FRED Entertainment

March 6, 2007

QSE News: 3/6/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:19 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • Monday marked the 25th anniversary of the passing of legendary comedian John Belushi.  Belushi, who died of a drug overdose at the age of 33, was best known for his stint on Saturday Night Live, as well as the films Animal House and The Blues Brothers.  In related News, Monday also marked the 17th anniversary of… (please select appropriate joke):
    1) John’s brother, Jim Belushi, actually being a part of something newsworthy.
    2) John’s brother, Jim Belushi, actually being funny.
    3) The death of Jim Belushi’s acting career.
  • According to front man Chris Martin, Coldplay has written a “brilliant” new song. This statement comes in contradiction to comments made by his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow , who said the song is “OK, but no where as important or as brilliant as my Oscar winning performance in Shakespeare in Love.”  Paltrow also added that she was disappointed to hear that her husband was talking to the media again without her permission.
  • Jared Leto, actor and lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars, was injured during a performance this past weekend. Leto broke his nose and sustained other injuries when he ran into the crowd while singing “The Kill.” Fortunately, Leto’s mascara – or “guy-liner,” as it’s better known in the emo scene – remained intact.
  • Britney Spears has revealed herself as the Antichrist. While in rehab, Spears allegedly ran around the facility with the number 666 scribbled on her forehead shouting “I’m the Antichrist.” The only thing we here at QSE can add is… we totally [EXPLETIVE DELETED] knew it!
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 3/6/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:06 am
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The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • The late, great Moe Howard guesting on the Mike Douglas Show, with Soupy Sales in tow… (Thingamabob)
  • The Hays Code and its effect on cartoons – “Cover those udders, Flossie!”… (Thingamabob)
  • If any of our Japanese readers would like to send a set of these in to us at Quick Stop, we’d be very appreciative… (Thingamabob)
  • Gonzo’s “Jamboree,” from The Muppet Show… Chocolate Cakes! (Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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March 5, 2007

Party Favors: Guinness Record Place-Holder

Filed under: Columns,Joe Corey's Party Favors — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:06 am
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NASHVILLE – Amazing how the media has gone nuts about Al Gore’s power bill for his house. Sure it’s 10 times as big as a single family house. But I’m amazed that the media hasn’t gone that extra step in figuring out why Mr. Inconvenient Truth needs to suck that much current off the grid.

Around here, whenever a residence receives an electric bill that’s ten times more than the neighbors, the cops raid the place. Why? Because the “family” has a grow room operation in the basement. They’re privately harvesting marijuana, the devil’s weed, under the hot lights. Those bulbs burn serious wattage. Do you really think those indoor packages are sold for tomato purposes?

Why hasn’t the media (or Fox News) dared to ask the awful truth: How green is Al Gore? Is this the secret to Gore’s ability to swing with the showbiz superstars? How else can you explain why Leo wants to rub elbows with a nearly 60 year old out-of-office politician? Around here, it seems like whenever you find young kids hanging out with old guys, it’s cause they’ve got the best damn drugs in the town. Did Al provide goodie bags for the folks who drove the hybrids to the Kodak Theatre? Was Al responsible for Drew and Cameron’s smoking enjoyment on their recent beach trip? They’re greenies for Gore, right?

How can the Tennessee Center for Policy Research not insinuate the link between high power bills and growing dope with grow lights? It’s like linking large purchases of Sudafed with cooking up meth in a single-wide. Hasn’t Al Gore kept company with Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson? Why would those two loose guys spend time with a stiffie like Gore? Maybe Al shares an experience with these famous hempheads that’s better than a PowerPoint presentation?

Remember when Al Gore said he invented the internet? How many stoned people have said really goofy things when high? Here’s a couple of classic things Gore has said in the past:

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

“Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.”

Doesn’t that sound like someone who has had a couple tokes of the wacky weed? If President Clinton didn’t inhale, who did?

Will Fox News dare to conject that Al Gore’s mansion has all the suspicious qualities of a secret farm for the top cash crop in Tennessee? Why does Gore need all that security around the place? Is it to protect his Ed Begley Jr. autograph and complete Futurama DVD set? Or has Al Gore constructed a fortress of Tony Montana proportions to protect the source of his green empire? There’s enough facts in there to make it sound like the truth.

CATHOUSE FOLLOW UP

During last month’s interview with Dennis Hof, owner of the Bunny Ranch and star of HBO’s Cathouse, Dennis mentioned that his goal was to turn Starbucks into Bunny Ranch Expresses. His vision of the future sits on the shelf of your favorite videostore. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy features America in 500 years, where Starbucks gives out handjobs instead of muffins.

Dennis has been saying this for a while and the DVD of Idiocracy didn’t come out till Jan. 9. The movie made barely a blip theatrically when it was released in the fall. So Dennis wasn’t stealing Judge’s concept. This is a case of the Zeitgeist sweeping America. We all want to get a squeaky from the coffeeshop gal. Did you know that working your tongue around a barrista flesh will give you a caffeine rush? It’s true. Once I had a torrid affair with a coffeeshop girl and discovered that after a tryst, I was not ready to roll over and go to sleep. Her neck alone was the equivalent of a double shot of Espresso. One of my fond memories is how we had sex while watching Anna Nicole Smith on Howard Stern’s old E! show. While folks may say nasty things about Anna, I’ll remember our threesome as a passionate time – even if Anna was only participating via videotape.

SORRY FOR THE TYPO

Nobody wrote to correct me for spelling Darfur as “Dafur.” Thanks for not reading the column, Bill Gates.
MANN MISSES

Speaking of wacky, what exactly was Michael Mann huffing in the editing room when he spliced together his montage of “America As Seen In Movies” for the Oscar ceremony? I can excuse his obsession with the Klu Klux Klan musical number in O Brother, Where Art Thou?, but two of the clips are completely off base. First was Lucy Lui from the final battle of Kill Bill Part 1. The scene supposedly took place in Japan. What exactly does that have to do with America? The second “huh” clip was Timothy Carey talking about bugs in Paths of Glory. This is a film about French troops in World War I and was shot in West Germany. Sure the actors were American, but that wasn’t the point of the montage, Mann.

Why did you accept the assignment when you didn’t do the homework? Thanks for adding time to an already bloated program.

CONGRATULATIONS TO JACKIE EARLE HALEY

While Jackie Earle Haley didn’t win for Best Supporting Actor, he looked like a champion. Even when is name didn’t get called, he stuck around for the rest of the show. Unlike Eddie Murphy who reportedly had to leave early for a meeting over Daddy Daycare 2: Still Poopin’. When Marty finally got his Oscar glory, Jackie got up to give the man a standing ovation. Even during the E! red carpet show, Jackie was a joy to watch. Unlike Angelina Jolie, Jackie didn’t strike the “I’m too superior of a race to talk to you” pose with Ryan Seacrest on E! He gladly gabbed with Ryan and got a kick out of the fact that someone at E! located a clip of him from McGuyver. And Jackie was willing to publicly announce that he watches American Idol at home.

What does Jackie think of this year’s crop? There’s always laughter in my house when Ryan announces that coming up next is Sundance Head. Doesn’t that sound like the title of a film distributed by Strand Releasing?

The nice part is that Jackie saw Alan Arkin get the award and not Eddie Murphy. There seemed to once be a time when Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins was constantly run on crummy afternoons. It was Beastmaster of the late ’70s. There was Alan stuck inside that car with Sally Kellerman and Mackenzie Phillips. I still can’t remember the plot so much as how they stole gas on their rambling trip.

THE FIX WAS IN?

When Marty’s name was finally called from the stage, he received his trophy from Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas. It was like a reunion of Margot Kidder’s old beach party pals. It was like a Dick Clark award show at that moment. What are the odds that this trio was going to welcome Paul Greengrass or Inarritu up the stairs? The producers of the Oscars needed their big highlight moment for the clip package and they got it.

Now that Marty has won Best Director, he no longer has the cool factor of being “The Greatest Living American Director to Have Never Won the Oscar.” Now he’s just another guy with hardware. Sometimes it’s the act of exclusion that allows your myth to build. Would Shoeless Joe Jackson be as popular a topic if he was forgiven and put inside the Hall of Fame?

The sad thought is that in 10 years, people will immediately watch The Departed thinking it has to be Scorsese’s greatest film. But is it? Is it better than Goodfellas, Raging Bull, Mean Streets or King of Comedy? Of the three Marty-Leo films, it’s the most entertaining. But as far as a major director finally winning, this is on par with Carol Reed winning his Oscar for Oliver!

HE WAS IN THAT, TOO?

Matt Ross is the Robert Pine of his generation. I took notice of Ross when he played Harry Dean Stanton’s creepy son on Big Love. Since the day he went into Salt Lake City to do the Prophet’s business, he keeps popping up in other shows and movies that I’ve watched over the years. He was the lucky dork in Last Days of Disco. He was a guard on Oz. And he was the creepy bisexual executive in American Psycho. Plus he was Leo’s pal in The Aviator. He’s the guy who has the new title of Matt “Wait, he was also in that….” Ross.

What’s the most amazing thing about his career is that he’s yet to appear on any of the Law and Order series. What are the odds that an actor from near New York City could avoid the mean streets of Dick Wolf? He has appeared on CSI: Miami. Maybe someday he’ll reunite with his Oz pals on Law and Order: SVU.

GREEN IS GONE

It was sad enough when Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock and shut down green bottle operations and moved them out of Latrobe, Pennsylvania. But now the Madison Avenue suits have turned the green bottles into some sort of joke beer. What was this crap about men in thongs and a Super Bowl ad? I’m not sure cause I zoned out. And I refuse to click on the banner ads about this muck-vertising.

If Rolling Rock was a child, social services would have taken it away and the Busch family would be on Court TV.

HERE’S A RECORD

There are just too many lame records being broken in the name of the Guinness Book of World Records. Is 40,000 kids brushing their teeth really worth the ink? What about 8,000 people making snow angels? Was any seven year old dreaming of being one of 10,000 people doing the “Macarena” when they flipped through the pages in the elementary school library? These aren’t real records. Fattest twins to ride motorcycles is a record. Guy with longest fingernails is a record. Somebody needs to start telling folks, “It’s nice that folks showed up, but who really gives a crap?” Next time these goofballs want to bust a record, why not attempt the fastest time to eat a bicycle?

MAKE THIS MUSIC

Here are the ten songs I want to hear on American Idol

10. “Stupid Girl” by the Rolling Stones
9. “4’33″” by John Cage
8. “Teenage Enema Nurses In Bondage” by Killer Pussy
7. “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur
6. “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew
5. “Mahna Mahna” by the Muppets
4. “Trapped in the Closet” by R. Kelly
3. “Dick in the Dirt” by Sammy Hagar
2, “Ace of Spades” by Motorhead
1. “Pac-Man Fever” by Buckner and Garcia

There’s no guarantee that you’ll win the show, but you’ll capture America’s heart and an opening spot on Weird Al Yankovic’s next tour. How come there isn’t a Weird Al Idol? Imagine America glued to seeing our next novelty musical act discovered?

INVITE STILL OPEN

This is to remind former Steeler coach and new resident of Raleigh, Bill Cowher that my invitation for a night at Hooters is still open. After a night of wings and Yuengling, we’ll go over and egg Clay Aiken’s house.

LEAVING ME COLD

NBC-Universal is launching Chiller TV. While it sounds exciting to have a cable channel devoted to spooking the crap out of you, the schedule has frightened me away. The first few days are pretty much marathons of Alfred Hitchcock Presents (original and 1985 version), Tales from the Crypt, Night Gallery and Twin Peaks. Sure they’ll be also showing the Classic Monster Movies, but those black and white classics don’t come on till after 2 a.m. Wow… that’s so unexciting. I haven’t been this scared since I thought my doily collection was stolen by chipmunks… of the undead!

Why exactly did NBC-Universal kill Trio while developing Chiller and Sleuth? Does it take that much more energy to be creative versus creating Junk Drawer Channels? It is amazing how little you have to do to claim you’re a channel.

While it’s understandable that the dorks at NBC-Universal want to figure out ways to keep their vault active, but must it be this way? In six months, they’ll make an announcement that there will be a channel that will just show old medical shows.

BEST NEWS OF THE WEEK

The folks at Paramount Home Video are looking into releasing a best of Love, American Style boxset. Please let this be real.

ALTER MY DINING ROOM

My wife thinks that Trading Spaces really needs to bring Paige Davis back. The show without her seems like a rough cut. Paige was really able to tie the projects together and get a little bit more personality out of the families. She can’t watch more than 10 minutes of the new autopilot format. She has found a new show for remaking a room.

Sell the House! hostess Tanya Memme has become my new Home Depot Queen. I’d put my estate on the market for the chance to have Tanya paint over my dining room mural featuring the cover of Slayer’s Reign in Blood. My landlord might object to the For Sale sign, but he’ll understand the overwhelming power of a primer sprinkled Tanya. It’s not like I’m going to stop paying him rent after I sell the place. He should think of it as a sub-lease with mineral rights.

My fear is that I’ll end up having to do a pose off with Roger Hazard. My pythons are ready. That guy has a pair of guns makes the guys on ESPN Classic’s World’s Strongest Man look like they’re auditioning for Beauty and the Geek. Did he get that body from adjusting ottomen? By the end of the episode, Roger and I will see who can toss a keg over the swimming pool – lengthwise.

DR. DREW IS EVERYWHERE

How many gigs does Dr. Drew Pinsky do for a living? He does the Loveline on the radio. He does the Today Show in the mornings. He’s pushing a book about the stars. He supposedly runs a rehab center. But here’s my question – if he’s such a great rehab guy, why didn’t he cure Mary-Kate Olsen when he played her dad in New York Minute? Shouldn’t he have helped her stay off the tabloid covers? How does this guy see patients? Does he squeak them in between Access Hollywood and Dateline crews?

I wonder if Dr. Drew’s rehab center can help me kick my addiction to Sudanka – the decaffeinated numbers game. I understand the rehab business. A few years back I started the Joe Corey Rock Bottom Detox Center. It basically consisted of me kicking rich brats into the basement and giving them a bowl of Ramen noodles a day until they were cured or their parents stopped paying. This treatment was ruled barbaric by so called health care professions and Donald Rumsfeld – even after I demonstrated how on Thursdays, I’d toss down a sprinkler hose for bathday.

It’s a shame Britney Spears didn’t visit my treatment center. Remember, young female superstars, that you haven’t really hit rock bottom till you fall out of my bed.

MOP TOP

Why has Jonathan Hunt, the British Shouting Reporter on Fox News, stolen Ted Kopple’s hair? Does anyone at Fox point out that the guy needs to lose the cloth mop look?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Every time an actor appears on My Name Is Earl, do you ponder “I didn’t know they were Scientologists?”

QSE News: 3/5/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:04 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • The film Wild Hogs was number one at the box office this past weekend. The success of the film has set fears into the hearts of women across the country that their husbands will leave them and become really boring actors in a really boring movie.
  • Matt Damon is in talks to star as Captain James T. Kirk in a new Star Trek film. Producers for the film were excited to get Damon involved, although they had previously offered the job to Richard Simmons, who turned it down.
  • Former Saturday Night Live actor Tim Meadows has been cast in the upcoming TBS comedy The Bill Engvall Show. Meadows will play a doctor on the show while Engvall will play an unfunny and borderline racist comedian. The show is based on Engvall’s real life ““ except for the part about knowing a black person.
  • Singer Kelis was arrested in Miami for disrupting an undercover police sting. Kelis reportedly screamed profanities and racial slurs at two police women disguised as prostitutes. Those close to the investigation say that Kelis was upset that the “hooker’s milkshake” was better than hers.
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 3/5/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:24 am
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The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • Let’s start off Monday with a little bit of Animalympics(Thingamabob)
  • Have you ever seen Mel Brooks’s 1963 animated short The Critic? Well, you should… (Thingamabob)
  • Snoopy vs. The Red Baron, Christmas-style… (Thingamabob)
  • His idea, her idea, or a mutual decision? You decide… (Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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March 2, 2007

Comics in Context #167: New York 2007 – Blogs, Bone, and Billy

Filed under: Columns,Comics in Context — admin @ 10:43 pm
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cic2007-03-02.jpgIn this age of the Internet, you can find reports on events at major comics conventions within twenty-four hours of when they took place. Certain parties, such as the Beat, like to kid me for still writing about the San Diego Con weeks after it ended. But I like to think of myself as providing a service for those who you who did not, and perhaps could not, attend these major conventions, who want a sense of what it was like to be there, and who want to immerse themselves in detailed reports on panels of lasting interest. If you want to find out what the panelists said at the DC and Marvel panels about next month’s hot superhero titles, you can easily find that elsewhere. And that kind of news has a very limited shelf life. But if, say, you want to know what it was like to see and hear Stan Lee address audiences at this year’s New York Comic-Con, you will find it in my column’s reports. And this is a topic that people will still find interesting weeks, months, and years from now.

Checking around the Net for reports on the New York Comic-Con, I found many reports on Stephen King’s appearance promoting Marvel’s comics adaptation of his novel series, The Dark Tower. (Last year, when I reported on King’s appearance at Radio City Music Hall [in “Comics in Context” #148], some of you might have wondered what connection he has to comics. Now you know.) But I also discovered that other panels I attended, despite the importance of their subjects, received little or no coverage. So you are going to find information in my New York Comic-Con reports that you will have seen nowhere else. (But yes, I went to the King panel, too.)

Scheduling a major comics convention in New York for February is playing with fire, or, more precisely, snow. After a startlingly mild January, in which the temperature reached 72 degrees on “Twelfth Night,” January 6, the two weeks preceding this year’s New York Comic-Con (which was held from Friday, February 23 through Sunday, February 25) brought frigid temperatures and a major snowstorm. Another snowstorm struck the night of February 25, hours after the convention ended, although it did not prove to be as heavy as had been predicted. Through sheer luck, the convention took place during a stretch of sunny and relatively milder weather. Except when an occasional gust blew, the long walk from Penn Station to the Jacob Javits Convention Center did not feel like moving through an Arctic wind tunnel, as it did last year.

But if the con continued to be held in February, sooner or later it would coincide with a Northeast blizzard. Next year, the New York Comic-Con moves to April 18 through 20, thereby escaping the threat of this meteorological Sword of Damocles.

So, yes, the cold was bearable this year, as long as you didn’t have to spend too much time out in it. But on Saturday and Sunday mornings I arrived at the Javits Center to find a long, long line of attendees who stood outside, exposed to winds off the nearby Hudson River. Reportedly, those who got in line at 10 AM on Saturday, when the convention opened for the day, didn’t get in till noon. Keep in mind that Saturday was sold out in advance, so all the people waiting outside that morning already had tickets.

THURSDAY 11 AM
Luckily, I didn’t have to join this shivering throng, since I was the grateful possessor of an all-powerful press badge. In fact, for me the convention really started on Thursday morning, when I went to the Javits Center for a meeting of the writers for Publishers Weekly‘s online newsletter Comics Week, who would be reporting on the con.

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This is the only time all year that virtually the entire Comics Week crew gets together; there aren’t even as many of us at the San Diego Con, it seems. (I’d recommend that we all have a part after the New York Con, but we’re all too busy writing and editing articles for Tuesday’s edition of Comics Week.)

Presiding over this annual assemblage was Comics Week editor in chief Calvin Reid and his second in command, Heidi MacDonald, the Beat in person, who looked quite stylish, having let her hair flow over her shoulders, and wearing a patterned skirt and boots. Also in attendance were contributors such as manga maven Kai-Ming Cha; Laurel Maury of The New Yorker website; Tom McLean, who writes the “Bags and Boards” blog on the comics business for Variety (http://weblogs.variety.com/bags_and_boards/); and Salon comics critic Douglas Wolk (http://dir.salon.com/topics/douglas_wolk/index.html?ti=1), among others. Under Calvin’s guidance we once again figuratively fused into a great journalistic Uni-Mind, much like in Jack Kirby’s Eternals.

Last year Comics Week was still quite new, and not as yet well known. This year, though, it was rewarding to hear Calvin tell us how much Comics Week‘s impact had grown; he even quoted one major comics blogger as saying that Comics Week was the equivalent of The New York Times for comics!

Speaking of the Times, this year, as it did last year, the New York Comic-Con shared the Javits Center with the annual New York Times Travel Show. Last year the Times had the main floor of the Convention Center while the Comic-Con was crammed into the much smaller lower floor. This year the Con and the Travel Show changed places: this time we were the main event!

This year the New York Comic-Con’s organizers, Reed Exhibitions, also avoided repeating 2006’s catastrophic blunder, when they grossly oversold the number of tickets, resulting in New York City fire marshals shutting down admission to the convention on Saturday: no one could get in, even if they had advance tickets, were comics professionals, or even exhibitors who had temporarily left their booths (see “Comics in Context” #123). This year there was no such problem, and Saturday-only admission tickets were sold out before the convention even began. This meant that on Saturday there were no longer any casual, drop-in customers. Bess Braswell of DK Publishing remarked to me that the New York Con audience seemed different last year. She suggested that last year many people had come to see the sheer “spectacle,” as she put it. I expect that year’s attendees, since they had to plan coming in advance, were much more seriously committed to comics.

After the Comics Week planning session ended, I headed off to the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art (www.moccany.org) to work on editing the labels (or “story cards,” as MoCCA calls them) which I had written for “Stan Lee: A Retrospective.” For two last minute additions to the show, I ended up writing the final cards Thursday night, the night before the exhibition had its grand opening.

FRIDAY 2 PM
I returned to the Javits Center on Friday afternoon, and my first stop was at the Show Office, where the head of programming, Mark Dressler, asked me if I would moderate a Saturday afternoon panel titled “NYCC’s Behind the Panels: The 80s Superhero Renaissance,” featuring Brian Bolland (Batman: The Killing Joke), Bill Sienkiewicz (Elektra: Assassin), Walter Simonson (Thor), and Rick Veitch (The One). This fit me perfectly as the man who recently gave the lecture serties “1986: The Year that Changed Comics” at the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art. After rearranging the time of a signing I was scheduled to do for DK Publishing, I was happy to say yes.

FRIDAY 2:30 PM
My next stop was the panel “Comics Bloggers: Rewriting the Rules of Tastemaking and Trade Influence,” which was already in progress. The moderator was the omnipresent Beat, whose blog is one of the most widely read in the field of comics, and she was joined by Johanna Draper Carlson of “Comics Worth Reading” (http://comicsworthreading.com/), Chris Butcher of “Comics 212″ (http://comics212.net/), and Ron Hogan, who writes about comics for the book industry blog “Galley Cat” (http://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/).

I read “The Beat” regularly and have visited “Comics Worth Reading” in the past, but I confess that I’d never known about these other two blogs before this panel. And though the Beat certainly knows about me, I suspect the other three bloggers don’t know about “Comics in Context” either.

Loyal regular readers may even be wondering, hey, why weren’t you invited to be on this panel? Well, I don’t consider “Comics in Context” to be a blog. Webster’s New Millennium Dictionary of English defines a blog as “an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page,” and notes that it is “typically updated daily.” Instead, “Comics in Context” is “updated” once a week. Those who claim that “Comics in Context” installments run too long are mistakenly applying the “blog” model to my work. I consider “Comics in Context” to be a weekly column, the online equivalent of one of the review columns which appears in weekly publications like The New Yorker and The New York Observer. Nonetheless, much of what the panelists said about comics blogs could also apply to my online column.

One of the panel’s major points was that with the rapidly increasing mainstream acceptance of the comics medium, comics blogs are suddenly being read by people beyond traditional comics fandom. The Beat explained that within the mainstream book community, there “were people who were fans [of comics] all along,” but “now it’s cool to admit it.” Moreover, there are also “now people who are discovering it [comics] because it is the cool thing.” Later in the panel, Butcher held that it used to be that “anyone who works in comics” either “loves comics,” “loves the industry” or “stumbled into it”; “now,” he claimed, “people are getting interested in comics because they know it’ll be profitable.”

Hogan pointed out that there are “hundreds of thousands of readers out there who aren’t like us” and “didn’t know that Neil Gaiman wrote comic books” before he wrote his novels and screenplays. I’d go further, and say that Neil Gaiman is still far from being a household name (For example, do your parents know who he is?), and that you have to explain who he is to any readers who aren’t longtime comics or fantasy novel aficionados. Hogan warned comics bloggers against becoming mired in what he termed “fan isolation.”

In fact, Hogan’s own blogging is evidence that people beyond traditional comics fandom are paying attention to comics news: “Galley Cat” is aimed at the entire publishing world, not the comics subculture. As Hogan told the audience later during the panel, “I’m not really writing for a comics audience.” He explained that when he does a story about comics, it must be something that will “appeal to a mainstream audience.” Hogan joked that when he recently mentioned a certain obscure and absurd Wonder Woman villain in his blog, “I had to contextualize Egg Fu for my audience.”

Johanna Draper Carlson agreed that the audience for comics blogs was becoming “more diverse.” Chris Butcher said that “the biggest thing” he did in his blog “in the last year or two” was to “add more context.” It was a “huge change,” he asserted, in moving from writing something “really inside” for his comics fan audience to realizing that there are “a lot of people who aren’t hard core comics fans who are reading this.” Indeed, Butcher said that “more and more” he is contacted by members of the press and magazine writers with questions on subjects he has written about.

The Beat said that she was trying “to be more sensitive” to the needs of wider readership. Later, she noted that “I’ve become “˜more influential'”–drawing invisible quotation marks in the air–because her blog is now carried by Publishers Weekly.

Right from the start of my column in 2003, I’ve sought to make it accessible and comprehensible for anyone with little or no background in the subjects I address. That’s one reason why it’s called “Comics in Context,” so I’m pleased to see these bloggers likewise recognize the duty they have to their readers to “contextualize.”

Representatives of the comics industry now have to be more careful about what they say to the comics press. Butcher warned that “now not just the comics industry,” but the “whole publishing industry knows what you say” in a major comics blog. He referred to Bill Jemas and the controversial “things he said in public” only several years ago, when he was the head of publishing at Marvel. Now, Butcher averred, “he wouldn’t get away with” them.

The writers of blogs have to be careful, too. Hogan said that he would ask himself, “Is what I’m writing reasonably critical or veering into bitchiness?”
The Beat maintained, “I don’t write anything I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.”

Johanna Draper Carlson disagreed, asserting that she would “phrase” a criticism of a creator’s work differently in her blog than she would in conversation with the creator. Hogan concurred, declaring that “I’m not going to tell [Marvel editor in chief] Joe Quesada that Civil War completely sucked and it fell apart at the end,” which Hogan actually believes (adding that he had hoped in vain that the story “would be told coherently”).

Reconsidering, the Beat said that if “sometimes you will write something that’d get you punched in the face” by someone you know, “maybe you shouldn’t be that person’s friend.” But this suggests that a critic should only have friends in the business whose work he or she likes. Yet, as Carlson observed, “your opinion is not yourself; your book is not yourself.” Aesthetic differences shouldn’t get in the way of friendship.

The philosophy that I follow is that my duty as a critic is to critique the work, not the person who did the work. It should be possible to review a work of art without dealing in personal invective.

I’m also always aware not only that anyone could read anything I write on the Internet, but also that whatever I write there could potentially exist somewhere on the Net forever. (Isn’t that right, graduate students of the future?)

An audience member asked the panelists which blogs they read. The Beat mentioned the new ComicMix (http://www.comicmix.com/), but I was startled that otherwise the panelists did not mention any of the comics-related blogs I regularly visit. Not Mark Evanier’s “News from Me” (http://www.newsfromme.com), which until this point I had assumed was widely popular. Not even Neil Gaiman’s “Journal” (http://www.neilgaiman.com/journal/), which seemingly rivals his own fiction in popularity!

However, the Beat and the panelists seem to have focused their panel on blogs that deal in daily news and reviews. (So why didn’t they mention
Tom Spurgeon’s excellent “The Comics Reporter” [http://www.comicsreporter.com/]?). I find consulting one comics news blog, the Beat’s, usually sufficient for my purposes. Otherwise I enjoy blogs that provide entertaining personal perspectives on a variety of topics, not limited to comics, such as Colleen Doran’s (http://www.adistantsoil.com/blog/); Patricia Mulvihill’s (http://trishm.blogspot.com/); Peter Gillis’s, which is the most thought-provoking and superbly written blog that I know, whether dealing with comics or not (http://homepage.mac.com/petergillis/iblog/index.html); and, of course, Fearless Fred Hembeck’s (http://www.hembeck.com/FredSez.htm), which provides the same good humor as his column here at Quick Stop. I also regularly stop by Jerry Beck and Amid Amidi’s “Cartoon Brew” (http://www.cartoonbrew.com/) which is to animation news what the Beat is to comics.

Towards the end of the panel, a member of the audience asked the panelists a simple question, “Why do you blog?” “Because I can’t not blog,” replied Johanna Draper Carlson, who added that her work online “makes me a better writer, a better thinker.” her answer applies to me, too; I could stop writing this weekly column, but it means so much to me, and helps me develop my ideas about comics so effectively, that I would prefer not to.

The Beat told the audience, “I think I was born to blog.” Soon I imagined her armed with an electric guitar, performing this new variation on Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” leading the bloggers in this, their new anthem.

3:30 PM
The panels are held on the Javits Center’s first level, which is below street level. Now I ascended to the Convention’s main floor, which was Level 3.

I was immediately greeted by sights reminiscent of the San Diego Con: volunteers and security people in bright red shirts, demanding to see admission badges. Even more ominous than the Red Shirts was the sight of the elder god Cthulhu, hovering above the convention floor, just as he does in San Diego. Oh, yes, I know he looks like a gigantic smiling Pikachu from Pokemon, but I am not deceived. He lurks in full view, poised to suck the brains out of unsuspecting convention goers. And why he is starting greedily over at the Marvel booths? (That’s right, folks! In sharp contrast to the San Diego Con, there was a large Marvel ara on the convention floor, right inside one of its two main entrances.)

Immediately outside the entrance to this hall was a familiar sight from last year’s New York Comic-Con: “Car Toon,” the automobile decorated with drawings of characters from the whole history of comic books, comic strips and animation (see “Comics in Context” #125). Posing for photographers in front of the vehicle was DC’s Power Girl, busty, blonde and smiling. Nearby I saw Silent Bob, backwards cap and all, although this was a mere doppelganger, and not the True Master of the Quick Stop.

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On Friday until 4 PM only comics professionals, retailers, exhibitors, and press are allowed into the convention, and there were plenty of us: the hall was already crowded, but pleasantly so. Once the general public was let in, near-gridlock would develop here and there on the main floor.

In fact, near 4:30 PM, there was already a line waiting to go up the escalator to Artist’s Alley, which the Beat aptly renamed Artist’s Aerie, up on the fourth floor. On the way up to the Aerie, congoers passed by advertising for the Seven, a new project co-developed by Jim Shooter, and billed as “the greatest superhero team of all time.” In other words, it’s allegedly better than the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Justice League or the Incredibles. Even without seeing a Seven story, I find this hard to believe, but this won’t be the only case of hyperbole I’ll encounter at this year’s con.

If you walked all the way through Artist’s Aerie, you would find yourself in an enormous gaming area. Not interested, I turned back, failing to see that there were autograph booths along the sides of this gaming hall, to the left of its entrance. Thus, alas, I missed the opportunity to glimpse, in person, my hero Stephen Colbert, who was signing autographs at the from 4:30 to 5:15 PM on Friday, to promote Oni Press’s Stephen Colbert’s Tek Jansen, the comics mini-series based on his lookalike sci-fi hero. And why shouldn’t Dr. Colbert attend the New York Comic-Con? Is he not The Real Captain America?

Damn! I missed my chance to see an uniquely talented man who has devised a brilliantly comedic public persona for himself, and is a master of satiric irony. Would there be anyone else at the Comic-Con who matches that description? Yes, as you shall see.

The Javits Center is not only a long, cold walk from Penn Station, but also from any restaurants, and I hadn’t had lunch yet. Luckily, I reminded myself, there is an enormous food court on Level 1. I headed down there only to discover that, despite the presence of two major conventions, the Food Court wasn’t open. So I trekked back up to Level 3, where I was able to buy a sandwich, apple, and fruit juice for twice what they would cost at my local deli.

5:30 PM
The star of the next panel, “Jeff Smith Spotlight,” introduced himself to the audience: “I’m Jeff.”

“Hi, Jeff!” the audience enthusiastically called back, before breaking into applause for the writer, artist and creator of the comedy/fantasy/adventure comic book series Bone, who is currently providing his take on the original Captain Marvel in DC Comics’ Shazam!: The Monster Society of Evil limited series.

Looking around Room 1E15, where Jeff Smith was speaking, presented an unusual sight for a comics convention. There were kids here! And I don’t mean teenagers. I mean there were a goodly number of small children, members of the demographic that was once the traditional audience for comic books. In a time when Marvel shows us Spider-Man’s eye being gouged out (in a canonical story) and Mary Jane grotesquely dying thanks to Spidey’s radioactive semen (in the alternate reality of Spider-Man: Reign #3), and DC’s Blue Beetle gets his brains blown out on-panel, Jeff Smith has performed the miracle of creating in Bone an entertaining comic for all ages that is not only an acclaimed work of art but a commercial hit.

Smith’s presentation consisted principally of a slide show via the newfangled technology of PowerPoint, pairing “images that inspired me” in the real world with their counterparts in Bone.

Most of the natural landscapes in Bone were inspired by Old Man’s Cave Park, near Smith’s home in Columbus, Ohio. In one direction, he told us, are the “nearby foothills of Appalachia,” with their “rolling hills.” Turn south, he told us, and you will find “waterfalls” and “cliffs.” Old Man’s Cave itself, after which Smith titled Book 6 of Bone, is “more like a huge overhanging, a huge ledge,’ as he showed us in a photograph projected onscreen.

As for the kingdom of Atheia in the last third of Bone, Smith said he didn’t want to do the “European kind of kingdom” that you see in Snow White. “I decided to make it something Eastern,” Smith told us. “So I went to Katmandu.” Describing the photos he was showing us, Smith said Katmandu was “like Atlantis,” in that it was “a place that used to be powerful” and “a great kingdom” that “has fallen down a bit in recent times.”

Stating that “Bone takes place in a medieval time,” Smith then showed us a medieval European painting of people separating wheat from chaff; he said he wanted to be accurate in showing how such things were done at that stage of history.

Smith next showed a slide of a “prayer stone” with the eyes of the Buddha, and amusingly showed how he had adapted it into the face of Bone‘s Red Dragon.

Why was he showing us all of this? “When you’re drawing a comic,” Smith explained, “it really helps to look at stuff and make things real.”

This portion of his presentation wound up with a photograph of “the Standing Stones of Stenness” in the Orkney Islands off the coast of Scotland.
Smith spoke of “the quiet and the peace of that ancientness.” He continued, “You feel that kind of mystery,” which is “why you want to tell stories in the first place.”

For the second part of his visual presentation, Smith gave us a preview of the second issue of his Shazam series, which went on sale the following Wednesday. First, Smith explained the historical significance of its hero, the original Captain Marvel. Oddly, though, Smith referred to him as Shazam, which is actually the name of the elderly wizard in the series. By speaking Shazam’s name, young orphan Billy Batson magically transforms into the super-powerful Captain Marvel. (DC calls its Captain Marvel series Shazam in order to avoid violating Marvel Comics’ trademark.)

Each of the letters in Shazam’s name stands for a classical god or hero (or, in the case of S, the Jewish king Solomon), who represents a particular attribute. Smith tried to remember all of them, as the audience shouted out these he had forgotten. (“Zeus!” Smith exclaimed. “How could you forget Zeus?”)

Smith explained that in the 1940s “Shazam“ “outsold Superman“ and even “outsold Mickey Mouse,” and was the “most popular comic” ever, but had never since recaptured that level of popularity.

In the second issue of Smith’s Shazam series, Billy finds Mary, the sister he didn’t know he had. “I’m no Neil Gaiman,” Smith said, alluding to the Sandman author’s renowned expertise at performing his own work, “but I’m going to try to do a reading.” Actually, Smith proved to be quite good at it.

Reading his own dialogue aloud as he projected comics pages onscreen, Smith recounted how Billy, searching for his sister, visits a circus featuring “The Great Carlini and his world-famous Monster Society of Evil!!” The ringmaster’s name is a homage to DC editor Mike Carlin, but Mike’s cameo role does not last long, as he is gobbled up by talking alligators. (“The monsters have eaten the Great Carlini!”) This doesn’t come off as horrific, but as the stuff of traditional fairy tales. LIke the witch in “Hansel and Gretel,” the alligators hunger for “Tender, juicy children!”

One of the alligators seizes little Mary Batson, but Billy turns into Captain Marvel and rescues her. Coming to his aid is Smith’s revamped version of another classic character from the original Captain Marvel series, Mr. Tawky Tawny, the talking tiger.

LIstening to the audience’s reaction, I could see how well Smith captures the spirit of classic children’s literature. As Captain Marvel battles the alligators, the adults at the circus flee for their lives. “All the adults just give up on the children,” Smith observed, and the real audience laughed knowingly. Smith’s voracious but cowardly alligators (“We’ve lost! Quick! Eat the children!”) likewise earned appreciative laughter from both adults and children.

Smith left us with a cliffhanger, as Captain Marvel sights an enormous humanoid figure, its head literally in the clouds. Unprompted, audience members reacted with BIlly Batson’s favorite expression, “Holy moley!” And with the PowerPoint presentation finished, the audience applauded.

Smith then took questions from the audience, mostly from kids. The first of these kids started out, “I’m not sure of you remember any of the Bone books,” to audience amusement. The questioner wanted to know which volume of Bone was Smith’s favorite; Smith said Book #4, which turned out to be the kid’s favorite as well.

A thirteen-year-old wanted to know if there would be a Bone movie. “If you won’t let them change it and make it bad, you can’t make a movie,” Smith replied. Stating that he used to run an animation studio in Columbus, Smith conceded that “It could be done if I did it myself, but it’d be so much work.” He then reassured the questioner, “Don’t give up hope. It may happen someday.”

Discussing his relationship with Scholastic, the publishers of the color version of Bone, Smith said that “someone” at the company “was worried” about beer being served in a tavern in Bone, and “wanted to change it.” Smith didn’t, and “to Scholastic’s credit it was not a problem.”

Here Smith revealed that “I didn’t originally write it [Bone] for children. I wrote it for everyone.” He said that he likes works such as Huckleberry Finn and Star Wars which “start out as adventures” and “become more sophisticated.” Smith declared that “It’s parents and teachers who made it [Bone] a children’s book, not me.”

In any event, Smith said, he pointed out that the “good characters” in Bone don’t drink beer. The beer stayed in Bone, and Smith also noted that there’s beer, called “butterbeer,” in the Harry Potter books (which Scholastic also publishes in America).

Smith originally did Bone in black and white, but Scholastic wanted to redo it in color. Smith said that Scholastic had hired Art Spiegelman and his wife Francoise Mouly as consultants, and that “Art thought Bone should be in color.” Smith continued, “I resisted it at first.” He explained that “I spent a long time learning how to draw comics in black and white.” Smith told us, “I drew dawn in black and white. Do you know how hard that is?”

Smith also noted the irony that Spiegelman’s most famous work, Maus, is in black and white. But Spiegelman told him, “Bone is about life and it should be in color.” What finally convinced Smith, he informed us, was when Spiegelman told him, “It won’t be done until it’s in color.”

“I had a lot of concerns about doing it in color,” Smith concluded, “but in the end I’m really pleased with it.”

An eight-year-old in the back of the room asked, “How did you get the idea for Bone?”

Smith replied that “I was five or six when I was drawing different characters.'” One of them, “with his mouth open, looked like an old telephone receiver.” Smith therefore “called him Fone Bone” and “never stopped drawing him.” Fone Bone, he told us, “became a friend.”

Another questioner wondered, “Why do Smiley and Phoney”–the other Bone cousins–“wear clothes and Fone Bone doesn’t?”

“You’d probably have to ask my analyst,” replied Smith, who then said it was simply the “tradition” of funny animal stories according to which Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants, and Mickey Mouse wears pants but often no shirt. Smith hypothesized that it seems talking animals must wear “just a piece of clothing” so we know this isn’t a realistic “nature” story.

Smith told the audience that he wanted his readers to “focus” on “character” and “the story,” not on how the book is drawn. This reminded me of Scott McCloud’s Making Comics, in which one of his four categories of comics artists is the Animists, who are devoted to “putting craft entirely in the service of its subject,” so that “the teller of the story all but vanishes in the telling” (see “Comics in Context” #156).

Asked what he would be doing after Shazam, Smith answered that he would be “working on an independent project,” whose title he would announce “at the end of this year or next year.”

At the end of the panel an audience member recalled Smith’s previous statement that he had regarded Fone Bone as his childhood friend. The questioner insightfully asked if ending the Bone series was “like losing a friend.”

Smith replied that his “wife would say yes,” and that he would say “possibly.” But Smith “doesn’t think so,” and asserted he “had a great time” working on the comic. He admitted he “had trouble ending it, not because I didn’t want to, but because I wanted to end it right.”

Then he concluded, “and I can go visit Fone Bone anytime.”

ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MYSELF
On Monday March 5 at 6:30 PM I will be giving a lecture at the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art in New York City in connection with its current show “Stan Lee: a Retrospective.” My subject will be the height of Stan Lee’s collaboration with Jack Kirby on “the Galactus trilogy,” “This Man, This Monster,” and other mid-1960s classics you can find in Essential Fantastic Four Vol. 3.

You can find my Comics Week reports on Stan Lee and Stephen King’s appearances at the New York Comic-Con here. For further details about their panels, please come back here next week.

Copyright 2007 Peter Sanderson

10 Quick Questions: Brandi Engel

Filed under: 10 Quick Questions,Columns,Interviews,Trailer Park — admin @ 12:37 am
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By Christopher Stipp

Archives? Right Here…

This year we’re already listening to stories about how this could be the first time we get a woman to run for the White House. This year we’ve talked about how this is the first Super Bowl with two black head coaches. These events are just white noise around the fact that no one is talking about: these are all simply Americans who are now afforded an equal playing field that those who came before them had to hoe with their blood, sweat and sacrifice. To ascribe any more importance to the continual struggle we all face in our lives is to forget that there are far more important people who deserve the right to be singled out and BELIEVE IN ME deserves that honor. This is more than just a movie about women’s basketball, it’s a snapshot of how we went from irate and indignant when it came to equal rights for women in the 60’s to indifferent in the era of the WNBA.

Never mind segregation, women and their place in organized sports was also just another way that a specific and directed patriarchal societal bubble, because there are still pockets of them in existence today whether we care to admit it or not, defined what women should be doing with their free time.

No one bothered to ask the women what they wanted and in this film, directed by Robert Collector and starring Jeffrey Donovan as a coach who wants nothing more than to lead a band of boys, only to be saddled with a gaggle of girls who have the drive to want it more than their XY counterparts, you get the story of a man’s definition of what a woman is. By film’s end you see a unique evolution in the man the girls call “Coach” as he sees what everyone else should have known all along: Women deserve to be treated just as savagely on the court as their male counterparts and, if necessary, they can mix it up on the court just as well.

As such, these women are not fragile, even though some of their lives are depressingly fractured, and this film showcases the intrinsic toughness of these players as it’s seen through the eyes of one coach who has to struggle with getting over his own inability to see through a sex barrier that, again, is still appallingly present in more than just a handful of men.

The film’s use of place, Oklahoma in the 1960’s, and cinematography are effective enough to tell the story with accuracy and attention to detail. There is no snappy soundtrack, there is no schmaltzy ending that plagues so many other sports narratives and has single-handedly killed the form, there are no bombastic, self-serving, grandiose monologues where we’re led away from feeling like this is game and, instead, feels like a battle cry for war. Additionally, no, this movie will not change your world view but what it will do, however, is ask you to see where women were so many years ago and how, through fighting and struggling, the reason why you’ve come to enjoy Title IX benefits is because it all goes back to the ladies who had to blaze a path where there wasn’t one.

The story moves quick, we’re not left to meander through meaningless plot lines and what we get is a tightly controlled script that does what it needs to do and gets out when it should. What we get, then, is a movie that simply pays homage to a very real moment in our nation’s time line without it ever feeling pushy or false.

In an age when I wish we all could just see each other as Americans, instead of separate tribes in need of constant back-patting and fluffing by those who think they’re doing us all a favor by pointing out the apparent inequities that we’re all big enough to see for ourselves, this movie just warms you to the marrow when you see how many different ways one man could have walked away from a perceivably bad situation at a very bad time and in a very bad place for it to happen but, instead, just shuts everyone up and allows a team of women to play the same game their male brethren play while accomplishing what the boys could not: winning a championship.

I had the honor of talking to one of the young women who portrays Candy Brown, a pivotal player in the team’s cohesion, and her name is Brandi Engel. She’s a woman who has nary anything else ascribed to her resume and, as such, I took the chance to inquire about her career as an actress in Hollywood, what this film meant to her and where she plans to go from here.

BELIEVE IN ME opens in select cities on March 9th.

CHRISTOPHER STIPP: Now, you have, almost literally, come out of nowhere to star in this new movie BELIEVE IN ME. One of the first questions I had about the film when I did a little research on it was that wasn’t it supposed to come out last year?

BRANDI ENGEL:
Yes, I was surprised it took so long because I’m not really familiar with the post-production of movies, considering this is my first one, but I’m just thrilled that this movie is making it into theaters. People were saying [about whether it was going to play theatrically], “Well, we’re not sure”¦”

I know it made the rounds at festivals and it did fairly well and won a couple of awards but no one was sure about what was going to happen to it. But, FINALLY, it’s going to come out in theaters on March 9th.

STIPP: It’s in limited release but do you know which cities?

ENGEL: On the website, BelieveInMeMovie.com, they list all the cities but I know that, actually, they’re all big basketball cities.

STIPP: The movie was set in Oklahoma, right?

ENGEL: Yes, but we filmed in New Mexico.

STIPP: I heard that but why the odd difference in location?

ENGEL: I’m not sure exactly why but since it takes place in the 60’s and where we filmed, in small towns around Albuquerque, for example we filmed a lot in a town called Clovis, and it looked exactly like the period in which this story takes place.

STIPP: The movie captures that sense of place really well. It’s not ostentatiously thrown in there for effect but it melds the flavor of the time with the story in a nice way. I can see why they decided to film around those parts, as well. I’ve driven through a lot of New Mexico and some parts really are trapped in a time warp. How long did you shoot?

ENGEL: The shoot was about three months.

STIPP: When I watched the film I noticed you were on crutches for a long time. Did the person you portrayed really suffer that long with that injury?

ENGEL: It’s actually a crazy story, about me on crutches”¦Yes, I get hurt in the script but I actually got hurt, for real, while filming the movie. We were filming this basketball scene, I was going for a layup, and I landed on one of the opposing team’s, one of the girl’s, shoes and my ankle just gave out.

So, I got a pretty good sprain. It was my first sprain and they always say that the first sprain is always the worst. So, yeah, it was like, “Oh, great. Perfect.” This just had to be a basketball movie. So I was, sort of, out of commission for the rest of the film but I really lucked out because I was supposed to be on crutches anyway. So, in the end, they just had to rework some of the schedule to give me some time to heal”¦just give me some time to heal before we filmed some of the running scenes. But I was always taped and when we were filming my foot was in a bucket of ice to try and get the swelling down.

STIPP: Well, considering your injury, did any of the pivotal moments in the telling of this team’s story have to be tweaked to accommodate what happened to you?

ENGEL: Well, there were scenes that I should have been in but they just didn’t show me because of what happened. They were on a time schedule and had to get it done. And, you know, I just loved being there. It was my first film and I’m sure anyone else who did their first film just enjoyed every minute of it.

STIPP: Tell me about that. From what little I can read about what you did before all this happened you went to LA for what should have been a seven day jaunt turned into three weeks.

ENGEL: Well, in Pittsburgh, I had a solid theater background. Musical theater, actually. I’ve been singing, dancing and acting for as long as I can remember. So anytime when someone would come and offer a workshop, like an acting workshop, I’d attend. This guy, John Homa, the acting coach for General Hospital, came back several times to offer his workshop and got to know me a bit. He told me that there was something different about me and asked whether I’d ever thought to go out to LA and pursing a career. I thought, my parents would kill me.. “Hey I’m going to Hollywood. Bye!”

No one in my family is in the arts. They’re all business people. It has always been, “Get your education”, “Get your education”, “Get your education.” So, what I told John was that, “As much as I’d love to and as much as I have it in me”¦I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” He ended up calling my parents and said, “Look, just come out for a week. I can show you around, see how it is, I can take you on set for General Hospital”¦” And this is all right before I went to college. At this time I already had my roommate, we had already picked out bedding”¦I was going to school.

But, while I was in LA, I got introduced to this manager somehow and, even after I explained that I was leaving in a few days, for the fun of it, she gave me this cold read for some project and I read it. She said, “Oh my gosh. Wait, don’t go anywhere. Don’t move. They’re casting for this movie, BELIEVE IN ME. I think you’d be good for this part. Here, read the part.” And here I was saying, “Uhhhh, OK.” It was a whirlwind. I connected with the part. The script was just wonderful and it was such an uplifting story.

So, I went in, auditioned, went to the callbacks and the last callback was a basketball tryout, got the film, filmed it and decided to go back to college. I had a scholarship at Duquesne University in Pittsburgh and they could only hold my scholarship for so long. So, I had to go, put that into place and just get started with that. So, now I’m back and the movie is finally coming out.

STIPP: Are you still in school?

ENGEL: I’m taking this semester online.

I have an agent who said that if I could get my classes online I should come out for pilot season”¦Because I figure if I forget about the acting thing and go back to school I would forget about all of this and move on. I mean, everyone wants to be an actress and I can’t stop thinking about it and I just have it in me to do it. I love it.

STIPP: Are you working on anything right now? Anything coming up?

ENGEL: Right now, no. I’ve only actually been in Los Angeles for two weeks so I’m just kind of getting acclimated. I’ve been to some meetings and some auditions but nothing big yet.

STIPP: One of the items I read about your biography was that someone tried to steer you away from doing serial soaps, they called it “bad acting” and that you don’t want to get pigeon holed in that genre. I know a lot of A-list actors who came through the soap system and I’m curious to know if you felt”¦

ENGEL: I don’t think soaps are a form of bad acting, at all. I was told, and I’m still really new at everything, you have to be careful in the way you start your career because it’s easy to get typecasted. I mean I hear different things, of course, because, you’re right, there are all these other actors who have become successful, but some people have told me, “It’s not right you.”

STIPP: So, where’s your focus? School, acting?

ENGEL: I definitely, no matter what, want to finish my degree. But, if something big does come up, and I am thankful that Duquesne is willing to work with me, I am willing to take the work if it’s offered to me.

STIPP: BELIEVE IN ME kind of challenges the genre of the sports film, bucking the kind of trend that you see in movies like REMEMBER THE TITANS or GLORY ROAD, in that the material is treated with reverence and not exploited for that sort of big orchestra moment where the “final game” is where the entire of the focus of the film rests. Did the way they were going to shoot this movie, how they were planning on telling this story, opposed to the “Disney Treatment,” as it were, come across in the script? Did its unique angle immediately jump off the page?

ENGEL: Yes, absolutely. And what really surprised me was that the coach in the film, Jeffery Donovan, he did a fantastic job and he did a nice job in explaining that this was more than just a basketball movie. And what really made us realize, and appreciate, what we were doing was when we met the real team that this movie is based on. We met the real coach, Jim Keith and his wife and all the girls who he influenced and coached, and it really hit home for me. And, when I met the woman who I was playing in the movie, just talking with her about how this man changed her whole life made me see how it paved the way for women’s sports and where they are today.

We were also very much alike. We did this one interview with everybody and we ended up wearing the same thing to the interview. When I met her, when I first met her, we wore the same thing, black pants, a white shirt and a black cardigan. It was a little spooky. And, talking with her, this all was more than just a basketball movie. As well, in the movie when the coach and his wife talk about adoption it hit home for me because my family adopted my brother from Russia. That was an amazing experience and I think that this film helps to also support the idea of adoption.

STIPP: And what the real coach feel about the legacy he’s left for those who have come after him in the realm of women’s sports?

ENGEL: Every scene we did he seemed to have tears in his eyes. You could tell that he definitely wanted this story to be told and he was so supportive and the stories he told us were just”¦he was just full of thankfulness.

I feel like we did this movie for him.

##

QSE News: 3/2/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:29 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • Sopranos actor Vincent Pastore has announced that he is backing out of the new season of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.  Speculation centered on Pastore, 60, being unable to keep up physically with the demanding training sessions, but when asked as to why he was forgoing a stint on the successful show, Pastore responded that he’d “hate to have to bust Heather Mills one good knee if it looked like she was gonna beat me.  And besides, I don’t think the show can handle two “˜Big Pussys.’ Know what I’m sayin’?”
  • Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, co-executive producers for the hit TV show Lost, have signed a new deal with ABC Television that will keep them with the station till 2010.  The deal will elevate the pair to Executive Producers and give them a chance to develop new shows for the network.  The first new show, Missing, will debut in 2008 with other shows, such as Misplaced and Lost 2: Electric Boogaloo, premiering shortly thereafter.
  • Jeff Goldblum has won a permanent restraining order against a woman he claims has been stalking him for years.  After hearing testimony from both sides, a Superior court judge ruled that the woman, Linda Ransom, must stay at least 100 yards away from the aging actor.  When asked if the punishment was too harsh, the judge reportedly pointed out that “the general public stays at least 50 yards away from anything Glodblum touches.”
  • And finally today, a new book on the life of Bob Dylan will be released later this year. The book, titled Bob Dylan: Intimate Insights From Friends And Fellow Musicians, will feature stories from friends and fellow musicians such as The Beatles, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty, among others. Dylan’s voice coach will not be featured in the book.
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 3/2/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:27 am
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The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • This has got to be one of the most poorly conceived educational videos for kids I have ever laid eyes on… And it’s got The Fonz! (Thingamabob)
  • How great is voice artist extraordinaire Frank Welker? This great… (Thingamabob)
  • Okay, this is a good way to fry your eyes… (Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

##

March 1, 2007

Music For The Masses: 3/1/07 or The “Loose Ends” Edition

Filed under: Columns,Music for the Masses — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:23 am
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Hey everybody!! Well, I was planning on keeping things shorter than Britney’s hair this week because my parole”¦ I mean, my”¦ umm, boss has me pickin’ up all kinds of stuff and I didn’t have a whole lotta time to chit chat. But that was before J.D. and Double A sent in their stuff. So, as a result, we are filled to the brim with goodness this week as I spend some time tying up loose ends, so to speak, by paying a long overdue visit to an old friend of Quick Stop, Mr. Neil Innes, and reviewing some recent concerts in traditional Hiaku. Plus, J.D. drops by with a huge slice of 80’s cheese and Double A checks in with the latest from the Wisemen. So, what do you say? You ready to have a wee bit o’ fun? How’s about we find out?

Loose Ends #1: An Album You Should Check Out…

m4m-innes

Neil Innes

Album: Works In Progress

Sounds like: Mark Knopfler singing the tunes of Paul Simon while jacked up on some whacky, hybrid mix of LSD, MDMA and carpet cleaner.

Now, I don’t usually open up like this, but I’m going to tell you folks something that I wouldn’t normally share with the common folk. However, considering that we are “tight n’ shit” and that I love each and every one of you more than Oscar-After-Party-No-Show Eddie Murphy loves a hooker with nuts, I thought I’d share a personal tid-bit about myself”¦

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Holy crap, Eddie! You can see “her” “Klump!”

I have a man-crush. Now, I’m sure many of you are out there, right now, saying to yourself, “Well, yeah, M.C., I have a man-crush on [INSERT SPORTS FIGURE, NIGHTLY NEWS ANCHOR, DATELINE’S CHRIS HANSEN, JALEEL WHITE, WIFE’S CO-WORKER’S REALLY-HOT HUSBAND HERE], too. Big deal.” Yeah, well, the big deal is that I’ve never had one of these before and honestly? I’m scared. In fact, I haven’t been this scared since Tom Cruise called down the wrath of Xenu on my head for calling him a “silly-little, couch-bouncin,’ fruity-bitch©.”

m4m-cruise

“Hey Oprah!! Here’s the face I make as Katie thumbs my butt. EEEEEE!!!!”

But honestly, I felt that it was time to come clean about my huge-honkin’, wicked-ass case of man-love for Neil Innes. Of course, I’m not talking the kind of “man-love” where Neil and I spoon on the bed, watching Will & Grace and humming “How Deep Is Your Love?” as we cup each others junk in a gentle embrace. Au contraire, mon ami. This is the kind of man-love that comes out of a deep appreciation for and respect of a man’s work”¦ and besides, umm, he looks TOTALLY hot in jeans, but I digress. Now, for those of you sitting at work/home right now going “who in the hell is this Neil Innes guy anyway?,” well, I’m afraid that I’m going to defer to Quick Stop’s EIC, Mr. Kenneth “Boom Boom” Plume, who did one hell of a bang up job telling you just “who in the hell this Neil guy is, anyway” right here.

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Nope. Sorry. I can’t tell you much more about Neil’s storied past over and above what Ken wrote, basically because my knowledge of that past is “sketchy at best,” but I can tell you what I think of his ‘new” disc, Work In Progress. In a word, it’s fucking brilliant. Okay”¦ that was two words. Screw you. Make you feel special always correcting people? Fucker. But seriously, though, this is truly an amazing disc and, I would wager, a bit surprising. You see, considering that the man has spent a good portion of his career lampooning the Beatles, crafting tunes for Python and exploring the depths of Dada-infused jazz with the Bonzo Dog Dada Band, it is surprising to me to hear this exceptionally talented man veer away from spot-on parody, humor and the “all over the board,” trip-adelic jazz of past discs and embrace the more subtle and moody side of his melodic songwriting ability. Sure, the disc still hints at the whimsical and absurd, but this is much more of a “serious” affair and there is an undercurrent running through these tracks that is introspective, poignant, sharp and, at times, cutting.

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This entire disc is an aural treat, but the stand out tracks for this reviewer include the subtle balladry of “All Alone,” “Charlie (“Who gives a fuck about who shuts the fuck up?”) Big Potatoes,” the world-music infused “One Of These People” (which sounds like Innes singing with Johnny Clegg and Savuka) and the romping and cheeky polka of “Eye Candy.” Truly a treat, folks. Give it a spin and behold the man-love incurring glory of Mr. Neil Innes!!

m4m-hung4

LOOSE ENDS #2″¦ CONCERT REVIEWS”¦

One of the “perks” related to being a “music reviewer” is the ability to see numerous live shows as various “bands” stagger and swagger through my cow-state in search of villages to plunder, virgins to de-flower and copious amounts of beer to drink. In the past week and a half, I caught three, count them, three, live acts here in our fair city. Rather than write up some boring-ass reviews of each show, I thought it would be more fun (read: EASIER) to do the concert reviews in Hiaku, the ancient Japanese poetic form. Now, for those of you “not in the know,” Haiku is, according to the lazy-college-student-handbook, or, as I like to call it, Wikipedia:

“a mode of Japanese poetry, the late 19th century revision by Masaoka Shiki of the older hokku (発句, hokku?), the opening verse of a linked verse form, haikai no renga. The traditional hokku consisted of a pattern of approximately 5, 7, 5 on. The Japanese word on, meaning “sound”, corresponds to a mora, a phonetic unit similar but not identical to the syllable of a language such as English.”

Yeah. Whatever. Well, without further ado, here are my concert reviews and please”¦feel free to count along with the syllables:

The Shins @ The Fillmore

m4m-shins

A winter’s wet dream,

Pansy rockers came to town.

Album great!! Show? Blew.

Glen Phillips (former lead singer of Toad the Wet Sprocket) @ The Soiled Dove

m4m-glenn

Glen, you dopey “˜tard.

Why’d you leave that kickin’ band?

Your new tunes bore me.

Blue October @ The Ogden

m4m-blue

Crazy Ass Fucker,

Your new disc gave me a bone.

Your concert? HUGE bone!!

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m4m-wise

When I first heard about this album, it was hyped as Think Differently Music Presents: Wisemen Approaching. That in itself was enough to get me to pick up this album. See, if you don’t know, Think Differently Music is the brainchild of Bronze Nazarath, who coincidently is one of the 4 members of Wisemen. In 2005, Think Differently Music released one of the best hip hop albums in the last few years with Wu-Tang Meets Indie Culture. This album combined Wu-Tang Clan members with stars of the underground scene such as MF Doom, Del Tha Funky Homosapeien and Aesop Rock. This was a GREAT album, which led to my interest in this particular Wisemen CD. But something strange happened when I actually picked up this new album. Nowhere on it does it even mention Think Differently Music. “Odd,” me thought. That little fact really has nothing to do with this review. I just need to waste space. Is this space fully wasted? Good, now we can move on.

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Now, Wisemen Approaching isn’t a bad album, but it falls into the same trap that a lot of recent releases. It’s fairly boring. Taking each song and listening to it on it’s own the songs are good, but taken as a whole, the album kind of drones on. Out of all the tunes, the track “Associated” breaks up the monotony of the rest of the album. “Associated,” featuring the Wu-Tangs own GZA is a great track. The beats are good and the raps come out fast and crisp. The song just has an energy to it that isn’t reflected on the rest of the album. The other songs all use a very mellow beat with a slow drawl for the vocals. Like I said, this is fine on a song for song basis, but over the whole album, it gets a little repetitive. Aside from “Associated” nothing on this album just out at me as says “listen, fat ass. This is some good music. Now go get me some cookies.”

m4m-ass

Mmm… cookies… and diet soda!!!!

Wisemen Approaching isn”t a bad album, but it is far from the near perfection that was Wu-Tang Meets Indie Culture. Hopefully Bronze Nazareth will get things back on track with the next album. I’m not upset about picking this album up, but I could have been a lot happier. Now all I gotta do is waste a little more space because otherwise, M.C. gets crazier than Brittany with a Flowbee®. So, um, crazy weather we’re having, eh? How ’bout them Mets? Um, well, that’s all I got, so I’m going to go grab me some of those aforementioned cookies.

m4m-flava2

m4m-reverb

Reverb… with J.D.

Recently I got to talking with a friend of mine about baby clothes; she was excited because she had just picked up a onesie for her niece that said “Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner.” (For you youngsters out there, that was Patrick Swayze’s signature line in the 1980s cheese-movie Dirty Dancing. If you haven’t seen it yet, just sit on the couch for 12 hours and start flipping through channels”¦you’ll come across it).

m4m-baby

Baby clothes: Not as boring to talk about as you might think

This little bit of awesomeness got me to thinking about Swayze. If I were to name the greatest cheesy movies of the 80’s (a decade LUSH in cultural cheese) the first three that instantly come to mind are 1) Urban Cowboy (my favorite movie of all-time), 2) Road House, and 3) Dirty Dancing. Not only does Swayze star in two of those, but a little bit of digging on imdb.com reveals that his wife and mother (Lisa Niemi and Patsy Swayze) choreographed the dance sequences in Urban Cowboy.

Wow! That’s almost too much information to process. Throw in Red Dawn, Uncommon Valor, and Ghost, and you can make an airtight case that Swayze was–for a decade at least, but maybe for all-time–the undisputed King of So-Bad-They’re-Good movies.

m4m-pat

Dancer, Bouncer, Dead Guy: Versatile enough to suck in almost any role.

(Of course, he subsequently pushed his luck and made To Wong Foo, Something Something, Julie Newmar, a movie that nobody watched, and for which the soundtrack likely included “Taps” (to mark the end of his acting career). But considering that he hasn’t been seen since then, doesn’t now seem like a good time for Quentin Tarantino to cast him in something?)

Anyway, you might be wondering ‘Hey jacka**”¦where’s the music? WHERE’S THE F*****G MUSIC?????? (I just love it when you guys utilize the ’email the author’ button at the bottom of the column. No, really. Always brightens my day.) Well lest you forget, old Pat tried to parlay his superstar status into a singing gig, even contributing an original song to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.

Swayze was neither the first nor, lamentably, the last actor to try to cross-pollinate success in Hollywood with rock stardom. It happens all too frequently, and it NEVER turns out well.

m4m-johnny

Are you listening, Johnny Depp? NEVER!!

In what other industry does rousing success inspire the idea that equal success will follow by jumping into another field? Does a football coach switch gears and apply for the basketball coaching job? Does a stripper look at a prostitute and think, ‘Hey! I could do that!’? (Okay, bad example”¦but you get the point).

On the bright side, these forays–while musical disasters–often result in superb comedy. Here then are five fantastic examples of actors making the dubious leap. Click on the song title for links to videos of each–you won’t be disappointed! In fact, they all fall into the Swayze category”¦.so SOOOO bad, they’re good.

Let’s kick it off with the master himself:

Patrick Swayze

She’s Like The Wind

Highlight: Definitely the first line of the song: “She’s like the wind”¦.through my tree.” Pure poetry!

Eddie Murphy

Party all the time

Highlight: Tie–Rick James rocks Whitney Houston’s hairdo from the same time period and Eddie’s chorus sounds like he’s singing “My girl wants to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all the tiiiiiiime.” Why can’t Flomax use this song in a marketing campaign?

Mr. T

Treat Your Mother Right

Highlight: Either the remarkably unsexy backup dancers, or Mr. T’s very sexy shorts. (However, the outstanding opening segue also deserves mention: Dissing on each other? No problem. Dissing on someone’s mother? T steps in!).

Juliette Lewis

Hot Kiss

Highlight: The fact that you get the sense that this is EXACTLY what Lewis is like in real life.

David Hasselhoff

Jump In My Car

Highlight: Too many to mention. Quite possibly the hands-down winner of the title “Greatest Video of All-Time.” Remember earlier when I said that the actor’s foray into music never turns out well? I stand corrected. This is everything you’d want a David Hasselhoff video to be, and more.

Rappers got it all wrong. “Ghost like Swayze?” Pshaw!!!

Don’t Hassel the Hoff!!

m4m-hassel

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

UPCOMING RELEASES”¦ 3/6/07

ARTIST TITLE GENRE
EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY ALL OF A SUDDEN I MISS EVERYONE ALTERNATIVE ROC
KADDISFLY SET SAIL THE PRAIRIE ALTERNATIVE ROC
BLOODJINN THIS MACHINE RUNS ON EMPTY METAL
69 EYES, THE ANGELS N/A
FIELD MUSIC TONES OF TOWN N/A
FINGER ELEVEN THEM VS. YOU VS. ME N/A
HAWKINS, TRAMAINE I NEVER LOST MY PRAISE LIVE N/A
ILLINOIS WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW? N/A
JAIN, ESSIE WE MADE THIS OURSELVES N/A
LITTLE AXE STONE COLD OHIO N/A
LMNO BOOM IT/RACE CARD N/A
MANDO DIAO LONG BEFORE ROCK’N’ROLL N/A
MANN, CHICO MANIFEST TONE VOL. 1 N/A
MENDEED THE DEAD LIVE BY LOVE N/A
MUNLY, JAY GALVANIZED YANKEE N/A
N.I.L. ST N/A
SHERWOOD, ADRIAN BECOMING A CLICHE N/A
SMOKE OR FIRE THIS SINKING SHIP N/A
STRIBORG NEFARIA N/A
SWEET, KELLY WE ARE ONE N/A
TIMES NEW VIKING THE PAISLEY REICH N/A
ANTIBALAS SECURITY ROCK
ARCADE FIRE NEON BIBLE ROCK
BIG BUSINESS HERE COME THE WATERWORKS ROCK
BLACKFIELD BLACKFIELD II ROCK
BRIGHT EYES FOUR WINDS ROCK
GREEN PITCH ACE OF HEARTS ROCK
HAMMOND, ALBERT JR. YOURS TO KEEP ROCK
HIGHER, THE ON FIRE ROCK
JONNY LIVES! GET STEADY ROCK
MRNORTH FEAR & DESIRE ROCK
ODAWAS RAVEN AND THE WHITE NIGHT ROCK
OKKERVIL RIVER BLACK SHEEP BOY (DEFINITIVE ED ROCK
ONE AM RADIO THIS TOO WILL PASS ROCK
ORANGEBURG MASSACRE MOOREA ROCK
PARKINS, ZEENA NIGHTMARE ALLEY ROCK
PAULSON ALL AT ONCE ROCK
RJD2 THE THIRD HAND ROCK
SECRET HANDSHAKE, THE SUMMER OF 98 ROCK
SEVENDUST ALPHA ROCK
SHAW BLADES INFLUENCE ROCK
SILMARIL THE VOYAGE OF ICARUS ROCK
TAYLOR, MARIA LYNN TEETER FLOWER ROCK
TRAGICALLY HIP WORLD CONTAINER ROCK
WHITE FLIGHT WHITE FLIGHT ROCK
WOLF & CUB VESSELS ROCK

Well, there you have it friends… another notch on the bed post. Until next week, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud.

Send pictures of your man-crush, review copies, hate mail and assorted presents to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

QSE News: 3/1/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:59 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • Naomi Campbell apparently feels really bad for throwing a cell phone at her maid last year over a pair of missing pants. In Campbell’s defense, the missing pair of pants really went well with that red blouse.
  • Former Phish lead singer Trey Anastasio has pleaded not guilty to drug charges stemming from a December 15th run in with Ft. Edwards, NY police. Anastasio is confident of remaining a free man because, as he pointed out, “there are sooooo many drugs floating around in [his stomach], man, there ain’t no way the pigs can just isolate a single one.”
  • Everyone that attended Beyonce’s Valentine’s party should go see their doctor. Apparently, a member of Wolfgang Puck’s staff, the party responsible for catering the party, was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis A.  In similar news, those who attended Paris Hilton’s party may want to get checked for crabs.
  • The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is threatening YouTube with legal action if clips from this year’s Oscars are not taken down.  YouTube is expected to comply with the Academy’s request and have sent a message to users telling them that they will need to buy the Ellen: Season 1 DVD to get their fill of Ellen Degeneres not being funny.
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 3/1/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:35 am
thingamabobs.jpg

The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • A rare Jetson‘s TV spot from its one-season run on ABC… (Thingamabob)
  • There’s always room for a drunk squirrel… (Thingamabob)
  • And, just because I feel like it today, “Chilly Down”… (Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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February 28, 2007

QSE News: 2/28/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:29 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • Despite the fact that she’s been hanging with Tom Cruise, Victoria Beckham will not be joining the church of Scientology. The former Posh spice reportedly said “There’s no way I’d spend any money on that nonsense” when asked about the church. We here at QSE news would like to congratulate Mrs. Beckham on her firm stance, but would also like to warn her that when the evil Xenu returns to Earth, Mrs. Beckham is totally screwed.
  • In a shocking revelation, Britney Spears’s first husband, (you remember… the guy she was married to for 55 hours?  Yeah, him.) says that Britney has a drug problem.  This comes as a shock to many as the pop star has yet to display any of the crazy or erratic behavior associated with a severe drug problem. However, if she ever does, you’ll hear it here first.
  • This just in… Britney Spears DOES have a substance abuse problem!  How about that.  And it appears that our Brit was not content in merely checking into one, chintzy room at Malibu’s Promises Rehab center.  On the contrary, Britney has rented out an entire wing of the facility because, according to one nurse, she “wanted a room for each and every voice in her head.”
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 2/28/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:29 am
thingamabobs.jpg

The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

————————————————

  • Ever seen the Marx Bros. in color? Or Harpo out of costume? Take a look at this rare piece of color film shot during the production of Animal Crackers(Thingamabob)
  • Something tells me that this is light years better than what JJ Abrams will do with Star Trek(Thingamabob)
  • How could we have missed the latest episode of Jordan, Jesse GO!(Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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February 27, 2007

Toybox: 3D Posters – Nightmare on Elm Street

Filed under: Columns,Toy Box — admin @ 1:11 am
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When Mcfarlane Toys announced their 3D posters, I was not impressed. They’d already started doing 3D album covers, and these were small, overpriced, and underwhelming. On top of that, other companies had already forayed into the world of 3D posters, and the results had been fairly weak.

But with the release of their Jaws and Friday the 13th posters, my opinion changed. First, they were much larger than I expected, running around 8.5″ wide and 12 – 13″ tall. Second, they managed to capture the best elements of the original posters in unique ways, making them more visually appealing than the originals in some ways. And third, at twenty bucks and the larger size, they weren’t a bad deal.

Since those two, they’ve released several others, including the uber-cool Alien poster (it even lights up!) and the nice Rocky Horror ‘lips’ poster. I’ve been sticking with the horror related ones, and recently bought the Nightmare On Elm Street.

Nightmare on Elm Street 3D poster

While the original poster doesn’t have quite the visual impact of, say, Alien or RHPS, it is still a solid piece of poster art. In exectuting this one, Mcfarlane diverged a bit from the previous style. Does it still work? Let’s see…

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Packaging – **
The packaging on past posters hasn’t been terrible, but has always been fairly basic. That’s alright though, especially if you give the box a huge window and let the poster itself do most of the selling. Once again, that’s the case.

Unfortunately, this box fails in a critical test. The window is right against the blades of the fingers, especially the ‘twinkle’ that’s been sculpted and attached in plastic on the end of the index finger. This is almost center in the window as well, where the box provides the least amount of support. Any hits against the front of the window, even light ones or extended pressure, can damage the ‘twinkle’ or the blades. Pay attention to this when picking yours out to ensure there’s no damage.

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Sculpting – ***
Like previous 3D posters released by McToys, this one has excellent sculpte details. The finely textured hair, the sinewy fingers of the hand, the rotted flesh of Freddy’s nightmare face…all are done with a deft hand for small detail work. They’ve also managed to pull of the ‘3D’ work extremely well, sculpting in relief about 80% of the actual poster art. The only parts not sculpted are the top section above Freddy’s eyes, and the lowest section showing the small credits.

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The best thing about this poster is the way they handled the nifty star of light that glints off Freddy’s index finger. They did this in a translucent white plastic, and the look really works much better than I had anticipated.

The poster itself had one major failing – the dopey expression on Nancy’s face. I always assumed she was sleeping with her eyes open – very open – and that’s why it seemed so much like a mannequin, even in the original poster. That’s also true here, and even more obvious in three dimensions. The bizarrely wide eyes with lax expression make the expression very unnatural. Like I said, I’m assuming that’s because she’s really a asleep, and you can’t really fault this representation of the poster for it, because the poster itself was identical.

Another flaw that existed in the original but is much more noticeable here is the thumb. Again, it’s just a little stub, which is true in the original work. But when you pull it out from the page like this, it becomes all that much more obvious and odd looking.

But if those two areas were my only complaints, this sculpt would have easily gotten another half star. The reason it didn’t isn’t because of the quality of the sculpt, but rather the changes to the basic design. The previous posters were encased in ‘boxes’, with four sides, which gave them a) more depth and b) more of a poster feel. This one lacks the outside box, which also makes the poster itself much thinner than the previous ones. This means that to stand it on a desk or table, they had to include the little feet. While this new look isn’t terrible, I prefer the original shadowbox design.

Paint – ***
The paint work is fairly good across the entire poster, with some really excellent work on both sets of eyes. Mcfarlane exhibits they’re usual capabilities with the consistent skin tones and garish exposed flesh, and when they’re necessary, they have very clean cuts between colors.

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There is one glaringly odd looking spot, right above Freddy’s left eye, where it looks like the white of the eye is actually on the flat section of poster, although the entire eye is in 3D below. This odd spot should have been filled in with color, and it’s surprisingly noticeable in person.

My only other complaint is that some of the highlights in the hair are too light, clearly where too much paint was rubbed off. They were going for three levels of color – natural dark, slightly lighter streaks, and very light streaks. It was an admirable attempt, but the lightest streaks ended up looking like mistakes or damage rather than streaks.

There’s one other item worth mentioning, but I didn’t factor it into my score, because the jury is still out on whether I like it or not. There is one section of text on the poster that actually follows the flow of the sculpted poster, rather than laying flat. That would be the name of the director, Wes Craven. This text actually flows with the rippling bed sheets, and I’m not sure if I prefer that, or one of the other options. They could have sculpted a section inset into the covers to paint it on flat, or they could have raised the letters above the covers (like they did the movie name) so that while they were raised, they were still flat from left to right. Like I said, I’m not sure which I prefer, but I thought I’d point it out to you so you’ll never be able to look at the poster again and not see it.

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Accessories – *
Okay, so there aren’t really any accessories as we generally think of them, and there really shouldn’t be any. That means this category won’t mean much come Overall score time. But I did want to mention the small feet that come with the poster. These attach to the bottom so it can stand on a table or desk. It’s best to insert the front of these into the bottom of the poster first, then snap them into place toward the back. They work alright, although they’re a bit tough to get off once they’re on.

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Value – ***
At around $20, these are actually a pretty good price. These will look good even in high end home theaters, and yet are cheap enough for a dorm room budget. In the distant future, when we all have flying cars and I’ve finally remodeled my basement, I plan on hanging them on the wall myself.

Things to Watch Out For –
Not much. Be sure to inspect the hand in case of any damage on the peg, but other than that you should be riding high.

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Overall – ***
I’m not as enthralled with this poster as I am with the previous three I’ve picked up – Jaws, Alien and Friday the 13th. This is largely due to the change in style, which doesn’t do much for me. Interestingly enough, from early production photos it looks like upcoming releases (like Rocky and Robocop) go back to the shadowbox design.

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This is a line that I’ll be picking up hit and miss, selecting those posters that translate the best or fit a general theme. I suspect that will be true for most buyers, and if you’re a huge fan of these films, I suggest taking a close look at them. Several of these also fit in well as backdrops to various sixth scale figures, and adding this poster to your Sideshow Freddy and Furnace diorama will really spice it up.

Where to buy –
Your local comic shop may have these in, but online is your most consistent opportunity:

Dark Figures has the Alien, Friday the 13th and Jaws posters available for $25 each. They haven’t listed the NOES one yet.

Entertainment Earth has them listed in stock at $25 each, with preorders up for the next three in the series.

– for the U.K. readers, Forbidden Planet is sell them for about 20 pounds each.

Clark Toys is always a good source for all things Mcfarlane, but don’t have this particular poster in. However, they have pre-order pricing up for a number of upcoming posters at just $18 each!

Amazing Toyz and CornerStoreComics have this guy in stock for just $20, with some of the earlier posters on sale even cheaper!

Related Links:
There’s my reviews of the Jaws and Friday the 13th posters from last year.

QSE News: 2/27/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:09 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • The movie classic Gone With the Wind is set to become the next movie to receive the Broadway musical treatment.  It is rumored that producers are courting Hugh Jackman to play the role of Rhett Butler.  In order to please Jackman’s comic book reading fan base, producers are also inserting a scene where Rhett eviscerates Scarlett O’Hara with his Adamantium claws.
  • The Beastie Boys are hitting the festival circuit this year with the first stop at the Sasquatch Festival in Washington. The group will perform hits from its entire catalog and promise to stay true to its roots by shouting the last word of every line.
  • A friend has come forward in defense of disgraced American Idol contestant, Barba Antonella, saying that the lewd pictures that recently appeared on the internet are not of the “singer.”  American Idol judges were quick to respond to the news with Randy Jackson saying that it “was too damn bad, because whoever that is, has one smokin’ [EXPLETIVE DELETED],” Paula Abdul stated that “purple fluffiness sounds like glue” and Simon Cowell stated that the news was irrelevant because “he prefers the subjects of his naughty pictures to be men.”
  • It appears that director James Cameron just reserved a special place for himself in hell”¦ at least, as far as many Christians are concerned. Cameron’s upcoming movie, a documentary he filmed for the Discovery Channel, apparently refutes the notion that Christ’s body spent three days at the site of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem’s Old City.  “On the contrary,” claims Cameron, “few people know this, but Christ’s body was actually found in a sunken luxury liner, 5,000 ft beneath the ocean.”
  • Singer Bobby Brown is back in jail and will remain there until he pays over $19,000 in child support fees. Brown was arrested while watching his daughter’s cheerleading competition. The “Welcome Home Bobby” party at Norfolk County jail will be held this Thursday during lunch time.
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 2/27/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:03 am
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The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • Bill Bailey on foreign police sirens… (Thingamabob)
  • Rich Hall improvises an ode to the British Rover on Top Gear(Thingamabob)
  • Preston’s wonderfully catty walkout on Nevermind the Buzzcocks(Thingamabob)
  • A little slice of the 2006 edition of The Big Fat Quiz of The Year(Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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February 26, 2007

QSE News: 2/26/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:28 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • A former American Idol participant, Jennifer Hudson, won the best supporting actress Oscar for her role in Dreamgirls. With the win, American Idol has overtaken another media, film, and will soon begin an assault on coffee production.
  • In other awards news, Sharon Stone won the Razzie for Worst Actress of the year, for her role in Basic Instinct 2.  Stone’s vagina, which also appeared in the film, did not win an award.
  • Universal Pictures has announced that a third Fockers film will be made. This news makes official the widely held belief that Robert De Niro has completely given up on acting as an art form and is now just in it for the cash and the chicks.
  • Finally, and in continued Oscar news, Al Gore’s documentary film, An Inconvenient Truth, won the Oscar for Best Documentary. Despite Gore being announced the winner, George W. Bush accepted the award and promptly declared war on Bollywood.
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 2/26/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:06 am
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The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • An early Chuck Jones directorial effort, Daffy Duck and the Dinosaur(Thingamabob)
  • And finally, the opening to The Fall Guy(Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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February 24, 2007

Comics in Context #166: Megahero Vs. Megavillain

Filed under: Columns,Comics in Context — admin @ 8:30 pm
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cic2007-02-23-01.jpgWhen I left off last week I was going through Dr. Peter Coogan’s definition of the supervillain in his book Superhero: The Secret Origin of a Genre (MonkeyBrain Press, 2006), which should be a basic text for superhero genre studies, and discussing a major “supervillain” in contemporary pop culture whom he had left out: Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Even leaving aside the thousands of supervillains created for comic books, it’s inevitable that Coogan’s book couldn’t mention all the interesting candidates for supervillainy in high and pop culture.

For example, how about the Queen of the Night in Mozart’s 1791 opera The Magic Flute? Aren’t her showpiece arias, full of coloratura fireworks, the musical equivalent of what Coogan (and The Incredibles) calls the supervillain’s proclivity for monologuing? Iago’s “Credo” in Verdi’s Otello (1887), an operatic adaptation of Shakespeare’s play, is an even clearer example.

In his early German films director Fritz Lang pioneered the use of the “supervillain” in cinema through such characters as Dr. Mabuse (beginning with Dr. Mabuse der Spieler in 1922), the mad scientist Rotwang in Metropolis (1927), whose title was the source of the name of Superman’s home city, and the Bondian mastermind Haghi in Spione (Spies, 1928). All three characters were played by Rudolf Klein-Rogge, the movies’ first specialist in “supervillainy.”

There are even candidates for supervillain status in the world of animated comedy. Consider the Hooded Claw, the dual-identitied masked archvillain of Hanna-Barbera’s The Perils of Penelope Pitstop (1969-1971), who loves monologuing (in the unmistakable voice of Paul Lynde) about his latest insanely elaborate death trap for the title heroine. Another characteristic that Coogan attributes to supervillains is mania, and who better exemplifies it than a certain Warners Animation mouse who fanatically persists in his grandiose ambitions in spite of continual failures:

PINKY: What are we going to do tonight, Brain?

THE BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!

Dr. Coogan found three criteria for identifying a superhero: mission, power, and identity, and these are also three of his seven criteria for supervillains.

“Power is central to [the] definition of supervillain,” Coogan writes; “if a malign individual has only the strength, wit, and other resources available to normal human beings, they [sic] are mere villains. If the resources and abilities of the police are sufficient to counter a villain’s schemes, he is just a bad guy. But if a villain transcends those abilities and holds mastery of so many resources that even major world government are working against the odds when they try to stop him, then he is a supervillain, particularly if those resources are matched to a vision that goes beyond mere avarice–if they [sic] have an ego-soaked or ego-driven mania or vision, some great project to accomplish, especially if this project is socially transformative but will have to be forced upon an unwilling populace and especially if it involves mass murder or massive numbers of deaths, or if the project can be viewed–in a sick and twisted way–as art. Therefore, mission and power as the two important defining elements of supervillainy” (Superhero, pgs. 95-96).

There are some major problems with this thesis. First, there are many, many characters who are unquestionably supervillains, but whose goals go no further than robbing banks and killing the superheroes who keep foiling their schemes. Think of the Penguin, the Riddler, Two-Face, the Vulture, Captain Cold, the Mirror Master, and Captain Boomerang, among so many others.

Second, there are many supervillans, such as Doctor Doom, that even “major world governments” would have trouble stopping. Jim Starlin’s Thanos succeeded in wiping out half the population of the universe in The Infinity Gauntlet (1990). If Jack Kirby’s Darkseid got hold of the anti-life equation, he could enslave the entire population of the universe. But if the United States government sent the entire might of its armed forces to capture the Riddler or the Vulture, those criminals wouldn’t have a chance. But, as noted, the Riddler and Vulture operate on a smaller scale than Doctor Doom or Thanos: the former two are basically costumed thieves. But they are supervillains because their wiliness and skills enable them to defy the legal authorities who likewise operate on this smaller scale: the city police. It takes superheroes–Batman and Spider-Man–to capture the Riddler and the Vulture. Once again, context counts.

But even if “the resources and abilities of the police” prove to be insufficient “to counter a villain’s schemes,” that still doesn’t necessarily make him a supervillain. Isn’t a premise of a typical Sherlock Holmes story that the police, represented by Inspector Lestrade, are too unimaginative to solve the crime, and that only Holmes has the genius to find and capture the culprit? In fact, isn’t it a common theme of the mystery genre that the principal villain is too smart for the police, and that only Hercule Poirot, Philip Marlowe, or whoever the detective hero is, can outwit him? Lieutenant Columbo is a member of the police force, but he is invariably the only policeman who notices the telltale clues and identifies the true murderer.

Moreover, in the television series 24, even though our “major world government” has an efficient, highly capable Counter-Terrorist Unit, the show creates the impression that only one man, Jack Bauer, can stop the terrorist masterminds. Are these masterminds, even when they tote around suitcase nukes, supervillains? Or are they simply more ordinary villains who have managed to procure weapons of mass destruction? The main villains on 24 lack the outsized personalities that more likely candidates for the role of supervillain, such as Dr. Lecter and Captain Nemo, possess.

Speaking of these two, they fit the “power” requirement, too. Captain Nemo poses a threat to the world’s navies with his Nautilus. Dr. Lecter’s extraordinary intelligence enables him to outwit most lawmen, with rare exceptions such as Will Graham, the hero of Red Dragon, and Clarice Starling, the heroine of Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal. (Significantly, Graham is an F. B. I. profiler, who attempts to capture serial killers by thinking as they do, and Starling in Silence is studying profiling.)

Coogan’s final criterion for supervillainy is identity. But, Coogan states, “in the reverse of the superhero[‘s case], identity is the weakest element of the definition of the supervillain and is not necessary but typical. It is a necessary aspect of inverted-superhero supervillains since they wear costumes and have codenames.” For example, Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot is the Penguin. However, “Unlike superheroes, they often do not maintain secret identities. . . .They often give up their normal lives, deciding to live purely within the super-world. They have abandoned the things that tie them to mundane existence and cut themselves off from normal life. Just as the secret identity helps the superhero retain ties to the larger society he protects, so does the villain”˜s abandonment of the ordinary identity magnify his selfishness and disconnect from the larger society he attacks” (p. 96).

“Captain Nemo” is an assumed name: Nemo has abandoned his true identity, which, we learn in Jules Verne’s Mysterious Island (1874), is Prince Dakkar, the son of an Indian rajah. He has indeed “cut” himself “off from normal life” and severed his “ties to the larger society.” The Disney Leagues movie makes evident his contempt for his visitors from the surface world, except for Professor Aronnax, whom he regards as intellectually capable of understanding and appreciating him.

Dr. Lecter does not have a codename, but he is given a nickname, “Hannibal the Cannibal.” Lecter does not willingly abandon society: he is extracted from it and incarcerated when his crimes are exposed. Hence in the first two novels in which he appears, Red Dragon and The Silence of the Lambs, Lecter is a prisoner. After escaping in Silence, Lecter has adopted a dual identity in the next novel, Hannibal, and has reintegrated himself into civilized society as art historian Dr. Fell. But again, he is exposed and forced to abandon his role in society. But in that novel’s ending (which is very different from the film adaptation’s), he has apparently reestablished himself in society in Buenos Aires, presumably under yet another assumed identity.

Nevertheless, the salient point is that all three books primarily present Dr. Lecter as an outsider. Indeed, as a prisoner, Lecter abandons the social graces he must have possessed as a member of society and adopts a monstrous persona to terrify and intimidate most members of “the larger society” who deal with him.

The Joker has separated himself from “the larger society” of which he was once a part, as the possible origin that Alan Moore gave him in Batman: The Killing Joke (1988) shows. It’s a mistake to attempt to give the Joker a “real name,” as Tim Burton’s Batman movie (1989) did, since the lack of a “civilian identity” distances the Joker even further from “the larger society” that he attacks.

In Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ Watchmen (1986-1987), Ozymandias purports to be a superhero, seeking to save the world, yet his actions cast him in the role of supervillain. Towards the end of the series, Ozymandias literally separates himself from society by retreating to his Antarctic base, Karnak. (This base is obviously partly inspired by Superman and Doc Savage’s arctic Fortresses of Solitude, but neither Superman nor Savage stay full time at their bases, whereas in Watchmen, once Ozymandias goes there, significantly we never see him leave.)

Nowadays, the notion of giving a superhero a secret, “civilian” identity has fallen out of fashion with various comics editors and writers. Note that Coogan emphasizes the importance of the secret identity in helping him “retain ties to the larger society he protects”; indeed, the “civilian identity” keeps the superhero in touch with his own humanity. This is why Superman must continue his alternate life as Clark Kent. It is the supervillain who typically cuts himself off from “the larger society.” So, when Marvel has Spider-Man publicly reveal his Peter Parker identity in Civil War, and live with his wife and aunt at Avengers headquarters, it should be clear that the company is moving its flagship character in the wrong direction.

Coogan contends that the supervillain can be found in genres other than the superhero genre, and that the supervillain even predates the creation of the first superhero, Superman. It’s true that there are many examples of larger-than-life, even fantastical villains, whom Coogan would class as supervillains, pitted against heroes who, however extraordinary, do not qualify as superheroes. Thus Sir Denis Nayland Smith, who is not a superhero, is the nemesis of the great supervillain Dr. Fu Manchu.

In the classic British television series The Avengers (see “Comics in Context” #52-53), John Steed and Mrs. Emma Peel, who are secret agents, not superheroes, sometimes contended against super-powerful adversaries, such as the Cybernaut robots (whose creator, Dr. Clement Armstrong, was clearly a Mad Scientist), and the Positive Negative Man, who fired lethal electrical discharges from his finger, rather like Spider-Man’s enemy Electro. In one episode, “The Winged Avenger” (1967), the title character is an actual costumed supervillain, a cartoonist impersonating his own fictional superhero, whose weapons are his razor-sharp claws, which also allow him to scale walls. (And this is seven years before the creation of Wolverine!)

In The X-Files F. B. I. agents Mulder and Scully, who fit the detective archetype, regularly combatted supervillains. Many of the latter had actual super-powers, such as the shapeshifting, nearly invulnerable alien Bounty Hunter.

The show’s archvillain is known by a codename: the Cigarette-Smoking Man. The significance of that name is made clear by another alias he is sometimes given: Cancer Man. Cigarettes cause cancer, which is a cause of death, marking the CSM as a figure of death. His real name, like the Joker’s, is a mystery. (The series eventually gave him the name “C. G. B. Spender” but suggests this is one alias among many others.). Though the CSM is a high government official, in his personal life he lives alone, cut off from “the larger society.” Indeed, his covert operations likewise isolate him from society at large. He has no super-powers, but he commands vast resources in the U. S. government and armed forces (making him an Enemy Commander), as well as advanced technology. The CSM also shares the supervillainous trait of returning time and again from apparent death. He has a sense of mission, and justifies his crimes by claiming they are for the ultimate goal of staving off an impending alien invasion. The CSM even has a few psychological “wounds.” He was estranged from his lover, Mulder’s mother (and by the end of the series it was evident that the CSM was Mulder’s real father). If the episode “Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man” (1996) is to be believed, he is a failed writer of fiction, a particularly unusual sort of “wound.”

If James West, the hero of the television series The Wild Wild West (1965-1969) was conceived by his creator Michael Garrison as “James Bond on horseback,” then his archnemesis, Dr. Miguelito Loveless, was the show’s version of a Bondian supervillain. Set in the 1870s, The Wild Wild West was a fusion of the Western with the Bondian superspy genre with science fiction.

Coogan lists five categories of supervillain, and Dr. Loveless fits three. Primarily, he is a Mad Scientist, a genius who invented radio and television a century early, as shown in his debut episode, “The Night the Wizard Shook the Earth” (1965), whose title perceptively links the Mad Scientist with the evil sorcerers of earlier literature. In the series’ second season, Loveless proved able to create scientific marvels that lay beyond the reach of even early 21st century science. For example, in “The Night of the Surreal McCoy” (1967), he opens portals into pocket alternate realities through paintings. (Hey, that’s like Bert’s sidewalk painting in Mary Poppins! See “Comics in Context” #158.) Dr. Loveless is also a Criminal Mastermind, and in another episode, “The Night of the Bogus Bandits” (1967), he leads a private army, making him an Enemy Commander. (In that episode he even wears a military-style uniform.)

Dr. Loveless is fond of monologuing. In fact, there’s an amusing sequence in “The Night of the Raven” (1966) in which West and his fellow agent Artemus Gordon feign lack of interest in Loveless’s latest scheme in order to provoke him into delivering a monologue, telling them all about it, demanding their recognition of his achievement. (These last three episodes will be released on DVD on March 20 in The Wild Wild West Vol. 2.)

Loveless has a strong sense of mission. He commits his terrorist attacks on the California state government (in his debut episode) as part of his plan to take over the southern part of the state and transform it into a utopia for children. Later, in “The Night of the Murderous Spring” (1966), Loveless has extended the scope of his mission to the entire planet: he intends to wipe out the human race in order to return the planet to a pristine natural state.

Like other supervillains, Dr. Loveless sees himself as an artist, and, indeed, a high point of his appearances comes when he performs a song. He has a sense of theatricality: he deceives West by impersonating his own supposed uncle in “The Night Dr. Loveless Died” (1967) and heads his own circus in “The Night of Miguelito’s Revenge” (1968). (Of course, supercriminals typically devise elaborate schemes of revenge against their heroic nemeses rather than, say, simply shooting them dead. Such convoluted plots are the expressions of the villains’ sinister creative imaginations, and hence, their equivalent of works of art.)

Loveless also has very strong “wounds.” He claims to be the rightful owner of Southern California, and that the U. S. government has usurped it. More importantly, he is a dwarf, whose condition causes him continual pain, and he sees himself not only as a target of prejudice but as the victim of a cruel universe.

Loveless’s sense of humor and joy in manipulating West also mark him as a trickster. Many supervillains, such as the Joker, are malevolent tricksters, while various superheroes, such as Spider-Man, with his snappy patter, act as tricksters against their adversaries. If Coogan’s Superhero ever has a sequel, it would behoove him to explore this subject. (I’ve written extensively about the trickster archetype in my analysis of Neil Gaiman’s novel Anansi Boys in “Comics in Context” #105-108.)

And then there’s Count Petofi in the 1897 sequence of Dark Shadows (originally telecast in 1969; see “Comics in Context” #11), who not only has tremendous magical powers (making him an Evil Sorcerer, the counterpart of the Mad Scientist), but has a “wound” that is both physical and psychological: he hates and fears the gypsies for severing his hand. Petofi too regards himself as an artist, and was repeatedly shown happily studying musical scores while silently “conducting” them with his hand. More to the point, his master scheme involved his commissioning of a painting–a portrait of Quentin Collins–which he endowed with magical powers. (Later, Petofi considered the idea of using paintings to magically create an army, thereby making him an Enemy Commander.) Petofi is also an actor, playing the false identity of British aristocrat Victor Fenn-Gibbon when he first appears on the series, and later (thanks to switching bodies) impersonating Quentin Collins.

In writing about the supervillain as Criminal Mastermind, Coogan describes Sherlock Holmes’s archfoe Professor Moriarty, whom Arthur Conan Doyle introduced in “The Final Problem” (1893).

Notice the methods that Doyle utilizes to present Moriarty as figuratively more than human, larger than life. The Batman is figuratively superhuman in that he presents himself as if he were a bat in human form: a “bat man.” Likewise Professor Moriarty is metaphorically an animal in human form. In “The Final Problem” Sherlock Holmes tells Dr. Watson that Moriarty “sits motionless, like a spider in the centre of its web,” controlling his criminal empire. In falling down the Reichenbach Falls, Moriarty “clawed the air with both his hands,” according to Holmes in “The Adventure of the Empty House” (1903), as if Moriarty had claws like a bird or beast of some sort. Describing his first meeting with Moriarty in “The Final Problem,” Holmes tells Watson “his face protrudes forward and is forever slowly oscillating from side to side in a curiously reptilian fashion.”

So Moriarty is also metaphorically a reptile, like a serpent, a traditional symbol of Satan. That would make sense, since Holmes calls Moriarty “the organizer of half that is evil and of nearly all that is undetected in this great city,” as if he were indeed Satan. Holmes also states that Moriarty “had hereditary tendencies of the most diabolical kind.” Holmes does not mean that Moriarty is literally a demon, but through his choice of words, Conan Doyle plants that metaphor in the readers’ minds.

Doyle, through Holmes, goes even further, describing Moriarty as if he were not truly human, but some force of pure evil. Holmes tells Watson that “For years past I have continually been conscious of some power behind the malefactor, some deep organizing power which forever stands in the way of the law, and throws its shield over the wrong-doer. Again and again in cases of the most varying sorts — forgery cases, robberies, murders — I have felt the presence of this force, “ Eventually Holmes discovered that this unseen “power,” this “force,” was Moriarty, working through his many criminal agents. “But the central power which uses the agent is never caught — never so much as suspected.”

But the conceptual heart of Professor Moriarty lies in this statement by Holmes in “The Final Problem”: “You know my powers, my dear Watson, and yet at the end of three months I was forced to confess that I had at last met an antagonist who was my intellectual equal.” Moriarty is Holmes’s equal; he is Holmes’ evil opposite; he is symbolically Holmes’s evil twin. Years ago I even saw a play in London, The Secret of Sherlock Holmes (1988), by Jeremy Paul, which postulated (Spoiler Alert! Skip to the next paragraph!) that Moriarty was Holmes, who suffered from multiple personality disorder.

So Holmes and Moriarty are equals but opposites. How, then, can Moriarty be a “supervillain” when Holmes, by Coogan’s definition, is not a “superhero”?

Or what about the Master, the archvillain of Doctor Who? He fits Coogan’s definition of supervillain, and, indeed, I wrote the Master’s entry for Visible Ink’s The Supervillain Book. The Doctor has certain superpowers, notably his ability to “regenerate” his body when he is on the brink of death (that is, when a new actor takes over the role). But Coogan would surely define the Doctor as a science fiction hero, not a “superhero” (one word). Yet the point of the Master is that he and the Doctor are both Time Lords, possessing the same abilities. The Master is the Doctor’s equal and opposite. But the Master is a “supervillain,” according to Coogan, who might classify the Doctor as a “super hero” (two words), his term for heroes with “extraordinary abilities” who do not qualify as heroes of the superhero genre.

But as I wrote in last week’s column, I believe that it’s confusing to have to distinguish between “super hero” (two words) and “superhero” (one word), when they sound alike in spoken conversation. Besides, most people will assume the terms mean the same thing (as Marvel and DC do).

Moreover, in his book Coogan establishes that the superhero is the protagonist of the superhero genre. That logically suggests that the supervillain should be defined as the principal kind of antagonist in the superhero genre. (Obviously, superheroes fight other sorts of villains as well: Batman and Spider-Man regularly combat ordinary muggers and bank robbers.) I believe it will lead to confusion to categorize characters outside the superhero genre as supervillains.

Coogan precisely defies the superhero, and explains why characters like the Phantom, the Shadow, Buffy, Luke Skywalker and others don’t fit his definition. By doing so, Coogan enables us to comprehend more clearly what sets the superhero apart from other kinds of adventure heroes.

I believe that by including in the supervillain category characters as far removed from the superhero genre as Beowulf‘s Grendel and the Satan of Milton’s Paradise Lost, Coogan may be making the same error as those who would include, say, Beowulf himself under the heading of superheroes.

Coogan correctly perceives traits that are common to the sort of villains that he designates as “supervillains,” whether or not they operate in the superhero genre. But couldn’t he just as easily have found characteristics that link the “super heroes” (two words) of different genres? For example, don’t Spider-Man, Buffy, Luke Skywalker, and Harry Potter have many things in common. (For one thing, they’re all effectively orphans, though Buffy loses her mother in the course of her series, and her father not through his death but through his neglect of her.)

Coogan makes reference to the work of the late literary critic Northrup Frye, the author of Anatomy of Criticism (1957), who wrote about he called the “mode” of “romance,” by which he meant stories of extraordinary adventure. According to Frye the hero of romance is “superior in degree to other men and to his environment” and “moves in a world in which the ordinary laws of nature are slightly suspended.” Coogan states that his “super heroes” (two words) fit Frye’s description of the heroes of romance; superheroes (one word) would, as well. I have coined the term “megaheroes” to refer to such heroes of romance, of which the “superheroes” (one word) of the superhero genre constitute a subset.

Though Frye (as far as I know) did not address this subject, the romance mode would also include the villain of romance who is “superior in degree to other men and to his environment” and “move in a world in which the ordinary laws of nature are slightly suspended.” I believe that such a larger-than-life villain can also appear outside the romance mode. Iago, for example, is a character in a Shakespearean tragedy; Hannibal Lecter first appeared in what seemed to be realistic “low mimetic” crime thrillers. However, the presence of such extraordinary villains indicates that Othello and The Silence of the Lambs actually contain elements of romance, as Frye used the word. Coogan refers to these villains of romance as “supervillains.”

I propose that the villain of romance should be called the “megavillain.” The supervillain would then be defined as the principal kind of antagonist in the superhero genre. Hence, supervillains constitute a subset of the category of megavillains. Beowulf‘s Grendel, Shakespeare’s Richard III and Iago, Milton’s Satan, the Queen of the Night, Professor Moriarty, Dracula, Dr. Fu Manchu, Goldfinger, Dr. Loveless, Dr. Lecter, Dr. Mabuse, Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, the Cigarette-Smoking Man, the Hooded Claw, Magica de Spell (from Uncle Scrooge), Maleficent (from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty), the Master (from Doctor Who), and the Brain (from Pinky and the Brain) are all megavillains. Doctor Doom and the Joker are megavillains who are also supervillains, since they operate in the superhero genre. And the Winged Avenger is a Displaced Supervillain, who finds himself transplanted into another genre.

Of the five types of “supervillains” that he identifies, Coogan asserts that only the “Inverted-Superhero Supervillain” (basically, the costumed supervillain), is specific to the superhero genre. Coogan also writes about the “gravitational pull” of a genre, and I find it instructive to study the “gravitational pull” of the superhero genre on the comics villains whom he lists as examples of the other four types of “supervillains.”

As an example of the Monster, Coogan names the Lizard from Spider-Man. Yet the Lizard should also qualify as an “Inverted-Superhero Supervillain.” He has a dual identity, like his nemesis Spider-Man, but whereas Peter Parker merely dons a costume to become a metaphorical “spider man,” Dr. Curt Connors literally transforms into a reptile to become the Lizard.

“In superhero comics,” Coogan writes, “the two foremost enemy commanders are Dr. Doom and the Red Skull” (p. 66).

Doctor Doom, of course, wears a full costume, including an armored battlesuit that endows him with superhuman abilities. The subtext of his relationship with his principal nemesis, Reed Richards, is that Doom is Reed’s equal (or near-equal) and opposite: he is like Reed gone wrong, an extraordinary genius who seeks to dominate humanity.

As he was originally portrayed, as a terrorist with a death’s-head mask, the Red Skull could easily have been a villain out of the pulps. But notice that when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby first brought the Red Skull from the 1940s into the modern age of superheroes, they considerably upgraded his power and ambitions. In possession of the virtually unlimited power of the Cosmic Cube, the Red Skull was no longer Hitler’s underling, but dreamed of conquering the world and even the universe (see Tales of Suspense #79-81, 1966). In the hands of certain gifted writers, the depiction of the Red Skull shifted to that of an “inverted” version of his superhero nemesis, Captain America. Indeed, Roger Stern established that the American government devised the costumed persona of Captain America as a response to the Red Skull, Nazi Germany’s iconic figure of terror (Captain America #255, March 1981). Mark Gruenwald literalized this analogy, by establishing that the Red Skull’s consciousness had been transferred into a body cloned from Captain America: he was literally his evil twin (Captain America #350, February 1989)!

As for the Criminal Mastermind, look at the history of such characters in Spider-Man. The BIg Man and the Crime-Master wore masks concealing their faces and had codenames and secret identities. Built like a sumo wrestler, the Kingpin is strong enough to stand up to the super-powered Spider-Man in combat, and wields advanced weaponry (the disintegrator gun in his cane). Silvermane started out as an elderly gangster and was converted into a superhuman cyborg. And the Green Goblin is unquestionably a costumed “inverted-superhero” supervillain.

The category of the Mad Scientist presents more difficulty. A definition of the superhero as a hero with super-powers cannot work because it excludes Batman, the second most important protagonist of the superhero genre. Similarly, any definition of the supervillain must include Lex Luthor, who has no super-powers, codename, dual identity, or (usually) distinctive costume.

Significantly, the most prominent non-costumed mad scientists in the superhero genre–bald men, sometimes with thick glasses, most of them in lab coats–come from the earliest days of superhero comics: the Ultra-Humanite and Lex Luthor in Superman, Dr. Sivana in Captain Marvel, and Professor Hugo Strange in Batman. It shouldn’t be surprising that in these early years, in which the superhero was a brand new creation, that superhero comics were still using the pulp-style Mad Scientist as a principal villain. Significantly, with the debut of comics’ first costumed supervillain, the Joker, in Batman #1 (1940), he immediately supplanted Professor Strange as Batman’s leading villain.

As the superhero genre evolved, the new Mad Scientists who were created in the genre usually became inverted-superhero supervillains as well. Doctor Doom is an evil scientific genius like Lex Luthor, but Stan Lee and Jack Kirby presented him in full costume from the beginning. (Note that in his 1986 Squadron Supreme series, Mark Gruenwald took Emil Burbank, the Squadron’s Luthor counterpart, and converted him into the armored Master Menace, a variation on Doctor Doom.) Another Marvel villain, the Wizard, started out as a plainclothes Mad Scientist, but eventually adopted a costume, a more elaborate codename {“Wingless Wizard”), and a specialty super-power (his antigravity discs). Gardner Fox’s Justice League villains Professor Amos Fortune and Doctor Destiny likewise began as plainclothes Mad Scientists and ended up in costumes. When Steve Englehart revived Professor Hugo Strange in the 1970s, he turned him into a metaphorical shapeshifter, who masqueraded as Bruce Wayne and, memorably, as Batman in costume (see “Comics in Context” #84). Even in the Golden Age, Dr. Sivana and his two nasty kids, Sivana Jr. and Georgia, were presented as the “Sivana Family,” an inverted, evil counterpart to the superheroic Marvel Family. The Ultra-Humanite became a kind of shapeshifter in the Golden Age by transplanting his brain into a woman’s body, and in the 1970s became a true superhuman, in the body of an ape.

Lex Luthor has consistently remained one of the foremost villains of the superhero genre since his introduction. The gravitational pull of the genre has affected him, too: In the “Powerstone” storyline in the 1940s Luthor temporarily acquired superhuman strength, and there have been periods over the decades in which Luthor has been depicted in costume (as in the Justice League Unlimited animated series). But typically he lacks costume, codename, dual identity, and super-powers.

Ultimately, there are two reasons that make Luthor, Sivana, and Professor Strange not just megavillains but true supervillains.

First, they control resources, primarily those of advanced science, that enable them to rival or even surpass the power of their superhero adversaries. (As seen in Matt Wagner’s recent reworking of the original Hugo Strange stories, Batman and The Monster Men, Professor Strange’s foremost achievement was the transformation of ordinary people into super-strong giants.)

Second, Luthor, Sivana, and Strange focus their criminal efforts on battling their respective superhero nemeses. Coogan argued that Shang-Chi became a superhero when he swerved as a member of a superhero team. I contend that this “gravitational” effect works with Luthor, Sivana, and Strange as well. All three could be villains in pulp novels outside the superhero genre. But their exclusive, longrunning connection to the superhero opponents establishes them as supervillains.

I have much more to say about Peter Coogan’s Superhero book, but other topics await. Be assured that I will be referring to the book often in future columns. It should become a basic text for study of the superhero genre, and you should all go get yourselves copies. Then perhaps all of us who write about superheroes will share a common definition of just what a superhero is.

Or maybe not. Denny O’Neil wrote a highly appreciative introduction to Coogan’s book. But in his new blog at ComicMix, O’Neil referred to “all superheroes, from Gilgamesh on”. No! Denny, please go back and reread Peter Coogan’s Chapter 5!

ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MYSELF
This very weekend, from Friday, February 23 through Sunday the 25th, I am appearing at the second New York Comic Con at Manhattan’s Javits Center. I am doing signings of the Marvel Encyclopedia and The Ultimate Guide to the X-Men at the DK Publishing booth on Saturday from 2 to 3 PM and on Sunday from 11 AM t 12:30 PM.

Most importantly, “Stan Lee: A Retrospective” is now open at the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art (www.moccany.org) in Manhattan. Museum president Ken Wong and I jointly curated the show, which features original comics artwork from the 1960s and rare collectibles, and which will run through July 3. Next week I hope to tell you about our opening night reception, featuring a visit from Stan the Man himself!

Copyright 2007 Peter Sanderson

February 23, 2007

Trailer Park: Luc Besson Still Directs? For Reals?

Filed under: Columns,Trailer Park — admin @ 2:26 am

By Christopher Stipp

Archives? Right Here…

One of the things I like about the Internet is that I am able to reach people who I would otherwise never get to talk to or meet. Discussing movies, in my physical space, limits me to a very focused number of individuals who already share my taste in film. Those who don’t share my opinion, and this one goes out to my sister and my brother-in-law who abhorred BRING IT ON when I mentioned it would make a great rental, and who can now suck-it because I still know I’m right, regardless of their dry white toast taste in movies, are rare. Discourse with regard to movies is hard to come by unless you’re a webmaster for a blog and even then you’re doomed to an existence of shouting into a hole where other voices are clamoring to find out why Britney Spears has left yet another rehab facility. Having a voice is only as good as those hearing it.

That’s why I love to run Viewer Mail.

Every person has a story and for every opinion I have I like it when someone wants to mix it up. However, one of the biggest pitfalls I see on other sites where those with differing ideas are treated with a bit of amusement and ridicule. I understand that not everyone with a web page went to school and missed the lesson about rhetorical strategies and that the most important part of learning is listening. Like the site implies, Quick Stop, I am open for business and if you don’t see something here to your liking write in and let me know about it. It’s nice to get schooled every once in a while and that brings us up to the following piece of e-mail I received. Have an opinion, people, and sack-up when the mood strikes. So, if you have a thought, disagreement, JOB OFFER (I work fairly cheap) let me know. atr0018@unt.edu wrote in and had this to say:

I would like to comment on one of your Trailer Park articles, particularly the review of the trailer for Superman Returns in the “top trailers of 2006.” I understand that people travel in different circles and therefore hear different opinions but, I must say you seem to have exaggerated the reaction to this film in your article. I hate to see a movie’s reputation become clouded just b/c of a few internet bloggers blowing this or that out of proportion and misinterpreting a supposed “consensus” in the media. You really sure you read that many “piss poor reviews?” I dont know what you’ve read but over at RottenTomatoes Returns has a 76% tomatometer. Not too shabby if you ask me. Not only that but the film, while not a uber-blockbuster as expected, had decent legs at the boxoffice (similar to Batman Begins, a film that you probably would have referred to as a big hit b/c that’s what the media decided it was). These legs mean it couldnt have been received that badly. My own personal experience found more ppl who liked SR than the highest grossing movie of the year, Dead Man’s Chest. Sure, these articles of yours cater to a certain movie-geek (and therefore to an extent comic-book geek) crowd who have been the ones harping on this film for simply straying from the source material and not living out their “vision” of what it should have been. But there are also common moviegoers who read this, and that is why it is my belief that maybe you should do a little more research into a movie’s media “consensus” instead of simply writing based on how you read the vibe that the movie-geek community gives off. You wrote part of this article as if Superman Returns is one of the biggest flops of all time, when in fact it is far from it. It got decent reviews from critics and recouped most of its budget at the box office. In fact, there’s even a sequel on the way.

I, in turn, wrote back the following:

Anonymous, (I would formally recognize you by first name but I think you would take umbrage with me if I wrote “Dear atr0018”)

Thank you for your note.

I think you’re close in saying that I exaggerated the national consensus with the film. Where I think your and my blue and red electrical wires are crossing is that I was speaking wholly from the fanboy P.O.V. and the fact that, at the box office, the yields from this movie didn’t justify the amounts that were spent on it. In fact, just after a few weeks after the movie came out, and the financial projections were all but final, Singer was at Comic-Con to talk about the film and even he conceded that the film wasn’t the success he hoped it would be. (I’ll be honest, I would send you the audio of that discussion but I have yet to get to it. There’s an interview I still have to run from that time which may see the light of day in March. I suck, I know that.)

I also am taking the side of Ebert who put it best when he said the movie was, “a glum, lackluster movie in which even the big effects sequences seem dutiful instead of exhilarating.” I get that. I understand exactly what he’s saying. After I played it and watched it again on my home theater system it reinforced the diametric differences between what the trailer promised and what the movie delivered. It was a good movie. It was a solid movie BUT it just wasn’t what Superman SHOULD have been. There should have been more POW where there was deep introspection.

Also, look at the box office figures. Straight from Box Office Mojo the movie cost $270 to make (Lord knows the advertising and marketing budget wasn’t cheap, either) and only raked in 200 at the domestic box office. Sure, the foreign markets helped to make up the difference but if I’m a multi-national corporation I don’t see a movie that is limping to break even as a successful tent pole picture. It’s not a failure, either, but it’s hovering in that quasi-limbo arena of success or stinkbomb. So, I agree that it had “decent” legs but they weren’t the kind of legs that I am sure Warner’s were hoping for.

And no, I wouldn’t have rated Batman Begins as high as I did, I loved that film, plus it got trailer props for last year’s list because it had a strong trailer that represented the movie well and not because it was “a film that you probably would have referred to as a big hit b/c that’s what the media decided it was.” Come on, now, play nice. The movie did as well as it did because it crushed the previous incarnations completely and totally; it deserved its success on its own merit. My opinion came in a long time before the movie ever came out so there’s no way I could have played favorites based on media bias, it’s the kind of position I’m in. I said the trailer for The Queen sucked and look how well that movie has done. I said the trailer for Superman Returns looked great when I reviewed 2 different trailers *before* its release so it sucks for me when I have to end up eating crow by admitting that I was fooled by the trailer.

And, you’re right, a sequel IS on the way and, you know what the best part of that is? Singer has established everything he needed to in the first installment to pave the way for a more “popcorn” film, like X-2 was, for the sequel.

I really appreciate your note. I hope this letter doesn’t come off snarky or anything less than trying to trade information back to you…even though you didn’t even sign your name like the coward philistine you probably are! It’s not often anyone writes in so I dug being able to write back….

See? I didn’t threaten to punch him in the cock for being an asshole in disagreeing with the way I chose to interpret things, I took it as an opportunity to actually have a conversation of sorts.

Regardless of what’s going on everyone has a unique view and I don’t know how to address the very audience I’m writing to unless you speak up.

Enjoy the weekend and apropos of absolutely NOTHING but my own shameless self-indulgence in the sport, and for the life of me I can’t explain that for every cinephile who enjoyed MAJOR LEAGUE, with a MEN AT AT WORK Charlie Sheen gearing-up for his brother’s greatest filmic achievement and who would’ve thought all these years later it would be Dennis Haysbert, aka Pedro Cerrano, who would be the real star of that flick, hates to even think about real baseball, I’m fully engorged that Spring Training for The Chicago Cubs, straight representin’ yo, has finally started. There is a world beyond the silver screen and it is the hope that this team finishes a few notches above last place that keeps me coming back year after year.

LUCKY YOU (2007)

Director: Curtis Hanson
Cast:
Eric Bana, Drew Barrymore, Robert Duvall, Debra Messing
Release: May 4, 2007
Synopsis:
In Lucky You, a professional poker player (Eric Bana) gets a lesson in life from a struggling singer (Drew Barrymore) as he collides with his estranged father (Robert Duvall) at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas.

View Trailer:
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Prognosis: Negative. When will this collective fascination of Texas Hold’em just die as I believe the fifteen-minute expiration has long since passed.

I say this because, one, I can’t play and, two, this movie feels like a knee-jerk reaction to the populist fervor that has built-up around every Tom, Dick and Harry looking to cash-in on the moment.

I will, note, however, that this movie seems perfect in every sense of the word with regard to thinking about movies that will make perfect rentals come the summer when dudes are inexorably trapped in the aisles of their local Blockbuster and trying, desperately so, to find a film that won’t incite domestic violence.

That said, this trailer plays every moment by the numbers, even giving us the Idiot’s Guide opening of how to play the card game whilst Barrymore and Bana are tableside in a casino; this is the oddest combination, Vegas cool with a cotton candy presentation.

I like and appreciate that the trailer makers here went with a soundtrack that is completely devoid of any Gwen Stefani love jangle, any K.T. Tunstall estrogen infused jingle and actually manages to walk the line of staying right in the background as we try to get our footing for why we’re following these two people. It seems, at the start, that this is just a story of a guy who likes to gamble and the woman who digs that in someone with a lot of potential as a mate. I’m not sure this is exactly where you should drop that this love fest is being directed by the guy who did 8 MILE and L.A. CONFIDENTIAL as we really haven’t seen anything that would warrant proclaiming it so but that’s just me.

“I could’ve played it safe”¦that’s not who I am.”

Never mind the fact that Duvall comes into this trailer way too late but that there’s a palatable feeling this seems to be a movie not about one dude’s struggle to get a grip on his life but that Duvall is going to be schooling his absent son about the finer points of living one’s life with a lady. Bana makes the above quote and I feel the blood reeling from my retinas as I cannot believe The Hulk has went all squishy for a paycheck.

Cue crying Barrymore, set things up to have their eventual dénouement at where else but the World Series of Poker, have events set in motion where Bana will (GASP!) have to probably choose between his love for the cards and his heterosexual need for some of that crazy Drew action.

Ooo, and I almost didn’t stick around until the end of the trailer, but it seems that not only is it the last table at the WSOP but that Duvall and Bana are the LAST people at that table. Hence, making the choice of what to do at the end all the more Hollywood-ish; it makes me sick that some wag got his mortgage paid writing this crap.

I just saved every single one of you $10 and an excruciating night at the movies.

LITTLE CHILDREN (2007)

Director: Todd Field
Cast: Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly, Patrick Wilson, Noah Emmerich
Release: Now Playing
Synopsis: Loosely based on the acclaimed Tom Perrotta novel of the same name, LITTLE CHILDREN centers on a group of young marrieds, whose lives intersect on the playgrounds, town pools and streets of their small community in surprising and potentially dangerous ways.

View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)

Prognosis: Positive. Much like an author who I would admire enough to follow for a few works because I enjoy their voice (Charles Baxter, Ted Rall anyone?) Todd Field is a surprising addition to those whose work I choose to take an interest in if for no other reason than he has more acting credits to his name than he does directing jobs.

I mean, Drippy? Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Drippy? Yes, one and the same and it’s amazing that he captured the claustrophobic lives of a couple who find their own lives closing in on them with IN THE BEDROOM. If that film doesn’t rock your parental core then there isn’t anything out there that will. The mood, the emotional weight and depth of the characters played by Tom Wilkinson and Sissy Spacek are well represented with sharp acuity and, to top it all off, we get Tom Cruise’s cousin getting the kind of send-off I wish would happen to a lot of people who slip through the justice system’s fingers.

With this trailer we get a lot of what I loved about IN THE BEDROOM compressed into this damn-near wordless, music-less, voice-over-less representation of lust, betrayal and family gatherings.

As things open I’m not sure if I’m watching a movie or an advertisement for the latest and greatest in genital herpes protection. I’m quickly able to downshift the smartass after a lone train’s approach sufficiently smothers the Good Morning America tableau with Connelly and Wilson playing people who obviously would like nothing more than bash one another’s temples with wooden meat tenderizers.

And, please, if you haven’t already figured out that as Wilson lets that glistening water drag slowly down his well-defined spinal column as he extricates his soggy, albeit tight, ass from the community piss pool, myself I find it never looks that sexy when I drain water down my leg from the pockets inside my board shorts because it looks like I’m urinating on myself, that Winslet is imagining anything short of hot monkey love you need to go back to school. Seriously.

With great earnestness I say that the moments that follow where, unless you’re an unfeeling troll, Wilson is with his kids, putting on that happy daddy face, and Winslet talks about her needs as a woman I can absolutely sense the pain and misery that is about to roll right though these people’s lives in ways, I believe, would rival FATAL ATTRACTION, a movie that was forgone in its conclusion because of the craziness of its antagonist.

Huge fan of whatever woman fills the red swimsuit. Huge fan. Don’t know who it is and I don’t care. No additional comments here, just wanted to make that known.

There’s also a lot to be said about the ending for this trailer where bells are ringing, the train that’s lingered there for a while in the soundscape is now “passing” by on the tracks, the anguish that’s on full-display, all of it. I am thankful that I don’t really understand what is happening. There’s just wonderful composition of the moments that were chosen here to be included.

See, I oftentimes am amazed by the money shots that are used by any number of trailer makers when they decide a preview. Most of the time I am completely complicit in advocating a trailer to have just a disconnected ending when it comes to action films. This doesn’t translate well to dramatic pieces but this trailer here, though, managed to have great shots while being able to string them together with great passion while imbuing it all with an elevated sense of dread.

There’s no way this movie could have slid so far underneath the radar but it has and I hope the Oscar nod helps to get people out there in seeing whether this movie can manage to do what the trailer is selling.

ZODIAC (2007)

Director: David Fincher
Cast:
Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., Anthony Edwards
Release: March 2, 2007
Synopsis: Based on the actual case files of one of the most intriguing unsolved crimes in the nation’s history. As a serial killer terrifies the San Francisco Bay Area and taunts police with his ciphers and letters, investigators in four jurisdictions search for the murderer.

View Trailer:
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Prognosis: Positive. Okay, come on, who is on the Robert Downey Jr. bandwagon?

Does his shit not stink that much where everyone who considers themselves a fan of film forgive all his indiscretions? Yeah, I’m in that camp.

Somehow it’s easier to look beyond drug abuse than it is if this guy was convicted of diddling 15 year-olds, his face pasted on network TV as he’s busted by Chris Hanson and Dateline NBC.

I also happen to be a wagon bander when it comes to David Fincher. Yes, PANIC ROOM was a little absurd but you can’t take away the precision that Fincher possesses when it comes to composing a shot. He’s special and there’s no way I would trade one Fincher flick for a handful of Chris Columbus’. What’s so great, then, about this trailer is that we finally are allowed to get a small taste, an effervescent smell of what is to come out of THE ZODIAC.

I absolutely love the beginning of this thing. You’ve got a majestic cityscape, the 4th of July, with fireworks all bursting in air, and you’ve got the pop-pop-pop of gunshots. People fall to their death inside their cars as the unseen assailant slowly walks away from his crime. It’s beautiful to look at as you realize this just FEELS like an important entry into Fincher’s oeuvre.

I know it would be easy to take umbrage with the heavy-handed rolling out of facts with regard to this movie’s plot, Jake G. walking into the San Fran Chronicle as someone reads herr Zodicac’s letter to the editor, confessing to the killings of a couple of teens.

The obsequious tone of the letter, eager to please with the information of who he killed but not enough to say why or who he actually is. You can actually feel the tension through the moments that follow. Even though I cannot claim to be eager at wanting to see more of Chloe Sevigny’s morose mug, it’s Jake that really pulls the weight here.

Also, and this is important to note, The Zodiac himself is wonderfully positioned here. You get a great sense for the kind of confusing terror he inflicted on the people of San Francisco; the paranoia, for one, is a great place to start and you get a palatable dollop here.

What’s more is that as we get further and further into this Jake becomes a small, yet important piece into the kind of devilry this killer possessed and how the ciphers he passed along to the papers were, in effect, notes that may or may not have been blatant pleas for someone to stop what he felt compelled to do.

The small facts of this case, the sketches of what the killer looked like, the admission that there were no usable fingerprints, the ballistics, every little portion of this case is couched to us in a way that fascinates and doesn’t bore.

“Killing is his compulsion, it is in his blood”¦”

The funk-tastic soundtrack, the eeriness of how deep Jake gets with this case and how involved in it he becomes is all cause for rejoicing because this looks like a film that hopefully sees Fincher doing what he has done best: put you in a moment that feels tense, is tense, and make you believe that you’re hip deep in it.

It can’t be worse than PANIC ROOM, right?

ANGEL-A (2007)

Director: Luc Besson
Cast:
Jamel Debbouze, Rie Rasmussen, Olivier Claverie, Gilbert Melki, Kate Nauta, Serge Riaboukine
Release: May 25, 2007
Synopsis: A man meets a woman in Paris”¦ Down-on-his-luck petty criminal Andre (Jamel Debbouze) has reached the end of his rope. Irreversibly in debt to a local gangster, with no one to turn to, his only solution is to plunge himself into the Seine. Just as he is perched to do so, a fellow bridge-jumper beats him to the water. Diving in, he saves Angela (Rie Rasmussen), a beautiful, statuesque and mysterious woman. As they pull themselves out the water, the two form a bond and venture into the streets of Paris determined to get Andre out of the hole he has found himself in. As Andre will find out, not all debts are financial, and sometimes the solutions to life¹s problems are found in the unlikeliest of places. Is Angela simply repaying Andre for his kindness, or are there other forces at work beyond his comprehension?

View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)

Prognosis: Loved Every Moment. Two things about this trailer:

1) Since it is directed by Luc Besson it gives me the chance to stump for one of his best directorial outings well before Gary “EEEEEVEERYONE!” Oldman’s performance in THE PROFESSIONAL: THE BIG BLUE. Amazing, amazing movie with a delicate score.

2) This looks like a return to good filmmaking for the man who punched me twice without asking with THE FIFTH ELEMENT, the worst film, next to THE JERKY BOYS, ever made.

This opening’s smoky, jazzy feel is undeniable. It’s like everyone involved is caught in molasses, with our protagonist calling out to God and asking Him if this is what He wants as he contemplates throwing himself off a bridge.

Beat, two beats, slowly pan over to a woman with mascara running down her face as she makes the leap before he has a chance to say “STOP.” Cymbal crash, beat, beat, beat. The woman has extricated herself from the drink and holds a lit cigarette in her hand, forget about the fact she’s drenched and how could she light a match when”¦she just looks like a woman who you’d like to treat poorly for a night. This woman makes smoking look like not such a bad thing. Nice.

Beat, beat, beat guitar slide. Not since Madonna used an air dryer to blow-dry her pits (and I really hate those things because your hands are all wet when you have to touch that metal thing and so you think that other dudes have pushed it as well and their hands were probably dirty and so you feel like your hands are still dirty even as you stand there twisting your palms over again and again) has being dried off by an appliance looked so sexy. It’s hot and not just in a Paris “Spunk Sponge” Hilton sort of way. She’s intriguing.

I love the way the cards explaining who Luc Besson is come sliding in; they’re slick looking, it’s not ostentatious and they are riding the same cool wave our players are.

“You have until midnight”

Things just get going from here as we find our protagonist hanging over the edge of the Eiffel Tower. What’s amazing is that we don’t know what this guy did or needs to do by midnight but he has our sympathy. He could be completely rotten, and we may wish for his demise when we actually see the film, but this trailer is brilliant and garnering emotional support for the man.

Now, the moment when Angela is spreading her legs in a way that Sharon Stone only wish she could have done well? That’s when I am on board for this train. I don’t know how this fits into the narrative but the moment here in the trailer is spot-on as we glide away from here and get a better understanding of how Angela is going to help our threatened man from getting whacked. The shot of her head as the shot is layered with it seemingly attached to a headless statue of, ta-da, an angel is a nice touch.

These two share a few moments together as they make their way through this landscape, sharing a few laughs, getting stopped by thugs with machine guns, but you’ve got to catch this one moment in the trailer where they kiss. It feels so right but Angela’s eyes flash up at us and it looks like those vampire eyes so reminiscent in films right before they devour their prey. I so do not know what to make of this and why it looks so macabre but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it would be pretty sweet if she did take a nip out of his jugular.

So many unanswered questions about this film remain at the end of this thing but I am delighted that’s the case because this movie looks ripe for viewing completely cold; the trailer does just enough to sketch the outline and now all that’s left is to see how it all fills in.

Wonderful trailer.

QSE News: 2/23/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:09 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • In music news, the five people left that are still waiting for the new Guns N’ Roses album will have to wait a little longer. To clear up the mystery surrounding the continued delays, GNR front man Axl Rose released a statement that simply read “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] our fans.”
  • The lead villain has been cast in the upcoming fourth installment of the Rambo film franchise. The casting of an unknown actor to play the villain comes as a shock to many – but still not as big a shock as the fact that they are making another Rambo movie.
  • The band My Morning Jacket is hosting a prom for its fans. The prom will be held on two consecutive nights in Athens, GA and will have the theme of “Under the Sea.” Attendees can expect all the traditional prom amenities, including underage drinking and awkward sexual encounters.
  • Police in Upton, MA were called in to corral a 2000 pound female cow that was wandering around town.  Witnesses say that the cow became agitated and eventually rammed a police car.  After the incident, Upton police stated that it was all a big misunderstanding and no charges will be filed against Miss Rosie O’Donnell.
  • Wii, the Next Generation gaming console from Nintendo, has taken an early lead in the 2007 sales race.  In the month of January, the Wii sold over 435,000 units, which is almost twice as many as either the Playstation 3 or X-Box 360.  Insiders say that pricing has a lot to do with the sales numbers, but other factors may include video game player’s preference for playing with their own Wii.
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 2/23/2007

Filed under: Columns,Thingamabobs — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:03 am
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The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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  • Our good buddies at Sideshow (who’ve provided plenty of cool prizes for some of our Quick Stop contests in the past) are giving away a signed copy of the CLERKS II DVD and the “Pillow Pants 4 Life” Inaction figure as part of their regular “Film, Food & Figure Fridays” today (Friday, 2/23)… (Thingamabob)
  • Some photos are stunning, and some are STUNNING. These are the latter… (Thingamabob)
  • I don’t agree with everything he says (partiucalry about Justice League), but he couldn’t be more right about John K. … (Thingamabob)
  • Another Rube Goldberg-inspired boredom alleviator… (Thingamabob)

Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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February 22, 2007

Music For The Masses: 2/21/07

Filed under: Columns,Music for the Masses — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:49 am
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Hello, friends, and welcome back to Music for the Masses or, as I like to call it, “Sex for your Eyes and Ears ©.” This week, we bang heads with the upcoming release, Alpha, from SevenDust, my uncle Nigel reviews the latest from Bloc Party and Double A “Razah’s” some hell with”¦umm”¦Hell Razah. Sound like fun? Well…as per usual…what do you say we find out?

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Sevendust

Album: Alpha

Sounds like: The inner soundtrack Brittany had playing in her head while she shaved her melon to match her va-jay.

I’ll admit”¦there are few things that I can say with absolute authority, but believe me when I tell you this is one of them…heavy metal music is NOT the music of seduction. I’m serious. Trust me on this one, kids. You can light all the candles you want, spritz a little “smell good” on your junk and drop rose petals on the bed to get your lady in the mood, but if you decide to throw on a little Sepultura as your “Music to Fuck To,” there ain’t a chick alive that’ll let you pile drive her”¦I don’t care HOW much you’ve paid her.

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LaTisha DOES NOT like Sepultura… I have the bruises to prove it.

You see, it appears that most ladies, by which I mean those without SERIOUS “daddy issues,” don’t dig the “heavy metal.” I know. Go figure!! But apparently it has something to do with being “too aggressive, “too loud” and “BLAH BLAH BLAH”¦for their tastes.” Whatever. Honestly? I totally just tuned out and kicked on Sports Center. But seriously”¦chicks, honeys, babies”¦I can’t relate to why you don’t dig metal. After all, haven’t you ever wanted to get psyched up for something? You can’t HONESTLY tell me you’ve never had a big game where you needed to squeeze a little extra juice in the tank, can you? Hmm? Never tried to get your Tri-Delt sisters jazzed up to knock over the local scrap-booking store? No? Never thought about driving 900 miles wearing nothing but a diaper to have a little chat with your make-believe boyfriend’s actual girlfriend? AH! See. . .NOW I got you thinking…

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“I swear, your honor, I was just going to use the mallet to knock the pepper spray out of her eyes.”

But here’s the kicker, ladies, if you’re shunning metal merely because you view it as “dude-centric©,” you shun the chance of stumbling upon a great, fist-pumping disc like Sevendust’s sixth studio release, Alpha. Again, you like that segue? Took a while, but we got there, baby. We got there. Damn straight.

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For you fans of the band, and you know who you are, you’ll be happy to know that Alpha marks a return to “nut punching” form, so to speak, for Atlanta’s Sevendust. If you’ve lost touch with this band over the last couple of”¦umm…albums, you might be a bit discouraged to hear that the band is still focusing on melody above all else. However, this time out, that melody has been tempered with an aggressive instrumentation that hasn’t been heard since the band’s earliest works. Put it this way, Alpha sounds as if it could have easily been the follow-up to the band’s first, self-titled disc”¦not it’s sixth studio release. And no, chuckle nuts, I don’t mean that in a bad way. In fact, congratulations, gentlemen! I’m putting you back into my nightly prayers. Yep. Each and every night, from here on out, before I go off to bed/pleasure myself to the local weather lady, I’m going to say a prayer to the baby Jesus and thank him for metal bands like you.

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Kathy Sabine: local weather lady and post-masturbatory sleep aid.

The guitar interplay between old-pro John Connolly and relative-newcomer Sonny Mayo was impressive on the last disc, but here, it is both subtle and forceful. Furthermore, singer Lajon Witherspoon addresses each track with a vocal attack that is nothing short of impressive. Couple these elements with the solid rhythmical performances of drummer/vocalist Morgan Rose and bassist Vince Hornsby and you have yourself one, tight, driving and damn impressive disc. For those of you taking notes, personal favorites here include the melodic assault of “Under,” the slowly-building intensity of “Feed” and the raucous romp of ‘Suffer.” Check out the tracks “Driven” and the George Lucas-loving “Deathstar” over at their MySpace page now!

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Seriously, friends, if you want to explore some new, ass-lick”¦I mean, kicking, metal that doesn’t sound like it’s being sung by Linda Blair in the “Excorcist,” post possession, then, maybe, JUST maybe, this is the album for you. Again, check out that MySpace link up there and see if it tickles your ‘taint. If you are sitting there right now thinking “Ewww, metal!!” or “Linda who?,” well then, I’m afraid that I’m just going to have to ask you to kindly”¦

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Alpha hits stores on March 6th.

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I know absolutely nothing about the artist Hell Razah. Nothing. Well, that’s not completely true. I do know that he had a song on the Wu-Tang album I reviewed last week. But that’s about it. Oh yeah, and I do know that the song he contributed to the aforementioned Wu-Tang album, “Masked Avengers,” was one of the weakest tracks on the disc. So why did I pick up an entire album buy this guy? I don’t know. Call it a sick pleasure. You know, it’s like when you see a fat girl, or guy, bend over and you see the crack of their ass. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help it. Sometimes the temptation is just too damn strong. Thats why I picked up this album. And besides, M.C. asked me to review something. Fucker.

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Hell Razah’s album The Renaissance Child is not a good album despite the fact that it had such promise. I’m of the mind that the Wu-Tang Clan know what they are doing, and when they endorse an artist, that artist should be pretty good. And when on your first solo CD you bring in the likes of Talib Kweli and MF Doom, that says something to me. It says “Double A, two of your favorite rappers signed on for this project, it’s gotta be good. Now, go get me some cookies.” But alas, the whole album falls short. But it isn’t for lack of trying. Hell Razah actually has a good voice and a great flow. He just needs a little help with the lyrics and the beats.

There are a few bright spots on this album, specifically “Project Jazz” which features Kweli and Viktor Vaughn (MF Doom) and is produced by Doom. This song is outstanding. I would even be so inclined to throw out the word fan-fucking-tastic to describe it. But, of course, I may be a little biased as every song I’ve heard that Doom has had a hand in I think is great. Another good song is “Smoking Gunnz.”

Like I said, this album isn’t that great but there are a few songs here and there that are ok, and one that is outstanding. What this album does do is show is a LOT of potential in our little Hell Razah. He’s in the big time now, and he can only get better.

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REVIEWS BY…

m4m-nigel

Sir Nigel Tufgren Bell, esq.
Englishman

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Well it’s about bloody time that blinkered sod M.C. got off his arse and asked me to do a review for him. Let’s face it, everyone knows that we Brits have the best taste in music out of all the people on this planet. Where did the Beatles come from? Bloody right, England. I could go on, naming all of the ace groups to come out of England but you Yanks wouldn’t know half of them. Barbarians, I say! I thank God, the C and E and the Queen Mother daily that you lot are no longer one of our colonies!

American music is complete bollocks. Pants. Makes me right dicky, Except, of course, for that Carrie Underwood. What a fit bird, cor blimey!! Course, I’d tell her right off to belt up if she fancies a bang, but, ahh, what I would do to her fanny! Then I’d flip her arse over tits and Bob’s your uncle!

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But I’m not here to chin wag about Miss Underwood’s pleasures or your soddin’ music. I’m here to waffle about Bloc Party’s newest CD, A Weekend In The City. All I’ve got to say about this disc is it’s bloody epic! Kicked me right in the goolies, it did. These lads from East London are ace and A Weekend In The City is easily one of the most smashing CDs released so far this year. And no, I haven’t gone potty.

In fact, I had a butchers at these guys a year or so ago at the Lyric and they were cracking. The show was the dog’s bollocks! The sound was stonking, the crowd was full of beans and I was chuffed that the boys closed the show with “Helicopter” from their first CD. And the best part was I got totally pissed and barely made it back to my flat before I honked.

As I said, this CD is blinding. Luvvly-jubbly. The lads had the bottle to expand their sound, away from the carriage house feel of their first disc. They added some orchestration, synths and even a little chorus for those benders out there and the whole thing could easily have gone pear shaped. But it didn’t. The song “Uniform” is pukka and is my absolute fave. However, there are no downers to this CD; the whole thing is brill.

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All that said, you Yanks won’t shine to it because you’re all off your trolley. But I won’t hold it against you. Now, I WOULD fancy holding me todger against Miss Underwood”¦ but that is a tale for another day. So, if you’re ever in England, give us a bell but right now I need to go spend a penny. God save the Queen!!

Rating: 5 out of 5

UPCOMING RELEASES”¦ 2/27/07

ARTIST TITLE GENRE
B.G. & THE CHOPPER CITY BOYZ We Got This RAP
BLUE FRINGE The Whole World Lit Up ROCK
CANON Wide Awake ROCK
DEAN AND BRITTA Back Numbers POP
DO MAKE SAY THINK You, You’re A History In Rust ROCK
MAC DRE & E.B. DADDY OF THE HOOD Rompalation: Thugs Of Honor RAP
MIKA Life In Cartoon Motion POP
MR. KEE Seldom Seen RAP
SLIM THUG W/ THE BOSS HOGG OUTLAWZ Serve & Collect RAP
SNOWGOONS German Lugers RAP
TEMPLE OF BRUTALITY Lethal Agenda METAL
WALL, PAUL Break ’em Off RAP
WERTZ, MATT Everything In Between N/A
WILLARD GRANT CONSPIRACY Let It Roll N/A
WINTERPILLS The Light Divides POP

Well, there you have it friends… another one in the bank. Until next week, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud.

Send pictures of your local weather lady, review copies, hate mail and assorted presents to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

QSE News: 2/22/2007

Filed under: Columns,News — UncaScroogeMcD @ 12:56 am
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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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  • Michael Jackson is being sued on claims that his interference was the cause of a woman’s death. The family of the woman claims the hospital moved the gravely ill patient to another part of the hospital because Jackson was admitted and needed the room – thereby contributing to her passing. We at QSE offer our condolences to the family of the woman but at the same time ask what she was doing staying in the children’s ward of the hospital.
  • It’s reported that Britney Spears has left a rehab clinic after just 24 hours at the facility. Friends and family are surprised by Spears’s self-checkout from the clinic, stating that she “usually commits to something for the long term and never just gives up on stuff.”
  • It’s safe to say that Paul McCartney will not be watching the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Representatives for ABC announced the lineup of stars for the new season and included on the list is McCartney’s money-grubbing ex, Heather Mills. While nothing is official, insiders say that Mills will concentrate on Hip Hop dancing and has even selected the song “One Leg Up” by rapper Half Pint as her first dance number.
  • David Lee Roth will not be reuniting with the Van Halen family after all. According to tour promoters, the reunion tour will not be happening. When asked for comment Eddie Van Halen said “Man, I… damn. I was just… it’s just there was… not on Thursday man. I’m tellin’ you… [EXPLETIVE DELETED] coke man… so that’s where we’re at. I wanted… yeah… [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Roth can’t… man!”
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That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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