Director: Christophe Barratier
Cast: Gerard Jugnot, Francois Berleand, Jean-Baptiste Maunier, Jacques Perrin, Kad Merad
Release: January 14, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: The new teacher at a severely administered boys’ boarding school works to positively effect the students’ lives through music.

Prognosis: Positive. Yeah, this one’s a reader, an import, a foreign language flick, but I absolutely enjoyed this trailer enough to give it a mention.

What’s nice about this trailer is that it starts off very subtly. A metronome tick-tocks in front of a classroom where a small boy watches it go back and forth. A dozen or so small feet shuffle in quick succession as if they’re running to or from somewhere. As is usually the case with foreign language films we get sweeping views of the landscape to show us that we’re in a different time, a different country but everything is tight.

“They were the orphans of World War II that were forgotten.”

The choral singing of one boy fills the background with sound. It’s nice, soothing even. Young boys mill about, I take it to be, a small rural orphanage.

“He was a composer who had given up on music.”

We see what looks like Mr. Stick Up His Ass come to the gates of this boys town as the singing subsides and gives way to a jaunty piano that opens us up to what looks like a KINDERGARTEN COP classroom but with all dudes. The man looks unimpressed and even more so when they pull a Mr. Shoop (Yeah, I’m a Mark Harmon fan, a SUMMER SCHOOL aficionado, so what?) as play keep away with the guy’s belongings.

So far I am really into what this trailer is selling because the set-up was done simplistically and there hasn’t been a moment of stuffiness. That’s a really good thing what with my short attention span these days.

And then it happens. The trailer gains foreword momentum.

The sad and lonely guy eventually does find inspiration with these lads, somehow, and I like that I’m not shown how this happens after these hellions do all they can to make this guy’s life miserable, Something is triggered as our teacher finds a way into these kids’ insides. The choral music begins anew and it’s superb.

This all leads to the mini-scenes of boys being boys, seeing what they did to amuse themselves in their downtime, and there are even a couple of camera shots that just linger long enough to be quite provocative. One is of some man dressed very nicely in a vest and tie but stands on his desk, flying a paper airplane around himself. It’s absurd but it makes me wonder. The same can be said of a shot that has a very small boy, no older than maybe 4 or 5, standing all alone as it appears someone is driving away from him. I’m not sure whether I should feel sad for the lad or wonder why he just stands still as the camera pulls away.

It may be a lot of things but the premise is interesting, the music is splendid, the camerawork is more than adequate and I loved the last thing that this director has done which was WINGED MIGRATION.

Director: Terrence Malick
Cast: Jason Aaron Baca, Christian Bale, Greg Cooper, Colin Farrell, John Ghaly, Wes Studi
Release: November, 2005
Synopsis: A Terrence Malick-scripted drama about explorer John Smith and the clash between Native Americans and the British in the 17th century.

Prognosis: Surprisingly Positive This is one movie that will most defiantly be discussed in certain media circles come next Thanksgiving.

What I like about the film, immediately, is the trailer page where I watched this thing. The photo art that accompanies the small screen for viewing the trailer has a picture of an Indian. You can only see the back of his head, it’s slightly shadowed, with trees all around him. His Mohawk is in full-effect, the feathers are a great touch, very punk circa 1982, and I am struck at how poignant the image is when you see the approaching ships in the background of said picture. It’s eerie, for most who know American history, knowing what will be coming then and in the next couple hundred years. If you live anywhere else in the world and aren’t up on world history, specifically this nation’s love of Thanksgiving, we here in the States celebrate our arrival in the New World, forgetting all that liberal jazz about the smallpox, the mass slaughter of innocents, how we drove a native population nearly into extinction, and everything else we’re literally paying for today, by killing various forms of fauna and having kids make these gnarly hand turkeys that stay on the fridge well after the holiday is finished. But I am getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? What I am trying to illustrate is that I think this film may be a good step in showing how pleasant we were to the natives and the kind of chaos many thousands of white folk brought to this New World and the trailer does an admirable job in fanning the flames of what will, no doubt, be brought up in about 10 months.

The trailer sets things in motion nicely.

The sound of native music echoes among the people on the screen as they are communally joined in a ritual. It’s barely dawn and they stand in a large bank of water. They’re hunting fish.

We’re given, casually, the fact that Terrence Malick, from THE THIN RED LINE, directed this film. The transition is very smooth and it’s not obtrusive.

Virginia, 1607.

A three boat armada enters the frame as a single bang of a large drum symbolizes the weight of what’s about to come next. Another bang of the drum shows the natives getting restless as they spot a small patrol boat led by Colin Farrell. Hell, I would be restless too if I had no idea what a mullet was but yet had no way to describe the evil I felt on the inside by looking at that insidious hairstyle coming ever closer into my life.

The men come off the ship and there is a nice close-up of a single leather boot squishing into the muddy bank as its wearer plods onto land.

The Indians seem to welcome these strange men as the whiteys seem perplexed as to what to do. Even the head of P.A.G.A.N. from DRAGNET, Reverend Jonathan Whirley aka Christopher Plummer (I’m also a big fan of that midnight movie), seems wierded out by the welcome.

We see a nice depiction of the tribal people more than the Europeans (God only knows what nationality Colin will be playing this time) and we then get right up to the lip of where things start to boil over but we don’t get there. There also doesn’t seem to be conflict between the Indians and Europeans but we get a peek into a certain assimilation that takes place with Colin. In a way that makes me think this is a little bit like THE LAST SAMURAI (a movie that should’ve been better but decided to piss any cred it had away with Tom Cruise walking away from a machine gun assault. Bollocks.) but without too much depending on a love story. Not that there isn’t one, though. There is a very nice ending shot of an Indian woman, in full-on Pocahontas garb, walking slowly into a grassy thicket. She’s all alone and maybe she ahs something to do with Colin but since I can’t say for sure I can only guess. But what I will say is that, again, this is a good case why voiceovers don’t necessarily have to be the knee-jerk go-to solution in telling a story. If you use good imagery, like this one does, and you really try to organically get your point across the audience is a lot smarter than some will have you think.

Yeah, I also know it’s Colin Farrell and it’s so hard to trust him to take the lead in anything but I just have to think that TIGERLAND wasn’t just luck. I’m pullin’ for the lad, I am.

Director: Uwe Boll
Cast: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Will Sanderson
Release: January 28, 2005
Synopsis: Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious events with deadly results.

Prognosis: Negative. Christian Slater. Christian Slater. I still maintain that HEATHERS, TRUE ROMANCE and PUMP UP THE VOLUME were his true pinnacles of celluloid history. INTERVIEW OF A VAMPIRE? That was supposed to be River Phoenix and doesn’t count. KUFFS I am extremely happy to own on DVD but would never admit to that in public conversation. So, it is with great dread that once again Slater is pumping out another weak-assed attempt to try and finagle some better roles; this, I am afraid, will only get him a supporting spot in DUNSTON CHECKS IN 2: DUNSTIN GOES APESHIT.

The poster, though, for the film is an HR Giger nightmare and I like that. It’s creepy, it’s dark and it’s says to me that this movie is looking to be something more than just a weak scare flick. Uwe Boll, the mastermind behind the lens, just looks like he was on autopilot making this. Sure, HOUSE OF THE DEAD was applauded by some, certainly not by me by any means, but, come on, let’s take a look at this trailer.

We get an overhead shot of a city during the day. Whether it’s supposed to be New York, Chicago, L.A., Peru, I haven’t a clue and none is even offered as we switch to a Christian Slater voiceover and he is in full-on Nicholson as he starts to talk about investigating whatever the hell seems to be happening again. Somehow, using backgrounds as the clues, it has something to do with mosquitoes and human lungs. I’m not sure but this could be the first movie based on West Nile Virus.

Slater talks with someone, wearing the same trench coat and black t-shirt as he seems to be donning in every shot, a requisite for any bad movie mo-fo with an attitude but a good moral compass, and their talk is fixated on an ancient tablet of some sort. Tara Reid, hot off her role in MY BOSS’S DAUGHTER, is the one woman who will be accompanying Slater on some trek into the depths of someplace dark where you just know she’s not gonna get killed because she’s supposed to be the hot chick and hot chicks never get knocked-off although I don’t think Tara really qualifies anymore…

What is so alarming to me is that we are well into the trailer and we don’t have any sense of trepidation or buy-in as to why I should give a care about any of the things happening on the screen. So far it’s like being jerked around from scene to scene with no real context and I am actually thankful for Voiceover Guy when he finally chimes in.

“Some gateways should never be opened…”

Thanks. Now we’re getting somewhere. Slater and a bunch of people, who will no doubt be dead by the third act less Reid and maybe Dorff, depending on how good his agent is, find their way into some ancient something or another. There are skulls on one wall so that should be plenty creepy, right? Then, some security guard starts to investigate what appears to be a big black room. As soon as the poor sap starts to say “Hello?” you know how this encounter is going to end. I just hope to get a glimpse of the thing that’s gonna kill him. I’m robbed of that but somehow I there are display cases everywhere and now I get the clue that this might be happening in a museum. Huh? Yeah, no context equals confused. Confused leads to anger and anger leads to wondering why this film looks like it was shot on one soundstage and appears to meld elements of STARSHIP TROOPERS and every lame one-guy-against-it-all cliché you can hurl at it.

Ahh, but I am not without some compliments regarding this film. At about one minute six seconds I get exactly what I need: gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, and a better look at our titular villain. Yeah, it’s like a midget horde of Godzillas but it’s loud, it’s visually engaging and I actually feel some sort of pull towards to the theater to see it.

However, after the hard rock soundtrack ends and the night watchman gets it by what looks like a Shiwalla car scrubber with fangs, I am no more inclined to see this movie than I am anything else Slater has done in the last five years.

Director: Peter Segal
Cast: Martin Lawrence, Horatio Sanz, Steven Anthony Lawrence, Steven C. Parker, Patrick Warburton
Release:April 15, 2005
Synopsis: An acclaimed college hoops coach is demoted to a junior varsity team after a public meltdown.

Prognosis: Negative. “A comedy where old school meets middle school”?

A tagline like this really does tell you exactly what kind of film you’re in for. I was about to get all mental on this trailer, an obvious target for some sharp commentary about where Martin Lawrence’s career is going, but I won’t. This film isn’t for you or I and but it is trying to cater, I think, to a more youthful audience. I guess Lawrence is thinking is if Eddie Murphy is getting paid big money to not be that funny and cater to kids, why can’t I? And who could blame him, anyway? I sure as hell would like some of that sell-out action. This trailer, though, to its credit, gives us everything we need to know about the story from start, middle to finish.

First, we see that he is a very successful college coach. He appears to be the coach of a team that has done very well for his reputation as a great leader of men, but, like all movies that are about big tumbles from the top, he’s knocked off his pedestal. It seems he was excessively cruel to a school’s live hawk mascot when he accidentally kills it by punting a basketball into its head. He’s immediately banned from coaching college basketball and we even see more of his Bobby Knight-like qualities when he tries to refute the punishment.

So far the story is well-put, the camera angles are about as vanilla as you’re gonna get, there is nothing at all special about the acting and we pretty much know this is going to be all about Martin.

He somehow makes his way back to the middle school where he used to go, I am sure there will be a huge plotline surrounding why this indignant little man would stoop so low, and asks to coach their basketball team. Would you be terribly surprised to know that each one of these kids homogenously suck at playing basketball? Yeah, me neither. Each one of these kids, though, especially the girl, have a wacky characteristic that sets them apart from any other normal kid in the world and I guess that will appeal to the eight to twelve year-olds out there who may want to waste their time to see this.

I do have to say it is kinda funny that when the kids don’t listen to Lawrence’s advice to keep their hands up while guarding their man he, in turn, puts Icy Hot under their armpits. I found that little act of child abuse hilarious. I’m actually going to commit that bit to my future Rolodex of Things To Do To My Own Kid Someday. I actually laughed.

But for every step, though, we take forward we go twenty backward. What happens near the end of this trailer is we see these kids do what every other kid’s movie show underdogs do: win. They now have great looking uniforms, Lawrence fires them up by letting them know they’re winners (Awww), there seems to be a great celebration at the end, and there’s even a moment when the guy who fired Martin at the beginning of the trailer tells him the following, “Are you out of your mind?” The guy is holding a contract in his hand and Martin goes on to explain that he found a group of kids who blah blah blah. Essentially you now know that he’ll be offered his old job back and he’ll refuse it. Um, who the hell cut this trailer? Isn’t the whole point of one of these things is to stoke interest and to possibly, at times, tease? To even give away the secondary ending seems absolutely beyond anything I can comprehend but I guess that’s what’s needed to bring in the young’uns.

For the rest of the audience, though, that this movie does not appeal to I am sure we all give you thanks for ruining an already wafer-thin movie and for saving me the money of having to find out myself how this thing ends.

Director: Moon-saeng Kim, Park Sunmin
Cast: Joon-ho Chung, David Naughton, Hye-jin Yu, Ji-tae Yu.
Release: February 18, 2005
Synopsis: Civilization has been destroyed by war and pollution, but the survivors have built the last city of Ecoban. As most natural resources have been exhausted, Ecoban is powered by pollution. The citizens of Ecoban need to continue creating this pollution leading them into conflict with the inhabitants of Marr, while one man just wants to clear away the clouds and show the sky to his beloved.

Prognosis: Visually Positive. As a big fan for all things TRON, I submit to you SKY BLUE.

At first I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting. I mean nearly the first thirty seconds of this trailer is spent showing us who made the damn thing. Yeah, it’s cool to have a really great lead-in to show what company put the time into making the film but when it represents a good percentage of your running time you may want to think about scaling things back a bit.

After the intros are finally out of the way we’re shown a really nice close-up of rain falling to the ground; rain just coming down on concrete. It’s simple, it’s artistic in a way and I like the way it sort of eases us into revealing what film festivals really took a shine to this movie: Tokyo Film Festival, Sundance, Venice, London.

“How long has it been raining? Forever.”

A nice female voice is the first sound I hear as the screen goes black and that’s when it happens. A bike, right out TRON but without the neon shite on the sides, goes blazing, hauling major ass, into the side of a mountain that has a tunnel etched into it.

Were told it’s 2142 and, as all movies that go this far in the future show us, people seem to be living underground in vast networks of post-apocalyptic urban jungles, there is a very musty and dreary feel to everything but it all seems very real to me. I am amazed when I see that this is an animated movie.

The story is daring with its cocksure overlords, their grand designs to be rulers among men, and the lone rogue out to stop it all. I’m not faulting the film, though, as I would if the animation used traditional methodologies to tell this tale but every story like this one needs to have a twist to set it apart and the visuals that are supporting the action pop out at me with a colorful panache.

Yeah, there are grandiose moments of bombast of our hero trying to rally his troops in killing whoever is in charge of their misfortune but the sequences used how the action will go down beats to hell anything I’ve seen for a while in the realm of Asian animation. I can’t tell for sure if it’s a blend of live action with animation or if it’s CGI mixed with animation but it’s riveting.

I do have to give even more props to how this thing goes out. I have a thing about liking it when trailer really blows out the wad at the end to really sell a film with bits and pieces that may not even be related to anything. The explosions, the energy, the gunfire, the movements of the characters, they all get me excited to find out where this film will be coming to my part of the world. It’s animation with serious style.

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