CLEVELAND – Once again the losers that control the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame have chosen a few names out of the nearly 100 groups that deserve such an honor. While it’s nice they named Patti Smith and Van Halen, how can they not slide in Iggy and the Stooges? Where’s Thin Lizzy or Kiss?
What’s outrageous is the inclusion of R.E.M.
R.E.M. does not deserve the honor on the first ballot. I’m not an original hater of the band. One of my prized records is an original Hibtone 45 of “Radio Free Europe.” I hung out backstage with them during the Fables of the Reconstruction Tour. But R.E.M. has been running on their reputation fumes for nearly 15 years. When was the last time you really wanted to hear Monster? Is “Shiny Happy People” really Rock and Roll? Or a lost Soupy Sales single?
R.E.M. started out as that scrappy jangle pop band that challenged the bloated rock dinosaurs. But 25 years later, they are the rock stars they hated. Peter Buck’s antics on the airplane weren’t part of that awe shucks movement. It was a Tommy Lee moment. A lawyer has asked me to avoid any mention of Michael Stipe’s ventures. Beyond their personal lives, is the group’s recent recording history. R.E.M. has done more damage than good for the music industry. Everyone loves to rag on Axl Rose and how much he’s cost his label to create the still not released Chinese Democracy. Allegedly the costs topped $12 million before the label stopped picking up the studio bills. R.E.M. signed a 5 album contract that pays $80 million. That’s $16 million per record that Warners has to pony up. And the three records they’ve turned over to Warners have sold half a million copies each in America. They’ve produced Glitter three times for Warners. Yet nobody gives Stipe the same crap that Axl gets for outrageous costs. When Chinese Democracy comes out, it will sell as much as Up, Reveal and Around the Sun combined. Which isn’t that much a number.
How many Warner acts have been screwed because of R.E.M.’s outrageous contract and pathetic returns? There’s only so much pie on the dessert cart and it seems earmarked for Athens, GA. How many people had to eat Ramen noodles because Up went down? Rock is dead and R.E.M. killed it.
It’s not even like the R.E.M. catalog sells like Steve Miller. You’re more likely to hear them on The Simpsons than your radio dial. They had their glory days in the early 90s, but so did Hootie and the Blowfish.
At some point, R.E.M. should go into the Hall of Fame. But are they first ballot? No. If they were up for the Baseball Hall of Fame, they’d be sitting next to Mark McGwire. They’re the Ken Griffey, Jr. of baseball. But ultimately R.E.M. got elected for that single reason that matters to the Hall – rubes willing to pay thousands of bucks to eat rubber chicken and watch two songs. I doubt during their induction we will be reminded how they’ve made $48 million on three records that hardly anyone hums on the subway. We’ll hear about their charitable ways and noble causes, but there’s no greater charitable person than the guy who has to cut the $16 million check to Buck, Mills and Stipe.
SNARK THE CRAP BOX
Shame on the living members of The Clash for allowing Cingular to use “Rock the Casbah.” One of the defiant power songs of the ’80s has been reduced down to two goofs arguing if it’s about rockin’ the cashbox or the catbox. Remember when the Clash had a rebel dignity to their ways? Now they’d rather be jokes of the Western World. This is worse than when their music was used to pimp Jags and booze. At least those ads tried to make their subjects as cool as the songs. The Cingular advertisement is pure dork. Is this Mick Jones’ revenge on the late Joe Strummer?
Someone needs to be publicly executed for Target’s butchering of the Beatles’ “Hello Goodbye.” I’ve always enjoyed Target’s use of songs in their ads. They’ve got better taste than any Clear Channel robotron programmer. But all that good will has been pissed away when a woman sings, “Good Buy” while products flash across the screen. Why? Why did they have to inflict damage on a song? I’d expect this from Wal-Mart or K-Mart. Not Target. What’s next? “The Crazy Eddie on the Hill?” “I Am the Half-Priced Walrus?” “IKEA’s Norwegian Wood Suite?” SNL‘s Sold Out Gold continues.
SMELL THE SUCK
If the first big sketch on SNL is MTV 4, turn the channel. The show is bound to suck if this piece of filler is considered “A” material.
SEC CAVUTO
The Magic 8 Ball says “It Is Certain” that Fox’s business maven Neil Cavuto will be splitting the network to be Secretary of the Treasury for presidential candidate Mitt Romney.
Even though Neil is in the process of setting up the Fox Business Channel, he’s been cultivating his relationship with Mitt. The ex-Gov. is a favorite guest on his My World show. By 2009, the network should be online and Cavuto will be ready to jump to D.C. Fox Chief Roger Ailes has let his employees know that if they split the network to serve a GOP president, they can always come back.
The Magic 8 Ball confirms that Neil can’t give up the shot at being the man whose signature is on the U.S. dollar. Expect to see more Mitt exclusives on Fox News in the coming two years.
BLACK LIKE HE
Larry Wilmore, known for his black perspective moments on Comedy Central’s Daily Show, deserves his own show. The man has me howling with every visit. His take on Martin Luther King Day was gold. Why don’t white folks feel guilty if they don’t spend George Washington’s birthday reading about the Father of Our Country?
YUMMY LENTILS
Kudos for E!’s The Soup host Joel McHale getting to be a judge on Iron Chef America. Damn shame he got stuck on “Battle Lentils.” I can’t help but remember Neil and his lentils on The Young Ones. But Joel put the insanity into the US version that is essential to enjoying the Japanese version. His best line was telling Chef Mario Batali that he’d order an entree without even using a coupon. The folks at the Food Channel need more off the wall judges on the show instead of foodsie owls. Book Larry Wilmore, now!
HOW LONG IS TODAY?
Why doesn’t NBC just change its name to TodayBC? A fourth hour of Today Show is coming up. That means local stations can have a whole hour of programming before it’s time to start the noon news. And then in some markets the evening news starts at 4 p.m. Does every station want to turn into CNN & Fox News? What’s the point of being a sick kid when all that’s on TV at home is the news? If you want to hear people talk crap you don’t understand, why not go to school? Whatever happened to gameshows with Nipsy Russell?
Soon all NBC will be is Today Show, Law & Order and Deal or No Deal. Guess that keeps Jeff Zucker’s life simple. Maybe they’ll have a crossover episode where joggers outside 30 Rock have to figure out which suitcase has the body.
NBC has proceeded to destroy cable TV with their crappy programming philosophy of “Marathons are the bestest!” While it might be nice to have Bravo on my cable box, their schedule seems loaded with marathons of Top Chefand Project Runway. You’re better off just waiting for the DVD sets to come out. Who needs Bravo when you can just play at home with Netflix?
WORST FATHER OF THE YEAR
Down in Raleigh, there’s an annual tradition of The Christmas Carol being put on by Ira David Wood. It’s the big family entertainment moment of the season. Now you might not know Ira David Wood, but his daughter is Evan Rachel Wood, star of Thirteen. She’s now being accused in the scandal rags of alienating the affection between Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese.
It must be great to wake up knowing that your daughter is sleeping with a rumored drug addict, washed up aging shock rocker who dumped his hot fetish model wife after less than a year of marriage. Here’s a tip, after she and Marilyn visit your house, replace the toilet seat. Don’t spray it with Scrubbing Bubbles. Yank it out and screw fresh plastic down to the bowl. Or better yet, just replace the entire fixture. And sterilize everything in the house with a flame thrower.
I apologize to the parents whose sons are now on I Love New York. At least your kids aren’t sucking face with a nostalgia act.
How could a girl who grew up performing clean family shows find herself attracted to Manson? I blame her father. All those years she was backstage at A Christmas Carol, she probably developed a fetish for the creepy Ghost of Christmas Future. He’s the spooky ghost with the boney fingers, pale face, dark eyes and the black shroudy clothes. Daddy inadvertently put her on the road to meet the man who wrote The Long Road Out of Hell. The trouble is that Manson at this point of his career is more like the Ghost of Christmas Past. He’s got a standing invite to move into The Surreal Life house.
What really cracks me up is that Marilyn Manson sold himself as Mr. Debauchery. He’s beyond the uptight morality of Bible Thumpers that used to make an effort to picket his show. But yet, he sneaks off and bangs a young gal while his wife stays at home. He’s no better than those losers he disdained from high school that got jobs selling real estate. You’d figure the stories would be how Miss Wood crawled into the bed with him and Dita and a petting zoo and a tub of pudding. You’d expect there to be holiday cards with the two gals wrapped in red ribbons beneath a Black Christmas tree. But no. He’s no smoother than the manager of a Taco Bell in Canton, Ohio that uses the “working late” excuse to bang a community college drop out cashier.
Who are we supposed to idolize as evil anti-heroes in America when Mr. Antichrist Superstar has to pay for a divorce lawyer like KFed?
BURNING PUCKS
When will the New Jersey Devils make the greatest trade in the history of sports to get Miroslav Satan? Now Satan is playing for the Islanders – so at least he’s ruling in a Hellhole. Can the folks in the Meadowlands not see how much cash they’d get from Satan’s Devil’s jersey? I’d buy one and I hate Jersey (screw you, Scott Stevens). Pull the trigger and give the Dark Lord his moment at the rink. You’ll move product.
DRINK UP
If actors who had small roles in The Sopranos and Law & Order played each other in softball, it might look like Beer League (out on DVD). This is about a bunch of folks who love to drink and play softball. The film stars Artie Lange, so you know this is not family entertainment.
It co-stars Ralph Macchio as Artie’s sober buddy. How does the Karate Kid play second bill to Howard Stern’s chuckle buddy? It would have been better if the producers had begged Ralph to pull a Raging Bull and pack on 100 pounds to take the lead. Hopefully this movie will get Ralph a little more attention so that he can become a regular actor on Law & Order.
Anthony DeSando is hilarious as Artie’s nemesis. When he prances around in his Speedo while directing Artie where to mow his yard, you almost buy this film as a comedy. Seymour Cassel also gets a laugh now and then as Artie’s coach. Not to be missed is porn veteran Keisha as “the Pitching Machine” during the bachelor party.
Perhaps this is supposed to be Artie’s version of Ernest Borginine’s Marty. But there’s less meat in this film. Artie’s best acting moments involve him sucking down booze. He has a natural chemistry with shot glasses and beer mugs. While the film is far from Oscar-worthy, it’s more entertaining than Beerfest and Benchwarmers. Don’t watch this movie sober.
The bonus features should be outtakes from an upcoming episode of Intervention. It’s amazing how much they cleaned up Artie to act in the film versus how he appears during his press tour. Oddly enough, no clips from Artie plugging the movie on Howard’s radio show.
BRING ON THE VICE
I’m stoked to see seasons 3 & 4 of Miami Vice coming out on March 20th. These are episodes I didn’t watch since they aired when I had an actual social life and didn’t linger around the dorms on Friday nights. I’m told that this is when they blew up Sonny’s black faux-Ferrari. I don’t know if I can handle such a tragic sight. Does anyone know if Philip Michael Thomas sings in these episodes. Why isn’t he in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame with Don Johnson? Jann Werner once said that Don Johnson was a “Rock & Roll star” on the cover of the Rolling Stone.
Coming out on DVD at the end of the month is the sixth and final installment of Benny Hill’s Thames series. These are episodes that never aired in my neighborhood so it’ll be interesting to see how Benny’s final days played out. The sad part is there was no farewell episode since the rat bastards at Thames sacked Benny after an episode, without warning.
Lucky Louie, Louis CK’s HBO series gets the complete series package. It’s a shame that they pulled the plug on the show. I’ve sent out questions to Louis CK to plug the DVD, but he hasn’t responded. However, porn legend Keisha replied to my questions about her ping pong ball work in Beer League:
No, I can’t really do that, the a.d. was down by my pussy throwing the balls by hand. But it was really fun to be in the movie.
Kisses,
Keisha
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