FRED Entertainment

Director:Brett Ratner
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Shawn Ashmore, Daniel Cudmore, Alan Cumming, Famke Janssen, James Marsden, Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Release: May 26, 2006
Synopsis: When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier’s former ally, Magneto (McKellen).

Prognosis: I can’t lie, this is just one funny trailer. Let’s see why this movie, and you can quote me on this, will not achieve the same kind of fiscal success and adoration that the first two films achieved.

One reason why this movie will not engender the same kind of proud geek ownership of mutants done right is all in Kelsey Grammer’s make-up job. He looks like a cross between a Blue Man Group stage production of Beauty and the Beast and, well, a Smurf version of the Thriller video.

Now, I’ll be nice with the music that opens things up. It’s really good, minimalist background noise that offers a different approach to the Taiko drumming which usually accompanies so many action flick trailers. It’s sparse but it’s quite effective in driving the mood of the action on the screen.

Further, even though, by its nature, this is a teaser trailer we linger for a while too long on the opening image of an X-Door. I don’t know why the pause so excruciatingly long to me but when you watch and re-watch this trailer you see that there isn’t a reason for it.

We then see our principal players walking with their superhero swagger on the screen. Now, I don’t know if anyone else will find this amusing but the shot of the full team walking in the underground lair of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters almost looks like the result of a game called, “Whose Agent Is Strongest?” You’ve got Halle Berry, an almost perfunctory character in both previous films that really should’ve been killed off, taking point. I don’t know why this is the case as she’s useless to the plot. You’ve got Hugh Jackman following up but, with better reason, should’ve been the main focus as I don’t see STORM: THE LIGHTNING STRIKES being made into a film anytime soon whereas Hugh’s got a nice payday coming because he knows how to shake it on the screen. And then you’ve got Anna Paquin and the rest of the funky bunch strolling behind them as if it’s a portent of who’s going to get playing time in this movie versus everyone else.

Speaking of playing time, I think that the next scene of people fighting in what looks like the borrowed, apocalyptic remnants from the set of TERMINATOR 1 and 2 is actually of the danger room. I could be wrong but Hugh’s noticeable indifference to it all could be that it is all fake or that he’s lost all hope that he has to shuck and jive alongside a furry travesty that looks like it was constructed with blue spray paint and pubes or that Halle whined so damned much about wanting more screen time.

Next we get our glimpse of Angel. I liked Six Feet Under. I liked the ending of that show so much that it may have very well been the greatest ending to a program in recent memory but Ben Foster was downright creepy as all hell. I know actors are paid to play parts but he freaked me out with his whole confused sexuality/stalker/suicidal persona that I just imagine Angel is going to have some intimacy issues or that he’s going to be caught giving a good rogering to the entire aviary population of the San Francisco Zoo.

Magneto’s presence is pretty nice while the car flipping trick he does with his powers is, well, unoriginal; I just wished there was something a little more “flashy” he could do. Now, and this is fucking hilarious, go to the part right after this when Magneto is addressing some of his tribe in the middle of the forest. Pause it. Okay, okay, off to the right yeah there’s Jean Grey. She’s alive, that’s great, whatever, but on the other side, way over to the left, you’ve got Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. He’s standing there with his super duper helmet next to his side but he also seems to have super abs. I mean, holy hell, one ab stretches the length of his torso. Where the hell did the effects guys go for training, the Rob Liefeld School of Anatomy? I’m still laughing over that. I mean, it looks exactly like what it is: a rubber suit.

Whoa, now if you slow down again, you can see the first appearance of The Beast. Again, the laughs just don’t stop. I can understand why Singer didn’t include him in X2: because it looks ridiculous. It’s just shameful yet surprisingly funny.

I don’t know why the slo-mo of Cyclops’ glasses coming off is really needed, I did like the shot of him just losing it whilst standing on the edge where his hoochie decided to get all hari-kari on us but that’s quickly supplanted with the now alive, evil Jean Grey who will no doubt be shifting her loyalties as some kind of incarnation of the Phoenix.

We get more shots of The Beast, goddamn what it must have been like for Kelsey to have this make-up applied and questioning, on some level, what a fool you look like and then you get more snippets of Wolverine going his raised eyebrow thing as he lights stogie after stogie. Magneto applies the same damn paralyzing hold on Jackman as the originality surges through the screen and I am left wondering if all the action of this movie is going to take place in either the danger room, the forest and the school’s grounds. That’s all I am really seeing here.

I just don’t know what this movie will do when it comes out. I can’t see anything here that makes me think this will be anything less than a mild letdown of what we’ve all come to expect. I want to be wrong, I do, but what here gave me hope that I am? Nothing. Not a thing.

Director: Spike Lee
Cast: Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Christopher Plummer, Peter Gerety, Peter Frechette, Jason Manuel Olazabal, Darryl ‘Chill” Mitchell, Ashlie Atkinson
Release: March 24, 2006
Synopsis: The Inside Man takes places during a hostage situation in which a tough cop matches wits a clever bank robber, who sets to pull the the perfect heist. Washington stars as New York police detective Keith Miller, a tough, street-smart cop fighting for a promotion while trying to live down accusations of misconduct connected to his last case. When he and his partner are dispatched to the scene of an in-progress bank robbery and hostage crisis, Miller must face off against a well-educated criminal (Owen) masterminding a concisely plotted operation. As negotiations grow more strained, a powerful lawyer with mysterious ties (Foster) becomes involved in the crisis… and Miller slowly begins to realize that in this ultimate game of cat and mouse, rules are arbitrary, all roles are up for grabs and the black-and-white of right an wrong has blurred to a shadowy landscape of gray. Dafoe will be playing the role of a police captain while Ejiofor plays a detective in the film.

You wouldn’t know there is anything wrong with this film’s premise by the opening sequence of this trailer. Clive Owen’s upper torso and vacant eyes stare into the camera. He comes off really cold, calculated and I take it he’s not the huggable type in this film either. He’s found a great niche for himself playing these kinds of roles and I won’t begrudge him his crazy ability to make you sit and pay attention to whatever he has to say; if that mo-fo was trying to sell me on a box on sanitary napkins I might just buy “˜em because of how compelling he comes across.

The set-up is that Clive chooses his words very carefully and never repeats himself. Alright, it’s a bit dramatic but I’ll roll with it.

Clive lets us know that he’s planned the perfect bank robbery. Aren’t they all?

Well, after the initial “Everybody down!” exhortation we get Denzel as the crack negotiator who’s going to spearhead all the splendiferous action we’re about to get on the screen. Let me be the first to say he’s impeccably dressed for a man of his job description. So neat and tidy, fedora on his head, Denzel really knows how to dress for success.

Now, Clive really is planning the perfect bank robbery because he knows how to get chicks to undress, notice how they all seem to be incredibly good-looking ladies in their bras and underwear without an overweight dude anywhere to be found, I guess those people bank at Wells Fargo, plus he’s demanding a jumbo jet at a local New York airport. What is this, DIE HARD 2? Everyone knows that whenever you demand air transport in a movie you’re going to end up either shot or strewed about in fragmented airplane parts when the good guy manages to blow the plane up.

We jump from that preposterous moment to Jodie “Pinball Fun and Excitement” Foster playing the hard ass in a move that isn’t quite clear. The word “interests” is bandied about a few times so I am left to assume that there is going to be a pissing match between Denzel and her. I think it would be nice to watch if it all didn’t feel so, well, tired and done before.

What’s more is that the lame action is cranked up to a 3 when Denzel comes off like the cool dude running everything while having a cool hand Luke answer to every smarmy comment made to him. It tries to be edgy and you’re supposed to be identifying with Denzel but you can’t. No one can. It’s a stock action hero character that’s being amped up here and it’s nigh impossible to feel anything but tediousness as this trailer comes to its rip-roaring conclusion.

Oh, and this movie is being directed by Spike Lee so take it for what it’s worth; around these parts, though, I wouldn’t buy it.

Director:John Lasseter
Cast: Paul Newman, Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, “Larry the Cable Guy”, Cheech Marin, George Carlin, Richard Petty, Michael Keaton, Tony Shalhoub, John Ratzenberger
Release: June 9, 2006
Synopsis: Lightning McQueen (voiced by Wilson), a hotshot rookie race car driven to succeed, discovers that life is about the journey, not the finish line, when he finds himself unexpectedly detoured in the sleepy Route 66 town of Radiator Springs. On route across the country to the big Piston Cup Championship in California to compete against two seasoned pros, McQueen gets to know the town’s offbeat characters ““including Sally (a snazzy 2002 Porsche voiced by Hunt), Doc Hudson (a 1951 Hudson Hornet with a mysterious past, voiced by Newman), and Mater (a rusty but trusty tow truck voiced by Larry the Cable Guy) ““ who help him realize that there are more important things than trophies, fame and sponsorship. The all-star vocal cast also includes free-wheeling performances by racing legend Richard Petty and. Fueled with plenty of humor, action, heartfelt drama, and amazing new technical feats, CARS is a high octane delight for moviegoers of all ages.

One of the first rules everyone in the filmic universe should know, as if there was a encyclopedic reference book on such things, is that when you make a kids film studios don’t really mind a) making them on the cheap because the profit margin is so good and 2) how reasonably terrible they are because there is almost a guaranteed audience waiting to shove their Booger Eaters into them. It’s the latter notation that worried me when I saw the teaser for CARS. I figured that this was a case of a simplistic cash-in and that not much thought was put into it.

Obviously, I’m wrong as it takes a very long time to develop these and make them but the teaser didn’t tease and it didn’t have the kind of panache that the trailers for THE INCREDIBLES was able to capture. Those, those INCREDIBLES trailers, were wonderfully funny, glib and poked all sorts of fun at convention.

This trailer finally gets into the spirit of what a Pixar trailer needs to be. They’ve set the bar high for themselves and what we get when we watch this is that self-same social reference that adults can get while their kids enjoy the flashy flashy.

The premise of this trailer posits that we all know and have watched those car commercials where, usually the Lexus voiceover guy does it best, champions their vehicles over the competition; the opening shots of this commercial have the hyper activity that’s necessary, vital, to get people’s attention.

A revving engine, a mass techno friendly beat in the background, slick angles of a car slowly wheeling out into the light manage to wipe the crap on the windshield that was the teaser trailer out of my memory. And I really enjoy the voiceover here because it’s perfectly utilized.

I appreciate the odd angles of the car speeding past other, more inferior vehicles on the roadway and the script that comes up on the bottom of the screen that says “CLOSED COURSE. DO NOT ATTEMPT” as it’s toying with convention and that’s what Pixar has done so well.

“”¦Our cars speak for themselves”¦”

When the screen goes black after a car does a drift in the dirt, the pacing is spot-on when it goes quiet for a moment only to open up on a VW bus and a Jeep staring at a blinking yellow light. Now while kiddies won’t get the connotation that only dirty, grungy, pot smoking hippies drive VW busses and that its comments about the blinking yellow light is not only a great funny we are quickly escorted to the moments kids will take a shine to.

With cars racing every which way, the vehicles themselves clearly lifted from a Merry Melodies short decades ago around the fifties, thus, excusing the fact that the design isn’t all that original, I can’t help but applaud this version of the trailer.

“I’d give my left two lug nuts to see something like that”¦”

Yeah, I’d say the writing is still as strong as it ever was.

Director: Kevin Harrison, Kemp Curley
Cast: Shawn Farmer, Nick Perata, Terje Haakonsen, Shaun White, Hannah Teter
Release: December 2, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: The docu-drama First Descent chronicles the rebellious, inspiring and sometimes controversial rise of snowboarding–as seen through the eyes of the snowboarders setting the standards and breaking the boundaries of this worldwide phenomenon.

Prognosis: Gnarly Ass. Truth: I grew up with snow.

Every year there was another chance to go down hills and slopes. My peers talked about going up to ski resorts and doing what teenagers would love to do when given the opportunity to ski or snowboard. And, every year, I always found new ways to prevent myself from getting caught up in the idea of whipping down a run with no other way to stop than by coordinating one’s body to do it. I saw BETTER OFF DEAD. I knew what could happen.

I chose to sled; you can’t beat the sensation of tobogganing down a big hill and wiping out, getting ejected from one’s vehicle. I think this is why I like this trailer.

There’s something about learning about what was, really, a sport thought to be a non-sport by those too good to acknowledge the physicality it takes to command a single plank piece that’s affixed to both feet. I remember hearing how snowboarders were notorious for ripping up ski runs but how much of that was myth and how much of that was the same disinformation that came out around 1983/1984 when skateboarding really took a foothold in our nation’s suburbs? I don’t know but I like that this will take a look at snowboarding in a way that’s meaningful.

I love it, I really do, that this trailer opens up with throaty voiceover guy busting out a quote that tells us that snowboarding was once labeled as “the worst sport ever invented.” It’s funny but it’s also telling.

Since this is being done in kind of the same way that ENDLESS SUMMER was done, the film cutting to the athletes doing their thing, you’re going to get a lot of awe compressed in this thing. You can also count on getting a good soundtrack embedded behind it all so it’s really going to come down to how it’s all pieced together.

The opening sequences of snowboarders gliding off cliffs and hanging in the ether as they glide to earth on their fixed wing aircraft is enough to make you go out and get HD and hope it ends in a horrific “agony of defeat” moment; and, deliciously, you get them here.

Another thing that makes me stand up and take notice is that we’re told this film is going to capture the experiences of not just a few people but, like a departure from Bruce Brown’s unmatchable classic, 4 generations of snowboarders. I like that. How else can one define where a sport really started, evolved and where it’s going than by listening to how those involved with snowboarding through its development?

And, as we whip right through the dudes and ladies who have shaped snowboarding’s image, we turn off the music and voices as we quick cut to a dude literally launching off a cliff, drifting into a crevasse with no parachute being deployed. Sweet.

In addition to this goodness, we’re told that this movie also features 5 of the best snowboarders in the world going down what is, ostensibly, the equivalent of the K-12 from DEAD. The sheer dangerousness and intimidation factor is one thing but when the camera pulls back and you see how incredibly tiny these people are in relation to the size of this slope you can almost feel your own nads run for cover.

What shoves said nads up to my throat, even, is near the end of this trailer and all five of our brave snowboarders, or crazy, you decide, is that you see one person just gliding along on their board as a localized avalanche erupts underneath their feet. You see the snow breaking apart, a large chunk of snow break apart, and it just ripples. Like a champ, like a pro, the “˜boarder just rides it the hell out of there without succumbing to the slide. Unreal.

For myself, whenever I go out with my little red disc, I take the advice of Charles De Mar’s, Curtis Armstrong, advice to heart: Go that way, really fast, if something gets in your way, turn.

Director: Richard Loncraine
Cast: Harrison Ford, Paul Bettany, Virginia Madsen, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Robert Patrick, Robert Forster, Alan Arkin
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: A thief (Paul Bettany) kidnaps bank security expert Jack Stanfield’s (Harrison Ford) family, forcing Jack to find a flaw in his own security system and steal $100 million.

You’re welcome.

Not to give short shrift to meth heads, you’ll see a movie soon enough dealing with how mullet headed idiots are blowing themselves up along their doublewides soon enough, but this discussion is going to be about identity theft. Not that this isn’t a big issue but remember how when The Internets starting getting press attention in the early 90’s there was a movie about it starring Sandra Bullock and an odd sell-out Dennis Miller in THE NET? Well, this movie is going to be the same thing. And, if it isn’t, it sure feels like it.

When the trailer opens up and we see the computer-esque script scroll across the screen with the social security number, job position, name and other various minutiae about Harrison Ford with the rhetorical question “How secure is your identity?” I get a bit concerned.

How am I supposed to feel about a movie that, from the outset, seems like your average Law and Order, ripped from today’s headlines, kind of movie? It’s Harrison Ford, sure, but we’re not starting off on the right note.

When Harrison realizes someone compromised his personal information, making him eligible to do one of those funny funny commercials with those people for Citibank, he’s all sorts of worried. And he should be too as the screen goes black and asks one of those kinds of questions that news outlets in your hometown love to ask when they promo some story to get you to watch it: how safe is your family? If you listened to them, if you actually paid attention to these kind of “news” stories, you’d think you were targeted for death every day by average events that transpire every day in your life.

It doesn’t fly there and it’s crap that they use this same sensationalist baiting in this trailer. That said, the premise gets some legs when this isn’t about identity theft at all but actually departs from just theft of Harrison Ford and evolves into a plot to steal money from the bank Harrison works for.

It seems a bit disingenuous to lead in one direction and then go off in another but I actually get into it when we understand that Ford’s family is essentially being held hostage so that Paul Bettany can rob his bank. It’s DIE HARD, Hans Gruber-ish in a way, but the more this movie goes on the more it seems like this is a movie targeted by the older sect. It’s not a bad thing but I understand the marketing a little better.

One of the best things about assuming about thinking you know where it all leads is that you can be wrong from time to time.

Just when I think this is going to be a Paint-By-Numbers thievery kind of flick or that there’s nothing flashy or eye-popping about the events that transpire, no explosions or dudes throwing themselves off rooftops in a major escape attempt, the plot changes.

Ford goes against plan and starts to fight back against Bettany’s thugs and even though a software nerd like Harrison is supposed to be doesn’t quite cry out “hero in disguise” the premise that the pot is stirred in the other direction actually looks entertaining.

We got guns, explosions, people being tossed out windows, fast moving vehicles and everything else that goes along with having one guy be the one man army we all know from other kinds of movies in this genre.

The quick cuts are generous with their display of violent content and you get a pleasurable dollop of bombast with the heroic statements from both Ford and Bettany. True, this doesn’t quite cry out to 18-34 demographic but it does look like the kind of adults who would go out to see AFTER THE SUNSET and THE INTERPRETER will get their fix of movie magic.

Director: Sofia Coppola
Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Asia Argento, Rip Torn, Molly Shannon
Release: October 13, 2006
Synopsis: Dunst stars as the young Austrian who got married off to a Frenchman, lost her head over fancy clothes, and then really lost her head to the blade of the guillotine. Schwartzman co-stars as Louis XVI, her politically (and sexually) ineffectual husband.

With the exception of Glenn Close and John Malkovich, I just can’t help but feel that just because a story took place in France, England or whatever trendy European locale James Ivory wants to set against his latest snooze-fest that it makes for a better movie to keep everything as it was just for accuracy sake.

One of the most clever things I learned about texts that were written centuries ago from parts all over the globe, in my travails as an English major, was that the same story could have been re-edited for modern audiences countless times over. You’re not changing anything, really, when you have a good editor making a story better understood. What makes modern interpretation so much fun, then, is that when you have good people telling the story in a filmic setting you are able to engage the audience.

Pompous, arrogant and self-aware movies that want to retain everything original about a story’s point, then, run the risk of alienating audiences. Sure, corduroy wearing English teachers and old people who don’t know the joys of cable television and only watch PBS’ Masterpiece Theater will tout productions of every make and model as wonderful but what about the young’uns who would benefit from modern interpretations of stories.

If Sophia Coppola can do for Marie-Antoinette what Baz Luhrmann did for ROMEO AND JULIET I can see this movie being a good time out at the theater; her use of Age of Consent by New Order is a good start.

And one of the most daring things that’s done with regard to using a New Order song in this trailer is that this is all she uses.

There is no voiceover, no cards, no indication of what time or place this is.

The visuals are wonderfully rendered and even thought this is something that could be found in any aforementioned Masterpiece Theater production I feel a little more willing to be engaged with what’s happening on the screen.

At first I think I’m getting things all wrong. I restart this trailer three times before wondering if they honestly screwed something up with the mixing of it. And once I know that this was done on purpose I find myself turning my head a little bit like a dog hearing a whistle, trying to understand the purpose of doing this. That’s when I get it and enjoy this thing for what it is.

Even though I may see dudes galloping on horses, people pulling up to a castle in their pimp chariots of fire and seeing Kirsten strolling about in her fancy dress, her white coif accenting her bodice in a most flattering fashion, I get it. I know why it seems strange not to have celebrities busting out their faux accents in this trailer, their egos popping at the hinges at the opportunity to show the world how they can really act.

Even though the danger here is that people, potential audience members, could scratch their heads and wonder what this movie is all about, not knowing it’s about Marie Antoinette, and say forget it there is something interesting to just watching this trailer.

The music fits in seamlessly with this 18th century period piece and when Kirsten has her head against the glass of her stage coach you don’t have an overzealous voiceover twit talking my ear off, I’m not whisked away by the image of something else, I’m given a flash of something nice.

Sure, you’ve got dudes getting it on with swords and you’ve got boats firing cannons at one another, looking like some Las Vegas Treasure Island boat show, but, if you’re into it and I am, you get a lusty Kirsten Dunst wearing nothing but a powder blue garter, and a white hand fan covering her fun bags. I’m nothing if not observant.

What a nice trailer and what horror it is to learn that this movie isn’t coming out until October of next year. If I were in charge I would be asking for the head of Sofia Coppola for such a transgression. As it stands, though, this trailer will just have to do till that day arrives.

Director: Cory Edwards, Todd Edwards, Tony Leech
Cast:(Voices) James Belushi, Glen Close, Andy Dick, Anne Hathaway, David Ogden Stiers, Anthony Anderson, Xzibit, Chazz Palminteri, Sally Struthers, Patrick Warburton
Release: January 13, 2006
Synopsis: In the re-telling of this classic fable, the story begins at the end. Chief Grizzly (Xzibit) and Detective Bill Stork (Anthony Anderson) investigate a domestic disturbance at Granny’s (Glenn Close) cottage, involving a karate-kicking Red Riding Hood (Anne Hathaway), a sarcastic wolf (Patrick Warburton) and an oafish Woodsman (Jim Belushi). The charges are many: breaking and entering, intent to eat, wielding an axe without a license, but these unusual suspects have their story to tell first.

Prognosis: I’ll Read The Book. Has anyone seen that wholesome Anne Hathaway vehicle that showcases her, um, vehicles, HAVOC? Yeah, me neither, but I did hear about this movie around the same time when the hubbub about HAVOC was percolating to the surface.

There’s just something about that film’s controversy and this animated movie being the first from the Weinstein Company that raises some good questions about what HOODWINKED hopes to establish about the big dollar potential in their kid flicks. I know people remember what happened to Fox Animation after a couple of wretched movies destroyed that arm of their filmic portfolio. It’s not enough anymore to just make a kids movie and expect that if it’s done halfway well that the bucks are going to roll in.

You’ve got to come correct at the theater and it’s pretty much all Pixar’s, really Brad Bird, doing in the last decade or so that they’ve raised the bar in terms of what really makes good animated fun. Sure, you may have a suck ass movie and make many dollars at the box office or in the secondary home video market (that craptacular SHARK TALE and CHICKEN LITTLE proved that) but this is more about longevity, having a unique voice.

I can’t really say I hear echoes of greatness it in this trailer.

What I do like, though, from the outset is that this movie is being told in a Rashomon fashion, getting many perspectives from the same event, and for that it gets some kudos. What’s really not so great is that the first third of this trailer is burnt by just recounting the story of Little Red Riding Hood when Red starts to talk to who she thinks is grandma. Yeah, you can go this route and the glib funny-funny joke at the end of the usual exchange, when the wolf pitches a fit about being interrogated by the girl, will make some of the parents giggle but something odd happens. The granny who was replaced comes bounding from the hall closet, gagged and tied up with rope, while some strapping Swiss/Germanic lumberjack busts through the bedroom window. This should be a funny moment, there should be a bon mot or something said by either the goofy looking guy who’s donning some tight tight lederhosen or the wolf who’s just been had.

No, we don’t get any of that. We just get the modern angle of cops showing up to find out exactly what has happened. It’s not funny, it just seems, well, normal.

The moment takes our Japanese-inspired turn when the whole gang is being interrogated by the lead detective in the case, a frog who I guess is supposed to be funny, and we’re supposed to believe that’s there more to this story than just Red coming to visit her grandma.

The angle here is that Little Red might not be so innocent in the crime, that grandma might be some kind of secret agent (I still don’t know why we had to see her snowboarding down a mountain after she tossed two explosive charges (!) on top of it), the wolf might actually be a victim (aren’t we all?) and the lumberjack is a buffoon; say what you will, but when I started to read plays in college around the time of Shakespeare and beyond I’ve always had a soft spot for the idiots. I don’t suffer fools gladly but when they’re genuinely stupid I appreciate that kind of stock character.

And yeah, the music that runs underneath our character introductions, EMF’s “Unbelievable”? I think if this movie was going to come out circa 1992 it would be relevant but almost a decade and a half after its release? No, it’s not.

The last third of the trailer really wants to play up the angles of how this story is going to turn the traditional story on its head but the jokes, visual gags and assorted attempts to inject humor just don’t work. My kid may like it but I just can’t see myself placing this in the pantheon of great kids films.

Director:Wayne Wang
Cast: Queen Latifah, LL Cool J, Timothy Hutton, Gerard Depardieu, Alicia Witt, Giancarlo Esposito
Release: January 13, 2006
Synopsis: A shy cookware clerk (Queen Latifah), believing her days are numbered, throws caution to the wind and embarks on a dream vacation to Europe. While staying at a grand hotel, she and her uninhibited attitude have a profound and humorous effect on the guests and staff.

Prognosis: Yeah, I’ll Suggest This To My Lady Friends. Honest question for the peanut gallery:

Does a movie that is anchored by Queen Latifah and LL Cool J warrant a label that it is necessarily an urban romantic comedy, and let’s be honest here when we say that urban means that it befits a certain segment of the black population, or are we beyond middle America’s box office punch when it comes to marketing a movie to everyone and not just narrowcasting to one race?

I would hope so because this flick, while not being marketed to dudes like me who would rather spend the afternoon trimming the hedges, actually tugs at the right places. For what it is supposed to be, a romantic comedy, it pops on all the right cylinders.

Now, for future reference, marketing rom-coms means that there are certain things you’ve got to execute in order to get the biggest, noticeable punch for your ad dollars:

1. Give away the movie. No matter what you’ve got to tell the entire story in the two minutes, thirty seconds you are given.

2. Make sure you showcase the ladies. Your story may involve a dude but, like in real life, dudes are irrelevant to your protagonist but make sure, when possible, to make them look like idiots.

3. Be sympathetic. Ply at chicks’ heartstrings by manipulating them with rusty, dusty oldies music. For examples of this look at trailers for RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS, THE FAMILY STONE, HANGING UP and nearly every single movie where chicks are all laughing for no good reason.

Now, our trailer here begins with showcasing Queen in all her simpleton glory. You root for her because she is immediately shown getting worked over by her insufferable boss and that she has a thing for LL; I mean, hell, who doesn’t have a thing for LL? I might have a thing for LL. Point is, she comes off sweetly. I didn’t have high hopes for the film when I initially saw the print advertising for the movie but any animosity I had gets slowly burned by a nice, easy build-up to what is, at it’s core, the point of the film.

She’s got three weeks to live, or so it says as these things have a way of magically being magically rectified by movie’s end, Queen takes a big dollar loan/withdrawl from the bank, I’m unsure of how this could happen so fast but fuck reality, man, this is the talkies after all, and goes off to some exotic locale and splurges on all the things that she’s dreamed of consuming.

It’s formulaic, yes, of the woman who had nothing, gets everything, and plays the country bumpkin/simpleton in a world populated by hoity-toidy tight wads. People like these kind of rags to riches variants and when I see Queen just doing one thing after another that shows how she’s really just a proverbial fish out of water, with the assumption that she’s going to find her way back to LL is all but assured. Oh, but it isn’t assured, it’s effing showed in all its lame glory.

The closing music to this trailer? “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” This couldn’t have been more textbook. Ladies are going to be dragging their dudes to this one in quick order. If the original version of this movie, which came out over half a century ago, is any indication I am sure we’ll see a new incarnation of this same story around 2050.

Director: Matt Mulhern
Cast: David Schwimmer, Janeane Garofalo, Judah Friedlander, Susan Lynch, Dick Cavett
Release: November 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A down-on-his-luck, divorced father works the night shift at an Atlantic City casino. When his relationship with his young daughters and ex-wife is jeopardized by a run-in with the law, he struggles to get his life – and family – back together before it’s too late. A moving and humorous look at the limits of unconditional love and what defines a family.

Prognosis: Down and Out. First time I saw Janeane Garofalo was episode one on Fox when The Ben Stiller Show, one of the first real great Fox fuck-ups to come from that would eventually claim the life of Arrested Development, debuted over a decade ago. She was smart, witty, pretty, funny and all sorts of perfect for the show.

When the show dissolved it was rough trying to keep up with her comedic stylings, her talent just leeched away into the gutter by Saturday Night Live, but she’s made a voice for herself in a serious way in the past few years and it’s wonderful to see her here doing more than just being the foil for more important, read here: studio sap, stars.

David Schwimmer? Can’t say I like him that much. He’s got a one tone acting style, has a droopy eyed delivery that I can’t say is done on purpose or brought to me by the fine people from Pfizer Pharmaceuticals and is not really compelling as a leading man.

Case in point? The first scene of this trailer is of him finishing a beer as a po-po sloshes up to his car right before he’s going to be arrested for drunken driving. I can’t understand if this was to be funny, amusing or pathetic but when he sloppily says he has a kid in the back seat I get that this is supposed to be straight.

The homesick country chords play in the background as we’re pimped with the sign that this movie was a 2005 Sundance entry; good, I always appreciate when advertisers see the importance of getting this information out early.

We next see David being harangued by the judge at his sentencing which, again, is odd because he makes a wisecrack and I’m not sure if he’s the fun kind of alcoholic which are always good to have a party or he’s the depressing kind that are always a drag. He’s confusing.

He kind of backslides when Janeane threatens to prevent David from seeing the kid he was busted with whilst on a drunken bender but, again, I don’t understand. If David’s a drunk who obviously doesn’t care of whether his kid is harmed or not then why does he have a sudden sober moment about his life’s future?

I blame the trailer for being unclear for cutting some understanding of where we’re going with this movie. Case in point, David ditches the sloshy lifestyle for one of three-piece suits at an Atlantic City casino. He presents well and actually looks good but how the hell did we get here? Again, lots were left out and I can’t see how I am supposed to be amped to see a movie where I’m not all that sure of if I would want to see what happens to this goober.

And then, the best part, he slides back into the boozing. Even though David is in essence twisting down a coil that is similar to that of Nic Cage in LEAVING LAS VEGAS the difference is that I am befuddled when David starts talking about how he loves his kids and his ex-wife but obviously still likes the liquor.

Are these kinds of guys sympathetic protagonists or pathetic machinations that we should pity? I can’t say and I think that’s the real problem of this trailer. I want to like this movie so much because it seems like a real departure for Janeane but what’s here in this piece of advertising has me so wrapped up in David that I’m not sure if it’s worth the effort to look and find out.

Director: Roger Donaldson
Cast: Anthony Hopkins, Diane Ladd, Paul Rodriguez Aaron Murphy, Annie Whittle
Release: February 3, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: In `60s New Zealand, at the bottom of the world, Burt Munro takes a 1920 Indian motorcycle and, delightfully without resources other than his own obsession and a Kiwi #8 wire mentality, spends his retirement rebuilding the bike and following his dream to go to Speed Week at Salt Lake in Utah. Under funded, without the support of a team and against all the odds he not only makes it to Bonneville, he sets a world land spend record, not once, but again and again.

Prognosis: Positive. Sometimes, things just hit me a certain way.

Be it just or unjust there are just triggers which prompt me to sit quietly and take notice; shiny objects going very fast is one of them.

I think if I was to compare this movie’s audience and range, in terms of who this movie could ultimately reach, I would place it in the same realm as the awful MADISON, that boat movie which is taking up pointless space next to the seven shelves worth of MY DATE WITH DREW at the local Blockbuster. But this movie feels a little different somehow. The protagonist here, Sir Anthony Hopkins, is just one guy and his quest seems more about his own quest than it is one of those hokey suppositions that are usually found in mainstream movies where it all comes down to one last”¦(fill in the blank).

At first glance you’d expect this to be a quiet kind of film. Hopkins, a motorcycle and his age all seem qualifiers that would put this movie on the docket for the 3 p.m. evening movie at the Frosty Acres Nursing Home. I was actually looking for a trailer I could kick around a bit, sharpen the old talons on a squirrelly piece of mice meat, but was floored by the intensity that builds up when Hopkins rolls his motorcycle out into the open. A couple of A chords, some steel toe shoes that look like they were ripped from a MATRIX or ALIENS vehicle, some sparks of electricity and some sweet-ass angles of said motorbike achieving a gnarly velocity are all that one needs to give Hopkins a boost.

What’s more is that before we go back into the grandeur that is Hopkins getting his quickness on he’s talking to some officials about why, as a Kiwi, he was in America. His response that he’s out to set the land speed record, not only reminds me of that delicious Tanya Donelly single that only I seem to know of or possess, but it provides a nice interlude between his solo runs and the quickness he displays against younger dudes and their fast bikes.

And what would a sport bike movie be without a few wipeouts? I like that we linger for a little bit on Anthony’s face when he eats it on a barren salt flat. The expression is worth the price of admission alone. Yes, it’s fake, I know that, but it’s nonetheless effective in evoking that this geezer set out to do something that not even I have the stones to do.

The rest of the trailer intersperses this bike of his going very fast while being entertained with Hopkins’ dry wit when he’s pulled over by a po-po doing around 150 mph; for those limeys in attendance, I think that equals something very swift in kilometers.

“Based on one hell of a true story”

I just have to give it up for the musical direction of this trailer. I can’t remember when the tunes created such a kinetic feeling and you’ve got that right here. I think my penchant for all things wipe out was psychically understood by the Trailer Gods as the final image we have of old Anthony is of his head scraping, once more, the bottom of a salt flat as he cries out in the only way that a senior citizen can.

Man, does this ever look facetiously manipulative but it hasn’t ever looked, or sounded, so good.

Director: Gore Verbinski
Cast: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Stellan Skarsgård, Bill Nighy, Jack Davenport, Kevin R. McNally, Jonathan Pryce
Release: July 7, 2006
Synopsis: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley reunite in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST, an all new epic tale chronicling the further mis-adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Gore Verbinski from a screenplay written by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio, Captain Jack sets sail on an all new adventure ““ filled with more intrigue, more spectacular special effects and more comedy.

Prognosis: Positive. No, it wasn’t rocking anyone’s world with its ability to create something special on the screen, technically speaking, but I’ll be damned if the first PIRATES wasn’t all sorts of mindless fun.

Gore Verbinski was a lot of people’s whipping boy until he brought people out in droves and then got them to buy DVD’s in droves as well. PIRATES proved the power of making films that are just plain fun. There isn’t foul language to speak of, no one gets their nads blown off in a spectacular way and there was actually a coherent plot that not only entertained but showed the power of having three actors who could deal with sharing the spotlight with one another.

There is no doubt that the people with this could have taken the SUPERMAN IV approach and made a movie that would ensure money but no doubt tarnish the first flick’s reputation. What I can see here, though, looks like you have a director who saw what made the first movie great and wants to try it again.

You almost want to give Gore a pat on the tuchas for wanting to try and make a LORD OF THE RINGS for the Disney sect because the trailer really shines in that it just feels like safe, family fare. It’s not a bad thing, mind you, but you just know what you’re going to get with this movie. Sometimes that’s just a nice thing to know.

Big fan of the creepy “Yo ho, yo, ho, a pirate’s life for me”¦” I remember standing in line for this damned ride and listening to the endless soundtrack playing again and again, so it takes me back.

I don’t really get the opening shots of the chain gang walking along a darkened rock bridge, the skeletons of dead men in long iron cages. I don’t know if we’re revisiting the events of what made the first movie so fun, that Jack was a part of the rag tag bunch of pirates, but it’s nonetheless intriguing as is the shot of dozens of people wading though a sick lake that’s covered with a thin plume of fog.

Now, and this is really cool, and I mean “cool” in the most academic sense, we get a glimpse of what I believe is Davey Jones, the salty dog who’s covered with all sorts of danger. This is what young kids really want to see on the screen and who better to voice this character than Bill Nighy.

The one thing that scares me though is when the always dependable Johnny Depp, who would’ve thought this 21 Jump Street alum was going to go on to do great things as I had my money on Richard Grieco, is in all his glory until he gets hogtied and put on a spit. You flirt with danger when you add natives into a movie; to me, it feels like lazy filmmaking. With ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS you had natives playing an awful role in an already awful movie but, in THE RUNDOWN, they were perfectly used in what should’ve been an average movie. When Depp is forced to play off of them I am hopeful we end up with something from the latter and not the former.

The last third of this trailer gives us equal doses of Orlando and Kiera in all their splendiferous glory. If I had to compare it to anything it’s almost like if Lost, HELLBOY and THE GOONIES merged into this conflagration of traps, machinations and oddities following them all. It’s enough eye candy to keep the young’uns wired for days but I am just giddy, again, academic usage, to see that movies like this are being made.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Cast: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard
Release: July 21, 2006
Synopsis: The story of a superintendent of an apartment complex in Philadelphia who discovers a sea nymph living in the building’s swimming pool.

Prognosis: Positive. Okay, I realize that many of you were butt-hurt over the travesty that was THE VILLAGE.

I can’t qualify anyone’s remarks because it was said remarks that kept me from even renting the movie, quite unfortunate too as I am a big big fan of SIXTH and UNBREAKABLE and, yes, even SIGNS. Was THE VILLAGE all that bad? I think there is something to M. Night’s writing technique and his whole surprise ending angle but I am hoping he isn’t banking his entire career on it because what I see here is actually quite poignant.

I am a fan of the title, first of all, as the subtitle, A BEDTIME STORY, kind of puts things in the right frame of reference for everyone. There’s a kind of fairytale supposition, be this a true story, i.e. set in the real world, or not, and it kind of gives Night some latitude.

The opening is really original in ways I can’t quite put into words. It might have to do with the lilting music that plays behind the sequence or the framing that really is Night’s signature style, but when you see a group of apartment dwellers all gathered around the pool, an odd conflagration which never quite happens in real life, but we’ll accept it as fact here.

Also, does anyone have one of those symbolism dictionaries? I used to have one early on in my English education but probably sold it back to make 4 bucks on the 40 I spent on it. I ask because there is an odd lingering on the image of butterflies. There are lots of “˜em and even though we see them for a few seconds, I would love to know what they could mean in the context of this movie.

Next, we’re introduced to Cleveland, Paul Giamatti, who seems to be the silent, stoic, superintendent of this complex and we see him in all his lonely glory; and, man, does he ever look lonely. That’s why it kind of concerns me that when we see him after his day labors are done, chillin’ inside his little cottage on the outskirts of the apartment grounds, he pulls a notebook from the top shelf of one of his bookcases and starts writing in it.

Now, what concerns me is that the notebook is awfully tall and, when we get our birds-eye view of the writing in question, the script is thin and runs all the way from the left to the right and takes up the entire page; it’s like Kevin Spacey from SEVEN. I’m not sure if this means he’s psychotic or that he’s writing about how he likes to rub strawberry jelly on his nether regions while chanting “I hate Bush” and watching Judy Garland movies but, man, what I would give to have this movie take a horrific turn. As it is, though, we just get some script on the screen.

“Once upon a time there was a man named Cleveland Heep whose life would change forever”¦”

Although, in my own defense, the next scene that shows Paul shows him sleeping in his chair with his notebook open on the couch and he is facing the direction where his television should be; I’m still holding out for my idea to come to fruition.

There’s some splashing in the pool outside his window and it wakes Cleveland up. There is a lot of torpidity in that body of water and it’s enough to have Cleve go and investigate with his flashlight.

The last remaining image is Paul from underneath the surface looking up and, even though that angle is quite slimming, we aren’t left to see what happens from here.

This is actually all quite interesting and it does just enough to pique my interest in what’s happening in this film.

Director: Eli Roth
Cast: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Barbara Nedeljakova
Release: January 6, 2006
Synopsis: HOSTEL tells the story of two American college buddies Paxton and Josh who backpack through Europe eager to make hazy travel memories with new friend Oli, an Icelander they’ve met along the way. Paxton, Josh, and Oli are eventually lured by a fellow traveler to what’s described as a nirvana for American backpackers ““ a particular hostel in an out-of-the-way Slovakian town stocked with Eastern European women as desperate as they are gorgeous. The two friends arrive and soon easily pair off with exotic beauties Natalya and Svetlana. In fact, too easily”¦

View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)

Prognosis: Positive. What is with Hollywood’s obsession with churning out horror movies as of late?

I don’t mean this is a bad thing but between flicks like HIGH TENSION and the SAW series (which has seen two movies appear like Irish twins) there is a delightfully healthy interest in a genre which had some real crap done to it thanks to the weak-ass SCREAM entries and nearly everything Ewe Boll put out.

This trailer, right here, screams out to the masses that this movie isn’t going to be put out by Dimension and their patsy “Let’s make some horror movies that can reach EVERY demographic” kind of attitude. This one is either for some people who like their horror really graphic or ones who want cameos with The Fonz in them.

We open up to what should be requisite set design for all horror movies, the dingy industrial complex that’s overrun by mold and rust, but it still works here; it just invokes the kind of despair and evilness that a movie like this needs to establish. Oh, and you need water. No matter that an abandoned place like this should’ve had their water shut off a long time ago because this is an abandoned industrial complex but there should be lots and lots of nasty looking water and that’s also what we get here.

“Where all your darkest”¦sickest fantasies”¦”

What usually bugs me, but what gets a pass here, are the graphics that scroll across the screen. When they manage to actually relate to the story, like they do here, it’s a helpful hint about what’s happening in the flick. The imagery here, though, really is nasty. You’ve got some dude who’s obviously being held against his will and, with the lettering that mentions that where you can indulge in your “sickest fantasies” I can only imagine what’s going to happen to him. The gnarly looking cutting tools, all rusted but completely original in design, amps up that whole “spooky” factor and lets you know someone’s about to get sliced, diced and filleted. The screaming pleas from said victim is a nice touch, too.

Special props go out to the trailer makers who use a real nice image: a wiggling toe underneath a decending bolt cutter; you hear the clip and then the scream. Awesome. Totally awesome.

We next get the Black and Decker toolset out with Dr. Death, in creppy looking apron and face mask, getting ready to apply a little wanton torture and sickness to whoever he’s walking toward. I don’t know his name, what his motivation is or what kind of place this is but when the words “Inspired by true events” pops up I am more engaged with the material.

Also, when we get the proclamation that this film is coming to us “From the brilliant minds who brought you CABIN FEVER, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and KILL BILL” I am finally at peace with people using this technique in a way that actually establishes some cred and doesn’t manage to give me three reasons why I WON’T see the film.

Director: Clark Johnson
Cast: Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Douglas, Kim Basinger, Eva Longoria
Release: April 21, 2006
Synopsis: Special Agent Pete Garrison is convinced that a Neo-Nazi Aryan Disciple has managed to infiltrate the White House. When a White House Agent is murdered, Garrison is framed and blackmailed over an affair with the First Lady Sarah Ballentine. He is relieved of his duties, but Garrison won’t stop in trying to prove his innocence, and save the life of the President. While attempting to uncover the person behind it all, he comes into confrontation with his protege, Agent Breckinridge.

Prognosis: Negative. Man, it has been a long time since I’ve seen a movie with Michael Douglas in it.

I think some of his disappearance might have something to do with his wicked face stapling surgery from this year which has left me of an image of a face dripping with bodily fluid and scraggly facial hair; I’m not one to ever seek these kind of pictures out but, geez, the lengths some people go to retain their vanity.

Anyway, this flick looks like crap and I’ll tell you why, First of all, I say this because if the by-the-numbers filmmaking that’s going on here. I know there are reasons why these kinds of movies exist but, really, there’s nothing compelling going on in there here trailer.

The voiceover guy here, sounds like none other than Mr. Don LaFontaine, really tries to notch up the action by speaking very throatily about what the Secret Service is all about. Yeah, they’re teh cool and so powerful and protect the president and they’re all about but when Douglas says into his wrist microphone, “He’s on the move” you can’t help but laugh a little bit.

Do they really keep dudes his age on the payroll as part of the ground team? I thought that was explained quite succinctly in the better looking film IN THE LINE OF FIRE but what the hell do I know? Maybe they like to put chum out into the veritable ocean of possible lines of attack against the president, although a movie where Michael Douglas goes down like an undeserving Jim Brady, payback for the shit that was THE IN-LAWS would be a good time. As it stands, though, this movie is probably going to be playing it straight.

You get the montage of DC, the Capital Building, White House and then a cheesy looking computer nerve center of enforcement activity. We get it, though, that trying to penetrate the White House is harder than getting into Lindsay Lohan’s pants, okay, that would be easy, my bad, but you get the point.

What the point of this movie is, though, is that Michael Douglas has to look for a mole within the Secret Service and Keifer Sutherland, looking fresh and original in a premise that has him as a law enforcement representative, having to look after the president while looking for someone who could kill the world! Yeah, it’s really a stretch.

So, geezer gets accused of being the mole. He gets taken into custody and then breaks free like a wild animal. The chase is on.

When you watch this trailer the reason why you think you’ve seen this before is that you have. Before it had a sequel it was called THE FUGITIVE; guy gets pinched for doing something he really didn’t, you have people chasing him but you have one kindred spirit hoping to clear his name. That person in this movie is Eva Longoria, the reason why, superficially speaking, network television was created. I think her range goes from ONE LIFE TO LIVE to GUIDING LIGHT.

It’s about here when Keifer, playing the Tommy Lee Jones role, barks out to the people who are going to be hot on Michael’s tail that they are chasing their, “worst nightmare.” Please. You’re kidding? Michael Douglas is the Secret Service’s worst nightmare? Whatever, I guess if that’s how they want to roll…

Director: Nicholaus Goossen
Cast: Allen Covert, Peter Dante, Jonathan Loughran, Nick Swardson, Joel David Moore, Doris Roberts
Release: January 6, 2006
Synopsis: By day, 35-year-old Alex (Covert) is the world’s oldest video game tester, but by night. By night, he is privately developing the next big game for the X-Box generation. When one of his roommates(Loughran) spends all the rent money on Taiwanese hookers, Alex is kicked out of his apartment, and finds himself forced to live with his grandmother (Roberts) and her friends Grace (Jones) and Bea (Knight).

Prognosis: Negative. Even I can’t, in good conscience, recommend this film.

I understand that Adam Sandler’s world is appealing to a certain segment of the male population but I can’t see how a movie with as sinister of a premise as this has is going to appeal to anyone beyond that core. I think it may be just this fact which will make it the Second Coming to many nerds out there.

The real secret to this movie’s success, then, depends on getting that core to come out of their basements and see this movie. How then do you start a trailer that needs to do just that? How about piping in the sound of someone taking a hit off a bong? Good one. How about showing some dudes playing X-Box? Checkola. Ooo! How about sticking in a chimpanzee for good measure? Dude, you’re all over this marketing campaign.

I take it this movie is about some guys who like to play video games. It is, at the very least, consistently juvenile across the board. What’s really weird, though, is the lengths this trailer shows how odd these older guys really are. You’ve got one guy who wears pajamas that are all one piece (remember the ones with the booties and that zippered down front?) and sleeps in a car shaped bed, you’ve got the token “wasted” guy who will probably do nothing all movie but try to play up how cool and funny it is to have a friend who is baked all the time and you’ve got another friend who’s into hookers (I don’t know what I can say to that) but then, in all this weirdness, you’ve got the one relative “normal” guy who is like the Tommy of pinballing except he can hear and it’s video games, not flippers and tilts. Oddly, didn’t we all see this movie with Fred Savage in THE WIZARD? I guess there seems to be confidence in capitalizing on the life that still beats in the electronic gaming segment that still goes and sees films.

And, what’s more, is that he gets evicted from his pad and has to shack up with the Golden Girls; crazy concept, I know, and that’s what makes this film so very very original. And, like a crazed white cracker on crystal meth trying to outrun the po-po’s from last week’s Cops episode, they run with this gag as far as they can get. Our “normal” guy lets all of his other buddies know that he’s shacked up with a bunch of ladies who have really worked him over with all of his coworkers thinking that he’s now involved with a pack of college aged co-eds who we all know think of nothing but sex. This bubble is burst when the old ladies pay our friend a visit at the office and the ruse is revealed. Instead of disgust, our friends herald our Don Juan with praise.

Things just follow this absurd path as our protagonist starts to include these senior citizens in his nighttime activities. At one point the old bat from Everyone Loves A Crap Sitcom, after she drinks or eats some beverage that’s been spiked with something, that she can hear her hair growing. The laughs explode left and right, people, so do wear your protective clothing.

I usually find these kinds of comedies entertaining as they do fill a need in my mind for humor that’s not really challenging and doesn’t make me work for a laugh but I just can’t see myself even thinking of paying full price for a movie like this. I’m not really filled with vitriol over this movie’s existence but I would sooner see anything else playing at the theaters than having to watch Doris Roberts play the same character she’s made Emmy-licious for the past decade.

Director: Corey Yuen
Cast: Devon Aoki, Jamie Pressley, Derek Boyer, Sarah Carter, Collin Chou, Steve Howey
Release: August 25, 2006
Synopsis: The movie adaptation of the best selling video game series Dead or Alive.

Prognosis: (Hangs head low in shame)…Yeah…I like this one… Alright, to prove I am not all about teh art, this is one that I recommend to the all the people who make the Internet run: 14 year olds.

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t state that I have tried to get into My Name Is Earl but just can’t get myself over the one-trick angle of Jason Lee having to set his karma straight by following his list. Who knows, though, maybe the character of Crab Man will grow on me a little more and maybe I’ll find a way to look through Jamie Pressley’s backward ass character but, as it is, I’ll just keep TiVoing it until I see what everyone else seems to be finding. I think, though, for my dollars, it doesn’t get any more exploitative than this. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, as any educated person should surmise, that if women are willing to be exploited for money then as long as their check clears the bank there isn’t any problem. The organization NOW may want to contend with the previous statement but any hot blooded American male should think that hot chicks with good sized juggs fightin’ with samurai swords and traipsing around in their undergoods is a good thing.

The opening, I admit, got me completely off guard. I was wondering why an opening shot of four good looking ladies talking about dudes was came from a movie entitled D.O.A. but when you stick with it just long enough you see that we’re not talking about some ladies in a bar or restaurant but ladies wielding swords and are talking about the horde of black uniformed baddies running up some stone stairs, possibly because they’re looking to break themselves off a piece but, possibly, to kill them. Either way, the conceit is cheeky and, hopefully, to the delight of most every straight dude in attendance, way hawt. I also commend the trailer makers for constructing the opening with music that’s indicative of shows like Sex and the City. It completely doesn’t let on that this is going to go the way it is.

Now, once we reveal that these are women who are about to get wicked with their weaponry, the music changes, this time music that’s indicative of some slutty strip joint, not that I would know, but it’s a great transition. The camera flashes fast between images but there’s a nice pacing between the advancing bad guys and the nice ladies. Again, hotness is the name of the game here so you get your sex and violence in equal parts here, children.

“They have looks that kill”¦”

Yes, it’s all groan worthy. All of it. From the shots of them in their bikinis, to the requisite, “Oh, I’ve broken a nail” comment to imply that their sultriness is their weapon while mixing in their unreal ability to go one-on-one with men who are trained in the martial arts as well but didn’t think to look as good on the battlefield as they do in the dining room it all makes you feel kind of dirty from watching it; although, you just can’t help but get pulled in by its absurdity.

The angles chosen to really showcase each one of these ladies’ abilities stray from the norm and I think that’s why it deserves some props for making a trailer that’s just fun to watch. The moves are indicative of the films that I miss from the 80’s, flicks like BLOODSPORT, AMERICAN NINJA and most everything with Steven Segal. It’s been a while since you’ve had films all about exploitation and wanton destruction. You’ve got hard rock music playing behind quicker than shit clips of these women getting wild with bo staffs, swords and other kinds of weapons. They are leaping and bounding all over the place with their legs and arms flailing around the screen. They, of course, like to play sand volleyball and catching some rays before traipsing around ancient oriental temples, killing people.

I am especially a fan of the unreal moment in this trailer where one of our women, topless and fresh from the shower, takes on a dude in hand-to-hand combat. She, ahem, tosses her bra in the air, does a little more ass kicking, slides it over her shoulders and makes the dude she’s fighting with clasp it before she finishes him off.

Director: Scott Coffey
Cast: Naomi Watts, David Baer, Chevy Chase, Robbi Chong
Release: November 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: ELLIE PARKER races around town from one audition to another, changing make-up, clothes and personality as she speeds along, barely attending to her whirlwind life as she strives to get cast in a movie. As Ellie considers giving up after losing faith in the craft, her manager DENNIS doesn’t exactly talk her out of it. One last insane audition for Ellie, and she’s back in the game? or is she?

Prognosis: Negative. I think there’s some cruel irony behind the litany of movies that focus on the young Hollywood hopefuls and their struggle to get noticed when they’re played by actors and actresses who are already, themselves, discovered.

This movie, I thought, would at least offer up some new reason why Naomi Watts could break through the old and tired setups of a young lady with gumption who just wants that one part to help her break through. What you’ve got here, though, doesn’t feel very real in the sense that since you’re trying to convey a sense of verisimilitude with the digital lens this thing was shot through you want something that people can connect with on the screen.

There isn’t any of that here.

The opening of the trailer is good, it’s solid. Watts is going through a series of vocal exercises, falling short of the Damon/Affleck vocalizations in JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK which were grandiosely goofy and gregarious, and I’m in. I’m right there with her. And then the crap music starts up; it seems purchased from a song bank which deals in nondescript, bland tunes which almost border on distracting. Great job there, people. Then we get our cards in-between the scenes. Usually I don’t care about these things but this, again, seems like it was subcontracted to an Apple store in Alhambra, California with the theme of the workshop being: How to insert graphics into your own home movies using nothing more than your Mac, camera and Firewire.

So, everyone speaks Ellie Parker’s name just so you at home who are as blind as Ray Charles or as stupid as a box of Kleenex and couldn’t read the previous card telling you that Watts’ character is named Ellie Parker. Thanks for that.

We are then treated to Ellie’s hysterics in the audition room. Of course she’s obnoxious and we can all see why she’s Hollywood’s most “UN”employed actress which is just an awesome joke, by the way, but I don’t see why I should like her. She seems emotionally high strung and deluded. I do like that we have an extended scene where she and her girlfriend have a contest to see who can cry first as that just solidifies my impression that I would have no use of this woman in my life if I were ever to meet her. In fact, if I had to draw a parallel to her I would have to peg Watts’ character to that of Beth Beth Stolarczyk of MTV’s Real World 15 minute fame.

It’s almost tragic to watch because the reality is that this crazy chick, and she is nuts as you watch the scenes between the more interesting bits, which consist of a frontal look of Naomi changing her pants in the car and you get a flash of some black underwear. And please. How many trailers has Watts been in where she flashes her undergoods? This makes two now.

Things really take a spin in the other direction when said pants changing ends up in a collision where she hooks up with a dude who likes to wear a feather boa around the house without a shirt. Yeah, classy. She’s a slut in this movie too as she’s hooks up with a couple of dudes along the way, one of which states after some coitus with Watts, that he’s certain he’s gay because he was thinking about Johnny Depp whilst in the throes of passion with her. Oh, and Chevy “The SNL Cast Member No One Seems To Like” Chase pops up as Watts’ agent, father, some patriarchal figure in her life but he almost seems inserted as an afterthought.

I don’t have any clue where to stick this movie but if I had one place where I would have to say in a container marked “Recyclables Only.”

Director: Danny Cannon
Cast: Kuno Becker, Alessandro Nivola, Marcel Iures Stephen Dillane, Anna Friel, Kieran O’Brien
Release: I have no idea but it just got released in Egypt last week if you want to go and catch it.
Synopsis: Like millions of kids around the world, Santiago harbors the dream of being a professional footballer. However, living in the Barrios section of Los Angeles, he thinks it is only that–a dream. Until, one day an extraordinary turn of events has him trying out for Premiership club Newcastle United.

Prognosis: Positive. My first foray off the continental shores landed me in Ireland.

It was during the World Cup of 2002 and since the Irish had placed well enough to be entered in competition the whole country was obsessed, really obsessed, with celebrating every game and every player. Radio was taken over with updates, there was a scandal involving one of their players that was treated with front page hysteria, radio played songs written exclusively for the event and it was during this time when I learned what bunting was; people dressed their homes in green, white and orange as if it was Christmas. It was insanity but I got caught up in it. Even bought a Playstation game to continue the action. I think that’s why I have to admit that I like the look of this contrived, clichéd, overwrought, movie.

But this movie is doomed here in the States and I will tell you why: 1) Who the hell here cares about soccer? Not many people. 2) How well has soccer broadened its audience since it really made a push a decade ago?

Yeah, it’s going to be an uphill struggle.

But, the trailer here opens well enough to be entertaining to me. You’ve got our protagonist Santiago who’s your prototypical dreamer character: always wishing for more than he has. This is evident in his El Rocketeer, Horatio Algier, type approach to his one job as a leaf blower-er and his other job working at a Chinese restaurant where, I swear, has Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA working as the head manager.

It’s here that things take a really sappy turn to the left when we see our man using CARDBOARD for shin guards. I think before that moment we would’ve believed his gumption but it’s just ridiculous. The cheesy voiceover, almost Velveeta-like, doesn’t the movie any favors but I’m still on-board.

Of course, here we get the man who presents an opportunity. The opportunity, of course, means leaving everything behind at his old life, although how could you ever leave Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA behind, yo?

So, he does, and goes to try out for this big soccer team. One of the largest. Only, and this is the way all sports movies go, our young hopeful doesn’t look he can match up against the professionals he’s trying to emulate. The rainstorm tryout, along with the muddy ground and subsequent face plant in said mud, all engender feelings of pity for this kid.

No matter, though, as our young hero is given his one last shot at being on the team, makes it, and then we see him walking onto the field for the first time. You hear his dad shout out ownership of the boy like the yentas from COOL RUNNINGS who were tending bar whilst the Jamaican bobsled team was competing. You see a lot of action shots of our man stepping up to the responsibilities of playing the game. I know, I know, I know, you’re rolling your eyes at this. Hell, I was too but I’ve never seen a soccer movie that I’ve ever wanted to see but this looks like a feel-good story that’ll end up just the way I think it will. Is that a bad thing? Yeah, depending on what kind of movie you’re trying to make but, in the case of this, a completely implausible flick shouldn’t be immediately discarded; I mean, c’mon, Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is in this.

Director: Peyton Reed
Cast: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Justin Long, Vincent D’Onofrio, Cole Hauser, John Michael
Release: February 17, 2006
Synopsis: After buing a condo together, a couple (Aniston, Vaughn) run into problems paying the mortgage, which ultimately leads to them deciding that they should break up. Because of their situation, they realize that they’re going to have to keep living together under the same roof until then.

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know if anyone involved with this movie can read this but since I didn’t find ANY production photos on the Internets regarding this movie yet they found it suitable to release a full trailer AND because I didn’t feel like shagging ass to find SOME picture regarding this movie I give you Jennifer Aniston’s ass in its place. I apologize for any perverted, yet oh so delicioulsy neccessary, inconvenience this has caused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn, are they?, aren’t they?, Brad Pitt, blah blah blah; this flick’s got Ralphie in it, dammit!

The OG, the main man, the Toucan Sam, THE effin’ DIRT BIKE KID is in this movie and I think that’s the best part of any advertising campaign that hopes to get people to come out and see this movie. Of course, that’s my opinion but it is a well-reasoned one after all. I mean, you’re going to get 24 hours of pure exposure, to say nothing of the people like me who play that CHRISTMAS STORY disc even before the marathon comes, of Billingsley and if you’re an ad exec you’ve got to somehow, someway, find some way to advertise the fact that Ralphie is in this latest addition to the Aniston Watch compendium.

Again, that’s just me, but since I couldn’t really care less if Aniston is doing “ok” since her divorce I say go for Peter all the way. Since this first incarnation of filmic advertising was done before my world exclusive idea of how best to market this movie I guess I have to see what we’re dealing with here.

First and foremost, one of the better endings in PG movie history to come out between 1985 and 1990 is the final piano suite of Chopsticks when BIG comes to a close; you’ve got a cavity-inducing ending that’s sweeter than an apple pie left to cool on a window ledge and it was a nice way to tie together the picture together as a whole. Here, though, the same sweet melody feels appropriate when juxtaposed against Vince Vaughn’s smirky face (Why does he always look like he was just woken from a nap five minutes before the scene was shot?) and equally biting comments to, der, his ex-wife. The exchange looks uncomfortable and the capitulation of everyone on the couples bowling team when asked by Vince of whether he should be the one to leave the bowling alley, permanently. It’s evident that this is going to real popular with the ladies as they’re the ones who force the vote against Vince, I bet all the ladies will be laughing with the kind of knowing that they could see themselves forcing their P-whipped men to go along with them, present company included, and it’s here that Ralphie, our golden child, gets his full frontal shot on the screen.

We switch songs, themes, getting a pretty stale Social Distortion “Ball and Chain” inserted against Jennifer ostentatiously tossing Vince’s stuff around the home that the two of them share. Jon Favreau and, who would’ve thought he was going to be a part of one of the best things to come and go on television, Jason Bateman look on and we get a little more of Vince, again, looking like he was rousted by a fire alarm in the middle of the night, nursing a bad injury which comes inflicted by comedic heavyweight John Michael Higgins.

“There’s a really big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat…before you know you’re even in a fight.”

The above comment was wonderfully illustrated in the actual fight sequence in question and I have to admit it made me wee a little. Higgins needs to be in more movies, really. The man knows how to play a scene.

And the dovetail to this all? Ralphie asks for the bowling shirt back from the initial sequence to this trailer and, again, comedy gold erupts from the ground when Billingsly explains the reasons why.

This is a well-executed trailer.

Director: Bryan Singer
Cast: Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, James Marsden, Hugh Laurie, Kal Penn, Eva Saint Marie
Release: June 30, 2006
Synopsis: In this semi-sequel to the first two “Superman” films, the classic hero returns to Earth after having been missing for six long years. What he finds astounds him – the world he knew has changed for the worse. In his absence, the forces of evil have regrouped like never before. Even Lex Luthor, once an outcast, has risen to the heights of power in Metropolis. And when an old enemy from Krypton reappears, Superman must fight his neverending battle like never before, amidst a world that has forgotten what it’s like to have a hero.

Prognosis: Positive. I didn’t see any of the footage of the newest Superman movie at Comi-Con.

I heard it was really good; that Bryan Singer looked wiped out from being in the middle of production, being gracious enough to pay the geek squad a visit; and that what many saw gave them hope that Jon Cryer’s Spandau Ballet haircut didn’t permanently cripple a once great franchise. Did it ever get any better, really, than Terrence Stamp’s Zod? I think not.

What’s been done, here, though, has given me hope that what’s about to come to theaters next year could be an affirming moment in believing that as long as you have filmmakers on a project that want to tell a great story and want to treat the material with reverence without focusing on which fast food chain will claim the licensing rights to offer the Clark Kent “protein” shake, which I’ve heard consists of warm yogurt and an ounce of a secret identity ingredient, then you’ve got the power to resurrect the dead.

What I really like about this teaser trailer is that it really does what it should: excite, tantalize and amaze.

I remember the big hubbub about GODZILLA years ago was that the reptilian beast wasn’t going to be shown at all in any of the trailers. I remember that I was annoyed at this strategy. At that point in my life I was just a measly fan but I felt like I was on the outside, looking in at the film. The disaster that was GODZILLA at the box office proved that you can’t sit on things like this and this teaser doesn’t.

The tease starts out more like a annoying flirtation with that a third (!) of the length of this thing is just showing off who is responsible for resurrecting this property but that’s easily forgotten as Marlon Brando’s voiceover starts the theme of this movie: that Kal-El, even though he is going to be raised as human, not one of them. Those erudite enough to have read it Marlon’s sentiment echoes the crux of what Beowulf was all about and it’s perfectly apt here.

The money shot, one of many, starts right in with Clark falling through the roof of a rickety old barn. The way his body stops before he hits the ground, his arm covering his eyes, gives you a moment to linger.

And this is when the brass section of John Williams’ kicks in and you get a wonderfully composed shot of the early morning in rural Kansas. And that’s one thing you see a lot in this trailer: wonderfully composed shots. Singer’s eye knows how to frame a shot and nowhere is that more evident than in the shots of young Clark leaping through a cornfield and where dozens of people are staring up at the sky on a city street. The latter image lingers because of the way they’re placed. It’s done on purpose and it’s effective because it creates a sense of awe.

I think I do like seeing Supes walking stridently across a rooftop, on his way to connect with Lois, but I don’t think the actual presence of Superman’s being is better shown than when he’s pictured high above the land at night. He’s there, I can’t guess why he has his eyes closed but I guess it “looks cool,” but as he rockets back to Earth, that final crack of the sound barrier being broken is the best way possible to end this thing.

I cannot even guess what’s in store for audiences come next summer.

Director: Darren Aronofsky
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Ellen Burstyn, Sean Gullette
Release: TBA (What a shocker.)
Synopsis: The Fountain is an odyssey about one man’s thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. As a 16th century Conquistador, a modern-day scientist, and a 26th century astronaut, he searches for the secret to eternal life.

Prognosis: My Lord still holds true… I can’t say, like other, higher level, Internets writers, that I’ve visited the set of THE FOUNTAIN; my invitation obviously got lost in the e-mail. I can’t claim to have had wonderful, introspective chats with Darren Aronofsky as he’s editing the movie, either. I can only lay claim to have been in the room with other Internets writers as we all vied for his fatherly attention at the Comic-Con. The simple fact is, I’m jealous of all those other people who have had close contact with the man over this movie because there is no way you could be gestating this kind of movie, for as long as he has, without getting some great insight into what he’s been doing with this movie; I haven’t seen any of that with the other people he’s talked to but maybe I’ll get the chance before all is said and done. If this trailer is any indication of what Herr Aronofsky has been doing for the past few centuries I am officially on the PR bandwagon.

Not knowing what to expect from this movie, just roughly having an idea of what it’s about, I heard that the footage that was screened at the Con this year was confusing; it didn’t give people a solid grasp on things. The trailer here opens with basics. That’s what’s, initially, so good about this.

“1 MAN”

Okay, what this trailer needs you to do is think and process things a little. Yes, the gasps can be heard all the way back to the cheap seats of the 10:30 pm showing of VENOM but it’s fairly intuitive that what when this graphic comes up the one man in question is Hugh Jackman. I’m not going to break too bad on the lettering but, even in the post-modern sense, it’s not really demonstrative in the way that the teaser poster is. It’s pretty much a New Times Roman font and while it doesn’t necessarily take away from the really, really engaging visuals it is fairly disappointing.

That said, the first few clips of Hugh are really insatiable. In the first clip, with his haggard old school beard, the second, his coif perfectly intact but looking equal parts despondent and angry, and the last, and most curious, Bald Hugh with golden twinkling somethings dripping behind him.

You get no words here but that’s fine.

“1 LOVE”

Rachel Weisz. You get her in all sorts of good-looking-ness. It should be enough to state that her part here is obviously to be Hugh’s love interest but even without seeing them together you just feel the attraction between the two of them. It pulsates through the screen.

“1 QUEST”

Hugh is on the move in all three scenes, I particularly like Monkey Hugh as he climbs a very bright, Waiting For Godot type tree. I haven’t a clue what any of these things mean but rather than being bothersome it’s evokes interest in me.

“1000 YEARS”

I love this bit of the trailer. The beats of the tribal drum, kind of reminds me of The Drummers of Burundi, a wicked African troupe, mixed in with old Hugh as he races on his old horse towards a bright city and, as the camera twists angles in a smooth circular motion, modern Hugh racing towards a city in his car is just compelling to look at. There is a real sense of immediacy which, if you’re in tune with it, you just feel something’s wrong.

The ending, where future Hugh gets stripped of his clothing in a blinding white light, and where he walks slowly though shallow water towards a spindly, leafless tree, evokes the most questions but I think it’s fairly obvious of what all this is supposed to mean. It’s almost enough to make one go mad that this movie isn’t here yet.

I do hope the movie is as good as this trailer. From what I see here the wait between pictures from Darren may well be worth all the centuries I’ve had to wait.

And I think, as I’ve meditated on the imagery, what little there is to soak in, is that there really seems to be something that’s really evoked in the presentation here.

More than it just being another Aronofsky movie there is a feeling of three, different stories that are going to be told across a wide timeline. Sure, we know that this movie deals with the same guy, same woman, there’s the promise of the kind of movie that is at once traditional yet completely different.

My feeling is that the trick here is not just the successful completion of one movie but of the successful envisioning of all three stories. You’ve got to remember that you, ultimately, in basic storytelling, want to work up to a point where everything that comes after is just resolution. Darren has to take all three threads and make them peak in a complimentary way while also taking care to resolve them all so that the end makes you feel that while there are three stories there is only room for one ending.

It’s a daunting task, and writers who have had to live with one story for a long time can attest to this, but one that is also fraught with the danger that you’re constantly trying to remember what made the story so good when you first began.

Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig, Geoffrey Rush, Mathieu Kassovitz, Hanns Zischler, Ciar án Hinds
Release: December 23, 2005
Synopsis: MUNICH recounts the dramatic story of the secret Israeli squad assigned to track down and assassinate 11 Palestinians believed to have planned the 1972 Munich massacre — and the personal toll this mission of revenge takes on the team and the man who led it. Eric Bana stars as the Mossad agent charged with leading the band of specialists brought together for this operation. Inspired by actual events, the narrative is based on a number of sources, including the recollections of some who participated in the events themselves.

Prognosis: Border line positive. I think this is a weak way to open the movie.

One of the things which I took away from watching ONE DAY IN SEPTEMBER, a beautifully shot documentary about the real events which transpired in Germany, was a real sense of understanding. Up until the documentary came out I was only casually knowledgeable of the terrorist action which took the lives of a select few athletes, chosen soley because of their nationality, and why these things happened.

To be sure, growing up, I don’t think I was really taught the real reasons these kinds of events happened in the world, systematic tit for tat, xenophobia masking the war between peoples who true aim is the extermination of the other, but I think ONE DAY distilled all these things in a way that was informative, poignant and riveting.

So why on God’s green earth was this movie necessary? Is it too much to have Hollywood leave their grubby hands off of properties like this, I am also referring to the uncontrollable urges by one studio to spooge all over the already-perfect DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS, or historical testaments to the actual human condition which was represented just fine, thank you very much, in documentary form? No, it’s not too much at all.

I think that’s why I was a little torqued by the lazy construction of the trailer for this movie by setting things up with actual file footage. I get it, though, about why you’d want to do this, though. It adds immediacy to the movie, gives it a little movie-of-the-week, torn from the headlines, feel. People love that “Based on a True Story” jazz and it’s being played just as coolly, man.

The first hint of Speilberg’s flick comes in as some unnamed woman, an older woman of obvious and deep philosophical leanings as she quizzically states that every civilization feels the need to negotiate its own compromises”¦blah blah blah. I tell you what, the moment is drenched in falsity and I don’t believe the old bird for a moment.

And this is when Eric Banna comes in and I start to listen. Even though, for a first run through the trailer, you’re wondering exactly what side Banna is on, he’s some sort of assassin who’s gonna take out some of the instrumental planners of the Munich kidnapping, but the whole beginning of this trailer is about the moment when it happens, the kidnapping. Does Banna’s story happen after the kidnapping, during the kidnapping, before it’s supposed to take place? I shouldn’t be confused about these things as a viewer and I am shocked this trailer is bumpier than a Thai hooker with a”¦nevermind.

Adding to this mess is the inclusion of three other dudes who are there to, and I am not kidding, help Banna kill the bad dudes because these three other guys possess skillz Eric doesn’t have. You’ve got the crafty driver, the demolitions man, etc”¦ In case you want to visualize this I would have to say this is MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE meets Dateline NBC.

Now, there are some sweet explosions happening and the story looks pretty damn riveting if I just knew what the angle was. I think as we go along in this trailer I am just getting more and more lost with where my sympathies are allied. Is this movie trying to show one Jewish man’s quest to right the wrong like a latter day Hebrew Hammer, a Palestinian turncoat who is trying to right the wrongs in a Shaft kind of way? I dunno and as I try to figure this out as I watch this I can’t really be sure.

What I do know, though, is that Spielberg has a deadline steadily approaching, quickly approaching, and he may have to think quickly about what details need to be left in, what needs to be jettisioned, in order to create a movie that honors those involved at Munich and one that can resonate just as loudly as the documentary which this movie has to live up to.

Director: Peter Jackson
Cast: Naomi Watts, Jack Black, Adrien Brody, Andy Serkis, Colin Hanks, Thomas Kretschmann, Kyle Chandler
Release: December 13, 2005
Synopsis: A remake of the 1933 classic in which an expedition exploring a remote island capture a gigantic ape and bring it back to New York for exhibition. A beautiful actress who accompanies them is menaced when the monster’s love for her causes him to break out.

Prognosis: Negative. I like this one so nice I had to review it twice. Now, I’m not as cum in my pants complimentary as some people have been when this trailer hit “KONG! CLICK HERE!”, “oMfg! This is teh haxxors!”, “THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE ON THE INTERNETS FOR!” but I will point some things out that were first evident in the teaser trailer.

I do want to state that I did like the first teaser trailer that was released. I did, and still do, have issues with the soundstage look of the opening sequence. I didn’t believe that Jack Black, Naomi Watts, and that guy from the Coke commercials, what’s his name, Brody, were at all getting on that ship. I had issues of Watts’ captivity when she is splayed out in a position that was reminiscent of INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM when Willie is about to get roasted and I did take umbrage with the dinosaur sequence because it looked ripped from JURASSIC PARK.

These things said, though, I have to admit and be honest when I say that this trailer makes me feel all sorts of tingly.

The opening is pretty sweet looking. New York City, demolished by Kong’s rampaging, Naomi looking 18 kinds of hawt in that shimmering white dress and the moment these two creatures have with one another is quite believable. Jack Black’s ham-fisted voiceover is a little distracting but it really is about what’s happening here. There’s a connection and you can sense that. However, there is snow on the ground and Watts isn’t showing any indication that the turkey’s done; I’m calling shenanigans on that one.

The moments that follow just reiterate my earlier issues with the soundstage quality of the moment. Is it supposed to look like these people are all boarding a big ship that’s landlocked in the soundstage that’s right off the 405 in Hollywood? Because it does. Ignoring that, though, the approach to the “spooky” island which inhabits our primordial ancestor is quite good. There is some real LORD OF THE RINGS type infusion into making this mythical land actually seem hospitable and real.

I do, though, wish they would have had someone else fill in for the part of stoic-voice-which-is-supposed-to-draw-you-in besides Jack Black. It may be just me but his style just evokes this anticipation that he’s just going to cut loose into a Tenacious D ditty that I can’t quite believe his schtick.

The group of misfits who want to use this island as their movie location are taken hostage by a band of mud people who seem better suited to be playing parts in a new Cirque de Soliel production than they are scary natives who are protectors of the titular beast. It’s rather campy and while it’s supposed to be played straight there is just no way I could help but laugh a little as everyone seems to be freaked out by these humanoid aberrations.

Now, this gets good with the introduction of Kong. Kong is the centerpiece and when Watts finds herself wandering, wet and all out of sorts in the Savage Land that is this island I enjoy it when the music stops for a mo’ and we’re entertained with an extended moment with a T-Rex and Kong standing face-to-face. No doubt there will be some dweeb, geek, or dweeby geek who will actually start postulating the reasons why a T-Rex would have no problem with eating through a simian of Kong’s magnitude. What is important here, though, is that it’s a fascinating image to just let sit there for a moment. Note bene: When Kong thumps on his chest, right before he engages the “˜Rex, listen real close to the sound; I swear that it is the sound of two toilet plungers.

After this we’re treated to a real Land of the Lost, resplendent with larger than life mutant bugs, more dinosaurs (raptors included, natch) and a whole host of bright, manufactured jungle scenes.

If there was one really sweet moment, eye-candy wise, I would have to peg it at the moment when Kong, after storming through the streets of New York in a drunken rage, makes his way to the Empire State Building and then proceeds to knock the crap out of a machine gun blazing biplane. When he knocks that wing off with his one hand after a great vertical leap you can’t help but feel this might actually be a really good film.

All nitpicking aside I will definitely make this one to see this December.

Director: Gil Kenan
Cast: Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Matthew Fahey, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee, Catherine O’Hara, Kathleen Turner, Fred Willard
Release: July 21, 2006
Synopsis: Three teens discover that their neighbor’s house is really a living, breathing, scary monster.

Prognosis: Negative. I really didn’t like CHICKEN LITTLE.

I REALLY didn’t like CHICKEN LITTLE.

So what, a studio exec might say to this, because of the money it drew in but it was a crapily constructed, poorly executed, awfully told story which was confusing, incoherent and jumped from more storylines than your average Quentin Tarantino vehicle. Does Disney need Pixar? Yes, and it’s for the simple reason that I hope MONSTER HOUSE does a lot better than its poultry populated predecessor.

I think that what I like about this trailer is that this movie seems to only have one story to tell. Also, you have humans being the stars of this CGI adventure and you haven’t really seen that for films like this.

The opening is interesting when you understand that this comes to you executively produced by Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg. It just has “that” kind of tinge to it with the fall landscape blowing the almost bare trees clean. It evokes that kind of childhood enjoyment that fall brings.

The premise of the parents leaving for an extended period of time, having a hapless babysitter be in charge of things and a kid who seems genuinely dejected from life even before he sprouts pubes is just standard issue fare. The good stuff, though, comes when night falls.

Cheezy voiceover aside, and it is needlessly creepy, the standout here is the plot uses the premise of the strange house that every neighborhood seemed to have. The kids here skulking up to the darkened porch to ding-dong ditch, a pastime which I remember fondly, only to have the house come to life is interesting. The graphics may not be Pixar great but in a time when CARS, Pixar’s next flick, doesn’t blow up my skirt anything special, I am pleased with the vibe.

The kids might really be into this one because as soon as the house is established as the thing that is possessed and evil, everything else just pops and crackles with speed. The kids of this movie quickly establish themselves and even the speed with which the camera moves from one moment to another should be pleasantly accepted by our ADD addled youths watching this.

Also piquing my interest is the extended moment with the children who are going to be combating this monster house at the end of this trailer. Some po-po’s roll up to these kids, our girl of the group explaining that they have reason to believe the house inhabits a dangerous creature. I fully expect this to be a non-moment as the cops laugh at them and are about to drive off but, bickety-bam, the doors open, a rug juts out of the house, wraps around the squad car and quickly snaps the car whole into its lair before closing just as quick. The spinning hubcap is a nice touch.

Fan boy note: I should also mention that writing credits are going to Rob Schrab. Those who enjoyed fringe comic books in the early 90’s should know that name as the man who created Scud: The Disposable Assassin, one of THE best comic books in a time when foil-stamped, glossy variant covers for shit books was the norm.

Director: James Wong
Cast: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ryan Merriman
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: The third film follows high school student Wendy Christensen who fails to stop the fated roller coaster ride that she predicted would cause the deaths of several of her friends. She teams with schoolmate Kevin Fischer in a race against time to prevent death from revisiting the survivors of the accident.

Prognosis: I’d buy it for a dollar. My uncle died on American Airlines Flight 191 which crashed on May 25, 1979 in a field just beyond O’Hare. Short of 9/11 it is still one of the worst crashes to date. Recently, anyone who knows me today knows that I am terrified to fly. I don’t like it. I don’t know why I can’t handle it after 30 years of successful, thoughtless flights, but I can’t shake the feeling that every time I cross the threshold of an airliner that, upon takeoff, my bird will disintegrate in a wall of orange flame. Shows like Lost or even innocuous pieces of advertising only remind me of this.

That said, this is a great trailer. It really evokes, out of the gate, the very thing I’m terrified of. I wonder had I not been suffering with this recent affliction if the intro here of a plane being torn to shit would hit me the same way. I don’t think it would. Really, though, what I’m really impressed with is the fact that this trailer knows what it is and doesn’t presuppose anything else. That’s really nice to see in an age when you could see three different trailers on different networks and each one of them play to a different segment of the audience.

My own predilection for teensplotation flicks aside, I’m still having to defend to my family why I like BRING IT ON so much as a testament to this genre, I really do appreciate the angle this trailer is coming in at. Where once I would chastise a trailer for being lazy by just using snippets from older films in the series I gladly proclaim that this trick is executed in the proper manner.

The biggest point in this advertisement is that it wants to tell you, quickly, what the other two movies in this series were all about. Now, I haven’t seen a one of them as I think these flicks represent nothing more than a slam-bam-thank you ma’am one two cock punch to America’s youth who want to see filmic representations of themselves on the screen. That’s fine with me because I’m not judgmental, the world needs ditch diggers, and I like that we open this puppy with a dangerous plane ride where, I assume, some of our young, nubile protagonists escape certain death. Ooo”¦spooky! There is no voiceover, no crazy music in the background and I do have to commend the trailer makers for utilizing a nice scroll on the words that are chosen to communicate only the barest essentials about this movie. I’m genuinely affected by the sight of a plane jutting down to the ground.

I am a big fan of the lumber falling off the truck for part 2’s introduction. That whole set piece, resplendent with the wet asphalt look even though the skies are blue (Can anyone write in and explain to me why this is done? Why are streets always wet even in the best of weather? Hmm”¦I feel like Mr. Owl in those Tootsie Pop commercials), is good at explaining that, well, there is stuff that is out to get them.

Part 3’s premise? That a roller coaster is coming unhinged and is out to get them. I also loves me my roller coasters when I am able to head on over to Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois and I know that I am always thinking about coming off the rails whenever I am about to go over that first, steep hill as the clicka-clicka-clicka stops. Now, like I said, I am not really familiar with the series so I can’t say for sure but, one by one, people are eating it like crazy. Some chick gets Kentucky Fried Chicken-ed on a tanning bed as some water spills on the coils, some more killer moments come to us courtesy of some dope having wooden stakes, many of them, dumped on their heads, some bottle rockets go haywire (Please, hasn’t this happened to anyone when a pack of dozen or so Whistling Wizards get into the wrong hands of someone who has had too much to drink) and other creative contrivances.

Look, the film looks like oatmeal, no question about it. It looks awfully awful and I would never even consider renting this thing on home video but, for the audience this trailer is intended to reach, it does a wonderful job so I must give it some begrudging recognition.

Director: Darren Aronofsky
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Ellen Burstyn, Sean Gullette
Release: TBA (What a shocker.)
Synopsis: The Fountain is an odyssey about one man’s thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. As a 16th century Conquistador, a modern-day scientist, and a 26th century astronaut, he searches for the secret to eternal life.

Prognosis: Dear Lord Yes… I can’t say, like other, higher level, Internets writers, that I’ve visited the set of THE FOUNTAIN; my invitation obviously got lost in the e-mail. I can’t claim to have had wonderful, introspective chats with Darren Aronofsky as he’s editing the movie, either. I can only lay claim to have been in the room with other Internets writers as we all vied for his fatherly attention at the Comic-Con. The simple fact is, I’m jealous of all those other people who have had close contact with the man over this movie because there is no way you could be gestating this kind of movie, for as long as he has, without getting some great insight into what he’s been doing with this movie; I haven’t seen any of that with the other people he’s talked to but maybe I’ll get the chance before all is said and done. If this trailer is any indication of what Herr Aronofsky has been doing for the past few centuries I am officially on the PR bandwagon.

Not knowing what to expect from this movie, just roughly having an idea of what it’s about, I heard that the footage that was screened at the Con this year was confusing; it didn’t give people a solid grasp on things. The trailer here opens with basics. That’s what’s, initially, so good about this.

“1 MAN”

Okay, what this trailer needs you to do is think and process things a little. Yes, the gasps can be heard all the way back to the cheap seats of the 10:30 pm showing of VENOM but it’s fairly intuitive that what when this graphic comes up the one man in question is Hugh Jackman. I’m not going to break too bad on the lettering but, even in the post-modern sense, it’s not really demonstrative in the way that the teaser poster is. It’s pretty much a New Times Roman font and while it doesn’t necessarily take away from the really, really engaging visuals it is fairly disappointing.

That said, the first few clips of Hugh are really insatiable. In the first clip, with his haggard old school beard, the second, his coif perfectly intact but looking equal parts despondent and angry, and the last, and most curious, Bald Hugh with golden twinkling somethings dripping behind him.

You get no words here but that’s fine.

“1 LOVE”

Rachel Weisz. You get her in all sorts of good-looking-ness. It should be enough to state that her part here is obviously to be Hugh’s love interest but even without seeing them together you just feel the attraction between the two of them. It pulsates through the screen.

“1 QUEST”

Hugh is on the move in all three scenes, I particularly like Monkey Hugh as he climbs a very bright, Waiting For Godot type tree. I haven’t a clue what any of these things mean but rather than being bothersome it’s evokes interest in me.

“1000 YEARS”

I love this bit of the trailer. The beats of the tribal drum, kind of reminds me of The Drummers of Burundi, a wicked African troupe, mixed in with old Hugh as he races on his old horse towards a bright city and, as the camera twists angles in a smooth circular motion, modern Hugh racing towards a city in his car is just compelling to look at. There is a real sense of immediacy which, if you’re in tune with it, you just feel something’s wrong.

The ending, where future Hugh gets stripped of his clothing in a blinding white light, and where he walks slowly though shallow water towards a spindly, leafless tree, evokes the most questions but I think it’s fairly obvious of what all this is supposed to mean. It’s almost enough to make one go mad that this movie isn’t here yet.

I do hope the movie is as good as this trailer. From what I see here the wait between pictures from Darren may well be worth all the centuries I’ve had to wait.

Director: Len Wiseman
Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Bill Nighy, Shane Brolly, Michael Sheen
Release: January 20, 2006
Synopsis: WORLD: EVOLUTION continues the saga of war between the Death Dealers and the Lycans. The film goes back to the beginnings of the ancient feud between the two tribes as Selene (Kate Beckinsale), the beautiful vampire heroine, and Michael (Scott Speedman), the lycan hybrid, try to unlock the secrets of their bloodlines. This will be a modern tale of action, intrigue and forbidden love, which takes them into the battle to end all wars as the immortals must finally face their retribution.

Prognosis: Positive. “Hi, I’m Len Wiseman and this is my movie. I also wanted to remind everyone here that Kate and I are what some of you kids would call “˜an item’ so I hope none of youse out there even thinks about hitting on my old lady. I swear to Asgard I will get in my Trans-Am and roll right over to your parents house if you so much as write anything which would prompt a visit from me. You can’t see it, because it’s being covered by my Batman hat, which is a Warner Brothers property and might make some of my corporate overlords anxious, but I am rocking one of the most hardcore mullets you’ve ever seen in your life. You’ve been warned. Now, enjoy the trailer!”

Look, I know most people who make movies are very proud of their work. I would hope they are because passion is important in movie making. I did feel really awkward, though, when Len decided to intro this trailer. It didn’t make sense to me and it only stoked in me the smart-assiness which you see above. There’s no need for it. Even though it is a Yahoo! (insert that funny “Yahoooo”¦oooo!”) exclusive I don’t see how his introducing the trailer is important. When things start, I’m trying to remember what happened when last we left our leather clad superheroine.

A snowy village, borrowed from the set of VAN HELSING or at the least the remnants of the Hollywood burning of it, is ablaze in the dead of winter. Somehow this soundstage is the opening display of aggression between Lycan and Vampire in a Midevil WWE Winterslam. I’d like to say the display of horses, fire, CGI and battle axes is pretty sweet but it does look, well, staged.

No matter, though, as we are kindly lent information from the past flick to bring us up to speed. I usually abhor this kind of flashback usage but I like it here. It’s quick, to the point and it gives us more than enough peeks at the leather goods that are on display.

Now, the story is that there is the original vampire, the REAL original this time, no bullshit here my friends, the real vampire has some back to exact some wicked retribution against the woman who exiled him to the netherregions from when he has come back. It’s a bit hokey but Kate is pretty good with her fists and hands and legs as she disarms some dudes who I have no clue how they fit into the story.

Also, and I think this important, some other people are on Kate’s deliciously shaped tail and there’s some GOONIES style, dry docked pirate ship and it may have something to do with the plot but I am unsure of that. I am too busy trying to adjust my eyes to the non-light. Not that I am complaining or anything, I know better than most that this flick is financially necessary as the first one made enough coin to make some suit all sorts of hot and bothered. I don’t know why, though, vampires who come back from wherever the hell they were hanging out prior to their “resurrection” always have a British accent. It must be the vampires’ need to hang out with people who have just as jacked up teeth as they do.

The trailer near the end is full of bullets, glass, werewolves, some outdoor vampire flying which, again, must have been left over from VAN HELSING, a woman walking around in her undergoods and there’s even some tasty cat fighting between Kate and some blonde. That’s hot.

Director: Adam Goldberg
Cast: Giovanni Ribisi, Franka Potente, Joshua Jackson, Christina Ricci, Jason Lee
Release: November 4, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Sometimes somber, sometimes sly and self-parodying, and always surreal, I LOVE YOUR WORK chronicles the disintegration of Gray Evans, a movie star losing his grip on reality, unable to adjust to his own celebrity, and consumed by a twisted nostalgia for love and simplicity lost. A genre bending tale of obsession? voyeurism and the cult of celebrity.

Prognosis: Negative. Now here’s a movie which I see clearly for what it is but which suffers from a rather poorly constructed trailer.

This has a wonderful premise: a movie star starts “losing it” when he becomes obsessed with a stalker. The movie is packed with great talent, Joshua Jackson aside (he really needs to prove he can do something more than just hang with teenagers and “look cool” on the screen. i.e. CRUEL INTENTIONS, SCREAM 2, URBAN LEGEND, THE SKULLS, CURSED”¦), but the message and thrust of the movie’s candy center is diluted by manic editing.

The first person we see on screen is Giovanni Ribisi. Kick-ass talent. The man is the genuine article and it’s entertaining to see him affect the swagger and attitude of big time movie guy. Now, while the visuals are off to a good start you’ve got the worst chosen score riding shotgun beneath it all; it’s fucking morose and depressing.

Now, props to the trailer makers for getting to the point real quick about what’s happening in this movie, I appreciate that. He gets a freaky ass letter from a freaky ass fan and it sends Giovanni off into a paranoid state. No more than a second later we meet Joshua Jackson, looking all Grizzly Adams whilst working the counter at the local record/video/some kind of retail store, and we are to infer he is the crazy fan. The two of them meet but it’s rather cordial and kind. Giovanni is understandably freaked but here’s where the editing fails greatly.

The next scene we’re privy to has Giovanni jockeying a Minolta in a dark room, pointed, ostensibly, at Joshua’s place, and it feels all very REAR WINDOW-ish. What’s freaky-er is that Giovanni, gasp!, becomes obsessed with Joshua’s hot looking girlfriend and somehow gets some nudie shots of the girl from some 3rd guy who enters the trailer narrative and looks like a cross between some smelly French paparazzo and Michael Rooker, and I’m all sorts of twisted around.

The Morrissey lite soundtrack pounds in the background as words are inserted like this is some tryout to create a new Inxs video for Mediate or trying to channel the spazziness which was U2’s Zooropa, all of which I just chalk up to someone who’s just learned how to use their Apple, and all sorts of people start bum rushing the screen.

I see Franka Potente, Christina Ricci, Jason Lee and Vince Vaughn. It’s honestly schizophrenic but in a way it’s not because at least with schizophrenia you have the luxury of being introduced to them. I haven’t a clue as to how any of these people fit in this film or even why Giovanni slugs Lee in the chops, video camera in tow, and then see Lee giggling as he’s sitting next to him. This worries me. Not that I’m worried about the film but I’m worried that I am losing my own mind trying to understand what all this means.

In the end it gets a little too arty for me, and art is all about context, but the message is muttled and doesn’t really make that much sense when you try and peel back its rotting layers.

Director: Woody Allen
Cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Emily Mortimer, Matthew Goode, Brian Cox, Penelope Wilton
Release: December 28, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis:

Prognosis: Negative. I dunno.

I just don’t know.

I’d like to think that I am a pretty open dude when it comes to flicks that normally attract a female audience, I think that shutting one’s self off from any premise is pretty close-minded, but this flick is all for the chicks because I am not buying a goddamned thing this trailer is selling.

You do have Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, who did a splendid job in trying not to get into Kiera Knightly’s knickers in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM and Emily Mortimer who starred in the other flick I would put in my top 10 of the year, DEAR FRANKIE; I am way secure in my manhood to admit this, you understand, but I don’t think you go from English muffins, the likes of which are stuffed snugly inside her 501’s, to Scarlett. Well, maybe you do but when you watch this trailer you see how poorly this story gets executed.

Jonathan preys upon Scarlett in an art museum but what gets me is that this yet another cad story perpetrated by a different Brit. In CLOSER (a crap film if there ever was one and I can use my Texas Instruments TI-82 and an Etch-A-Sketch to prove it) you had Jude Law doing it to snag Natalie Portman but here you just have Jonathan trying to bag Scarlett, doing it, and then trying to cover it up with his real wife. Can’t dudes just keep it in their pants? Is infidelity that rampant?

Scarlett says that Jonathan honed in her like a guided missile but what she doesn’t realize is that the rocket was propelled by the Hanes His Way bannana hammock in his pants. And once you see him IN his Jockey’s and his voiceover response to his wife’s questioning about why they haven’t played Hide the Blood Sausage for weeks is completely unbelievable. The double entendres just fly like balls as the words “beat it,” “blow it,” and Scarlett’s insistence that she’s just a paid whore.

Everyone comes off as pompous and rather smarmy. I believe all involved want to think they’re being really cool by holding their wine a certain way or sauntering through a room in a certain style but you can see right through these people’s superficiality like a window sill selling puppies.

I love it when the violin music starts to get real tense and our players’ bombast gets all heady and serious. I think what it comes down to is that these people are cheating whores and for a flick like this to be a “runaway sensation at Cannes” I think I’m missing something. Is Jonathan’s wife a shrew? Is Scarlett giving him something that’s worth him unleashing his Johnson just because he feels all puffy “down there?”

What’s rich, and I must tell that I had a good laugh when it happened, Scarlett ends up being this psycho nut job and at one point Jonathan asks, “Are you threatening me?” Beavis all the way, people. You would think he channeled the spirit of Mike Judge. Hilarious.

Director: Joe Roth
Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianne Moore, Edie Falco, Ron Eldard, William Forsythe
Release: September 25, 2005
Synopsis: When her son disappears and is believed to be dead, a single mother blames an African-American man from the projects for the kidnapping, creating a racial controversy. An African-American detective (Jackson) and a white newspaper reporter team up to investigate the case, which they discover may be more complicated than they expected.

Prognosis: Ugh. I guess Samuel L. Jackson figures one more cop role has to be better than the one he played in THE MAN.

“Inspired by actual events”¦”

I think the opening is a little weak. The whole admission that he’s seen things that makes him less than able to have faith in humanity is pretty sub-par. I’ve been a cashier at a supermarket and have had to take a squeegee on a long stick to the bottom of a dumpster to loosen rotting fruit. Does that make me less than able to have faith in the farmers of America who make too much produce? No, of course not, but having a problem with people comes with being a detective. Duh.

Next, Julianne Moore literally saunters into a hospital and needs to tell our detective, Sam Jackson, rocking a gimpy ass hat which makes him look like an extra for the clown crew at Barnum and Bailey’s Circus, a little story. I don’t know why these two have hooked up but it’s all a part of the story.

And the story? It’s played out like a bad reenactment on Unsolved Mysteries. It’s literally flashed back in detail as Moore recounts being thrown from her car as a mysterious person takes her car with her kid in it. Now, we see Julianne in the middle of a forest, by herself, and I know I am not the only one who wonders why a person would be in the forest, at night, alone, with a kid in the back seat. I don’t know the answer to this but it’s hilarious as hell to see Julianne fake her shock at seeing her car being taken; it’s really overacted.

Things get great, though, when Sam Jackson gets on his walkie-talkie screaming for back-up, only to trigger a race war when some people of the community feel that the po-po’s are more apt to come and save a white child than they would a black one. Out of left field this information comes at me but that’s fine because it takes the focus away from Sam’s hat for a little bit.

Unfortunately, since this trailer can’t keep on track for more than 10 seconds with a single thought we swing into Edie Falco, quite different than her goomba queen role in the Soprano’s, talking about this one abandoned part of the world they all live by. I don’t see how this belongs to the narrative above, and the trailer really doesn’t convince me that it does. Edie has this crazed look about her and I am damn near believe she might have to do with the disappearance of this kid who may or may not exist. (You just can’t assume anything nowadays in films…)

We come back to the race war for a moment as we get all new looks at this abandoned house out in the forest which may or may not have something to do with this kid’s disappearance but it’s all tempered by the notion that this may all be a lie. The other scenes included just serve to obfusicate the matter even more by insuating that Julianne may be all sorts of crazy. Maybe. My head hurts. I’d like to say whether or not I can recommend this film but I can’t even tell you which genre this movie belongs in. My professors always told me never to mix my metaphors. They couldn’t have been more right.

Director: Mark Levin
Cast: Josh Hutcherson, Charlie Ray, Bradley Whitford, Cynthia Nixon, Willie Garson
Release: September 30, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: Two 11-year-olds find love in New York City.

Prognosis: Yes. Ok, I really really wanted to yell out “Busteeeeeddd”¦” in that same kind of tenor that Joe from Newsradio uses when he catches Matthew holding his gelato for the manipulative Elton John usage for the employment of “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” near the end of this trailer but I really like this piece of advertising. I really appreciate the story, more than anything else, and it manipulates me in a way that I don’t mind so much.

My first real kiss was with Wendy Krizeck after Homecoming in my first year at high school. It went off quicker than a flash bulb snapping pictures of Tara Reid’s exposed breast but it was a lot less satisfying. I hardly remember it but since my dad was present (I couldn’t drive myself) it did spark the essence of what I see happening in this trailer. It’s all about that one moment in a dude’s or dudette’s life when you know that boys/girls aren’t so bad and that your sole mission in life is now less consumed with trying to get to Mike Tyson in Punch-Out and more consumed with wondering how life got so confusing so fast.

Our protagonist in this story, a delightful little man, starts out narrating this trailer and assumes the duties for the duration. I’m really glad because he does a good job in bringing me back to that awkward stage when you know that the ladies are a good thing. The opening musical cue, and that rocking backbeat, really sets the tone for the rest of the trailer. The two kids yelling “I hate you!” at the outset, young love at its most impetuous, honest, take me back to when I saw that extended skit on Saturday Night Live, Dave’s Party. It was about the “What if” premise dealing with young kids realizing the complexities of relationships and this trailer captures both worlds with an “aww, shucks” gloss without making me feel retchingly sick.

When you watch this young boy going through the motions of a smitten puppy, seeing him walk into a glass door he thinks is open is a gag I will find perinnally hilarious, you feel for the kid and the trailer earns every saccharine moment.

And, lo and behold, who should pop up but Bradley Whitford. Man, I know when last he was in a flick I goofed on his performance in REVENGE OF THE NERDS II but this time I have to give it up for his sterling presence in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING; he was wicked awesome as Mike Todwell and so was Vincent D’Onofrio as Thor.

Not to be overshadowed by Bradley, Cynthia Nixon busts on the scene as the young boy’s mother. Now, I k now many people were shocked and awed by Ms. Nixon’s kinda, sorta, admission she really is into the ladies but I strangely don’t have the same reaction of seeing Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman together as a pair in Mr. Wrong. It’s ok here as she’s cheeky and adds that certain naievte every parent must have when love starts to bloom and you have no way of controlling what’s going on. (I could’ve done without the record scratch, though. How many more times must it be employed before it is axed out of existence like the word “bling”?)

So, the really cheap shot comes in when the Billy Joel “Someone Saved My Life Tonight.” I wanted to resist its obvious, facetious, calculated purpose but I was powerless against the slo-mo visual of our young man, crushed, by the weight of the heartless wench who crushes his little heart. Every dude who has a pulse knows that stinging pain that first love brings when it ends and is brought upon by a woman. What a bitch.

Director: Matthew O’Callaghan
Cast: Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore, David Cross, Eugene Levy, Joan Plowright, Dick Van Dyke, Ed O’Ross
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: The story follows George, the inquisitive little primate transplanted from the jungle to the big city by The Man in the Yellow Hat, where his spunky and fun-loving nature endear him to new friends he meets along the way and lands him in a series of adventures.

This trailer, therefore, delights me.

Now, I am not critiquing this one on its ability to sell me. In the dozens of trailers that I have deconstructed like I was the Caterpillar of the filmic universe I think I am always trying to see what it is that they’re trying to sell me. Here, though, the trailer is a vehicle not to so much sell as it is a prepping tool to the adults who will be forced to take their kids to it. Me? I’m happily going but many adults play the “Who’s-Gonna-Take-Johnny-To-This-One” like it’s a Rock/Paper/Scissors exercise. I say fear not, for the explosions of contrasting colors and vibrant hues of The Man In The Yellow Hat, voiced by Will Ferrell, not only attracts your eyes like a bug zapper to those blue fluorescent bulbs of death but Will really sells the character in the opening sequence.

The palate chosen to draw this feature against really does the books some justice insofar that the backgrounds are really a part of the George universe. That universe may not exist in reality, and as other animation studios have proven with their ability to render life-life environments, but it’s nice to have something close to traditional animation come into the market.

In terms of the scenes chosen to showcase the storyline of this picture it would be useless to describe them. Really, George gets loose in the city, George gets loose in the park, George gets loose in the zoo, George drinks a coffee drink and belches. The latter is important to explain, I think. More and more the public expulsion of gas, be that oral or anal, is put into kids trailers and I don’t think I have a problem with that. It is funny, it will always be funny, and I think that if anyone does have a problem with it I would wonder what that household must be like to live under the notion that bodily functions are reprehensible. I like it and it’s cheeky, all in good fun.

What’s more about this trailer is that even though this movie is dropping in February, a notorious dumping ground for flicks that didn’t quite make the grade for either the holiday season or for other advantageous times in the release calendar throughout the year, this movie doesn’t have to make a big splash. As Jon Favreau pointed out during his press for ZATHURA, kids movies are safe bets for studios because they aren’t really budget hogs and, if you make something fairly good, the odds are in your favor to make your money back. I think that having Will Ferrell is a plus, that Ron Howard is a producer on this thing is another and with a nice, laidback soundtrack by Jack Johnson makes this a movie many parents like me, in their 30’s won’t be so against seeing.

Nothing says love like taking in a movie, being able to sit in the dark, and having your kid shut their yap for 90 minutes in the middle of the day. As Men-On-Film would say, that would be “Fab-You-Lus.”

Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Katherine Heigl, Brian Cox
Release: December 23, 2005
Synopsis: When Steve Barker (Knoxville) finds himself running dead last in the corporate rat race, he sinks to an all time low…he attempts to rig the Special Olympics by pretending to be intellectually challenged. But, Barker is completely out-classed by his fellow Olympians, who are not only better athletes; they’re just plain better people. And they’re on to him. But rather than rat-out the rat, they join forces with him to once and for all beat Jimmy, the cocky reigning champion of the annual games. With a work-out regime uniquely their own, they train Barker to go for the gold and, in the process, show him what’s at the heart of a true winner.

The mere premise of this flick had me gnawing at my knuckles to see whether this could be the one movie of the year where I could go and feel absolutely guilty for watching (I saw JACKASS: THE MOVIE a few times just for the staged insanity of it all) and I even reviewed the teaser trailer WAAAY back a long time ago.

It seems I waited all that time for a half-baked film that overreaches with its idea of what could be funny and stoops to some of the most inane clichés to try and be something more than what it is: a shit looking flick.

We start out pretty bland as well with the voiceover that leads us into the actual film proper. I understand with the real Winter Olympics coming up in a few months that this should be pretty awe inspiring, the grandiose horns and the black and white footage of real athletes striding into an Olympic stadium, but I know what’s coming. The voiceover is an almost ancillary device to the real one where we go to Johnny being an idiot but this smoke and mirrors technique of starting out with something dignified before launching into the absurd, pulling the rug from unsuspecting people like it’s a funny frat joke, is just a lazy way to intro a movie. But, I will admit this: seeing the rube who can’t make it over the high jump, and falls straight down to the ground on his ass because, ostensibly, he’s “handi-capable” is funny, as is Brian Cox’s quick sound bite that he’s going to fix the Special Olympics.

That much is great but it slowly fizzles and it’s all because the premise can’t hold up with what we’re given to chew on, visually. Knoxville’s ruse, when he first opens his mouth and declares what he is, his ailment, is nigh embarrassing to watch. It’s fucking painful, actually.

What’s more is that we’re given lots of Knoxville’s mugging. We see that his initial blurting about how retarded his is just extends into other, more lame attempts to affect the mannerisms of those who are genuinely developmentally disabled. This isn’t to say, though, that I am against this kind of humor. I will readily admit that Damon Wayans’ Handyman was, perhaps, some of the best comedy to deal with this kind of subject matter. It was smart and funny. This is just pathetic.

Also, the extended clip of Brian and Johnny debating the parameters of who gets to park in the handicapped areas and who doesn’t is just, well, lame. It doesn’t so much make me feel one way or the other, giggles or jeers, but it just seems inserted for no reason at all. Its resolution just begs the question, “Why?” I have no idea.

I think that the only thing really insulting is the actual insertion of real people who do have genuine ailments. To use them to pimp your own poorly constructed flick almost seems like a grab at something genuine but all it does to me is instill a shame in even watching this trailer. There is a lot of Johnny falling on his ass, for no good reason, and I can’t figure out why any of this is happening. Is Johnny really mentally unstable? Is he really retarded in the pejorative sense? Again, I have no answers, I only have observations.

And what, ultimately, really incenses me is the way Johnny “comes around” at the end of this trailer by stating that some of the people he’s come to know could compete in the real Olympics and it feels like he’s unduly trying to curry favor with an audience who should see right through this feeble attempt to exonerate the whole idea that his initial actions excuse the rest of what he’s done.

I thought I wanted to see this film, I thought this would be done the way a film like this should be made, but I was wrong. Really wrong.

Director: Josh Stolberg
Cast: Crystal Celeste Grant, Alex Anfanger, Julie Bowen, Malik Yoba, Andrew Shaifer, Nicole Richie
Release: October 21, 2005
Synopsis: A diverse group of high school students band together to peacefully stick it to their overbearing principal.

I did, though, want to see what genre this cookie-cutter teen flick falls into. I’ll admit that I was surprised by the opening. There is some actual potential in a trailer that quietly opens up with a teacher, looking like art guru Bob Ross’ odd woodland cousin, sitting in front of a class, trying to make some kind connection between the movies GREASE, GREASE II and MARY POPPINS. I think I wanted something funny to come roaring at me but instead I get the word “Comedy” from that man’s lips and I’m whisked from that classroom and into the world of teensploitation.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing, per se, there’s the bitchy cheerleaders who, if you’re a fan of Lizzie Mcguire like me, are prevalent at all levels of school based programming, the hard core gym teacher (I did like the way the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series dealt with the overbearing gym coach in that really creepy way) and the tough as spit principal who’s not going to take any lip.

I fear that the happy-joy feelings I started to cultivate are getting destroyed by what seems to be the heinous direct-to-video offerings of the once great National Lampoon imprint; I mean, my God, have you seen the product literally clogging the shelves at your local video store? I don’t think, even if I was 13 again, would I rent those films, even if there was the possibility of some soft-core frontal action.

Alas, it is every worst-case scenario come to life as this trailer rolls on. Not even the inclusion of Rosanna Arquette, Elizabeth Perkins and Julie Bowen (who were all obviously late on their H3 payments and needed some quick flash money) can save this trailer. I don’t expect much out of my high school themed productions but when there isn’t any scene I can bring up here to even give props to there are major issues abounding everywhere.

You have the entire cadre of clichés, personalities, plot and there is even the hint of knowing how exactly this movie will end. Life is tough in high school, evil principal and uncaring teachers enforce rules with little regard to reality, a handful of kids stand up against establishment, kids liberate the hearts and minds of everyone.

Now, the only question left to answer is how long will it take before this movie is whisked away from major distribution and put alongside the latest offerings from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

For shame. Where’s Christian Slater when you need him?

Director: Saul Metzstein
Cast: Jason Biggs, Natascha McElhone, Jeremy Northam Michael Ironside, Sean Tucker
Release: October 28th, 2005
Synopsis: A black comedy set in 1979, about a soldier mistakenly posted to an Arctic military base.

Trailer after trailer I was stopping a few seconds in, others were better as I waited an entire minute before shutting them off. However, when I stumbled on this one I couldn’t help myself but be amazed at the lunacy factor that this flick gives off like radioactive particles tickling an isotope identifier.

I’ve never been a huge Jason Biggs fan, and I do understand the concept of appreciating one’s work without having a shrine dedicated to their ability to fake being someone on the screen, but I like him. His presence has grown on me and I think it was only after I watched JERSEY GIRL last weekend, realizing it honestly is an unsung gem of a flick, that I let this trailer play itself out.

I’m glad I did because this is an odd bird of a trailer if there ever was one which deals with Jason’s accidental placement on a remote base as a soldier in Greenland. What I think I appreciate a great deal in this trailer is that it’s quick to set things up. That’s a good thing because without a real “name” in the film that someone can admire a few seconds you run the risk of someone tuning out. This trailer doesn’t afford you that possibility. Straight up, this is 1979 and it’s far from anywhere. Thanks, really, I appreciate that information. It’s just a little info but I appreciate the honesty.

Seeing Jason slush his way through the mess hall on his first day there, sitting across from Natascha McElhone, a delightful actress who really deserved a little more time in THE TRUMAN SHOW, and finding out that, no, it’s not Hawaii he’s at but at a place a little more chilly.

Now, because he’s in the wrong place, and is denied the opportunity to leave the base because of his “skillz,” he’s all out of sorts. This no doubt being an issue to Jason, and his less than positive attitude at being there, the soldiers themselves seem to be suffering a bit from what Inuit call Pibloktog or Windigo among the Cree, seeing chicks run around in Army olive colored bikinis, it’s nice to see the aggression of some who insist Jason get off his ass. Seeing some dude scream really loud that, “You got guard duty, you piece of shit,” while not really something readily translatable for television audiences it does, however, make the Internets a nice place to see this kind of material.

Also, the inclusion of Jeremy “THE NET” Northam and, holy crap, Michael Ironside as a man with virtually no name, and that sexy throaty speak which I bet the chicks dig, add a certain something to this film about a man who just wants to get away from this one base in the middle of nowhere. Jason really fits well into this movie and it honestly shows. No longer does he seem awkward but he commands the space he takes up in this trailer.

This has the sheen of CATCH-22, a movie which doesn’t seem like requisite watching for many folks, but like BUFFALO SOLDIERS I am almost willing to portend that this movie won’t find its audience. War movies are like kids movies with the kind of built-in audience it has but most any flick which deals with some of the blacker areas of enlisted life have a harder time with people in getting them to watch. I don’t know why because watching this trailer only engenders curiosity and eagerness in me.

Director: Rob Reiner
Cast: Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner, Shirley MacLaine, Mark Ruffalo, Mena Suvari
Release: December 25, 2005
Synopsis: Jennifer Aniston plays a woman who learns that her family was the inspiration for the book and film “The Graduate” — and that she just might be the offspring of the well-documented event.

I understand the nature of these films. Hell, I am even willing to put out there that these are a necessary evil in that they help get smaller projects the kind of fiscal help they wouldn’t have received in the first place thanks to the blue hairs and AARP discount tickets these last bastions of true milquetoast studio pictures are able to generate.

Thankfully, I’m not let down by the opening which looks like it was lit by a crew of German Nazis who are well versed in the power of klieg lighting. I mean, jeez, look at the faces of Ruffalo and Aniston as the Ms. asks Ruffalo if he’d like to do a little vertical taco noshing at 30,000 feet. His pores seemingly leap off the screen as does Aniston’s droopy lids which are starting to show signs of human normalcy which I like to call aging. The premise of these two coming together is fairly hot but in the context of this scene it all feels quite un-hot and embarrassingly lame. Hey, I would hit that like Farrah Faucet after a long night of binge drinking before having the cops called on me but I just felt a quick need to leave the scene. Thankfully, we do.

Cue lame yet hauntingly jaunty orchestral string movement.

Wow, now this is interesting, the set design used for the interiors is refreshingly original and hearkens to a time I can’t quite place. Oh, yes I can, MEET THE PARENTS. That’s right, oh, and FATHER OF THE BRIDE. You say this movie is about a girl who’s about to get married? Oh, surely you jest! What passes for a lifelike environment just appears to be leftovers from scads of different flicks set in an upper-middle class, white, WASPy to be sure, suburbia; a utopia that is far removed from normalcy, reality or anything resembling an actual weather system. And speaking of Old Man Winter, you get the pleasure of seeing Shirly MacLaine in all out-of-body glory. The woman looks positively bathed in some rejuvenating baby oil, slicker than a Slip N’ Slide if I could speak candidly, and I honestly don’t think she looks anything older than 65. The woman simply looks like she is going to beat Dick Clark at this Fountain of Youth competition. Darren Aronofsky could’ve saved himself shitloads of cash to make his vision of THE FOUNTAIN by casting the two of them to battle for supremacy of some Pond’s Youth Defining lotion.

When at first you think this is going to be flick starring Ruffalo and Aniston you are quickly schooled with a swift monkey punch to the gooch as the big reveal is that Shirley MacLaine is, once more, made out to be the sex kitten that she isn’t. Not to take anything away from her but aren’t there any more mature looking ladies who could’ve done this part? Anyone? Tossing Kevin Costner into the mix, playing Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson” is damn near blasphemy in my book but, you’re all right, I hear you, this movie was not genetically engineered with me in mind.

Oh, and I must share this, the coup de grace of it all? That Kevin and Jennifer have a fling? Besides the age difference which doesn’t affect me, it’s the weird goings on with Kevin’s hair that alarms me. It looks like graying peach fuzz and it just kills any hotness I could fervently muster to try and see past it all. I just can’t believe it.

There is a moment where Mark obviously learns about the affair and I think, honestly think, as he’s going to give Jennifer a nice doling out of Alabama Backhand justice but it’s all bark and no bite as I am once more reminded of Shirley’s propensity for liquor, odd as it is, in damn near every movie of hers that I’ve been harangued into seeing. She’s like a tart that won’t ever realize her limitations as an older lady; it’s no longer sexy, it’s saddening.