Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It has been announced by Scholastic, Inc. that 12 million copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows will be printed in the book’s first run, breaking a printing record. While the books are sure to eventually sell, insiders think that this number is way too high, as there are only seven million registered pedophiles in the US.

• Former gay cowboy and current serial killer hunter Jake Gyllenhaal is in talks to star in a big screen adaptation of DC Comics’s Shazam!. Producers hope to get Gyllenhaal on board as soon as possible, as filming is slated to begin in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds.

• Heather Mills has been asked by British police to refrain from calling the emergency services number unless there is a true emergency. Since Mills and Paul McCartney filed for divorce, Mills has been the subject of a paparazzi frenzy. Mills responded that “if I can’t call the police to come over and shoot the paparazzi or my ex-husband or to help me find my leg, just who in the hell am I supposed to call?”

• TV personality Regis Philbin is recovering after having bypass surgery. The 75 year old talk show host has recently had chest pains and shortness of breath, which prompted the procedure. We here at QSE News would like to take a moment to recognize all of you who prayed for Philbin’s recovery. Look what you did… jerks.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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