure. Papa would have loved it.

Summer Pasture is a sociology film as we hang out with a nomad family in Tibet. They raise yaks and harvest caterpillar fungus so they can buy things from the town in the distance. Ever wonder how you can raise a baby without Pampers or cloth diapers? You’ll learn here. The film gets rather poignant as we discover how Chinese birth policies have affected the family we stay with during the summer. Lynn True and Nelson Walker create an insight into this far off land at the top of the globe.

My Perestroika visits five classmates who were the last students of a major communist high school to see how they’ve adjusted to democracy. These were the kids that were shown off in various propaganda films that made life under the communists look perfect. Director Robin Hesseman gets extremely tight with them. Some have flourished with one scoring big in high class men’s fashion. A few are struggling in the new economy. Most seem nervous about Putin’s political maneuvers.

A Film Unfinished shouldn’t be watched on a TV screen at home. This is a story that must be witnessed on a large screen with a group. Before the Nazis cleared out the Warsaw Ghetto by sending the Jewish residents to the death camps, they sent a camera crew to create a propaganda film. While the film was cut for picture, there was no narrative on the 35mm print uncovered in a Nazi vault. They mix real moments of people starving to death on the streets with staged dinner parties. There point was to show how even under such miserable conditions, Jews are heartless and won’t band together for group survival. They’re in it for themselves. They interview survivors of the ghetto and reference diaries from the mayor to give us the truth about those forced to play the rich and well-fed. They played their parts to keep from being killed. The images of skeleton bodies being piled up like firewood reminds us how easy it is for people to lose touch with humanity. The producers locate one of the Nazi cameramen to get his memories of how moments were staged. What was their point? The film restores the dignity to those who were forced to act for the cameras. They are given the proper context in this propaganda horror show. This is essential viewing if it comes to a theater near you.

Regretters features a conversation between two Swedish men who had sex changes only to have them reversed. This is kind of a trans-transgendered My Dinner With Andre. Orlando was a gay man in the ’60s who transformed since it was illegal to be gay in the country. Mikael didn’t feel happy as a man. Later he felt less happy as women and wanted his penis back. The conversation between the two is compelling and probing. Director Marcus Lindeen told me after the show that this project evolved from radio interviews between the two into a stageplay and finally the movie. I’m wanting to produce the play version off Broadway with Christopher Walken as Orlando and Harvey Keitel as Mikael.

Target Shoots First celebrates its 10th anniversary with a screening at Full Frame. This is the greatest film about an office rebel ever made. It’s not some Hollywood tale. Christopher Wilcha really did show up for his first day at the Columbia Music Club with a videocamera to document his life in the straight job world. He fears that he’s selling out working for a company that used to tempt us with 12 records for a penny without mentioning they also own your first born and soul. Wilcha gets hired because his boss thinks the young college kid can tap into the hot Alternative scene led by Nirvana. The rebel in a tie eventually gets his chance to create a new Alternative magazine for the club with a staff of fellow pirates the lurked in the hallways of the World Trade Center tower. His crew brought in good buzz for their revamped magazine that dared to offer under-appreciated vintage titles along with the hot Alternative acts from 120 Minutes. The film shows how the folks in corporate had to tame it down to make it their own. The movie ends with him finally deciding if he’s a company man after the death of Kurt Cobain. This film goes beyond The Office and Office Space. What’s strange is how nostalgic Target is since there’s no more World Trade Center and Columbia House Record Club (they only sell DVDs now). Wilcha has been directing This American Life on Showtime and I Pity the Fool.

Enemies of the People about the Killing Fields of Cambodia won the Grand Jury Award while the trash art Waste Land took the Audience Award. Special prizes went to Restrepo – a year with an Army unit in Afghanistan and The Oath deals with brothers that worked for Osama Bin Laden. There are those who want to pick this upcoming Oscar nominees out of this pool. All these films are worthy of your consideration.

STATE OF THE DOCS

Because of it’s popularity, the festival had two sessions dealing with the business of getting your documentary into the marketplace. The good news is that there’s more platforms then ever for getting eyeballs onto your film. Most of the panelists were happy about Netflix’s Watch Instantly feature. The fact that you can now use this on your wii has opened up a new way to get on people’s TV sets. Far as the money goes, one guy said a movie they represented had pulled in $38,000 so far. They also said if your movie gets listed as Coming Soon by Netflix, get your friends, family members and facebook friends to put it on their queue since this will help the company buy more copies and want to run it on Watch Instantly. There was also good news about how many theaters in major markets had no qualms running documentaries from a video source.

The bad news seemed to be that the theatrical action for documentaries is getting tighter. Once you take Michael Moore out of the pot, there are few profitable releases in the genre. The theatrical run becomes part of promoting the DVD release. But most theaters don’t seem to mind showing docs with projected video. The only reason why you should consider striking 35mm prints of your movie are for an Oscar run and archiving. So you can save there if you dream of the big screen and a marquee.

Ultimately nobody should view documentary films as a quick way to buy a house in Malibu.

DVD SHELF

Gamera: The Giant Monster finally brings the Japanese version of the mutant turtle’s first rampage in Tokyo to America. Fear the turtle. For decades we had to suffer from a pan and scan version instead of getting to see the complete glory of Gamera in black and white cinemascope. Even Mystery Science Theater 3000 had to settle for the American cut distributed by Sandy Frank. Shout! Factory has given us the real story of Gamera. He was a prehistoric turtle frozen in the Arctic ice until an atomic blast unleashed him. He does what comes natural to all giant radioactive prehistoric creatures: head to Japan. The big advantage to Gamera is how he can use his streamlined shell to turn into a rocket. Can anything stop his slow, but steady destruction? I grew to adore Gamera from when it ran on the Creature Double Feature on Boston’s WLVI. The bonus features include a 23 minute long history of the franchise. Shout! will be releasing the other 7 classic Gamera titles. There’s also a commentary track from August Ragone that fills us in on the legend of Godzilla’s biggest reptile rival. An anatomical drawing explains Gamera’s guts that give him power. This is the right tribute to the turtle that would eventually become a friend to all children named Timmy. Here’s a peak at his atomic shell action:

Iron Man: The Complete 1994 Animated Television Special brings the complete adventures of Tony Stark and his magnificent flying suits. He spends a lot of the time battling it out with The Mandarin. This Asian menace has 10 deadly rings like Phil Jackson. Luckily Iron Man doesn’t work alone as he gets to count on Nick Fury, War Machine, Scarlet Witch and Hawkeye watching his back. Because of the era, the normal guys in the cartoon wears the Miami Vice uniform of t-shirt and sports jacket. The animation looks like an extension of the GI Joe style. Tony Stark is voiced by Robert Hays (Airplane). Chuck McCann pops up as the voice of Blizzard. Efrem Zimbalist Jr. (The FBI) nails the vocal part as Justin Hammer. There are 26 episodes spread over 3 DVDs. This is fine for kids who get hooked on the Robert Downey Jr. Here’s a peak at what’s in the box.

X-Men: Volume 5 wraps up the animated series that ran on Fox in the ’90s. These are the 14 episodes that brought the story of Professor Xavier to an end. “The Phalanx” has another batch of aliens sneaking onto the Earth. Magneto wants to use these newcomers to take down humanity. “Storm Front” has Storm engaged to the alien Arkon. The other X-Men aren’t sure of the stranger from another planet. “Jubilee’s Fairytale Theater” has her taking a group of kids in a cave near the mansion. Things get hairy when a cave in strikes. “Old Soldiers” throws us back to when Wolverine and Captain America were beating up on the Red Skull during World War II. This is the prime episode of the season. “Graduation Day” is the finale with Xavier’s life in the balance and only a radical treatment as the cure. Magneto comes into play. It’s a good caper for the afternoon animated series. Here’s a little treat from the show:

Soapbox: Who Defanged The Vampires?

Filed under: Articles — Tags: , , , , , — Aaron @ 9:02 am

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Who Defanged The Vampires?

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I read a lot of books during the course of a year (2009 saw me work my way through over 30 of them) and not all of them are great. I do not pretend to be an academic when it comes to the analysis of novels – although I loved English at school, that was always the part of the class I dreaded. And I don’t think you SHOULD analyse books, they exist to create a different world, offer new perspectives and to invoke feeling and emotion within the reader.

But, having said that, my job is to do just that!! But be warned, anyone expecting high brow, intellectual breakdowns of the subtext of the latest Lionel Shriver offering should probably go elsewhere. My opinions are more of the “that bitch couldn’t write her way out of a paper bag”. And if anyone notices any traces of bitterness creeping in, that’s because there is. I am a would-be novelist trying to fit writing around a career and running my home.

Anyway, onto the subject at hand…

I remember when vampires were scary and the mere utterance of the word “Dracula” could have you checking over your shoulder to make sure someone wasn’t trying to drain you via your throat. Where readers made sure their windows were firmly closed before going to bed, lest a vampire in bat form flies in and catches you sleeping. Images of the immortal who could only be slain by a stake through the heart or decapitation used to plague my nightmares for weeks after reading.

In short, vampires were bad-ass. The amazing thing was that they didn’t have a conscience, so weren’t held back by the morals and social norms of the day – they were free to feast and raise hell without thought for consequences or those around them. The vampire lifestyle was truly a pursuit of hedonism. And a person with no limitations and a lust for human blood is truly a terrifying concept, especially when they have supernatural powers and incredible physicality.

And they were sexy. Partly because of the aforementioned bad-assery, but mainly because they were written that way. Vampires use their good looks, pale skin and often hypnotic eyes to attract unsuspecting victims to get close enough to take a bite out of. And the sexuality of vampires is tied into the lack of concern for societal conformity or moral code. Bisexuality, multiple partners and other sordid sex acts are alluded to or graphically detailed in vampire books. And it’s not just a modern concept, the sex of vampires goes back centuries.

In 1872, a book called “Carmilla” written by Sheridan Le Fanu depicted a woman targeted by a lesbian vampire who adopts a new persona and stays with the victim’s family, transforming at night and feasting on her while she sleeps. This book served as a prototype for future lesbian vampire offerings, although it wasn’t hugely overt in it’s sexualising of the situation.

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But surely the quintessential vampire novel has to be Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which has served as inspiration for nearly every vampire novel that followed it, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Written by Irish author Bram Stoker at the end of the 1800s, Dracula is a book that has been broken down and reassessed for as long as it has existed. And for good reason. It is has the elements nearly everyone would associate with a vampire story.

It is sexy: Johnathan Harker is targeted in the night by three buxom and sexually available women, and the hypnotic charms of Dracula hint that there is a supernatural draw to these creatures.

It is scary: People being attacked in the night by unknown assailants, Dracula stalks his prey, watching them when they think they are alone. He is pretty much like a shadow.

It is balanced: Dracula is not an emotional being. It is not part of his make up. He is an animal, who doesn’t show feeling for his prey. No, the emotion of the story comes from the humans, who mourn, get angry and seek revenge. And that is how it should be.

But now we have a different breed of vampires, who brood, who don’t eat human flesh, who love human women and who seem to have had their fangs removed at the same time as their balls.

And do you know who I blame for this? Not Stephenie Meyer, who while she has made this situation worse by creating a book so sweet and puppy dog-ish that millions of teens were bound to fall under it’s spell, didn’t set the trend. Not Joss Whedon, who, while I adore him and everything he has done, created a good looking vampire sullied by a soul who did the “dark and broody” thing to death. Not the myriad writers who have tried the old formula of love between two people with different backgrounds (a post-mortem Romeo and Juliet, if you will).

Nope, to look for the culprit, I have to go back to the 1970s to Anne Rice. Yep, the one and only. The woman responsible for Interview with the Vampire and the rest of the Vampire Chronicles. She created characters who stop to think about what they are doing, the effects the actions have and bemoan the life they have. She tries and affixes her own morals to a tale that really shouldn’t have any (except for the whole if you are bad, bad things will happen to you which comes when good invariably triumphs over evil).

Lestat, while on the surface is a man who enjoys being undead and all that that entails, is actually lonely and often questions the right and wrong of his existence. He tries to defend himself to people who question his actions or motives.

And in Memnoch the Devil it gets downright ludicrous when Lestat helps ensure no bloodshed during a battle between rival factions.

Let me repeat that: A VAMPIRE MAKES SURE THERE ARE NO DEATHS IN A FIGHT.

This is unfathomable. Dracula would have ensured that all people on both sides were slain and he had enough time to drain them all before making his escape. That is the way it should be.

Stephenie Meyer doesn’t even give the readers anything that resembles a traditional vampire. In interviews, the author (and I do use that term loosely, because although the idea was reasonable, the execution was miserable) freely admits she did no research on vampires while writing. That’s how we end up with vampires who don’t have sex, don’t drink human blood and SPARKLE IN THE BLOODY SUNLIGHT!

Everyone knows that vamps dust, not sparkle, Stephenie.

And instead of at least giving him a thirst for sex, the writer decides to make him chaste and unwilling to have sex before marriage.

(I must interject here in the interests of full disclosure: I have read the Twilight saga a few times. I have the first two films on Blu Ray. This is not because of the vampire aspect, in as much as I want to sex Rob Pattinson and my inner teen is a fat chick who wishes she could get the hot guy. But these books almost use the vampire angle as an incidental, it is a love story more than anything else. For vamps, I have much better reading material.)

And alas, the commercial success of the Twilight saga, which has broken previous records for number of books sold on opening night, means that inevitably carbon copies will flood our bookshelves, just like what happened post-Da Vinci Code.

Anne Rice has a lot to answer for, and I don’t just mean for turning Lestat into a literary vessel for her to spout her own crap about life and being famous and such. She has led the way for a slew of watered down, under-nourished and wimpy vampires who I as a mere human wouldn’t be scared to take on.

What we need is a renaissance of the traditional vampire: The sexy, scary beast that turns into a bat, sneaks into your room, puts you under a hypnotic charm and sucks the life out of you. What we don’t need is any more limp wristed, human loving, guilt feeling pussies who would rather cuddle than bite a girl’s neck!

Katy Gordon

Soapbox: Musings Of A Game Store Clerk

Filed under: Articles — Tags: , , , , — Aaron @ 6:46 am

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Musings Of A Game Store Clerk

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I know it may seem harsh, but seeing a machine I waited in line for 9 hours to purchase collecting dust is just a little painful. It’s not like I haven’t tried to play it…but every time I look at my Wii (and yes, Wii jokes are still funny) I just end up angry. It’s not just me – nobody wants to play with the damn thing, and they haven’t for some time. Where have the family bowling tournaments gone? What happened to drunk Wii tennis? Why does the Wii suck so much?

Talking to other gamers, I’m finding that this is more and more the case with the Wii. So what’s the problem? What could Nintendo have done to make one if it’s biggest fans (me) reject it?

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Too much crap – The Wii’s game library, though extensive, is mostly crap even 7 year olds get bored with in a matter of minutes. There are a few gems, but they are few and far between. As always with Nintendo, if it has Mario or Zelda on the cover it is probably a safe bet. Personally, Resident Evil 4 was the game I found to be the most enjoyable on the Wii – and it is a Gamecube remake! In terms of gaming, I take offense that the word ‘casual’ is synonymous with ‘terrible game not worth your money’.

Lack of online features – Compared to the Xbox 360 and PS3, the Wii’s online features are very disappointing. Using long, numerical codes to add your friends is far more difficult than remembering a nickname as with the other systems. Recently, Shigeru Miyamoto has announced that they will very likely be adding ‘premium features’ to the Wii’s online marketplace… and also implementing a monthly cost for these services.

Too many peripherals – Despite the lower price of the Wii console, it has some of the more expensive peripherals out there. The console itself only comes with one Wii remote and nunchuk, which are sold separately. Then you’ve got the Wii motion Plus, the Wii fit, and a plethora of other accessories available that do absolutely nothing to enhance gameplay.

Console killing rumors – What exactly is casual about playing a console game when you can easily open an app for your iphone in 1/10th the time? By starting the casual gaming craze, every company from Apple to Facebook has added some gaming aspect to their products. I have no problem with this, but it does seem like Nintendo has shot themselves in the foot here to a certain degree. As ‘casual’ as Nintendo games are, they still (usually) require a degree of effort/concentration to enjoy. This new breed of casual games usually doesn’t.

I choose to blame Nintendo for creating this vernacular among gamers that makes us define ourselves as either casual or hardcore. As a female gamer, I am quickly defined as casual by most people who ask for my gaming advice. Should I be offended that they don’t assume I kick ass at Call of Duty?

When it comes down to it, I want to be engaged by the game I am playing. I don’t honestly believe that this casual gaming phenomenon signifies the end of console gaming, but a definite shift is coming. PS3 seems to be the most on track with the inclusion of various features that allow the system to be used for all forms of entertainment, not just gaming. In terms of casual vs hardcore games: who cares? As long as the gameplay is fun and engaging, why should it matter?

Mary Hoffman

Contest Round-Up: 2010-05-13

Filed under: Articles — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:31 am

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Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every week, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!

In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of SURVIVORS: THE COMPLETE SERIES (1975) on DVD.

In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of SURVIVORS: SEASON 1 on DVD.

In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of MERLIN: SEASON 1 on DVD.

In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of EDGE OF DARKNESS on Blu-Ray/DVD.

In conjunction with E1 Entertainment, we’re giving away five (5) copies of THE ABBOTT & COSTELLO SHOW on DVD.

Win THE ABBOTT & COSTELLO SHOW on DVD!

Filed under: Contests — Tags: , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:27 am

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In conjunction with E1 Entertainment, we’re giving away five (5) copies of THE ABBOTT & COSTELLO SHOW on DVD.

Contest ends at 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

CLOSED! THANKS FOR ENTERING!

Official Rules

No member of FRED Entertainment or their immediate families may enter.

No Purchase necessary to win.

Must be 18 years of age or older to enter.

One entry per day, per person.

All submitted entries must be received by 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

The winner must allow 4-6 weeks after notification of win to receive the product.

Win EDGE OF DARKNESS on Blu-Ray/DVD!

Filed under: Contests — Tags: , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:15 am

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In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of EDGE OF DARKNESS on Blu-Ray/DVD.

Contest ends at 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

CLOSED! THANKS FOR ENTERING!

Official Rules

No member of FRED Entertainment or their immediate families may enter.

No Purchase necessary to win.

Must be 18 years of age or older to enter.

One entry per day, per person.

All submitted entries must be received by 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

The winner must allow 4-6 weeks after notification of win to receive the product.

Win MERLIN: SEASON 1 on DVD!

Filed under: Contests — Tags: , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:20 am

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In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of MERLIN: SEASON 1 on DVD.

Contest ends at 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

CLOSED! THANKS FOR ENTERING!

Official Rules

No member of FRED Entertainment or their immediate families may enter.

No Purchase necessary to win.

Must be 18 years of age or older to enter.

One entry per day, per person.

All submitted entries must be received by 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

The winner must allow 4-6 weeks after notification of win to receive the product.

Win SURVIVORS: SEASON 1 on DVD!

Filed under: Contests — Tags: , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:10 am

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In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of SURVIVORS: SEASON 1 on DVD.

Contest ends at 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

CLOSED! THANKS FOR ENTERING!

Official Rules

No member of FRED Entertainment or their immediate families may enter.

No Purchase necessary to win.

Must be 18 years of age or older to enter.

One entry per day, per person.

All submitted entries must be received by 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

The winner must allow 4-6 weeks after notification of win to receive the product.

Win SURVIVORS: THE COMPLETE SERIES (1975) on DVD!

Filed under: Contests — Tags: , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:02 am

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In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of SURVIVORS: THE COMPLETE SERIES (1975) on DVD.

Contest ends at 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

CLOSED! THANKS FOR ENTERING!

Official Rules

No member of FRED Entertainment or their immediate families may enter.

No Purchase necessary to win.

Must be 18 years of age or older to enter.

One entry per day, per person.

All submitted entries must be received by 11:59pm EST on Wednesday, May 26th.

The winner must allow 4-6 weeks after notification of win to receive the product.

TV Or Not TV: I’d Rather Not Be ‘Across the Sea’ (LOST)

Filed under: TV Or Not TV — Tags: — admin @ 12:42 am

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There are times when I’m watching a TV show that I really love that I sometimes sit in wonder and amazement at how compelling it can be. Other times I can be blown away by the use of imagery and symbolism that require me to think deeper about the message being delivered. Finally there are times that I am watching the show and have the feeling that I’m just completely missing the point because I don’t care for what I’m seeing at all. Sadly the 15th episode of the final season of LOST played out that last case scenario for me. As usual I will warn you that I am about to discuss the episode in detail so if you haven’t watched it yet and don’t want to know what happened than I suggest you return at a later date to read this.

I’m sure both on paper and in concept the idea behind the episode of ACROSS THE SEA sounded great and made the writers feel that they were really going to deliver on answering some questions for fans of the show while also tying up a few loose ends. We the fans would finally know who the skeletons of ADAM & EVE, discovered in the caves in the season one episode HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN, were. We would find out who built the DONKEY WHEEL that when turned moved the Island, and we’d find out the origin story of both JACOB and the SMOKE MONSTER/MAN IN BLACK. Unfortunately, for this viewer and fan anyway, what may have sounded good didn’t come off very good. I think that the Tweet from writer BRIAN LYNCH sums up my viewing experience best:

OK, maybe that doesn’t really sum it up but it made me laugh upon reading. I think fan reaction to the episode is also pretty clear from the Tweet sent out today by Executive Producer Damon Lindelof:

With ACROSS THE SEA what I ended up getting was a rather uninteresting story that lead to more questions than answers, which this late in the LOST game isn’t a good thing. I’m not just talking about a little list either. Here’s all of the questions that got stuck in my head while watching this episode:

  • Why did they have to clearly make a point out of the MAN IN BLACK not having a name by never saying his name, a move that just made me want to know his name even more?
  • Where did the MOTHER character played by ALLISON JANNEY come from and how did she become (I’m so sorry for this bad cliche) the protector of the light (yes, again, sorry, you read that right but hey I didn’t write the episode)?
  • Why throw us a bone by showing us it was the MAN IN BLACK who built the DONKEY WHEEL only to also show us that his job site was collapsed before being finished forcing me to wonder who did in fact finish it? Yes, I get that he probably convinced others that came to the Island to finish the job but still, why even give me that question?
  • Why have MOTHER say that she’s made it so that JACOB and MAN IN BLACK can’t harm one another and then have JACOB beat the crap out of him twice in the episode and then either nearly or completely fatally wound him as he’s tossed into the tunnel where the LIGHT is?
  • Why the heavy handed inter-cutting of the HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN footage of the skeletons being found in the future while JACOB places the bodies in the past? I know the producers said that this is one of the things that proves that they had the end game planned the entire time but instead it just came off as them finding a solution that fit the scenario they set up six years ago (not to mention JACK said the bodies looked like they could have been there for 30 or 40 years… that’s a bit off the mark from 100’s of years).

I suppose if you break it down to the essentials seeing this episode brought me the same level of frustration I experienced with the introduction of the MAN IN BLACK and the actual appearance of JACOB in the season five finale. Meeting these two characters made me feel like a lot of what we had watched up to this point and the struggles we had seen were diminished by these new players who apparently held a greater importance to the show than we had ever known. It felt like one of those bad mysteries where suddenly the bad guy is revealed and it is a character who was playing a bag handler in the background of the second scene.

Maybe I would feel better about this episode if they had come up with this idea earlier in the season, like immediately after the season premiere where we learned that SMOKE MONSTER and UN-LOCKE were one and the same. It certainly didn’t spoil anything for the rest of the season. I’d probably also feel better about this episode if it didn’t actually make me feel almost sympathetic again for the MAN IN BLACK right after the episode that let us know that he was completely, totally and unarguably the bad guy. In this story he came off more as a victim who doesn’t want to be trapped on an Island where for 13 years he was raised by the crazy woman who murdered his mother. Yes in the end he ends up stabbing his “Mother” but this can also be taken as avenging the death of his real mother and the people he has lived with for the past 30 years as well as freeing himself of the evil that this mother murdering monster clearly seemed to be capable of. Instead of black and white (a metaphor and bit of symbolism used WAY TOO MUCH in this episode) and the struggle of DARK and LIGHT we get dumped right back into shades of grey. From a story telling perspective this sudden shift made no sense.

Another frustrating element of this episode was taking JACOB from the wise and enlightened being we previously viewed him as and reduced him to a whiney little momma’s boy. He didn’t come by the job of protector of the light (ugh) and Island as a noble calling or through trials and redemption. He was handed a job at the family business that he didn’t want and just like so many others in the same role he screwed up on his very first day on the job. All he has to do is protect the light and keep men out of the cave. First command decision? Throw his brother into the tunnel and BAM he makes a smoke monster. Way to go JACOB!

Oh yeah, before I forget, I think we should officially ban any writer from ever using the term “There’s a storm coming” again. I’m calling for a moratorium on this one folks, it’s been overused and is such a heavy handed term used in foreshadowing that it pretty much insults my ears for hearing it. In this episode that was overflowing with symbolism it was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Going in to this episode I really wanted to love it but instead it was just too long of a story that did very little to hold my attention long enough to show me who built the DONKEY WHEEL, how MAN IN BLACK became the SMOKE MONSTER and who two skeletons were in the caves. If this episode is any indication for the type of writing we can expect over the next three episodes than I can only tell you one thing folks: There’s a storm coming.

Cabin Fever 93: Oh Yeah!

Filed under: Cabin Fever — Tags: , , , , , — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:20 am

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cabin.jpgOh no! Just when you thought it was safe to hang out at the FRED…

Cabin Fever (hosted by the twisted souls Brian Fitzpatrick and Aaron Poole) is the result of having too much time on your hands and access to your local community radio station.

Over the course of an hour, they manage to trawl the depths of good taste, plus throw some music in. How much more could you want from a podcast?… Quality? Oh… we didn’t think of that.

Enjoy! And we hope our cross Atlantic friends can understand the Irish accent 😉

Hugs and Kisses,
Aaron P. + Rev. Fitzy

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CABIN FEVER #93: Oh Yeah! – Aaron and Brian return to rock you like a hurricane, or at the very least a mild wind. A taste test is approached with caution, some movies discussed and a general catch-up on what the last couple of weeks have contained. It’s hard sometimes to write these. 93 episodes though, that’s amazing. I remember back in 2008 when…

[CONTENT WARNING]: Explicit contents! We say every naughty word you can think of. You have been warned!

DOWNLOAD: (right click to save)
Episode #93 (MP3 format)

[audio:http://traffic.libsyn.com/cabinfever/cabin_fever_93.mp3]

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