FRED Entertainment

Director: Hirokazu Koreeda
Cast: Yûya Yagira, Ayu Kitaura, Hiei Kimura, Momoko Shimizu, Hanae Kan
Release: February 4, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: Four children are forced to rely on one another after they are abandoned by their mother.

Prognosis: Positive. This trailer can be compared to that moment in FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF when the dad is coming home at the end of the day and that one old bag that’s driving in front of him keeps getting in his way. The Voiceover Guy in this trailer is that old lady.

He’s like an annoying gnat that won’t go away or shut the hell up. I actually had a conversation about this very same situation with the guy who makes these mini-movies, and he defended the man’s place in the scheme of it all, but, as a tool, it can be effective or it can be like a monkey who’s just been given a sauce pan and a wooden spoon; overkill.

It’s equally annoying that this trailer suffers a bit from a piss poor job of organization and placement of its most important facts: 1. The kid who stars in this film won best actor at Cannes last year; obviously, that’s an important fact, right? 2. This film is based on a true story. This story is so crazy when it begins that you can’t believe the mind that thought it up and you’re well on your way to finishing this damn trailer before you find out, “Oh, so it’s not just a very unbelievable premise, it actually happened?” It’s one thing to miss some things here or there but omissions like this are just glaringly ignorant.

This trailer just has me all riled up.

Everything else about the opening, though, is deliciously noteworthy. I am a big fan of a good xylophone medley and this one doesn’t disappoint. Also, dropping the fact that it did well in Cannes and Toronto, if nothing else, was a good saving move as well.

So, the opening is that Voiceover Guy gets into the fact that what we have here is a family run by a mother who seems be her kids’ friends than she is their parent. That’s fine, That’s good verbal exposition. And so far it’s all peaches and cream, thank you for letting me know that, Guy.

Now, here’s where it throws me a bit. Guy goes on to explain that one of her kids, her son, becomes an adult, “overnight.” Since this a foreign language film and you can’t possibly have anyone read anything in a trailer like this, God forbid you put up some subtitles in a trailer, you have to infer that something major has happened because there is a shot of an airplane and the oldest son has a fistful of cash. Then, as if to confuse me greatly, Guy lets us know that three of his other siblings are abandoned in Tokyo.

Huh? What happened to his mother? She get popped by the Yakuza, stuffed in a dumpster, smoke some bad Jamaican Red? Who the hell knows. Guy just plods on through the narrative as if nothing is really wrong with that admission, ignoring that steaming pile in the family room, trudging forth with the home tour.

So, these kids are all alone in Tokyo, literally living out of a suitcase, and Guy informs us that they survive by themselves in the street with their humor, love, determination, etc”¦ Now, had I not told you this was based on a true story there would be reality bells going off in your head saying what kind of messed up story is this? It’s like Annie but without the Tim Curry and dance numbers. By the time that the “based on” admission happens, Guy then drops the fact that the kid in this was voted best actor at Cannes which is something that should’ve been mentioned way before this point. He keeps droning on and on about how all the kids stick together and how awesome it is that they love each other and how cool it is that they aren’t incestuous”¦ I really just wanted Guy to shut up so I could watch why this kid was voted best actor in the first place.

The music is wonderful, the shots selected are really grabbing and you definitely get the sense that there is something there that sets this film apart from the others in the realm of foreign language offerings. The thing is, though, when you get to the part of the trailer when it seems that Guy is literally reading the whole review that the New York Times and the L.A. Times did on this movie you can’t help but to feel audibly invaded by that man’s voice.

This whole trailer is like charades but here you have someone yelling over your shoulder.

Director: Greg McLean
Cast: John Jarratt, Cassandra Magrath, Andy McPhee, Kestie Morassi, Guy Petersen
Release: January 2005 (Sundance)
Synopsis: Three backpackers go exploring the outback in an old clunker of a minivan. They are adventurous, carefree, and up for just about any adventure. But when their ride breaks down, help comes in the form of a gun-toting maniac, who hates backpackers with a vengeance.

Prognosis: Positive. You’ve gotta like a film that stars “Based on actual events.”

The screen is gritty and has a real sort of damaged film look to it. Not even five seconds into this trailer and I’m already an eager beaver.

We get a shot of a gorgeous beach at the foot of a real wooded mountain. It looks like a great day, the surf is slightly glassy, and there are nubile, young people scattered everywhere. Some chicks are looking at photos, are chatting with each other, as day turns to night. Shots are slammed and there isn’t one voiceover, line of dialogue or card to explain what’s going on but then the first card appears.

“30,000 Australians are reported missing every year.”

Huh? WTF, Aussies? That’s a real small island to misplace that many people on an annual basis.

We get a great looking view of an approaching car through a bullet hole in a road sign. These are young adults in their prime and they look good enough to be in one of those jeans commercials where everyone is way too happy but still nothing audible can be heard.

“Most are found within a month.”

Whew. I’m glad that you can eventually find each other. Again, it’s a small island.

These people stop at Wolf Creek Crater and it’s a rather expansive crater at that. They put on their rucksacks and start travailing on foot to the lip of the thing. The haunting score in the background is telling me everything I need to know about these fools’ fate. It’s daytime when all this happens but, as all things go, it does eventually get dark.

It then turns to night for these kids. They are holed up in their car (problems with the engine, imagine that) and a pair of headlights appears. They all get out, stupid movie move #1, and wait for this one guy to come walking towards them. There isn’t any lunging, no knifes unsheathed, and there isn’t so much as a scream from anyone but it is suspenseful. What’s odd, as well, is that the next shot is at daybreak as one of the girls runs down an empty highway. Is she running from someone? Something?

A fishtailing car appears from the background, appearing to go right at her. She has blood on her face, and there is a guy who holds up a rifle with a scope that I am sure, if it is to be believed, is aimed right at her melon.

It almost has a THE HILLS HAVE EYES sort of feel to it and I like that.

We eventually see more of our stranded young adults, also properly bloodied, with one of them being one hot looking lady, almost like Keira Knightley, who I hope doesn’t get popped by this hillbilly looking guy. It looks like campy fun plus you get to listen to good looking ladies talking Australian if nothing else.

Director: Saul Dibb
Cast: Leon Black, Louise Delamere, Luke Fraser, Claire Perkins
Release: April 25, 2005 (UK Only)
Synopsis: Ricky (Walters), age 20, is just out of prison and determined to straighten up. But back home his old pal Wisdom (Black) is still in the community’s violent subculture, sparking an escalating feud with another thug (Lawson) over a broken wing mirror. Meanwhile, Ricky is trying to revive his relationship with his girlfriend (Samuels), convince his mother (Perkins) that he’s putting violence behind him, and help his 12-year-old brother Curtis (Fraser) stay straight. But it’s all much easier said than done.

Prognosis: Positive. “There are thousands of guns on the streets”¦this is the story of one”

You’ve gotta like a trailer that begins with a police home invasion. There’s chaos, multiple P.O.V’s and by the end you know something is going down.

The people on the screen are talking really funny accents (those crazy EU’ers), but the premise is an interesting one. Our protagonist, a wee lad, gets out of jail for committing some crime and is picked up by his mother. He returns home, jaded by his experience, and you can already see that this is a film about a young guy who has a lot of anger to work through. It’s kind of like an old school Kurtis Blow anthem come to cinematic life. He’s hardboiled but there are slivers of hope in his words.

The melodic music chosen stands in stark contrast to our guy’s troubling life out of the poke. His younger brother reminds him that it’s difficult to get a job when one has a criminal record. There’s friction to be found everywhere and the cards in-between the scenes selected drop quotes from major publications about how groovy this film is with critics. This is good because it not only sets this movie up to be one where one man struggles with his past, a not too original concept, but the critics’ words help to elevate it.

There is also contrast going on with images of kids with guns, gang violence and the really quiet moments that this guy has with a woman who doesn’t care about his past and looks forward to her future with him. He mentions some things about being dragged back into his former lifestyle and it’s believable. I find myself being drawn in by how quick I can feel sympathy for a dude I’ve known all of a minute.

The clips after this one show a guy who is trying to rage against the people around him who he knows are no good but still trying to be the man he used to be. Again, more images of violence against people, again with the same kid holding a Dirty Harry pistol, and we are left, wonderfully, to wonder what will happen to not only this guy but to those around him.

The film doesn’t look flashy or sexy or appear to have great production values beyond just good directing but it does look like a movie that could engross an individual for a good couple hours and have some pointed things to say.

Director: Christopher Long
Cast: Colton Ford, Blake Harper
Release:February 18, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Former Colt model and porn star Colton Ford left the skin flick business at 40 to return to a musical career along with his partner Blake Harper. This is is their story.

Prognosis: Positive. This film is gay.

This film has a lot of gay people in it, just so you know.

That being said, I just couldn’t stop watching this trailer. Sometimes I come across a trailer that doesn’t automatically make me want to skip to something else; it makes me want to stay a while. It’s like television, really: I have the attention span of a coked up whore looking for a pack of Skittles in an Atkins-friendly health food store. If it’s not entertaining me then it’s off to something else but I was just riveted with every moment that slowly sped by with NAKED FAME.

One of the more ironic, although I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t, things that start this trailer out is the production company name that comes up before the clips: Hardsell Productions. Yes, it is, actually. This will probably never see a wide distribution on the scale of a SIDEWAYS but hopefully I can explain why it deserves a decent outing in a few, um, selected cities.

“I don’t know what it is that’s in my son’s heart about being a superstar”¦”

Anytime you get someone’s mom to lead off a documentary you’re just going for that emotional buy-in and it’s what hooked me, initially. This man we’re going to be seeing a lot of, Colton Ford, smiles in a black and white photo. The picture itself is old and is no doubt in direct inverse proportion to the modern incarnation of this woman’s son. Also, and I think this is telling, throughout the trailer we get snippets from publications extolling the reasons why you need to see this film but the quotes provided don’t have anything near a cache of a New York Times or L.A. Weekly. That’s fine, though, as this really is a genre specific film but the mention from Billboard is a nice name drop.

We then hear from our man, Colton, off-camera, about his thoughts on working for corporate America. He echoes the same sentiments that I think any of us who are cube dwellers share with him. We are treated to nice shots of New York streets as he talks and we get the feeling that here’s a man who had to either take his lumps to get what he wanted working 9 to 5 or he was going to go after his dream of being a performer. It is interesting to note, as well, the card that briefly shows how many gay and lesbian film festivals it has been in; it’s a selling point and because it was included early it actually does help this film when other films that stick these points at the end usually make me wonder what their marketing department was thinking.

We then get the gayness in all its glory.

A nice club beat starts pumping, our man Colton is doing his groove thang inside of clubs, singing, we get him working out, and then we finally have him sitting, talking about what it’s like being 39 and trying to get somewhere with a musical career. I immediately feel for the guy, as there are shots of him in the studio, more of him performing, because there is a need in this guy’s voice that is far more sublime than that of your average American Idol flunky.

Then, things take a more serious tone as there are overt hints that our man is so headstrong about becoming famous that he may have stepped over to one of the avenues few people are willing to go in order to be famous, or infamous: porn. It’s only hinted at but seeing Bruce Vilanch talking about it, notwithstanding that I can’t even begin to describe my feelings on that caricature of a man and the way he talks, hint at it as well makes me think this is where the downward spiral happens.

Sho “˜nuff, it is.

Crystal meth is discussed as with the porn thing again and here is where the tail spinning starts. He seems to be holding onto something but we’re treated to a much different person than who we were shown at the beginning.

The music changes, it’s a nice melodic choice, and we are to understand that somehow everything is going to go well for the man. It’s hard to stay what makes me want to see how his story goes from beginning to end but I do and anything that pulls me into someone else’s life and to hear about their own set of problems gets my vote.

Director: Kirk Jones
Cast: Emma Thompson, Colin Firth, Angela Lansbury, Kelly Macdonald
Release: August 2, 2005 (UK)
Synopsis:Emma Thompson stars as a governess who uses magic to reign in the behavior of seven ne’er-do-well children in her charge. The kids will love this.

Prognosis: Positive. Colin Firth is a talent. The guy can definitely act and his published writing is also a delight as well; the man’s humor is wicked and his prose style makes you wish more people could be as genuinely versatile.

Emma Thompson is someone who first took prominence in my own cinematic world when she starred in MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, she was such a pip, but she is one of the most versatile British actresses out there today and I have no problem handling out that superlative.

This teaser, no doubt to get interest stirred, is all about getting people acquainted with these two people but it doesn’t tell me anything about what exactly the premise of the film is supposed to be. This isn’t to say that some people across the pond, meaning you over there in London or Shaftsbury or Liverpool or wherever the hell the rest of you limeys dwell (yeah, that’s a joke), won’t say this film is based on one of the best children’s authors of all time, but that’s ok. I like the teaser regardless.

The information I need in order to know what’s going on in this trailer, though, is all secondhand but I understand everything.

“When children are wicked”¦”

The sounds of children’s giggles mesh with the sounds of thunder. We get a shot of a very lonely looking home from the outside. It’s foreboding and dreary.

“Devious”¦and quite frankly unacceptable”¦”

Our next shot is one from inside the Victorian manse. It feels like a really Seussian envisioning of a home that would hold seven children but it does give us a chance to see Firth and Kelly Macdonald looking awfully afraid of the perfectly profiled silhouette of a woman standing on their porch, ringing the bell in an ominous way.

Colin looks cautious as he slowly walks to the door, thunder clapping, music all tense and scary, opening it with a loud creak. It is here that the most hideous looking woman I’ve ever seen come out of make-up pops up to my eyes. Okay, so it’s not that bad but Emma is a nice looking woman and they’ve really made her look dumpy, frumpy and real awful. It’s splendid.

Because Emma had a hand in actually writing the script I think there’s a little bit more hope on my part that this will be a more intelligent envisioning of a children’s classic than its American counterparts, which seems to me more predicated on marketing than it is on story. I could be wrong about this, but I hope not. Kids need a genuinely well-made book made into a fine film in much the same way I think comic book nerds like to see their own fictional heroes treated with the same amount of care and respect.

Director:Chris Wedge, Carlos Saldanha
Cast:Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, Greg Kinnear, Mel Brooks, Drew Carey, Jim Broadbent, Amanda Bynes, Jennifer Coolidge, Robin Williams
Release: March 11, 2005
Synopsis: Even in a world populated entirely by mechanical beings Rodney Copperbottom (McGregor) is considered a genius inventor. Rodney dreams of two things, making the world a better place and meeting his idol, the master inventor Bigweld (Brooks). On his journey he encounters Cappy (Halle Berry), a beautiful executive `bot with whom Rodney is instantly smitten, the nefarious corporate tyrant Ratchet (Kinnear) who locks horns with Rodney, and a group of misfit `bots known as the Rusties, led by Fender (Williams) and Piper Pinwheeler (Bynes).

Prognosis: Positive. This one is a rather curious trailer.

There is a lot going on that is wonderful to look at in the background with its intricate widgets and cogs and spokes and industrial machinery that seems to be clicking or whirring but in the foreground my attention turns to annoyance as I get the animated voice of Robin Williams. It wouldn’t be so bad if this was his first time but Williams sounds just like every other character he’s ever done that requires him to be slightly “nutty.” Call this one ALADDIN, part however many times you think he’s done this shtick before.

But, there are great things going on here.

The trailer on the whole, though, makes me think that kids are really going to enjoy the spectacle of it all and, judging by the box office that SHARK TALE did, kids could care less about whether something looks like it was manufactured in an animation studio where neon is considered a primary color or where story is just an inconsequential part of the movie. The animation and yarn here, though, seems rather good.

We first get a look at our protagonist, voiced by Ewan McGregor, as someone who tries to be inventive. In much the same way that the dad in GREMLINS liked to invent wacky gadgets that didn’t seem to work right, this kid seems to get punted from the house after a few don’t do so well. I’m not sure the folks at Fox are actually going to show the kid actually tossed on his ass or whether he’s going to leave on his own but I think the former would be a better move as it’ll teach kids early on in life that you just can’t mooch off your parents forever; let this movie serve as a warning tale to those little Lunchable swilling, fruit punch chugging, scheming little ankle biters.

The kid gets out of the house and leaves for the big city. Like I’ve said before, the backgrounds are busy with animation. It really is fun to watch. Ewan tries to make his way through the city, a task that somehow gets him hooked up with Robin Williams, and that’s where there are hints that Robin is channeling the stock comedic character that is just inherent in any of these “crazy” people he plays. How many times can one person do the same character without someone decrying “Bullshiat!”? Limitless I guess is the number I would say since no one else cares. I do have to say, though, it is something that the kids will like and eat up like mud pies and boogers without even questioning it; they just enjoy that voice and, if it were up to them, Robin’s crazy character would be in every single movie out there. The kids will even howl at the “back of my hand” joke that will no doubt play to their sense of irony.

As we progress further we see that Robin needs to upgrade his body or be fed to the chop shop as his current state of physical being has him dropping parts every which way off his body. The chop shop, I should mention, looks about as foreboding as anything I could think of for a villainous counterbalance to the happy characters we’ve seen so far. Amanda Bynes makes an appearance as someone who is fighting a wave of upgrade fever as it seems that old robots are being sent to be smelted and, without a new body, one loses the ability to live any longer. So really as we get further into this movie there really is a villainous side to it, which I like, but there’s also some genuine sense of urgency with regard to the story being told. Robots are being killed off at a quick clip if the trailer is to be believed and any story that can hint that mass murder is happening on a grandiose scale the better off those little tykes will be when we have to explain what happens in the real world like Bosnia, Chechnya, Rwanda, and behind the dumpster at 7-11.

What I appreciate, though, about this trailer compared to the old one that ran is that this trailer doesn’t accentuate the whole film’s running time with Robin Williams. This is really an ensemble piece, I mean just look at the names associated with this film, but there really seems to be a balance of Williams’ kookiness with the actual story of this film which seems to be about one group of proletariats’ fight against big, fat, corporate interests. The kids will like it because it just looks cool and it’ll do millions at the box office. If the film is able to work in a fart joke or two you can probably be assured of at least 10 million more dollars can be added to the bottom line. Kids are easy creatures to figure out.

Director: John Schultz
Cast: Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union, Regina Hall, Eric Stoltz, John Leguizamo, Jon Polito
Release: July 15, 2005
Synopsis: Working class New York bus driver Ralph Kramden (Cedric the Entertainer) is always coming up with get-rich-quick schemes for him and his best friend, Ed Norton (Epps), who’s always around to help him get in (and out of) trouble.

Prognosis: Positive. This movie is perfectly pitched for its demographic.

Young people are into Cedric the Entertainer (and I henceforth am not going to use the last part of his “name” from this point forward) but, obviously, there are going to be more than a few people who have no idea who or what The Honeymooners were all about when this movie drops.

Cedric, quite honestly, makes a great Ralph Kramden. He is inept in his own way and the trailer is good at showing how this translates into a warped sense of his own abilities as a person and I seriously believe his portrayal as bus driver; in this day and age, and especially when I lived in downtown Chicago, I’ve seen guys like this. As the trailer opens and he’s jamming out as if he’s in his own car and forgetting the fact that he’s behind the wheel of a city bus is visually amusing. Then, we get to hear him talk. To listen to him rant about the man who invented the thong you get the idea rather quickly that the man’s mind runs on a one way track and this is just who he’s going to be. This kind of writing could smell dangerously pungent for the average moviegoer but the trailer movies quickly from scene to scene and I appreciate its speed with which it does it. Comedies have to be based on something amusing and dimwittedness is not an entirely lame premise.

We next get a look at his equally inept, if not to a greater degree, buddy Norton. There is something about Mike Epps that I find more amusing in his style of comedy than I do in Cedric. I am not sure if it is in Mike’s cadence or his physicality as he moves but to hear him talk about how he’s a sanitation engineer, comparing his position to a specialist like a brain surgeon or even “Spider-Man,” is funny because he seems so serious about it.

Now, Gabrielle Union, his wife, seems like an unlikely choice. I am not sure where in the screenwriter’s playbook it stipulates that if you’re chunky or husky that you’re automatically entitled to a hot looking chick as a girlfriend/wife, but it is the movies so what the hell do I know. I am sure, however, that the mother-in-law character seems to be the one in the right as she makes her distain for Cedric more than abundantly clear. I believe that more than I do that Gabrielle would end up with a dude like Ralph. Again, it is the movies after all.

So, Norton and Ralph are trying to get rich quick. A majority of the trailer is spent showing how these guys plot and scheme to get to financial freedom and a couple of the bits that are shown how they do it (trying to race the family pet at the dog track, calling up an old date and asking her to pay part of her bill back, just to name a couple) are funny enough that I can see how some would actually see this as a greater indication for how good the rest of the film is going to be. This seems to be a comedy of small set pieces.

To assume that the film is going to be homogenously funny based on a couple of laughs might be a wrong assumption to make, a movie based on a single motivation of the principal characters like this one hardly ever makes for a pleasurable 90 minutes of comedy, but I do have to commend the makers of this trailer for making a breezy enough advertisement for a film based on an old television show.

Also, and I have to make mention of this, in the last moment of this trailer as Ralph and Norton hang precariously on the side of a building, holding onto life by their fingers, Norton makes a confession to Ralph that really sets the tone for the camaraderie these two guys have. Too often you get trailer makers trying to be witty or glib as they end a trailer but the punch line here is actually enough that it’s slightly ribald and has a certain edge to it.

I wasn’t expecting much, believe me, going into this trailer but after I dote upon its strengths versus its weaknesses I actually feel good in asserting it had more of the former than it did the latter.

Director: Lawrence Guterman
Cast: Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, Bob Hoskins, Traylor Howard
Release: February 18, 2005
Synopsis: A decade after the legendary Mask of Loki wreaked havoc on the life of an unsuspecting adult, the magical mask finds its way into the possession of a child in the family comedy Son of the Mask. When cartoonist Tim Avery’s (Jamie Kennedy) new son is born with the Mask’s spectacular powers – to the dismay of the family’s jealous dog – it turns the household upside down and launches a kid versus canine battle for control of the Mask. But unbeknownst to them all, Loki has come looking for his mask and is willing to do whatever it takes to get it back.

Prognosis: Negative. Ok, people, informal poll: Who here enjoyed THE MASK? No, not the one with Sam Elliot and Cher about the kid with the peanut head but that other one that exposed, but really not enough wink wink nudge nudge, the talent of Cameron Diaz and that of Jim Carrey? Yeah, me too. It was one of those you just remember and dote on every now and then, especially if you were one of those a-holes who went around endlessly sound-biting every catchphrase from the film.

That’s why it makes me wince with every moment that this trailer goes on and on. I’ve really only seen a handful of really bad trailers since my start here in the Park and this, I think, qualifies as the very worst one.

So, since that’s been said, I’m not going to trounce every little thing and misstep this trailer takes. I will a little, but it’s better if we can’t learn why no one will want to see this hunk of cinematic crap.

The trailer opens up with that little aqua treasure chest from the first film. That’s actually good to start off with because it visually reminds people of the original.

Next, the little dog from the first film somehow gets a hold of the mask as it beaches itself in a small creek. Again, visual recognition seems to the key order of the day.

We now see the little pooch running back to a house that seems like it was done over by Dr. Seuss and LeRoy Neiman. It’s not until later that night when the dog sticks his head in the mask, turning him into the Tex Avery version of the little guy we saw years ago. Ok, it’s cute, kids will like that. So far, really, this isn’t too terrible.

Then, we get Alan Cumming, dressed to the 9’s as Loki but looking like an extra from the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE production in the 80’s (I think he’s playing Transvestitor) and I start to worry.

Next shot is of a mother and baby inside the baby’s room but that’s no baby. It’s a freak. A CGI freak and it looks like a freshman year Computer Design Basics 101 mid-term. Then, as if you didn’t know the baby wasn’t real and couldn’t inflate its own head like it does, the next shot is of a real baby and we are somehow supposed to”¦believe”¦they’re”¦the”¦same”¦kid. The fun doesn’t stop as Jamie Kennedy talks to the real baby, trying to get it to say daddy, but it looks at him and says “Mother” in what is perhaps the most masculine voice I’ve ever heard in animation or in life.

From there, friends, this rollercoaster is on its way down with nowhere to go after that.

The kid morphs, again, into weird CGI mode literally bouncing off walls and looking like one of those creepy kids from POLAR EXPRESS.

Alan Cumming gets back into his part as Loki, demanding the mask back, looking like something Janet Jackson was wearing last year at the Super Bowl, and it just doesn’t make any sense. Much like how in the next scene the dog is shown trying to get the baby for some nefarious reason; it’s all green faced because it’s wearing the mask but the baby is able to do weird things as well and I’m just confused.

Kennedy gets the mask at one point, as you could’ve already guessed, he apes and cribs from Carrey’s mannerisms in a way that’s not flattering but really more like flattening. This whole trailer, especially at the end with another look at the freak child, has a sheen of awfulness about it and it pains me to know that this will be released into the world, like a viral infection.

Director: Dave McKean
Cast: Stephanie Leonidas, Gina McKee, Rob Brydon, Jason Barry, Dora Bryan
Release:January 25, 2005 (Sundance)
Synopsis: MirrorMask centers on Helena, a 15 year old girl in a family of circus entertainers, who often wishes she could run off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother’s major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked inhabitants. All is not well in this new world – the white queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the MirrorMask, and it’s up to Helena to find it. But as her adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she’s in a dream, or something far more sinister.

Prognosis: Positive. I’m a Jim Henson fan.

Years of appreciation for the Muppet Show and Sesame Street will do that for a kid. Also, and this fact, THE MUPPET MOVIE was actually the first theatrical film I ever went to. I was a little enough scamp that I remember actually feeling panicked when the lights went out. Were they supposed to do that? I hadn’t a clue but it freaked me out. So, it’s as Gaiman’s MIRRORMASK opens that I’m feeling hopeful if nothing else that this may be something the kids may enjoy. Well, maybe, if you’re the kind of parent who lets their kids smoke a fat spliff after a rough day at kindergarten.

The opening scene is dark, foreboding, oozing trepidation and has some rather trippy imagery. Nonsensical would be the word I would choose. It looks like a Tim Burton amusement park and I’m not disappointed with that estimation either.

A big giant eyeball sits on a spider’s body as a woman, who is only heard and not seen, says she doesn’t know where she is. As far as I can gather it appears to be an Alice in Wonderland kind of situation. There are freakish animals and an equally freakish vibe running rampant all over this place. There is an odd catlike animal that has a humanoid face, the sets appear to have been used in SKY CAPTAIN (yes, I know everything was CGI in that movie which is the point), and the action that seems to be happening in this thing is fluid in ways that make you stare, wondering what acid was dropped to think this stuff up. It really is amazing.

The one gripe I have, a reservation really, as this trailer unfolds is the girl who finally appears on camera. She looks a little too out-of-place. The creatures around her appear to be more appropriate to the setting than she does. Her movements are a little wooden, her expressions slightly unbelievable. Though, to her credit, she does show flickers of wonderment in a few cut-scenes. What’s more is not only does the music fit precisely to the kinetic visual style, but there seems to be a mixed media approach to the presentation. Sets seem to be art projects, like a David Mack comic book, with splashes of precise detail and blatant absurdity all meshed together in one moving picture.

From animation to live action to CGI to print work there seems a lot to keep the eyes occupied. I’ve never been one to get into what Neal Gaiman was ever doing in comic books. Death seemed to be for fans of Tori Amos and for girls who wanted to dress up in white pancake with black lip liner and 1602 seemed like a series that was really supposed to be good but instead kind of felt like a forced reality where the Marvel universe was just transposed over this fake kind of time. I was not pleased.

Here, though, there is something I really want to see and I hope it can deliver on its tease.

Director: Mike Bigelow
Cast: Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin
Release: August 12, 2005
Synopsis: In Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Rob Schneider is seduced back to his unlikely pleasure-for-pay profession, when his former pimp T.J. Hicks (Eddie Griffin) is implicated in the murders of Europe’s Greatest Gigolos. Deuce must go back to work in order to clear his good friend’s name. Along the way, Deuce must compete against the powerful European Union of Prosti-dudes and court another bevy of abnormal female clients including the beautiful Eva, who suffers from acute obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Prognosis: Positive. It pains me to a great extent to admit I liked the first film.

It was one I really went in with bad feelings for and left thinking it wasn’t as painful as it should have been. Rob can definitely carry a film, no question, but there should be some serious things in place to minimize not only the cost of producing a film like his but projecting how much it needs to make in order for it to be considered a success. Obviously, what Rob is able to do is bring X number of people on average to see his films. The guy can bring in fans, and his brand of comedy is not exactly what I like, but I can see how many young males gravitate to it. It’s part slapstick part freak factor. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way he expresses his comedy.

The opening to this trailer is great. You have opera playing in the background to get you in the European mood, there is the shot of the old European buildings and alleyways, but when you see a woman standing inside a window display only wearing her bra and panties it’s a homerun to the sect of boys who know we are being shown Amsterdam.

We get more chicks to oogle at, definitely not a selling point for any feminista in the audience, but Rob then appears in one window in his boxers as he pulls up his pants, obviously contrasting to those things that one does want to see naked in Amsterdam. It’s not high comedy but it’ll do.

Eddie Griffin is back as Rob’s pimp of sorts and he is in high octane loudmouth assery as he explains, loudly, in a restaurant that Holland was the place where chicken and waffles were created and that black people all over the world will be forever grateful for that. Rob then mentions how the Dutch also started the slave trade. Eddie’s quick bon mot to this revelation, to me, is funny.

“New Clients”

Ok, it’s real hit or miss with some of the freaks he is going to get paired up with this time. There is the tall woman (wasn’t she in the first one), a cute one with wicked awful teeth, and one with a nose that seems straight out of Pinocchio. Also, there’s even a cat who grabs Eddie’s wang and doesn’t let go which, I guess, is still a funny gag to some.

Green Day’s “American Idiot,” last heard in the WEDDING CRASHERS trailer, plays through this thing and because that song has some connection to Rob’s ugly American personality, in more ways than just one, the music is oddly apropos.

I do have to say that one woman, in particular, takes the take for making me laugh the most. Rob offers wine to a woman he is entertaining for the evening. She takes a big slurp and, as she does, you immediately notice the woman has had a tracheotomy. Your brain then makes the connection that the spray of wine that douses Rob as he sits there is coming right from that poor woman’s throat and, to add a little somethin’ somethin’, Rob leaps up and tries to plug the leak. I cringed and laughed at the same time.

It takes a dip at the end of the gag when he says “check please,” a device not unlike the annoying record scratch to connote some kind of shift in behavior, but redeems itself quickly as trach girl belches and a line of wine shoots Rob in the face. Again, cringe and giggles.

Director: Matthew Parkhill
Cast: Gael García Bernal, Natalia Verbeke, James D’Arcy, Tom Hardy, Charlie Cox
Release: March 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Young lovers in London are wrapped up in a love triangle that may not be exactly what it seems.

Prognosis: Positive. Intriguing. That’s what I am still thinking about after I saw the trailer to this film.

We see that this was selected for the Sundance Film Festival but nothing says approval more to a skittish audience than that seal of approval. It’s wise to put it at the very beginning of the trailer because it really does have a cache that can speak more than any card could.

What we start out seeing is people, a couple really, goosing each other and making out. It all seems fairly vanilla to me until I see that the guy we see on the screen is about to get married to the woman he’s holding.

He’s nervous, as would any man who is about to let his woman take all the money he earns away from him and put him on an allowance, but he starts to think about other “what ifs” and “what could be’s.”

Dangerous territory.

So, the woman has her bachelorette party where she dons a short black wig and a very unsexy black moustache. I guess the whole vibe of the party is for all the chicks to be dudes which makes Gael’s entrance into the party as a looker-on that much more odd and slightly unnerving.

He holds a video camera, ostensibly to capture the last night of a free lady, but please. No person, straight, gay, man or woman, should ever have video evidence of a bachelor/bachelorette party. No person.

Anyhoo, Gael takes a shine to the cross dresser and he really goes at it when he is pushed into giving the single lady one last kiss before she is about to become a bride. What happens is that Gael, at the very least, is forever affected by that kiss and becomes obsessed by it. He even brings his friends around to watch the tape of him getting some luscious action from the lady as he tries to convince them of something that isn’t there.

It drives him crazy enough to confront the lady again and see if she was thinking about it as much as he was. She, for some reason, relents to give the guy some of her time and entertains his request for a date and this is where it is the beginning of her undoing.

The music is wonderfully placed inside the actions on the screen. It’s like sonic grease to the gears of this trailer.

What happens next is a whole lot of intermeshed images and nearly unintelligible dialogue but that’s ok because we get to see our lady in question, for a brief lingering moment, on her back in her bra. That is so shameful of me to point out, I realize that, as is the comment that I think that the chub the girl can evoke without having seen more than a minute of her is testament of why I need to see this film.

There seems to be more than just a chick stepping out with another man but there is a hint of jealous violence and rage that only ratchets up the desire factor in me to look at how things turn out.

Gael is a wonderful actor that needs to be seem more often and the last film I’ve seen him in, THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES, is just another reason that the star of Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN deserves to be working more in this business of white faces.

Director: Stephen Chow Sing-chi
Cast: Stephen Chow, Yuen Wah, Yuen Qiu, Leung Siu Lung, Huang Sheng Yi
Release: March 18, 2005
Synopsis: Set in Canton, China in the 1940s, the story revolves around a hapless wannabe gangster who aspires to become a member of the notorious “Axe Gang.” Other characters include an obnoxious landlady and her apparently frail husband who exhibit extraordinary powers in defending their turf.

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know why I thought of Yul Brenner in WESTWORLD when I saw the opening of this trailer but I did.

Some Asian guy wears a black cowboy hat atop his melon and you see right over his shoulder into the thoroughfare of what really looks like a western set left over from Bonanza.

Windows close up all along the red dirt street as a pack of Agent Smith’s walk slowly toward our caravan of western throwbacks. One of them smiles into the camera and we’re aware that the makers of this movie are really dedicated to reflecting the seriousness of dental maintenance when it’s neglected for so long.

“In a town ruled by gangs.”

Things get slightly odd when these Smith’s start a soft shoe in the middle of nowhere. We’re then thrust into a Broadway envisioning of Asia circa the time of neon excess. We get Tommy guns, dancing, and then some guy playing drunk with a shotgun. It’s very surreal.

We then get the other side of this West Side Story and it’s the slums. There are Little Orphan Annies frolicking about as we build to the point that the sharply dressed bourgeoisie Smith’s get ready to go toe-to-toe with these Oliver! urchins.

Next, we get the hero to this battle. The guy is spastic, a little crazy, but he’s entertaining as all hell to look at.

What Stephen Chow has done here, much in the same way as he did in SHAOLIN SOCCER, is that he’s created a nether world where physics don’t apply and neither does logic, apparently. People run at Roadrunner speeds, others can ascend to great heights from a standing position, and there is a whole lot of ass kicking.

I enjoyed the last part of this trailer with the amount of hand-to-hand combat on display as well as what look like intricate fight set pieces. The illogical is the logic that’s employed here and its great to watch.

What’s even more amazing is that the release for this film actually coincides fairly well to Asia’s release of the film. Miramax enjoyed the pleasures of sitting on Chow’s last film and it is golf clap worthy that Sony Pictures Classics have enough decency to give the film a prompt release, regardless of how limited the screening will be.

Director: Thomas Vinterberg
Cast: Jamie Bell, Bill Pullman, Michael Angarano, Danso Gordon, Novella Nelson
Release: January 22, 2005 (Sundance)
Synopsis: A young boy in a nameless, timeless American town establishes a gang of youthful misfits united in their love of guns and their code of honor.

Prognosis: Borderline.. “Dear Wendy, now it’s time to say goodbye.”

I suggest you watch this trailer when either drunk or in the mood for something a little odd.

The voiceover used in the beginning of this trailer is a kid. It could be a young guy in his early twenties but it’s far more effective than a throaty older male doing it.

We enter the lives of a town that seems awfully small and immediately we start in with the hippie music. It’s all springtime and flowers in the audio field as images of big guns being fired off fill the screen. The contrast is sharp.

The kid from BILLY ELLIOT (a hands-down wonderful film worth checking out if you are comfortable with your sexuality) is in this and he’s shown talking about creating a movement that is based on pacifism but with guns. Odd, but worthy of considering.

A shooting range of sorts is created in what looks like an abandoned warehouse. He starts to recruit people to this cause of his and he even finds a nice looking girl to go along with it as well. She fires a round from the gun and seems startled but she then is seduced by how she and the gun come together as one. It looks as though she is about to get freaky with Billy but he looks confused in a way that has me wonder what is going on in that kid’s head.

Other people join this club and he proclaims that his gun and his ideology will help people become who they are. What happens next, though, seems to be the turning point in the film.

His social club begins to dissolve quite acrimoniously quite fast. There seems to be unrest in the small town with the Sheriff of Podunk, USA, played by Bill Pullman, laying down some sort of law in order to squash things from getting too far out of hand.

Too late.

Now, this is the rough part. Pullman puts out an ultimatum but these kids don’t seem ready to relinquish their weaponry easily. The hot chick from a couple of scenes earlier seems to be getting off on the violent nature of things as well.

Very quick and sharp camera techniques build up the frenetic pace of this trailer which seems to devolve into violence. Assault rifles, pistols and even a shotgun unleash themselves and I am left to wonder, as we all do, what will go down with these kids and the powers that be.

Is this an elaborate metaphor, allegory, cautionary tale, all three or is there something else happening here? I’m not sure but kudos to this trailer for just putting it out there. This is a movie about a kid who gets taken in by the power of a gun and, what happens next, is just a result of that moment. Pure and simple.

Director: Tim Story
Cast: Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington
Release:July 1, 2005
Synopsis: A group of astronauts gain superpowers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Victor Von Doom.

Prognosis: Negative. There’s this part in G.I. JOE: THE MOVIE where Nemesis Enforcer (who was just one badass mutha’), from a prone position mind you, gets wicked with a H.A.V.O.C. From the front of the vehicle Nemesis just sticks up his pastel hands and renders it scrap metal. Any action movie where good or bad guys can stop speeding anythings with any great panache are always fans of mine and are just simply wicked hardcore as they speak to the 13 year-old in me every time. When Michael Chiklis does it as The Thing, and seems to be a borrowed moment from HELLBOY, I am reminded how this is about the only good thing I can say about this trailer.

I don’t ever want to be one to judge a movie based on what pictures show or what people are saying or whatever a studio plant wants me to believe but after watching this trailer I am moving in a direction that tells me that this film is headed in a bad one.

From the beginning it looks like this trailer was done in PowerPoint by someone who liked to play with font sizes.

It’s It’s also also lazy lazy to to try try and be creative with repeating yourself in the first few cards that tell me on July 4th this movie is coming to theaters. I have no idea what this has to do with the actual film or why it needs to repeat but I push that aside and press on with the trailer. Although, I do take umbrage with the fact that the official site says that this film is coming out on July 1st and yet your trailer really really wants to convince me it’s coming on the 4th. Someone needs to make up their mind.

We are now to assume that the 4 in question get their powers after something happens in space. Now, I don’t want to sound like Jim Carrey after putting poison into that guy’s burger in DUMB AND DUMBER, pointing my finger and laughing like an idiot, but it really is chintzy and laudable to see this set piece. I’ve seen better pseudo space stations in the THUNDERBIRDS movie. It looks like it was on loan from an Ed Wood exhibit. And, yeah, when one of the cards says these people were changed “4 ever” I begin to get this nervous feeling in my stomach that I am about to relive the infamous bootleg that really is up there in quality to that Captain America envisioning so many years ago that the powers that be rightfully passed on releasing.

So, these people get their powers.

“1 will be bad”

What? “1 will be bad”? Can the cute puns please stop? I mean, Dr. Doom’s appearance is awesome. I liked it. Electrocution is mighty cool but there is a good case made by Bryan Singer though his actions that mimicking the comic book’s actual appearance might not be a good idea and that’s really the disappointment here.

This bummed out feeling is reinforced by those frosty grey sides done to Mr. Fantastic and I can’t imagine anyone keeping her hair looking as good as Jessica Alba does through all those fight sequences. Yup, we get The Thing stopping a Mack truck with his body, the vehicle crumpling all around him, and that’s pretty comic book-y in a cool way but that’s seriously the only thing that stopped the laughter.

The other scenes used here leave me confused as to what this film is all about as a lot of it seems like it’s a whole lot of Johnny flying off in his tube of flames out of New York and again after a dirt bike race where he “flames on” right before he races. I dunno what that has to do with the plot but it’s there for us to digest.

“You know that looked cool”¦”

When Johnny Storm utters the above statement he couldn’t be more wrong. I’m one of the biggest proponents of comic book films and it gets to me whenever I hear someone saying something along the lines of “it was bound to happen” to this genre but that’s a weak statement made by weak people who are fatalists at heart with no sense of optimism. This just happens to look like a crappy ass flick that hopefully will serve as a lesson to would-be directors who are thinking about taking on a comic book property. It’s unfortunate but this one doesn’t look salvageable and that’s the biggest disappointment of them all.

Director: Tim Burton, Mike Johnson
Cast: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Emily Watson, Albert Finney, Richard E. Grant, Joanna Lumley, Christopher Lee.
Release: September 23, 2005
Synopsis: CORPSE BRIDE carries on in the dark, romantic tradition of Burton’s classic films EDWARD SCISSORHANDS and THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Set in a 19th century European village, this stop-motion, animated feature follows the story of Victor (Depp), a young man who is whisked away to the underworld and wed to a mysterious Corpse Bride (Bonham-Carter), while his real bride, Victoria (Watson), waits bereft in the land of the living. Though life in the Land of the Dead proves to be a lot more colorful than his strict Victorian upbringing, Victor learns that there is nothing in this world, or the next, that can keep him away from his one true love. It’s a tale of optimism, romance and a very lively afterlife, told in classic Tim Burton style.

Prognosis: Positive. This is like visual popcorn and I can’t help but to watch in awe every moment of it.

In a darkened room, very gothic in its feel and mood, two people are getting married. The scene should evoke normal imagery but Burton’s animation style, obviously reminiscent of A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, has people’s bodies elongated and even the holy man directing the ceremonies has a body that Pablo Picasso would love. Just think of Burton’s way of doing things to the human body in a SAT analogy sort of way: Rob Liefield’s anatomically incorrect and physically horrendous drawing is in direct inverse proportion to Burton’s emaciated appearance of the people who populate his medium.

The story, as it plays out, is that the man who seems to be the woman’s future husband (who looks an awful lot like Johnny Depp’s stop motion doppelganger and is obviously meant to) is having problems with facing matrimony. Out man flint has problems getting the words “getting married” out of his mouth in a way that hearkens to a bad sitcom but it’s good for an animated movie because it sets up a very simple premise that anyone, of most any age, can appreciate. The cutaway scenes of the bride and groom’s family are wonderfully done as they pop and crackle with life, warmth and humor.

What happens next is that it departs from a kiddie komedy and starts to stray into Burton territory as the groom takes off from the large castle where he is about to marry his bride and ends up in a forest where he stops, when I take a longer look at it, in a cemetery. The groom drops his ring in some snow, it falling underneath the surface, and, long story short, the ring resurrects a dead woman who thinks he’s come to marry her. Yeah, Burton’s style comes right through loud, clear and macabre.

“A grave misunderstanding.”

I’m not one for clever puns but I liked this one. It’s cheeky and it begins the folly of events that are sure to follow after what’s happened before this.

There’s not much plot revealed about what will come after Depp’s character gets back to the castle and either tries to avoid getting married, tries to ditch the new dead woman or what will happen when the family finds out all of the above.

Some people don’t have a positive predilection to Burton’s forays into animation but anyone who is a fan can attest to the amount of marketing, even now, that NIGHTMARE has been able to maintain is just staggering. Even SHREK can’t compete yet with that film’s longevity.

Director: Mike Binder
Cast: Joan Allen, Kevin Costner , Erika Christensen, Evan Rachel Wood, Keri Russell, Alicia Witt, Mike Binder
Release: March 11, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: When her husband unexpectedly disappears, a sharp-witted suburban wife and her daughters juggle their mom’s romantic dilemmas and family dynamics.

Prognosis: Sorta, Kinda Positive. Alright, as part of my community service obligations to the elder sect out there, here’s a look at a new romcom with Kevin Costner and Joan Allen.

Yes, you would be right to assume that I don’t have any real hard anticipation in seeing the movie and, further, you would be correct in quickly saying that this looks like a chick flick that;’s only compounded further by the amount of starlet wattage behind Allen as her daughters. That said, however, I would like to at least put this one out there as a movie that at least one of you out there will have to see because your boyfriend/girlfriend saw this trailer while watching Live with Regis and Kelly, while you were out busting your hump, which, in turn, makes you their date but I would like to be the first with a set of nads to say your options could be a lot worse.

It seems harmless enough of a movie. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of trailers lately and this one is ok with me because a) we don’t have an annoying voiceover that usually starts these kinds of trailers and b) we get a great dollop of the back-story behind Allen’s character right out of the gate which makes her kind of endearing. It’s amusing in a feminine sort of way, the husband just running off with his secretary, and leaving his family of three hot teenage girls to fend for themselves, so by the time Kevin shows up I know right where we’re headed. Again, that’s ok.

I’ve seen TIN CUP enough times where I am almost embarrassed to mention the number of moments I find myself watching a minute or two and then watching the rest and, I have to be honest, I am not a Kevin Costner fan. Yeah, yeah, DANCES WITH WOLVES, blah, blah, blah, but really. C’mon, he’s no Bruce Willis or Treat Williams by any stretch but when I see him running into Allen the first time I am content to see where things go.

And things seem to be going in the direction of TIN CUP. Guy likes girl, girl has some attraction to boy, boy has some deep fascination with a sport that makes him unable to communicate effectively with a member of the opposite sex, girl pushes the boy away just long enough to get fitted for a diaphragm and they end up doing it. But, that’s alright with me because there really seems to be more going on than just a mother with relationship problems. She has four girls who she can’t seem to communicate with either, one of which actually gets a job where Costner works, and there is a nice interplay between what Costner knows Allen needs and what Allen is trying to fight against.

Instead of two young dolls of Hollywood’s elite having a romantic comedy where we know what’s at stake for each of the protagonists we get a layered story of interpersonal relationships built around a near dysfunctional family and one near dysfunctional man. And hey, those daughters are hot if I haven’t already said it already.

The music near the end sucks, the cards introducing everyone are kind of flat but I can’t help feeling that the story rises above common convention because of the added element of the daughters. Yeah, they’ll resist him at first and they’ll all end up loving him at the end but I am more curious to see how they get there than I am with knowing the destination.

Director: Jeff Byrd
Cast: Anthony Anderson, Leila Arcieri, Jay Mohr , Charles Murphy, Glenn Bang, Jennifer Byrd
Release: April 22, 2005
Synopsis: Hoping to foil his own gold-digging wife’s plan, a loathsome businessman arranges his own kidnapping, only to realize that there are plenty of other people interested in his wealth as well.

Prognosis: Yikes. This one is helped, as best as it can be, by the almighty voiceover guy but it is awfully awkward when Turk from Scrubs asks our object of derision, Anthony Anderson, how he is doing today. He’s about to park the guy’s car as Anderson just says “Rich” and walks right by him.

Great. A movie about a rich guy who no one likes. What fun.

“Malcom King is a millionaire everyone wants a piece of.”

So”¦our star, A-list magnate of KANGAROO JACK and MY BABY’S DADDY, is wealthy. Really wealthy and it appears, by the opening moments of this trailer, that people all around him are conniving to get a slice of his pie.

Two people in this trailer are the only things that are keeping me from going to take a look at a trailer that’s all in Swahili: Charlie Murphy and Jay Mohr. Charlie is just flat out funny in ways I wish his brother was nowadays and Jay is just a good supporting guy who possess a good amount of comedic talent. These two conspire to kidnap Anthony for money but it appears they’re not really prepared for a life of crime. They’re inept in that funny movie kind of way.

The next scene involves some dudes getting yelled at to find out what happened to Anthony but what irks me is that the lady who’s doing the yelling at these two guys (who happen to be white) says she’s gonna be on them like, “white girls on NBA players.” Yeah, again with the white people jokes. What the hell, I mean I don’t see a big proliferation of jokes at the expense of black people here in the 21st century but I guess if you want to stoke some hostility, mission accomplished.

Turk comes back into the picture, enjoying the riches of Anthony’s money as he cavorts in a silky red robe but how it relates to some nameless chick getting her groove on in a discothèque I haven’t a clue.

I do like, though, the characters that seem to take shape in this picture. Since it is a comedy, and there needs to be some way to tell the difference between our kidnappers to make the situation amusing, just like in RUTHLESS PEOPLE (a not entirely horrible movie”¦) the people in this film all have quirky personalities. One of them is a completely brainless woman, another is an ex-con played by Murphy who shows his predilection for bathing with a side order of an uncomfortable Turk, and a loser who has nothing left to lose in Mohr. I will say one thing, though, in Anthony’s defense. When Mohr says that he is holding Anderson ransom for ten thousand dollars Anderson slaps the phone out of his hands to yell at him saying he’s kidnapped a rich man, not Bobby Brown. I laughed at that. I’m a big fan of Bobby Brown jokes.

Unfortunately, this film looks like it will die on the vine in a particularly limp way at the box office but there is always video.

Director: John Pasquin
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Regina King, Enrique Murciano, Diedrich Bader, Heather Burns, William Shatner
Release: March 24, 2005
Synopsis: After Cheryl Frasier and Stan Fields are kidnapped, Gracie goes undercover in Las Vegas to find them.

Prognosis: Negative. What the hell happened to Sandra Bullock’s career? Some would argue the question: Did she really have one to begin with? I will say that I was a big big fan of 28 DAYS and even SPEED and THE NET if there is nothing else on in the middle of the night, but I remember the first MISS CONGENIALITY with such a rueful attitude that I will try to lay out exactly why every man is doomed should their lady friend or boyfriend take them to see this.

Point #1: The trailer opens and we’re in New York. We’re off to a rousing start. But, first thing on my mind is where did Benjamin Bratt go? It’s like how Elizabeth Shue opened BACK TO THE FUTURE II as Marty’s girlfriend and you knew immediately that something was amiss. Shatner’s back, though.

Point #2: We get introduced to Bullock again as the pinnacle of all tomboys. She socks one of her FBI friends in the arm and we see her preparing a meal in a most male kind of way just so we’re assured she is completely asexual.

Point #3: Diedrich Bader is obnoxiously playing a gay man who wants to make over Bullock so she can be the new PR face for the FBI. It’s flamingly fake and I cringe when I see him in much the same way I did when Anthony Clark did the same thing in THE ROCK. Would it have been so hard to get a normal gay man? I guess it was”¦

Point #4: Regina King. I love this woman. I do have to admit that seeing her is a great thing and both she and Bullock seem to be competing for the Most Butch award. They don’t get along, don’t worry they’ll love each other by the credits, and the only friction that seems to matter in this movie is how these two ladies will get along.

Point #5: The movie is about, apparently, not just how she and Regina eventually become bestest friends but how Sandra can go undercover as an old lady to save her best friend from a kidnapper. I really don’t know if I can go on explaining this plot. Do you realize someone got paid more money than you probably make in a decade to write this?

Point #6: The two of them, grudgingly, make their way to Las Vegas. A lot of the trailer’s running time focuses on how these girls have to use teamwork in order to accomplish their goals. Seriously, someone got paid for this.

Point #7: I was going to give it up for the faux beat down Regina gives Regis Philbin but I take it back because the trailer literally ends with Bullock’s trademark double snort like it’s amusing to listen to.

I do understand I am not the target audience. I even know that my presence in the movie’s audience isn’t needed but if you think that this trailer will get me to go willingly and not put up a fight when my wife is screeching to see it you’ve got another thing coming, Buster Brown. Couldn’t you have focused more on the Vegas showgirls aspect, give me a little more Regina a little less Sandra? For the demographic it’s aimed for, in all honesty, it’s a fabulous trailer. For every other individual who doesn’t share the same chromosomal pair, however, it should put the fear of God in you.

Director: John Maybury
Cast: Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley
Release:March 4, 2005
Synopsis: A military veteran goes on a journey into the future, where he can foresee his death and is left with questions that could save his life and those he loves.

Prognosis: Negative.Adrian Brody, fresh off his shucking and jiving in Coca-Cola ads, stars in yet another installment in a little known genre as the “man with amnesia” mystery movie.

The trailer is good going, though, in giving us a clear understanding of what’s going on in this movie. Adrian is a thin and skinny John Rambo type who is aimlessly wandering America with his army issued duffel bag and dog tags.

In the next scene he sees someone stopped on the side of the road and goes to help them out.; he’s a mobile AAA, if you will. A young girl who was in the car when he arrived asks if she can have his “˜tags. He says sure without so much as batting an eyelash. They move on as he walks down the road a bit before being picked up by some random dude in a station wagon but this is where everything trips out, acid style. He somehow gets thrown into the loony bin and is framed for shooting someone he didn’t do and we’re told this all happens in 1992.

I think to myself that, wow, another one of these happy just to be alive kind of movies where our protagonist comes out of prison with a greater understanding of humanity. But then, something really cool happens. When he gets committed some kooky therapist there gets the idea to strap him in a straight jacket and slide him into a morgue holding container for hours on end. Hey, some dudes at Abu Ghraib like to stack prisoners in naked pyramids in real life so this brand of behavior conditioning is nothing shocking to me.

Flashes of random images start whipping by as his breath becomes labored and intensive. He cries out and I assume, judging by the frequency they take him and in and out, they continue doing this for a long long time.

He eventually gets out, looking none the worse for wear, his dental hygiene, oddly enough, being well cared for in the crap hole he was shown in, and meets up with Keira Knightley.

It should be no surprise that she is the girl who got his dog tags over a decade ago. Ta-da! He has no idea what year it is, he talks some gibberish about how he met her 15 years ago and then things get really choppy.

Essentially, we’re to believe that there was some odd behavior modification going on with the doctor that “helped” Adrian, somehow we’re to believe that Keira is the one woman who can help this man, he’s shown getting busy with Keira (Because I know if I was having problems knowing what year it was and who I was that I would need some sweet warm womanly love to get me thinkin’ straight, too, yo.), and then some A-chord musical interlude starts in to show how these two kids git “˜er done to get to the bottom of things.

Thoroughly unimpressed.

Director: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbato
Cast: Gerard Damiano, Erica Jong, Linda Lovelace, Norman Mailer, Harry Reems, Gore Vidal, John Waters.
Release: February 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: More than 30 years after Deep Throat’s provocative debut, this documentary examines the legacy that the most profitable film of all-time left on society.

Prognosis: Positive. First of all, the green screen that comes before the trailer begins proudly displays that this trailer is for a movie rated NC-17.

Yahtzee!

I feel like I’m 13 years-old again and I look over my shoulder to see if anyone can see my monitor as the clip unfolds.

Instead of an annoying voiceover by “the guy” we slide into the controversy this film caused by listening to the ramblings of Hick McPodunk about the decline of western civilization that was pushed forward by the release of this porn movie.

The basics are tossed out there in print form: it was a $25,000 movie that has grossed over $600 million.

I like the way that in lieu of the voiceover we get fact after fact. True, this film caused a ripple effect inside the Nixon administration, and it only heightens the social subtext to what this flick did.

What’s hilarious is that at one point in this montage of clips and pictures is some old Aunt Bea character that looks terribly close to my grandmother saying she doesn’t, “want someone telling me I can’t see a dirty picture.” While it induces a certain “ewww” reaction in me I like the contrast.

Also, we get pundit commentary from John Waters, Gore Vidal, and Hugh Hefner so it’s a real cavalcade of those who were right at the nexus point of what this movie did or can comment on in it as it related to the sociological implications of its debut. And here you thought it was all about butt shots and ti%&y shakes and pu%#$ pumps. For shame, you lotharios.

The commentary gets more interesting as we see the director and production manager and other vital people in this story being interviewed about their involvement in the movie and it’s interesting, just on the surface, to see where their lives have taken them. There is a tennis back and forth motion of showing pictures from the past with modern images of these people and I like that what is happening here is someone wants to tell a story. Walter Cronkite, in file film footage, says how a judge ruled the movie obscene and you just know the kind of PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLINT arguing that’s gonna be present throughout this picture.

I am very and utterly surprised that Brian Grazer is attached as the producer of this movie as just being affiliated with a tawdry subject, read here: Kevin Bacon in THE WOODSMAN, starts comments about the ridiculous implications that might have for a career. Obviously, for Grazer, nothing will hamper that Ryan Cabrerra love slave look so I commend him for at least thinking this was an interesting story to tell.

There is a certain cheesiness to it all, the production value of the trailer and the music that goes along with it, but I can’t help but be confused whether I really want to see this documentary for its depth or because I want to see the naughty bits. I’ll publicly state that it’s for the former and secretly for the hope of looking at some poon.

Director: Woody Allen
Cast: Will Ferrell, Radha Mitchell, Chloe Sevigny, Amanda Peet
Release: March 18th, 2005
Synopsis: Two alternating stories about Melinda’s (Mitchell) attempts to straighten out her life.

Prognosis: Negative. Yeah, ANNIE HALL is the best romantic comedy ever put to film. Woody Allen is pure genius. He is one of the most unappreciated director/writers of our generation. Everyone in Hollywood always says they’re honored when he picks up the phone to ask them to star in a new production of his. He has the best taste in women.

Stop it already. Seriously.

How long can this guy turn out average fare before people stop believing the hype? I’m not saying people are wrong to say things that are more than complimentary but just adjust your perception of the world and see that his hit-or-miss style, for a long time now, isn’t as genius as the press would have you believe. For every SWEET AND LOWDOWN there’s two ANYTHING ELSEs just waiting to be released. This film, MELINDA AND MELINDA looks like something in-between.

If I could go half-way myself on either positive or negative I wouldn’t be able to tell you which one I’d choose with any great accuracy. This movie almost feels like a more cerebral lost episode of Seinfeld.

“Let me tell you a story and you tell me”¦is it material for a comedy or a tragedy?”

I like the premise and the way this trailer begins. It already supposes where we’re going with the story and it sets my anticipation that what we’re going to be shown is two scenarios seen through two different emotional lenses.

The cards introducing Woody as the writer/director is simple, the music is nice and as the voiceover says that everything is going to take place during a dinner party I am content. The party’s host, who comments that he’s running out of “obsequious” banter and seeming just like the kind of city-yuppie a-hole intellectual poseur who needs to have his faux ivy-league ass kicked in a bar fight, is a little pretentious but the premise that someone unexpected comes to the party is good. Then, that’s when Wallace Shawn, a near and dear actor for his timeless role in A PRINCESS BRIDE, pipes in and let’s us know we have the makings of a great comedy. It’s odd, a little stilted but it does rise above some other kinds of openings I’ve seen.

So”¦same dinner party premise, same kind of people, same unexpected guest but this time instead of asking for some wine or champagne (who the hell serves champagne at a dinner party?) she admits to having ingested fistfuls of sleeping pills. Of course, the wackiness ensues with the hostess admonishing her guests from getting up from the table to help the damsel in distress because the food will get cold and before she can yak on the rug Will Ferrell tells her to go to the bathroom because that’s new carpet. The premise is continued when Melinda, the sleeping pill chick, is being introduced to a man who has a successful dentistry practice. Will Ferrell tells his wife Melinda has already been married to a doctor and a dentist is the same thing but”¦oral. I loved that Seinfeld episode.

The trailer kind of slides here for me as this chick Melinda is the centerpiece for the film and in-between all the talk of finding her a man and settling down, to say nothing of the fact that all we know about this chick is that she likes sleeping pills, Will ends up really liking her as well.

“Love can be a tragedy or a comedy.”

Now, as I see it, it seems that Chloe Sevigny takes a shine to Melinda’s man and they hit it off as well. Things also go awry when, at the end of the trailer, Will catches his wife in bed with another man. He seems pleased because his fantasy to have Melinda to himself seems to be coming true, and I know it is supposed to appear funny, but wasn’t this all a plotline in Rescue Me, another television show?

Yeah, I don’t think the audience who this movie is catering to would watch a show like Rescue Me, either. It’s too gauche and bourgeois for the kinds of educated people this film is aimed at. Still, that was a good episode. Here, though, the joke could work for those not in the know. It looks like a serviceable comedy, if I can be so bold as to say that, but it will live or die on how well the dialogue comes across because there isn’t anything worse than a movie that tries to be clever only to impale itself on its own petard of bad clichés.

Director: Darin Beckstead
Cast: Todd Wall, Aaron Fiore, Kahil Dotay, Bill Allison, Tony Larimer
Release: November 20, 2004 (New York), DVD release soon
Synopsis: Inspired by the making of Spielberg’s 1974 shark blockbuster. Steven, a young filmmaker must find a way to make his monster movie after he and a friend (George) accidentally break the film’s main prop (A Mechanical Shark).

Prognosis: Positive Ok, so when I had to access the trailer for this independent movie I had to first go to the movie’s home page. When I opened it up I seriously thought I was going to be watching something on the Branch Davidians as I could swear the man looking back at me on that site bears a strong resemblance to David Koresh.

What this movie is, really, is something that feels along the same lines of GEORGE LUCAS IN LOVE and I think that may have something to do with Lucas being depicted again in this short with the tell-tale beard and semi-morose attitude. Plus, at 25 minutes, the film looks like that’s just about enough to keep a gag like this going before it becomes tiresome and annoying.

The trailer is really amusing as it shows how JAWS really came together after Spielberg accidentally destroys the shark, trying to secretly show it off to Lucas one night. Right off the bat we get into why I need to see the movie, the conflict, and that’s too important not to make mention of here. Sometimes first time directors are so eager to show off everything they’ve done that they feel a need to cram but this trailer feels open and it doesn’t rush me through things. Within the first 20 seconds I know this is a comedy and that in a moment of child-like exuberance Spielberg kills the one thing that the entire movie rests on: a killer shark.

The trailer could’ve started right into how this malfunction affects the other people in the movie but we get an introduction into the various other members of the cast. Some people that are shown are good in their own thespian right. The producers of this interpretation of JAWS are rightly concerned about how this will affect the rest of the production when the shark is no longer usable, there is a guy who bears a wicked resemblance to Richard Dryfus and eerily sounds like him too, but the sheriff’s line about Spielberg, when commenting about this young auteur and his film style, saying that he wouldn’t be able to direct his way out of a paper bag is a groaner. It is. It’s just like those people who like to use a sentence that has the predicate of “on crack” and they insert someone or something that’s really just crazy or loony to them. “Out of a paper bag” is another one that needs to be jettisoned out of the earth’s verbal lexicon.

This doesn’t take away from the trailer’s ability to tell me why I should give a crap about its existence, though. I like parody. I am the fiscal reason why “Weird Al” still cranks out CD’s every couple of years. Comedy is, by some people’s estimation, a far more tenuous medium than any other genre. I was smiling at a couple of things in this trailer and I think that says something. Does it mean the movie might be great? Yeah, but it also could mean the rest of the film is filled with duds.

The trailer here sets the premise up, gives us a little look into the chaos that ensues after Spielberg trashes one of the most important props in movie history and it even tosses in some moments that would have me, at the very least, seeking this one out on television.

Director: Wes Craven
Cast: Christina Ricci, Shannon Elizabeth, Portia de Rossi, Michael Rosenbaum, Scott Foley, Robert Forster, Judy Greer, Joshua Jackson, Mya
Release: February 25, 2005
Synopsis: Set in Los Angeles, “Cursed” centers around an estranged brother and sister dealing with the recent loss of their parents, whose lives are irrevocably altered one dark night in Los Angeles by a vicious animal attack.

Prognosis: Negative. I think one of the funniest scenes I’ve ever seen put on a screen involved Bill Paxton, an enormous toadish outfit and a little fly. For those who don’t know what scene I was talking about it is when Bill is turned into a hideous little creature in WEIRD SCIENCE. He’s just sitting on his stumpy little legs and thwips a fly right out of midair, enjoying it, before he realizes what he’s done. Somehow description doesn’t do it justice but you never forget a funny like that when you’re a kid as everything that comes after it just seems weak in comparison. Cases in point: Daniel-san grabs the buzzing fly with his chopsticks in KARATE KID, Jeff Goldblum in THE FLY, and even Booger in REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE when he gets the fly with the monstrous loogie he jettisons from his mouth just don’t compare to Bill.

Even Christina Ricci’s fascination with catching flies out of the air with her hands just doesn’t do anything for me.

It seems that Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson (it’s a true Marvel Team-Up if there ever was one) came together to make a werewolf movie but you would never know it by watching this trailer.

The thing starts with Christina taking her brother home. They’re bickering and I can’t really follow it, and it’s really late at night. The road is dark and of course there is heavy foliage besetting both sides of the street so Christina doesn’t see this mysterious something crash into her windshield. In the process of swerving her car away from the point of impact she knocks some lady off the road. I am genuinely curious to know what’s happening but it honest to God seems like it’s a promo for the TV show Lost as this other woman is yanked out of her car by some faceless creature and we have nothing but a blur to go off of. End of scene.

Some days later the brother says he is displaying some odd traits (like the aforementioned fly thing with Ricci), he’s able to bound some school bleachers in a single jump, and dogs start to gather around his house just like the whole cat thing from SLEEPWALKERS (a fairly strange Stephen King movie that I didn’t terribly dislike). His own dog, as well, turns into one of those freak HULK dogs but without the overtly odd physical transformation. It’s not scary, it just seems funny.

The whole trailer is trying to convince me that this is a new chapter of what AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON did for werewolves in the 80’s but I just don’t buy an inch of it. And I really do want it to be good, honestly, I do. Wes Craven gave me NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, Kevin Williamson gave me SCREAM, but all this looks like is an inbred mix of crap acting and bad attempts at trying to seem like a horror film when this only seems like a great cautionary tale as to what film should be avoided come the end of February.

The real reason here why I can’t even be kind of helpful towards this movie is that I have nothing to invest in any of these people. They seem, first of all, like bratty little whelps that need a reed across the ass; second, there isn’t really an explanation as to what’s at stake for any of these people as for all I know killing their friends in werewolf fashion might be a good thing; third, the transformation into a werewolf isn’t even hinted at until the end when we really do get a nice Dracula-like shot of Christina gorging into the neck of what I think is her boyfriend.

Disappointing, to say the least.

Director: Ridley Scott
Cast: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons
Release:May 6, 2005
Synopsis: During the Crusades of the 12th Century, Balian of Ibelin (Bloom), a young blacksmith in Jerusalem, rises to protect his people from foreign invaders.

Prognosis: Negative. “From the director of Gladiator,” the copy says. What it should say is, “From the director of Gladiator comes the exact same thing but just add many hundreds of years”¦”

I joke, I kid”¦sorta.

The trailer opens up wonderfully enough. Orlando Bloom has a voiceover where he is trying to rally the troops about some noble cause they’re involved in. We get an overhead shot of galloping horses that kick up lots of dust and that makes it seem more “epic.” We even get some nameless hottie hugging a young kid as he’s probably sold off into male slavery but the chick is squatting among the same damn crop field that looks exactly like the kind of agricultural product that Russell Crowe walks among at the end of GLADIATOR. It’s probably left over from that film but I can’t say for absolute sure just yet, and then we get some badass wielding a huge blade on a nice sunny day. Is it a knight in battle? Orlando makes me think it’s so but we press on for a before I have a chance to ascertain that.

The hottie shows up again, looking like one of those goth chicks I wanted to mack on in high school with the amount of black eyeliner she has on, but it looks like she’s spoken for by Orlando.

Ok, here’s why this is a bad beginning so far to the trailer: I don’t have an idea of who Orlando is supposed to be (good guy or bad), I see Liam Neeson but haven’t a clue what or who he’s scripted to be and as someone who might be a little helpful in getting people into the seats with the buzz surrounding him for KINSEY this might be a prudent time to get him more properly introduced, and, moreover, where the hell is the story? I feel like David St. Hubbins from THIS IS SPINAL TAP looking into an empty olive and feeling a sense of anger and dejection.

I get a flash of Liam getting surgical with his own sidearm sword but we come upon his voiceover as he talks, again I can only assume, to Orlando about being part of a kingdom of conscious. This time we get Jeremy Irons who looks all suited up for battle on a Hollywood screen, some shots of people riding horses, a lot of pomp of kings and queens and I am completely lost without a road map. Who the hell are these people and what are they doing?

Is Orlando fighting for good? Is he on a crusade against Jeremy Irons? Is that the whole point of the title of the film? If all these things are a yes then I am going to need something more than the quiet lead-in to the battle of thousands (I am sure many of whom who are shown were digitally placed into harms way for my pleasure). I got burned on TROY and on ALEXANDER last year because I thought “how can you screw up a battle sequence after LORD OF THE RINGS?” Well, both of them tried and succeeded in doing so and here it isn’t any different.

However, when some guy who is kneeling on the ground gets socked across the head by something heavy and blunt, the dude’s long curly locks whipping around his face, you’ve got my attention. Also, I am a sucker for the dozens of arrows in the air at a single time trick so I appreciate that as well.

It’s as the trailer is heading into the final turn that I finally become invested in Orlando’s character. He’s on a mission, for sure, but there is a nice lady who waits his safe return and that’s illustrated quite nicely. Liam, though, is oddly shown whipping his sword around in what looks like the exact same fight as the beginning of the trailer. I am happy to add, in the trailer’s defense, that there is an awesome display of flaming catapults. Those little orbs of molten beauty are really the only saving grace here. I mean Middle Earth is one thing but if this is the time of the crusades Orlando looks too damn cute in every shot. Couldn’t they have at least roughed him up a little around the edges? It’s a minor quibble but, even still, this is one of the first movies Ridley Scott has done in a while that I’m really not amped up to see and I think that’s the true letdown of the entire trailer.

Director: Elliot Greenebaum
Cast: Michael Bonsignore, Maggie Riley
Release: February 4, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: “Assisted Living” chronicles a day in the life of Todd, a janitor who spends his days smoking pot and interacting with the residents for his own entertainment. Todd’s detachment from his surroundings is compromised only by his unlikely friendship with Mrs. Pearlman, a resident who begins to confuse him with her son. On this particular day, Todd must choose whether or not to play the part. “Assisted Living” is shot and staged in a real nursing home and gains much of its unique effect and style from the participation of actual residents and staff members. During much of the film, it is impossible to distinguish between what is real and what is fiction.

Prognosis: Positive. Now this is the kind of trailer that makes me smile.

Just when I start to think that maybe I am the jerk-off who can’t find anything nice to say about the labors in trailers of other people one like this makes me think that there are people out there who are trying really hard.

I appreciate that this trailer starts off with a steady flow of information. The makers of this trailer, first of all, use a nice piece of running time of the actual movie to introduce us to the protagonist. It’s a guy who looks like a male nurse, but who I guess turns out to be the janitor, and he’s apologizing for coming in late to work. He walks past someone who might be a co-worker or boss but he doesn’t care because he’s already given the excuse as he was walking and that’s the end of that. He works in a retirement home. The screen goes black. Now, how hard was that?

The next scene has a nice guitar score in the background as our man starts to make a few phone calls to the residents. He’s pretending to be dead members of these people’s families. It may sound cruel, and in a way it is, but it’s too damn funny to see the number of people he talks to and what he says to them. The Q&A ranges from who’s there in heaven with them to what heaven-sex is like.

We get to know this guy a little more when he starts to talk to one of the residents in particular. He seems genuinely nice, to a point, but he also appears to have a way of trying to find different things to amuse himself while working. The cards that are interspersed with the trailer have written sound bites from various news publications regarding the quality of the film. Here it is quite useful in couching the right expectations for the film.

What’s more is the use of long scenes in this trailer. Where many studios want you to at least see a frame of every shot done for a film that’s crammed into their trailer this film appeals to me because I see how these people talk and act with one another. It’s risky but it’s funny to see how our protagonist operates inside the boundaries of his job.

There is a real vulnerability to this guy and the trailer is able to communicate that wonderfully.

Director: Christophe Barratier
Cast: Gerard Jugnot, Francois Berleand, Jean-Baptiste Maunier, Jacques Perrin, Kad Merad
Release: January 14, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: The new teacher at a severely administered boys’ boarding school works to positively effect the students’ lives through music.

Prognosis: Positive. Yeah, this one’s a reader, an import, a foreign language flick, but I absolutely enjoyed this trailer enough to give it a mention.

What’s nice about this trailer is that it starts off very subtly. A metronome tick-tocks in front of a classroom where a small boy watches it go back and forth. A dozen or so small feet shuffle in quick succession as if they’re running to or from somewhere. As is usually the case with foreign language films we get sweeping views of the landscape to show us that we’re in a different time, a different country but everything is tight.

“They were the orphans of World War II that were forgotten.”

The choral singing of one boy fills the background with sound. It’s nice, soothing even. Young boys mill about, I take it to be, a small rural orphanage.

“He was a composer who had given up on music.”

We see what looks like Mr. Stick Up His Ass come to the gates of this boys town as the singing subsides and gives way to a jaunty piano that opens us up to what looks like a KINDERGARTEN COP classroom but with all dudes. The man looks unimpressed and even more so when they pull a Mr. Shoop (Yeah, I’m a Mark Harmon fan, a SUMMER SCHOOL aficionado, so what?) as play keep away with the guy’s belongings.

So far I am really into what this trailer is selling because the set-up was done simplistically and there hasn’t been a moment of stuffiness. That’s a really good thing what with my short attention span these days.

And then it happens. The trailer gains foreword momentum.

The sad and lonely guy eventually does find inspiration with these lads, somehow, and I like that I’m not shown how this happens after these hellions do all they can to make this guy’s life miserable, Something is triggered as our teacher finds a way into these kids’ insides. The choral music begins anew and it’s superb.

This all leads to the mini-scenes of boys being boys, seeing what they did to amuse themselves in their downtime, and there are even a couple of camera shots that just linger long enough to be quite provocative. One is of some man dressed very nicely in a vest and tie but stands on his desk, flying a paper airplane around himself. It’s absurd but it makes me wonder. The same can be said of a shot that has a very small boy, no older than maybe 4 or 5, standing all alone as it appears someone is driving away from him. I’m not sure whether I should feel sad for the lad or wonder why he just stands still as the camera pulls away.

It may be a lot of things but the premise is interesting, the music is splendid, the camerawork is more than adequate and I loved the last thing that this director has done which was WINGED MIGRATION.

Director: Terrence Malick
Cast: Jason Aaron Baca, Christian Bale, Greg Cooper, Colin Farrell, John Ghaly, Wes Studi
Release: November, 2005
Synopsis: A Terrence Malick-scripted drama about explorer John Smith and the clash between Native Americans and the British in the 17th century.

Prognosis: Surprisingly Positive This is one movie that will most defiantly be discussed in certain media circles come next Thanksgiving.

What I like about the film, immediately, is the trailer page where I watched this thing. The photo art that accompanies the small screen for viewing the trailer has a picture of an Indian. You can only see the back of his head, it’s slightly shadowed, with trees all around him. His Mohawk is in full-effect, the feathers are a great touch, very punk circa 1982, and I am struck at how poignant the image is when you see the approaching ships in the background of said picture. It’s eerie, for most who know American history, knowing what will be coming then and in the next couple hundred years. If you live anywhere else in the world and aren’t up on world history, specifically this nation’s love of Thanksgiving, we here in the States celebrate our arrival in the New World, forgetting all that liberal jazz about the smallpox, the mass slaughter of innocents, how we drove a native population nearly into extinction, and everything else we’re literally paying for today, by killing various forms of fauna and having kids make these gnarly hand turkeys that stay on the fridge well after the holiday is finished. But I am getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? What I am trying to illustrate is that I think this film may be a good step in showing how pleasant we were to the natives and the kind of chaos many thousands of white folk brought to this New World and the trailer does an admirable job in fanning the flames of what will, no doubt, be brought up in about 10 months.

The trailer sets things in motion nicely.

The sound of native music echoes among the people on the screen as they are communally joined in a ritual. It’s barely dawn and they stand in a large bank of water. They’re hunting fish.

We’re given, casually, the fact that Terrence Malick, from THE THIN RED LINE, directed this film. The transition is very smooth and it’s not obtrusive.

Virginia, 1607.

A three boat armada enters the frame as a single bang of a large drum symbolizes the weight of what’s about to come next. Another bang of the drum shows the natives getting restless as they spot a small patrol boat led by Colin Farrell. Hell, I would be restless too if I had no idea what a mullet was but yet had no way to describe the evil I felt on the inside by looking at that insidious hairstyle coming ever closer into my life.

The men come off the ship and there is a nice close-up of a single leather boot squishing into the muddy bank as its wearer plods onto land.

The Indians seem to welcome these strange men as the whiteys seem perplexed as to what to do. Even the head of P.A.G.A.N. from DRAGNET, Reverend Jonathan Whirley aka Christopher Plummer (I’m also a big fan of that midnight movie), seems wierded out by the welcome.

We see a nice depiction of the tribal people more than the Europeans (God only knows what nationality Colin will be playing this time) and we then get right up to the lip of where things start to boil over but we don’t get there. There also doesn’t seem to be conflict between the Indians and Europeans but we get a peek into a certain assimilation that takes place with Colin. In a way that makes me think this is a little bit like THE LAST SAMURAI (a movie that should’ve been better but decided to piss any cred it had away with Tom Cruise walking away from a machine gun assault. Bollocks.) but without too much depending on a love story. Not that there isn’t one, though. There is a very nice ending shot of an Indian woman, in full-on Pocahontas garb, walking slowly into a grassy thicket. She’s all alone and maybe she ahs something to do with Colin but since I can’t say for sure I can only guess. But what I will say is that, again, this is a good case why voiceovers don’t necessarily have to be the knee-jerk go-to solution in telling a story. If you use good imagery, like this one does, and you really try to organically get your point across the audience is a lot smarter than some will have you think.

Yeah, I also know it’s Colin Farrell and it’s so hard to trust him to take the lead in anything but I just have to think that TIGERLAND wasn’t just luck. I’m pullin’ for the lad, I am.

Director: Uwe Boll
Cast: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Will Sanderson
Release: January 28, 2005
Synopsis: Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious events with deadly results.

Prognosis: Negative. Christian Slater. Christian Slater. I still maintain that HEATHERS, TRUE ROMANCE and PUMP UP THE VOLUME were his true pinnacles of celluloid history. INTERVIEW OF A VAMPIRE? That was supposed to be River Phoenix and doesn’t count. KUFFS I am extremely happy to own on DVD but would never admit to that in public conversation. So, it is with great dread that once again Slater is pumping out another weak-assed attempt to try and finagle some better roles; this, I am afraid, will only get him a supporting spot in DUNSTON CHECKS IN 2: DUNSTIN GOES APESHIT.

The poster, though, for the film is an HR Giger nightmare and I like that. It’s creepy, it’s dark and it’s says to me that this movie is looking to be something more than just a weak scare flick. Uwe Boll, the mastermind behind the lens, just looks like he was on autopilot making this. Sure, HOUSE OF THE DEAD was applauded by some, certainly not by me by any means, but, come on, let’s take a look at this trailer.

We get an overhead shot of a city during the day. Whether it’s supposed to be New York, Chicago, L.A., Peru, I haven’t a clue and none is even offered as we switch to a Christian Slater voiceover and he is in full-on Nicholson as he starts to talk about investigating whatever the hell seems to be happening again. Somehow, using backgrounds as the clues, it has something to do with mosquitoes and human lungs. I’m not sure but this could be the first movie based on West Nile Virus.

Slater talks with someone, wearing the same trench coat and black t-shirt as he seems to be donning in every shot, a requisite for any bad movie mo-fo with an attitude but a good moral compass, and their talk is fixated on an ancient tablet of some sort. Tara Reid, hot off her role in MY BOSS’S DAUGHTER, is the one woman who will be accompanying Slater on some trek into the depths of someplace dark where you just know she’s not gonna get killed because she’s supposed to be the hot chick and hot chicks never get knocked-off although I don’t think Tara really qualifies anymore”¦

What is so alarming to me is that we are well into the trailer and we don’t have any sense of trepidation or buy-in as to why I should give a care about any of the things happening on the screen. So far it’s like being jerked around from scene to scene with no real context and I am actually thankful for Voiceover Guy when he finally chimes in.

“Some gateways should never be opened”¦”

Thanks. Now we’re getting somewhere. Slater and a bunch of people, who will no doubt be dead by the third act less Reid and maybe Dorff, depending on how good his agent is, find their way into some ancient something or another. There are skulls on one wall so that should be plenty creepy, right? Then, some security guard starts to investigate what appears to be a big black room. As soon as the poor sap starts to say “Hello?” you know how this encounter is going to end. I just hope to get a glimpse of the thing that’s gonna kill him. I’m robbed of that but somehow I there are display cases everywhere and now I get the clue that this might be happening in a museum. Huh? Yeah, no context equals confused. Confused leads to anger and anger leads to wondering why this film looks like it was shot on one soundstage and appears to meld elements of STARSHIP TROOPERS and every lame one-guy-against-it-all cliché you can hurl at it.

Ahh, but I am not without some compliments regarding this film. At about one minute six seconds I get exactly what I need: gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, and a better look at our titular villain. Yeah, it’s like a midget horde of Godzillas but it’s loud, it’s visually engaging and I actually feel some sort of pull towards to the theater to see it.

However, after the hard rock soundtrack ends and the night watchman gets it by what looks like a Shiwalla car scrubber with fangs, I am no more inclined to see this movie than I am anything else Slater has done in the last five years.

Director: Peter Segal
Cast: Martin Lawrence, Horatio Sanz, Steven Anthony Lawrence, Steven C. Parker, Patrick Warburton
Release:April 15, 2005
Synopsis: An acclaimed college hoops coach is demoted to a junior varsity team after a public meltdown.

Prognosis: Negative. “A comedy where old school meets middle school”?

A tagline like this really does tell you exactly what kind of film you’re in for. I was about to get all mental on this trailer, an obvious target for some sharp commentary about where Martin Lawrence’s career is going, but I won’t. This film isn’t for you or I and but it is trying to cater, I think, to a more youthful audience. I guess Lawrence is thinking is if Eddie Murphy is getting paid big money to not be that funny and cater to kids, why can’t I? And who could blame him, anyway? I sure as hell would like some of that sell-out action. This trailer, though, to its credit, gives us everything we need to know about the story from start, middle to finish.

First, we see that he is a very successful college coach. He appears to be the coach of a team that has done very well for his reputation as a great leader of men, but, like all movies that are about big tumbles from the top, he’s knocked off his pedestal. It seems he was excessively cruel to a school’s live hawk mascot when he accidentally kills it by punting a basketball into its head. He’s immediately banned from coaching college basketball and we even see more of his Bobby Knight-like qualities when he tries to refute the punishment.

So far the story is well-put, the camera angles are about as vanilla as you’re gonna get, there is nothing at all special about the acting and we pretty much know this is going to be all about Martin.

He somehow makes his way back to the middle school where he used to go, I am sure there will be a huge plotline surrounding why this indignant little man would stoop so low, and asks to coach their basketball team. Would you be terribly surprised to know that each one of these kids homogenously suck at playing basketball? Yeah, me neither. Each one of these kids, though, especially the girl, have a wacky characteristic that sets them apart from any other normal kid in the world and I guess that will appeal to the eight to twelve year-olds out there who may want to waste their time to see this.

I do have to say it is kinda funny that when the kids don’t listen to Lawrence’s advice to keep their hands up while guarding their man he, in turn, puts Icy Hot under their armpits. I found that little act of child abuse hilarious. I’m actually going to commit that bit to my future Rolodex of Things To Do To My Own Kid Someday. I actually laughed.

But for every step, though, we take forward we go twenty backward. What happens near the end of this trailer is we see these kids do what every other kid’s movie show underdogs do: win. They now have great looking uniforms, Lawrence fires them up by letting them know they’re winners (Awww), there seems to be a great celebration at the end, and there’s even a moment when the guy who fired Martin at the beginning of the trailer tells him the following, “Are you out of your mind?” The guy is holding a contract in his hand and Martin goes on to explain that he found a group of kids who blah blah blah. Essentially you now know that he’ll be offered his old job back and he’ll refuse it. Um, who the hell cut this trailer? Isn’t the whole point of one of these things is to stoke interest and to possibly, at times, tease? To even give away the secondary ending seems absolutely beyond anything I can comprehend but I guess that’s what’s needed to bring in the young’uns.

For the rest of the audience, though, that this movie does not appeal to I am sure we all give you thanks for ruining an already wafer-thin movie and for saving me the money of having to find out myself how this thing ends.

Director: Moon-saeng Kim, Park Sunmin
Cast: Joon-ho Chung, David Naughton, Hye-jin Yu, Ji-tae Yu.
Release: February 18, 2005
Synopsis: Civilization has been destroyed by war and pollution, but the survivors have built the last city of Ecoban. As most natural resources have been exhausted, Ecoban is powered by pollution. The citizens of Ecoban need to continue creating this pollution leading them into conflict with the inhabitants of Marr, while one man just wants to clear away the clouds and show the sky to his beloved.

Prognosis: Visually Positive. As a big fan for all things TRON, I submit to you SKY BLUE.

At first I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting. I mean nearly the first thirty seconds of this trailer is spent showing us who made the damn thing. Yeah, it’s cool to have a really great lead-in to show what company put the time into making the film but when it represents a good percentage of your running time you may want to think about scaling things back a bit.

After the intros are finally out of the way we’re shown a really nice close-up of rain falling to the ground; rain just coming down on concrete. It’s simple, it’s artistic in a way and I like the way it sort of eases us into revealing what film festivals really took a shine to this movie: Tokyo Film Festival, Sundance, Venice, London.

“How long has it been raining? Forever.”

A nice female voice is the first sound I hear as the screen goes black and that’s when it happens. A bike, right out TRON but without the neon shite on the sides, goes blazing, hauling major ass, into the side of a mountain that has a tunnel etched into it.

Were told it’s 2142 and, as all movies that go this far in the future show us, people seem to be living underground in vast networks of post-apocalyptic urban jungles, there is a very musty and dreary feel to everything but it all seems very real to me. I am amazed when I see that this is an animated movie.

The story is daring with its cocksure overlords, their grand designs to be rulers among men, and the lone rogue out to stop it all. I’m not faulting the film, though, as I would if the animation used traditional methodologies to tell this tale but every story like this one needs to have a twist to set it apart and the visuals that are supporting the action pop out at me with a colorful panache.

Yeah, there are grandiose moments of bombast of our hero trying to rally his troops in killing whoever is in charge of their misfortune but the sequences used how the action will go down beats to hell anything I’ve seen for a while in the realm of Asian animation. I can’t tell for sure if it’s a blend of live action with animation or if it’s CGI mixed with animation but it’s riveting.

I do have to give even more props to how this thing goes out. I have a thing about liking it when trailer really blows out the wad at the end to really sell a film with bits and pieces that may not even be related to anything. The explosions, the energy, the gunfire, the movements of the characters, they all get me excited to find out where this film will be coming to my part of the world. It’s animation with serious style.

Director: Jesse Dylan
Cast: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Mike Ditka, Kate Walsh
Release: May 13th, 2005
Synopsis: Family man Phil Weston, a lifelong victim of his father’s competitive nature, takes on the coaching duties of a kids’ soccer team, and soon finds that he’s also taking on his father’s dysfunctional way of relating.

Prognosis: Positive. The only thing that Will Ferrell has to fear is being pigeonholed as the “go to” guy for a character that needs to be slightly off from the norm. His performances in recent years have been nothing less than commendable for their ability to raise an average production into something more when they’re entrusted to his brand of comedy. From his recent stint as a crazed ex-Santa helper in ELF and even as Ron Burgundy in ANCHORMAN they both have shown his abilities as a comedic actor. He is really one of the best talents that is actually maturing in an age where EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND or JOEY pass for what mainstream culture demands of its humor.

Thank god for Will.

This trailer starts off interestingly enough. Kids are all frolicking with one another in a series of youth sports. From soccer (I remember sucking at that) to football (I was too big of a puss to even try) to baseball (Let’s face facts”¦I was once the walk leader for my little league division I was so scared of that white leathery thing) Voiceover Guy let’s us know that these are the things that build character in young children’s lives and it took coaches to instill these values into us.

Cut to Will Ferrell, in a crazy pair of Blublocker shades, telling a pack of small kids to play dirty if they have to, while admonishing them not to get caught if they try, as Mike Ditka looks on, gnashing on his gum as only Da Coach can do. The children go in for the huddle and it seems that soccer is the name of the game in this film.

What comes next, though, is genuinely amusing. A little kid, literally, no more than a few feet tall rolls over a soccer ball. The ball is half this kid’s size. Will Ferrell, short of using foul language, yells at this poor child and at the end of the rant he tells him to, “grab some bench.” Verbal abuse, when put in odd contexts, is an excellent brand of laugh getting that Will seems to have a knack for doing well.

What’s more is Will’s verbal taunting of an opposing team’s player as he trash talks from the sidelines. The abused child eventually goes after Will, even gets him on the ground, and nearly has him crying uncle.

Will then turns his attention to these kid’s parents. Where there has been much made, as of late, of coaches who abuse their positions for their own sake the trailer has Will calling out a parent’s utter lack of respect for himself and makes one of them run a lap.

The trailer ends with his own son, who is on the team, trying to keep his father in check. Will doesn’t see what his son is even referring to as he says he’s doing everything for him and for the two of them to have fun. Herein, then, lies the crux of the film. While things don’t seem to be anything more than just a vehicle for Will to be”¦well”¦Will it does seem like a flick, like ELF, that will get parents as well as kids in to his movies.

Is this a bad thing or a good thing? Does having a career essentially built on films that just showcase you while everyone else is really just a supporting character a positive way to move through movies? His stint in BEWITCHED, one of the first times since OLD SCHOOL, will show how he really does with sharing the screen. The thing with that is, though, that I can’t even think why that would be a problem. Will has shown himself capable of melting into the background as well as being at the forefront where the action is. He is all about giving seemingly normal people just that slight quirk that is amusing to the rest of us in an audience but confounds all those who come in contact with him on the screen. So far it’s working well.

Director:Ron Howard
Cast: Russell Crowe, Renée Zellweger, Connor Price
Release: June 3rd, 2005
Synopsis: Set in New York during the Depression, this is the story of James Braddock (Crowe), who takes up boxing to make money to feed his family, and ends up becoming quite famous in the process, eventually going up against champ Max Baer.

Prognosis: Positive Yes, this is one of the most manipulative trailers you’ll see in a long time but, damn, it does it really well.

I wasn’t necessarily a fan of his work in MASTER AND COMMANDER nor was I in love of everything that he did in A BEAUTIFUL MIND (made by the same people here) but this film does feel different in a way that almost makes me feel lured to see what this film can do.

The thing opens up with Russell Crowe getting his ass beat in a boxing ring. Everything about it feels like a period piece and the boxing gloves (the rope tied around those leather mitts) give it all away. The camera moves in slow motion, Russell looking obviously exhausted from the fight, as he falls from the ropes.

The scene dissolves.

Paul Giamatti appears to be Russell’s trainer and the two of them are sitting on the edge of an empty ring. Paul lets him know that he’s getting old, he’s getting slow, and that it’s over. Russell just wants another fight. He looks like a man beaten. The scene dissolves.

Renée Zellweger is his wife and she tells him that she’ll always be behind him; it, too, feels like a sincere statement of love that I somehow manage to take at face value.

“I believe we live in a great country”¦”

Russell takes the reigns on a voiceover that has little to do with the action on the screen. He appears to be locked out of a factory, along with the rest of the working population there, and it all has the texture and scent of the depression in New York as the foreman of the warehouse shouts out from behind a locked gate that he needs only nine men to work out of the dozens that have shown up. Russell isn’t one of them.

An interesting point of fact here is that even though that Brian Grazer and Ron Howard are the men helming this thing from behind the lens the cards that tell us this are miniscule in comparison to the savage fonts that some directors employ to let anyone within eye shot of their trailer know who’s in charge.

Russell admits in the voice over that he owes everyone money. Renee stands in a snowy alleyway sobbing her eyes out. The man is down as low as one man can get but yet he mentions the things he’s grateful for, with accompanying film to show it: his three healthy “troublemaking” kids and his beautiful wife. You’re so busy looking at the people he’s talking about that you don’t ever sense that the cards that introduce Renee as Renee just blend seamlessly into the background of the narrative. Absolutely splendid.

The trailer ends with us seeing him behind a half dozen radio microphones, this voiceover being a small conceit that hasn’t revealed until the end, and that he’s been talking to the media about how this is his second chance; the last second chance of his career. The feeling I get as things come to a finish is that you don’t really know if this boxer will come out and win this fight. You know everything that’s prelude to this but it doesn’t feel hokey in a way that most sports movies are. It could go either way for this palooka and that’s about as much as you can ask for in a film like this.

The music, as well, gets some extra points for its smooth and ethereal like quality. It carries us delicately from one moment to the next.

Director: Francis Lawrence
Cast: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Djimon Hounsou
Release: February 18, 2005
Synopsis: Based on the DC/Vertigo comic book Hellblazer and written by Kevin Brodbin, Mark Bomback and Frank Capello, Constantine tells the story of irreverent supernatural detective John Constantine (Keanu Reeves), who has literally been to hell and back.

Prognosis: Getting Warmer… I know that some of the production issues this film has had in the past have already made people talking heads on the subject of doomed productions. However, it does not take away from the feeling that this film, at the very least, delivers on a visual level when you see this trailer.

I reviewed the teaser way back in May when this film was already slated for a 2005 release. There was a lot that Warner Brothers could’ve done to that teaser or, more importantly, left out in order to really tease the premise of this film. Instead of doing that what do they go and produce? A trailer-worthy cavalcade of images and small snippets of really good bite-sized pieces of eye candy, that’s what.

This new trailer exceeds even my own expectations out of a production that has Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz helming the leading roles.

The thing starts off oddly enough. Keanu sits in a very large room in an electric chair. The floor seems like gold linoleum as a guy who could pass for the authentic Huggy Bear tosses a pot full of water onto the floor where it touches Keanu’s feet. (Those of you with a fetish for that sort of thing will be more than delighted at the images provided) Huggy busts a floor lamp light bulb wide open, leaving the center filament intact as it illuminates the already bright space. He asks Keanu if he’s sure about this, to which our “Whoa” man says no. Homeboy jams the lamp downward, Keanu gets some voltage not seen since that one part in FACES OF DEATH or even SHOCKER and we’re off. What’s really special about this trailer is that with this new installment Warner Bros. jams even more visuals for us to consume so it’s really hard to keep things together.

Next, some dude stands before a fireplace; we’re not shown his face but he extends his wings like it’s a deleted scene from X2. We’re offered context at all but it’s just there to be shown.

Weisz stands before Keanu and wants to ask him a couple of questions. She tells him she knows what circles he travels in, that he’s interested in the occult and as we get her voice doing a sort of impromptu voiceover over a scene that shows a woman crawling on the ceiling. This bit has me digging this film even more; any movie where you can get people crawling on ceilings gets my attention for a few more seconds than it really should. It’s an Achilles heel.

In one of the longest scenes provided Keanu is hanging out with a friend of his. The friend has a magic wand of sorts and says the thing contains dragon breath. It’s all well and good until Keanu turns to the side and unleashes a wicked stream of fire from the tip of that thing. I’ll admit, it looks pretty impressive.

It’s about this time when the plot comes into fuzzy focus as Keanu refers to the explanation given in the teaser earlier this year that God and the Devil made a wager for the souls of all mankind; no direct contact, just influence to see who would win. Now, that’s an easy enough plot to understand. Things get interesting, though, when Weisz’ character gets the chance, just like in that sweet film THEY LIVE, to see those that are in possession of one or the other. Mostly, though, it appears that she’s just gonna see those who are ready to tear the world a new one.

There is a nice baptism scene in Keanu’s bathtub where we get a little wet shirt cleavage from Weisz but her femininity is too much to be contained and the tub busts open. This when strange things go afoot near that man’s Circle K.

We’re not really sure what’s happening after this as what we’re given afterwards is the same as from the original teaser where Weisz gets ripped backwards through an office building. It’s a nice effect, regardless.

We’re given intros into all the characters, Keanu’s slapping his arms together in a Wonder Twins sort of way to unleash some unholy hell, Weisz gets hers through a series of personal possessions and other strange occurrences, but this thing does end quite limply with Keanu saying “Go to hell.” I’m sure it’s in reference to something really very dramatic but, still, those kinds of puns need to go away. Quickly.

What can I say but that it actually looks impressive? The same could be said for any other movie that depends too much on its CGI but if Garth Ennis had anything to do with the screenplay this may very well be a good start to the comic book movies of 2005.

Director: Peter Segal
Cast: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds, James Cromwell, Walter Williamson, Michael Irvin, Nelly
Release:May 27, 2005
Synopsis: Prison inmates form a football team to challenge the prison guards.

Prognosis: Negative. Ok, so the trailer beings with “Paradise City” by Guns N’ Roses.

Now, I can appreciate the vibe of the song and what it is supposed to connote superficially but wasn’t there nothing made in the ’90s or 2000s that could’ve done the same thing? It really is a small quibble but when I also see that this film is a part of MTV Films I get a little nervous as the marketing for this project will be brutal. Any pre- or recently post-pubescent with any working knowledge of how MTV Films uses its own network to whore their films, as is the case right now with the soon-to-released, COACH CARTER, can attest how you will be an assault of commercials and personal appearances from the film’s line-up on TRL and anything else they damn well own. I know all about synergy and how it’s supposed to help market films but there is that thin line of promotion and the way some make pimping a film a lesson in visual saturation.

About the trailer, though, Sandler starts off by being shown as an inmate inside a prison. 364 days a year they’re chained up and beat down. (I not only like that tagline but I appreciate that Sandler is getting shown getting his ass booted off a bus. It’s oddly satisfying and I rewind that bit a few times just for the visual satisfaction.) For the audience this trailer is catering to it does everything right to help them understand why they need to see this new Sandler product. I’m not criticizing that, but can see how these things are being softballed to a very specific audience.

Sandler is told that another prison has a great guard football league and the warden in charge wants him, and whoever the hell he can get to play, to go up against them. Of course, the prison guards are all beefed out, have huge muscles, have nice uniforms, practice fields, equipment, etc”¦ The prison guards actually appear to be nothing less than a watered down professional football team. What this does is to visually contrast the guys that Sandler, throughout this trailer, is going to try and get to play for him. The first dude, though, looks like a mad meld of Lou Ferrigno and Hannibal Lecter. He’s completely savage and of course he says no when asked to play in this game. Of course, as soon as Sandler says it’s the guards they’re going to go up against he’s all for it.

It’s all about contrast from here on out. The guards are slick, the inmates are clumsy and hapless; the guards have moves while the inmates are inept. It goes back and forth like this for just a few moments while “Two Steps” from Lynyrd Skynyrd plays in the background.

Sandler and Chris Rock get to make a little jokes so everyone knows, if you don’t already know, this is going to be a comedy while Burt Reynolds gets to show up in the trailer to keep with the whole having to bring someone from an old production as an “homage” to the new one; I don’t yet understand why that needs to happen in most any remake nowadays.

And what would an all male football picture be without poking fun at homosexuality? Rock does an answer/response with the guys he’s trying to motivate and tricks one of them to say something that suggests that the guy is a homo. Ha Ha. Great. You know, the sooner that writers can find jokes that don’t depend on trying to harness a dangerous zeitgeist in social thinking like this one does I could more enjoy supporting a film that looks like it’s 90 minutes of pure formula.

As it stands it still looks like it’s following all the things necessary to have a standard opening while having a little latitude to get a few extra dollars should they open this at just the right time in the year when people are looking to fill their time with a little crap at the cinema.

Director: Petra Epperlein, Michael Tucker
Cast: True blue American soldiers.
Release: March 4, 2005
Synopsis: GUNNER PALACE reveals the complex realities of the situation in Iraq not seen on the nightly news. Told first-hand by our troops, ‘Gunner Palace’ presents a thought provoking portrait of a dangerous and chaotic war that is personal, highly emotional, sometimes disturbing, surprisingly amusing … and thoroughly fascinating.

Prognosis: Very Positive. Regular readers out there know of my love for PALM Pictures. They’re a great outfit that gives financial boots to really out-of-the-way pictures that rise above the idea that independent has to equate to stifling, self-indulgent productions. When you watch this trailer you can see that this is a documentary that seems just as relevant now as it was when it was shot.

Quickly, this movie draws you in and gets right to the point as if seconds are too precious to waste. As the screen illuminates we’re treated to a quote from someone from the NY Times and, as is my thoughts on this sort of thing, it gives instant credibility to the production and it makes people linger on just a little longer had it not been there. I could’ve quickly pressed stop and gone on but I liked that someone else had already done the work and seen the film.

A nice baseline starts pumping. The sky is now yellow as a large plane banks on its side and we cut to a US soldier walking backwards, cradling his weapon. We know exactly where this has been filmed without needing an explanation.

We then see another soldier in a bulletproof vest, a flow of words streaming from his mouth as he’s the one rapping over the bass, standing in front of a Humvee; it’s a stark contrast to the more popular versions of current media depictions of the Cristal guzzling misogynists who stand comfortably, and safely, in front of H2s with their hoes in tow.

This is Iraq and a flood of unrest dots the screen. A punk rock tune takes over and the assault is on to showcase the chaos that is military life. It’s vivid, real, and I can’t look away and this is only the first twenty seconds of the trailer.

We’re told that 400 troops set themselves up at a palace once built for Sadaam Hussein. These guys are shown taking advantage of its large interior and pool area for really letting off some of their pent up energy. The music is perfect as troops flounder into a nice looking pool.

Some guys cruise the streets of an Iraqi town at night without their uniforms on and they appear to be just trying to take it all in. A small pack of soldiers, armed, manhandle some unwilling participants in what I can only assume is a raid. Guys are rounded up, ammunition is found, as is a lot of dough, and you begin to see character studies of the real guys who are on the frontline of this war. What’s really interesting to note, apart from one soldiers’ view about how many Iraqis greeted them with open arms a year ago and how now they’re shot at, is at one point in this trailer a soldier lets the camera see one of the vehicles he uses. The truck is outfitted in a slapdash pishposh of heavy metallic objects that are supposed to be his “bulletproofing.” It’s a sad commentary about how these soldiers have to find scrap metal to reinforce their vehicles but, again, it’s chillingly relevant.

What’s also remarkable about this movie is that, as a documentary, there isn’t really a bias that can be traced back to a left-wing liberal or a right-wing pundit. I am appreciative of any story about a conflict such as this but if this is truly a documentary about the soldiers told from the soldiers, as this trailer purports, I would do anything I could to see what it’s really like to be so young and in the middle of a war so heinously out of control.

Director: Stephen Herek
Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Kelli Garner, Vanessa Ferlito, Monica Keena, Christina Milian, Paula Garcés, Cedric the Entertainer
Release: February 25, 2005
Synopsis: Tommy Lee Jones stars as a Texas Ranger who must protect a group of cheerleaders who have witnessed a murder.

Prognosis: Negative. This is one you should only watch through the spaces of the fingers that are secure on your face while reeling in horror that Tommy Lee Jones needed money this bad. As it stands, I also don’t think you’ll hear him on Regis and Kelly saying, “You know, I read one page of this script and knew that I was born to play this part.”

As it is, in the beginning of this trailer Lee comes walking through the smoky entranceway of a college football stadium, looking Texas tough and proud of it. Now, in contrast to this, in the next scene a gaggle of cheerleaders are witnesses to some murder. Quickly we are to infer that he’s in charge of keeping them safe because they’re in immanent danger of someone doing something very untoward to them and that these girls need a middle aged man to protect them. The girls act so so cute when they’re all collected together in an interrogation room. They actually start flipping through albums of the po-po’s mug shot books and start picking out the cute convicts. Too bad the Kids In The Hall did the joke over a decade ago but I’m quite sure most of Middle America hasn’t so it’s a safe hack.

Essentially what you have here is a bland blend of Walker, Texas Ranger and a not as near as funny BRING IT ON, which, I still contend and will die believing, is a tour de force of teenage cinema.

Back in this movie, though, Tommy saves our girls from harm as someone rigs their cheerleader van to explode but was shoddy enough to leave some wires dangling in plain view so Tommy could get them out just in time before it all goes ka-blooey.

The plot thickens, or weakens, after we find out that Tommy decides to move in with the girls to really make sure nothing happens to them. One of the other jokes that’s made is a pizza guy comes to the door and I swear it’s the U.S. Marshall I really liked from THE FUGITIVE and then hated in U.S. MARSHALLS comes back to auditory life. He makes the pizza guy put his hands above his head and turn around; I damn near thought I would see a waterfall next. Unfortunately, what I received was Tommy getting stampeded by Grade A co-eds with no real ability to keep the crazy chicks in control and this is when Cedric “The Entertainer” waltzes into things. Again, like a studio joke that will not die, C&C Music Factory starts bumpin’ with “Everybody Dance Now” as Cedric gets into a dance off with the cheerleading ladies. I have no idea what it’s all about, apart from it being an obvious gag for simpletons everywhere to have a good snort, laughing at the funniness of it all, but it doesn’t help wherever the hell this movie is supposed to be going.

Oh, and P.S., middle-aged men like Tommy aren’t allowed to use the words “old school.” I’m positive he had no idea what it even meant before a scriptwriter put it into his vocabulary and it’s embarrassing to both him and us.

You ladies will be happy to know, though, that in this movie Tommy Lee actually allows himself to be emasculated. He gives into the girls, although, hell, who wouldn’t, and dons a cucumber facial mask while getting a lesson in whoring oneself up for a date. From what I can gather I think you girls are supposed to find that amusing.

The rest of the trailer just gives me no positive note to give you. I really tried to find something good in Tommy mistaking the mascot for the killer or when Cedric gives a sin speech about casting the first stone and Tommy wings one at his temple or even where Cedric does a series of back flips down a church aisle only to come down on a wooden table, shattering it.

Sorry, but this one is homogenously bad.

Director: Andrew Douglas
Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George
Release: April 15, 2005
Synopsis: A family is terrorized by a demonic force in their new home that was the site of many gruesome murders a year earlier.

Prognosis: Positive I like the beginning and the way it slowly pulls me into this trailer.

It’s totally dark, a completely black screen, and we suddenly hear what sounds like three gunshots.

Static engulfs the picture and then tunes, black and white no less, in on what seems like a news report on a crime committed at a home. Quick flashes of police tape, bodies being carried out; a newspaper title of “Family Slain” jumps erratically into our viewing area; mechanical and static sounds crunch in the audio field while we get pictures of the victims; and then a nice shot of a body bag rolls right into the picture.

Oh yeah, and we’re clearly told that this all based on a true story.

Sweet.

Next, we get a man who looks like Jesus himself, with the exception that Jesus wouldn’t slay his own family, I’m just saying, being arraigned at a trial. A news reporter says that the guy heard voices in his head that told him to kill his family.

The screen goes black again but we’re quickly given a card that says “One year later”¦the Lutz family movies into….” and you can pretty much start guessing this is where the weird stuff starts to happen.

The first thing that’s odd is that Ryan Reynolds is the main Lutz in question as the card then says “They only lasted 28 days.” Of course you get copious amounts of freaky violin music in the background and I have to admit that it’s good, it’s effective. It’s the kind of music that brings me back to the FRIDAY THE 13TH days where the violin would play that one high pitched note right before someone would get a machete right through their melon. Of course, even here, there’s lightning and rain to give it that certain creepiness as Ryan slowly walks up stairs where I assume he thinks something is going on.

We don’t know for sure what’s happening, though, because after that all we’re given is cut scenes of an ax stuck in a stump, some person hiding behind some wooden closet doors (the bad guys ALWAYS know you’re watching them behind those things), a swarm of insects start buzzing around a priest who is obviously trying to use the whole “The power of Christ compels you”¦” and is failing miserably, we get a creepy looking ghoul who seems to be hanging out at the bottom of a pond and then we are treated to a whole lot of chick screams as the woman in question is caught in the middle of a rainstorm and on the roof of her house while doing it.

This film looks promising only because of the buildup to the scattered money shots and even though there isn’t a whole lot of talking I am aware of everything that is happening in this film. A voiceover would have rendered this trailer sterile and I appreciate the way things just happen on the screen naturally.

Director: Ekachai Uekrongtham
Cast: Asanee Suwan, Sorapong Chatree, Orn-Anong Panyawong, Nukkid Boonthong
Release: January 21, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Based on the real life story of Parinya Charoenphol, a Muaythai boxer who underwent a sex change operation to become a woman. The movie chronicles her life from a young boy who likes to wear lipstick and wear flowers to her sensational career as kickboxer whose specialty is ancient Muaythai boxing moves which she can execute expertly with grace and finally her confrontation with her own sexuality which led to her sex change op.

Prognosis: Positive. The trailer opens up at the very beginning of daylight in the Far East. The sun rises over a hilly and grass-covered mountain range.

In the next scene we get two different images being constructed for us: one is of a hand pulling up some fishnet stockings up a leg, the next is of a boxer pulling up his fighting trunks. A dress is pulled up and some manicured red nails are turned upside down as the boxers hands are wrapped up in white tape.

“When did you first realize you wanted to become a woman?”

What we have here, kids, is a movie about a man who wants to be everything he’s always desired to become: a member of the opposite sex. Instead of launching into the exacting details of the here and now we get some exposition into this man’s past.

As a child we see him admiring women. There is a delightfully beautiful dancer on a stage in his small town as she cavorts for the delight of a crowd when a tube of lipstick rolls to within his grasp. He says in a voiceover that he always knew he was different. The kid decides to put the lipstick on and come home to his family and perform the same dance the woman was performing for the town. The dad is looks concerned but what we can infer is that he’s tossed out of the family for his femme ways.

We next see the awards this film has won and assuages any subliminal concerns we aren’t being lulled to believe this is some Chicks With Di%&# Volume 43 advertisement.

It seems this kid was banished to a life of literal wandering for a long long time before stumbling onto a camp where all they do is train fighters. He decides to give it a go and allow himself to achieve mental and physical perfection.

Now comes the kicking in of some heads.

The guy lands some nice punches and even gets in a sweet kick. This is interspersed with his desire to cross-dress while still retaining his desire to achieve greatness with his boxing. Some taiko drumming kicks into overdrive as we are shuttled off to Japan for a championship of sorts. The guy is a superstar and what’s nice is that he still finds in himself the ability to be the woman on the outside he always wanted to become. The kicks get stronger, the violence gets harder, and we see the road of introspection this man has had to go through in order to get to where he is.

His training is embedded in his identity and so is the need to put on make-up before each match. These moments are assisted by the cards from the major press here in the States that have seen this film and want to give the movie its due by saying how moving a picture this is.

The subject matter alone will keep some people away but this trailer is wonderfully constructed to keep the line tight between showing what this man wants and balancing it with who he is. It doesn’t seem like a movie that belongs exclusively to the gay/lesbian genre but with the element of dudes kicking the crap out of one another, especially the wicked awesome monkey punch our hero lands at the end of this thing, it shows some things that could appeal to all different sorts of backgrounds. These words, I know, will fall on some deaf ears but this film, just on the surface, looks like it will be more than a man who just wants to be a woman. It looks like a man trying to define himself as he defiles opponents in the boxing ring.

Director: Shawn Levy
Cast: Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Beyoncé Knowles, Jean Reno
Release:September 23, 2005
Synopsis: A prequel to the 1964 Peter Sellers original film, where the detective must solve the murder of a famous soccer coach and find out who stole the infamous Pink Panther diamond.

Prognosis: Negative. Quick background on the guy who’s directing this. He has been at the helm for all of the following movies: CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN (2003), JUST MARRIED (2003), BIG FAT LIAR (2002). I had to endure the savagery that was JUST MARRIED and CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN all on my wife’s insistence. I wasn’t impressed and, as married to a woman who likes her entertainment as mainstream as Friends was in Must-See TV, she loathed it more. JUST MARRIED was a vapid, useless, needless movie that could’ve just as easily been used at Guantanamo Bay to elicit confessions out of all the detainees present there and could’ve avoided all this controversy there now and CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN was only good, for me anyway, to watch Hillary Duff start her downward roller coaster ride in films.

And, apart from the directing, what the hell happened to Steve Martin? He isn’t what he once was. He’s no Bill Murray, this much I know, but what’s odd is his taste in art is impeccable (I saw his collection at the Bellagio years ago), his writing is decent (he shouldn’t try so hard, though), but his films in the past few years have questioned my feelings about his brilliance in PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES, BOWFINGER, and even THE SPANISH PRISONER. It’s truly been a confusing times for those who are trying to understand what made him do CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN, BRINING DOWN THE HOUSE and even LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION.

I’ve watched the trailer and I just can’t recommend this film. I’ve tried to be open-minded but let me just try and put this into a language we all will understand.

At first I’m kind of excited because I really think this film will be interesting because of its international embracement of football (Americans, read here: soccer) and of the chaotic mess that is a football stadium at mass capacity. We even get Jason Statham who steps out onto the field and brandishes a ridiculously sized ring to the crowd. I don’t know how a dude showing off a ring as hideous as that in front of soccer hooligans would elicit the kind of pandemonium, even if it is the pink panther diamond, but I guess this is the movies so we have to take it at face value. I’m bummed when Jason is quickly killed off and his big ring is stolen in the process. Not that the ring is gone but that Jason isn’t going to be in the film any longer.

Of course we’re told that that only one man can solve the case but right then and there I’m not quite sure why in the hell this bumbling idiot is handpicked to solve the case. I realize this is a comedy but if one wants to build some sort of believable characterization that someone can suspend their disbelief in they are going about it in the wrong way. But who the hell am I to judge, right?

So, Steve Martin, a pale imitation of Peter Sellers, introduces himself, donning a moustache that not even I can believe, to the tune of the Pink Panther. I do, however, have to give proper credit for an amusing gag where Steve whips out his id to show Kevin Kline, one of two foils in this movie, as he introduces himself as Inspector Clouseau and the badge hurls at Kline and sticks in his chest.

It’s all downhill after that.

We’re introduced to his partner, Jean Reno, who seems to be Clouseau’s handler more than anything else. In our first viewing of Reno, Martin and he are walking down a street. Wearing an embarrassing beret Martin lets Reno know that he’s going to attack him to keep him vigilant. (Huh?) Apart from me not understanding the purpose Reno, though, gets him first by sucker punching him in the face. The absurd facial expression that Martin contorts into puts me at a loss to explain what’s supposed to be funnier, his mugging or the fact that Reno hit him first.

The two of them next visit a crime scene where a dead guy is on the floor. Reno explains that what happened to the man was fatal. “How fatal?” is the quip back from Martin. Ha, we’re supposed to say, but I’m seriously not even cracking a smile. What the hell am I watching, I’m asking myself.

Next is a look at the moment where Martin is trying to cut into a piece of glass to get into a drug store late at night. Why he’s trying to cut into glass, while other cars are whizzing by, is beyond me. He makes a circular motion to imply that he’s going to only take small part of the window out the whole thing but, except for the middle he’s cut out, everything shatters around him. That was amusing, I’ll admit that.

After that, Steve puts on a blue light on top of his car (the lights that cops in the old days would put in their dash like in the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” video) and of course it falls off as he’s taking a corner and gets an old lady in the forehead. Nice try, but that’s lame. Seriously.

Beyonce Knowles gets introduced after that gag and I start to wonder why it is that pop singers suddenly feel that they have what it takes to make it as an actor in this business. Far be it from me to judge because I’m sure everyone around her tells her how great she is at everything she does I don’t, however, have to feel secure just because she’s in a film. I’m a little bit less interested that she is, but there’s nothing in this trailer that shows even what kind of part she’s playing so what’s the point other than the fact she can walk well down a street.

The trailer ends with Martin falling down some steps to a subway but it’s not amusing to me to spend the time trying to explain it.

I really am a fan of Steve Martin. There is more than enough to support the assertion that he was definitely one of the best men working in comedy in the early ’80s. With careers of Chevy Chase going the route of a VEGAS VACATION and of Bill Murray’s going the way of Oscar-worthy performances, one has to say that Steve seems inexorably caught right in the middle of these SNL alums. I don’t know why that’s the case but one look at this trailer is more than enough reason for me to withhold my box office dollars from this turkey.

Director: Frank Miller, Robert Rodriguez
Cast: Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Elijah Wood, Maria Bello, Bruce Willis, Benicio Del Toro, Michael Clarke Duncan, Carla Gugino, Josh Hartnett, Michael Madsen, Jaime King, Brittany Murphy, Clive Owen, Mickey Rourke, Nick Stahl, and the rest of Hollywood’s elite.
Release: April 1, 2005
Synopsis: An adaptation of Frank Miller’s stories based in the fictional town of Sin City. Chief amongst the town’s residents is Marv, who trawls the darkest areas of town looking for the person who killed his one true love, Goldie.

Prognosis: Positive, I guess. This one’s complex so let me just break things down.

The trailer essentially does all the talking. There are no voiceovers and no descriptive cards letting us know how everything fits together. This alone deserves a golf clap.

We first see the image of Marv as realized in comic form by Frank Miller. The live action comes right after with Mickey Rourke smoking a cigarette, looking like a pastiche of assorted foreheads and chins from DICK TRACY. Black and white seems to be where Rodriguez wants to take this and it looks wonderful. Color, though, is used to highlight his girlfriend’s, Goldie, blonde hair and of the red silk on the bed that both her and Marv shared. Cops are coming for Marv and he hears them right outside his flophouse apartment door. He busts through the front door, though, before they can get in, Hulk-style, with both biceps flexed.

Hartigan’s next with Miller’s depiction of the old guy. Obviously, Willis is a younger stand-in from the comic but with X-MEN’s success we can see how film adaptations can benefit with the bending of the rules. He’s in a seedy bar looking for Nancy Callahan. Jessica Alba is Nancy in all her showgirl glory. The music chosen is sultry, the colors used to accentuate her dancer outfit are really choice, and the way she moves is alluring even for the few seconds we see her. Actually, it’s really alluring. Now, even though some artistic license is being taken with the characters I’m a bit torn on the way they decided to go with having Nick Stahl as the yellow guy in the film. It’s really cartoonish but if helps to serve the plot then, oh well.

Dwight, as played by Clive Owen, is up next and he’s as every bit of tough guy as he is a handsome chap out for some trouble. Dwight’s voiceover shows some of Benicio Del Toro’s character as well as some of the other dangerous ladies of Sin City. Some great angles are all cobbled together to create some tension leading into the final half of this trailer. Even Marv’s character has some “weight” as a real person and not some Sunday morning funnies cutout.

There is a moment when a car flips over after going off the side of the road where it does feel slightly artificial but then we’re back into things with a rundown of all the people who are starring in this production.

Alexis Bledel is one who immediately caught my attention as her claim to colorization in this film is her stunning blue eyes and Jamie King gets some props for her blonde locks. Brittany Murphy and Rosario Dawson, however, get nothing but shrinkage from me as I couldn’t get a feel for what parts they are supposed to command although I am sure there are Miller aficionados who could easily tell me how they fit into everything. Elijah Wood’s mysterious appearance as a pair of whitely illuminated spectacles was visually impressive as was all the other cut-scenes included right after his introduction. I’ll take a guess here, as I can’t know for sure because the credits didn’t list her in the trailer, but it may have been Devon Aoki’s moves that I rate second best to Jessica Alba’s. Shurikens always hold a dear place in my heart and I believe it was she who was the one tossing them at one point in this thing as well as the wielding of two samurai-sized blades, descending from a high place in the city towards the camera below.

I do also have to give some love to Marv’s mention that you “can walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can find anything” as the visuals pull back from the city proper, the camera turning, revealing the title of the film. That’s nice.

Now, after seeing this, though, I am still left unsure as to how I should feel about the movie. So much of what I saw did remind me, in a bad way, of DICK TRACY. However, much of everything else had me wanting to see how all these stars come together to tell one of the greatest gritty noir crime stories in the last fifteen years. I’m conflicted and I’m not sure why. Hopefully more footage will either secure my spot one way or the other.

Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, Kate Beckinsale, Gwen Stefani, Adam Scott
Release: December 25, 2004
Synopsis: A biopic depicting the early years of legendary director and aviator Howard Hughes’ career, from the late 1920’s to the mid-1940’s.

Prognosis: Positive. I received an interesting email a while ago.

Someone asked if I had reviewed the AVIATOR trailer since it was about to go wide in theaters soon. I wrote back letting this person know that, yeah, I looked at almost six months ago when it was just starting to get noticed as a holiday movie. I also commented that I thought that Gwen Stefani yanked me straight back to reality when I saw her preening little mug as she walked down the red carpet with Leo; I didn’t know if it was supposed to be a movie or a clip from her new video. He wrote back and wanted to know if I would give the new trailer a look because the new one did away with trying to showcase her as being in it. I was down to compare and contrast, an activity that most likely sends chills up the spine for anyone who struggled with English 101 or 102, and see if in fact things had improved. I don’t usually get these kinds of requests but I decided since the movie was looking to be an Oscar contender this year and since it looks a lot better than the FAT ALBERT tripe that will be vying for Christmas dollars this weekend I had to do anything I could to make sure no one gets the bright idea to ever turn a great cartoon into a worse-yet farce of a film.

I could’ve just B.S.’d here and say, “yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s great, it’s wicked”¦” but I’m serious when I say that his new version of the trailer meshes big budget with big concept in a way that excites me. True, there’s no flaming arrows, but for some odd hetero reason I am oddly pulled in by Leo’s charming tractor beam. I was a fairly big fan of CATCH ME IF YOU CAN but nothing quite that matches to the star wattage the man exudes in this new trailer.

Here’s what I like about the new trailer:

The thing begins with a nice buildup to who this movie is all about. Howard Hughes was a man obsessed, in more ways than one, with flying and we immediately get that with this new trailer. The old trailer was nearly identical in focusing on Howard but we lose focus on the flying aspect and get pushed into the many different ways he was a womanizer and player. Then, in the old trailer, Hughes says how he wants to build a plane that is able to reach heights never before imagined in commercial aviation. By the time this plotline is put out there and developed the old trailer has already wasted its time with shoving too many discordant ideas that don’t inform the essence of the film.

The new trailer dispenses with trying to wear so many hats so quickly.

The same thoughts are put out there but in a series that makes sense to us, the valued audience. First he has his grand idea for planes, then he puts his idea in action, and, lastly, and only then, does the poon hunt begin. Gwen Stefani, I am happy to report, is merely a blur in this new one. Two thumbs up for that, my friends. (What is her allure anyway? She looks like a lanky man-child cross-dresser who hasn’t quite mastered that whole femininity thing)

Additionally, the old trailer focuses heavily on the scandal surrounding Hughes. Mostly, it seems, it obsesses about the way he had many a dalliance with many a lady. The old trailer makes it seem like it’s a movie based on how Howard wanted to create this larger than life airplane but gets caught up in the tabloids. Ok, that’s fine if it wanted to sell it that way, but it doesn’t sound like the Oscar contender people said it was. In its defense there was, though, that awesome shot of the plane Leo’s flying of it ripping into the side of a building. That’s about it, though. It kind of game me a “Meh” kind of a feeling. The new trailer builds off the story but punches these things up in a way that can now get people excited.

Por ejemplo, the womanizing and the threat of scandal still exists in the second, more recent, trailer but it’s built upon to give Hughes more depth. We’re given more facets of who he is on the inside. In one instance we get a nice moment as he talks to Cate Blanchett. He tells her about how he thinks he gets ideas about things that “may not really be there.” Good! Now we’re cooking with gas. The man was slowly deteriorating, mentally, but the first trailer never gives us that. That’s the meat of the whole film because all you have, otherwise, is just a movie about a tycoon who had an obsession with planes and chased a lot of tail. If that was the case, and that’s all you needed to make an award worthy movie, then I’m first in line to buy the rights to Chuck Yeager’s life story. Howard Hughes had a great amount of money and, like some of the planes he flew, spun out of control with severe force. That’s the story.

One of the other nice touches to this trailer is one of the moments where, and all you regular watchers of Oprah saw this (God, I am sorry for ever mentioning that, but in my defense it was one of my wife’s saved TiVo shows and I snuck a peek), but in one scene he obsessively asks for blueprints. Asks for them. Asks for them again. And again. And again. And again. It’s a great scene and it’s not bold that it was put in here, it was absolutely needed in order to show how this man was afflicted by mental illness.

The last moments of this new trailer show a feeble Hughes (big fan of the moustache) trying to hold onto the reigns of reality but slowly losing the fight. The other scenes here champion this man’s wild younger days and I even get a treat in seeing the scene where Leo rips into the side of a building is still preserved.

This is what big budget should look like.

Director: Florent Emilio Siri
Cast: Bruce Willis, Kevin Pollak, Jonathan Tucker, Ben Foster, Jimmy Bennett
Release: March 11, 2005
Synopsis: Jeff Talley, a former LAPD hostage negotiator, has moved himself away from his failed career outside of Los Angeles, and away from his wife and daughter. When a convenience store robbery goes wrong in his turf, the three perpetrators move in on an unsuspecting family. But the family’s father has a secret which might compromise his kin, and one of the criminals is about to jump over the edge. Jeff Talley has to get everybody to survive the night……if he can.

Prognosis: Negative I’ll be one the first to publicly admit that I never thought that Bruce Willis was much of an actor, per se. Sure, he was an icon to me as a young child, a veritable laugh riot, in BLIND DATE and was a hero among men who had an entire genre built around the words “It’s like DIE HARD in a”¦” when he played John McClane.

He has, however, only had moments of greatness that seem to come in spurts. His acting was excellent in both 6TH SENSE and the criminally underrated UNBREAKABLE. Even 12 MONKEYS kept me glued to my chair. So what, then, does the future hold for him in his latest, HOSTAGE?

Not a whole lot of anything, actually.

Man, sometimes you just expect something to work better than an amalgam of THE NEGOTIATOR, PANIC ROOM and other hackneyed yarns that weave together in a most unflattering way but there’s a reason why this is all too terrible and allow me to break it down as to why that is.

Trailer starts off with a nice, soothing score.

Willis seems to be the head policeman in what is referred to as a “small town.” Nothing seems to happen in this “small town” but our po-po is hiding a big secret. Ooo”¦

We next see a very expensive looking crib, sitting on top a hill, looking down to other affluent homes in this sleepy little valley town. It is a fortress that has an array of security cameras. That doesn’t stop a group of thugs, here represented by the not too stereotypical dirtbags with greasy hair and a bad fashion sense, who are breaking into the place in the middle of the day.

Some things happen that prompt a cop to check and see if everything is alright, but of course the cop is popped, turning this into a major ordeal.

DIE HARD Flashback #1: Willis’ car is shot up as he tries to get to the home.

DIE HARD Flashback #2: The thugs lock the place down so no one can get in or out. Vault doors secure the exits, security bars cover the windows, etc”¦

After everyone pretty much knows that this is a bad situation Willis calls in everyone in the phone book listed under “Hostage Situation” in this “small town’s” yellow pages and I am amazed how quick these people are able to materialize. I guess Joe Bob and John Johnson who run the hardware store next to the deli that serves hot pie are also trained in SWAT and demolitions operations.

DIE HARD Flashback #3: The FBI comes in and one of Willis’ co-workers let him know that “they’re no longer in command here.” The FBI is.

Hmm”¦then the originality starts. It seems that another group of thugs waits for Willis to go back to his car so they can put a gun to Willis’ head and let him know that either he goes in and gets what those kids, who look like tweakers on a weekend bender of crystal meth, went in there in the first place looking for or they’ll kill his family.

DIE HARD Flashback #4 & #5: A kid inside calls Willis on a cell phone and only talks to Willis. The same kid knows how to get around the house through the air vents.

Are they kidding me with this? Sadly, no. We press on anyway.

The house somehow explodes into flames (DH Flashback #6) and there are a whole lot of incomprehensible cut scenes which don’t really inform me as they do confound the issue of how the hell Willis gets in through the front door and other more practical questions that just serve to confuse me.

Does anyone know if this movie is supposed to be taking place on Christmas Eve? Anyone? Anyone?

Director: Lee Tamahori
Cast: Ice Cube, Willem Dafoe, Samuel L Jackson, Scott Speedman, Peter Strauss, Sunny Mabrey
Release: April 29th, 2005
Synopsis: Darius Stone, a new agent in the XXX program, is sent to Washington, DC to diffuse a power struggle amongst national leaders.

Prognosis: Negative. I can’t believe my eyes or my mouth as I say this: maybe Vin Diesel was right to Just Say No when offered the part to do XXX part 2.

This had the markings of a sequel that could’ve built considerably on its predecessor and learned from what made it good in the first place, cutting out all the junk that didn’t fly, but what has happened here, apparently, is that the directors and script writers just decided to toss promise out the window and let mediocrity be its guide.

“In the center of American power”¦”

The trailer starts off with throaty voiceover guy. Here, in this trailer, he’s actually the best thing about the whole two minutes. He does his best to really play up the importance of what is actually happening on the screen; we get an outside view of Washington D.C. and the interior of a very nice looking legislative session where a lot of important white guys conceivably are drilling the American public in the rear making crappy policies to ruin their lives.

Before I can dwell on the bombastic talking from one of the important federal officials at the podium there seems to be an underground attack by a bunch of dudes who are dressed all in black with infrared hoo-haas all over their faces and body while carrying big guns. I like that. I’m very appreciative of wanton violence but all they’re doing is walking. No one has even fired a bullet yet. Then, before I’m able to try and get pumped for an armed confrontation, Willem Dafoe shows up. Willem Dafoe. Somewhere, something dies a little bit inside of me. Guess it’s that time of the year when interest payments are needed on that extra extra large townhouse that’s being built on the French Riviera.

Ok, so what happens, I take it, is that someone attacks the XXX facility. (Oh yeah, I can tell you it was the XXX facility because they have a big red ass XXX logo on the outside of their underground lair. What government body puts logos, like they’re competing for mall space next to a Sbarro’s and Charlotte Russe, on its facilities? Dopes.) Well, I am happy to tell you that Samuel L. Jackson makes it out ok but he says to one of the guys working with him, who I assume also survived the melee, that they now need to work “off the grid.” That’s what I thought XXX already was. Sigh. Oh well, shows you how much I was paying attention during the first one.

Anyway, for some reason Samuel needs a felon to help him out but not just any felon, mind you. As it’s told to us by a very tidy man standing in front of a large video screen with a lot of other little screens showing other vitals on our man, Ice Cube, he’s a top notch guy with a bunch of stellar experience. The problem is, da-da-da dummm, he has an attitude problem. Oh yeah, also, just to let you know, Ice Cube is also shown running off the top of the penitentiary where he was kept and catching the leg of a helicopter that’s taking off in what I can only guess is some sort of prison break.

Does anyone out there understand that Ice Cube doing that is a joke? It’s funny, not adventurous. Anthony LaPaglia said he always wanted to do that in SO I MARRIED AN AX MURDERER because he had seen it in so many cop shows. It’s not impressive here as it is a cruel, played out exercise in lazy writing. It’s like a cop saying he’s “too old for this” when something wacky happens. But, whatever, I’m not the one getting paid for this film.

So, we move past that, find out that Ice led a mutiny against a 4-star general and instead of being shot on site and mutilated by a pack of hungry wolverines he was allowed to live. However, his identity was erased forever in government computers. (I love the smell of plausibility in the morning. It smells like”¦THE ROCK) Ice is then recruited to be the new XXX, he makes a lame one-liner, and then I rejoice when the quick clips start rolling. Guns are loaded, cars are rolling fast down a city street late at night, fists are flying, and I finally perk up.

The plot then mentions Willem as a man who is going to take over the capital. I don’t know how, Ice says he’s gonna do it with a bunch of tanks and choppers, but, really, c’mon, the whole city? I give up at this point because we know the eventual outcome won’t be Willem’s conquering of the city but we believe it anyway just to see where this all goes.

It’s about here where I have to give big-ups to the trailer makers. The plot is finally established and as the movie president is giving a speech the lights go out throughout the entire capital. Some operatic music starts to chime in, Ice goes hot as he unleashes his machine gun bad assery, ropes are dangling from roofs where bad guys are repelling into someplace, some hot blonde chick throws herself at Ice, and then we get some tricked out 1968 Ford Torino (at least that’s what it looks like) that’s appears to have been on MTV’s Pimp My Ride, and stuff just blows up from here.

The last 30 seconds of this trailer are really great; it makes me want to see this mindless crap, seriously. I like that everything near the end is either in flames or is about to get reduced to splinters. I appreciate Ice’s astute quote about his soldiers to which Samuel tries to guess which famous general said it but Ice just deadpans it when he says, “Tupac.” Ha, now that’s why I’ll see the film. Not for the shoddy exposition and lead-in that represents ¾ of the running time for this thing. Don’t over think a movie like this. In fact, don’t make me think at all.

Director: Christopher Smith
Cast: Franka Potente, Sean Harris, Vas Blackwood, Jeremy Sheffield, Ken Campbell
Release: Whenever they decide Americans are worthy enough to see it in 2005
Synopsis: Trapped in a London subway station, a woman who’s being pursued by a potential attacker heads into the unknown labyrinth of tunnels beneath the city’s streets.

Prognosis: Positive. This is nice.

I am a fairly big fan of Franka Potante’s work, RUN LOLA RUN being an obvious starting point for my passion in regard to her ability, but this trailer is most excellent in teasing what could be a very effective thriller.

The thing starts off with heavy breathing. Not the kind you have to pay $3.99 a minute for but the kind that comes from laborious exertion.

The camera opens up on a subway entrance. There is no one around and everything is nearly clinically white. The fluorescent lighting and the waxed floor make it next to impossible to even discern what time it is. What’s effective is that with the heavy breathing the camera moves forward slowly and jitters a bit as if it’s in the first-person perspective.

The panting continues as the camera comes to the stairs leading down to the subway platform. The haunting noise in the background just completes the surrealist vibe of such an empty place being filled with so much suspense.

We finally see Franka awaken suddenly in the tunnel as she was catching a few winks before her ride home and realizes she missed the last train for the night. She’s the last one at the subway stop.

She yells out “Hello?” through a gate that is now locked behind her.

The next scene is her walking through a stopped, darkened subway train that was nearby in the tunnel and asks if someone’s there (I sure as hell would never ever do that. I would probably start crying as soon as I figured out I was left in a subway all alone). Franka finds some hands at the end of the subway car of someone trying to pull themselves up from below. It’s a guy in a suit and he looks beaten all to hell. Before he says the word help he is dragged down under the car. Franka takes off, as quick as she can, through the subway terminal hoping to find help of her own.

The camera takes a break from focusing on her as we have a nameless man standing inside a subway car, wielding a tire iron (what the hell is it doing in a subway?), and looking like he knows that trouble is afoot. He’s ready to throw down but Franka is nowhere to be found.

A bunch of odd snippets show more of Franka running through the bowels of this subway station with someone being dragged down a causeway, a different guy looking afraid for his life, lots of water, a long looking pig sticker that is searching for a warm body cavity to be stuck in, more of Franka running, and then a shot of Franka finally settling down in a corner, alone, with only her flashlight to keep her safe.

What’s really freaky, in a SAW kind of way, is that the trailer ends with someone begging “No, please” as a wind-up toy plays on a bookshelf, being book ended by a couple of pickled fetuses, with our killer walking slowly toward his prey with a ferocious looking blade. And that’s it.

Nice. I like to see that the horror genre isn’t dead and this film only has a UK release date so far. I hope you bloody limeys would be so kind as to punt a word or two about whether or not this film lives up to this auspicious trailer because we’re not even on the distribution map yet.

Director: Gore Verbinski
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine, Hope Davis, Gemmenne de la Peña, Nicholas Hoult
Release: April 1, 2005
Synopsis: A weather man who lives with his wife and kids in Chicago must deal with problems which arise from wanting to move to New York.

Prognosis: Positive. Fun Fact #378 about me: I think I’m the only one alive who liked THE MEXICAN.

I was doubly bowled over for what Gore Verbinski did with THE RING. Too many people got bogged down, I think, looking back at that crap film MOUSE HUNT and kept it at that. True, that was a horrid affair, but if we look at what the man’s been able to do since then he has shown that he can really assist well in telling a great story. He has done some moves that can put to shame any Michael Bay’s or Brett Ratner’s of the static camera world. The man deserves credit for what he can do and this trailer, for THE WEATHER MAN, is no different.

The trailer is a symphony of soft moments, punching humor and the sense that there is something very good that will come out of Nicholas Cage that won’t have anything to do with whoring Aquafina or have any part of Visa’s win everything you put yourself in debt for this year promotion. And that’s a good thing once in a while.

Right out of the gate this thing grabs your attention with its attention to visual style. What we have here is Nicholas Cage as a weather man who works in Chicago (I notice that Cage’s weatherman is in a station that looks almost exactly like WGN.). A couple of people watch him at home, the weather itself rather gloomy and grey right outside their windows, and the husband comments how he doesn’t like the way he looks. The wife disagrees.

Cage’s voiceover mentions how he really only has to work two hours a day reading a teleprompter. As he walks along a street, having this inner dialogue, someone tries to get his attention as they chuck a chocolate milkshake (Wendy’s, I think) at his head. The scene pauses at the moment of impact. They miss and get his shoulder.

He mentions how this happens regularly. A Styrofoam container of chicken nuggets makes contact with his noggin. Ditto for the half-eaten burrito and the large Coke.

I’m laughing my ass off at this point. I appreciate the slow-mo connecting shots of these items hitting Cage and the calm way he explains this freak occurrence.

Michael Caine is Cage’s father and he, himself, doesn’t understand the phenomenon of why someone would throw something at his son.

Cage has an overweight daughter who seems miserable in her own life as does Cage. Michael mentions that he should help his daughter find something new in her life. Caine seems to care about his son and it’s endearing. What’s more is that we’re not even into the heart of the story yet I am completely convinced of their relationship. Cage mentions how his father was a great writer and was a great father.

Caine then has a slight voiceover as he essentially says that, as a parent, you never stop worrying about your children. It’s sweet but it doesn’t feel like a saccharine lie. In fact, we move in the other direction rather quickly as Cage packs a snowball from the end of a driveway, hoping to hit his wife in the back in a loving sort of way. She turns around and catches it with her face. She’s also wearing glasses. Again, people getting hit with things are always funny as long as you can make it original.

Cage sincerely tries to help his daughter find a new interest, it happens to be archery, as he tries to grapple with his own inability to satisfy simple requests, like bringing home tartar sauce for dinner. He’s making his way through a rough patch in his life.

“Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing?”

Michael Caine cares deeply for his son and it appears he is the patriarch that Cage needs in his life so he can also be one for his own children. Cage appears fired up to take on a life that’s been pushing him around for a while.

There are some wonderful quick clips of the transformation that takes place somewhere in this film’s running time and there’s even a glib mention Cage makes that no one throws things anymore at him; not since he’s been carrying around a bow and arrow, anyway. And what happens is we see this man, with a trench coat on, walking downtown Chicago with a bow and arrow draped around his shoulders like a Roman waiting for a tiger to leap out from around a tree.

With Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger” giving this trailer something more than late 80’s era techno crap that has been so pervasive lately, this is a trailer that is a wonder to watch and a joy to listen to; I went and bought the single.

Director: Tim Burton
Cast: Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, David Kelly, Anna Sophia Robb, Helena Bonham Carter
Release: July 15, 2005
Synopsis: Charlie Bucket (Freddie Highmore), a boy from an impoverished family under the shadow of a giant chocolate factory, wins a candy bar contest and is given a tour, along with four other children, of the amazing factory run by the eccentric Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp) and his staff of Oompa-Loompas.

Prognosis: Positive. First, you hear a cymbal getting rap-a-tap-tapped. The screen’s black so you don’t know quite what’s going on.

Then, off-camera, Johnny Depp speaks up and says, very matter-of-fact, “Let’s boogie.” At least I think it was Johnny Depp but more on that in second.

Some double doors open up to a wild confectionary candyland that truly only Tim Burton could’ve conceived. It looks like a cross between Beetlejuice’s tabletop town and a stage production of A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: LIVE. Then, the oddest tune starts to play. It sounds like Oompa-Loompa music. I say this only because if there was one instance when a kind of music was truly sonically representative of a class of orange midgets, this would be it.

While these erratic noises of brass and timpani all go off we get a quick view of all our favorite, rotten little children. There’s Violet, Mike, Veruca Salt (Still love that band”¦), and, of course, Charlie Bucket.

They are all here on display but one would be quite challenged to make anything more than a couple things out in the nauseating and dizzying pace this teaser is hell bent on going.

From what I can make out, though, the filmmakers have the style of the golden tickets down pat just as they were more than two decades ago. That may not seem like much, but it is.

Mike still seems to be the most unlikable little crap bucket that ever had two parents, Augustus Gloop still ranks gluttony as his number one divine sin in the world, but then, suddenly, we get a full frontal of Willy himself. I still don’t know what to make of Depp’s Wonka but he looks crazed, looney, pale, and has a wispy Beatles-style haircut that almost makes him appear to be a deprived child molester that was just set free in a schoolyard. I do apologize for anyone who was ever allegedly at Neverland Ranch, but I calls “˜em likes I sees “˜em.

The crazy boat ride appears to be very surreal; the watery flow of chocolate under the boat’s hull looks delish.

That shrink room where Mike transports himself via TV waves still has that groovy washed-out white vibe to it, and the discordant images just start fleeing by at a pace too rapid to make any sense until”¦

Augustus falls into the chocolate river.

That scene could really be where Burton cranks the skeeve factor to 11 if he gets creative with the young boys misery. I will say, though, wherever Depp is going with Wonka’s new personality in this compared to Gene Wilder’s old one, he is really making a break from the old.

Director: F. Gary Gray
Cast: John Travolta, Uma Thurman, The Rock, Christina Milian, Vince Vaughn, Danny DeVito
Release: March 4, 2005
Synopsis: The continuing adventures of Chili Palmer, strong-arm debt collector turned Hollywood movie producer. By the time the story begins, Chili has abandoned the fickle movie industry. And so his adventures, this time around, concern the music industry where he becomes the promoter of a struggling singer who is being pursued by the Russian mafia.

Prognosis: Positive Yes, I liked the first one.

There was something about Chili Palmer, the way Travolta played him after his “comeback” was heralded in Hollywood as if no one had ever done it before. The movie was just a fun romp and it’s odd that it’s been ten years, an entire decade, since someone was able to cobble together a new one.

It was worth it.

The first thing I thought of when I heard of this film coming down the pike I dropped to both my knees and just prayed that another Elmore Leonard wouldn’t be savagely butchered like the BIG BOUNCE was earlier this year. Well, in all honesty, I don’t know that for sure as I didn’t go near that thing after enough cautious warnings from poor souls who went told me that the story was disjointed and it didn’t really have anything more than a cheap look at some crazy chick’s cans. I stayed away and the box office said all it needed to say.

Here, though, we already know that Chili wanted to get into movies and, hence, GET SHORTY. While that movie lambasted filmmaking for all its pretension and glitz seems to take a different angle in this one as it appears to blow up, in all its stereotypes, the music business.

The trailer starts with Chili wanting to get out of pictures and into music. Simple as that. The plot is quickly gotten to, a big plus in my book, and the events are set in motion quite rapidly. How hard is that to do? Most studios take the entire two and a half minutes in a trailer to get to the friggin’ point. I appreciate that, MGM. Gracias.

One thing that is not going to be par for the course is attention to reality. Within the first few seconds we get thugs who look like they’re straight out of a comic book (with all the dark clothing to match), Russian mafia guys who look every bit like you think they would, and one young up-and-coming star who already is in real life so where’s the conceit? These are small quibbles, though, as the trailer matures like a 13 year-old boy.

So Chili wants to be the up-an-coming star’s manager but she has to let her other manager know that Chili’s taking her away from his control. Since the music scene here is all built around the urban scene I was figuring that a black guy would be in charge. I was surprised to see Vince Vaughn but he believes, just like B-Rad from MALIBU’S MOST WANTED (Blech, sorry for dropping that movie title in this column. Won’t happen again.) that he’s every bit from the street. The whole cross-cultural white guys thinking they’re black and vise versa only gets old when old white guys, like Steve Martin, start to employ the gag.

Now, I lose the plot right about here as Uma Thurman comes in as Chili’s record producer. I’m fairly sure that’s the case but I’m busy watching her tie up her bikini top. That’s ok though that I get a little spotty on the events here as all we really need to know at this point is that she’s on Chili’s side. After that’s established here’s where things really speed up.

The Rock is in this movie and he has a kick-ass afro. What’s funny about him is that, at one point in this trailer, he’s in a cowboy supply store and he is purchasing a pair of skin-tight, powder blue pants with a very silky white shirt. He twists in front of the display mirror so he can check himself out, grabs his own butt with a vigor that I am sure a certain percentage, if social statistics are any indication, will enjoy and yells out, “Scorchin’!” After this, in a different scene, Chili is talking The Rock up and telling him he has a certain look. He has “The” look. The Rock seems impressed and gives us an eyebrow raise that many of you “wrasling”enjoyers will find amusing. I’ll admit it: I had a laugh. That’s funny and The Rock can be damn funny.

The giggles and chortles keep coming as we move over to André 3000. From Outkast to the big screen the man, here, seems to be playing a hard core rap artist in this flick. We only see him talking only one time but when he does it’s after he discharges a pistol inside a house. Everyone freaks but his quip back, too lame to transcribe here as a joke described is a joke unfunny, is appropriate. Cedric the Entertainer (I always roll my eyes when I have to write that man’s name.) has a good bit as he harasses a man who is tied and gagged in the back of an H2. The SUV is parked in the front driveway to his house and his little girl waves goodbye as she heads off to school. All his bullet-proof vest posse turn around and wave back with smiles as the two H2’s parked in front spin their obnoxious rims. That, again, to me is not only stupid as it is derivative, not to mention a decade too late to be relevant, but it makes me laugh.

There are a lot of people in this thing (It’s the thing to do, nowadays. Amp up the star power in your flicks) but it doesn’t ever seem overwhelming. This movie looks like a solid Saturday afternoon picture, maybe one you’ll only want to watch once, but it does like an enjoyable once.

Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast:Tom Cruise, Miranda Otto, Dakota Fanning, Tim Robbins, James DuMont
Release: June 29th, 2005
Synopsis: A contemporary retelling of H.G. Wells’s seminal classic, the sci-fi adventure thriller reveals the extraordinary battle for the future of humankind through the eyes of one American family fighting to survive it.

Prognosis: Negative. Are the rumors really true that it wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that the budget for this thing is through the roof beyond anything that’s ever been filmed?

I don’t know what’s true and what’s not but I will go on record as saying that the poster design is really very good. I’m not sure if that’s the same one that will be hanging come next June, studio heads would most likely explode if at least one of the posters didn’t have Tom’s mug at least 80% of the size of the damn thing itself, but I like it a lot. I even really dig the way we come into the trailer.

“No one would’ve believed in the early years of the 20th century that our world was being watched”¦”

Yeah, the effects are good but I will say that the voiceover guy is a bit cheesy. I almost want to put my hands to my cheeks, shake my head side to side, and feign like I’m really scared and actually question if aliens had indeed watched us through the last century. The voice just drones on and on about how aliens were enjoying the show for the last century and how we went about our daily lives like miniature Truman Shows to little green men with big bug eyes.

Seriously, is this trailer going to start soon?

The closest I get to a chub-on is when the streetlights of a small town start to flicker as a more colorful light show starts to take place on the horizon of this Smallville of sorts. It’s the very same wicked red, yellow and green alien spaceship color that begins to get more and more intense. The town looks almost good enough to not pass as a soundstage-constructed neighborhood. Almost.

Yeah, I get that H.G. Wells’ own words are fodder for this voiceover guy’s rant but, damn, if I wanted a book on tape I’d go to Barnes and Noble. (Maybe Borders, though, as they have a sweet collection of foreign DVDs)

Things really start to cook, near the one minute, twenty-two second mark of this two minute trailer as this small town just gets decimated by an alien blast of intense proportions. I am chanting in tongues about the wondrous pyrotechnics but then I am yanked back, abruptly, into a black, quiet abyss.

For the last twenty-five seconds I am made to see Tom Cruise’s name in all its full frame glory, followed by Steven Spielberg’s in the exact same size, with a tag line that says “They’re already here.”

I am not teased by this trailer at all.

In fact I would like to go on record and call this a cheap goosing by Katie Carpenter in the hallway of Barrington High School Sophomore year when I wasn’t looking and, therefore, didn’t fully enjoy it than I would anything resembling a tease with this trailer.

I mean, damn, you have THE guy who wrote JURASSIC PARK, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, SPIDER-MAN, PANIC ROOM, STIR OF ECHOES, etc”¦ and not a lick of dialogue? Not even so much as a peep at Tom Cruise? I’m comfortable who I am as a straight male and my own sexuality when I say I enjoy looking at the guy but I feel just jilted I didn’t see him here.

Ok, it’s a tease. I get that. Just wake me up when there’s something to show for all the budgetary hype surrounding this movie.

Director: Jim Fleigner
Cast: John Michael Bolger, Matthew Borish, Michael Dean, Aaron Fiore, Soren Fulton, Sam Semenza
Release: Coming Soon to a Film Festival Near You
Synopsis: Twelve-year olds Joe, Tiger and Chris break out of Little League baseball camp to secretly trail Joe’s parents, who have lied to Joe about a mysterious trip they’re taking. The boys must piece together clues, avoid their parents, dodge the police, trust a stranger ““ and not destroy their friendships in the process ““ during an adventurous road trip in their last summer before junior high. In the spirit of Stand By Me, Rounding First is a coming-of-age dramedy set in the summer of 1980.

Prognosis: Positive. I’m a pretty big fan of The Cars.

Yeah, we all wonder how a man that looks like Lurch’s emaciated younger brother managed to land a piece of tail like supermodel Paulina Porizkova but The Cars made great music in the 80’s. Here, then, the song “Let The Good Times Roll” is played through the duration of Jim Fleigner’s trailer for ROUNDING FIRST.

I like the song and it fits with the laid-back cool of a movie that celebrates the friendship of three young boys who appear to be just coming-of-age.

Since there’s really nothing to go off of in terms of having this a well-known project the story really has to be told within the time allotted for the trailer. Fortunately, it does it well.

What we have, as events unfold, are three kids who are enjoying a summer together. They’re busted early on by the cops and driven back home with a waiting mother in the driveway, one of the kids’ father is a cop who tells him to stay away from the other (we’ve all had one of those kind of friends but those were the ones who the very best to have in one’s social pocket), there’s some ding-dong-ditch tomfoolery against a rather corpulent lady in a very unflattering muumuu (I preferred egging. The sound, as its body crushed against the side of a house with aluminum siding, was glorious), and other things that boys just do when they’re that age.

There seems to also be a sub-plot with one of the parents talking about moving, the threat being of a possible breaking up of the triumphant trio, and the boys react just as anyone else would with impending doom: run away from home.

They’re on a journey somewhere, we aren’t clued in specifically with any destination, but these three boys are picked up by a drifter. Now, as a screenwriter, you could take this story as it was and make a movie out of it one way or go the route of a homicidal maniac who likes to harm young boys. The path chosen here, unfortunately, is one where the boys tag along with the strange man who watches over them in a way, sticks up a Gas N’ Go along the way, letting them shoplift whatever they want, before things slowly break down into tangible plot pieces. Oh well.

The end result here is rather gripping. The boys question whether or not running away from home was a good idea, one seems to lose it emotionally and cries like a lovelorn school girl (sitting next to a toilet no less), and the kidnapper/rebel without-a-Remington- Micro-Blade-to-take-away-his-George-Michael-stubble looks like he may actually not give himself up in the end. That would be nice. Dad’s a cop, crazy man abducts some kids, mentions not wanting to go to prison, independent picture with no real mass audience to serve”¦I smell shootout.

In all, this looks like a great small film. The production values on some of the graphics used are a little computerish but that’s really forgiven easily because of what this trailer does: It gives me, from start to finish, an idea of what’s at stake for the protagonists, a whiff of the complications that ensue through the resolution of their problems and an ambiguous idea of where this story might end. I know that doesn’t seem like much but that’s really what’s needed, basically, in a trailer to make it serviceable. This trailer exceeds that and it has me wondering what is going to happen with these boys.

And to the priest whose house I accidentally double-egged (holding two in my right hand, getting just the right loft) when I was twelve, I swear I didn’t know it was your house until my friend told me as we were running home, evading the police.

Director: Doug Liman
Cast: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Adam Brody
Release: June 10th, 2005
Synopsis: John and Jane Smith are an ordinary suburban couple with an ordinary, lifeless suburban marriage. But each of them has a secret — they are actually both legendary assassins working for competing organizations. When the truth comes out, John and Jane end up in each other’s cross-hairs.

Prognosis: Positive. I need more beautiful people in this one. I just do.

The trailer opens stealthily with Brad having a gun tucked in the back of his pants.

Next, at a different locale, Angelina holsters a knife in a thigh-high sheath.

We’re off to a great start with all the mystery surrounding this flick and right away the trailer people have to start effin’ up the works with the old “deaf or blind” approach; this is characterized by having the voice over guy repeat, verbatim, the words that I see on the screen. Are the studios trying to imply most of you are illiterate, after all there are many millions of you out there, needing someone to lead your hand through this thing or are they just incompetent? I would like to say I think it’s the latter but I know it’s really the former. They don’t know what they want in the ice cream shop so they go with both.

So, we are told/shown that these two are the most freaking unbelievable assassins this side of the Rio Grande. Now, before we get ahead of ourselves, I would like to think that, yeah, Brad could be a good assassin. He very well could be. He would get all that sweet meat overseas to spill the goods about their governments but, Angelina, on the other hand, would be road kill on her second day of training. I’ve read enough about spy craft that the only job she’d be good for in the intelligence agency is the kind of job I can’t talk about in a public forum. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge) Although, in fairness, if she had her freakish looking brother with her they could team up and be a sort of ambiguously incestuous A-Team, but I digress from the matter at hand.

In the next scene, Brad wields a shoulder powered rocket launcher (I could care less what kind of a movie it’s in but a shoulder powered rocket launcher could be in a Care Bears movie and I would love it just the same) and we get a nice looking explosion. Angelina, on the other hand, repels down the side of a building. Some of you younger readers out there are strongly encouraged to use QuickTime to see if you can slow down the images ever so slightly as I think you get a fuzzy shot of her underwear as her dress hikes up; be first to post it on the Internet and discuss it with your friends, you pervs.

Now, I know it seems like I’m being harsh, I am, but I like where this film is going when we deduce that they are husband and wife and neither of them know what the other does; I’ll admit that’s a good premise. Now, Brad and Angelina as a married couple? I actually believe that without breaking a sweat. We’re getting somewhere, people.

Of course, their lives aren’t all happy as Brad seems to be talking with a therapist. He makes a choking motion with his hands as he describes as how sometimes he just wants to choke the crap out of Angelina. Wow, we’re really hauling down the highway of cinema verite. I, too, can relate to that impulse whenever subjected to her presence for too long of a time.

What’s weird, and I was going to bring this up sooner, is that the first thing that popped into my head when I realized the premise is like it’s a double TRUE LIES. The husband has a secret but the wife doesn’t know, etc”¦ but as we get further into this trailer the music of the dance that Arnold and Tia Carrere shook their groove thang to in the beginning of the film starts playing as Brad and Angelina start dancing to it as well. Déjà vu.

Vince Vaughn makes a brief cameo mid-way though this thing and it adds some levity to the whole shebang when the both of them realize that they are competing agents and Vince approves quite audibly about the weapon of choice that Brad selects.

Then, the fun really begins as they try to kill each other. I could do without the “Who’s your daddy?” jokes as they’re about as tired and busted as any Baha Men “Who Let The Dogs Out?” reference of any kind. The use of a minivan in a high speed chase is a cute twist on the whole suburban life meets COMMANDO thing and I am even more impressed that Doug Liman, the eyes behind THE BOURNE IDENTITY, has taken the reigns for something as enjoyable as this. There are guns everywhere, there are explosions aplenty, and the premise is somewhat engaging.

Dare I admit this public but I very well may pay to see an Angelina Jolie movie.

Director: David Dobkin
Cast: Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Christopher Walken, Jane Seymour
Release: July 22, 2005
Synopsis: John Beckwith and Jeremy Klein, a pair of committed womanizers who sneak into weddings to take advantage of the romantic tinge in the air, find themselves at odds with one another when John meets and falls for Claire Clearly.

Prognosis: Positive I am a huge fan of Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn that it absolutely destroyed me when STARSKY AND HUTCH turned out to be a blasé match-up. It was one of those movies where the trailer truly did reveal all that was really funny.

Now, though, this looks like the two of them are coming together again and, really, this movie appears that it with either survive or die based on whether these two guys can stay consistently funny throughout the flick. With the exception of the great Walken, their personas will carry this film.

What’s refreshing about the trailer is that it doesn’t mind somewhat alienating the ladies in the house with its overt poke on how women react when it comes to weddings. There are enough “Oh yeah”¦” moments that guys will appreciate, much like when Vince described his weekends as a married man in OLD SCHOOL, but first things first.

“Two people will come together to celebrate the sanctity of marriage.”

With voiceover guy talking up the whole marriage as a sacrament the obvious thing that comes next is our two heroes completely disgracing it. Vince seems to the ringleader of the pack as he yells at Owen how it’s wedding season and it means the opportunity for them to take advantage of women who are so overtaken by the thought of marriage that they will, “throw their inhibitions to the wind.” Now, that’s a philosophy I can get behind.

Owen is nearly frothing at the mouth as he anticipates the coming onslaught of women but I am off in some other dimensional space as I wonder why in hell I didn’t think of that myself so many years ago when I was a wee lad.

“Hide your bridesmaids.”

What’s also funny is how these two take on a variety of fake identities to fit the occasion. From the last name of Schwartz at a Jewish celebration, to a Sanjay and a Seamus, at a Hindu and Irish gathering, respectively, these two guys infiltrate the ceremony to take the poon hunt even further than just showing up to take advantage of an open bar.

Vince uses the guise as a balloon animal maker to entice the ladies and Owen employs the flower girl at another to show how wonderful with kids he is. Owen then adds he’ll mention how he’s a charter member of Oprah’s book club. Vince eye-spies a woman with a tattoo on her lower back and he comments it might as well be a bull’s-eye. I would have to agree that both guys are going for the golden ring on this one.

From Green Day’s “American Idiot” providing the soundtrack to displays of all the frivolity these two cats are having, to copious amounts of skin and ladies in their undergoods, this trailer really speaks to me on a sleaze level that gets nothing but kudos from my corner.

The “Save the date” dig at the ladies who send those notices out to the potential wedding guest list is a nice touch and an added bonus that is not missed.

Director: Prachya Pinkaew
Cast: Tony Jaa, Petchthai Wongkamlao, Pumwaree Yodkamol, Rungrawee Borrijindakul, Chetwut Wacharakun
Release: November 5, 2004 (AFI Film Festival)
Synopsis: Booting lives in a small and peaceful village. One day a sacred Buddha statuette called Ong Bak is stolen from the village by a immoral businessman who sells it for exorbitant profits. It soon becomes the task of a young man, Boonting (Phanom Yeeram), to track the thief down to Bangkok voluntarily and reclaim the religious treasure. Along the way, Boonting uses his astonishing athleticism and traditional Muay Thai skills to combat his adversaries.

Prognosis: Positive. This is why it’s nice to keep an eye on Asian cinema. Sometimes you just find something that strikes an interest.

The cards that open this trailer, letting everyone know that there is a long history of martial art masters who have not only proven themselves great at their athleticism but at being able to be charismatic on film, aren’t pretentious. I thought they were when I first read them, as it would be easy enough to compare yourself with Bruce Lee or Jet Li, but could you actually deliver on that?

Tony Jaa delivers quite effectively and quickly, thank you very much.

Since this is a foreign language film there isn’t a need to dwell on the crappy dialogue that usually hampers an action film anyway, so they just show the goods while accentuating on some great selling points.

Right after we go through the history of martial arts on celluloid, there is a nice guitar intro as Tony starts leaping, bounding and swinging his leg at anyone getting in his way. Are they his enemies, bystanders? Who cares! It’s martial arts and it’s wonderful to watch.

“No safety nets.”

Tony seems to be a cross between a ferocious Jet Li while incorporating the confused-dog-head-how’d-he-do-that stunt action that made Jackie Chan a superstar. The man literally leaps many feet in the air, only to do the splits, and other near physical improbabilities, to evade swinging weapons meant for him.

“No computer graphics.”

He scales fences while being chased and he makes it seem effortless. He swings on a hook only to have another man’s chest stop his motion as he plows both feet into the man’s ribs.

There is a really sweet slo-mo shot of him flipping, doing multiple rotations in the Muay Thai ring, while doing the same thing on the streets, again, to avoid getting a beat down from some nameless thugs. Even though this trailer is from way across the sea the inclusion of some nice looking ladies, a fiery explosion and some alone time of him just doing martial arts for no else’s enjoyment but our own, shows a keen awareness of what we Americans demand of our action films.

There are snippets from the New York Times, Time and even Ain’t It Cool News, in praise of this film’s delivery, and it serves to elevate this film just a little bit more above the rest. The level of ass-kickery that is displayed here in the trailer just rivals most anything I’ve seen for quite some time. I used to think Jean-Claude Van Damme was the end all be all, I thought Steven Segal would have some longevity, and I even put a little hope in Ernie Reyes Jr.’s future when I saw him chop socky-ing over on ABC when I was 11, but all these false idols fell out of favor with me when I saw what real martial artists could do.

Without having seen the film I am not sure if Tony Jaa is it, but it would be nice to have someone else who could have a promising career beyond the lives of the Li’s and Chan’s who are as magnanimous as they are memorable.

Director: Clare Kilner
Cast: Debra Messing, Dermot Mulroney, Holland Taylor, Jack Davenport, Jeremy Sheffield, Sarah Parish
Release: February 5, 2005
Synopsis: Wedding Date centers around Kat Ellis (Messing), who returns to her parents’ London home for her sister’s wedding. Afraid of confronting her ex-fiancé, who dumped her two years before, she hires a top-drawer male escort (Mulroney) to pose as her new boyfriend..

Prognosis: Negative. Alright, as soon as voiceover guy says, “What was supposed to be strictly business”¦” I was done. I tuned out Tokyo and called it a night. Everything about the plot was meaningless and without any importance at that point, but I realized that it does have meaning to your girlfriends and wives who will no doubt drag your scraggly ass to see this one. I apologize in advance.

I will give you my honest opinion: if you like WILL AND GRACE you could do worse. If you hate WILL AND GRACE and find Debra Messing is indeed not the next Lucille Ball but a redheaded fraud, you’ll be scratching your eyeballs out by the end of the first act.

To give you some idea what’s happening in this film, it’s essentially a reversed PRETTY WOMAN. That’s all there is.

Debra is off to London to meet up with her family and she feels the need to get an escort. It’s her sister’s wedding, information gracefully given to us by an answering machine that Ms. Messing is choosing to ignore as she crazily gets her suitcase ready for international travel. She obviously feels the need to compensate for something, as it would be absolutely insane to assume that any woman who is comfortable with her singularity couldn’t tell her family that she’s completely fine with not having to depend on a man for her happiness but this is a movie after all so she has to be impetuous.

So, instead of finding someone she works with or maybe finding a friend who wouldn’t mind traveling to London for a quick spin, she hires a male escort. She hires an escort to be her date to her own sister’s wedding. Apart from the strange questions about how quickly this new man materialized into her life from people who know her he ends up being exactly the kind of cover she needs to feel better about herself and her life.

They land in London and her mother greets her new rented man meat with gracious hospitality. Now, in the next scene, where Debra gives us important plot information about how she spent six Gs on Dermot’s company the dude stands in front of her in tidy-whities, man sac on near full display, and I am feeling less comfortable about my viewing of this trailer. I move on past the mental sizzling from that image and then notice that Dermot is the talk of the family. All the ladies who get into the man’s perimeter gravitate to him like an old rich guy with a thick wallet and a willingness to part with his money indiscriminately.

Guests ask what he does. She lies to one and says he’s a therapist. What I don’t know is if that’s meant to be funny. Debra looks like it’s somehow supposed to be amusing in that whole Grace/visual shtick thing she does on Thursday nights but it’s only killing the chances to recommend the flick as I get an underwear butt shot of Dermot taking off his briefs.

What’s not supposed to be funny, but is, is when Dermot the man whore whispers into Debra’s ear about how she should feel safe and know what an incredible woman she is. She looks like she’s just learned it’s now possible for her to have an orgasm. She’s the female equivalent to those insipid guy friends we’ve all had that swear that a stripper they see on a consistent basis is spending time with them at the club because she really likes his company and has nothing to do with the piles of money being forked over.

After some montage to Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” where Debra finds herself falling in love with her mimbo and seeing how absolutely wonderful Dermot is with everything he does we get more strategic viewing of Dermot’s naked body. Seriously, when can this end?

Dermot then starts spouting about how it’s important to have the courage to let someone love you back (I can just hear the ladies amping up their charge cards to get advance seats for this), we get Dermot’s naked chest, again, as we wind down with him talking about how it was just “something” in Debra’s voice that made him want to take on this assignment.

What would be neat, and completely possible, is if Dermot wasn’t a man whore after all and it was all a joke. I’m already predicting that the two of them somehow end up together, but I could really care less at this point.

Director: Sydney Pollack
Cast: Nicole Kidman, Sean Penn
Release: April 22, 2005
Synopsis: Political intrigue and deception unfold inside the United Nations, where an interpreter overhears an assassination plot.

Prognosis: Positive. Sean Penn, again, pops his head up for the second time in two weeks in a movie that no doubt steps right up to the line of the mainstream and knocks on its mediocre door. With Nicole Kidman onboard this vehicle you can be sure Sean will probably be on Oprah with her as he shares his feelings and innermost secrets about romance, home decoration, how freaky Kirstie Alley looks nowadays, before they ever get around to talking about the film for all of five to seven minutes.

Things for this trailer open up interestingly enough. Nicole is an interpreter at the UN in New York and she overhears a possible assassination attempt against a UN ambassador for some piddly little country.

Some guard at the UN, when approached by Secret Service foreign dignitary protection, which includes some lady and Penn, lets the two of them know they’re not on US soil. It’s international territory. Ooo”¦the international intrigue thriller has begun, ladies and gentleman.

Penn, looking very mature action movie star-like, asks Kidman if she could pick out the voice again if she heard it. She says yes and then the whole background of this movie is set up like a softball toss at a drunken picnic. Essentially, Kidman hears this assassination attempt after having to go back to the UN after hours for something she left behind. Only she and, according to Penn, about eight other people could understand the language that the plot was discussed in which puts her on a very tiny list of possible suspects.

I’m already tossing in some Jiffy Pop as I get giddy trying to think of whodunit.

Penn doesn’t really put a lot of credibility into Kidman, Pollack (who has a very distinctive look about himself) pops up as a player in his own film, and then the cat and mouse games begin. Kidman begins to have delusions about being followed, Penn still has problems believing her, and then a dude, with a weird gold lamee mask, dangles outside of Kidman’s apartment in a tree as the mystery deepens about who could be behind it all.

“Is she a victim or a suspect?”

Penn interrogates Kidman after he uncovers some photos of her at a rebel rally (that is, men with guns and not a pack of inebriated Billy Idol fans in a parking lot before his concert at the Topeka, Kansas state fair) and wants to know what her deal is.

This trailer asks more questions than it really does in informing the plotline.

Things really start to heat up as Kidman boards a bus. Someone hollers back on a radio that she’s getting on the bus as Sean realizes that she’s about to become a part of a bombing. Kidman gets off, confused at what’s happening when someone tells her to shag ass off of it, as the bus lights up in a whopping explosion. Nice.

The rest of this thing is filled with so many discordant images, as it tries to throw everyone into a spin cycle of confusion, that I’m not sure what the hell is happening by the end of it. I definitely see a snipers rifle, a lot of running, a lot of guns, and Sean closes this thing by ominously saying that, during the investigation, the person with the darkest history is Nicole. Ooo”¦.

So what that it’s not going up for an Oscar or that it’s not out to change the way movies are made; its only purpose is to entertain. Keeping these three tenets in mind when looking at a film of this kind will help to adjust expectations accordingly.

It’s been a while since a really good “check your mind at the door” flick has come out and I think this is worthy for consideration to keep on the radar.

Director: James M. Johnston, David Lowery, Nick Prendergast, Yen Tan
Cast: Rebecca Bustamante, Mark Forte, Harry Goaz, Kelly Grandjean, Jeff Griffin, Grant James, Alana Macias, Lydia Miller, Bill Sebastian, Paul T. Taylor
Release: Coming Soon to a Festival Near You
Synopsis: A unique and challenging collaborative effort from four talented filmmakers, Deadroom is a narrative drama made up of four interwoven vignettes in which conversastions are held between the living and the dead. It is not a ghost story, and indeed there is no context for these otherworldly conversations; they are simply a vehicle for words that could not be said or emotions that could not be felt without the touch of death.

Prognosis: Positive. This film has four teasers.

They’re quick and I thought I would expound on each one before explaining things.

Teaser 1: Strands of hair curl around a woman’s eye and all we see is her forehead and cheek. The woman awakes, or opens her eye, as the narrator talks from above.

“Something terrible happened to you last night. I need you to remember what it was.”

The camera pans out to reveal this woman is wearing a white hospital gown (dress?) as she appears to be in a police interrogation room.

The woman appears distressed as she recounts the moments leading to this moment. Her own narration takes over and we have shots of her face and hands as she tries to answer the policeman’s query.

The interrogator reaches down from the table, pulling out a picture, and asks the woman to tell him what the picture means to her.

A quick flash of a violent altercation snaps quickly in and out of focus.

The woman says she doesn’t understand. The interrogator says to answer his questions and she will eventually understand.

A lovely piano suite takes us to the card that tells us the name of the movie.

Teaser 2:

An interviewer of a different sort, seems like a grad student or a young journalist, goes through a litany of facts about two people.

We don’t know who these people are but as the camera is tightly focused on the man’s glasses, actually the upper left-hand of the man’s glasses, his inner dialogue overlaps snippets of events and happenings that seem like a bunch of gibberish.

The man who consumes this young man’s thoughts eventually comes into the room. The kid stands up and introduces himself to the subject of his fixation.

Really quiet music plays in the background while a card tells us the name of the movie.

Teaser 3:

“Do you enjoy speaking with the dead?”

No one is present as these lines are spoken by a man. He’s very calm, soothing. A yellow room with small grey pictures hangs before us. The camera pans to the left.

“I guess you could put it that way.”

It’s a woman’s voice. The screen goes black.

“Why is that? It seems kind of pointless.”

The man speaks again to which the woman replies about why she enjoys what she does. She can say things that she didn’t get to say before. The screen goes black again as the man asks what she didn’t get to say to him.

The screen illuminates alive with color as we see the two people share a small table. He looks to her and awaits her answer. She keeps her head down as she doesn’t know what to say back to him.

Again, a quiet piano suite plays as a card tells us the name of the movie.

Teaser 4:

Grey room. A man stands at the end of the room which has a single table and two chairs. The man wears a suit and he is adjusting his tie. He faces a wall as the camera pans back to reveal someone is standing behind him.

It’s a woman who stands there, looking at the man. She knows his name and says it out loud. He turns around and says hers.

She’s overcome by emotion and can’t coherently put anything else together between her lips. The camera’s P.O.V. changes to where the man is shown standing static with his arms at his side. The woman asks “Are you really”¦?” before she quickly walks over to touch him.

The screen goes white and a card tells us the name of the movie.

Hmm”¦.Ok. These are vignettes, from what I can gather. We’re not told anything about why we should see this film. There isn’t any indication of the plot, that much is true, but I think its power derives from when you know what the premise of the film is about before you launch into these trailers. Without knowing the information beforehand there is a perplexity of trying to understand what it is, exactly, that you’re seeing.

We’re introduced to a good number of people, sure, but even though I am intrigued I am not sure why I should hunt this movie out if, let’s say, all four were pasted together to make one long trailer. If this was a movie’s trailer, and we had nothing else to go off of, I would say to give voiceover guy a call and have him say just a few lines. It’s ok to be ambiguous when you know what you’re watching but if I don’t know anyone or anything about the film I need only a few lines for me to really enjoy what’s on the screen and not waste their time or my time asking, “what in the hell is going on?”

I love the premise of the film. I thoroughly enjoyed FOUR ROOMS and I am a big fan of mixing vignettes up with different directors that are all swirling around the same idea; for sheer unique value I would see this film over another nameless film at a festival because of it.

Director: Clint Eastwood
Cast: Clint Eastwood, Hilary Swank, Morgan Freeman
Release: December 17, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: A hardened fighter-cum-trainer works with a determined woman in her attempt to establish herself as a boxer.

Prognosis: Positive Quick, what do Milli Vanilli and Marisa Tomei have in common?

Besides both having a predilection for spandex and bad pop music they both found themselves being prize winners in the game of life (a Grammy and an Oscar, respectively) and they both took a wrong turn in their careers after having received their awards. One was busted for lip-synching and the other, well, evaporated from the mainstream consciousness. This all brings us, then, to Hillary Swank.

Apart from having a name that I connote with a certain gentleman’s magazine every time I hear it, I can’t remember the last quality flick she’s been in since winning that golden boy. Is getting the Oscar so early on a death sentence in a person’s career? Sure, Anna Paquin went on to be the object de jour for so many comic book nerds after X-MEN hit (myself included with hands way high in the air in affirmation) but where has Hillary been? Exactly. So, it was with a cautious eye that I crept into this trailer.

This thing starts off with a nice opening shot. Clint is on his knee, next to his bed, praying to the Man above. Visually, it looks dark and the mood is heavy.

In the next shot Clint walks down a large hallway. Hillary walks up to him and asks whether he’s the man she’s looking for. He asks if he owes her money or knows her momma. I love it; the old coot has some good lines left in him. She asks him whether or not he would train a girl. After he denies it once I already know that a) he’ll eventually say yes and b) wasn’t this movie also called GIRLFIGHT?

Morgan Freeman does a quaint little voiceover about one’s own dreams as we see a lonely Clint and a lonely Swank doing their respective things. Next day, new day, Hillary is training on the bag when Clint talks tough about her not being in control of it while walking away from her. Since there’s nothing really progressing with the story (see above paragraph) I watch the way the camera seems to move, the cinematography and how it all affects the environment being shown. It’s all very pleasing to the eye.

Clint eventually relents to Hillary’s begging (obviously) and when I expect to get a high octane soundtrack montage of scenes showing how tough Hillary really as she trains really really hard I’m surprised when I don’t get that. I get a slow montage of scenes showing how tough, and delicate, Hillary is.

The relationship the two of them have is fraught with Clint being a tough-as-crap old codger but there seems to be something else. While there’s a story with Hillary being from a very financially depressed segment of the population, there’s an undercurrent with Clint. Something is going on with him that’s influencing his relationship with Hillary and I’m not sure what it is and it’s not explained. It’s a good thing that I don’t know, and it’s wonderful that the trailer ends as ambiguously as it does.

An honorable mention has to go out to the fact that there isn’t one damn voiceover in this thing and there isn’t a whole lot put on the screen to make us read. Sometimes a trailer like this just glides by on its ability to show how well a movie is put together and it does exactly that. Extra props need to go to Clint for looking as tough and as good as he does. I know the guy’s pushing 97 but, damn, he looks like he could easily take my candy ass in a fight. Good for him.

Director: Gary Chapman
Cast: Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent, John Cleese, Tim Curry, Ricky Gervais, John Hurt, Hugh Laurie, Olivia Williams
Release: March 25th, 2005 (Only in the UK)
Synopsis: While set in WWII, Valiant is described by insiders as more Private Benjamin than Private Ryan, following a lonely and comically misfit pigeon through boot camp at the Royal Pigeon Service. Vastly unqualified for the job, Valiant squeaks his way through RAF training and is abruptly sent on the most important mission of the war, charged with carrying key dispatches from the French Resistance to Allies regarding the D-Day landing in Normandy.

Prognosis: Positive. Is it possible the Brits could give an animated feature some more laughs than recent actors like Will Smith or Matt Damon have been able to do in the past few years? It seems with the Japanese and American dominance of animated features that a British take on comedy that could service young moppets and also give adults a reason to go to the theater has been a long time coming. How much, as well, of what seems to work nowadays in animation is its visual appeal but VALLIANT doesn’t seem to want in that category either.

It’s nice that the trailer starts off stoic and plays everything very straight.

A WWII bomber starts its propellers. It stays steady as it flies in the air. Zeppelins, and the rope dangling from them, fill the sinister, foggy skies over London.

“In Britain’s Darkest Hour”

The bomb doors of the bomber open up and the air is filled with black puffs of anti-aircraft fire and streams of machine gun bullets trace across the skyline.

“One hero will light up the sky”

A very stalwartly, British voice gives a speech off-screen as he lets his troops know that they should feel proud for doing their part in this war. Of course, when the speech gets to the end, we don’t see a person but, in this film, the animals which possess great linguistic capabilities are birds.

From here a very jolly British voice lets us know that this film is being brought to us by the same producer who gave us SHREK and SHREK 2. Valiant Pigeon, voiced here by Ewan McGregor, is the protagonist in this flick and what protagonist would be complete in an animated feature without a wise-cracking sidekick? The voice talent of this comedic relief isn’t mentioned but, let’s face it, all Brits seem to talk the same (That was a joke”¦), and it’s actually amusing when you understand that the target audience isn’t my age.

It could be my predisposition for British humour or a desperate need to have more well-made CGI films out there like THE INCREDIBLES but this one doesn’t irk me in a way that both SHARK TALE and POLAR EXPRESS did. The animation looks more than serviceable, the colors seem in line for the kind of environment it’s taking place in, and who the hell out there doesn’t love WWII movies?

What’s odd about this feature, though, is that it’s going to open next year in Britain without a US date slated. I can understand keeping things from this country. We’re bullies of the world and I don’t blame anyone for keeping their toys to themselves but when France, the Netherlands, and Russia all get their advance date set I just have to question why. Aren’t we all in the Axis of Hey-Let’s-Get-That-Guy?

I do like that this could be one of the very few movies not from Japan that could be an animated import should it do very well. It would be an odd thing to see packs of little kids vying to get into the art house but I’m sure if it did well enough there would be a release not unlike CHICKEN RUN.

Director: Niels Mueller
Cast: Sean Penn, Naomi Watts, Don Cheadle, Jack Thompson, Brad Henke
Release: December 29, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Based on real life events, Assassination is set in 1974 and centers on a businessman (Penn) who decides to take extreme measures to achieve his American dream.

Prognosis: Positive. I’ve really grown to enjoy the work Sean Penn has done over the years.

Be it his Spicoli or his work in THE THIN RED LINE or even the often overlooked THE GAME, the man has it and it’s nice he has enough wherewithal to continually put his energy into projects that have more weight than the collective press most mainstream fare gets in US Weekly and Access Hollywood. (In fairness, his odd appearance with his son in an episode of Viva la Bam was more surreal than anything I’ve seen as of late that didn’t involve a shameless pimping of any film project)

What this trailer does, delicately, is set everything up with cautious precision. With a movie title like this it would be hard to really not know what you’re getting from the get go. However, things open up with Sean speaking into a tape recorder. We don’t see him, but the plastic reels of the recorder unwind as he speaks.

He gives us the date. It’s February 22nd, 1974.

In the next scene Sean wrangles his kids around the front of a porch for a picture before having the shot ruined by being hustled off the property by a woman who I assume is his ex-wife; she says he can see the kids next Sunday. The musical score in the background is morose as is the expression on his face. I already feel sorry for the guy.

Sean then introduces himself into the tape recorder, the messed up picture of his kids from the previous shot hangs on his mirror. He says he’s as significant as a grain of sand.

He sells office furniture.

Someone in the next shot points to a television showing some footage of Richard Nixon as he says that Tricky Dick was the best salesman alive; he sold himself twice on the American population. Sean seems affected by the statement.

Someone at the office starts Sean on a program to help him be a better salesman. Empty affirmations, like the kind you see enclosed in tiny glass frames at a store like Successories, start ringing in his ear.

Naomi Watts, de-sexified in this role, asks if everything is alright at work. His boss then asks him if everything is alright at home. He looks lost.

Roger Ebert gets a long, lingering soundbite on the screen, touting this film’s veracity.

Sean has a problem with Naomi being a cocktail waitress because of the outfit she has to wear. He starts to show a little rage, even begins to spy on her every move, and then, in the background, you hear his voiceover say that all he wants is to have his piece of the American dream. His boss lets him know that divorced salesman simply don’t have what it takes to succeed; the profession is a marriage.

He mentally goes over a cliff at this point.

Sean starts to rant a little more vehemently into his recorder, starts to construct a makeshift ankle holster to hold a big ass gun, begins to plot out his misguided attempt at gaining some kind of life affirming satisfaction, and essentially starts his breakdown.

His last line iterates the point that as soon as he is done the world will remember that he was there and that no one will ever forget his presence.

This is the kind of movie that warrants penciling into a day planner.

Director: Walter Salles
Cast: Jennifer Connelly, Ariel Gade, Shelley Duvall, Perla Haney-Jardine, Camryn Manheim, Pete Postlethwaite, John C. Reilly, Tim Roth, Dougray Scott
Release: August, 2005
Synopsis: A mother and daughter, still wounded from a bitter custody dispute, hole up in a run-down apartment building. Adding further drama to their plight, they are targeted by the ghost of former resident.

Prognosis: Visually, positive. Plot-wise, dumber than a short bus filled to the brim with low achievers. Yeah, so this thing opens with a straight shot down one of NYC’s many main drags. I half expect Spidey to come careening out from the side, being chased by the Sandman or Electro, but instead I get Jennifer Connelly and her daughter walking with a hoity spring in their step to a new apartment.

From the first few lines about how they think this new place will be such a wonderful place to live and how they cavort and giggle like they’re all hoped up on Pixie Stix you know something bad is about to happen.

With drab and dreary colors that range from the nasty weather on the outside to one of the foulest looking elevators this side of Skid Row things aren’t looking that swell. John C. Reilly starts talking up the neighborhood school system as mother and daughter take a ride but then the crazy stuff starts to make an inroad. The elevator door closes suddenly after Jennifer’s daughter runs out, John giving chase, and the elevator goes haywire before coming back to where it began. At first you think John has something to do with the weirdness but no, the crap gets existentially weirder.

Jennifer’s daughter, again in the middle of all this craziness, sees something in the corner of her room. On the ceiling there is a bubbling red spot and they stare at it. I’m sure every instinct in me as a parent would not to go upstairs to find out what it is, as Jennifer does, but to pack up my crap, grab a couple of Ginsus from out of the kitchen, and be ready to stab anyone who comes between me and the exit doors. No, the crazy single mom (which I haven’t made a comment but here it is: There is no way I believe for a moment that women like Jennifer are single parents. I call bullshiat on this one.) decides to play Murder She Wrote and goes upstairs and down a creepy than all hell storage hallway. By herself. It’s dark.

A little girl’s voice quietly recites the Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Yeah, also, what makes me giggle is that John incredulously, and without an ounce of irony, says to Jennifer when she says that it seems like there’s running water coming from the space above her apartment, “There hasn’t been anyone up there for years.” Yeah, my Ginsu plan would be in full-effect at that point.

Alright, so the bitch goes traipsing down the hallway by herself (Yeah, I said it. Any chick who actively seeks to get killed this way deserves a moniker half as nice as that one.). She finds out that the elevator button leading up to that floor has been burned off. (Do you hear the signal bells going down the When Should I Get The Hell Out Of Dodge check sheet?) She next, and boy does it get better, she goes to the door of that apartment and opens it herself. The place is flooded with lake deep water. What does she do? Steps inside, of course. Then, later on, three water faucets come on by themselves.

After we’re told that this movie is brought to us by the author of THE RING Jennifer’s kid gets possessed while creating refrigerator art at school.

“Some mysteries were never meant to be solved.”

So, the final moments are just chockfull of water; coming out of the washer, the walls, the windows, out her pants, everywhere. I try to slow down the quick clips, hoping to see some creepy images of ghosts or demons, but all I get is some Large Marge (pre-freak-out) and some kid who looks like he should be playing bass for Matchbox 20. Disappointing.

Bottom line: oh yeah, I’ll see this. I was astounded by THE RING and I will give this one a chance but if the trailer is already giving me some pause about the preposterousness of it all this can’t be good for what the whole movie will hold. Maybe I’ll check out the Japanese version; their versions are like book versions, simply more satisfying.

Director: Michael Radford
Cast: Al Pacino, Jeremy Irons, Joseph Fiennes, Lynn Collins
Release: December 29, 2004
Synopsis: In Venice, young Bassanio needs a loan of 3,000 ducats so he can properly woo a wealthy heiress of Venice named Portia. To get the necessary funds, Bassanio approaches his friend Antonio, a merchant. Antonio’s money, unfortunately, is invested in merchant ships that are presently at sea; however, to help Bassanio, Antonio arranges for a short-term loan of the money from Shylock, a Jewish usurer. Shylock has a deep-seated hatred for Antonio because of the insulting treatment that Antonio has shown him in the past. When pressed, Shylock strikes a frightening bargain in wicked humor: the 3,000 ducats must be repaid in three months, or Shylock will exact a pound of flesh from Antonio. The merchant agrees to this, confident in the return of his ships before the appointed date of repayment.

View Trailer:
* Medium (Flash)

Prognosis: Positive. When I read Merchant of Venice in college for the first time, freshman year in Karen Keres’ English 102: Your Free Time Is Mine class, I was a bit confused by it. Not by the plot, mind you, but by the language. It takes a while before the ear becomes accustomed to the sounds and lilts in the player’s voice and words. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING was my first Shakespearian film adaptation and that was pretty much all she wrote when it came to decide what I wanted to do with the next four years of my academic life.

There have been absolutely splendid filmic adaptations to Shakespeare’s work. Baz Luhrmann’s envisioning of a modern Romeo and Juliet was a frenetic speed overload that captured the essence of what it meant to be from the wrong side of the tracks. Kenneth Branagh’s HAMLET was wonderfully put together and, in my opinion, hasn’t been rivaled since its debut. Now comes this version of Merchant of Venice which looks to take its place in the pantheon of films that high school kids will be renting in order to pass their English classes.

What you notice, immediately, is that this sucker is rated R. Now, I don’t remember a lot of drugs, explicit sex, or swearing so I am a little caught off guard as to why this flick would be given such a rating. Al “hoo-ha” Pacino is Shylock, that Jewish troublemaker who is at the center of so much brouhaha in this story, and it’s not until I see him being spat upon by Jeremy Irons, who plays the part of Antonio, that I feel the flood of plot points come back to me. The location is obviously Venice, but never before has it looked so period specific. Joseph Finnes, breaking out his best Shakespearian wares since wooing many a lady with that SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE flick, is back in wonderful form.

Even though this is a Sony Pictures Classics release there are helpful crib notes displayed to get everyone on the same page about what’s the big deal here.

“To win her love”¦money must be borrowed.”

The trouble in this story, as with everything else in life, all begins with a woman. Ralph wants to get her, needs cash to get the girl, thousands of ducats to be precise, and then things go sour when, as we all should know and say in harmony, the loan that Shylock lends Irons defaults and his buddy is on the hook for repayment. The story has many things going on, to say nothing of the undertone of anti-Semitism, but there are some very relevant things that are brought up that make this play timeless. The issue of law, friendship and romance are not bound by the time in which this film takes place.

When it comes to the rest of this trailer, though, it’s great to see the trial where Pacino is about to take a pound of Irons’ flesh. Irons faints like a little girl and we get a little classic Pacino rage when he says of the flesh he is about to exact, “‘Tis mine!” We see how Portia, played here by Lynn Collins who was last seen in a bit part of 30 GOING ON 30, goes from playing a fairly good-looking woman to a dude in order to get Irons out of legal trouble. I tell ya, it takes a woman to get into a trouble and one to get you out.

The overall look of the selected scenes shows this to a painstakingly time-specific piece and I could take far more of these sitting down in the theater than I could of just one AFFAIR OF THE NECKLACE. There is such an attention to costuming here, to the language and there seems to be a real emphasis on really accentuating the most riveting of moments in this play and it all comes across.

What I still can’t figure out, though, is why in hell this movie is getting an R rating. Maybe we’ll be getting a little more than just some male flesh; “˜tis might be a fair maiden’s we might be getting a randy gaze at.

Director: Adam Shankman
Cast: Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham, Brittany Snow, Carol Kane, Brad Garrett
Release: March 5, 2005
Synopsis: Assigned to protect the five out-of-control children of an assassinated scientist working on vital government secrets, Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe (Vin Diesel) is suddenly faced with juggling two outrageously incompatible jobs: fighting the bad guys while keeping house. Replacing his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons are diapers and juice boxes, with which Shane must not only must battle a deceptive enemy but wrangle with the five children.

Prognosis: Negative I was watching BOILER ROOM the other day and reminisced about how saturated the movie buzz was when Vin Diesel was heralded as the next “IT” action star. PITCH BLACK was fairly entertaining, I really enjoyed FAST AND THE FURIOUS and then XXX was about to come out; I was amped and then I went to see it opening weekend.

It was like I wanted to run back into a store and demand a refund on the hope I had wasted.

The guy then started to moan about XXX 2 (Thanks for taking up the slack, Ice Cube. If you can go the 90 minutes without making a lame-ass PlayStation joke I might actually watch it) and passed on 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (Who whoulda thunk that Ludacris and Tyrese, 2 dudes who are 2 cool to have 2nd names, would turn out a not-entirely-crapworthy film?), and then decided that PITCH BLACK 2 would have us quaking in our collective Jockeys only to score a $112 million, give or take, at the box office when production and marketing had cost around $140. Whups on all three accounts.

Now, here’s the new softer side of Vin. That whole action thing was so passé anyway, right?

Vin is introduced as Shane Wolf. Military drums rap-a-tap-tap as decorations reinforce the idea that he’s an ex-Navy SEAL.

He’s tough as nails, dammit, as we’re given his resume as a tough as nails Navy SEAL guy. He’s been in Somalia (apparently wearing nothing but camo pants and a white Hanes-His-Way T-shirt), Serbia (where he’s operated jet ski’s to evade enemy choppers), Bosnia (where he’s choreographed amphibious landings wearing not a wetsuit but a Hanes-His-Way white T-shirt), and now this.

Voiceover guy gets desperately throaty when he says that Shane Wolf is going where his skills mean NOTHING: Suburbia. A pink bike is on its side at the bottom of the steps leading to the front door. Cue the requisite: “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

This where the trailer really starts to confuse me; the music that starts to play is Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina.” While I try to understand why, of all the music I listened to in 8th grade, why this was chosen over Inxs’ “Suicide Blonde” the kid who answers the door lets out a shrilling screech because she obviously has never seen a man look so menacing wearing a Hanes-His-Way T-Shirt.

The eventual gist, I take it, is that he has to protect a family. We’re not told why but we’ll play along.

This is when his tough as nails bit comes in as he comes off all hard and emotionless. He tells the kids that since he has no time to learn their names they’ll be given designations Red 1, Red 2, Red 3 and one Red Baby.

Ah, yes. Red Baby. It’s at this point when the old tried and true gag of a man not knowing how to change a diaper comes in to play. Cindi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” comes chiming in. Are we in a flipping time warp backwards that not one current ditty would have sufficed or could have been cleared by legal?

Oh yeah, and this is good, the movie, we’re told, is being directed by the same man who gave us BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE. I felt vomit at the back of my throat trying to make an escape.

From baby we go to the minivan. Again, apart from the hilariousness of Vin driving a car that has World’s Greatest Mother bumper sticker on the back, the whole problem his ego has with realistically accepting a car for what it is has him cracking wise as he says, “Think of it as a Bradley assault vehicle.” Good one, Vin. I’ve got to catch my breath from the giggles that spilled from my funny bone.

He has problems with acting normal at the park, he can’t tell a bedtime story without relating it to war, but he eventually gets an epiphany to turn his frown upside down and take charge of the family. Yeah, he straps on a baby carrier, loading it up with juice boxes instead of bullets, holstering air freshener instead of a side arm, and becomes the best friend to all the kids in the family.

He gets into some kind of altercation with Brad Garrett, to which Vin treats him like his little bitch, and then we get a couple more gags to fill up the running time.

Bottom line: I saw this movie when it was called Mr. Nanny. I didn’t actually see it, per se, but I did read the back of the box cover while perusing the video store for the latest Van Damme movie back when I was in high school but the plots seem oddly, and disturbingly, similar.

Look, twelve years won’t erase the memory of the man who was the touchstone of my youth, as he was emasculated when Hulk Hogan had to put on that pink tutu and I only hope I’m not around when we see Vin having to play dress-up with the mother’s muumuus, wearing lipstick. How the mighty have fallen.

Director: Jean-Francois Richet
Cast: Ethan Hawke, Laurence Fishburne, Gabriel Bryne, Brian Dennehy, Maria Bello, John Leguizamo, Ja Rule, Drea de Matteo
Release: January 21, 2005
Synopsis: On New Year’s Eve, inside a police station that’s about to be closed for good, officer Jake Roenick (Hawke) must cobble together a force made up cops and criminals to save themselves from a mob looking to looking to kill mobster Marion Bishop (Fishburne).

Prognosis: Positive. Rogue pictures, those masters of marketing who decided to release SEED OF CHUCKY well after the Halloween holiday had passed (Good one, fellas”¦), bring us a tale about a snowy city downtown precinct that is supposed to be closing its doors for good. Voiceover guy really hams that last line up for all its worth. Ethan Hawke, reprises his good cop role from TRAINING DAY, as we see the precinct essentially empty.

The last of the baddies seem to be in transit to a new holding pen but before things end quietly for the boys in blue, ta-da, a school bus filled with “Detroit’s most lethal prisoners” have to make a stopover for the night because there is so much damn snow on the ground.

Ok. First of all, let’s chuck the believability factor out the window because, having lived in Chicago, I know the city can be a bitch when it comes to snow plowing but there’s never been enough, in my short history, that would have made something like this happen. Even disregarding that whole snow thing let’s take a look at Detroit’s “most lethal prisoners.”

First, you have John Leguizamo. The man is like X-MEN’s Toad; completely worthless in a fight. Then you have Lawrence Fishburne. Ok. Him? I’ll believe that he has the vibe of an astute Hannibal Lecter with the kind of clothes he has on. Ja Rule? Hell, no. I will not believe that even a dude like him with as big of a Napoleon complex as he must have is any more dangerous than the guy who stole my lunch money in grade school. For those that have been unfortunate to see his many Cribs appearances can relate I’m sure.

Anyhoo, we’re supposed to get that Lawrence is supposed to be this tough as crap gangster who seems to have cajones of steel. Well, being how he is this big kingpin of Detroit crime he has some people collecting outside the precinct to bust him out of jail. I’m not sure how his thugs knew he was going to be caught up in a snowstorm or that these hoods cobbled together an entry/exit plan in a matter of hours but there you go.

It looks like the bad guys bust in, guns blazing, and try to free Larry. The phones, obviously, are dead and Ethan and Maria Bello (just the kind of gal you need by your side when you know you’ll be one of the last people alive by the end) intend to fight off some cops who, apparently, are the masterminds behind this and I’m a bit off guard. I’ve seen DIE HARD 2 and I’m totally an expert on these kinds of things but I had no idea that these cops weren’t in fact trying to get Lawrence out of jail but to try and put him six feet under for reasons that haven’t yet been explained.

Now, I’m no John Carpenter completest, but I had no idea that we now have a vested interest in keeping Larry alive as he is about to give testimony that will put Gabriel Byrne, one of the po-pos waiting outside to kill ol’ Lar’, and a few other cops behind bars. Brian Dennehy, one of the greats in the business to ever don a cop uniform, is back to his crotchety roots as he disagrees with Ethan’s estimation to arm the criminals in order to get out alive.

From here, bullets start flying and we get a real quiet hip-hop beat bouncing in the background as Ethan gets all bombastic with the thugs he’s trying to lead. The producer of TRAINING DAY is back on the case here and you barely have time to focus on that as flames start exploding, bullets start whizzing and mayhem ensues all around everything. Even with my mild affliction of ADD I couldn’t stay on task in figuring out what in hell was happening. Needless to say, though, I liked the style of it. Who among us couldn’t go for the fictional depiction of bad cops getting capped, the promise of needless violence getting out of hand wantonly, and the hope that Ja Rule dies a horribly slow death? I’m in.

Director: Mark Brian Smith, Tony Montana
Cast: Troy Duffy, Willem Dafoe, Billy Connolly, Jeffrey Baxter
Release: November 10, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: OVERNIGHT begins as the classic Cinderella story when Boston-bred bartender and budding filmmaker Troy Duffy sells his screenplay, “The Boondock Saints,” to Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Films. A bidding war gets Duffy much more than a hefty check; it also gets him the right to direct the film plus a deal for his band to produce and perform its soundtrack. Then, in a gesture straight out of a fairy tale, Weinstein offers to buy Duffy the very bar in which he works, turning the young man and his yet-to-be-made movie into overnight sensations.

View Trailer:
* Medium. The movie reel icon is on the front page (Flash)

Prognosis: Positive. I’ve never heard of this guy. I’ve heard of the movie, it being some 2nd rate, low-budget crime flick but I’ve never heard of him. In a documentary about how a man had chance for it all and then let it slip away as he implodes, this has to be good.

The trailer opens up with a really jaunty voiceover that says that the man who this documentary is about went from, “bartender to movie maker, overnight.”

The film festivals this movie has played at are flipped though quickly, which surprises me as being at Sundance is something that should, at the very least, warrant a moment to show that off. However, in lieu of actually seeing what this film has garnered, critically, we rush to get the first sound bite from the filmmaker:

“I hope to conquer the world!”

Just looking at the crazed look in the guy’s eyes who is saying this you know things will blow up wonderfully, and eventually, with everything that he touches.

Quick clips fill the screen with shots of revelry, alcohol and partying as we’re given a little more context about this, so far, nameless lottery winner of sorts. He essentially goes from the bar life to a million dollar contract deal with Miramax Films. The only difference between this guy and Kevin Smith is that Kev already had a movie to pimp and Kev wasn’t a screaming lunatic, as this trailer makes this guy out to be.

The lottery winner lives the high life for a while. No worries. Then, one of the guys involved with the documentary, says, “and then overnight”¦boom.” We’re not told how the bottom fell out for our fearless director but we are, interestingly enough, shown the famous people involved with BOONDOCK SAINTS and the people he hung with while he was still the man. It’s impressive that a first timer had access and was able to persuade some good names to star in his film.

Willem Dafoe, Paul Reubens, Marky Mark, Billy Connolly, Emilio Estevez (although, Emilio really only counts for ½ a celebrity. A full one if you want to count his dalliance with Paula Abdul and his seminal work on MEN AT WORK), Patrick Swayze and Jeff Goldblum were some of the people he kept company with.

Our child prodigy keeps going on and on about how he’s the best there is at what he does and before I start hallucinating, thinking he’s ripping off every issue of Wolverine I’ve ever read, the world starts to crash around him and I’m loving my place in the grand scheme of things.

He starts bitching out someone over at Miramax for not getting enough attention, Dafoe tells the poor schmuck to keep his mouth shut, he’s yelling at anyone who’s in front of him, he’s denied entrance into Miramax proper, and then he descends into a drunken bender that I’m sure not even Dean Martin would’ve approved of.

Overall this is a great way to set up a documentary. The essential nature and aim of a doc should be to simply show events as they transpired while telling a story. The fact, though, that we know how this story begins, gets going, peaks and then descends into a disastrous crescendo is enough to whet any appetite for some good old “sucks to he him” movie going.

Director: Olivier Assayas
Cast: Maggie Cheung, Don McKellar, Nick Nolte, Beatrice Dalle, Laura Smet, Jeanne Balibar, Ian Brown, Tricky
Release: To Be Announced
Synopsis: Emily Wang (Maggie Cheung) is a woman who wrestles with her dream of becoming a singer, her fitness as a mother, and daily life without her partner Lee (James Johnston). Her past is riddled with drugs and regrets, the result of which left Lee dead in a desolate motel room in Hamilton, Ontario, and landed Emily with a six-month jail sentence.

Clean follows Emily to Hamilton, Paris, London and San Francisco and in three languages (English, French and Cantonese), as she battles for a place in a world reluctant to forget the woman she has been and unwilling to accept her as the woman she longs to be.?

View Trailer:
* Various (Real Player, Windows Media, Quick Time)

Prognosis: It’s such a pleasure to watch. Man, I dig it when trailer people actually utilize music and not treat it like it’s simply background filler.

Metric, a wonderful contemporary band that mixes synthesizers and pure alt rock with a female vocal lead, gets to play their song “Dead Disco” live while things open up.

Maggie Chung, coming to us Statesiders off her enrapturing performance in HERO and before, hopefully, coming to us later in Wong Kar Wai’s 2046 (a follow-up to his sweet and tender story IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE), is all sorts of punk rock in this trailer. Wearing black leather and donning a frightening fro and a greasy man on her side she enters a nightclub where, as the trailer would have you believe, Metric is rocking the crowd.

Outside, twenties are counted like singles as Maggie scores teeny-tiny Ziploc bags of white powder. Smack, Horse, Crank, Cocaine, Black Tar, whatever you want to call it, all makes its way back to the fleabag motel she’s staying in with her sleaze of a companion.

The rock continues to rock the kids as Maggie lights up a cigarette, as her nameless man tries to tell her something, he pisses her off, and she takes the car to someplace dark and quiet to light up another cigarette.

She eventually goes back to her hotel room to find the po-po’s there. The door to her room is open and she tries to see what’s happened, we find out, to her husband. The cops find a body and drugs. She’s arrested.

A graphic on the screen lets us know this flick got some play at Cannes this year.

The rock stops and is replaced by a soothing monotone. Maggie is in the back seat of a cop car, crying. She’s shown in prison, sitting. She eventually gets out and walks alone on the side of a busy suburban street in the middle of the day.

She ships out to a different country to get a clean start. She starts waitressing. Nick Nolte enters her life. Although we’re not really told what he’s supposed to be doing it appears he acting in a sympathetic capacity.

Maggie cries again. Is she lonely? Desperate for the drug life she left behind? It’s ambiguous but it’s enough to see that she’s a woman who feels something crushing down on her.

I am a big fan of what Chung has done with her body of work and I like it when Nolte plays people with a muted restraint as it appears he is in this movie. I love the way things are put together here and it’s enough for me to seek this one out if and when it ever surfaces here in the States.

Too often art is too arty for its own sake but this seems like a good story about a fractured soul and one can only hope it’s as good as it appears.

Director: Dan Harris
Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Emile Hirsch, Jeff Daniels, Michelle Williams, Kip Pardue
Release: February 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: The Travis family façade is destroyed by an event incomprehensible to them — an event which will open locked doors and finally reveal the secrets that have haunted them for decades.

Prognosis: Hell Yeah. Sandy Travis. Sigourney Weaver plays another mom on the verge, one of her best performances that came in the form of THE ICE STORM, as she’s introduced trying to buy rolling papers to buy a little weed from the local Quick Stop.

Emile Hersh, fresh off the better than expected THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, plays a son who gets into a car crash and is laid up for a bit in the hospital. The kid even cracks a little wise with some other hospital patients by telling them it’s an old war injury. “Which one?” they ask. “Vietnam,” he says, matter-of-factly.

Ben Travis. Jeff Daniels, a superb everyman, plays the dad. He tries to connect with his son by letting him know if he needs any cash to see that new band whatisname, Nirvana, to let him know. The family laughs at him and I feel his wimpish pain.

Penny Travis. Michelle Williams, the daughter of Ben and Sandy. She’s less than thrilled to be home for the holidays.

I love dysfunctional families.

Let me interject here and say why this is a good trailer thus far:

1) No voiceover.
2) No explanation about what’s going on.

Sigourney gets busted by the po-pos. Her drug habit is less than under control and the cops let her know that while she sits in the back of a squad car. The whole family seems to be in free fall and it’s not until we get back to Emile when the gloves come off and the knuckles start connecting: he lets his dad know he’s a pretty horrible father. Jeff Daniels concedes the argument to his son while, in the next scene, he’s asking his wife what she thinks about cosmetic surgery as he plays with her face. Note to men everywhere: wait “˜till she comes to you, dude. You are begging for her to jump in the sack with the cashier from Ralph’s when you do this. Sigourney obviously doesn’t need my help because she does this very thing in the next scene.

Emile expresses some discontentment about living with the family he’s saddled with, but there is something funny that happens. Emile seems to be picked on by a large bully at school to which Sigourney responds by traipsing over to the trailer park where the bully lives with his mother (the obvious location for most all bullies in this world) and unleashes some real motherly love and venom at the kid that is to be seen to be believed.

The last section of this trailer is snippets of all the main characters wallowing in their own despondency. What I really like, first of all, is the use of the Postal Service’s “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight,” excellent trailer song choice, and, second, that the use of color and transition works well throughout. There is a seamlessness to the snippets shown and it never feels jarring. The ending to this thing, as well, is bittersweet as Jeff Daniels tries to have a moment with his wife.

He tells her he loves her. They’re sitting outside and it’s a nice day. Signourney looks back and him and simply says, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Disfunction always makes for a great story. Always.

Director: Rob Zombie
Cast: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, Matthew McGrorey, William Forsythe, Leslie Easterbrook, Danny Trejo, Natasha Lyonne, Ken Foree
Release: August 12, 2005
Synopsis: After killing Sheriff Wydell, the Firefly family is caught in the path of a vengeful cop (Sheriff Wydell’s brother). The police raid the family and Baby, Otis, Captain Spaulding and the rest head out. Rumor is that a prostitute named Candy falls for Otis. Get ready for a nation-wide killing spree!

Prognosis: WTF??? The trailer opens up with a news guy reporting on a horrific scene discovered by cops. Right away you know there’s gonna be some violence but what’s odd is that the footage is immediately faded out to show some blonde honey cavorting and mincing around for the camera and it’s none other than Sheri Moon Zombie (Rob’s wife). She plays Baby Firefly, one of the three titular Rejects on the run after the 1st movie “House Of 1000 Corpses.” (Big ups to Sean B. for the reader assist on that)

William Forsythe shows up on the screen acting all tougher than leather and I am whisked back to his seminal role as Frank Whaley’s boss in CAREER OPPORTUNITIES, the man who was about to “pump the pasties” off of some piece of white trash. After him we get the freaks from the first HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES.

“You wanna start the killin’ you best start it right here.”

Most noticeably we get Sid Haig, one of the most menacing looking dudes ever to get parts in both A and B movies, appearing all sorts of twisted with his yellow and black teeth. The man seems genuinely born for this role.

Some po-po’s, wearing gas masks and brandishing shotguns, knock down a door and enter a small room that looks like a run-down old shack. Sid, Ginger and a stand-in reject from Hee-Haw strut down a vacant highway in the middle of the day carrying firearms. While this is a wet dream for all you 2nd amendment nuts, the shotguns the police were holding up go off and then we are jerked, rather abruptly, to some waitress screaming at the top of her lungs. Why? I don’t know and we’re not shown. This trailer is knocking me around like a Tilt-A-Whirl.

From here there are all sorts of quick clips of images so random I’m not sure what the hell I’m looking at. There are no cards to intersperse the action, no voiceover to guide the plot and there isn’t a shred of dialogue to move things along. There are guns going off, people are screaming left and right, explosions pop on the screen, glass shatters everywhere and we even get a quick look at my hero of ugly Latin character actors, Danny Trejo. To the untrained eye, this could very well be a piece of crap well worth avoiding.

I’m completely sold on it though, believe it or not.

“A tale of murder, madness and revenge.”

The above scroll finally starts to roll across the screen as the camera quickly follows an empty highway at mid-day. There are garbled voices in the background as the music builds up to a fever pitch and the screen goes black. Rob Zombie is the only one credited with making the film but that’s fine. The man has shown he has the ability to craft something that will someday run on your local station as their midnight movie of the week.

This trailer is short, completely cheesy in every sense of the word, and I think everyone knows that. It would be easy to just expect minimal things from a film like this but that, I believe, would be a mistake. Rob has championed his own ability to create a film like no other person can do, or willing, to produce nowadays.

Director: Robert Luketic
Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan, Wanda Sykes, Monet Mazur
Release: July 29, 2005
Synopsis: A woman’s (Lopez) idyllic engagement is thrown into doubt after she meets her beau’s horrifying mother-in-law (Fonda).

Prognosis: Negative. “This Mother’s Day”

This is not any movie that any man wants to be subjected to for any length of time. I write this trailer review to let you know what will happen should you not get to the remote fast enough to turn this crap off if you see this thing on the television.

In this trailer, Michael Vartan, best known for getting dropped like 3rd period French (One of my favorite lines from OCEAN’S ELEVEN, sorry”¦) by Jennifer Garner, is taking J. Lo to his mother’s house to let the two of them get to know one another. She’s playing with her hair, telling Michael she’s nervous, acting completely irrational, and he lets it fly: Don’t be nervous. She’s gonna love you.

Have we learned nothing by behavior conditioning? Of course she’s going hate her. This wouldn’t be a movie if the two of them got along, but we are supposed to play along like the dumb sheep some women are when it comes to these ridiculous set-ups and so I do. I can’t help it but the violins in the background, the massive compound where his mother lives, the opulence that is everywhere, just feeds into this idea and chicks seeing this trailer are, by this time, just in awe at the lush landscape of her man’s life. I can see the gold-digger in her eye from here.

Jane Fonda, who has taken an extended fifteen year break from the silver screen and thought, “Yeah, I’ll make a statement and make a crap film to herald my triumphant return to the talkies,” takes on the role of a judgmental mother. Michael introduces J. Lo to her. Jane puts her hands on her hips, looking really great for a woman of her age to be completely honest, and eyes up Lo in a way that makes me feel weirded for a moment as I reflect on Oedipus. Before I start thinking Fonda’s gone back to her BARBARELLA days, the action breaks for a card that lets us know that the wag who directed LEGALLY BLONDE is to blame for this. As I conjure up all I had to endure for resisting to see that movie and eventually being harangued by my insistence, months prior, the wife see THE PROFESSIONAL with me on DVD as a great example of what an action movie can really be, we’re back to J. Lo and Fonda and I know I’m doomed. The two of them cavort and giggle with each other. At one point they even give each other high-fives. (I didn’t know people still did that)

Anyhow, the party is all sorts of busted when J. Lo says she’s so happy that Fonda’s going to be her mother-in-law. The music warbles to a halt; again, I don’t know who I need a draft a memo to but cut that crap out. The whole needle thing, slowing down the music, it just screams first-year film student who needs to give it up if that’s the game they’re bringing. So, after the bomb is dropped Jane starts to scream as she pummels her sofa. Repeatedly. And repeatedly. This obviously isn’t done in front of J-Lo but maybe it should have been. It would’ve added a certain something.

Fonda and J. Lo are then shown hugging on a couch and then the most wonderful thing happens: Lo gets her face slammed into a cake repeatedly. And repeatedly. It’s absolutely delightful.

It is every man’s duty to be aware that this movie is on the horizon and I do hope you treat it like the Hantavirus. If you’re not familiar with the exact origins of this disease, I suggest you look it up; it’ll all seem perfectly clear.

Director: John Lasseter
Cast: Bonnie Hunt, Paul Newman, Richard Petty, John Ratzenberger, Owen Wilson
Release: November 4, 2005
Synopsis: A collection of classic automobiles set out for adventure on Route 66.

Prognosis: Negative. There’s this old cartoon that ran way before my age, but it was when I was a wee lad that I stumbled upon it. The cartoon ran in-between episodes of Woody Woodpecker and Chilly Willy (Willy doesn’t get enough love, in my opinion) and the premise was that cars talked and mostly acted like regular people. The wife car, though I still have no idea how the deed was actually done, gives birth to a little P.O.S. that eventually learns he is a P.O.S. and tries to change things by experimenting on himself. (I know, I swear this is G rated “˜toon) The young car comes to grips with who he is and fights his father’s insistence on being a regular car even after we see the kid get a spanking and we see that it has a human ass (what the hell was that all about?), and it eventually makes peace with his dad after a near death collision.

Why do I bring this up? Because this new feature from Pixar seems like the same story, just brought up to speed with the times with a little NASCAR tossed in for some hillbilly goodness.

The trailer opens up with a little bumblebee pollinating the flowers of a country meadow. The music is very soft and precious. The bee goes in one flower and buzzes off to another while we’re told, just like the trailer for the INCREDIBLES, that these are the same people who brought us TOY STORY, A BUG’S LIFE, and while we’re waiting for what else this studio has delivered the bee gets squashed onto the windshield of a redneck tow truck. The truck swerves, yelling how he’s blind, the bee caught in his big eyes, and I am reminded of that cartoon from yesteryear. I appreciate the dig at Southern culture as they make the tow truck bucktoothed, but up comes Owen Wilson, voice talent for the sleek looking NASCAR vehicle, trying to tell the truck to grow up before getting a mouthful of bees himself. I’m sure the kids will find it amusing but I didn’t feel anything one way or the other.

Cut quickly to a Green Day song as we’re treated to a big eyed NASCAR race. The sounds of speeding cars whipping around a track fills the sound field, other vehicles attend to the ones in the pits, and we even get a little shimmer off the asphalt to create a heat illusion with the rest of the pack. Owen’s car gets slammed from the side, by the bad car I’m assuming, and he eventually wins the race.

The camera pulls back to see that Owen and his backwoods friend are just at a drive-in watching the trailer to a film called CARS. The bumpkin has some funny thing to say about how he will do anything to see that movie before the trailer comes to a speedy conclusion and we’re left thinking exactly what, then, is the movie about? It’s too late to know as the November 2005 comes on the screen. In all, though, I wasn’t that impressed by this trailer, unlike the ones for last year’s INCREDIBLES which ran with FINDING NEMO, only because I’ve already seen this movie so many years ago, albeit in a two-dimensional way.

Director: Rob Bowman
Cast: Jennifer Garner, Terence Stamp, Goran Visnjic
Release: January 14, 2005
Synopsis: Kirigi and The Order of the Hand send Elektra on a mission to kill the widower Mark Miller — a man who must pay for an act committed by his grandfather years earlier. Upon being introduced to Miller by his young daughter Abby, however, Elektra aligns herself with him and defends them both from Kirigi’s ninja assassins. But is there more to the Millers than meets the eye?

Prognosis: It makes me all tingly down there. I have a girlfriend who is obsessed with Jennifer Garner. Strike that. The chick is dangerously close to being one of those people you see on Inside Edition with their hair all mussed and their clothes all wrinkled to crap after trying to scale the gates to the stars’ home only to be met by big and burly security people and they do a sit down interview after they’re let out on bail and then, quite politely, say that they’re married or something to that effect to the object of their insanity but the star just doesn’t know it yet. Yeah, she’s about one more season away of buying ALIAS on DVD before Jennifer should start worrying.

I don’t know why but the scrolling Marvel logo gets me every time. I like it because, even before you know what’s gonna be on the screen, you already know that it’s going to be a comic book flick. Yeah, PUNISHER wasn’t all that punishing but it’s a solid calling card and it deserves some credit for the kind branding the marketing team has done with it.

There is nothing teasing about this trailer as it gets right into things with the appearance of an SBD villain that goes by the name of Typhoid Mary. She walks through a forest, radiating a deadly circle around her, possibly fueled by a few glasses of sour milk and a half-dozen crispy/crunchy Taco Bell gorditas but the cleavage helps to see past what could be the source of her evilness.

The next shot I’m look at I think is Jennifer, wielding some swords as she twirls them around her body, and I’m thinking about how hot that is but then, as the camera comes in closer, I realize it’s a dude.

I quickly go back to Typhoid Mary’s part again and stare at some cleavage before proceeding further.

After I get the sword wielding guy, there is someone else I clearly identify as a male who has a wolf literally materializing from his chest. I am completely in this trailer’s palm when I see the Hand start traipsing around the large manse that I believe is Elektra’s base of operations. Not only do I get black hooded ninjas, I get white hooded ones as well. Before I am able to praise all that was holy about Michael Dudikoff’s AMERICAN NINJA series, Jennifer’s bodice is smashingly revealed like that woman from the Hot for Teacher video as she gets up on that table to dance. All that’s missing is the kicking beat, but, alas, there is none.

We get real quick scenes of her kicking some air ass as she twirls around her sais but I notice there is a little girl involved. There’s a kid who seems to be part of Elektra’s life in this movie and I rush to my nerd encyclopedia (back issues of the series, natch) and I cannot find a single flipping issue where Elektra has a sidekick that young. Somehow I think that Goran Visnjic has something to do with the kid being there, but I can’t say for sure as I reel in horror as this movie’s plot is revealed to me by voiceover guy.

“One generation must protect the next.”

So this is going to be a damn kidnapping flick? As I come to terms with this being a buddy movie on the level of a Sidekicks TV special (I loved that show) one of the stills that comes up between the fight scenes says that this movie is being brought to us by the forces that gave us X-MEN. I’m calling shenanigans on that remark. Yeah, Zak Penn helped to write X2 but it was really the synergy between Singer and David Hayter that were the real forces that brought us the X flicks, chumps. That kid thing still irks me, though, as we head into the final moments of the trailer.

That little bending of the truth in the previous statement is quickly overlooked by some great looking effects as the man who I thought was a woman who ended up being a guy appears again only to turn into a fine mist as Garner tries to slice him in half and as the guy who had a wolf appearing from his chest has dozens of snakes materializing from his midsection. Plus, this trailer gets kudos from me for the near lesbian kiss between Garner and Mary and for including a crapload of martial arts. Evidenced by the latter MATRIX movies kung-fu does not a film make but seeing how this film is slated for release on January 14, when the collective movie scene is ensconced in movies pretentiously preening for an Oscar nod, a little Garner in a skimpy red top whipping around sharp blades seems like a good reason to at least keep a watchful eye on this one.

And Aime, seriously, get some help.

Director: Joel Zwick
Cast: Kenan Thompson, Shedrack Anderson III, Aaron Frazier, Omarion, Marques Houston
Release: December 25, 2004
Synopsis: Bill Cosby’s character, “Fat Albert,” comes to the big screen as a live action/animated feature film. The movie is based on Cosby’s stand-up comedy monologues about his childhood, centered around a group of urban adolescents growing up in a Philadelphia neighborhood.

Prognosis: Negative. No, little Bobby, that sound you hear is not the clickity-clack of a train but of the sound of my own childhood ready to jump the tracks.

“Staying Alive” by the Bee-Gees plays in the background. A vicious red sweater and too blue of a pair of pants starts jostling up and down. Voiceover man tries to tell me, trying to be all coy and crap, that Fat Albert was a “hero” who “walked the walk” and “talked the talk.” Before the hideous sight of Keenen as Fat Albert, saying Fat’s signature line and scaring the holy hell out of me in a moment of disbelief about what I’m seeing, comes lunging at me I am at a loss at how heroic a cartoon can be. I try to compare Fat’s actions to the Looney Tunes Weasel, who tried as hard as his little rodent will would allow him in trying to get a hold of a delicious chicken only to be thwarted by Foghorn Leghorn every time, but I don’t see it even coming close. The Looney Tunes Weasel wins hands down.

By looking at the trailer it appears to be that Fat jumps out of the TV and into real life by landing in the middle of someone’s family room. He shocks a woman out of her gourd before cutting to a scene where she teaches the rest of Fat’s crew about how to operate a can of soda. While I found most of what this trailer has to offer some filmmakers idea of a joke, the soda bit is actually the best part of this thing.

After we get the gang acclimated to 2004, where one of them mentions that malls look like indoor cities, even though Woodfield Mall, one of the largest in the country, in Illinois was open at the time that he was “supposedly” around. Fat then has someone trying to take his red sweater off only to have Fat protest and whisper he doesn’t know what’s underneath it. Ha-Ha, my good man. Good one.

We get Jeff Garlin, obviously needing a little extra something in his pocket for the holidays, asking the gang if they’re yanking his chain over some remark, that we don’t get to hear, but no one understands his idiomatic expression because it originated in a time they’re not familiar with. Again, awful.

We get the ubiquitous stomach slap as Fat projects a skinny man backward when he high-fives with his tummy, Fat raps, Fat finds true love, they all try to get back to the cartoon world by trying to fling themselves at the picture tube, no-face-hat-wearing Donald is teased about his chapeau (a joke already made funny years ago on a Newsradio episode), Fat finds he can skateboard real well by accident and he even manages to get his fingers slammed in a window. Bill Cosby makes a cameo appearance in this but it’s really all for naught. Awful and shameful and all sorts of ““fuls.

If you need to punish your ten-year-old, take him to see this.

Director: Jonathan Caouette
Cast: Jonathan Caouette, Michael Cox, Adolph Davis, Rosemary Davis, Renee Leblanc, David Sanin Paz
Release: October 8, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Filmmaker Jonathan Caouette’s documentary on growing up with his schizophrenic mother — a mixture of snapshots, Super-8, answering machine messages, video diaries, early short films, and more — culled from 19 years of his life.

Prognosis: Positive. I’m usually against the use of cards to pimp a film. They’re intrusive at times, annoying at others, obnoxious and they can sometimes destroy the groove of a trailer. The way they’re used for this film, however, adds a certain richness to the trailer that is at the same time satisfying and intriguing.

We’re told everything we need to know by the cards in-between scenes of this film.

“It was 20 years in the making.”

Lovely powdery blue skies fill the screen.

“It was filmed against impossible odds.”

There’s a soothing guitar medley play as I wonder, “Well, if it was impossible, how did the guy do it?” Sorry, it’s just a reaction.

Our filmmaker is hugging someone in black and white.

“It’s unlike any movie you’ve seen before.”

Really, it is. The picture starts to turn into kinetic artwork as our director goes from a baby picture, to one of him as a young man, and lets us see his evolution as a person.

A quote from LA Weekly chimes in with his own opinion about why this is such a great film.

Our director makes a call concerning about his mother. He wonders if she is still not talking.

Another quote, this time from a guy over at Newsweek.

Frames of a woman who may be our director’s mother flicker for a moment before they are replaced of those of him, smiling.

We get a quote from the Los Angeles Times.

More home movie footage, inexplicably random, appears before a quote by Roger Ebert who extols praise on this man’s effort. This is about the time when things get a little weird. Quick shots of unrelated images are shown with the kind of rapidity like an overworked Cuisinart before things settle on this man’s mother. He asks her what she thought of her first moments at a psychiatric hospital. Our director pleads with her to talk about it before she turns tail and walks away.

Executive producers are Gus Van Sant and James Cameron Mitchell. I feel safe with these names. I usually don’t with any name that comes up for executive producers but I do with these. Some of the best avant-garde cinema, if I can use that word without sounding too snobbish, has trickled from their respective efforts.

Various front shots of our director fill some of the time; we see him going from young lad to young adult.

This film was a winner of the Los Angeles Film Festival and was also an official selection at, well, everywhere, judging by the list.

One of the last contiguous clips comes from someone the director knows who accuses him of trying to, “scheme something on me.” Some protestations to the contrary go nowhere with the old coot.

“Your greatest creation is the life you lead.”

Some real odd music plays, although I quite enjoyed it, but the amounts of clips and examples of what this film is about was enough to convince me that this could the most affective movie that’s getting a limited release this year.

Director: Kevin Kerwin
Cast: Andrew Benator, Claire Winters, Matthew Lawler, Dave T. Koenig, Finnerty Steeves, Wendy Herlich, Leonard H. Robinson, Katherine Markey, Jacqueline Sydney
Release: TBD, for wide release, and hopefully soon to a film festival near you.
Synopsis: An inside look at one of the nation’s top film programs – UNY Film School. The blood, sweat and tears of student filmmaking – all leading up to the awarding of UNY’s coveted Filmic Achievement Award – given to the best filmmaker in each graduating class.

Prognosis: Positive. The opening starts just like an informational video for a film school.

There’s an establishing shot of the school and that’s where we hear an interviewed voice telling us about the top faculty, a shot showing a barefooted hippie-type, sitting Indian-style on a conference table which is worth a few laughs, and a teacher showing students how to make sure your thumb and index finger are properly positioned so you can get an idea of perspective. Everyone in the room follows his lead. Buck Felty, a spokesperson and dean for UNY Film School, looks like a younger, well-rested Bill Murray type. He’s quiet but his voice is soothing as he says to his interviewer that the hungry kids he deals with who have “a big, gaping hole” in them and that they’re the ones who are ready to fill it. You can do nothing more than believe him.

From the get-go you see that this movie is going to play it straight and go for the laughs that way. It’s daring but as this trailer reveals more and more you can’t help but be amused by its sublimity.

Since this movie is a mocumentary of those in a six month film school program you can only begin to start thinking of those who would populate a quick and dirty institution like this. One of the other people interviewed, a woman who states that she won second place at the Brooklyn Transgender Shorts Festival with her first piece, is absolutely endearing as she sells her abilities in front of the camera. She embodies, as does the other participants in this film, certain stereotypes of those looking to make it in the film industry. The only problem that one should have with poking fun at the very same art form the legitimate filmmakers are trying to do here is if it felt false or wasn’t able to sell itself on its premise. Some might sense something too raw about their own experience and put the film down out of spite, but it works.

It sells the idea and it’s funny to see these filmmakers with enough tunnel vision to warrant a kick in the head with a steel boot in order to snap them out of their candy coated dream world. Before that happens, though, we get Delvo Christian. He is the kind of guy who, if you had to work for him on a film set, violence might ensue against him. Too serious to be taken seriously and too arty for everyone else, the man embodies a belief in all things obtuse and melodramatic but thinks he’s being poetic. Mike Pack, the Kevin James look-alike, seems like the real comedic relief here who believes that after six months he’ll be ready to film a movie. The level of myopia present in all these people is amusing itself. This six month program, as well, has a competition to see who will win an illustrious film prize for best film.

A musical interlude starts to show the various productions as they are put together.

A title card puts up the words “12 students” in small white letters; it’s at once unassuming and completely helpful in gaining more information. We have people talking about what their aims are as filmmakers as we get more from Delvo and his assumption that he deserves to win the Filmic Achievement Award simply because of who he is. Some bits play from one group’s film and we essentially fade, as does the music, away into the background.

Comedy is one of the hardest genres to be successful in, but this film looks good enough to warrant a screening to see if the trailer was the best thing about this film. From the outside looking in, though, it appears that it could deliver.

Director: Gurinder Chadha
Cast: Aishwarya Rai, Martin Henderson, Daniel Gillies, Naveen Andrews, Namrata Shirodkar
Release: December 24, 2004 (New York, LA)
Synopsis: A Bollywood update of Jane Austen’s classic tale, where Mrs. Bennet is eager to find suitable husbands for her five unmarried daughters. When the rich single gentlemen Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy come to live nearby, the Bennets have high hopes, though circumstance and boorish opinions threaten to get in the way of romance.

Prognosis: Positive. Alright, it’s been a little while since I’ve put something here worthy to take your ladies out and see.

I was a big fan of MONSOON WEDDING and I am not ashamed to extol the delight I’ve found in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, so it is with great joy that Gurinder Chadha has taken a Jane Austin classic (I give respect for all the English majors in the house who had to get through this) and has really given it a Bollywood treatment.

Things begin with a flourish of drums and bright saris as people twirl and choreograph themselves around each other. Voiceover guy ruins the fun by giving us a Casey Kasem “From the director of”¦” It’s not really that hard, however, to completely ignore what the man is saying in order to pay attention to the action on the screen; nor is that hard to ignore the sound of the man’s voice as you gaze on the new hotness of Aishwarya Rai. Yeow.

We get more dancing, flames, color and excitement as voiceover man intrudes once more to tell us that our Indian heroine, Aishwarya, is about to have an arranged marriage but that she has a mind of her own about who she is going to marry. Her mother, though, has other plans and makes mention for the lovely lady to smile in front of potential suitors and not to say anything too intelligent; patriarchal, misogynistic customs have never been funnier, in my own opinion, than they are here. Of the possible men she is able to get hitched with is John Jameson from SPIDER-MAN 2, with her last choice being a rich, bumbling American idiot (why are we always the rubes in international films?), Martin Henderson, who is, according to our protagonist, “conceited and arrogant.” We then are given her mother’s choice. This is probably my favorite because he exudes so much sleaze and who giggles like Yakov Smirnoff. I’m a sucker for it every time and because we are given a shot of him eating with his hands in a such a piggish manner and a snippet of him trying to seduce Aishwarya in a black wife beater, clad in his garish gold chains, the guy gets my vote.

From here we get a music interlude where there is dancing in the rain, more dancing by a cast of thousands, loads of confetti, and pimped out elephants. It does not help that the voiceover tells us this is a movie where Bollywood meets Hollywood, but since this is going for the female dollar and not really mine it’s acceptable here. We do get a great line from Henderson who mentions what he thinks of Indian dancing:

“It looks like you just screw in a light bulb in with one hand and pet the dog with the other.”

You’ve got to love that cultural insensitivity masked behind a veil of complete ignorance as Leo Sayer’s “Feel Like Dancing” gets pounded into your ears. I love crap like this.

Director: George Lucas
Cast: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Frank Oz, Ian McDiarmid, Jimmy Smits, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew
Release: May 19, 2005
Synopsis: As the Clone War continues, Anakin Skywalker finds himself dangerously close to the Dark Side of the Force and comes into conflict with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Prognosis: Cautious. Seeing how most of the rank and file in Nerdom (myself included) have already seen this, let’s see if we all can’t pick this thing apart and try to prestidigitate whether George’s latest, and hopefully final, foray into a galaxy far, far away is going to deliver.

First thing that you notice? The new footage isn’t the lead-off hitter here. We get some of John Williams’ classic score with the opening titles to every STAR WARS flick. First visual out of the gate is Luke from the first one, walking like he’s carrying a heavy load in his pants, as we’re offered Sir Alec Guinness’ treatise on the Jedi Knight order. We even get a little Qui-Gon Jinn, a little somethin’ somethin’ from CLONES, and some different views of Anakin. They’re obviously building up the whole, dark side thing, and it’s a nice way to lead but, damn, get to the new footage already. We’ve already burned about half the running time of this thing.

Alright, just when I’m ready to start ripping on this thing, we get Anakin with really menacing yellow (Sith?) eyes looking back at us. I’m skeeved by the appearance but that’s a good thing. Are there any resident nerds out there who can say whether this represents Anakin’s decent into the dark side and does this explain the emperor’s crazy eyes? Anyhow, the introduction to the heavy Darth breathing with an exploding volcano in the background is a nice touch. The shot lingers longingly on these volcanoes as then we’re treated to the appearance of some metal spider contraption (possibly to retrieve his fried body?) and the screen fades black.

The emperor asks Lord Vader to rise.

We get snippets, and shots, of the major players in this sixth episode. Of most interest, and believe me it is not that Muppet Yoda, is Chewy. Actually, it’s a whole lotta Chewies as Vader comes off the assembly line, fresh in his black leather getup.

From here, the snippets start going off like a string of Black Cats. There’s some planes flying with that signature sound trailing behind them, Yoda unleashes his green monster, Anakin and Padme do a little smooching thing, and then, the best part, a whole lotta Wookies appear ready to start throwing down with an unknown enemy. Mace Windu, Samuel L. Jackson, looks to be taking his last stand and, if his interviews over the past few years are any indication, he’ll be going out with a shebang. There’s a freaky-looking tall guy with rat teeth, some interstellar firefighters are putting out a smoldering ship, Obi and Anakin duke it the hell out, some more stuff gets blown up and then a freaky looking ghoul with a lightsaber looks to do some damage. The ending score rocks hard as does the end titles.

Will it suck? PHANTOM MENACE was worse than CLONES so there seems to be some progression happening here. Oh, and P.S., don’t think I didn’t notice there isn’t a shred of dialogue present here. It’s probably one of the smartest decision George has done in a while and it does this trailer a great service by holding back anything coming out of their mouths.

Director: Patrick Paulson, Michael John Warren
Cast: Jay-Z, Mary J. Blige, Foxy Brown, Michael Buffer, Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs, Damon Dash, Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliott, R. Kelly, Ghostface Killah, Beyoncé Knowles
Release: November 5, 2004
Synopsis: Filmed during his “Black Album” era, Jay-Z looks back on his career as one of rap music’s most successful emcees and entrepreneurs.

Prognosis: Negative. Public Enemy always said, “Don’t believe the hype.”

With this documentary there is no doubt that I won’t.

What we have here, essentially, is a concert film. There isn’t anything else left to expound upon regarding this issue but if you read the placards interposed with the footage being provided you would have no way of knowing this. Now, I am a big fan of the concert film format and with Paramount Classics behind the thing you would think this would be more than just a MTV-style (derisively used in this case) long form video from some of the biggest 15-minute famers this side of the Bronx but as it is, and judging by the success of the recent tour outing Jay has had with R. Kelly, there ain’t nothin’ else goin’ on but the rent.

“November 23 2003″

The above is the first thing out of the gate about this film. We get New York City at nighttime with the sound of a helicopter ready to make a landing in the city, yo. We get a modulated voiceover letting us know that Jay-Z sold out the garden in a way that makes it sound like he’s just scaled Mt. Everest. It’s an accomplishment, yes, and all the fans that are giving it up for ol’ Z in front of the camera are really eager to let us confirm that. We get a good look at the sea of humanity just waiting to see the man perform, his fans eagerly anticipating his show. I’m cool up until this point, but then I see this:

“History was made.”

Huh?

Did I miss my memo? I know the boat passed me by on the whole leet speak thing but damn. I’m positive I would have found out from random 12 year-olds strolling though Hot Topic as to why this was a day to live on in infamy but instead all I get is a verbal non sequitur from some random guy, clad in a white doo rag and a blue cap placed demurely askew atop his head, dribbling on at the mouth about “the freeway’s there” and “we here. The boys.” Allright, if you say so, Chief. Further investigation into why I feel so consternated trying to follow this trailer only leads into this placard:

“The Ultimate Artist.”

I’m expecting to see Prince, Full Force, or even the O’ Jays but all I see is Jay-Z walking out of his limo and before I can yell “shenanigans” I see the other placard:

“The Ultimate Concert.”

Sigh. We see more of Jay walking through the bowels of Madison Square Garden, holmes hasn’t performed once yet on the screen, and then we quickly flash to one year later as the mixing of this recorded event takes place. The audio snippet we are given says that the recoding being made is going to be a “living testament” to “history in the making.” Even with some visual aides that show some flash of the audience and the resulting be-bopping of Jay-Z on stage, with all the lights and accoutrements of a Vegas side show, it all just reminded me of that time one year when I saw Hammer perform. I couldn’t see him when he was M.C. Hammer, I didn’t have enough money, but when Hammer came to play and I could afford to see him on the downslide of his career I was there getting my teenage swerve on and this show reminds me of that in a way.

What else really doesn’t “do it” for me? Well, Puff Daddy for one (you are not P-Diddy, you are not P-Did, and you most definitely are not P.D.). He overstates the point when he says that Jay-Z in the garden is history in the making. First of all, Puff, take off the mink and take off the sun glasses; you’re inside a sweaty stadium. Second, by showing how great it is that he manages to hang with Usher (tick tick tick on those 15 minutes), Mike D from the Beastie Boys and Rick Rubin (the real legends in this thing), it does nothing to answer the question about what makes this concert so special. Oh, yeah, the answer comes in the concert footage showing you getting down with “yo’ bad self” with a booty shaking Beyonce. Nice. Keep it real, Dude. Oh yeah, and spotlighting R. Kelly is really cool too. Someday I wish I could say I had an alleged child urinator at my historic music show, too.

Also, generally speaking, thanks for throwing another “historic” testimonial my way as well. It really seals the deal.

I think my aggression against this trailer is that it doesn’t make its case for why this was historic. I would’ve bought the reason that this was going to be the last time any of these people would be on stage with each other. I would’ve listened if Jay-Z said why this Lollapalooza of hip-hop acts and studio gangstas was so momentous for either him or for some kid dying of leprosy that he promised a hell of a show to. Instead, I get treated to a commercial extolling the virtues of absolutely nothing. It’s hard to make a case if you don’t give a reason for me to care. One side or the other will believe you but you’ve got to make the point.

I’d sooner say that Motown 45, a special that aired on ABC earlier this year, is more deserving of the title “historic event.” I like my artists to have a little more staying power than the flash in the pans that many of these artists will be but that’s just me.

Director: Uwe Boll
Cast: Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez, Will Sanderson, Udo Kier
Release: 2005
Synopsis: In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother’s rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires. Two vampire hunters, Sebastian and Vladimir, from the Brimstone Society persuade her to join their cause.

Prognosis: Hilarious. Man, did I have a good laugh.

Can you ever recall a movie moment when you simply couldn’t believe what you were seeing? That the she was a he with a dong in THE CRYING GAME? That mimbo Brad Pitt actually managed to be at the heart of what made FIGHT CLUB and SEVEN two of the best films made in the 90’s? This is the same thing, in a way, but this time it’s the people starring in this film that make this trailer so unbelievable.

Kristanna Loken, an 18th century Blade who is half-human and half-vampire, is out to avenge her mother’s rape and takes two men along with her to accomplish her mission. While the premise is really about a feminine version of Wesley Snipes who goes around killing things it has all the makings and stench of a B-grade splatter fest. All you have to do is put Antonio Sabato Jr. in there, let a few gallons of blood spill everywhere, ratchet up the violence, give something to the 13 year-olds (read here: copious nudity), and make sure you give some nods to the video game to let the fanboys know you’re all about “keeping it real.” Seems easy, right?

Oh, no, my good man. There is actually more talent to be found in this thing than you’d guess. When this thing first opens it’s a little disorienting as the sounds of clanging blades and squirts of blood shooting in indiscriminate directions makes it hard to focus. All of a sudden we see Kristanna, looking like one of those freaky hippy chicks that went gonzo over human entrails in FACES OF DEATH, donning a strange look on her face. I’m thinking it night be that half-vampire thing expressing itself but I won’t ever know for sure I’m whisked away to images of her just standing on a dark hill, playing with her swords; it’s cheesier than anything I’ve ever seen this year.

Was this woman really the Terminatress? What makes the pot sweeter is Michael Madsen popping on screen riding on a trusty steed. His hair is all lanky, dirty and I’m sure he’s really aiming to impress as they show how he can literally throw down with his sword, killing something that we can’t see. Michael’s riding buddy, Matt Davis, also looks sturdy on his flea ridden glue factory but he’s also shown how he can also throw down with his sword. Repetitious, sure, but we’re not shown what they’re disemboweling. Fact: if you want to get the young demographic to see a movie about vampire killing then you’ll have to show some vampires being killed.

At this point I’m a little confused about why there’s hardly any good American violence but I end up sympathizing, identifying if you will, with all the actors present in this thing. I realize it must be rent time. A lifestyle needs to be paid for and this seems like the Hollywood equivalent to working at a local Piggly Wiggly for a few a weekends, pimping Bagel Bites, for extra dough. I don’t knock them for that, though. What does alarm me is that Michelle Rodriguez pops up in this thing, really stretching her acting abilities in this one as she looks, well, surly and pissed at everyone. She then proceeds to, get this, shove a sword into someone’s chest; what’s even more amazing, however, is that we’re shown the chest in full bleed mode. My frown has turned upside down and I am digging the copious amounts of graphic imagery, but then it happens.

The very nexus point that turned this trailer into one of the glorious five that get reviewed here every week reveals itself: Ben Kingsley shows up.

I’m floored.

I hope someone out there takes a look at things up to this point in the trailer and agrees with me when I say that it’s one the weirdest things you’ll ever witness. I don’t know if Ben’s a vampire killer or a vampire killer killer but Sir Ben is shown blatantly murdering someone on a bed. He just kills “˜em. Quicker than a Keanau “whoa” Kristanna makes another appearance. As she’s the movie’s namesake she’s shown at the end killing a few more people, vampires, in a bloody rage of fury.

I would be too quick to call this movie crap, and it would probably be unfair, but I can give a guarantee that you won’t ever see a cosmic convergence of star power like this anytime soon. Bad film never looked so funny.

Director: Christoffer Boe
Cast: Nikolaj Lie Kaas, Maria Bonnevie, Krister Henriksson, Nicolas Bro
Release: September 10, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Increasingly cool towards his wife Aimee, yet haunted by jealousy, August starts to invent the story of her infidelity. Enter Alex, a charismatic young photographer who dreams of a romance beyond what he has with girlfriend his Simone. After a night with Aimee, Alex wakes to find that he has become, in a significant and literal way, a different person. Cristoffer Boe’s debut feature is a twisty and entertaining Kieslowski-like urban love story that plays with form and style in ways that will surprise you and keep audiences talking about it for a long time.

Prognosis: Beautiful. If I could tell Palm Pictures about how most everything they’ve put out there this year has simply looked great I would. I would like to say something about the content of these pictures but to do so would be speculation as there simply aren’t that many art houses here in the great Southwest to take chances on these kinds of pictures. This one comes to us from across the ocean so, yeah, there’s some reading involved but it shouldn’t matter so much in this movie as the premise is wicked sharp.

A man breathing out a mouthful of smoke opens things up. It seems cold, urban. A card flashes on the screen.

“It happens every day.”

A city at night; it looks busy and congested. The very same man from the beginning meets a woman on a subway train. They smile at one another.

“You see a chance.”

A lazy jazz cut lingers in the back as our hero spots the same woman having a drink by herself at a lonely, dark bar. He chats her up. She seems very receptive.

“You make a choice.”

The two of them go back to her apartment and come together and then come separately. The scenes shown from the actual act are tastefully represented in snippets of mouths, eyes, parts of the back, in a much romanticized way. Then, a woman’s lips blows out a match. The music stops.

“The outcome is nothing you could have imagined.”

The man rides the subway home to find he can’t get into his apartment because his door is no longer where he left it. A neighbor doesn’t understand what the guy’s talking about when he knocks on her door and doesn’t even acknowledge any memory of he is. No one does. Friends and family all stick to the same story: they’ve never met the man in their lives. As soon as the screen fades, after a nice looking flip book effect of a silhouetted man falling flickers on the screen, the awards come up. Cannes is but one in a few competitions this film has won an award. It’s not much but, again, in cases were you have a foreign film it’s best to show how pimp your movie is compared to the other films you’re in competion with.

A lonely violin orchestra plays behind the man without a past as he runs though a vacant street and then comes upon someone who claims to not know him. He asks this woman, the very same woman from the beginning, to talk to him. He says he knows nothing but wants, “to know everything.” Yeah, it’s a little obsequious and arty but it just feels right.

I tell you what, no bull crapping aside, this trailer makes me want to seek out this film to see what is going to happen to this guy. I feel bad for him by the end of this thing and it has completely “OWN3D” me in every sense of the word. There are some obligatory review snippets from some reviewers about how good the film is but just looking at this trailer and trying to piece together where this film will go is satisfaction enough..

Director: Kevin Rodney Sullivan
Cast:
Release: March 25, 2005
Synopsis: A sarcastic father (Mac) has plenty to say about his daughter wanting to marry a white boy (Kutcher).

Prognosis: Negative. Ashton Kutcher. Bernie Mac. Boy, is this a mismatch.

Alright, for those keeping score at home, this is studio picture that hopes to cast a wide net at the total pool of moviegoing folk. What this means is that you can expect sub-standard directing, writing that mimics Must See/TGIF TV (Just think if Joey, Life With Jim, My Wife and Kids, et. al, are all put into a blender), and make sure you add very tired and busted ending. That said, however, the trailer doesn’t do much to break out of this formulaic stereotype. Literally.

Any movie that starts with “X has the perfect life”¦” is in trouble with me. Obviously, the three steps you can see ahead of you will forecast that this person’s life is going to go into the crapper. Ashton is a successful businessman who has a hot looking girlfriend. She’s literally strapped to his hip when he comes home to his lady and they really love each other. This must be the movies because all I get when I get home is questions about whether or not I remembered the dry cleaning, did I remember to call that person who left us a message last night or how tragic it is that a friend of hers knows someone who was just diagnosed with herpes.

So, Ashton and his lady are going on a trip to see his girlfriend’s father who just happens to be Bernie Mac. The reverse racial jokes start just as soon as Bernie mistakes the cab driver, who happens to be black, for being his daughter’s boyfriend. Bernie then tells Ashton where to stick the luggage. We even get that annoying warped music stop (a variant of the record scratch when an epiphany descends on one of the characters) when Bernie realizes that Ashton is, in fact, the man his daughter is in love with.

Oh yeah, the laughs keep coming when, at dinner, one of the daughter’s relatives ask whether or not they’re any available black men in New York. Yeah, good one. Then you get one of the friends of the girlfriend who’s really excited to see who her boyfriend is and, discovering it’s Ashton, mistakes him for the IRS because, class, If You Happen To Be A White Person In A Black Person’s House You Must Be There For Something Related To Business; you obviously couldn’t be there for any other reason.

The rest of the trailer is how Bernie and Ashton deal with the consternation that Bernie has about his daughter dating a white guy. What I find works well, if anything, is that Ashton is able to summon the powers that be and channel the same guy he was in MY BOSSES DAUGHTER, JUST MARRIED, DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR, and every other movie, with the exception of BUTTERFLY EFFECT, he’s ever done. To be able and call it in every time with consistency takes some talent if nothing else. And believe me, after you watch this trailer you will be convinced there is nothing else.

I really don’t mean to take such a stiff tone but, damn, did BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE or HEAD OF STATE teach us nothing when it comes to this kind of inane humor? Obviously not, as this one is headed straight to the theaters in the early half of next year and will likely be a hit with older white folk everywhere.

Director: Terry George
Cast: Don Cheadle, Sophie Okonedo, Nick Nolte, Desmond Dube, Antonio David Lyons, Mothusi Magano
Release: December 22, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Don Cheadle stars in the true-life story of Paul Rusesabagina, a hotel manager who housed over a thousand Tutsis refugees during their struggle against the Hutu militia in Rwanda.

Prognosis: Positive. For anyone who didn’t see one of the best 52 minutes of television dealing with how things really went down in regard to the conflict in Rwanda, and I speak here of Fronline’s exposé on PBS, you missed a wonderful opportunity to see how vicious and sinister hoards of humans can be against their own people. Politicial leanings aside the Rwandan conflict should be counted as one of the worst moments of the Clinton presidency. One of the real horrors is that we could have stopped the mass genocide had we spoke up and intervened.

Don Cheadle plays a hotel manager for one of the nicest hotels in Rwanda. It looks nice as there are people frolicking near the pool. It’s no pool like the one at Treasure Island in Vegas, but it’ll do. Don lives there with his family and they’re painted as being content with their familial splendor. His kids are idyllically playing with a rope as he gets a little sugar with his wife. His voiceover is happy up to the point where he says, “until the day everything changed.”

Military and paramilitary men march through a main thoroughfare of a Rwandan city, carrying banners, obviously serious about something. The next thing you see is the same soldiers riding in green jeeps, their machine guns hanging over the side. Don’s son lets him know what’s going on and there is obviously some concern about what’s developing.

“Based on a true story.”

Usually when you get a movie based on a true story you could really almost discard it. Anything on Lifetime usually qualifies for this distinction in my book, but here it’s welcome as it’s a glimpse into history that many people never knew was happening.

Back in the trailer, guns go off, chaos reigns, looting seems to be de regur and there is a sense of lawlessness. Don is reassured when the UN shows up on the scene as he figures everything will get taken care of and order will be restored. Hell, I’d think the same thing. Nick Nolte, though, mentions how the UN are there as peacekeepers, not peacemakers. This comment will only serve to fuel the actions of those who are terrorizing Rwandans.

“We’re a four-star hotel, not a refugee camp.”

People are shuttled into Don’s hotel, obviously for shelter. Some children are huddled in an ambulance as an aid worker says that the Tutsi children are being ethnically killed to stop their numbers from growing. Don grows disillusioned as he wonders out loud why no one is intervening in this crisis. Joaquin Phoenix, a photojournalist with a ferocious beard, makes the best point when Don asks him why no one will help and Joaquin simply states that Americans will see what’s going on, say how horrible it is, and continue eating their dinner. It’s a culture of apathy that prevents any real action from happening.

A bus full of white folk get the hell out of Rwanda in a New York minute and sit in stark contrast to Cheadle who stands in the middle of a rainstorm knowing what the exodus will mean. Then, out of nowhere, a rocket, which really almost looks like a Ball Park frank being shot of the end of a sparkler, flies up into the air and slams into the hotel.

Some cut scenes are shown of more violence on the part of rebel insurgents before you see Don hanging on the edge of a truck, bound for safer harbors, but saying good-bye to his family as he stays behind to help those who need helping.

Don confronts one of the leaders of the mass genocide, obviously trying to play both sides of the fence for his own survival, and has a bombastic moment worthy of an Oscar (Trademark, All Rights Reserved, Copyrighted) statuette. The rest of the trailer is filled with a rich score that only supports the emotional component of this film as we’re shown Don helping out anyone and everyone he can.

There are two things at play here in this trailer: the establishment of stark realism in showing the things that transpired over a decade ago in an African country and the performance of Don Cheadle which seems to gravitate towards the dramatic. What’s here, though, is more than enough to warrant some attention towards Don as a worthy award contender.

Director: Ryan Schifrin
Cast: Matt McCoy, Haley Joel, Michael Deak, Paul Gleason, Dee Wallace-Stone
Release: 2005
Synopsis: There’s a beast on the loose in the forest. Is it the abominable snowman?

Prognosis: So bad, it’s good. Who out there finds themselves longing for the simpler times of “˜80s horror cinema when movies like CHOPPING MALL, GHOULIES, PHANTASAM, CRITTERS, THE HOWLING, et al., were the bee’s knees for any kid worth their weight in subversive VHS rentals?

One of the things I still can get behind, and I don’t get behind much unless she’s really eager, natch, is a good shake “˜em up scare flick. Hollywood simply doesn’t make these kinds of films anymore and the direct-to-video crap they have on the shelves of Blockbuster just isn’t going to cut my need for good horror. This film, ABOMINABLE, while not really splatter-worthy, looks like a good step back in the right direction.

This trailer opens with an awful Peggy Lee-like ditty, but it is saccharine-sweet on purpose, the frame showing an ominously bare tree and as the shot is nearly overexposed. That’s when we get the words on the screen: “If a woman screams in a forest”¦” I’m loving life at this point but the title cards dissolve slowly, the bare tree appearing once more, “and no one is there to hear”¦” it says. The cards dissolve again only to have the scene get blurry, as this trailer begins with the conceit that this is being projected by film, the sound of a running projector prominent in the sound field and everything, the sound and the visuals, warp out of focus. “Does she still make a sound?”

We next then get a shot of the yeti himself taking in a leisurely stroll through the woods as he is just barely recognizable in the “film” footage being shown. It cuts quickly to a picture of someone’s eyes behind some mini-blinds as they ask someone if they’ve seen anything. High pitched violins ratchet up the tension level as we then get a couple of po-po’s with wide brimmed hats surveying a crash scene. One tells another that they still haven’t found any bodies (Ooo”¦missing bodies”¦) as we get a look at one of those old school station wagons (who the hell drives those things anymore, anyway?) with a large hole punched out in the windshield on the driver’s side. And then, Paul Gleason, Principal Richard Vernon himself, says that they should go check out the woods. As I think back about how appropriate that the consummate 80’s icon like him is in a movie that harkens back a couple of decades, I almost miss seeing the trippers innocent Catholic school girls who will become fodder for the screaming that will happen later on in this film. Of course there is an implied promise of nudity, but nothing beats a hapless, hopeless honey trying to hightail it as she tries to escape in a forest. And then, like a present from the “˜80s movie gods, we get our protagonist, Matt McCoy, star of POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT: MIAMI BEACH, who plays a cripple, er, a person with physical maladies. I don’t care who you are but if you’re any fan of horror films you can’t tell me that it wasn’t sweet as all hell when that one guy in a wheelchair bought it in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 and bumbled down all those steps; quality kill, if you ask me.

Anyhoo, we get more of Matt and then, shortly after, a peek at a woman just getting out of the shower as she wraps a towel around herself and of a blonde in front of her computer as the lights start to flicker. Things get quiet.

“There is something out there.”

Screams of this beast call out as the blonde from the last scene has telltale blood on her face. We get the beast banging on the tail end of a crappy car, the interior lights clearly bright enough to show how scared the blonde is as she tries to get away. There’s chaos everywhere, the cripple, er, disabled guy tries to snag an ax, there’s gunshots, screaming of all kinds, and then we get the money shot: the open mouth of the beast in question as it howls. Bloody footprints are shown in the snow.

I can’t speak so highly, or lowly, of this film. I’m sure it will most likely disappoint on all levels but the whiff of possibility was too tempting to at least not have some hope. And besides that, the poster for this film was designed by none other than Drew Struzan. For those scratching your head about who this master of movie art is, the man is responsible for giving us memorable movie posters for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, various STAR WARS designs, GOONIES, THE THING, and even, my favorite, BETTER OFF DEAD. The man is THE go-to-guy for any poster work, hands down.

Director: Paul Weitz
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, Scarlett Johansson, Selma Blair, Phillip Baker Hall, David Paymer
Release: December 29, 2004
Synopsis: Dan Foreman (played by Dennis Quaid) is headed for a shakeup. He is demoted from head of ad sales for a major magazine when the company he works for is acquired in a corporate takeover. His new boss, Tom (played by Topher Grace) is half his age – a business school prodigy who preaches corporate Synergy. While Dan develops clients through handshake deals and relationships, Tom cross-promotes the magazine with the cell phone division and “Krispity Krunch,” an indeterminate snack food under the same corporate umbrella.

View Trailer:
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Prognosis: Predictable. My boss, the real one who facsimiles his signature on my check and the one who would can me in a second if he knew some of the sites I frequent while on the clock, never reads this column. The guy is nearly five years younger and only has a fraction of a college education. I’m bitter about both these facts and I can completely relate to Dennis Quaid’s situation in this new movie.

The trailer gets right to the chase in the first few seconds without the aid of a voice over or some placards. Topher Grace is going to be Dennis’ new boss. Scarlett Johnannson is Dennis’ supa fine daughter. She and Topher are riding in an elevator. The two of them have no idea who the other one is. Topher opens up and says it’s his first day on the job and even tosses a “I have no idea what I’m doing” line at her before making the eventual discovery of everything all that more comedic. When Topher and Dennis meet for the first time, Dennis casually asks how old he is. Upon responding 26, Topher asks Dennis the same question. The way Dennis says the words “fifty-one” you can feel the weight of the response in his voice as does Topher’s quickly thrown-back comment about Dennis being as old as his dad. Ok, it seems like a plot out of a bad King of Queens episode, not there’s really any other kind, but there seems to be something between these two guys.

We interrupt this trailer to tell you that this movie was directed by the same chap who gave us ABOUT A BOY. Thank you.

“You have the potential to be an awesome wingman.”

Topher’s ill-fated attempt to try and be a managerial figure results in some friction between the two of them and it’s completely believable to me. The other nice thing about this plot is that Topher’s life is taking a header into the crapper. The man seems to be a workaholic at twenty-six and is obviously too wrapped up in business to see what a waste it is to lose Selma Blair, who is fed up with his corporate ambition. The boy is just not right in the head. What little slices we are shown of what he does after his lady walks out on his ass make him out to be despondent and a little lost. When Dennis mentions as a goof of whether or not he’d like to have dinner at his house, Topher jumps at that hook with aplomb. With that invitation extended, and the Peter Gabriel hit “Solsbury Hill” cued up while knowing Scarlett is Dennis’ daughter, you can guess what happens next.

Yup. A little hand holding, leading to those dumb little movie smiles, leading to a little romancing, a little undressing, and all the other coquettish things Scarlett can do to entrench herself in Topher’s life before it all comes down when Dad finds out who she’s diddling. Dennis is all butt-hurt when he finds out it’s his boss she’s hooking up with, but I would see this as an advantage I could parlay into a big payday as long as she’s happy. So Dennis is all pissed before Topher gives a delightful soliloquy about love, passion and all that garbage. Either she’ll end up not being with him or she will. I do know, however, is that I just saved you eight bucks.

Director: Steven Soderbergh
Cast: George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bruce Willis, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Vincent Cassel, Don Cheadle, Andy Garcia, Elliott Gould, Eddie Jemison, Bernie Mac, Shaobo Qin, Carl Reiner
Release: December 10, 2004
Synopsis: Danny Ocean (Clooney), reignited flame Tess (Roberts) and the rest of a band of thieves and con men (some returning and some new), team up for another three huge heists, but this time they’re in three different locations (Rome, Paris and Amsterdam). In Amsterdam, the prize is Rembrandt’s “De Nachtwacht” painting, which resides at the Rijksmuseum. Meanwhile, casino owner Terry Benedict (Garcia), whom Ocean and crew ripped off in Las Vegas, is hot on their tail, looking for revenge.

Prognosis: Even the Boston Red Sox would hit it if they could. This is a good, clean trailer.

If I was given the opportunity to create the marketing campaign for this film my first tagline would’ve been “Holy fu#$^& sh$%! Can you believe we managed to squeeze this many egos into a widescreen? I mean, for fu$% sake, how often does this happen? See this film!” However, something with enough star wattage to fuel a small African village the trailer here is surprisingly casual and harkens back to the great trailers of the 50’s; there are intros done for all the major players with kitschy exclamatory descriptors to go along with their on-screen personalities.

I wasn’t sure what to expect with an opening that says “Who can forget that thing they did with that guy that time?” The bleached white view of everyone’s legs as they walk all cool and confident with jazzy music underneath it all, while aesthetically appealing, made me think that this film was going to cater to the low denominators in the house. That concern was assuaged with the next scene of Brad Pitt talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. The shot is over Brad’s shoulder as Andy asks for the money he helped to steal in the first film, with interest, and that he wasn’t the only one looking for the money. Brad walks towards his car, listening to Andy, and it’s a beautiful day out in the parking lot. Brad’s car explodes. Nice.

“It’s payback time!”

The above quote is one in a long string of exclamations that each person gets with their intros. Short of upping the font size to 50% of the screen the nostalgia factor of this shows what kind of mindless fun this movie is trying to be about.

Clooney then comes on the screen and says that they need, all eleven, twelve?, a high paying job. This is an interesting statement as I thought these guys had made the “ultimate score.” But as you scratch your head trying to figure out why it is they are making another go at things we get multiple cut scenes of some exotic European locale. Almost like how the Brady’s needed a paper-thin reason to go to Hawaii (that blasted, cursed idol!) so too do these people need a good reason to go to Europe: they’re too well-known. Works for me.

Catherine Zeta-Wanna-Laya Jones is in this thing, I believe, as some sort of agent Mastermind in training but I’m too busy waiting to hear that T-Mobile chirp to pay attention.

Matt Damon even meets up with Andy Garcia. In the scene we’re shown Andy rudely tells Matt to get out of his car. I’m surprised that Matt isn’t somehow hanging upside down by his short and curlies but this is a very interesting encounter that obviously needs a lot more exposition before I understand how these two can meet in such a nonviolent altercation.

Bernie Mac has a problem with it being called Ocean’s Eleven. His signature combative comedy worked well the first time, as who can forget when he and Matt discussed the finer points of hiring more “coloreds” in Vegas casinos, and it looks like its back for another round. Some say his signature style is shticky and played out at this point but I like it.

George asks the question about what it is they’re stealing and it’s brilliant that the question is never answered because up to this point you’re just trying to get an handle on everything that’s happening in the trailer that you almost forgot this is about thievery of some sort. We are given no indication what it is they’re going to be pilfering and this only helps to up the interest factor in what these guys have flowed to Europe to lift.

I look forward to the time that OCEAN’S ELEVEN takes over SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION as the movie that gets played nightly on either TBS or TNT. I can watch the movie again and again without it ever becoming a nuisance. Also, I get a kick of the Mormon brothers; Casey Affleck and Scott Caan are just great antagonists.

Director: John Polson
Cast: Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning, Famke Janssen, Elisabeth Shue, Amy Irving, Dylan Baker
Release: April 1, 2005
Synopsis: A widowed father desperately tries to break through to his nine year old daughter when she creates a creepy, maniacal imaginary friend with a terrifying vendetta. Imaginary friends can seem so real.

Prognosis: Positive if Dakota buys it by the end. Ok.

Since Dakota Fanning’s career is still burgeoning, I feel an obligation to track it with the kind of anticipation that many young boys out there showed as they waited for the eventual personal demise of the Olsen twins. Some people enjoy collecting stamps or coins, but I like to try and pick out who will eventually have their own E! True Hollywood Story told to millions. I’m betting the farm on Dakota.

To be fair, I’ll take this thing from the top with Robert De Niro. At first the man seems to be a guardian of sorts to a crazy looking Dakota. While this movie opens up in the city the bulk of what’s going happen looks to be in the country. Famke Jannsen says that little Dakota needs to “works through this.” What this is we’re not sure but Bobby says he needs to be a full-time dad.

Whoa! Go-Go-Gadget fertility! A man his age deserves to have a wet nurse Dakota’s age not being the one responsible for her upbringing, but I’ll play along like a good little boy.

Dakota has an imaginary friend named Charlie. First of all, when you have a kid that looks so obviously Robert Smith of the Cure pale and evil like Dakota appears to be in this thing the best method for dealing with it is not sequestering yourself in a remote country house where no one will hear your shrill death screams as the kid plunges a meat thermometer in your eye socket. You lock the kid up in solitary and punt her butt out into solarium for some rays. To confirm this suspicion of mine you see the Dakota’s written “You Let Her Die” on the bathtub wall in the middle of the night. Bobby needs to be severely alarmed. Dunking her in water would’ve been a good start.

“It’s not unusual for a child to create imaginary friends”¦.”

I also love how Famke is playing the shrink-by-phone role in this film. I’m sure she’ll be important later in serving to rescue Robert from an axe-wielding youngster in some way in the third act.

Elizabeth Shue is looking just fabulous as she can be and, judging by the flashback, looks like a close stand-in for the previous mother. How original I know, but I am concerned about how long it’s been since the mother died. Robert is back on that proverbial horse trying to get some of that Elizabeth goodness, who wouldn’t, but it’s odd in a STRANGE BREW “get married so soon after the funeral” sort of way. What’s more is that this imaginary “friend” seems to be manifesting some troubling behavior as he/she/it starts to act aggressively against daddy’s new plaything.

“Let’s hope you don’t wind up like her.”

Yeah, Dakota says this to an obviously concerned Elizabeth Shue. I tell you what, if my kid was actively trying to shoot down my chance to get up on that horse again with a MILF-a-licious someone like Elizabeth I would be tying that brat down to the bed SEVEN style for the duration of the evening. Robert even tries to question the authority of her imaginary friend to which Dakota says that kind of talk will only make her friend mad.

Look, get Father Karas or Dr. Phil on the case because this Wednesday look-alike from the Adams Family needs some straightening out; this movie should be about 10 minutes long from the kinds of psychosis this kid is displaying.

“If you want to know the secret you have to play the game.” Lame tagline. It is god awful but whatever gets the middle aged to come see the movie.

Director: Zhang Yimou
Cast: Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau, Zhang Ziyi, Dandan Song
Release: December 3, 2004 (Limited)br> Synopsis: Near the end of the Tang Dynasty, police deputies Jin (Kaneshiro) and Leo (Lau) tangle with Mei (Zhang), a dancer suspected of having ties to a revolutionary faction known as the House of Flying Daggers. Enraptured by her, the deputies concoct a plan to save her from capture, and Jin leads her north in what becomes a perilous journey into the unknown.

Prognosis: Very Positive. First thing that I thought?

I’ll share because I know we all have a tight relationship and you won’t think too differently of me.

The opening shot of this trailer has three dudes, all wearing green, standing in a field of thin, green bamboo trees. It’s smoky, there’s an army of guys just like them standing a few feet behind, and as they have their heads down, their wide brimmed Asian sombrero covering their faces, I swear I am looking at BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA part two. What’s more, one of the three guys in this trailer wings the exact same blade Thunder, Carter Wong, used in the film.

The blade seems like it dances in the air as it tumbles and turns. The effect is wonderful to watch as it eventually hits a bamboo tree, splintering it. Next, we’re given notice this film is the official Chinese entry in the 2005 Academy Awards for best foreign language film. This is when the even better stuff starts.

Fast paced sticks and drums start in and we are given a look at Ziyi Zhang busting a move with in a swift, colorful flourish. We’re given an Ebert quote. Sharp bamboo spears rain down from above as fleeing soldiers try to avoid becoming a human-on-a-stick for a hungry animal. The Chicago Tribune gives a quote. Ziyi is taking a bath in the open as an interloper looks on. Reuters gives a quote. A blade is unsheathed and flung. Ziyi tosses a blade, attached to the end of her long flowing robe, in the direction of someone she’s trying to kill. The interloper from before and Ziyi hold hands. A dude, doing the splits using two bamboo trees fights off an attack as his twigs and berries dangle precipitously in front of harms way. There’s a fight in the snow.

Then, there’s a shot of the oft used bamboo forest. Then, as a whizzing sound populates the audio landscape, dozens of sharp thingies come straight at the camera. Ziyi and her man are then shown laying comfortably on the ground next to one another.

What’s interesting about this film, apart from the action going on, is the way it looks. Anyone who is familiar with the genre already knows that the director from HERO also is the one behind this film as is the writer, costume designer, production designer, and action choreographer. It’s nice when you have a studio like Miramax hold back a movie like HERO for so long because you end up generating interest in this property for a different company, Sony Pictures Classics, who didn’t feel the need to sit on this film. Within a matter of half a year you get the treat of being able to see two films, informed by the same sensibilities, by the same director. This may not mean anything for someone who hasn’t seen HERO or has any plans on seeing HERO or even cares what HERO is but for those of us in the know it is a rare treat that shan’t be overlooked or underappreciated.

We had our premiere a few nights ago and I couldn’t have asked for a better audience. It was great. The biggest complaint I got was that some people couldn’t hear some lines because people were laughing over them. Even my own mom liked it and she’s a fire and brimstone Irish Catholic.

Now, we both grew up in the suburbs here in Illinois. Where did you eventually go to college?

I went to Mizzou. University of Missouri-Columbia.

What did you graduate with?

I graduated with a journalism degree. It sounds better than it was.

Did you do any paper writing?

Yeah, the main thing was that I was the weekend sports anchor and weekday sports reporter for NBC. That was a lot of fun. I got recognized a lot by ladies over 70 with purple hair. That was my big demographic. Unfortunately, all the college girls were out so the only people at home, it just didn’t work. I couldn’t make anything work with that fan club. I guess I could’ve but I’m just not wired that way.

How did that translate, then, into movies and screenwriting?

What happened from there was that I had a job offer to go to Billings, Montana, for like fifteen grand and my brothers were like “you can come down to the Chicago Mercantile Exchange and make thirty thousand” and, like a dumbass, I went where the money was and I realized I hated it and from there I went into corporate health insurance. Actually I loved it and I was making a lot of money but I was missing that creative outlet. My wife, just like she was unfortunately portrayed in the Project Greenlight show, she was incredibly supportive and was like, “let’s go give this “˜dream’ a shot.”

I know you must be satisfied with the way things have ended up.

Yeah, it’s a struggle even with the break I got with Project Greenlight. The advantage from that is I now have an opportunity to get into doors I couldn’t get into before. But once you get into the door you better have something good.

With getting your movie, Outing Riley, made with other peoples money and having to pitch people on giving you some, did you think to yourself that being given lots of money by a big studio, with decisions being made by them, is a better thing than self-financing?

Hell yeah.

You know what it is? The grass is always greener. With making this film, and making every decision about this film, I had a major say in, and not to denigrate the people I worked with because it was definitely a team effort, what to do.

That being said we didn’t have cash to do everything we wanted to do. The flip side to it is if you do a studio film you have all the cash you want, more cash than you need, but some of your creative ideas get shot down.

Anytime that someone gives you money they expect to have a say in the process. It’s fair. It’s legitimate. I, personally, was hoping to have a more independent environment. A lot of the directors I know started off making their own movies and from there they moved onto studio pictures. I kind of wanted that same feeling, to have no excuses.

Was it hard for you to make a “commercial” for people to judge whether or not to trust you with thousands of dollars or were you beyond that and were going to do whatever it took to get OUTING RILEY made?

I can’t explain it but I swear to God I sat down to do a commercial script. But when I finished I ended up with a funny, intimate look at how an Irish Catholic family deals with homosexuality. It is so far from commercial. I’m telling you I’d love to be able and sell-out but, unfortunately, I can’t write a sell-out script. If someone could tell me how to do that, I would.

I think part of that formula is that you have to have a cataclysmic event happen to the earth”¦

(Laughs)

Excatly right.

And you have to have seven different guys come in”¦.one rugged”¦one shy”¦

Right. And you’ve got to be able and snowboard from D.C. to New York in two days and have no one question your plot ideas.

I can’t do that. I’m not good and, I swear to God, I’m not judging those who can, because those people are pulling in paychecks. And I got two little kids. This independent world, I wish there was more money in it.

Now, about the film, OUTING RILEY has an Irish guy at its heart; STOLEN SUMMER has an Irish kid at its heart. Is there something about being Irish that you identify with?

What I find interesting is that I grew up in an upper-middle class family in Deerfield, Illinois, and my first story was about the working class, blue collar, and in my eyes it was Bridgeport, which is an Irish section of Chicago. Today, I see in the Chicago Tribune that they’re touting my film as a Southside blue collar look at how an Irish Catholic family deals with homosexuality but that’s not the case at all.

This family is upper-middle class, suburban family. So, I think in the humor, in the real interaction with the characters, there are no pretenses. They lay it out the way it is. Maybe, for some reason, that has a working class, blue collar, public servant sort of feel but that’s not what I’m writing about here. The assumption, according at least to the Chicago Tribune, is incorrect.

Now, speaking on the subject of Chicago, you label yourself a Cubs fan”¦

Die hard.

Well, as I re-watched STOLEN SUMMER I noticed that the young protagonist is wearing Sox swag.

You know what, again, that was a Southside story to me. It hurt me deeply. Writing about Chet Lemon, Jorge Orta, and all those guys, Brian Downing. I am a baseball fanatic but I live for the Cubs. But to be authentic, to be true to the story, the kids had to be White Sox fans.

I don’t make that mistake this time.

Now, I know Steve Dahl, an active radio legend in Chicago. How did you get hooked up with Steve? I know you met Jeff Garlin at an Emmy’s party, but I know Steve is a Sox fan, I figure that would put him on the short list, but how did you get him to do this movie?

(Laughs)

You know, I just met him doing press for STOLEN SUMMER and we really hit it off. So, when I was in town shooting this movie I just asked him if he’d be interested in being in the film. His son, Patrick, moved out to LA and Steve is an empty nester now. He actually wishes the film business, the TV business, was stronger in Chicago.

So, really, how is it in Chicago? It’s a fabulous location but why the lack of productions? Is it the Midwest? Is it too damn expensive? Is it too inaccessible for people to get to?

It’s difficult because you have Toronto to the north, which has the same sort of Chicago feel, but it’s a lot cheaper. But I think they’re starting to bring a lot of business to this town. I think the Chicago Film Office is doing a lot to promote filming in Chicago.

I know BATMAN RETURNS had some filming done downtown.

Yeah, I think Christopher Nolan, I thought I read something where he said that lower Wacker seemed like Batman to him. It’s one of the big reasons why he chose to film here.

It would be nice to be able to have a lot more productions here and I’d like to be able and move back home. But if I want to stay in this business I can’t afford to.

About OUTING RILEY and Mike McDonald (Mad TV). He plays your boyfriend. How did that pitch go? Was the first question, “How do you feel about making out with a dude?”

(Laughs)

You know the best thing about Mike McDonald is that if I were to ask a female the same question they would smack me around.

I pulled Mike aside and I said, “Listen, this is my first time kissing a guy. Is it possible for us to rehearse?” And Mike just laughed and looked at me like I’m a jackass and he says, “Yeah, sure, go ahead.” I just didn’t want the first kiss to be on camera, I wanted to be prepared and he said, “Perfectly fine.” And all I could think of is that if I were to ask an actress “Yeah, is there any way for us to make out, maybe I could take off your shirt, rub you up and down a bit, just to get into character” they’d beat the crap out of me. But Mike McDonald was a good sport.

I recommend to every guy out there to practice making out with another man.

Now you’re in the process of marketing OUTING RILEY. I know when I first asked you about it you didn’t have a trailer to review, poster art or any of those things. Are you having to do that yourself or are you finding people who can help you with that?

What we’re looking to do, hopefully, is to drum up enough interest at the [Chicago International Film Festival], get a distributor who will want to get onboard and from there we will do our trailer and all that other stuff. So, we’re hoping to find distribution.

Do you have any leads about who might have been in the audience?

Yeah, we’ve gotten a few, offers would be a strong word, but we’ve got some real interest. So, we’ll see. I hope to be able and find a company that, obviously, can pay back my investors but also gets behind the film. We’re a small film so I’m not expecting some major release but I’d like somebody to, you know, stick behind it and be able to keep in theaters for more than a couple of weeks.

You’ve said you wanted to make more movies like this. Many people want to embrace the big studio system or eschew it. Do you still have faith that if you take material to a studio you’ll be able to develop it the way you want or are you willing to say “I’ll compromise on X or X”?

I don’t mean to be a dork but as a hypothetical I can’t quite answer because I don’t know. With this script I don’t know why I was so gung-ho about keeping it the way it was and going to make it myself. I just wanted to try making a truly independent film.

And now that I know that, you know, making a studio film ain’t that bad. So it just comes down to whatever I write next. The level of compromise I’m willing to do, and, you know, it would be great to get a paycheck. It would be great to get a studio to jump onboard. I don’t want to sound like I’m just Johnny Independent and I gotta do it my way. I don’t. I’ll gladly take a check from anybody.

Anyone who’s willing to pay”¦

Exactly. If I can con someone to buy a script, I’m in.

Well, now the past two scripts and films have all centered around Chicago. Are you looking to become the next John Hughes heir apparent?

I would love to be the John Hughes heir apparent, but, again, his tastes are definitely, although great, are a bit more commercial than my tastes. If this can build to a John Hughes-like career I’d be thrilled. I’m not sure if I am capable of writing that.

Seeing how he liked to use Chicago, specifically, for his stories, are there any reasons why you like to stay in Chicago, why you keep coming back to that?

I just tend to write about”¦like this one story I’m going to work on next is kind of a story about a guy who’s been married eight years and his wife says to him would he be interested in having a double team, ménage a trios, and how, this dream proposal, the one he’s been dying for his entire life, finally comes through and his wife spirals out of control and it kind of takes it from that moment. To me, in a sense, that can be filmed anywhere, but I’d love to be able and do that right here in Chicago again. I’ve got a feeling there’s a lot of husbands out in America, not just Chicagoans, that can relate to that moment.

Well, thinking about budgeting, then, and you’ve said that one of the most important things is budgeting a film, is it more important to get the big name actor, maximizing your days during your filming or is it really about the reshoots?

That’s a great question. I would say, starting out, the most important thing is getting the big name actor because that gives you an opportunity to sell the film but, working down from there, how many days you can get is huge. I think it’s the Coen brothers that built-in to every budget they have, like 25%, they build in for reshoots.

Really?

Yeah, which is just brilliant but the problem is I can never come up with enough money to be able and put aside 25%. It’d be nice to attract a major star because a major start would attract money. And I don’t mean money in my pocket; money to be able to make the film.

And I know your hierarchy, according to your production journal, of important people in the process of making a film has the editor at the top of the food chain. You still stand by that?

Well, it depends. Obviously, it was just funny to me because people were asking me “Who’s the most important person on an independent film?” By the way, what a stupid move to write that as I am making the movie and then people on the crew are reading it. But to me, because time is so essential, your first AD, your first assistant director, is incredibly important because he’s the one that says “Listen, we’ve got to get these shots in, you’ve got to move.” The cinematographer is going to do as much or as little as you ask him to do because it’s all time sensitive. So, if you don’t have a lot of time at the end of the day, and you’ve got to get a shot in, and you’re just doing a master shot, you’re not asking much from your DP. He’s setting up your shot and then you’re just rolling whereas your AD is always trying to tow the line between creativity and schedule. And that’s just during production. When you’re in post-production the editor just comes up with just a new way to look at it.

I know this is cliché but the script you write is different than the movie you shoot and the movie you shoot is different than the movie you edit so you almost have three different films. You got the script, the movie you shot and the movie you edit.

You’ve said yourself that you have three different films. By the end of it, especially because you were on a timeline to get the film locked up at a certain time, was there any objectivity left after you’ve spent so much time on it?

Very little. You feel like you’ve got a pretty good movie but you just never know. It’s completely different than STOLEN SUMMER; I’m proud of that movie, it’s good, but there are moments in it and performances I wish I could do over. Again, when you watch a film a bunch of times you wish you could have done a few things differently but overall I think it’s funny and the performances are real. Thank god I don’t sink this film as an actor and I can’t wait to see what others think.

You said one of your main criticisms of your directing is getting more range from yourself and others. Did that improve by shooting’s end or is that something you’re still learning to grapple with?

To me, personally, I’ve got limited range.

Who am I kidding? I’m no Julliard actor but I had enough range for this role, obviously, because I wrote it and so I know the character. I think the best thing I did on this film is not direct as much. When you’re in the scene yourself as an actor and you’re the director of the film it’s tough to direct because you become this insecure actor who is worried about his own performance. It’s tough to objectively view the people you’re in the scene with but the thing with that is that we did a lot of talking of what we wanted to do before and kind of just got out of the actor’s way. Nathan Fillion and Stoney Westmoreland steal the movie, they’re terrific.

Digitial or film? Given the choice, which way would you go?

Given the choice, obviously money’s not an issue, I’ll go 35. It’s just richer.

Even though it’s the wave of the future, digital?

It’s great because it’s inexpensive. It does look great, but daytime exteriors are difficult and 35 millimeter is just not as difficult.

What makes digital so much more difficult for exteriors?

It’s just much more sensitive to light. Nighttime exteriors are beautiful with digital but I found it didn’t save time. It saved money but it didn’t save time. Everyone is like “oh, it’ll save you time.” Not really. It saves you money and, the cost savings you get using 24p on a budget like mine [is beneficial].

I know one of the things about the production of your first movie was that you were labeled First Time Director, it was used often, and you’ve said that it shouldn’t be used a crutch but it seems like it could be a valid argument in some way.

You don’t realize how valid an argument it is until you become a second time director.

It’s truly a valid argument.

Did you find yourself saying “Oh, I did this one thing this way and it totally didn’t work?”

It’s all about confidence. It takes ten days to develop any kind of confidence the first time you’re directing and those are ten important days. Whereas the second time you’re a lot more confident and, in this case, my crew was a lot more confident. You can’t get past the fact that the crew, the first time around, I needed to earn their respect. In their eyes, and I can’t blame them, I was a contest winner. “Hey, look who won the lottery! He’s now directing!” And because of that I definitely had to earn respect and I think I did. Well, at least all of them came back to work a second time and I hope that’s what it means.

The second time around you just know what to expect. It’s very hard when people tell you what to expect and you haven’t experienced it. So I knew going into it, pre-production, [that it was] unbelievably important.

You also mentioned in your production journal that you had met Harvey Weinstein of Miramax while in post production of the movie and that he asked to see a copy of the movie. Have you shown it to him yet?

No, I haven’t shown it to them. They’re pretty much out of the business of buying films. I think Miramax as we know it will cease to exist very soon.

I assume that Dimension will continue with Disney and Harvey will go off and start up his own company. I know they didn’t have any acquisitions up in Toronto [at the Toronto International Film Festival].

You’ve said that you’re no good unless you’re passionate. Do compromises on a project lessen that passion? How do you keep your enthusiasm up during long and arduous productions?

Well, compromise is just part of the process.

For example, we couldn’t shoot at the Mercantile Exchange or in the Catholic Church. This one scene that I had set for the Mercantile Exchange I ended up turning into a baptism scene at this gay church we ended up shooting at and I never would have to have done that if we had the money or ability to shoot at the Merc. And this scene works twenty times better because of the fact that I had to rewrite it to fit a location we already had but there’s something so funny about this scene, two brothers and the sister talking about their gay sibling in church while a baptism is going on, but the only reason why I wrote it was because of compromise.

There was a lot of what we would call the happy accidents. And with a bigger production you just throw money at your problems. With this movie we had to go rewrite the script and the biggest expense is locations.

Pete, thank you very much for your time and good luck with the film

I appreciate it, thank you.

Director: Dylan Kidd
Cast: Laura Linney, Topher Grace, Gabriel Byrne, Marcia Gay Harden, Paul Rudd
Release: October 15, 2004
Synopsis: Louise Harrington (Laura Linney), a divorced, thirty-something admissions officer at Columbia University’s School of Fine Arts is intelligent, pretty, successful, and unfulfilled. That is, until a graduate school application crosses her desk and she arranges to interview the young painter. When F. Scott Feinstadt (Topher Grace) appears, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Louise’s high school boyfriend and one true love, an artist who died in a car accident twenty years earlier. Within hours of the interview, Louise and F. Scott have embarked on a passionately uninhibited older woman/younger man affair. But is F. Scott just a reminder of Louise’s lost love? And is Scott just trying to wheedle his way into the Ivy League?

Prognosis: Positive. I’ve always been eager to be glib and simply write a one word review of a trailer.

I think it has something to do with my inordinate number of viewings of SPINAL TAP when the band sits down with Rob Reiner. Rob tells them that a journalist, reviewing their album Shark Sandwich, wrote a one word review that simply said: Shit sandwich.

That’s was comedy gold.

I think that a movie titled P.S. was crying out for a one word review, B.S., just the merriment I would have received inside would have been nice, but my soul was crushed when I watched this trailer and ended up really liking it. There is a slow steadiness to it, hitting all the right points, and it worked beautifully.

Starting from point A, though, I wasn’t sure the trailer would hold any ground for me. Laura Linney walks stridently, and when you see it you’ll understand just how strident that walk is, and there’s this Dallas soap opera theme song horn playing underneath it all that gives it an odd commercial feel; that she’s really going to be selling panty hose by the end of this thing, for example. The Toronto International Film Festival kudos is then displayed in front of us like an eager child who just learned how to finger paint. After this, without knowing much more than Laura can walk well, Laura gets into it with her mother about a family friend that the two of them knew. So far, not very interesting, but it’s downright exciting me, though, on the inside because I still have a chance to use the whole B.S. thing.

“He has the same talent.”

Then, Topher Grace walks into the picture. I have an acute dislike for That “˜70s Show, based solely on the fact that not even TiVos lighting fast review time of an episode can keep my attention, and I thought that watching WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON was about as close as one could have come to breaking several statutes of my local county’s decency laws, but he’s absolutely charming here. Immediately there is some of that clichéd chemistry between Laura and Topher and it carries with it the hope for a good story to wrap around these two. Sure enough, there is. The flamenco, Lifetime special guitar music is slightly saccharine to listen to but that’s another point I’m willing to overlook.

“He has the same face.”

Then, without so much as a perceived first date, Topher starts touching her as he asks Laura if she has ever had her portrait done. This moment made me realize I got into the wrong major in college after seeing what he does to her just after asking that question. He tucks her hair behind her ear, he strokes her arm, and you know this is not going to end nicely by picture’s end.

About this point in the trailer we are shown that the same guy who directed RODGER DODGER (great film) and the producer of YOU CAN COUNT ON ME (even better film) came together to consolidate their magical powers and crafted this film. Then, without so much as an introduction, Gabriel Byrne pops up as Laura’s husband. Before I try and remember how long it’s been since I’ve last seen him in a movie, Laura spills the plot to us about what makes Topher the one she wants to have a dalliance with.

It’s commendable, actually, that the movie makers waited over half the length of the trailer before telling us that Topher is a close look-alike of someone Laura used to date in high school and who died prematurely. There is a full on Linney/Grace lip lock which just seals the Mrs. Robinson deal for me.

The supporting cast looks wonderfully crafted and the trailer leaves us teetering on knowing exactly how it’s going to end and not knowing where it will go.

Director: Eric Darnell
Cast: Chris Rock, Ben Stiller, Jada Pinkett Smith, David Schwimmer
Release: May 27, 2005
Synopsis: Madagascar follows a lion, zebra, giraffe and hippo who are released from the zoo and sent back to the wild by an animal rights group. Ending up on the African island of Madagascar the New York menagerie finds their lives turned upside down.

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know who were the ones who spent 49.1 million on SHARK TALE’s opening weekend but I am very disappointed in those who sent a message to Dreamworks to make more of that crap.

Look, I’m not one to listen to critics. I may entertain an opinion by Roger Ebert here, read an idea or two from Ryall about what’s good or bad on the tube, but, damn, a 34% average approval rating? I couldn’t pass 3rd grade with a score like that and neither should that movie.

However, I will gladly give two shift keys up for what looks like a step up from SHARK TALE for the film MADAGASCAR.

It has a good beginning sans the reminder that the same studio that brought us SHREK (good) and SHARK TALE (crap) brings this film into our lives. A really twisted opening has a giraffe, a lion and a hippo (David Schwimmer, Ben Stiller, Jada Pinkett Smith, respectively) singing happy birthday to a zebra (Chris Rock). It would be fairly innocuous if it weren’t for the hippo forcing the giraffe to blow on his party favor in a funny fashion that reminded me of a Three Stooges episode; it’s just funnier to see than try to describe but it is very slapsticky. They throw a non sequitur in the mix by showing the reaction of a couple of monkeys (the best part of a zoo, next to the orangutans) as one sniffs his pit and falls off a branch. The monkey who falls is obviously a tamed down version of a real one that sniffed his finger after putting it in a not so fresh locale and was put on tape for the world to see, but, hey, a few points for them at least making an effort to keep things interesting for me.

Anyway, this is a movie about some animals making a break for it. Their lives at the Central Park Zoo are shown in the animals-acting-like-humans-when-they’re-not-around kind of way that’s been so played out but kids will enjoy that. It’s nice to see natural color palates here on everything instead of the day-glo Zubaz job that Dreamworks did in creating an underground spray paint community in SHARK TALE.

There penguins here, and they look like potential scene stealers in this film, are shown taking over a tanker, possibly trying to make a break for it. I am reminded of the penguin from the Wallace and Gromit short, THE WRONG TROUSERS, and I hope that these conniving little bastard birds do their worst. When Ben mentions that the penguins are psychotic, I am rearing to see more as I wonder why penguins seem to always have master plans brewing.

It was definitely amusing to see Ben Stiller get his ass kicked by an old lady after he makes one of his first appearances outside the confines of his cage (It’s the “rough animal with the sinister reputation who’s really nice” kind of character that reminds me of the Shark from FINDING NEMO, the big brown bear on Sesame Street, etc”¦).

Cute and cuddly, boys. Cute and cuddly. The instructions given to the penguins after being surrounded by the fire department and police is laugh worthy as well and I found myself actually looking forward to an animated picture that will get released in the new year.

Director: Michael Clancy
Cast: Ray Romano, Hank Azaria, Jesse Bradford, Zooey Deschanel, Glenne Headly, Famke Janssen, Piper Laurie, Kelly Preston, Rip Torn, Debra Winger, Curtis Garcia
Release: October 29, 2004
Synopsis: When three generations of a deliciously dysfunctional family gather to bury the family patriarch, the beloved granddaughter of the deceased is given the task of delivering the eulogy. In the days leading up to the funeral, family secrets are revealed, old grudges resurface and the household erupts with renewed vigor. A wickedly irreverent comedy, Eulogy is ultimately a heartwarming portrait of a houseful of misfits celebrating the strangest and most enduring bond of all.

Prognosis: Negative. Can sitcom actors really make the big push to the big screen and find success?

Dramatic actors have been doing it well enough, compared to the Matthew Perry’s and Jason Alexander’s of the pop culture landscape, and going it with a better percentage rate when you look at what people like George Clooney have been able to parlay into successful leaps into films. This comment should also reflect of the opposite, big screen to small, when you look at actors like Timothy Busfield and Anthony Edwards who started out playing horny geeks in REVENGE OF THE NERDS to dramatic paragons of prime time television.

With EULOGY, however, Ray Romano seems to be playing his TV’s namesake character Raymond but with an eerie looking moustache that looks taken straight from an old school stag film.

That aside, the trailer opens with all the flourish of mediocrity as Ray tries to hustle his kids up and out of the house to go to a funeral. His protestations in regard to their dilly-dallying, an “aw-shucks, hurry up, you scamps,” inspires neither fatherly fear nor respect out of these hellions; with a demeanor like Ray’s there should be no wonder why not even kids are afraid of him. He is, though, making his way through a divorce situation so maybe there is the possibly of some spousal abuse flashback, hence the moustache. Ray could be giving his old lady a taste of his mannish power by having her eat the back of his hand; if the gods were truly good they would make Patricia Heaton the object d’ bitch slap while she’s in the middle of making one of those obnoxious Albertson’s commercials. But, I digress slightly.

“You’re fully experiencing the loss.”

Out of the blue, and switching gears faster than a crack ho with an itch to scratch, Debra Winger appears on the screen and suddenly I’m interested in what’s happening. She’s looking migh-T-fine for a woman her age, but I’m not really sure what her relationship is with Ray. Nor do I know how Zooey Deschanel or Hank Azaria fit into it all but it’s pretty good talent being represented; the same, however could be said of WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT but there’s hope yet for this film.

My uplifted spirits are popped like a gaseous colostomy bag, though, when I get some more scenes like the one they show at a funeral home where one of the directors mentions how much the casket costs. This statement is followed by the widow asking how much it would cost to simply put him in a bag. Priceless. Really it is. This is another movie about a dead man no one liked but, really, no one got along with Rip Torn, the decedent? I’m at the point of being nonplussed when, just like the beginning, I’m sucked back in this trailer’s undertow as I get Famke Janssen, playing a lesbian, playing a life-partner to a woman in Ray’s family plus there’s a nice cat fight between Ray’s current bride-to-be and Debra Winger.

There are the meddling twin boys, Ray’s kids, who look like they are the instigators for a lot of the wackiness that is bound to ensue when they start drilling holes in the wooden coffin grandpa is in as they put a spout from a gas can into one of the holes and fill “˜er up. After this is done, they shoot fire arrows at the coffin and finally hit it, causing an explosion. While pyrotechnics is always a crowd pleaser for me much of the rest in this trailer is forgettable in a way that only misery can describe.

Director: Jordan Roberts
Cast: Michael Caine, Christopher Walken, Josh Lucas, Jonah Bobo, Glenne Headley
Release: October 8, 2004 (limited)
Synopsis: Four generations of men are suddenly brought together by the chance to uncover the truth about their family’s past. It’s a journey that takes them out on the road to a world full of surprises — some comic, some dramatic, and all of them personal.

Prognosis: Positive. While there will be no point in this film where Christopher Walken’s character asks for more cowbell, this still looks like a tender gem of a movie. Also, Josh Lucas needs more movies that show his ability to not be the asshole everyone hates. Cases in point: HULK, UNDERTOW, SWEET HOME ALABAMA, etc”¦

I can’t quickly rattle off any other movie where there’s been a father/son father/son father/son plot line but I like the originality of the subject material. It’s nice to see that there are still some good premises out there.

Things start off in this trailer with Josh Lucas being accosted awake to find his dad at his doorstep. Apart from the sheer elatedness of finding out that Christopher Walken is your dad and that he’s not bearing cowbells, Lucas appears less than delighted. There’s friction, and obviously there are unresolved issues that will get fixed in the end and he’ll spend most of the movie being a stick in the ass, but the grandson seems happy enough to see granddad and keeps things interesting.

The reunited family, resplendent with Michael Cane as the patriarch, has a wonderful meal at what looks like a KFC (hopefully Walken orders value meal number three while telling the person behind the counter he has a fever and the prescription is more breast meat). Quickly after this happens, Michael dies and leaves behind a will that Walken masterfully reads out loud and seems to be in charge of. This, I’m sure, will lead to even more anger in Lucas.

While Lucas seems just ok with his dad suddenly showing up, the unorthodox reading of a will that seems transcribed on wrinkled writing tablet paper and the accompanying treasure hunt for his grandfathers assets is an intriguing plot device that really keeps this story moving at a comfortable pace.

I could do away with throaty voiceover man as he tells me that “this fall, some secrets are worth pursing;” yeah, some are, but since I don’t have a treasure map and this is a fictional movie I’ll settle for trying to figure out if my wife’s been shuttling money out of my checking account to buy small amounts of that really expensive Lancome makeup. In the meantime, Holmes, don’t tell me that there are secrets worth pursuing. Vampires, psychic detectives, the origins of Twinkie filling, these are all secrets worth pursuing but this just isn’t one of them.

This is a road picture of the oddest order, pure and simple, but Walken really sells it as the crazy old man back from prison, escapee is more like it, and Lucas is really charismatic as the tortured protagonist who is fighting the urge to enjoy the time with his father, who probably violated him with a plunger or some other deep secret we’ll find out in the course of this movie, but will “come to grips” with his past and embrace his future as a father and blah blah blah.

It’s about the journey here and Walken seems to be taking delight in this role. We even get him reprising his dancing abilities, last seen cutting a few rugs and hotel lobbies in a Fat Boy Slim video, and a little ivory tickling. What I enjoy, more than anything, is that the voiceover is suspended long enough for me to see small flashes of personalities in Walken and Lucas. Since this is movie about them, really, it would be good to see why these two have issues with one another. When Walken plays the piano and the two of them have a “moment” it’s believable and it’s not overwrought in a way that seems false.

For a first time writer/director Jordan Roberts, the movie looks decently shot while the story, spoken primarily through the actions of the actors, appears competent enough that it didn’t evoke any eye-rolling on my part. The movie will most likely get a tepid response as the story has a finite number of endings, all of them possible, but this appears to be a picture that has, at the very lest, a good grasp of its story.

Director: Shane Carruth
Cast: Shane Carruth, David Sullivan, Casey Gooden, Anand Upadhyaya, Carrie Crawford
Release: October 8, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: At night and on weekends, four men in a suburban garage have built a cottage industry of error-checking devices. But, they know that there is something more. There is some idea, some mechanism, some accidental side effect that is standing between them and a pure leap of innovation. And so, through trial and error they are building the device that is missing most. However, two of these men find the device and immediately realize that it is too valuable to market. The limit of their trust in each other is strained when they are faced with the question, If you always want what you can’t have, what do you want when you can have anything?

Prognosis: Negative trailer; positive buzz. The sound of clicking heels? The soft snaps of ice fracturing? I’m not sure what that noise is as we’re shown that this film has won a couple of Sundance Film Festival’s Grand Jury Prizes.

It took some doing but I figured out that the next shot is of a garage, late at night, flooded with yellow night. At first I thought it was a close-up of some old type of transistor because it’s really blurry, most likely done to create a moody kind of feeling, but then I thought back to my Savage Steve Holland days and was reminded of that garage from BETTER OFF DEAD; great film and even better garage. However, I am digressing.

Back in this trailer, after we see the garage, I am asked “What is essential?” Before I can rattle off some funny things I could put in that blank it gives me a few answers, none of which I came up on my own and are far superior answers I wouldn’t have been able to come up with on my own. The action going on behind this little impromptu game of $20,000 Pyramid is obfuscated by haunting audio (sounds like a slowed down heartbeat mixed with muffled lighting) and of some dudes playing with electronic equipment. I’m then asked, like a kid who won’t stop asking questions to mom and pop, “What is wanted?” Again, same funny scenario in my own head, other answers given that don’t come close to my own, etc”¦ These Mormon looking fellows, resplendent with the white shirts, crisp Aryan look, good looking families and accompanying short shirt wearing friends, have something going on but I haven’t a clue as to what it is. Then, as if adding kerosene to this little campfire of discontent, they ask me another freaking question: What is truly wanted?

Before I can be witty one of them finally speaks. “You’re talking about making a bigger one.” He repeats this while still wearing a white, collared shirt; are these guys engineers or just really hardcore company men? Then, the timpani drum starts banging and then a bunch of cut scenes start flying. The words “money” and “power” and a whole slew of others crisscross the screen. Images of storage units and gas canisters and ITT Technical Institute electronics litter the visual landscape. The way these two guys are the only people on the screen I am almost thinking that they are out to create the world’s largest dong and to show Sweden who really is the king of adult “novelty” toys but that guess isn’t too far off and I’ll you why: this film doesn’t explain why in the hell I should see their film. There is no compelling reason to pay money for this experience and this is just a matter of having a bad trailer for a movie that has garnering some great word-of-mouth. Simply based on that I am apt to give this movie a try but to those out there who aren’t glued to every moment of movie news that’s released this trailer does a poor job trying to get the attention of those who are the demographic target.

It’s super to be all coy and secretive but, damn, give me at least a few reasons why I should come see the movie. That said, I, for one, am eagerly awaiting to see the final product.

We had so many different versions and choices. Ultimately what it comes down to is that you’re creating the identity of your film. And you can’t be everything to everybody so you’ve got to figure out who your core audience is and how do you get to them. We decided our core audience was men who were 16 to 40. Guys who like boxing. So that’s why we designed the trailer that way. Even though there is a love story, a spiritual component, and many other things in the film, you still have to pick something and go with it. We worked hard on that trailer.

How long does it take to cobble something together from edits?

You’ve got to write the copy, you’ve got to write the script, the editors have to sit down and make version after version. If you bang one out it’s like six to eight weeks. If you go to the point where you actually make your negative and then Technicolor can start shipping them to theaters. You can get it done, probably, within three or four weeks if you get what you want, quick.

I notice that the clips in the trailer are mostly of the film’s action, the boxing.

We decided that we were going to market it like that. Even thought the film has a strong love story we weren’t going to go into that in the trailer.

You’ve said in recent interviews that you always wanted to direct a film. Why was this project “the one?”

This was the one because it was an interesting combination of an art film about an interesting people that hasn’t been totally exploited and not much has been done about them. [It’s a] a very commercial, familiar, film about a kid who overcomes and triumphs in the end and achieves greatness. It’s an inspirational movie so I thought it was just the perfect combination. To be honest I just love the landscape of not just Arizona. I love landscape whether it be Montana, Arizona, or Colorado. I just love the outdoors. I grew up watching John Wayne movies and they shot them up there in Monument Valley and that’s where the boxing team is. It’s set up there.

Was that something that you’ve always had in you, the country spirit? I’ll bring it up now, congratulations on being nominated for creating Best Video of the Year for “Whiskey Lullaby.”

Thank you. I’m from New York, so on NYPD BLUE, I did completely different kind of work so I appreciate the city, I appreciate the country, but I think my heart is in the country. That’s where I live. I have a ranch in Colorado, I live in Arizona.

Built by hand in 1998 (an IMBD Fun Fact about Rick’s log cabin in Colorado), right?

You know, that’s all fabrication. I am the world’s worst carpenter. Literally, I could not build a tree house for my gerbil. I do have a log cabin but the only thing I did was to pick the logs. It’s one of things where somebody makes something up and then all of a sudden it becomes a fact and everyone starts picking up on it.

About the movie, I watched it. I really liked it a lot. I was blown away for it being a first-time effort. You really hit it out of the park.

Under a million dollars, that movie.

Yeah, visually it looks like it’s right up there with a DANCES WITH WOLVES, something that looks far more expensive with some of the shots you got off.

I got a great cinematographer. The guy is so talented. We had 24 days to film it. We worked six days a week and we worked hard and it was financed 100% by Indian tribes. I had Indian people on the set with me every day, watching me, making sure I did right, make sure I spent their money right and honored their people, so there was a lot of pressure on me making it.

This leads me into the question: the script you wrote by yourself.

Yeah, I wrote it by myself.

It seems that Black Cloud’s character is conflicted, spiritually, with coming to terms”¦

With his mixed blood.

Right. How did you find that voice? Or how did you write this with authenticity?

Well, you know, I just wrote a movie about people. About human beings. This movie could’ve been told about a Spanish kid from Nogales or a black kid in Harlem. It’s a movie about overcoming obstacles and challenges and we’ve all got them. And I think that’s why Black Cloud is so successful. It’s not written from an Indian point of view. It’s written from a point of view about human beings and they happen to be Indian and I think that’s unique. DANCES WITH WOLVES was the first movie, in my mind, that changed the stereotype that the old westerns created and I think BLACK CLOUD, because I got so much support from the tribes, I think they believe that BLACK CLOUD is going to show the good and the bad of them today. I didn’t know a whole lot of Indian people when I wrote BLACK CLOUD but I know a whole bunch now. And it’s a very interesting culture, very diverse. There are over 560 tribes in the country and there is just a lot to learn about them. We live amongst them and they live amongst us but we really don’t integrate too much. Their culture is all around us. It’s a fascinating culture and I am glad that I discovered it because it just adds a lot of texture to the landscape.

Well, that just leads into issues about the financing. I know in previous interviews you’ve said that the usual Hollywood routes”¦

Yeah, all dead ends for me.

Right. Any fears that making the call to the Tohono O’odham and Tonto Apache Indians, the eventual backers of the movie, what they would’ve said? Any doubts that the project just wasn’t going to happen because of that?

Well, I met with many counsels around the country. I flew around the country and I cold called many tribes.

Really?

There’s generational issues between the white culture and the Indian culture that go back a long time and here’s a guy, a white guy showing up with a script saying “I want to make a movie about Indian people and I need your money.” (Laughs) It was pretty hard to find that first investor. It took me 18 months of just trying to get meetings, of just trying to get people to read my script. And then the Chickasaw nation in Oklahoma, they were my first partner, and when they signed on board then other partners fell into place. And like you said, the Tonto Apache tribe from Payson and the Tohono O’odham tribe from Tucson are my Arizona partners. The Tohono O’odham, Diamond Casino, is sponsoring the premiere in Tucson and the Matazal Casino, those folks are sponsoring the Phoenix premiere.

Where is the film going now? I was going to talk about distribution. Are you having to sell this movie all over again or have you found that now you have a finished film people are a little more willing to get your project out there?

(Laughs)

You know, I thought I was going to make a movie and then I would be going to Sundance, they would throw a ton of money at me, I’d pay all of my investors back and life would be great. Well, Sundance ignored me, blew me off, didn’t even return my calls.

You’re kidding.

No. So, it’s like, now what are going to do? Well, what I did was, I started my own distribution company, I went back to the tribes, and I said, “listen, the movie’s good, I believe in it, you believe in it, let’s do this ourselves. And we made deals with Dan Harkins [an Arizona theater chain owner], we made deals with AMC, and we bought the media, and we designed the advertising campaign and we distributed this independently which is where we’re at right now.

The poster design is great. Sometimes you end up with the floating head syndrome, but did you work with an art designer?

I got people in LA to make my trailer and my poster and all this stuff. These are the best companies I got and they did it because they liked the movie. And they did it for well below their normal rates. I mean these guys get paid a couple hundred thousand dollars to design a poster for DreamWorks and I can’t tell you what, they basically did it for nothing because they wanted to give me a break, they liked the film, and they knew I needed a hand. Like the guys at Panavision, they donated a camera and lens package worth $75,000 and I didn’t have to pay a dollar. So I called in all the favors I possibly could over the last 26 years of people I’ve met and pulled this one together.

How long did it take you to assemble a cast and a crew and essentially tell yourself, “OK, I know I need a DP, I need a sound guy, I need all these parts.” How long did this entire process take?

Well, I wrote this movie in January/February 2002 and I found my first investor in November of 2002 and I was shooting the movie in June of 2003. It’s taken 2 ½ years writing to this point and I had a good, young producing partner, this was his first time film, too, and worked his butt off and assembled a fine crew of people. Everyone got paid a lot less than they deserved and it was just one of those things where everyone came together for the right reasons: for the love of movies and for the love of the experience. I think going up to the Navajo and living there for three weeks, it’s an experience. We were given great honors to the Navajo senate. We were allowed to film in scared places where no other film has ever been shot in. We had total support from the Navajo people, which is great. When I cast the movie, it fell together real easy. When Eddie Spears walked through the door I knew he was Black Cloud. He was the only kid I ever wanted.

With Black Cloud, I know the whole movie, most of the movie, he’s angry, he alienates everyone around him. Why did you create a protagonist that was almost hard to get to like until he really comes around near the end? He’s not only battling things he has to deal with in his life, but the real turning point is when he finds out his lineage is not what he thought it was.

Look at it from Black Cloud’s point of view for a second. Here’s a proud kid who’s proud of his heritage and his people and look at the challenges his people face today. This all used to be theirs. We came in, the Europeans, and we took what was theirs. If you look at it from his eyes and you look at the problems, culturally, that are going on up there with 70% unemployment and all sorts of problems. You can see the way he feels. At least I could, I can relate to that. So, I wanted to tell a movie from the perspective of the Indian and I haven’t really seen that: the perspective of a kid that needs to overcome his anger. I guess I had some anger, bottom line, for a period of time in my life and BLACK CLOUD helped me release that. It was very cathartic to write BLACK CLOUD because I wrote Black Cloud as a part I would dream to be. Black Cloud was me as I was writing it.

So, how does that inform the ending? Does he come to grips with it? Will there always be that part of confliction in him?

No. No, he finds peace. He realizes that he’s good and he’s ok and he realizes that people are people and there are good and bad, and it doesn’t matter what color they are, there are good and bad in every shape and size. He comes to peace with who he is. In my twenties I had a lot of angst and now in my young 30’s I’m coming to more at peace with me and myself, my life and things.

I’ve found that informs the spirituality portion of the script, that it was real important part of this story, is at least, his spirituality which you don’t see a lot of nowadays in a lot of film.

No, people shy away from it, it scares them. It takes courage to put yourself out there but because you’re setting yourself up for a bunch of people to take cheap shots at you. I’m proud of that component in the film. A lot of people wanted me to cut that scene where he’s in the spirit world with his mother.

I loved that scene.

I know, so did I!

It was great because it reminded me of GLADIATOR, an almost unfair comparison, the part near the end”¦

When he’s walking through that field.

When he’s walking through that field and his fingertips”¦

(Laughs)

It brings together everything that’s been going on in the whole movie.

I just think that the world needs, the place where we’re at right now in the world, and the fear that all of us feel for our future, and our safety and our kids and our country. I think a movie like this is important. Any movie that inspires and uplifts us, helps us to aspire to be better. I think that’s what this world needs. We don’t need any more crap to drag us down and pollute our minds. We need inspirational movies. That’s the kind of films I want to make.

What was one of the lessons you learned about the process of making a movie that you didn’t know before you began on this trip?

The biggest thing I learned was is that you had better love the story you’re telling because you are going to live with it for two years. You’re going to work everyday on it. Literally, that’s what I learned from BLACK CLOUD. Like I said I thought, “you know, man, I’m just going to go to Sundance, I’m going to sell this thing, and I’m on to my next movie.” Well, it didn’t happen that way. So, you better be prepared to stick with it for the long haul and see it through because you’re the only one who’s gonna push it, and what I mean is you’re the producer. I’m the guy who went out and asked people for money to make a film and I’m the guy responsible for paying them back. So I leaned that you gotta think about marketing. I hate to say it. You’ve got to think about marketing before you make a film. You’ve got to think about how you position it, how you sell it and who is the audience and all these kinds of things which I didn’t think about. Luckily, it worked out well on BLACK CLOUD. At least, that’s what I believe. If the business side doesn’t work you’re not going to be making many more movies.

Did at any time you think to yourself, “I’ve maybe have taken on too much?”

Oh man, I bit off a huge chunk.

You’re obviously you were writer, producer, director, and then de facto actor in the movie.

I actually, I can’t do this much again. It’s kind of taken a ton out of me. It took a lot of time out from my wife, my kids. It’s been a big, big demand on not only me but on my family. So, in the future I am going to learn more about delegating and more about trusting other people. And I’ve met some people now that I do trust that are a part of my team so when we do this again I can trust that they’re gonna do their jobs and I don’t have to micromanage it.

Have you seen anything this year that has really inspired you or anything that would make you tell someone, “I just saw this really great film”?

Tell me some things that have come out.

Well, my favorite so far this year has been ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND with Jim Carrey.

I didn’t see it.

SPIDER-MAN 2?

Didn’t see it.

How about any movie going this year? You’ve probably been tied up with this movie and haven’t had the time to go out to the movies.

I watched THE UNFORGIVEN the other day on DVD. I love that movie. I watched NAPOLEAN DYNAMITE, Jon Heder’s film.

I saw that a couple of weeks ago.

He’s coming to the premiere tonight.

That guy is a trip.

Yeah, and he’s a real nice guy. I liked him and he made me laugh and I just haven’t been going to that many movies and I haven’t seen anything I’ve liked. MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE? I fairly enjoyed that.

I’ve got a one year-old so I don’t get to get out to movies myself that much. I get to review the trailers and that seems to be as far as I get these days.

I saw HERO. I thought it was beautiful. Some of the stuff that he did was beautiful but I didn’t dig the plot. But I dug the production design big time, the visuals. Did you see it?

I’ve had it on DVD for over a year.

Remember when stuff would turn from red to yellow and just the change of the leaves?

You could almost turn off the sound.

Yeah, it was so pretty to look at. I thought that was amazing, visually.

So, you find you’re inspired more by one genre or another? Some directors like a McG will only go for action or a Brett Ratner, the guy who did RUSH HOUR, these guys are all informed about how an action movie goes but you seem to be more informed by men like Clint Eastwood.

I like Scorsese. I like Michael Mann I like Clint Eastwood. Those are some of the directors I like.

Did you see COLLATERAL?

I did. I enjoyed COLLATERAL but my favorite Michael Mann movie of all time is the Indian one, THE LAST OF THE MOHICIANS. I like HEAT, too. I didn’t see this other Clint Eastwood movie with Sean Penn, MYSTIC RIVER. Did you see it?

You know, I haven’t. Not yet. I’ve heard it’s good.

I don’t want to bring up the past. You’re done with it, it’s behind you, but even though I wanted to tell you how bad I felt for you when in episode 65 of SILVER SPOONS you had to go to David Horowitz for help in dealing with a crooked mail-order company, I know the world would love to know: How is it to work with John C. McGinley?

He’s the dude from PLATOON, right? He is so amazing, so funny. He’s so smart, so witty, so quick. His character in SCRUBS is hysterical and he’s so dry with it. That show, I think, the best written show on TV. It makes me die laughing.

You were on a few episodes.

I did five shows.

Was your acting separated from the others? Were you only spending time with just those who you were on camera with?

All of my scenes were with Elliot; I was her love interest, her guy. Zach kinda had a crush on Elliot so he was giving me dirty looks. It was a good time. That guy, Bill Lawrence, the show runner, he was the guy who was behind SPIN CITY, one of the guys, young guy, but what a hard worker. He writes, runs that whole thing. Super-talented. You want to talk about hard working those people work hard, those writers. They just work their guts out.

I think they’re the unsung heroes, I think, of a lot of stuff out there.

It’s all about the writing, I mean, honestly, it is. The actors are interchangeable.

Really?

Yup.

You think you give any mediocre actor, and give them good material, they’ll shine?

Absolutely. It’s about the writing. The writing is everything. In my opinion the writing’s everything.

What’s your own writing like?

I’ve been working so hard on BLACK CLOUD. To write, I need a block of time and I need to have my head clear and I just haven’t had that since BLACK CLOUD. So, I’m looking forward to it again, when I can get BLACK CLOUD behind me, get it out on DVD in February and then get on to the next thing. So I’m looking forward to that. I do have a script that I didn’t write that I like very much. It’s a western that I’m trying to put together for next spring to shoot and I do have an idea or two that I want to write but you know, literally, there is no time to write. No time to relax. I mean I started a distribution company; I can’t believe the details, the tasks involved.

I just want to thank you, very much, for taking the time to talk. You have your premiere. Thank you, Rick.

Thank you.

Director: Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Cast: Audrey Tautou, Gaspard Ulliel, Dominique Pinon, Jodie Foster, Chantal Neuwirth, Ticky Holgado, Tchéky Karyo
Release: November 26, 2004 (limited)
Synopsis: From the director and star of AMELIE (Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Audrey Tatou) comes a very different love story: A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT, based on the acclaimed novel by Sebastian Japrisot. The film is set in France near the end of World War I, in the deadly trenches of the Somme, in the gilded Parisian halls of power, and in the modest home of an indomitalbe provincial girl.

View Trailer:
* Medium (Simply click on Entrez, and then on Bande Annonce.)

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know why or for what reasons, maybe I do and I’m just not giving that information up, but I was a huge fan of Amelie. I’m not sure if it was Audrey Tautou’s visual innocence or if it was Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s visual style that captivated me but the movie was a nice blend of sugary romance, oddball characterizations, and just enough directorial panache that I was left satisfied from the entire experience. This new movie, for those that don’t already know, pairs the leading lady with the writer/director once more for a film that looks not as odd but with every bit of that je ne sais quoi that I will delight in partaking once more.

The opening of this film, with everything glazed with an amber hue, has two kids, one boy and one girl who go exploring inside lighthouse. It looks like, however, that Audrey is hitching a ride on her young beau’s back (an eerie metaphor about what the entire female race will do throughout his natural born life regardless of the fact that Tautou’s character can hardly walk). It seems the lighthouse is a place where the kids go to play and even, as the trailer shows, someplace where they come years later to continue games like hide the sausage, capturing the python, consuming the salami, and on and on the debauchery goes. I will say, for and on the record, Senator, with each successive display of Tautou’s wares, first the bustier and then simply nothing but a strategically placed arm, is a good thing. It’s downright wholesome and I think the whole family would delight in all that this kind of offers, French style.

It does, though, seem that these kids really love one another and it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to devolve into one of those soft-core EMMANUELLE serials. She seems happy, but that, good man, is where things have to go south. Her beau goes off to fight in WWI; he must have been one of seven unlucky ones who comprised the combined strength of the French army. Men are shown in dank trenches, getting their bayonets ready, as Tautou says good-bye to her love for the last time. Or is it?

Bombs go off in every which direction, a sole man marches forward with his gun on the dirty battlefield, Tautou gets food ready in the kitchen, explosions rock the war’s landscape, Tautou flees the provincial life and heads to gay Paris (pronounced Pair-eee for those still keeping score at home) on a train. She gets a letter and voice speaks out; as to what is said I haven’t a clue as the only foreign language training I have is five years of combined high school and college Spanish: Donde esta la biblioteca porque mis gatos son muy chistoso. A zeppelin goes up in glorious flames, a very strange woman in black appears (who, I believe, might be Jodie Foster who does have a cameo in this movie) and then a body, possibly that of her best man friend in the world, rises several dozen feet in the air as a bomb crater is created just beneath him just before descending into what is quite possibly an ignoble death.

There is a shared moment between these two during happier days, again with the piggybacking, and even a forcibly sweet final image of the two of them as kids, standing cheek to cheek which is really quite sweet in a cavity forming way.

Beyond Grandpa I and II ““ 1999 is when we finished Part II, so then about four years. I went to work at Nickelodeon for a year in New York and did a pilot at MTV ““ Deadtime Stories ““ an animated horror pilot with Michael Dougherty who is actually now the big shot writer of X2 and the upcoming Superman movie, and he had created this animated horror show that MTV wanted to do at the time. I came up with a script with him and we created this little thing that didn’t make it to air. But it was a good experience.

And then I moved to LA and I’ve been working in comic books and doing little animated things here and there, and Dr. Tran is kind of our return to irreverent short animated films. We just thought, hey, we’ve got a month to kill so let’s have some fun again and my friend Jason Johnson, who co-created it and voiced Dr. Tran, he came down. He lives in Santa Cruz and is actually a massage therapist who, this is kinda funny”¦.he’s a massage therapist who recently came down with Poison Oak. He doesn’t find it funny, but I think it’s funny. So, he’s been broke. He came down and stayed with me for a few months and we were going to do Beyond Grandpa III ““ we thought that was the natural thing.

So we were just hanging out one night and came up with this character called Dr. Tran, who is a little boy who was named Doctor because his parents wanted him to become a doctor so bad. He started off as a character for an unrealized Beyond Grandpa comic book ““ the little kid in the neighborhood who the Grandpa would antagonize. Say some kid falls down and he says “Ow, ow, I need a Band-Aid” or something. And the Grandpa would say “Why don’t you get Dr. Tran? After all, he’s a Doctor” and Tran would say “I’m not a doctor!” and that would be his little catch phrase.

And so we’re sitting there talking about it and saying “yea, yea, that’s pretty good.” I’m doing the Grandpa thing and he’s doing the Dr. Tran voice and we’re going back and forth and back and forth and I suddenly realize this could make a whole film. We can just antagonize the little boy for an entire film and somehow that led into doing a mock movie trailer. Basically Hollywood sells you every good film and bad film the same way ““ like it’s the best thing you’re ever going to see. They’re packaging every turd the same as their diamonds. So, we thought, well if they’ll sell anything to you that way, why not sell a little kid? Let’s point out the absurdity by having them sell a little kid that way and somehow the two ideas just came together.

So, how did the idea of a trailer appeal to you? You figured you had a concept for maybe what would seem like almost an animated full length show but why all of a sudden, you know what, out of all the possibilities, a trailer sounds really good?

Well, part of it, well, a huge factor”“ and this is probably going to be somewhat disappointing to people to find out”“is time and budget, neither of which we had much of. So it was a matter of finding that perfect concept where we have a very stationary main figure. Our old shorts were grandpas and grandpas don’t move too much, and that’s a benefit for someone who has very little time and money (laughs). So, we came up with something with this little guy who is pretty much idle. He waves his arms around, I make a set of unexcitable normal mouths and a set of screaming mouths packed full of teeth (so that as he gets angrier, his mouth gets bigger and bigger), one background and a few posters. And then I hired a friend of mine to animate the graphics and the little figure in After Effects. Dr. Tran was a lot like a little puppet, drawn by hand and put together in PhotoShop.

How did you come up with the concept of the little Polynesian boy? Is he Polynesian or Asian because I know when I’ve seen it, it looks like Hawaii a little bit?

We never really chose. People have told us that he’s Vietnamese. We never decided that. Basically the idea was, let’s get him as far away from the American culture of entertainment as we could possibly get him. Like he is just unaffected by it. He doesn’t know what to expect and it doesn’t concern him and he’s not even interested. He’s got chores to do. He wants to finish his breakfast ““ very simple ““ and then take the cultures and juxtapose them. The original idea was contrast.

How long did it take to make it? To get it done?

I don’t think I actually answered your question. I think the idea of doing a movie trailer instead of a whole piece was just something that I always wanted to do, when we use to make short films on video throughout high school. I just kept saying, let’s try to do a movie trailer, it looks fun, but I didn’t have access to the editing software. We didn’t even have digital video in the Stone Age (the early Nineties) so, yes, it was just something I’ve always wanted to do.

But it took about five weeks. We had an early concept, but from when we started writing the script to Comic-Con was just over five weeks. It was a real rush. That’s why we had to hire an animator, editor, sound guy, and we had a producer who funded it, did our digital effects in the live action scene”¦ Rick Cortes is our awesome, awesome producer who provided us with our little kid who gets punched in the live action sequence and a lot of the resources that we had. He’s a digital effects artist whose been doing movies and stuff in the industry for years. So he did that marquee where you see Dr. Tran on the live action theatre.

Who is the Actual Asian Male [part of the live action testimonials that spoof on obnoxious audience reactions in television trailers]?

Actually he’s my friend Paul C-H-I-E-N (I’m thinking ahead because I know I spell names wrong and they always get pissed at me). So, Paul is one of the guys we did films with back in high school. I’ve known him since freshman year in high school and he’s gone on to do things of his own. He ran an Americorp group for a couple of years. I think he’s in school now and I just called him up and said “Hey, do you want to come up to LA and be in this thing.” He was glad to. We got to employ a lot of our old friends. We try to get everybody in.

Now I know, and it’s not so much a departure from Dr. Tran, but you have your own or at least you supply support for a comic book that’s now overseen by my own editor, Chris Ryall. Can you explain a little bit about your involvet in both comics and also animation? How did the two converge?

When I did the Beyond Grandpa shorts, it led to a desk job at Nickelodeon for a year, computer animating for Little Bill, Bill Cosby’s Nick Jr. show. Once we finished up our MTV pilot, I moved to Los Angeles and I got a call from my friend Serena Valentino, the creator of a comic book called GLOOMCOOKIE. I think she was just out of artists that day, and I had just moved to LA and I was like, I’m here, I’m going to get into the animation industry and I’m going to”¦..HELLO?….Sure, I’ll do a comic book and then it was BOOM. I’m inside my house every day for like two years just doing a comic book. I didn’t really need to be in LA but it was great fun.

So, after GLOOMCOOKIE, I illustrated a three issue horror mini-series called ALEISTER ARCANE for IDW Publishing, written by Steve Niles, which is now finished up and in development at Paramount Pictures. Somehow I squeezed making Dr. Tran in there somewhere. I think that’s how the timeline goes ““ so I just did it between things ““ which is the reason we had to go so fast because I had to go right on to the next comic book. We’ve gotten such good response to Dr. Tran. We did the DVD this year.

It was kind of a rush to get it done by Comicon. I was reading your journal log and it said I’m in a rush to get this done. I don’t know if I’m going to get it done ““ literally weeks were you able to get the artwork, the bonus features added, you said there were some glitches here and there that you had to work out.

And it’s been the same way with everything that we do. I don’t know how it works but by the end of it, everything is fine. And it seems to be like by the final day we’re done and it’s beautiful and it worked and everybody is happy. But every single day up to that point has been a screeching struggle of mountain climb. I don’t know why. Do you know what I think? With Beyond Grandpa I had to do almost everything myself. I wrote it with my buddies and I would animate, draw, edit and do many of the voices myself, and when you do it that way you have full control. Whereas, when you are relying on a lot of people, everybody may be talented and good at what they do, but coordinating the production becomes the new priority. Things kind of scatter and everyone is trying to figure out what you’re thinking. I’m really impressed with people who direct animation because that kind of coordination is a real skill.

Other responses to the DVD or at least downstairs at the Con?

We just started selling them but it’s going great. People are mostly saying they saw it last year here at the Con and they were waiting for it and they’ve been checking the website every now and again and that kind of stuff.

That’s how I found out about it. I saw Spike & Mike this year and as soon as I saw it, literally the next day, I was on websites on how I could get my hands on it, and I’m not being facetious, I thought it was the best short of this year that I’ve seen. It was enough to prompt me to go find out a little more about this and, sure enough, I saw the site ““ the site looks great but the short wasn’t available to buy until the Con.

And Spike has been ““ he’s been trying to get the DVD rights from us too for quite a while but we thought it would be cool to just do a limited thing. We did 400 of them, and there’s a lot of people who couldn’t come to the Con and they are emailing me saying hey, are we going to be able to get this later and I’m not positive that they will. I’m hoping we will have some left over for them. If we don’t, we did just sign a deal with Spike so he’s going to put out a DVD probably within the next few months that will have it on there. I’m considering giving him the documentary on the Making of Dr. Tran. Just because how absurd is it that there be a documentary that we made for sale in Virgin Megastore? So the fact that we only did 400 is kinda like, it dies there.

So, what’s next? What’s on the horizon? Do you have any concepts or things you’re thinking about since you’ve got a really good response from Dr. Tran?

Yeah, we thought a lot about sequel ideas for Tran, expanding the character, not necessarily the concepts. And there’s been some interest in Beyond Grandpa from different people ““ there’s always something on hold or in development somewhere. Adam Sandler started an animation website back when the whole animation website thing was really popular. Shnorff.com, I think it was called. He wanted to do Beyond Grandpa, so we were getting all geared up to do that and we thought it was great and Shnorff shut it’s doors before it even got off the ground, because of the whole dot com crash or whatever you call it.

And then we pitched another idea. We have this kids animated adventure show we pitched to a studio and this guy loved it, and the next week he lost his job. And then this guy at another studio loved Beyond Grandpa and it was like, “guys we’re going to take you out to dinner, it’s going to be great, we’re going to put this on the air.” I think it was about a month later, he lost his job.

It seems like you’re a bad totem.

A trend! So, I’ve learned to just take it as it comes. I don’t expect anything from the entertainment industry and we just make stuff when the inspiration hits us, and when we have time. You know we thought about Dr. Tran sequels but so far I don’t want to do that. It just kind of stands on its own pretty well and I don’t want to screw it up in a re-tread. Do you know what I mean? Unless we had just the right idea.

I know Craig McCracken with No Neck Joe he’s gone on ““ you know ““ to kid friendly stuff. Obviously some of the things in Spike and Mike are a bit risqué but it translates well for other people who are looking to get their start or at least get something really big off the ground. Are you actively looking for someone to put you on the payroll to do a concept in your own mind about what you’d like to maybe do?

There is a production company that I’m actually working with that has a show idea. It’s more their thing than it is mine so I don’t want to say too much about it but they had me come in and design the characters, rewrite the pitch, kinda conform the characters to my sensibilities, things like that ““ I’m not sure where that is right now. I have a manager that tends to keep track of that stuff for me, so I don’t know. I don’t have too much interest in the business side of it actually. It’s just a wonderful process of working with talented people. And like I said, Dr. Tran ““ many of my buddies ““ cause I’ve got some funny friends ““ Jason Johnson and Justin Hunt who both were in Beyond Grandpa, are two of the funniest guys you’ll ever meet and I just happened to go to high school with them. So, I’m just lucking out basically. With comic books I have a little trouble with the isolation. You get to the point where you go stir crazy and get up and go the bed and between that time you are endlessly working on comic books. That’s all you’re doing. There’s nobody around. Occasionally someone walks their dog by and I say “Please keep me company”. So I don’t know where I was going with that so”¦..

Animation and comics. Obviously with animation you get to be involved with a lot of other people and no isolation with getting other people involved. Doing comic books is very interesting. Do you find one is more artistic than the other? Do you derive more satisfaction than the other?

They are both challenging ““ in ways ““ unique. So, I don’t know. I want to write screen plays and do the whole thing. I just like playing with media and seeing what happens. When we made Dr. Tran, we had no clue that people were going to like it. You never know. You work in a vacuum. You don’t know if people will be OK with what you did. We thought, oh god, this kid’s four or five”¦ he uses all this language and we thought this 3D sequence that only goes for a few seconds, are people going to be pissed at us? We (the audience) have been sitting here waiting for this 3D sequence and now we have to take our glasses off ““ is the crowd going to lynch us? And, thankfully, people just embraced it but you have no clue until the day and you are sitting there anxiously waiting to see what people think. It’s just a really cool process and it’s fun to take the risk and see what happens.

So, if I can avoid it, I’ll try not to get another desk job, but every now and then that kind of thing pops up and you have to do what you have to do. So far, we’ve got a cool little fan base and people are interested in Dr. Tran sculptures and stuff like that. I would love to see that! Nothing I’ve ever done has been made into a toy, so, it would, of course ““ (a guy in an Optimus Prime costume walks by). Optimus! I’m a big Optimus Prime fan and I’m a big Destro fan.

Really? What about Destro?

I haven’t seen any Destros walking around the Con this year. We hide Destro in all our films.

Really?

We don’t tend to tell people where they are since technically Destro is copyright trademark Hasbro Inc., whatever it is. But we love “˜em so on the lowdown we stick him in there.

Is he somewhere in Dr. Tran?

There is a Destro reference, yes, somewhere.

And Beyond Grandpa?

He’s in Grandpa too. I’m not sure I should be telling you that.

No, it’s OK. That can be off the record if you like.

We put a thing on the web site showing where he is in Grandpa.

Well, thank you very much for your time.

Cool, man. Thank you for asking me to do this. This was fun.

Director: Rick Schroder
Cast: Peter Greene, Pooch Hall, Jeff Ham, Julia Jones, Wayne Knight, Tim McGraw, Russell Means, Branscombe Richmond, Richard Roll, Rick Schroder, Justin Scot, Eddie Spears
Release: October 1st, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Black Cloud is an inspirational story about a young American Indian boxer who overcomes personal challenges as he comes to terms with his heritage while fighting his way for a spot on the US Olympic boxing team.

Prognosis: Positive. There isn’t any voiceover to be found in this trailer.

For an independent movie of this size a voiceover is usually employed to try and sell an audience on a movie in much the same way a salesman would do everything in his power to convince you the El Camino is poised for a comeback. This trailer is bold enough that it uses its imagery, its dialogue and its rapid fire flashes of action sequences to get you interested in the film. There’s a risk in letting the elements of the film sell itself but it works.

What we have, in the beginning, is a voice off-screen.

“How long you been boxing?”

“I’ve been fightin’ my whole life.”

Sweaty gloves knock into padded heads and then, like a surprise guest star on Nash Bridges, we get PULP FICTION patrol officer Zed himself, Peter Greene, but in this go around he plays a boxing scout who is trying to convince Black Cloud, Eddie Spears, to come and try out for the United States Olympic boxing team. The offer is quickly rejected by his trainer who says that Black Cloud doesn’t need adulation, he boxes because, “he needs to.”

This is when the drum beats begin and you know, judging by the scowl on his face, Black Cloud is going to get into a world of hurt with the mountain sized chip on his shoulder. His self-paved road to boxing greatness is hindered by a father who drinks too much, a dead mom he cannot remember, and by Rick Schroder, who gets his ass deservedly whooped for making a comment about the very same mother and for sporting that wicked handlebar moustache..

Black Cloud is told he is the chosen one, but I am feeling this doesn’t have anything to do with Eddie Murphy or a little Asian boy. He bobs and weaves around a punching bag, he runs free on the mesa of his land, and looks like he scores a fairly nice lady in the process before the ass whooping is returned to him in the ring. There are many punches tossed in Black Cloud’s direction before a wise Indian man tells Cloud that he must lose himself before he finds himself. I know he doesn’t know Eminem, and if he does it’s probably for his crisp candy shell, but the song that the line evokes seems weirdly appropriate anyway.

Then, as if out of nowhere, his smack talkin’, smooth movin’ opponent in the ring calls Black Cloud Tonto. If there’s any reason why a guy deserves a cinematic beat down I’m feeling that comment sealed the deal. I’m feeling this trailer for the amount of rage these dudes have for one another. All that’s really missing is a cage match.

We get intros to Schroder and Tim McGraw who, if you look up the showbiz appearances by the latter, only has one other acting part to his name before this one: as a guest musician on a Neil Diamond television special. It’s nice to see Tim here sans the man who made coming to America such a sinister, musical odyssey.

From here, lighting fast snippets fill the screen as bits and pieces of the film flicker and flash too fast to bring into context. What I can see, though, is a movie predicated on ferociousness. Black Cloud is looking to take his anger out on the world and it seems that if he doesn’t find a positive channel, the very same things that are falling apart around him will only serve to drag him down as well. See? I didn’t even need voiceover guy to tell me that, either.

Director: Don Mancini
Cast: Jennifer Tilly, Brad Dourif, Billy Boyd, John Waters, Redman, Hannah Spearritt
Release: November 12, 2004
Synopsis: Following the events of ‘Bride of Chucky,’ killer dolls Chucky and Tiffany are now faced with the challenge that all parents face: raising their precious child, Glen (Billy Boyd), to become a family of killer dolls.

Prognosis: Positive, I think. This looks exactly like it should.

There is the first person view from way down low. The room is ominously dark where once a birthday party occurred, evidenced by a quarter slice of cake missing from the whole (not much a party by my standards, but I can understand if all the kids were on an Atkins plan), and a cheesy “˜80s synth soundtrack fills the air.

The first kill Chucky makes is enough to get cheers from me as the true horror genre has been absent for far too long in modern cinema. And though I fear this won’t be played straight for gore and chills, supplanted by a comedic tone and tongue-in-cheek cheekiness, there is still more going for it than it really should. I want to dislike this film, but I can’t stop getting anxious at the thought for getting another go with that crazy ass toy.

One of the things that happen in this trailer is that it recounts the events of its predecessor, a lazy method of exposition, but it quickly gets to the point: Chucky and his new bride want to make a human child. And the person who is the dame du jour is Jennifer Tilly. It’s creepy, and see if you agree with me, but when the voiceover says Jennifer’s name it sounds like Satan’s voice from the EXORCIST and I was waiting for him to follow it with a continuous chanting of “redrum.”

As soon as Tilly’s character mentions in a faux interview that she was good enough to play Erin Brockovich and wouldn’t have had needed to wear a Wonderbra, I am convinced that I should expect more funny and less homicide. The film’s producers are going for more of a comedy/horror reaction in this one and it’s further evidenced by Chucky’s bride giving him a clear plastic cup to fill up with, um, stuffing or whatever the hell would pass as man gravy from a doll in order to get Tilly preggers. There’s actually jokes being cracked near the end of this trailer between Chucky and his wife but I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m used to my horror and comedy keeping at least fifty feet away from each other.

At the very end there is a conceit that has Chucky rolling in an H2 by himself and comes upon Britney Spears. He doesn’t seem to like the chick that seems to be into guys who try, as hard as they can, to appear like they grew up in Watts and he does us all a favor by running her off the road. A big explosion ensues with John Waters, master of weird, looking on. It’s surreal and I question whether I really like it but it’s so amusing in a juvenile way that I look past its immaturity.

Also, I like that Jennifer gets introduced as an Academy Award nominee and, right after that, Chucky is given credit for being an MTV Movie Award nominee. This movie looks like it isn’t taking anything seriously but that’s actually a slight shame as I still yearn for the horror of old. However, the teens out there looking for a movie to waste their money on for a Friday or Saturday night diversion might find what they’re looking for in this movie. My only wish is that this film makes up for the heinous outing of BRIDE OF CHUCKY.

Director: Andy Tennant
Cast: Will Smith, Eva Mendes, Kevin James, Michael Rapaport
Release:February 11, 2005
Synopsis: A professional matchmaker’s program is threatened by a female journalist who enrolls as a student and plans on publishing an exposé on his fraudulent methods.

Prognosis: Negative. Will Smith.

How the mighty have fallen. Not out of financial disrepair, mind you, but fallen into a cushy pigeonhole of safe vanilla characters and a one trick pony execution.

“Most guys just don’t understand women.”

We are treading into very dangerous territory with this opening line. After it’s presented, however, we get a woman tossing a cup filled with ice in the direction of man who protests too much that his unheard question to the woman was purely innocuous. Will Smith addresses and shatters, with unwelcome aplomb, the 4th wall by talking right to the audience by saying this is where he steps in.

Will goes over the man, still visibly pissed some beyotch flipped some cold crap on his nice sports jersey, and gives him a quick assessment of what the woman thought he was saying while offering some tips on what he can do to possibly get all up in that and hit it.

This would be amusing if it was a promo for an NBC show called Matchmaker. Oh, right, there was already a show called that and it was cancelled. No one believed it then and I don’t believe it here. But, being as objective as I can, I plod forth.

Kevin James headlines as well in this movie. He somehow, through the magic of Hollywood and imagination beyond even my ken, gets some trim that looks awfully close to Cameron Diaz asking for his number. Why is she asking for it? What did he do that was so great? No clue. I am aware though that Will is supposed to be a date doctor, who is named, coincidently and wickedly ironic, Hitch. He’s helping Kevin out in what seems like a stretch role for the King of Queens who is now playing a dateless, lumbering dufus instead of a married, lumbering dufus.

The highlight for me, if I had a highlight reel that I could show over and over again, is Will coaching Kevin on how to dance. Oh yeah, I love it as we get the whole stereotype of white people, men specifically, of not being able to dance. Will shows us what he means by giving us an example. Yeah, it was funny when Eddie Murphy did it in RAW but it is just played out, Middle America humor here in the 21st century. If it was my movie Kevin would shoot back with a bon mot by explaining that the word ask is not annunciated as the thing firemen use to beat down a burning door.

In a twist not seen since THE CRYING GAME Will seems to lose his ability to impress the opposite sex when he finally meets someone who he is interested in. (Gasp!) I know what you’re all feeling. It’s not as bad as seeing a kielbasa whip out at you but, damn, them thar writers thought of a winner plot line. Will bumbles, crumbles and simply falls apart around the woman he wants to make his. We even get an allergy gag, one I was really fond of when it Martin Short did it in PURE LUCK, but here?

I’m just amazed that CBS isn’t putting this in between reruns of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND and STILL STANDING.

Director: John Moore
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Giovanni Ribisi, Miranda Otto, Hugh Laurie, Jared Padalecki, Tony Curran
Release:November 24, 2004
Synopsis: An action-adventure in which a group of air crash survivors – cast-offs from society who will never be missed – are stranded in the Mongolian desert with no hope of rescue. As they attempt to build a new plane from the wreckage of the old one, in hopes of flying back to civilization, they experience a rebirth of their own.

Prognosis: Unimpressed. I first came across Dennis Quaid in his role as a reckless young pilot who will stop at nothing from being with his severely permed girlfiend, Meg Ryan, in INNERSPACE after being injected into Martin Short (Damn, two justified Martin Short references. I wonder what the hell is happening in the cosmos this week). I hate to think that he’s the kind of an actor, who I don’t find particularly compelling in anything he’s ever done with the exception of a couple movies like TRAFFIC, who really won’t ever be in anything profound but he’s like a good hitter in a line-up that manages to just hit well enough to justify his place but not good enough to be the one who captures all the headlines. This will be another one of those kind of movies.

When the trailer opens I imagine the movie is going to be an interesting remake that blends some new elements into the plot to make things more modern. I stop thinking so much after seeing the prop engine plane in the middle of a desert. This movie will be exactly like its predecessor. In fact, if you go back and look at an old movie poster for the first film, which starred Jimmy Stewart and Richard Attenborough, you see the same line of people pulling a plane though the desert that you see doing it here. It’s odd, if you haven’t seen the first version, when the plane actually gets into the air as the girl from THE GOLDEN CHILD watches it go over her head because you’re not quite sure where on God’s green earth these people are supposed to be. I am left to assume they are in Asia somewhere and at some time in history but I don’t know that for sure. Thankfully, I’m someone who likes figuring out these kinds of puzzles and not having to hear throaty voiceover guy spoil the fun is a nice change of pace.

Like all good movies that start with a plane taking off, though, that bird is going to fall from the sky. I have to give big ups to the trailer makers who show one of the props actually disengaging from the wing of the plane and embedding itself into the fuselage. The screen goes mute. There is only a moment’s worth of actual music score as the plane goes tumbling down. Awesome. Everything gets flamey and smokey and I wish real hard for maybe only one or two of the guys to make it. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people live, with the exception of the one dude I see getting sucked out of what once was the tail section of the plane.

Dennis lets us all know that they are in the middle of the desert, have little water and any chance to get rescued is about zil to none; I like this movie even more. I do, however, have to take contention with the shirtless guys on parade. Yeah it’s a desert but where are the topless chicks in the desert? Seeing these dudes only make me feel inferior because they have bigger breasts than I do. Quickly diverting my attention, though, is Giovanni Ribisi who steps in (he is one of the best, but also the most criminally underutilized, actors working today) and lets us all know that in order to get out of the desert they are going to have to make a plane out of the one that crashed. I am real curious to know why in hell these guys were carrying welding equipment, and matching cover masks, but I’m intrigued. Spirit in the Sky cranks up and we get the montage so popular in the 80’s of people coming together during a musical interlude so that by the end of the song everything is all finished and perfect. Yay.

We get some tense moments. A lighting storm shocks one dude off the wing of the metal plane (I hope that guy dies for not having learned thing about electricity from Mr. Wizard’s World), a long strip of quiet nomadic locals take a shine on the Americans rebuilding their plane, we get some violence courtesy of a gun, and, of course, the eventual test flight of the newly constructed plane.

Overall, this feels like a Disney production with nothing really spectacular going for it other than the possibility of the one girl having to strip down because of the heat. Since I know that isn’t going to happen and that a certain percentage of the movie’s stars will miraculously make it out alive on the makeshift plane this movie should do as well as any average, dependable sports player you’re really not expecting much from.

Director: Brian Levant
Cast: Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen, Philip Bolden, Jay Mohr
Release: January 28, 2005
Syn: The fledgling romance between Nick, a playboy bachelor, and Suzanne, a divorced mother of two, is threatened by a particularly harrowing New Year’s Eve. When Suzanne’s work keeps her in New York City for the holiday, Nick offers to bring her kids to the city from Washington D.C. The kids, who have never liked any of the men their mom has dated, and are determined to turn the trip a nightmare for Nick.

Prognosis: Dizam, this looks like crizap. I remember a time when Ice Cube was a man to be feared. In photos with NWA, Ice had his jheri curl tucked inside the black ball cap on his head that clearly read Ice Cube so you knew exactly who you were looking at when you saw him. The man laid down dope rhymes and was a masterful storyteller, to say nothing of the man’s flow, long before I could appreciate it. I was in awe at how many F, S, P and N bombs the man dropped. It appealed to my fourteen year-old sensibilities.

Push the fast-forward button on the time machine a good fifteen years, insert that sound of the tape going really really fast, and you come up with a version of a man who seems to be faring quite nicely after being co-opted, and willingly letting it happen, by the powers that be. This is a safer, gentler Ice Cube.

“Mom says that we should be polite.”

The trailer opens with a nice man brining flowers to Nia Long. He looks like a successful man, he dresses nice, but it’s quickly apparent that Nia’s kids don’t like suitors. So what’s a kid to do? Make Rube Goldberg contraptions that ensure that the men never want to come back again. In the previously stated man’s case, flying tomatoes that explode on impact will do well enough, but there needs to be something more that will really get the simpletons in the audience laughing, or guffawing, out loud. Ah, yes. Marbles. Everyone in the world can appreciate the funny in a man slipping on a patch of marbles.

“I feel sorry for the next sucker who tries to put on the moves.”

Ice is all pimped out. He has his matching coat and cap, is rolling in a nice ride, and in the shop he works at, and possibly owns, he tosses a football at the heads of some kids he doesn’t like. He looks like he is loving life, and, oddly enough, doesn’t like kids. Cue Nia. On a side note, if single moms around the world looked as good as her there would be no child left behind I can promise you that. Ice is impressed with her and ends up trying to help the single mom out by offering her jumpstart on a car with a dead battery. It’s raining out, he mentions the dangers of doing it in the rain, but they ignore the possibilities of simple science, and the man shoots back in an electric shock when the inevitable happens.

Seeing how he wants to shoplift the pootie Ice somehow willingly takes on the responsibility to transport Nia’s little hellions to wherever the hell she has to quickly go off to in the first place. Of course, seeing how Ice’s ride was really nice and he’s accustomed to things looking just as good, the kids begin their travails with the strange man by trashing his car. Next, at the airport, one of the little jokers puts a corkscrew in Ice’s pocket to be found by security. Normally, this matter would be taken care of with nary a second thought as security would tell Ice he would not be able to board the plane with it and would confiscate the item. No, since this is movie is about physical humor, and a movie geared to a more kid friendly sect of the population, Ice is treated to a Terry Tate style beat down.

So, with flying out as an option Ice decides to drive and that’s where, while sitting on plastic covering the seats, one of the kids utters this movie’s title. From here, it’s pee jokes, Ice getting locked out of the car, the kids going for a joy ride in a parking lot, somehow the kids ending up on a freight train while Ice rides along on a horse (don’t ask me how this happens), Ice literally goes mano-y-mano with a deer, as a myriad of other physical pranks pepper this montage of events. There is the obligatory hug the kids give to Ice, probably when everyone learns what it means to really love someone, while I try to learn to stay away from this formulaic crap. We get one more gag, courtesy of the little boy, of the puke variety to end this one on a classy note. Of course by the end of this movie Ice’s car is trashed beyond all methods of repair and the fact that they all end up at a train station somehow is probably a good indication of this actually occurring.

I would ask where the man I once saw as a roughneck bad ass is but I already know the answer to that question: having a good time getting paid many dollars to be less threatening to audiences.

Director: Zak Penn
Cast: Werner Herzog, John Bailey, Kitana Baker, Gabriel Beristain, David A. Davidson, Steven Gardner, Crispin Glover, Jeff Goldblum, Lena Herzog, Ricky Jay, Michael Karnow, Robert O’Meara, Zak Penn, Pietro Scalia, Adrian Shine, Russell Williams
Release: September 17th, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: A documentary exploring the myth of the Loch Ness monster.

Prognosis: Hmm. As movies go, I don’t usually focus on the person writing them when I think of whether or not I’ll enjoy the final piece. I like to give every film an honest chance to make an impression regardless of its origins. Here, though, after seeing this trailer, I am convinced that the man behind the script will ultimately kill or levitate this movie beyond its initial premise. But first things first.

This trailer opens up with a man, a scraggly, barfly kind of a man, talking about the Loch Ness monster and its mythic past. And then, the last person you would think to see in a reality/fiction film, Werner Herzog pops on the screen saying he’s always been interested in the difference between fact and truth. The camera pans out onto the loch itself as its deep waters crest back and forth, the grey skies and damp atmosphere captured fully in the frame. Werner stands on the edge of a small boat and reiterates the notion of a dinosaur-like creature swelling beneath the surface; he interviews a scientist who believes, as well, in the creature and its realness.

There’s a nice voiceover that lets us know that a pack of filmmakers and scientists, with some clips given more of a “reality” feel with the time code still embedded in the footage, boarded a boat looking for Nessie. The trailer then shows the people tagging along for the ride while another clip shows a moment when a scientist explains his own position on the mythical beast. And then, things get interesting.

There’s a commotion on the boat. Hands pound on the fiberglass window of the little booth where Werner is steering. The scientists have found something; they’ve found the monster. It rams the boat. A man goes overboard. People ask what it is while Werner requests to keep filming. The last piece of film is of a man with the government who is confounded by what exactly happened during this voyage. As reality movies go, it’s a winner of a trailer.

One of the things about this genre, which has seen a proliferation in fiction pieces couched as real documentaries (SEPTEMBER TAPES, OPEN WATER, COMIC BOOK: THE MOVIE, etc…), is that they are part of the nation’s zeitgeist. People like their entertainment, for good or bad, real and unscripted. What these movies show, and it’s interesting to keep in mind next time you watch a “reality” program, is how well the line between fact and fiction can get blurred with someone talented enough behind the pen. And, since I brought it up, the guy behind this one is Zak Penn and has been responsible, in part, for bringing some nerd friendly movies to the big screen. From the Piven classic, PCU, the check-your-brain-at-the-door action fest, BEHIND ENEMY LINES, to the indeterminable powerful script of X2, the man has done some notable work. Let’s hope his directing and writing the film doesn’t add up to him spreading his talents too thin.

Director: Bill Condon
Cast: Liam Neeson, Laura Linney, Chris O’Donnell, Peter Sarsgaard, Timothy Hutton, John Lithgow, Oliver Platt, Tim Curry
Release: November 12, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Academy Award-winning Bill Condon (GODS & MONSTERS, CHICAGO) explores the life of the pioneer of human sexuality research, Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson). Spanning six decades from his childhood in the early 1900s to his death in 1956, the film turns the microscope on the man whose landmark studies on the sexual behaviors of the common man rocked a nation. The interviewer of tens of thousands, Kinsey subjected his own life and that of his researchers to the same type of analysis that produced his 1948 best-selling book “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.” But while the Kinsey team’s focus was predominantly outward, perhaps what they learned about themselves was as great as that which they taught their country.

Prognosis: Positive. I’ve always known that Kinsey was right.

What people admit they do, sexually, when asked publicly is a lot different than what actually happens when the doors are closed, curtains are drawn and people get freaky deaky. This trailer gets right to the heart of this and doesn’t waste a moment.

This, the second trailer in the series, feeds off the first which simply had Liam Neeson sitting in a chair behind a white background as he speaks directly to the audience in an interview-type fashion. Chris O’Donnell, whose last good film, really, tapped into every middle-aged man’s zeitgeist and vocal repertoire with the phrase “hoo-ha,” looks good as one of Kinsey’s interviewers as does Peter Sarsgaard.

“All we have is what people like you are willing to share with us.”

I like the preceding comment because Liam addresses the audience and it not only works well to create some intimacy but it has the same effect as it did when Kinsey did it so many decades ago with people who sat in his office giving up details about their most intimate of activities. I appreciate the rapid fire answers some of the people offer to questions we aren’t given but we can only imagine what they are as one blonde beauty gives a cryptic answer to some question that she, “thinks about her cat.” I’m not sure what this was in regard to but I only hope she was a minority sample.

Just as we hit the midpoint we are thrust into knowing that Bill Condon, the man who won a well-deserved Academy Award for his writing on GODS AND MONSTERS, is the same man who brings us this one. The accolade is not too intrusive and it even adds some credibility to the project. What furthers the feeling that this movie is a statement more about our culture dealing with sexuality than just simply about the man who reported on it, a man who wanted only to find some sliver of truth about people, is the way the trailer unfolds showing how social forces moved against him. People wanted his knowledge to further their own agendas, but Kinsey became vilified by some in the government who couldn’t appreciate what his scientific work was doing.

There was also conflict at home and at the office and you see what kinds of strife await the man on all fronts of his life. The mood by the end of the trailer is heavier than when it started as there are questions about not only how far Kinsey went to get the information he needed but what kinds of questions he didn’t ask about himself when dealing with those whom he loved.

This looks like a middle of the road drama that may get some buzz later for Oscar consideration but I can’t see anything that may provoke that kind of talk.

Director: Geoffrey Sax
Cast: Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger, Chandra West, Ian McNeice
Release: January 7, 2005
Synopsis: Michael Keaton plays successful architect Jonathan Rivers, whose peaceful existence is shattered by the unexplained disappearance and death of his wife, Anna (Chandra West). Jonathan is eventually contacted by a man (Ian McNeice), who claims to be receiving messages from Anna through EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), the process through which the dead communicate with the living through household recording devices. At first skeptical, Jonathan then becomes convinced of the messages’ validity, and is soon obsessed with trying to contact her on his own. His further explorations into EVP and the accompanying supernatural messages unwittingly open a door to another world, allowing something uninvited into his life.

Prognosis: Positive. Where the hell did Michael Keaton go?

The man, at one time, was poised for a long, Tom Hanks-ian career. There was the BATMAN franchise that started in the late eighties, and before that, BEETLE JUICE, MR. MOM, and I still admit to being glued to basic cable when GUNG-HO is on the television. So, it’s good to not only see him back in something more high profile than just LIVE FROM BAGHDAD which was excellent but was limited in the number of people it actually was able to reach, but this is a good trailer that seems like a mix of WHAT LIES BENEATH and POLTERGEIST.

The trailer begins with a really bad voice over, that much I can say. The man tries to be throaty and ominous but he really only manages to get to a level where it seems he should be sticking to his night job of being the guy who says, “Next week, on Law and Order”¦” That aside, it’s a great setup. It presupposes that you’ll believe that what you’re about to hear is real.

What happens is that the screen gets all green and you get slow close-up a voice modulation system that flickers up and down. A voice speaks out: “I will see you no more.”

Ok. So what? The voice comes on but there’s no context. Before you get completely befuddled about what it is you think you’re listening to, this voice, and a few others that follow, turn out to be voices from the dead. The subtitles try and break it down and interpret what the people think they hear from all the static in the background, but it’s like listening to those dogs at the beginning of that dope Beastie Boys song “Sure Shot” that say “I love you.” Convince me that those dogs are really able to say “I love you” and I’ll start believing your trailer but as I was a bit of a freak on the subject when I was fourteen and stupid the trailer’s conceit still intrigues me.

The guy doing the voiceover does a serviceable job, though, to let us know that what is going on is the art of electronic voice phenomenon; through sound and image the dead communicate with the living. Pure and simple. We get a few more audio examples which includes the obligatory “I love you,” but, sadly, no dogs come through.

This all leads nicely to Michael Keaton mourning the loss of his wife. Some wag asks if he’d like to hear his dead wife’s voice. He’s torn up, bummed out, probably slightly happy now that he has a free ticket on the indiscriminate poon express, but this opportunity brings him some solace. However, things always have a way in these kinds of movies to veer off course. His life becomes infected with poltergeists from voices on the television, the phone, to apparitions in the hallway. Now, and I’m being absolutely serious here, I’m not sure about you but Deborah Unger appears to be playing some chick who is somehow staying with Keaton in his house. Let’s all say a prayer that the old wife gets jealous and does a little somethin’ somethin’ like what was done with JoBeth Williams in POLTERGEIST in that scene where she’s tossed around on the ceiling wearing nothing but”¦well, just get on your knees and pray to Zod. May our voices be heard.

What’s also intriguing is the website, aaevp.com, that’s given out at the end of this trailer. I checked it out and the page seems to be designed by Mrs. Lipinski’s third grade class. I’m not kidding you when I say there is a little animated ghost, hovering sheet with black eyeholes and all, which sits near the top of the page. HTML never looked so bland. However, the trailer gets some additional points for trying to make things feel more real.

Director: Roger Michell
Cast: Daniel Craig, Samantha Morton, Rhys Ifans
Release: September 17, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Adapted from Ian McEwan’s novel, ENDURING LOVE begins by showing a young man named Joe Rose (Craig) who has planned an exquisite afternoon in the British countryside to celebrate his girlfriend Clarissa’s (Morton) return a six-week stint in the United States. This beautiful picture quickly takes a turn for the strange and ugly when a hot air balloon attempts to make a crash landing. The pilot catches his leg in the anchor rope while his passenger, a young boy, is far too afraid to jump down. Suddenly, the wind starts whipping and Joe and a group of four other men rush to secure the basket.

View Trailer:
* Medium (Quick Time)

Prognosis: Positive. “I think that you think that there’s this sort of bond between us because of what we went through.”

In my eyes, Rhys Ifans is still the man who daringly went out to greet a media onslaught outside his front door wearing nothing but his knickers in NOTTING HILL. I only remember this because I am still in therapy trying to forget every detail of the tiny plum smugglers he was wearing. Daniel Craig, on the other hand, only reminds me of that South African fellow from LETHAL WEAPON, Derrick O’Connor, who should have been in a lot more villain roles after carrying off a pitch perfect in that flick. Other than LAYER CAKE I don’t really have a good reference point for Daniel but that’s a good thing here; it’s nice for an actor not have to live up to any kind of role they’ve played in the past.

The two of them share some coffee time together while Daniel enjoys a fag. Mind you, the mood seems tense. Rhys looks despondent and maniacal, but we see what Daniel is referring to when he comments about sharing an unsettling moment with his new friend. A hot air balloon accident tangles their two fates together and Rhys is now the Bobby to this Peter’s Brady Bunch moment (you know, the one where Bobby locks himself in Mel’s meat locker and”¦never mind”¦).

There is wonderful score tucked in the background as we see the events in question unfold. It seems that Daniel was all ready to propose to Samantha Morton before Rhys and he try to save a little boy in a hot air balloon. You can see how that would ruin the cozy couple’s picnic plans, but it appears that Daniel let go of the balloon rope before one of the other rescuers forgot to do so. That person fell to their death. Rhys was there and now he won’t leave the poor sod alone.

The film has a stalker vibe to it but Rhys really plays up an angle of someone who’s really depressed yet incredibly clingy. He’s obsessed with the death of one of the rescuers and he starts to show up at odd moments, at odd times and tries to slip into this guy’s life.

We’re told, at this point, that the same guy who directed NOTTING HILL and CHANGING LANES is the man behind this one. At the same time Rhys serenades Daniel in the most uncomfortable way as it’s creepy and it’s more different than anything we’ve come to expect from the director.

We are given nary an inch of inkling about how this film is going to end. Splendid tease in every sense of the word.

Director: Jonathan Glazer
Cast: Nicole Kidman, Cameron Bright, Danny Huston, Lauren Bacall, Arliss Howard, Peter Stormare, Anne Heche
Release: November 5, 2004
Synopsis: A young widow is finally getting on with her life after the death of her husband, Sean. Now engaged to be married, Anna meets a ten year-old boy (Cameron Bright) who tells her he is Sean reincarnated. Though his story is both unsettling and absurd, Anna can’t get the boy out of her mind. And much to the concern of her fiancée (Danny Huston), her increased contact with him leads her to question the choices she has made in her life.

Prognosis: Positive. I like the opening.

There’s a person jogging on a snowy path. It looks cold, it’s empty, it feels lonely and a pack of dogs (?) with no owner crosses his path. He keeps running. The hooded man stops underneath a small jogging bridge. He collapses and dies.

Nicole Kidman says he can’t get him out of her system as she stands over his snowy grave.

Time goes on, Nicole tries to shake the fact she was 1/3 of BMX BANDITS, but then something else more extraordinary happens.

Out of the blue, after visiting the very same place her poor husband collapsed and died, Nicole says that a kid she met is the reincarnation of her late husband. The child comes to live with her. The only rebuttal that Nicole can give to the more forward thinking people in her family who say “And what kind of Jamaican Red have you been throwing in your hash pipe this week?” is this: “He said, “˜it’s me, Shawn.’ What am I supposed to think?” I’ll tell you what I think: that I should have been scrolling the obituaries and tracking down hot young widows as soon as I hit puberty, that’s what. Damn, that kid’s got game.

So, ok, I’ll give the film the benefit of the doubt.

Nicole’s new fiancée doesn’t believe the kid. I don’t blame him, either. Hey, if I was about to marry that kind of woman, all crazy but incredibly rich, I would probably even be suspicious of myself, so I believe the fiancée’s character. So, what does he do instead of taking the kid out back and hitting him in the head with a phone book so it doesn’t leave a mark? He questions him. The child has an answer for every question. The music in the background keeps things tense as we look for chinks in this kid’s armor but it doesn’t show. Nicole is all confused because she doesn’t know what to believe and the fiancée is freaking out because he knows that until this kid is out of the picture he ain’t getting any anytime soon.

The trailer is fast, gets in and does what it needs to do, and gets out. There isn’t a wasted moment or lost opportunity. This is a solid trailer. Granted, it doesn’t blow me away as the last time I thought a flick with the young Cameron Bright was going to be a good hit, GODSEND, he ended up effin’ up the works. So, I’ll give him another chance to be the creepy wildcard and we’ll see where this one goes. The director, as well, should get some props for making one of the best movies of 2000: SEXY BEAST.

With Lauren Bacall in the mix there is some good talent present. Let’s hope it doesn’t go to waste.

Director: Andrew Lau, Alan Mak
Cast: Tony Leung, Andy Lau, Anthony Wong, Eric Tsang
Release: September 24, 2004 (limited)br> Synopsis: Directed by Andrew Lau and Alan Mak and headlined by Asian superstars Andy Lau and Tony Leung, INFERNAL AFFAIRS is a tightly wound thriller which centers on two Hong Kong police officers – one a gang mole on the force and the other an undercover cop in the gang – who share the same objectives and who find their destinies intertwined in this high-octane police actioner.

Prognosis: Positive. This one has been sitting on the shelf for a little while.

Released in Hong Kong on December 12, 2002 this movie has made its way, finally, to US shores. For those of you at home keeping track of Miramax’s score for how many other countries have seen this film before us, the movie has been from Hong Kong to Norway, Australia, the UK, Sweden, France, Denmark, Germany, flippin’ Estonia, Romania, Hungary and on and on it goes until the United States, the last country on record, is the final kid to pick up the scraps of what everyone else has been enjoying. I make no presumptions about why it has taken this long but it has and we’re the last to see it, again.

The voiceover we get for this trailer is good. Because it’s a foreign language flick and it’s an action/drama kind of film you need someone to really play up the kinetic quality of the whole production. The beginning opens with a great shot of Hong Kong at night, just to provide some geographic clue as to where we are, and then, in the daylight, we get some dude in a black wife beater running from something or someone we can’t see.

Before we get too far into things we are shown all the awards this film has won but it seems more focused on getting the word WINNER fully legible in big letters than they are with telling in which competition it actually won them. I even tried pausing the screen and I still can’t make out what the hell is written at the bottom. It could’ve been a student film contest sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts, but it’s ok because for the last two years the world has been speaking with their dollars about this film.

From the wife beater guy we’re told that two friends became the “best cadets on the force.” At first it looks like a military operation but it turns out to be a proving ground for Hong Kong’s finest po-pos. At one point one of the two friends is shooting a pistol without his shirt on but still has his cop hat and cop glasses on as I wait to hear some “It’s Raining Men” in the background. One of the guys goes undercover to infiltrate the mob, looking all scruffy in his undercover getup, but the other one stays on the visible side of the law with a snappy haircut to boot. What seems to be the case here is that both men are after a traitor in their midst.

While the voiceover guy says that said traitor is deadly, dangerous, blabbity blah blah, I see some flashy moments of split screen being employed; with two guys going after the same dude it makes sense. The level of direction this movie appears to possess and the way it shows how competent its cinematography makes me wonder why this has languished in Miramax’s vaults. Actually, I can forward a few hypotheses but doing that may push back the release date by a few more months so I’ll just stay mum on the subject.

“What they don’t know is that they are hunting for each other.”

Normally I wouldn’t get all giddy for a line that a voiceover ever tosses out, as it’s always a hackneyed, sales pitch-y rhetorical device to brainwash twelve-year olds, but it worked well for me here. The small bits of press praise the film has received is welcomed as it helps people decide, for some of them anyway, whether it’s worth going out of their way to see.

As a side note I also like the body falling on top of the car at the very end too. If you ever need a way to end a trailer, having a lifeless body fall on top of a car will always get kudos from me.

Director: George Lucas
Cast: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence, Don Pedro Colley, Maggie McOmie, Ian Wolfe, Marshall Efron, Sid Haig
Release: September 10, 2004 (Directors Cut); September 14, 2004 (DVD)
Synopsis: George Lucas adapted this, his first film, from a short he made at University. THX 1138, LUH 3417, and SEN 5241 attempt to escape from a futuristic society located beneath the surface of the Earth. The society has outlawed sex, with drugs used to control the people. THX 1138 stops taking the drugs, and gets LUH 3417 pregnant. They are both thrown in jail where they meet SEN 5241 and start to plan their escape.

Prognosis: Positive. At the San Diego Comic-Con there were these freaky hippy dudes, but without the sub-dermal patchouli smell and dressed in the same Egyptian clothing the people in this film, passing out small postcards pimping this film. While I am still not quite sure what this film is about I am sure there are cadres and legions of you hiding behind an electronic veil of anonymity that could. Some of you can attest to going to film school because of Lucas’ inspiration whereas I wore a white helmet wearing a short bus that showed nothing but RASINING ARIZONA and STRANGE BREW. Here, however, is what I think is going on in this film: it’s a balder version of I, ROBOT and a more frenetic-paced film than 1984 with a tinge of BLADE RUNNER nihilism. Do I even come close?

If nothing else, the trailer is great. I gasp in horror myself that I am actually looking forward to picking up something this upcoming Tuesday made by Lucas himself that I am not grinding my teeth down to stumps wishing I could just pass up (yes, I am one of the many who was lured into the dark side to own PHANTOM MENACE, but, really, Ray Park was criminally underused but a wonder to watch when he was on screen.).

Here’s how I see things: you have a po-po walking a little kid down a stark white hallway. The feeling is antiseptic and abnormally clean, clinical even. Static buzzes on a television screen and it’s Mr. Napalm himself, Robert Duvall, asking for medication; something stronger, perhaps? A faceless voice, with a tone that’s too chipper to be sinister, tells him that it if he has a problem he shouldn’t hesitate to ask for assistance. Duvall looks beaten, emotionally, and is on the verge of giving up on everything.

Old school printouts, the ones where there’s alternating green and white boxes and are perforated on the sides, jut upwards on the screen. These are the same kind of printouts that always got jammed if your name wasn’t Bob Villa and you ended up not matching the effin’ spindles just perfectly. Everything goes black. Bob stands in the corner; flashbacks of a bleached BLAIR WITCH ending come to mind, as he taps his head against the wall. The chipper voice asks, “What’s wrong?” Bobby doesn’t answer.

Duvall works the assembly line, wearing some badass vintage headphones that could go for some serious dough on E-Bay, on some maniacal looking robot. The voice behind a dozen glowing television screens call out again, “What’s wrong?” Before I think Duvall is making out with some dude, not that there is anything wrong with that but I like to know these things going in, I see the grainy visage of a holo-projected Obi-Wan pop up on the screen. I could care less who it actually is but it’s cool nonetheless as long as the voice attached to it isn’t that man-child platypus from the first two films who I wished hard would’ve got whacked.

The sets look minimal but the tinkering that Lucas has done to this in recent years, even though I haven’t seen frame one of the actual film, is evident by the kinds of enhancements I can see. After we see the apocalyptic world Duvall lives in, and after we finally see that he really wasn’t kissing a dude, not that there would have been anything wrong with that, we hear the woman in question say that “they” have been watching the two of them. I am assuming they aren’t allowed to get together. A green screen shows us that Duvall is indeed a sexual deviant who is to be conditioned out of his disorder. Here’s where the really good stuff comes.

Some po-po’s that have silvery faces like an 80’s era Express mannequin come plodding forward, attempting to take our good hero away, but aren’t able to catch their quarry as Duvall hits the switches and takes off in what sounds like a land-speeder; I mean, c’mon, listen to it. After this, a voice goes off. “What’s wrong?” it says. It says it over and over again as small clips play.

The captivating images here are of Duvall trying to make his way through a sea of humanity, trying to escape, and of him in a small car while the mannequin cops speed on their motorbikes after his unconforming ass. The whole trailer is made with minimal music and it works wonderfully here. In the true old school way the trailer teases without revealing an ending and whets the appetite to find out what the hell is actually going on. There was no setup for this thing and we are thrust into this guy’s world but by the end we know that trouble is afoot.

Director:Elliot Berlin, Joe Fab
Cast: Linda Hooper, Sandra Roberts, Dagmar Schindel-Hildebrad, Peter Schroeder, David Smith
Release:September 8, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: As a part of their study of the Holocaust, the children of the Whitwell, TN Middle School try to collect 6 million paper clips representing the 6 million Jews killed by the Nazis.

Prognosis: Positive. “Our goal was to teach children what happens when prejudice goes unchecked.”

Simple fact about me #56,342: I like movies about World War II. I don’t know why but I am utterly fascinated with what happened in that time. Be it Hitler, the Jews, the indifferent America that turned its back on it all until Pearl Harbor (Lord only knows I probably would’ve tried myself to sink America after seeing Michael Bay’s vision of fictional puke), or the internment of the Japanese (where are more silver screen examples on that story?), I am hooked on it all. So, when a film like this comes out and draws on the truly heinous to make younger generations learn a lesson or two I am all eyes and ears.

We get images of those at concentration camps and a photo of Hitler on a computer screen (I wonder if the little tikes are able to play Oregon Trail on that PC? That was electric heroin to me back in the day.) before flashes of all the pretty accolades this documentary has won. For a documentary it’s not only vital but it is a damn good idea to let people know your reality ride has garnered some positive attention. With the self-congratulation out of the way we get to heart of the plot. It does a perfect job of letting us know that this story is taking place in a town of about 1600 people where the only diversity that these southerners know is that there are different kinds of fat KKK’ers and lazy KKK’ers.

So, the teachers wanted to let kids know that Hitler killed six million people. It wasn’t as many as those who died on the inside after seeing Shaquille O’Neal’s KAZAAM but it was damn close. How should you teach, then, about one of the worst cases of mass homicide to young’uns? Revive a old custom in the 40’s that had people wearing paper clips to represent those that they knew were lost in the holocaust, that’s how. With that idea a germ was born in educators’ minds and 25,000 pieces of mail later followed a phenomenon that struck the small community. People were writing in with stories about their dead relatives from the war, there were narratives from strangers recounting the events of as they experienced them and they all flooded one school as everyone scurried about to collect 6 million paperclips. As luck would have it Tom Hanks sent in some, former president Bush tossed a few their way, and even Bill Cosby helped out by helping out this small school. Cosby probably felt it was a humanitarian atonement after inflicting LEONARD PART 6 unto the world.

Yeah, the ending’s obvious, and the story is ready-made for a People magazine exposé, but this is one of those kinds of films that could serve as an antidote for any one of the crappy children’s films that parents have to endure. I’m not there yet but, like WINGED MIGRATION, it’s hard to get kids interested in something that doesn’t evoke immediate interest and this is something that might hold their fragile attention; it held mine for a good minute and a half.

Director: Breck Eisner
Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Steve Zahn, Penelope Cruz
Release: March 25, 2005
Synopsis: Based on a Clive Cussler bestseller, this modern action-adventure is the story of NUMA agent (National Underwater Marine Agency) and master explorer, Dirk Pitt (McConaughey), who discovers that thousands of North Africans are being driven mad by something polluting the water. If unchecked, the entire world population could be threatened.

Prognosis: Negative. This trailer starts off with action voiceover guy.

Remember, this guy is different from throaty voiceover guy as this one is just paid to make you feel all tingly with anticipation while the other is supposed to make you afraid for your life. Action voiceover guy lets us know that this trailer is starting in the final days of the Civil War. And hey, just in case you’re like me and you failed American history or you’re British and were under the presumption that the Civil War was about as close as us Yanks were to actually screwing things up on our own, the nice chaps decide to flash up a cheesy effect to let us know it’s Virginia, 1865. It seems some confederates, you know, the ones who would’ve made the Ford F-150 and Red Man chewing tobacco standard issue to every 13 year-old boy, stashed some gold on a ship. Of course, it disappears without a trace; that’s what you get, though, for letting Billy Bob show off how he can steer with his crotch and chug a Lowenbrau while diddling his cousin Steve.

Fast forward nearly 140 years and get a real tight close up of Matthew “career implosion” McConaughey in the middle of the desert. It seems the ship made it onto Africa’s desert plane. Hey, don’t laugh at me as voiceover guy says bestselling author Clive Cussler wrote the damn thing. And here’s something else of interest. I try not to be a snob about anything, but Clive Cussler? The man just has a way with hitting a target audience that likes their reading spoon-fed to them via a wet nurse and that makes him bankable? Ugh. Oh well, I must not know a damn thing as the man makes millions while I scribe away in my basement eating ramen and drinking cherry Flavor Aid.

Anyhoo, McConaughey is our dashing hero, Dirk Pitt. Yeah, I’m laughing on the inside as well. So, Dirk Pitt, is our Indiana Jones-lite character who is going to uncover a “deadly secret.” From the looks of it, it appears to be dysentery but we press on looking for a semblance of a plot. Penelope Cruz is our fair maiden who I am sure Dirk Diggle”¦I mean Dirk Pitt is going to try and woo the pants off of and we also have Steve Zahn as our comedic relief who is shown getting an unbelievable shot off with his machine gun, BATMAN style, allowing Dirk’s car to go speeding through a solid wall. We get some explosions which look as dangerous as a case of treatable herpes but we do get McConaughey doing some sand surfing with a biplane on its edge which looks fairly interesting but it only lasts so long before I am yanked back to reality. This looks like ass.

I wasn’t teased with this trailer. I was downright violated.

Director: Mark Neale
Cast: Ewan McGregor, Valentino Rossi, Max Biaggi, Garry McCoy
Release: On DVD now
Synopsis: The MotoGP world championship is the pinnacle of motorcycle sport, a series of sixteen races on five continents contested by twenty-four of the world’s top riders. Filmed around the world during the 2001 and 2002 seasons, FASTER asks this question: How do you go faster than the rest, how do you win at this glamorous, dangerous game? The movie could be subtitled: How do you beat Valentino Rossi? The 24 year old Italian, world champion in 2001 and 2002, currently dominates MotoGP. He is the biggest star the sport has ever seen and the charismatic centre of the film. In addition to Rossi, FASTER focuses on three other MotoGP riders: Rossi’s bitter rival Max Biaggi; the brilliant but injury-prone Garry McCoy; and the rising teenage star John Hopkins. Their stories reveal both the ecstasy and the terror of life in the insanely fast lane, as do the tales told by a supporting cast of former world champions including Mick Doohan, Kevin Schwantz, Wayne Rainey, Kenny Roberts and Barry Sheene.

Prognosis: Positive. I include this one only for its sheer simplicity.

Anyone out there like crotch rockets, rice burners, suicide rides? Ewan McGregor likes “˜em enough to take off on the open road across the European countryside and decided to lend a voice to this documentary on the sport of racing motor bikes.

What’s really apparent here, if you allow yourself to be open to the nuance of the sport, is the really thin line these guys ride on top of. In NASCAR you get hillbillies in cars, in F-1 racing you get dudes exceeding serious amounts of speed in their metal coffins should one of them get lulled to sleep by the din of their engines, in demolition derbies you get an amalgam of backwoods troglodytes and weekend warriors who are really good at making crappy cars go backward and forward while wearing neck braces and, well, go-carters? Well, men who race go-carts need to give it up and move out of their parents’ attic.

In the opening moments of this trailer, as Ewan talks about the serious races that mean most to the guys who are literally holding on to life by their thighs and fingers, you actually can feel the build-up. I appreciate there isn’t a need to immediately go to an MTV-style quick cut of tires and blurred visions of speeding bikes.

“If you want to be the world champion, this is the one you have to win.”

The music is subtly bringing things to a boil as you watch the line of colorful cyclists move in one long thread. It is only then you see these men sliding and diving into turns while bending their bodies around tight curves. It’s about this time when you see someone start wavering.

You see the unlikely winner for one race flip over his bike. The rotation of the man’s body makes you wince slightly but it’s exhilarating. I am usually all up in arms about the use of slo-mo but it’s poetic here with the rock n’ roll beat that is absolutely bumpin’ throughout the whole thing. And there’s even another shot of someone completely losing it before the trailer is done and everything goes silent.

And that’s probably the weirdest thing about this short trailer. If you watch it the music is abruptly cut off and the title is scrolled across the screen before really shutting down. I didn’t appreciate getting all hot and bothered before being yanked back into reality so quickly. I was like a man with no more quarters in the nudie booth.

I wasn’t normally someone to pay any attention at all to this kind of film but this looks like a well made documentary where the limbs and skulls of our fellow man are sure to be shown getting a bad case of road rash.

Director: He Ping
Cast: Jiang Wen, Kiichi Nakai, Wang Xueqi, Zhao Wei, Hasi Bagen, He Tao, Harrison Liu, Wang Deshun, Yang Haiquan, Yeerjiang Mahepushen, Zhou Yun
Release: August 27, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: In the tradition of Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai, WARRIORS OF HEAVEN AND EARTH weaves a thread of battle, comradeship and honor. Set in the ferocious Gobi Desert, the story follows two protagonists, Lieutenant Li (Jiang Wen) and Japanese emissary Lai Xi (Nakai Kiichi) – both first-class warriors and master swordsmen. After decades of service to the Chinese Emperor, Lai Xi longs to return to Japan, but is instead sent to the West to chase wanted criminals. His only passport back to Japan is to capture and execute Lieutenant Li, a renegade soldier wanted for leading a violent mutiny when he refused orders to kill female and child prisoners.

Prognosis: Positive. God love throaty voiceover guy. He sounds so commanding and intimidating that I am almost ready to see WARRIORS OF HEAVEN ON EARTH just because it seems like he’d beat me up if I didn’t.

It really is of little relevance of what the guy said simply based on the content of these characters and the color employed in the sets. The opening is stylistically muted with a group of men in light taupe robes, looking like the color blind sect of the Tibetan monks, wistfully going about their business. I know what you’re thinking, I do. I take one look at that blue Sony Pictures Classics and feel a narcoleptic attack come on like a sock full of sleeping powder hitting you in the back of the head. BUT, when I hear that soothing and dangerous sound of a sword being unsheathed I awaken for but a moment to see if it will be worth my while to continue. It is.

“Two warriors with a past.”

Really, the first interesting things that we see are two dudes ready to go old school sword fighting with one another. As my good guy/bad guy instructional manual goes I will take the guess that the dude with the black Elvis pompadour, black armor (or armour for our proper Englishmen across the pond), black fu-man-chu moustache with a black flavor (flavour, natch) saver is the evil one and the guy with ears that could simply flutter and allow the him to fly away is going to be our protagonist. Quicker than Richard “Suicide” Dawson can say “˜survey says’ I am fairly right on the money with that one to some extent.

It seems the two of them have been asked to escort a “mysterious caravan” that holds the future of an empire. As soon as the voiceover guy lets us know this, the camera lingers on some good looking Chinese woman who I am thinking may very well hold the key as to why this film is rated R; at least that’s what I am hoping and praying it is. Quickly, the scene moves on and we get some other Chinese guy who wears these dreads that look borrowed right out of an Alicia Keyes video. However, homeboy looks quick with the weaponry, and it is really dreadlock man who is our bad guy du jour.

The set pieces look absolutely amazing. THE LAST SAMURAI’s armor looked polished and ready to be hung in a museum but here, in this trailer, it looks like its ready for some action. Sure enough we get handheld crossbows, full fledged archers and lots of dudes on horses wielding sharp blades. It’s about this time when voiceover guy says that these men will be fighting for heaven and earth, but, whatever, I am in the mood for some violence and it pays off well. We get a great line up of men on their trusty steeds on either side of a line waiting for the go ahead to charge at one another. The signal is given and there are all sorts of screaming, the drumming in the background is a wonderful accompaniment, and we stop just as soon as the first sword goes “clang.”

We get villages set on fire, there’s the one guy versus five stand-off, we get bald guys with big beads praying, we get some ladies belly dancing while another one takes a hot bath, and, the best part, rocket”¦propelled”¦spears. This one looks like a keeper and I only pray Asia can keep cranking out these kinds of films to the US.

Director: Mark Moormann
Cast: Ginger Baker, Ray Charles, Eric Clapton, Ornette Coleman, John Coltrane, Aretha Franklin, Thelonious Monk, Tito Puente, Otis Redding
Release: August 13th, 2004; On DVD, August 24th.
Synopsis: If you picked some of the all-time great albums in American rock, soul, and jazz, chances are one name might be found on the back of almost every one: Tom Dowd–the secret behind five decades of brilliant music, an unsung hero, producer and recording pioneer. From the perfection of live mixing to the introduction of eight-track recording, the mythology of exactly how much impact Dowd has had is still up for grabs. His diverse and genuine love of work is remembered in part through intimate interviews with several musical icons and personal friends..

Prognosis: Positive. Have hook, will travel.

“You always gotta remember the name of the game is: What does it sound like?” How true it is. Ray Charles posthumously opens up this trailer with telling us what makes a great song. In a time when substance passes for what amounts to, really, a turd in a punchbowl while every PR lackey will tell you again and again that it’s really what you’re thirsting for, regardless of its hideousness, it’s warming to see a movie about a man who has helped create the foundation on which many careers have been built.

Yes, we do get the obligatory Sundance Official Selection card flashed at us in all its ripe leafiness, but it’s ok here and they get a pass because not only is this a documentary on music that has stood the test of radio time but because they follow a good introduction by Ray Charles with Eric Clapton. Now, what makes things interesting here is that Eric tells us he wasn’t interested in working with people “like that” and he doesn’t tell us what kind of people he’s referencing. It’s confusing but I assume it’s because they’re just building this guy up.

“A brilliant documentary”- Rolling Stone

Then, after Eric, we get Gregg Allman making some of the same insinuations about the as-yet nameless dude in question. Obviously, they’re both talking about master music producer Tom Dowd but for the average layperson who doesn’t know anything about anyone they might start to get lost or, worse yet, annoyed that they don’t know who this guy is. Ah, but we are not forsaken as, almost as if channeling the spirit of Miss Cleo, we get Tom Dowd’s name tossed out there as the man who everyone in this trailer is talking endlessly about in such cryptic fashion.

So, to head off the next question of what makes this mo-fo so special we hear from the man himself. To hear him tell it he can lay claim to being front, center and accounted for when soul songstress Aretha Franklin, the great Charlie Parker, the cheeky Dizzy Gillespie, Bobby Darrin, Rod Stewart, The Coasters, Lynard Skynard, and even the Allman Brothers all laid down some of their best tracks. “Music has been very kind to me,” Dowd says, as he walks down a hallway full of gold records.

“One of the very best music documentaries in recent years” ““ Film Threat.

Eric Clapton gives the man a high compliment about what Dowd is able to get out a performer when he’s recording and it let’s you know what kind of a force this guy is. Even though this is where the trailer ends it is an unbelievably abrupt stop; there is still not a lot we know about the guy, however, yet we’re asked to go spend the money and see the film. What helps make the decision easier, I believe, is this: the quotes. There are enough high praises that even if you aren’t impressed that the film is being distributed by Palm Pictures, a wonderful company putting out solid and well-executed pictures for the dozen or so people who really dig this sort of thing, you can be assured in the knowledge that someone else has taken the hard part out of guessing whether this is worth seeing and lets you know whether you should spend your money learning about a man most people will never know was behind their favorite oldies.

Director:Brad Anderson
Cast: Christian Bale, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Aitana Sánchez-gijón, John Sharian, Michael Ironside, Larry Gilliard, Reg E. Cathey, Anna Massey
Release:October 22, 2004
Synopsis: Trevor Reznik, a machinist, has lost the ability to sleep. But this is no ordinary insomnia. Trevor has not slept in a year. Fatigue has led to a shocking deterioration of his physical and mental health. Suspicious of his appearance, Trevor’s co-workers first shy away from him, then turn against him after he’s involved in a shop accident that costs a man his arm. They blame Trevor for the accident. He has become a liability to himself and others, and now they want him out.

View Trailer:
* Small (Quick Time)

Prognosis: Positive. Just based on Bale’s committal of the role I am attracted to this film like a fly to a bug zapper.

An industrial looking clock sits on a perch. It’s 7:30. The clock is dirty, grimy, and the time it’s telling is probably sullied with the dank air its hands move around in; the tick-tock doesn’t make a sound, but a series of what seem like air raid sirens go off in the dead of night. Well oiled sprockets jump up and down. Sparks from a cutter methodically do their work without missing a moment of their own time. There’s a hand that appears. It belongs to one of many who choose to work on an assembly line: Christian Bale. He does his work at his workstation, working tirelessly, as the trailer flashes briefly to a moment Bale has to himself, shirtless, on his couch. He looks lost behind the eyes. Christian secures small squares of paper on the wall. He pauses while doing his job to look over at a coworker and who gives him the international signal of “you’re gonna die.”

There’s a break in the action to show Jennifer Jason Leigh commenting on Bale’s gaunt appearance. Someone else makes a statement about his weight loss. He gives up some information that he has possibly not slept in about a year.

“How do you wake up”¦”

One of the pieces of paper is marked with a number 1. It is attached to the refrigerator. “from a nightmare if you’re not asleep?”

Christian looks at himself in a gloomy mirror. He’s spooked by something and runs through a subway station. The number 1 turns out not to be a number at all but the start of a hangman game. Bale spells out Miller. What’s odd is that Bale then confronts a man, possibly or not possibly named Miller, as he yells at him to stop messing with his head, as the possible Miller punches Bale in the stomach. What? Bale is losing it as he goes through different combinations of names he can spell that end in E R. He even goes loopy at the workplace, the very best place to lose it, and starts screaming and shoving people around him.

By the end of this trailer we get the gist that Michael Ironside hasn’t been truly memorable as the throaty bad guy since TOTAL RECALL and that this film, which seems to crib a little from Fincher (but that’s ok), looks about as happy as a Reverend Jim Jones & The People’s Temple Kool-Aid drink-a-thon. There is even some coarse language in this trailer which gets some of my attention but with the way cable television is going these days in shows like Rescue Me dropping an s-bomb here or there isn’t such a big deal.

The movie has a brooding sensibility to it, the likes of which hasn’t been seen for a while in the cineplexes lately. Bale looks riveting and the trailer doesn’t give away one ounce of the plot’s ending. Although, to be fair, the very end, where Bale spells out something else ending in E R, even Ray Orbison could’ve seen that one coming.

Director:John Duigan
Cast:Charlize Theron, Penelope Cruz, Stuart Townsend, Thomas Kretschmann
Release:September 17, 2004 (limited)
Synopsis: When 18-year-old Guy Malyon takes up a scholarship at Cambridge University his world is forever changed following a passionate affair with a stunning, aristocratic but hedonistic fellow student, Gilda Besse, which takes him across Europe from the killing fields of Spain’s Civil War to occupied France… before a dangerous secret threatens to tear them apart.

Prognosis: Negative. Many things can be said about period pieces but they really don’t get my notice unless there’s a really good reason. Lesbians are a very good start.

Stewart Townsend’s pasty face, which I really cannot see in any other role than his vampy vampire bit that he employed in that awful Anne Rice adaptation, QUEEN OF THE DAMNED, is back for a go-around with Charlize Theron. Last seen under a bit of make-up, prosthetic camouflaging, and a box of Krispy Kremes she is back to her blonde bombshell roots.

The trailer begins with Stewart saying that Charlize had no idea how much he adored her at Cambridge. She asks if he was married yet. The images that dance around as they have their little play talk are wonderful to look at and admire. The era that this movie is taking place around is World War two and, judging by the explosions that are rocking the screen, I am betting dollars to doughnuts we’re in Europe. It’s then the announcer guy tells us something about passion and unleashing or something to that effect but I am just too damned interested in Charlize in bathtub to even care what’s being said. Ooo”¦there’s even a little sensual whimpering as she’s in the terrible throes of passion.

We get some crap about Stewart moving around somewhere but, again, my attention is taken away, this time, by a heavily made-up Penelope Cruz who starts to go at it with Charlize. Stewart is somehow allowed in bed with the two of them but it’s of little importance as the duo heretofore known as Charlize/Cruz start sensually finding their own passion as they dance slowly, erotically, with one another in a club.

Then some Nazis come into the picture. Right on, I say. First you get woman on woman love, then you get some stuff exploding, and then you get some Nazis. It seems that Stewart feels the need to go fight against those evil swastika loving bastards but there is a choice to be made. He has to choose between desire and duty. He can either leave the picture to go off alone and die on the battlefield or he can stay behind and try to horn in on Penelope’s action. I say pick duty and let Charlize/Cruz explore their desires without him around. I’m wrong, of course, as Stewart keeps his heart open for Charlize as Cruz, who ends up being a nurse in the war and finds Stewart, tells him that Charlize couldn’t love her the way she loves him. And then, as if this is one big joke, they show Charlize essentially giving up everything the ancient women from the Isle of Lesbos (it’s for real, I swear) fought so hard for: the right for every woman to be with a woman and live in harmony with those women and get freaky with other women should the need arise. She gives it up and it seems like that’s the end of the frigging movie. There is no suspense, no drama. No need to go to the theater to watch it unfold. It’s all right here in the trailer. This could have been a much more different film but instead they take the safe, hetro route. For shame.

This trailer ranks right up there with WIMBELDON as one of the most wantonly revealing trailers of the year. I get the beginning, the middle and end all in under two minutes. Regardless of the argument that those who find the story intriguing will still want to go I am wondering about that pesky small contingent of people who still want to see a film and be surprised by how it ends. I guess I’m in a minority.

Director: Gabriele Muccino
Cast: Fabrizio Bentivoglio, Laura Morante, Nicoletta Romanoff, Monica Bellucci, Silvio Muccino, Gabriele Lavia
Release: Fall, 2004 (limited)
Synopsis: REMEMBER ME, MY LOVE, Muccino’s bittersweet drama delves into the lives and loves of a modern Italian family whose individual aspirations pull at the seams of their increasingly fragile unit. As their children come of age and begin to follow their own dreams, Carlo (Fabrizio Bentivoglio) finds himself torn between a passionate affair with Alessia (Monica Bellucci) and his wife Guilia (Laura Morante), while Guilia must face her own buried desires. REMEMBER ME, MY LOVE premiered at the 2003 Toronto Film Festival and screened at the 2004 Sundance Film Festival. It was nominated for 10 Donatello Awards (Italy’s Oscar) and was one of Italy’s most successful films in 2003. It stars Monica Bellucci, currently seen the world over in THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST.

Prognosis: Positive. Monica Bellucci.

I wasn’t really exposed, you could say, to her body of work until IRREVERSIBLE dropped into movie theaters last year. Even though a rape scene is no way to really be introduced to a person’s oeuvre, the movie on the whole gave me an appreciation for an actress who simply glows on camera. Here, she looks just as enrapturing.

As this trailer opens up we get the sound of alarm clocks. The noise, for me anyway, grips the bottom of my nerve center in my brain in a way that some people get when they hear the high pitched whine of a dentist’s drill. The clocks in question here wake up your average, well-to-do, Italian family. The dad, who looks like a younger, better looking Mikhail Baryshnikov, seems to be the Bill Cosby kind of dad. His kids dig him, his daughter is way way fine, the family looks like they could be models straight from a J. Crew catalog shoot, the golden retriever doesn’t show any sign of being whipped with a broken piece of garden hose for skootching his ass along the carpet, his wife still probably gives him some and life is, essentially, dulce. And it’s all bread and roses until, “the return of a past love.”

Monica is the past love and what a past it must have been. Short of being certifiably insane, having real problems with grown men digging comic books and kung-fu cinema or end up really being a dude under that dress, there would never be an excuse to leave that kind of lady. That’s probably why, though, the dad decides to throw his life in the crapper to hook back up with her.

What I like so far about this trailer, apart from Bellucci, is that not only does this seem like a story about infidelity but that it’s a story shot on DV while following the lives of the kids and the wife. The husband’s life is not the sole focus here as we also get to see how his actions affect all those around him.

It’s nice, especially for a foreign language film, that we get a small sentence on each one of the main player’s motivations in this film. The dad is a writer looking for inspiration (if inspiration comes in the form of Monica I am all for that), the wife is an aspiring actress, his daughter is a dancer (who looks like she’s constantly trying out for some kind of nude revue), and his son seems like a kid who is just trying to get some attention. But, as the twists continue, the dad ends up in the hospital. How does this affect the plot? I have no idea but this trailer, if you’re open to it, really does make you want to see how it ends.

Director: Forest Whitaker
Cast: Katie Holmes, Marc Blucas, Michael Keaton, Amerie Rogers, Margaret Colin, Lela Rochon Fuque
Release: November 19, 2004
Synopsis: Samantha Mackenzie (Holmes) wants what every college freshman desires: to experience life away from home and parents. But it’s not going to be easy, because home for Sam is The White House and her dad (Keaton), is the President of the United States. Despite her fishbowl existence, Sam meets and falls for James (Blucas), the Resident Advisor in her dorm. As romance blossoms, Sam discovers her new beau is a secret service agent assigned to protect her.

Prognosis: Numb. This is exactly the kind of movie Cindy would’ve talked my ear off endlessly about wanting to go see.

Now, it’s not so hard to peg what makes this movie an easy lure for women in their mid-twenties. You have a preposterous plot: you have a dad who is the president of the United States and his daughter wants to go to college. However, surrounded by so many accoutrements of being a president’s daughter, shucks, it’s just hard for her to fit in. You have a director who has done superb work in front of the camera but has only managed to create rental worthy chick flicks behind it and a couple of writers who can only count having BRING IT ON and being the fat kid from STAND BY ME as their crowning achievements. I did like BRING IT ON, though, but I’m not giving anything to Jerry O’Connell as he was to blame for KANGAROO JACK. This is not the kind of triple threat that many could make this out to be. Still, what’s here in the trailer is more than enough to make any woman deaf to my protests.

This trailer begins with everyone wanting a picture of Samantha, the commander-in-chief’s daughter, on her first few days of college. We are told she’s America’s princess but, gasp, her dad is the one running the country. Even just trying to think about how any girl of the president can be mistaken for a princess is beyond my perceivable ken, but I do know that if Jenna and Barbara Bush (the younger one, natch) wanted to star in their own presidential Girls Gone Wild I would not only be first in line to get the DVD but I would gladly kneel before General Zod and declare the Bush twins as true American princesses. (In reality, and gauging their behavior in recent years, I know I am merely one election away from this actually happening.)

Now, about the trailer. It seems that Ms. Holmes wants to be a normal gal. Reality is so far removed from this girl’s life that it appears she doesn’t know how to function like any other woman at a drunken fraternity bender. She actually whines in one moment that she doesn’t want to get her outfit dirty when drunken revelers are sliding down a wet, muddy hill. Just look at the chick. She’s a walking simulacrum, bordering on clichéd, of someone who sees normal life as alien and strange. Our girl Friday, though, decides to throw major caution into the wind as she goes careening face first down that muddy hill and finds a lovely little frat boy who, unlike his inebriated revelers, seems to take care of his appearance. What happens after this, though, is a chick flick Tet Offensive that throws up every sappy, frilly, and downright lame bits the filmmakers could have left on the cutting room floor. Katie gets our dude to take his shirt off, Katie remarks how easy it would be to find some real inside information on our man, we even get one of those white flashes of teeth that only beaus playing boyfriends in movies can give after a dumb joke is made and we even get the vibe that , awww, they might be falling in love. It’s enough to make me seethe with jealously.

What really pisses me off, though, is that she says, again, how she just wants to be like everyone else. Ok. All right. I got it. Your master plan has worked, Mussolini. I somehow realized this was a movie about wanting to fit in the first time it was mentioned, but if I wanted to be nagged this much about getting the main point of the movie I could’ve had Cindy review this and tell me what she thought the point of the trailer was.

Then, to exacerbate the situation, the chick does it again! She asks her frat boy lover how he would feel if she was just a normal person. Ahh, here’s my take, honey: as long as you are still that hot when you become “normal” and are still willing to “explore romantic possibilities” after a few rounds of Jager and Rumplemintz shots, I’m sure the dude won’t mind what happens when you decide you’re normal.

Ok, at the end of this trailer, the bitch does it one more time. She is like a one track record. What a downer this freak is. If I was the lothario who was looking to tap that Holmes action I would’ve moved onto the women’s wrestling team before having to listen to that droning on and on about fitting in, being normal, being left alone to be her own person, and on and on and on.

“It’s like you’re experiencing everything for the first time.”

The above quote comes from the jock, not Holmes. I am downright ashamed for our college men if buying into crazy women’s issues with their own self-image is the only way to score some of that fine early adult action. He does, though, get pretty deep with that Gene Simmons tongue action he busts out on our fragile heroine. High fives all around for that, though.

Man, does this movie look like emasculating garbage. I would, honestly, pick every other movie that was playing, had I seen it twice or not, before I would ever give this one a chance. Thing is, since I’m married, I don’t get a choice anymore when it’s not my week to pick. Lord only knows how hard I am going to be watching out for any sort of commercial pimping this movie as I will be blazing a fast-forwarded TiVo path right past it. May God have mercy on all male souls out there who are harangued into seeing this.

If I would have made the above comments out loud to Cindy, as I did when asked about THE WEDDING PLANNER, HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS, SWEET HOME ALABAMA, and most every Julia Roberts movie that’s come out in the last two years, she would’ve clapped her hands quickly. She’d bounce her head back and forth, laughing while she did so, as she knew that it was the perfect movie for her simply based on my protests. No matter how hard I tried to tell her all the good reasons why she should avoid insulting cinema like this it would only embolden her will even further. There are too many “you were right” conversations had on Monday mornings as she inhabited my cube but I never once mentioned I told her so.

It’s genuinely sad to know that in a few weeks she won’t be there to ask me what I thought of this movie. I would have told her to read the column but she would most likely just roll her eyes, would feign asking for the website address, somehow start whimpering, and would just end up make me retell her from memory. I did it most every week and now, without her here, there’s no one left to fill that space.

I hope wherever she is that she’s enjoying all the movies I’ve told her not to go see.