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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The man, the myth, behind the popular Girls Gone Wild video catalog has been jailed in Panama City. Joe Francis was ordered to surrender himself and serve time for contempt of court after walking out of proceedings to settle a four-year-old lawsuit. Francis said he only left the court room because the lawyers and judges weren’t acting “sexy enough” and refused to “look like they wanted it.”

• One of the stars of Scrubs is now a newlywed.  John C. McGinley, who plays Dr. Perry Cox on the hit show, married yoga instructor, Nichole Kessler, on Saturday.  When asked why he decided to marry Kessler, McGinley re-iterated, “She is a yoga instructor.  Perhaps you missed that?  I mean, you can’t begin to understand the positions we can do in bed.  It boggles the mind.”

• Model/ Actress Elizabeth Hurley is facing a possible jail sentence for her elaborate wedding held last month in Jodhpur, India.  Indian officials claim that Hurley’s wedding to Arun Nyar mocked Hindu traditions and the couple could face up to three years in prison if found guilty.  Prosecutors were set to meet today to determine if being forever know as the woman that drove Hugh Grant to a transvestite is punishment enough.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Radio personality Don Imus is in trouble for racist remarks he made regarding the Rutgers University championship women’s basketball team. Last week Imus referred to the team as nothing more than “nappy-headed hos.” Imus apologized saying he was told by his staff that “nappy” meant skill-oriented women and “hos” meant basketball players who can’t dunk.

• In a sad bit of news, the rock group Kiss lost on of its members last Thursday night. Guitarist Mark St. John, 51, died of an apparent brain hemorrhage. The news has left many Kiss fans with the same question: “Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is Mark St. John?”

• David Goyer has apparently recovered from his failed attempt to launch a Flash movie by wooing Warner Bros. to sponsor a Green Arrow film. The film will put Green Arrow behind bars where he will face super villains he captured. Goyer said he will play up the violence and play down the salad tossing and rusty tromboning.

• And finally today, the stars of the TV show King of Queens have filmed their last episode of the show which is scheduled to air next month. The series is ending because star Kevin James has opted out of the show to pursue a feature film career and because the show’s writers have completely run out of ideas to explain away how a fat, goofy-looking and unfunny man could be married to such a hot piece of ass.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The Will Ferrell vehicle Blades of Glory was number one at the box office this past weekend for the second week in a row. The film’s originality and continued success will still surely spawn a number of copycat films in which downtrodden athletes battle against the odds to become champions… just like last week.

• Fall Out Boy is postponing the start of the Honda Civic tour. Bass player and cheerleader Pete Wentz said the opening show was canceled for “personal issues.” Insiders were quick to note that although Wentz referred to them as “personal issues,” their names are actually Jennifer and Kelly.

• Violinist Joshua Bell has won the coveted Avery Fisher Prize and a purse worth $75,000. The Avery Fisher Prize is so difficult to earn that the prize has not been awarded in three years. Bell won the prize despite being a wussy violinist.

• Writer/Director/God Amongst Men Kevin Smith has finally revealed some plans for his upcoming horror film, Red State. Smith, known primarily for making comedies, is set to make his horror genre debut with an evildoer based on Kansas preacher Fred Phelps. Insiders are saying that to up the film’s horror and gore, Smith is considering casting Hilary Swank in the lead role.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Firstly today, the classic game show The Price Is Right will soon have a different host for the first time in 35 years.  Insiders claim that the producers have narrowed their choice of host down to five people, including George Hamilton, Mario Lopez and Mark Steins.  Current host Bob Barker has announced his retirement from the program and is expected to tape his final show in June, at which point he “won’t give a flying [EXPLETIVE DELETED] whether or not you spay or neuter your animals.”

• Actor George Clooney reportedly paid a local Tobaccoville, North Carolina girl $20 for a glass of lemonade from a make-shift stand. When asked about the star’s generosity, the little girl was overhead saying “A lousy [EXPLETIVE DELETED] $20? That’s all Mr. Big Shot movie actor could afford? I’m really glad now that I pissed in that pitcher.”

• Michael Jackson is reportedly taking legal action to stop a proposed auction of Jackson family memorabilia.  The auction, which is set to take place next month in Las Vegas, is listing 1,100 items from the family including the gold record from Thriller and a hand written lyric sheet to the Jackson 5’s hit song “ABC.”  Jackson is most upset about several personal items that are to be in the auction, including his expansive collection of Under-roos, several bottles of candy flavored wine and his original nose.

• In a recent poll by SFX Magazine, 3000 voters picked the film Serenity as the best sci-fi film of all time, beating out the juggernaut film Star Wars.  Fans of the Star Wars movie are crying foul about the poll, though, saying that it was unfair of the magazine to have people rank the films after a screening of The Phantom Menace.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Comic book writer Grant Morrison has been hired to write a film adaptation of the hit video game Area 51. Morrison says the plot will delve into the mysteries surrounding the top secret military installation and include several types of alien beings.  According to insiders, the aliens will have a classic yet eerie look to them, and will be based on actress Hilary Swank.

• Actor Adam Sandler is set to star in a new Disney film called Bedtime Stories.  The film, about a man whose life gets weird when bedtime stories become real, is set to begin production this fall.  In related news, actor Rob Schnieder will finally get another job.

• Halle Berry has received her own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Berry became the 2,333rd celebrity to receive a star along the world famous walk way. Berry was scheduled to receive the star years ago but everyone felt that it was in the star’s best interest to wait until everyone forgot that she was in Catwoman, Swordfish, Bullworth, B*A*P*S, The Flinstones, Boomerang…

• Country singer Billy Joe Shaver is wanted by Texas police for allegedly shooting a man in a parking lot. We at QSE are glad to finally see country stars taking it to the next level and proving that even though they are rich white people from the south, they can still start some shit.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Fox Television has cancelled its new show, The Wedding Bells, after only seven episodes.  The show, about a family of wedding planners, only managed to draw 4.5 million viewers during its run.  We here at QSE News want to condemn Fox for not giving this show the chance it deserved.  We never watched it, but we’re sure it was better than The War At Home.

• Rock star and living skeleton Keith Richards has admitted to the British magazine NME that he once snorted the ashes of his cremated father.  According to Richards, he mixed the ashes with cocaine to make it more “palatable.”  When asked for comment, a relative of Richards stated that “it could have been worse.  I mean, he could have melted his dad in a spoon with some heroin and shot him into his [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”

• A Swedish couple has failed in their attempt to name their new, baby girl “Metallica,” after their favorite heavy metal band.  Sweden’s tax agency, which is in charge of approving Swedish names, rejected the request because of its association with the band and because, as one official noted, “it’s an ugly name.”  However, the agency did give the couple permission to name their daughter after their second favorite metal act, Alabama Thunderpussy.

• The TV show 7th Heaven will be airing its series finale on May 13th. The show, which is the longest running family drama on TV, centers around a Christian minister and his family dramas. Fans of the show are sad to see it leave the air but at the same time are a little relieved because the show hasn’t really been the same since the father/minister of the show sacrificed two if his daughters to Baal.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Three teenagers were injured early Sunday morning when unknown assailants opened fire on a crowd gathered outside of a Nickolodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party.  While no one has been arrested, police are pursuing leads including one eye-witness who swore that he heard two rap stars arguing about who was cooler, SpongeBob or Ben 10, shortly before the shots were fired.

• It appears that Sting isn’t the only master of tantric sex in the music world.  Rapper/producer/liar Sean “Diddy” Combs recently told a London newspaper that he and his girlfriend, Kim Porter, had tantric sex for 30 hours while visiting Paris.  When asked for comment on the boast, a noticeably uncomfortable Porter stated “Yeah, we ain’t be doin’ that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] anymore. My va-jay feels like it walked from here to Tallahassee.”

• Hollywood stars Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey had to be evacuated from the set of their new movie because of a poisonous jellyfish.  The pair were filming a scene in Australia when a Irukandji jellyfish was spotted near the set.  After the incident, a local man apologized for the incident, saying that it really wasn’t a jellyfish, he just got really excited seeing Hudson in a bikini.

• The remains of actor James Doohan, better known as Scotty from the original Star Trek series, are set to be blasted into space.  Doohan’s ashes have been loaded onto a rocket that is set to take off later this month.  Friends and family were relieved when they were able to honor the first wishes of the actor who stipulated that if his ashes could not be sent into space, he wanted someone to “snort his ashes and [EXPLETIVE DELETED] a hooker in the [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The Will Ferrell vehicle Blade of Glory was number one at the box office this past weekend, raking in more than $30 million. The film’s originality and success will surely spawn a number of copycat films in which downtrodden athletes battle against the odds to become champions.

• Cillian Murphy has joined the cast of the upcoming film The Best Time of Our Lives. Murphy will star alongside Keira Knightley, Matthew Rhys and Lindsay Lohan. The film will begin shooting later this year after Lohan has “the best time of her life” leading to another rehab stint.

• In other casting news, actor Luke Goss has been cast in Hellboy 2: The Golden Army. The casting of Goss came as a complete surprise to many as no one is quite sure who Luke Goss is.

• Director Richard Donner is teaming up with comic writer Geoff Johns to create a comic sequel to the hit movie The Goonies. The book with follow the young adventurers as they search for the lost career of Corey Feldman.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• U2 singer Bono has become the latest celebrity to become a knight of the British Empire. Bono was reportedly excited about the new title and immediately asked when he would get his suit of armor and where he could get some “princess tang.”

• The Beastie Boys have announced that they will be performing several acoustic shows this summer. To help promote the shows, group members plan on getting arrested for drunk driving, getting caught shouting racial slurs and entering rehab. “It’s worked for all the other rappers… so we might as well,” said Beastie Boy Mike D.

• Actress Halle Berry has admitted to Parade magazine that after her marriage with baseball player David Justice ended, she tried to kill herself. Berry apparently tried to asphyxiate herself by sitting in a running car in a garage, but stopped when she thought about her mother finding her. We here at QSE News would like to congratulate Ms. Berry for having the courage to admit this, but we would also like to remind her that no one likes a quitter.

• Microsoft has announced plans to release a new version of their next-gen gaming console, the Xbox 360. The Xbox 360 Elite will come with a High Definition Multimedia Interface port as well as a 120 gig hard drive. Gamers across the country are preparing for the new system by collecting 119 gigs worth of digital porn.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The cover for the next, and last, Harry Potter novel has been revealed. The cover features Harry Potter alone, reaching for the sky. Fans of the series had hoped the cover would feature the three main characters of the book, naked and in a loving embrace.

• With the success of the LEGO Star Wars videogames, LEGO has announced a similar game based on its Batman license, LEGO Batman: The Vidoegame. The game will allow gamers the opportunity to play little LEGO versions of many classic Batman characters. The game is geared towards children, but to help draw adult gamers, developers built in features like sex with hookers, car jacking, vandalism and a crazy amount of violence.

• Black Eyed Peas member Taboo was arrested for drinking, driving and smashing in Industry, CA. According to reports the rapper was picked up and charged with Driving Under the Influence after a collision. We at QSE feel for Mr. Taboo and hope that he remains strong in these difficult times but we’d also like to caution and remind him that no amount of alcohol will make him forget that he is in part responsible for “My Humps.”

• And finally today, writer/director Guy Ritchie is set to launch a new graphic novel with Virgin Comics.  The comic, called Game Keeper, is said to be a gritty crime drama.  Much like the last few projects Ritchie has spearheaded, it is expected that his wife Madonna will soon become involved and make a once cool project totally lame.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Comedian Eddie Griffin destroyed a Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million while driving the car around a track. Griffin lost control of the rare car while preparing for a charity race in promotion of his new film Redline.  Producers of the film were quick to point out that the wreck was just an accident and in no way foreshadowing with regard to the film or Griffin’s career.

• MTV has announced that it will premiere the entire final season of the hit show Punk’d on April 7th.  All eight episodes will be shown back to back in a special “Sneak Peek,” then the show will make it’s regular “premiere” on April 10.  Insiders see this as a brazen move showing that MTV’s executives are indeed retarded.

• According to rumors, Johnny Depp may be appearing in the next Sin City film from director Robert Rodriguez. Although he may still appear, Depp was more excited about the role when he thought the title was in reference to a party at Rodriguez’s house and not a film.

• Former Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Boreland is coming back with a brand new band and a brand new album. The new band called Black Light Burn will release its first album on June 5th.  In related news, former Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst will also be releasing an album with his new band Come On, I Need Some Money.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland is in trouble for trashing a hotel room in Burbank, CA. According to reports, Weiland and his wife got into an argument and the couple proceeded to destroy the hotel room. Weiland and his wife were arguing over the best way to inject heroine. Weiland maintains that the “old school” way of using arm veins is the best while his wife thinks shooting heroine directly into the carotid artery is totally the way to go.

• Corbin Bernsen, perhaps best known as Arnie Becker on L.A. Law, is set to direct the new horror film Dead Air.  The film involves a pair of radio hosts who have to warn L.A. about a zombie attack.  At this time it is unclear if the producers of the film will push the envelope of horror by actually casting Bernsen himself in the film.

• Actor Kal Penn, Kumar from the film Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, is set to become a guest instructor at the University of Pennsylvania in the Spring of 2008.  Penn will be teaching two courses at the university, “Images of Asian Americans in the Media” and “How to be in 22 Movies and Several TV Shows and Not Have Anyone Know What Your Name Is.”

• Amongst the guitar and drums, the White Stripes will add bagpipes and trumpets to the band’s next album. The next Stripes album, titled Icky Thump, is coming out in June. The bagpipes will add a much needed element of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] annoying suck to the White Stripes sound.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• A film about four talking ninja turtles who also happen to be teenagers has won the weekend box office.  Producers of the film were surprised at the film’s success, as many insiders believed the film was doomed after Corey Feldman declined to reprise his role as the voice of Donatello.

• Snoop Dogg has been denied a visa into England and will not be able to play the five scheduled concert dates within the country. Dogg and several of his friends were arrested and spent an evening in jail back in 2006 for a brawl started at Heathrow Airport. According to his lawyers, Dogg is willing to do whatever it takes to clear up any outstanding issues – unless that would entail eating British food (ok… we’ll do it… we weren’t going to but here it is) and handing over his pot.

• Canadian band The New Pornographers are in the studio recording a new album.  The album, which is a follow up to the band’s 2005 release Twin Cinema, is said to have more of an “epic” feel.  In related news, the old Pornographers will also be releasing a new album, full of naked people doing it.

• Toys for the highly anticipated movie Spider-Man 3 have hit shelves, revealing major plot lines from the movie.  Stores were prohibited from putting the toys out until the 24th, but that didn’t stop a few thousand from hitting the internet early.  We here at QSE News would like to thank dorks all over the country for raising the bar of theft and sloth to new heights.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Our nightly prayers have been answered as it appears that the last hold-out Spice Girl has caved in response to a Spice Girls reunion. The Spice Girl known as Mel C, known to her fans as “Sportified spice” or “The Butch One,” was initially against the reunion as she was busy concentrating on a solo career. A spokesperson for the remaining Spice Girls (with the exception of Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham who doesn’t need the money) released a statement to the press noting that “the girls will require at least two weeks notice for any reunion as McDonald’s has a minimum of a two week notice on all leaves of absence.”

• Actor Russell Crowe is set to make his directorial debut with the film Bra Boys.  The film is said to be a fact based drama about the surf community in Australia and not a biography picture about famous cross-dressers RuPaul, Hilary Swank, Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock and Ryan Seacrest.

• Author Terry McMillan is suing her former husband and inspiration for her book How Stella Got Her Groove Back for $40 million.  In the suit McMillan claims that Jonathan Plummer only married her to become a US citizen and tried to ruin her reputation during the divorce.  While McMillan is awaiting the courts decision, she is busy writing her latest book tentatively titled How Stella Sued Her Former Husband and Made Enough Cash to Never Have to Write Another Book Again.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Tom Cruise has signed on to star in director Bryan Singer’s untitled WW2 movie. While little is known about the plot of the movie, Singer did reveal that it is based on a true story.  Cruise will play a soldier who brain washes a hot actress, forces her to bear his child, and locks her in the basement in order to appease the great Lord Xenu.  Filming is slated to begin next year.

• Both CDs released by the super-group Traveling Wilburys will be re-released after more than 10 years out of print. To celebrate the re-release of the albums, the band is planning a reunion tour that will begin as soon as they can exhume the bodies of band members Roy Orbison, George Harrison and Bob Dylan.

• Hilary Duff has come out to the press, saying that she felt pressure to loose weight.  The 19-year-old singer and actress says that seeing reports on her weight in tabloids led to the feelings that she was getting too fat.  We here at QSE News want to applaud Miss Duff for finally bringing this issue to the forefront.  In related news, Thunder-Thighs Duff has recently been cast as Rosie O’Donnell in a new bio-pic.

• Charles Harrelson, the father of actor Woody Harrelson, has died of a heart attack.  The elder Harrelson was in jail at the time of his death, serving two consecutive life sentences in a federal prison.  Representatives for Woody Harrelson wanted to stress that his father was in jail for murder and not for being responsible for the birth of Woody.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Halliburton and Michael Jackson apparently aren’t the only things interested in moving to Dubai. According to Marvel Entertainment, Inc, a new theme park will be built in Dubai featuring many of Marvel’s most popular heroes. The theme park is scheduled to open in 2011 and will be bombed in 2012.

• Angelina Jolie is set to star in the comic-adaptation Wanted. Wanted is the story of a man who attempts to take his father’s place as the World’s greatest hitman. Jolie will play an assassin who helps the main character blossom into a cold hearted killer. Jolie is said to be practicing for her role by traveling to foreign countries, murdering innocent people and taking their children.

• And in continued Jolie news, protesters are demanding that graphic new ads for the movie Captivity, starring former 24-hot box, Elisha Cuthbert, be pulled from L.A. billboards and N.Y. taxi cab placards.  The protests are being led by Jolie, who emphatically states that “the advertisements represent a factual representation of her recent adoption activities.”

• The three or four remaining fans of Britney Spears will be glad to hear that Spears will be ending her stint in rehab this week after having a “major breakthrough.”  Unfortunately, we here at QSE feel that we would not be a responsible news organization if we failed to report that her only “breakthrough” has been stubble “breaking through” the skin of her head and pubic region.  Just thought you should know.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The Smashing Pumpkins will be performing at the Virgin Festival in Toronto. It remains unconfirmed who exactly makes up the Smashing Pumpkins as, currently, the only two members are Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin. Some promoters feel that the band could have issues rounding out the line-up because, as one unidentified source stated, “it’s hard to find musicians who are capable of putting up with large amounts of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] from a little, bald control freak.”

• Tragedy struck the set of the new TV show Lipstick Jungle as the show’s star, Brooke Shields, became locked in her trailer.  Apparently Miss Shields became stuck in the trailer when she failed to realize she had to turn the knob and pull on the door for it to open.  Shields blamed the incident on her post partum depression.

• Uma Thurmon and her boyfriend Andre Balazs have split up. Reports from the couple say the split is amicable but was forced when Balazs saw My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• In a historic moment, the TV game show Jeopardy ended in a three way tie. All three answered the Final Jeopardy question which was “A gigantic tool” with the correct answer of “Who is Alex Trebek.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Cate Blanchett has signed on for the next Indiana Jones movie. Although unconfirmed, Blanchette is expected to voice a playful, funny-talking, all-CGI character.

• Phil Spector will finally stand trial for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson, committed almost four years ago. The trial will be shown on live TV and will feature Spector looking totally [EXPLETIVE DELETED] crazy.

• Contrary to reports posted last week, Jake Gyllenhaal will not be playing Captain Marvel in an upcoming film. This is good news for the director’s second choice for the role; Richard Simmons.

• Michael Bay is attached to direct the film 2012, based on a book by Whitley Strieber. It’s being reported that Bay is asking for a budget of $4.5 billion dollars and is planning on waiting until the year 2012 to begin filming to keep the film “realistic.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It has been announced by Scholastic, Inc. that 12 million copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows will be printed in the book’s first run, breaking a printing record. While the books are sure to eventually sell, insiders think that this number is way too high, as there are only seven million registered pedophiles in the US.

• Former gay cowboy and current serial killer hunter Jake Gyllenhaal is in talks to star in a big screen adaptation of DC Comics’s Shazam!. Producers hope to get Gyllenhaal on board as soon as possible, as filming is slated to begin in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds.

• Heather Mills has been asked by British police to refrain from calling the emergency services number unless there is a true emergency. Since Mills and Paul McCartney filed for divorce, Mills has been the subject of a paparazzi frenzy. Mills responded that “if I can’t call the police to come over and shoot the paparazzi or my ex-husband or to help me find my leg, just who in the hell am I supposed to call?”

• TV personality Regis Philbin is recovering after having bypass surgery. The 75 year old talk show host has recently had chest pains and shortness of breath, which prompted the procedure. We here at QSE News would like to take a moment to recognize all of you who prayed for Philbin’s recovery. Look what you did”¦ jerks.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• While R. Kelly is getting ready to release his next album, Double Up, he is offering fans a chance to get an early listen by calling a number set up to preview some of the new songs. When callers dial the number they will be greeted by a prompt that asks them to press one for new songs and press two if they’d like R. Kelly to come to their house and pee on them.

• Actress Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy on Tuesday.  Both mother and baby, which weighed in at 6 pounds, 6 ounces, are said to be doing well.  The birth itself went off without a complication, except for when the baby burst through Spelling’s stomach and attacked the hospital staff.

• Part-time actress and full-time hottie, Angelina Jolie, has apparently adopted another child, bringing her total number of children to four.  When asked why she was adopting the three-year old Vietnamese boy, Jolie responded that she had just purchased “a really nice rug and some drapes and the other children just don’t go with it.”

• Michael Lohan, the estranged father of actress/alcoholic Lindsay Lohan, has been released from a Buffalo prison after serving almost two years for attempted assault and driving while intoxicated.  Lohan says that he has changed his ways and hopes to reconcile with his daughter.  “I have a lot to teach her,” said Lohan. “Like what not to do to attract the cops attention while she’s driving home drunk.  I think I can really help her there.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Entertainment giant Viacom, parent company to MTV and Comedy Central among others, is suing YouTube for $1 billion in damages for allowing its users to post Viacom copyrighted material on its website. Viacom CEO Philippe P. Dauman made the demands from his secret headquarters located on the moon.

• The original lineup of REM reunited for the band’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while only two former members of Van Halen showed up for the event. Former singer and former bass player Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony, respectively, attended the ceremony despite being kicked out of the band. Eddie said later that he had intended on making the ceremony but his medical alert bracelet wasn’t working.

• Sylvester Stallone is in trouble for trying to import illegal substances into Australia. Stallone and his crew were stopped in the Sydney airport under suspicion of possessing a banned human growth hormone. Stallone maintains that he needed the hormone to prepare himself for an upcoming fight with “a gigantic Russian guy.”

• Hoping to capitalize on the success of religious movies like The Passion of the Christ, Hyde Park Entertainment has announced that they will produce a film about the first Easter.  The movie, which is slated to begin filming shortly, will stick closely to the story in the Bible except for the part where Jesus rises from the dead only to discover that he has 24 hours to stop a giant bunny who’s hiding explosive eggs around Los Angeles.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rapper Snoop Dogg was held by police in Sweden for suspicion of illegal drug use. Dogg was in Sweden to attend a party where organizers hoped to get all attendees high simply by standing in the vicinity of Dogg.

• The band Snow Patrol will have its song “Signal Fire” appear in the upcoming Spider-Man 3 film. The song was chosen after Director Sam Raimi realized that Limp Bizkit is no longer available to record new material for the film.

• In a sad bit of news, classic rocker Brad Delp was found dead in his home on Friday.  It appears that the rocker, who was in the band Boston, had “More Than A Feeling” in his chest and took a “Long Time” to call 911.

• Comedian Richard Jeni is dead after an apparent suicide.  Jeni’s girlfriend found the comedian/actor gravely wounded with a gunshot wound to the face. So, if you were never a fan, skipped his numerous appearances on The Tonight Show, avoided his award-winning and highly acclaimed televised stand up routines or simply dismissed him as unfunny… we hope you’re happy now.

• The Beau Monde center, a luxury rehab clinic in Los Angeles, is suing troubled singer Courtney Love for failure to pay her rehab bill.  Officials close to Love insist that the matter is being taken care of and the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.  According to sources, Love was too strung out on coke to realize that she needed to pay the bill for her successful rehab.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The scantily clad Spartan film 300 was number one at the box office this weekend after grossing more than $70 million. In addition to setting a March opening-day box-office record, the film also succeeded in confusing the sexual identity of more than two million adolescent males.

• Maggie Gyllenhaal has been selected to replace Katie Holmes as the character Rachel Dawes in next Batman film. Gyllenhaal’s co-stars in the film are said to be excited by the opportunity to work with an actress whose husband isn’t keeping her locked in a basement.

• It appears the real reason the Van Halen reunion tour was called off is because Eddie Van Halen is entering rehab for undisclosed reasons. This announcement may go down as the biggest shock in music news history. And by biggest, we mean totally expected.

• France is getting set to release a set of stamps showcasing the characters of the Harry Potter book and film series.  French officials are insisting that the stamps are an honor and not merely a roundabout way of licking Harry and his friends’ backside. And by backside we mean butt.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Representatives for the estate of former Queen singer Freddie Mercury have sent a cease and desist order to NECA toys, barring the release of a new Mercury action figure.  According to the order, the figure was never approved and is therefore unauthorized.  When asked for comment about what was wrong with the figure, an insider stated that the toy “just didn’t have that certain, what’s the word, happiness?  No, that’s not the word…”

• John Popper, lead singer/harmonica player for Blues Traveler, was arrested after Washington State Patrol clocked him going 111 mph in his Mercedes SUV. After searching the vehicle, officers found a large supply of weapons and a small amount of marijuana. When asked about the drugs, Popper stated that it’s “medicinal” and part of his weight loss plan.  When quizzed about the weapons, Popper responded simply, “This isn’t over, Dave Matthews. You know what you did and I’m coming for you.”

• Disney announced yesterday that production has begun at Pixar on Toy Story 3.  Michael Arndt, who just won an Academy Award for his screenplay to Little Miss Sunshine, is penning the script.  According to Arndt, his “totally original” story is going to center on “Woody and Buzz heading to California so Buzz can be in a talent show.  However, along the way, Woody dies, right?  He ODs or something. So they have to tape him to the back of that little [EXPLETIVE DELETED] car with eyes and drive around with him.”

• Three hundred fans of pop singer Michael Jackson paid $3,400 each in order to hang out with the reclusive superstar for one special night in Japan.  During the engagement, Jackson talked to the fans and took pictures, but did not sing or dance.  Insiders report that Jackson refused to do any of his “A” material when he found out the event had a 16 and over age limit.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Marvel Comics has killed off one of its most recognizable characters ““ Captain America. Marvel has released a statement saying that plan on continuing the spirit of Captain America through other characters which will embody different aspects of America such as The Radical Right Winger, The Whiney Democrat and Jose Can-Chu-See.

• Actress Kirsten Dunst has been named the Female Star of the Year at this year’s ShoWest film convention.  This is the award is the first major award that Dunst has won since her Golden Globe turn in Interview With a Vampire.  Organizers of ShoWest picked Dunst for the award in hopes that she will start picking more serious roles that will lead to nude scenes.

• Gi-normous and angry talk show host, Rosie O’Donnell, has admitted that she has been treated for depression ever since the Columbine school shooting in 1999.  As part of her treatments to improve her mental health, O’Donnell claims that she hangs upside down for up to a half-hour everyday.  As a result of this “revelation,” we here at QSE News are reminded to tip our hats to the hard working men and women of the steel industry for making structural supports that can hold outlandish weights.

• A reunited Genesis is heading out on tour. This version of the band will consist of Tony Banks, Phil Collins and Mike Rutherford with additional musicians to help round out the band’s sound. The group will play songs from the entire Genesis catalogue while ignoring the fact that Peter Gabriel was really the only talented member of the group.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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