Category: News

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Actor John Travolta has stated publicly that he thinks psychiatry and psychotropic drugs are dangerous. Travolta continued to say that psychotropic drugs are behind many of the school shootings in recent years. Psychiatrists across the country have expressed ambivalence to Travolta’s remarks because “Who the hell in their right mind would pay attention to THAT guy?”

• Marc Forster has been tapped to direct the next installment of the popular James Bond film franchise.  Forster, who directed the films Monster’s Ball and Finding Neverland, will be making his first attempt at an “action” film.  While details of the plot are being kept under wraps, it has been announced that the two leading female characters will be named Eddie Allotacock and Harriet Vajay.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Actress Keri Russell has given birth to her first child. A boy, River Russell Deary, was born on June 9 in a New York City hospital. Although it is still early, many of Russell’s family and friends have said “the baby is already a better actor than his mom and looks waaaayyy cuter with short hair.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Julia Roberts has given birth to her third child. Henry Daniel Moder was born Monday at a Los Angeles hospital. When asked for comment, Agelina Jolie responded by saying “I’m happy for Julia and all, but three kids the natural way? There is no way I’d do that to my vaj.”

• Lawyers for Britney Spears are demanding the removal of a Florida billboard featuring Britney and her shaved head. The billboard is an advertisement for a St. Petersburg morning radio show. The radio station responded by saying the billboard isn’t Spears, rather just a photo of some lunatic, drug addict spiraling out of control.

• Musician Ringo Starr has agreed to allow his entire catalog of songs to be available for download.  While this many not seem like an big deal, many fans believe that this is a major step in the songs by the Beatles becoming available online.  As far as Starr’s songs go, it is expected that his two biggest sellers will be “Come On, I’m Just A Drummer, Those Other Guys Had All the Talent,” and “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] You, Oko!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Idol Kelly Clarkson has fired her management and canceled her Summer tour. Despite the pending release of Clarkson’s new album, My December, the supporting tour was canceled due to poor ticket sales. Clarkson is still planning on touring but says she first has to “check the clock to make sure my 15 minutes aren’t up yet.”

• The third installment of the widely successful Guitar Hero video games is due out early next year. The new game will allow players to rock along with tunes from artists such as Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Tenacious D and the Beastie Boys. Unfortunately, the game will not include one of the songs most requested by fans ““ “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

• In movie news, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer was number one at the box office, bringing in over 57 million dollars.  The movie, which has not received very many favorable reviews, beat the second place film, Ocean’s Thirteen, by over 30 million dollars.  In related news, silver colored dildo’s have been flying off the shelves as fans try to re-create the movie experience at home.

• And finally, retired game show host Bob Barker has publicly endorsed his friend Rosie O’Donnell as his replacement on The Price Is Right.  While producers narrow down their search for Barker’s replacement, O’Donnell has been heard trying out new catch phrases just in case she gets the job.  Insiders say that O’Donnell’s favorite phrase at the moment is “Come on down!  So I can eat you.”  *DISCLAIMER*  The previous joke was in no way intended to be a joke about Miss O’Donnell being a lesbian.  We here at QSE News would just like to point out that Miss O’Donnell, as we’ve documented before, is a gigantic fat chick who really likes to eat people.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Troubled pop star Britney Spears has reached out to her fans, asking them to help pick the title of her next album.  On her webpage, Spears has posted several titles – including Dignity and Integrity, and the joke OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like? Not surprising after recent events, the leading vote getter is the title Curtains Finally Match the Carpet.

• Filmmaker Steven Spielberg has announced that he will support Hillary Clinton as she tries to become the next president of the United States.  We here at QSE News would like to commend Mr. Spielberg on making a brave choice, but we are a little concerned over his use of the phrase “the only Bush I trust in my own.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• As a sign of the pending apocalypse, the band Good Charlotte is joining forces with Justin Timberlake for a tour this summer. Kicking off on August 6 in Memphis and adequately named the “Not A Hair There” tour, the show promises to bring a level of “suck-itude” to the stage that hasn’t been seen since in years.  Fortunately, both acts have promised to play “only the hits,” ensuring that the show will be no longer than half an hour and will not force their collective fan base to miss nappy time.

• Korn frontman, Jonathan Davis, is writing an opera. Yeah, you read that correctly. An opera. There is no joke associated with this news item as it itself is a joke. Seriously… as hard as we try, there’s just some shit you can’t make up. Some days it all just stops making sense.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The recently crowned Miss Universe, Riyo Mori, has auditioned for a role on the hit TV show Heroes. It is not known exactly what part Mori would be playing, but series creator Tim Kring did mention that “she will be the love interest for one of the existing characters on the show.” Kring continued by saying “if (Mori) gets the part, her super power will be the ability to suck a golf ball through a 30 foot hose.”

• The band Cat Power has won this year’s Shortlist Music Prize. Cat Power’s album, The Greatest, was chosen as this year’s winner by other musicians including Sufjan Stevens, Wayne Coyne, KT Tunstall and some dude from Panic! At the Disco. Cat Power won despite a strong entry from Kevin Federline.

• And finally, in sad news, Don Herbert, better known as TV’s original Mr. Wizard, has died at the age of 89.  From 1951 ““ 1964 Herbert taught kids all over the country simple science experiments that they could do in their own homes. Herbert died on Tuesday doing what he loved to do… using science while banging hookers.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Gus Van Sant has been attached to direct a film adaptation of Tom Wolfe’s book The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. The book, which is a true account of a cross country trip by author Ken Kesey, focuses on extreme drug use.  At this time no actors have actually been cast, but producers are expected to give the Kool-Aid Man a minor cameo appearance.

• It has been announced that Director Tim Story, whose Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer opens this week, will direct a movie based on another comic book, The Losers.  Story has said that the movie will stick closely to the comic book and will be about a rag-tag group of betrayed soldiers, and not comic book fans.

• It appears Kate Moss is looking for a fight with singer Amy Winehouse. Moss allegedly had Winehouse’s husband thrown out of a VIP tent at the recent Isle of Wight festival. Responding to the slight against her and her husband, Winehouse has proposed a challenge to Moss to settle the rift before it gets worse ““ the first one to shoot 50 kilograms of junk into their eye socket wins.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The film Ocean’s Thirteen was number one at the box office this past weekend. The film is the third in the continuing adventures of Danny Ocean, played by George Clooney.  The success of the film surprised many as it is actually a good, well made movie ““ the likes of which have not been well received by the American public.

• In continued movie news, the horror sequel Hostel: Part II made only $8.8 million on its opening weekend. Experts are trumpeting the end of the resurgent horror genre as several of the more recent horror films have failed to live up to expectations. The experts are saying this despite the success of Shrek 3, the most horrifying movie ever made.

• It has been announced that the movie Fletch Won has a new director and star.  After many years in development, the movie will now feature Dawson’s Creek alum Joshua Jackson as the title character and will be directed by Steve Pink.  Producers of the film settled on Jackson to star in the role after their first choice, Richard Simmons, was deemed too old for the role.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• A Canadian author has brought suit against NBC Universal and writer/director Judd Apatow, claiming that they stole her idea for the movie Knocked Up.  In the suit, Rebecca Eckler claims that there are several similarities between her book, also called Knocked Up, and the film.  We here at QSE throw our support behind Apatow and NBC in fighting this money hungry wench.  We know that Hollywood only produces completely original material and no one in the industry would stoop so low as to steal an idea from a book.

• Tom DeSanto, producer for the X-Men films and the upcoming Transformers movie, has announced that he has secured the rights to the online video game City of Heroes.  City of Heroes is a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game where players design their own costumed alter egos.  At this time it is unclear if any female characters in the movie will actually be played by females, or if they will be played by males pretending to be females.

• All things must end, and now Bob Barker has taped his last episode of The Price is Right. Barker was the sole host of game show for the last 35 years. Those of you that have not spayed or neutered your pets… watch out. Bob is a crazy sonofabitch and will come after you. After all, he warned you for 35 years.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Warner Brothers has announced that it will be producing a live action movie based on the classic 80s cartoon Thundercats.  The announcement of the movie comes only a few short weeks after it was revealed that another 80s cartoon, He-Man, would also be getting a movie.  These recent announcements have many fans of the original cartoons eagerly awaiting the movies and the chance to masturbate to a real life Cheetara and She-Ra. Because masturbating to a cartoon just makes you fell… sad.

• Rumors abound that Britney Spears may replace Paula Abdul as a judge on the next American Idol. The last season of the show saw a noticeable ratings dip and producers are allegedly looking to change the show’s judges. Britney looks like a solid contender for the spot and even commented on the possibility by saying “I’m just as big a train wreck as Paula and I’m equally talent-less, so I think the transition would be pretty easy for everyone.” Spears went on to add, “Besides… I don’t wear underwear.”

• Therapists across the country are upset with The Sopranos after a recent episode that featured a therapist revealing the name of a patient to guests at a diner party. To do so in real life would be a series ethical issue and a violation of patient privacy rights. Series writer David Chase responded by asking the upset therapists “so… how does that relate to the relationship with your mother?”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rapper The Game is facing gun related charges after an incident at a basketball game in February. Mr. Game is being charged with making a criminal threat and possessing a firearm in a school area. And with that, we here at QSE would like to congratulate ourselves for our 1,000th “rapper arrested” story. We’d like to thank all the little people that helped us get to this point, and we’d especially like to thank the hip-hop culture of violence and misogyny.

• Organizers have released a preliminary list of movies that will be represented at this year’s San Diego Comic-con. Among the comic book themed films like Hellboy 2 and Wanted, studios will also be pushing films such as Balls of Fury, Indiana Jones 4 and Sweeney Todd. These presentations will not be seen by any women.

• Word has leaked that there are four, yes four, movies in the works about the life of Sammy Davis, Jr.  Among the stars to tackle the legendary one-eyed singer are Denzel Washington, and Andre 3000 from the rap group Outkast.  While four movies may seem like a lot for one subject, it pales in comparison to the 7 movies that are being made about the life of corpulent ex-talk show host (and beloved light of our news columnist -ed.) Rosie O’Donnell.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The band Cartel may have to find another bubble to record their next album as the one they are currently using burst. The band is recording a new album inside a Dr. Pepper sponsored bubble for a reality TV show set to air on MTV. The band’s management had nothing to say despite the foreshadowing.

• On a sad musical note, the drummer for the up and coming indie-rock band Ra Ra Riot has died.  John Pike was reported missing on Saturday and his body turned up floating in Buzzard’s Bay in Rhode Island on Sunday.  While police are continuing their investigation into Pike’s death, they are not ruling out Fa Fa Foul Play.

• Katie Holmes says she’s ready for more kids. Holmes has just recently returned to acting with a role in the film Mad Money, which is currently filming in Louisiana. When questioned further about her child and plans for expanding her family, Holmes became nervous and had to ask for the script that her husband Tom Cruise had provided for her, before continuing the interview.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Pirates of the Caribbean 3 was still number one at the box office this past weekend. The film was still the top money maker despite only pulling in $43 million, a significant drop from previous weeks. Experts account for the box office drop off by noting that America’s attention was focused on more important, worldly issues such as the climbing death toll of Americans in Iraq… whoa! this just in, Lindsay Lohan is going back to rehab!

• The TV monitoring body, Nielson Co., has begun tracking commercial viewing. The move comes at a time when advertisers are increasingly skeptical of television advertising’s success with the debut of Digital Video Recorders. The first ratings will be released next week and it’s expected the commercial featuring that guy getting kicked in the nuts by the really hot chick showing a lot of cleavage will be number one.

• Dwayne Johnson, formerly known as the wrestler The Rock, is separating from his wife of 10 years, Dany Garcia Johnson.  According to friends of the couple, the main reason behind the split is that Garcia Johnson was tired of competing with his “wrestling partners” for The Rock’s affections.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• With the release of the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series looming, word has come out that Universal Studios will be opening a Harry Potter theme park in Florida.  Set to open in 2009, the park will feature many of the locations made famous by the book series created by J.K. Rowling.  While some of the rides are being kept secret, representatives have given the names of two rides – “Ride Harry’s Wand” and “Journey to the Center of Hermione:  A 3-D Adventure Motion Ride.”

• A Kansas City Radio Station is hoping to set the world record for largest ensemble performance by having over 2,000 guitarists play the same song. The song chosen for the event is Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water.” The fallout from the event is expected to set musicianship back 20 years.

• Apparently, most of the world thinks plans for a Dutch reality TV show in which gravely ill contestants battle over a new kidney is in bad taste. Producers are defending the show saying it will help promote organ donating. The producers also state that this idea is better than their original idea of contestants competing to win their children back from the hands of a convicted child molester. In related news, Fox has picked up a show based on the latter concept.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Director Tim Burton is interested in making a film based on the lives of Marilyn Manson and his soon-to-be ex-wife Dita Von Teese. Burton commented on the possibility by saying “I’m fascinated by Dita and Marilyn. They’re like a living Brothers Grimm fairytale.” Burton also said he hopes to cast Rosie O’Donnell in the role of Manson.

• Lindsay Lohan is off the wagon and back on the booze and coke. Fresh off a stint of wild parties, car crashes, arrests, puking in bushes and passing out in cars while paparazzi take her picture, Lohan will be entering the Promises rehab facility. Promises is the same rehab facility where Britney Spears recently stayed. Lohan said the reason behind her recent activities is not a result of a relationship ending but rather a reoccurring nightmare that Rosie O’Donnell is chasing after her with a fork and a butter knife.

• A re-united Police kicked off a new tour before 20,000 screaming fans in Vancouver, British Columbia.  The enthusiastic crowd cheered almost non-stop as the band rocked their way through a huge catalog of hits.  When asked how it felt to be back on stage, Sting said that it was “truly amazing.  I am looking forward to all of the shows… except the one in L.A. ‘cuz, you know, it’s hard to sing when you have a big, fat Rosie O’Donnell in the front row there… looking at you all hungry-like.”

• Former male model turned actor Marcus Schenkenberg has landed a role in the upcoming, fourth installment of the Terminator franchise.  At this time, it has not been announced what role Schenkenberg will be playing, but there is some speculation that he will be playing the role of a Terminator cyborg.  In related news, Rosie O’Donnell is really, really fat… oh, and she once ate a cyborg just to prove that she could. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Our newswriter is truly, madly, deeply infatuated with Rosie – this is also just a desperate cry for her attention)

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It appears that combative, talent-less former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell isn’t done with The View just yet.  O’Donnell, who prematurely left the show last week after an on-air spat with her co-host, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, fired one last parting salvo.  In a statement released to the press, O’Donnell emphatically claims that she “will NEVER speak to Hasselbeck again,” but went on to note that she would still “totally eat her.” ** DISCLAIMER**  We here at QSE news would like to point out that the previous joke was in no way a lesbian joke.  We were simply pointing out the fact that Ms. O’Donnell is a big fat woman who likes to eat people. (Editor’s Note: Our news writer has a massive crush on Rosie)

• According to his daughter, Steven Tyler may be thinking about ditching Aerosmith. Liv Tyler has reportedly been telling people that her dad will leave the band “because he can’t take how the rest of the band is treating him.” Steven Tyler himself has said in recent weeks that no one, not even his band, realize how much he does and that it takes a great amount of talent to screech like a woman being stabbed with a badger and to tie neckerchiefs perfectly around a microphone stand.

• The company that produces Svedka Vodka has pulled out of sponsoring Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming 21st birthday party in Las Vegas.  The announcement comes less than 2 days after Lohan was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence and crashing her car.  Surprisingly, though, one high-ranking executive with Svedka maintains that the company has withdrawn its sponsorship from Lohan’s party not because of the arrest, but rather, because of the hundreds of calls and instant messages from a drunken Lohan demanding that the company buy her a new liver.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• This past weekend marked the 30th anniversary of the release of the original Star Wars film. To celebrate the occasion, a convention was held in Los Angeles. Condom sales in the Los Angeles area saw a sharp decline, while fanny-pack sales reached an all time high.

• The new Pirates of the Caribbean film, At World’s End, was number one at the box office. The film brought in $142 million and set a record for best Memorial Day weekend debut. Fans were eager to see Keira Knightley reprise her role as a skeleton masquerading as a princess… or something like that.

• Actress Mischa Barton was rushed to the hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to medication she’s been taking for bronchitis. Hollywood insiders were sympathetic to Barton’s illness but also mentioned that the American public has been “allergic” to her for five years now.

• 20th Century Fox will be promoting the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, by putting an image of the Silver Surfer on the back of quarters. The 40,000 quarters were printed by the Franklin Mint and are being circulated with normal quarters.  When the 40,000 are finally seen by the American public, insiders believe that the number will be roughly four times the amount that will see the actual movie.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Producer Joel Silver is working to bring He-Man back to the big screen. The Mattel action figure was previously and disastrously turned into a feature film in the 80s starring Dolph Lundgren. Silver said that after the success of the film 300, the time is right “for mostly naked men prancing around and wrestling with each other.”

• Davis Guggenheim, the director of the Oscar winning film An Inconvenient Truth, has revealed plans to make a sequel to the hit documentary. According to sources the sequel will feature Al Gore getting his hands dirty by combating global warming with a shoulder mounted rocket launcher and a plucky sidekick named Short Round.

• One of the Olsen Twins is striking out on her own. Mary-Kate, better known as the creepy Olsen Twin, has been cast in Showtime’s Weeds. Olsen will play a religious girl with a wild side. Olsen has plenty of time for the new commitment as she has given up eating.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Talk show host, book pimp, and OG, Oprah Winfrey, is apparently upset by a book being penned by her father, Vernon Winfrey.  The subject of the book? Oprah Winfrey.  While not citing the specifics of her displeasure, sources close to Oprah say that she is most upset by the chapters “Born with a Weiner,” “Things I Put In Her Caboose,” “More Oprah Fat Jokes, Part 9” and “Did I Mention That She Was Born with a Wiener?”

• The Grateful Dead is getting its own radio station on Sirius satellite radio. The station will pull from the band’s entire catalog as well as music from the surviving members’ other projects. To help increase listenership of the new station, Sirius plans on sending out bags of high-quality marijuana to each new subscriber because, according to a Sirius programming chief, “no one can listen to that shit without it.”

• Michael Jackson is being paid £5 million to show up at a birthday party for HRH Prince Azim of Brunei. Despite the rather large sum of money paid to Jackson, the singer will not be performing during the party. Jackson decided to “not even really try to impress anyone” after he realized that the Prince was celebrating his 25th birthday.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• According to inside sources, three of the main characters in the upcoming film The Watchmen are about to be cast.  The Watchmen, based on the best selling graphic novel, tells the story about a world where superheros exist, but many have been forced to give up the mantle. Headlining the cast will be Jude Law as the smartest man on Earth, Ozymandias, and Keanu Reeves as the all powerful Doctor Manhattan.  With the pending singing of Reeves, the writers have been working furiously to dumb down Doctor Manhattan’s dialog and add in more instances of the exclamation “whoa.”

• Over the weekend, perpetually-tipsy American Idol judge Paula Abdul allegedly broke her nose in a fall. However, despite the injuries, Abdul is not expected to miss any of her American Idol duties. In a statement released to the press, Abdul noted that she “I… umm… just tripped. Over my Chihuahua.  I’m so clumsy.  I really should just be more careful.  Oh, and I don’t think I’ll question Simon’s sexuality anymore.”

• Angelina Jolie has announced that she will be taking a year off from acting to focus on her personal life with Brad Pitt and their children. In a statement to the press, Jolie stated, “acting is just such hard work. I mean, I have to get up, everyday, and work. Sometimes I even have to shoot two scenes in the same day. How am I supposed to care for my 45 children when I have to wait in my trailer all day until my stand-in finishes getting everything ready for me to say my lines?”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp was arrested this weekend on assault charges related to domestic violence. Stapp is being held without bail in the Palm Beach County Jail in Florida. Stapp was unavailable for comment but his parents released a statement saying “Scott is a good, Christian man and being a good, Christian man, he just really, really wants his pot roast to be cooked correctly and not over cooked.”

• Over the weekend, the first image of the Joker was revealed from the upcoming Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight.  The Joker, played by Heath Ledger, will feature horrendous scars on his face giving his trademark smile a more realistic appearance.  To gain inspiration for the gruesome new look, make up artists spent hours pouring over footage of Hilary Swank from her last film, The Reaping, and imagined what Ledger would have looked like had he tried to promote the movie Brokeback Mountain in the deep South.

• Britney Spears was caught lipsynching this past weekend at a concert in Florida. During the performance at Orlando’s House of Blues the taped skipped revealing Spears secret. Few in the crowd noticed as most in attendance were hoping to see her vagina.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Two plumbing companies are fighting over the right to use the phone number 867-5309. The number, made famous by the Tommy Tone song in the 80’s, is currently used by both companies, one locally and one as a toll-free, 800 number. In a bid to secure the rights to the number, each company has said it will change the name of every employee to “Jenny.”

• Before Donald Trump’s show could be canceled, Trump has quit. The Apprentice did not appear on the upcoming NBC Fall schedule and before official word could be handed down from NBC, Trump told the network that he would be moving on. It’s reported that Trump is planning on a steamy, adult, reality love story show featuring himself and money.

• Aussie rock band INXS is set to hit the studio this summer to record their next album, the second album released with J.D. Fortune on lead vocals. Fortune has been with the band for two years, ever since he won the televised singing contest Rock Star: INXS. After the release of the CD, record label executives have asked for Fortune to hang himself in a hotel room while masturbating, just like original INXS singer, Michael Hutchence, to drive sales.

• And finally, the reign of Spider-Man is over as the new Shrek movie was number one at the box office. Shrek the Third pulled in $122 million. Movie goers were delighted to see the same jokes from the first two films in a completely new order.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Apparently not everyone is happy with the new Spider-Man film. Peter Parker’s transformation into an emo-kid has upset emo-kid and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz. After hearing that people were comparing the darker portrayal of Parker with his own image, Wentz immediately locked himself in a room and cried while writing really emotional/crappy poetry to describe how hurt he was inside.

• Actor Gerard Butler has joined the cast of the upcoming prequel to Brian De Palma’s classic mobster movie, The Untouchables.  Butler, who is coming off a strong role as King Leonidas in the hit film 300, will be staring alongside Nicholas Cage, who will play the infamous Al Capone.  Butler accepted the role in the film despite the fact that he will be required to wear suits that hide his abs.  In related news, numerous horny women across the country have started a petition drive to require Butler’s character to wear only a loin-cloth.

• Rapper and comic book fan David Banner has auditioned for a role in the upcoming Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight.  Banner, who is trying to break into the world of acting, read for the part of a villain named Gamble.  In casting Banner, Warner Brothers hopes to capture the coveted demographic of 15 – 24-year-old, suburban, middle class, white males who wear baggy pants and have their oversized hats slightly askew.

• And finally, CW has announced its Fall Schedule and a couple of high profile shows did not make the cut.  Due to declining ratings, the cult hit Veronica Mars has been cancelled to make way for new shows.  According to network sources, the new shows will be “mainly stolen ideas from other networks and whatever successful European show hasn’t been re-done… and that NBC, ABC, CBS and FOX haven’t already taken.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Actor Thomas Jane has announced that he has dropped out of the upcoming sequel to the movie The Punisher.  According to Jane, he dropped out of the movie because he will not “spend months of my life sweating over a movie that I just don’t believe in.”  Jane’s departure has sent studio executives scrambling to fill the role, but they are reportedly close to signing on Phil Spector as the gun toting homicidal maniac.

• Reports indicate that Panic! At the Disco have already written eight new songs in preparation for the band’s next LP. The band’s debut album, A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out, has sold over a million copies. The band is trying to get a new record out as quickly as possible as many of their current fans are beginning to hit puberty and will soon be too old to think that the band is “way cool.”

• Actor Elijah Wood has been cast as rocker Iggy Pop in a new movie about the musician’s life. Pop, who is the lead singer of the seminal punk band The Stooges, has been making music for several decades and has seen success both with his band and as a solo artist.  To prepare for the role, Wood has been consulting with model Kate Moss and her boyfriend Pete Doherty to ensure that he nails Pop’s emaciated appearance and storied drug usage.

• And finally, CBS has announced its Fall Schedule and a couple of high profile shows did not make the cut.  Due to declining ratings, Jericho has been cancelled to make way for new shows.  According to network sources, the new shows will be “mainly stolen ideas from other networks and whatever successful European show hasn’t been re-done… and that NBC and ABC haven’t already taken.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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