STUDIO CITY –I can’t believe Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were driving around in LA in the same car. Imagine what would happen to the tabloids if a wayward cement mixer slammed into them? Sure there’d be a few weeks of specials about their tragic fate and jokes about Paris taking a final load to the face. But then where would Extra and Access Hollywood go for their news? Sienna Miller? Would they dip to CW stars? We’d have a national gossip crisis.
The government needs to step in and prevent these trio from traveling together. They don’t let the guys who know the secrets to Coke and KFC’s original recipe on the same plane. Paris, Brit & Lohan must take the same precautions. They can never know when Nicole Ritchie is going to be heading their way.
THE BEST GIFT
There’s only one DVD set on my list to Santa: Saturday Night Live: The Complete First Season. Finally after years of wanting to get more than those paltry best of a performer titles, they got it right.
What always ticked me off was that even when the early episodes aired in reruns, They had been pruned down to fit an hour long time slot. And the biggest victim of the edits was Michael O’Donoghue – known around the world as the beloved Mr. Mike. Now he’s back and putting nails in his eyes. The only downside of this set: Chevy Chase. Was everyone in America doing cocaine so they thought he was funny in the 70s?
I can’t really review the set since it’s wrapped up and under the tree. But I know it’s there. Forget PS-3. This is the only must have gift.
THEY’RE NOT PREDICTIONS
Can the jerks doing the write ups of various movie awards quit using them as an Oscar scorecard? Could they refrain from comparing how the organizations picks in 2005 compared to the Oscar winners?
So what if the greater Boise critics didn’t name Crash as best film of the year. Does that make them somehow wrong because they didn’t match the ballot turned in by a semi-retired character actor? These critics vote for the films they liked. This is not like Dr. Z’s preseason Super Bowl predictions. You are allowed to mock any sportswriters that declared we’d be seeing Miami vs. Carolina in the big game this year. Those people were wrong.
Don’t think that you can’t look at a critics award and ask “are you nuts?” if you think the film they chose stunk. These morons can get caught up in the hype. I still hold to the belief that you should wait five years before declaring what movie was the best of the year.
It is disappointing to see that the Hollywood Foreign Press refused to give a best supporting actor nomination to the Great Jackie Earle Haley for Little Children. Why should we expect anything good to come out of this pack of imported weasels? Was he not glamorous enough for the SoCal correspondent of Albania’s Big Crank Camera Stars Monthly? It’s up to you, American actors that belong to the Academy to make sure you watch Little Children when the DVD arrives and decide if Jackie Earle Haley is worthy of your ballot. I’m not telling you how to vote, Abe Vigoda. I’m just letting you know what you need to watch to make your vote count.
HMMMMMMM
Is Jabberjaw a gay icon?
Why do I get the sense E.D. Hill, the Fox News hostess, had the sorority nickname was “Ol’ Chemical Castration?”
FAST WAKING
What the heck is Showtime doing burning all 8 episodes of Sleeper Cell in 8 straight nights? I was hoping to follow the undercover operation along with the girl-girl action of L Word. But now all the series is over in one swift motion.
This isn’t a complaint since it’s nice to be able to just work through the series OnDemand-style without waiting a week for another episodes to pop up. If you’ve finished watching the fourth season of The Wire (which was the greatest series of the year), take a little time to follow the exploits of Agent Darwin. Also be shocked to discover that Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi wants to destroy us. Save us, Ed Helms!
BLAHCATS
How the hell did Bob Johnson screw up pro basketball in Charlotte? Have you caught any Bobcat highlights on SportsCenter? Pretty sad seeing all those empty seats. When the Hornets got started in North Carolina, they had a lot of regional support, constantly sold out and moved a lot of teal merchandise. And the Hornets were packin’ them in until their owner George Shinn pissed off the locals with his antics. But the NBA knew that if the Charlotte fans wanted to see pro hoops so they gave them another franchise and put the founder of BET in charge.
And after a three years, nobody in North Carolina gives a crap about them. The team sports two UNC legends plus the second coming of Larry Bird’s mustache on Adam Morrison. No one cares. Why? I blame Bob Johnson for naming the team. Because who cares about Bobcats in this state? And the uniforms are ugly with this alleged “Bobcat Orange” and blue. There’s nothing glamorous or fun about this team. Johnson and minority owner Michael Jordan need to rename the team and swap the color combos. Right now the Washington Generals have more clout in the fashion world.
WHY PENN?
After watching the preview to NBC’s new gameshow Indentity I can guess what that show used to be called: What’s My Line. I think Dorothy Kilgallen wants to call “Bullsh*t” on Penn Jillette. Why is NBC turning into GSN? Can’t they just expand the Today Show another 10 hours to cover prime time? It is going to be interesting to see how NBC’s Thursday night comedy block is going to deal with an Ugly Betty that isn’t a rerun.
NBC’s going to have a monster game show when they introduce Richard Simmons hosting “Guess What’s In My Gym Shorts.”
OH ASIA
Finally got saw The Heart Is a Deceitful Above All Things (Palm Pictures) and Asia Argento still has a flair for making the outrageous seem insane. In this case she adapted what was supposed to be the autobiography of JT LeRoy. The young man was supposed to have been turned into a street hustler by his junkie mom. This was his weird passage. The problem was that before this film was released, JT was exposed as a fraud. A middle aged woman had created the persona and duped a lot of famous folks into buying her performance piece.
But that doesn’t lessen this film since it’s so over the top that it’s hard to believe it really happened. Her father Dario Argento became known for his elegant creeping camera dollies that pushed his horror flicks. Asia is raw in her camera style. It’s like she wants to get straight to the performances rather than wait half the day to perfect a camera movement. Asia plays the mother and comes off as a if Courtney Love was a shagged out, self-abusing, evil mother. Or maybe she’s just playing Courtney Love. Between this and Scarlet Diva, Asia is cinema’s great emotional disaster queen. And she gets great performances out of the various kids that played the JT character. She had the Sprouse twins (Dylan and Cole), best known for swapping off in Big Daddy do a lot more work than Adam Sandler required.
This is probably not a good choice for a DVD to play on Christmas day. But if you enjoy a nice tawdry tale of a child who think Dickens’ characters had it easy, it’s worth renting.
A CHANNEL WITH PURPOSE
Lately too many niche cable channels have abandoned their format in order to whore themselves out to run movies. The Cartoon Network was running Snow Day, a very unanimated flick. TVLand started showing movies that weren’t made for TV, but seemed lifted from USA’s schedule. VH1 showed The Godfather as a “movie that rocked.” And Women’s Entertainment (We) keeps running Eddie Murphy’s Boomerang as if it was The Burning Bed 2. I’d like to remind these channels that if they have a name that reflects a certain kind of programming – stick to it, idiots! I know it’s easy to slap on a movie that TNT normally runs, but you’re not TNT. Sad enough that AMC rarely shows a movie that could be considered an American Movie Classic.
At least the Speed Channel got it right with their Lost Drive-In series. First off they are programming movies that deal with motor vehicles. The other night I caught Hell’s Angels on Wheels with Jack Nicholson as a biker who wants to roll with a tough crowd. Upcoming titles include The Getaway, The Hollywood Knights and The Great Race. Damn shame they channel is family friendly cause it’s be nice to see The Van and Van Nuys Blvd in the Lost Drive-In, but those R-rated Crown International Classics would need quite a bit of pruning to make it past standards.
THAT’S NOT ME
Is the new Amp’d Mobile ad declaring that “Joe Corey bought a new Amp’d Mobile”? They have a bald guy talking to the camera claiming to be me. Cause I haven’t bought one. How dare this company rip off my name to push their cellphone without compin’ me. I haven’t felt this burned since Paris Hilton swore she put my digits into her Sidekick. When the hack happened, nobody called me cause I wasn’t in there. She had frickin’ CarrotTop’s number. She even had Southwest Air’s reservation number.
A Southwest stewardess told us that she was working a flight with Val Kilmer flying the bus with wings. She said that Val was pissed off when he was asked to pay for his alcoholic beverage. Towards the end of the flight, the stewardess nicely asked for his autograph. He wanted to charge her for his signature in an attempt to get his booze money back. May I remind Val that I gave him the finger for free instead of demanding a refund for my ticket to Batman Forever. You think anyone calls him Batman when he’s waiting in the Southwest cattle chute?
MORE CRUD IN THE AIR
Does anyone really want HD radio? The local Klear Khannel station is pushing it hard with the promise of all those amazing unheard stations. But if I really don’t care to listen to your lame prime station, what are the chances that those mystery channels are going to be programmed any better? It’s not like they’re going to hire anymore DJs. Recently Klear Khannel has been firing voices all over the dial across the nation. What’s really the substance of these bonus signals? Sounds like it’s just a central feed from headquarters. It’s just “free” cable radio and not even the fun stations. Imagine free cable if it was only shopping and religious channels.
Who needs HD radio when AM is where the action still is.
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