FRED Entertainment

August 17, 2006

The Fred Hembeck Show: Episode 68 – Mock the Vote

Filed under: The Fred Hembeck Show — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:20 am

 

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Have you checked the news lately?

Yeesh – we’ve got over-heated politicians going on the tube, blithely anointing the recent mid-east conflict as the beginning of the long dreaded World War Three, and airlines are suddenly confiscating your toothpaste in the name of safety (hah! – tell it to your cavities)! Makes you long for the good ol’ days, doesn’t it?

A word of caution – don’t be TOO hasty.

Back on Election Day, 2003, I wrote up the following not-so-fond-reminiscence, a little thing I called…

“Dr. Strangemouth – or, How I Learned To Eavesdrop And Fear The Bomb”

It’s Election Day – what say we talk politics, okay?

WAIT! WAIT! Get your itchy little index finger away from that mouse – it’s not what you think. Yes, we most assuredly have our own political biases here at Hembeck.com, true, but – well, how shall I put this? Probably the overriding one is that all – or, okay, to be fair, merely most – of the folks who take up the political profession as their life’s work seem to spend most of it beholden to the various moneyed concerns who provided the necessary finances to propel their candidacies in the first place, while our dear friends, the politicians, in turn try their doggone darnedest to convince the public that – gee whiz! – it’s actually the little people’s best interests that they actually have at heart. Uh huh. Cynical? Yup, you betcha, but hey, after all these years, just try convincing me otherwise. Partisan though I may be at times, that’s still the way I feel deep down inside even about “my” guy, whoever he – or she – happens to be at the time.

What kind of attitude would you expect, after all, from some poor sap whose very first exposure to national politics had him totally convinced that if Richard Nixon DIDN’T win the right to kick his loafers off in the Oval Office, this future voter – and his entire family – was assured a horrible, gruesome death?!?…

Understand that we’re hearkening back – WAY back – to the initial run Eisenhower’s Veep made for the White House in the 1960 Presidential campaign. America had just cruised through 8 years of Republican rule thanks to the former World War Two hero, General Dwight D. Me? Well, I have absolutely no memories of the old soldier’s term in office, but Mom and Dad Hembeck sure did. Hitting the seven year mark several months before the odometer on the decade turned over, I eventually became superficially aware of the constant campaigning by the two candidates for the Big Job – Nixon, of course, and his Democratic opponent, some guy named John F. Kennedy (who was, for reasons I then couldn’t fathom, also called “Jack”…). The glitzy looking campaign buttons – red, white, and blue, of course – that we picked up at a mid-summer’s outing at a local fair did an inordinate amount towards informing my nascent political sensibilities. My parents, lifelong blue-collar workers who nonetheless stayed firmly and loyally on the Republican side of the aisle, naturally scooped up a handful of pro-Nixon paraphernalia, and I’ll be darned if Little Freddy himself wasn’t tremendously impressed by it! That man on the button seemed to have such a nice, pleasant smile! Fact was, he sorta reminded me of that OTHER man I liked, y’know, the funny one with the similar looking proboscis? Bob Hope, I think his name was…

Everything would’ve been just swell during the final months of this hard fought political contest in my insulated little corner of the world if only it weren’t for a chance remark I accidentally overheard one of my dad’s friends offer up whilst they were engaging in a discussion at our kitchen table one fateful night. But before we get to the specifics of the curious comment, allow me to tell you a little bit about the speaker in question…

His name was Turbish. That’s what everyone called him – Turbish, just Turbish. Years later, I finally found out that his first name was “Rowland” – which may well explain things. Anyway, he worked alongside my dad in the kitchen of the Suffolk County Infirmary, and was around my house, on and off, pretty much my entire young life. Even in the days after my dad passed on and I had the family manse dropped unceremoniously into my hands, Turbish would drop by unannounced. He was a nice enough fella, I suppose, though, frankly, he never really related to me as a kid. Nonetheless, I always found him sort of amusing. He spoke rapidly, always as if he were out of breath, AND in a high pitched voice! Picture, if you would, a cross between Ed Norton (NOT the actor, young people, but the patron saint of all sewer workers..,) and Barney Fife, and THAT’D be a decent approximation of good ol’ Turbish! And for someone who long ago had let go of the notion of employing a first name, he had this amusing affectation of referring to my dad as “Mr. Fred”! He was prone to exaggeration, but on that early fall day back in 1960, I was too young, too naive – and dare I say it? – too STUPID to know the difference between hyperbole and reality. And friends, it cost me. The price? My peace of mind (small as it may’ve been…)

Y’see, there they sat, yammering on and on about the upcoming election, and as usual, Turbish was doing the vast majority of the lip-flapping. Dad would occasionally interject a comment or two, generally to lower the exasperation level of the conversation, if for no other reason. He well knew his colleague’s proclivities, and always had a bucketful of salt at the ready. But to me, this fast talking, shrill, bespeckled man was an adult, and at that point in my social development, I took everything an adult said as gospel. Everything…

So imagine if you will my alarmed reaction when I chanced to hear THIS prime bon mot:

“Mr. Fred, I’m telling you, if Kennedy and the democrats get into the White House, the Russians’ll drop the bomb on us all by Thanksgiving!!”

The bomb? That would be one of the atomic variety, the likes of which we’d long practiced avoiding by – good plan! – crawling down under our desks at school. And the Russians? Communists, and America’s sworn enemy. We always seemed to be on the brink of total annihilation back in them good ol’ days, so, by golly, the high-pitched words of doom and devastation emanating from Mr. Turbish’s lips (kids still addressed adults as “Mr.” in those long gone times, for those of you who came in late… ) didn’t sound all that absurd. Not by a long shot.

Of course, they had no clue I’d been eavesdropping, and being the sort of family we were – i.e., minimal communication, if that – I certainly didn’t ask for further clarification from anyone. Nope, I just kept it to myself and worried. And rooted desperately – DESPERATELY, I tell ya! – for the man destined to one day be known as “Tricky Dick” to win, win, WIN! Barring that, I consoled myself with the notion that, even with the awful possibility of imminent destruction awaiting everyone just before the Thanksgiving turkey could be carved, I WAS, at least, guaranteed one last, glorious Halloween!…

Okay, so maybe I didn’t lose any actual sleep over the loose-lipped remark my shell-like ears had chanced upon, but even forty years later, I can still recall the overriding sense of dread I carried with me for over a month, as I internalized my own private countdown to doomsday. I did share my concerns with a close friend, who told me the whole thing was just a bunch of hooey (kids still said stuff like that in those days…). Of course, HIS parents were Democrats, so how could I truly trust anything they said? Weren’t they the problem, after all?…

No, the problem turned out to be my own gullibility. I went out Trick or Treating that Halloween and partied like it was, well, 1959, and then I held my breath as the adults went to the polls on the first Tuesday of November. The election? It was a close one, mighty close, but I think you all remember how it turned out. Yup, Nixon lost. No turkey for me – or anyone else in our soon-to-be-demolished democracy. But…

Then Thanksgiving DID come after all! AND it was followed in rapid succession by not only Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Day, the JFK Inauguration, but perhaps MOST importantly of all, my very own Birthday towards the end of January 1961! Glory be – I’d made it to age eight! Heck, we’d ALL made it!! Who’d a thot? I thereby learned a great and valuable lesson – political pundits, whether they’re smartly dressed on a Sunday morning talk show or sitting around your kitchen in their work clothes, the general rule of thumb is that they don’t actually know what they’re talking about, they just SOUND like they do!!

Well, as fate would have it, I soon became a big JFK fan – how could I not? Mort Weisinger seemed to feature him in just about every other issue of one of those fabulous Superman Family comics I had only recently started buying and collecting. And a few years later, when things really DID go sour – a little thing known as the Cuban Missile Crisis, history buffs – I remained blissfully and steadfastly unconcerned. After all, I’d already been through this drill, hadn’t I? You people weren’t gonna fool me TWICE! Little did I realize just HOW close the sky actually came to falling that particular time, but by then I was fully convinced of Kennedy’s extraordinary governing abilities. Even my parents and the excitable Mr. Rowland – G.O.P. lifers all – gravitated toward the charismatic young chief executive in those so-called days of Camelot.

As for Mr. Dick, the man I so desperately wished to be 1960’s winner – if only to assure my further existence on this happy little planet – well, come 1968, let’s just say my attitudes had, um, changed somewhat. At THAT point it was my equally desperate wish was for Nixon to LOSE, again so as to guarantee my remaining existence on this not-always-so-happy little planet for the then foreseeable future.

But that, folks, is ANOTHER story!…

Vote! Because, hey, you might as well.

Hembeck.com, Fred’s MySpace, or click here to send a personal message – I invite Republican and Democrats alike to pull the lever on any one or all three of these choices! And yes, Whigs too!…

-Copyright 2006 Fred Hembeck

August 16, 2006

Scrubs Blog: Writers’ Blog 2006 #1

Filed under: Production Blogs,Scrubs Blog — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:20 am
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Good morning/afternoon/evening and thanks for reading the first official entry into the Season 6 writers’ blog.  We’re Andy Schwartz and Dave Tennant, two new Staff Writers working on Scrubs this year.  For the past two months, we’ve started to learn how the Writers’ Room functions; the construction of scenes, how jokes are pitched, and even the development of character arcs. 

Although only part of the staff for a short time, we’re also beginning to understand how the show runs.  Whereas we began the year pretty green, I think it’s safe to say we’ve matured into seasoned veterans.  So to help all you aspiring writers out there, we present a fly-on-the-wall perspective, revealing a few pages of notes taken in the actual writers’ room.

 

Our First Day of Work (6/14/06):
As Bill Lawrence and the other Writer/Producers detailed the upcoming season, we eagerly scribbled away, trying to catch even the smallest of details. 

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Our Second Day of Work (6/15/06):
With one day under our belts, we’re still excited!!!!  A few day-dream distractions, but we’re ready for the rest of the season!

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Our Third Day of Work (6/16/06):

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-Dave Tennant & Andy Schwartz
Writers

 

 

Brat-halla #141: Norse Force – Jealousy

Filed under: Brat-Halla — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:05 am

by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with colors by Anthony Lee

Larger Comic Version | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

Brat-halla #141: Norse Force - Jealousy

For extras, visit the Brat-halla Web site!

Check out the preview to the Image comic Jeff writes…

E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | BRAT-HALLA BLOG | BRAT-HALLA FORUM | ARCHIVES

August 15, 2006

Quick Stop Contest #3: Princess Leia

Filed under: Contests — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:00 am

leia3.jpgYou want a chance to win the long sold out 1/4-scale Premium Format Star Wars Princess Leia figure from Sideshow Collectibles? And the Exclusive Edition of the Princess, to boot?

Well, do ya?

All you have to do is click on the big honkin’ link below, submit your entry, and hope the fickle finger of fate chooses you for this great prize”¦

 

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

 

The contest will run from Thursday, August 3, 2006, until Thursday, August 17, 2006. Be sure to check back after the contest closes when the winner will be posted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot Rod Fred Flintstone

Filed under: Toy Box — admin @ 2:40 am

 

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I’m a big fan of cartoon lines.  Simpsons, Invader Zim, Ren and Stimpy…Hell, I even have Cow and Chicken stuff.  Everyone always talks about the likenesses on real people, and how tough it is to do, but the simple lines and easy designs of some of our best loved cartoons are just as difficult to do in three dimensions as any human likeness. 

Humans are already in three dimension.  They also don’t vary in scale and proportion just because they turned to one side or the other, and they don’t vary based on the individual animator working on them that day.  Perhaps most important, they don’t have a ‘style guide’ that must be followed, even when it hasn’t been accurate in a decade.

The classic Hanna-Barbera cartoons spanned many decades and many classics, from the Flintstones to Yogi Bear.  Mcfarlane Toys picked up the license last year, and has just released their first series of figures, including two Tom and Jerry sets, a Fred Flintstone, Quick Draw McGraw, and Hong Kong Phooey.  I reviewed this wave earlier this week over at MROTW, and today I’m covering the deluxe boxed set based on that old Bedrock madman himself.

 

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 This set is called Fred Flintstone in his Cruiser, although I think the name:

“Hot Rod Fred Flintstone”

is more befitting.  Or maybe Rat Fink meets Fred Flintstone.  Rat Flintstone?  Fred Flintfink?  You get my point.

Packaging – ***
This deluxe set, like most Mcfarlane deluxe sets, comes in a box with a large window.  The set is laid out in the interior tray for maximum display potential for the MIBers, and has some nice character specific graphics and text.  I also like the light colors and kid-centric pallette. 

 

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One of the advantages of boxes over cardback/bubble packaging is that it is usually more collector friendly, allowing you to remove the figure and set without destroying the packaging.  That’s not the case here, and you’ll be tossing this box as soon as you’ve freed him.

Sculpting – **1/2
When I was a kid, I loved Fred Flintstone.  The predecessor to cartoon dads like Homer Simpson and Peter Griffen, he bumbled his way through the stone age.  He definitely wasn’t a complex guy, and there were certain things he did – and didn’t do.

The deluxe boxed set depicts Fred drag racing in some sort of hot rod.  As I mentioned earlier, it has a prehistoric Rat Fink look to it, and unlike his regular car which was ‘motorized’ with Fred’s own feet, it has an engine of sorts.  More on that later.

 

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The sculpt is decent in terms of general detail, scale and quality.  These figures are probably supposed to be in the same 4″ scale as the recent Simpsons sets from Mcfarlane, and that works out pretty well with the Quick Draw and Phooey, but Fred does tend to be a bit on the tall side when placed with the others.  That is, if you could place him with the others.  Fred is permenantly attached to the seat of his hot rod.  He does have a full body however.

There’s as much small detail work as you could get into a cartoon figure, including some terrific stone texturing on the wheels and car itself.  My issue with this sculpt is not one of technical quality, but rather aesthetic appeal.

You see, this isn’t the Fred I remember.  I’m betting at some point in some later version of Fred, he actually drove a hot rod.  Perhaps it even looked like this.  But this isn’t an iconic look for Fred, something people will instantly recognize.  It’s like having your first Homer Simpson figure dressed up like Ganesh – sure, it happened, and you’d recognize Homer, but fans would be left wondering ‘huh?’.  That’s my major problem here.

The deluxe boxed set in the second series will have Fred in his traditional car with the family at the drive-in, betting the ribs delivered, right out of the old opening sequence.  It will also have an individual Fred figure with Dino, hopefully also from the opening sequence.  These are classic moments, and I’m betting I’ll be much happier with those two.  Your dinosaur mileage may vary.

BTW, why is the little pterodactyl tied on the antenna (an early version of Sirius radio?), and why does he have a cigar in his mouth?  I don’t remember any pterodactyl’s smoking cigars…did Fred have a pet pterodactyl in the later cartoons?  We may never have the answers to life’s most perplexing questions.

Paint – ***1/2
The paint ops on all the figures and this set are excellent, with only the barest amount of slop and bleed between colors.  These figures sport a much wider range of colors than the usual Mcfarlane figure, and the quality is up to their normal standards.

 

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There’s a little gloppiness in the skin tone in some spots, and some of the tougher colors have issues at the cuts between them, but these are all very, very minor.  I’m particularly impressed by the stone wash, and how well it worked on the car’s body, although there are a few issues with consistency between various parts (hood, body, interior of engine).

Articulation – *
The only ‘articulation’ on this set is the front hood, which opens to reveal the true source of power  a small green dinosaur with the usual white tusk on his nose.  It’s a nice feature, and works fine.

 

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You could say the rear wheels are articulated, since they do turn, but that’s more of the action feature and I’ll cover that in the later section.

Accessories – **
There are no traditional accessories with this set, although the car can detach from the base itself, and the antenna is a separate piece.  The detailing on both of these is terrific, especially the base, where the grass and dirt detail is amazing.

Action Feature – **1/2
Mcfarlane decided to add pseudo action features to all the figures in this line up so far.  The deluxe boxed set has ‘wheelie poppin’ action, which means that the rear tires can lock into three positions up off the ground.  There’s no real ‘action’ since you have to lift the car off the ground with your hand and pose it in a new spot, so it’s more of a display option than an action feature.

 

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The biggest issue with this feature is that Fred is sculpted to only look good in one mode – all the way up.  When the car is flat on the ground, he’s staring down at the hood, and with no articulation or ability to move him in his seat, he looks pretty silly.  That makes what appears to be an interesting display option not really much of an option at all.

Fun Factor – **1/2
This isn’t really designed as traditional ‘toy’, but it could hold up to most play.  Kids who are lucky enough to get Boomerang from their local cable company, or kids who watch way too many Fruit Pebbles commercials, will at least recognize Fred, and kids always love cars, right?  Obviously, that’s the conventional wisdom.

Value – ***
One thing that all Mcfarlane figures are – at least so far – is a great value.  For around $22, you’re getting a technically well sculpted, well painted, decent sized diorama type item.  That’s a solid value in a market where a twenty is getting you less and less with every release.

 

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Things to Watch Out for –
Not much.  In fact, there’s little change of damaging anything in putting the few parts together, and little chance of having problems with the action feature.

Overall – **1/2
If you look at these photos and think this is one great looking design for Fred, than you’re overall score is going to be much higher than mine.  I wasn’t expecting much in terms of accessories, articulation or even the goofy action feature, so my overall is based largely on paint and sculpt.  Because this is not an iconic look for Fred, and because it is their first attempt at him, I was disappointed in the design.  If you’re not, then this score will easily jump up another full star for you.

The best thing about this set for me is the apparant quality, especially in the paint.  The Simpsons line has been a bit of a disappointment in that regard, but the higher quality paint here means that the more traditional Flintstones set in the second series, and other characters like Yogi Bear and Captain Caveman, are more likely to be exceptional.

Scoring Recap:
Packaging – ***
Sculpt – **1/2
Paint – ***1/2
Articulation – *
Accessories – **
Action Feature – **1/2
Fun Factor – **1/2
Value – ***
Overall – **1/2

Where to Buy –
These are hitting Toys R Us stores, if you’re looking for a brick and mortar retailer.  Online options include:

– Clark Toys has the deluxe set for $20, and the regular figures for $12 each OR if you’re buying the set, they have the best deal at just $50 for the full set of 5!

– Amazing Toyz has the singles at $12, the boxed set at $22, and the set of 5 for $55.

– CornerStoreComics also has the singles at $12, the set for $55, and the boxed set is at $23. You can also get all five and the boxed set for $75.

– Killer Toys doesn’t have this regular series listed yet, but they do have the boxed set of Fred in the dragster for $23.

Related Links:
I reviewed the full series of wave 1 earlier this week.

 

 

Party Favors: Slacker Shame

Filed under: Joe Corey's Party Favors — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:37 am

 

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NEW YORK CITY – Am I a slacker with no shame? 

When female friends saw that title given to me on The Today Show, they were very upset. “They wouldn’t call a woman a slacker for doing what you do” was a constant complaint. And many friends said I wasn’t a complete slacker since I’m always working an angle. But isn’t working a bigger angle, the key to being a slacker? What’s a more slacker moment then working for the Today Show during a local shoot with Katie Couric and joking with the producer that someday I’ll be featured on the show?

I don’t mind being called a Slacker since I was a slacker when Richard Linklater was working on an oil platform. What makes me a slacker? Perhaps it’s because my 401K plan involves scratch and win tickets. Maybe it’s the fact that my resume contains more bankrupt companies than George W Bush’s career? Probably it’s because I don’t give a crap about making the Fortune 500. Mostly it’s cause I’m willing to make fun of the rich and powerful on Fox News. Ask Jack Welch if he likes my letters to Neil Cavuto.

And you may ask how can I not care about my retirement? Just look at all those Delta Pilots about to get sodomized as the company destroys their pension plan? Why should I buy into a fraud scheme? Wouldn’t it do me better to invest my cash in Chicago Cub World Series 2006 Champions merchandise? There’s nothing safe about the future so what’s the point of planning ahead for it? You’re gonna get screwed. All planning ahead does is make you work twice as hard when the time comes around.

You buy a house and figure it’ll last you for the rest of your life. And you live there for 40 years. Then the city decides that they want a McDonald’s Strip Mall on your property so they kick your ass off the land and pay you peanuts. And the Supreme Court says your screwed. And you discover that in the end, you can only afford to stay at a crappy condo in a crackhouse. Where’s your future now? What’s the point of caring?

I’ve spent enough time in old age homes. Let me tell you, have fun now while your knees still bend without pain. Enjoy the now.  Screw sucking up to assholes because soon you’ll be totting your own oxygen cannister. Live like a frickin’ human and not be steered like a dogmatic sheep. Don’t follow daily marching orders. Try to figure out what works best for you. The greatest words you may ever tell someone you don’t like is “I don’t need your shit. Goodbye.” Cause you don’t. And if another people tell these assholes to go fuck off, they might realize that people don’t like them no matter how powerful they are. Remember when you’re on your way up, you need to be nice to these people because these are the same people that might kick your ass in a dark alley. If you can’t be happy at least be smug.

I hope I didn’t come off as smug on that show. Cause I’m happy. The freakiest thought I had while watching myself and my wife on TV was that we were the only happy people during that timeslot that didn’t have to overcome a terrible situation. I kissed my wife twice and it wasn’t done to  get the folks at home to vote online for us to win a free wedding. I was happy just to be happy.

Although I wasn’t happy about Matt Lauer’s rant about hanging out in expensive coffeeshops. Not once did I talk about coffee. I don’t even drink coffee – I’m addicted to Big K’s Citrus Drop. I was preparing to go Tom Cruise on Lauer. i was going to buy a plane ticket and be hanging out with those two guys that lean against the fence at 30 Rock. And then I’d say, “Matt Lauer, You don’t know the history of coffeeshops! I do!” In fact I had a fling with a cute barista that worked at Cup of Joe. She got more than cup of this Joe. The strange thing was her sweat was caffeinated. But why don’t I hang out in coffeeshops after such a positive moment? A few years later, I was supposed to go out with an Australian barista gal, but before we could work out a date, she got knocked up by a yardgnome of a guy that was sleeping on her sofa after he got dumped by his ex-girlfriend. It’s such a painful memory that for months I couldn’t smell roasted beans without crying. Luckily all that now is a foolish lifestory because I have a wonderful wife who doesn’t mind me kissing her on morning television. She doesn’t like coffee.

Campbell Brown seemed to like the concept of a stay at home husband who wasn’t going to unload his work funk on her shoulders. I think she was hip to finding a Joe Corey for her condo. Did I already mention that I think it is foolish that the Today Show is importing Meredith Vieira? Campbell does a great job as a fill-in. And I’m not saying that because she defended me to Lauer. Although that helps. What was the point in bringing in Meredith? What happened to fresh faces in the morning? Did Jane Pauley spend a decade jabbering with Starzilla? Meredith is old enough for Willard Scott to wish her a happy birthday. And she will still be hosting Millionaire. But NBC wants to play it safe by grabbing a big name instead of introducing America to a new sunrise pal.

I did get a little unnamed source action from the Today Show. Remember my rant about how NBC needs to keep David Gregory down in D.C. to be a pitbull in the White House Press corp instead of using him to pinch hit for Lauer? Turns out that it is Gregory that demands the gig. Gregory needs to choose between being a morning goofball or a nightly journalist. He also needs to lay off visits with Don Imus. A little mystique is nice in a career. That’s why I don’t appear on reality TV. I like to control the angles. You’ve seen my wall of DVDs, but you don’t know the titles.

And for those of you who missed my moment in the sun, it’s all here at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX4GRxVFYWE

ZITSTEASE

Brooke Shields is now pitching ProActiv for her acne. Will Tom Cruise get on her case for using drugs to get rid of zits? Will Tom announce that Matt Lauer doesn’t understand the history of pimples?

SPRAY THE GALS

I’ve noticed on body spray ad with Nick Lachey getting checked out by the ladies as he clicks away that there’s not a single bright, bouncy blond in the pack. Was that by design or fear of a lawsuit? Did he want to avoid being on the prowl for a Jessica Simpson clone? Or having to worry about Joe Simpson hitting on his new girlfriend?

I have decided to write a book called How to Make Your Marriage Last Longer than Nick and Jessica. I can safely make such a claim since mine has outlasted their vows. Here’s just a little hint: Don’t have reality show crews in your house at all hours.

JAYNE FEVER

When did going to the movies turn into “Meatless Fridays?” Sure there’s a charm to some of the theatrical twigs, but I like my women like my shampoo – Full Bodied! And thankfully Fox has put out the Jayne Mansfield Collection. She was an actress who didn’t mind playing up the sex kitten to keep your eyeballs on the screen. The set contains The Girl Can’t Help It and Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? These two classic films were directed by Frank Tashlin, a former Looney Tunes guy who went into the world of live action. Mansfield is almost a cartoon the way she jiggles across the screen. The films deal with the worlds of rock music and advertising. Girl Can’t Help It features performances from Little Richard, Fats Domino, Gene Vincent, Eddie Cochran and Julie London. The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw is a slight comic western that is best known for being the first Western made in Spain thus becoming the birth of the Spaghetti Western.

It’ll be great when Hollywood decides to bring the boobs back on the screen and not hire them to work in the executive suites. The biggest plus for this collection is the A&E Biography is uncensored. So you get to see the big highlights from Jayne’s Promises! Promises!

SEXYBUTT?

Is Justin Timberlake really bringing “SexyBack?” This song sounds like it was stolen from an old Nintendo game soundtrack. Shouldn’t I be shooting Space Invaders while listening to the song? Strange that he would say that he had Lance Bass’s back when his old boybander declared he was gay. Is Justine howling about Lance’s SexyBack?

You know who is bringing Sexyback? Roxy Music. They’re returning with a whole new album. You want sexy? Put Avalon on the cd player. Music as smooth as your date’s undergarments.

Justin’s record might be sexy if your date is tone deaf.

There was a recent report that kids with sexually oriented songs on their iPods are more likely to have sex. When I was a big prog rock fan, I never got laid.  My bed was pretty empty when I had In the Court of the Crimson King on the turntable. During my English prog rock years, the nookie jar was empty. If you want your kids to hear “No” when asking for sex, buy them Yes’ Tales From Topographic Oceans. Soon as I moved beyond Emerson Lake and Palmer, it was like a bathing in Axe bodyspray. Ladies were all over me. Even though I’m married, I still keep my old prog rock albums hidden for fear of being cut off by the wife after she hears Tarkus.

SCREW THE EMMYS

I’m not too big of fan of Emmy awards . It’s all politics and popularity with this voting body. What’s amazing is how many great shows go without getting any major nominations. You can forgive the Oscars and the Grammys for blowing it because they are about one shot projects. Some films don’t have complete impact until a year or two after they’re released. But TV shows? They go on for years. So even if the Emmy goofs overlook a show in its first season or two, you’d expect they’d catch on by season three. So I ponder why shows like Oz, The Wire and Queer As Folk get shafted by these alleged voters? There’s so many great performers on these shows and they get zippo respect. How else do they explain Ellen Bursytn getting an Emmy nomination for being on the screen for 11 seconds? She gets Best Supporting actress for 11 seconds?

I’m thankful for the internet age because I’m not tempted to watch the show. I can just click over to E!’s website and check on who has won. And I can sit back and watch something worthy of my attention like reruns of Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels.

So while the Mediatric clones want to hype up these alleged awards, you should ignore them. The only good thing about winning an Emmy is that you can use the trophy to kill an intruder. It is not a child-safe award.

GENE’S BALLS

I’ve seen the first two episodes of Gene Simmons: Family Jewels and it was somewhat entertaining for a family reality show. Gene’s a major prick. He’s too goofy around his kids, sleazy around bimbos and vicious around industry folks to be embraced. I’d love to Gene hang out with my dad for a day. Not that it would be major entertainment. But it could turn into a Highlander competition for jerky dads.

For all Gene’s talk about liking to hook up with other women – which is the reason he refuses to marry Shannon Tweed, we’ve yet to see him disappear into a hotel room with a Hooters girl. I’m waiting for the moment that the daughter can’t reach dad’s cellphone while the camera shows a locked hotel room door. Is he going to be all talk about being able to seek pleasure with other women?

The show itself has two major things going for it. Son Nick Simmons is an amazing comic talent. He’s so comfortable playing himself on camera that he’s allowed to riff off his father without hesitation. It also helps that he might be the tallest TV son since Chip Cunningham on Happy Days. The second thing is that instead of solo interviews, they have at least two family members on the sofa talking about an issue. It’s good to see the reaction of other family members. Nick’s golden moment comes when he’s stuck on the sofa with Gene in full Kiss makeup. The son pleads for home viewers to adopt him away from his demon dad.

Worse comes to weird, Nick can expect a call from The Surreal Life. Not sure about his band breaking it big. Doesn’t help that Gene stole Nick Simmons and the Electric Chairs from Wayne/Jayne County and the Electric Chairs. There’s a feud going on now between Gene and Jayne. Jayne’s already pissed because her first band’s name was Jayne County and the Backstreet Boys. Although in Jayne’s case, Backstreet Boy was meant as a gay sex moppet nickname.

Will Gene and his crew make us forget the Osbournes? That’s a hard trick since the Osbournes were a walking disaster zone. Gene is too much in control. I do have to wonder why a guy with a band and custom built house doesn’t have a soundproof practice space/studio. And why his office desk doesn’t have a computer? How does Gene keep instant track of how many Kiss coffins have been sold in Japan?

BEHIND THE SCENES TYPING

For those of you wondering what I was typing in the Today Show piece, here it is:

What more can I ask for? How about those tickets to the Playboy Mansion? Although I’m probably still on the list for insisting that Hef has Ozzy’s control problems. And what’s up with this year’s Ozzfest turning into a craptaculatr? When I saw the tour,  it was Sabbath and Judas Priest and even Slip Knot – this year it’s a bunch of bands that I wouldn’t sell to my mother’s aunt for yardwork. Ick. Now the camera is up on my face and

SLIP ONS

The shot in Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” where she puts on her high heels needs to go in the shoe fetish hall of fame.

NAKED TRAVEL

Now I can’t pack toothpaste in my carry on bag for plane flights? We should just show up at the airport naked and be forced to buy all new clothes at our destination.

PISS ON PARIS

Did I not predict that I could win the Tour De France with a bottle of clean urine? I enjoyed watching the X Games last week because half of the commentary on the events wasn’t taken up by discussions of doping and waiting for the winners to piss before they can talk to the press. Granted half of the people competing for X Games’ Gold couldn’t pass a piss test to get a job a 7-Eleven. But who cares? I want to see some death defying twirls. And Party Favors wishes Dave Mirra a speedy recovery from lacerating his liver. Isn’t that something that happens from drinking too much Goldschlager?

 

August 14, 2006

Interview: Maurice LaMarche

Filed under: Interviews — UncaScroogeMcD @ 6:42 am

-by Ken Plume

When it comes to the kind of subjects I get it into my fool head to interview, they generally tend to be choices that your average celeb-chaser would blink twice at and then move on, with little comprehension of the fascinating people and careers that exist outside of names like Pitt, Gibson, Cruise, or Hilton.

A few years back, I decided to begin interviewing cartoon voice actors. Spurred on by a love of animation and a deep respect for the often unsung actors who bring characters like Homer, Spongebob, Bugs Bunny, Ludwig Von Drake, Fry, Tigger, Huckleberry Hound (the list could go on, and on, and on), and many more to life, I set about doing in-depth interviews with as many voice actors (who would a) grant the request and b) not hang up) as possible.

Due to various delays and scheduling snafus, many of these in-depth pieces have sat on the proverbial shelf for the past few years, but are finally being presented here at Quick Stop.

The first interview from the vaults is with an amazingly gifted voice actor who an entire generation is familiar with as one half of Pinky & The Brain (the big-headed, world dominance craving Brain half), Maurice LaMarche. Suffice it to say, he’s had a fascinating and varied career, and I’d much rather leave it to the interview, and his own words, to tell you more…

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mo-01.jpgMAURICE LAMARCHE: Hey, Ken. Maurice here.

KEN PLUME: It’s a pleasure to be speaking with you.

LAMARCHE: Nice to speak with you. I wanted to do this from the pool of my Beverly Hills mansion, but I realized I don’t have one.  I’m gonna have to settle for parking on a side street in Beverly Hills and pulling out a Cuban cigar.

KP: Aren’t there loaner pools for voice actors?

LAMARCHE: I don’t know.  I wonder if there are talent pools for voice actors, and I hope to find one.

KP: So you would you prefer Maurice, Mr. LaMarche, or just Sir?

LAMARCHE: Mo. Everybody calls me Mo.

KP: You’re Canadian, right?

LAMARCHE: I am.

KP: Born in the late 50’s…

LAMARCHE: Yes, 1958.

KP: Were you raised in Canada?

LAMARCHE: I was not farm raised or grain fed, but yes, I was raised in Toronto.  Actually, I started life in Toronto and then immediately, almost like right out of the maternity ward, we moved to a little town called Timmins, Ontario, which is where Shania Twain is from.

KP: There’s sort of a time warp aspect to the more rural areas of Canada.

LAMARCHE: Yes, but I left when I was four so it was still the hippest place going as far as I was concerned.  Except for the 25 degree below zero days in May.  But other than that, it was all I knew. But it did give me the hardy texture I have today in terms of dealing with cold and all… I mean, I still go out in shirt sleeves in, you know, 40 degree weather out here, and people marvel at it.  My blood was thickened at an early age.

KP: That’s as frigid as it gets in L.A., isn’t it?

LAMARCHE: Oh yes.

KP: What were the cultural aspects that you were exposed to at that time?  Canada at that time is a weird sort of cultural prism, and the elements weren’t exactly what we here in the U.S. would have had.

LAMARCHE: It’s a bit of a bubble, I’d have to say, culturally.  I think a lot of staying in. The most important thing to do when you were a kid in Canada was to somehow get home from school without freezing to death, and going right inside and watching afternoon television.  So you always got a healthy dose of Star Trek and Batman and the Commander Tom show, which was a local cartoon host show.  Lots of butter tarts, which are this gooey, very fattening food which are needed to put a layer of blubber on most of us so that we can withstand the cold.  A lot of pain, a lot of tourtiere, which is a French Canadian meat pie.  Just warm, fatty comfort foods, you know, once you get in the door.  And a lot of Hockey Night in Canada, which was very difficult for me, because I’m the only heterosexual Canadian male born without the hockey gene.

KP: How did that affect you growing up?

LAMARCHE: There are flaming drag queens in Canada that care more about hockey than I do. And I don’t know how the hell that happened because my father palled around with the Mahovlich brothers and Al Arbor in his childhood.  He was from Timmins, and that’s where they’re all from, and if it wasn’t for his height, he actually might have made at least the farm teams. He was very talented as a hockey player and a natural athlete, and could skate rings around people.  It was actually fascinating to watch. 

KP: So did you have issues with coordination?

LAMARCHE: I just didn’t care.  It just didn’t register.  Didn’t appear as a blip on my radar.  It was none of my business.  The game going on at the Maple Leaf Gardens was no more my business than the fight my neighbors five doors down were having.

KP: In Canada, that’s almost unpatriotic.

LAMARCHE: It is, absolutely, and I was ostracized.  Even from my father.   He couldn’t figure me out.  He thought it was blasphemy that here I was this French Canadian kid and I didn’t care about hockey.

KP: I can’t imagine how you would try and relate to the other kids then.

LAMARCHE: I didn’t.  So hence I went into my own little world of cartoons and sixties television. There was a show on local TV there called Tiny Talent Time, and much like Bobby from King of the Hill, I remember going to my parents and telling them I wanted to go on Tiny Talent Time, and be a comedian.  And all they had was kids from the age of four to eleven doing their talent. It was a really cheesy show.  And I remember my grandmother said, “You wanna be a what?  A comedian? Oh, I can’t imagine anything so frickin’ ridiculous.”

KP: So not only did you lack the hockey gene, but you wanted to be an entertainer.

LAMARCHE: Yes. Now, my family were all natural entertainers.  My grandfather on my mother’s side was a master mimic.  He wasn’t professional, but he was well known in his group of friends for his impressions of Maurice Chevalier and Adolph Hitler.

KP: What a winning combination.

LAMARCHE: Yes.  Of course, you’ve got to realize this was pre-holocaust in the war.  He was just sort of this mean guy in Germany.  After the Nuremburg Trials the true horror of what he had done really began to spread through the world, but before that, he was just looked at as this aggressive SOB over in Europe and it was really none of anybody’s business.  So my grandfather did a great Hitler, a great Maurice Chevalier.  And my mother also could mimic any one of her friends.  She didn’t do famous people, but she would relate stories of conversations she’d had with her friends, and play all the friends in the conversation. You knew exactly who was talking, and four people were talking in this story. She kept it very, very distinct and separate and spoke in their voices, and she was a wonderful storyteller and joke teller.  My father had a very sardonic sort of sense of humor and just ridiculed everything.  So the two of them… my father couldn’t tell a joke to save his life, but my father denied the two main rules of comedy – which is brevity is the soul of wit and… well, this is more of an anti-rule – the joke is always about somebody else. It’s always about two Jews walk into a bar.  You don’t say, “I happened to walk into a tavern with two men of the Judaic faith.” My father would always cast himself as a character in the joke, completely ruining it.  I mean, God rest his soul, but I don’t know…

KP: So he had both timing and structure issues.

LAMARCHE: Absolutely.  But let somebody cut him off on the freeway, and my father could launch into a string of expletives – understated expletives – sarcastic, cutting references to the person that would have you on the floor laughing.  So my father was unintentionally funny whenever he tapped into his anger.  My mother, wonderful raconteur and mimic… and these two things missed me entirely.  No, I guess they sort of came together in me and formed whatever sense of humor and comedy that I have.

mo-02.jpgQS: Did you get a sense at that point that the mimicry ability and humor was not something that everyone had?

LAMARCHE: Yes. I felt like I’d escaped from the bottled city of Kandor.

KP: And making a very nice  Superman reference.

LAMARCHE: Yes indeed.  And coming here, it’s like going back into the bottled city of Kandor because I meet people like Billy West and Jim Cummings and Jess Harnell and Jeff Glen Bennett, and… who else am I leaving off the list that I think is absolutely brilliant?  Rob Paulsen, of course.  A whole passel of people that can do what I do.  So it’s like Brainiac beamed me back in the bottle where I’m with all these other people with super powers.  So I’m just sort of ordinary here.  But yeah, it made me stand out, and I guess people didn’t quite know what to make of me.  I was sent to school psychologists because I wouldn’t stop doing these voices and acting out these cartoons and playing all the characters.

KP: Was it an inclusive thing, where you were the class clown, or did you create your own little world and it was an “everyone else be damned” kinda thing?

LAMARCHE: In earlier life, absolutely it was my own little world. Only in my junior year in high school did I learn to harness my powers for good instead of evil.  In other words, I learned to turn it outwards.  The turning point for me was 10th grade and the high school variety show.  I was schticking around in the cafeteria with a couple of the seniors, and they said, “He’d be great.”  This one guy, Harry Van Bommel turns to Steve Barton – I know you know these guys, so that’s why I’m telling you – and said, “He’d be great in the variety night.”  Steve Barton said, “Yeah.”  I said, “But what would I do?  All I’m doing with you guys is just floating lines from television shows.” And Steve Barton said, “Don’t worry, I’ll write you an act.”  So he wrote a little three minute long standup, “celebrities as waiters.”  And I actually used that bit.  I mean obviously I refined it, tweaked it, but I used that bit up until the very last day I did standup.  It remained a cornerstone of my act.  And lo and behold, I got a standing ovation at the variety night, and everything changed.  The next day I came to school, I was no longer the outcast.  I was a hero, people were treating me special and nice as though somehow or other this thing that I’ve always been able to do, that got me ridiculed, was now something to be admired.  It was a bit heady.  I imagine at an early, early age… it’s like those athletes that peak in high school.  I had, like, this degree of celebrity within the microcosm of my school, and it kind of sent me into a bit of a headspin kinda space.

KP: Were you able to accept and enjoy it, or was it something you were suspicious of?

LAMARCHE: No, I accepted and enjoyed it a little too much and began to think a little too much of myself.  But I quickly snapped out of that when I entered the real world.  I took my little high school act down to New York and open mic night at the Improv when I was… how old was I when I did that?  I was 18.  And when they didn’t ask me immediately to become a regular and move down to New York and – quite the opposite – they just totally ignored me…

KP: That was what – ’75, ’76?

LAMARCHE: That would be the summer of 1977.  So I’m mistaken – I had just turned 19. 

KP: That period was quite a heady time within the comic community.

LAMARCHE: Yes it was.  Maybe the best thing I could have done was to actually move down to New York at that time, but when I walked past Silver Friedman and she… you know, I didn’t make a blip on her radar, and she said, “Well, come back next month I guess.” I went back to Toronto with my tail between my legs.  But I’d gotten my first taste.

KP: Was there a sense, growing up in Canada, that entertainment originated outside the country?  That you had to go elsewhere?

LAMARCHE: Well, we had our own entertainers.  They weren’t very entertaining, but they were there. Actually, there were some very good people.  Second City was getting going then.  And I think because of developing in the bubble, it developed its own kind of humor.  Very self-deprecating, much along the lines of the Canadian national character at the time.  References upon references, somewhat unstructured.  Not Pythonesque, but almost.

KP: Well, the comedy kinda combined the best aspects of both British and American humor, didn’t it?

LAMARCHE: I think so.  But again, I think in both cases, neither of those styles is as culturally referential as, say, some of the stuff Second City did… for instance, that Fantasy Island routine that became a Bob Hope routine.  Just constantly going inside itself.  I think that was uniquely Canadian.  Other than that it’s really hard to nail down what Canadian humor is.

KP: It’s almost comedy in search of an identify, isn’t it?

LAMARCHE: Yeah, but it’s finding itself.  It’s finding itself. The Kids in the Hall, and Second City of course, and now all those guys are becoming the grand old men of comedy.  The new Burroughs.

KP: Was the goal to be a success outside of the country?

LAMARCHE: You were actually shunned if you did that.  I remember… let me think here.  Oh, here it was.  I was watching Jeopardy last night in the restaurant – it was the high school edition of Jeopardy – and I turned to the person I was with and I said, “Look at this.  Alex Trebek has come full circle.”  And the person, being American, had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained that when I first started out, I had a little job at a TV station in Toronto when Alex Trebek was doing Reach for the Top, which was a high school student quiz show.  And I, at the time, had just landed my first job in show business, which was hosting a local variety show. Kind of like Tiny Talent Time except they feature high school students.  And me being just out of high school, they thought I’d be a good host for it.  So when I was negotiating my contract, I was getting a big $175 per episode.  And I remembered saying to my friend last night, at one point Alex Trebek and I were making the same money – because my producer of this show explained to me that that’s what Trebek gets for Reach for the Top: $175.  And when Alex Trebek came down to California to host High Rollers, everybody at that local station turned their noses up at him as though he’d sold out to the great American entertainment Satan.

KP: He should be happy with his $175…

LAMARCHE: It wasn’t about the $175, it was about the fact that he was doing a high level quiz show for high school students, and that that should be his calling in life, and that this should be okay.  You know, that he should be satisfied with that.  I guess there’s the sense of, in Canada, “Who do you think you are to go beyond the ceiling?”  This is actually part of the reason I hate socialism and why I’m not living there today, amongst other factors, the prime of which is that I’d never want to put my back out shoveling another friggin’ driveway.  But the idea that there’s this cap and it’s actually this ceiling that’s actually quite low that you should never try to break out of, otherwise everybody looks at you saying, “Who the hell do you think you are to try to be better than the rest of us?”  It’s dangerous.  And I absolutely heard at least three people talk about Trebek that way.  That he…

KP: So it’s a fervent defense of the middle ground…

LAMARCHE: Absolutely. And why should anybody try to… don’t rock the boat, we’re all getting our health care taken care of, it’s free… Of course it’s not free. It comes from the astronomical taxes that the Canadians pay, but they all think their health care’s free.  Meanwhile, 66% of their money’s going away.  That’s the free health care.

KP: Ironic that the show they shunned him for leaving was called Reach for the Top.

LAMARCHE: Yeah.  It should have been called Reach for the Middle.  No, they wanted him to return to Reach for the Top, and you know what, to Trebek’s credit, he actually came back and did Reach for the Top for the same $175 for another season while they were paying him $10,000 a week down in the states to host the first season of High Rollers.  He still came back. He felt a moral duty and a sense of purpose that he was quizzing high school students and keeping the bar high in terms of educational standards.  Finally though he said it’s just not worth coming back to Toronto to do this.  I assume.

KP: Was the shaming overt? 

LAMARCHE: Not to his face.  Behind his face.

KP: Was it something he could feel?

LAMARCHE: I have no idea.

KP: Was it something that you felt?

LAMARCHE: Oh yes, absolutely.  When I left and made the attempt to better myself, the comedians at the comedy club, two or three of them wished me well, but most of them told me how tough it would be and why are you going there, you’ve got a good thing going here, you’re a big fish in a small pond here, stay in the small pond.  I just didn’t see it that way.  I saw it as my job to make the best of my lot in life.  I’ve got this talent and let’s see what I can do with it.  Let’s take it all the way.  Now a few things… I had a few bumps in the road and I did retire from standup… retire… I left standup after my dad was murdered, but… this isn’t a very linear interview, is it?

KP: No, they never are, and that’s usually for the best.

LAMARCHE: Okay.

KP: I’m not gonna limit the conversation is what I’m saying.

LAMARCHE: Okay.  But as I said, there were a few bumps in the road, and… but my point is I still saw the States as that old cliché, the land of opportunity.  You can become anything you want to be here.  That’s why I still love this country.

KP: When you’re actively making that decision, how difficult… you talk about your first foray down to the Improv.  That didn’t go as you had hoped, and when you returned, does it harden you and make you even more resolved to go back, or is it something that turned you off for the immediate future?

LAMARCHE: No, no. I absolutely wanted to come back and try and do better.  I actually had a little anxiety attack when I got back from Toronto, which manifested in my chest so everybody thought I’d had a heart attack, and I actually went to the hospital.  Of course with the free health care… free health care that my parents’ taxes were paying for, I stayed in the hospital for three weeks for observation.  For having chest pains at 19 years old.  You know, because why not?  We’ve got all this money to spend on health care. 

KP: Are you saying it’s not terribly efficient?

LAMARCHE: Do you get that impression?

KP: It’s kind of subtle.

LAMARCHE: I’m not trying to hit you over the head with it or anything. 

KP: What were you thinking, laying there for three weeks under observation?

LAMARCHE: I was thinking I wish I’d just belched and gotten the damn gas out of my chest or whatever the hell it was.  No, actually, what I was thinking truthfully was, “Oh my god there’s something horribly wrong with me.  Look at all this attention I’m getting!  Hey, maybe I can parlay this into getting laid.”  That’s what I was really thinking.

KP: Well, at least it gave you time to think.

LAMARCHE: Mm-hmm.

KP: If you hadn’t had an anxiety attack, would you have thought about going back into the fold and saying, “I gotta get out of here…”?

mo-03.jpgLAMARCHE: Actually, if I hadn’t had the anxiety attack, I probably would have told my mom and dad “I’m moving down to New York this week.”  And I’ve always regretted not moving to New York.  I came straight to Los Angeles three years later, and I always… afterwards, in retrospect, I thought it was a mistake.  I think that a couple of years in New York would have made me a stronger comedian.  I think nobody… there’s an earthiness to New Yorkers that makes you funnier.  That gives you a bit more of an edge.  And I think by forestalling for three years, I got to L.A., you know, without much refinement.  And I think that would have been a baptism of fire that would have refined my comedy muscles a little more. 

KP: What did your act consist of at the time?

LAMARCHE: My act?  They used to describe me, “He’s like Rich Little on speed.”  I used to do very rapid fire impressions.  My downfall as a comedian, or my shortcoming rather as a comedian, was that I never had great material.  I don’t think I was clever enough to write great material, and I never really… apart from one really great writing session with a guy named Josh Goldstein who went on to create Fresh Prince.  He wrote on Fresh Prince.  He co-created the one that was on Saturday nights about the Kennedy era, American something.

KP: American Dreams?

LAMARCHE: American Dreams.  He co-created American Dreams.  Anyway, Josh and I paired up for like two days and wrote about 10 strong minutes, but I had 30 minutes, so the 10 strong minutes in my act were from the Josh session, and the rest of it was just me kinda demo-ing my voices.  Sort of the high point of my career was I got to be on the 1985 HBO Young Comedians Special, the 9th Annual Young Comedians Special. And I watched it the other day, and I thought to myself, you know, I was about two years away from becoming really good, and probably about five years away from becoming great, because the problem with impressionists is we don’t say anything from the stage.  We just put on these little skits.  Putting celebrities in wacky jobs and weird situations and implying a homosexual relationship between two well-known characters.  You know, those little devices, but we don’t come from anywhere.

KP: So it’s more about performance.

LAMARCHE: Yeah.  And I think I was about five years away from figuring out that I could be the only impressionist that actually comes from somewhere. That has something to say. But you know, unfortunately in 1987 my dad’s best friend thought it would be a good idea to resolve a little argument they were having by shooting him in the chest, and I went into a tailspin of depression.  I began drinking and that became problematic. 

KP: At that point was there nowhere you could turn?

LAMARCHE: No, I was in therapy, but it’s tough to work through therapy when you come in smashed.  You absolutely must go through therapy sober.  Otherwise it’s not gonna work. It’s like turning on the air conditioning and a space heater in the same room. You’re not gonna get anything.  So I eventually did get sober in 1989.  I stopped drinking on January 20th, 1989, and haven’t had a drink since.  By then I’d lost so much momentum, and I realized there were still Reagan jokes in my act.  It was just tough to get… after falling off the horse and staying off of it for a full two years, I just never quite got back on.

KP: Can you define the spark that disappeared?  Was it your heart wasn’t in it?

LAMARCHE: In 1987 when my dad died, I remember thinking that I… this is the one thing… don’t forget, we got the hockey thing still hanging there.  The idea that my father was ashamed of me. And this was the one thing he was truly proud of me for, that I’d found my niche in life and I was doing this thing and I was doing it quite well.  In spite of my own critique of myself and my material.  I was opening… the outside world was treating me okay for it. I was the opening act for Rodney Dangerfield for a year and a half.  The Temptations and the Four Tops had me on the road with them.  I opened for George Carlin, David Sanborn, Donna Summer.  I was playing Las Vegas, Atlantic City.

KP: So it’s not like you weren’t a working comedian.

LAMARCHE: Oh no. God no.  It was actually tough to split my time between this new career that I’d started, as sort of a part time job in voiceover work, and this full time schedule of traveling around the country opening for famous people, and doing quite well in front of them.  Because I was an extra.  I was just this little extra… you know, the appetizer for them.  But they got this 20 minutes of funny impressions and stuff like that.  But my father used to fly in from wherever he was in the world – and he was quite the world traveler, especially in his later years after he’d made money.  And he would surprise me, come in from Europe just to watch me in Las Vegas… because Las Vegas was sorta his town, you know.  So for him to see his boy’s name on the marquis in big letters at Caesar’s Palace -because Rodney was very generous with billing… He absolutely insisted on giving his opening act 50% billing, which are huge letters when you come right down to it.  That was just such a thrill for him, and it was the one thing I’d done that had made him proud. And when he died, I made a decision that it wasn’t worth making anybody laugh ever again if I wasn’t going to get to make him laugh and make him proud of me.  So I made a conscious decision to abandon this thing, because it would just be too painful to look out at the audience realizing that I’ll never see his Camel nonfilter cigarette burning in his hand in the third row, where I can just barely make out his silhouette.  So there was that. Then there was just the inevitable self-pity that came with being a drunk, and finally after being two years out of the game, just feeling as though I was out of touch with the scene, and that I didn’t know how I would ever be able to get on the bike again…

KP: There’s a quote attributed to you that Sam Kinison said in a Rolling Stone interview…

LAMARCHE: Yeah…

KP: That “You can make them laugh, but you can’t make them happy…”

LAMARCHE: Yeah.

KP: What period did that quote come out of?

LAMARCHE: When we were both doing standup.  We both had gotten quite smashed one night, and Sam was actually very sad.  He was actually in tears.  His girlfriend was consoling him because he was wondering about whether what we did meant anything.  And he said, “Maurice, we help people, don’t we?  We make ’em happy?”  And I said, “No Sam, we make them laugh but we can’t make them happy.”  He went, “Yeah, yeah,” and he kept balling because he really felt like his life was meaningless. (laughing)  Mr. Cheerful helping Sam out!  But it’s the reality.  There’s a huge difference between fun and happiness.  Fun is momentary.  Fun happens in little short spurts and then it’s over. 

KP: When you’d get up on stage as a comedian during that period, who were you getting up on stage for?  Yourself or others?

LAMARCHE: Well, that really became a turning point for me.  I realized I was doing it for myself. And the couple of attempts that I’d made at getting back into it, a good friend of mine, Mike Binder said – I don’t mean to drop names, but here… because Anthony Hopkins told me never to do that – but Mike Binder’s a very funny comedian… He created the series Mind of a Married Man. He said, “Before you go up on stage, Mo, say a prayer to god that you’ll be of service to the audience. That you’ll be able to make the one guy laugh who was there because he’s had a rough day, rough week at the office or he’s got a sick child or something like that, and he really needs to get away from his problems, and you’ll bring a laugh to that guy.”  Because I actually made a very, very short lived attempt to get back into standup in 1990. And tragically enough – and I’m not saying these two things coincide – my little sister was killed in a car accident in September of 1990 at the age of 18 and I just, you know… at that point I just threw up my hands and went, “Oh, that’s it.  I don’t have any funny left in me.  I’m done.”  But in that little period there where I tried to come back to it, that stayed with me, and of course when one recovers from alcoholism one has to live one’s life on a more spiritual basis, so I tried to adapt that, and I did fine. It was a better feeling getting up on stage, praying that prayer, “God, help me bring a laugh to somebody who really needs one today.”  It definitely… there was a turnaround there and it felt better.

KP: But prior to that, would you say you were doing it more along the lines of sort of a lingering feeling of how you felt in high school when you first got that big rush?

LAMARCHE: Yeah, it was absolutely all about me.  Mm-hmm.  No question.

Take Me Home Blog #5 – The Power of Negative Thinking

Filed under: Production Blogs,Take Me Home Blog — UncaScroogeMcD @ 5:41 am

 

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Just how long does it take you to say “no”?  

Try it.  Go on, no one’s looking.

There.  Not too hard, was it?  Well, pat yourself on the back, my friend.  For some people, say… our prospective investors, that two-letter word took over TWO MONTHS to say.  Consider yourself blessed.  You have done in one second what took a team of very wealthy men an entire summer!  Remember that next time you’re on the couch, watching reruns of The Simpsons and questioning your self-worth.  Just say, “hey, I can do in one second what took a team of wealthy lawyers an entire summer.”  Then continue eating Cheetos off your chest, knowing you are truly great.

Yes, indeed, our film has been derailed… two months shy of our start date.  On Thursday we found out that our investors, who had seemingly been so enthusiastic about our film, backed out.  This is after several months of positive banter about the project.  Solidifying contracts.  Perusing budgets.  Last minute clarifications.  Appeasement.  All for a big, fat “NO”.

WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.  No.  We saw this coming, and yet we did nothing.  It was as if we locked our keys in the car and KNEW we were locking our keys in the car AS we shut the door.  Like, “Oh, wow.  I’m locking my keys in the car and AW, DAMMIT!  Why did I DO THAT!!”

Why DID we do that?  Well, we had our options.  We could A). Work very hard to ensure that several pockets of investors are deciding simultaneously on yet another very sound business venture, or B) put all our eggs in one basket.  Needless to say, the choice was obvious.  I mean, who doesn’t like a basket of eggs?!

ON THE PLUS SIDE?
This is not the first film to lose its funding in the final hour, and it won’t be the last.  Hopefully, it’s the last for US, though.  And if there is something positive to come from this (and there isn’t, mind you), it’s that we have our answer.  True, it’s not the one we were hoping for, but it IS an answer.  We know where we stand at last. And now, beginning this very day, we can start rebuilding.  Learning from our egregious mistakes.  Finding yet another avenue for this film. 

I’ve got to be honest, I have not been enjoying this process.  Not lately.  The reason? I put the worth of my film (and ashamedly, a little of my own self-worth) into some businessmens’ hands. Not the most comforting place to be.

I went back to Ohio this weekend for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. I got to see all the people I love most in the world. My brother and sisters. Mom and dad. Cousins, nieces, nephews…. All of them there to celebrate a woman who lived through The Great Depression, World War II, and The Cabbage Patch Doll hysteria of ’83. Not exactly an easy life. But let’s be honest, I think my investor woes stack up pretty good against that Great Depression crap, right? RIGHT?!

If I were in the midst of curing cancer, or AIDS, (heck, even gonorrhea) this might be worth the stress. But what is this?! It’s a movie. Is it going to change the entire world? Not likely (though I’ve got a good feeling about parts of Central Asia).

So why have I let this get to me so much? This tiny little word “no”?!

In the end, if I’m not finding value in making this movie, even in (gulp) the rejections, what’s the point? What if, instead of five more months, it takes five more YEARS to get this film made? Am I going to be miserable all five years? As much as admire that kind of committed depression, I think I’d rather start enjoying myself again.

“Sometimes it is better to travel than to arrive.”
-Robert M. Piesig
“Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”

 

-Sam Jaeger

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Widge Goes Off #8: The Menace From Planet W!

Filed under: Widge Goes Off — widge @ 2:13 am
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widgepic.jpgWelcome back. You did bring pizza this time, right? Because I distinctly remember it was your turn to bring the pizza.

[CONTENT WARNING] This podcast contains foul language and high fructose corn syrup.

DOWNLOAD: mp3 Format (24.7 MBs)

The article on the RIAA and lawsuits and everything the layperson needs to know about them is here.

Here’s the Boing Boing listing regarding the blog covering various and sundry Creative Commons gems.

As for your Monday Morning Quarterbacking session, check out the podcast. Follow along here at Box Office Mojo.

Bonus Link: The musician Pink apparently has borrowed quite a great deal from Martin Elmond. Check out the full skinnee here. Thanks to Keith for the headsup.

Special thanks to Exit Mindbomb for letting me use “Godzilla Will Rule You” from their album Happy Accident for my new WGO music. Check them out on MySpace here and I tried to link up as many songs as I could here.

Widgett Walls is the chief cook and bottle washer for Needcoffee.com. He’s also the author of Mystics on the Road to Vanishing Point and Magnificent Desolation. His personal blog is at OneTusk.com, which he updates when he feels like it. He lives and works in Atlanta, Georgia. He hardly ever sleeps.

Spook’d #90: Extreme Lair Makeover – Still Bringing Down the House

Filed under: Spook'd — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:06 am

by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with colors by Anthony Lee

Larger sized comic | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

Spook'd #90: Extreme Lair Makeover - Still Bringing Down the House

To see Spook’d host Alastor’s blogging silliness and more fun Spook’d stuff,visit the Spook’d Web site!

Check out the preview to…

E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | SPOOK’D BLOG | SPOOK’D FORUM | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

Disclaimer: All material in Spook’d is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.

Preachin’ from the Longbox: You’ve Got the Look

Filed under: Preaching from the Longbox — UncaScroogeMcD @ 2:06 am

 

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This Week’s Sermon – “You’ve Got the Look”

August 14, 2006

A common thread that has been persuasive throughout most of the past PftL columns is the devilish way that I have compared Marvel’s choices of their character-licensed products and the sexual decisions of a drunken Tara Reid on the E! Channel.   Basically, any guy in the bar/club will get a chance with her.   And I’m not exaggerating.  If you don’t believe me, watch an episode of Taradise and try to tell me with a straight face that she’s not looking for a poke-her party with the locals at the very least. 

Marvel HerocutI’m also not kidding about Marvel either.  Some choice Marvel-licensed products include such winners like those Wahl Haircut Kits, the never-imitated, never-duplicated Super Lithos (their website has been off-line for some time due to an unspecified reason ““ hmm, I wonder why?) and those wonderful half-dollar coins (coins + super-heroes = lame).  I won’t begin to mention their highly sketchy relationships with Dynamic Forces (and their huckster HSN showcases) and Wizard Entertainment (who have somehow become Marvel’s exclusive convention provider).  Now, I realize that there are some Zombies living in this world that will buy tons of merch that is Marvel Comics-related.  (Although, I’m not so biased that I wouldn’t miss out on picking up a low-grade Mjolnir on the cheap for $10 at Amazon.com.)  But when you’re dropping some decent paper on a Captain America-endorsed haircut gizmo, you will buy almost anything.  And that you really don’t care about your physical appearance.

(Speaking about buying crap, is it me or have hard times hit both entertainment stalwarts, Huey Lewis and Sally Fields?  Within a span of a day, I saw Mr. “I Need A New Drug” pushing TimeLife’s “Superstars of the 80s” CD compilations while the old Ma Gump was pushing some calcium supplement called Boniva.  Don’t get me wrong; I would take that endorsement money in a heartbeat.  But these two should have enough dough in the bank so they wouldn’t have to resort to hocking crap in informercial-lite commercials.  It’s truly sad.  Alright, back to the column”¦)

And I was content with keeping that opinion.  That was until I saw something that caught my eye that would be a perfect item for me to give it the always-tough PftL product quality test.

With the help of moneymaking movies like Superman Returns, the X-Men and Spider-Man franchise, the market for comic book apparel for adults seems to be blowing up.  Okay, that might be an overstatement but it looks that way in my closet.  And nothing feels better in the Metro Washington DC, 110-degree 100% humidity hotter-than-hell summer than flip-flops, cargo shorts and a slick superhero t-shirt.

The Super-LithoBut, in those very same max A/C, fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk summers, that T usually turns into a wet and heavy cotton rag.  Aside from the noxious stench that you might be perpetrating with that shirt, sweating that much doesn’t look all that cool unless you’re strugg-a-ling to run on a 10-minute mile on the old treadmill.  And unfortunately, if you’re a single guy and that shirt has a screen print of Superman or Spider-Man, odds are that those muscle-bound heroes in colorful tights is not going to win too many points with the opposite sex; even if you’re married.  Take it from me, folks.

Now, before I go any further, let me be frank with you guys (and gals).  I’ve got way too many t-shirts.  There’s enough of them to make my wife tell me that I’d better start thinning them out myself or she’ll do it for me (with disastrous consequences, at least my imagination leads me to believe).  So, as my piles of finely woven 100% cotton tees slowly dwindle, I needed to find a way to increase my t-shirt collection on the sly.

Then, I found this site called PureHero.com.  If this is the first time that you’re hearing about this site, then an introduction is needed.  Here’s where they’re coming from pulled right off their website:

We, here at PureHero, believe that superhero fans want and deserve more than the same old tee-shirt. We design premium performance apparel that reflects our love for superheroes, using the best sports designs. Whether playing classic or extreme sports, gaming, or just studying physics like Peter Parker, you’ll love our product ““ how it feels, how it works, how it looks.

Now, that’s saying something.  But is there truth in their claim of providing premium performance apparel for the superhero fan?  Or it is just the usual internet hype?  I posed those questions to myself when I decided to put one of their more popular products, the Punisher Performance Technical Crew Top, through the PftL quality apparel and situational test.

Britt Schramm - Test Dummy

So, with pen, paper and clipboard in hand ala Dr. Rudy Wells, I started grading how the t-shirt performed in certain “stressful” functions to see how the shirt’s ability to wick away sweat worked.  But first, here were my initial impressions of the shirt when I received it in the mail.

The Packaging ““ The shirt was polybagged, which give a good understanding that they know their clientele.  Ripping that bag open was somewhat cathartic.  That being said, it wouldn’t surprise me that CBG will decide to start slabbing these shirts in order to drive up the secondary market.

The Look ““ The skull logo looks sharp.  It’s high quality rubberized gray with a silver metallic trim, which does look better on the shirt than a stark white one in person.  No tired, ghetto-style silk-screening process here.  The Punisher script on the back neck is a nice touch.  The shirt’s color is just that ““ a straight up, dark as night black; not a lighter shade or heather.  A red Marvel tag on the right side reminds me of a certain jeans company but more in homage way than anything else.

The Feel ““ The shirt’s weave is buttery soft and feels nice against the skin.  Depending on the size ordered, it can be as tight as those Under Armour Compression shirts or as loose as a regular tee. (In case you were wondering, I’m went with the latter.  I realize that my body may resemble the Comic Book Guy more than I’d care to admit.)

It is Hip to Sell-OutSo, after the shirt passed the initial part of this consumer report testing, it was time for the field work.

Scenario #1 ““ Rather than get right out there and push the limits of the shirt (stop laughing), I decided to go slow and ramp up the testing.  I broke out the shirt for an impromptu evening screening of Clerks 2 in humid Florida.  I thought that it was a good initial foray into a social gathering among some likeminded friends.  I got a couple of favorable comments on the shirt and there was no outright guffawing by the other patrons of the gigaplex.  And while I wasn’t sweating in the nice air-conditioned theater, the shirt didn’t hamper my ability to laugh my ass off.  So, based on those results, the shirt passed the first test.  But there were two more to come.

Scenario #2 ““ The next time I wore the shirt, it was to my mother-in-law’s birthday party.  Now, before you say that this is not a test, let me explain a couple of things to you.  First off, my mother-in-law does not like to hang out inside ““ no matter how hot it is on the outside.  I’ve got nothing against hanging out on the porch but when the temps are almost hitting the century mark, I’m looking for AC, plain and simple.  But at her house, she still likes the inside to be around 80 degrees Fahrenheit.  Let’s just say that I wasn’t drowning in my own sweat while I was there, but the shirt did get some work.  The shirt did get a little damp from sweat but it dried within minutes and I actually survived the party without dying from heatstroke.  I don’t know about you but that would definitely get a pass in my book.  On to the third and last test”¦

Scenario #3 ““ To prevent that image in the mirror to become more and more like that Android’s Dungeon guy, I decided at the beginning of the year to drop a few pounds.  And thus began my love-to-hate exercise affair.  Unfortunately, a new job has prevented me from working out at lunch so I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon for the time being.  However, since I wanted to test the shirt out, I decided to go out and shoot some raindrops at the work hoop.  At noon during the hottest, damn day in the Metro Washington DC area.  Yeah, I’m not the smartest guy around but you should’ve known that by now.  After a few minutes, the shirt was getting a heavy dose of the wet stuff.  And it was working great as the material was in the process of getting drenched; it dried relatively quickly for that kind of output.  The one slight knock on the shirt is not really on the shirt itself but in the style.  It would’ve been great to get a sleeveless shirt for sports the require full range motion of the arms like basketball or those 12-ounce curls in front of the teevee.  Though, after all was said and done on the blacktop, I left the court like I usually did back in the day ““ exhausted and limping.  But unlike most of those other times, my shirt didn’t look like it was partying down in Fort Lauderdale during Spring Break.  Really, no one needs to see that.

Overall ““ This Punisher Performance Technical Crew Top is a great item and is moving into top rotation in my t-shirt wearing schedule.  It has the science behind it for the active lifestyle but has the panache of a slacker counter jockey.    Again, the only knock that I have is that I want a sleeveless version of the crew shirt so I can dominate on the glass while getting a more complete farmer’s tan.  Truthfully, this shirt should be considered a cross-training shirt; you can wear it from couch to court without looking like a schlub.  I can’t recommend it enough.

To that end, the very generous people at PureHero.com have given my peeps (that’s you guys – my loyal readers) a sweet deal just for reading this column.  Check it out below:

PureHero.com Promo Code

Remember, it only lasts until the middle of September so buy it like you stole it, people.

The PftL Inbox

Fellow Big Planet loyalist Adam J writes:

As much as I love Robert DeLeo, I must say, I doubt Army of Anyone will sell many records.  And this is coming from someone who loved the Talk Show record.  Is this “supergroup’s” (and let’s be honest, anything involving David Lee Roth’s backing band can’t be that super) album even out?

PftL:  Adam, it’s great to hear that there’s someone else who really dug that Talk Show CD, a very underrated effort by the three non-smacked out members of STP and some English guy.  And you’re right; the AoA CD is not out yet.  But a guy can hold out some hope for it do actually be good, right?  And yeah, having a former DLR bandmate doesn’t sound all that super.

Deadpool and Plastic man would be bad ass though.  What about a Madrox/Booster Gold team up…?

PftL:  A Madrox/Booster Gold team-up would be a solid book.  I could see someone well-versed in wordplay like Robert Kirkman writing it with some left field artist like Jim Mahfood or Doug Mahnke drawing the one-shot.  And I could see it sell pretty well.  But as well as Army of Anyone?  Ehh, maybe or maybe not.  How do you like that for decisiveness? 

— ### —

Co-chair of the PftL regular emailers’ club, Chet K, chimes in about coming to grips with being an “out” nerd:

Just a note to let you know the harmful effects of this nerd stigma.  I have long wished to attend comic con, but I have so feared the stigma of being labled an uber-nerd that I have never even contemplated actually going.  Now, I am “out” with my close friends and family.  They know about my closet Star Wars trivia addiction as well as my unsightly bouts of utter lunatic excitement that accompanies every new superhero movie and cartoon.  However, as far as my co-workers and other professional contacts might know I could be a die hard Nascar fan, albeit without the requisite mullet. 

PftL:  Hey, Chet, my man, watch the NASCAR fan comments.  I’m a card-carrying member of that club.  And for your information, not all of us have mullets.  (Although I do rock the “all business in the front, nothing but a party in the back” cut, which I cut with my officially licensed Marvel Haircut Clippers by Wahl, and have my old El Camino on blocks in the front yard).  But that’s beside the point.

Now, in my opinion, the biggest roadblock to nerd-dom becoming an accepted social condition is the nerd on nerd hate”¦A house divided cannot stand.  Nerds must unite and accept one another before we can expect anyone, especially journalists (who are barely sentient anyway) to accept us.  Solidarity brothers (and very few sisters)!

PftL:  There’s a ring of truth in that statement.  I can’t stand that other fans of more niche stuff like Trekkies, LARPers or even Civil War Re-enactors try to come off as better when they put down another group of fans by calling them “nerds”.  And yet, there’s nothing better than making fun of my Trekkie boss by saying that “Voyager” was the best Trek series around when it’s clearly should be “Deep Space 9″.  Gets him every time.

— ### —

The wrap-up

First, I’ve changed ISP providers, which means that I have a new mailing address. Just click on my name and you’ll get the new addy. So, make with the clicky-clicky and send some email to yours truly so you can get in this column..

Second, if you’re a new reader and would like to read some of the archived Preachin’ from the Longbox and laugh at my earlier attempts at writing a column or if you just want to relive some good times, just click below and it’ll take you there:

Preachin' from the Longbox Archive

— ### —

I’m off the Longbox this week. Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight. Until next time”¦

-britt

 

 

 

 

August 13, 2006

Comics in Context #141: San Diego 2006 – Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

Filed under: Comics in Context — admin @ 5:17 am

 

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The following events took place on Thursday, July 20 between 11:OO AM and 7:00 PM. 

Discussing fellow columnist Fred Hembeck some months back, Quick Stop editor Ken Plume asked me, “What would it take to get him to go to San Diego?” Well, perhaps if I dazzle Fred sufficiently with my account of the wonders to be found at the San Diego Con, I can persuade him to undertake the pilgrimage that seems mandatory for all American comics enthusiasts.

Another reason that Fred should go is the opportunity to do something neither he nor I have ever done: meet Ken Plume face to face. As far as we know, he is merely a disembodied voice on the telephone. Last year Ken and I managed to miss each other, but surely at this year’s con we could not fail to meet. (Could we?)

THURSDAY 11:00 AM
When I left off my account of this year’s Comic-Con last week, I was attending the U. S. Postal Service’s First Day Issue ceremony for the new set of DC Comics superheroes stamps. I made an early exit in order to take in a panel that was running simultaneously: the opening session of the Comic Arts Conference (CAC), the academic conference on comics that is held every year at the San Diego Con, and, as it did last year, set up residence in Room 7B.

The Conference showcases serious scholarly explorations of the comics artform. But this first panel was only serious inasmuch as the speakers maintained straight faces while keeping their tongues firmly in their cheeks.

This panel was “Myths for the Modern Age,” featuring contributing writers to a recent anthology of essays, Myths for the Modern Age: Philip Jose Farmer’s Wold Newton Universe, published by Monkeybrain Press.

Farmer, a renowned science fiction novelist, wrote two purported biographies, Tarzan Alive and Doc Savage: His Apocalyptic Life, which alleged that these characters are real people, whose lives and exploits were fictionalized by Edgar Rice Burroughs, Lester Dent, and other writers. (Thus, for example, Farmer claimed that pulp novel hero Doc Savage, one of the forebears of the superhero genre, was actually a man named Dr. James Clarke Wildman, Jr.) Moreover, Farmer contended that long ago radioactive meteorites landed at a spot in Britain called Wold Newton, and that various pregnant women passing nearby were exposed to this radiation. As a result, the children of these women and their descendants possessed heightened physical and intellectual abilities. Tarzan and Doc Savage are members of the “Wold Newton” family, as are Sherlock Holmes and numerous other characters from classic adventure fiction of the 19th and 20th centuries.

I recall reading at least part of Tarzan Alive decades ago, but never encountered anyone else who mentioned it. So I was surprised some years ago to discover that, once again, something that I considered a private pleasure in growing up is shared today by many others. The writers of Myths for the Modern Age are carrying on and elaborating upon Farmer’s Wold Newton mythos, and this CAC panel dealt with its applications to comics characters. Hence, one paper presented at the panel hypothesized that Modesty Blaise was Tarzan’s daughter; another argued that Vampirella was the same character as Lady Rawhide from recent Zorro comics.

When I arrived at the panel, writer Win Eckert was presenting his paper, which attempted to reconcile the seemingly contradictory accounts of Doc Savage’s later career from Farmer’s book (in which Savage retired in 1950 and had a daughter) and from DC Comics’ Doc Savage comics of the late 1980s (in which Savage instead married a Mayan princess and fathered a son, though Farmer denied that either event took place).

Eckert alleged that earlier in 2006 an anonymous party had sent him news reports by one Adelaide Johnston Lupin, who is the daughter of the gentleman thief Arsene Lupin and the aunt of anime adventurer Lupin III. Based on this purported evidence, Eckert concocted an incredible theory that he nonetheless contended was the only way to reconcile these two contradictory histories. According to Eckert, at one point Doc Savage had traveled back in time. Therefore, for forty years Doc Savage (who ages at a different rate than normal humans) was leading two parallel but different lives on Earth, and thus both Farmer and DC were right.

Now, obviously, Farmer and DC were each devising a different version of Doc Savage’s career following the classic pulp novels of the 1930s and 1940s. The reader should regard each version as an alternate possibility. If the reader insists that one version should be canonical, than he should judge each on its literary merits and on its fidelity to the work of Doc Savage’s creator Lester Dent. It is easy to regard Eckert’s convoluted effort to reconcile such disparate accounts of a fictional character’s life as merely silly.

But I nonetheless sympathize with what Eckert was doing, even if he took it to an extreme. The Wold Newtonian scholars know full well that Doc Savage and the rest are fictional characters, but they are engaging in an entertaining intellectual exercise. They pretend that the characters are real, and try to demonstrate that, beneath a fictionalized facade, the stories about them are true. Thus it becomes an intellectual challenge to reconcile seeming contradictions, and even to find links among various celebrated fictional characters created by different authors.

The impulse behind the Wold Newton scholars seems much like that behind Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentleman: to chronicle an alternative history in which all these classic characters of popular literature co-exist and interrelate (see “Comics in Context” #22-23).

Eckert was followed at the podium by Peter Coogan, one of CAC’s chairmen, who dropped the pose of utter seriousness in presenting “Principles of Wold Newtonry,” an explication of Wold Newtonian methodology. Coogan pointed out that Wold Newtonry is based on what Sherlock Holmes aficionados call “the Game”: their pretense that Holmes was a real person and their efforts to explain away contradictions within Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories about him,

Among the guiding principles of Wold Newtonry that Coogan identified was the Principle of Physical Resemblance, which underlay a previous speaker’s theory that Modesty Blaise was Tarzan’s daughter. Another was the Principle of Unverifiable Evidence, as exemplified by Ms. Lupin’s newspaper stories. Eckert claims to have clippings of these stories, but, as Coogan observed, “you can’t find them.”

My affinity for Wold Newtonry should not surprise anyone since I was engaged in a similar endeavor. In working on the original versions of The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe in the 1980s, its creator and editor, Mark Gruenwald and I operated from a similar assumption: writing as if the Marvel Universe were real. We too found ourselves resolving apparent contradictions in Marvel stories and filling gaps in past Marvel history. And much of the appeal of the Marvel Universe lies in the concept of an entire alternate cosmos in which so many favorite characters coexist and interact.

THURSDAY 11:30 AM
Once Wold Newtonry was out of the way, the Comic Arts Conference moved on to more serious matters with Session #2: “The Great Leap: Adapting Comics into Film.” I stayed to hear the initial two presentations.

The first was by Kate McClancy of Duke University, who this year joined Peter Coogan and Randy Duncan in co-chairing CAC. As I did in my lengthy review of the comics and film versions of Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta earlier this year (see “Comics in Context” #126-131), McClancy disputed the conventional critical opinion that the movie is a faithful adaptation of the comics. In her presentation, “Should Governments Be Afraid of Their People?: Fascism in V for Vendetta,” she argued that whereas in the comics, Moore contended that each of us must make his or her own decisions, “the film tells us we must rely on a superhero to save us.” Hence, McClancy asserted, the film “actually enforces fascist implications” in the story. That explains the radical change that the Wachowskis made in the film’s ending, wherein the people of London all don “V” masks and costumes: they are idealizing a strong, iconic leader figure, as fascists do, rather than “take responsibility themselves.”

Agreeing with Moore’s contention that the film reflects an “American liberal fantasy,” McClancy pointed out that Moore’s V not only destroys the entire fascist government, but goes after the church and the media as well, whereas the movie V is content merely to bring about “peaceful regime change.”

McClancy also criticized the movie for overly humanizing V, through such means including displaying his burn scars and having him fall in love with Evey, whereas Moore’s V claims to be “an idea,” rather than “a man of flesh and blood,” and his emotional calm reinforces that impression.

(McClancy also asserted that there is no proof of the original V’s gender, and noted that it has been speculated that V is actually Valerie, the woman he claims inspired “him.” Well, the Larkhill sequences certainly indicate that V is male, but then again, can we be certain that the male escapee was V? Hmm.)

McClancy was followed by Richard A. Becker of CSU Northridge, who contended that the makers of movie and television adaptations of superhero series suffer from “a lack of conviction” in the genre. Hence, for example, there were never any supervillains in the live action Hulk TV show, and the X-Men movies refuse to put the characters into colorful costumes. Becker asserted that film makers were afraid that audiences would not suspend their disbelief enough to accept the many fantasy elements of the superhero genre, and yet he pointed out that audiences are willing to accept “Oz, Middle-Earth, and the Star Wars universe.” Becker summed up his presentation by stating that “all fiction” involves a “threshold of disbelief,” but that what is most important is that the audience “must accept” a story “on an emotional level, in their gut.” In comparison to this emotional reality, he said, “it doesn’t matter how many rivets are on Iron Man’s armor.”

THURSDAY 12:00 PM
Once again I left a panel early, this time to get some lunch, or, more precisely brunch, at one of the Convention Center’s fast food counters (not as bad or as overpriced as some claim) and to do some exploring of the main floor of the convention before I appeared on the DK panel at 2 PM.

The convention already appeared crowded, yet it was only Thursday, a day when most adults could not attend unless they took a day off from work. (Do I need to explain that the vast majority of Comic Con attendees are adults, and not school-age kids?) Comic-Con sage Mark Evanier, who has attended each San Diego Con from its very beginnings in 1970 (presumably when the nearby Gaslamp Quarter really was lit by gaslamps), observed on his blog (www.newsfromme.com) that “Thursday afternoon could have passed for Friday.” If Thursday at Comic-Con is the new Friday, and Friday is the new Saturday, then could anyone imagine the horrors of congestion that awaited us on the real Saturday?

I managed to covere a great deal of the convention main floor on Thursday, and explored much of the rest (with difficulty) on Sunday. The immense DC Comics booth area and the somewhat smaller Dark Horse section were easy to locate. As for the question that those of you who have read my past Comic-Con reports are about to ask, yes, I was informed that there was a Marvel booth at the Con, or, rather, a Marvel/Activision booth, but I never found it, and I was searching for it!

One Comic-Con landmark that was hard to miss was the unearthly, unspeakable menace of H. P. Lovecraft’s elder god Cthulhu, which hovered above the heads of unsuspecting convention attendees, and was once again disguised as a giant version of Pikachu from Pokemon. Don’t these fans realize that the reason that Cthulhu/Pikachu wears that blissed-out smile is that he is just about to suck out their brains? Can anyone stop his march to world domination?

Consider Pikachu’s latest triumph. Perusing the current schedule for Boomerang, Cartoon Network’s sister cable network, to which it has banished 20th century animation, I cannot find classic Looney Tunes except for most episodes of the revived anthology series Toon Heads. But Boomerang is now doing hour-long blocks of Pokemon. Could any of us have imagined a day would come when there was no Bugs Bunny show on daily television? Does it even make sense that Warners would drop such a valuable property from its TV networks, especially from a channel that doesn’t have commercials and hence presumably need not cater to current fads? Grateful as I am for the 1990s Batman episodes on Boomerang, will the network eventually become so crammed with retired series from Kids WB and Cartoon Network that Warner/Turner will have to found yet another new network for classic theatrical cartoons? Or should TCM just expand its Cartoon Alley schedule? Or is Warners’ current attitude, “Let “˜em eat DVDs”? (And will a new generation buy Looney Tunes DVDs if they haven’t seen samples of the cartoons on television?)

Damn! If only Pikachu/Cthulhu could meet the fate he so richly deserves! Little did I know on Thursday that before Comic-Con ended, I would see justice served.

By sheer chance I encountered my longtime friend (and former comics pro) Meloney Crawford Chadwick as I made my way through the crowded aisles. We talked animatedly, and discussed getting together on Sunday afternoon, as we had the last two times I attended Comic-Con. We didn’t set a specific time or place to meet ln Sunday, but she told me how to get in touch with her.

And this was a mistake that I make every year at Comic-Con since the new century began. It was merely by luck that I met Meloney on Thursday, and it would be a matter of luck if I saw her again at this Con. Always set a specific time and place to meet. I again quite the wisdom of Mark Evanier, who rhetorically asked on his blog, “Why is it I couldn’t locate the ten or twelve people with whom I had to talk business but I couldn’t take twelve steps without running into Len Wein?” In my case, it was Danny Fingeroth.

I also found the DK booth, where I had the pleasure of meeting two people from DK Publishing’s London office, who would be sharing the panel with me: senior designer Robert Perry and DK Licensing publisher Alex Allan, who, despite the misleading name (or, rather, I was just too unimaginative to recognize an alternate possibility), proved to be a blonde woman.

THURSDAY 2:00 PM
It was also a pleasure to see former Marvel editor in chief Tom De Falco again. We are two of the many writers of DK’s forthcoming Marvel Encyclopedia, which goes on sale in October. I don’t think either of us had any idea what we would say on the DK panel in Room 1B, but thanks to our improvisatory skills it went quite well. We even discovered that we had different stories about the origin of The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: I think it came from former editor on chief Jim Shooter’s notion of doing a book of “specifications” of Marvel superheroes’ powers, and Tom thinks it came from Shooter’s suggestion that Mark Gruenwald turn his style guide sheets on Marvel characters into a book. But as I pointed out, both stories could be true. Alex Allan said that the Handbook was indeed a partial inspiration for the DK Marvel Encyclopedia, so I’m still working on the Gruenwald legacy. During the panel I also surprised Alex by praising DK’s art and travel books, which I had been buying long before I did any work for them.

The panel had a good audience, some of whom came up to speak to me afterwards. This was how I got to meet Stuart Vandal, one of the writers of Marvel’s current Handbooks, who had journeyed to Comic-Con all the way from the United Kingdom (thereby putting the reclusive Mr. Hembeck to shame!). As we left, Tom and I got to talk to an old friend, comics writer Marv Wolfman, who was arriving to sit on the next panel. And once I was outside the panel room, I encountered Ben Jackendorf, the cameraman for Constantine Valhouli’s Sex, Lies and Superheroes, the documentary I worked on several years ago, who had since moved to Los Angeles. There may have been over a hundred thousand people at this convention, but sometimes the gods of Comic-Con arrange welcome surprises.

THURSDAY 3:30 PM
Gina Misiroglu, the co-editor of The Supervillain Book, and I had set a time and place to meet (in front of Pro Registration) before we left for Comic-Con, so we had no trouble finding each other. Since we a relatively quiet spot to talk, I escorted her to a quiet restaurant with a picturesque view that Meloney has shown me which is only a short walk from the Convention Center, and yet it appears to remain a secret to over ninety-nine percent of Con attendees. (No, I’m not going to tell you where it is.) There we discussed Gina’s idea for her next book, which I would help write if we find a publisher for it. (No, I’m not going to tell you what it is.) And I finally told Gina my idea for yet another book that she and I could co-edit and co-write, which she loved. (And I’m certainly not going to tell you what this is!) (Gina was also excited about my airborne encounter with Annette: “Did you ask her out?”)

This meeting with Gina worked out fine, but I missed the big Publishers Weekly meeting that was also held that afternoon. I knew there was going to be one, but as of the time I left my apartment on Wednesday I still hadn’t been e-mailed the time or place; the e-mail wasn’t sent out until Thursday, when it was too late for me to see it. The meeting was at 5 PM, which, according to the Beat’s e-mail, was “after the Grant Morrison/[Deepak] Chopra thing that everyone seems to be going to.” (Well, not “everyone”: I am not a particular fan of Morrison’s work or New Age blather.)

Too bad, since the e-mail continued, “We’ll be going over assignments, party invites, and other stuff.” Hey, you mean PW could have gotten me into some of these exclusive parties? Not only that, but I could have gotten my press badge, which PW editor Calvin Reid had picked up. (Couldn’t he have left it at Registration for me?) But Calvin and Heidi had already been swallowed up by the Comic-Con crowd, and I would not see either of them for quite some time to come. Sometimes the gods of Comic-Con are determined to keep people apart.

THURSDAY 5:30 PM
For me Comic-Con would not be complete without dropping in, at least once, on the con-within-a-con hosted by Mark Evanier, who moderates panels, primarily about animation and the Golden and Silver Ages of Comics, throughout the convention. For any comics fan with a sense of history (say, like Fred Hembeck), simply following Mark from panel to panel –twelve in four days this year–and staying clear of the crushing masses on the main convention floor, would make for a perfectly satisfying Comic-Con experience.

If you follow Mark’s blog, you know that he recently underwent surgery for weight reduction, which has had astonishing results. On July 30 he posted on his blog, “I’ve lost 65 pounds in 65 days. I used to eat steaks that weighed that much.” At this rate, I expect that at next year’s Comic-Con we will see the Incredible Shrinking Mark wielding a sharp needle to fend off a predatory housecat. If DC’s new Atom series doesn’t work out, I know where they can find a new contender for the role.

The next panel in EvanierFest was “Spotlight on Jerry Robinson,” the Golden Age Batman artist, editorial cartoonist, and comics historian, held in Room 8.

Before it began, I asked Mark if he had seen our mutual friend Ken Plume. Mark looked at me somewhat severely and said no, but advised me to seek out Ken’s friend, voice actor Billy West. I would not realize the full import of this counsel until later, as you shall see in ensuing installments.

Because I was on the DK Publishing panel, I wasn’t able to attend the Evanier panel that was held simultaneously, “Batman: The Golden/Silver Age,” on which Robinson had appeared. Perhaps that is one reason why Evanier did not ask Robinson much about Batman on his “Spotlight” panel. Another, even better reason, is that there has been considerably more to Robinson’s lengthy career.

Evanier began by observing to Robinson that Batman comprised perhaps “five percent of your career” but that’s “probably what you’re asked most about at cons.” Robinson agreed, “That’s true,” but he added that “It doesn’t bother me.” He added that “I wish maybe they asked more about” his career as an editorial cartoonist, which lasted for thirty-two years. But, Robinson said, reminiscing about Batman “lets me relive my youth.”

Evanier said that “I didn’t realize for a long time that the Jerry Robinson of Batman is the same [person] as Jerry Robinson the editorial cartoonist” because their “styles are so different.” To illustrate Robinson’s versatility, Evanier projected a retrospective of selections of Robinson’s work on a screen: I know that the presentation was done via computer, but the end result was effectively a slide show.

Early on were some classic Batman covers from the 1940s, including one from Detective Comics #70, showing Batman underwater, attempting to rescue Robin, who was trapped inside a bathysphere and, from his expression, clearly running out of air. Robinson explained that this “never happened in a story,” but that he “liked the shape” of the bathysphere. He came up with the visual idea, and “just did it” and showed it to DC editor/art director Whitney Ellsworth, who bought it.

Later there was Flubs and Fluffs, a Sunday comic strip that Robinson did for “seventeen, eighteen years,” in which he drew cartoons based on funny things that children had actually said in classrooms, such as “An autobiography is the life of an automobile.” We were shown a cartoon illustrating the line “In the Civil War, the Southern States receded from the Union”: Robinson’s illustration showed Confederate soldiers at sea, with one dryly observing, “I think we receded too far.”

Robinson said that Flubs and Fluffs received “up to 1500 letters per week,” and he was “told it got more mail than the President of the United States.”

Robinson also said that some lines were submitted to the strip that were too “off color” for them to use, giving as an example, “Magellan circumcised the world three times.”

Beginning in 1961 Robinson did a daily series of editorial cartoons called Still Life, in which inanimate objects commented on current events. In one that we were shown, the Presidential seal states that “The President [Richard Nixon] is in conference with his most trusted advisor. He’s alone.” Still Life was succeeded by a more conventional editorial cartoon series, Life with Robinson, in which people appeared.

Robinson told the audience that as a result of his cartoons he was invited by President Lyndon Johnson down to his ranch, and to the White house by Presidents Johnson and Carter. Robinson said that Richard Nixon “once asked for an original,” but this was “early on,” before Robinson “started criticizing him heavily.”

Since these editorial cartoons were syndicated to numerous papers, Robinson said this gave him “freedom.” He said he “was as harsh as I needed to be” in his commentary. “At times” he “lost papers” due to what he said in the cartoons, but thanks to syndication he could “lose a paper” but “not lose your job.”

How cutting were his cartoons? Here’s an exchange from a Still Life, presumably from the Vietnam era, that we were shown that seems relevant today: a cannon asks, “What’s a limited war?” and is told, “That’s one where the casualties don’t exceed the birth rate.”

Robinson also spent years doing “Theatre Life with Robinson” for Playbill, the program given out at Broadway shows. As something of a counterpart to the late Al Hirschfeld, Robinson would draw illustrations of performers on Broadway shows. (Evanier mentioned that he had once sat for Hirschfeld, and was surprised that he “drew me without looking at the page” once!) Robinson would sit in the audience during a show to do sketches, but he would also go backstage. Evanier showed various examples of “Theatre Life,” such as a striking portrait of Duke Ellington amidst a montage of performers from the Ellington revue Sophisticated Ladies and the original cast of the musical Nine. Commenting on portraits of MGM musical stars Ann Miller and Mickey Rooney from their Broadway show Sugar Babies, Robinson had interesting insights into performers’ public and private selves.

Miller, Robinson said, “posed for me in her dressing room,” which was full of “big stuffed lions.” This affectation, it turned out, was not a reference to the MGM lion; Miller was a believer in reincarnation, and claimed she lived in Egypt circa 300 B. C.. She “told me about some of her funnier lives” in what he termed “a high. sweet voice” until she was interrupted by a phone call to her agent, whereupon Robinson imitated Miller shifting into a loud, angry voice. Then, when the call was over, he told us, Miller shifted “back to the sweet voice” as if nothing had happened.

Rooney, he said, was “frenetic, couldn’t sit still” until Robinson offered him the Napoleon-style hat he wears in the picture. He “held [his] grin for almost a minute once he put the hat on,” Robinson said, long enough for him to make the sketch.

And there were many more examples from Robinson’s wide ranging career in cartooning, which makes most contemporary comics artists’ careers look rather narrow. From a book about the Civil War (America’s, not Marvel’s), there was Robinson’s fine portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which he said he “tried to do in the engraved style of the 1860s.” There was art from children’s books, and a cover that Robinson did for a book called Moon Trip. (Here Evanier interjected that he once asked Jack Kirby about the moon landing, and Kirby told him, “I’ve been there already.”) There were pages from comic book stories he had drawn in the Western and crime genres. There were sketches he had done on his travels to such places as Florence and Prague. We were shown pictures of a caricatured eagle and bear, representing the United States and the Soviet Union, that Robinson had done as co-art director for an animated film called Stereotypes. We were also shown the cover for Robinson’s early 1970s book, Comics: An Illustrated History of Comic Strip Art, which Dark Horse will be republishing, probably next year.

The subject of the recent protests against the cartoons of Mohammed drawn by Danish artists came up. Robinson said that the Cartoonists and Artists Syndicate, which he had founded to represent foreign cartoonists in the United States, represented two of those Danish cartoonists.

This led to Robinson’s recounting of how in the 1970s Jules Feiffer called him to tell him about “a cartoonist imprisoned and tortured in Uruguay,” which then had “one of the worst fascist regimes.” Robinson said this cartoonist was a “prisoner of conscience” who “only opposed the government in his art.” Robinson set about publicizing this man’s case. “It took three years,” Robinson told us, but finally, through the help of Senator Paul Tsongas and other U. S. senators, the cartoonist “was released six months before his term was up.”

“Most such prisoners,” Robinson continued, have “no one outside to help, so they lose hope” and “commit suicide” or die by other means. Robinson stated that this cartoonist’s wife told him that “Knowing that American artists were working to get him out kept him alive.”

Perhaps inevitably, the panel ultimately returned to Robinson’s reminiscences about his early days in comic books. Mark Evanier asked Robinson to retell the celebrated story of how he, the late George Roussos, and several other artists turned out a whole sixty-four page comic book over a long weekend, starting on a Thursday night in 1941. If they didn’t have the comic done by Monday morning, publisher Charles Biro would have lost the allotment of paper he needed to print it. The artists rented a vacant apartment to work in, but on that Saturday night the city was hit by “one of the biggest blizzards in New York history.” Robinson told us they “had to dig our way out of the doorway.” One of the artists, Bernie Klein, “went out to forage for food,” and returned with a dozen eggs and a can of beans. But they had “no way to cook them,” Robinson recalled, until they started to “break off tiles out of the bathroom” to construct an improvised hot plate.

The artists all created new characters for this book, and Robinson’s contribution was a superhero named London, It was “just before we got into the war,” Robinson told us, the city of London was being “bombed by the Nazis” and “the fate of Western civilization” was at stake. Robinson’s new superhero embodied the British resistance to tyranny. A caption in Robinson’s London story read, “As he is London, the living, breathing reality to prove London can take it!”

Also perhaps inevitably, a questioner from the audience asked Robinson how he came up with his most famous creation, the Joker. Robinson was a student at Columbia University (like myself!) when he was first working on Batman. “I was studying literature,” he told us, and “I knew every great hero has an antagonist,” like “David and Goliath” or “Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty.” Hence, Robinson said, he wanted to come up with a villain “with some dimension.”

Robinson was specifically influenced by the fact that, he said, his brother and mother “were champion bridge players. I played too, but not as well.” So he “searched a deck of cards” and found the “classic image” of the Joker.

Robinson pointed out that in the first Joker stories they “didn’t explain his white face.” (Or, for that matter, the Joker’s green hair and blood-red lips.) He “felt it was more intriguing not to explain it.” Robinson is aware that later it was established that the Joker’s hair and skin were permanently dyed by chemical wastes, but he contends that “once you know he fell in a vat, it’s not bizarre.” In a period when comics fans demand explanations for everything, Jerry Robinson thus advocates the appealing intrigue of unsolved mysteries.

A dweller of the Northeast like Mr. Hembeck or myself can see Jerry Robinson speak at New York City conventions, but it took a trip to California to hear him drawn out on these many other interesting facets of his career.

Is this enough to persuade Fred to go to San Diego? Or does he need more? If you and he come back next week, you’ll learn still more about Comic-Con ’06.

ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MYSELF
I’ve written yet another review column for Publishers Weekly‘s online newsletter Comics Week, and you can find the article here.

Copyright 2006 Peter Sanderson

 

 

August 11, 2006

Film Flam Flummox – August 11, 2006

Filed under: Film Flam Flummox — UncaScroogeMcD @ 4:00 pm

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August 11, 2006

WTC = M8 4 TV

World Trade CenterTo pan a work as sincere and well-intentioned as WORLD TRADE CENTER would seem a bit of a bullying move, but for all its noble intent Oliver Stone’s film brings to celluloid life makes just about every fear anyone had about a Hollywood treatment of the 9/11 tragedy. The specific real-life story Stone tells is indeed one worth telling: the rescue of Port Authority policemen John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage) and Will Jimeno (Michael Peña) from underneath the rubble of the twin towers. For about twenty or so minutes, Stone finds a fresh angle to what the audience has become all too familiar with, staying with McLoughlin, Jimeno, and their ill-fated colleagues as they are among the first inside the building after the planes hit the World Trade Center–and the buildings collapse right on them. The catastrophe and the immediate aftermath are gripping; Stone gives the collapse a chilling you-are-there immediacy.

But the genuine terror makes for manufactured mush once the action shifts from outside the rubble and McLoughlin and Jimeno’s families as they wait for news on their loved ones. As hard as Maria Bello (as McLoughlin’s wife) and Maggie Gyllenhaal (as Jimeno’s very pregnant spouse) work to make the suffering real, they are at the mercy of first-time screenwriter Andrea Borloff’s Hollywood hackneyed script, which have the two spouting unconvincing dialogue (such as Bello’s “He gave the best years of his life to you” rant to the police department) and doing only-in-the-movies actions to amp up the “drama” (Gyllenhaal storms out of a car in a huff because a stop light was taking too long). Reportedly a great deal of research went into the script, and the words spoken and the actions taken may have very well taken place, but as committed to film they come off as artificial–and Stone, never one known for subtlety, hammers everything home with a heavy hand, confirming that straight-laced sincerity is not organic to this natural born filmmaker’s repertoire. I’m not one who thinks that a 9/11 movie needs to be dark and depressing or have a distinct political point of view; I’m certain a truly inspirational film celebrating the courage and resilience that came to the fore on 9/11 can be made and is perhaps even needed. World Trade Center isn’t that film, though; for all the A-level big screen talent involved, its mawkish manipulation is no different than any typically trite TV-movie based on a real-life tragedy.

Missing a Step

Step UpThe TV spots for STEP UP claim that it “captures the voice of a generation,” and if that’s the case, then the voice of the youth hasn’t changed at all in the five years since Save the Last Dance hit theatres. Once again classical dancer (Jenna Dewan) meets street dancer (Channing Tatum), and through some plot contrivance they become unlikely rehearsal partners for her big school showcase. Along the way his keep-it-real hip-hop style loosens up her traditional one; his aimless existence gains some order and purpose; and they, of course, fall in love. Dewan and Tatum are capable dancers and likable presences, as are Drew Sidora and Damaine Radcliff as their respective best friends, but director Anne Fletcher doesn’t dress up the old blueprint with enough energetic dancing to distract from the gnashing gears of a mechanical plot.

Hold on to the Nights

Talladega NightsWith Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and now TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY, Will Ferrell and director/writing collaborator Adam McKay have carved out a comfortable comic niche in taking confidently clueless oafs and pulling the rug out from under the core of resolutely prototypical alpha male existence. This time, it’s Deep South Americana and NASCAR hyper-machismo rather than ’70s TV news, and the results are sharper, smarter, and funnier as Ferrell and McKay are able to hone their episodic, personality-driven approach into a more cohesive overall story. Not that personality isn’t the engine that drives this wild, fast ride; Ferrell’s champion race car driver Ricky Bobby is no doubt an exaggerated paragon of male and American arrogance and chauvinism, but he’s innocently, not mean-spiritedly, so, and Ferrell’s innate sincerity paired with his go-for-broke commitment to the part make it easy for the audience to root for Ricky as he attempts to make it back to the race track after a traumatizing crash. The arc of Ricky’s story also allows Ferrell and McKay to savvily spin on sports biographies, cheerfully making beelines toward every corny cliché only to subvert any sap (and never ultimately surrender to it, unlike the oeuvre of fellow Saturday Night Live alum Adam Sandler) with a perfectly deployed zinger. While undoubtedly a showcase vehicle for Ferrell’s talent, even more so than in Anchorman he and McKay are unusually generous to his impressive supporting cast, who, regardless of the size of the part, are given a moment to call his or her own: John C. Reilly (as Ricky’s race partner/best friend); Gary Cole (as Ricky’s deadbeat dad); Jane Lynch (as Ricky’s tough mom); Sacha Baron Cohen (as Ricky’s very French, very gay rival racer); Amy Adams (as Ricky’s loyal assistant); Michael Clarke Duncan (as the head of Ricky’s pit crew)–the list literally does go on. So, too, does the list of potential targets Ferrell and McKay would have a comic field day skewering; I eagerly anticipate whatever’s next.

The Cave Done Right

The DescentThe headline sounds like damning with faint praise, but a comparison between THE DESCENT and last summer’s largely forgotten late-season turkey are inevitable, as they are both thrillers in which people venture into a cavern only to find some nasty creatures awaiting them inside. But that’s where the similarities begin and end, as Neil Marshall’s UK import, while delivering the anticipated blood ‘n guts, is genuinely suspenseful and unsettling. In fact, it’s almost a disappointment when the creatures first show up, as Marshall already builds enough palpable tension as an all-female group of thrill seekers find their spelunking adventure gradually go awry. While this includes some conventional calamities as cave-ins and less-than-navigable passageways, the drama is enhanced by the increasing friction between the group members, particularly the fearless, feisty de facto leader Juno (Natalie Mendoza) and the tormented Sarah (Shauna Macdonald), still recovering from the tragic loss of her husband and child. Thankfully the drama doesn’t deflate but rather intensifies once the bloodthirsty creatures show up, and while Marshall does pile on the blood and body parts, the gore is not the be-all end-all unlike some recent “thrillers” but mere tools to go along with staging, editing, and pacing to create an intense, horrifying atmosphere. After all the carefully-wrought mayhem, the conclusion in this U.S. cut (as usual, someone saw the need to alter a foreign piece to tailor it to domestic tastes) is a bit of a cheap jolt, but it doesn’t dilute the disturbing effect of what comes before.

Fly the Coop Already

BarnyardTogether, John A. Davis and Steve Oedekerk made the refreshingly witty Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius. Apart, they have exemplified why studios need to slow down the CG/3-D animation output, first with Davis’s The Ant Bully and now Oedekerk’s BARNYARD. That the lead character is a “male cow” complete with udders shows how confused the picture is; it wants to be a Lion King-like story about a carefree son (voiced by Kevin James) taking responsibility and assuming the mantle of his dad (Sam Elliott) as leader and protector of his barnyard’s family of animals, but also wants to revel in the shallow joys and excesses of hakuna matata obnoxiousness. The result is neither moving nor charming–not to mention particularly funny to viewers over the age of ten–and the lackluster work of the B-level star cast (which also includes Arquette-less Courteney Cox and Andie MacDowell) makes one further yearn for the days of animated features starring bonafide voice actors.

No One Is Listening

The Night ListenerDespite his claim to fame as a manic cut-up, these days for me Robin Williams more interesting to watch in dramatic roles, from the summer 2002 one-two punch of Insomnia and One Hour Photo, and even in lesser projects such as 2004’s little-seen The Final Cut and now THE NIGHT LISTENER. Williams has a captivating, anguished stillness as Gabriel Noone, a writer and radio personality who strikes up a phone mail friendship with Pete, a dying teenage fan who may or may not actually exist. As he showed in The Business of Strangers, director Patrick Stettner knows how to keep the pace tight, the atmosphere unsettling, and the run time lean. But even at 82 minutes, this film of Armistead Maupin’s (who also had a hand in the script) novel seems padded out, spinning its wheels and generating no suspense once the central, easily answered question is introduced. Toni Collette delivers another solid turn as a woman who holds the key to the mystery, but the work by her, Williams, and Sandra Oh (largely wasted as Gabriel’s sassy housekeeper and confidant) cannot disguise what is plainly, quickly obvious to the viewer–though not the characters themselves.

The Sundance Afterschool Special

QuinceaneraAway from the high altitudes and freezing temperatures of Utah in January, the celebrated Sundance prizewinner QUINCEAÑERA doesn’t look quite so special. Although it boasts appealing work by two promising newcomers–Emily Rios as Magdalena, who discovers she is mysteriously pregnant in the weeks before her traditional Mexican fifteenth birthday celebration; Jesse Garcia as her cousin Carlos, a gang member coming to terms with his homosexuality–Richard Glatzer and Wash Westmoreland’s drama is as slavishly routine as it is warm and crowd-pleasing; there’s even an aging great-grand-uncle (a winning Chalo González) whose fate is telegraphed even without me adding “saintly” to his character description. The themes of teen pregnancy, young homosexuality, and radical changes in an old neighborhood are handled in a simple, tidy fashion that feels as calculated and programmatic as a Very Special Episode of a series or an afterschool special; the cursory ethnic angle particularly gives the film the latter feel, and Carlos’s scandalous affair with one half of the gay landlord couple gives the film instant Sundance-anointed R-rated indie arthouse chic. The beguiling genuineness of Rios, Garcia, González, and most of the cast ultimately cannot combat the carefully orchestrated paint-by-numbers formula.

Not So Spectacular

The L.A. Riot SpectacularWith a title like THE L.A. RIOT SPECTACULAR, writer-director Marc Klasfeld’s aim is obvious: to shock and, better yet, offend with this outrageous satire of the 1992 civil unrest that erupted in Los Angeles after the Rodney King police beating and trial verdict. But not unlike the recent crop of gore-filled horror movies that spend too much energy trying the gross out the audience instead of scaring it, this is one of those comedies that exhausts itself trying to be outrageous and crass but often forgetting to actually be funny. A number of familiar names–Emilio Estevez, Charles S. Dutton, George Hamilton, Charles Durning, Ronny Cox, William Forsythe, Ted Levine, Christopher McDonald, even Jonathan Lipnicki–pop up as Snoop Dogg narrates the wacky, irreverent chain of events that follow the beating of King (T.K. Carter), but the parade of random recognizable faces underscores how thrown together and scattershot the film is. Very occasionally something hits and incites a chuckle, but much like the overall broad approach, whatever targets are hit are from the most obvious angle (e.g. some faintly amusing bits about how the media are–shocker–heartlessly exploitative vultures), and even at only 80 minutes the forcibly over-the-top, in-your-face lowbrow shock tactics become exhausting well before the halfway mark.

Sights Unseen

Dimension Films and the Weinsteins may now be free of the Disney reins, but the hot-potato game of release dates for genre films continue as the remake of Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s PULSE finally hits theatres after getting tossed around the schedule for the last year. Kristen Bell, Christina Milian, and Rick Gonzalez are among the teens terrorized by a deadly force unleashed on the Internet.

Tim Allen’s latest family film ZOOM casts him as a retired superhero bringing together a group of superpowered youths to battle a supervillain (Rip Torn). Courteney Cox also stars.

At the Video Store

The screen adaptation of Alan Moore and David Lloyd’s celebrated graphic novel V FOR VENDETTA (Warner Home Video) wasn’t quite the huge blockbuster that a lot of recent comic-to-screen projects have been, but director James McTeigue and screenwriters Larry and Andy Wachowski have fashioned a masked (anti)hero yarn mixing the requisite action with unusually provocative, thought-provoking ideas–brains to go with the bangs, booms, and blood. Central to the story is not so much the titular Guy Fawkes-masked terrorist/freedom fighter V (Hugo Weaving) combating the fascist government of Great Britain than the political and intellectual awakening he inspires in a young woman (Natalie Portman) who becomes his unlikely ally. Warner Home Video has issued both a standard edition (available in either widescreen or full-frame) and two-disc special edition (widescreen only). The latter includes extensive documentaries on the making of the film, the original comic, and the real-life Guy Fawkes; as well as, as an Easter egg, Portman’s infamous Saturday Night Live music video.

Walt Disney Home Entertainment’s DVD of their Tim Allen-starring remake of THE SHAGGY DOG has to go down in some sort of history book for offering a “bone-us” feature strictly for the dogs (literally): a “bark-along” Sing-Along Songs-style clip for the song (yes) “Woof! There It Is.” The usual deleted scenes and commentary by director Brian Robbins are also included.

Next Time…

…more reviews, including Accepted. As always, for additional reviews from past and present and and more, check out my home site, TheMovieReport.com.

 

 

Addicted to Bad: Curse Words

Filed under: Addicted to Bad — UncaScroogeMcD @ 3:43 am
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Statistics is the science of proving that everyone you meet is a either a pervert, a criminal, or has a rare, communicable disease. Usually this is done at the behest of a local news program, who uses the numbers to scare old people. Which in turn causes more old people to die, thus providing statisticians with more data. And that, my friends, is the circle of life.

Regardless, statistics tell us that, out of any group of 100 people, 99 of them will suffer some horrible misfortune during their life, and the 100th still won’t win the lottery. Which is why it’s so hard to believe in the so-called “Superman Curse.” Sure, Supermancurse creators Jerry “Joe” Shuster and Jerry “Joe” Siegel died penniless, begging on the streets and selling their bodies to Japanese businessmen in exchange for a warm place to sleep and a half-empty Snapple, but that’s more an indication of the predatory business practices of the 1930s comic book industry than it is some sort of supernatural curse against people connected to the character. Name me a legendary comic creator who didn’t wind up broke, disillusioned, and trading his body to perverse Asian millionaires for cash and/or soft drinks. Apart from George Papp (who had a taste for Austrians and Mr. Pibb), it can’t be done.

Which isn’t to say that there aren’t some comic book movies that are, indeed, stricken by widespread afflictions that some say border on the paranormal. For instance:

BATMAN: Actors playing this character have all later been diagnosed with “tennis elbow.” (See photo.) Also, actresses appearing as love interests for Bruce Wayne have all been revealed to be completely and utterly insane.

SPIDER-MAN: At least three actors associated with the character are chronically unable to match their socks. In addition, many of the silver screen’s Spider-Men look really stoned, even when they’re not.Fatman

THOR: Two of the men who have portrayed this character on screen have later gone on to be Cardinals in the Catholic Church, but have always been passed over for Pope.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: Every single performer in these films has had a sex change operation.

SWAMP THING: My friend tells me that he knew this guy who worked on SWAMP THING 2: EVEN SWAMPIER who swears that there’s one shot in the movie where you can totally see Dick Durock’s taint. More a curse for the viewers than the cast, if you ask me.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR: Gerald Mohr, who originated the part of Reed “Mr. Fantastic” Richards on the 1967 cartoon, suffered from crippling bacharachornithophobia, or a fear of birds owned by singer-songwriters. In the 1990s, Cam Clarke, who portrayed the same character, had the exact opposite condition, bacharachornithophilia, or an unusual sexual attraction to birds owned by singer-songwriters.

THE CROW: Nothing bad has ever happened to anyone from these movies, ever.
GhostRider
GHOST RIDER: Actors associated with this role have a history of appearing in awful movies about motorcyclists with flaming heads.

BLADE: Spooky but true: 37 crew members became ill on the set, first getting a high fever and then nausea, followed by their internal organs turning into a fine paste. However, this was later discovered not to be a curse, but botulism poisoning.

SPAWN: Everyone associated with this film has at one time or another been described as “a total dink.”

CONSTANTINE: Strange things were constantly being reported around this film’s set. Trained performers, called “actors,” would show up each day, having learned pre-rehearsed sections of written conversations, or “dialogue,” which they would enact in front of “cameras” loaded with “film” that would record the entire thing. Later, these “scenes” were taken to a lab, processed, and then carefully thrown away, replaced by total, unfiltered crap.

Weekend Shopping Guide 8/11/06: Elk’s Run

Filed under: Shopping Guides — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:37 am

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The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the Quick Stop Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

I don’t often feature something that actually hasn’t hit shelves yet, but I want to make sure everyone heads over to their favorite online book emporium and pre-orders the trade collection of Josh Fialkov’s amazing comic series Elk’s Run (Random House, $19.95 SRP). Just do it… Then head back here and we’ll get on with this week’s shopping guide.

What I love so much about The Wire is that you never get the same show when you come back in for another season. The focus shifts and suddenly you’re dropped into a different arena. The third season (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP) focuses on the city’s faltering drug war, with a desperate mayor eager to claim some sort of victory before the upcoming election in the face of a police department running on empty. The 5-disc set features the full 12-episode run, plus a Museum of television & Radio Q&A, a conversation with creator David Simon, and five audio commentaries.

Smart and savvy, Brendon Frye (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) has chosen to remain an outsider – but soon finds himself up to his neck in a high school crime ring when he tries to solve the murder of the girl he loved. Brick (Universal, Rated R, DVD-$29.98 SRP) is a sharp, brilliantly executed old school detective story, I can’t compliment Gordon-Levitt enough on a riveting performance that kept my eyes glued for the duration (which is no small task for a multitasker like me). Bonus features include an audio commentary, deleted scenes, and a featurette on the casting process.

Just when I begin to sink into a full-on depression about the state of comics today, the latest parcel from Twomorrows always brightens my spirits, bringing me back to far happier times and spotlighting amazing work worthy of the attention. Three releases worth snagging are the first volume collecting Roy Thomas’s Alter Ego (Twomorrows, $21.95 SRP), Danny Fingeroth and Mike Manley’s How To Create Comics: From Script To Print ($13.95 SRP), and my personal fave, Modern Masters: Walter Simonson ($14.95 SRP).

As a fan of Chappelle’s Show right from its premiere, I was incredibly leery of the trio of episodes cobbled together from the footage shot for the show’s third season prior to Dave’s abrupt departure. Based on just how much material was cut from the first two seasons because it didn’t quite make the bar, I can only imagine that a fair share of the sketches shot would have been cut long before a real third season would have aired, just in the natural vetting process. After viewing the Frankenstein-episodes featured on Chappelle’s Show: The Lost Episodes (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$24.99 SRP), my fears were entirely justified and, sadly, borne out by the material on display. Of the dozen or so pieces, only about 3 were truly worthy of the show’s legacy (and the bulk of that strong material is in the first episode presented here, most of which is a rather unsubtle look at exactly where Dave’s head was at and why his flight to Africa should have come as no surprise to anyone paying attention), while the rest range from average to abysmal. It really is a sad way for such an incredible show to go out, but I guess that’s business. Bonus materials include additional unaired sketches, deleted scenes, bloopers, a making-of, and audio commentary.

In one of those cases of “What do you mean a book like this hasn’t come out before?”, I wholeheartedly recommend, suggest, prod, and poke you into getting a copy of Steve Allen and the Original Tonight Show (Prometheus Books, $26.00 SRP), which details the formative era of late night television and one of its main pioneers, whose long shadow still looms large over his heirs.

As soon as I watched the pilot, I feared that Prison Break (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$55.98 SRP) was going to be one of those shows that had a high concept that would eventually run out of steam and collapse in a pathetic, clichéd mess (see Twin Peaks and X-Files). At least for the first season, the steam is still there, and I’m eager to see exactly how the brothers Scofield will make their break, what the big conspiracy is, and whether Michael can ever get that tattoo removed. The 6-disc set features all 22 episodes, plus select episode audio commentaries, a trio of behind-the-scenes featurettes, Fox Movie Channel’s Making the Scene, and alternate/deleted scenes.

When it first premiered, I absolutely adored Adult Swim’s Sealab 2021. It was odd, it was surreal, but it was also funny as hell in a decidedly bent fashion. However, the show hit a significant hurdle when the actor who played the loony Captain Murphy – Harry Goz – passed away. Unfortunately, the show lost a lynchpin, and never was able to recover the same level of, well, funny that they’d lost. By the time the final episodes of the series – contained in the new 4th season set (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP) rolled around, the writing was clearly on the wall and they very appropriately decided to close up shop. The episodes are certainly not their best, but I thank them for giving me Captain Murphy and a nice footnote to the long career of Harry Goz. The 2-disc set features the last 13 episodes, plus deleted scenes, featurettes, and an alternate ending to “Legacy of Laughter.”

Another Adult Swim original marking it’s final DVD release is The Brak Show (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP), which – although it ended on a much higher note – definitely stepped away as the well was beginning to run dry on the twisted suburban adventures of Brak, Zorak, Mom, and Dad. There are no bonus features on the 2-disc Volume 2 set – it’s just the last 14 episodes.

At first, I honestly wasn’t sure if the new Ween album, Shinola: Vol. 1 (Chocodog Records, $14.98 SRP) was complete genius or complete crap. Over its 12-track run, I vacillated between the two until I heard the last track, “Someday,” and it clicked – and I’m happy to say, it’s the positive rather than the negative.

When I saw the original theatrical cut of Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven, I was less-than-impressed by the cluttered, somewhat incomprehensible morass of it all. I’m happy to say that his revised and expanded director’s cut (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$34.98 SRP) is a vast improvement, taking what was a disappointing entry in his career and making film that – while not great – is certainly the mess it was. The 4-disc set features an introduction from Scott, audio commentaries, a 6-part feature-length documentary on the making of the film an its eventual director’s cut, deleted scenes, behind-the-scenes featurettes on various aspects of the production, cast rehearsal footage, visual effects breakdowns, storyboard and conceptual art galleries, footage from the premieres, trailers, TV spots, and more.

It’s not your average Spike Lee flick, and maybe it was the surprise of something different that made me get a real kick out of Inside Man (Universal, Rated R, DVD-$29.98 SRP), an action set piece about a high stakes bank robbery gone pear-shaped, leaving a detective (Denzel Washington) to deal with both the robber (Clive Owen) and a power broker (Jodie Foster) with an agenda of her own. Bonus features include a conversation between Lee and Washington, an audio commentary from Lee, deleted scenes, and a making-of featurette.

Following the same release pattern of its companion show, He-Man, we get The Best of She-Ra: Princess of Power (BCI, Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP). The 2-disc set features the original pilot film The Secret of the Sword, plus the top 5 episodes as voted by fans. The set is also packed with bonus materials, including a brand new behind-the-scenes documentary, an audio commentary on Secret of the Sword, a music video featurette, and more of the collectible postcards that have been featured in the He-Man sets, this time by Brandon Peterson and Joe Chiodo. Keep an eye out for the first seasonal volume in the near future.

Proving once again that they’re the only company out there who should be doing releases of cartoon shows, BCI has managed to make a special edition worth owning of the largely mediocre animated Flash Gordon series (BCI, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP). Running just 24 episodes, they’re all featured in this 4-disc set, which also contains a newly produced retrospective documentary, a trio of episode commentaries, storyboard-to-clip comparisons, a gallery, and more (plus another pair of collectible postcards). Why couldn’t BCI have been the ones to put out the Disney catalogue, such as DuckTales and Darkwing Duck?

Finally giving it the definitive edition it deserves, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Fox, Rated PG, DVD-$26.98 SRP) adds to the bonus features already found on the original DVD release, winding up with 2 audio commentaries, a making-of featurettes, a featurette on the real Butch & Sundance, an extended making-of documentary, a History Through the Lens documentary, interviews with the cast and crew, deleted scenes, trailers, and more.

The fourth season of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP)shook up the status quo by sending Will and Carlton off to college, and increasing the comedy with Uncle Phil (the always wonderful James Avery). The 4-disc set is, sadly, completely featureless… Come on, you couldn’t even get Alfonso Ribeiro?

With the release of second volume of season 4, the deluxe Starburst Editions of Farscape (ADV, Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP) is drawing to a close, with only a single release remaining to finish off the series. So far, the Starburst sets have been worthy reissues, packed with new bonus materials that should satisfy the most diehard of fans (short of having Ben Browder and Claudia Black packed in every case).

Examining their formative years, Rolling Stones: Under Review 1962-1966 (Sexy Intellectual, Not Rated, DVD-$19.95 SRP) is a nicely presented analysis of the rock royalty as they exploded from a bar band to a worldwide phenomena.

Craig Armstrong’s music for Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center (Sony Classical, $18.98 SRP) is just as understated and subtle as you’d hope would accompany so touchy a subject matter, never devolving into unnecessary (and unwelcome) bombast that would turn the flick into a Hollywood cliché. Give it a spin.

Of the three films featured in the new Jayne Mansfield Collection (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP) – which include The Girl Can’t Help It and The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw – my favorite has to be the Madison Avenue satire Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?, starring a young Tony Randall at his comic best as the titular adman desperately trying to climb the corporate ladder. Fox has taken a page from Warner’s beautiful catalogue releases by getting commentaries and classic Fox Movietone featurettes for each of the discs.

You know, the first season really didn’t phase me too much, as it was so much brainless eye candy, but the second season of MTV’s Laguna Beach (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP) is when the contrived crap of it all really started to drive nails into my cranium. I truly, honestly, would not care if the sea along the beach they so adored just swallowed up each and every one of them. The 3-disc set features deleted scenes, cast interviews, home videos, behind-the-scenes featurettes, and more.

Regardless of the content, I love the designs of Xiaolin Showdown (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP), the first season of which is now hitting you local DVD emporium. It’s like a cross between Powerpuff Girls and Teen Titans, and it’s a dynamic I really dig.

Far from inheriting an exhausted license, McFarlane Toys has found new and quite fun permutations in their take on the Simpsons action figure line, with the latest release being the Couch Gag Playset (McFarlane Toys, $20.00 SRP), where you can mix-and-match the family’s positions via magnets located throughout the figures. Stack ’em wackily, and join me in hoping for a really nice Power Plant playset in the near future.

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So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

Trailer Park: Frankly, I’m Partial To Kill Bill’s Snakework.

Filed under: Trailer Park — admin @ 12:09 am

By Christopher Stipp

Archives? Right Here…

It’s been a long road from HOMEWARD BOUND II: LOST IN SAN FRANCISO (Did anyone bother to check the chop suey?) David Ellis has cultivated a career out of stunting before he turned his attention to directing films.

While much has been written, and written, and written about SNAKES ON A PLANE I thought to add a novel, or lo-fi, approach to disseminating what was said at the press roundtable I sat at for S.O.A.P’s promotional campaign during the San Diego Comic-Con a few weeks ago.

Sure, you could read all about the process of what this absurd flick has done to the viral marketing community but that would take a lot of work on my part. In fact, it would take more time for me to transcribe this audio than it would for you to sit down, watch the movie, and then deal with the shame for having seen it. I didn’t feel like doing that but not for the sheer laziness that you might think. Yes, a little laziness, as you’re going to get Sam Jackson’s audio next week and I don’t even want to transcribe that but I think a movie like S.O.A.P exists solely for the fleeting moment that it’s going to have at the box office. It will go just as fast as it came and the audio here just snaps right through the energy involved in making this film. It’s all about the fun and no one understands this better than Sam, David and everyone else who made the film. Kenan Thompson, on the other hand, had a different kind of energy altogether, probably fueled by herbal supplementation, and you can listen to that next week.

It’s all about the cheap thrill, the flimsy and filthy excuse to have nudity and full-on profanity, and why try to gussy that up with exacting penmanship and accurate reporting? This isn’t the New York Times, this isn’t something that lends itself to careful introspection. This is SNAKES ON A PLANE and why mess with something that is going to make you feel dirty for having seen it? That’s why I’m not going to mess with it and offer something that no one else has offered (Finally! A not-so-exclusive but kinda is because I was so smart to do this and think of a good way of selling it to you and no one else was bright enough to do it and how sad is it that I need to end this sentence with an exclamation mark to make sure I accentuate my greatness!): the actual interview.

Now, I would disclaim the audio quality but, eff it, I could understand David and snake wrangler Jules Sylvester just fine so if you can’t understand the questions the answers sure as hell come in loud and clear for your listening enjoyment. And while David is a pretty impassioned fellow it’s really Jules who was just a treat to listen to. The guy is a reptile fan and he’s just as happy about his profession as much as I was dreading of having to sit through 20 minutes with him. He made a fan out of me and I hope the audio gives you a glimmer about why that’s the case. Both of these guys made for some good audio and I hope you all remember who’s the lazy asshole who wanted to write a real column this week and not get hate mail for supplanting it with some transcriptions that you all would just peruse anyway.

You’re welcome.

Roundtable interview with David Ellis (MP3 Format)

Roundtable interview with Jules Sylvester (MP3 Format)

CRANK (2006)

Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Cast:
Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Dwight Yoakam
Release: September 1, 2006
Synopsis: A hit man (Statham) learns that a poison injected into his body will kill him if his heart rate drops slows a certain point. Now he must exact his revenge on the people who injected him before he takes his last breath.

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Prognosis: Can’t Wait Until It Comes To Netflix. This movie looks absurd, bestial, groan-worthy and worth my money when it comes out on DVD.

After I churned through this trailer I honestly thought this could be mistaken for TRANSPORTER 3. It’s got Statham click-clacking around in his romper stompers, just looking to skull anyone who bothers to enter his walking path, you’ve got guns sliding around and shots going off in every which direction and, what every testosterone-fueled young man wants to see: hot ladies accompanying Jason as he ass-kicks.

This really should be a negative review for a movie that will disappear from people’s collective consciousness but I just can’t deny that I love the way this trailer understands its audience, first of all, and is honest with itself in knowing that it’s better to just go whole hog than it is to try and put a dress on the pig and call it something else.

“My name is Chev Chelios and today’s the day that I die”¦”

When we all meet up with Statham we’re immediately thrust into how this movie is going to end. Pure and simple, this is great. Most storytellers would frown on such a reveal but now we as an audience can feel we have something invested in this guy knowing that he’s going to flat line by the end. Oh, and the gorilla/alpha male look he’s giving the camera, looking all surly, is a machismo move that will no doubt get the ladies from who appreciate this kind of Neanderthal behavior all tingly and bothered.

“I’ve been poisoned with some kind of Chinese synthetic”¦”

Um, so, we next get Jason telling his “doctor” that he’s been drugged with some kind of voodoo medicine and, without explaining what in the hell is going on, or what the context is of the situation, we are rushed into a pack of quick cuts of Jason screaming and pounding as herr doctor let’s us all know that his adrenaline levels are crapping out and that he’s, “gonna die!”

Cue the Euro trash techno, hurry in the requisite action helicopter that means nothing to any of us, have him repeat the macho walk thing again, reveal some hotness with Amy Smart looking all beleaguered and then have Jason reappear in a dressing gown inside a hospital. Huh? Why is he in the hospital if he’s got one hour to live, as we’re told? Don’t know, couldn’t tell you, but I can say that this gives the filmmakers a great reason to have Jason get defibrillated while brandishing a nine millimeter on the resulting shockwave that sends him backward. Cute.

There’s a whole lot more ass kicking with Jason kicking down doors, him getting angry a whole lot, pausing ever so briefly to have a tender moment with his lady, breaking shit up with his car in a BLUES BROTHERS inside the mall kind of moment while adding in just one more moment of Jason walking with that swagger that only he could pull off.

The trailer ends rather abruptly but, really, who cares? I don’t. This is a trailer for a movie that has an endless supply of one liners and such a worldwide marketability quotient that I almost can’t wait to be able and see it when it comes to my video store.

THE GREAT NEW WONDERFUL (2006)

Director: Danny Leiner
Cast: Olympia Dukakis, Jim Gaffigan, Judy Greer, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Tom McCarthy
Release: June 23, 2006 (New York)
Synopsis: “The Great New Wonderful” is populated by people you know: New Yorkers you see on the elevator, in the supermarket, at the gym. Without a trace of sentimentality, director Danny Leiner, a Brooklynnative, and his extraordinary cast paints five portraits of life in this city a year after the attacks of 9/11.

View Trailer:
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Prognosis: Positive. Get off your self-important ass and rent JUDY BERLIN.

This was a movie I actually caught in the theater and couldn’t have been more taken at how well this movie, quiet as it was, spoke its artistic message. I’m a fan of Edie Falco and, not just because of her, but the movie was good because it showed how a solid ensemble can work together to all fit equally in a filmic puzzle.

That’s why I am really hopeful for a movie like this. You don’t see a lot of these kinds of films where, instead of an Altman kind of narrative, you have people slowly unraveling, as it would be in your everyday life; multiple people with layers of issues. This is the kind of film that can either be boosted by those involved or dragged down, as was the case with Madonna’s performance in FOUR ROOMS, by a singular, soft effort.

The trailer opens intriguingly enough.

It’s stated that it is September 11″¦2002. I’m feeling the city used for this movie’s backdrop is New York and it’s a curious selection; not so much for the location but why one year, exactly, after the terrorist attacks? Hmm, I’ve got nothin’.

You’ve got Jim Gaffigan and Tony Shalob (Really, one funny guy and the other, an enigma in the search for why this guy keeps winning awards for his show Monk) sharing a moment in a corporate break room. It’s an odd exchange but the two of them are well enough equipped that the resulting conversation, one that we really aren’t privy to, definitely produces a smile. It’s weirdly amusing.

Next scene, some woman in a hot pink panties (Really, is there any other kind? I think not.) tells her beau that it’s been twenty-two days since the two have done it. I know the hot wife/distant husband trope is about as fresh as a bucket of egg yolks that have been allowed to ferment in a pile of old tires behind an abandoned gas shack in Winslow, Arizona on a delightful 113 degree August morning but she’s still a hot lady in a pair of pink panties so consider me interested in this story, sight unseen.

Olympia Dukakis is some old coot who is trapped in a loveless marriage as she, no doubt, finds herself with nearly both feet in the grave. I’m sure it’s good but I’m not really engaged with the story for all the reasons above, minus the pink panties.

Maggie Gyllenhaal’s despondency is not just pleasurable but it’s appropriate when she mentions that it all stems from her needing an undefined job. We don’t know what this job is but seeing her vacant expressions is enough to establish her position in this movie.

Steven Colbert, an odd duck if ever there was one, pops up in an authoritative capacity trying to dole out a little school justice as it pertains to a troubled little dude. What’s really at stake here? Ah, that’s right, we’re not privy to any defining information.

Olympia starts to get her swerve on with a guy who no doubt has a wrinkly sack so I am very appreciative of the trailer makers who quickly set the tension in motion and get the hell out of there.

Interestingly, these stories start to congeal like a rather spirited Paint n Swirl project. The lines aren’t really clearly defined with how these people relate with one another but the extended moment when a lot of these people are caught on an elevator that loses its lights and then stops briefly gives me pause. I don’t quite understand what this elevator moment is supposed to mean but I do know that I am unable to look away from what happens next.

“Rebuilding is a process”

This trailer gets a positive if for no other reason than I have nothing firm to go off of with regard to the aims of this story but I am absolutely taken with how well the tease functions here. It looks like a solidly interesting premise but, like I said, it all comes down to whether each story can be as good as the others. Even if one fails it, unfairly, I know, taints the rest of the experience.

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS (2006)

Director: Ryan Murphy
Cast: Annette Bening, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jill Clayburgh, Brian Cox, Joseph Fiennes, Evan Rachel Wood, Alec Baldwin, Vanessa Redgrave
Release: October 20, 2006
Synopsis: An adult man looks back on his childhood with his bipolar and self-centered mother.

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Prognosis: Next. Can’t there be any good non-fiction literature made today that doesn’t have an exquisitely twisted family at the center of it all?

I mean, I know it’s cool to just come from a completely fucked up family where the father has a predilection for rubbing Crisco on his nether regions right before going out for a nightly streaking or a mother that might as well be a walking Rush Limbaugh pharmacy with the amount of uppers and downers she’s been able to extort from hapless medical professionals? No, if you want to be taken seriously as a writer. When in doubt, mine your personal pain for profit.

Burroughs has. And, you know what? Good for him because if the opening scenes really happened in his life I am guessing we’re in store for a rather uppity exploration of middle-class twits who have a better handle on their own inner pain than they are with dealing with their family, interacting normally with their children and with really trying hard to decimate any semblance of what average humans do.

We’re introduced to Burroughs as a very young child as he polishes his coins in front of his father, played here by Alec Baldwin. The moment, to be sure, is trying to capture both the child’s odd behavior and Alec’s aloofness as someone who questions his own contribution to a kid that really doesn’t act like one. It’s an odd way to start a trailer, though, and I am not sure of what I really think: is it artifice dressed up in pretentious clothing or is there something else afoot? I’m unable to answer that question as the freak show goes on tour and lands in the head of Annette Bening, a fruity artiste who has grand designs of superstardom that clashes with Alec’s more grounded thoughts about having to put in an honest days work every day.

These values clash in a therapy session where our screen doctor suggests daily therapy for five hours at a time. It’s nuty, to be sure, but Annette is all over it with Alec chiming in with the reality of the situation. This part was amusing to me.

This is, unfortunately, the last time where amusing will be used in this article as the next moment for this film has Alec walking out on Annette, a woman who seems on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. Therapy only solidifies the family as ground zero notion but where the movie should have been about the mother doing what she can to take care of her child she decides to pawn him off to the therapist in an adoptive kind of situation.

Now, I guess since the movie actually happened this way in real life everyone deserves to do whatever they want in explaining Burrough’s own Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride but it just feels false as a story. I don’t have a lot invested in what we’re being whisked away from and to through this trailer but where some people might be shocked at this development, having to shack up with an eccentric (of course! All writers encounter eccentric characters never nut jobs who needed to have the NYPD break out some plunger justice on this cat.)

The home is a relatively safe one, where weirdoes also live with him, where drugs are as available as mama’s Skittle dish, The addition of Paltrow and Wood as the sexy young wards of the crazy old coot is a hapless attempt to try and infuse some pop and sizzle into this thing but I can’t see what this movie’s trajectory actually is.

Are we to believe that Burroughs had wonderful moments here or that he found love here or that he relishes in the oddity that is this family knowing that he’s going to be able and go on tour some day after he’s older and better able to handle a pen and pencil?

I don’t know what to think but there is the feeling of pretension that coats the whole trailer in a sappy gunk that I could not wait to scrub off with a viewing of the trailer for Frank Miller’s 300.

THE PRESTIGE (2006)

Director: Christopher Nolan
Cast:
Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, David Bowie, Scarlett Johansson, Michael Caine, Piper Perabo
Release: October 20, 2006
Synopsis: From the time that they first met as young magicians on the rise, Robert Angier (Jackman) and Alfred Borden (Bale) were competitors. However, their friendly competition evolves into a bitter rivalry making them fierce enemies-for-life and consequently jeopardizing the lives of everyone around them. Full of twists and turns, THE PRESTIGE is set against the backdrop of turn-of-the-century London, the exceptional cast includes two-time Oscar® winner Michael Caine, Scarlett Johansson and David Bowie.

View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)

Prognosis: Sorta Positive. It’s ARMAGEDDON versus DEEP IMPACT all over again, I speak here of the Ed Norton/Paul Giamatti vehicle THE ILLUSIONIST that’s competing for the affections of movie going magis, but it really isn’t a battle between wits, it’s twits. I mean it’s not like this is a mano a mano between Doug Henning and Blackstone but this is something more than just a Deluxe 24 Pack of Tricks to Amaze Friends and Quadriplegics.

This is something more than dueling movies; Christopher Nolan has given us BATMAN RETURNS part 2 without using the masks.

As soon as you look at the opening sequence, Bale asking his proper and pale looking female companion to shoot him with a pistol, you don’t know whether Batman is trying out a new Gregorian vest for late Victorian nights on the town or if this something else entirely. I obviously know it’s the latter but there’s a BATMAN carryover here and it’s unmistakable.

It’s odd that the next scene is Hugh Jackman’s voiceover as a woman gets lowered down into a tank of water, him saying something about showing a trick that no one has ever seen before, but when we see his face, and he’s talking, he’s holding a disappearing birdcage. I guess this audience hasn’t yet been exposed to Tweety and Sylvester; that cat can make that bird disappear into his maw more times than even I can fathom. The moment is choppy.

And then we get Scarlett Johansson, doing her best English accent as she comforts Hugh’s magically delicious ego.

Bale and Jackman, we take it, are pals. They’re the kind of pals, even, that can share each other’s indentured help that, here, takes the form of Michael Caine. To someone who has seen BATMAN and then this it is hard not to see the same kind of cinematography represented. It’s not a bad thing, good thing, or otherwise but it’s curiously satisfying as I can think of a few Joel Schumacher flicks that do the same thing, aesthetically speaking, but to a much worse degree. It’s just an odd sensation to look at something that feels like an extension of another.

Things kick up to eleven when, in a rather confusing muddle of cockney and visual quick cuts, Bale performs a trick that seems to utilize the same kind of special effect-ness that TANGO AND CASH did when they had Robert Z’Dar fall in that unfortunate way into the electric cabling, thus allowing Sylvester Stallone to make a clean getaway. That’s pretty much what happens here.

Jackman seems genuinely blown away by the illusion.

The awe turns, obviously, into obsession and we’re all treated to the triad of a magician’s act. It’s a cheeky way to give us a basic understanding of what makes a good magic trick but there seems to be a lot more brewing beneath the surfaces of Bale and Jackman but the trailer just wants to feel like a glossy ad. I understand the need to have these two main characters trade furtive glances with one another but we’re not treated to something genuine about these men.

No, instead we get Caine voicing over a series of unrelated scenes that realty need to do more than just be an assortment of chocolates in a heart-shaped box. Yes, it’s great to taste these things but, seriously, the last third of this trailer is just a spooge of nonsense. I’m excited to see this movie only because I know what it was about before but the trailer needs to be more focused lest Doug Henning gets the upper hand on this one.

 

Melonpool Quickcast #8: A Tale of Three Cartoonists

Filed under: Melonpool Quickcast — admin @ 12:07 am
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-By Steve Troop

Based on Steve Troop’s classic webcomic of the same name, the Melonpool Quickcast features puppet versions of Troop’s alien cast, who are desperately trying to make heads or tails out of Earth culture.

Mayberry and Scott

Mayberry chats with Eisner Award winners Scott Kurtz (“PVP“, “Truth, Justin, and the American Way“) and Doug TenNapel (“Iron West“, “Earthworm Jim“), as well as Internet staple Stephen Notley (“Bob the Angry Flower“) in another round of interviews at the San Diego Comic-Con. Now, aren’t you sorry that you weren’t there?

Check out the Nightgig Gigcast featuring behind-the-scenes info as well as about the future of these Quickcasts!

Don’t forget to comment on this and other Melonpool Quickcasts over at the official Melonpool Quickcast Forum!

Melonpool Quickcast #8: A Tale of Three Cartoonists:

  • Large (560 x 420 – QuickTime – 20 MB)
  • Small (320 x 240 – QuickTime – 10 MB)

August 9, 2006

Brat-halla #140: God of War

Filed under: Brat-Halla — UncaScroogeMcD @ 8:00 am

by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with (this week) inks by Meth and grayscaling by L. Jámal Walton

A quick intermission while Seth and Jeff finish recovering from their trip to Wizard World Chicago.  Norse Force continues next week.
ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

God of War – Page 1
God of War – Page 2
God of War – Page 3
God of War – Page 4

For extras, visit the Brat-halla Web site!

Check out the preview to the Image comic Jeff writes…

E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | BRAT-HALLA BLOG | BRAT-HALLA FORUM | ARCHIVES

August 8, 2006

Quickcast Interview: Terry Gilliam

Filed under: Interviews — UncaScroogeMcD @ 1:24 am
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quickcast-20060620-gilliam01.jpgIn this multi-part series of podcast interviews with Quick Stop’s Ken Plume, filmmaker Terry Gilliam discusses everything from his days as a Python to digital filmmaking, including his new film, Tideland.

You can find out more about Tideland at the official website, tidelandthemovie.com, and more about Terry at the website Dreams.

A Note On The Audio: Due to a rather poor transatlantic line, audio quality is not the best, but all effort has been made to clean things up as much as possible.

DOWNLOAD PART 1:
mp3 Format (13.4 MBs)
m4a Format (20.5 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 2:
mp3 Format (9.78 MBs)
m4a Format (14.9 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 3:
mp3 Format (13.4 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 4:
mp3 Format (11.6 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 5:
mp3 Format (13.3 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 6:
mp3 Format (8.15 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 7:
mp3 Format (9.24 MBs)

DOWNLOAD PART 8 (Final Installment):
mp3 Format (10.0 MBs)

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Toy Box: The I.W.G. – Sasquatch

Filed under: Toy Box — admin @ 1:15 am

 

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Every year at SDCC I always see something new, something I haven’t noticed before.  This year, it was the I.W.G. – Insurgents Wilderness Gruppo.  This line of nifty activist animals is brought to you by Rocket World, a small independent company run by Patrick Ma.  The basic concept is that aliens, called the Astral Overseers, infect the planet with a retrovirus that makes certain animals self aware.  These sentient animals begin a resistance movement against the poachers and polluters that are ruining their world, often using the very tools of those they battle. 

I picked up Sasquatch at their booth.  He’s the subject of the review tonight, but I also included a shot of the Yeti in my SDCC coverage, and their website has TONS of info and the ability to order product direct. 

If you have any questions or comments, drop me an email at mwc@mwctoys.com, and if you like the reviews, check out my other site, Michael’s Review of the Week.

The I.W.G. – Sasquatch

 As I mentioned, I picked up Sasquatch.  He’s a guy, but he was lucky enough to find a Yeti of the female persuasion, and they’ve since fallen in love.  It was an Internet dating thing.  Amazing how successful that can be.

 

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Packaging – ***
The package is pretty basic, with simple graphics and a clean design.  It’s pretty sturdy, so there’s little chance of damage to the figure, and it’s also quite collector friendly.  There’s a couple twisties, but no need to damage the package just to remove the fuzzy guy.

 

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Sculpting – ***1/2
These are one of those cute designs, and like many other vinyl products, will speak to some people, while others have no idea what the hell it’s about.

These really caught my eye, with a neat design and great style.  They were sort of like those old Applause stuffed animals, with Uzi’s and hand grenades.  Cute but deadly!

The Sasquatch has an interesting design, although he doesn’t stray too far from what you’d expect.  Big feet, big body, with a cool flocking of hair over the majority of the figure.  Only the hands, face and feet are bare vinyl.

 

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Yes, this is a rotocast figure, and yes, one eye is bigger than the other.  But that’s part of his charm! Or at least that’s what the Yeti thinks. He also has a groovy little soul patch, also flocked.

He stands just under 8 inches tall, and is larger than the majority of other animals in the I.W.G., which makes sense. His hands are sculpted to hold the weapons, or to actually hold hands with his main squeeze, the Yeti.

Paint – ***1/2
The paint ops are extremely clean and neat, although they are very basic.  There’s not a lot of detail in the design, but there’s at least three or four unique colors here, and there’s no major slop on any area.

 

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I had some issues with the flocking rubbing off around one shoulder (which I’ll mention in more detail in the Things to Watch Out For section), but the flocking itself is very tight and very even and consistent.  It’s a great touch, and adds quite a bit to the overall appearance of the figure.

Articulation – **
Even though he’s a vinyl figure, he has some articulation, and it’s about as much as the design allows for.

 

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There’s cut shoulders, wrists and ankles.  That’s not a ton, but it’s enough to raise his weapon in a threatening manner, and hold hands with the love of his life.

Accessories – **1/2
He comes with a slightly cartoony chain saw, big enough to make Thomas Hewitt happy.  It fits well in his hands, although the limited articulation means that it can’t be held in both hands at the same time.

Value – **
Like many of the ‘designer’ toys, Sassie is pretty damn expensive.  I coughed up $45 for him at SDCC, but two factors keep it from getting a lower value score.  First, the flocking really is extremely well done. Second, it’s a limited edition of only 500 figures, and at that small of a production run, I’m much less surprised by the price.

 

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Fun Factor – ***
While not really intended as ‘toys’, these are in fact pretty cool for kids.  They’re quite sturdy, and while the flocking would take a beating in regular play, kids that like cute, adorable killing machines will find these right up their alley.

Things to Watch Out For - 
The flocking is pretty cool, but I did have quite a big hunk rub off at the left shoulder joint when I turned the arm.  The movement of the arm tore off a hunk all the way around, so be extremely careful when you are first using the arms. 

 

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Overall – ***
A high price holds these back from an extremely high score, but they are certainly a solid designer toy.  Like most art, you’re either going to think the design is cool, or it’s not going to speak to you at all.  It’s unlikely that there will be much middle ground, but that’s common with all art, and is further proof that figures like these have successful made the jump.

Scoring Recap –
Packaging – ***
Sculpting – ***1/2
Paint – ***1/2
Articulation – **
Accessories – **
Value – **
Fun Factor – ***
Overall – ***

Where to Buy –
The Rocket World website has some of the animals up for sale, along with some suggestions for retailers.

 

 

August 7, 2006

Widge Goes Off #7: The Dozen Dooms of Widgett Walls!

Filed under: Widge Goes Off — widge @ 4:53 am
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widgepic.jpgWelcome back. Where the hell have you been, anyway? Never mind. Here we go.

[CONTENT WARNING] This podcast contains foul language and ideas whose expry date was last June.

DOWNLOAD: mp3 Format (28.2 MBs)

DJ B-Naut does have a MySpace page. People have been bugging me for the link, so here it is. Enjoy.

Here’s the article about Limewire getting sued.

That’s right, kids, that means it’s time for another session of Monday Morning Box Office Quarterbacking. Make sure you follow along at Box Office Mojo.

Talladega Nights does pretty much the business I expected it to, topping even Elf for Ferrell’s best opening weekend ever. I expect it to have decent enough legs and of course, it’s a Will Ferrell flick, so the DVD sales will be formidable.

I was honestly surprised that Barnyard did as well as it did, although it’s a Nickelodeon property, so they were no doubt marketing the shit out of it on that channel. And, you know, throw enough mediocre-looking CG animated films at the wall, something’s got to stick eventually.

Pirates 2 is about to top $700 million worldwide. Incredible.

Miami Vice…well, this has got to be embarrassing. It’s dropped over 60% in its second weekend. Hell, it dropped to #2 and let Pirates 2 have the #1 spot for at least one day this past week. So that $135 million production budget will be looming over them for some time. Don’t expect a sequel.The Descent has gotten surprisingly good critical response for a horror flick. This is the guy who did Dog Soldiers (which Bailey bought me a copy of, he wants me to watch it so bad), so that’s fascinating. We don’t know its budget, but horror flicks are typically not bank busters. And they do well in DVD.

John Tucker I wish I could say I took the days since we last talked to find out more about it, but I’m a lazy bastard. So look it up yourself. All I know is it will shortly be profitable, so they must have done something right.

Monster House is leaving with a respectable take, though it didn’t come close to breaking even. I would imagine the DVD sales will be brisk, though, as you can do a single-disc then a special edition and double dip. And it’s a kids’ film, so they’ll fall for it easily, dragging their parents along with them.

Ant Bully got fried under a magnifying glass and limps to video. I wish I knew the budget on this one.

Dupree readies a video thrust as well, where I’m sure it’ll do well. Especially in rentals. “Hey, it’s got that funny Wilson guy in it? Wait, which one is he again?”

And Night Listener just shows that Robin Williams needs to stick to shitty family friendly movies if he wants to do big box office, sadly. He’ll be following Steve Martin’s footsteps soon enough, I’m sure. His last non-comedy decent opening was Insomnia in 2002. Which was pathetic in its own right. So.

Join us next time for when we’ll see Will Ferrell no doubt keeping the #1 spot, because, really, what’s there to stop him?

Special thanks to Exit Mindbomb for letting me use “Godzilla Will Rule You” from their album Happy Accident for my new WGO music. Check them out on MySpace here and I tried to link up as many songs as I could here.

Widgett Walls is the chief cook and bottle washer for Needcoffee.com. He’s also the author of Mystics on the Road to Vanishing Point and Magnificent Desolation. His personal blog is at OneTusk.com, which he updates when he feels like it. He lives and works in Atlanta, Georgia. He hardly ever sleeps.

Spook’d #89: Little Miss Frankenstein

Filed under: Spook'd — UncaScroogeMcD @ 4:00 am

by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with colors by Anthony Lee

With Wizard World Chicago this past weekend, and with Seth getting sick last week, we decided to just run one of our earlier pre-‘Shoot/pre-QuickStop pages. Consider it a quick intermission… we’ll be back to the Extreme Lair Makeover storyline next week.

Larger sized comic | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

Spook'd #89: Little Miss Frankenstein

To see Spook’d host Alastor’s blogging silliness and more fun Spook’d stuff,visit the Spook’d Web site!

Check out the preview to…

E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | SPOOK’D BLOG | SPOOK’D FORUM | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

Disclaimer: All material in Spook’d is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.

August 4, 2006

Game On! 8-4-2006

Filed under: Game On! — admin @ 6:38 pm

 

 

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Hello dear friends and gamers, and welcome to another week of reviews here at Game On! Before we continue with our normal variety of game reviews, I’d like to point out that this week; we also have a few DVDs reviewed in this column as well. While it’s not my usual forte, I managed to get a hold of a few sets that were recently released and was asked to critique them, and so I have. Not to worry though, there’s games here too”¦as well as DVDs based on games. So, let’s get right down to business. First things first though”¦games based on movies (before vice versa occurs).

IT’S A VERY, VERY, VERY FINE HOUSE

monster.jpgAs with most summer movies, there’s always the video game tie-in, especially if the film is an animated feature ““ it makes more sense for the kids to be able to play through their favorite sequences in the film they just saw. There’s going to be quite a few of these such titles that I’ll be reviewing in the coming weeks, but the first for now is MONSTER HOUSE, out now for PS2, Gamecube, GBA and DS.

As far as movie tie-ins go, this one is pretty standard fare. Take on the role of one of the three main characters in the flick through a series of levels that recreate the story and scenes from the film. In the console version, that means taking control of DJ, Chowder and Jenny at different times, as they get split up at the beginning of the game. As you progress with one character, it unlocks pathways for the rest (though still very linear in its execution). The console version is set up like a typical third person shooter, with an over the shoulder camera view. Here, the characters can lock-on to enemies and blast them with their water pistols, or with a special attack unique to each character (DJ’s camera flash to stun foes, Jenny’s slingshot, or Chowder’s water bombs).

As you progress through levels, you collect the normal variety of knick-knacks and doodads that are rampant throughout most every game based on an animated feature. Here, it’s toy monkeys, which unlock art in the gallery, or tokens for the arcade so you can play “Thou Art Dead”; a CASTLEVANIA clone from the movie that’s actually almost more fun that the main game itself.

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On the handheld side, things are decidedly different. For GBA, we switch to a super-deformed top-down view with a wholly different animation style. Also, you can control all three kids at once, switching with them at will with the left shoulder button. Gameplay also changes a bit, as you travel through the whole of the house together, collecting items and eventually finding your way to the heart of the creature to destroy it.The Ds version is even more drastically different. Here, you choose one of the three kids and enter a room on the map. Each room must be cleared before advancing to the next, then eventually to the next floor of the house. Control is done with either the d-pad or the face buttons, and shooting is done with the touch-screen; holding the stylus in the direction of your foes and keeping it pressed uses your weapons rapid-fire mode, while tapping it uses just a single shot.

While the handheld versions both offer a unique take on the game, with their top down views and unique controls, the console version will offer the best experience for fans of the film who want to recreate the theatrical experience. It’s not a great game by any means, but it’s a well done tie-in at least, that those who watched the film and enjoyed it will enjoy as well.

One Gamer’s Opinion:
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WE ALL HAVE OUR VICES”¦

miamipsp.jpgI have to be honest, when I first saw that there was going to be a game based on the new MIAMI VICE movie, and that it was going to be exclusively for the PSP, I was worried it was going to suck. Usually licenses based on summer blockbusters don’t quite offer the same kind of thrills we see on the screen, and especially if it’s going to be a handheld offering, things are usually dulled down a great deal. However, I was pleasantly surprised with MIAMI VICE: THE GAME once I actually booted it up and started playing.

What is presented before me is actually a rather competent third person shooter, one that would likely be found on any home console. Featuring an over-the-shoulder camera view, not unlike RESIDENT EVIL 4, you take on the guise of either undercover vice agents Crockett or Tubbs as you make your way through various levels of thugs and drug runners. Controls are simple and easy to execute, and the targeting system is easy to navigate. The game features a simplified cover system, where your character can hide behind just about anything in any given room for shielding against the hail of gunfire from every baddy you meet.

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The game’s action is split up by a variety of mini games and side missions as you finish each level. Depending on what goals you complete in the level, you can confiscate drugs to unlock trade with drug dealers (in order to gain a street reputation undercover), or get a FlashRAM to hack that will unlock weapons upgrades or the locations of drug barons. These hacking missions are done a bit weirdly, as you pilot this little triangle around cyber space, letting of an electromagnetic charge to disintegrate these rotating cubes flying around. Every cube you destroy releases a circle of data. Collect all the data circles to complete that hack phase. Get hit by the “enemy fire” of the data cube’s defense systems and you loose a data circle. It sounds all rather complex, but it’s actually a cool little mini game, once you get the hang of it.There are also boat missions to break up the monotony of the straight shooting levels, though these are actually MORE monotonous. Since the weapons auto target, you just drive along and shoot, taking down everything in you path and picking up all the drugs left floating in the water behind the smoking remains of your enemies’ boats.

As you progress through the main levels, you gain a reputation on the streets depending on what weapons you use or how you’re outfitted. While some weapons offer better accuracy and firing rates, they have a lower reputation score than if you just go in with a pistol. Likewise, if you’re wearing body armor, you’ll be protected, but you gain more of a reputation if you go into battle wearing only your paisley suit. It’s a neat little system that pays off big once you try to infiltrate a drug barons’ hideout to make off with their stash.

Still, the game isn’t perfect. The voicework is pretty terrible, as neither of the actors playing the leads even TRIES to sound like Collin Farrell or Jamie Foxx, and much of the voicework of the bad guys is recycled and repeated so often it’s annoying. Also, some of the targeting is off in places”¦where you’ll think you have a good headshot, you’ll end up hitting the guy two or three more times than you should to bring them down. Likewise, the bad guys often use cover like you do, but run stupidly out in the open to get a clean shot off, leaving the vulnerable almost every time. Still, these are fairly minor offenses.

It’s not a great game by any means, but it is certainly better than I even expected it to be. It’s a fun shooter, though it doesn’t really do anything new for the genre. Still, it’s well made for a handheld game of its type, and certainly takes the single analog stick into consideration when playing. I never had to fumble with the camera once”¦which for me, is usually a big issue. There’s even a decent two player co-op mode, though both players will need a copy of the game. It may not make you want to catch the movie, but at least you’ll enjoy playing it while it lasts.

One Gamer’s Opinion:
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OUT OF JUICE

juicedpsp.jpgFor our one non-licensed game this week, we’re taking a look at JUICED: ELIMINATOR for the PSP. In what is little more than a port of last year’s console title with a few minor upgrades, ELIMINATOR continues the series’ foray into all things street racing, and still manages to bring along that odd cell phone bit.

As I said, if you’ve played the console version, not much has changed here. You still can race players, either controlled by the computer or a friend wirelessly, and race for pink slips of the cars. There’re also a few new challenge missions, which help to familiarize you with the PSP’s analog nub controls, as well as hone your skills behind the wheel. There’s also plenty of customization here, though not nearly as much as the former version of the game.

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Still, what is here, while nice, is a bit bland. There still doesn’t quite seem to be the sense of speed one needs, and that was a problem in the console version as well. Also, while the car models are nice, there’s little detail (though that could be attributed to it being the handheld version). Load times are fairly decent though, so that’s not much of an issue as with most racing titles on the PSP. And, as I said, there’s still that factor of choosing which cell phone you want to be contacted on for races. It’s just seems so”¦unnecessary.All in all, though, it’s a fairly competent racer, and that actually seems to be its problem. There’s not much to complain about here, but there’s also not a whole lot to like. As a whole, the game is just pretty average, and while that’s not really bad per se, it certainly doesn’t spark any real interest either.

One Gamer’s Opinion:
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DVD REVIEW: STREET FIGHTER II: THE ANIMATED MOVIE ““ UNCUT, UNCENSORED, UNLEASHED

sf2mboxart.jpgFor our first DVD review this week, we’re taking a quick look at the re-release of the STREET FIGHTER II animated movie. Released back in the game’s heyday, the film was cut a bit when it reached the US shores (as happens with much of the dubbed anime we receive). Now for the first time in the US we get the overseas cuts of the film featuring more fighting, longer more violent sequences, and, of course, Chun Li in the shower. Yes, this was actually what was listed on the press release for the DVD.

Containing two different dubs of the film, this new DVD features the original Japanese language cut of the film, as well as the UK cut, featuring soundtrack by the industrial band KMFDM (a quite different sound than the Seattle Grunge laden US soundtrack). Both versions are practically identical, and include all (or near as I could tell) of the deleted scenes missing from the originally released US version.

These include a prolonged fight between Sagat and Ryu in the film’s opening, a brief shot of Akuma in the background of one fight, the extended final battle with Bison, and the aforementioned shower scene with Chun Li, which extends into a rather brutal battle with Vega. For STREET FIGHTER fans, this movie has some fantastic fights, and is only strengthened by the fact that they are now available uncut.

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Still, the makers of the movie took some liberties with the character’s backgrounds. When watching this film versus the STREET FIGHTER ALPHA films (which, according to Capcom, the ALPHA series takes place BEFORE the regular SF games) each film contradicts the next, with Ken and Ryu knowing each other at different times and encountering and re-encountering the same characters as if they’ve just met for the first time. Still, as a stand-alone film, it does quite well.

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Lord knows this flick is tons better than the live action garbage they produced with Jean Claude Van Damme. It’s about as close as we’ll ever get to the truest form of a video game movie, and sadly, it’s only just animated. Still, beggars can’t be choosers, and we’ll gladly take what we can get, so long as they all match the quality as this one.

DVD REVIEW: BLOODRAYNE DIRECTOR’S CUT

bloodrayneboxart.jpgSadly, that usually isn’t the case with films based on video games, and one of the worst cases of a director just not getting it is Uwe Boll, scourge of the cinematic game fan. Dr. Boll usually fills his films (if you can call them that) with over excessive amounts of violence and sex, seemingly giving no regard to script of substance, thinking that these things are “cool” so gamers should like them automatically.

I’m serious. I actually heard him say that in an interview once. He was wondering why gamers don’t like his films and remarked “I put all these cool things in there, like fighting, blood and boobs. What more do they want?” Oh, I don’t know”¦maybe an adherence to the characters and storylines of the games, perhaps some decent filmmaking and scripts?

That said, BLOODRAYNE is Dr. Boll’s least sucky film to date. That isn’t to say it isn’t total shit, which it is, but it’s less shitty than HOUSE OF THE DEAD and ALONE IN THE DARK. Featuring the strangest casting for any of his films (Ben Kingsly’s mortgage must be murder) you begin to wonder who owed who a poker debt. Kristanna Loken is horrible miscast in the title role of Rayne ““ she looks the part at least but sadly cannot act it. Her screams as she experiences her first vampiric kills are mild wails at best. Similarly, Michael Madsen looks at though he’s phoning in his role”¦and this is Michael Madsen we’re talking about. Don’t even get me started on whatever the fuck Meat Loaf is doing”¦

Still, for once, the script can’t be blamed. Written by Guinevere Turner (GO FISH and AMERICAN PSYCHO”¦and the name basis for Joey Lauren Adams’ character in MALLRATS) it actually follows the character’s back-story rather well. Birthed by the unholy union between a vampire a human, Rayne is a cross breed who spends her life taking out the vampires and heading to kill the head bloodsucker”¦who also happens to be her daddy. Sadly, the casts’ horrendous acting keeps you from enjoying the story, or any of the fight scenes.

The problem with Uwe’s direction is that”¦well, he really doesn’t have any. He just sits the camera there, throws some blood on someone and calls cut. It’s not for trying, though. Michelle Rodriguez, securing her role as the go-to video game chick (RESIDENT EVIL, this, and a voiceover in the game HALO 2) actually is putting forth some effort and isn’t bad”¦for Michelle Rodriguez. Likewise, most of the actors are doing well with what little they’re given, though Uwe doesn’t really allow them to play much (which is probably why Michael Madsen”¦no, wait. Nevermind. He’s always like that).

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The fault of this film’s demise lies pretty much on its star, sadly. Had she been given better direction (or, maybe been someone else) she could have done better with the role. As it stands, she just wades through the shots, grimacing so subtly you wonder what the fuss is all about, like Rayne has a splinter and is only slightly miffed about it, then goes and breaks a guys’ neck. Her screams wouldn’t elicit a chill in a frozen popsicle, and they seem almost laughable here as she pathetically emotes some pain that we’re not even sure she’s experiencing. It worked fine for her as the TERMINATRIX in T3, but sadly just falls short here. At least she looks good in the costume.

Still, if Uwe Boll had actually paid attention to the game, he would have seen that she was a poor choice. Also, he probably wouldn’t have shot the fight sequences so poorly”¦though maybe that has to do with his direction. His actors barely seem trained for sword fighting, and Rayne with her special arm blades uses them with slow effect, making everything look like a paltry dress rehearsal. Even those who manage a flourish seem like they’re being careful to NOT hit their opponent.

Alas, we have a few more offerings from Uwe, as his IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE is due out soon, as well as his upcoming film based on the PC shooter POSTAL. Thank Hideo he doesn’t have the rights to METAL GEAR SOLID though”¦the street would run red with his blood. Much like the “director’s cut” of this film, which remains EXACTLY the same as the theatrical version, but with a carnage montage at the end. Oooh, well done, Doctor.

DVD REVIEW: THE INCREDIBLE HULK: SEASON ONE

hulkboxart.jpgSome of you may know that I’m a big comic book geek, so it should come as no surprise to you that I’m reviewing this DVD set. Sure, it really has no place in a video game column, but that’s neither here nor there. They sent it to me, I feel obligated to review it. As the longest running series based on a comic book, THE INCREDIBLE HULK is a triumph in the science fiction/superhero genre, mainly due to the fact that it doesn’t really adhere to the source material, but rather tackles the human side of the character in a way that has barely been seen before or since, with a few exceptions (SMALLVILLE being the most recent).

Tackling what makes the Hulk a unique character, writer/producer Kenneth Johnson (“The Six Million Dollar Man”, “V”, “The Bionic Woman”) brought us pathos and a great character study in the guise of a science fiction TV show. Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner provided the human side of the Jekyll and Hyde story, with Lou Ferigno as the green beast alter ego. Both capturing the truest essence of the characters not yet seen again in any other iterations of the comic on screens big or small.

The DVD set includes the two hour TV movie “The Incredible Hulk” that introduces the characters, the two hour pilot episode proper “A Death in the Family”, the 10 episodes from season one, and a sneak preview episode from season two, “Stop The Presses”, as well as audio commentary on the intro movie by Johnson.

This commentary is a fascinating listen as Johnson, a true television legend, recounts just about every aspect of the shoot as though he shot the thing the day before he recorded the commentary. In actuality, the commentary was recorded for the single disc DVD of the “Incredible Hulk” movie, with the two part episode “Married” on the b-side, released just before the big screen Ang Lee HULK film in 2003 (which Johnson makes numerous reference to as “upcoming”). Still, even though it’s recycled, it’s chock full of good info on the show, such as why he changed the name of the character from Bruce to David (not because the studio though the name sounded “gay” as the rumor goes, but rather than Johnson hated the alliteration of “Bruce Banner”). He also reveals that actor Richard Kiel (“Jaws” from the James Bond films) was originally cast as the Hulk, and even points out the one shot that remains of the footage that was shot with him that was used in the episode. Johnson is such a pool of knowledge that I would have liked his commentary on every episode, but sadly that just isn’t that case.

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What made this series work, and what makes it still hold up today, is that it truly is a character study. What happens to a man who can’t control his own anger when he must try to control the anger of others, or help others who are hurt by anger and misdeeds? It’s a wandering soul story of a man searching for his own deliverance as he aids other on similar paths, never finding his own salvation.The transfer of these episodes hold up fairly well here, and the colors don’t look saturated as can be the case with most old shows. Hopefully, the next four seasons will look just as god, and feature a bit more extras than just one audio commentary, and an episode from the series following season.

And with that, we bring our crazy column to a close, dear friends. Tune in ext week with”¦well, actually more of the same as I review more games based on movies (ANT BULLY, BARNYARD) and a movie about games”¦or rather Gamers in a film called”¦well, GAMERS. Until then”¦

Melonpool Quickcast #7: The Search for Routh

Filed under: Melonpool Quickcast — admin @ 6:32 pm
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-By Steve Troop

Based on Steve Troop’s classic webcomic of the same name, the Melonpool Quickcast features puppet versions of Troop’s alien cast, who are desperately trying to make heads or tails out of Earth culture.

Ralph and Mayberry reflect on San Diego Comic-Con and Ralph’s quest to meet the star of “Superman Returns.”

Don’t forget to comment on this and other Melonpool quickcasts over at the official Melonpool Quickcast Forum!

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Melonpool Quickcast #7: The Search For Routh:

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Weekend Shopping Guide 8/4/06: Out From Boneville

Filed under: Shopping Guides — UncaScroogeMcD @ 4:43 am

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The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the Quick Stop Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

Comic-Con is now a thing of the past, and my attention begins to turn towards the 5th annual Gonzo FilmFest at this year’s DragonCon at Atlanta, that I’ll be assembling and hosting in conjunction with Needcoffee.com. Trust me – you won’t want to miss it this year, starting Saturday evening on September 2nd (I’ll also be moderating the Adult Swim and Monkey Talk panels, plus a few surprises). Be there.

I’ve never really been a huge video game fan. Sure, I owned the obligatory Nintendo and even Super Nintendo “back in the day,” but I generally only played games that were pretty straightforward and could be jumped into and out of quite easily (Super Mario Brothers, Zelda. Donkey Kong, etc.). As soon as my family got our first PC (and we’re talking late 80’s, here), however, I was instantly taken with the games being produced by Sierra Online – epic adventures like King’s Quest, Space Quest, Heroes Quest (aka Quest for Glory) and even Lesirue Suit Larry. Really, they were like electronic, interactive storybooks, as the tale being told and the characters themselves were just as engrossing as solving the next puzzle or finding the parts to a hyperdrive engine. That kind of puzzle-based, interactive storytelling has largely fallen by the wayside, replaced by massive RPGs or first-person shooters (often with an online tournament angle). Well, just when I was despairing I’d ever see a fun little story-based adventure come down the pike, the folks at Telltale Games (www.telltalegames.com) have been adapting Jeff Smith’s sprawling Bone saga in point-and-click chapter form, with each arc of his longform story equaling it’s own installment, downloadable over the internet for $12.99 each or you can purchase a CD and download for only $17.99. So far, the first two chapters are available (“Out From Boneville” and “The Great Cow Race”), with more on the way. The design work is truly stunning, but best of all – they’re fun… and at the end of each game, you’re definitely eagerly awaiting the next outing.

If you’re not familiar with Jeff Smith’s Bone saga and the adventures of the three Bone cousins (Fone Bone, Phoney Bone, and Smiley Bone) in the heart of the mysterious Valley), I heartily recommend you pick up the colorized editions (the original comics were printed in black & white) that are being released by Scholastic publishing’s graphic novel line, Graphix. Although softcover editions of the first four arcs – “Out From Boneville,” “The Great Cow Race,” “Eyes of the Storm,” and “The Dragonslayer” are available ($ SRP each), I suggest you snag the beautiful hardcover editions instead ($18.99 SRP), as this is definitely a series you’ll want to put in a place of honor on your shelf (and it makes the perfect gift for any children in your life – in fact, my nephew already has a set on the way).

With each new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I harbor the fear that the delicate balancing act that Larry David’s been able to pull off will come undone, toppling like a house of cards and leaving a bad aftertaste of brilliant comedy gone south. Thankfully, things are still working as they should in the fifth season (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP), as his father’s stroke leads to the revelation that Larry may have been adopted – and not Jewish – a crisis of friendship develops when an ailing Richard Lewis needs a kidney, a smoking jacket is stolen from a famous raconteur, a Christ nail causes family strife, and much more. The 2-disc set also features a pair of documentaries chronicling the development, casting, and execution of the show.

Much like Adaptation before it, Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story (HBO, Rated R, DVD-$27.98 SRP) is a film about the attempt to film a book long seen as unfilmmable – in this case, Laurence Sterne’s The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman. Starring Steve Coogan as Shandy, the flick flashes back and forth between Shandy’s 18th century life and the filmmakers 21st century attempt to crack the key to filming it, it’s an amazingly satisfying, and funny, piece of work. Bonus features include an audio commentary with Coogan and Rob Brydon, behind-the-scenes footage, an extended interview with Coogan, deleted scenes, and the theatrical trailer.

As much as Lost tries to maintain an off-kilter sense of “What’s going on?” and “Where’s it all going?” and “What’s reality?”, nothing they’ve done holds a candle to the brilliant mind f*** (to use the proper term, natch) that was The Prisoner (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$139.95 SRP). Retirement is not an option for Patrick McGoohan’s top secret agent, as he’s abducted from his London home and placed in a mysterious area known only as The Village, where everyone is known by a number and they all have important secrets locked in their noggin. The newly christened prisoner Number 6 tries not only to retain his humanity in the 17-episode run, but also find a way to free himself. The newly remastered 10-disc set features rare behind-the-scenes footage, an alternate version of the episode “The Chimes of Big Ben”, original broadcast trailers, a new limited edition collector’s booklet, and more. Get it. Now.

As self-deprecating as his narration is, I think Jeffrey Ross’s Patriot Act (Hart Sharp, Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP) is one of the most fascinating films I’ve seen this year. Essentially a home movie of his very first USO trip ever, deep into the heart of Iraq shortly after the invasion to entertain the already beleaguered troops, it’s refreshingly candid and largely apolitical, presenting the view with a document of the reality on the ground. Ross was spurred on by the legacy of Bob Hope’s tireless trips overseas for the sake of the troops’ morale, and it’s that respect for just how important an ounce of entertainment is to soldiers on the frontline that shines through. Honestly, this is highly recommended. Bonus features include a director’s statement, additional scenes, additional footage from another USO tour, additional aerials of Iraq, and a featurette on the 5-hour Amsterdam layover.

Words can not express just how much I’ve come to love Warner’s “Signature” collections, the latest being their 4-flick set spotlighting the legendary Bogie & Bacall (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP). The films in question are To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Dark Passage, and Key Largo. All 4 are definite must-haves, bolstered by a bonus materials including making-of featurettes, vintage cartoons, and more (the prerelease version of The Big Sleep is fascinating).

The writing was certainly on the wall during the seventh season of Three’s Company (Anchor Bay, Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP) that the show was winding down. Jack (John Ritter) opened his restaurant, Terri (Priscilla Barnes) flirts with marriage, and Janet (Joyce DeWitt) has a run-in with Mr. Furley’s (Don Knotts) young nephew. The 4-disc set features all 22 episodes, plus a very nice (and much appreciated) little tribute to Knotts.

With a 2-year-old nephew – and as an uncle not wanting him to fall under the evil sway of the modern crop of “children’s entertainment” – I’m always on the lookout for classic books, DVDs, and toys to get him. When I found out that the classic “Little Golden Books” were being re-released with accompanying audio CDs in addition to the original books (Golden Books, $7.99 SRP), I knew little Cameron had to have them. How could I resist making sure he got to experience Tawny Scrawny Lion, Scuffy The Tugboat, The Poky Little Puppy, and The Saggy Baggy Elephant?

It’s very rare that I actually find the time to make it into a movie theater to see a flick on the big screen, so it’s always a big disappointment when the wheel of fortune delivers those infrequent visits a turkey of a pic, but a sheer delight when it’s actually a great film. For all its flaws in pacing and the changes it made to Alan Moore’s source material, I truly dug seeing V for Vendetta (Warner Bros., Rated R, DVD-$34.98 SRP) on the big screen (LA’s Arclight, to be exact). Sure, it’s a rather blatant, unsubtle criticism of the times we find ourselves in, but it’s that decided lack of subtlety that made it such a rollicking criticism of the powers that be. Every once in awhile, blatant works – and it certainly did here. The 2-disc set contains a making-of documentary, behind-the-scenes featurettes, and the theatrical trailer.

Not content to let everyone else jump into the graphic novel pool, Disney Press has taken the plunge as well, inaugurating their line with adaptations of Lilo & Stitch and Finding Nemo (Disney Press, $3.99 SRP each). These Disney Junior Graphic Novels are pretty faithful to the films, and the art is of the same polished style you’ll find in the average issue of Disney Adventures. Fun for the kiddies, and a great gift.

I’m not sire if we really needed a knock-off of both Resident Evil and Underworld, but that’s certainly what Ultraviolet (Sony, Not Rated, DVD-$28.95 SRP) feels like. It even has Milla Jovovich as the woman caught in the futuristic civil war between the government and the disease-riddled subculture that’s been bred for strength, speed, and endurance (yes, you did just get the whole zombie vibe). It’s pretty eye candy, though, and a largely inoffensive way to spend a Saturday night’s DVD spin. The unrated edition contains additional footage, plus commentary from Jovovich and a making-of featurette.

Most will dismiss it as light pop, but I always enjoyed my Bruce Hornsby and the range CD, purchased many years ago and always a great disc to work to (I could listen to “The Way It Is” on repeat for hours… and, sadly, have). Having only ever listened to that disc, 90% of the material found on the new 5-disc Bruce Hornsby: Intersections 1985-2005 (Sony Legacy, $49.98 SRP) was new to me, and I liked what I heard. Packed with album tracks, film music, and even a bonus DVD, it’s already in my listening rotation.

The stars just keep on dying in the complete fourth season of Tales From The Crypt (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP), with gore turns from Brad Pitt, Cathy Moriarty, Treat Williams, Timothy Dalton, Robert Patrick, David Warner, Twiggy, Christopher reeve, Margot Kidder, Meat Loaf, Blythe Danner, David Morse, and more. The 3-disc set features all 14 episodes, plus audio commentary on “What’s Cookin'” and a guest star montage.

I tried and tried, but I never could get into HBO’s Carnivale. I admired the epic story of the literal struggle between good and evil they were trying to pull off, but it never clicked for me. There are fans out there, though, who will want to pick up the complete second (and, so far, final) season set (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP), featuring all 12 episodes plus audio commentaries, a Museum of Television & Radio panel, a “Creating the Scene” featurette, And a half-hour documentary explaining the show’s mythology (if they’d actually aired this, I might have actually clicked with it).

One night, little Sophie is snatched from her bed by a giant – coincidentally, the titular BFG (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$19.95 SRP) of Roald Dahl’s children’s tale, as Sophie and the big friendly giant must stop the nefarious, kid-devouring plans of the evil giants Bloodbottler, Fleshlumpeater, and Bonecruncher before the nasty lot make it to England and the feast begins. A classic little Dahl tale, brought to animated life by the folks at Cosgrove Hall.

If you want to bring a decided hipster vibe to your iPod (or your next party), then pick up the newest releases from Sony Legacy’s “Signature Series”, featuring best-of collections spotlighting old school songsmiths like Count Basie, Sarah Vaughn, Dizzy Gillespie, Rosemary Clooney, and Billie Holiday (Sony Legacy, $11.98 SRP each). Come on-a my house, indeed.

While I’ve always enjoyed the “New Rules” segment on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, I would have preferred complete episodes of the show as opposed to the concentrated dose of those segments collected on the Bill Maher: New Rules disc (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP). It’s best to take its 45-minute run time in small chunks, and hope they’ll eventually release complete seasons.

Has it really been 10 years since Blue’s Clues first hit the air? It must be, since Nick Jr. has released a 10th anniversary DVD, Blue’s Biggest Stories (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$16.99 SRP), and CD, Blue’s Biggest Hits (Nick Records, $12.98 SRP). Whatever happened to Steve, anyway?

It seemed that it took forever and a day for Beavis & Butthead to finally hit DVD, but now, with the release of the 3rd Mike Judge Collection (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP) of episodes, they seem to be coming fast and furious. Fans will rejoice at the inclusion of another 42 cartoons, the original uncut Frog Baseball, 16 music videos with commentary, the 3rd part of the “Taint of Greatness” documentary, promos, special appearances, and much more.

The newest Star Trek: Fan Collective collection this time features 11 episodes dealing with those belles of the ball, the Klingons (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP), with 2 original series episodes (“Errand of Mercy”, “The Trouble With Tribbles”), 4 TNG episodes (“A Matter of Honor”, “Sins of the Father”, “Redemption” Parts 1 & 2), 3 DS9 episodes (including the brilliant “Trials and Tribble-ations”, plus “The way of the Warrior” and “The Sword of Khaless”), a single Voyager episode (“Barge of the Dead”), and the abysmal pilot to Enterprise (“Broken Bow”). Bonus materials include 3 new text commentaries from the Okudas, as well as an audio commentary on “Broken Bow” from Berman and Braga.

While not Hammer horrors, the 3 films being released under the “Amicus Collection” banner are very much in the same vein as those early 70’s fright and gore fests, including starring Hammer regular Peter Cushing. The Beast Must Die, Asylum, and And Now The Screaming Starts (MPI, Not Rated, DVD-$14.98 SRP) are definitely not the best of the genre, but they are great rainy day flicks that any horror fan should at least check out.

Nothing sums up that loveable early-80’s bombast more than the albums of Journey, which is why the secret guilty pleasure part of my brain was delighted by the new remasters (with bonus tracks!) of their albums Escape, Departure, Evolution, Infinity, plus their Greatest Hits (Sony Legacy, $11.98 SRP each). Now I can’t get “Any Way You Want It” out of my head. Bastards!

Peta Wilson returns in the complete fourth season of La Femme Nikita (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP), as Nikita’s marriage makes for some interesting revelations, while the series’ agenda comes to the fore. The 6-disc set features all 22 episodes, plus commentary on 2 episodes, deleted scenes with optional commentary, and a gag reel.

Completely unnecessary and ultimately innocuous fluff that could just as easily been a direct-to-video, Disney’s remake of the Shaggy Dog (Walt Disney, Rated PG, DVD-$29.99 SRP) stars Tim Allen as the transformed human in what amounts to a cross between the Shaggy original, its sequel The Shaggy DA, and the “learning to be a good dad” arc of The Santa Clause. The disc features an audio commentary, deleted scenes, and a gag reel.

Even though I consider myself a bit of a minor WWII buff, my knowledge of the events in the Pacific theater have been dwarfed by those of the European front, so I was often surprised by the knowledge gleaned from the History Channel’s D-Days in the Pacific: The Path To Victory From Guadalcanal To Okinawa (History Channel, Not Rated, DVD-$29.95 SRP). The 3-disc set features four documentaries and the A&E Biographies of Gen. MacArthur and Admiral Nimitz.

The Ewing family is rocked as patriarch Jock Ewing is killed in a helicopter crash, but the billion-dollar bickering soon begins as each member of the family maneuvers in true Ewing fashion to secure their piece of the action, while J.R. and Sue Ellen divorce – plus murder, kidnapping , and more – in the fifth season of Dallas (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP). The 5-disc set also features a look at the real Southfork Ranch.

I wasn’t terribly impressed with the trailer for the new Daniel Clowes flick, Art School Confidential, even though I got a real kick out of his original strips detailing the odd little universe that exists within the walls of your average art school. You can pick up those original strips along with Clowes’ screenplay (Fantagraphics, $14.95 SRP) and see for yourself.

Not being a religious person, I admit that the internal struggles facing the potential priests in the 5-part series God or the Girl (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$24.95 SRP) were a bit lost on me, as the potential padres faced a life with either women or God. To each his own, I suppose. The 2-disc set also features deleted scenes, a mini-episode, and more.

Decoding the Past: Secrets of the Koran (History Channel, Not Rated, DVD-$24.95 SRP) is one of those documentaries that take on a fresh relevance thanks to current events, and its in-depth look at the writing, development, and influence of the Muslim faith’s most important text is a necessary bit of information in understanding the current world we find ourselves in. The disc also features the “Muhammad” episode of A&E’s Biography.

There’s nothing like cheap, lowbrow comedy, and that’s certainly the stock in trade of Blue Collar TV (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP), the second season collection of which features all 13 episodes plus unaired sketches and a deleted “Booth” skits reel.

So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

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