Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The scantily clad Spartan film 300 was number one at the box office this weekend after grossing more than $70 million. In addition to setting a March opening-day box-office record, the film also succeeded in confusing the sexual identity of more than two million adolescent males.

• Maggie Gyllenhaal has been selected to replace Katie Holmes as the character Rachel Dawes in next Batman film. Gyllenhaal’s co-stars in the film are said to be excited by the opportunity to work with an actress whose husband isn’t keeping her locked in a basement.

• It appears the real reason the Van Halen reunion tour was called off is because Eddie Van Halen is entering rehab for undisclosed reasons. This announcement may go down as the biggest shock in music news history. And by biggest, we mean totally expected.

• France is getting set to release a set of stamps showcasing the characters of the Harry Potter book and film series.  French officials are insisting that the stamps are an honor and not merely a roundabout way of licking Harry and his friends’ backside. And by backside we mean butt.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

##

Comments: None