FRED Entertainment

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Singer Axl Rose says the LONG anticipated release of the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy will be on March 6“¦ or maybe March 23. No, wait, probably May 16. Or perhaps July. But it might also hit stores on September 23. The four or five fans Guns N’ Roses has left have begun waiting in line at their local Wal-Marts.

• Several religious groups are upset about the new movie, Black Christmas, which is set to be released on Christmas day.  The movie, a remake of a 1974 film sees a group of women being terrorized by a killer during the Christmas season.  Most of the protests stem from the fact that the movie is completely un-watchable and should never have been made.

• Fall Out Boy bass player, Pete Wentz, hurt himself recently while performing a stunt for the band’s new video. The video, for the song “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race,” has been completed despite the fact that the video will never be seen as MTV, VH1 and Fuse no longer show music videos.

• Video game developer, Edios, has been given exclusive rights to create games for some of Warner Bros. hottest properties including the TV show The OC. A first person game is already in development that will allow players to “try and convince Mischa Barton to come to come back to the show.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a continuing effort to completely dumb down the American populace, Comedy Central has ordered a pilot of an animated series featuring Larry the Cable Guy.  The show, in which Larry will play half owner of a cable TV station, will draw heavily from his stand up comedy act.  With the show, Comedy Central is hoping to lock down the elusive male, 40-year-old, unemployed, racist, alcoholic demographic that advertisers refer to as the “NASCAR fan.”

• Yoko Ono’s driver has been arrested for attempting to blackmail the famous “Beatles breaker.” It appears that the driver, Koral Karsan, threatened to release embarrassing photos of Ono unless he received $2 million. Karsan also threatened to release embarrassing audio tapes of Ono, completely unaware these tapes were released to the public years ago under the titles Plastic Ono Band, Fly and Walking On Thin Ice to name but a few.

• Shortly after filming an episode of Unplugged for MTV, the band Korn announced that drummer David Silveria will be taking a “temporary” hiatus from the band because he apparently needs a “little ‘me’ time.”  After the announcement, fans of the band appeared noticeably shaken, many of them crying “why!” and completely oblivious to the fact that in order to fully understand this situation, one should replace the word “little” with “a lot,” the word “me” with “heroin” and the word “time” with “rehab.”

• In baby news, Lizzie Grubman has given birth to a healthy baby boy.  Both mother and baby are doing well despite the fact that no one knows nor cares who Lizzie Grubman is.

• The fashionistas at PETA have decided to kick a celebutard while she’s down by naming crack-whore-thin Nicole Richie as their worst dressed “celebrity” of 2006.  When asked for comment, Richie, who was wearing ostrich-skin boots, leather pants, a crocodile belt, a blouse made from a koala, a mink coat and jaunty cap with spotted owl feathers stated “I’m jus gonna has one more drinky winky and then I’ma gonna drive my friends here to my place… *HIC*”¦ so we can keep this party kickin’ Whooo!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Jason Lee, of My Name is Earl fame, is set to produce and star in a comedy entitled Krater. The film follows a rock band as they bring on a new lead singer with hidden “oral talents,” and gain sudden popularity.  Lee maintains that his film is in no way a rip-off of Marky Mark’s, Rockstar, which was a film that followed a rock band that brought on a new singer after the original stopped hiding his “oral talents.”

• It appears that America has a new, favorite past time… suing Borat. Fresh on the heels of a judge’s ruling to dismiss a lawsuit against Borat’s creator, Sacha Baron Cohen, by two, adorably misogynistic/racist/homophobic frat boys, a South Carolina man has filed suit stating the comedian made fun of the man while he urinated in the men’s room of an upscale restaurant.   When asked for comment, Cohen stated “I don’t think this man has the balls to go through with this.”

• Proving that the apocalypse is, indeed, nearing, Paris Hilton has announced that she wants to have kids.  Surprisingly, the awkwardly sexual Paris is forgoing the traditional, celebrity method of conceiving children in the restroom of Hyde and has hired top scientists to genetically engineer a brand of “boutique children” small enough to fit nicely inside a Gucci shoulder bag. “It should be fairly easy,” said one scientist, “assuming we can get our hand’s on some of Tom Cruise’s seed.”

• In sad news, Ramon Escobar, programming chief of Spanish network Telemundo, will be stepping down on December 31.  I’m sure we here at QSE speak for everyone when we say “Nosotros nunca miramos realmente Telemundo, pero cuando hicimos, vimos alguna mierda loca. Gracias para programar muchas a mujeres con senos grandes y muy poco ropa.”

• The band Def Leppard is getting ready to record a new studio album, the band’s first disc of original music since 2002’s X. Singer Joe Elliott said the band is hoping to recapture the enormous fame it had in the 80’s by getting back to a grittier sound. “We saw the height of our popularity just after our drummer lost his arm. So to get back to that, we are going to amputate our bass player’s left leg.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Famous lesbian, Rosie O’Donnell, has found herself in hot water after stating on her show, The View, that the Chinese language is comprised mostly of “chings” and “chongs.”  In a statement to the press regarding those comments, O’Donnell stated that, contrary to popular belief, she is not racist against people of Chinese decent and what she meant to say is that the Chinese have an endearing love for Cheech and Chong.

• In “they’ll give a recording contract to anybody” news, actress Halle Barry is going to release a CD next year simply titled Halle. Music industry insiders say this latest announcement is a clear sign that record executives have completely given up on entertaining the public and are now focusing solely on punishing them.

• After being arrested for an alleged DUI, it was revealed that reality “star” Nichole Richie weighed in at a whopping 85 pounds.  I think we here at QSE speak for everyone when we say “come on Nichole, you’re really letting yourself go.  Put the cake down and have some damn self respect. Just because you are no longer on TV doesn’t mean you have to eat everything in site.”

• Early punk icon Iggy Pop has re-teamed with his original band, The Stooges, and plans are being laid to release a new studio album; the first by the band in over 30 years.  Although he experienced some success with the Stooges, Pop is best known for penning the song “Lust for Life” for the movie Trainspotting and also for starring as “The Crypt Keeper” on HBO’s long running show, Tales From the Crypt.

• In a touching moment, troubled singer Courtney Love broke down in tears as a judge ended her probation for assault and battery and dismissed three previous drug charges.  When asked what she was going to do on her first day of freedom, Love stated, in between sobs, that she was “gonna cook a spoon, [EXPLETIVE DELETED] a couple a dudes and find out which mother [EXPLETIVE DELETED] narc’d on me.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Acclaimed actress and Hyperthyroidism sufferer, Tori Spelling, garnered her most successful career move to date this weekend when she staged a giant yard sale at her Studio City home.  Hundreds of “fans” gathered to snatch up such “Spelling-licious” items as wine glasses, lingerie and a large, dusty, cardboard box labeled “Daddy’s Love.”

• Columbia Pictures and Sam Raimi have secured the rights to produce a new film based on the pulp hero The Shadow. To update the character into the modern age, executives at Columbia sent a memo to Raimi urging him to consider changing the “look” of the character by dressing him in a “blue and red body-suit.”  The memo also stated that the studio “REALLY wants The Shadow to have the ability to shoot a “˜web-like’ substance from holes in his wrists.”

• In a continuing effort to shy away from anything offensive, producers of this season’s Super Bowl have announced that Prince will be performing during the hallowed Half Time Show.  Prince has said that he will play a variety of songs from his catalog and looks forward to making the game’s large male audience “question their sexuality even more than watching men run around in tight pants and patting each other on the butt does.”

• Actor Lou Diamond Phillips has pleaded “no contest” to charges of domestic violence.  Ironically, this event marks the first time since the film Young Guns that Phillips and the word “hit” have been mentioned in the same breath.

• And finally, one of Japan’s most famous female stars has published a tell-all book that has all of Japan talking. In it, Mariko Ishihara tells of her sexual exploits, reveals some tawdry secrets of the Japanese entertainment industry and even “names names.”  Considering this book has fired up the country that gave the world Bukaki and the “used panty” vending machine, it just became the QSE “must have” gift of the season.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Comedy Central is set to air a new satirical cartoon named Lil’ Bush. The cartoon will follow a younger version of Bush and some of his friends as they make their way through elementary school. To keep the show as authentic as possible the show will remain on the air regardless of whether or not the majority of the United States population likes it.

• Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg are pairing up for a tour of Canada. All 14 Black people in Canada are reportedly “totally stoked.”

• Nerd’s rejoice!!  After months of speculation, it has been confirmed that director J.J. Abrams will helm a new Star Trek prequel movie scheduled to hit theaters in 2009.  When asked for comment, one fan, who was seen wearing pointy, prosthetic ears and peering at the outside world from a basement window in his parent’s home, proclaimed, in perfect Klingon, “Kluck ha gamog!!  Kluck ha gamog!!!”

• Metallica has written 25 songs for a new album. Commenting on the style of the new songs, drummer Lars Ulrich said “In my day we didn’t have these fancy recordin’ contraptions that they have now-a-days. We use to record using wax and a needle stolen from our mother’s wretching machine.”

• And finally, Mariah Carey is suing a porn star over the use of a similar name. Porn star Mary Carey responded to the suit saying “Oh yeah”¦ You like that? Oh. Give it to me. Harder. Faster.  Yeah, that’s it.  You’re a dirty boy.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Executives at Nintendo are cautioning gamers about swinging their new, Wii wireless controllers as reports of extensive damage to personal property are popping up on the web.  When asked for comment, one executive stated, “We GROSSLY underestimated the over-developed wrists and forearms on these sexually repressed kids.  Seriously, they should think about stepping away from the game, getting out of the house and meeting ‘actual’ girls. Seriously.”

• In international news, David Beckham and Victoria Beckham have created quite a stir in England over their apparent split with prancing super couple Elton John and David Furnish.  I’m sure that we here at QSE News speak for all of America when we say, “who the hell is David and Victoria Beckham?”

• The nominations for this years Grammy’s have been announced, and leading the pack with eight nominations is R&B artist Mary J. Blige.  While most of the nominations were expected, the nomination of Clay Aiken for Best Female Performance was a complete surprise.

• Stephen King and Peter Straub’s outstanding collaboration The Talisman is in the production pipeline for a TNT mini-series. The original book, released in 1984, is about a boy who can travel between dimensions.  Staying true to form, executives at TNT have promised to make some “minor” changes to the story – like making the main character an 18-year-old, blonde, big-breasted woman and changing the “travel between dimensions” plotline to “traveling to Oakland for cheerleader tryouts.”

• And finally today, comedian Eddie Murphy is denying reports that he is the father of “Scary Spice” Melanie Brown’s unborn child.  Representatives for Murphy confirmed that the pair had dated in the past, but are no longer an item since Murphy found out that Brown is not a transvestite.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Only days after liquor stocks crashed at the news of Lindsay Lohan’s planned “sobriety,” the hard-partying actress went into a boozed-up tirade at an exclusive dinner for GQ magazine.  “Thank the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] lord,” said an un-named Smirnoff executive, “I thought we were going to have to lay some people off.”

• Following in the footsteps of fellow “comedian” Michael Richards, Andy Dick is the latest “celebrity” to slip and utter a racial slur in front of an audience.  Dick jumped onstage at a Los Angeles Improv and joked about the Richards incident, saying to the crowd “you’re all a bunch of N****.” This incident marks the pinnacle of Dick’s quest to prove to the world that he is the least funny person in America.

• Don Cheadle is set to star in and direct a film centering around the life of famous trumpeter Miles Davis.  To prepare for the role, Cheadle has been shadowing other famous “horn blowers” Wynton Marsalis and Clay Aiken.

• Robert Smith of The Cure has writer’s block, preventing him and the rest of his band from completing their next album. Smith told reporters that he is having a hard time trying to come up with new ways to depress himself.

• It appears that Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn have, apparently, “broken up” for good.  When asked for comment, Anniston’s publicist said, “Yeah, well, Jen wanted to be free to pursue another publicity-fueling, faux-relationship with a hot, Hollywood actor to bolster the expected weak ticket sales for her next movie, Friends-less, which hits theaters next spring.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Just a few months after coming out to the world, ‘N Sync singer Lance Bass and his boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl have broken up. Sources close to the couple report that the reason behind the split is that Lehmkuhl was simply “sick of taking it up the Bass.”

• The rock group Staind is taking a break from each other with no plans on reconvening. Staind lead singer Aaron Lewis said that the group will use the hiatus to learn a different style of music since no one buys (or likes) nu-metal anymore.

• NBC has picked up a full season of the show 30 Rock, despite the fact that it has only seen a luke-warm response from viewers. To help bump up the ratings, the characters played by Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan will have an illicit affair while Alec Baldwin’s character hunts them down in a 24 hour time frame.

• Following the recent adventures of other celebrities and alcohol, actor Rip Torn was arrested outside of New York City for DUI.  Torn is best known for his roles in such films as Men In Black and Dodgeball, and for constantly being confused with effeminate, confetti throwing comedian Rip Taylor.

• In some sad Hollywood news, Max, the beloved pet pig of George Clooney, has passed away at the ripe old age of 19.  Sources close to Clooney reported that the actor is “devastated” and was in tears as he dug the roasting pit for his Hawaiian Luau-themed memorial this weekend.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Famously abrasive Brit-Rocker Noel Gallagher, of Oasis, recently performed some of his band’s greatest hits in a fan’s living room. All in attendance left confused, some even doubting it was the real Noel performing, as he wasn’t piss-drunk, made no sarcastic comments directed at audience members and didn’t start a single fight with his equally sympathetic brother Liam.

• Sir Paul McCartney has admitted that he has been seeing a psychiatrist ever since his split with actress/model/gold digger, Heather Mills.  Sources close to Macca have revealed that the majority of the sessions are dealing with McCartney’s “separation anxiety” over the potential loss of half his fortune and his depression over the “drastic life changes” he’ll be faced with once he is a billionaire, as opposed to a multi-billionaire.

• Ironically, one of the “stars” of Fox’s hit show, Prison Break, may be headed to the “big house””¦ for real.  Police are investigating Lane Garrison’s involvement in a car-crash over the weekend that left a 17-year-old boy dead and two 15-year-old girls injured.  If convicted of any “wrong-doing” in this case, Garrison will be able to prove, to himself at least, if his portrayal on the show is “authentic” and if the old prison adage, “Sleep on your back, not on yo’ belly or you might wake up with a butt full of jelly,” is actually true.

• Former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots and current lead singer of Velvet Revolver, Scott Weiland, is set to release his second solo album at the end of next year. The new disc will feature a number of “collaborations,” including a 12 minute, “loosely coherent” song penned by Weiland and his long-time collaborator and frequent companion, heroin.

• In comic book news, film director John Woo is joining forces with comic writer Garth Ennis and several others to create Virgin Comics.  The new imprint will publish comics from Woo and Ennis as well as a new book from former Eurythmics front man Dave Stewart.  When asked about how they settled on the name for the new publishing house, Woo claimed that it is in no way a reference to the fact that comic book readers are, in fact, all virgins.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Festival organizers have announced the official lineup for 2007’s Sundance Film Festival. Festival goers will be able to enjoy such films as Untitled Dakota Fanning Project and Four Sheets to the Wind, as well as the new picture from Harry Bawls, Anal Queens 26: In Through the Out Door.

• Author Iain Hollingshead has won this years prestigious “Bad Sex in Fiction” award. Hollingshead said he was planning on celebrating the award by going home and taking his wife to “a pleasure land known only to those that have experienced the wonders of putting a giant, throbbing rod inside a warm, cozy, moist cavern.”

• The Eagles of Death Metal have officially responded, live, on camera, about what happened on their ill fated Guns “˜N Roses tour. We here at QSE don’t believe this for a second. If there is one completely sane person on this planet, it’s Axl Rose. We stand with you Axl.

• Loveable small-person Danny DeVito showed up on The View drunk last week. When asked to comment on the appearance, co-host Rosie O’Donnell said she would still eat him.

• And finally today, Lindsay Lohan is said to have been attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. Lohan reportedly begun attending the AA meeting because she figured it would be a good way for her to get alcohol, anonymously.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Bird’s of a feather flock together and so do… Hollywood racists.  Mel Gibson is throwing his support behind Michael Richards, the beleaguered “comedian” whose racially charged tirade at a comedy club recently all but ended his “career.”  When asked why he was supporting Richards, Gibson responded “Well, you know… since I found out he’s not really Jewish, I figured he was probably a pretty OK guy.”

• In a case of life imitating art, the girl who plays Mary in the new the Nativity movie is pregnant. The 16-year-old actress, Keisha Castle-Hughes, is “pretty sure” she’s not carrying the son of God and that this is not a case of “immaculate conception”… unless, of course, “immaculate conception” means a night of rough, drunken sex in the back of a Camaro with her “boyfriend” Lloyd.  However, the actress has publicly stated that she IS planning on delivering the child in a barn somewhere in Iraq.

• In television news, CBS has announced plans for a new reality show called Armed and Famous, where minor celebrities go through police training.  Featuring such F-List actors as Eric Estrada, LaToya Jackson and Jack Osborn as “the drug-sniffing” dog, the “celebrities” will eventually go on actual patrols and wield “real” guns.  CBS has already announced plans for a follow up series called How Ponch Got Capped In The Head During a Botched Drug Raid.

• Hoping to lure and trick young people into the cut-throat world of Canadian politics, former Canadian Prime Ministers are appearing as judges in a new reality TV show called The Next Great Prime Minister.  And, of course, I’m sure I’m echoing most of Americas sentiments when I say, “Canadians have television??”

• And finally, on a sad note, popular children’s group The Wiggles are losing their lead singer, the “Yellow Wiggle,” to an undisclosed illness.  According to the remaining members of the band, the short list for a replacement includes only one name:  Justin Hawkins, ex-lead singer of the band The Darkness.  When the Wiggles were asked “Why Hawkins?,” “Blue Wiggle” responded, “Are you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] kidding me?  Justin has a $2000 a week coke habit!  Hell, he’ll fit right in.  Oh yeah, and the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] kids are going to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] love him!!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by M. Bell)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Not wanting to be out-done by his peers, Snoop Dogg was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of possessing a hand-gun and drugs. Police said they became suspicious when they realized the person they were following was Snoop Dogg. This brings Snoop Dogg’s total number of times arrested to 1,122, just 24 times shy of Charlie Sheen.

• TV anchorman Matt Lauer and his wife Annette welcomed their third child into the world on Wednesday. While the baby, named Thijs, was pronounced healthy upon birth, Matt Lauer’s reaction was said to be surprisingly glib. When asked for comment, the Today show anchor said, “Well. . .at least THIS time it’s white.”

• And in other news, it appears that not everyone in Kazakhstan hates Borat. A leading Kazakh author, Sapabek Asip-uly, has nominated the comedian behind the character, Sacha Baron Cohen, for a national award.  When asked for comment, Borat said:  “That’s niiiice!  I like sexy time with Sapabek for he give koo-koo good hand relief!  High five!”

• Executives at Marvel comics are demanding that famed X-Men illustrator, Dave Cockrum, be buried upside down in an un-marked grave after it was discovered that he passed away while wearing Superman pajamas and clutching a Batman blanket.

• Finally, in today’s obligatory Paris Hilton news – apparently the party is over for newly reconciled friends Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.  Lohan, who in the past has been referred to by Hilton as “Firecrotch,” was seen leaving a fancy-schmancy L.A. nightclub in tears after Hilton reportedly called Lohan a “[expletive] coked-out whore….”  Witnesses were quick to come to Lohan’s defense, saying that the “actress” may be a coked-out whore but Lohan is certainly not [expletive]… or at least not on the night in question.

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a surprising turn of events, the once-peaceful nation of Sweden has declared war on heterosexuality by announcing their plans to open the first ever ABBA museum. When questioned as to “why,” an un-named official responded that “Drag-queens need a ‘Mecca,’ too, and Liza Minnelli isn’t from here.”

• Things were looking up for nu-metal schlocksters, Linkin Park, late Tuesday after the band mistakenly thought they had re-established contact with their last remaining a fan. As it turns out, the “woman,” from Albuquerque, NM, was merely hacking into singer Chester Bennington’s phone for the purpose of leaving text messages regarding how much the “band sucked.” Bennington could not be reached for comment. Apparently, his shift at Wendy’s just ended and he’s off until Thursday.

• Owners of The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles are reportedly demanding that Michael Richards pay $1 million for every racial slur that he recently used during a tirade at the club. Advisors are suggesting that Richards off set this amount by suing Nabisco for their liberal use of the word “cracker.”

• Saturday Night Live alumni and current 30 Rock star Tracey Morgan was arrested on drunk driving charges in Manhattan. When asked to comment Morgan reportedly responded by simply stating, “Take me drunk officer, I’m home.”

• Eat your heart out, Sharon Stone! After kicking K-Fed to the curb, Britney Spears has decided to let the “cat out of the bag”… so to speak. Showing up to a trendy LA hot-spot with new “girl friend” Paris Hilton in tow, Britney surprised the waiting paparazzi with a full-frontal shot of her “money maker.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a shocking turn of events, the honeymoon is already over for Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock as the two filed divorce petitions Monday. Sources close to the couple say that the divorce is a result of Pamela learning that Rock, who’s real name is Robert Ritchie, was not, in fact, Lionel’s son and that her and Nicole would never be sisters.

• Paramount has announced plans to make not one, not two, but three Smurf movies. A top executive at Paramount said that fans will finally find out who smurf’d Smurfette in the smurf with the smurf while smurfing a pound of smurf.

• Officials in the southern Chinese province of Shunde broke ground today on a theme park based on the life and career of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee. According to one of these officials, Chinese Children in Lee’s “ancestral home town” will now have an opportunity to “pay lots of cold, hard yen” for a chance to get kicked in the face by Chuck Norris and ride Kareem Abdul-Jabber.

• It looks like the Eagles of Death Metal got aced”¦ or should I say Axl’d, from their recent tour with Guns N Roses. Apparently Axl thinks only one of the bands can suck during a tour.

• And finally tonight, we just hate to report this”¦ but one of America’s, nay, the World’s most talented actors, Jean Claude Van Damme, will not be appearing in the next Rush Hour movie. I, like his other 23 fans, am sorely disappointed.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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