Category: Joe Corey’s Party Favors

CLEVELAND – Once again the losers that control the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame have chosen a few names out of the nearly 100 groups that deserve such an honor. While it’s nice they named Patti Smith and Van Halen, how can they not slide in Iggy and the Stooges? Where’s Thin Lizzy or Kiss?

What’s outrageous is the inclusion of R.E.M.

R.E.M. does not deserve the honor on the first ballot. I’m not an original hater of the band. One of my prized records is an original Hibtone 45 of “Radio Free Europe.” I hung out backstage with them during the Fables of the Reconstruction Tour. But R.E.M. has been running on their reputation fumes for nearly 15 years. When was the last time you really wanted to hear Monster? Is “Shiny Happy People” really Rock and Roll? Or a lost Soupy Sales single?

R.E.M. started out as that scrappy jangle pop band that challenged the bloated rock dinosaurs. But 25 years later, they are the rock stars they hated. Peter Buck’s antics on the airplane weren’t part of that awe shucks movement. It was a Tommy Lee moment. A lawyer has asked me to avoid any mention of Michael Stipe’s ventures. Beyond their personal lives, is the group’s recent recording history. R.E.M. has done more damage than good for the music industry. Everyone loves to rag on Axl Rose and how much he’s cost his label to create the still not released Chinese Democracy. Allegedly the costs topped $12 million before the label stopped picking up the studio bills. R.E.M. signed a 5 album contract that pays $80 million. That’s $16 million per record that Warners has to pony up. And the three records they’ve turned over to Warners have sold half a million copies each in America. They’ve produced Glitter three times for Warners. Yet nobody gives Stipe the same crap that Axl gets for outrageous costs. When Chinese Democracy comes out, it will sell as much as Up, Reveal and Around the Sun combined. Which isn’t that much a number.

How many Warner acts have been screwed because of R.E.M.’s outrageous contract and pathetic returns? There’s only so much pie on the dessert cart and it seems earmarked for Athens, GA. How many people had to eat Ramen noodles because Up went down? Rock is dead and R.E.M. killed it.

It’s not even like the R.E.M. catalog sells like Steve Miller. You’re more likely to hear them on The Simpsons than your radio dial. They had their glory days in the early 90s, but so did Hootie and the Blowfish.

At some point, R.E.M. should go into the Hall of Fame. But are they first ballot? No. If they were up for the Baseball Hall of Fame, they’d be sitting next to Mark McGwire. They’re the Ken Griffey, Jr. of baseball. But ultimately R.E.M. got elected for that single reason that matters to the Hall – rubes willing to pay thousands of bucks to eat rubber chicken and watch two songs. I doubt during their induction we will be reminded how they’ve made $48 million on three records that hardly anyone hums on the subway. We’ll hear about their charitable ways and noble causes, but there’s no greater charitable person than the guy who has to cut the $16 million check to Buck, Mills and Stipe.

SNARK THE CRAP BOX

Shame on the living members of The Clash for allowing Cingular to use “Rock the Casbah.” One of the defiant power songs of the ’80s has been reduced down to two goofs arguing if it’s about rockin’ the cashbox or the catbox. Remember when the Clash had a rebel dignity to their ways? Now they’d rather be jokes of the Western World. This is worse than when their music was used to pimp Jags and booze. At least those ads tried to make their subjects as cool as the songs. The Cingular advertisement is pure dork. Is this Mick Jones’ revenge on the late Joe Strummer?

Someone needs to be publicly executed for Target’s butchering of the Beatles’ “Hello Goodbye.” I’ve always enjoyed Target’s use of songs in their ads. They’ve got better taste than any Clear Channel robotron programmer. But all that good will has been pissed away when a woman sings, “Good Buy” while products flash across the screen.  Why? Why did they have to inflict damage on a song? I’d expect this from Wal-Mart or K-Mart. Not Target. What’s next? “The Crazy Eddie on the Hill?” “I Am the Half-Priced Walrus?” “IKEA’s Norwegian Wood Suite?”  SNL‘s Sold Out Gold continues.

SMELL THE SUCK

If the first big sketch on SNL is MTV 4, turn the channel. The show is bound to suck if this piece of filler is considered “A” material.

SEC CAVUTO

The Magic 8 Ball says “It Is Certain” that Fox’s business maven Neil Cavuto will be splitting the network to be Secretary of the Treasury for presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

Even though Neil is in the process of setting up the Fox Business Channel, he’s been cultivating his relationship with Mitt. The ex-Gov. is a favorite guest on his My World show. By 2009, the network should be online and Cavuto will be ready to jump to D.C.  Fox Chief Roger Ailes has let his employees know that if they split the network to serve a GOP president, they can always come back.

The Magic 8 Ball confirms that Neil can’t give up the shot at being the man whose signature is on the U.S. dollar. Expect to see more Mitt exclusives on Fox News in the coming two years.

BLACK LIKE HE

Larry Wilmore, known for his black perspective moments on Comedy Central’s Daily Show, deserves his own show. The man has me howling with every visit. His take on Martin Luther King Day was gold. Why don’t white folks feel guilty if they don’t spend George Washington’s birthday reading about the Father of Our Country?

YUMMY LENTILS

Kudos for E!’s The Soup host Joel McHale getting to be a judge on Iron Chef America. Damn shame he got stuck on “Battle Lentils.” I can’t help but remember Neil and his lentils on The Young Ones. But Joel put the insanity into the US version that is essential to enjoying the Japanese version. His best line was telling Chef Mario Batali that he’d order an entree without even using a coupon.  The folks at the Food Channel need more off the wall judges on the show instead of foodsie owls. Book Larry Wilmore, now!

HOW LONG IS TODAY?

Why doesn’t NBC just change its name to TodayBC? A fourth hour of Today Show is coming up. That means local stations can have a whole hour of programming before it’s time to start the noon news. And then in some markets the evening news starts at 4 p.m. Does every station want to turn into CNN & Fox News? What’s the point of being a sick kid when all that’s on TV at home is the news? If you want to hear people talk crap you don’t understand, why not go to school? Whatever happened to gameshows with Nipsy Russell?

Soon all NBC will be is Today Show, Law & Order and Deal or No Deal. Guess that keeps Jeff Zucker’s life simple. Maybe they’ll have a crossover episode where joggers outside 30 Rock have to figure out which suitcase has the body.

NBC has proceeded to destroy cable TV with their crappy programming philosophy of “Marathons are the bestest!” While it might be nice to have Bravo on my cable box, their schedule seems loaded with marathons of Top Chefand Project Runway. You’re better off just waiting for the DVD sets to come out. Who needs Bravo when you can just play at home with Netflix?

WORST FATHER OF THE YEAR

Down in Raleigh, there’s an annual tradition of The Christmas Carol being put on by Ira David Wood. It’s the big family entertainment moment of the season. Now you might not know Ira David Wood, but his daughter is Evan Rachel Wood, star of Thirteen. She’s now being accused in the scandal rags of alienating the affection between Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese.

It must be great to wake up knowing that your daughter is sleeping with a rumored drug addict, washed up aging shock rocker who dumped his hot fetish model wife after less than a year of marriage. Here’s a tip, after she and Marilyn visit your house, replace the toilet seat. Don’t spray it with Scrubbing Bubbles. Yank it out and screw fresh plastic down to the bowl. Or better yet, just replace the entire fixture. And sterilize everything in the house with a flame thrower.

I apologize to the parents whose sons are now on I Love New York.  At least your kids aren’t sucking face with a nostalgia act.

How could a girl who grew up performing clean family shows find herself attracted to Manson? I blame her father. All those years she was backstage at A Christmas Carol, she probably developed a fetish for the creepy Ghost of Christmas Future. He’s the spooky ghost with the boney fingers, pale face, dark eyes and the black shroudy clothes. Daddy inadvertently put her on the road to meet the man who wrote The Long Road Out of Hell. The trouble is that Manson at this point of his career is more like the Ghost of Christmas Past. He’s got a standing invite to move into The Surreal Life house.

What really cracks me up is that Marilyn Manson sold himself as Mr. Debauchery. He’s beyond the uptight morality of Bible Thumpers that used to make an effort to picket his show. But yet, he sneaks off and bangs a young gal while his wife stays at home. He’s no better than those losers he disdained from high school that got jobs selling real estate. You’d figure the stories would be how Miss Wood crawled into the bed with him and Dita and a petting zoo and a tub of pudding. You’d expect there to be holiday cards with the two gals wrapped in red ribbons beneath a Black Christmas tree. But no. He’s no smoother than the manager of a Taco Bell in Canton, Ohio that uses the “working late” excuse to bang a community college drop out cashier.

Who are we supposed to idolize as evil anti-heroes in America when Mr. Antichrist Superstar has to pay for a divorce lawyer like KFed?

BURNING PUCKS

When will the New Jersey Devils make the greatest trade in the history of sports to get Miroslav Satan? Now Satan is playing for the Islanders – so at least he’s ruling in a Hellhole. Can the folks in the Meadowlands not see how much cash they’d get from Satan’s Devil’s jersey? I’d buy one and I hate Jersey (screw you, Scott Stevens). Pull the trigger and give the Dark Lord his moment at the rink. You’ll move product.

DRINK UP

If actors who had small roles in The Sopranos and Law & Order played each other in softball, it might look like Beer League (out on DVD).  This is about a bunch of folks who love to drink and play softball. The film stars Artie Lange, so you know this is not family entertainment.

It co-stars Ralph Macchio as Artie’s sober buddy. How does the Karate Kid play second bill to Howard Stern’s chuckle buddy? It would have been better if the producers had begged Ralph to pull a Raging Bull and pack on 100 pounds to take the lead. Hopefully this movie will get Ralph a little more attention so that he can become a regular actor on Law & Order.

Anthony DeSando is hilarious as Artie’s nemesis. When he prances around in his Speedo while directing Artie where to mow his yard, you almost buy this film as a comedy. Seymour Cassel also gets a laugh now and then as Artie’s coach. Not to be missed is porn veteran Keisha as “the Pitching Machine” during the bachelor party.

Perhaps this is supposed to be Artie’s version of Ernest Borginine’s Marty. But there’s less meat in this film. Artie’s best acting moments involve him sucking down booze. He has a natural chemistry with shot glasses and beer mugs.  While the film is far from Oscar-worthy, it’s more entertaining than Beerfest and Benchwarmers. Don’t watch this movie sober.

The bonus features should be outtakes from an upcoming episode of Intervention. It’s amazing how much they cleaned up Artie to act in the film versus how he appears during his press tour. Oddly enough, no clips from Artie plugging the movie on Howard’s radio show.

BRING ON THE VICE

I’m stoked to see seasons 3 & 4 of Miami Vice coming out on March 20th. These are episodes I didn’t watch since they aired when I had an actual social life and didn’t linger around the dorms on Friday nights. I’m told that this is when they blew up Sonny’s black faux-Ferrari. I don’t know if I can handle such a tragic sight. Does anyone know if Philip Michael Thomas sings in these episodes. Why isn’t he in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame with Don Johnson? Jann Werner once said that Don Johnson was a “Rock & Roll star” on the cover of the Rolling Stone.

Coming out on DVD at the end of the month is the sixth and final installment of Benny Hill’s Thames series. These are episodes that never aired in my neighborhood so it’ll be interesting to see how Benny’s final days played out. The sad part is there was no farewell episode since the rat bastards at Thames sacked Benny after an episode, without warning.

Lucky Louie, Louis CK’s HBO series gets the complete series package. It’s a shame that they pulled the plug on the show. I’ve sent out questions to Louis CK to plug the DVD, but he hasn’t responded. However, porn legend Keisha replied to my questions about her ping pong ball work in Beer League:

No, I can’t really do that, the a.d. was down by my pussy throwing the balls by hand. But it was really fun to be in the movie.

Kisses,
Keisha

DUBLIN, OHIO – My new year’s resolution is to not have a torrid affair with Angelina Jolie. I’m going to do my best to make sure that I don’t seduce the U.N. goodwill ambassador. I don’t want to see myself on the cover of People Magazine with a headline declaring, “World’s Sexiest Man?” I don’t want Brad to see the videos of what Angelina and I did at the petting zoo. He doesn’t need to witness how I licked off her tattoos.

For the sake of America, I better keep this resolution. A torrid affair with Rosario Dawson is permitted. In fact, Pat Robertson called me to say that Jesus text messaged him and the only way to prevent a terrorist attack is for Rosario Dawson to show up at the Corey Estate with a bottle of absinthe and lot of sugar cubes. I’ll have the matches ready. The fate of the world depends on it. I’m only doing this to save the world, Rosario.

LUCAS LOVES HIM SOME EVIL

What does it say about George Lucas that as Grand Marshall of the Rose Parade, he surrounded himself with Imperial Stormtroopers? Does this mean that when Spielberg gets the honor to play tribute to the 30th anniversary of Raiders of the Lot Ark, he’ll have a bunch of Nazis goose-stepping through Pasadena?

Not that I don’t expect a tribute to Star Wars to not include Darth Vader and the Stormtroopers, but Lucas looked like the Emperor. Which side was George on? Does he love his mindless killing machines more than his rebels?

And do we really need Raiders of the Lost AARP? I’ve heard this fourth installment involves Indy’s grandkids hiding the remote control and he’s got to uncover it before Matlock starts. Harrison Ford is going to be older than the relics when production starts. At least they’ll have the technology to CGI-erase Ford’s walker out of the chase scenes. ILM is already working on a cutting edge Depends for him. Maybe they’ll hire Gene Hackman to play Indy’s younger brother?

CURE THIS!

Have we really become a nation being tortured by Restless Leg Syndrome? I kept thinking this was just the set up for sneakers or action vacations. But nope. They’re pushing pills for people whose legs say, “You haven’t worn me out.” The nice part is that this pills might cause vomiting, constipation, and difficulty in urinating. Sure my pillow is covered in puke, but my legs are well rested.  Maybe soon they’ll have a cure for that itching feeling I get in my palm when it touches a $20 bill. And what about a telethon to find a cure for why I can’t help staring at a waitress’s breasts when she’s working at Hooters? Isn’t that a cause that Angelina Jolie can be an ambassador for?

ACCEPT YOUR FATE

Why do I keep catching cable channels announcing that they “have the network television premiere” of a movie? Comedy Central is promoting Napoleon Dynamite with that claim and it is so wrong. Comedy Central is not a Network. It’s a frickin’ channel.  Here’s a little test to show if you’re a network: Do you have to provide breaks in your programming schedule so that your local affiliates can run their shows? Do your stars have to make announcements to pimp local morning shows that are part of your network? Do you, Comedy Central? You don’t. You are a cable channel. Dumont was a network. Pax-TV was a network. While “I” is barely a network with its rehash of TVLand, it’s still a network. On the other hand, TVLand is a cable channel – just like you.

Comedy Central needs to admit what they will be running: The cable television premiere of Napoleon Dynamite that will be constantly interrupted with commercials for Head On, Steve Perry’s Greatest Hits and the Mind of Mencia. For the first time in the history of the world, someone will turn on a TV set and it will take two hours for them to watch the 82 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite (probably even less of the movie since you’ll be speeding up the end titles). Put that in your promo, Comedy Central – or is the truth too serious for your Onion flavored panties?

MY NEW DIET

In order to lose weight, I’m not eating anything with Rachael Ray’s face on the box.

TASTE OF THE MONTH

Have you tried the Forbidden Black Rice? Why is it forbidden? Cause it’s just that damn good.

I’ve never encountered this food until Chef Daniel Taylor at the Underground (in Raleigh) used it as a bedding for my grilled cod entree. And I’ve grown addicted to it. The taste reminds me if black beans and rice were mutated into each other. The pellets go down smooth. If you can’t make the drive to Raleigh to get it served just right, you can find bags from Lotus brands for sale online. This is my pick food for 2006. Eat it now before it’s used on Iron Chef.

The other night I was watching Iron Chef and the mystery food was Maine lobster. Talk about a food battle I would have lost. Why? Because I would turn it into a speed eating contest. Maybe not complete speed. I’d savour all those lobster tails and claws and knuckles and fin and body meat…. I’d need three bibs for the feast. All that would served on the plates to the judges will be shells and diced antenna flavored with my burps.

NO GRAFT FOR ME!

How come Court TV didn’t send me a $30 gift card? Am I not good enough for them to bribe? Well guess what Court TV, if you want coverage in the “Party Favors,” the price is now $300 worth of a gift card to Hardees! And I want front row seats for the KFed vs. Brit divorce.

And why is CourtTV running Beach Patrol? What exactly does San Diego lifeguards have to do with the gavel action? Why doesn’t this channel at least run Perry Mason episodes? Did Raymond Burr not spend enough time in a Speedo for the Court TV braintrust?

GIFT CARD FUN

If you’ve got a couple giftcards steaming up your wallet, here’s a couple seasonal treats worth getting. Fantagraphics has put out the Peanuts compete comics from 1959 – 1962. This is the third boxset in the series. The big highlight is the birth of Charlie Brown’s sister Sally. The Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, Volume Four brings out another 60 Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons. The big tribute is to director Frank Tashlin. Frank’s live action work can be found in the Jayne Mansfield Collection that has The Girl Can’t Help It and Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter. Frank used his animation background to make sure Jayne’s bosom played out like an elastic cartoon.  And finally there’s Leonard Maltin’s continuing Disney Treasures DVD series. This sixth wave features the second half of the Silly Symphonies and The Complete Pluto.

Did anyone get a gift card to a liquor store?

DROP THE BALL

Someone needs to stop the NFL Network from running college bowl games. What is the point of calling yourself the NFL Network and then showing NCAA games? Your name promises pro football 24/7/365. Stick with the promise.

And please promise to redo your booth crew for your exclusive games. Bryant Gumbel is the smuggest jerk to ever wear the headphones. He’s too busy making sure we know that he’s stooping to talk to us. You can hear his eyes rolling everytime he has to interrupt his wit to explain what’s going on in the game. And putting him in the booth with Dick Vermeil is a narcoleptic’s dream. During the Chief’s game, Dick was barely audible. I’m guessing he was spending most of his time making sure the booth door was locked to keep Al Davis from busting his head with a baseball bat. Dick and Bryant’s voices are made for pledge breaks on NPR – not pumping up the game. Next season, the NFL Network better hire people who sound like they live for football and not a private jet to whisk them away to a private golf resort.

During the pre-game show on the NFL Network, Deion Sanders declared he could be a head football coach without ever serving as an assistant. How exactly will he teach tackling? How can he berate a player for finishing a game without a grass stain on his pants? And will he really be able to fine a player for showboating? Will his coaching philosophy be, “Do as I say. Ignore what I did in all those NFL films!”

DUDES GONE STUPID

How sad and pathetic are men that they are willing to go on I Love New York? I can almost come up with logic for Flavor of Love. Those women did grow up with the sight of Flavor Flav rapping around his giant clock on Yo! MTV Raps! It’d be like Who Wants to Boff Fish? on TVLand. You can imagine grandma wanting to knock boots with Abe Vigoda. I’d even enter Who Wants to Be A Golden Girls’ Bitch Boy. But New York? Talk about a woman with absolutely zero saving graces. A black widow killer has more charms. I’d rather be begging for the affection of any of the ladies from the Hookers at the Point series. At least they provide true services to the community.

If your son is a finalist on I Love New York, you were an awful parent. The people down the street whose twin daughters got butt naked in a shower for Girls Gone Wild did a better job of raising their children than you. Just admit that you raised a skank of a son. I’d rather turn on the TV and see my son appear on Jerry Springer professing his love to a transvestite meth mouth beauty. That would be a step up from your son tonguing New York’s neck.

THE BIRTH OF CARROT?

While watching Your Host, Walt Disney, part of the Disney Treasures DVD series, there’s a great moment where Ed Wynn starts pulling out comic props to show off for the cast of Babes in Toyland. He’s got a giant lighter with an arrow on top that points to the nearest guy with matches amongst his jokes. Do you know what this means?

Ed Wynn is CarrotTop’s daddy! Or CarrotTop merely stole Ed Wynn’s material.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

How did we usher in the New Year before every element of Time Square was sponsored by a major company? Was there a company logo on each piece of confetti? Carson Daly did give Dick Clark a run for the title of Crypt Keeper 2007.

TRUMPED

Ever notice that Donald Trump only gets into spats with people that the public can’t embrace? Mark Cuban – an annoying sports fan. Rosie – everyone’s favorite Chinese translator. The City of Palm Beach – thanks for your ballots. Trump knows that if he dared to butt heads with someone that didn’t already alienate a crowd, he’d be on his ass. Picking sides in a Trump fight is like a Peta member putting down a bet at a cockfight.

And Donnie Deutsch has to be the biggest suck up in talkshow history since Sammy Maudlin left the air. When he interviewed Trump, it was like a vacuum cleaner infomercial as he sucked up to the “man who saved NBC.”

STUDIO CITY –I can’t believe Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were driving around in LA in the same car. Imagine what would happen to the tabloids if a wayward cement mixer slammed into them? Sure there’d be a few weeks of specials about their tragic fate and jokes about Paris taking a final load to the face. But then where would Extra and Access Hollywood go for their news? Sienna Miller? Would they dip to CW stars? We’d have a national gossip crisis.

The government needs to step in and prevent these trio from traveling together. They don’t let the guys who know the secrets to Coke and KFC’s original recipe on the same plane. Paris, Brit & Lohan must take the same precautions.  They can never know when Nicole Ritchie is going to be heading their way.

THE BEST GIFT

There’s only one DVD set on my list to Santa: Saturday Night Live: The Complete First Season. Finally after years of wanting to get more than those paltry best of a performer titles, they got it right.

What always ticked me off was that even when the early episodes aired in reruns, They had been pruned down to fit an hour long time slot. And the biggest victim of the edits was Michael O’Donoghue – known around the world as the beloved Mr. Mike. Now he’s back and putting nails in his eyes.  The only downside of this set: Chevy Chase. Was everyone in America doing cocaine so they thought he was funny in the 70s?

I can’t really review the set since it’s wrapped up and under the tree. But I know it’s there. Forget PS-3. This is the only must have gift.

THEY’RE NOT PREDICTIONS

Can the jerks doing the write ups of various movie awards quit using them as an Oscar scorecard? Could they refrain from comparing how the organizations picks in 2005 compared to the Oscar winners?

So what if the greater Boise critics didn’t name Crash as best film of the year. Does that make them somehow wrong because they didn’t match the ballot turned in by a semi-retired character actor? These critics vote for the films they liked. This is not like Dr. Z’s preseason Super Bowl predictions. You are allowed to mock any sportswriters that declared we’d be seeing Miami vs. Carolina in the big game this year. Those people were wrong.

Don’t think that you can’t look at a critics award and ask “are you nuts?” if you think the film they chose stunk. These morons can get caught up in the hype.  I still hold to the belief that you should wait five years before declaring what movie was the best of the year.

It is disappointing to see that the Hollywood Foreign Press refused to give a best supporting actor nomination to the Great Jackie Earle Haley for Little Children. Why should we expect anything good to come out of this pack of imported weasels? Was he not glamorous enough for the SoCal correspondent of Albania’s Big Crank Camera Stars Monthly? It’s up to you, American actors that belong to the Academy to make sure you watch Little Children when the DVD arrives and decide if Jackie Earle Haley is worthy of your ballot. I’m not telling you how to vote, Abe Vigoda. I’m just letting you know what you need to watch to make your vote count.

HMMMMMMM

Is Jabberjaw a gay icon?

Why do I get the sense E.D. Hill, the Fox News hostess, had the sorority nickname was “Ol’ Chemical Castration?”

FAST WAKING

What the heck is Showtime doing burning all 8 episodes of Sleeper Cell in 8 straight nights? I was hoping to follow the undercover operation along with the girl-girl action of L Word. But now all the series is over in one swift motion.

This isn’t a complaint since it’s nice to be able to just work through the series OnDemand-style without waiting a week for another episodes to pop up. If you’ve finished watching the fourth season of The Wire (which was the greatest series of the year), take a little time to follow the exploits of Agent Darwin. Also be shocked to discover that Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi wants to destroy us. Save us, Ed Helms!

BLAHCATS

How the hell did Bob Johnson screw up pro basketball in Charlotte? Have you caught any Bobcat highlights on SportsCenter? Pretty sad seeing all those empty seats. When the Hornets got started in North Carolina, they had a lot of regional support, constantly sold out and moved a lot of teal merchandise. And the Hornets were packin’ them in until their owner George Shinn pissed off the locals with his antics. But the NBA knew that if the Charlotte fans wanted to see pro hoops so they gave them another franchise and put the founder of BET in charge.

And after a three years, nobody in North Carolina gives a crap about them. The team sports two UNC legends plus the second coming of Larry Bird’s mustache on Adam Morrison. No one cares. Why? I blame Bob Johnson for naming the team. Because who cares about Bobcats in this state? And the uniforms are ugly with this alleged “Bobcat Orange” and blue. There’s nothing glamorous or fun about this team. Johnson and minority owner Michael Jordan need to rename the team and swap the color combos. Right now the Washington Generals have more clout in the fashion world.

WHY PENN?

After watching the preview to NBC’s new gameshow Indentity I can guess what that show used to be called: What’s My Line. I think Dorothy Kilgallen wants to call “Bullsh*t” on Penn Jillette. Why is NBC turning into GSN? Can’t they just expand the Today Show another 10 hours to cover prime time? It is going to be interesting to see how NBC’s Thursday night comedy block is going to deal with an Ugly Betty that isn’t a rerun.

NBC’s going to have a monster game show when they introduce Richard Simmons hosting “Guess What’s In My Gym Shorts.”

OH ASIA

Finally got saw The Heart Is a Deceitful Above All Things (Palm Pictures) and Asia Argento still has a flair for making the outrageous seem insane. In this case she adapted what was supposed to be the autobiography of JT LeRoy. The young man was supposed to have been turned into a street hustler by his junkie mom. This was his weird passage. The problem was that before this film was released, JT was exposed as a fraud. A middle aged woman had created the persona and duped a lot of famous folks into buying her performance piece.

But that doesn’t lessen this film since it’s so over the top that it’s hard to believe it really happened. Her father Dario Argento became known for his elegant creeping camera dollies that pushed his horror flicks. Asia is raw in her camera style. It’s like she wants to get straight to the performances rather than wait half the day to perfect a camera movement. Asia plays the mother and comes off as a if Courtney Love was a shagged out, self-abusing, evil mother. Or maybe she’s just playing Courtney Love. Between this and Scarlet Diva, Asia is cinema’s great emotional disaster queen. And she gets great performances out of the various kids that played the JT character. She had the Sprouse twins (Dylan and Cole), best known for swapping off in Big Daddy do a lot more work than Adam Sandler required.

This is probably not a good choice for a DVD to play on Christmas day. But if you enjoy a nice tawdry tale of a child who think Dickens’ characters had it easy, it’s worth renting.

A CHANNEL WITH PURPOSE

Lately too many niche cable channels have abandoned their format in order to whore themselves out to run movies. The Cartoon Network was running Snow Day, a very unanimated flick. TVLand started showing movies that weren’t made for TV, but seemed lifted from USA’s schedule. VH1 showed The Godfather as a “movie that rocked.” And Women’s Entertainment (We) keeps running Eddie Murphy’s Boomerang as if it was The Burning Bed 2. I’d like to remind these channels that if they have a name that reflects a certain kind of programming – stick to it, idiots! I know it’s easy to slap on a movie that TNT normally runs, but you’re not TNT. Sad enough that AMC rarely shows a movie that could be considered an American Movie Classic.

At least the Speed Channel got it right with their Lost Drive-In series. First off they are programming movies that deal with motor vehicles. The other night I caught Hell’s Angels on Wheels with Jack Nicholson as a biker who wants to roll with a tough crowd. Upcoming titles include The Getaway, The Hollywood Knights and The Great Race. Damn shame they channel is family friendly cause it’s be nice to see The Van and Van Nuys Blvd in the Lost Drive-In, but those R-rated Crown International Classics would need quite a bit of pruning to make it past standards.

THAT’S NOT ME

Is the new Amp’d Mobile ad declaring that “Joe Corey bought a new Amp’d Mobile”? They have a bald guy talking to the camera claiming to be me. Cause I haven’t bought one. How dare this company rip off my name to push their cellphone without compin’ me. I haven’t felt this burned since Paris Hilton swore she put my digits into her Sidekick. When the hack happened, nobody called me cause I wasn’t in there. She had frickin’ CarrotTop’s number. She even had Southwest Air’s reservation number.

A Southwest stewardess told us that she was working a flight with Val Kilmer flying the bus with wings. She said that Val was pissed off when he was asked to pay for his alcoholic beverage. Towards the end of the flight, the stewardess nicely asked for his autograph. He wanted to charge her for his signature in an attempt to get his booze money back. May I remind Val that I gave him the finger for free instead of demanding a refund for my ticket to Batman Forever. You think anyone calls him Batman when he’s waiting in the Southwest cattle chute?

MORE CRUD IN THE AIR

Does anyone really want HD radio? The local Klear Khannel station is pushing it hard with the promise of all those amazing unheard stations. But if I really don’t care to listen to your lame prime station, what are the chances that those mystery channels are going to be programmed any better? It’s not like they’re going to hire anymore DJs. Recently Klear Khannel has been firing voices all over the dial across the nation. What’s really the substance of these bonus signals? Sounds like it’s just a central feed from headquarters. It’s just “free” cable radio and not even the fun stations. Imagine free cable if it was only shopping and religious channels.

Who needs HD radio when AM is where the action still is.

SALT LAKE CITY – Screw Sundance!!!!

After being told that Moving Midway was a sure pick for the upcoming festival, we got Michiganed! The rejection notice arrived on Monday. And the tears flowed from my eyes. It was sad that Godfrey Cheshire wouldn’t be able to complete his transformation from film reviewer to filmmaker by holding up the Grand Prize from Robert Redford.  This was his movie. He fought his hardest to keep this pure to his vision no matter what others told him. And now he has been told by Sundance – we don’t need to show that in our festival.

What is getting shown instead of the Cheshire family home moving movie? A documentary about a guy who died when he let a horse cornhole him. Yep. We lost out to a Kentucky Derby tribute to Oz.

This was going to be my year. I already had 2007 circled as the year I become the new Kevin Federline. I had already bought a pair of snow boots. But now it’s all off. Redford won’t return my calls. No elk hunting. No skiing. No back massages from Thora Birch. No calling him, Bob. I was going to be an indie superstar and now all January holds for me watching a guy get an award for the evils of horse sex. Who did this to me? There’s only one person I can blame: Godfrey Cheshire.

It was his movie. He told us that all the time. What happened to this man’s genius? Here’s a guy who has reviewed thousands of movies. How if given a chance to finally tell his cinematic story did he crap out to a horse screwing a man to death? Maybe he could enter it in a festival that has a “no animals banging humans” policy.

I look like the idiot praising Godfrey and his film. I’m sorry, global readers. I promise that next time I produce a film, it’s with someone who can deliver the goods. If I knew what the competition was like, I would have done a reshoot by rubbing Crisco on my butt and hooking up with the horse that played Sea Biscuit. Sure it would have looked out of place, but you’d remember it. Cause I’m driven for success!

BLOWIN’ UP WITH BOURDAIN

Have I not pointed out that the best “reality show” episode of the year was Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations when the chef found himself stuck in Beirut during the period the Israelis bombed the town. It was the Graham Greene experience as Bourdain and is crew sat by a hotel pool watching the missiles explode on buildings below.

When I first encountered Bourdain on the Food Channel. I watched three minutes, took a dislike to the guy and turned off the show. He struck me as an egotistical prick. But when I saw a promo for his Beirut adventure, I wanted to see what happens when a food show turns into a combat photography crew.

Bourdain’s journey which started out with joyful nightlife and ended with him being evacuated on a beach was amazing. The only thing it lacked to be a true Graham Greene experience is a failed torrid romance. After watching the show, I grabbed the library card and picked up Kitchen Confidential and A Cook’s Tour. Both books were devoured like courses at the French Laundry. He doesn’t brag that he’s the greatest chef in America. He’s quick to mention current chefs that he holds in esteem.

After reading the books, I felt relieved that I had never entered the food service industry. The baseball legend Stan Musuel once said that the secret to making a million dollars in the restaurant business is to start with two million dollars. Bourdain confirmed that it’s a nasty business. Also working the kitchen was a great way to have you hands lose that Palmolive smoothness.

On my list of things to do: Drink booze with Bourdain and jabber about Simpsons episodes. I’d wear an onion in my belt and bring twelve pounds of nutmeg as a gift.

SLAP ‘EM HARDER

Does My Super Sweet 16 collect the most conceited bunch of teenage girls in the history of television? How can a girl pick out an SUV because it matches her sunglasses. Or think their dad can book Green Day for their birthday party. The best was the girl who wanted Eminem. The guy hasn’t toured in a few years and he’s going to make a comeback for your bitchfest?  Maybe you can get D-12 for $75K. Do these gals understand the value of a dollar? Of course not. Although in a few years, they’ll be keeping track of twenties as they find themselves being videotaped by Brent Owens at the Point.

I want to have MTV rework this show so that on the morning of their birthday, these girls and their best friends all get jetted out to Iraq so they can “party” in Baghdad. Give ’em a bag of goodies, a map and best wishes for them to make it to the Green Zone.

BAG ‘EM, SANTA

If you only get one freakish holiday film this year, let it be Santa’s Slay. Basically it tells the story of how Santa went bad and slaughters everyone. Wrestling great Goldberg plays homicidal St. Nick. The opening scene alone is worth the rental as he butchers a family dinner including Chris Kattan and James Caan. It’s a short film so it mixes well with egg nogg.

GREEN NO MORE

It’s disgusting to see Rolling Rock beer ads that link the formerly fine green glass to St. Louis. Even more pathetic is knowing that instead of being brewed in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, the folks at Budweiser are making it in Newark, New Jersey. Is that a hint of jet fuel run off that I’m now tasting? Or is it merely the subtle decomposition of a former Tony Soprano business associate?

Rolling Rock, you no longer are a welcome guest in my fridge. Thanks for killing the joy, Budweiser dorks.

KRAMER RANT

The war on Festivus is on. Seems that a lot of people are angry that Festivus has passed Kwanza as America’s favorite 20th century winter holiday. So now they’ve blown out Michael Richards’ meltdown as to a reason to boycott anything Seinfeld related. As we all know, this is a major blow since Seinfeld was second only to Scarface in influencing rappers.

What’s worse is that now I’m unsure if it’s OK to invite minorities to my annual Festivus party. Is it now as wrong as inviting them to a cross burning with the BYO Marshmallows notice? Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were on my invite list.

Let us keep Festivus as Festivus. We need to remember that it’s about Kramer and not Michael Richards. Although it is important to note that Michael Richards should be the guest of honor at every Festivus celebration. During the Airing of Grievances, it’s pretty easy to state how he disappointed us this season.

Is John Gibson going to help me protect Festivus?

WHAT’S ON TV NOW?

With The Wire, Dexter and Nip/Tuck all coming to the end of their short seasons, what will I be watching in January? Probably have to get drunk and watch American Idol with Mrs. Corey. Hopefully this season some kid will perform “Pac-Man Fever.”

SATURDAY MORNING FUN BLITZ

If you’re looking for gifts for folks who grew up in the 70s, you should dip into vintage Saturday morning shows that are now out on DVD. Groovie Goolies: Saturday Mourning Collection has all the episodes of this monsters meets Laugh-In series. Nothing too scary for the kids with Drac, Frankie and Wolfie telling goofy jokes and rockin’ out. Return to the Planet of the Apes collects all 13 episodes of this spin off of monkeys ruling the world. The show is much better than the live action TV series. Star Trek: The Animated Series finally lets me see this painted show that features the voice of Shatner and Nimoy. Why does this series get hidden in the closet and spited by Klingon speaking goofs? It’s perhaps one of the best written Saturday morning shows. Well it’s better than Goober and the Ghost Chasers.

As far as finishing up series, the fifth (and final) DVD of Speed Racer is out. I feel bad for kids hooked on Bob the Builder since they don’t know what making the Mach 5 is all about. Also the second half of Ultraman reminds us of that time when men in rubber monster suits ruled our universe.

Plus there’s Ark II a twisted live action show about a group of scientists roaming the post-apocalypse earth in a giant van to help out people. The scientists look like they escaped a porn set. Plus they have a talking monkey. Get it now.

With such wonders on DVD, you might actually wake up on Saturday morning to enjoy them properly with a bowl of Frankenberry.

COME ON DOWN!

Is Nigel Barker on America’s Next Top Model the secret love child of Bob Barker? He seems to have the Price Is Right legend’s smile and last name.

Have I already declared that Todd Newton (formerly of E! fame) is going to replace Bob when Barker retires? Newton’s been scoring well hosting the live Vegas version of the show. He won’t look like a complete rookie when Bob passes over the thin microphone.

AMY SEDARIS: I LIKE YOU

If you have to buy a woman a gift this year, get her Amy Sedaris’ I Like You. It’s her outrageous take on those Martha Stewart Entertaining books. There are actual useful tips within the jaw dropping suggestions. Plus there’s a great pic of Amy covered in sprinkles.

Amy Sedaris is on my list of three people I can have a torrid weekend in Las Vegas without the threat of a divorce. Originally Mrs. Corey thought it was a joke since she’d only seen her as the former crack whore that’s returned to high school on Strangers With Candy. She thought Amy was just killing space between Uma Thurman and Bea Arthur until Lisa Simpson turns 18. But after seeing Amy made up to look like a human cupcake, I’ve been placed on a diet.

BOWLED UNDER

Who is naming the bowls this year? Nothing says a great game like the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Who isn’t pumped for the Papajohns.com Bowl? Does the loser have to ride to the airport after delivering a dozen pies in the area? And what is a New Mexico Bowl? Or a Texas Bowl? Since the International Bowl is played in Toronto, does that mean they’ll have a 110 yards to run? Which is more macho: The Brut Sun Bowl or Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl?

I’m reminded of the old Sports Monster joke about the Juggs Bowl. Now that would be a college halftime show worthy of our attention.

COWBOY UP

After talking about Randy Jones, the Cowboy from the Village People, I was forwarded his website: http://www.randyjonesworld.com. Seems that Randy has been extra busy over the past few years with low budget films and live performances. Way to go, Cowboy.

TIME TO BE WASTED

It’s oral surgery time and I’m hoping to get hooked up with the Vicodin. Last time I was on ’em, I kept getting calls from Amanda Peet wanting to know why my ass wasn’t on the set of Studio 60. Wait a minute, I’m not Matthew Perry. The bad part was the pills ran out just when my great country music song was rattling around in my head.

PARK CITY, UTAH – I’m the King of Sundance, bitches!

In what’s gonna be the worst kept secret, my documentary Moving Midway will be this year’s big buzz flick on the snowy slopes.  We’re pretty much a lock for the festival. There’s a lot of fakers who claim their films will be playing Sundance. But our movie was directed by Godfrey Cheshire, who swears that the fix is in. Geoffrey Gilmore is so dazzled by Godfrey that if we sent in a blank video cassette, he’d book it for two hours. And the audience would see what Godfrey had intended to film in the blackness on the screen. They’d call it a silent version of Derek Jarmen’s Blue. I’m the Deconstruction Producer on the film (which will make me a superstar in France).

The movie itself is an amazing tale about a New York film critic who periodically returns to the South to see the family’s old plantation house get moved after his cousin accepts millions of dollars for the land. They’re turning the space into a Target and Home Depot. The main focus of the film is that Godfrey’s ancestors were nice to their slaves. Indeed we discovered that the slaves on the plantation had health and dental benefits. They also had a 401-K set up by their owners. Unfortunately they mostly invested in .com stocks. There’s a sweet moment when Godfrey discovers that many of his ancestors enjoyed screwing the owned help. The slave owners didn’t consider it rape. They were merely diversifying the portfolio. As far as the house moving goes, Godfrey takes what would be a 10 minute segment on The History Channel’s Mega Movers and draws it out for two and a half hours. It’s so thrilling to watch a house move a mile every five hours.

I cried after I saw the first cut. I knew that there’s no way those sissies up at the Sundance Institute wouldn’t just give us all the big awards before the first screening. Maybe they should just only show Moving Midway at Sundance this year because it’d be a shame that the other 100 movies to be forgotten in it’s deep, dark shadow of brilliance. Godfrey might be on the cover of TIme, Newsweek and Film Superstar Journal in the same week.

What’s amazing is that a majority of my work on the film, consisted of a crew including the cameraman and…..me. We spent days roaming around the site videotaping the house being deconstructed and readied for it’s big move. This is why I claimed the title of Deconstruction Producer. Godfrey would show up for maybe 10 minutes to be able to get himself filmed near the project. But yet he was the best damn director you’d ever experience in those 10 minutes. I would never consider myself a director during those dirty, nasty, buggy days as dust rose from that old house. No one can take credit for the auteur vision that belongs to Godfrey! But of course with such a cool title as Deconstruction producer, I’ll get a special award when we arrive at Cannes. I believe they are already calling me “the New Jerry Lewis” in Paris.

I’ve already heard a rumor that Robert Redford is going to let me stay in his compound instead of a dumpy hotel. We’re going to spend most of the day hunting elk, skiing Mount Mitt and getting massages from Parker Posey. He’s even contemplating letting me call him Bob. He might even forgive me for once quoting Elmer Bernstein when he said, “Robert Redford imagines himself as a bronze statue in Central Park that is so dazzling and brilliant that the pigeons won’t shit on him.” Damn it. I repeated it. But it’s what Elmer said when we chatted.

The film itself is the work of a genius. There’s no way a pigeon will shit on Moving Midway: The Future Grand Prize Winner for Documentaries at Sundance.  I’ve known Godfrey Cheshire for over 20 years and he’s the kind of friend who would give you a kidney and a chunk of liver without even being asked. Godfrey would reach into his mouth and yank out a kidney. I felt that our time on the location watching that house move that I had gone back to film school. He knew so much about the camera and sound. He’s just like Kubrick or Marty. I know that when he becomes big and famous, he’s bringing me along on his next project. He’s loyal to his crew like a pirate captain. Godfrey Cheshire is the greatest friend I’ve ever had. If my dad died, he’d adopt me. And he always had time to ask how I was doing. The man cared about my emotions. He’s like a cinematic Dr. Phil.

The owner of the house, Charlie Silver was the sweetest guy in the world. He was so open to me during our long days at his house. And he made sure that we knew everything that was going on. And he was so truthful about me when talking with others. The man was one big ego massager. I might name my next kid or hunting dog after Charlie Silver. I’m thrilled that his life story will now be coming to theaters around America.

I hope that my news of Moving Midway being the toast of Park City won’t sadden other indie filmmakers. But let’s face it, you’re all a bunch of second class citizens when compared to Godfrey Cheshire. He’s the future of films. You’re just a bunch of frauds. So learn to bow your heads when he walks down the street. Or you will be dealt with extreme smite action.

And if any of Sundance bound reporters can’t hook up with Godfrey (because you know he’s going to be exclusive property of the top line publications), drop me a line and I will tell you of his greatness. Also keep an eye out for my “making of” Moving Midway coming to Youtube.com. Of course being the greatest Deconstruction Producer to grace Park City, will mean I might be busy trying to juggle Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Estelle Getty through my bedroom. I mean Estelle Warren. I’m saving Estelle Getty for a torrid night in Cannes.

HOW IS IT INDIE FRIENDLY?

The Indie film community does need to revolt against Sundance. It’s the most over priced film festival in America for filmmakers involved. Who thought of throwing a film festival in the middle of ski season in a ski town to pay tribute to brokeass filmmakers? When I get prices for rooms quoted to me, why does it seem cheaper to just buy the frickin’ ski lodge? I can buy a new car cheaper than a week to get in touch with my poverty row indie filmmaking kin.  A few folks hit the lottery during their stay. But a majority of the filmmakers just have one more maxed out credit card to go with their Robert Townsend collection.

Would it kill Sundance to move the festival to the off-season?

Money shouldn’t be a problem to me since Miss Cleo predicted that Tom Cruise and Harvey Weinstein will have a bidding war for Moving Midway: The Front Runner for Sweeping All the Awards at Sundance. Harvey is still bitter from when I said that his best feature was his intestinal parasite.  Of course after Harvey and Bob made an exclusive deal to only have their Weinstein Company DVDs rented from Blockbuster, I don’t want to deal with them. I’m a Netflix user. And that deal is a slap in my face. It’s also a slap to every indie chain that carried Miramax films over the decades. Harvey Weinstein is a ratass bastard who would kill his puppy for a chance to win a pony. Of course if Harvey pumps out more Doogle flicks, his company might collapse before this deal expires. And judging from the lack of box office sizzle from The Matador, Lucky Number Slevin and Transamerica, Harvey doesn’t have his Miramax touch. Guess Disney kept it as part of the settlement.

I’m already missing Harvey’s parasite. That parasite knew how to play Gin Rummy.

TURKEY TIME

Does anyone care about Thanksgiving as a real holiday? It’s no longer about Pilgrims, Indians and small pox. It’s merely the starting gun for the Christmas holiday. Even Thanksgiving dinner seems like a dress rehearsal for Christmas dinner.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade ends not with Pilgrims, but Santa. Why doesn’t Fox News want to defend Thanksgiving? Have they been bribed by big businesses that want to start Christmas season in July? Why won’t John Gibson ban holiday ads until December? They even have stores that start their Christmas sales on Thanksgiving. A local christmas tree site has a sign saying, “We’ll be open on Thanksgiving!” Stop the madness!

Take a pledge that this Thanksgiving you will not talk about Christmas. Focus on the one tradition that I remember fondly from a child: watching King Kong and Godzilla movies after a lot of turkey. I do not recommend celebrating Thanksgiving by giving Native Americans a contagious disease. Don’t be guilted in to giving up on the true meaning of Thanksgiving – wearing pilgrim hats and indian headdresses at dinner.

OPIE SNOOZES

Was The Da Vinci Code the most boring thriller of the year? I didn’t read the book, but I watched way too many History Channel specials that dealt with parts of the book. Those shows were much more entertaining than what Opie and Tom Hanks cranked out. And why is it that no one can make an entertaining American film with Jean Reno? Godzilla and Pink Panther and now this….. Reno must have Michael Caine’s old manager.

Although watching Code has inspired me for a horror flick idea. What if vampires came after the “Holy Grail” woman? Imagine Dogma meets Dracula. The vampire wants to suck her blood because he swears it’ll allow him to remain immortal and have a soul. Or maybe after he drinks her blood, he wants to kill himself, sneak into heaven and suck souls at will? Angels vs. Vampires! This idea is cinematic gold. The US Mint will print money just for this blockbuster.

FIVE MINUTES FOR FIGHTING

The opening credit montage for Casino Royale sucks. Maurice Bender’s maggots could have come up with a more seductive piece. And the theme song stunk. And what the hell was up with people playing Texas Hold ’em instead of bacarrat? But amazingly enough this was the best Bond script since On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

What about Daniel Craig as Bond? He looks more like a hockey goon than a international super spy. But it works for the film. He’s a killing machine. When he turns on the suave, it’s just not quite there. Which was the point of the film. Once I thought to myself that he’s really 008, his performance improved.

MY NEW NETWORK SHOW

There’s nothing like success to spawn mid-season replacements. For those of you who are fans of Ugly Betty, I’m proud to announce my new reality sit-drama Creepy Joe. The plot is pretty simple; when girls get tossed off America’s Next Top Model, they arrive at my photography studio for a chance to get on the cover of Honda Honey Monthly.

“Someday you’re going to have to do things that disgust you in order to further your career. Well the line starts at my tongue!” will be used in the promos. See you on Thursdays on Dumont!

SISSY FIGHTS!

Watching the bitch fight between Mark Cuban and Donald Trump is hilarious. Talk about two dorks who could both get their asses handed to them by Omar Little. I’ve semi-encountered both of them. I forced Trump to shake my hand during a party in Manhattan. And I’ve swapped email with Cuban. I offered Cuban my services as his designated ref abuser. Who do I favor in their verbal knife fight? More blood the better.

Both guys have haircuts that pro wrestlers would refuse. Both guys need to supplement their diets with big mugs of “Shut the Hell Up” cod liver oil and mustard sauce. Trump’s Atlantic Casinos suck. Cuban’s Mavericks suck. So they’re pretty much even. Best is watching Trump attack Cuban’s TV show. As if anyone cares about Trump’s show. Do we really want to see people being humiliated for a one year contract gig? If you want that sort of crap, live the dream at IBM. Trump’s show is on the chopping block. It’s no Dancing with the Stars.

What’s hideous is when Trump goes on his resume spiel as he mentions every project he’s doing. He drones. And what’s up with him putting his name on a vodka when he refuses to drink the stuff. I on the other hand love to suck down a couple quarts of Party Favors Rye and Pickle Juice when I’m ready to party with the big boys. Cuban also has to mention all of his lame projects as if we f’n care.

The sad thought is that of these two guys, I envy neither of them. Trump’s gaudy opulence is disgusting. Cuban’s frat boy persona annoys me. And their macho posturing reminds me of Paul Lynde vs. Liberace. I do hope if Trump and Cuban mix it up, they don’t mess up their hair.

SPOOKY LOVE

Did I forget to give weird raves about the Elvira Movie Macabre series that Shout! Factory put out in time for Halloween? After watching the films, I wish they’d just put out Elvira’s segments and skip the films. I’m not sure where they dug up these prints, but they look like they’re been run through a sander instead of a projector. But it’s a small price to pay to get a nice look at Elvira in her prime. That woman knew how to flaunt a dagger.

BYE BOB

Happy retirement wishes goes out to Bob Barker with his upcoming retirement from The Price Is Right. Bob is the greatest guy in showbiz. He did the intro for my piece on IFC’s Split Screen about the Student Academy Award winning Man and Dog documentary. Bob was so moved by the film about a rural animal control officer that has to gas puppies that he gave an on camera testimonial from the set of The Price Is Right without any compensation. He even paid to FedEx the tape to us. We did send him a few t-shirts to wear when he jogs with his dogs.

And Bob is an entertainment superstar. Do you think Adam Sandler would have been a movie star if Bob hadn’t fought him in Happy Gilmore? Sandler would have David Spade”s career if Bob hadn’t belted him on the green. Bob is a kingmaker.

Bob is a prince of a man. And he knows that my living room is always open to him, even if he isn’t on TV at 11 a.m. weekdays.

LIKE A SPORTS MACHINE

It’s sad to hear that George Michael’s Sports Machine is going off the air in March after 23 years when George retires. When I didn’t have cable, this was the best way to catch decent highlight footage on a Sunday night. George did a better job than most of the blathering dorks that dominate ESPN. George, you’ll be missed.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – ESPN has finally aired a real sport and I was part of it.

Thanks to my good friend Norm Chad having to attend a Tilt fan convention in Butte, Montana, the Sports Leader called me to be the color announcer for The Fifteen Annual Ookie Cookie Invitational.  This was my first entry into the world of high stakes professional action. Most of my career involved calling it as I saw it with a pack of amateurs in the back of a certain fast food restaurant as they added a little something special to the mayonnaise jar. But now the sport has moved up to the Zsa Zsa Arena at the Palms Hotel in Vegas. The Maloof brothers treated me, a distant relative, like a brother – the brother who didn’t have a grandfather smart enough to get in the beer business. They didn’t even mind when I kept quoting Killing of a Chinese Bookie to the pit bosses.

This was a transition year as the original sponsor, Keebler’s Town House crackers, was replaced by Nabisco’s Sociables. I didn’t mind the swap since the new cracker does describe the competition. It’s about being sociable even though it is heavily competitive. Ritz Top ‘Ems crackers were in the running, but lost out when Andy Griffith refused to give out the “Flock Cup” to the 2006 Champ. I wanted to pay tribute to Andy during the “winning” moment by saying, “Everything tastes better when it sits on a Ritz.” Damn it. I had already envisioned it as a viral video on Youtube.

Norm was amazing setting me up for the role. He told the bigwigs at ESPN that Ookie Cookie demands a true jerk off behind the microphone. Plus Gabe Kaplan passed since he had an Old Maid tourney in Reno. The ESPN suits were amazed at how I could say the word “strokin’” with so many infections. They were howling when I said, “Someone’s gonna lose an eye on that pop.” Plus they used my slogan, “The only difference between winners and losers is a matter of taste” on all the promos. Norm said it was going to be as big as his “they call him the Matador for the way he lures the young bulls into the ring” line. The suits promised me a guest host gig on PTI when the Cubs win the World Series.

Because of a non-disclosure agreement, I can’t tell you who won or repeat my witty commentary. Also I can’t tell any private interaction of what it’s like working with crack announcer Jerry Langerhold. He taught me a lot about the importance of a good back wax. And tips on how to tell if your hooker is pre-op. Although it was funny when one of the contestants arrived as Ernie with his own set of Keebler elves. Because of the sponsor change, they had to swap out their outfits. Luckily their back up uniforms were fireman outfits. The fans loved the Hose Squad.

So stay tuned to ESPN for the Ookie Cookie action this month. We’re airing after Dominos, Cross Country Lawn Darts and Synchronized Mulching.

I WON’T HURT HODGMAN

If John Hodgman comes to your local bookstore to sign copies of The Areas of My Expertise, show up early and prepare to be marveled. He’s hilarious even when he’s reading out of the book. He makes the hobo historical tales come alive. He’s better than most comedy shows and doesn’t force you to take a two drink minimum. He involves the audience in his show so don’t be shy. And if you bring children, be warned that he does use a little blue language. Although with his expert tone, it sounds less dirty and more like a Canadian reading a Penthouse Forum letter.

We spoke after the reading and discovered that he too was a childhood fan of The Creature Double Feature on channel 56 in Boston. Because of his recent fame playing “The P.C.” in the Apple ads, I asked about the legendary Timex-Sinclair. He laughed because he’d been thinking about the home computer that had barely enough memory to hold a recipe. Neither of us knew how many Timex-Sinclairs you’d have to hook up to get the power of a Mac G5. (The Timex-Sinclair had 2 KB of RAM.) We discussed his chapter on “How to Win a Fight” that dealt with attack ads. I mentioned my recent spat with Yahoo (the website that’s #1 amongst people that will destroy your family values) and how after it hit the web, Yahoo took a 10 percent stock dive. Coincidence? I think now. Hodgman signed my copy of his book, “Please don’t destroy me on the internet.” I agreed to the terms after he gave me a piece of hobo chalk. It’s nice to know that John Hodgman and myself have signed a non-destructive pact. And I won’t use his hobo chalk to damage his reputation.

Even though I’m a lifelong Mac user, I don’t mind considering John Hodgman as a PC pal. Hodgman is now on my list of “Five People I’d Take for Dinner to the French Laundry if The Food Channel Foots the Bill.” Sorry to bump you off the list, Liza.

THE HOSTEL DETECTIVE

I’m hooked on Showtime’s Dexter. Fellow Raleighite Michael C. Hall has proven that the best way to not be stereotyped as the gay funeral home director from Six Feet Under is to play a non-sexual serial killer working for the Miami police as their blood splatter expert.

Dexter is a unique character that would never make it on network TV. The NBC executives would change him so that instead of being a serial killer, he’d collect spoons from his travels across the country. Thankfully in the world of pay cable, he can be cold blooded as he tries to practice selective killing to feed his blood lust. It reminds me of the under appreciated John Landis’ flick Innocent Blood. If you enjoy seeing Sopranos cast members before they met Tony, get the DVD of Blood.

Dexter and his unflinching night and day jobs make the show extra addictive. You may even catch yourself playing a game of solving the homicide case while picking Dexter’s next victim. The show has a great balance of dry humor with wicked violence. It’s great that Showtime is willing to produce shows with edgy subjects instead of flooding us with shows about showbiz people.

I’m not going to compare the programming on Showtime vs. HBO. Since HBO has The Wire going on right now, it’s a dead tie in quality. But between Dexter, Sleeper Cell and Weeds (that features my fellow North Carolina School of the Arts alumni Mary Louise Parker), Showtime is putting on programs that make me forget about watching network TV. Hopefully this season of L Word remembers that some of us tune in to see a little less grieving and a lot more getting it on between the cast. More Mia Kirshner with less headcase action and more lip locking with Carmen.

Once again congratulations to Michael C. Hall who will now have old women ask him if he’s the guy who kills people instead works at the funeral home.

TRIVIA ABOUT ME

Did you know like myself another Raleigh resident that went on to study at the North Carolina School of the Arts is Randy Jones, the cowboy from the Village People? Do you know what it’s like to live in the shadow of the cowboy? Such a burden I don’t wish on my children.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL UPDATE

During my visit to the University of Virginia to see the Cavs play NC State, I was amazed to discover their new basketball arena is named after John Paul Jones. How sweet it is to know that the bassist of Led Zeppelin is finally getting his due after getting screwed out of the Plant-Page reunion. Also they had a building on campus named after The Gooch from Differ’nt Strokes. I was hoping to find out if the student health services was named after Juan Epstein’s Mother.

During the halftime show, the marching band played the themes to various ESPN shows. What the hell? Although they did impress me when halfway through they busted into “Kung Fu Fighting.” The flag girls dropped their poles and started to bust each other up.

You know your football team is having a bad season when the cheerleaders most popular chant is “Don’t! Suck!” And why is it that no matter where you sit in the stadium, your view will always be blocked by a dork with a cowbell? It’s the same way that at a fetish night event how no matter how empty the dungeon is, there will always be a tourist blocking your view of the St. Andrew’s cross action.

CHANGE YOUR STYLE

I’m watching Howard TV and wondering why Savannah Samson looks like a Brooke Hogan impersonator.  I’d consider getting his pay per view channel except they showed that Richard guy yanking down his shorts.

LONG DISTANCE BURGERS

Wendy’s is now setting up their drive thru lanes so you’re now speaking to someone in a remote call center that emails your order to the grill. Let me get this right, I can barely hear a dork less than 20 feet inside the restaurant. Now we have to worry about a person in a call center on the other coast screwing up my fries? And just wait till they outsource this to India. You want curry on that apple pie? The nice thought is that it allows the workers at Wendy’s to spend less time dealing with a customer and more time chatting amongst themselves.

FOX BACK IN THE BOX

Enough with taking the Fox pregame show on the road. The two weeks they were back in a Hollywood studio was better than their lame locations. Do I really need to see morons screaming and waving signs for an hour? And wasn’t it nice to have Jillian Barberie giving us the weather and Terry the business? What’s the point of Joe Buck hosting the show when they didn’t struggle without him? Keep him in the booth, Fox.

A good pre-game show deals with three things: Who is injured, what’s the weather and who talked trash to the press. I don’t need human interest. And ones with weather girls wearing heels as they waltz around the map get my attention first.

MALIBU HOLD UP

According to a guy named Cliff at BCI, they are striking a new transfer of Malibu High which is why the Starlite Drive-In Theater DVD with it and The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High has been delayed. They’ve done a better job at Rhino when it came to restoring these Crown International titles to their late night glory so I’ll be patient.

There’s still no real answer why Classic Media has decided to delay the general release of Godzilla Raids Again and Godzilla Vs. Mothra. They’re still offering it on their exclusive website, but not priced as cheap as Deepdiscountdvd had ’em. I was so hoping to have these titles for my tribute to WOR’s King Kong-Godzilla Turkey Day Monster Mash.

Speaking of Crown International, the trailer for Grindhouse is a tribute to films those guys put out over the decades. I’m already thinking about Grindhouse 2. The follow up needs to contain the greatest of grindhouse genres – hot chicks in jail! Maybe a film about a young girl going cross country. While on a bus layover, she gets into trouble with a local and gets sent off to a redneck work camp. Of course the work done at the camp is making moonshine, mixing up meth, mud wrestling and white slavery. Lot of sweat and BBQ sauce pouring off the screen. Can you sense the numerous shower scenes? QT, call my agent, Lenny Cripes. He’ll arrange the movie magic. The young girl in jail must be played by the Princess Diaries gal. She’s look extra pretty in the hothouse.

TWICE THE VICE

Rejoice for word has leaked out that after the devastating lameness that was the Miami Vice movie, Universal is putting out seasons three and four of the show. In March we shall be getting almost all the remaining pastel goodness. They better not tease us by keeping the final season in the vault beyond Christmas 2007. The saga must be available unbutchered by the syndication cleaver. The kids need to experience the magic of Philip Michael Thomas. And when’s his performance in Death Drug coming to DVD? Philip Michael Thomas should be the next 80s icon revived like Mr. T. Thank goodness Jamie Foxx didn’t steal his legacy.

GREEN ACRES

It’s time to throw more praise at chef Daniel Taylor at Raleigh’s Underground. He has made me a fan of collard greens. Twice now I’ve cleaned my plate of the leafy veggie that’s a southern treat. As a child growing up in all you can eat BBQ joints, collared were more of a dare than food. But now I’m a fan of them if Taylor mixes them up in his cream sauces or bacon broth. Mmmmmm.

ORLANDO – Why do parents insist on bringing kids to Disney World? Are they gluttons for punishment? Or are they merely sadists that enjoy ruining vacations for everyone else?

Disney wants us to think we’re going to “the happiest place on Earth.” But after you cleared the turnstiles, you’ve entered the world’s largest a K-Mart.  If ever there was a land where parents want to beat their kids, it’s the Magic Kingdom. The cast members should wear a pin declaring, “Can I hold your purse while you shut up your brat?”

If your child isn’t 40 inches high, don’t bring them to Orlando. Why haul a kid to Florida that can’t get on the E ticket rides? I can’t stand having to watch 36 inch kids whine about why they can’t ride Space Mountain. They whine and cry longer than the ride – including the walk through the concourse. Worse is idiot parents that haven’t a clue how tall their kids are. They take them halfway through the line only to see junior not measure up at the entrance. I get to experience their kid screaming at the gate demanding a chance to die in the dark. Remembering when thinning the herd was a positive part of child rearing?

The 30 inch high kid is the perfect height to ride my knee when they dart around the park trying to make a break for Donald Duck’s arms. Instead of being able to enjoy the beauty of my surrounds, most of my time I have to look down to make sure that I don’t stomp a tyke or two. Amazingly enough, it becomes my problem when I break their kid’s nose. How am I supposed to enjoy myself with a constant fear of being carted away in cuffs and facing a million dollar lawsuit? What is so wrong with keeping kids on a leash? And remember to pay extra for the muzzle.

If the height thing is a little too tough for you to figure out with your child, here’s a simple approach: if you have to push your kid in a stroller – don’t go to Disney.

Wanna know what’s slower than a baby being pushed in a stroller? A baby being pushed in a stroller by their grandparents. Some of us have come to a theme park to get on as many rides as humanly possible. The worst part is they clump up and swap “cute grandkid” stories as their paces slows down But the molasses disaster patrol can gunk up any smooth experience. NFL offensive line coaches should visit Orlando to learn the geriatric blocking patterns.

I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself in the land of Mickey Mouse. It costs $67 for a one day pass and another $45 for the park hopper. After taxes I’ve forked out $120 to witness parents berating their kid to stop whining or they’re going back to the hotel. They’re blowing my cool. I paid for fun and instead I’m getting to relive my own childhood trauma trips. I’m going to have to pay a shrink $200 an hour to recover from my vacation.

What really gets these family squabbles going is the huge amount of Disney merchandise that little kids want. Disney World is a huge gift shop interrupted by lines for rides. In the Magic Kingdom only 2 major rides don’t end in giftshops (The Haunted Mansion and Thunder Mountain Railroad). There’s dozens of “gimme” moments to hurdle when it comes to little kids. I don’t get the necessity of Disney to overwhelm us with giftshops. All of Main Street is a giftshop. Who wants to buy large amounts of glassware after getting off a ride? Where are you supposed to put this stuff when it’s time to get on Space Mountain? The obvious answer is to shove it down your kids throat when he won’t zip his yap. But that’s illegal under Florida law.

You really shouldn’t take your kids to Disney World until they’re old enough to drive you to Florida. And if the little ones want to go, just take them to Hooters. They get a rush out of a riding around the table in the arms of a waitress in a tanktop.

TEARS FOR A GLOBE

EPCOT is the saddest place in the universe (outside of A-Rod’s bathroom). The episode of The Simpsons where the family gets stuck in a nightmarish theme park based on EPCOT isn’t a joke. Walt’s dream of a society that pushes the boundaries of science hasn’t merely been abused by the Disney suits. It’s been beaten to death by Walt’s own creation.

Unlike the hustle and bustle that meets you at the gates of the Magic Kingdom, the longest ride at EPCOT is the security shakedown. Can I just ponder what’s the point of merely looking in a purse? If you’re an active terrorist, are you really just going to put your tools of destruction in your Birken Bag?

And it is at the gate that you can immediately tell that Disney is giving up on EPCOT as a vision of the future. The amazing Geodesic Globe has now been defaced with a Mickey Mouse arm and stars strewn across it’s surface.  And the topiary bushes in front of the dome are shaped like characters from Beauty and the Beast. Who needs the future when you can have Disney magic tossed in your face? The buildings of Future World look way too educational for their own good.

The saving grace of EPCOT can be summed up in one word: Booze! Yes, the whole point of going to this theme park is dinner in the World Showcase with real booze from around the world.

The bad part is that it must be a two mile walk to get from the gate to the imported beer and wine. In the Florida heat and humidity, it’s inhumane. When it comes to visions of the future, nothing tops The Jetsons. Did you ever see George and Jane walking to dinner? Why doesn’t Disney have stinking people movers in their recreation of tomorrow? And it seemed like a majority of the people in the park wanted to get to the World Showcase.

Disney needs to convert the Future area to what people want – Land of Booze! Why not give us an exhibit courtesy of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Aristocrat? And for the ladies, come on down to the lake to see how Cabana Boy mixes up the good stuff.

WHO RUNG IN?

While the new snazzy set on Jeopardy looks great, they need to fix the lights that declare which contestant has buzzed in first. On the long shot, I can barely see the row of thin red lights pop up. My TV set is bigger than a Watchman. Why must Alex and the gang be so secretive in letting us know which of the three is going to belt out the question? Are they hiding it from the terrorists?

BAM!

Will Barry Scott (Mr. Easy-Off Bam!) duke it out with Billy Mays (Kaboom!) for most annoying pitchman that isn’t selling Head On? I’ve already seen one ad with Barry and I already want to throw a Bloomin’ Onion at his head. And what’s up with importing this guy from Australia? Are we lacking annoying goofs in this country? We need immigration reform to protect the future jerks being raised in America.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING FOR?

Will Citibank outsource their phonebank to a part of India that speaks English? What’s the point of calling it customer service if a customer has to call up the UN for a translator to figure out how to get serviced? I can’t even cuss at these folks across the world because they don’t know my kind of swearing. Remember when we were merely pissed off at getting routed around the phone wizard? We just wanted a human voice. And now we’re paying for it since these loser businesses went cheap.

BLOOMIN’ FUN HUM

Hurray for the “Outback Tonight” jingle for the Outback Steakhouse. Enough with just recycling the same classic rock tunes to push your product. Give us the tunes that sell the tasty products!  The jingle is the best new song on the radio this season. Now I’m ready for another Bloomin’ Onion!

HAMMER HURT HER!

Before Dancing With the Stars started the new season, Tom DeLay sent out an email telling his supporters to call up and vote for Sara Evans, the country music star. “We need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television by supporting good people like Sara Evans,” wrote DeLay. Well a few weeks into the show Evans has filed for divorce and it’s pretty f’n ugly. She’s claiming her husband was a horn dog who didn’t mind sitting around watching porn while his son walked into the room. Plus the guy cheated on her with the nanny. Evan’s husband is now getting word out that she was a bad mother who neglected her kids while dancing for the show. Plus word is spreading that she was boffing Kenny Chesney.

What sort of “good people” is Sara Evans? DeLay was trying to slam Jerry Springer, but it appears that Evans and her husband are running around a stage in Chicago throwing chairs, flashing boobs and being held back by Steve. Thanks to disgraced ex-Congressman DeLay, we’ve once again been fooled into supporting the morally degenerate Showbiz weasels. Maybe Evans isn’t one of those evil Hollywood freaks, but country music is a world of sex freaks and drug abusers.

The fun part is that Kenny Chesney has already said that he didn’t have sex with Sara Evans. “He would NEVER think of her like that,” said a Cheney PR flack. Insert laughter from the bullriders who have their own theory about Kenny and women. If anything could have helped it’s reputation, it would have been to release videotapes. Of course we live in a universe where David Geffen, the gayest man in Hollywood has boffed Marlo Thomas and Cher.

I wonder about the relationship between DeLay and Sara Evans? Maybe the Hammer earned his nickname the old fashioned way? Chesney said that they are merely “good friends” and DeLay used those same words. Hmmmm?

All I need to know right now is that Sara Evans is now responsible for a lot of smut being aired on TV thanks to her disgusting lifestyle. Perhaps DeLay needs to send out an email to America for promoting a pack of pervs, Quit hurtin’ us, Hammer.

BOO!

After crapping out for the past few years, both TCM and AMC have gone overboard on providing monster flicks for this Halloween season.

HOLLYWOOD – Who is that mysterious shadow in the windows on the set of Deal or No Deal? Who makes the call to tell a contestant how much they can earn by just walking away? Who is the stranger that gloats when a sucker walks away with $5 instead of a million smackers?

Why it’s me!

I’m the banker. And I’ll be the banker until I have to return to my job as the guy who hands out MacArthur Genius Grants (that’s the reason I haven’t been given one).

People think it’s easy being the Banker on that show. All I have to do make a couple calls to Howie and read off preset figures. That’s only half my job. My other duty involves shaving Howie’s back between shows. It’s an ugly job, but I just love showbiz too much to give up on it.

The sad part is that my work is coming home with me. During my brother’s birthday, I offered him $20 to leave Aunt Mary’s card sealed and walk away from the cake. I offered a hooker at the Point $60 to leave her teeth in. I’m probably heading to the Monte Hall Rehab Center for People Who Just Can’t Stop Making a Deal.

KELLY LEAK IS BACK, BITCHES!

Is it’ f’n true? Did the big buzz of the Toronto Film Festival involve Jackie Earle Haley’s performance in Little Children? Is he really being fast tracked for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar? At least one good thing is going right in the universe.

After years of declaring Jackie Earle Haley the greatest troubled teen actor of his generation, he’s finally getting his due. The man who brought Kelly Leak to life in the Bad News Bears films, has grown up and still has the chops.

I have to pester my Oscar voting pals to make sure that Jackie is on their ballots. And if you have any, you better put Harvey Weinstein pressure on them. It’s all about Jackie this year. Forget Marty 2007 (although from the early word on The Departed, he might bag the trophy if Jack Nicholson and Brad Pitt can work the Hollywood voters and make them forget Marty as that little New Yawker who makes violent films), it’s all about Jackie Earle Haley.

I can already see Jackie’s name get called out, he rides up the steps on his motorbike, swigs down a beer, lights up a cigarette, clutches the trophy, points to heaven and say, “I got an Academy Award. Does that turn you on? Academy Award?”

How could Richard Linklater remake The Bad News Bears without begging for Jackie Earle Haley to be in the film? He should have played the owner of Hooters or a strip club. Linklater learned the power of Jackie Earle Haley since his version will not be beloved except by the same knuckleheads that think the new Rollerball is better than the James Caan version.

The Party Favors is rooting big time for Jackie Earle Haley and we promise to see Little Children when it opens in October – even if it doesn’t play at the Starlite Drive-In.

NOT GAY CLAY

The sad truth is that even if Clay Aiken was gay, he would only be the second most famous gay singer to emerge from Raleigh, North Carolina. Do you know who the most famous gay singer from this town is? Why it’s the Cowboy from the Village People. Yup. Randy Jones wasn’t from Texas. Although he went to the North Carolina School of the Arts in Winston-Salem, the home of Texas Pete hot sauce!

Clay really needs to do an entire record of Bob Mould songs. Enough with the showtunes that his menopausing Claymates already know. Let these women hum “Heartbreak a Stranger” and “Could You Be the One?”

SNOREBIZ SHOW

Why has Comedy Central signed up for another 13 episodes of David Spade’s Showbiz Show. He looked so bored in the last few episodes I caught while waiting for the tequila to wear off and The Daily Show to kick in. How can the folks at that channel want to endure more of Spade’s sleepwalking through his old jokes? And because of the nature of the show, there’s no real rerun action nor DVDs. What’s the point of making a cable show that can’t do those simple things? Think of how much action and cash Comedy Central has made off Chappelle Show. Although I’ve noticed that in the past few weeks the shelves are covered with the overpriced Lost Episodes. Expect to see it discounted for Thanksgiving – maybe even as freebie if you buy the other two boxsets?

They should have made a run at Joel McHale and the creative team behind The Soup on E!

Speaking of E!, isn’t it time for more rumors that Howard Stern wants to return his 30 minute show to the channel? Word is that Howard’s lack of profile outside of the pay radio and limited pay per view venues for his show has diminished his ability to sell the show. And by giving America a 30 minute sanitized version of the show, he’ll be able to attract people willing to pay to see the bisexual strippers without the bars blocking all the fun. It only makes business sense.

TURN THE PAGE

Why does Mary Harron take the most exciting of topics and sucks them dry of panache? First she does a film about Andy Warhol. And it’s about the woman who shot Andy. And it’s just hard to watch the nutty woman. Then she gets her hands on American Psycho. While I enjoy moments in that film (especially Christian Bale’s music reviews), it also lack that certain flare that elevates it to Trainspotting heights. And after 20 years of talking about it, she gets to bring Bettie Page’s story to the screen in The Notorious Bettie Page. And it just lacks the fun sleaze that this story deserves.

It’s so clinical and academic that it comes off as a Canadian production. Which oddly enough, Harron is. The film doesn’t breathe. It seems like a biopic that’s more concerned with connecting the dots than the journey of the line.

But I can’t completely trash the flick. Gretchen Moll finally lives up to her “next hot actress” hype from eight years ago. She wears those black bangs with authority. And does a great job recreating Page’s legendary poses. She looks stunning in the black and white view of Manhattan and vintage color scenes of Miami Beach. The film suffers when she’s not on the screen. Plus she looks good stripped down.

I’m happy I didn’t pay full price to see this at the cinema. It’s worth watching as a Netflix selection. This is a story that should have been a Cinemax After Dark experience. Damn shame Gregory Dark didn’t get to make it.

PBS PORN

I’m calling the FCC to complain about PBS’s recent Andy Warhol: A Documentary. While the images were rather conservative, I was exposed to way too much academic masturbation from critics. Each one had to spew a load of their genius jiz on the screen as they tried to explain Warhol’s work. This was worse then Janet Jackson’s nipple being shown during the D-Day landing in Saving Private Ryan. Filmmaker Ric Burns should be ashamed for letting these goofs jack off for so long. The sad part is that most of them were unloading blanks.

Maybe next time Ric can focus on the cinema of Peter North. At least he knows how to goo up the screen with a purpose.

HO HO WHORES

I’d like to remind retailers that you can not start advertising for Christmas until you have taken down your Halloween displays. Although you can sell egg nog while the Monster Cereals are still on the shelf. Nothing is better than a bowl of Frankenberry floating in egg nog. Mmmmmmmm.

AFFLECK CURSE CONTINUES

Ben Affleck is refusing to destroy the cursed baseball. He better do something this winter or the only present he’s giving Redsox Nation is another 80 plus years of waiting.