FRED Entertainment

Director:Justin Lin
Cast: Lucas Black, Bow Wow, Nikki Griffin, Sung Kang, Nathalie Kelly, Brian Tee, Jason J. Tobin
Release: June 16, 2006
Synopsis: To avoid jail time, street racer Shaun Boswell is sent to live with his uncle in Tokyo. There he discovers drift racing. After losing a race to Yakuza-connected D.K., the Drift King, Shaun has to enter the Tokyo underworld to find a way to pay his debt.

Prognosis: Negative. Let me just on record just in case any of the following herein is construed as obsequious or muddled: there is a better chance I would be the next guy to appear on a viral video having my rear pumped by a thoroughbred than I would be to see this movie in the theater.

Now, that said, let’s have a little fun.

First, the opening. I won’t be harsh at all here and I’ll even give a major nod to the trailer makers here for crafting a real sense of what this movie will be about and who it’s directed toward. I realize I shouldn’t end my sentences with a preposition but a major misstep for many marketing companies for all kinds of movies out there miss not only their core demographic but other segments of the audience as well by trying to be all things to all people. There’s none of that B.S. here, friends. This movie opens with roaring engines; hot ladies in mini-skirts galloping in their high heels because we all know that only the hottest of the hot from the XX population like to frequent drag races; highly neoned Honda civics, or Peugeots I can’t really tell; and, lookie here, a view of a woman’s butt, leaving over an engine. You then have the MC of the drag race, a Western-looking John Cho, asking some more good-looking ladies (why wasn’t I told that I should’ve been seeking out illegal drag races when I was a blossoming young man) if they’re ready. Oh yeah, they’re ready all right.

And we’re off.

The cars peel out and instead of the common drag race on asphalt we’ve got dudes drag racing in a parking structure. As a 30 year-old dude I didn’t know until right now that you could do that or that it’s pervasive enough to make a movie out of it. And it’s here that Lil’ Bow Wow, or is it Big Dawg now that he’s a little older, says that if you, “ain’t out of cont’ro you ain’t in cont’ro.”

Interesting. Besides the Jedi grammar-speak I see some Mercedes take out one of these hoopties with Bow-Wow asking us if we still need a dictionary. Nope, Bow. That dude wasn’t in cont’ro. Got it.

We then figure out we’re in Tokyo. Although, the voice over only says “on the other side of the world.” I don’t know about you but considering American students’ ability to not even be able to pick out their own state on the map I am thinking an INDIANA JONES style graphic, with a green neon line (that’d be pimp, right?) shooting from Vin Diesel’s manse straight over to Tokyo; it’d be nice and would do much good in helping our public school hopefuls.

Here we get our Paul Walker stand-in, looking fresh off the boat of Ford Modeling Company, who we’re told is on the other side of the law. Ooo”¦he’s dangerous, ladies, plus he’s”¦dangerously good-looking. Looking like he’s doing his best Blue Steel pose is ready to rock Asia like no man has done before.

The montage of cars, women, street fights (in which our protagonist will get his ass kicked but not hard enough that it would leave any mark on his face), clubs and more women is enough to make any male youth anxious. And I am a real fan of this “hero” for keeping it real by racing an old P.O.S. while everyone else has state of the art vehicles.

Director: Robert Altman
Cast: Woody Harrelson, Tommy Lee Jones, Garrison Keillor, Kevin Kline, Lindsay Lohan, Virginia Madsen, Jonathan Mankuta, Matthew Modine, John C. Reilly, Maya Rudolph, Tim Russell, Geoff Schilz, Sue Scott, Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Jim Westcott, Linda Williams, Robin Williams
Release: June 9, 2006
Synopsis: A look at what goes on backstage during the last broadcast of America’s most celebrated radio show, where singing cowboys Dusty and Lefty, a country music siren (Streep), and a host of others hold court.

Prognosis: Very Positive…It suprised even this Garrison hater. To any person looking to boost my car you now have this clue: I’m the guy with the NPR sticker on his back window.

True, being an NPR addict means getting a lot of quizzical looks from people when you ask them if they heard a story or two on Morning Edition. I’m not a snob, mind you, but I just figured people would know, for better or worse, about the PBS that’s made for the short wave. Part of my love for all things public radio means that I have to live with the fact that I would like to see Garrison Keillor kneecapped at the earliest possible opportunity.

I’ve got no love for the land of Woe-Be-Gone and it’s all attributable to Keilllor’s intonations and vocal style; it borders on abusive, really, with the way he sort of lip smacks and draws slowly from his throat. I know he thinks he’s making great radio for the masses but unless you’re collecting social security or are eligible to get a cup of coffee at IHOP at a discounted rate on Tuesdays then you’re only really reaching a segment of potential audience share. Thus, here comes Robert Altman.

SHORT CUTS. I watched that, I believe, the week after watching BOTTLE ROCKET when it first came out on VHS. I’ve been a fan of Altman and I think, honestly, the two of them together here could make a movie that even I would want to go see.

The trailer, I am happy to report, does stoke the kind of feelings I thought I would never have for Keillor’s work. Thanks to Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s antics at the Oscars I am even more bolstered by what could-be for this movie.

I wasn’t too giddy by the sight of Garrison’s visage at the outset of this movie’s trailer. His droopy features and get-off-of-my-lawn vibe in full screen frames the opening sequence as my blood pressure constricts in fear that this is how it’s going to be. Thankfully, we move quickly away from the stage, and Garrison.

The stock in this movie only rises a touch when the first celeb we peep is Lindsay Lohan; she’s not terribly distracting as Lily Tomlin steps in and shoots the first volley across the comedic bow.

“I’ll Give You My Moonshine If You Show Me Your Juggs”

Meryl shows us that she can be forgiven for SHE-DEVIL and in this multiple character piece, which I can’t figure out of whether it’s period or contemporary, it amazes me how Woody Harrelson can be funny even if he’s just delivering a couple of lines; he can be a comedic talent if given the right opportunity and I know I can’t be the only fan of Billy in WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP.

It’s not so much a definitive feeling that this is going to be a funny movie as it is just a lot of good signs pointing towards it but I am dismayed by Lohan’s wasted looking sway as she’s getting down on stage with her other musical cohorts in a song; I don’t know from what bottom bin sale she was found but her real-life persona is threatening to break the 4th wall of separation and for a movie like this it could be life imitating art imitating life imitating an anemic looking basket case who likes to flash her nipples at car shows.

And since I’m not going to let Lohan’s appearance besmirch the production on the whole I am pleased at what’s presented here. You’ve got the master of multiple storylines here to support a movie that would’ve been dead in the water for me had it been anyone else behind the lens. I might actually make my way to see this movie based on this trailer.

Director: Scott Marshall
Cast: Jami Gertz, Daryl Hannah, Garry Marshall, Jeremy Piven, Doris Roberts
Release: May 12, 2006
Synopsis: After attending a neighbor’s over the top Bar Mitzvah celebration, high-powered Hollywood agent Adam Fiedler, played by Jeremy Piven (“Old School”, HBO’s “Entourage”) is determined to pull out all the stops, and have the most extravagant celebration ever seen, for his shy, insecure son Benjamin.

Prognosis: Not even if they were serving gefilte fish. Where do they get these jaunty, smiley musical intros?

I half expect to see businessmen, dressed in their brown suits, lined up the delicately manicured streets of Nowhere, USA, donning fedoras as they all simultaneously cut the lawn. I do expect, though, to be tossed a movie that is not really steeped in any heady context, an unplug-your-mind kind of comedy.

What’s nice, though, right to begin with, is that Piven is in a fatherly role and although he’s not given much here, initially, we’re at least tossed the crux of what this story is all about. The Bar Mitzvah is one of those cultural events, on par with a quinceanera or a man’s first duct tape waxing of his a-noose by his drunken buddies, and the film comes out quickly to establish that this is all about besting the Joneses, or, I guess, the Finkleman’s.

It’s odd to see Piven in a role of playing a proud father but I guess I buy it. There’s something about trying to say that his all about a Bar Mitzvah, at one point we see a banner giving props to the Steins’ kid saying “mazel tov” but it’s not uttered that this is a Mitzvah of any sort. Is this because the trailer makers want this to be a generic, culturally neutral, “party” theme or because we don’t want to segregate audience share? I’m not sure but getting through the first quarter of this trailer with only a reference to the torah gets me wondering.

And where once my interest level in a flick that has a lot of cultural currency as of late with the big stories about 50 Cent playing a Bat Mitzvah and the book that was recently published about this subject which is a hoot to run through if any of you find yourselves wandering through a Borders, peters out kind of pathetically as Piven’s rival father, played here by the perennial antagonist to the protagonist, Larry Miller, starts to try and pry about the planning of Piven’s own party.

Again, the word party planner is used in lieu of calling this for what it is, there’s a really poor attempt to wordplay 50 Cent. “How much for 50 Cent? How about 17 Cent?” Whoa there, Leno, keep these jokes down to the minimum.

And just like that the Jewish-isms fall out of the sky like a full on blitzkrieg: we get Shamu donning a yarmulke, the Star of David comes out to say hey, Yiddish pops up its head and we are even treated to the party’s goings-on. It’s intimately amusing and poignant.

I think while the ending suffers from a really saccharine closing, with Piven giving the fatherly speech about becoming a man which completely confirms the idea that this “family” movie will have everything turning all right out in the end. Cue studio audience “Aww”¦”

And while I don’t find too much fault in things like this, I do have to make mention about Daryl Hannah’s facial credit in this flick. She doesn’t have one speaking role in what I saw here yet it’s shamelessly hinted that she’s an integral part of the movie by the ranking she’s given as we’re introduced to everyone in the movie.

Director: Bart Freundlich
Cast: Billy Crudup, David Duchovny, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Julianne Moore, Eva Mendes
Release: August 18, 2006
Synopsis: A smart, sophisticated comedy about the challenges of love and marriage among modern day New Yorkers, TRUST THE MAN features the romantic escapades of two couples: a successful actress (Julianne Moore) and her stay at home husband (David Duchovny); and her slacker younger brother (Billy Crudup) and his aspiring novelist girlfriend Maggie.

Prognosis: One of the best this year. Eva Mendes told me that I shouldn’t feel defensive about saying the words Movie Poop Shoot when I am out soliciting interviews. I should own it, she said. Almost a year later since she told me that I still think that was great advice. Odd, considering I had a physical reaction, not unlike a bad TB test, to STUCK ON YOU.

What’s nice about this trailer, though, is that I enjoy everyone’s presence here.

From Crudup, who was heralded as the next “it” man only to subsist on the fringe, Duchovny and Moore, well, not so much Moore, the opening sequence of this thing sets up everything that is about to be set off much later on.

Billy and David feel like they’re brothers, when in fact that they’re brothers-in-law, and have a good relationship. I don’t know why it’s the case but establishing a bond early between these two guys makes me feel that there’s something about them we as an audience can trust.

When we discover that Julianne publicly states that the impending marriage of Crudup and his ol’ lady is not so much sweet as it is “overrated,” the institution of it anyway, we see where there is going to be a little tension. That’s fabulous for a few reasons but the best one is that not only do we have a feel for these characters but we’re also getting an insight into the relationships these people have with one another. It’s just rare to get that quick of a glimpse so early on.

Next, we’re introduced to Gary Shandling’s presence as David and Julianne’s therapist where it’s made known that David has a more than healthy sex drive. This talk spills over to David talking to Billy and while seeing people get hit in the nuts with a whiffle ball bat is amusing, seeing a kid make a direct strike against the ball sack of David’s penne pasta incites great laughs from me.

The comedy comes delicately to a close as we descend like a Russian sub off the coast of the motherland before Alec Baldwin gets involved. The mood changes. Billy and David have some real words with one another about the nature of life and its natural ebb.

It’s announced that Billy ditches Jake Gyllenhaal’s sister, we’re not sure why and not told, but then Julianne sticks her albino nose in the whole thing and quickly sets her up on a date with a guy who has a shaky grasp of the English language. Again, I don’t know what you define as funny but foreign people trying to grasp English phraseology in movies is always a winner with me. What’s odd is that Billy is present for this “date” of sorts and I don’t understand it.

It’s odd in ways that need defining but we’re taken away from that moment to Billy asking David what’s a good flower to get a lady besides a rose. The answer is at once telling, it’s honest. Again, you feel close to these two guys as it seems that they have a genuine affinity for one another’s happiness.

The music changes and it’s “Wisemen” by James Blunt. I bring it up because sometimes you get just the right music to play against what’s happening on the screen and this is no different. It’s wonderfully used to what seems like images that are supposed to endear us to these characters even more than we are. It’s needless because the trailer earned that a while ago but it’s delightful nonetheless. The way we’re let down from what’s been built up is just as powerful.

To say that you’ve got to be crazy to be committed is smart in the sense that marriage between two people can feel that way, naturally, but it’s worded sharply, amusingly.

Director:Nicole Holofcener
Cast:Jennifer Aniston, Joan Cusack, Catherine Keener, Frances McDormand, Jason Isaacs, Scott Caan
Release: April 7, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: A drama about three married women, their husbands, and their lone single friend.

Prognosis: Negative. Yeah, let’s start off with the obvious.

Why would I want to see a movie where a bunch of preening, socialites who are more well off than I am have a spirited talk about where someone’s going to dump a couple million dollars?

Even if this was an inheritance, and these people are hippies who really only have jobs that pay them in hemp and Skittles, I’m not really identifying well with these well-to-doers.

Yes, by having this conversation we are able to contrast these people’s wealth with Jennifer Aniston’s obvious predicament as someone who has to work as a maid, which I don’t believe and have no ability to stretch my finite suspension power of disbelief, but who’s identifying with whom? I don’t like the rich people and I don’t believe Aniston. It’s especially bold to state that this was an Opening Night selection at Sundance when popular opinion has it on good faith that it was due to its star wattage and not necessarily due to it’s “independence.”

No matter, though, as Frances McDormand makes lemonade out of pompous pie. She really comes off as an especially likable character no matter what role she’s playing and her comment to a new mother about the size of her child is at once amusing as it is telling.

I’m not sure where you want to place Catherine Keener’s obviously vapid, stupid and/or drug addled insanity when the man who I think is her husband retorts to the question about what looks different about him by saying, “I shaved my beard”¦.Three weeks ago.” Oh, the laughter this stokes in me! Is this supposed to be funny or sad? I really don’t know.

McDormand brings me back to genuine amusement when she takes some line cutters to task in an Old Navy. She’s just spitting lines, I know, but she makes it believable enough for me to be right there with her but the moment cuts off too fast as I’m yanked back to the airless lives of Aniston’s friends who would be better off being stalked by a mass murderer than having to watch them complain and whine about their lives.

We’re treated to a philosophical Q/A with F.O.A. (Friends of Aniston) about the nature of sex and money and how one would help facilitate the other; real Einsteins, these people.

And, as if my attitude wasn’t bad enough by the end of this trailer, we get Scott Caan. I like Scott. I thought he was one of the best players in OCEAN’S ELEVEN. Not only is his presence refreshing but his quip back to Aniston when he finds out she’s a maid is, “Can I watch?” Yes, a thousand times yes. There are promo shots of Jennifer in her “outfit” and they are nowhere to be seen here. Bad move. Stupid move.

If you’re an exec and you haven’t figured out that even by showing the picture of Jennifer in her French maid’s getup might mean a few more bucks at the box office you need to have your head and nads examined.

Director: Aric Avelino
Cast: Marcia Gay Harden, Forest Whitaker, Donald Sutherland, Linda Cardellini, Tony Goldwyn
Release: March 22, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: IFC Films presents AMERICAN GUN, a powerful series of interwoven storylines that bring to light how the proliferation of guns in America dramatically influence and shape every day lives. A gun shop owner, an ace student, a single mother, and a school principal are among those profoundly affected. AMERICAN GUN is the debut film of director/co-writer Aric Avelino, and is co-written by Steven Bagatourian and produced by Ted Kroeber.

Prognosis: Positive. This is a gun safety video.

At first I think that I’m watching one of those safety videos people from work. When I worked for a grocery store I was compelled to watch a video where some guy and his boy walk up to an employee as the kid is literally draining blood from his nose. The guy wants the employee to put his hands on the kid’s face to help stop the bleeding. The video asked me what I would do in a situation like this. There is no such asking of an opinion here although we get some very helpful information.

“When handling a gun”¦Always keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.”

Good advice. Especially when you’ve got a table littered with semi-automatic weaponry. I kid but the juxtaposition of these words with the display of guns makes the point quite salient. There’s a nice tension of the black and white footage with the haunting music that is embedded underneath it all. The echoing gunshot before setting up the real plot of the movie sets a good tone.

Now, here comes the tricky nature of having a movie that has three, separate storylines. Good work on letting us know that there are three stories, first of all, as this helps those among us who are going to try and understand what’s happening. You’ve got Forest Whitaker, Donald Sutherland and Marcia Gay Harden leading these small vignettes and the hard part here is to give equal time to all the stories without confusing everyone.

You run the risk anyway of confusing people with a blazing fast trailer that hits the high points and money shots without giving much context but a movie like this has to be presented logically otherwise you run the risk of presenting a movie that isn’t quite accurate; not that hasn’t stopped Michael Bay from making trailers for his films but I digress.

All three of the stories here look compelling enough. You get the meat of the storyline quickly and without a lot of obfuscation. It gets dicey when you start having the players present start their bombastic acting moments, obviously reacting to heady contexts of their own, as I want to know what’s happening but there just isn’t enough time here. It’s done as well, though, as it can be. For that, it rises above the schizophrenia that plagues lesser films that just have to keep track of a few people.

Sidebar kudos go to Tony Goldwyn and his crying-like-a-little-woman display of emotions as a cop who just wants to have a good cry. I don’t know what has brought him to that level but I do know that I haven’t seen emotion like that since he was pissed that Christian Slater blew up the chief of police’s corvette in KUFFS.

The tempos change, oddly enough, and we’re left to ride out the rest of this trailer in the form of a musical montage. People are hugging, people are moving, things are happening, things are acting and reacting with our players. It’s a bold way to end a trailer. It’s almost like a party that’s really good in the beginning and is left to just run its course without any help from the host or hostess. It really does coast to the end on its own power.

I’m not sure I would want to seek this one out but the trailer does as well as it can for what it is.

By the way, I stated I would never assist any father/son combo where the young liege’s nose is a faucet of platelets. I was required to watch the video again.

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Cast: Robin Williams, Cheryl Hines, Jeff Daniels, Kristin Chenoweth
Release: April 28, 2006
Synopsis: Bob McNeive (Williams) and his dysfunctional family rent an RV for a roadtrip to the Colorado Rockies, where they ultimately have to contend with a bizarre community of campers.

Prognosis: Not a chance in hell, not a chance on Earth and not a chance whilst playing Monopoly. There is a need for there to be more family friendly fare at the movie theater, that much I concede.

I’m not someone who actually cares about these things but there is a contingent of the mass movie audience that will come out with fistfuls of dollars should there be something even middle of the road for them to enjoy. And, if I were a betting man I would put this movie up there with what THE GREAT OUTDOORS looked like many years ago; a movie that isn’t threatening to anyone, whose humor is based on simple slapstick and thinly veiled emotions of family togetherness and is destined for late night cable greatness.

I think it took me a full minute of this trailer’s running time before I had something noteworthy to say and, thus, proves my previous point.

I don’t imagine that the genesis for this kind of film was anything more than a germ of an idea that sought to have a vehicle, literally, where Robin Williams could just decompress after all of his “serious” roles that he’s been playing as of late. He’s a dude who lives in the suburbs and has a contentious relationship with his daughter and his son.

There is really nothing special about anything until the plot moves into its second act and we’re introduced to the 2000’s equivalent of the Grizwald Family Truckster. Now, I don’t see Williams mapping out his cross-country travels on a Radio Shack Tandy brand computer, with accompanying 2-bit sound effects natch, but I do think that we’re going to be relying on the chemistry between Williams and Cheryl Hines. Hines has shown herself to be a sharper comedic talent than Williams as of late and so it shall be interesting to see if one overpowers the other.

“Whenever a white man picks up a banjo”¦my cheeks tighten.”

As it stands, though, the wacky misadventures that these people are going on, with Jeff Daniels providing a nice comedic sidebar in this trailer, are fairly basic in terms of the level of edginess that seems to be present here.

If I could compare my feelings to a past trailer it would be precisely the way I felt about the RAT RACE trailer. You’ve got a road trip experience, some comedy tossed in to give it a fuzzy feel and don’t allow any kind of reality in at any cost. Case in point is at one point in this trailer Robin somehow, someway, finds himself hanging onto the front of his RV. He is rolling down a hill, out of control, holding on to dear life and screaming. He wheels past his family who has their back to him, of course, with Cheryl doing the whole “Did you hear that?” thing but it’s slapsticky. Parents will love it, kids will think it’s funny but, to me, that’s why I’m not going to spend money on it.

It’s all about demographical advertising and I am not on that list for this movie. Knowing where you level out, just like when Mr. Wizard taught us all about the density of different clear liquids, is just all a part of understanding what kind of movies are and are not made for you.

Director: Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris
Cast: Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Paul Dano
Release: July 28, 2006
Synopsis: This movie tells the story of the Hoovers, one of the most endearingly fractured families ever seen on motion picture screens. Together, the motley six-member family treks from Albuquerque to the Little Miss Sunshine pageant in Redondo Beach, California, to fulfill the deepest wish of 7-year-old Olive, an ordinary little girl with big dreams.

Prognosis: So close to making the list. Hmm, art for art’s sake or a really good movie?

I don’t know why but the eternal question for all motion pictures that skirt the line of being independent and those that are made solely because some studio head wants to see the wacky misadventures of some actor making waves that month on Access Hollywood will always remain.

I’m not sure how this one falls but with Steve Carell, the gotta-have-him guy for the moment, leading the way here I am at a loss to really try and see if this is really a flick that deserves the imprint of the ever malleable definition of “independent.” It’s a moot point, really, because this trailer really starts off well.

The family at the heart of this movie all gets their due in the first quarter of this trailer’s run time. You’ve got the questionably well-adjusted mother and father playing host and hostess to a son who chooses not to talk because of a long dead philosopher; Steve, who I can’t for sure make out of whether he chooses to be a live-in guest at his brother’s house or if there’s something else afoot; and the wily father character played by my man Alan Arkin, who plays crazy better than anyone else available.

You’ve got the obligatory pre-press for the film that flashes briefly on the screen. This is not only well-done in terms of the transitions from one to the next but the font and screen time devoted to these quotes are well timed. It’s easy to plaster big words and big name publications but they are done here with consideration for the viewer and that’s well noted here.

And, what else is really surprising, there is an extended scene that we’re left to watch play out. It’s daring to not just whip through multiple sound bite worthy moments but the decision to let everyone in the house know why uncle Steve is living with his brother, that he was in love with a grad student who didn’t love him back and thus made him want to kill himself, was a good choice. It’s not as funny as I would’ve thought it could have been with someone other than Kinnear being the straight man but it still provides the desired effect.

What’s more is that when we eventually learn that this movie is kind of not about Steve, although even after I watched this trailer I am not quite sure that’s the case, but is, in fact, about Kinnear’s kid I try and switch gears. This is about a beauty pageant in California and the road trip that ensues when the whole family decides to get in the ol’ VW van and head west into Cali. I’m kind of disappointed here as the interesting moments about this film trail off.

You get a whole lot of mugging to camera, ostensibly to show how silly this movie is going to be, but you don’t get any real substance. This is about one family’s journey to connect with something, I assume, but after learning about the pageant and Steve’s attempted suicide I’m not so sure there was anything left to get me in the mood to Steve bring the funny once more.

(Laughs)

You know, what’s funny I actually felt this pressure early on because he and I are best friends in this movie and I thought, “I am going to get some serious hate mail from Mewes’ fans.” Because I do not want to be the guy who steps into Jason Mewes’ thing and ruins this buddy feel.

But, thankfully, my character couldn’t be further from Mewes. I play a guy that’s anal retentive, a little high strung”¦so I don’t think people will be drawing too many comparisons between me and Jason anytime soon.

So, when is this movie eventually going to come out? I saw the trailer and it said this spring.

You know, I heard from Susannah and I talked with Kevin, I think the movie, for one reason or another, Sony is resituating the film so that Jennifer [Garner] can promote it when she’s still not working on Alias which will be around January of 2007. It’s just one of those things. Everyone I talk to”¦Kevin said, “You know who this sucks for? This sucks for Sam because we all have careers.”

(Laughs)

All I can say is one of the first jobs I got when I came out to LA was that I was cast in TRAFFIC.

Really? I didn’t see you attributed in the credits”¦

And the reason is because I was cut out of the movie.

Here was this movie where I thought, “This is a great stepping stone for me!” I was feeling pretty big in my britches and I went to the premiere to with my girlfriend and I’m sitting in the theater and”¦my scene passes. And I lean over to my girlfriend and I said, “That was the scene I was in.” She went, “That one?!” And it kind of dawned on her that I wasn’t in the scene she had just seen and she just kind of held my hand as my ego was horribly deflated.

Tell me, honestly, what was it like to just see that happen before your eyes? You could play it cool and tell me “It just happens” but really”¦

Yeah, I was torn. I think a lot of times in life, at least for me, when I start to feel really confident, there’s some higher being, some presence, call it what you will, that comes down and smites me and I…had been smoten. It’s just a way that keeps me from taking any role, or opportunity, for granted. There’s so many variables that go into making a movie and being a part of it that it’s just about being thankful for what you have.

Is that what keeps you going?

Yeah.

This is just an unusual job. On the one hand, I’ve never waited around for the phone to ring, I do work hard for these slim opportunities, these auditions”¦and my job essentially is auditioning, it’s not acting. It’s going into a room and trying to sell people on the fact that I am the guy they need to be in their product. That can be a very dangerous position to be in because you’re constantly trying to build yourself up and pat yourself on the back”¦I compare it, like I do to my brother back in Ohio, I’ve come up with an analogy: It’s like going in for a job interview with the perfect company, and you really feel this company is going to go some places and that you can climb the ladder and all these wonderful things”¦and you go in and you feel great about it and you leave and you start talking to your family about how this could be the best job in the world and you find out you don’t get it. Then, if you can, imagine that 50 times a year. It can be”¦no wonder actors can be so precious, so silly, because they’ve had to go through some really ridiculous things.

I am sure actors, all up the ladder, can tell you stories of being”¦insulted or cut down in certain ways.

But, it’s what I do, I’m not complaining about it, I’m really fortunate to be where I am, it’s just a process. I went on an audition yesterday and I got so attached to it because your mind starts racing about where it could lead you, what this could do for you or how you could better the film or role and then it’s gone. You don’t hear back from those people and then you start to think, “Am I good?” Yeah, we actors have such a strange sense, need for approval. I think it runs through all of us. It’s such a balancing act with telling yourself that it’s ok and being ok with realizing that the most important thing is our family, our friends and that what we do is not who we are.

Is your girlfriend an actress?

She is. She’s actually starring in a film that I am directing this summer.

What’s it about?

It’s called TAKE ME HOME. A woman gets into a taxi cab in New York and convinces the driver to take her across the United States. In the process, the two form a relationship and the relationship unfurls across the landscape of America.

One of the things that I sort of realized, especially with CATCH AND RELEASE coming out later, was that no one was going to give me these opportunities. People sit around in this city and wait for these opportunities to come to them. Even producers wait for a magic number, like people are all shooting for a budget. “If we can just get this money, we can make this film.” “If we can just get this star we can make this film.”

One of the things I found so interesting about working with Kevin is that I think he has a certain distaste for stars because they can come in and the movie comes about them as opposed to the script which should always be the most important thing about the film. You always have to serve the script and anybody who comes into the process should serve the script. And so, this movie, instead of shooting for a budget we are going to shoot for a date. So, when August 1st rolls around whether we have $5,000 or $500,000 we are going to shoot this movie. There’s no excuses now. It was a really important decision for me to make. I’m just sort of bulldozing and I am going to try and make the best movie I can by the time we start rolling film or shooting digital and it’s a really exciting process.

Did you ask Kevin for any advice?

Yeah, I’m going to sit down soon and talk to him about it but like the example he set, after CATCH AND RELEASE he said, “You know, I told Susannah, “˜Five million.’ That’s the budget.’ You make a five million dollar movie, it’s the perfect amount of money. You tell people, “˜Listen, it’s a good script, just be a part of it”¦” And that’s something he should be proud of because people are coming to that movie because they believe in Kevin and they are obviously huge fans of CLERKS.

And I will say this, this is another thing I love about that guy, is that when CLERKS II started he invited me to a pre-shooting party at his house and everyone had nametags and everyone was getting to know one another and that’s the way he has kind of built up his community. The people that love Kevin Smith love the fact he allows them a glimpse inside. His fans feel immersed in what he does and that is true. Everyone down the line feels like they are a part of making a movie and I respect that wholeheartedly. So, I am putting together my team for TAKE ME HOME and I am just utilizing that lesson I learned from Kevin.

We’re in the process of shooting it back in Ohio, pulling resources from the college I went to, trying to put people up in dorms, doing whatever we can to save money and still make it look like a 5 million dollar picture. Part of the process is also getting people who love the script, who believe in my abilities and are willing to go along for the ride.

Are you rearranging your schedule to make room for this project?

Yeah, yeah. I get too immersed in the process of making a movie that I have to remember that, “Oh, I get PAID to be an actor. Oh, that’s where the money comes from.” But, pilot season is underway and I am trying to give a lot of time to that as well but my heart has always been in film. I feel it’s like Harrison Ford who used to go into auditions where, he was a carpenter at the time, and people were mystified why he was preoccupied. He was like, “I gotta go build a deck in a half an hour. I’ve got to get this deck done today. Let’s hurry this up.” And, I think, as an actor when you give all of your vitality and all of your feelings of worth to another person or another company to a studio you end up kind of soulless and that’s just one thing I am trying to avoid. I am just trying to not let my ego get sacked by a bunch of people who judge me by whether my collar is ironed or not when I walk into the room.

How do you keep that in check? Do you say, “Well, I’ve got to do this,” regardless of the circumstances or is there some wiggle room for you to say, “I don’t have to go along with this”?

I think in talking with you I realize that I’ve never been cast for something where I was trying to force myself to be someone that I’m not.

The roles I’ve gotten are ones where I happen to be confident with who I was when I walked into the room and confident with the job I did when I walked out. That says something. Sometimes I want a part so badly that I want to immerse myself in it and hold it too tightly, as with everything else we want in life, but it shouldn’t be forced.

Thank you very much for your time.

Those soft, rounded globes pierce right through you and, I dare say, they were able to see my soul when I asked her a total of two questions during the press roundtable, which was more like one dude who felt compelled to ask every twit-laden question rocking around in his noggin and not letting anyone else ask anything, and when she looked back and answered my queries with a friendly countenance. Now, most fan boys seem the need to fawn over the notion that Natalie is the embodiment of all their geek wishes and dreams wrapped in this perfectly shaped feminine vessel. Well, she’s obviously more than that but I do admit that I felt a tinge of something very boyish as I managed to work in a question about THE PROFESSIONAL, a quintessential must-see for any person wishing to start on their education when it comes to Ms. Portman.

Even more than that, though, and I have to be honest, I think I was more in awe with the wattage that Joel Silver brought to the table more than anything else. I know the common “cool” thing to do is say his real name is Joel “Fucking” Silver, an moniker born out of homage to the man who made wearing black leather trench coats by every burn-out and overweight, goth wannabe disciple of Neo and Co. so badass, but please. How old is your average writer on most of the movie sites? Grow the hell up. That said, the guy commands a lot of fucking respect. When he talks, he does it so smoothly that you wouldn’t never guess that this man who is speaking no more than 3 feet away from me has been a part of a lot of big movies.

I do, though, have to give a sorry shout-out to the other two dudes there, the director and co-creator of V, who were all but ignored by the billowing amounts of backed-up sperm producers who almost saw their presence as an intrusion as they tried to get Natalie to speak even more.

It was a weird panel, one that would be repeated by the same kind of pole smoking at the Jack Black panel, which kind of freaked me out and I’ll discuss more of that later, but I liked the way things were going with the kinds of things people were asking about the nature of the movie. V FOR VENDETTA has a weird hybrid as the Wachowski brothers were tightly involved in the production, writing and day-to-day operations of the movie. That’s fine with me, though, as the brothers Wacho are a talented duo who needed to get the hell away from THE MATRIX for a while, yeah I liked Monica Bellucci in tight latex rubber but that only goes so far, and get back to making films.

Anyway, enjoy the panel transcription. At the conference was Natalie Portman, Joel Silver, director James McTeigue and producer by Grant Hill.

Natalie, I noticed in the clip that they played you had a British accent. Can you talk a little about that?

Natalie: I worked with a dialect coach, Barbara Berkery, for about a month and a half before we started shooting and she was with me the whole time and we would do exercises every morning before we started. So, I was pretty comfortable with it by the time we shot but it definitely is an extra thing to think about.

If you could, give us an idea of why you brought V FOR VENDETTA to the Comi-Con”¦

Joel: Well, V FOR VENDETTA comes from a graphic novel, comes from a comic book. So, it’s uniquely suited for this.

Yes, the kinds of things that are associated with this kind of genre, young male, young female, fan base seems to be drawn to Comi-Con. It seems uniquely suited because it is a comic book but it’s a great place to launch something because the viral Internet connection between the convention and the world is enormous. It’s an epidemic. And if something is really cool, and effective, and it works here, people seem to know about that pretty quickly. And I think it is run very well. This is a group that understands what we’ve done. It’s a pleasure to come here, bring everyone here and talk about the product.

The interaction here [at the Con]. You don’t get that at a lot of places. Talk about the kinds of fans you’ve met here”¦

Natalie: They just seem very passionate about this project, they really seem passionate about the comic book, the film coming out, and they seem united in their passion and I’ve seen it in other places.

Do you find any part of your life that you’re passionate about outside of your career?

Well, I definitely never attended a gathering like this. I mean I love music and I would travel far to see a band I liked if I had the time and cash to do it. Like, if I found myself in the position to do something like that, I would do that.

When you first got the script and you found out that your character is going to be shaved did you think if you would have to put on a skull cap? When did that conversation take place?

The first time I met Larry [Wachowski] and James James McTeigue. They asked me, “Would you shave your head?” And I was like, “Yeah!” Everyone else made such a bigger deal of it than I did.

It seemed the brothers [Wachowski] have done a little more on a movie that they weren’t the directors of. Can you explain the relationship between where the one relationship of producer ended and director began?

Joel: It’s the boys’ vision. No, it’s David Lloyd’s vision. And they [the director and producers of the film] took their vision and crafted a script, which they wrote even before we made THE MATRIX. The first draft they made of V was many many years ago and they came back to it after MATRIX REVOLUTIONS and they wanted to give James the chance to direct the picture. But, they were there. I mean, they were there everyday. They were on the set and they were very involved with the look and the feel of the movie. I mean the movie was directed by James, produced by myself and Grant”¦

Natalie: I also think that they are the second unit directors, they are also the producers and the writers which is more than most second unit directors so I think, just in that nature, they were a lot more involved than usual. In that respect they gave James the chance to create his own vision and do his own work. It was just they, you know, helped with ideas as writers and producers and second unit directors.

Joel: Grant, why don’t you comment on how they worked together?

Grant: Obviously, there’s a key family group which has developed through THE MATRIX films and into this. Larry and Andy developed a strong relationship with James as well as several other key people involved with the production. It’s very much a symbiotic thing. It’s very hard to sort out where the demarcation lines are, they are very much in it for James to make his movie. As Natalie has said they wrote it, they wrote the screenplay and they were very active in producing it and, fundamentally, want to make a good movie. And they wanted to give James the opportunity to do that.

Boo-yah, here’s question one of two that I was able to ask on my own. Not that anyone cares but I just thought to point that out for my own erudite and shameless reasons

Natalie, Luc Besson to George Lucas. Do you find that when you’re working with a European director versus an American director there are any fundamental differences that inform your performance or technique?

Natalie: I think it’s more an individual difference than a European/American difference. I mean, I worked with a few non-Americans. It’s hard to make generalizations but individual differences”¦all over the place. It’s very different of how people will direct you, like Luc Besson, like Larry Wachowski, like Anthony Minghella will shout things out to you in the middle of a scene, and there are other directors who will never say a thing. Woody Allen I don’t think ever said anything to me the entire time I worked with him.

(Laughs)

I don’t think he knows I worked with him. But, I think, it’s very individual difference but I think it has to do personality.

In the comic V is a terrorist but he’s also a good guy. How do you handle that in this movie?

James: You say he’s a good guy but he is a good guy, in the one sense, but he is a homicidal maniac. He’s not heroic in the sense that he only kills people that deserve to be killed. He has complete, absolute dedication to wreaking vengeance on people who maybe have changed their ways, who have reformed. He’s not really a good guy and I think that’s kept in the film. He’s very complicated, he’s a great character. I was quite disturbed when the idea of making a Hollywood movie about this guy because it would be so easy to make him a good guy. In fact, he’s not. He’s a very complicated character and he actually has a lot of the traits of the terrorists who wreaked havoc on London. It’s that complication, those nuances that are still in the screenplay and I think that’s very good.

Me again

Joel, you have a penchant for taking ideas and making them big. When I think of big picture, I think of you. When you got the comic book what did you see where you could say, “Oh, I could punch this up right here”¦”?

I acquired this thing many years ago in the late 80s when I acquired The Watchmen; I had them both and I was not able to hold onto Watchmen but I did hold onto this. I was intrigued by it. When I read it, it was black and white galleys. It hadn’t even come to America. It was just beginning to be seen by people.

I was just intrigued by this incredibly weird society and this story about this guy and this girl. And I thought, “I could make this movie.” And that’s how you do it. It’s almost 20 years later when we’re finally making it but it exited me and I thought we could find a way to make it great. And, when the boys wrote it and, again, it was before they made THE MATRIX, their script was effective but nowhere near as it was when they went back and did it again because it really came to life. It’s a remarkable film. It’s quite thrilling to watch it all come together.

Ditto, Holmes.

Is Watchmen out of your hands now?

It was one of the only DC comics left over at Warner Brothers. I was head of Fox at the time and I acquired it there. So, when I went back to Warners it was gone. And then it moved about town. But, I don’t know. There are now so many pieces of material that tread on Watchmen territory that I don’t know. When it came it out it was a blinding beacon that now it will just seem derivative because so many things have come since it that are based on ideas that are in that book.

Natalie, Now, what do you think of the message in the book?

Natalie: I don’t think necessarily there is a message. That’s part of what David is saying. It’s not a manipulative story that says “This person is the good guy, you should fall in love with him. This is the bad guy”¦” I mean, you definitely have one who you can probably identify with more but who’s heavily flawed and you can also criticize him more. I think it’s more of a provocative piece than a “This is what is what you should think” piece and trying to make you think, make you criticize, make you object, find faults in someone’s ideology or agree with parts. It’s not black and white and that’s why I liked it. It made me have questions I couldn’t answer or I had different answers to every five minutes and it has continued to be that way for me.

Did you see the script first or did you read the comic book, then the script?

Natalie: I saw the script first. The script had to condense a lot of the sub-plots to make it a film but it is very faithful to the graphic noel. I think that story”¦things that explore how we define violence is very interesting because we have many categories to how we define violence. Was it intended? Was it state sanctioned or is it individually sanctioned? All these things, we make sort of moral judgments and categorizations. That’s why some of these categorizations are in the eye of the beholder and that’s why some people who watch this will identify with the government and that’s why some people will identify with the revolutionaries. And that sort of openness, that sort of ambiguity, is interesting.

Last one, I swear

Women and the parts for them. It’s fairly common to see women in movies in the subversive roles and this part really has you in the dominant position. Do you find a good mix of interesting roles coming to you?

Natalie: Well, I see a lot of movies that aren’t very interesting for women or for men. And, in terms of things that I do, I have been able to find things that I am interested in and, when I don’t, I like not working.

(Laughs)

But I wouldn’t, like, cry over it if I couldn’t find something interesting. And, if you can’t find something interesting, make something interesting that isn’t movies. There is plenty out there that is interesting that doesn’t involve movies.

Director:Ricardo de Montreuil
Cast: Bárbara Mori, Christian Meier, Manolo Cardona, Gaby Espino, Beto Cuevas
Release: April, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: After almost 10 years of marriage, attractive Zoe discovers that her marriage lacks passion and surprise, and is seduced by the possibility of finding those sensations already forgotten in her husband’s brother. From this premise a series of events lead these three characters to a dangerous game of revenges, secrets and passions. Two brothers and one woman: the triangle is outlined in a disquieting way. It is a bomb that triggers family secrets, the contained rage of desire and the unmanageable power of love. An exciting story that subjugates the viewer from beginning to end.

Prognosis: Very Positive. I think that the natural evolution from being exposed to hardcore Latin cinema, courtesy of AMORES PERROS and Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN, has warmed me a bit to wanting to see a flick that doesn’t include dusty and dirty youths trying to get their groove on or wanting to throw down with the nearest available ruffian.

A drama about a woman who steps out on her husband with the husband’s brother? Throw in a little sizzle, a pimp pad where all this goes down, plus set it in a warm climate where you’re gonna get a pool scene where you things aren’t going to go well for our cuckolded husband? Nice.

I feel obliged to start out by commenting on the music that begins this trailer. The musical bed directs emotion, no question, and the music coordinator here deserves some love by popping in a track that not only is pleasing but sets the mood like candles on the dining room table.

When we meet the couple that will no doubt implode like a supernova by film’s end, I’m unsure if these are actors or Banana Republic models. It’s okay, though, as that’s what actors are for; you rarely see the ugly ones holding anyone’s attention and the fact that the dude looks like Jeremy Sisto’s long lost Latin brother and Eva Mendes’ hotter sister only ballasts my superficial interest in what exactly is happening. And I’m glad I am not blasted by plot points. We take time here and I appreciate just being able to soak in the atmosphere.

Also, and this is a mind blower, this trailer allows its players to talk. As is my theory about what film studios want their foreign language films to do in order to get people to see them, not allowing the native language to be uttered is usually the norm. Not here, though, and I genuinely love it. You get a feel for this couple’s relationship with one another and, after seeing her splayed out on the bed in her underwear, I can honestly say my interest level increases with regard to what seems to be the issue.

As this husband, this wife, talk you are much better served in defining who is hurting whom by listening to their voices, their intonations.

We meet the brother who treats his hair like it’s a refuge for birds but dresses nice and seems to have a vibe about him that lures the young wife away from her distant husband. What I like here is the slow motion close-up of our bride placing her wedding ring and band on the nightstand, ostensibly to start hittin’ it. We don’t see the act happen, we never see the brother and the wife kiss, it’s all implied and the husband’s questioning of whether his wife loves him is emotionally effective. I believe it.

The modern style house that all this infidelity happens in is great eye candy. The mood of the house also reflects the relationship between these two people: cold, clean, gorgeous but, ultimately, heartless. Our people talk, the subtitles come up and none of it is a distraction to me; it helps to establish these characters.

The highest honors go to this trailer and I promise to do all I can to see how all of this translates, ultimately, to the whole film.

Director: Nathaniel Hornblower (AKA Adam Yauch) (dir.)
Cast: Beastie Boys (MCA, Mike D, Adrock)
Release: March 31, 2006
Synopsis: A formally innovative feature film experience, the Beastie Boys handed out 50 cameras to audience members at their sold-out performance in New York’s famed Madison Square Garden in October 2004. These 50 different passionate perspectives shot from the point-of-view of the audience take the viewer deep inside the world of a live Beastie Boys show.

Prognosis: Positive. Now this is a concert film worth getting excited about.

Thanks to Chappelle’s BLOCK PARTY the party line about what can draw in an audience has changed a bit. You can have an entire feature filled with music and not run the risk of completely alienating the audience and my only hope is that hype meets with performance for this one.

“In a world”¦”

The Beastie’s have always been known for their ability to rock a mic but they’re also adept at being fun without looking silly. They’ve got senses of humor and everything from their video for SABATOGE (always a fun video to watch all the way through) to their first real single unleashed on the world, FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY, has always reinforced their ability to lay it down about injustices in the world while also telling you how great it is to be married, “rockin’ the sure shot.” That’s why opening this trailer with the voiceover that starts in with the words “In a world”¦,” one of the most tried and true tropes of trailer creation, rings that superciliousness bell once more.

The next shot that shows us the back heads of the Beasties, dashing past the pretzel concession stand while in slow motion, the building of anticipation for what’s about to come is executed really well. Most everyone knows that this is all being done tongue-in-cheek but it’s great fun.

“When pure evil reigns over the realm of humans”¦ “

The shot of the guy who is no doubt sporting Kentucky Mud Flap under his mesh hat and handlebar moustache, his hands flailing around in slow motion comedy, does nothing less than induce laughter in me; he’s a fan, to be sure, but I guess he gets credit for rocking out.

“Only the strongest can rise to the challenge”¦”

The shot of the swirling mosh pit of enthusiastic fans and churning energy that’s being released with every shove and push captures the rawness of how this show is going to go. I never thought that a Beastie’s show was so physical but the buildup of the three guys about to get on stage helps to foreshadow the fact that they are about to break it down in a big way.

What’s also important to note is that the switching perspectives that’s shown here helps to establish the fact that there are multiple people responsible for shooting this movie but it’s never said. The montage at the very end of what dozens of cameras recorded, I am positive, only whets the appetite for any casual fan in showing that this movie’s experiment to show what happens when you entrust the shooting to your average person is going to have a huge payoff.

I can’t say for sure of whether this will be an ok film or that they should’ve entrusted someone like Spike Jonze with directorial duties but the world needs more concert films and I am glad that this is the band that’s comin’ correct to the big screen.

Director: Nick Cassavetes
Cast: Emile Hirsch, Justin Timberlake, Anton Yelchin, Shawn Hatosy, Ben Foster, Sharon Stone, Dominique Swain, Lukas Haas, Bruce Willis
Release: May 12, 2006
Synopsis: ALPHA DOG is inspired by the true story of Jesse James Hollywood, a mid-level drug dealer from the San Gabriel Valley whose thirst for power led him to become the youngest man ever to appear on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Emile Hirsch stars as teenage suburban drug dealer Johnny Truelove, an ambitious young man whose lifestyle is a mecca for guns, sex and drugs. When a “client” cheats Johnny and a deal goes bad, he devises a plan to get his money back by kidnapping the client’s younger brother. But things take an unexpected twist as Johnny and his crew get caught up in the dangerous and violent world they once idealized.

Prognosis: Negative. I really don’t want to believe that Justin Timberlake is a good actor.

I try to spend all my waking hours avoiding reading about this pop pud and his string bean girlfriend but along comes this movie that everyone’s talking about and I find myself having to give that gimp a fair shake instead of recusing myself from the flick altogether. My natural instinct to dismiss the movie because of him but that’s just not fair and I’m glad I didn’t.

The initial moments of this movie play out like a David Hockney painting; the American idealized, suburban lifestyle is one that has been derided as being soulless and that’s what comes across as you feel the numbing effects of suburbia.

You’re given images of turnpikes, po-pop’s responding to a disturbance at the local Krispy Kreme, kids playing little league. This is when a woman, someone off camera, says that the kids who are ostensibly going to meet, are good kids. The latter statement usually is in response to something completely awful that a pack of juveniles who have been given everything have done and are in need of defending.

The woman goes on to explain that the kids were living the rap version of “the life.” Again, these are kids who spend their afternoon playing X-Box, possibly schmoking a lil’ weed in between while the parents are off making the money to afford the lifestyle they’re all accustomed to.

“Inspired by true events.”

Now this is my favorite tagline and I give props to the filmmakers for busting out this little wee factoid so early in the trailer; it always makes me pay attention a little more closely.

Now, I’m a little thrown by what comes next. Our pro/ant/agonist is Emile Hirsch who, we’re told, is the ringleader for this little tribe of teens who are getting involved in something illicit. Now, the assorted images of Emile and his “crew” don’t tell me anything. Yeah, we’ve got Justin Timberlake doing pull-ups, his skinny frame belays any attempt to make him seem tough, and we even have Angel himself, Ben Foster, talking in a riddle-ish type speak to someone who’s looking to hang with him for the evening.

It’s all very scattered. Emile tells some guy who owes him some money that he go and make himself useful by working off the debt but I am getting a little aggravated that we’re not really being told what in the hell is going on. Is it drugs? Is it a gambling ring? Is it a high school prostitution ring and, if so, why couldn’t this have been going on in 1993? (West side Barrington representin’, yo.)

We’ve got a lot of innuendo but nothing to show for it.

When I see that we’re halfway through the trailer I begin to think that, for sure, we’re gonna get some context. It’s all about context and even though I had a little faith that we would get somewhere I get Ben Foster, donning that creepy ass tenor he used when he was on Six Feet Under, as he squaring off Emile. Ben, too, owes Emile money and decides to kidnap Ben’s brother until it gets resolved.

The hostage is oddly calm and optimistic throughout this whole ordeal, which is a little weird, and, of course, Ben’s parents flip out when they figure out Ben is using that creepy voice from Six Feet Under again; nothing good ever happens when he does it.

And, then, out of nowhere, we get a card that says 3 days, 38 witnesses. Now, three days I get. I understand that. 38 witnesses? That’s a few dozen people and I haven’t seen a few dozen people in this trailer but then I get our hostage getting his flirt on inside a pool with some lady. At first I’m thinking I’m watching the video to the Smashing Pumpkins’ “1979” but I remember that this all about Emile.

I’m flat out confused. Is this drug related or what? Why was this boy kidnapped? I don’t have the answers to any of these things and you can lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of improper contextualization. If I don’t know why Emile stole a boy for ransom why should I care about any of these events? I don’t feel trusted as a viewer, like it’s a reveal that needs hiding, and I don’t like it.

I appreciate that the trailer ends with a wicked cool card that tells us that Emile’s character fled the country in 1999 and then was arrested in Paraguay in 2005. Now that’s the kind of “ooh” “ahh” I like in my trailers. I find it amusing that the final, final card tells us that the names, events and details of this “true” event have been changed for whatever reason but a quick search on New Line’s own website yields us all the information we need right here. It befuddles even me, people.

Director: Michael Caton-Jones
Cast: Sharon Stone, David Morrissey
Release: March 31, 2006
Synopsis: Novelist Catherine Tramell (Stone) is once again in trouble with the law, and Scotland Yard appoints psychiatrist Dr. Andrew Glass (Morrissey) to evaluate her. Though, like Detective Nick Curran before him, Glass is entranced by Tramell and lured into a seductive game.

Prognosis: Funniest thing I’ve seen all year. Two thumbs up.

“But you know I saw this movie this year called last year called ‘Basic Instinct.’ Okay now…Bill’s quick capsule review: Piece-of-shit. Okay now. Yeah, yeah, end of story by the way. Don’t get caught up in that fevered hype phoney fucking debate about that Piece-of-shit movie. “˜Is it too sexist, and what about the movies, are they becoming too dddddddd.’ You’re, you’re just confused, you don’t get, you’ve forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath huuh, look at it again. “Oh, it’s a Piece-of-shit!” Exactly! That’s all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a fucking title on it, put it on a marquee, Satan’s shit, piece of shit, walk away. “˜But is it too, what about the lesbian connot.. ddddd.’ You’re, you’re getting really baffled here. Piece-of-shit! Now walk away. That’s all it is, it’s nothing more! Free yourself folks, if you see it, Piece-of-shit, say it and walk away.”
-Bill Hicks, 1992

“People just are sitting there going, like, ‘I don’t care what she’s saying, I don’t care what she’s saying, I just want to know, does she get naked in the movie? Is she naked? Nude nude nude naked Do I see her boobies? I don’t care what she’s saying, I don’t care, I don’t care, is she naked?’ So let’s just get through to that…YES!” […]

And I called my publicist, who’s this great, Jewish woman…”
-The Sharon Stone Experience, 2006, while sitting down next to Simon Peres in Israel discussing her latest role in BASIC INSTINCT 2 by way of Defamer.com

My vote is getting cast early, children, for my favorite comedy of 2006: BASIC INSTINCT 2. I would put the Billy Ocean World Tour ’06 on my list of needless things right above this movie’s existence and I am doing everything in my power to not shred this thing before we’ve all had a chance to indulge in this trailer’s goodness.

Because we are an equal opportunity column here I will reserve judgment until we make our way through this one which begins, oddly enough, solidly.

You’ve got a nice wide shot of London proper, with po-pos, or Bobby’s as you crumpet eating limeys would say, all descending on a crime scene. Our detective in charge of this investigation, a rough looking man with his tie sexily loosened up just a wee bit, is ranting that some chick’s fingerprints are all over the crime scene and that a psychologist is needed in order to declare our “suspect” insane.

Now, while I am all about having a woman kept behind bars, the world needs more movies about caged heat, I found my nads recoiling as we see Sharon Stone, looking quite mannish, trying to affect the sexiness of a woman who knows she is on the other side of a wall that is littered with the faces of ladies who should just let nature take its course.

“So, is this where we’re gonna do it?”

Oh, sweet Lord, did she really drop that double entendre? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

So, she starts in with this psychologist by telling him that she’s a writer that toils in sexual perversions and power relationships that are about as healthy as anything you see on Desperate Housewives on a good day. She’s trying, really hard, to make us feel that her deviancy and lustiness are combos that will get dudes all schweaty in their drawers. Unfortunately, she just comes across as holding on too long like the old Asian madam in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA who is harboring the hotter meat in the annals of her cherry ranch; it’s sad, really. I half expect Kurt Russell to charge onto the screen but, alas, it doesn’t happen.

Not more than a few seconds later, the most unintentional, comedic moment happens. When her interview with the police’s psychologist rages on, Ms. Stone straddles a chair from the front. Instead of her beav being flashed to us the chair’s thick back support fully covers Stone’s privates like a big censor’s obstruction. I’d like to thank the Academy for that. It made me laugh.

I am at a loss to try and make sense of our psychologist’s attraction, and eventual giving in to, Sharon’s wiles. I guess the movie wouldn’t be as interesting if he called her out on her obvious insanity and delusions of grandeur but that moment when the two of them kiss I don’t immediately think this is a romance between two hot people; it’s an obvious cougar attack and our young boy has been vanquished by this woman who would probably fit in better at the Howard Johnson hotel bar on Karaoke Jam night than she would at a hipster night club.

“I feel like a cigarette”

Yes, Sharon has the last word in this trailer and I couldn’t agree more. For what better of an image of a smoldering, old butt that’s about to be flicked to the ground and twisted into the concrete to describe how this film’s going to be received?

I think if you’re going to see it, be open to it, don’t let what I’ve seen here be any indication of its goodness or badness. I just believe you’ve got to be in the mood to laugh.