Director: Don Mancini
Cast: Jennifer Tilly, Brad Dourif, Billy Boyd, John Waters, Redman, Hannah Spearritt
Release: November 12, 2004
Synopsis: Following the events of ‘Bride of Chucky,’ killer dolls Chucky and Tiffany are now faced with the challenge that all parents face: raising their precious child, Glen (Billy Boyd), to become a family of killer dolls.

Prognosis: Positive, I think. This looks exactly like it should.

There is the first person view from way down low. The room is ominously dark where once a birthday party occurred, evidenced by a quarter slice of cake missing from the whole (not much a party by my standards, but I can understand if all the kids were on an Atkins plan), and a cheesy ‘80s synth soundtrack fills the air.

The first kill Chucky makes is enough to get cheers from me as the true horror genre has been absent for far too long in modern cinema. And though I fear this won’t be played straight for gore and chills, supplanted by a comedic tone and tongue-in-cheek cheekiness, there is still more going for it than it really should. I want to dislike this film, but I can’t stop getting anxious at the thought for getting another go with that crazy ass toy.

One of the things that happen in this trailer is that it recounts the events of its predecessor, a lazy method of exposition, but it quickly gets to the point: Chucky and his new bride want to make a human child. And the person who is the dame du jour is Jennifer Tilly. It’s creepy, and see if you agree with me, but when the voiceover says Jennifer’s name it sounds like Satan’s voice from the EXORCIST and I was waiting for him to follow it with a continuous chanting of “redrum.”

As soon as Tilly’s character mentions in a faux interview that she was good enough to play Erin Brockovich and wouldn’t have had needed to wear a Wonderbra, I am convinced that I should expect more funny and less homicide. The film’s producers are going for more of a comedy/horror reaction in this one and it’s further evidenced by Chucky’s bride giving him a clear plastic cup to fill up with, um, stuffing or whatever the hell would pass as man gravy from a doll in order to get Tilly preggers. There’s actually jokes being cracked near the end of this trailer between Chucky and his wife but I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m used to my horror and comedy keeping at least fifty feet away from each other.

At the very end there is a conceit that has Chucky rolling in an H2 by himself and comes upon Britney Spears. He doesn’t seem to like the chick that seems to be into guys who try, as hard as they can, to appear like they grew up in Watts and he does us all a favor by running her off the road. A big explosion ensues with John Waters, master of weird, looking on. It’s surreal and I question whether I really like it but it’s so amusing in a juvenile way that I look past its immaturity.

Also, I like that Jennifer gets introduced as an Academy Award nominee and, right after that, Chucky is given credit for being an MTV Movie Award nominee. This movie looks like it isn’t taking anything seriously but that’s actually a slight shame as I still yearn for the horror of old. However, the teens out there looking for a movie to waste their money on for a Friday or Saturday night diversion might find what they’re looking for in this movie. My only wish is that this film makes up for the heinous outing of BRIDE OF CHUCKY.

Director: Andy Tennant
Cast: Will Smith, Eva Mendes, Kevin James, Michael Rapaport
Release:February 11, 2005
Synopsis: A professional matchmaker’s program is threatened by a female journalist who enrolls as a student and plans on publishing an exposé on his fraudulent methods.

Prognosis: Negative. Will Smith.

How the mighty have fallen. Not out of financial disrepair, mind you, but fallen into a cushy pigeonhole of safe vanilla characters and a one trick pony execution.

“Most guys just don’t understand women.”

We are treading into very dangerous territory with this opening line. After it’s presented, however, we get a woman tossing a cup filled with ice in the direction of man who protests too much that his unheard question to the woman was purely innocuous. Will Smith addresses and shatters, with unwelcome aplomb, the 4th wall by talking right to the audience by saying this is where he steps in.

Will goes over the man, still visibly pissed some beyotch flipped some cold crap on his nice sports jersey, and gives him a quick assessment of what the woman thought he was saying while offering some tips on what he can do to possibly get all up in that and hit it.

This would be amusing if it was a promo for an NBC show called Matchmaker. Oh, right, there was already a show called that and it was cancelled. No one believed it then and I don’t believe it here. But, being as objective as I can, I plod forth.

Kevin James headlines as well in this movie. He somehow, through the magic of Hollywood and imagination beyond even my ken, gets some trim that looks awfully close to Cameron Diaz asking for his number. Why is she asking for it? What did he do that was so great? No clue. I am aware though that Will is supposed to be a date doctor, who is named, coincidently and wickedly ironic, Hitch. He’s helping Kevin out in what seems like a stretch role for the King of Queens who is now playing a dateless, lumbering dufus instead of a married, lumbering dufus.

The highlight for me, if I had a highlight reel that I could show over and over again, is Will coaching Kevin on how to dance. Oh yeah, I love it as we get the whole stereotype of white people, men specifically, of not being able to dance. Will shows us what he means by giving us an example. Yeah, it was funny when Eddie Murphy did it in RAW but it is just played out, Middle America humor here in the 21st century. If it was my movie Kevin would shoot back with a bon mot by explaining that the word ask is not annunciated as the thing firemen use to beat down a burning door.

In a twist not seen since THE CRYING GAME Will seems to lose his ability to impress the opposite sex when he finally meets someone who he is interested in. (Gasp!) I know what you’re all feeling. It’s not as bad as seeing a kielbasa whip out at you but, damn, them thar writers thought of a winner plot line. Will bumbles, crumbles and simply falls apart around the woman he wants to make his. We even get an allergy gag, one I was really fond of when it Martin Short did it in PURE LUCK, but here?

I’m just amazed that CBS isn’t putting this in between reruns of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND and STILL STANDING.

Director: John Moore
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Giovanni Ribisi, Miranda Otto, Hugh Laurie, Jared Padalecki, Tony Curran
Release:November 24, 2004
Synopsis: An action-adventure in which a group of air crash survivors – cast-offs from society who will never be missed – are stranded in the Mongolian desert with no hope of rescue. As they attempt to build a new plane from the wreckage of the old one, in hopes of flying back to civilization, they experience a rebirth of their own.

Prognosis: Unimpressed. I first came across Dennis Quaid in his role as a reckless young pilot who will stop at nothing from being with his severely permed girlfiend, Meg Ryan, in INNERSPACE after being injected into Martin Short (Damn, two justified Martin Short references. I wonder what the hell is happening in the cosmos this week). I hate to think that he’s the kind of an actor, who I don’t find particularly compelling in anything he’s ever done with the exception of a couple movies like TRAFFIC, who really won’t ever be in anything profound but he’s like a good hitter in a line-up that manages to just hit well enough to justify his place but not good enough to be the one who captures all the headlines. This will be another one of those kind of movies.

When the trailer opens I imagine the movie is going to be an interesting remake that blends some new elements into the plot to make things more modern. I stop thinking so much after seeing the prop engine plane in the middle of a desert. This movie will be exactly like its predecessor. In fact, if you go back and look at an old movie poster for the first film, which starred Jimmy Stewart and Richard Attenborough, you see the same line of people pulling a plane though the desert that you see doing it here. It’s odd, if you haven’t seen the first version, when the plane actually gets into the air as the girl from THE GOLDEN CHILD watches it go over her head because you’re not quite sure where on God’s green earth these people are supposed to be. I am left to assume they are in Asia somewhere and at some time in history but I don’t know that for sure. Thankfully, I’m someone who likes figuring out these kinds of puzzles and not having to hear throaty voiceover guy spoil the fun is a nice change of pace.

Like all good movies that start with a plane taking off, though, that bird is going to fall from the sky. I have to give big ups to the trailer makers who show one of the props actually disengaging from the wing of the plane and embedding itself into the fuselage. The screen goes mute. There is only a moment’s worth of actual music score as the plane goes tumbling down. Awesome. Everything gets flamey and smokey and I wish real hard for maybe only one or two of the guys to make it. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people live, with the exception of the one dude I see getting sucked out of what once was the tail section of the plane.

Dennis lets us all know that they are in the middle of the desert, have little water and any chance to get rescued is about zil to none; I like this movie even more. I do, however, have to take contention with the shirtless guys on parade. Yeah it’s a desert but where are the topless chicks in the desert? Seeing these dudes only make me feel inferior because they have bigger breasts than I do. Quickly diverting my attention, though, is Giovanni Ribisi who steps in (he is one of the best, but also the most criminally underutilized, actors working today) and lets us all know that in order to get out of the desert they are going to have to make a plane out of the one that crashed. I am real curious to know why in hell these guys were carrying welding equipment, and matching cover masks, but I’m intrigued. Spirit in the Sky cranks up and we get the montage so popular in the 80’s of people coming together during a musical interlude so that by the end of the song everything is all finished and perfect. Yay.

We get some tense moments. A lighting storm shocks one dude off the wing of the metal plane (I hope that guy dies for not having learned thing about electricity from Mr. Wizard’s World), a long strip of quiet nomadic locals take a shine on the Americans rebuilding their plane, we get some violence courtesy of a gun, and, of course, the eventual test flight of the newly constructed plane.

Overall, this feels like a Disney production with nothing really spectacular going for it other than the possibility of the one girl having to strip down because of the heat. Since I know that isn’t going to happen and that a certain percentage of the movie’s stars will miraculously make it out alive on the makeshift plane this movie should do as well as any average, dependable sports player you’re really not expecting much from.

Director: Brian Levant
Cast: Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen, Philip Bolden, Jay Mohr
Release: January 28, 2005
Syn: The fledgling romance between Nick, a playboy bachelor, and Suzanne, a divorced mother of two, is threatened by a particularly harrowing New Year’s Eve. When Suzanne’s work keeps her in New York City for the holiday, Nick offers to bring her kids to the city from Washington D.C. The kids, who have never liked any of the men their mom has dated, and are determined to turn the trip a nightmare for Nick.

Prognosis: Dizam, this looks like crizap. I remember a time when Ice Cube was a man to be feared. In photos with NWA, Ice had his jheri curl tucked inside the black ball cap on his head that clearly read Ice Cube so you knew exactly who you were looking at when you saw him. The man laid down dope rhymes and was a masterful storyteller, to say nothing of the man’s flow, long before I could appreciate it. I was in awe at how many F, S, P and N bombs the man dropped. It appealed to my fourteen year-old sensibilities.

Push the fast-forward button on the time machine a good fifteen years, insert that sound of the tape going really really fast, and you come up with a version of a man who seems to be faring quite nicely after being co-opted, and willingly letting it happen, by the powers that be. This is a safer, gentler Ice Cube.

“Mom says that we should be polite.”

The trailer opens with a nice man brining flowers to Nia Long. He looks like a successful man, he dresses nice, but it’s quickly apparent that Nia’s kids don’t like suitors. So what’s a kid to do? Make Rube Goldberg contraptions that ensure that the men never want to come back again. In the previously stated man’s case, flying tomatoes that explode on impact will do well enough, but there needs to be something more that will really get the simpletons in the audience laughing, or guffawing, out loud. Ah, yes. Marbles. Everyone in the world can appreciate the funny in a man slipping on a patch of marbles.

“I feel sorry for the next sucker who tries to put on the moves.”

Ice is all pimped out. He has his matching coat and cap, is rolling in a nice ride, and in the shop he works at, and possibly owns, he tosses a football at the heads of some kids he doesn’t like. He looks like he is loving life, and, oddly enough, doesn’t like kids. Cue Nia. On a side note, if single moms around the world looked as good as her there would be no child left behind I can promise you that. Ice is impressed with her and ends up trying to help the single mom out by offering her jumpstart on a car with a dead battery. It’s raining out, he mentions the dangers of doing it in the rain, but they ignore the possibilities of simple science, and the man shoots back in an electric shock when the inevitable happens.

Seeing how he wants to shoplift the pootie Ice somehow willingly takes on the responsibility to transport Nia’s little hellions to wherever the hell she has to quickly go off to in the first place. Of course, seeing how Ice’s ride was really nice and he’s accustomed to things looking just as good, the kids begin their travails with the strange man by trashing his car. Next, at the airport, one of the little jokers puts a corkscrew in Ice’s pocket to be found by security. Normally, this matter would be taken care of with nary a second thought as security would tell Ice he would not be able to board the plane with it and would confiscate the item. No, since this is movie is about physical humor, and a movie geared to a more kid friendly sect of the population, Ice is treated to a Terry Tate style beat down.

So, with flying out as an option Ice decides to drive and that’s where, while sitting on plastic covering the seats, one of the kids utters this movie’s title. From here, it’s pee jokes, Ice getting locked out of the car, the kids going for a joy ride in a parking lot, somehow the kids ending up on a freight train while Ice rides along on a horse (don’t ask me how this happens), Ice literally goes mano-y-mano with a deer, as a myriad of other physical pranks pepper this montage of events. There is the obligatory hug the kids give to Ice, probably when everyone learns what it means to really love someone, while I try to learn to stay away from this formulaic crap. We get one more gag, courtesy of the little boy, of the puke variety to end this one on a classy note. Of course by the end of this movie Ice’s car is trashed beyond all methods of repair and the fact that they all end up at a train station somehow is probably a good indication of this actually occurring.

I would ask where the man I once saw as a roughneck bad ass is but I already know the answer to that question: having a good time getting paid many dollars to be less threatening to audiences.

Director: Zak Penn
Cast: Werner Herzog, John Bailey, Kitana Baker, Gabriel Beristain, David A. Davidson, Steven Gardner, Crispin Glover, Jeff Goldblum, Lena Herzog, Ricky Jay, Michael Karnow, Robert O’Meara, Zak Penn, Pietro Scalia, Adrian Shine, Russell Williams
Release: September 17th, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: A documentary exploring the myth of the Loch Ness monster.

Prognosis: Hmm. As movies go, I don’t usually focus on the person writing them when I think of whether or not I’ll enjoy the final piece. I like to give every film an honest chance to make an impression regardless of its origins. Here, though, after seeing this trailer, I am convinced that the man behind the script will ultimately kill or levitate this movie beyond its initial premise. But first things first.

This trailer opens up with a man, a scraggly, barfly kind of a man, talking about the Loch Ness monster and its mythic past. And then, the last person you would think to see in a reality/fiction film, Werner Herzog pops on the screen saying he’s always been interested in the difference between fact and truth. The camera pans out onto the loch itself as its deep waters crest back and forth, the grey skies and damp atmosphere captured fully in the frame. Werner stands on the edge of a small boat and reiterates the notion of a dinosaur-like creature swelling beneath the surface; he interviews a scientist who believes, as well, in the creature and its realness.

There’s a nice voiceover that lets us know that a pack of filmmakers and scientists, with some clips given more of a “reality” feel with the time code still embedded in the footage, boarded a boat looking for Nessie. The trailer then shows the people tagging along for the ride while another clip shows a moment when a scientist explains his own position on the mythical beast. And then, things get interesting.

There’s a commotion on the boat. Hands pound on the fiberglass window of the little booth where Werner is steering. The scientists have found something; they’ve found the monster. It rams the boat. A man goes overboard. People ask what it is while Werner requests to keep filming. The last piece of film is of a man with the government who is confounded by what exactly happened during this voyage. As reality movies go, it’s a winner of a trailer.

One of the things about this genre, which has seen a proliferation in fiction pieces couched as real documentaries (SEPTEMBER TAPES, OPEN WATER, COMIC BOOK: THE MOVIE, etc…), is that they are part of the nation’s zeitgeist. People like their entertainment, for good or bad, real and unscripted. What these movies show, and it’s interesting to keep in mind next time you watch a “reality” program, is how well the line between fact and fiction can get blurred with someone talented enough behind the pen. And, since I brought it up, the guy behind this one is Zak Penn and has been responsible, in part, for bringing some nerd friendly movies to the big screen. From the Piven classic, PCU, the check-your-brain-at-the-door action fest, BEHIND ENEMY LINES, to the indeterminable powerful script of X2, the man has done some notable work. Let’s hope his directing and writing the film doesn’t add up to him spreading his talents too thin.

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