Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Madonna is set to direct a boxing movie called Blade To The Heart. After successfully setting back the art of acting thirty years by her performances in Die Another Day and Swept Away, it’s only natural that she would want to do the same for the art of directing.

• In Beatles news, the FBI has released all documents pertaining to investigations concerning formerly alive songwriter John Lennon. Among the surprise revelations in the papers is the fact that Lennon was not a Conservative and did not approve of the Vietnam war. The FBI files on Ringo Starr remain uninteresting.

• To go along with the recent influx of geriatric rock, the band Rush has announced that they are putting the finishing touches on a new studio album.  The concept album, called Hold Your Bladder, will feature unnecessarily lengthy songs that tell the story of three, aged and incontinent musicians who discover that their music hasn’t been relevant for over 30 years.

• Putting the “Ew” in news, it has been confirmed that stars Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are dating.  Stone, 48 and Slater, 37 began dating after starring together in the movie Bobby. Slater commented on the relationship in a recent interview by saying “I just wasn’t looking for a challenge. I’m pretty sick of trying to seduce women. I just wanted a sure thing and. . .well, come on.  Sharon Stone.  Hello?  Ten years ago calling?  Easy money, people.  Easy money.”

• And finally, in other recording news, the Black Eyed Peas have recorded a “fun” new album. The band took to heart the voice of their fan collective that said the world was sick of hearing such politically and religiously charged anthems as “Let’s Get Retarded” and “My Humps.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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