SALT LAKE CITY – Screw Sundance!!!!
After being told that Moving Midway was a sure pick for the upcoming festival, we got Michiganed! The rejection notice arrived on Monday. And the tears flowed from my eyes. It was sad that Godfrey Cheshire wouldn’t be able to complete his transformation from film reviewer to filmmaker by holding up the Grand Prize from Robert Redford. This was his movie. He fought his hardest to keep this pure to his vision no matter what others told him. And now he has been told by Sundance – we don’t need to show that in our festival.
What is getting shown instead of the Cheshire family home moving movie? A documentary about a guy who died when he let a horse cornhole him. Yep. We lost out to a Kentucky Derby tribute to Oz.
This was going to be my year. I already had 2007 circled as the year I become the new Kevin Federline. I had already bought a pair of snow boots. But now it’s all off. Redford won’t return my calls. No elk hunting. No skiing. No back massages from Thora Birch. No calling him, Bob. I was going to be an indie superstar and now all January holds for me watching a guy get an award for the evils of horse sex. Who did this to me? There’s only one person I can blame: Godfrey Cheshire.
It was his movie. He told us that all the time. What happened to this man’s genius? Here’s a guy who has reviewed thousands of movies. How if given a chance to finally tell his cinematic story did he crap out to a horse screwing a man to death? Maybe he could enter it in a festival that has a “no animals banging humans” policy.
I look like the idiot praising Godfrey and his film. I’m sorry, global readers. I promise that next time I produce a film, it’s with someone who can deliver the goods. If I knew what the competition was like, I would have done a reshoot by rubbing Crisco on my butt and hooking up with the horse that played Sea Biscuit. Sure it would have looked out of place, but you’d remember it. Cause I’m driven for success!
BLOWIN’ UP WITH BOURDAIN
Have I not pointed out that the best “reality show” episode of the year was Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations when the chef found himself stuck in Beirut during the period the Israelis bombed the town. It was the Graham Greene experience as Bourdain and is crew sat by a hotel pool watching the missiles explode on buildings below.
When I first encountered Bourdain on the Food Channel. I watched three minutes, took a dislike to the guy and turned off the show. He struck me as an egotistical prick. But when I saw a promo for his Beirut adventure, I wanted to see what happens when a food show turns into a combat photography crew.
Bourdain’s journey which started out with joyful nightlife and ended with him being evacuated on a beach was amazing. The only thing it lacked to be a true Graham Greene experience is a failed torrid romance. After watching the show, I grabbed the library card and picked up Kitchen Confidential and A Cook’s Tour. Both books were devoured like courses at the French Laundry. He doesn’t brag that he’s the greatest chef in America. He’s quick to mention current chefs that he holds in esteem.
After reading the books, I felt relieved that I had never entered the food service industry. The baseball legend Stan Musuel once said that the secret to making a million dollars in the restaurant business is to start with two million dollars. Bourdain confirmed that it’s a nasty business. Also working the kitchen was a great way to have you hands lose that Palmolive smoothness.
On my list of things to do: Drink booze with Bourdain and jabber about Simpsons episodes. I’d wear an onion in my belt and bring twelve pounds of nutmeg as a gift.
SLAP ‘EM HARDER
Does My Super Sweet 16 collect the most conceited bunch of teenage girls in the history of television? How can a girl pick out an SUV because it matches her sunglasses. Or think their dad can book Green Day for their birthday party. The best was the girl who wanted Eminem. The guy hasn’t toured in a few years and he’s going to make a comeback for your bitchfest? Maybe you can get D-12 for $75K. Do these gals understand the value of a dollar? Of course not. Although in a few years, they’ll be keeping track of twenties as they find themselves being videotaped by Brent Owens at the Point.
I want to have MTV rework this show so that on the morning of their birthday, these girls and their best friends all get jetted out to Iraq so they can “party” in Baghdad. Give ’em a bag of goodies, a map and best wishes for them to make it to the Green Zone.
BAG ‘EM, SANTA
If you only get one freakish holiday film this year, let it be Santa’s Slay. Basically it tells the story of how Santa went bad and slaughters everyone. Wrestling great Goldberg plays homicidal St. Nick. The opening scene alone is worth the rental as he butchers a family dinner including Chris Kattan and James Caan. It’s a short film so it mixes well with egg nogg.
GREEN NO MORE
It’s disgusting to see Rolling Rock beer ads that link the formerly fine green glass to St. Louis. Even more pathetic is knowing that instead of being brewed in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, the folks at Budweiser are making it in Newark, New Jersey. Is that a hint of jet fuel run off that I’m now tasting? Or is it merely the subtle decomposition of a former Tony Soprano business associate?
Rolling Rock, you no longer are a welcome guest in my fridge. Thanks for killing the joy, Budweiser dorks.
KRAMER RANT
The war on Festivus is on. Seems that a lot of people are angry that Festivus has passed Kwanza as America’s favorite 20th century winter holiday. So now they’ve blown out Michael Richards’ meltdown as to a reason to boycott anything Seinfeld related. As we all know, this is a major blow since Seinfeld was second only to Scarface in influencing rappers.
What’s worse is that now I’m unsure if it’s OK to invite minorities to my annual Festivus party. Is it now as wrong as inviting them to a cross burning with the BYO Marshmallows notice? Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were on my invite list.
Let us keep Festivus as Festivus. We need to remember that it’s about Kramer and not Michael Richards. Although it is important to note that Michael Richards should be the guest of honor at every Festivus celebration. During the Airing of Grievances, it’s pretty easy to state how he disappointed us this season.
Is John Gibson going to help me protect Festivus?
WHAT’S ON TV NOW?
With The Wire, Dexter and Nip/Tuck all coming to the end of their short seasons, what will I be watching in January? Probably have to get drunk and watch American Idol with Mrs. Corey. Hopefully this season some kid will perform “Pac-Man Fever.”
SATURDAY MORNING FUN BLITZ
If you’re looking for gifts for folks who grew up in the 70s, you should dip into vintage Saturday morning shows that are now out on DVD. Groovie Goolies: Saturday Mourning Collection has all the episodes of this monsters meets Laugh-In series. Nothing too scary for the kids with Drac, Frankie and Wolfie telling goofy jokes and rockin’ out. Return to the Planet of the Apes collects all 13 episodes of this spin off of monkeys ruling the world. The show is much better than the live action TV series. Star Trek: The Animated Series finally lets me see this painted show that features the voice of Shatner and Nimoy. Why does this series get hidden in the closet and spited by Klingon speaking goofs? It’s perhaps one of the best written Saturday morning shows. Well it’s better than Goober and the Ghost Chasers.
As far as finishing up series, the fifth (and final) DVD of Speed Racer is out. I feel bad for kids hooked on Bob the Builder since they don’t know what making the Mach 5 is all about. Also the second half of Ultraman reminds us of that time when men in rubber monster suits ruled our universe.
Plus there’s Ark II a twisted live action show about a group of scientists roaming the post-apocalypse earth in a giant van to help out people. The scientists look like they escaped a porn set. Plus they have a talking monkey. Get it now.
With such wonders on DVD, you might actually wake up on Saturday morning to enjoy them properly with a bowl of Frankenberry.
COME ON DOWN!
Is Nigel Barker on America’s Next Top Model the secret love child of Bob Barker? He seems to have the Price Is Right legend’s smile and last name.
Have I already declared that Todd Newton (formerly of E! fame) is going to replace Bob when Barker retires? Newton’s been scoring well hosting the live Vegas version of the show. He won’t look like a complete rookie when Bob passes over the thin microphone.
AMY SEDARIS: I LIKE YOU
If you have to buy a woman a gift this year, get her Amy Sedaris’ I Like You. It’s her outrageous take on those Martha Stewart Entertaining books. There are actual useful tips within the jaw dropping suggestions. Plus there’s a great pic of Amy covered in sprinkles.
Amy Sedaris is on my list of three people I can have a torrid weekend in Las Vegas without the threat of a divorce. Originally Mrs. Corey thought it was a joke since she’d only seen her as the former crack whore that’s returned to high school on Strangers With Candy. She thought Amy was just killing space between Uma Thurman and Bea Arthur until Lisa Simpson turns 18. But after seeing Amy made up to look like a human cupcake, I’ve been placed on a diet.
BOWLED UNDER
Who is naming the bowls this year? Nothing says a great game like the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Who isn’t pumped for the Papajohns.com Bowl? Does the loser have to ride to the airport after delivering a dozen pies in the area? And what is a New Mexico Bowl? Or a Texas Bowl? Since the International Bowl is played in Toronto, does that mean they’ll have a 110 yards to run? Which is more macho: The Brut Sun Bowl or Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl?
I’m reminded of the old Sports Monster joke about the Juggs Bowl. Now that would be a college halftime show worthy of our attention.
COWBOY UP
After talking about Randy Jones, the Cowboy from the Village People, I was forwarded his website: http://www.randyjonesworld.com. Seems that Randy has been extra busy over the past few years with low budget films and live performances. Way to go, Cowboy.
TIME TO BE WASTED
It’s oral surgery time and I’m hoping to get hooked up with the Vicodin. Last time I was on ’em, I kept getting calls from Amanda Peet wanting to know why my ass wasn’t on the set of Studio 60. Wait a minute, I’m not Matthew Perry. The bad part was the pills ran out just when my great country music song was rattling around in my head.
Famously abrasive Brit-Rocker Noel Gallagher, of Oasis, recently performed some of his band’s greatest hits 
Thirty years ago, Howard Shore was a recently transplanted Canadian brought to New York City – 30 Rockefeller Center, to be exact – to be the bandleader for a soon-to-premiere, upstart late night comedy show called Saturday Night Live. Within five years, he done over a hundred live broadcasts, helped Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi put together the original Blues Brothers Band, and much more.
SHORE: Well, I think it was just a way for your work to come out as to what you had created for the film. And the complete recordings really have their own art to them, and they can be listened to in a way that’s never really been experienced, I think, in the films. I think that they have a way… that you can listen in a way you’ve never heard before. And I think that was really part of the reason for bringing them out – and part of it was to allow the complete work to come out so that the relationships and how the piece was created could be understood. Because I don’t know if it was quite well understood in its shorter form. The original CDs that came out were only, at the very most, a third of the entire piece. So nobody had ever really heard the entire piece except in the film. But in the film, you’re also playing against dialogue and other effects, and not always the best place to listen to music.
[CONTENT WARNING] This podcast contains foul language and a complete and utter lack of references to 18th Century Russian literature.
Who’s tired of WWII shooters yet? Obviously not Activision. They have good reason not to be, however, as their CALL OF DUTY series is the most popular and best selling series in the genre. So, it’s no surprise that once again they visit familiar ground with CALL OF DUTY 3, out now for PS2, PS3, Xbox, Xbox 360 (reviewed) and the Nintendo Wii. What is surprising is that PC developer Infinity Ward has stepped aside and allowed Treyarch to take the reins. What we’re left with is a mix of the best elements of the series past, with a few new tricks added to the mix, but an overall feeling of sameness.
Firstly, THE SOPRANOS, out for PS2, takes place between the HBO series 5th and 6th seasons and puts the player in the shoes of Joey LaRocca, son of the late rat, Sal “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero. Joey’s you’re typical mook out for a buck by snatching purses, but Tony Soprano puts a stop to that in his neighborhood but quick, and decides to take the kid on in more “legitimate” business exploits.
What at first looked like a cheap GTA knock off (which, in all accounts, is a rip off of the movie SCARFACE, especially VICE CITY) is actually more of a shooter in an open world environment. There are cars and weapons, buildings to enter and enact with, but the main story is very structured, and there’s more combat than anything else. Tony has a decent lock-on system, which you can finely tune to concentrate on specific body parts to shoot. The more serious wound you inflict, the more “Balls” you have. You can even taunt foes as they die, giving you more “Balls” for your meter. Max this meter out, and you’re filled with Tony’s “Blind Rage”, which enters the player into first person mode with all foes automatically targeted, and lets you blow them all away, increasing your health. It’s a good way to save your ass in deep fire fights, and you’ll actually end up using it pretty often.
After a great deal of success with the X-MEN LEGENDS series, developer Raven Software turned it’s sights towards the entire Marvel Universe with a daunting idea: what if ALL the villains teamed up? Players take on the familiar four hero teams and beat down all that oppose them in the typical dungeon crawler fashion made popular in those X-MEN past games. Here, however, there’s more emphasis on team play, as well as team dynamics. Include heroes from already existing teams (such as the Fantastic Four or the New Avengers) and you’ll be given bonuses in health or other stat attributes.
Sadly, the same can’t fully be said for DC’s JUSTICE LEAGUE HEROES. While it too apes the dungeon crawling button mashing style of X-MEN LEGENDS, it’s pedigree is closer to the D&D side of things, as developer Snowblind Studios has it’s heritage with the BALDUR’S GATE series. In JLH, you can choose only TWO heroes to battle through the stages with, and in some cases, the choices aren’t even yours, the game makes them for you.
For the little purple dragon that could, his new game is all about how his story began. As a reboot for the series, Sierra has released THE LEGEND OF SPYRO: A NEW BEGINNING on PS2, Gamecube, Xbox, GBA and DS. Here, Spyro’s story is completely redone. After being rescued by Ingnitius, an elder dragon, he is left to wash away in the river, in the hopes of finding a safe place after Cinder lays waste to the dragon homeland. And he does, being raised by a family of fireflies, with his best bud and “brother” Sparx. One day, his dragon powers start to kick in, and so does his life’s destiny: of being the chosen purple dragon of legend to save the dragon’s once again.
As with DEATH JR II on the PSP, the production value is also high. The cut scenes, while not featuring as recognizable a voice cast, still tell the story quite well, and are some of the best looking scenes I’ve seen for a handheld game. While on a trip in the woods to hunt down a cocoon for a science project, DJ and Pandora accidentally unleash a hellish wood nymph on the land, which ends up capturing DJ’s father”¦Death. It’s up the kids to save pops”¦and everybody else on the planet, naturally.
On the DRAGON BALL Z side of things, however, the same format as before works just as well, and BUDOKAI TENKAICHI 2 (on PS2 and Wii) is the largest game yet in the series. Featuring over 100 fighters from the TV show’s three different series (Dragon Ball, Z and GT) and a storyline that spans the entire 160+ episode run of the Z series, this is definitely a lot of bang for your buck. There’s over 60 hours of gameplay in the main story!
For GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY STORIES, the fault lies with the series itself. After 9 games of gangsters doing gangster shit, it’s starting to become stale. Still, this story has some legs to begin with. Vince Vance (brother of Lance Vance from the original VICE CITY) has been dishonorably discharged from the military after being caught with his superior officers’ contraband. Back on the streets of Vice City (two years before Tommy Vercetti’s tale) Vince is trying to stay on the straight and narrow”¦but it doesn’t quite work out that way for the big lug. After dealing with a drunken gunrunner and bootlegger, Lance hooks up with his brother and the local drug cartels, and Lance isn’t quite the cool cat yet we’ve come to know. Backstory shapes the characters we’ve been familiar with and every plays out in that familiar GTA style.
While it’s console version takes place after the film and incorporates a similar GTA style, the PSP version actually takes place DURING the film, but it’s execution is a bizarre one. After viewing some lengthy movie scenes directly from the feature, you’re dropped inexplicably into a TURN BASED STRATEGY GAME. Yes. I’ll repeat that. SCARFACE on PSP is a TURN BASED STRATEGY GAME.
Sometimes when I spend weeks working on a certain topic for this column, there are moments of serendipity.
Secondly, I was in Tucson over the weekend. Now, some of you know that I don’t care that much for organized sports, Chicago Cubs excluded as that’s something that exists in my DNA for being 1) born in Illinois and 2) having a predilection for consistently being last in everything.
I took a picture of it and briefly pondered what this really meant to have such a cultural touchstone like the AB fraternity house just disrespected. It should be more than just a place where male students start their journey of pillaging and conniving with their other guy friends, thinly disguising their homosexuality by participating in acts like paddle spanking and elephant walking. I don’t know if I was just being sensitive, overly sensitive, because REVENGE OF THE NERDS was that first comedy which spoke to me on a level that went beyond naked chicks and Dudley Dawson. Shouldn’t there be more awareness of places that should at least be paid some sort of attention and care if for no other reason than to preserve a moment that has meant a lot to so many?
There couldn’t have been a better reason out there for the complete annihilation for this franchise than these two TV movies. What started out as a comedy that really gave us male Gen Xers a movie that we will all be proud of having seen with our dumb little buddies on any given Friday or Saturday night sleepover (Do kids still do these things or have they somehow been outlawed in this age of uncertainty?) and exposed most of us to our first true taste of…exposure of the female variety? I know I can be counted in that vote.
Director: Simon Brand
Director: Various
Director: Joe Carnahan
I’ve waited years for Fox to begin releasing St. Elsewhere (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP) on DVD, and the first season is finally here. In addition to all 22 episodes of the groundbreaking dramedy’s inaugural season, the 4-disc set features an audio commentary on the episode “Cora and Arnie” and a clutch of retrospective featurettes. My only beef? I wish Fox would stop releasing their TV shows on the damned double-sided discs that every other studio has abandoned.
No one will say that this was the Man of Steel’s finest hour, – and after an hour, things tend to get a bit repetitive – but there’s an undeniable camp charm and enthusiasm in the fully restored Superman: The Theatrical Serials Collection (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP), which features the original 15-part 1948 Superman, as well as 1950’s 15-part Atom Man Vs. Superman – both of which star Kirk Alyn as the last son of Krypton. Bonus materials include the retrospective featurette “Saturdays With Superman” (featuring historians and the original Lois Lane herself, Noel Neill), as well as an excerpt from the documentary Look, Up in the Sky! The Amazing Story of Superman (the full version of which is available via its own DVD).
Maligned as an inferior post-Walt offering, I’ve always loved Disney’s Robin Hood (Walt Disney, Rated G, DVD-$29.99 SRP), and am thrilled that it’s finally gotten a much-needed remastering for DVD, featuring a brand-new 5.1 mix (the better to hear narrator Roger Miller’s tunes). It also contains an alternate ending, and the black & white Mickey Mouse short Ye Olden Days.
I hold out hope that the actual film is as fun and funny as the tie in book Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (Titan Books, $14.95 SRP). From the history of the “D” to excerpts from the script for the film, this is your guide to Jack Black and Kyle Gass’s acoustic metal phenom.
To some, the “singer/songwriter” appellation is a stigma (after John Mayer, I can sympathize), but Cat Stevens was a standout even at a time when his peers included Paul Simon, Harry Nilsson, James Taylor, and Joni Mitchell (just to name a very limited few). Introspective, questioning, but mostly upbeat (a rare commodity in the s/s set), Stevens’ music is there to be rediscovered, especially as Yusuf Islam (the name he took after converting to Islam) has just released a brand new pop album years after abandoning the music industry that had thoroughly burnt him out. Listen to the tunes that made him a star with the excellent 4-disc Cat Stevens box set (A&M, $59.98 SRP). If you don’t have the funds to pick up his complete catalogue (which has recently been fully remastered, with particular recommendation going to the Tea for the Tillerman album), this set provides a nice overview of his career.
Kenny Vs. Spenny (VSC, Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP) is a truly guilty pleasure, in that it unfortunately reveals – in stark reality – the sad, pathetic competitive nature that makes idiots of even the brightest men. In this series, best friends Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice engage in the most inane of head-to-head competitions – from who can stay naked the longest to who can drink more beer. It’s madness, but so very accurate. The 2-disc set features all 15 second season episodes, plus audio commentary on a pair of episodes, deleted scenes, a season two promo, and a season three preview.
Ever since its premature cancellation and the release of first season set a few years back, fans have been wondering wen the second (and final) season of Joan of Arcadia (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$49.99 SRP) would gets its release. Well, the wait is over, and the 6-disc set contains all 22 remaining episodes, plus audio commentaries on 4 episodes, a making-of, table read footage, a season 2 overview, and a tour of Joan’s high school.
With digital downloads and piracy nipping at their heels, record companies are really beginning to go all out in making CD releases a real event, particularly with catalogue releases. Not only do the first two Pretenders albums – Pretenders & Pretenders II (Rhino, $24.98 SRP each) – get fully remastered, but they both feature a second disc loaded with demos, rarities, b-sides, and more… and by loaded, I mean the discs are packed to the gills.
Kudos to David Boreanaz for finding another vehicle that has achieved the mainstream success that sadly eluded Angel during its entire 5-season run. In Bones (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP), Boreanaz is FBI agent Seeley Booth, who’s partnered with forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan (Emily Deschanel) to solve crimes that are the oddest of the odd. Think of it as a cross between CSI and The X-Files, with all of the charm and chemistry of the latter and the procedural of the former. The 4-disc set features all 22 first season episodes, plus audio commentary on the pilot, character profiles, interviews with the cast, a look at the real inspiration for “Bones,” and a guide to forensic terminology.
Thundercats: Season Two Volume Two (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$64.98 SRP) brings the original adventures of Lion-O and the Thundercats to a close, as they finally vanquish Mumm-Ra and establish New Thundera. However, just when all seems won, Mumm-Ra returns for the expected final battle, with the fate of New Thundera and the Thundercats themselves in the balance. I admit… I cried a little to see it end.
I’ve heard some incredible things about the film (and the play that spawned it), and if the movie itself is halfway as enjoyable as the soundtrack disc, I think the praise for The History Boys (Rhino, $18.98 SRP) is well-earned. Featuring tracks from Echo & The Bunnymen, The Clash, Rufus Wainwright, the Pretenders, and The Smiths, it’s like an alt-punk parade.
Setting aside the soap opera his life has become, listening to the career-spanning 3-disc set David Crosby: Voyage (Rhino, $49.98 SRP) – from his time with The Byrds and Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young to his recent solo and group work with CPR – is to marvel and just what an incredible voice Crosby had, whether in group harmony or just his pipes alone. The set includes rarities and demos in addition to the remastered tracks themselves.
I’m still not entirely sure why Van Wilder (Lionsgate, Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP) has achieved such cult status by being Animal House-lite, but there you go – it is, and it’s now got a 2-disc unrated special edition, which just amounts to more boobies.
I’m still trying to figure out who exactly thought Ant Bully (Warner Bros., Rated PG, DVD-$28.98 SRP) was a good idea. While the premise is interesting – a kid who tortures ants is shrunk down via a magic ant serum and learns empathy for the tiny natural world – the design and execution of the film is just atrocious. Besides ripping of the ant designs from Dreamworks’ Antz, it’s just a lackluster affair that proves the CG fad has become a glut. Bonus materials include a behind-the-scenes featurette, 7 animated shorts, and additional scenes.
