Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Tickets to this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival have already sold out, two months before the event. The news has left local drug dealers scrambling to bolster their inventory while local shop keepers have been forced to remove “unwanted yet essential” items, like soap, from the shelves to make room for more Doritos, Funyons and Oreo’s.

• Renowned shock jock Howard Stern is set to marry long time sweetheart and uber-hottie Beth Otrosky.  The news came as quite a shock to many Stern fans who took the radio personality’s comments that he would never marry again to heart.  Less shocking was the revelation that Stern proposed to Otrosky at Score’s while she was riding the Sybian and after a rousing game of Butt Bongos.  Baba Booey.

• In continued nuptial news, the formerly full-locked Felicity star Keri Russell has married longtime fiancé and contractor Shane Deary.  While wishing the couple a long and happy marriage, we here at QSE News would like to point out that it is highly unlikely the contractor will be able to re-build Russell’s career.

• Actor Aaron Eckhart is in final negotiations to join the cast of The Dark Knight as Batman ally and future bad guy Harvey Dent.  Insiders close to the production say that Eckhart was actually the second choice for the roll, but was called in when producers couldn’t come to terms with fitness guru Richard Simmons.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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