DUBLIN, OHIO – My new year’s resolution is to not have a torrid affair with Angelina Jolie. I’m going to do my best to make sure that I don’t seduce the U.N. goodwill ambassador. I don’t want to see myself on the cover of People Magazine with a headline declaring, “World’s Sexiest Man?” I don’t want Brad to see the videos of what Angelina and I did at the petting zoo. He doesn’t need to witness how I licked off her tattoos.
For the sake of America, I better keep this resolution. A torrid affair with Rosario Dawson is permitted. In fact, Pat Robertson called me to say that Jesus text messaged him and the only way to prevent a terrorist attack is for Rosario Dawson to show up at the Corey Estate with a bottle of absinthe and lot of sugar cubes. I’ll have the matches ready. The fate of the world depends on it. I’m only doing this to save the world, Rosario.
LUCAS LOVES HIM SOME EVIL
What does it say about George Lucas that as Grand Marshall of the Rose Parade, he surrounded himself with Imperial Stormtroopers? Does this mean that when Spielberg gets the honor to play tribute to the 30th anniversary of Raiders of the Lot Ark, he’ll have a bunch of Nazis goose-stepping through Pasadena?
Not that I don’t expect a tribute to Star Wars to not include Darth Vader and the Stormtroopers, but Lucas looked like the Emperor. Which side was George on? Does he love his mindless killing machines more than his rebels?
And do we really need Raiders of the Lost AARP? I’ve heard this fourth installment involves Indy’s grandkids hiding the remote control and he’s got to uncover it before Matlock starts. Harrison Ford is going to be older than the relics when production starts. At least they’ll have the technology to CGI-erase Ford’s walker out of the chase scenes. ILM is already working on a cutting edge Depends for him. Maybe they’ll hire Gene Hackman to play Indy’s younger brother?
CURE THIS!
Have we really become a nation being tortured by Restless Leg Syndrome? I kept thinking this was just the set up for sneakers or action vacations. But nope. They’re pushing pills for people whose legs say, “You haven’t worn me out.” The nice part is that this pills might cause vomiting, constipation, and difficulty in urinating. Sure my pillow is covered in puke, but my legs are well rested. Maybe soon they’ll have a cure for that itching feeling I get in my palm when it touches a $20 bill. And what about a telethon to find a cure for why I can’t help staring at a waitress’s breasts when she’s working at Hooters? Isn’t that a cause that Angelina Jolie can be an ambassador for?
ACCEPT YOUR FATE
Why do I keep catching cable channels announcing that they “have the network television premiere” of a movie? Comedy Central is promoting Napoleon Dynamite with that claim and it is so wrong. Comedy Central is not a Network. It’s a frickin’ channel. Here’s a little test to show if you’re a network: Do you have to provide breaks in your programming schedule so that your local affiliates can run their shows? Do your stars have to make announcements to pimp local morning shows that are part of your network? Do you, Comedy Central? You don’t. You are a cable channel. Dumont was a network. Pax-TV was a network. While “I” is barely a network with its rehash of TVLand, it’s still a network. On the other hand, TVLand is a cable channel – just like you.
Comedy Central needs to admit what they will be running: The cable television premiere of Napoleon Dynamite that will be constantly interrupted with commercials for Head On, Steve Perry’s Greatest Hits and the Mind of Mencia. For the first time in the history of the world, someone will turn on a TV set and it will take two hours for them to watch the 82 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite (probably even less of the movie since you’ll be speeding up the end titles). Put that in your promo, Comedy Central – or is the truth too serious for your Onion flavored panties?
MY NEW DIET
In order to lose weight, I’m not eating anything with Rachael Ray’s face on the box.
TASTE OF THE MONTH
Have you tried the Forbidden Black Rice? Why is it forbidden? Cause it’s just that damn good.
I’ve never encountered this food until Chef Daniel Taylor at the Underground (in Raleigh) used it as a bedding for my grilled cod entree. And I’ve grown addicted to it. The taste reminds me if black beans and rice were mutated into each other. The pellets go down smooth. If you can’t make the drive to Raleigh to get it served just right, you can find bags from Lotus brands for sale online. This is my pick food for 2006. Eat it now before it’s used on Iron Chef.
The other night I was watching Iron Chef and the mystery food was Maine lobster. Talk about a food battle I would have lost. Why? Because I would turn it into a speed eating contest. Maybe not complete speed. I’d savour all those lobster tails and claws and knuckles and fin and body meat…. I’d need three bibs for the feast. All that would served on the plates to the judges will be shells and diced antenna flavored with my burps.
NO GRAFT FOR ME!
How come Court TV didn’t send me a $30 gift card? Am I not good enough for them to bribe? Well guess what Court TV, if you want coverage in the “Party Favors,†the price is now $300 worth of a gift card to Hardees! And I want front row seats for the KFed vs. Brit divorce.
And why is CourtTV running Beach Patrol? What exactly does San Diego lifeguards have to do with the gavel action? Why doesn’t this channel at least run Perry Mason episodes? Did Raymond Burr not spend enough time in a Speedo for the Court TV braintrust?
GIFT CARD FUN
If you’ve got a couple giftcards steaming up your wallet, here’s a couple seasonal treats worth getting. Fantagraphics has put out the Peanuts compete comics from 1959 – 1962. This is the third boxset in the series. The big highlight is the birth of Charlie Brown’s sister Sally. The Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, Volume Four brings out another 60 Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons. The big tribute is to director Frank Tashlin. Frank’s live action work can be found in the Jayne Mansfield Collection that has The Girl Can’t Help It and Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter. Frank used his animation background to make sure Jayne’s bosom played out like an elastic cartoon. And finally there’s Leonard Maltin’s continuing Disney Treasures DVD series. This sixth wave features the second half of the Silly Symphonies and The Complete Pluto.
Did anyone get a gift card to a liquor store?
DROP THE BALL
Someone needs to stop the NFL Network from running college bowl games. What is the point of calling yourself the NFL Network and then showing NCAA games? Your name promises pro football 24/7/365. Stick with the promise.
And please promise to redo your booth crew for your exclusive games. Bryant Gumbel is the smuggest jerk to ever wear the headphones. He’s too busy making sure we know that he’s stooping to talk to us. You can hear his eyes rolling everytime he has to interrupt his wit to explain what’s going on in the game. And putting him in the booth with Dick Vermeil is a narcoleptic’s dream. During the Chief’s game, Dick was barely audible. I’m guessing he was spending most of his time making sure the booth door was locked to keep Al Davis from busting his head with a baseball bat. Dick and Bryant’s voices are made for pledge breaks on NPR – not pumping up the game. Next season, the NFL Network better hire people who sound like they live for football and not a private jet to whisk them away to a private golf resort.
During the pre-game show on the NFL Network, Deion Sanders declared he could be a head football coach without ever serving as an assistant. How exactly will he teach tackling? How can he berate a player for finishing a game without a grass stain on his pants? And will he really be able to fine a player for showboating? Will his coaching philosophy be, “Do as I say. Ignore what I did in all those NFL films!”
DUDES GONE STUPID
How sad and pathetic are men that they are willing to go on I Love New York? I can almost come up with logic for Flavor of Love. Those women did grow up with the sight of Flavor Flav rapping around his giant clock on Yo! MTV Raps! It’d be like Who Wants to Boff Fish? on TVLand. You can imagine grandma wanting to knock boots with Abe Vigoda. I’d even enter Who Wants to Be A Golden Girls’ Bitch Boy. But New York? Talk about a woman with absolutely zero saving graces. A black widow killer has more charms. I’d rather be begging for the affection of any of the ladies from the Hookers at the Point series. At least they provide true services to the community.
If your son is a finalist on I Love New York, you were an awful parent. The people down the street whose twin daughters got butt naked in a shower for Girls Gone Wild did a better job of raising their children than you. Just admit that you raised a skank of a son. I’d rather turn on the TV and see my son appear on Jerry Springer professing his love to a transvestite meth mouth beauty. That would be a step up from your son tonguing New York’s neck.
THE BIRTH OF CARROT?
While watching Your Host, Walt Disney, part of the Disney Treasures DVD series, there’s a great moment where Ed Wynn starts pulling out comic props to show off for the cast of Babes in Toyland. He’s got a giant lighter with an arrow on top that points to the nearest guy with matches amongst his jokes. Do you know what this means?
Ed Wynn is CarrotTop’s daddy! Or CarrotTop merely stole Ed Wynn’s material.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
How did we usher in the New Year before every element of Time Square was sponsored by a major company? Was there a company logo on each piece of confetti? Carson Daly did give Dick Clark a run for the title of Crypt Keeper 2007.
TRUMPED
Ever notice that Donald Trump only gets into spats with people that the public can’t embrace? Mark Cuban – an annoying sports fan. Rosie – everyone’s favorite Chinese translator. The City of Palm Beach – thanks for your ballots. Trump knows that if he dared to butt heads with someone that didn’t already alienate a crowd, he’d be on his ass. Picking sides in a Trump fight is like a Peta member putting down a bet at a cockfight.
And Donnie Deutsch has to be the biggest suck up in talkshow history since Sammy Maudlin left the air. When he interviewed Trump, it was like a vacuum cleaner infomercial as he sucked up to the “man who saved NBC.”
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