Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a shocking turn of events, the honeymoon is already over for Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock as the two filed divorce petitions Monday. Sources close to the couple say that the divorce is a result of Pamela learning that Rock, who’s real name is Robert Ritchie, was not, in fact, Lionel’s son and that her and Nicole would never be sisters.

• Paramount has announced plans to make not one, not two, but three Smurf movies. A top executive at Paramount said that fans will finally find out who smurf’d Smurfette in the smurf with the smurf while smurfing a pound of smurf.

• Officials in the southern Chinese province of Shunde broke ground today on a theme park based on the life and career of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee. According to one of these officials, Chinese Children in Lee’s “ancestral home town” will now have an opportunity to “pay lots of cold, hard yen” for a chance to get kicked in the face by Chuck Norris and ride Kareem Abdul-Jabber.

• It looks like the Eagles of Death Metal got aced… or should I say Axl’d, from their recent tour with Guns N Roses. Apparently Axl thinks only one of the bands can suck during a tour.

• And finally tonight, we just hate to report this… but one of America’s, nay, the World’s most talented actors, Jean Claude Van Damme, will not be appearing in the next Rush Hour movie. I, like his other 23 fans, am sorely disappointed.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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