FRED Entertainment

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Goodfellas actor Ray Liotta was busted this weekend on suspicion of driving while intoxicated.  With all of the non-traditional advertising for movies going on, studio executives remain non-plussed and are now planning to have Liotta wear a special orange jumpsuit emblazoned with an ad for the star’s new movie, Wild Hogs, while he picks up garbage along some of LA’s busiest highways.

• The British band Bloc Party stopped a concert after lead singer Kele Okereke was hit with a coin thrown by an audience member. After Okereke was checked out and deemed fit to continue, the band did return to finish the concert with no further issues. After the concert the band released a statement saying “Look, if you are going to throw stuff at us, throw naked women.”

• DC Comics has announced that they will follow up its hugely successful weekly series 52 with another weekly called Countdown.  When news of the pending series hit, stock prices for Frito Lay and Pepsi Cola plummeted as many investors speculated that geek money will now be spent on the upcoming weekly and not on the traditional geek dietary staples of Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

• And finally, file this one under “It’s About Damn Time.”  NBC has finally shot the dying dog that is Studio 60, announcing late Monday that drama will not be returning to its Monday night slot – or any slot, for that mater.  NBC is expecting to field numerous calls from angry viewers demanding that “they not cancel the show because we absolutely ADORE Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony are reportedly looking into Scientology. Sources close to the couple report that Lopez has been looking for a religion that better suits her need for acting like a totally rotten and spoiled bitch. “Yeah,” the source said, “Jen has been really impressed how the religion has helped other Divas… like Cruise and Travolta.”

• Actor Sylvester Stalone was recently detained at a Sydney airport when officials found prohibited items in his luggage.  While no official reports have been released, QSE News has learned that Stalone had “dangerous and potentially toxic” objects tucked into his carry on.  The “dangerous” item was apparently, a pocket knife, and we are just assuming that the “toxic” object is an advanced DVD of Stalone’s film Rocky Balboa.

• Rapper Foxy Brown has been arrested for battery after an altercation with a New York beauty salon owner.  According to reports, Brown spit on the owner when he asked Brown to leave his salon.  Brown defended her actions saying that the owner was rude and called her “a talent-less, nappy ho.” Brown continued saying “no one gets away with calling her that.”  We here at QSE News completely disagree”¦ we’ve been getting away with calling her that for years.

• XM Satellite Radio Holdings Inc. and Sirius Satellite Radio are in negotiations to merge, a move that would combine the two companies into a single giant satellite radio provider. Along with combined assets, a merger between the two companies would guarantee at least 25 more Howard Stern channels and 100 other channels containing crap that no one listens to.

• A collection of original printings of John Steinbeck novels has sold at auction for over $200,000 – including a copy of “The Grapes of Wrath” which sold for $47,800.  The news has polarized students and teachers with teachers being “tickled pink” and students “extremely [EXPLETIVE DELETED] pissed that they have to read this crap over the new one from Stephen King.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Because it had been a week since everyone felt sorry for her, Britney Spears has reminded the world that she is, in fact, deep into a downward spiral by shaving her head. Spears allegedly decided to cut her hair when she couldn’t think of any other area of her skin the world hasn’t seen.

• The band, Queens Of The Stone Age, is hoping to release its new album this June. With the news of the pending release, band members reminded the media that the band has nothing to do with Richard Simmons whatsoever and any similarity in stage names is purely coincidental.

• Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon are set to star together again in an upcoming boxing film. The film will be exactly the same as every other boxing movie ever made.

• Comic book movie Ghost Rider took home the top gross from this weekend’s box office.  The film’s success was a major shock to some, but most insiders see this as a sign that the Americans really want to see Nicholas Cage with his head on fire.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Tickets to this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival have already sold out, two months before the event. The news has left local drug dealers scrambling to bolster their inventory while local shop keepers have been forced to remove “unwanted yet essential” items, like soap, from the shelves to make room for more Doritos, Funyons and Oreo’s.

• Renowned shock jock Howard Stern is set to marry long time sweetheart and uber-hottie Beth Otrosky.  The news came as quite a shock to many Stern fans who took the radio personality’s comments that he would never marry again to heart.  Less shocking was the revelation that Stern proposed to Otrosky at Score’s while she was riding the Sybian and after a rousing game of Butt Bongos.  Baba Booey.

• In continued nuptial news, the formerly full-locked Felicity star Keri Russell has married longtime fiancé and contractor Shane Deary.  While wishing the couple a long and happy marriage, we here at QSE News would like to point out that it is highly unlikely the contractor will be able to re-build Russell’s career.

• Actor Aaron Eckhart is in final negotiations to join the cast of The Dark Knight as Batman ally and future bad guy Harvey Dent.  Insiders close to the production say that Eckhart was actually the second choice for the roll, but was called in when producers couldn’t come to terms with fitness guru Richard Simmons.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Iron Maiden is set to become the first metal band to ever play in India with an upcoming show at the Bangalore’s Palace. This event confirms that India does not realize that it’s not 1986 anymore.

• The Wachowski Brothers are set to start filming their live action adaptation of Speed Racer.  Details of the plot have not been released yet, but insiders say the brothers are really looking forward to the big rave/orgy scene involving Speed, Trixie, Racer X and Chim Chim the monkey.

• The record label Kill Rock Stars has announced that they will be releasing a double CD of unreleased tracks from the late singer/songwriter Elliot Smith.  Arguably one of America’s best song writers, Smith died in October of 2003 of an apparent suicide.  Executives from Kill Rock Stars are excited about the release saying “this album is so good, it’ll make you want to stab yourself in the heart.”

• It’s being reported that writer/director Kevin Smith will be directing the pilot for a new CW show called Reaper. [* Editors note: the following has been edited by the QSE News Team for content and accuracy*] A spokesman for the network has been quoted as saying “Kevin Smith? We hired Kevin [best-director-ever] Smith? Smith is [totally great] and is best known for [enlightening our otherwise drab world].  I [love] Kevin and would rather kill myself than [not] watch another one of his [magnificent] films.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• British actress, Michelle Ryan, a virtual unknown, has landed the lead role in the upcoming Bionic Woman movie.  Sources close to the production said that Michelle easily won the role because she “totally did that slow-motion running ‘WA-WA-WA’ sound better than the chicks.”

• It appears that the United States military is taking umbrage with the producer’s of 24. During a recent meeting, Army officials urged the show’s production team to feature more realistic torture scenarios involving less violence and the “giving of false information,” amongst other suggestions. 24‘s producers responded by locking the officials in a room with Keifer Sutherland, where he wrapped dry-cleaning bags around each of the officials heads and shot them all in the knee.

• Actor/comedian Bill Cosby is set to have his dog Harry enter the “Best In Show” category at this year’s Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Cosby’s involvement in professional dog shows began after a discussion with his manager as to how Cosby could further endear himself in the eyes of old, wealthy, white people.

• Actress Sharon Stone has people scratching their heads after her bizarre appearance at a Berlin auction over the weekend.  According to reports, Stone appeared to be “barely holding herself together” and taunted the crowd by calling them “naughty, nasty little Germans.”  When asked for comment, one infuriated German said, “She might as well have just said ‘you’re all a bunch of sheisse-film loving sicko’s.’  That’s what she meant.  Everyone knows it.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Lindsay Lohan’s mother says her daughter is doing really well, “great” in fact, with her current stint in rehab. Lohan herself was unavailable for comment as she was passed out in her room after a hard night of partying at Hyde.

• In movie news, Wolfgang Petersen is preparing an extended DVD for his 2004 film Troy, with over a half hour of new footage. When asked what the new footage will contain, Petersen stated that in order to meet demand, he will include “a hell of lot more shots of Brad Pitt in slow motion – like an angry Brad in slow motion, a sword swinging Brad in slow motion and jumping in the air, angry and swinging sword Brad in slow motion. Oh yeah”¦ and a five minute close-up of Brad’s ass.”

• A new Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter action figure was unveiled last week at the International Toy Fair in New York City. The new, talking action figure is loaded with six of Irwin’s most famous sayings including “Crikey!,” “Ewww. . .’E’s a big one!” and “Holy [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! Somebody pull that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] sting ray out of my [EXPLETIVE DELETED] chest!”

• According to some eye witness reports, the divorce-pending couple of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been spotted around Hollywood together. Representatives downplayed the incidents but did confirm that the couple’s children and dealers have been trying to get Houston and Brown back together.

• In international news, Lord Voldemort appears to have earned his wings as a card carrying member of the Mile High Club. British actor, Ralph Fiennes, reportedly had a sexual encounter with a Qantas stewardess during a flight from Australia to India. As if losing her job wasn’t enough, the stewardess is being sued by United Airlines for upstaging their “Friendly Skies” ad campaign. In related news, booking numbers for Qantas flights have seen a dramatic increase and are up 789%.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Kevin Costner and his wife are expecting their first child together. While the couple is happy about the news, Mrs. Costner is not looking forward to drawn out labor and thinly conceived plot.

• Nicholas Cage is set to produce the live action The Sorcerer’s Apprentice for Walt Disney Pictures. Cage says he will stay true to the original movie and plans to spend over half the films budget on genetic research to make living, dancing brooms.

• The film Norbit was the number one film this past weekend grossing $33.7 million. Like in his other, more successful films, Murphy plays both the lead male and female parts – which is consistent with his real life where he likes females with male parts.

• In a plea to her fans, singer Kylie Minogue has asked that her ex-boyfriend be left alone. In recent weeks various rumors have spread about the pairs split, and Minogue has asked that people respect their privacy. Sources close to Minogue have said “if you want to talk about something, at least talk about how bad Kylie’s music is, not her relationships.”

• The Dixie Chicks picked up five Grammys at this weekend’s awards ceremony. President Bush immediately released a statement saying that he has proof that the Dixie Chicks are behind the insurgency and escalating violence in Iraq.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• PBS and Discovery Kids have received the most nominations for this year’s Children’s Programming Emmy’s, receiving 18 and 15 nominations respectively. Not surprisingly, the two shows garnering the lion’s share of the nominations are PBS’s Here… Watch This Until Your Father Gets Home So Mommy Can Take A Nap and Discovery Kids’ Stop Crying You Little [EXPLETIVE DELETED] And Watch The Furry Animals.

• Ruport Murdoch has proven, once again, that he has the “testisatchels” to take on a little controversy. Murdoch announced today that his film division, 20th Century Fox, has acquired the rights to a second Borat film. In response to the announcement, racists, misogynists and homophobes across the nation filled lawsuits against Murdoch, 20th Century Fox and Borat himself, Sacha Baron Cohen, in anticipation of the comedian “making them look like total, [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!”

• In TV news, Mitchell Hurwitz, creator of Arrested Development, is doing a new show called The Thick of It for ABC. For the show, which is based on a sitcom from England, Hurwitz plans on using the same formula that he used on Arrested Development. The Thick of It will premier in the fall and will not be understood by the American public, leading to its cancellation in December.

• Daniel Baldwin, known to many as “the other completely and utterly talent-less Baldwin,” has found himself in hot water after failing to appear in a Newport Beach court. Police issued a $25,000 bench warrant for the actor on charges of unlawfully taking a vehicle and receiving stolen property. Baldwin’s manager issued a statement that said Baldwin “can’t talk about the case at this time, but it sure is nice to finally see his name getting mentioned more than Alec’s.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##