FRED Entertainment

Director:Paul Greengrass
Cast: Khalid Abdalla, Opal Alladin, Louis Alsamari, David Alan Basche, Richard Bekins, Starla Benford, Omar Berdouni, Susan Blommaert
Release: April 28, 2006
Synopsis: A real time account of the events on United Flight 93, one of the planes hijacked on 9/11 that crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania when passengers foiled the terrorist plot.

Prognosis: Positive with a dash of doubt. True story: there was a Muslim mosque that just built and opened last year in my neighborhood. Now, if you are accustomed to this then it ain’t nothin’ but a thang but a chicken wing. For me, though, it’s a little different. This is only the second one I’ve ever consciously seen in my life. Every time I drive by it and see those praying inside, on their knees, I can’t help but think about Iraq and 9/11 without fail, every time I do it. I just can’t shake this mental trigger and I’d like to take a temperature check of people out there: Who thinks that this movie reaaaallly needed to be made?

I understand that Oliver Stone and Co. are making their own World Trade Center movie and I am sure that will be a controversy all unto itself but this movie strikes me first as a little unsettling before I even see a frame of the trailer and then, second, as something that doesn’t really seem ready to be put through the machinations of a Hollywood production. Maybe that’s the point of art, to start a discussion over its merits as an interpretation. As such, then, it’s important to see what this movie actually triggers as you watch the trailer unfold.

“8:42 A.M.”

First, I already get a little sweaty in the recesses of my palms when I hear the voice of air traffic control giving flight 93 clearance to take off. If you already have phobias about taking off in these metal fishes and have some clue about what is about to strike these people’s world then you can already assume that the tension this trailer musters is full boar right from the beginning.

The graphics, the illusion that you’re looking at what an air traffic controller sees, of all those planes crisscrossing, their flight plans right on the mark, is simple, minimalist and free from any false hype from Voiceover Guy.

The moment when the sensationalism begins is when those in the towers start asking for a sit rep (I cannot say for sure if this was done in post-production or pulled from the actual tape) and get nothing back. The sonar blips, the white ghost trail triggering more emotion, is really effective as a narrative device as you know the plane’s course will soon make a U-turn back towards the east coast and, thus, where the drama will start rushing in.

I’m not too far off the mark as the air traffic controller chatter steps aside in the trailer’s presentation and we get the passengers themselves. If you listen carefully before that, though, you hear one of the hijackers say they have a bomb.

Next sound is of a phone ringing, the LED plane still turning in the background, and of a woman’s voice. She tells her sweetness that her plane has been hijacked. The sound field comes alive as we hear things about 2 planes, World Trade Center and all sorts of mumbles among those who are now on the flight. The talk from the shock of the whole event turns to mob mentality as the passengers start plotting their overthrow.

The plane’s LED symbol makes its way to the right of the screen as we get closer and closer to the image.

“09.11.2001”

The chatter reaches a fever pitch when, at the end, one of the women on board tells a loved one on the other end that they are about to storm the cockpit. The echo used at the end of her “I love you” was wholly unnecessary, in my opinion; very gauche and uncalled for. The parting shot, the only picture, of those on the plane all in their seats? I don’t know but it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I did love director Paul Greengrass’ BLOODY SUNDAY quite a bit and I hope that he’s able to do some of that very same thing here; showing respect for the event and trying to be as faithful as one can be to what really happened.

Director:Kate Montgomery
Cast: M. Emmet Walsh, Timothy Vahle, Mariana Tosca, Sam Vlahos, Sheila Tousey
Release: December 2, 2005
Synopsis: A classic comedy of mistaken identity and romance set during the holiday season at a ski resort that is owned and operated by a Native American Nation. Shot on location at The Sundance Resort in Utah, this is the first contemporary romantic comedy to feature an almost entirely American Indian cast.

Prognosis: Sheepishly in love with this trailer. Yes, it’s almost February. Yes, this film came out almost a month ago. Yes, this may seem like I missed the boat while sleeping on the dock but I am a fan of this trailer.

I cannot control these things. I understand if you want me to turn in my sidearm and badge after reading this.

Really, when something strikes me in a way that makes me feel something good (I do try and keep the negativity around here to a low din) I want to see if I can’t find a way to let others know about it. Thus, this is what brings my gift to you in the form of this trailer for a film about mistaken identity.

I know, this storytelling technique has been used so much you might as well call it Hollywood’s Whore but I petition the court to let me try and explain how this one is different.

First of all, movies about the Native American experience have been limited. Sure, you have Sherman Alexie’s SMOKE SIGNALS which was not only an engaging story but it was poignant. You’ve got Rick Schroder’s movie that came out last year about an Indian boxer called BLACK CLOUD. You’ve also got THE NEW WORLD with Colin Farrell. However, all of these flicks had a kind of a serious undertone. Not that it’s bad but, damn, sometimes I want to pop the cranium into neutral and let you do all the work. This is where this movie comes in.

The trailer is good, in its own way, of getting right down to business with what’s going on. In the matter of 20 seconds you get that some old coot was pen pals (Who the hell are really pen pals anymore, anyway? Was this screenplay written in the 50s?) with this great looking woman. Ray is this codger’s son who looks more like the Love Connection match than he does and who runs an Indian resort for a living. Now, some representative from a prestigious travel guide is coming to the resort, played by none other than Coach Turnbull from BACK TO SCHOOL (Has anyone else slowed down that footage in that part of the movie to see that it was cold enough to see his breath? You can fool some of the people some of the time”¦), and is being expected by the staff from the resort.

Now, things get sticky when we’re told everyone is mistaking everyone for everyone else but normally here I roll my eyes and move on to something else worthy to talk about but I don’t. I find myself enjoying the comedy of errors.

Quickly following this we get a glance of some lovely ladies admiring the hired help, here played by a guy desperately trying to cut some wood with an ax, and when he takes off his shirt in hopes of impressing the women his ax doesn’t quite”¦perform. It’s so juvenile but I laugh. It amused me.

Popping in from out of nowhere is the label that this movie was selected for the Sundance Film Festival. Impressive but, come on, be proud. This needed to be one of the first things out of the gate, especially when there isn’t really anyone famous to hang your hat on. Just a suggestion”¦

“They have dreams, you know. Just like us”¦”

What’s more is this movie’s chef. Now I have always been partial to funny chefs, the first inspiration to me being the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show, and this guy is no different. When a customer compliments said chef on the taste of a cooked bird the guy doesn’t miss a beat by not only giving the animal’s name but that he was also a pet. This, too, amused me.

It’s not going to change film, it’s not out to break serious ground, it’s just looks like something you could take your mom to see and judging by the fare that’s been bursting out of the cineplex in these winter months it’s nice to have this kind of option.

Director: Michael Haneke
Cast: Juliette Binoche, Daniel Auteuil, Maurice Bnichou
Release: January 11, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: Georges, who hosts a TV literary review, receives packages containing videos of himself with his family – shot secretly from the street – and alarming drawings whose meaning is obscure. He has no idea who may be sending them. Gradually, the footage on the tapes becomes more personal.

Prognosis: French has never read so good. I like Juliette Binoche.

Sometimes having an international interest in the restorative powers of an actress who could handle herself no matter what part of the world she’s in makes me feel like the world isn’t nearly as complex as I think it is.

Case in point is here in this trailer. When and if you’ve seen CHOCOLAT, first of all I apologize, you know how much of a sensation that flick caused among women of a certain advanced age, the way that film did as well as it did was because it connected with people. This movie seems to do the same thing, made thousands of miles away, but with an entirely different premise.

The opening shot of the trailer is unique because we’re not looking at the pre-fabricated shot of a director who wants to establish their own vision but we are looking at an actual bit of the storyline; everything that it’s predicated on rests with this seemingly static shot of a an apartment.

However, one of the more distracting things about this trailer is that even before we’re given that shot we have to endure a few seconds worth of establishing, as slow as possible against a black background, what pedigree this film has. What festivals this movie has played at, how awesome it is, how many people thought this was the best, etc, is only as effective as the person who made the trailer. When you draw too much attention to it then it becomes a distraction and, unfortunately, this movie is riddled with slow moving and slow written hand jobs to this flick.

But, when the screen comes up and you see the apartment and you don’t know what is going on, you are at first confused but intrigued because there is nothing going on. The next shot is of a family having dinner with one another, ostensibly the ones living in the apartment itself. Screen fades to black and everything gets quiet as we sit through a mini-review, like it or not, from the New York Times.

Things get freaky when we find out that the guy who owns the place gets a video that runs 2 hours of the same footage we saw at the beginning. The husband and wife can’t explain or account for who sent it to them. Screen fades to black and everything gets quiet for yet another mini-review.

What seems to start out quite slow and exacting at first starts to speed up as this anonymous stalker begins to interfere with the husband and wife’s life. Whoever it is starts to send tapes to colleagues of this guy and thus begins a slow destruction of his life. Paranoia, pain and anger start to feed all into these people’s life and it is sharply captured in the last part of this trailer.

So what that it’s in French? As long as there is a good story afoot I am always in the mood for a little light reading.

Director: Eugene Jarecki
Cast: Ken Adelman, Joseph Cirincione, Anh Duong, Gwynne Dyer, John SD Eisenhower, Susan Eisenhower, Donna Ellington, Chalmers Johnson, William Kristol, Karen Kwiatkowski, Charles Lewis, John McCain
Release: January 20, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: He may have been the ultimate icon of 1950s conformity and postwar complacency, but Dwight D. Eisenhower was an iconoclast, visionary, and the Cassandra of the New World Order. Upon departing his presidency, Eisenhower issued a stern, cogent warning about the burgeoning “military industrial complex,” foretelling with ominous clarity the state of the world in 2004 with its incestuous entanglement of political, corporate, and Defense Department interests.

Prognosis: Yesssss. If John McCain ran for president I am almost positive I would vote for that dude.

To hear him talk about issues that matter you can readily come to the conclusion that he really knows not only of what he speaks but that he has the scars, physically and emotionally, to take down any half-cocked panty waste like Rick Santorum in a steel cage match.

When this trailer opens up and you see Eisenhower saying that the people of America need to protect itself against the military industrial complex nearly 45 years ago you come to same conclusions I do: homeboy was right.

And, I have to give it up, the flash to a black screen, violins providing their manufactured tension all on their own, and the quick display that this is was a Sundance selection is perfectly timed. Get in, get out and get on with it.

Next we’ve got my boy McClain telling people what they already know about how the ideal America is supposed to work: our job isn’t to start fights but we have the power to spread democracy (not that anyone has ever sent us letters in bottles begging us to shoot over some of that good old fashioned De-Moc-Ro-Cey but that’s neither here nor there) all over the globe.

Big ups to the shots of the stealth bomber, ready to spread some of that democracy all over the glass parking lot it just created 5 fully armed fighters ago, and the quick display of the three quarters of a trillion dollar figure; there were a lot of zeroes on the screen.

The next part of this movie’s propaganda, and it is propaganda, don’t you let anyone tell you different or otherwise, talks about how lucrative war is to those who are able to get a piece of the spending pie. Frontline, my warm teddy of news programs which will always get dropped in this column like an atom bomb when it’s necessary, did a serious eye-opening expose on how Halliburton has profited from this “skirmish” in the mid-east. Profits indeed.

Now, among the cherry-picked sound bites from those who have seen this movie you have got some of the most interesting imagery which contrasts nicely the images from the first part of this trailer. You see modern day troops carrying each other out of vile battle conditions in Iraq as you’ve got voiceovers telling us all about that this is not about Bush or Clinton, it’s an all-of-us kind of problem.

One of the most poignant messages of this trailer is that war is increasingly becoming more privatized and codified. It’s one thing to have an organization like the Army controlling the all stages of integration but when outsourcing becomes a buzzword and then becomes how they do business on a day-to-day business this documentary becomes ever more relevant to public discourse regarding how and why we conduct our affairs as a nation.

Director:Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell, Eddie Griffin, Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge, Sophie Monk
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: From the writers of “Scary Movie” and “Spy Hard” comes this spoof on romantic comedies. Hannigan plays the lead, while Campbell plays her romantic interest. Griffin is Hannigan’s father, while Coolidge and Willard are Campbell’s parents.

Prognosis: Negative. I guess there is a market for this kind of thing. I know it’s not anywhere near my market but I am sure there is one.

What I don’t understand about this trailer, and I’ll entertain anyone else’s thoughts on this, is that we begin this spoof-laden flick with Kelis’ “Milkshake” and we don’t seem able to let go of this one joke. For the life of me I can’t see how whipping this dead horse with a cat-o-nine-tails does any good.

Oh, I did leave out the part that Alyson Hannigan plays a woman who is morbidly obese, a la Bridget Jones’s Diary, who is on the lookout for love. Now, fat suits aside, we have this hip hop track being played over scenes of Alyson cavorting and writhing for the un-delight of construction workers, one of which shoots himself in the head with an air powered nail gun. She does the same for a gaggle of firemen who subsequently hose her down.

There is one moment when she thinks she has found her mate, a rotund looking man who looks back at her longingly. Now, even though there isn’t a single word spoken between these two, the dude doesn’t acknowledge her but does return the gaydar ping to an equally plump guy who quickly turns his bitch around and does that ass-smacking dance move which I believe lost its cultural significance during an episode of Must-See-TV sometime last year when it was appropriated for white consumption.

Alyson next offers her mammary goods to Ackbar the taxi driver but, like every sight gag here, her loosely contained breasts manage to wrap themselves around her back much to the horrific shock of our Middle Eastern friend.

Does this have anything to do with the plot, loose as it is already going to be, or give me any reason why I should spend many dollars to see this latest production from 2 of the six writers of SCARY MOVIE? No, it’s admission that we’re only getting a fraction of the writing team is a bold reveal but I can see where two heads aren’t as good as six.

Oh, but at the half-way point we are finally treated to a real scene of the movie, here spoofing MEET THE FOCKERS, and we are treated to another homosexual innuendo when we discover that Alyson’s current man lost his virginity to the housekeeper who happens to be a guy. I am glad that we have evolved as a species that we can still delight in giggles like this. But, whatever, right? This is a comedy!

We are then blasted with spoofs of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, which is pathetically awful, some jabbing at HITCH, a fairly weak attack considering the flimsiness of the source material, and a bitch slap of Pimp My Ride that feels as fresh as a week old banana that’s been left to rot in the Sahara.

The remaining bits of this trailer shove as many references to past films as possible and, as I try and search inward for what I’m feeling, I have an epiphany of what this feels like: a bad Weird Al album. At least with Al I could count on there being a sweet accordion solo.

And I can’t help but make a comment that any trailer which incorporates jokes about Michael Jackson or the size of J-Lo’s ass are not funny, they’re just stale and lazy.

Director:Alexandre Aja
Cast: Aaron Stanford, Ted Levine, Kathleen Quinlan, Vinessa Shaw, Emilie de Ravin, Dan Byrd, Robert Joy, Ezra Buzzington
Release: March 10, 2006
Synopsis: A new take on Wes Craven’s 1977 film of the same name, “The Hills Have Eyes” is the story of a family road trip that goes terrifyingly awry when the travelers become stranded in a government atomic zone. Miles from nowhere, the Carters soon realize the seemingly uninhabited wasteland is actually the breeding ground of a blood-thirsty mutant family…and they are the prey.

Prognosis: Wicked. I listened to this wicked awesome radio documentary about the history of Las Vegas on NPR. One of the things that was brought up about the evolution of that fine city was the hydrogen bomb program the government was running and which had a fondness for dropping things. Specifically, the bombs were dropped in the early morning hours and lit the sky as if it were daytime; hotels had bomb parties to promote these odd occurrences. Well, as is a lot of things the government did without thinking, the flakes which dripped fallout all across that great land resulted in many a person falling prey to physical maladies, usually fatal.

One of the best things about this trailer is that it sets things up fairly interesting. It posits that one of the other “ranges” where bomb testing started in the late 40’s and continued though the 90’s resulted in mutations. Now, mutations, instead of the reality being cancer or other less sensational occurrences, that’s groovy. I can get behind mutations. STRANGE BREW? When Doug turned into that fleshy-headed mutant? That I could believe and I believe it here.

True, the footage used is fairly stock in nature and there isn’t anything from the actual film yet I am intrigued by the premise.

“July 17, 2005″

I am also giving this trailer some credit in taking what should be a torrent of slash and burn quick cut footage, de regur for many a horror film, and going in the other direction. We get some soundtrack by the Mamas and the Papas, an unusual choice, but it’s daring and it wants to establish a sense of place. The sheer scope of the New Mexico desert, which in all reality really is a wasteland of suck, shown here makes one feel awfully alone.

There is some treading on hackneyed territory with this family coming upon a gas station that I think no decent person would stop at just because of the crazies that have been shown in movies like this.

It’s all forgiven quickly as the beat of the trailer starts to get into that area when you’ve either achieved the ability to get scary or you have the skills to ramp up the scariness to an 11. This trailer is the latter and it’s good.

The sound mix, the delicate balance of quick cuts and the payoff of seeing who our mutant attackers are is just beautifully executed here.

One of the best things about watching things just getting crazy is that you get a whole lot of things to try and focus on. Now, while I usually eschew this technique there is an excitement about the events that lead up to this moment. These people’s lives are going to be terrorized by mutants and you can feel the palpitations through the screen.

The technique here at the end is closely related to that which I appreciated at the end of the trailer for DAWN OF THE DEAD with the sensation that the film is about to break or stop at any moment. It’s effectiveness cannot be better expressed than by watching this trailer just try and get some kind of reaction that usually takes a while to achieve in the eventual picture itself.

Not a coherent word is spoken in the last half of this trailer but it’s all understood by the end.

Director: Dennis Dugan
Cast: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Tim Meadows, Craig Kilborn, Adam Sandler
Release: April 7, 2006
Synopsis: THE BENCHWARMERS tells the story of three guys who try to make up for their lack of athleticism when they were younger by forming a three-man baseball team to challenge a full squad of elementary school baseballers. They develop a large following of left-out kids as they head for a high-stakes, winner-take-all game with the best team of kids in the state.

Prognosis: Just stab my eyes. For real. Are dudes getting shot in the nuts with various items still funny in this post-modern, post-America’s Funniest Home Set-Ups still viable comedic devices?

No, they’re not, and this trailer’s use of it is not only lame but the fact that this trailer cribs the visage of the holy Wrigley Field, dragging it in the suck along with everything else, is blasphemous.

This trailer takes the opening tack that baseball is this sport of history and greatness. Any time that a piece of movie advertising begins by being overly dramatic, utilizing slo-mo shots, while pumping in the cheesy timpani drums you know that you’re going to get the moment when all that ends and you get The Punchline. The Punchline, heretofore known as such, is that bit when the “gotcha” moment happens and you get one of the lead characters tossing out a bon mot, totally revealing this was all a joke. That moment happens here when one of the peeps in the movie gets knocked in the skull with a fly ball with Napoleon Dynamite, rocking a sweet bike helmet, adding his own distain.

Now, as we get introduced to everyone in this merry band of idiots, of course each one has an odd personality and really embodies the outsider/underdog vibe, we get that these dudes are going to go up against some little kids in order to control the playing rights of a baseball field.

The setup reeks of a BAD NEWS BEARS wannabe mixed in with a healthy dollop of shit. Even Dynamite drops the word poo and I am not sure if this is a carryover from his psychic character from that romantic comedy FAR FROM HEAVEN with his abiltiy to see what this flick really is or if it’s just an innate ability to portend the obvious. Either way, the movie just devolves from here.

The kids they’re playing are a lot better than the three dudes who comprise their team and I am amazed that there isn’t anything spliced in here to at least create the illusion of funniness; although, I did a lift out seeing Rob Schneider taking out a kid with a line drive to the chest.

I’m surprised to find out that this isn’t the end of the movie but just one part of this densely layered comedic masterpiece. Jon Lovitz enters the picture and somehow has something to do with telling these guys that if they beat all the teams in the league”¦something happens. I apologize but I didn’t really pay attention to what’s at stake here in this fake story.

The training these dudes get before their “big game” against Craig Kilborn’s team, as it’s broken down in this trailer, give up enough slapstick to make those who have kept Adam Sandler’s production company well satisfied. The hot potato extended scene is about all you need to know about what is going on in this movie. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing, good thing or a portent about the decline of Western Civilization but its execution is just by-the-numbers.

Director: Jason Reitman
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Maria Bello, Cameron Bright, Adam Brody, Sam Elliott, Katie Holmes, David Koechner, Rob Lowe, William H. Macy, JK Simmons, Robert Duvall
Release: March 17, 2006
Synopsis: The hero of THANK YOU FOR SMOKING is Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart), chief spokesman for Big Tobacco, who makes his living defending the rights of smokers and cigarette makers in today’s neo-puritanical culture. Confronted by health zealots out to ban tobacco and an opportunistic senator (William H. Macy) who wants to put poison labels on cigarette packs, Nick goes on a PR offensive, spinning away the dangers of cigarettes on TV talk shows and enlisting a Hollywood super-agent (Rob Lowe) to promote smoking in movies. Nick’s newfound notoriety attracts the attention of both tobacco’s head honcho (Robert Duvall) and an investigative reporter for an influential Washington daily (Katie Holmes). Nick says he is just doing what it takes to pay the mortgage, but he begins to think about how his work makes him look in the eyes of his young son Joey (Cameron Bright).

Prognosis: First movie I’m looking forward to in ’06. Aaron Eckhart is a demon. Pure and simple, Aaron exudes the kind of sinister evilness that makes him irresistible on the one hand and wickedly dangerous on the other.

This trailer plays up both facets of Aaron’s natural abilities as an actor and the subject matter couldn’t have been more apropos.

One of the very first things that you notice about the presentation here is that Aaron takes over the role of Voiceover Guy. What could’ve been a fairly straightforward narrative piece takes on a first person angle that, while it takes a little bit of time to find out who Aaron is, works well. His prosaic statement that he’s not an M.D. or that he doesn’t possess a law degree, while admitting to possessing a bachelor’s in “kicking butt,” is a bit juvenile but I think that’s the point.

The visuals of how this film is a selected flick at this year’s Sundance Film Festival gives us a quick inclination that we are talking about tobacco. Now, once we figure this out as a collective whole, Aaron pipes in by telling us he’s paid to talk; and looking like the devil in his three piece suit and beguiling smile which I am sure many women, or dudes, have fallen prey to.

I will give the comedic advantage, just barely, to Aaron for taking down a schoolgirl when he says what he does for a living, which is to say, a shill for the tobacco company.

Things heat up for me when we next see Aaron sharing a dinner with the rest of the MOD squad, or Merchants of Death, being his cohorts for Alcohol and Firearms inside the federal government. The visuals of the liquor bottle and pistol over their heads are a nice compliment to the framed shot.

One of the things that this trailer also does well, besides playing to Aaron’s character, is moving from one thing to the other without getting bogged down in extended moments. True, absolutely true, that sometimes it works really well but, inversely, if done right, those of us who like our ADD moments are warmly served a nice treat with the slickness of how well we are escorted from one moment to another.

Aaron’s proclamation to a room full of executives that Hollywood needs to send out messages that smoking is cool makes you wonder how far his character has fallen down the rabbit hole. Pretty damn far if he’s debating and deflecting the issue of death by cholesterol with William H. Macy who’s the representative from Vermont, a state that ostensibly kills more people with their cheese than Aaron’s cigarettes.

It’s nice to see that even a movie, which really feels like a satire that’s got its angles all worked out, also incorporates animations in its trailer. This is such a small thing, I know, but life is all about the little things and to see this kind of film treated with a flashy flair.

“That’s the beauty of arguing”¦if you argue correctly you’re never wrong.”

Props, as well, for the trailer makers co-opting The Kids In The Hall’s use of the absurd character of Cancer Boy when Aaron is on a talk show defending cigarette smoking and brushing aside a dying boy’s health condition.

It’s almost too much when Aaron draws similarities between Michael Jordan’s ability to play basketball, Charles Manson’s predilection for killing people and his ability to talk; I can see how the two former go together but I am floored by how straight this movie is going to be played.

And, to really leave a healthy shine, Aaron and media mogul Rob Lowe have a discussion about how to have cigarette smoking look cool in a sci-fi picture. Aaron, to his credit, mentions the issue of smoking in all oxygen environment and that they would all blow up. It doesn’t phase Rob in the least as he says all he’ll need to do is add a line of dialogue that says, “Thank God we invented the”¦” and the two of them are deliciously satiated with their quick thinking.

Nice.

Director: Paul Weitz
Cast: Hugh Grant, Dennis Quaid, Mandy Moore, Marcia Gay Harden, Chris Klein, Jennifer Coolidge, Seth Meyers, John Cho, Judy Greer, Sam Golzari and Willem Dafoe
Release: April 14, 2006
Synopsis: On the morning of his re-election, the President (Quaid) decides to read the newspaper for the first time in four years. This starts him down a slippery slope. He begins reading obsessively, reexamining his black and white view of the world, holing up in his bedroom in his pajamas. Frightened by the President’s apparent nervous breakdown, his Chief of Staff (Dafoe) pushes him back into the spotlight, booking him as a guest judge on the television ratings juggernaut (and the President’s personal fave), the weekly talent show American Dreamz.

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Prognosis: Negative. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that anyone who takes liberty with their spelling, as is the case with this movie’s title, it just comes off as juvenile no matter how clever it is.

American Dreamz? It’s just plain lazy titling. It’s sounds like a failed hip-hop act from the early 90’s.

The card in the opening sequence is milquetoast. It feels like when they state this movie is coming from the same guy who directed ABOUT A BOY, AMERICAN PIE and IN GOOD COMPANY it’s done with a shrug of the shoulders as if to say, “Yeah, he’s done these. They’re good.” Odd.

We’re introduced to Dennis Quaid, Randy’s less retarded brother, who appears to be the president of the United States. We’re given a moment with the prez, see how clever that s dropping can be, where we establish he’s an idiot. I don’t know whether to wonder what in the hell is happening with this picture or just assume that people must love caricatures of the president, even though it’s true, being a bumbling town idiot.

Swiftly, we’re whisked away to a Hollywood back lot where Hugh Grant, seems like we’re getting all of Paul’s past players, is playing Simon Cowell. American Dreamz is a singing show like American Idol and he’s the host of this program but the twist here, get this, he DOESN’T REALLY want to do it. That’s Hollywood, people. You take an already retched example of how American culture sucks ass and you put a cork in that ass and sell it as an original idea. As the Guinness dudes would say: Brilliant. Utterly crap brilliant.

I am entertained, though, by Mandy Moore’s display of fake intensity when a camera crew comes to her door and tells her that she’s a contestant on the show. For all the mediocre fluff she’s been in I seem to really have a soft spot for hand of female aloofness. She’s got a bubbly spirit and energy that just can’t be contained but like a sky that parts to let the sunshine in I am greeted by a twister of badness as soon as we leave her.

What happens next is perplexing: Dennis is a president who hasn’t made a public appearance in over three weeks, some people saying he’s lost his mind (imagine that”¦). Willem is 2nd in charge and mentions that he go on Dreamz (it hurts to even write that) and be a guest judge while an Arab-American who is the show is asked to be a terrorist suicide bomber by his father for when the president actually shows up.

I can’t make this up. I just can’t understand who is allowed to try and sell this to the public. Even the musical montage at the end of this thing, which is really just an excuse to put some music behind unrelated images to try and sex up a trailer, just leaves me limp.

I’m just disappointed that this is coming from the mind of the guy who brought us AMERICAN PIE, ABOUT A BOY and IN GOOD COMPANY. I can’t say I’m surprised but I am disappointed.

Director:Ron Howard
Cast: Tom Hanks, Jean Reno, Audrey Tatou
Release: May 19, 2006
Synopsis: While in Paris on business, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Hanks) receives an urgent late-night phone call: the elderly curator of the Louvre has been murdered inside the museum. Near the body, police have found a baffling cipher. Solving the enigmatic riddle, Langdon is stunned to discover it leads to a trail of clues hidden in the works of Da Vinci – clues visible for all to see, and yet ingeniously disguised by the painter. Langdon joins forces with a gifted French cryptologist, Sophie Neveu (Tautou), and learns the late curator was involved in the Priory of Sion – an actual secret society. In a breathless race through Paris, London and beyond, Langdon and Neveu match wits with a faceless powerbroker who appears to work for Opus Dei – a clandestine, Vatican-sanctioned Catholic organization believed to have long plotted to seize the Priory’s secret. Unless Langdon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle in time, the Priory’s secret – and a stunning historical truth – will be lost forever.

Prognosis: Bestseller Positivity. Is it rude of me to say that I am not a fan of bestseller fiction? It it snooty?

I do likes me some books which have entered popular culture but my interests never seem to veer into what mass culture deems as teh awesome.

Dan Brown is a good example why I just can’t get into these kinds of stories. Sure, it’s packed full of Indiana Jones like explosiveness but it doesn’t inform the human condition in ways I like my stories to do. This trailer, though, piques the very thing inside of me of why I AM a healthy consumer of mainstream film.

I may not like my books to be superfluous but I do likes me my movies to be that way.

And what a way to start things off than with a smoky woodwind instrument in the back as you’ve got some Latin chanting nabob who’s into self-mutilation. I don’t know what’s up with that but this religio who likes whipping his own backside is quickly replaced by a wandering, meandering display of some English gardens.

These gardens are populated with the academic speak of some dude who is trying to explain something about mankind, secrets and how everything will unravel if people catch wind of blah blah blah.

Who cares about any of that, right? We want our NATIONAL TREASURE of 2006. People loved the sight of balding older dudes with torches going on scavenger hunts but this trailer only teases us with the goods.

We get some long, rectangular box that seems mysterious and spooky, we get the Last Supper shown to us for reasons which the more learned of you (those who have read the book) can tell me but the show stopper here is the visage of a very pensive looking Tom Hanks with a hairdo that borders on MacGyver-esque. Color me intrigued, people.

I also really like the moment here when we see Old Man River running though a darkened art museum in the middle of the night. He’s hoofing it as hard as he can, his click-clacking feet on the hardwood floor building up the intensity of the faceless assailant, and then, as the screen goes black, a gunshot. What makes this moment even better, other than seeing all these European po-po’s in their cars with the singular blue lights, is taking in the greatness that is Jean Reno. I’m hoping he’s on the bad side of the law but one can only hope.

And, woah!, we get a dead naked guy on the floor who’s in the middle of what looks like a devil’s sacrifice. He’s all sorts of cut up and dripping with blood but before I squeal like a little girl there is the always filmicly delicious Audrey Tautou.

The final moments of this trailer are chock full of tidbits which only pique my interest in what could be one of the best adult oriented films to come out in a while. Yes, the book it was based on is not going to change the way American literature is going to evolve and Ron Howard’s name is not equitable to those of Scorsese, Coppola or Roger Corman but this does, honestly, look like another solid outing from little Opie.

Director: Wolfgang Petersen
Cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell, Emmy Rossum, Mike Vogel, Josh Lucas, Mia Maestro, Freddy Rodriguez, Kevin Dillon, Jacinda Barrett, Jimmy Bennett, Andre Braugher
Release: May 12, 2006
Synopsis: When a rogue wave capsizes a luxury cruise ship in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean, a small group of survivors find themselves unlikely allies in a battle for their lives. As the unstable vessel rapidly floods with water, they face unimaginable odds and life-altering decisions in their desperate fight to the surface.

Prognosis: No. I know this is a remake.

I also know that this movie feels like TITANIC but without the obligatory tit shot of Kate Winslet. What we do get, though, is a shot of Fergie from Kids Incorporated, now the Black Eyed Peas, shaking her groove thing on the stage.

I don’t really have great expectations for a movie like this. I think it all stems from the need that many execs have of just rehashing old material and whatever you read with people who are in this production, who the hell hasn’t felt the power of the Poseidon Diaries and all their on-set glory from the Internet noobs who were allowed to talk to people from the film, that this was done because it was such an amazing script. Like Sick Boy from TRAINSPOTTING would say, “Shite.”

But, let’s take the ride knowing full well we’re riding over old territory. It’s a fun trailer. I’ll give it that. There’s a certain sense of tension when DUETS impresario Andre Braugher (Chicago’s own as well”¦wOOt”¦) starts talking about the history of Poseidon. The mood is good, the music choice is appropriate and even the sight of Richard Dreyfus is enough to rattle my notion that this is a wholesale raping of an old classic.

The countdown by everyone on board, ratcheting up the danger level of things, in a slo-mo display of all the major players of this thing is a little odd to me. I don’t know why I care but this seems to be a Love Boat of all things beautiful. I mean, really, there isn’t an ugly person on this ship. Even the dudes behind the scenes in the sonar room look like they were yanked from THE FIFTH ELEMENT (Quite possibly one of the worst and useless movies in history. It actually makes the case as to why originality might be seen as overrated).

So, all these pretty people are in danger; from what I haven’t a clue but I’m sure it’s going to be made out to be twice as big from the original. Oh, and I really love that there is a card that reads that this is coming to us from “the acclaimed director of TROY and THE PERFECT STORM.” Please. Who are you bullshit? That’s right, the brainless motards who you’re hoping didn’t see either movie.

Even though I couldn’t stop laughing after the “acclaimed” comment I stopped enough to admire the same computer program that creates the fake wave that’s capsizing the fake ship. It’s really impressive the way the tsunami sized CGI wave rocks the fake Poseidon. The moment is honestly done pretty well and the way people are tossed around as the ship goes down is rendered quite nicely.

The actual snippets of people getting all sorts of heroic as they’re trying to save one another is cute; they all have their dramatic personae faces on and ready to show the world what thousands of dollars spent at Earl Shatftsby House of Performance Arts can do. There’s a lot of screaming, a lot of posturing, a lot of “I’m not going to lose you!” happening and it’s all well and good. I even like the moment when the power goes out on the whole ship and everything fades to black, silence.

I don’t know if I’m going to allow myself to be duped into actually going but this is not a good way to start trying to convince me this isn’t just about cashing in.

Director: J. J. Abrams
Cast: Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames, Laurence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, Michelle Monaghan, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Keri Russell, Maggie Q
Release: May 5, 2006
Synopsis: Tom Cruise returns as Special Agent Ethan Hunt, who faces the mission of his life in MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III. Director J. J. Abrams (“Lost,” “Alias”) brings his unique blend of action and drama to the billion-dollar franchise.

Prognosis: Hilarious. Bill Hicks.

What a guy.

I think he would take a look at Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s portrayal of an evil antagonist, symbolically twisting his moustache in a “Mu-ha-ha” fashion, in this obvious empty, vapid and culturally insignificant movie after his ploy for critical recognition in CAPOTE and demand a debate about whether Phillip deserves to be on the artist roll-call list. For my money, I would consider this grounds for his membership to be revoked and sent to Xenu for immediate attitudinal destruction. No, I don’t think I’m so cool or deserving to be so critical but please, after looking at this trailer, you can’t tell me for one moment that all of Phillip’s choices are made on the quality of the screenplay based on this flick. And, if it is, and this happens to be the LOGAN’S RUN of the 2000’s then I will happily eat each and every word.

But, let’s take this one from the P.O.V. of your average action bumpkin who’s looking for a good time out at the talkies.

I’m not sure what it means that Phillip is handcuffed with Hefty twist-ties. His over-acting of his “dangerous” role here doesn’t really have the kind of spooky impact it was searching for. I think that he was more of a danger in a movie like SCENT OF A WOMAN when he was lording his social status over the here-today-gone-tomorrow-after-an-obnoxious-Robin-costume-outing Chris O’Donnell. But, whatever, he’s our nemesis and he’s trying to get it done.

Next, we’re entertained with this movie’s love interest as she slo-mos in and out of pretty person poses. I think at first she’s modeling for some feminine hygiene commercial, her smile unnaturally lingers on the screen for far too long, but then Tom comes in, rocking his super Timex timepiece, all smooth like he’s some player.

Somehow, and I don’t know how this happens, but we go from black night to an almost bawling Cruise as Hoffman escapes in the middle of the day. I’m sure this will be explained later but I’m all out of sorts with what’s happening.

We get a lot of Tom running around like a monkey on the loose, as a car blows up in a flourish of flames, Cruise taking the initiative to take a gun and point it at something. I don’t why it’s so hard to just slow things down a little, just a little bit, to give me bearing. Otherwise, what you have here is just an orgy of action. I love things like this, and I may be a little too harsh in my need for less of an ADD type of teaser and just a smidgen of context but that’s just me.

I do like Tom plunging upside down to his death, his bat-belt no doubt stocked for moments like this, and the pictures of him enjoying his speed boating in some undisclosed European locale. He’s having a good time, the orange Lamborghini which is no doubt being used to transport his female beard, er, girlfriend, but there is one image, in particular, I love so much.

If you slow things down, for a split second, you see Cruise decked out in a priest’s frock. It is no doubt a disguise but it makes me laugh on the inside as I know, for a fact, that Cruise is right; no one would believe he would have anything to do with an organized religion like Catholicism. Too right, my friend, and so subversive.

And in the end, after Tom is blasted into the side of a car after an explosion rocks him into a car (nice effect”¦) and Ving Rhames slaps Cruise’s hand saying, “Welcome back, bra”¦.”? Come on, we all know Tom is never coming back, ever.

Director:Brett Ratner
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Shawn Ashmore, Daniel Cudmore, Alan Cumming, Famke Janssen, James Marsden, Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Release: May 26, 2006
Synopsis: When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier’s former ally, Magneto (McKellen).

Prognosis: I can’t lie, this is just one funny trailer. Let’s see why this movie, and you can quote me on this, will not achieve the same kind of fiscal success and adoration that the first two films achieved.

One reason why this movie will not engender the same kind of proud geek ownership of mutants done right is all in Kelsey Grammer’s make-up job. He looks like a cross between a Blue Man Group stage production of Beauty and the Beast and, well, a Smurf version of the Thriller video.

Now, I’ll be nice with the music that opens things up. It’s really good, minimalist background noise that offers a different approach to the Taiko drumming which usually accompanies so many action flick trailers. It’s sparse but it’s quite effective in driving the mood of the action on the screen.

Further, even though, by its nature, this is a teaser trailer we linger for a while too long on the opening image of an X-Door. I don’t know why the pause so excruciatingly long to me but when you watch and re-watch this trailer you see that there isn’t a reason for it.

We then see our principal players walking with their superhero swagger on the screen. Now, I don’t know if anyone else will find this amusing but the shot of the full team walking in the underground lair of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters almost looks like the result of a game called, “Whose Agent Is Strongest?” You’ve got Halle Berry, an almost perfunctory character in both previous films that really should’ve been killed off, taking point. I don’t know why this is the case as she’s useless to the plot. You’ve got Hugh Jackman following up but, with better reason, should’ve been the main focus as I don’t see STORM: THE LIGHTNING STRIKES being made into a film anytime soon whereas Hugh’s got a nice payday coming because he knows how to shake it on the screen. And then you’ve got Anna Paquin and the rest of the funky bunch strolling behind them as if it’s a portent of who’s going to get playing time in this movie versus everyone else.

Speaking of playing time, I think that the next scene of people fighting in what looks like the borrowed, apocalyptic remnants from the set of TERMINATOR 1 and 2 is actually of the danger room. I could be wrong but Hugh’s noticeable indifference to it all could be that it is all fake or that he’s lost all hope that he has to shuck and jive alongside a furry travesty that looks like it was constructed with blue spray paint and pubes or that Halle whined so damned much about wanting more screen time.

Next we get our glimpse of Angel. I liked Six Feet Under. I liked the ending of that show so much that it may have very well been the greatest ending to a program in recent memory but Ben Foster was downright creepy as all hell. I know actors are paid to play parts but he freaked me out with his whole confused sexuality/stalker/suicidal persona that I just imagine Angel is going to have some intimacy issues or that he’s going to be caught giving a good rogering to the entire aviary population of the San Francisco Zoo.

Magneto’s presence is pretty nice while the car flipping trick he does with his powers is, well, unoriginal; I just wished there was something a little more “flashy” he could do. Now, and this is fucking hilarious, go to the part right after this when Magneto is addressing some of his tribe in the middle of the forest. Pause it. Okay, okay, off to the right yeah there’s Jean Grey. She’s alive, that’s great, whatever, but on the other side, way over to the left, you’ve got Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. He’s standing there with his super duper helmet next to his side but he also seems to have super abs. I mean, holy hell, one ab stretches the length of his torso. Where the hell did the effects guys go for training, the Rob Liefeld School of Anatomy? I’m still laughing over that. I mean, it looks exactly like what it is: a rubber suit.

Whoa, now if you slow down again, you can see the first appearance of The Beast. Again, the laughs just don’t stop. I can understand why Singer didn’t include him in X2: because it looks ridiculous. It’s just shameful yet surprisingly funny.

I don’t know why the slo-mo of Cyclops’ glasses coming off is really needed, I did like the shot of him just losing it whilst standing on the edge where his hoochie decided to get all hari-kari on us but that’s quickly supplanted with the now alive, evil Jean Grey who will no doubt be shifting her loyalties as some kind of incarnation of the Phoenix.

We get more shots of The Beast, goddamn what it must have been like for Kelsey to have this make-up applied and questioning, on some level, what a fool you look like and then you get more snippets of Wolverine going his raised eyebrow thing as he lights stogie after stogie. Magneto applies the same damn paralyzing hold on Jackman as the originality surges through the screen and I am left wondering if all the action of this movie is going to take place in either the danger room, the forest and the school’s grounds. That’s all I am really seeing here.

I just don’t know what this movie will do when it comes out. I can’t see anything here that makes me think this will be anything less than a mild letdown of what we’ve all come to expect. I want to be wrong, I do, but what here gave me hope that I am? Nothing. Not a thing.

Director: Spike Lee
Cast: Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Christopher Plummer, Peter Gerety, Peter Frechette, Jason Manuel Olazabal, Darryl ‘Chill” Mitchell, Ashlie Atkinson
Release: March 24, 2006
Synopsis: The Inside Man takes places during a hostage situation in which a tough cop matches wits a clever bank robber, who sets to pull the the perfect heist. Washington stars as New York police detective Keith Miller, a tough, street-smart cop fighting for a promotion while trying to live down accusations of misconduct connected to his last case. When he and his partner are dispatched to the scene of an in-progress bank robbery and hostage crisis, Miller must face off against a well-educated criminal (Owen) masterminding a concisely plotted operation. As negotiations grow more strained, a powerful lawyer with mysterious ties (Foster) becomes involved in the crisis… and Miller slowly begins to realize that in this ultimate game of cat and mouse, rules are arbitrary, all roles are up for grabs and the black-and-white of right an wrong has blurred to a shadowy landscape of gray. Dafoe will be playing the role of a police captain while Ejiofor plays a detective in the film.

You wouldn’t know there is anything wrong with this film’s premise by the opening sequence of this trailer. Clive Owen’s upper torso and vacant eyes stare into the camera. He comes off really cold, calculated and I take it he’s not the huggable type in this film either. He’s found a great niche for himself playing these kinds of roles and I won’t begrudge him his crazy ability to make you sit and pay attention to whatever he has to say; if that mo-fo was trying to sell me on a box on sanitary napkins I might just buy “˜em because of how compelling he comes across.

The set-up is that Clive chooses his words very carefully and never repeats himself. Alright, it’s a bit dramatic but I’ll roll with it.

Clive lets us know that he’s planned the perfect bank robbery. Aren’t they all?

Well, after the initial “Everybody down!” exhortation we get Denzel as the crack negotiator who’s going to spearhead all the splendiferous action we’re about to get on the screen. Let me be the first to say he’s impeccably dressed for a man of his job description. So neat and tidy, fedora on his head, Denzel really knows how to dress for success.

Now, Clive really is planning the perfect bank robbery because he knows how to get chicks to undress, notice how they all seem to be incredibly good-looking ladies in their bras and underwear without an overweight dude anywhere to be found, I guess those people bank at Wells Fargo, plus he’s demanding a jumbo jet at a local New York airport. What is this, DIE HARD 2? Everyone knows that whenever you demand air transport in a movie you’re going to end up either shot or strewed about in fragmented airplane parts when the good guy manages to blow the plane up.

We jump from that preposterous moment to Jodie “Pinball Fun and Excitement” Foster playing the hard ass in a move that isn’t quite clear. The word “interests” is bandied about a few times so I am left to assume that there is going to be a pissing match between Denzel and her. I think it would be nice to watch if it all didn’t feel so, well, tired and done before.

What’s more is that the lame action is cranked up to a 3 when Denzel comes off like the cool dude running everything while having a cool hand Luke answer to every smarmy comment made to him. It tries to be edgy and you’re supposed to be identifying with Denzel but you can’t. No one can. It’s a stock action hero character that’s being amped up here and it’s nigh impossible to feel anything but tediousness as this trailer comes to its rip-roaring conclusion.

Oh, and this movie is being directed by Spike Lee so take it for what it’s worth; around these parts, though, I wouldn’t buy it.

Director:John Lasseter
Cast: Paul Newman, Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, “Larry the Cable Guy”, Cheech Marin, George Carlin, Richard Petty, Michael Keaton, Tony Shalhoub, John Ratzenberger
Release: June 9, 2006
Synopsis: Lightning McQueen (voiced by Wilson), a hotshot rookie race car driven to succeed, discovers that life is about the journey, not the finish line, when he finds himself unexpectedly detoured in the sleepy Route 66 town of Radiator Springs. On route across the country to the big Piston Cup Championship in California to compete against two seasoned pros, McQueen gets to know the town’s offbeat characters ““including Sally (a snazzy 2002 Porsche voiced by Hunt), Doc Hudson (a 1951 Hudson Hornet with a mysterious past, voiced by Newman), and Mater (a rusty but trusty tow truck voiced by Larry the Cable Guy) ““ who help him realize that there are more important things than trophies, fame and sponsorship. The all-star vocal cast also includes free-wheeling performances by racing legend Richard Petty and. Fueled with plenty of humor, action, heartfelt drama, and amazing new technical feats, CARS is a high octane delight for moviegoers of all ages.

One of the first rules everyone in the filmic universe should know, as if there was a encyclopedic reference book on such things, is that when you make a kids film studios don’t really mind a) making them on the cheap because the profit margin is so good and 2) how reasonably terrible they are because there is almost a guaranteed audience waiting to shove their Booger Eaters into them. It’s the latter notation that worried me when I saw the teaser for CARS. I figured that this was a case of a simplistic cash-in and that not much thought was put into it.

Obviously, I’m wrong as it takes a very long time to develop these and make them but the teaser didn’t tease and it didn’t have the kind of panache that the trailers for THE INCREDIBLES was able to capture. Those, those INCREDIBLES trailers, were wonderfully funny, glib and poked all sorts of fun at convention.

This trailer finally gets into the spirit of what a Pixar trailer needs to be. They’ve set the bar high for themselves and what we get when we watch this is that self-same social reference that adults can get while their kids enjoy the flashy flashy.

The premise of this trailer posits that we all know and have watched those car commercials where, usually the Lexus voiceover guy does it best, champions their vehicles over the competition; the opening shots of this commercial have the hyper activity that’s necessary, vital, to get people’s attention.

A revving engine, a mass techno friendly beat in the background, slick angles of a car slowly wheeling out into the light manage to wipe the crap on the windshield that was the teaser trailer out of my memory. And I really enjoy the voiceover here because it’s perfectly utilized.

I appreciate the odd angles of the car speeding past other, more inferior vehicles on the roadway and the script that comes up on the bottom of the screen that says “CLOSED COURSE. DO NOT ATTEMPT” as it’s toying with convention and that’s what Pixar has done so well.

“”¦Our cars speak for themselves”¦”

When the screen goes black after a car does a drift in the dirt, the pacing is spot-on when it goes quiet for a moment only to open up on a VW bus and a Jeep staring at a blinking yellow light. Now while kiddies won’t get the connotation that only dirty, grungy, pot smoking hippies drive VW busses and that its comments about the blinking yellow light is not only a great funny we are quickly escorted to the moments kids will take a shine to.

With cars racing every which way, the vehicles themselves clearly lifted from a Merry Melodies short decades ago around the fifties, thus, excusing the fact that the design isn’t all that original, I can’t help but applaud this version of the trailer.

“I’d give my left two lug nuts to see something like that”¦”

Yeah, I’d say the writing is still as strong as it ever was.

Director: Kevin Harrison, Kemp Curley
Cast: Shawn Farmer, Nick Perata, Terje Haakonsen, Shaun White, Hannah Teter
Release: December 2, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: The docu-drama First Descent chronicles the rebellious, inspiring and sometimes controversial rise of snowboarding–as seen through the eyes of the snowboarders setting the standards and breaking the boundaries of this worldwide phenomenon.

Prognosis: Gnarly Ass. Truth: I grew up with snow.

Every year there was another chance to go down hills and slopes. My peers talked about going up to ski resorts and doing what teenagers would love to do when given the opportunity to ski or snowboard. And, every year, I always found new ways to prevent myself from getting caught up in the idea of whipping down a run with no other way to stop than by coordinating one’s body to do it. I saw BETTER OFF DEAD. I knew what could happen.

I chose to sled; you can’t beat the sensation of tobogganing down a big hill and wiping out, getting ejected from one’s vehicle. I think this is why I like this trailer.

There’s something about learning about what was, really, a sport thought to be a non-sport by those too good to acknowledge the physicality it takes to command a single plank piece that’s affixed to both feet. I remember hearing how snowboarders were notorious for ripping up ski runs but how much of that was myth and how much of that was the same disinformation that came out around 1983/1984 when skateboarding really took a foothold in our nation’s suburbs? I don’t know but I like that this will take a look at snowboarding in a way that’s meaningful.

I love it, I really do, that this trailer opens up with throaty voiceover guy busting out a quote that tells us that snowboarding was once labeled as “the worst sport ever invented.” It’s funny but it’s also telling.

Since this is being done in kind of the same way that ENDLESS SUMMER was done, the film cutting to the athletes doing their thing, you’re going to get a lot of awe compressed in this thing. You can also count on getting a good soundtrack embedded behind it all so it’s really going to come down to how it’s all pieced together.

The opening sequences of snowboarders gliding off cliffs and hanging in the ether as they glide to earth on their fixed wing aircraft is enough to make you go out and get HD and hope it ends in a horrific “agony of defeat” moment; and, deliciously, you get them here.

Another thing that makes me stand up and take notice is that we’re told this film is going to capture the experiences of not just a few people but, like a departure from Bruce Brown’s unmatchable classic, 4 generations of snowboarders. I like that. How else can one define where a sport really started, evolved and where it’s going than by listening to how those involved with snowboarding through its development?

And, as we whip right through the dudes and ladies who have shaped snowboarding’s image, we turn off the music and voices as we quick cut to a dude literally launching off a cliff, drifting into a crevasse with no parachute being deployed. Sweet.

In addition to this goodness, we’re told that this movie also features 5 of the best snowboarders in the world going down what is, ostensibly, the equivalent of the K-12 from DEAD. The sheer dangerousness and intimidation factor is one thing but when the camera pulls back and you see how incredibly tiny these people are in relation to the size of this slope you can almost feel your own nads run for cover.

What shoves said nads up to my throat, even, is near the end of this trailer and all five of our brave snowboarders, or crazy, you decide, is that you see one person just gliding along on their board as a localized avalanche erupts underneath their feet. You see the snow breaking apart, a large chunk of snow break apart, and it just ripples. Like a champ, like a pro, the “˜boarder just rides it the hell out of there without succumbing to the slide. Unreal.

For myself, whenever I go out with my little red disc, I take the advice of Charles De Mar’s, Curtis Armstrong, advice to heart: Go that way, really fast, if something gets in your way, turn.

Director: Richard Loncraine
Cast: Harrison Ford, Paul Bettany, Virginia Madsen, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Robert Patrick, Robert Forster, Alan Arkin
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: A thief (Paul Bettany) kidnaps bank security expert Jack Stanfield’s (Harrison Ford) family, forcing Jack to find a flaw in his own security system and steal $100 million.

You’re welcome.

Not to give short shrift to meth heads, you’ll see a movie soon enough dealing with how mullet headed idiots are blowing themselves up along their doublewides soon enough, but this discussion is going to be about identity theft. Not that this isn’t a big issue but remember how when The Internets starting getting press attention in the early 90’s there was a movie about it starring Sandra Bullock and an odd sell-out Dennis Miller in THE NET? Well, this movie is going to be the same thing. And, if it isn’t, it sure feels like it.

When the trailer opens up and we see the computer-esque script scroll across the screen with the social security number, job position, name and other various minutiae about Harrison Ford with the rhetorical question “How secure is your identity?” I get a bit concerned.

How am I supposed to feel about a movie that, from the outset, seems like your average Law and Order, ripped from today’s headlines, kind of movie? It’s Harrison Ford, sure, but we’re not starting off on the right note.

When Harrison realizes someone compromised his personal information, making him eligible to do one of those funny funny commercials with those people for Citibank, he’s all sorts of worried. And he should be too as the screen goes black and asks one of those kinds of questions that news outlets in your hometown love to ask when they promo some story to get you to watch it: how safe is your family? If you listened to them, if you actually paid attention to these kind of “news” stories, you’d think you were targeted for death every day by average events that transpire every day in your life.

It doesn’t fly there and it’s crap that they use this same sensationalist baiting in this trailer. That said, the premise gets some legs when this isn’t about identity theft at all but actually departs from just theft of Harrison Ford and evolves into a plot to steal money from the bank Harrison works for.

It seems a bit disingenuous to lead in one direction and then go off in another but I actually get into it when we understand that Ford’s family is essentially being held hostage so that Paul Bettany can rob his bank. It’s DIE HARD, Hans Gruber-ish in a way, but the more this movie goes on the more it seems like this is a movie targeted by the older sect. It’s not a bad thing but I understand the marketing a little better.

One of the best things about assuming about thinking you know where it all leads is that you can be wrong from time to time.

Just when I think this is going to be a Paint-By-Numbers thievery kind of flick or that there’s nothing flashy or eye-popping about the events that transpire, no explosions or dudes throwing themselves off rooftops in a major escape attempt, the plot changes.

Ford goes against plan and starts to fight back against Bettany’s thugs and even though a software nerd like Harrison is supposed to be doesn’t quite cry out “hero in disguise” the premise that the pot is stirred in the other direction actually looks entertaining.

We got guns, explosions, people being tossed out windows, fast moving vehicles and everything else that goes along with having one guy be the one man army we all know from other kinds of movies in this genre.

The quick cuts are generous with their display of violent content and you get a pleasurable dollop of bombast with the heroic statements from both Ford and Bettany. True, this doesn’t quite cry out to 18-34 demographic but it does look like the kind of adults who would go out to see AFTER THE SUNSET and THE INTERPRETER will get their fix of movie magic.

Director: Sofia Coppola
Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Asia Argento, Rip Torn, Molly Shannon
Release: October 13, 2006
Synopsis: Dunst stars as the young Austrian who got married off to a Frenchman, lost her head over fancy clothes, and then really lost her head to the blade of the guillotine. Schwartzman co-stars as Louis XVI, her politically (and sexually) ineffectual husband.

With the exception of Glenn Close and John Malkovich, I just can’t help but feel that just because a story took place in France, England or whatever trendy European locale James Ivory wants to set against his latest snooze-fest that it makes for a better movie to keep everything as it was just for accuracy sake.

One of the most clever things I learned about texts that were written centuries ago from parts all over the globe, in my travails as an English major, was that the same story could have been re-edited for modern audiences countless times over. You’re not changing anything, really, when you have a good editor making a story better understood. What makes modern interpretation so much fun, then, is that when you have good people telling the story in a filmic setting you are able to engage the audience.

Pompous, arrogant and self-aware movies that want to retain everything original about a story’s point, then, run the risk of alienating audiences. Sure, corduroy wearing English teachers and old people who don’t know the joys of cable television and only watch PBS’ Masterpiece Theater will tout productions of every make and model as wonderful but what about the young’uns who would benefit from modern interpretations of stories.

If Sophia Coppola can do for Marie-Antoinette what Baz Luhrmann did for ROMEO AND JULIET I can see this movie being a good time out at the theater; her use of Age of Consent by New Order is a good start.

And one of the most daring things that’s done with regard to using a New Order song in this trailer is that this is all she uses.

There is no voiceover, no cards, no indication of what time or place this is.

The visuals are wonderfully rendered and even thought this is something that could be found in any aforementioned Masterpiece Theater production I feel a little more willing to be engaged with what’s happening on the screen.

At first I think I’m getting things all wrong. I restart this trailer three times before wondering if they honestly screwed something up with the mixing of it. And once I know that this was done on purpose I find myself turning my head a little bit like a dog hearing a whistle, trying to understand the purpose of doing this. That’s when I get it and enjoy this thing for what it is.

Even though I may see dudes galloping on horses, people pulling up to a castle in their pimp chariots of fire and seeing Kirsten strolling about in her fancy dress, her white coif accenting her bodice in a most flattering fashion, I get it. I know why it seems strange not to have celebrities busting out their faux accents in this trailer, their egos popping at the hinges at the opportunity to show the world how they can really act.

Even though the danger here is that people, potential audience members, could scratch their heads and wonder what this movie is all about, not knowing it’s about Marie Antoinette, and say forget it there is something interesting to just watching this trailer.

The music fits in seamlessly with this 18th century period piece and when Kirsten has her head against the glass of her stage coach you don’t have an overzealous voiceover twit talking my ear off, I’m not whisked away by the image of something else, I’m given a flash of something nice.

Sure, you’ve got dudes getting it on with swords and you’ve got boats firing cannons at one another, looking like some Las Vegas Treasure Island boat show, but, if you’re into it and I am, you get a lusty Kirsten Dunst wearing nothing but a powder blue garter, and a white hand fan covering her fun bags. I’m nothing if not observant.

What a nice trailer and what horror it is to learn that this movie isn’t coming out until October of next year. If I were in charge I would be asking for the head of Sofia Coppola for such a transgression. As it stands, though, this trailer will just have to do till that day arrives.

Director: Cory Edwards, Todd Edwards, Tony Leech
Cast:(Voices) James Belushi, Glen Close, Andy Dick, Anne Hathaway, David Ogden Stiers, Anthony Anderson, Xzibit, Chazz Palminteri, Sally Struthers, Patrick Warburton
Release: January 13, 2006
Synopsis: In the re-telling of this classic fable, the story begins at the end. Chief Grizzly (Xzibit) and Detective Bill Stork (Anthony Anderson) investigate a domestic disturbance at Granny’s (Glenn Close) cottage, involving a karate-kicking Red Riding Hood (Anne Hathaway), a sarcastic wolf (Patrick Warburton) and an oafish Woodsman (Jim Belushi). The charges are many: breaking and entering, intent to eat, wielding an axe without a license, but these unusual suspects have their story to tell first.

Prognosis: I’ll Read The Book. Has anyone seen that wholesome Anne Hathaway vehicle that showcases her, um, vehicles, HAVOC? Yeah, me neither, but I did hear about this movie around the same time when the hubbub about HAVOC was percolating to the surface.

There’s just something about that film’s controversy and this animated movie being the first from the Weinstein Company that raises some good questions about what HOODWINKED hopes to establish about the big dollar potential in their kid flicks. I know people remember what happened to Fox Animation after a couple of wretched movies destroyed that arm of their filmic portfolio. It’s not enough anymore to just make a kids movie and expect that if it’s done halfway well that the bucks are going to roll in.

You’ve got to come correct at the theater and it’s pretty much all Pixar’s, really Brad Bird, doing in the last decade or so that they’ve raised the bar in terms of what really makes good animated fun. Sure, you may have a suck ass movie and make many dollars at the box office or in the secondary home video market (that craptacular SHARK TALE and CHICKEN LITTLE proved that) but this is more about longevity, having a unique voice.

I can’t really say I hear echoes of greatness it in this trailer.

What I do like, though, from the outset is that this movie is being told in a Rashomon fashion, getting many perspectives from the same event, and for that it gets some kudos. What’s really not so great is that the first third of this trailer is burnt by just recounting the story of Little Red Riding Hood when Red starts to talk to who she thinks is grandma. Yeah, you can go this route and the glib funny-funny joke at the end of the usual exchange, when the wolf pitches a fit about being interrogated by the girl, will make some of the parents giggle but something odd happens. The granny who was replaced comes bounding from the hall closet, gagged and tied up with rope, while some strapping Swiss/Germanic lumberjack busts through the bedroom window. This should be a funny moment, there should be a bon mot or something said by either the goofy looking guy who’s donning some tight tight lederhosen or the wolf who’s just been had.

No, we don’t get any of that. We just get the modern angle of cops showing up to find out exactly what has happened. It’s not funny, it just seems, well, normal.

The moment takes our Japanese-inspired turn when the whole gang is being interrogated by the lead detective in the case, a frog who I guess is supposed to be funny, and we’re supposed to believe that’s there more to this story than just Red coming to visit her grandma.

The angle here is that Little Red might not be so innocent in the crime, that grandma might be some kind of secret agent (I still don’t know why we had to see her snowboarding down a mountain after she tossed two explosive charges (!) on top of it), the wolf might actually be a victim (aren’t we all?) and the lumberjack is a buffoon; say what you will, but when I started to read plays in college around the time of Shakespeare and beyond I’ve always had a soft spot for the idiots. I don’t suffer fools gladly but when they’re genuinely stupid I appreciate that kind of stock character.

And yeah, the music that runs underneath our character introductions, EMF’s “Unbelievable”? I think if this movie was going to come out circa 1992 it would be relevant but almost a decade and a half after its release? No, it’s not.

The last third of the trailer really wants to play up the angles of how this story is going to turn the traditional story on its head but the jokes, visual gags and assorted attempts to inject humor just don’t work. My kid may like it but I just can’t see myself placing this in the pantheon of great kids films.

Director:Wayne Wang
Cast: Queen Latifah, LL Cool J, Timothy Hutton, Gerard Depardieu, Alicia Witt, Giancarlo Esposito
Release: January 13, 2006
Synopsis: A shy cookware clerk (Queen Latifah), believing her days are numbered, throws caution to the wind and embarks on a dream vacation to Europe. While staying at a grand hotel, she and her uninhibited attitude have a profound and humorous effect on the guests and staff.

Prognosis: Yeah, I’ll Suggest This To My Lady Friends. Honest question for the peanut gallery:

Does a movie that is anchored by Queen Latifah and LL Cool J warrant a label that it is necessarily an urban romantic comedy, and let’s be honest here when we say that urban means that it befits a certain segment of the black population, or are we beyond middle America’s box office punch when it comes to marketing a movie to everyone and not just narrowcasting to one race?

I would hope so because this flick, while not being marketed to dudes like me who would rather spend the afternoon trimming the hedges, actually tugs at the right places. For what it is supposed to be, a romantic comedy, it pops on all the right cylinders.

Now, for future reference, marketing rom-coms means that there are certain things you’ve got to execute in order to get the biggest, noticeable punch for your ad dollars:

1. Give away the movie. No matter what you’ve got to tell the entire story in the two minutes, thirty seconds you are given.

2. Make sure you showcase the ladies. Your story may involve a dude but, like in real life, dudes are irrelevant to your protagonist but make sure, when possible, to make them look like idiots.

3. Be sympathetic. Ply at chicks’ heartstrings by manipulating them with rusty, dusty oldies music. For examples of this look at trailers for RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS, THE FAMILY STONE, HANGING UP and nearly every single movie where chicks are all laughing for no good reason.

Now, our trailer here begins with showcasing Queen in all her simpleton glory. You root for her because she is immediately shown getting worked over by her insufferable boss and that she has a thing for LL; I mean, hell, who doesn’t have a thing for LL? I might have a thing for LL. Point is, she comes off sweetly. I didn’t have high hopes for the film when I initially saw the print advertising for the movie but any animosity I had gets slowly burned by a nice, easy build-up to what is, at it’s core, the point of the film.

She’s got three weeks to live, or so it says as these things have a way of magically being magically rectified by movie’s end, Queen takes a big dollar loan/withdrawl from the bank, I’m unsure of how this could happen so fast but fuck reality, man, this is the talkies after all, and goes off to some exotic locale and splurges on all the things that she’s dreamed of consuming.

It’s formulaic, yes, of the woman who had nothing, gets everything, and plays the country bumpkin/simpleton in a world populated by hoity-toidy tight wads. People like these kind of rags to riches variants and when I see Queen just doing one thing after another that shows how she’s really just a proverbial fish out of water, with the assumption that she’s going to find her way back to LL is all but assured. Oh, but it isn’t assured, it’s effing showed in all its lame glory.

The closing music to this trailer? “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” This couldn’t have been more textbook. Ladies are going to be dragging their dudes to this one in quick order. If the original version of this movie, which came out over half a century ago, is any indication I am sure we’ll see a new incarnation of this same story around 2050.

Director: Matt Mulhern
Cast: David Schwimmer, Janeane Garofalo, Judah Friedlander, Susan Lynch, Dick Cavett
Release: November 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A down-on-his-luck, divorced father works the night shift at an Atlantic City casino. When his relationship with his young daughters and ex-wife is jeopardized by a run-in with the law, he struggles to get his life – and family – back together before it’s too late. A moving and humorous look at the limits of unconditional love and what defines a family.

Prognosis: Down and Out. First time I saw Janeane Garofalo was episode one on Fox when The Ben Stiller Show, one of the first real great Fox fuck-ups to come from that would eventually claim the life of Arrested Development, debuted over a decade ago. She was smart, witty, pretty, funny and all sorts of perfect for the show.

When the show dissolved it was rough trying to keep up with her comedic stylings, her talent just leeched away into the gutter by Saturday Night Live, but she’s made a voice for herself in a serious way in the past few years and it’s wonderful to see her here doing more than just being the foil for more important, read here: studio sap, stars.

David Schwimmer? Can’t say I like him that much. He’s got a one tone acting style, has a droopy eyed delivery that I can’t say is done on purpose or brought to me by the fine people from Pfizer Pharmaceuticals and is not really compelling as a leading man.

Case in point? The first scene of this trailer is of him finishing a beer as a po-po sloshes up to his car right before he’s going to be arrested for drunken driving. I can’t understand if this was to be funny, amusing or pathetic but when he sloppily says he has a kid in the back seat I get that this is supposed to be straight.

The homesick country chords play in the background as we’re pimped with the sign that this movie was a 2005 Sundance entry; good, I always appreciate when advertisers see the importance of getting this information out early.

We next see David being harangued by the judge at his sentencing which, again, is odd because he makes a wisecrack and I’m not sure if he’s the fun kind of alcoholic which are always good to have a party or he’s the depressing kind that are always a drag. He’s confusing.

He kind of backslides when Janeane threatens to prevent David from seeing the kid he was busted with whilst on a drunken bender but, again, I don’t understand. If David’s a drunk who obviously doesn’t care of whether his kid is harmed or not then why does he have a sudden sober moment about his life’s future?

I blame the trailer for being unclear for cutting some understanding of where we’re going with this movie. Case in point, David ditches the sloshy lifestyle for one of three-piece suits at an Atlantic City casino. He presents well and actually looks good but how the hell did we get here? Again, lots were left out and I can’t see how I am supposed to be amped to see a movie where I’m not all that sure of if I would want to see what happens to this goober.

And then, the best part, he slides back into the boozing. Even though David is in essence twisting down a coil that is similar to that of Nic Cage in LEAVING LAS VEGAS the difference is that I am befuddled when David starts talking about how he loves his kids and his ex-wife but obviously still likes the liquor.

Are these kinds of guys sympathetic protagonists or pathetic machinations that we should pity? I can’t say and I think that’s the real problem of this trailer. I want to like this movie so much because it seems like a real departure for Janeane but what’s here in this piece of advertising has me so wrapped up in David that I’m not sure if it’s worth the effort to look and find out.

Director: Roger Donaldson
Cast: Anthony Hopkins, Diane Ladd, Paul Rodriguez Aaron Murphy, Annie Whittle
Release: February 3, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: In `60s New Zealand, at the bottom of the world, Burt Munro takes a 1920 Indian motorcycle and, delightfully without resources other than his own obsession and a Kiwi #8 wire mentality, spends his retirement rebuilding the bike and following his dream to go to Speed Week at Salt Lake in Utah. Under funded, without the support of a team and against all the odds he not only makes it to Bonneville, he sets a world land spend record, not once, but again and again.

Prognosis: Positive. Sometimes, things just hit me a certain way.

Be it just or unjust there are just triggers which prompt me to sit quietly and take notice; shiny objects going very fast is one of them.

I think if I was to compare this movie’s audience and range, in terms of who this movie could ultimately reach, I would place it in the same realm as the awful MADISON, that boat movie which is taking up pointless space next to the seven shelves worth of MY DATE WITH DREW at the local Blockbuster. But this movie feels a little different somehow. The protagonist here, Sir Anthony Hopkins, is just one guy and his quest seems more about his own quest than it is one of those hokey suppositions that are usually found in mainstream movies where it all comes down to one last”¦(fill in the blank).

At first glance you’d expect this to be a quiet kind of film. Hopkins, a motorcycle and his age all seem qualifiers that would put this movie on the docket for the 3 p.m. evening movie at the Frosty Acres Nursing Home. I was actually looking for a trailer I could kick around a bit, sharpen the old talons on a squirrelly piece of mice meat, but was floored by the intensity that builds up when Hopkins rolls his motorcycle out into the open. A couple of A chords, some steel toe shoes that look like they were ripped from a MATRIX or ALIENS vehicle, some sparks of electricity and some sweet-ass angles of said motorbike achieving a gnarly velocity are all that one needs to give Hopkins a boost.

What’s more is that before we go back into the grandeur that is Hopkins getting his quickness on he’s talking to some officials about why, as a Kiwi, he was in America. His response that he’s out to set the land speed record, not only reminds me of that delicious Tanya Donelly single that only I seem to know of or possess, but it provides a nice interlude between his solo runs and the quickness he displays against younger dudes and their fast bikes.

And what would a sport bike movie be without a few wipeouts? I like that we linger for a little bit on Anthony’s face when he eats it on a barren salt flat. The expression is worth the price of admission alone. Yes, it’s fake, I know that, but it’s nonetheless effective in evoking that this geezer set out to do something that not even I have the stones to do.

The rest of the trailer intersperses this bike of his going very fast while being entertained with Hopkins’ dry wit when he’s pulled over by a po-po doing around 150 mph; for those limeys in attendance, I think that equals something very swift in kilometers.

“Based on one hell of a true story”

I just have to give it up for the musical direction of this trailer. I can’t remember when the tunes created such a kinetic feeling and you’ve got that right here. I think my penchant for all things wipe out was psychically understood by the Trailer Gods as the final image we have of old Anthony is of his head scraping, once more, the bottom of a salt flat as he cries out in the only way that a senior citizen can.

Man, does this ever look facetiously manipulative but it hasn’t ever looked, or sounded, so good.

Director: Gore Verbinski
Cast: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Stellan Skarsgård, Bill Nighy, Jack Davenport, Kevin R. McNally, Jonathan Pryce
Release: July 7, 2006
Synopsis: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley reunite in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST, an all new epic tale chronicling the further mis-adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Gore Verbinski from a screenplay written by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio, Captain Jack sets sail on an all new adventure ““ filled with more intrigue, more spectacular special effects and more comedy.

Prognosis: Positive. No, it wasn’t rocking anyone’s world with its ability to create something special on the screen, technically speaking, but I’ll be damned if the first PIRATES wasn’t all sorts of mindless fun.

Gore Verbinski was a lot of people’s whipping boy until he brought people out in droves and then got them to buy DVD’s in droves as well. PIRATES proved the power of making films that are just plain fun. There isn’t foul language to speak of, no one gets their nads blown off in a spectacular way and there was actually a coherent plot that not only entertained but showed the power of having three actors who could deal with sharing the spotlight with one another.

There is no doubt that the people with this could have taken the SUPERMAN IV approach and made a movie that would ensure money but no doubt tarnish the first flick’s reputation. What I can see here, though, looks like you have a director who saw what made the first movie great and wants to try it again.

You almost want to give Gore a pat on the tuchas for wanting to try and make a LORD OF THE RINGS for the Disney sect because the trailer really shines in that it just feels like safe, family fare. It’s not a bad thing, mind you, but you just know what you’re going to get with this movie. Sometimes that’s just a nice thing to know.

Big fan of the creepy “Yo ho, yo, ho, a pirate’s life for me”¦” I remember standing in line for this damned ride and listening to the endless soundtrack playing again and again, so it takes me back.

I don’t really get the opening shots of the chain gang walking along a darkened rock bridge, the skeletons of dead men in long iron cages. I don’t know if we’re revisiting the events of what made the first movie so fun, that Jack was a part of the rag tag bunch of pirates, but it’s nonetheless intriguing as is the shot of dozens of people wading though a sick lake that’s covered with a thin plume of fog.

Now, and this is really cool, and I mean “cool” in the most academic sense, we get a glimpse of what I believe is Davey Jones, the salty dog who’s covered with all sorts of danger. This is what young kids really want to see on the screen and who better to voice this character than Bill Nighy.

The one thing that scares me though is when the always dependable Johnny Depp, who would’ve thought this 21 Jump Street alum was going to go on to do great things as I had my money on Richard Grieco, is in all his glory until he gets hogtied and put on a spit. You flirt with danger when you add natives into a movie; to me, it feels like lazy filmmaking. With ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS you had natives playing an awful role in an already awful movie but, in THE RUNDOWN, they were perfectly used in what should’ve been an average movie. When Depp is forced to play off of them I am hopeful we end up with something from the latter and not the former.

The last third of this trailer gives us equal doses of Orlando and Kiera in all their splendiferous glory. If I had to compare it to anything it’s almost like if Lost, HELLBOY and THE GOONIES merged into this conflagration of traps, machinations and oddities following them all. It’s enough eye candy to keep the young’uns wired for days but I am just giddy, again, academic usage, to see that movies like this are being made.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Cast: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard
Release: July 21, 2006
Synopsis: The story of a superintendent of an apartment complex in Philadelphia who discovers a sea nymph living in the building’s swimming pool.

Prognosis: Positive. Okay, I realize that many of you were butt-hurt over the travesty that was THE VILLAGE.

I can’t qualify anyone’s remarks because it was said remarks that kept me from even renting the movie, quite unfortunate too as I am a big big fan of SIXTH and UNBREAKABLE and, yes, even SIGNS. Was THE VILLAGE all that bad? I think there is something to M. Night’s writing technique and his whole surprise ending angle but I am hoping he isn’t banking his entire career on it because what I see here is actually quite poignant.

I am a fan of the title, first of all, as the subtitle, A BEDTIME STORY, kind of puts things in the right frame of reference for everyone. There’s a kind of fairytale supposition, be this a true story, i.e. set in the real world, or not, and it kind of gives Night some latitude.

The opening is really original in ways I can’t quite put into words. It might have to do with the lilting music that plays behind the sequence or the framing that really is Night’s signature style, but when you see a group of apartment dwellers all gathered around the pool, an odd conflagration which never quite happens in real life, but we’ll accept it as fact here.

Also, does anyone have one of those symbolism dictionaries? I used to have one early on in my English education but probably sold it back to make 4 bucks on the 40 I spent on it. I ask because there is an odd lingering on the image of butterflies. There are lots of “˜em and even though we see them for a few seconds, I would love to know what they could mean in the context of this movie.

Next, we’re introduced to Cleveland, Paul Giamatti, who seems to be the silent, stoic, superintendent of this complex and we see him in all his lonely glory; and, man, does he ever look lonely. That’s why it kind of concerns me that when we see him after his day labors are done, chillin’ inside his little cottage on the outskirts of the apartment grounds, he pulls a notebook from the top shelf of one of his bookcases and starts writing in it.

Now, what concerns me is that the notebook is awfully tall and, when we get our birds-eye view of the writing in question, the script is thin and runs all the way from the left to the right and takes up the entire page; it’s like Kevin Spacey from SEVEN. I’m not sure if this means he’s psychotic or that he’s writing about how he likes to rub strawberry jelly on his nether regions while chanting “I hate Bush” and watching Judy Garland movies but, man, what I would give to have this movie take a horrific turn. As it is, though, we just get some script on the screen.

“Once upon a time there was a man named Cleveland Heep whose life would change forever”¦”

Although, in my own defense, the next scene that shows Paul shows him sleeping in his chair with his notebook open on the couch and he is facing the direction where his television should be; I’m still holding out for my idea to come to fruition.

There’s some splashing in the pool outside his window and it wakes Cleveland up. There is a lot of torpidity in that body of water and it’s enough to have Cleve go and investigate with his flashlight.

The last remaining image is Paul from underneath the surface looking up and, even though that angle is quite slimming, we aren’t left to see what happens from here.

This is actually all quite interesting and it does just enough to pique my interest in what’s happening in this film.

Director: Eli Roth
Cast: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Barbara Nedeljakova
Release: January 6, 2006
Synopsis: HOSTEL tells the story of two American college buddies Paxton and Josh who backpack through Europe eager to make hazy travel memories with new friend Oli, an Icelander they’ve met along the way. Paxton, Josh, and Oli are eventually lured by a fellow traveler to what’s described as a nirvana for American backpackers ““ a particular hostel in an out-of-the-way Slovakian town stocked with Eastern European women as desperate as they are gorgeous. The two friends arrive and soon easily pair off with exotic beauties Natalya and Svetlana. In fact, too easily”¦

View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)

Prognosis: Positive. What is with Hollywood’s obsession with churning out horror movies as of late?

I don’t mean this is a bad thing but between flicks like HIGH TENSION and the SAW series (which has seen two movies appear like Irish twins) there is a delightfully healthy interest in a genre which had some real crap done to it thanks to the weak-ass SCREAM entries and nearly everything Ewe Boll put out.

This trailer, right here, screams out to the masses that this movie isn’t going to be put out by Dimension and their patsy “Let’s make some horror movies that can reach EVERY demographic” kind of attitude. This one is either for some people who like their horror really graphic or ones who want cameos with The Fonz in them.

We open up to what should be requisite set design for all horror movies, the dingy industrial complex that’s overrun by mold and rust, but it still works here; it just invokes the kind of despair and evilness that a movie like this needs to establish. Oh, and you need water. No matter that an abandoned place like this should’ve had their water shut off a long time ago because this is an abandoned industrial complex but there should be lots and lots of nasty looking water and that’s also what we get here.

“Where all your darkest”¦sickest fantasies”¦”

What usually bugs me, but what gets a pass here, are the graphics that scroll across the screen. When they manage to actually relate to the story, like they do here, it’s a helpful hint about what’s happening in the flick. The imagery here, though, really is nasty. You’ve got some dude who’s obviously being held against his will and, with the lettering that mentions that where you can indulge in your “sickest fantasies” I can only imagine what’s going to happen to him. The gnarly looking cutting tools, all rusted but completely original in design, amps up that whole “spooky” factor and lets you know someone’s about to get sliced, diced and filleted. The screaming pleas from said victim is a nice touch, too.

Special props go out to the trailer makers who use a real nice image: a wiggling toe underneath a decending bolt cutter; you hear the clip and then the scream. Awesome. Totally awesome.

We next get the Black and Decker toolset out with Dr. Death, in creppy looking apron and face mask, getting ready to apply a little wanton torture and sickness to whoever he’s walking toward. I don’t know his name, what his motivation is or what kind of place this is but when the words “Inspired by true events” pops up I am more engaged with the material.

Also, when we get the proclamation that this film is coming to us “From the brilliant minds who brought you CABIN FEVER, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and KILL BILL” I am finally at peace with people using this technique in a way that actually establishes some cred and doesn’t manage to give me three reasons why I WON’T see the film.

Director: Clark Johnson
Cast: Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Douglas, Kim Basinger, Eva Longoria
Release: April 21, 2006
Synopsis: Special Agent Pete Garrison is convinced that a Neo-Nazi Aryan Disciple has managed to infiltrate the White House. When a White House Agent is murdered, Garrison is framed and blackmailed over an affair with the First Lady Sarah Ballentine. He is relieved of his duties, but Garrison won’t stop in trying to prove his innocence, and save the life of the President. While attempting to uncover the person behind it all, he comes into confrontation with his protege, Agent Breckinridge.

Prognosis: Negative. Man, it has been a long time since I’ve seen a movie with Michael Douglas in it.

I think some of his disappearance might have something to do with his wicked face stapling surgery from this year which has left me of an image of a face dripping with bodily fluid and scraggly facial hair; I’m not one to ever seek these kind of pictures out but, geez, the lengths some people go to retain their vanity.

Anyway, this flick looks like crap and I’ll tell you why, First of all, I say this because if the by-the-numbers filmmaking that’s going on here. I know there are reasons why these kinds of movies exist but, really, there’s nothing compelling going on in there here trailer.

The voiceover guy here, sounds like none other than Mr. Don LaFontaine, really tries to notch up the action by speaking very throatily about what the Secret Service is all about. Yeah, they’re teh cool and so powerful and protect the president and they’re all about but when Douglas says into his wrist microphone, “He’s on the move” you can’t help but laugh a little bit.

Do they really keep dudes his age on the payroll as part of the ground team? I thought that was explained quite succinctly in the better looking film IN THE LINE OF FIRE but what the hell do I know? Maybe they like to put chum out into the veritable ocean of possible lines of attack against the president, although a movie where Michael Douglas goes down like an undeserving Jim Brady, payback for the shit that was THE IN-LAWS would be a good time. As it stands, though, this movie is probably going to be playing it straight.

You get the montage of DC, the Capital Building, White House and then a cheesy looking computer nerve center of enforcement activity. We get it, though, that trying to penetrate the White House is harder than getting into Lindsay Lohan’s pants, okay, that would be easy, my bad, but you get the point.

What the point of this movie is, though, is that Michael Douglas has to look for a mole within the Secret Service and Keifer Sutherland, looking fresh and original in a premise that has him as a law enforcement representative, having to look after the president while looking for someone who could kill the world! Yeah, it’s really a stretch.

So, geezer gets accused of being the mole. He gets taken into custody and then breaks free like a wild animal. The chase is on.

When you watch this trailer the reason why you think you’ve seen this before is that you have. Before it had a sequel it was called THE FUGITIVE; guy gets pinched for doing something he really didn’t, you have people chasing him but you have one kindred spirit hoping to clear his name. That person in this movie is Eva Longoria, the reason why, superficially speaking, network television was created. I think her range goes from ONE LIFE TO LIVE to GUIDING LIGHT.

It’s about here when Keifer, playing the Tommy Lee Jones role, barks out to the people who are going to be hot on Michael’s tail that they are chasing their, “worst nightmare.” Please. You’re kidding? Michael Douglas is the Secret Service’s worst nightmare? Whatever, I guess if that’s how they want to roll…

Director: Nicholaus Goossen
Cast: Allen Covert, Peter Dante, Jonathan Loughran, Nick Swardson, Joel David Moore, Doris Roberts
Release: January 6, 2006
Synopsis: By day, 35-year-old Alex (Covert) is the world’s oldest video game tester, but by night. By night, he is privately developing the next big game for the X-Box generation. When one of his roommates(Loughran) spends all the rent money on Taiwanese hookers, Alex is kicked out of his apartment, and finds himself forced to live with his grandmother (Roberts) and her friends Grace (Jones) and Bea (Knight).

Prognosis: Negative. Even I can’t, in good conscience, recommend this film.

I understand that Adam Sandler’s world is appealing to a certain segment of the male population but I can’t see how a movie with as sinister of a premise as this has is going to appeal to anyone beyond that core. I think it may be just this fact which will make it the Second Coming to many nerds out there.

The real secret to this movie’s success, then, depends on getting that core to come out of their basements and see this movie. How then do you start a trailer that needs to do just that? How about piping in the sound of someone taking a hit off a bong? Good one. How about showing some dudes playing X-Box? Checkola. Ooo! How about sticking in a chimpanzee for good measure? Dude, you’re all over this marketing campaign.

I take it this movie is about some guys who like to play video games. It is, at the very least, consistently juvenile across the board. What’s really weird, though, is the lengths this trailer shows how odd these older guys really are. You’ve got one guy who wears pajamas that are all one piece (remember the ones with the booties and that zippered down front?) and sleeps in a car shaped bed, you’ve got the token “wasted” guy who will probably do nothing all movie but try to play up how cool and funny it is to have a friend who is baked all the time and you’ve got another friend who’s into hookers (I don’t know what I can say to that) but then, in all this weirdness, you’ve got the one relative “normal” guy who is like the Tommy of pinballing except he can hear and it’s video games, not flippers and tilts. Oddly, didn’t we all see this movie with Fred Savage in THE WIZARD? I guess there seems to be confidence in capitalizing on the life that still beats in the electronic gaming segment that still goes and sees films.

And, what’s more, is that he gets evicted from his pad and has to shack up with the Golden Girls; crazy concept, I know, and that’s what makes this film so very very original. And, like a crazed white cracker on crystal meth trying to outrun the po-po’s from last week’s Cops episode, they run with this gag as far as they can get. Our “normal” guy lets all of his other buddies know that he’s shacked up with a bunch of ladies who have really worked him over with all of his coworkers thinking that he’s now involved with a pack of college aged co-eds who we all know think of nothing but sex. This bubble is burst when the old ladies pay our friend a visit at the office and the ruse is revealed. Instead of disgust, our friends herald our Don Juan with praise.

Things just follow this absurd path as our protagonist starts to include these senior citizens in his nighttime activities. At one point the old bat from Everyone Loves A Crap Sitcom, after she drinks or eats some beverage that’s been spiked with something, that she can hear her hair growing. The laughs explode left and right, people, so do wear your protective clothing.

I usually find these kinds of comedies entertaining as they do fill a need in my mind for humor that’s not really challenging and doesn’t make me work for a laugh but I just can’t see myself even thinking of paying full price for a movie like this. I’m not really filled with vitriol over this movie’s existence but I would sooner see anything else playing at the theaters than having to watch Doris Roberts play the same character she’s made Emmy-licious for the past decade.

Director: Corey Yuen
Cast: Devon Aoki, Jamie Pressley, Derek Boyer, Sarah Carter, Collin Chou, Steve Howey
Release: August 25, 2006
Synopsis: The movie adaptation of the best selling video game series Dead or Alive.

Prognosis: (Hangs head low in shame)…Yeah…I like this one… Alright, to prove I am not all about teh art, this is one that I recommend to the all the people who make the Internet run: 14 year olds.

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t state that I have tried to get into My Name Is Earl but just can’t get myself over the one-trick angle of Jason Lee having to set his karma straight by following his list. Who knows, though, maybe the character of Crab Man will grow on me a little more and maybe I’ll find a way to look through Jamie Pressley’s backward ass character but, as it is, I’ll just keep TiVoing it until I see what everyone else seems to be finding. I think, though, for my dollars, it doesn’t get any more exploitative than this. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, as any educated person should surmise, that if women are willing to be exploited for money then as long as their check clears the bank there isn’t any problem. The organization NOW may want to contend with the previous statement but any hot blooded American male should think that hot chicks with good sized juggs fightin’ with samurai swords and traipsing around in their undergoods is a good thing.

The opening, I admit, got me completely off guard. I was wondering why an opening shot of four good looking ladies talking about dudes was came from a movie entitled D.O.A. but when you stick with it just long enough you see that we’re not talking about some ladies in a bar or restaurant but ladies wielding swords and are talking about the horde of black uniformed baddies running up some stone stairs, possibly because they’re looking to break themselves off a piece but, possibly, to kill them. Either way, the conceit is cheeky and, hopefully, to the delight of most every straight dude in attendance, way hawt. I also commend the trailer makers for constructing the opening with music that’s indicative of shows like Sex and the City. It completely doesn’t let on that this is going to go the way it is.

Now, once we reveal that these are women who are about to get wicked with their weaponry, the music changes, this time music that’s indicative of some slutty strip joint, not that I would know, but it’s a great transition. The camera flashes fast between images but there’s a nice pacing between the advancing bad guys and the nice ladies. Again, hotness is the name of the game here so you get your sex and violence in equal parts here, children.

“They have looks that kill”¦”

Yes, it’s all groan worthy. All of it. From the shots of them in their bikinis, to the requisite, “Oh, I’ve broken a nail” comment to imply that their sultriness is their weapon while mixing in their unreal ability to go one-on-one with men who are trained in the martial arts as well but didn’t think to look as good on the battlefield as they do in the dining room it all makes you feel kind of dirty from watching it; although, you just can’t help but get pulled in by its absurdity.

The angles chosen to really showcase each one of these ladies’ abilities stray from the norm and I think that’s why it deserves some props for making a trailer that’s just fun to watch. The moves are indicative of the films that I miss from the 80’s, flicks like BLOODSPORT, AMERICAN NINJA and most everything with Steven Segal. It’s been a while since you’ve had films all about exploitation and wanton destruction. You’ve got hard rock music playing behind quicker than shit clips of these women getting wild with bo staffs, swords and other kinds of weapons. They are leaping and bounding all over the place with their legs and arms flailing around the screen. They, of course, like to play sand volleyball and catching some rays before traipsing around ancient oriental temples, killing people.

I am especially a fan of the unreal moment in this trailer where one of our women, topless and fresh from the shower, takes on a dude in hand-to-hand combat. She, ahem, tosses her bra in the air, does a little more ass kicking, slides it over her shoulders and makes the dude she’s fighting with clasp it before she finishes him off.

Director: Scott Coffey
Cast: Naomi Watts, David Baer, Chevy Chase, Robbi Chong
Release: November 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: ELLIE PARKER races around town from one audition to another, changing make-up, clothes and personality as she speeds along, barely attending to her whirlwind life as she strives to get cast in a movie. As Ellie considers giving up after losing faith in the craft, her manager DENNIS doesn’t exactly talk her out of it. One last insane audition for Ellie, and she’s back in the game? or is she?

Prognosis: Negative. I think there’s some cruel irony behind the litany of movies that focus on the young Hollywood hopefuls and their struggle to get noticed when they’re played by actors and actresses who are already, themselves, discovered.

This movie, I thought, would at least offer up some new reason why Naomi Watts could break through the old and tired setups of a young lady with gumption who just wants that one part to help her break through. What you’ve got here, though, doesn’t feel very real in the sense that since you’re trying to convey a sense of verisimilitude with the digital lens this thing was shot through you want something that people can connect with on the screen.

There isn’t any of that here.

The opening of the trailer is good, it’s solid. Watts is going through a series of vocal exercises, falling short of the Damon/Affleck vocalizations in JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK which were grandiosely goofy and gregarious, and I’m in. I’m right there with her. And then the crap music starts up; it seems purchased from a song bank which deals in nondescript, bland tunes which almost border on distracting. Great job there, people. Then we get our cards in-between the scenes. Usually I don’t care about these things but this, again, seems like it was subcontracted to an Apple store in Alhambra, California with the theme of the workshop being: How to insert graphics into your own home movies using nothing more than your Mac, camera and Firewire.

So, everyone speaks Ellie Parker’s name just so you at home who are as blind as Ray Charles or as stupid as a box of Kleenex and couldn’t read the previous card telling you that Watts’ character is named Ellie Parker. Thanks for that.

We are then treated to Ellie’s hysterics in the audition room. Of course she’s obnoxious and we can all see why she’s Hollywood’s most “UN”employed actress which is just an awesome joke, by the way, but I don’t see why I should like her. She seems emotionally high strung and deluded. I do like that we have an extended scene where she and her girlfriend have a contest to see who can cry first as that just solidifies my impression that I would have no use of this woman in my life if I were ever to meet her. In fact, if I had to draw a parallel to her I would have to peg Watts’ character to that of Beth Beth Stolarczyk of MTV’s Real World 15 minute fame.

It’s almost tragic to watch because the reality is that this crazy chick, and she is nuts as you watch the scenes between the more interesting bits, which consist of a frontal look of Naomi changing her pants in the car and you get a flash of some black underwear. And please. How many trailers has Watts been in where she flashes her undergoods? This makes two now.

Things really take a spin in the other direction when said pants changing ends up in a collision where she hooks up with a dude who likes to wear a feather boa around the house without a shirt. Yeah, classy. She’s a slut in this movie too as she’s hooks up with a couple of dudes along the way, one of which states after some coitus with Watts, that he’s certain he’s gay because he was thinking about Johnny Depp whilst in the throes of passion with her. Oh, and Chevy “The SNL Cast Member No One Seems To Like” Chase pops up as Watts’ agent, father, some patriarchal figure in her life but he almost seems inserted as an afterthought.

I don’t have any clue where to stick this movie but if I had one place where I would have to say in a container marked “Recyclables Only.”

Director: Danny Cannon
Cast: Kuno Becker, Alessandro Nivola, Marcel Iures Stephen Dillane, Anna Friel, Kieran O’Brien
Release: I have no idea but it just got released in Egypt last week if you want to go and catch it.
Synopsis: Like millions of kids around the world, Santiago harbors the dream of being a professional footballer. However, living in the Barrios section of Los Angeles, he thinks it is only that–a dream. Until, one day an extraordinary turn of events has him trying out for Premiership club Newcastle United.

Prognosis: Positive. My first foray off the continental shores landed me in Ireland.

It was during the World Cup of 2002 and since the Irish had placed well enough to be entered in competition the whole country was obsessed, really obsessed, with celebrating every game and every player. Radio was taken over with updates, there was a scandal involving one of their players that was treated with front page hysteria, radio played songs written exclusively for the event and it was during this time when I learned what bunting was; people dressed their homes in green, white and orange as if it was Christmas. It was insanity but I got caught up in it. Even bought a Playstation game to continue the action. I think that’s why I have to admit that I like the look of this contrived, clichéd, overwrought, movie.

But this movie is doomed here in the States and I will tell you why: 1) Who the hell here cares about soccer? Not many people. 2) How well has soccer broadened its audience since it really made a push a decade ago?

Yeah, it’s going to be an uphill struggle.

But, the trailer here opens well enough to be entertaining to me. You’ve got our protagonist Santiago who’s your prototypical dreamer character: always wishing for more than he has. This is evident in his El Rocketeer, Horatio Algier, type approach to his one job as a leaf blower-er and his other job working at a Chinese restaurant where, I swear, has Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA working as the head manager.

It’s here that things take a really sappy turn to the left when we see our man using CARDBOARD for shin guards. I think before that moment we would’ve believed his gumption but it’s just ridiculous. The cheesy voiceover, almost Velveeta-like, doesn’t the movie any favors but I’m still on-board.

Of course, here we get the man who presents an opportunity. The opportunity, of course, means leaving everything behind at his old life, although how could you ever leave Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA behind, yo?

So, he does, and goes to try out for this big soccer team. One of the largest. Only, and this is the way all sports movies go, our young hopeful doesn’t look he can match up against the professionals he’s trying to emulate. The rainstorm tryout, along with the muddy ground and subsequent face plant in said mud, all engender feelings of pity for this kid.

No matter, though, as our young hero is given his one last shot at being on the team, makes it, and then we see him walking onto the field for the first time. You hear his dad shout out ownership of the boy like the yentas from COOL RUNNINGS who were tending bar whilst the Jamaican bobsled team was competing. You see a lot of action shots of our man stepping up to the responsibilities of playing the game. I know, I know, I know, you’re rolling your eyes at this. Hell, I was too but I’ve never seen a soccer movie that I’ve ever wanted to see but this looks like a feel-good story that’ll end up just the way I think it will. Is that a bad thing? Yeah, depending on what kind of movie you’re trying to make but, in the case of this, a completely implausible flick shouldn’t be immediately discarded; I mean, c’mon, Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is in this.

Director: Peyton Reed
Cast: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Justin Long, Vincent D’Onofrio, Cole Hauser, John Michael
Release: February 17, 2006
Synopsis: After buing a condo together, a couple (Aniston, Vaughn) run into problems paying the mortgage, which ultimately leads to them deciding that they should break up. Because of their situation, they realize that they’re going to have to keep living together under the same roof until then.

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know if anyone involved with this movie can read this but since I didn’t find ANY production photos on the Internets regarding this movie yet they found it suitable to release a full trailer AND because I didn’t feel like shagging ass to find SOME picture regarding this movie I give you Jennifer Aniston’s ass in its place. I apologize for any perverted, yet oh so delicioulsy neccessary, inconvenience this has caused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn, are they?, aren’t they?, Brad Pitt, blah blah blah; this flick’s got Ralphie in it, dammit!

The OG, the main man, the Toucan Sam, THE effin’ DIRT BIKE KID is in this movie and I think that’s the best part of any advertising campaign that hopes to get people to come out and see this movie. Of course, that’s my opinion but it is a well-reasoned one after all. I mean, you’re going to get 24 hours of pure exposure, to say nothing of the people like me who play that CHRISTMAS STORY disc even before the marathon comes, of Billingsley and if you’re an ad exec you’ve got to somehow, someway, find some way to advertise the fact that Ralphie is in this latest addition to the Aniston Watch compendium.

Again, that’s just me, but since I couldn’t really care less if Aniston is doing “ok” since her divorce I say go for Peter all the way. Since this first incarnation of filmic advertising was done before my world exclusive idea of how best to market this movie I guess I have to see what we’re dealing with here.

First and foremost, one of the better endings in PG movie history to come out between 1985 and 1990 is the final piano suite of Chopsticks when BIG comes to a close; you’ve got a cavity-inducing ending that’s sweeter than an apple pie left to cool on a window ledge and it was a nice way to tie together the picture together as a whole. Here, though, the same sweet melody feels appropriate when juxtaposed against Vince Vaughn’s smirky face (Why does he always look like he was just woken from a nap five minutes before the scene was shot?) and equally biting comments to, der, his ex-wife. The exchange looks uncomfortable and the capitulation of everyone on the couples bowling team when asked by Vince of whether he should be the one to leave the bowling alley, permanently. It’s evident that this is going to real popular with the ladies as they’re the ones who force the vote against Vince, I bet all the ladies will be laughing with the kind of knowing that they could see themselves forcing their P-whipped men to go along with them, present company included, and it’s here that Ralphie, our golden child, gets his full frontal shot on the screen.

We switch songs, themes, getting a pretty stale Social Distortion “Ball and Chain” inserted against Jennifer ostentatiously tossing Vince’s stuff around the home that the two of them share. Jon Favreau and, who would’ve thought he was going to be a part of one of the best things to come and go on television, Jason Bateman look on and we get a little more of Vince, again, looking like he was rousted by a fire alarm in the middle of the night, nursing a bad injury which comes inflicted by comedic heavyweight John Michael Higgins.

“There’s a really big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat…before you know you’re even in a fight.”

The above comment was wonderfully illustrated in the actual fight sequence in question and I have to admit it made me wee a little. Higgins needs to be in more movies, really. The man knows how to play a scene.

And the dovetail to this all? Ralphie asks for the bowling shirt back from the initial sequence to this trailer and, again, comedy gold erupts from the ground when Billingsly explains the reasons why.

This is a well-executed trailer.

Director: Bryan Singer
Cast: Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, James Marsden, Hugh Laurie, Kal Penn, Eva Saint Marie
Release: June 30, 2006
Synopsis: In this semi-sequel to the first two “Superman” films, the classic hero returns to Earth after having been missing for six long years. What he finds astounds him – the world he knew has changed for the worse. In his absence, the forces of evil have regrouped like never before. Even Lex Luthor, once an outcast, has risen to the heights of power in Metropolis. And when an old enemy from Krypton reappears, Superman must fight his neverending battle like never before, amidst a world that has forgotten what it’s like to have a hero.

Prognosis: Positive. I didn’t see any of the footage of the newest Superman movie at Comi-Con.

I heard it was really good; that Bryan Singer looked wiped out from being in the middle of production, being gracious enough to pay the geek squad a visit; and that what many saw gave them hope that Jon Cryer’s Spandau Ballet haircut didn’t permanently cripple a once great franchise. Did it ever get any better, really, than Terrence Stamp’s Zod? I think not.

What’s been done, here, though, has given me hope that what’s about to come to theaters next year could be an affirming moment in believing that as long as you have filmmakers on a project that want to tell a great story and want to treat the material with reverence without focusing on which fast food chain will claim the licensing rights to offer the Clark Kent “protein” shake, which I’ve heard consists of warm yogurt and an ounce of a secret identity ingredient, then you’ve got the power to resurrect the dead.

What I really like about this teaser trailer is that it really does what it should: excite, tantalize and amaze.

I remember the big hubbub about GODZILLA years ago was that the reptilian beast wasn’t going to be shown at all in any of the trailers. I remember that I was annoyed at this strategy. At that point in my life I was just a measly fan but I felt like I was on the outside, looking in at the film. The disaster that was GODZILLA at the box office proved that you can’t sit on things like this and this teaser doesn’t.

The tease starts out more like a annoying flirtation with that a third (!) of the length of this thing is just showing off who is responsible for resurrecting this property but that’s easily forgotten as Marlon Brando’s voiceover starts the theme of this movie: that Kal-El, even though he is going to be raised as human, not one of them. Those erudite enough to have read it Marlon’s sentiment echoes the crux of what Beowulf was all about and it’s perfectly apt here.

The money shot, one of many, starts right in with Clark falling through the roof of a rickety old barn. The way his body stops before he hits the ground, his arm covering his eyes, gives you a moment to linger.

And this is when the brass section of John Williams’ kicks in and you get a wonderfully composed shot of the early morning in rural Kansas. And that’s one thing you see a lot in this trailer: wonderfully composed shots. Singer’s eye knows how to frame a shot and nowhere is that more evident than in the shots of young Clark leaping through a cornfield and where dozens of people are staring up at the sky on a city street. The latter image lingers because of the way they’re placed. It’s done on purpose and it’s effective because it creates a sense of awe.

I think I do like seeing Supes walking stridently across a rooftop, on his way to connect with Lois, but I don’t think the actual presence of Superman’s being is better shown than when he’s pictured high above the land at night. He’s there, I can’t guess why he has his eyes closed but I guess it “looks cool,” but as he rockets back to Earth, that final crack of the sound barrier being broken is the best way possible to end this thing.

I cannot even guess what’s in store for audiences come next summer.

Director: Darren Aronofsky
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Ellen Burstyn, Sean Gullette
Release: TBA (What a shocker.)
Synopsis: The Fountain is an odyssey about one man’s thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. As a 16th century Conquistador, a modern-day scientist, and a 26th century astronaut, he searches for the secret to eternal life.

Prognosis: My Lord still holds true… I can’t say, like other, higher level, Internets writers, that I’ve visited the set of THE FOUNTAIN; my invitation obviously got lost in the e-mail. I can’t claim to have had wonderful, introspective chats with Darren Aronofsky as he’s editing the movie, either. I can only lay claim to have been in the room with other Internets writers as we all vied for his fatherly attention at the Comic-Con. The simple fact is, I’m jealous of all those other people who have had close contact with the man over this movie because there is no way you could be gestating this kind of movie, for as long as he has, without getting some great insight into what he’s been doing with this movie; I haven’t seen any of that with the other people he’s talked to but maybe I’ll get the chance before all is said and done. If this trailer is any indication of what Herr Aronofsky has been doing for the past few centuries I am officially on the PR bandwagon.

Not knowing what to expect from this movie, just roughly having an idea of what it’s about, I heard that the footage that was screened at the Con this year was confusing; it didn’t give people a solid grasp on things. The trailer here opens with basics. That’s what’s, initially, so good about this.

“1 MAN”

Okay, what this trailer needs you to do is think and process things a little. Yes, the gasps can be heard all the way back to the cheap seats of the 10:30 pm showing of VENOM but it’s fairly intuitive that what when this graphic comes up the one man in question is Hugh Jackman. I’m not going to break too bad on the lettering but, even in the post-modern sense, it’s not really demonstrative in the way that the teaser poster is. It’s pretty much a New Times Roman font and while it doesn’t necessarily take away from the really, really engaging visuals it is fairly disappointing.

That said, the first few clips of Hugh are really insatiable. In the first clip, with his haggard old school beard, the second, his coif perfectly intact but looking equal parts despondent and angry, and the last, and most curious, Bald Hugh with golden twinkling somethings dripping behind him.

You get no words here but that’s fine.

“1 LOVE”

Rachel Weisz. You get her in all sorts of good-looking-ness. It should be enough to state that her part here is obviously to be Hugh’s love interest but even without seeing them together you just feel the attraction between the two of them. It pulsates through the screen.

“1 QUEST”

Hugh is on the move in all three scenes, I particularly like Monkey Hugh as he climbs a very bright, Waiting For Godot type tree. I haven’t a clue what any of these things mean but rather than being bothersome it’s evokes interest in me.

“1000 YEARS”

I love this bit of the trailer. The beats of the tribal drum, kind of reminds me of The Drummers of Burundi, a wicked African troupe, mixed in with old Hugh as he races on his old horse towards a bright city and, as the camera twists angles in a smooth circular motion, modern Hugh racing towards a city in his car is just compelling to look at. There is a real sense of immediacy which, if you’re in tune with it, you just feel something’s wrong.

The ending, where future Hugh gets stripped of his clothing in a blinding white light, and where he walks slowly though shallow water towards a spindly, leafless tree, evokes the most questions but I think it’s fairly obvious of what all this is supposed to mean. It’s almost enough to make one go mad that this movie isn’t here yet.

I do hope the movie is as good as this trailer. From what I see here the wait between pictures from Darren may well be worth all the centuries I’ve had to wait.

And I think, as I’ve meditated on the imagery, what little there is to soak in, is that there really seems to be something that’s really evoked in the presentation here.

More than it just being another Aronofsky movie there is a feeling of three, different stories that are going to be told across a wide timeline. Sure, we know that this movie deals with the same guy, same woman, there’s the promise of the kind of movie that is at once traditional yet completely different.

My feeling is that the trick here is not just the successful completion of one movie but of the successful envisioning of all three stories. You’ve got to remember that you, ultimately, in basic storytelling, want to work up to a point where everything that comes after is just resolution. Darren has to take all three threads and make them peak in a complimentary way while also taking care to resolve them all so that the end makes you feel that while there are three stories there is only room for one ending.

It’s a daunting task, and writers who have had to live with one story for a long time can attest to this, but one that is also fraught with the danger that you’re constantly trying to remember what made the story so good when you first began.

Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig, Geoffrey Rush, Mathieu Kassovitz, Hanns Zischler, Ciar án Hinds
Release: December 23, 2005
Synopsis: MUNICH recounts the dramatic story of the secret Israeli squad assigned to track down and assassinate 11 Palestinians believed to have planned the 1972 Munich massacre — and the personal toll this mission of revenge takes on the team and the man who led it. Eric Bana stars as the Mossad agent charged with leading the band of specialists brought together for this operation. Inspired by actual events, the narrative is based on a number of sources, including the recollections of some who participated in the events themselves.

Prognosis: Border line positive. I think this is a weak way to open the movie.

One of the things which I took away from watching ONE DAY IN SEPTEMBER, a beautifully shot documentary about the real events which transpired in Germany, was a real sense of understanding. Up until the documentary came out I was only casually knowledgeable of the terrorist action which took the lives of a select few athletes, chosen soley because of their nationality, and why these things happened.

To be sure, growing up, I don’t think I was really taught the real reasons these kinds of events happened in the world, systematic tit for tat, xenophobia masking the war between peoples who true aim is the extermination of the other, but I think ONE DAY distilled all these things in a way that was informative, poignant and riveting.

So why on God’s green earth was this movie necessary? Is it too much to have Hollywood leave their grubby hands off of properties like this, I am also referring to the uncontrollable urges by one studio to spooge all over the already-perfect DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS, or historical testaments to the actual human condition which was represented just fine, thank you very much, in documentary form? No, it’s not too much at all.

I think that’s why I was a little torqued by the lazy construction of the trailer for this movie by setting things up with actual file footage. I get it, though, about why you’d want to do this, though. It adds immediacy to the movie, gives it a little movie-of-the-week, torn from the headlines, feel. People love that “Based on a True Story” jazz and it’s being played just as coolly, man.

The first hint of Speilberg’s flick comes in as some unnamed woman, an older woman of obvious and deep philosophical leanings as she quizzically states that every civilization feels the need to negotiate its own compromises”¦blah blah blah. I tell you what, the moment is drenched in falsity and I don’t believe the old bird for a moment.

And this is when Eric Banna comes in and I start to listen. Even though, for a first run through the trailer, you’re wondering exactly what side Banna is on, he’s some sort of assassin who’s gonna take out some of the instrumental planners of the Munich kidnapping, but the whole beginning of this trailer is about the moment when it happens, the kidnapping. Does Banna’s story happen after the kidnapping, during the kidnapping, before it’s supposed to take place? I shouldn’t be confused about these things as a viewer and I am shocked this trailer is bumpier than a Thai hooker with a”¦nevermind.

Adding to this mess is the inclusion of three other dudes who are there to, and I am not kidding, help Banna kill the bad dudes because these three other guys possess skillz Eric doesn’t have. You’ve got the crafty driver, the demolitions man, etc”¦ In case you want to visualize this I would have to say this is MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE meets Dateline NBC.

Now, there are some sweet explosions happening and the story looks pretty damn riveting if I just knew what the angle was. I think as we go along in this trailer I am just getting more and more lost with where my sympathies are allied. Is this movie trying to show one Jewish man’s quest to right the wrong like a latter day Hebrew Hammer, a Palestinian turncoat who is trying to right the wrongs in a Shaft kind of way? I dunno and as I try to figure this out as I watch this I can’t really be sure.

What I do know, though, is that Spielberg has a deadline steadily approaching, quickly approaching, and he may have to think quickly about what details need to be left in, what needs to be jettisioned, in order to create a movie that honors those involved at Munich and one that can resonate just as loudly as the documentary which this movie has to live up to.

Director: Peter Jackson
Cast: Naomi Watts, Jack Black, Adrien Brody, Andy Serkis, Colin Hanks, Thomas Kretschmann, Kyle Chandler
Release: December 13, 2005
Synopsis: A remake of the 1933 classic in which an expedition exploring a remote island capture a gigantic ape and bring it back to New York for exhibition. A beautiful actress who accompanies them is menaced when the monster’s love for her causes him to break out.

Prognosis: Negative. I like this one so nice I had to review it twice. Now, I’m not as cum in my pants complimentary as some people have been when this trailer hit “KONG! CLICK HERE!”, “oMfg! This is teh haxxors!”, “THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE ON THE INTERNETS FOR!” but I will point some things out that were first evident in the teaser trailer.

I do want to state that I did like the first teaser trailer that was released. I did, and still do, have issues with the soundstage look of the opening sequence. I didn’t believe that Jack Black, Naomi Watts, and that guy from the Coke commercials, what’s his name, Brody, were at all getting on that ship. I had issues of Watts’ captivity when she is splayed out in a position that was reminiscent of INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM when Willie is about to get roasted and I did take umbrage with the dinosaur sequence because it looked ripped from JURASSIC PARK.

These things said, though, I have to admit and be honest when I say that this trailer makes me feel all sorts of tingly.

The opening is pretty sweet looking. New York City, demolished by Kong’s rampaging, Naomi looking 18 kinds of hawt in that shimmering white dress and the moment these two creatures have with one another is quite believable. Jack Black’s ham-fisted voiceover is a little distracting but it really is about what’s happening here. There’s a connection and you can sense that. However, there is snow on the ground and Watts isn’t showing any indication that the turkey’s done; I’m calling shenanigans on that one.

The moments that follow just reiterate my earlier issues with the soundstage quality of the moment. Is it supposed to look like these people are all boarding a big ship that’s landlocked in the soundstage that’s right off the 405 in Hollywood? Because it does. Ignoring that, though, the approach to the “spooky” island which inhabits our primordial ancestor is quite good. There is some real LORD OF THE RINGS type infusion into making this mythical land actually seem hospitable and real.

I do, though, wish they would have had someone else fill in for the part of stoic-voice-which-is-supposed-to-draw-you-in besides Jack Black. It may be just me but his style just evokes this anticipation that he’s just going to cut loose into a Tenacious D ditty that I can’t quite believe his schtick.

The group of misfits who want to use this island as their movie location are taken hostage by a band of mud people who seem better suited to be playing parts in a new Cirque de Soliel production than they are scary natives who are protectors of the titular beast. It’s rather campy and while it’s supposed to be played straight there is just no way I could help but laugh a little as everyone seems to be freaked out by these humanoid aberrations.

Now, this gets good with the introduction of Kong. Kong is the centerpiece and when Watts finds herself wandering, wet and all out of sorts in the Savage Land that is this island I enjoy it when the music stops for a mo’ and we’re entertained with an extended moment with a T-Rex and Kong standing face-to-face. No doubt there will be some dweeb, geek, or dweeby geek who will actually start postulating the reasons why a T-Rex would have no problem with eating through a simian of Kong’s magnitude. What is important here, though, is that it’s a fascinating image to just let sit there for a moment. Note bene: When Kong thumps on his chest, right before he engages the “˜Rex, listen real close to the sound; I swear that it is the sound of two toilet plungers.

After this we’re treated to a real Land of the Lost, resplendent with larger than life mutant bugs, more dinosaurs (raptors included, natch) and a whole host of bright, manufactured jungle scenes.

If there was one really sweet moment, eye-candy wise, I would have to peg it at the moment when Kong, after storming through the streets of New York in a drunken rage, makes his way to the Empire State Building and then proceeds to knock the crap out of a machine gun blazing biplane. When he knocks that wing off with his one hand after a great vertical leap you can’t help but feel this might actually be a really good film.

All nitpicking aside I will definitely make this one to see this December.

Director: Gil Kenan
Cast: Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Matthew Fahey, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee, Catherine O’Hara, Kathleen Turner, Fred Willard
Release: July 21, 2006
Synopsis: Three teens discover that their neighbor’s house is really a living, breathing, scary monster.

Prognosis: Negative. I really didn’t like CHICKEN LITTLE.

I REALLY didn’t like CHICKEN LITTLE.

So what, a studio exec might say to this, because of the money it drew in but it was a crapily constructed, poorly executed, awfully told story which was confusing, incoherent and jumped from more storylines than your average Quentin Tarantino vehicle. Does Disney need Pixar? Yes, and it’s for the simple reason that I hope MONSTER HOUSE does a lot better than its poultry populated predecessor.

I think that what I like about this trailer is that this movie seems to only have one story to tell. Also, you have humans being the stars of this CGI adventure and you haven’t really seen that for films like this.

The opening is interesting when you understand that this comes to you executively produced by Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg. It just has “that” kind of tinge to it with the fall landscape blowing the almost bare trees clean. It evokes that kind of childhood enjoyment that fall brings.

The premise of the parents leaving for an extended period of time, having a hapless babysitter be in charge of things and a kid who seems genuinely dejected from life even before he sprouts pubes is just standard issue fare. The good stuff, though, comes when night falls.

Cheezy voiceover aside, and it is needlessly creepy, the standout here is the plot uses the premise of the strange house that every neighborhood seemed to have. The kids here skulking up to the darkened porch to ding-dong ditch, a pastime which I remember fondly, only to have the house come to life is interesting. The graphics may not be Pixar great but in a time when CARS, Pixar’s next flick, doesn’t blow up my skirt anything special, I am pleased with the vibe.

The kids might really be into this one because as soon as the house is established as the thing that is possessed and evil, everything else just pops and crackles with speed. The kids of this movie quickly establish themselves and even the speed with which the camera moves from one moment to another should be pleasantly accepted by our ADD addled youths watching this.

Also piquing my interest is the extended moment with the children who are going to be combating this monster house at the end of this trailer. Some po-po’s roll up to these kids, our girl of the group explaining that they have reason to believe the house inhabits a dangerous creature. I fully expect this to be a non-moment as the cops laugh at them and are about to drive off but, bickety-bam, the doors open, a rug juts out of the house, wraps around the squad car and quickly snaps the car whole into its lair before closing just as quick. The spinning hubcap is a nice touch.

Fan boy note: I should also mention that writing credits are going to Rob Schrab. Those who enjoyed fringe comic books in the early 90’s should know that name as the man who created Scud: The Disposable Assassin, one of THE best comic books in a time when foil-stamped, glossy variant covers for shit books was the norm.

Director: James Wong
Cast: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ryan Merriman
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: The third film follows high school student Wendy Christensen who fails to stop the fated roller coaster ride that she predicted would cause the deaths of several of her friends. She teams with schoolmate Kevin Fischer in a race against time to prevent death from revisiting the survivors of the accident.

Prognosis: I’d buy it for a dollar. My uncle died on American Airlines Flight 191 which crashed on May 25, 1979 in a field just beyond O’Hare. Short of 9/11 it is still one of the worst crashes to date. Recently, anyone who knows me today knows that I am terrified to fly. I don’t like it. I don’t know why I can’t handle it after 30 years of successful, thoughtless flights, but I can’t shake the feeling that every time I cross the threshold of an airliner that, upon takeoff, my bird will disintegrate in a wall of orange flame. Shows like Lost or even innocuous pieces of advertising only remind me of this.

That said, this is a great trailer. It really evokes, out of the gate, the very thing I’m terrified of. I wonder had I not been suffering with this recent affliction if the intro here of a plane being torn to shit would hit me the same way. I don’t think it would. Really, though, what I’m really impressed with is the fact that this trailer knows what it is and doesn’t presuppose anything else. That’s really nice to see in an age when you could see three different trailers on different networks and each one of them play to a different segment of the audience.

My own predilection for teensplotation flicks aside, I’m still having to defend to my family why I like BRING IT ON so much as a testament to this genre, I really do appreciate the angle this trailer is coming in at. Where once I would chastise a trailer for being lazy by just using snippets from older films in the series I gladly proclaim that this trick is executed in the proper manner.

The biggest point in this advertisement is that it wants to tell you, quickly, what the other two movies in this series were all about. Now, I haven’t seen a one of them as I think these flicks represent nothing more than a slam-bam-thank you ma’am one two cock punch to America’s youth who want to see filmic representations of themselves on the screen. That’s fine with me because I’m not judgmental, the world needs ditch diggers, and I like that we open this puppy with a dangerous plane ride where, I assume, some of our young, nubile protagonists escape certain death. Ooo”¦spooky! There is no voiceover, no crazy music in the background and I do have to commend the trailer makers for utilizing a nice scroll on the words that are chosen to communicate only the barest essentials about this movie. I’m genuinely affected by the sight of a plane jutting down to the ground.

I am a big fan of the lumber falling off the truck for part 2’s introduction. That whole set piece, resplendent with the wet asphalt look even though the skies are blue (Can anyone write in and explain to me why this is done? Why are streets always wet even in the best of weather? Hmm”¦I feel like Mr. Owl in those Tootsie Pop commercials), is good at explaining that, well, there is stuff that is out to get them.

Part 3’s premise? That a roller coaster is coming unhinged and is out to get them. I also loves me my roller coasters when I am able to head on over to Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois and I know that I am always thinking about coming off the rails whenever I am about to go over that first, steep hill as the clicka-clicka-clicka stops. Now, like I said, I am not really familiar with the series so I can’t say for sure but, one by one, people are eating it like crazy. Some chick gets Kentucky Fried Chicken-ed on a tanning bed as some water spills on the coils, some more killer moments come to us courtesy of some dope having wooden stakes, many of them, dumped on their heads, some bottle rockets go haywire (Please, hasn’t this happened to anyone when a pack of dozen or so Whistling Wizards get into the wrong hands of someone who has had too much to drink) and other creative contrivances.

Look, the film looks like oatmeal, no question about it. It looks awfully awful and I would never even consider renting this thing on home video but, for the audience this trailer is intended to reach, it does a wonderful job so I must give it some begrudging recognition.

Director: Darren Aronofsky
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Ellen Burstyn, Sean Gullette
Release: TBA (What a shocker.)
Synopsis: The Fountain is an odyssey about one man’s thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. As a 16th century Conquistador, a modern-day scientist, and a 26th century astronaut, he searches for the secret to eternal life.

Prognosis: Dear Lord Yes… I can’t say, like other, higher level, Internets writers, that I’ve visited the set of THE FOUNTAIN; my invitation obviously got lost in the e-mail. I can’t claim to have had wonderful, introspective chats with Darren Aronofsky as he’s editing the movie, either. I can only lay claim to have been in the room with other Internets writers as we all vied for his fatherly attention at the Comic-Con. The simple fact is, I’m jealous of all those other people who have had close contact with the man over this movie because there is no way you could be gestating this kind of movie, for as long as he has, without getting some great insight into what he’s been doing with this movie; I haven’t seen any of that with the other people he’s talked to but maybe I’ll get the chance before all is said and done. If this trailer is any indication of what Herr Aronofsky has been doing for the past few centuries I am officially on the PR bandwagon.

Not knowing what to expect from this movie, just roughly having an idea of what it’s about, I heard that the footage that was screened at the Con this year was confusing; it didn’t give people a solid grasp on things. The trailer here opens with basics. That’s what’s, initially, so good about this.

“1 MAN”

Okay, what this trailer needs you to do is think and process things a little. Yes, the gasps can be heard all the way back to the cheap seats of the 10:30 pm showing of VENOM but it’s fairly intuitive that what when this graphic comes up the one man in question is Hugh Jackman. I’m not going to break too bad on the lettering but, even in the post-modern sense, it’s not really demonstrative in the way that the teaser poster is. It’s pretty much a New Times Roman font and while it doesn’t necessarily take away from the really, really engaging visuals it is fairly disappointing.

That said, the first few clips of Hugh are really insatiable. In the first clip, with his haggard old school beard, the second, his coif perfectly intact but looking equal parts despondent and angry, and the last, and most curious, Bald Hugh with golden twinkling somethings dripping behind him.

You get no words here but that’s fine.

“1 LOVE”

Rachel Weisz. You get her in all sorts of good-looking-ness. It should be enough to state that her part here is obviously to be Hugh’s love interest but even without seeing them together you just feel the attraction between the two of them. It pulsates through the screen.

“1 QUEST”

Hugh is on the move in all three scenes, I particularly like Monkey Hugh as he climbs a very bright, Waiting For Godot type tree. I haven’t a clue what any of these things mean but rather than being bothersome it’s evokes interest in me.

“1000 YEARS”

I love this bit of the trailer. The beats of the tribal drum, kind of reminds me of The Drummers of Burundi, a wicked African troupe, mixed in with old Hugh as he races on his old horse towards a bright city and, as the camera twists angles in a smooth circular motion, modern Hugh racing towards a city in his car is just compelling to look at. There is a real sense of immediacy which, if you’re in tune with it, you just feel something’s wrong.

The ending, where future Hugh gets stripped of his clothing in a blinding white light, and where he walks slowly though shallow water towards a spindly, leafless tree, evokes the most questions but I think it’s fairly obvious of what all this is supposed to mean. It’s almost enough to make one go mad that this movie isn’t here yet.

I do hope the movie is as good as this trailer. From what I see here the wait between pictures from Darren may well be worth all the centuries I’ve had to wait.

Director: Len Wiseman
Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Bill Nighy, Shane Brolly, Michael Sheen
Release: January 20, 2006
Synopsis: WORLD: EVOLUTION continues the saga of war between the Death Dealers and the Lycans. The film goes back to the beginnings of the ancient feud between the two tribes as Selene (Kate Beckinsale), the beautiful vampire heroine, and Michael (Scott Speedman), the lycan hybrid, try to unlock the secrets of their bloodlines. This will be a modern tale of action, intrigue and forbidden love, which takes them into the battle to end all wars as the immortals must finally face their retribution.

Prognosis: Positive. “Hi, I’m Len Wiseman and this is my movie. I also wanted to remind everyone here that Kate and I are what some of you kids would call “˜an item’ so I hope none of youse out there even thinks about hitting on my old lady. I swear to Asgard I will get in my Trans-Am and roll right over to your parents house if you so much as write anything which would prompt a visit from me. You can’t see it, because it’s being covered by my Batman hat, which is a Warner Brothers property and might make some of my corporate overlords anxious, but I am rocking one of the most hardcore mullets you’ve ever seen in your life. You’ve been warned. Now, enjoy the trailer!”

Look, I know most people who make movies are very proud of their work. I would hope they are because passion is important in movie making. I did feel really awkward, though, when Len decided to intro this trailer. It didn’t make sense to me and it only stoked in me the smart-assiness which you see above. There’s no need for it. Even though it is a Yahoo! (insert that funny “Yahoooo”¦oooo!”) exclusive I don’t see how his introducing the trailer is important. When things start, I’m trying to remember what happened when last we left our leather clad superheroine.

A snowy village, borrowed from the set of VAN HELSING or at the least the remnants of the Hollywood burning of it, is ablaze in the dead of winter. Somehow this soundstage is the opening display of aggression between Lycan and Vampire in a Midevil WWE Winterslam. I’d like to say the display of horses, fire, CGI and battle axes is pretty sweet but it does look, well, staged.

No matter, though, as we are kindly lent information from the past flick to bring us up to speed. I usually abhor this kind of flashback usage but I like it here. It’s quick, to the point and it gives us more than enough peeks at the leather goods that are on display.

Now, the story is that there is the original vampire, the REAL original this time, no bullshit here my friends, the real vampire has some back to exact some wicked retribution against the woman who exiled him to the netherregions from when he has come back. It’s a bit hokey but Kate is pretty good with her fists and hands and legs as she disarms some dudes who I have no clue how they fit into the story.

Also, and I think this important, some other people are on Kate’s deliciously shaped tail and there’s some GOONIES style, dry docked pirate ship and it may have something to do with the plot but I am unsure of that. I am too busy trying to adjust my eyes to the non-light. Not that I am complaining or anything, I know better than most that this flick is financially necessary as the first one made enough coin to make some suit all sorts of hot and bothered. I don’t know why, though, vampires who come back from wherever the hell they were hanging out prior to their “resurrection” always have a British accent. It must be the vampires’ need to hang out with people who have just as jacked up teeth as they do.

The trailer near the end is full of bullets, glass, werewolves, some outdoor vampire flying which, again, must have been left over from VAN HELSING, a woman walking around in her undergoods and there’s even some tasty cat fighting between Kate and some blonde. That’s hot.

Director: Adam Goldberg
Cast: Giovanni Ribisi, Franka Potente, Joshua Jackson, Christina Ricci, Jason Lee
Release: November 4, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Sometimes somber, sometimes sly and self-parodying, and always surreal, I LOVE YOUR WORK chronicles the disintegration of Gray Evans, a movie star losing his grip on reality, unable to adjust to his own celebrity, and consumed by a twisted nostalgia for love and simplicity lost. A genre bending tale of obsession? voyeurism and the cult of celebrity.

Prognosis: Negative. Now here’s a movie which I see clearly for what it is but which suffers from a rather poorly constructed trailer.

This has a wonderful premise: a movie star starts “losing it” when he becomes obsessed with a stalker. The movie is packed with great talent, Joshua Jackson aside (he really needs to prove he can do something more than just hang with teenagers and “look cool” on the screen. i.e. CRUEL INTENTIONS, SCREAM 2, URBAN LEGEND, THE SKULLS, CURSED”¦), but the message and thrust of the movie’s candy center is diluted by manic editing.

The first person we see on screen is Giovanni Ribisi. Kick-ass talent. The man is the genuine article and it’s entertaining to see him affect the swagger and attitude of big time movie guy. Now, while the visuals are off to a good start you’ve got the worst chosen score riding shotgun beneath it all; it’s fucking morose and depressing.

Now, props to the trailer makers for getting to the point real quick about what’s happening in this movie, I appreciate that. He gets a freaky ass letter from a freaky ass fan and it sends Giovanni off into a paranoid state. No more than a second later we meet Joshua Jackson, looking all Grizzly Adams whilst working the counter at the local record/video/some kind of retail store, and we are to infer he is the crazy fan. The two of them meet but it’s rather cordial and kind. Giovanni is understandably freaked but here’s where the editing fails greatly.

The next scene we’re privy to has Giovanni jockeying a Minolta in a dark room, pointed, ostensibly, at Joshua’s place, and it feels all very REAR WINDOW-ish. What’s freaky-er is that Giovanni, gasp!, becomes obsessed with Joshua’s hot looking girlfriend and somehow gets some nudie shots of the girl from some 3rd guy who enters the trailer narrative and looks like a cross between some smelly French paparazzo and Michael Rooker, and I’m all sorts of twisted around.

The Morrissey lite soundtrack pounds in the background as words are inserted like this is some tryout to create a new Inxs video for Mediate or trying to channel the spazziness which was U2’s Zooropa, all of which I just chalk up to someone who’s just learned how to use their Apple, and all sorts of people start bum rushing the screen.

I see Franka Potente, Christina Ricci, Jason Lee and Vince Vaughn. It’s honestly schizophrenic but in a way it’s not because at least with schizophrenia you have the luxury of being introduced to them. I haven’t a clue as to how any of these people fit in this film or even why Giovanni slugs Lee in the chops, video camera in tow, and then see Lee giggling as he’s sitting next to him. This worries me. Not that I’m worried about the film but I’m worried that I am losing my own mind trying to understand what all this means.

In the end it gets a little too arty for me, and art is all about context, but the message is muttled and doesn’t really make that much sense when you try and peel back its rotting layers.

Director: Woody Allen
Cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Emily Mortimer, Matthew Goode, Brian Cox, Penelope Wilton
Release: December 28, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis:

Prognosis: Negative. I dunno.

I just don’t know.

I’d like to think that I am a pretty open dude when it comes to flicks that normally attract a female audience, I think that shutting one’s self off from any premise is pretty close-minded, but this flick is all for the chicks because I am not buying a goddamned thing this trailer is selling.

You do have Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, who did a splendid job in trying not to get into Kiera Knightly’s knickers in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM and Emily Mortimer who starred in the other flick I would put in my top 10 of the year, DEAR FRANKIE; I am way secure in my manhood to admit this, you understand, but I don’t think you go from English muffins, the likes of which are stuffed snugly inside her 501’s, to Scarlett. Well, maybe you do but when you watch this trailer you see how poorly this story gets executed.

Jonathan preys upon Scarlett in an art museum but what gets me is that this yet another cad story perpetrated by a different Brit. In CLOSER (a crap film if there ever was one and I can use my Texas Instruments TI-82 and an Etch-A-Sketch to prove it) you had Jude Law doing it to snag Natalie Portman but here you just have Jonathan trying to bag Scarlett, doing it, and then trying to cover it up with his real wife. Can’t dudes just keep it in their pants? Is infidelity that rampant?

Scarlett says that Jonathan honed in her like a guided missile but what she doesn’t realize is that the rocket was propelled by the Hanes His Way bannana hammock in his pants. And once you see him IN his Jockey’s and his voiceover response to his wife’s questioning about why they haven’t played Hide the Blood Sausage for weeks is completely unbelievable. The double entendres just fly like balls as the words “beat it,” “blow it,” and Scarlett’s insistence that she’s just a paid whore.

Everyone comes off as pompous and rather smarmy. I believe all involved want to think they’re being really cool by holding their wine a certain way or sauntering through a room in a certain style but you can see right through these people’s superficiality like a window sill selling puppies.

I love it when the violin music starts to get real tense and our players’ bombast gets all heady and serious. I think what it comes down to is that these people are cheating whores and for a flick like this to be a “runaway sensation at Cannes” I think I’m missing something. Is Jonathan’s wife a shrew? Is Scarlett giving him something that’s worth him unleashing his Johnson just because he feels all puffy “down there?”

What’s rich, and I must tell that I had a good laugh when it happened, Scarlett ends up being this psycho nut job and at one point Jonathan asks, “Are you threatening me?” Beavis all the way, people. You would think he channeled the spirit of Mike Judge. Hilarious.

Director: Joe Roth
Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianne Moore, Edie Falco, Ron Eldard, William Forsythe
Release: September 25, 2005
Synopsis: When her son disappears and is believed to be dead, a single mother blames an African-American man from the projects for the kidnapping, creating a racial controversy. An African-American detective (Jackson) and a white newspaper reporter team up to investigate the case, which they discover may be more complicated than they expected.

Prognosis: Ugh. I guess Samuel L. Jackson figures one more cop role has to be better than the one he played in THE MAN.

“Inspired by actual events”¦”

I think the opening is a little weak. The whole admission that he’s seen things that makes him less than able to have faith in humanity is pretty sub-par. I’ve been a cashier at a supermarket and have had to take a squeegee on a long stick to the bottom of a dumpster to loosen rotting fruit. Does that make me less than able to have faith in the farmers of America who make too much produce? No, of course not, but having a problem with people comes with being a detective. Duh.

Next, Julianne Moore literally saunters into a hospital and needs to tell our detective, Sam Jackson, rocking a gimpy ass hat which makes him look like an extra for the clown crew at Barnum and Bailey’s Circus, a little story. I don’t know why these two have hooked up but it’s all a part of the story.

And the story? It’s played out like a bad reenactment on Unsolved Mysteries. It’s literally flashed back in detail as Moore recounts being thrown from her car as a mysterious person takes her car with her kid in it. Now, we see Julianne in the middle of a forest, by herself, and I know I am not the only one who wonders why a person would be in the forest, at night, alone, with a kid in the back seat. I don’t know the answer to this but it’s hilarious as hell to see Julianne fake her shock at seeing her car being taken; it’s really overacted.

Things get great, though, when Sam Jackson gets on his walkie-talkie screaming for back-up, only to trigger a race war when some people of the community feel that the po-po’s are more apt to come and save a white child than they would a black one. Out of left field this information comes at me but that’s fine because it takes the focus away from Sam’s hat for a little bit.

Unfortunately, since this trailer can’t keep on track for more than 10 seconds with a single thought we swing into Edie Falco, quite different than her goomba queen role in the Soprano’s, talking about this one abandoned part of the world they all live by. I don’t see how this belongs to the narrative above, and the trailer really doesn’t convince me that it does. Edie has this crazed look about her and I am damn near believe she might have to do with the disappearance of this kid who may or may not exist. (You just can’t assume anything nowadays in films…)

We come back to the race war for a moment as we get all new looks at this abandoned house out in the forest which may or may not have something to do with this kid’s disappearance but it’s all tempered by the notion that this may all be a lie. The other scenes included just serve to obfusicate the matter even more by insuating that Julianne may be all sorts of crazy. Maybe. My head hurts. I’d like to say whether or not I can recommend this film but I can’t even tell you which genre this movie belongs in. My professors always told me never to mix my metaphors. They couldn’t have been more right.

Director: Mark Levin
Cast: Josh Hutcherson, Charlie Ray, Bradley Whitford, Cynthia Nixon, Willie Garson
Release: September 30, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: Two 11-year-olds find love in New York City.

Prognosis: Yes. Ok, I really really wanted to yell out “Busteeeeeddd”¦” in that same kind of tenor that Joe from Newsradio uses when he catches Matthew holding his gelato for the manipulative Elton John usage for the employment of “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” near the end of this trailer but I really like this piece of advertising. I really appreciate the story, more than anything else, and it manipulates me in a way that I don’t mind so much.

My first real kiss was with Wendy Krizeck after Homecoming in my first year at high school. It went off quicker than a flash bulb snapping pictures of Tara Reid’s exposed breast but it was a lot less satisfying. I hardly remember it but since my dad was present (I couldn’t drive myself) it did spark the essence of what I see happening in this trailer. It’s all about that one moment in a dude’s or dudette’s life when you know that boys/girls aren’t so bad and that your sole mission in life is now less consumed with trying to get to Mike Tyson in Punch-Out and more consumed with wondering how life got so confusing so fast.

Our protagonist in this story, a delightful little man, starts out narrating this trailer and assumes the duties for the duration. I’m really glad because he does a good job in bringing me back to that awkward stage when you know that the ladies are a good thing. The opening musical cue, and that rocking backbeat, really sets the tone for the rest of the trailer. The two kids yelling “I hate you!” at the outset, young love at its most impetuous, honest, take me back to when I saw that extended skit on Saturday Night Live, Dave’s Party. It was about the “What if” premise dealing with young kids realizing the complexities of relationships and this trailer captures both worlds with an “aww, shucks” gloss without making me feel retchingly sick.

When you watch this young boy going through the motions of a smitten puppy, seeing him walk into a glass door he thinks is open is a gag I will find perinnally hilarious, you feel for the kid and the trailer earns every saccharine moment.

And, lo and behold, who should pop up but Bradley Whitford. Man, I know when last he was in a flick I goofed on his performance in REVENGE OF THE NERDS II but this time I have to give it up for his sterling presence in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING; he was wicked awesome as Mike Todwell and so was Vincent D’Onofrio as Thor.

Not to be overshadowed by Bradley, Cynthia Nixon busts on the scene as the young boy’s mother. Now, I k now many people were shocked and awed by Ms. Nixon’s kinda, sorta, admission she really is into the ladies but I strangely don’t have the same reaction of seeing Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman together as a pair in Mr. Wrong. It’s ok here as she’s cheeky and adds that certain naievte every parent must have when love starts to bloom and you have no way of controlling what’s going on. (I could’ve done without the record scratch, though. How many more times must it be employed before it is axed out of existence like the word “bling”?)

So, the really cheap shot comes in when the Billy Joel “Someone Saved My Life Tonight.” I wanted to resist its obvious, facetious, calculated purpose but I was powerless against the slo-mo visual of our young man, crushed, by the weight of the heartless wench who crushes his little heart. Every dude who has a pulse knows that stinging pain that first love brings when it ends and is brought upon by a woman. What a bitch.