DURHAM — My summer is complete now that I saw those Motherf’n Snakes on a Motherf’n Plane at the Motherluvin’ Starlite Drive-in. It was a beauty to behold above my hood ornament. The film started out rather slow which is good cause at the Drive-in, you want to get some make out time in the microbus. But when the plane took off and the snakes went after the passengers, it was pure bliss. The theater is beneath a flight path so periodically the lights of a plane would appear in the night sky. I wonder if those people knew that there could be snakes on their plane!

It’s a damn shame the film didn’t smash box office records. But maybe this is a film that is too scary for our times. People don’t want to imagine how they’d fight back against the snakes on a plane that has nothing more dangerous than a spork.

Maybe the weak box office is from putting together two things folks fear the most – poisonous reptiles and airplanes. In the future, studios will restrict their horror flicks to only one scary element. This dooms my new project about a Great White Shark eating people at the DMV.

Kevin Smith is supposedly wanting to get in on the horror action. I’ve got this new idea The Headhunter. It’s about a corporate headhunter who finds clients their dream jobs by locating the positions and killing the person that’s already in that job. Pinstripes and blood! Maybe a massacre at a corporate retreat. I got some twists for the script, but you have to pay to experience them. Unlike Paris Hilton, I don’t give away the money shots on the internet.

UNDERGROUND DELIGHTS

The Underground in Raleigh, North Carolina is now my favorite restaurant. It’s a small bistro tucked in the basement of Charlie Goodnight’s Comedy Club. And while that’s probably the set up to a joke about serving old watermelons smashed by Gallagher, I can assure you that it’s a land of serious dining.

It’s a small plate joint so there’s no doggy bags. Which normally causes me great pain when I leave a table without tomorrow’s lunch all wrapped up and ready to reheat. But the dishes are amazing. Chef Dan Taylor shops at the local farmers’ market so the menu changes with what’s really in season around here. There’s no usual favorites. And he’s very creative with his combinations. We had this crab cake that used potatoes so they puffed up. This is the type of food play I’d expect served up on Iron Chef episodes that aren’t about shark’s tale and otter claws. If you ever find yourself in Raleigh; don’t drop by my house. Instead, call up Dawn at  (919) 664-8704 and make a reservation at the Underground for dinner. Odds are you’ll find me savoring a tasty duck entree or the lobster ravioli.

It hurt me to watch Flavor Flav destroy the huge lobster on the new season of Flavor of Love. I could handle seeing the one girl take a dump in his living room. A mega-lobster is a dream dinner of mine (something I’ll eat after winning the Megabucks). Flav busting its claw like he was trying to remove a cellphone from the blister packaging is sacrilege.  I’m not sure how many pounds that lobster weighed, but I cried that much in tears. That lobster gave his life for fine eating and not to be turned into a Three Stooges prop.

Why does Spike have to butcher up the Stooges on the weekend? Sunday morning, I’d like to see a like Moe in motion, but everytime I turn t the channel, it’s a stinkin’ commercial. Would it kill Spike to treat its viewers with respect? I need to Netflix the Sony collections cause I’m not paying so much for so few episodes. I must see “Uncivil Warbirds.” That’s comedy. How come instead of that Ultimate Fighting show, they don’t have The Stooge Challenger where idiots attempt to recreate a Stooges episode without using stuntmen or fake props? I’d watch it. Of course if they make the show and don’t pay me, I’ll sue Spike TV and be able to afford a ten pound lobster. Wonder if they can cook that up for me at the Underground?

WHITE WASH TRASH

Is it only in Raleigh that people in trendy neighborhoods are covering their expensive brick homes with white paint? Is this a national trend or merely local idiots upholding a dork tradition?

LUX LIVE

Luxuriamusic.com now has live DJs playing those swank sounds. After five years, the dream is back. This is the internet radio station that was marked for death by Clear Channel and was stolen back by the fans. I’m so proud that for once, a small band of diehards were able to stick it to the man. And they did it with a funky beat.

THE EMAILS WERE LIES

I’m at a sorority house at 2:30 in the morning. Under normal circumstances, the story would involve the phrase: “and then after posting bail….” But not this time. I was helping with a live satellite feed to morning shows across America about campus fire safety. Did you know that there are plenty of stupid kids going to major colleges? My favorite was a guy who decided to defrost his mini-fridge in the dorm by using a candle. Did I mention he didn’t turn off the fridge? And get this, he left the room for a couple hours with the candle still going. And the funny part is that it burned down half the dorm. Damn shame that this wasn’t a question on the SAT so that dorks don’t get into schools.

While we were working at the sorority house until the sun came up, none of the girls asked me any questions about how they can improve the internet cameras in their shower room. How come I get email every day from sorority girls wanting me to see them showering at the house when these girls don’t have one? Is this just another internet lie on the scale of my wikipedia entry? The sad part is that I showed up for the shoot with a Bill O’Reilly approved falafel. He likes seeing women use them in the shower.

SAYING NO

Dr. Phil’s people have called me three times now begging for me to appear on his show. He really wants to explore my “Slacker WIth No Shame” lifestyle. But he can’t handle the truth. And I don’t think my life can fully be explored at 9 a.m. on broadcast TV. I’m late night HBO. I don’t want to scare sick children. Hopefully Dr. Phil’s weasel won’t try to suck up to me with a fruitbasket. I can resist a fresh pineapple. I will however accept a free trip to Cathouse. I can work out some issues with an intense therapy session with Bridget the Midget.

Can the IRS tax me for comp sex at a brothel? They’re going after the Oscar gift baskets. I’m delighted that the comp circus is getting screwed up. Too many E! specials about the freebies is pretty pathetic.

PARIS VS KFED

The loser of this battle of the golden throats: People with ears.

TRIPLE DIP DELIGHTS

Remember the first time your favorite movie came out on DVD? Think back all those five or six years. Weren’t you excited? And try to capture the feeling you had when they announced a few years later when they’d have a special edition hitting the shelves with tons of bonus features and the promise of a remastered video transfer? And you bought it because damn it, you wanted those kick ass bonus features. You tolerated the double dip into your wallet because they got it right this time.

Well this year the studios have gone for the triple dip! Scarface,, James Bond, and Frankenstein are begging to become triplets on your video shelf. How many times does New Line expect folks to repurchase the various Lord of the Rings titles? And George Lucas is about to pull an amazing fast one on Star Wars fans. This month he releases the first three films (Phantom Menace and its poor cousins get to the back of the line) with a bonus DVD containing the original theatrical cuts. It was all the buzz when it was announced. Of course Lucas immediately deflated the joy of those who wanted to see Han shoot Greedo first. He announced that he’ll be just yanking this transfer off the laserdisc master. It’d be non-anamorphic with no real retouching.

But this isn’t Lucas’ greatest sin against fans. What’s leaked out is that next year for the 30h anniversary, he’s going to once more buff up the films and put them out in a mega-boxset. The original cuts will be included. So those of you who run down to Best Buy this month for the limited edition DVDs, will be contemplating buying another DVD of Empire Strikes Back in less than a year. And they aren’t even talking about the upcoming boxset being in an HD format. What’s the point?

Right now I’m staring at the Frankenstein and Dracula DVDs that Universal is shipping out at the end of September. I bought the first versions that came out in 1999. And I was pretty happy with them. When they re-issued them in 2004, I didn’t mind because they also threw in all the follow-up movies in the collection at a low price. I want my House of Dracula in the collection. Plus they threw in mini-busts of Bela, Boris and Lon as their classic monsters. Hugh Hefner has them above his bed in the The Playboy Mansion. But now the monsters are back and I’m going to fight them off. The only real bonus on each seems to be documentaries on Boris and Bela. I can’t pull the trigger on this purchase. Mostly because I know Mrs. Corey is holding a gun if they show up in the mail. I’m not a wuss. Women have that “you already own two copies, what do you need a third one for?” look in their facial vocabulary. It’s followed by the “does your mom still have space for you in the basement” lip rise.

In a few years, I’ll be wanting to upgrade to HD on a lot of titles. What’s the point in rebuying outmoded technology? Do you see me waiting for Best Buy to stock The Best of Loverboy on 8-track? MGM will be releasing new versions of the James Bond DVDs in a few months. I’m still happy with my complete collection that bought four years ago. Do I really need to upgrade Octopussy? I’m holding out till it’s HD upgrade time for 007. And even then, it’s only going to be the Connery collection that needs the 1080i action along with On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Are you laughing? It’s the most emotionally complicated Bond film. I don’t think we could have accepted Connery in the role. We’ll argue this out later. But for now let it be known that I won’t be getting any HD versions of The World Is Not Enough or Tomorrow Never Dies.

The funny thing is reading about a slowdown in DVD sales. Maybe studios could make a little more money if they wouldn’t keep recycling titles?  I shouldn’t be too harsh on Universal since they do have dipped into their vaults for a few more afternoon creeps that haven’t been warhorsed on DVD. 

The Boris Karloff Collection contains The Tower of London, The Black Castle, The Climax, The Strange Door and Night Key on three dvds.  It’s nice that Boris is getting the same treatment as Bela Lugois received last Halloween season. Although those five titles were crammed on one flipper DVD.  Inner Sanctum Mysteries: The Complete Movie Collection packs Calling Dr. Death, Weird Woman, Dead Man’s Eyes, The Frozen Ghost, Strange Confession and Pillow of Death onto 2 DVDs. These hour long chillers starred Lon Chaney Jr so it’s kinda his boxset. The folks at Universal have decided to be extra busy by putting out The Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Collection with the science scary Tarantula, The Mole People, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Monolith Monsters and Monster on Campus. All of these sets come out on Sept 19. How does Universal expect someone to still have money for the Dracula and Frankenstein DVDs that come out the next week? It must be noted that the Sci-Fi boxset is a Best Buy exclusive deal. But I’ll deal with the devil to see the Jack Arnold classics.

WES VS. THE DAN

Steely Dan’s intervention letter to Wes Anderson is posted in my discussion section. Why are the Dan more creative with their letters than their last two albums? I even grew to love Gaucho, especially after my girlfriend ran off with a latin american slimeball. My heart knew what those Babylon Sisters were shaking. But their comeback records just didn’t make me want to come forward in my passion for Donald and Walter. I blame the road for the quality of the music. They had to write music that they could play live. There could be no delicate moments that were found on Aja.

As far as their advice to Wes Anderson goes, someone needs to tell the guy that he’s working himself into that “only for the devoted” attitude. Wes has been on a creative decline since the second half of Rushmore. What was the point of the third act? Wes has mistaken artifice for entertainment. I’m still bitter at buying Life Aquatic instead of renting it. That film ruined my spoof of Blue Water, White Death that were had a production company nibbling to create.

There needs to be a reality show where Steely Dan shows up and saves artists who are in the process of screwing over their career with their genius. Of course the first episode would feature Walter and Donald shoving Kevin Federline into a wood chipper. Not that KFed is a rapping genius. We just need a ratings grabber.

WHY?

How could Fox dump Jillian Barberie as the NFL Weather gal? I’m blaming Joe Buck’s wife. I haven’t heard anything on the record, but I sense that Mrs. Buck knows that she can’t compete with Jillian’s heels. Damn all those at Fox that brought an end to an era. It’s a good thing my team is in the AFC so I won’t have to watch Fox’s pregame shows.