TRANSFORMERS 2: MULTI-ANGLE REVIEW
Surprise, surprise!!! When it comes to movies so loved by the masses and so hated by critics, like Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, it really seems like it throws reviewers into a divisive whirlwind. Most critics decide to have fun ripping out its guts and putting the innards on display for the world to see, since their opinion on a film like this will not even bite a chewable chunk out of the box office receipts. Some critics simply get depressed that they even have to comment on the film. Others just give in to the crushing pressure of the sad truth: that the entire planet thinks this is “good.” There are even some, possibly, that actually enjoyed the movie without prefacing their delight with “for what it was…” So, to try something new, I am going to attempt a review from 4 different angles.
(***There are NO SPOILERS or plot descriptions either…but if you really, really want those things, then here you have it: Robots Fight, Shia LaBeouf and a hot chick run a lot.***)
ANGLE #1: NORMAL
I wholeheartedly enjoy some Michael Bay movies, I even love one or two as superb action escapism. Transformers 2, however, is barely a movie and is honestly beneath even Mr. Bay. What we have here is a serious, mind-numbing, failure to communicate. This film breaks the singular cardinal rule of all truly great escapist films, the one detail needed to rise it above just being a “series of events” to “generic fun”…a through line! We need some semblance of a cohesive understandable story arc for the characters, no matter how cliché or simple, to keep some emotional attachment to what is happening. Michael Bay’s opus might be the most confusing big-budget mess ever put to celluloid, couple that with the fact that all the robots look almost exactly the same and all the geography during action sequences are like metallic scramble eggs and there is NOTHING to hang on to.
Armageddon, Bad Boys 2, The Rock, these are art-films compared to Transformers 2, if not just because they have a somewhat competently written story. They might have bland plots, and Hollywood-ized characters, but there is meat to grab onto as you watch them, you actually care what’s going to happen next instead of just assuming that something is going to happen next because the credits haven’t rolled yet. Remember all the negative hoopla about Death Race when it was released? Well that film, much like the original film it was based on (and Mr. Bay’s early films) is pure action exploitation. I fully admit to loving Death Race. Was it a good film? No, not really. Did it have a comprehensible story line and action geography? YES!!!It was one hell of a good time, due in no small part to the fact that the audience could grab onto the simple plight of Jason Statham’s character to take them through the action. It was clear who was good, who was evil, and where it was all going. Escapist films don’t need to re-invent the thematic wheel; they just need to use it. I don’t expect Taxi Driver when I buy a ticket for Bad Boys 2, Commando, or Death Race, I just expect to know what is going on. I just defended a Paul W.S. Anderson film. Deal with it.
Every human character in Revenge of the Fallen literally talks like they are in a Micro Machines commercial. Rain Wilson’s cameo is the only human-speed dialogue delivered through out the run time. Wait, I take that back, Tyrese Gibson had the honor of delivering this earth shatteringly bland comic-relief-nugget during a pause in the narrative:
“I don’t like that guy…he’s an asshole.” ““ Tyrese Gibson, Actor, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
That quote is pretty much the amount of effort that went into all writing on this film; it feels like it was written off the cuff as the actors stood in front of the cameras looking at tennis balls. It does sound like a derivative criticism to say there is no acting in a movie like this…but there was almost 0% thespian craft! That isn’t a slight against the cast, it’s the fact that they must have been directed to deliver all dialogue as if the characters were on speed pills. The scene where Shia arrives in his college dorm is edited and delivered so fast that it’s hard to believe it’s not a satire. It needs to be seen to be believed, but it’s still not worth the ticket price.
John Turturro, once again lowering himself, is at least somewhat comprehensible as the wacky former government employee. That still doesn’t help the fact that one of our most gifted and underrated actors alive today will be remembered by a generation of kids as “that funny guy from the transforming robots movie.” Which brings out my very real concern for an entire generation of kids that think this thing, Revenge of the Fallen, is what a movie is suppose to be. There is no doubt that there is amazing special effects here, used so much and so naturally that the word desensitization doesn’t even suffice. Confusing, meth-addict, explosion-porn like this will rob an entire generation of their patience to watch and enjoy all the beauty, wonder, craft, and greatness in the history of cinema. If they continue to suck at the tit of movies like Transformers 2 as they grow they will be unable to tolerate films like Apocalypse Now, 12 Angry Men, Blade Runner, A Fistful of Dollars, Papillon, Schindler’s List, or The Great Escape and so on and so forth. They won’t even be able to tolerate old action, exploitation, or escapist movies. All those films are nothing but boring, unwatchable, intellectual-tests to anyone raised thinking the definition of cinema is incomprehensible CGI filled nightmares that placate the masses and prove their worth with money instead of art.
There are personal friends of mine, 30 year-olds, that have admitted that they have even been corrupted by the special effects and lightning pacing of today’s cinema, to the point that “old stuff” just puts them to sleep. They are in their 30’s, imagine someone still impressionable growing up in this cinematic climate. We live in an age where an actor like Shia LaBeouf is the “IT-Boy.” Think of how much things have changed since, say, Dustin Hoffman was the “IT-Boy.” Hoffman was young and new in Hollywood, but he was making masterpieces, SUCCESSFUL classics, like Marathon Man, Straw Dogs, The Graduate, Papillon, Midnight Cowboy etc. Now I didn’t live through the 70’s, nor did I even exist in the 70’s, but I got to ask: What were they doing so right back then that we are doing so wrong right now?
ANGLE #2: CRITIC “BLURBS”
(Written by me, out of context. In fact, no context exists)
“Bay’s newest opus is akin to a 2.5 hour long car crash. One that has a plot. I think.”
“Revenge of the Fallen plays like punch to the nose. It starts out of nowhere, confusion strikes, then the rest of your time is spent trying to stop the bleeding.”
“Like watching someone slowly separate your legs from your body using scrap metal.”
“I eagerly await the porn version, Transporners: Rear-end of the Ballin, which will sadly have more believable dialogue and a tighter plot.”
“…and to think that in 2009, so many years later, our modern day Ed Wood, Bay, is not only gratuitously funded, but heavily successful.”
“I’m getting old.”
“Not since Claude Rains in 1933, has someone, so convincingly played the invisible man in a leading role. Well done Mr. LaBeouf. Blandness achieved.”
“Excuse me Mr. Bay, what just happened? Was that a movie?”
“So fleeting and hollow that it should be called Revenge of the Forgotten.”
“Why waste your $8? Stay home and watch soft-corn porn and a demolition derby on cable.”
“The time it must have taken to animate each little movement of every little part of each complex robotic character for a film that fails on such a deep level as this one is enough to push any legitimate film fan to suicide.”
“The cinematic equivalent of white noise.”
“…a multi-million dollar travesty for the video game generation, and they will love it.”
“So big, so epic, so enormous, so empty, so obvious, Michael Bay is no idiot. Congratulations on this summer’s best practical joke.”
“I fell asleep. Twice.”
ANGLE #3: SARCASM
Is this all you got Mr. Bay?!?! That’s it? Severe disappointment is the only word that truly describes Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. After the boring first movie, which was filled with exposition, humans, and moments of pause, I was hoping for a cinematic correction by Bay. Did he not learn his lesson, even though the first one was a hit?
Once again we have another movie filled with human characters talking, hogging screen time, giving exposition, and generally making the audience fall asleep. Michael Bay’s intense artistic ego even goes so far as to make the robots themselves spout off crucial plot heavy dialogue in a time wasting effort that takes away from the fighting. I know what you are saying…what do you want? Blood from a rock? Yeah! I want blood from a rock, A TRANSFORMING ROCK!!! I want two hours of unbridled hellish war with not a human in sight. I want galaxy-sized robots, foaming motor oil at the mouth, fighting each other with boxing gloves made of black holes. I want a 900 billion dollar monument to chaos that looks like anthropomorphic robotic-volcanoes erupting satanic-jizm backwards into the earth’s core. I want an orgy or pure kinetic hell flowing over battlefields filled with mechanical nightmares. I want to see robotic-nazi-sympathizing-puma-shaped-demons and Michael Bay himself jousting each other simultaneously at light-speed in full renaissance regalia. I want no-dialogue, except for a series of digitized grunts that can’t be heard over the Linkin Park soundtrack that is intentionally peaking the theater’s speaker system. I want a plot that spans the timeline of infinity, yet fits into 2 hours. I want trillions of robotic minions, each with hundreds of thousands of moving parts, fighting wars on the surface of Alpha Centauri…all fully rendered in such extreme detail, in such a wide shot, that it simply all just looks like filmed fire.
I want Michael Bay to go so overboard with Transformers 3: Universe Explosion, that the United Nations arrests him for crimes against humanity due to the gross waste of natural, financial, and human resources that they feel has directly contributed, via neglect, to the deaths-by-starvation of billions. Until then, however, it seems Bay is content making these boring, little art house films.
ANGLE #4: BITTER
[see “NORMAL” above]
Okay, that last angle was a cheat. Sorry, couldn’t help it. Thanks for reading!
Oh no! Just when you thought it was safe to hang out at the Quick Stop…
TALLADEGA — When a filmmaker wants to depict America’s legendary rugby coach in a film, only a legend actor can handle the job. Forever Strong shines a light on Highland High’s Coach Larry Gelwix. How good is he? His teams are 361-9 in the last three decades. He’s brought 18 of the last 24 National High School titles back to Salt Lake City. Who could dramatically play such an imposing figure behind such figures? Gary Cole took the whistle.
Edric has been writing music (off and on) since the early nineties. He wrote and directed a musical, The Pushcart War, based on Jean Merrill’s wonderful novel. He has written and/or arranged a number of songs for various friends – some commissioned, some as surprises. He loves acting in community theatre, and is inspired by the music of Stephen Sondheim, Jason Robert Brown, Adam Guettel, Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty. He is also happy to finally return his Happiness Board to the Internet. Check out the link on his web pages.
Legendz foretell of a mighty duo, born in the frozen North. Two neighborz and friendz will unite to form “Gödz Pöödlz” and battle the Mazterz or Song Fu for glory and bragging rightz! Gödz Pöödlz are Rüss Rögers and Röd Dürre. Rüss Rögers was once a member of “Kit and Kaboodle” (still available on iTunes) and currently performs in “Rusty’s Rocking Jamboree!” Röd Dürre wrote and performed with the Goth Rock Godz “Sear”, and last year Röd won the Coor’s Light “Take the 4:53 to Happy Hour” songwriting contest! Remember, the heaviest of metals are soft!
Hi, my name is Steve Chatterton, the quintessential one-man-band singer/songwriter net-based recording project. Mom always said I marched to the sound of a different drummer, but she never mentioned which one. Dad had a fondness for bagpipes. Fortunately, neither of them have any direct influence on my music. Specializing in quirky little guitar-oriented pop songs about bugs, the Scooby gang, pirates, palindromes, superheroes, old movies, infectious diseases, imaginary friends and sideshow freaks, I guess you could say I pretty much write love songs. I’m a cheesy bastard at heart. I’m a stay-at-home dad who’s looking to find more time in the studio when my youngest starts school in September. I have an ever-expanding back catalog (at least 3 albums worth & counting) I’m dying to share with the world one download at a time.
Johannes “Jutze” Schult (from Germany) likes to live in a dream world where there has been no Grunge and where he is a talented singer. Sometimes his little folky pop songs find their way into the real world. Here they suffer from his hoarse voice and the do-it-yourself home recording production, struggling to appeal off and on beaten musical paths.
In the far off land of Chandler, Arizona, where the rivers flow with sand and cacti, our leader and master, the Lord of Our Lady Gwynyth, guitar and microphone in hand, called for the greatest musicians in the land to assemble a rock and roll group like none other. Unfortunately, they were cut off on the road, and the Jalapeño Habañeros made it there first. With The Rogue Bohemian on saxophone and The Boxcar Bassist on bass and keyboards, the Lord was pleased. Now, they roam the streets of Chandler, playing epic songs and rocking faces, much like Bon Jovi. Unfortunately they are paid in change, and often get thrown into the street, also like Bon Jovi. Their lives have intertwined, and the era of the Jalapeño Habañeros has begun. Be prepared.
The Scribbles are one of the most popular ukulele-based trios in their entire 6th grade class. Oh sure, there is the rumor that Peter Choi hates them. Meh. He’s a hater. Ha ha. The Scribbles formed last November when they all agreed on the name. After that they bought some instruments and started writing songs and stuff. So far, they’ve played a handful of shows around their hometown of Springfield, MO. Everyone’s favorite song seems to be “The Robot Song”. Maybe it’s because robots really are taking over the world, or maybe because Connor wears the robot suit during that song and that’s pretty funny. Thanks to MySpace, they are now friends with really cool people like The Beatles and Weezer and Tom. They’ve said some really nice things like “iloveyouguys:D” and “thanx for the add:).” Oh, and by the way, Peter Choi, The Scribbles still luv u.
Gorbzilla is a musician/band teacher in Mid-Michigan. He has been in a few bands over the years, most notably as the bass player/vocalist for the band “Satin Jones” and the guitarist/vocalist for the band “Jimmy Likes Pie”. The proud father of two future rock maniacs, Gorbzilla has been writing music for the past twenty years, and is currently working on his first musical Beer ““ Finally a Musical for Men based on the Haiku by Patrick “Horkmeister” Sweet entitled, “I Think I Threw Up”. He has been happily married for eight years, and is looking forward to this competition.
Darrell Maclaine has been devouring comedy songs and interesting music ever since he was old enough to know better, and is taking part in this competition essentially as penance for the amount of free music he has obtained via the previous rounds. He plays piano and keyboard bass as one fifth of oddball UK pop group The Directors (another fifth of the group, Mathew Cornah, possesses both more instrumental expertise and a much better home studio than him and will inevitably be press-ganged into contributing to his entries), and has decided to exercise his rusty songwriting muscles in the most embarrassingly public way possible.
Berg and Jerry are a small suburban acoustic group comprised of Andrew Berg (Lead Vocals, Melodica and, maybe, eventually the Ukulele) and Jerry Geleff (Guitar and Backup Vocals). Mid-summer ’08, Berg and Jerry began writing songs together and since then… well, basically nothing. As rookies to this competition, these guys hope to at least make one good song, and entertain at least one person (*fingers crossed*). Berg and Jerry have a fun ska/indie/punk acoustic sound and often try to write clever witty lyrics. So listen, laugh, and something else that starts with an “L”, because Berg and Jerry are ready to slightly attempt to be THE MASTERS OF SONG FU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Denise lived in a grey house in the city of Austin. Her favorite pastimes were playing piano, polishing her guitar, and tormenting the geeky programmer boy who lived there. His name was Michael, but she never called him that… Isn’t that a wonderful bio???
Lex Vader was born to a single mother who worked as silicon tycoon’s personal assistant. When she died of poor hygiene, Lex was sent to an orphanage where he showed interest in organizing races and laser fencing. After being recruited into a religious order, he spent the next few years between several of their private schools. In his final year, Lex lost his hand in an argument with a professor over Kryptochlorians. Despite this, Lex was able to achieve a successful business career and even a knighthood. Tragedy struck, however, when a former classmate’s arctic home caught fire during a business lunch, scarring half of Lex’s face. At this point, Lex’s behavior became erratic. When he managed to buy SithCo, the cult that schooled him, he was shunned by the corporate world. No longer taken seriously, Lex started an evil empire and now moonlights with his evil emotronic alternapop band.
Caleb became a software engineer instead of a musician because the type of music he likes best went out of style at the end of the 18th century. Self-taught in music theory, he is more comfortable writing a four-part instrumental fugue than he is writing a verse-chorus-bridge song. After discovering the likes of Weird Al, Dr. Horrible, and especially Jonathan Coulton, he realized that “modern music” can be fun too. Now he is on a quest to update, expand, and diversify his musical knowledge and experience. In addition to singing, he plays a whole family of recorders (not usually all at once) and baroque flute, pretends to play keyboard, and most recently, ukulele. He also uses virtual MIDI instruments because a real orchestra costs too much.
Hailing from a small town in Southern Minnesota, Richard Clayton Spring has risen above the norm, blossoming into a beautiful butterfly of acoustic guitars, pianos, synths, electronic beats, and vocals ranging from the softest of whispers to the yelp of the Great Wolf. The only style of music Richard can’t write incredibly is generic pop music, or else he would be in a limousine drinking champagne with Lady GaGa. But he has acquired an auto-tuner, so he’s working his way there.
Parsons is a 20-year-old student from California. She can leap small buildings in a few bounds. She fears large fish, but for some reason not sharks or whales. Parsons always makes the same New Year’s resolution: to survive to see the next year. So far, this has worked well for her. Parsons comes from an impressive songwriting pedigree: her older brother wrote the song “Blue Moon” in 1934, managing to overcome his crippling dyslexia and the fact that the song was written 51 years before his birth. Parsons’s songwriting influences include Beethoven, The Beatles, and Weird Al. Her sense of humor comes from The Simpsons, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and her frequent injections of concentrated doses of Vitamin K. Parsons hopes to go far in this competition. If she doesn’t emerge victorious, she will be forced to turn to Operation Omega. Nobody wants that to happen.
Melissa and Ian are two amateur musicians with a longtime love of composing and performing classical music. Whether this is useful or relevant for a songwriting competition remains to be seen. They are eagerly awaiting the “Write a song in the style of an obscure Baroque composer” round, ’cause somebody totally told them there would be such a round and why would someone lie like that?
When two musicians marry one another, it’s a wonderful thing. When a multi-instrumental songwriter marries an amazing vocalist, it’s even better. Bud (oldest of three, one insane sibling of each gender) was born and raised in sunny San Diego, CA ““ a drummer first, guitarist second, and just about everything you could imagine third through last. Christin Joy (youngest of four, with 3 older brothers) was born and raised in beautiful Annapolis, MD ““ with the voice of an angel and the compassion to match; she is quite a wonderful singer and writer. The Perfect Place is a Husband/Wife duo that enjoys writing and performing music in their spare time. While their main area of expertise is theologically minded, they have been known to get a little silly from time to time. Masters of Song Fu should prove to be an interesting challenge, one we await with eager anticipation. Woot!
His Name Is Legs is a newly-created rock band comprised of guitarist/vocalist/Song Fu veteran Hazen Nester and bassist Cameron Accola, who collaborated with Nester on two of his previous entries. Born out of a mutual love of Rush and talented musicians in general, His Name Is Legs pledges to provide listeners with an eclectic array of sounds designed to stimulate and elevate. What makes this band unique is that neither Accola nor Nester have ever met each other in person.
To Whom It May Concern: Caleb didn’t want to write his own bio (musicians, eh?) so I will do the honours. After peddling his wares leading the criminally unnoticed Yay For Squares (
With only two members, the name may be misleading, but that seems to be a theme here. Austin Morley and Jeremy Pudak have been playing music together for several years now, and have never really settled on a genre or a name. In their younger days they would draw on rock influences like Rancid or The Ramones. In recent years, they have settled into slightly quieter influences like She & Him and Bob Dylan. Jeremy has always had a talent for the guitar, but Austin was not so lucky and decided to stick with a bass guitar. Austin & The Pudaks will be rocking your face off, but may not actually be in a rock genre. Be careful, as exposure to this amount of awesome has unpredictable effects.
Derrek J. Thompson is an irresponsible and unimportant song-writer and all-around creative type that lives in the middle of nowhere. His hobbies include sleeping and performing Bach at old-folks homes. He plays keyboards in a band called Anthropophobia but they don’t seem to be going anywhere. He hopes to become more disciplined with his creative endeavors as a result of Song Fu.
Over the twelve years since young-ish midwesterner Travis Norris first picked up a guitar, he has played and written music in a wide variety of genres ranging from rock that a-billies, metal of a medium or heavier weight, “outlaw” country (aka “the good kind”) and “frosty” jazz (not a real subgenre). Left to his own devices, something like “U2 meets Jonny Lang meets various two-to-three-hit-wonder bands of the ’90s indie/alternative scene” is what you’ll usually get. Travis’s instrumental talents range from lead guitar, 2nd lead guitar, rhythm guitar, auxiliary guitar, and bass (sorta). He can also drag and drop drum loops like you wouldn’t believe. He comes to this competition armed with three electric guitars, a neglected bass, an Ebow, and absolutely no fan base or public recognition. So be nice, eh? I hear he’s real sensitive when people that aren’t him make fun of him.
Summer days are long. And often hot. Sometimes stormy. Who wants to venture out onto the surface of the sun when you can kick back with some cool lemonade in even cooler air conditioning with a big ol’ batch of DVDs from RiffTrax. If you’re not familiar with RiffTrax, here’s the nutshell version – they’re downloadable Mystery Science Theater 3000-esque audio riffs of movies that you sync up to your DVD, with the comedy provided by MST3K alum Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, & Bill Corbett. Ah, but there’s a clutch of films now hitting stores (and available on RiffTrax.com) where you can buy the DVD with the RiffTrax commentary track included – no syncing, just easy comedy for those sweltering days. The RiffTrax edition films currently on offer are 
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No, I haven’t been able to see this documentary about all the lovely things that go into making our meals but word’s been good for this movie and now you can feel free to talk directly to the director himself. Now, I’m still on the fence about how “interviews” on Twitter can be effective but if any of you give this a whirl and find it useful please let me know. The information for this follows below…
There’s a moment in the movie when you realize that basing a review on its actual mechanics would be a fish/barrel situation.
