FRED Entertainment

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan has landed the number one spot on this year’s Maxim Hot 100, beating out other hotties such as Jessica Alba.  After the announcement of the list, the magazine did admit that many readers were confused and thought they were voting for the female with whom they’d most like to “snort a couple lines with while partying till 4 a.m. then bang in the back of a Jetta after puking in a really expensive hand bag.”

• Pop star Britney Spears is out of rehab and ready to tour… kind of. Spears will be performing at the House of Blues in Orlando, FL this weekend. Spears said she is excited to get back to Florida and that she “will lip-synch better, louder and longer than she’s ever lip-synched before.”

• And finally, ABC has announced its Fall Schedule, and a couple of high profile shows did not make the cut.  Due to declining ratings, George Lopez and Knights of Prosperity have been canceled to make way for new shows.  According to network sources, the new shows will be “mainly stolen ideas from other networks and whatever successful European show hasn’t been re-done… and that NBC hasn’t already taken.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• NBC has announced its Fall Schedule and a couple of high profile shows did not make the cut. Due to declining ratings, both Crossing Jordan and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip have been cancelled to make way for new shows. According to network sources, the new shows will be “mainly stolen ideas from other networks and whatever successful European show hasn’t been re-done.”

• Smashing Pumpkins will headline 17 concerts in two cities to promote its upcoming CD. The shows will be split between San Francisco, CA and Asheville, NC. When asked why the band would choose Asheville for a series of shows, lead singer/songwriter Billy Corgan said “Let’s face it. There ain’t shit to do in that town so it’s almost a guarantee that the shows will sell out.”

• It has been announced that Guy Ritchie will write and direct a new movie called RocknRolla.  The movie is said to be about several members of the London criminal underground all competing for a multi million dollar payday, and is being billed as an action comedy. Ritchie has said he will cast the film entirely using his and wife Madonna’s adopted children.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Spider-Man 3 continued to pummel the competition by raking in another $60 million. The Larry the Cable Guy film, Delta Farce, which openly mocks the U. S. Military, came in fifth with a meager $3.5 million. Delta Farce numbers were surprisingly low as many expected the entire state of Texas to see the film.

• The Motion Picture Associate of America (MPAA) will begin considering smoking when it evaluates whether or not a film is suitable for younger audiences. The MPAA did confirm that grotesque violence will still only command a PG rating.

• Hip Hop artist The Game has been arrested for suspicion of making criminal threats in relation to an event that happened in February. According to Mr. Game’s friends, The Game is confused as to which February incident he’s been arrested for because “He did a lot of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] up [EXPLETIVE DELETED] in February. He is a rapper you know.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rapper Akon has apologized to his fans and the general public after dancing suggestively with a 14-year-old girl at a recent concert.  Video of the act was posted on the internet and upon discovery of the girl’s age, Verizon pulled its sponsorship of the tour, which also includes Gwen Stefani. Aside from the legal implications of the act, there is more trouble ahead of Akon as representatives for R. Kelly have issued a cease and desist letter, demanding Akon stop interacting with underage girls as it’s “R. Kelly’s thing.”

• It appears that the sometimes sober actress Lindsay Lohan will be playing a stripper in her next movie, I Know Who Killed Me.  Lohan broke the news to a noticeably excited David Letterman on his late night television show.  After hearing the news, Jane Fonda, Lohan’s current co-star and past Lohan basher, promptly told reporters “A stripper, huh?  She should have went for the role of drunken whore… she could have played THAT in her sleep.”

• In a post on his MySpace pace, New Order bassist Paul Hook has announced that New Order has broken up.  Seen as one of the most influential bands of modern rock, New Order has released eight albums since they formed in 1980.  The news of the breakup came as a shock to many fans who had assumed that the band had broken up in the 90s.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Disney has announced that it has acquired the rights to a film about the life of Penny Chenery, the owner of the Triple Crown-winning horse Secretariat.  The movie will detail the life of the woman who became known as “The First Lady of Racing” and will also explore the life of perhaps the most famous racing horse ever.  While the film has only just been announced, it is being reported that producers are actively pursuing Hilary Swank for the role of Secretariat.

• In other Hilary Swank news, it is being reported that Swank has been cast in the new horror film Fangland.  Based on a novel by John Marks, Fangland is said to be a mixture of the films Dracula and Network, with blood thirsty vampires stalking the halls of a television studio.  Producers were excited to land Swank as the actress’s already ghoulish looks will save the production a lot of money on make-up.

• Bidders have paid more than $1 million at an auction of Grateful Dead memorabilia this week. The top selling item was a guitar belonging to formerly alive lead singer Jerry Garcia that fetched $312,000. According to sources, the money secured in the auction will go towards various organs and transplants needed by the remaining members of the band.

• Actor Tim Roth has been cast as the villain in the upcoming sequel The Incredible Hulk.  Roth joins a powerhouse cast that already includes Ed Norton as the title character and Liv Tyler as Betty Ross.  In the film, Roth with play the character Abomination, and was originally confused about the role as he thought it was a description of the movie, and not a character.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It is being reported that director Robert Rodriguez will be helming a live action version of the classic cartoon The Jetsons.  A Jetsons movie has been rumored for years but has only recently been picking up speed.  Rodriguez is expected to stay close to the original feel of the cartoon but is also expected to add his own personal touches – including a scene where Mr. Spacely shoots Mr. Cogwell in the face with a gun shaped like a penis.

• Fashion guru Isabella Blow has passed away at the age of 48.  Blow was well known in the world of high fashion and is often credited with discovering other designers such as Alexander McQueen and Philip Treacey.  While the fashion world was shocked at Blow’s passing, no one took it quite as hard as troubled rocker Pete Doherty, who mistook the designer for the drug of the same name.

• The host of Extreme Makeover was arrested for driving under the influence this past weekend. Ty Pennington was picked up in Los Angeles after registering a 0.14 percent blood-alcohol level. Upon release, Pennington addressed his fans by proclaiming “I’m Ty Mother {EXPLETIVE DELETED] Pennington. No one is bigger than me! I can do whatever the hell I want and no damn pig is gonna stop me. [Expletive Deleted] the police!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The popular TV show Lost now has a firm end date. The show will continue for three more seasons, wrapping up in 2010. Series writers and producers have been asking for an end point commitment from ABC since they ran out of good ideas in season two.

• After learning that several sets of golf clubs were stolen from a girl’s high school golf team in Michigan, Kid Rock offered help. Rock will replace all the stolen clubs with custom-made sets. The only condition Rock held is that upon delivery, the girl’s team uses the clubs to either beat up Pamela Anderson or masturbate with. Video proof will be required in both cases.

• The band Evanescence is down to one member from the lineup the brought about the breakthrough record Fallen. Guitarist John LeCompt has been fired and drummer Rocky Gray has quit the band in the last week. We here at QSE News would like to take a moment and thank God for answering our prayers and destroying this band, but – and we’re not being ungrateful here – Linkin Park is still around.  Just saying, God…

• Makers of a new energy drink called Cocaine have pulled their product from the shelves here in the US, after complaints about the way the marketing of the drink was handled.  According to the product webpage, the makers of the drink call it “Speed in a Can” and “Liquid Cocaine,” implying a direct connection with the drug.  In related news, troubled rocker Pete Doherty has a new favorite drink.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It won’t come as much of a surprise to most Americans, but Spider-Man 3 was number one at the box office this past weekend with a record setting three-day total of $148 million. Spider-Man 3 broke the record previously held by Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. For those 23 people who have not seen Spider-Man 3, a van will be by shortly to take you to Spider-Man re-education camp.

• Actress Liv Tyler will play the role of Betty Ross in the upcoming Hulk sequel. Tyler will join Edward Norton, who has taken over the role of Bruce Banner. Tyler’s character will be responsible for making Banner turn into the Hulk by forcing him to listen to her father’s band, Aerosmith.

• It has been announced that a sequel to the film Wall Street is set to me made nearly 20 years after the first film was released.  The new film, called Money Never Sleeps, will feature Michael Douglas reprising his role of the infamous Gordon Gekko.  To get back into the character, Douglas has accepted positions with Enron, Tyco, WorldCom, Adelphia, Halliburton…

• Finally, and in continued movie news, actor Sacha Baron Cohen will play Freddy Mercury in an upcoming biopic about the Queen frontman. Cohen himself is fresh off his breakthrough performance as Borat. Cohen is expected to play the role more seriously than his last several films by working in only one or two high fives.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Alternative Rock heroes The Jesus and Mary Chain may be headed back to the recording studio for the first time since 1998. Band members were overheard discussing the possible studio time at this past weekend’s Coachella Music Festival. The band is reportedly sick of doing “low grade junk” and are hoping to sell enough new albums to get back to “the real knock you off your ass for 2 months [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”

• Rapper Busta Rhymes was arrested in New York yesterday morning for drunk driving. Rhymes was not available for comment at press time, but his agent released a statement that read “Busta was not drunk on alcohol but instead was drunk on love… love for America, puppy dogs, apple pie, baseball, God and the children of this world that deserve love.”

• Oliver Stone has directed a new commercial challenging the current Bush administration to bring the American troops home. The commercials will feature an Iraq War veteran and was produced by MoveOn.org. The commercial will be four and half hours long.

• A new video making the rounds on the internet shows a drunken David Hasselhoff being chastised by his 16-year-old daughter.  In the video, Hasselhoff is sitting on the floor of his Las Vegas home while his daughter, Taylor, tells him “You’re throwing your life away.”  We here at QSE News wish David all the help in the world, but would also like to point out that drinking won’t make you forget what you stuck in KITT’s tailpipe.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Author Chuck Palahniuk has announced that a movie based on his novel Choke will begin production next month.  Having been in development for years with several writers and directors attached, the version of the book that will be made was written and will be directed by Clark Gregg.  Contrary to popular belief, Choke tells the story of a man who pretends to choke to swindle rich people out of money, and is not a biography of former INXS front man Michael Hutchence.

• Mascara clad bands My Chemical Romance and Panic! At The Disco will be providing songs for an upcoming Smashing Pumpkins tribute CD. Other bands tapped to donate song include The New Amsterdams and (+44). When asked for comment, Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan said “I guess it’s fitting that My Chemical Romance and that Panic! At the whatever are recording some of my songs since they’ve stolen everything else I’ve ever tried to do.”

• Actress and sexpot Keira Knightly has claimed that she felt devastated after rumors began circulating that she was anorexic.  Knightly, who is best known for being hot and from her role in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, has long been the subject of eating disorder rumors.  Knightly claimed that when the news hit she was “so depressed, she couldn’t bring herself to eat a thing.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Boy George was arrested over the weekend for allegedly falsely imprisoning and assaulting a 28-year-old man.  The former singer for the band Culture Club, George was released on bail with a court date scheduled for July. Even though the singer has had numerous run-ins with the law, these allegations are perhaps the most shocking, as it’s hard to believe that a man would admit to getting his ass kicked by Boy George.

• Soulman R. Kelly is producing a song in honor of the victims of the Virginia Tech Shootings. The song, titled “Rise Up,” will be available May 15 and all proceeds will go to the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund. In unrelated news, R. Kelley has also finished his 32nd song about filthy, deviant, sexual escapades and will make the track available later this spring.

• Director Peter Jackson is shopping a new script around Hollywood, hitting up every studio except New Line. The relationship between Jackson and New Line has soured in the wake of an ongoing legal dispute over royalties earned from the phenomenally successful Lord of the Rings trilogy. Jackson’s new script is said to be a complete departure from anything he’s done in the past, meaning there will be no homoerotic/bestiality/midget tossing in the film.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney has announced the track listing for his upcoming album, Memory Almost Full.  The disc, which is scheduled to be released on June 5th, marks McCartney’s 21st studio effort and his first in over two years.  Among tracks such as “See Your Sunshine” and “Vintage Clothes,” fans will be treated to freshly-penned songs “You’ll Never Get My Money, You [EXPLETIVE DELETED]” and “Hey Heather, I [EXPLETIVE DELETED] In Your Leg You Whore,” both of which detail McCartney’s divorce from Heather Mills.

• Courtney Love has announced that she is planning on selling numerous artifacts from her deceased husband, Nirvana singer Kurt Cobain.  The various items, including the singer’s clothes, will be sold by Christie’s Auction House with the proceeds going directly to Love and her daughter.  The move has shocked many fans of the band as most were convinced that Love had ran out of ways to milk money out of her dead husband’s name years ago.

• Indie music label Touch & Go Records will soon be unveiling a music download store featuring the label’s entire catalog. Touch & Go representatives said the site will also be the only place to download any music by Steve Albini. While several people are applauding the move, some in the recording industry say the label hasn’t gone far enough, especially with regard to making anyone on Earth actually care that this music is available.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The film Disturbia was number one at the box office this last weekend for the third week in a row, despite only pulling in $9 million. Hollywood insiders are surprised the film was able to maintain its dominance with such highly touted releases as Kickin It Old Skool and the Stone Cold Steve Austin vehicle The Condemned.

• Actress Julia Stiles will star in and produce a film adaptation of the novel The Bell Jar. The novel, by Sylvia Plath, follows the character of Esther Greenwood as she slides into mental illness. Stiles is best known for being hot.

• Former American Idol contestant Jessica Sierra was arrested over the weekend for allegedly hitting a man with a glass. When news of the arrest came out, American Idol judge Simon Cowell criticized Sierra for her performance during the fight, calling it “too cliché.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Crooner/Thespian Snoop Dogg has been denied entry into Australia due to his extensive criminal record. Earlier this year Dogg was not allowed a visa to perform in England. To protest the Australian government’s refusal to allow him into the country, Dogg says he will not “smoke anything from that country until they let me in.” Australian agricultural exports, especially the crop known as “Down Under Wonder Bud,” are expected to take a major hit.

• Fox has announced that they have pulled the mid-season drama Drive after only two episodes. Drive, a rip off of the hit film Smokey and the Bandit 3, never seemed to click with an audience. To fill the show’s time slot, Fox has ordered another show that it will cancel after only a few airings.

• Filming on the Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight, had to be halted on Tuesday when a fire broke out on roof of the building the crew was using. The fire only prevented filming for a few hours, and when it was cleaned up, production resumed. Investigators are looking into what caused the blaze but claim that reports of Richard Simmons being sighted on the roof are “completely false.”

• Geek God, David Goyer, has signed on to helm a film based on the popular X-Men villain Magneto. The film will tell the back story of Magneto as well as his relationship with Charles Xavier. Goyer has promised the film will delve into the attraction between Magento’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED] and Charles Xavier’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Model turned gold digger Heather Mills was finally voted off of the TV show Dancing With The Stars on Tuesday.  Mills, the former wife of Sir Paul McCartney, has been facing elimination for the past several weeks before finally getting the axe.  When asked for comment, a teary eyed Mills exclaimed “I did the best I could, but the competition just had a leg up on me.”

• It has been announced that Rosie O’Donnell will be leaving her gig at The View. The morbidly obese O’Donnell wasn’t happy with the new contract that ABC was offering and opted to leave the show.  According to sources, ABC offered the porcine princess a $15 million contract but refused to meet O’Donnell’s demand for a “lifetime supply of tasty Hostess snack cakes” clause.

• Spinal Tap is reuniting for a Live Earth concert at London’s Wembley Stadium. The original members, guitarist Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), singer David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) and bassist Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer), will all take part in the reunion. Not surprisingly, the promoters are having issues finding a drummer who isn’t afraid to spontaneously combust or explode at the end of the band’s set.

• George Lucas and Mark Hamill have been tapped to lend their voices for an upcoming episode of Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim show Robot Chicken. The episode will be dedicated to Star Wars, with Lucas providing the voice of cartoon version of himself, while Hamill will reprise the role of Luke Skywalker… in cartoon form. The producers of the show were allowed to parody Star Wars in return for all marketing and future editing rights.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz has gathered some of his buddies to open a new club in New York City. Wentz will be opening his club, Angels & Kings, next week. The “high concept” club will allow patrons to fully immerse themselves in the Pete Wentz experience by applying mascara, hopping into a booth built for one, wishing they were loved by someone and pretending that they’re punk.

• In music news, The Raconteurs are in the studio recording a new album. The band, fronted by Jack White and three other guys that are not Jack White, has 12 songs already written for the album. White said that while he maintains his role in both the Raconteurs and The White Stripes, all this work will force him to cut back on banging hot chicks and his planned drug/alcohol induced meltdowns.

• It has been announced that the upcoming Simpsons movie will feature a scene that has full frontal nudity of 10-year old boy Bart Simpson.  When asked to comment about the scene, the creators claimed that they only did it to entice the elusive pedophile demographic “back out to theaters since Harry Potter is too old now.”  Michael Jackson is also said to be very excited to see the film.

• In continued Simpsons news, Universal Studios is set to unveil a new ride based on the popular cartoon. The attraction will be a motion simulator that takes riders on a tour through the fictional Simpson hometown of Springfield. Amusement Park aficionados are excited by the news but have also cautioned that the ride “just isn’t as good as it was 10 years ago.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Actor Crispin Glover has been cast in the lead role of the indie horror movie The I Scream Man.  Glover, best known for his role as George McFly in the Back to the Future movies, will play an ice cream man who takes out vengeance on a small town.  In related new, actor Danny Glover still can’t get a damn taxi.

• The brains (and most of the talent) behind the Gorillaz has said there won’t be another album from the fictional group, however there may be a soundtrack. Damon Albarn said that he is currently working on a film featuring the cartoon members of the band and continued to say that an accompanying soundtrack will be produced. The plot of the movie is said to be “autobiographical in nature,” with the band being continually confused with the band Bush, and how they deal with that on a day to day basis.

• Russell Simmons, co-founder of the hip-hop label Def Jam Records, is lobbying the recording industry to stop using certain words he has deemed “extreme curse words.”  Simmons said that three words in particular, “H*,” “B***h” and “N****r” should never be used in a recording and has asked the industry to police itself.  If this action succeeds, it is expected that Simmons will next go after the words “A*s L****r,” “F*****g” and “X*******e.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Alec Baldwin has apologized for calling his 11-year-old daughter a “rude, thoughtless pig” after an audio tape with a message from Baldwin to his daughter was leaked to the press last week. Although Baldwin’s comments were inexcusable, everyone agrees that his daughter could stand to lose a couple pounds.

• The film Disturbia was number one at the box office for the second week in a row. The film, which is an “updated” version of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, pulled in over $13 million. While watching the film, many have noted that if you listen carefully enough, you can hear Hitchcock spinning in his grave.

• During an interview to hype Spider-Man 3, director Sam Raimi announced that Sony has plans for at least three more Spider-Man films. While details of the on the next films are sketchy, it is believed that in Spider-Man 4, Spidey will go the route of other franchises by including a hokey plot, poor acting and bad writing.

• The internet has been buzzing the last few days about Matt Damon being in negotiations to star as Green Arrow in David Goyer’s movie SuperMax.  In related news, Ben Affleck is in talk to do something with someone to upstage the news of his friend’s potential announcement.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• After widespread internet rumors stated that Lawrence Fishburne would be the voice of Galactus in the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel, it has been revealed that Fishburne is actually voicing the herald of Galactus, the Silver Surfer.  Fishburne has said that he’s drawn on his many years of acting in finding the right voice for the Surfer, including spending a lot of time watching his past performance as Cowboy Curtis from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

• The former frontman for the band Right Said Fred, Richard Fairbrass, has set his sights on public service.  Fairbrass, best know for singing the cult hit “I’m Too Sexy” has announced his intentions to run for the Mayor of London.  Shortly after the announcement, Fairbrass’s opponents launched a negative ad campaign claiming that Fairbrass might in fact be too sexy for the office of Mayor.

• Spider-Man is getting ready for his Broadway debut. Marvel Entertainment announced it is planning a new musical based on its popular character with music being provided by Bono and the Edge, of U2. Bono only agreed to write the music after Marvel allowed him to spend the first hour and a half of performance lecturing the crowd about global awareness.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• American Idol judge Simon Cowell has come under fire for what many people are saying was a showing of disrespect towards the tragedy in Virginia.  While contestant Chris Richardson expressed his sorrow over the incident, Cowell was shown rolling his eyes.  Cowell claims that he was reacting to something else, and not the comments by Richardson.  Oddly enough, no one said anything when Cowell said of Sanjaya’s performance “Wow, you blew us away.  It was like snuck up behind us while we were watching the play Our American Cousin and shot us in the back of the head. What? Too soon?”

• Actor Rip Torn has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence after he was involved in an accident in December.  Torn, who has been in such hit movies as the Men In Black films and Freddy Got Fingered, was required to pay $380 in fines and give up his license for 90 days.  Torn released a statement thanking the court for not sending him to prison where his name would have “become adjectives to describe his anus.”

• Organizers of a cruise line that caters to gay and lesbian families has canceled a planned stop in Bermuda for fear of protests on the tropical island.  The cruise, which was founded by corpulent lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, will instead make stops in Florida and other islands.  Insiders are saying that the real reason residents of Bermuda are protesting is that they fear with O’Donnell’s expansive girth, she may in fact sink the island or eat a large part of the island’s population.

• British pop-music import Lily Allen has cancelled her American tour, leaving only festivals on her tour schedule. Allen says the reason for the cancellations is due to her concern for putting on a good show. The fourteen people who bought tickets for her American shows will receive a full refund.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Kirsten Dunst has gone on record saying that any Spider-Man film made without the involvement of director Sam Raimi, actor Toby Maguire, and herself would be a failure. The three, among a few others, have appeared in all 3 Spider-Man films, with the latest installment coming to theaters early next month. Dunst’s comments seem to have fallen on deaf ears as Sony Pictures is already planning a fourth Spidey film featuring a cast made up almost entirely of transgender Japanese gymnasts with Tourette’s Syndrome.

• In related news, director Sam Raimi has hinted that he would be interested in directing a film version of The Hobbit.  Raimi would take over for Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson who, after a disagreement with New Line Cinema, left the project.  Of course, if this comes to fruition, one could only guess at how Bruce Campbell, the Necronomicon and Raimi’s piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] first car will factor into this Tolkien’s telling.

• Protestors in India have begun burning effigies of Richard Gere after he kissed Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty on the cheek in public.  In the Hindu culture, public displays of affection are very taboo, and many people in the country have begun protesting both Gere and Shetty.  While many groups burned the effigies of Gere, at press time it was unclear if any innocent gerbils were burned in the protests.  PETA is currently investigating.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony are suing the National Enquirer in several outside-U.S cities. Lopez and Anthony were reported in the paper as being involved in a heroin scandal. The suit will likely end quickly as there is no way Lopez is on heroin… coke maybe, but not heroin.

• Lawrence Kasdan has been tapped to write the remake of the cult classic film Clash of the Titans.  Kasdan, who has written several films including Star Wars Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark, will be taking over for Travis Beacham, who has written a draft of the film.  Kasdan plans to stick fairly close to the original, but does plan on putting in a scene where Zeus reveals to Perseus that he is his father, then Zeus proceeds to cut Perseus’s hand off.

• Former Phish keyboardist Page McConnell will be releasing his first solo album today. The album, titled Page McConnell, will feature guest appearances from all of McConnell’s Phish band mates. The album is expected to be a hit among rich college kids who have rejected their parent’s capitalistic lifestyle… except when they need money for food, weed, gas or new sandals.

• The divorce between Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora has been finalized. Court reporters noted that while the divorce still made headlines, a lot more people would care if it was still 1989.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The man that gave the world the smash hit “Tiny Bubbles” has passed away. Singer Don Ho died from heart failure. QSE News would only like to say the following about this tragic event – Haladelekamakah was the thing to say, when Don Ho died on Saturday.

• Actor Shia LaBeouf has been cast in the next installment of the successful Indiana Jones films. Although his participation has been confirmed, it is not yet known what role he will be playing. Insiders speculate the LaBeouf will play some whiney, smart-alecky, aloof kid that hangs around Indiana Jones the whole move and occasionally screams for help.

• In other casting news, actress Christina Ricci has joined the cast of the upcoming film adaptation of the cartoon Speed Racer.  Hot off her role in Black Snake Moan, Ricci will be playing the role of “the car” and many Ricci fans are excited to see Speed climb on board and drive her hard, fast and with little regard for it… we mean her, safety.

• In one final bit of casting news, Edward Norton will be replacing Eric Bana in the role of Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk.  Producers hope that Norton will bring a bit of credibility to a movie about a “big green guy that talks like a retard and smashes stuff for an hour and a half.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Danny Bonaduce’s wife has filed for divorce. Gretchen and Danny Bonaduce have been separated since April 9. The only statement Gretchen Bonaduce released stated “at some point, we all have to come to the realization The Partridge Family was a crappy show, no matter how hard you want it to be good.”

• American author Kurt Vonnegut has passed away at the age of 84. Vonnegut, who wrote several classic books, such as Slaughterhouse-Five and Cat’s Cradle, had spent the last several weeks in the hospital as a result of a fall. It’s unclear whether or not the Tralfamadorians were involved with Vonnegut’s death.

• The Don Imus radio show has been cancelled by CBS in the wake of racial and sexist remarks made by Imus in regards to the Rutgers women’s basketball team. Within minutes of Imus’s release from CBS, Fox News offered him a new home where he will “be free to continue the great work he’s been doing lately.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Tom Selleck, best known Magnum P.I., is in talks to become the leading man on the hit NBC show Las Vegas.  Selleck will be playing the owner of a casino in the city, filling in the void left by the departing James Cann.  Insiders are claiming that Selleck’s character will, in fact, be a ladies man despite the fact that he will be sporting his trademark “gay porn” moustache.

• Michael Jackson has reportedly recruited rapper 50 Cent to help with Jackson’s upcoming album. The two will be collaborating on a song called “Trial of the Century” and will chronicle Jackson’s legal woes over the past several years. Insiders say that Jackson is excited to work with “Fitty” and hopes to learn all sorts of things from the rapper… like how to act like a man.

• The Tennessee home of the late singer Johnny Cash has burned down.  The home, which Cash lived in till 2003, is currently owned by former Bee Gee singer, Barry Gibb. According to the police report, Gibb awoke with a Saturday night fever to discover a burning ring of fire in his bedroom.  Said Gibb, “I’m lucky to be stayin’ alive and that’s no jive talkin’.”

• And fresh from his appearances on Smallville, actor Eric Johnson has signed on as the lead role in the SciFi Channel’s new Flash Gordon series, scheduled to debut this August. Johnson is excited to tackle the role, but expressed some concern as to how the show’s producers will get around his “no nudity clause” if he’s required to run around wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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