FRED Entertainment

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The popular online video website YouTube may begin paying users for uploading their own videos. The company is working on a revenue sharing program that will reward users’ creativity. Initial reports discuss a sliding scale where videos akin to a monkey drinking its own urine would be worth $100 while a video similar to that of a drunk chick falling outside of a club will be worth 10 cents.

• The reality TV show Armed and Famous has been canceled after only four episodes. Contrary to the show’s poor performance, CBS is still planning on moving forward with a similar show entitled Busey With a Gun, which will follow Hollywood loony Gary Busey as he babbles incoherently, chases innocent people through the streets in his underwear and shoots at random strangers.

• The rock group Kiss has announced they have partnered with Platinum Studios to create a new company called Kiss Comics Group.  With this new venture, the band will produce comic books based on the band, and introduce a whole new audience to the band’s unique brand of crappy music.

• Dreamworks and Aardman Animation, the studios that brought the world movies such as Chicken Run and Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit, have parted ways.  Reasons for the separation were not immediately made clear, but sources close to the companies confirm that Aardman will retain custody of the dog the studios adopted while together.

• Oprah Winfrey has announced her selection for her next Book of the Month pick.  The book, Sidney Poitier’s The Measure of a Man, tells anecdotes from Poitier’s life and is described by the author as a “spiritual biography.”  According to the book and to Poitier, the true measure of a man is “how many hot chicks you bang.”  Poitier is up to 357.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The seminal rap group Wu Tang Clan has announced plans to release a new album this summer.  The release will be the first group album since 2001.  To prepare for the outing, the remaining members of the group have been getting their voices ready by smoking a lot of pot/crack.

• This past weekend, the Screen Actors Guild presented it’s top award to the “little indie” film, Little Miss Sunshine.  The SAG awards are voted on by the Guild members and are more than “just an excuse to give out meaningless awards while patting themselves on the back.”  The award for “Best Movie About Stuff” went to The Departed while the award for “Best Use of Their Natural Good Looks” went to Scarlett Johannsen.

• And finally, legendary bluesman, B.B. King, was hospitalized last Friday for undisclosed reasons, however, police have not ruled out foul play.  According to the police report, King was spotted “playing” another guitar just prior to being found unconscious in his dressing room at the Grand Opera House in Galveston.  Due to “suspicious circumstances” and “evidence found at the scene,” authorities have arrested King’s longtime guitar, Lucille.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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• The spoof film Epic Movie was the number one film in the country this past weekend. Perhaps less surprisingly, the movie’s popularity is proof, once again, that Americans have ABSOLUTELY no idea what constitutes “quality entertainment” and for that, QSE News is exceedingly grateful.

• It has been reported that Katie Holmes will not be reprising her role of Rachel Dawes in the next Batman film. When asked for comment, Holmes simply stated that she wanted to do “what was best for my TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL husband, new baby and this freaky, [EXPLETIVE DELETED] religion that my TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL husband roped me into.”

• For her next album, Jennifer Lopez will sing all of the songs in Spanish. This album marks the 15th time in her career that the Brooklyn born Lopez has exploited her “heritage” for her personal gain.

• And finally today, the band Pearl Jam has announced that it will be playing gigs in 13 European cities this summer.  The announcement came as a “total surprise” to music insiders as many of them didn’t realize the band was making “music,” let alone, “still around” so many years after the release of Ten.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In (apparently unending) reunion news, reports out of the Van Halen clan state that the band is planning to tour with original singer David Lee Roth. Eddie Van Halen has also said that former bassist Michael Anthony is no longer part of the band and will be replaced by Eddie’s 15-year-old son Wolfgang. However, some close to the band are saying Eddie only plans on having Wolfgang around so he has quick access to blood transfusions and possible organ transplants.
• 20th Century Fox has served the owners of YouTube with subpoena asking for the identity of a user that is posting entire episodes of the TV series 24 on the site. YouTube responded that the request may be difficult but told 20th Century Fox that they could send over a video of a “Jedi in Training,” a dorky-looking kid dancing to “Mi Ya Hi” or Saturday Night Live‘s “**** In A Box” skit.

• This week the satirist-supreme, Stephen Colbert, threatened to burn his honorary degree from Knox College if the school gave the same degree to former President Bill Clinton at this year’s graduation ceremony. Knox college officials said Clinton will receive a different degree but the school has also asked for help in “getting the former President to move out of a girl’s dormitory and to stop pestering students about “˜scoring’ some “˜ganj.'”

• Actress Nichole Kidman was involved in a car wreck while filming the new sci-fi movie The Invasion. Kidman was released from the hospital with no injuries, and before heading home stated, “I’ve been involved with bigger wrecks than that. Right off the top of my head I can think of two: Bewitched and Tom Cruise.”

• In movie news, Tim Hill has been approached to direct a live action/CGI version of The Chipmunks, the popular cartoon about a group of singing chipmunks.  Producers are looking to cast a well-known comedian in the role of Dave Seville, the Chipmunks’ manager and surrogate father.  Producers are also planning on an “˜R’ rating as the current script calls for adult language, several nude scenes (three featuring a chipmunk) and 112 acts of violence.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Kid Rock is putting together a new album that he hopes will hit stores this year. Rock, who partially blames the character of Borat for the end of his marriage with Pamela Anderson, has enlisted the help of Rick Rubin to assist with production duties. The new album will likely continue to further Rock’s unique blend of Rock “˜n Roll and suck.

• Writer/Director Mitchell Lichtenstein, whose debut horror film, Teeth, just hit the festival circuit, is already making plans for a sequel.  The movie, which centers around a woman who attacks men with the tiny teeth in her vagina, is generating huge buzz amongst viewers.  When asked where he got such an idea, Lichtenstein said that he “saw that picture of Britney Spears [EXPLETIVE DELETED]” and thought that “it just looked hungry.”

• Insiders are reporting that Nicholas Cage is the leading contender to play musician Liberace in a new biopic.  While this may seem like odd casting, the two do have several things in common – Cage is known for action movies such as The Rock and Con Air where his characters kick ass whereas Liberace was a flamboyant piano player who… well, you finish the joke.

• The National Restaurant Association is asking Nationwide Insurance to pull the plug on a planned Super Bowl ad featuring Kevin Federline.  The non-gun toting NRA claims that the commercial, which features Federline working as a fast food cook, is demeaning and unpleasant to restaurant employees.  Nationwide released a statement defending the ad stating “working in a fast food restaurant is not nearly as demeaning and unpleasant as actually being Kevin Federline.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Reports are coming out of Hollywood that director M. Night Shyamalan is having a hard time finding a buyer for his new movie, Green Planet.  Insiders say that every studio has turned the movie down, although Fox is said to be “considering” it.  Studio executives insist that the script isn’t bad, they just can’t spell or pronounce Shyamalan’s name correctly and are sick of confusing him with the doo wop group Sha-na-na.

• The Oscar nominations have been announced with the Eddie Murphy vehicle Dreamgirlsleading the pack with a whopping eight nominations. Surprisingly, at least to those outside of the Jewish community, Mel Gibson’s Mayan epic, Apocalypto, was overlooked primarily because, as one Academy voter put it, there is no Oscar for “Best Portrayal of a Lying, Misogynistic, Anti-Semitic, Alcoholic Dick.”

• A reunited The Police are rumored to be appearing at this year’s Grammy Awards in February. Grammy organizers are hoping that the audience will remember that Sting wasn’t always a wussie, easy-listening musician and that he was, in fact, in a post-punk rock band.

• In continued reunion news, James, the band that had the mega-hit “Laid,” is reuniting for a string of shows in the UK. It’s rumored that the band will be performing songs from its entire catalog, with “Laid” being the only song that anyone will recognize.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Pam Anderson is fighting mad over a proposal by the U.S. Postal Service to honor Colonel Sanders with a stamp.  The “finger-licking good” PETA hottie has fired off an angry letter to the Post Master General stating her displeasure. We here at QSE News would like to congratulate Miss Anderson for taking a stand against an issue that is important to her, and for actually spelling “KFC” correctly.

• This year’s Razzie Awards nominees have been announced, and leading the way with seven nominations is the film Basic Instinct 2. The Razzie Awards honor the worst Hollywood has to offer each year. After Sharon Stone was notified that she had been nominated, she promptly dusted off her vagina in preparation for her acceptance speech.

• Actress/Model/Frustrated Participant In A Butt Kicking Contest Heather Mills is denying reports that say she has settled her divorce with former Beatle, Sir Paul McCartney.  It was leaked that the pair had come to an agreement that Mills would receive a settlement that totaled 63 million dollars, including two mansions.  Mills representatives stated, emphatically, that these reports are simply not true adding “if you REALLY knew (Mills) you’d know that she would never settle for this because she simply can’t survive on such a piddly amount.”

• The Australian band Crowded House is reuniting for a new album and a subsequent tour this Spring. The band will play both new and old songs as they try to let the audience know they did not sing “Who Can It Be Now” and “Down Under.”

• Actress/singer Mandy Moore recently told Jane Magazine that she is suffering from depression. Moore plans to counteract her depression by becoming even more rich, even more popular and even more good looking. “If that doesn’t work then I’ll just start doing drugs and banging everything that moves”¦ like my good friends the Olson Twins,” said Moore.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Famous animal killer and rockstar Ted Nugent offended several people at an inauguration party for Texas Governor Rick Perry. Attendees of the party were upset by Nugent sporting a confederate flag t-shirt and spouting racially charged comments about non-English speaking people. More people were originally offended by the comments until they realized they were in Texas.

• Several prominent American Muslim groups are protesting the TV show 24 because of the show’s portrayal of Muslims. The show features a Muslim terrorist organization carrying out attacks on United States soil. Producers of the show said they only used Muslims as the “bad guys” because Richard Simmons was unavailable.

• In celebrity baby news, Keri Russell has announced that she is pregnant.  Russell, best known as the title character on the show Felicity, has vowed to never, ever let her child get a haircut.

• After watching an early cut of Spider-Man 3, Sony executives are so impressed that they are already in negations with David Koepp to write a fourth movie.  In order to appeal to a younger audience, Koepp plans on introducing a new, all CGI sidekick – Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham.

• And finally today, according to sources close to the band, Rage Against the Machine may be reuniting for this year’s Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. With the news of a possible reunion, several large corporations including Starbucks, Pepsi and Nike have been contacted to sponsor the band’s set at singer Zach de la Rocha’s request”¦ because he’s broke.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Firstly today, GLAAD, Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, is demanding an apology for alleged anti-gay slurs made by Grey’s Anatomy star Isaiah Washington. The comments were directed at Washington’s costar T.R. Knight, who has recently announced that he is gay. Washington maintains that he was simply asking Knight for a bundle of sticks.

• Kevin Federline will appear in a Super Bowl ad poking fun at his own celebrity. In the ad, Federline will go from a famous rap star to a fast food worker in a moment illustrating how quickly life can change. In related news, Federline has an interview with Burger King next Friday at 3 pm.

• Actor Timothy Olyphant has been cast as Agent 47 in the movie version of the hit video game, Hitman.  Twentieth Century Fox, the studio behind the film is hoping that Hitman will deliver the same movie magic that other video game films such as BloodRayne, Alone In The Dark and Super Mario Brothers, have seen in recent years.

• NBC has announced the network will not be brining back the soap-opera Passions.  Grandmas across the country are extremely upset and would plan a strike if they could remember where they put their good “pickitin’ shoes.”

• And finally, in a sad bit of news, singer Pink is reported to be devastated after her beloved bulldog, Elvis, passed away.  The dog, which was fond of swimming, was found by the singer floating in her pool.  Those close to Pink reveal that Elvis did leave a suicide note, claiming he “couldn’t take the embarrassment of being Pink’s dog anymore.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be starring in the new Iron Man movie alongside Robert Downey, Jr. Paltrow is set play a secretary to Downey’s character in the film. To prepare for the role and working with Downey, Paltrow has been spending time in methadone clinics and AA meetings.

• According to reports coming out of England, Michael Jackson is trying to sell his infamous Neverland Ranch to David and Victoria Beckham. Although interested at first, the couple decided against it when they read the fine print of the contract that stated “Mr. Jackson will have complete access to Neverland Ranch and any children on the premises, whenever he wants.” Victoria also expressed hesitation because the whole place smelled like Bubbles.

• Jennifer Aniston will be joining former Friends co-star Courtney Cox on the show Dirt. During the episode, Aniston and Cox will play rival tabloid magazine editors.  In related news, former Friends co-star Matt LeBlanc will take any acting job you can give him.  Please?

• Country singer Keith Urban has completed his stint in rehab and is ready to get back on the road with a short run of shows scheduled in Europe. Although not on the itinerary, Urban plans on making a stop in Amsterdam which he said he may or may not come back from.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• First, the alternative rock group Arcade Fire will be headlining a show in a Canadian school cafeteria. When first approached, the band was hesitant to accept the show but quickly decided to do the gig when they found out it was pizza day.

• Eddie Murphy has won a Golden Globe for his role in the musical Dreamgirls. According to friends and family, Murphy celebrated by spending a nice quite evening out on the town with a transvestite.

• It looks as though TRL (which stands for Total Request Live) on MTV (which stands for Music Television) is nearing the end of its run and may soon be canceled. An MTV representative said “No one watches MTV for music. We haven’t shown a full music video since 1989. Today, shitty little 16-year-olds watch MTV to see other shitty little 16-year-olds treat each other like shit.”

• The Sci-Fi Network has announced that it has given the green light to a new Flash Gordon series to begin airing in July.  The series will be a contemporary re-telling of the classic comic strip and radio show.  To keep the spirit of the original series and movie, producers will keep the homoeroticism intact allowing for a whole new generation of boys to be sexually confused by bare-chested men wrestling over a spike pit.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The American fashion industry has released a list of recommendations aimed at promoting health among models. To ensure the list is understood by everyone in the fashion industry, it will be drawn in crayon and feature pictures of “bad things” (like heroin filled syringes) with big red lines through them and frownie faces next to them.

• Starting this past weekend and continuing through March, producers of the Sci-Fi Channel’s Who Wants To Be A Superhero will be traveling around the country looking for new reality show hopefuls.  Contestants will be asked to dress up as a hero of their own creation and give a synopsis on their beliefs and virtues.  Much like the first season of the show, contestants will run around in spandex doing heroic deeds while the rest of America watches a different channel.

• After a longer than expected break, HBO has announced that the critically acclaimed series, The Sopranos, will return for the second half of it’s final season on April 8th.  During the final nine episodes, viewers will see resolutions to a number of story lines.  To coincide with the premier, the State of New Jersey is planning on making the day a state-wide holiday.

• American Idol survivor and country music superstar Carrie Underwood will be heading into the studio next month to work on her sophomore album. When Faith Hill heard the news she immediately through her hands up in the air and said “what the {EXPLATIVE]? {EXPLATIVE] that chick! I mean seriously you guys!” The moment was caught on video and will be available on YouTube later this afternoon.

• Rapper and soccer aficionado The Game commented on David Beckham’s new American assignment by saying “I’d kick David Beckham’s ass on any given day.” The Game had to later retract the statement when he found out that soccer was a sport and not a term for cooking and/or smoking cocaine.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Even though it’s only been on for a couple seasons, the producers for the hit show Lost have started to discuss how the series will end. While not set in stone, the producers are leaning towards an ending that will include the Harlem Globetrotters coming by to have a pickup game with the island inhabitants.

• The alternative band Pinback is putting the final touches on a new album due later this winter. The album, much like Pinback’s last several albums, will be widely unheard.

• News is coming out of Hollywood that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are frightened for their child’s safety.  The eccentric pair have rarely taken their nine-month-old daughter Suri out in public for fear that she will be a target of kidnappers.  Insiders say that this fear is completely irrational because Suri isn’t actually real.

• Television network Bravo has signed singer and American Idol judge Paula Abdul for a new reality TV show called Hey Paula.  The series will follow Abdul as she works on various projects including TV, movies and cosmetics.  It is not clear if Abdul’s relationship with MC Skat Kat will be discussed during the show.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Halle Berry, fresh off her role in the Oscar-baiting movie Things We Lost In the Fire, is pleading with fans to write letters to Fox Studio head, Tom Rothman, to “green light” a fourth X-Men film.  “Come on, people,” said Berry during an impromptu press conference.  “Momma needs a new pair shoes.  And a boat.  And another mansion.  And another car.  Oh, and another way to forget that I made Catwoman.”

• An unidentified man is doing well after being stung by a scorpion during a flight from Miami, Florida to Toronto, Canada.  Airline officials, who are still investigating how the scorpion got on the plane, were exceedingly grateful that Samuel L. Jackson was there to “get those mother [EXPLETIVE DELETED] scorpions off of their mother [EXPLETIVE DELETED] plane.”

• In a bit of sad news, actress Yvonne De Carlo has passed away.  De Carlo, best known as the vampiric Lilly Munster from the TV show The Munsters, was 84.  While many people are mourning De Carlo’s passing, true fans are holding out hope that De Carlo will return as coroners confirmed that “a wooden stake through the heart” was not the cause of death.

• Tragedy struck Hollywood today as hundred’s of stars awoke at the crack of noon to find that the lavish “swag bags” they receive at various awards shows will not be given out this year.  One tearful star was heard to lament, “This is unbelievable!  They expect us to buy this stuff on our own? Yeah, right.  With what money?”

• Actor and political activist Richard Gere has traveled to India in hopes of spreading AIDS awareness.  Gere and Bollywood actress Bipasha Basu spoke to a crowd of 15,000 sex workers in India, telling them that they should all be practicing safe sex.  We here at QSE News applaud Mr. Gere for making this trip, especially after he discovered that in India, gerbils are used as food or pets and not anal stimuli.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rock star Gary Glitter may be released from a Vietnamese prison sooner than expected.  Glitter, who was convicted of molesting two Vietnamese girls, was originally sentenced to three years in prison but may be released as early as May for “good behavior.” Glitter gives credit for his rapid rehabilitation to his new-found friend and mentor, Michael Jackson.  “Michael has been there for me with love and understanding… and, umm, some helpful tips on how not to get caught again.”

• Apparently, not everyone loves Paris and Britney as much as we do here at QSE News.  Mr. Blackwell, the self-proclaimed “celebrity fashion police chief” gave the dynamic duo the top spot on his 47th annual “Worst Dressed” list.  When pressed for comment on why he chose “P” and “B” as his worst dressed, Mr. Blackwell stated that, to him at least, a “vagina is not a fashion accessory to be worn out in the open like a broach.”

• Bindi Irwin, the eight-year-old daughter of the late “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin, is set this week to kick off her own TV show, Bindi, Jungle Girl.  The show, which will premiere later this year, will honor Steve Irwin’s memory as each week, Bindi will find a new and creative way to kill a stingray.

• The man behind Buffy The Vampire Slayer is coming back for more. Joss Whedon will revisit his most famous creation in a new series of comic books. When the news broke, mothers across the country said “great, now my 31-year-old son will never leave the bathroom.”

• In celebrity love news, Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank has once again found love.  Swank, who divorced ctor Chad Lowe last year, is said to be “totally in love” with her new mystery man.  Those close to Swank reveal that the pair met while Swank was reading for the role of The Joker in the new Batman movie.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• As if a public quarrel with heavyweight Rosie O’Donnell wasn’t enough, Donald Trump is now facing a lawsuit by a former Apprentice applicant.  Richard Hewitt, 49, is suing Trump claiming that the show discriminates against older contestants.  When asked for comment, Trump claimed that only the most qualified contestants are chosen to appear on the show”¦ as long as they are not “fat, anti-Asian lesbians.”

• The King of All Media has added a substantial amount to the royal coffers.  Reports indicate that Sirius paid top-jock Howard Stern $83 Million in cold, hard stock options after he single-handedly raised the number of subscribers from approximately 600,000 to just over 6 million in just under 3 years.  When asked what he planned on doing with the money, an unnamed Stern staffer replied that Howard didn’t want to be outdone by Oprah’s “audience gift-giving” and was going to “buy a Sybian masturbation machine for all the women in his audience and a lap dance at Scores for all the men.  Baba Booey.”

• In celebrity wedding news, actor Alan Cumming has married his long time boyfriend, Grant Shaffer, in a civil ceremony in England.  Cumming, perhaps best known to Americans as Nightcrawler from film X2: X-Men United, has stated publicly that the honeymoon will be romantic and “include a whole hell of a lot of ‘BAMF-ing.'”

• In a sad bit of news, famed Scooby-Doo cartoonist and director of the 1973 classic Charlotte’s Web, Iwao Takamoto, passed away Monday night at the age of 81.  When asked for comment on the passing, a mournful Scooby Doo replied “Rat is rearry, rearry rucking rad.”

• Actress Suzanne Sommers’s mansion was one of four devoured by a wild-fire that swept through Mel Gibson’s kingdom of Malibu late Monday night.  Authorities are unclear of the cause of the blaze, but the investigation is focusing on the “massive friction” generated by one of Sommers’s fat neighbors using a Thigh Master.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• After a few, tumultuous years, Britney Spears is vowing to come back “bigger and better than ever” in 2007.  Of course, considering that the “B” has done such an outstanding job of completely obliterating her career, one can safely assume that this could mean only one thing… boob job.

• Musician Dave Matthews is set to guest star on the Fox drama House.  In the episode, Mathews will present the cranky and cantankerous House with his “toughest case yet” as the doctor attempts to cure the jam-band leader of “excessive and irrelevant guitar noodling” and “spastic dancing.” As is customary with the show, nothing will work to cure Matthews until the last 10 minutes of the episode.

• Among this year’s inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is Van Halen with both David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar as front men. It’s been leaked that during the induction ceremony, Eddie Van Halen will re-hire and re-fire both singers, plus a slew of others, before passing out from guzzling his complimentary, backstage bottle of Scotch.

• QSE News has learned that despite all of the things they had going for them, shock rocker Marilyn Manson and stripper Dita Von Teese could not make their marriage work.  When asked for comment on the pending divorce, Von Teese responded that “it’s hard being married to a man that uses all of your make-up, wears all of your clothes and steals all of your tampons.  Oh yeah, and besides all that… he’s really [EXPLETIVE DELETED] creepy.”

• And finally today, James Cameron’s sci-fi epic, Avatar, is finally ready to start production. This marks Cameron’s first jump into directing since the modest success of a little movie called Titanic. This is good news for fans of the director but men all over the world are still waiting to see if the film will feature a nude Kate Winslet.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a case of trying to make a quick buck, Keifer Bonvillain has tried to extort 1.5 million dollars from Oprah Winfrey.  Bonvillain reportedly has a taped telephone conversation that would “damage” Winfrey’s reputation. Oprah responded to Bonvillain by sending a message to her viewers that said “Execute Order 66.”

• File this one in the Ripley’s “Believe It Or Not” file.  Surprisingly, a young, Mormon boy in Utah opened up a brand new, factory-sealed version of Madden ’07 for the Playstation and found a hard-core porno disc.  Although we here at QSE News have no definitive proof as to just how the porno disc was forcefully inserted into the quivering and unwilling Madden packaging, we do know this – someone should inform the boy and his parents that lies make baby Jesus cry.

• George Clooney is reportedly close to a deal that would have him star alongside Robert De Niro in an upcoming film named 36. The film is a remake of a French film in which several French men sit around and mock every other country while smoking cigarettes and accomplishing nothing in their own lives.

• The film Pan’s Labyrinth has won best movie of the year from the National Society of Film Critics.  In a surprising twist, the film won the award despite the fact that many of the voters had actually seen Shark Boy and Lava Girl.

• Snoop Dogg and his youth football association are being sued by a TV production company. According to the lawsuit, Dogg promised the production company the rights to produce a reality TV show about the football team but reneged and sold the rights to Fox. Dogg responded to the lawsuit by getting really, really high.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• According to people “in the know,” there is a legitimate chance that the rock group Police will reunite sometime this year. The other two guys from the Police, drummer Stewart Copeland and guitarist Andy Summers, were unavailable for comment as they were “rubbing Master Sting’s feet, preparing his breakfast and readying the living room for company.”

• After a down year in 2005, Hollywood is rejoicing at the news that the domestic box office saw a modest 3.4% jump in profits.  Many insiders thought 2005’s downward trend would continue through 2006 and possibly into 2007.  Luckily with such films as Little Man, Aqua Marie, and Slither leading the charge, the movie industry was able to rebound.

• Busta Rhymes?  More like Busta Nose.  The rapper, whose real name is Trevor Smith, has been arrested for allegedly beating a man over money.  The incident marks the first time in several years that Rhymes has been associated with a hit.

• In a sad bit of news for the 13-year-olds in our great nation, the hit television show, The O.C., has been cancelled.  In addition to crushing the Thursday night viewing dreams of pre-pubescent children, the move has thrown the California Tourism Board into the unenviable position of pushing Fox to greenlight other shows like The L.A., The S.F. and The S.D.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Going back to the well, NBC has announced plans to produce a remake of the 1970’s series The Bionic Woman – a tale of a woman who receives hi-tech implants that save her life. Obviously, we here at QSE News could go for the “easy” joke about where those implants are located but that would be degrading.  Instead, will simply say the new series deals with how the new technology will help the Bionic Woman do all the things women love to do”¦ like clean the house and cook for her husband.

• Black Eyed Peas main man Will.i.am is getting ready to help Michael Jackson with a new album. The new material is said to be a concept album narrating Jackson’s own personal struggles while fleeing a horribly oppressive society that persecutes men for spending “naked time” with children.

• After several rumors over the past few weeks, Barbara Walters has come out in defense of her decision to hire Rosie O’Donnell as a host of the television show The View.  Walters was quoted as saying “I do not regret hiring Rosie one bit.  We had an affirmative action quota to fill and I ask you, where else am I going to find a fat, obnoxious, anti-Asian lesbian?  Huh?”

• We here at QSE news want to give a belated birthday shout out to Mr. Mel Gibson, who turned 51 on Monday.  Those close to Mr. Gibson claimed that this year’s celebration was a little more subdued and only included 72 bottles of Jack Daniels and 187 racial slurs. The Los Angeles Police Department was not invited to the party but did manage to stop by “for old times sake.”

• And finally today, George Lucas has said that filming for the much anticipated fourth Indiana Jones movie will begin in 2007. Lucas also announced the special-edition, digitally-enhanced version of the film will go into production in 2008. At press time, there was no release date for the super-special, extended and digitally-enhanced version of the film.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• ABC Television has announced that they have greenlit a TV series based on the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith.  The new series will pick up six months after the events of the movie and will reportedly be darker and funnier than it’s movie predecessor.  With the series, ABC hopes to capture the same magic the movie had by putting an end to Jennifer Aniston’s current romance.

• Mike Tyson has joined the ever-growing list of celebrities who like to take a little drive after polishing off a fifth of Jack.  Tyson was nabbed outside of a Scottsdale, AZ nightclub after nearly hitting a sheriff’s cruiser.  When asked for comment on the arrest, ex-Tyson opponent Evander Hollyfield shouted “HUH?  WHAT??  YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP!!  I CAN’T HEAR A SINGLE WORD YOU JUST SAID!”

• According to reports coming out of England, ex-Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty and paper-thin model Kate Moss may have tied the knot. While representatives of the couple have denied that the pair married, Quick Stop News has learned that an enormous, five-tiered wedding cake made out of cocaine and heroin was ordered by Doherty.

• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg over the weekend. Although the exact details are not known, early reports indicate that Schwarzenegger got his leg caught in a metal press while chasing Sarah and John Connor through an abandoned steel mill.

• And finally, in her continuing effort to ensure that her children later refer to her as “the reason we need therapy,” Britney Spears reportedly passed out at a New Year’s Eve party in Las Vegas. Punting rumors that she was drunk off her cootchie, her publicist says Britney was just tired and simply fell asleep. We here at QSE News stand by Britney as lord knows 12 shots of Jagermeister and two kamikazes always makes us sleepy too.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• On her official webpage, author J.K. Rowling has put up a hangman game where fans can figure out the title of the 7th, and final, Harry Potter book.  It has been speculated that in the book the young hero Harry Potter will die, effectively driving millions of readers into the arms of NBC’s To Catch a Predator.

• From our “Where Are They Now” file, Fred Durst, lead “singer” of Limp Bizkit, has been cast in an upcoming movie titled Play Dead.  The story centers on a formerly successful frat-rock star who desperately tries to hold on to his meager amount of “celebrity” without the aid of a VH1 reality show.

• Some major movie studios here in the States are crying foul after the losing defendants in a major piracy case in China mysteriously disappeared.  Disney, Universal and Fox, amongst others, were hoping that the verdict would prove a crippling blow in their fight against piracy and are demanding that Chinese officials do everything in their power to locate the individuals.  In response, Chinese law enforcement agents released descriptions of the wanted men, each sporting an eye patch, parrot and wooden peg leg.

• Children across the country are giggling with glee now that the beleaguered Buster Baxter, the cartoon star of the PBS series Postcards From Buster, is getting a second chance with 10 new episodes. The original series was yanked after Buster visited a family in Vermont with two mommies.  PBS executives couldn’t have been more excited as they released the upcoming schedule which features the episodes “Jimmy and the House of Crack” and “Timmy’s Daddy is a ‘Bottom’.”

• In another example of what happens when Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t have something occupying her mouth, a war of words has begun evolving the corpulent host of The View and the toupee challenged Donald Trump.  This latest brouhaha comes after O’Donnell chastised Donald Trump’s reaction to the controversy surrounding Miss USA Tara Conner and her nights of under-age drinking, drug use and illicit sex.  When asked for comment, Trump fired back, “The only time O’Donnell should open her fat mouth should be to stuff it full of food… or vagina!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Madonna is set to direct a boxing movie called Blade To The Heart. After successfully setting back the art of acting thirty years by her performances in Die Another Day and Swept Away, it’s only natural that she would want to do the same for the art of directing.

• In Beatles news, the FBI has released all documents pertaining to investigations concerning formerly alive songwriter John Lennon. Among the surprise revelations in the papers is the fact that Lennon was not a Conservative and did not approve of the Vietnam war. The FBI files on Ringo Starr remain uninteresting.

• To go along with the recent influx of geriatric rock, the band Rush has announced that they are putting the finishing touches on a new studio album.  The concept album, called Hold Your Bladder, will feature unnecessarily lengthy songs that tell the story of three, aged and incontinent musicians who discover that their music hasn’t been relevant for over 30 years.

• Putting the “Ew” in news, it has been confirmed that stars Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are dating.  Stone, 48 and Slater, 37 began dating after starring together in the movie Bobby. Slater commented on the relationship in a recent interview by saying “I just wasn’t looking for a challenge. I’m pretty sick of trying to seduce women. I just wanted a sure thing and. . .well, come on.  Sharon Stone.  Hello?  Ten years ago calling?  Easy money, people.  Easy money.”

• And finally, in other recording news, the Black Eyed Peas have recorded a “fun” new album. The band took to heart the voice of their fan collective that said the world was sick of hearing such politically and religiously charged anthems as “Let’s Get Retarded” and “My Humps.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Ringo Starr is set to “tell-all“ in an upcoming documentary for British TV. Topics for the documentary will likely include revelations about Starr’s true role with the Beatles. “I wrote every song. And sang every song. And played all the instruments. Please believe me. Please like me.”

• The book publisher who tapped O.J. Simpson to write a tell-all book has been fired for making anti-Semitic comments.  Judith Regan supposedly lamented to a lawyer that there was a “Jewish cabal” against her in the publishing community.  Regan’s lawyer has called the allegations “completely untrue,” adding that his client “has NEVER had an anti-Semitic bone in her body.  Pro-Semitic bones?  Sure.  Tons.  Especially after a couple of apple-tinis.”

• It’s been announced that geek god Bryan Singer may direct the new television drama Football Wives for ABC.  The series, which is a remake of the British show Footballers’ Wives, promises to deliver the same amount of drama and intrigue that the original series did, only his version will be centered on an actual sport”¦ not soccer.

• Heavyweight singer Ruben Studdard, who recently lost over 100 pounds, is trying to get residents of Alabama to commit to losing 10 pounds each.  To help the people who make the pledge, Studdard has sought the help of renowned celebrity weight loss expert Nicole Richie.

• In a sad bit of news, beloved animator Joe Barbera, co-creator of such iconic cartoon characters as Tom and Jerry, Scooby-Doo and the Flinstones, passed away Monday from natural causes.  A memorial service is being planned, and it is expected that there will not be a dry eye in the house as George Jetson pushes the button on the side of the coffin to fold it into a little suitcase before it is carried out of the church.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• As part of her plan to assume total control of the planet, Oprah Winfrey will be producing two new reality-based shows. Although we don’t know for sure, we assume the first show to air (probably on the Oxygen channel”¦ or TNT) will feature Oprah whipping her “minions” into an undefeatable, all-woman army designed to emasculate men and topple governments while the second will be some touchy-feely crap with Dr. Phil.

• Avril Lavigne, is set to release a new album, The Best Damn Thing, in the Spring of 2007. Representatives at Lavigne’s record label, RCA, are still hoping for large sales figures despite the fact that Lavigne’s fan base has been decimated thanks to NBC’s To Catch a Predator.

• In reality TV news, Yul Kwon won this year’s Survivor: Cook Islands taking home the million dollar prize.  Kwon beat out several others in a controversial season of the show.  While Kwon is very happy about winning the prize, Rosie O’Donnell is said to be very upset.

• The Motion Picture Academy recently announced which films will be considered for Oscar nominations in the visual effects category.  Among the films vying for a nomination are X-Men:  The Last Stand, Superman Returns and Eragon.  Many industry insiders were shocked that the creators of Failure to Launch were not nominated for making Sarah Jessica Parker look human.

• And finally today, a judge has dismissed charges against actress Natasha Lyonne who was arrested for threatening to “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] her neighbor’s dog.”  The troubled American Pie star could not be reached for comment, but the neighbor’s dog was quoted as saying, “She wanted me to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] her?  I think I could’ve been down for that.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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