Category: TV Or Not TV

Hello TV viewer. Welcome to another week of “Thank goodness there’s cable!”

I mentioned this week’s must watch shows in last week’s column. Showtime has decided that the perfect way to spend our Monday nights is with some good old fashioned sex and drugs (well, drugs and sex if you look at the order of airing). Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl both premiere on Monday. The former I’ve been looking forward to and I’m hoping the latter is good since Showtime has decided to put them back-to-back.

Some of you reading this may also be shell shocked after last Friday’s episode of Battlestar Galactica and I’m right there with you. The episode titled “Revelations’ was filled with just that. The humans finally found out who the four of the Final Five Cylons were that were living among them, a tense hostage situation ended with a peaceful resolution, and the fleet finally found what appeared to be Earth (although not at all what they, or we, expected).

I admit that I’ve written very little about this season of Galactica because I didn’t really understand sometimes where the show was going. After last week’s episode I see that step-by-step we were being brought to the final moments of this episode which, in line with the entire tone of the show, was both dark and dismal after setting us up with a brief glimpse of joy and celebration. Unlike those aboard the ship I knew that what I was seeing couldn’t end well, and even though I knew it what I saw wasn’t any less jarring.

Another stand out moment of the episode is the rapid decent of Olmos’ Adama after the revelation that Saul Tigh was in fact a Cylon. He went into every bit of destructive behavior we’ve seen from every other character as the foundation of his world seemed to crumble beneath him. Even more compelling to me is that, after the fact, Saul Tigh still stood his ground as a man rather than machine and was willing to give up everything for Galactica and humanity (nicely echoing his sentiment from last season’s finale).

The only let down of the entire episode was that it ended and we have to wait until 2009 to see the final season of this amazing show (although there is potentially another TV movie that will be aired prior to the end of this year). Between waiting for this and LOST the next year is going to seem pretty darn long.

Now it’s time to look at the mere table scraps that television is offering us from it’s buffet of choices.

MONDAY

SCIFI ““ 9:00 PM & 10:00PM: Two of the three episode of Star Trek:The Next Generation are again examples of why this was one of the greater shows on television. Yesterday’s Enterprise gives us a glimpse of a completely different world when the Enterprise 1701-C comes through a time rift prior to making its historical sacrifice. Sarek brings us Spock’s dad during a mental decline, and also brings us some fine acting from Patrick Stewart during the scene where he becomes the vessel for Sarek’s emotions. Yes, I’m a nerd and I’m going to keep this up.

HBO – 9:00 PM: Greg Whitley’s documentary Resolved takes a look at the competitive world of high school debates.

A&E – 10:00 PM: Children who have been haunted are put together to share their stories and fears in Psychic Kids:Children of the Paranormal.

SHO ““ 10:00 PM: As mentioned above, it’s Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

TUESDAY

AMC – 8:00 PM: Another night of back-to-back showings that are wonderfully nostalgic. Enjoy what comedy used to be at 8 with Animal House and then bask in the late 60’s camp of Planet of the Apes. If these aren’t to your liking maybe instead you might like”¦

CMTV – 8:00 PM: Watch the one that started it all, National Lampoon’s Vacation, and by the end you should be whistling Zippity Doo Da from your”¦ well, watch and you’ll see.

FX ““ 10:00 PM: Tonight on 30 Days an avid hunter works with PETA. Too bad they couldn’t get Ted Nugent.

WEDNESDAY

truTV – 8:00 PM: The producers of Ice Road Truckers and Deadliest Catch try to infuse us with more testosterone with a show following West Texas Oil Rig workers in Black Gold.

HIST ““ 9:00 PM: On MonsterQuest tonight they are looking for a Bigfoot like nest making creature named The Ohio Grassman. Sounds more like a character you’d find on Weeds to me.

TBS ““ 10:00 PM: New episodes tonight of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. I’ve never watched it, but at least it is new.

THURSDAY

ANIMAL PLANET – 8:00 PM: The late Timothy Treadwell‘s footage is cut together to present us the Alaskan bears as seen through his eyes in The Grizzly Diaries. Knowing what happened to Treadwell makes this a bitter sweet watch. Just don’t follow it up with Grizzly Man.

SCIFI ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight you can compare and contrast by taking in the Ang Lee directed The Hulk. It’s like night and day when compared to the current big screen version but I have to admit that I kinda like it.

SHO – 10:00 PM: Penn & Teller are back with their Showtime original series Bulls—! Tonight the angry and mute magician’s take on feminists. This can’t end well.

FRIDAY

FOX- 8:00 PM: Want to compare and contrast again? If you took in the original Planet of the Apes than you can now watch the Tim Burton remake starring Mark Wahlberg that has the most perplexing ending to come along in quite a while. Save yourself the time and tune in for the last ten minutes and still try to reason it out. Won’t work.

TNT – 8:00 PM: Lousy remake night continues with the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard.

SATURDAY

ABC – 8:00 PM: I don’t know what a Jonas Brother is but you can watch the Disney Channel original picture Camp Rock without having the Disney Channel. If you have a kid that is in to Hannah Montana this is probably a solid bet.

Oxygen – 8:00 PM: I was pleasantly surprised by the film About a Boy. This may very well be the first time I’m tempted to watch anything on the Oxygen channel.

BRAVO – 8:00 PM: Witness the most shocking first day on the job ever in Training Day.

SUNDAY

A&E – 10:00 PM: Tonight is the return of the reality show The Two Coreys. Haim is determined to mend both his career and friendship with Feldman back on track. I can’t wait to see them go to couples therapy.

SPIKE ““ 10:00 PM: It’s a celebration of sports, sweat and testosterone with the Guys Choice Awards. Find out what guys think is better: F’ing Matt Damon or F’ing Ben Affleck. No really, this was one of the choices!

– Will Wilkins‘ love of Star Trek got him banned form voting in the Guys Choice Awards.

Another abysmal week (or should I say weak) is upon us as the summer doldrums kick in. The good news is we only have one more week to endure before the premiere of Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

When it comes to Weeds I have to admit that I never gave this show a fair shot in the beginning. I had burned several times before with series that were run on Showtime (Odyssey 5 and Jeremiah to name a few) and I viewed Weeds as the network just trying to be HBO. I now know that I was completely wrong and this quirky little 22 minute show had a ton of potential and exceeded my expectations over the first three seasons.

If you were witness to the end of the third season than you know that Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker) is on the run with her family in tow as the DEA came looking for her after a rented grow house was found as the suburb she was dealing to is engulfed in a wild fire. All of her friends that were involved in the growing operation were either high tailing it out of there or are probably on the radar of the DEA as well. So where will find ourselves in the beginning of Season 4, and how will this show evolve? I’ve very excited to see the answers to those questions.

That being said it is time to look into that dark, dank hole I like to call this week’s television offerings.

MONDAY

CBS – 8:00 PM: Viacom is re-treading their TBS original The Bill Engvall show for prime time. So, CBS, you think the show is ready for prime time? Here’s your sign.

SCI-FI – 8:00 PM & 10:00 PM: Normally I wouldn’t retread Star Trek: The Next Generation, however tonight they are showing two of the more interesting episodes that happened in the early stages of the series. In The Measure of a Man Picard has to prove that Data is a sentient being and not just a cyborg. In Q-Who? we get our first glimpse at one of the big bads of the run of the series: The Borg.

HBO – 9:00 PM: In Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired filmmaker Marina Zenovich takes a loot at all the other bad things that happened in the statutory rape case of the critically acclaimed (and since publicly despised) director.

SHO – 9:00 PM: Showtime is airing the best of Season 3 of Weeds to get us ready for next week’s premier. Watch to either get refreshed or to get a feel for this awesome show before next week’s season premiere.

TUESDAY

TMC – 8:00 PM: Because of my fondness for the original serial novelization I enjoy The Green Mile every time it is on. The acting by Michael Clarke Duncan as the simpleton John Coffey was just outstanding and the film was directed by Frank Darabont who also brought us the incredible The Shawshank Redemption. Tom Hanks also turns in a great performance, truly making me believe he has a bladder infection.

FOX – 8:00 PM: More people trade friends and loved ones for the hopes of big money on The Moment of Truth.

ABC – 9:30 PM: We’re treated again this week to another almost prime time 30 minute edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

WEDNESDAY

ABC – 8:00 PM: Tonight on Wife Swipe the strict mom treats their kids like they are in boot camp, the flaky mom performs as a clown.

NBC – 9:00 PM: After seeing the line up of Celebrity Circus I think that one part of the name is a bit of a stretch. This show features a very VH-1 reality show line up with Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, Christopher “Bobby Brady” Knight, Olympian Janet Evans, Jason “Wee Man” Acuna, and former supermodel Rachel Hunter. My money is on Wee Man.

HIST – 9:00 PM: Tonight paranormal investigators try to find spooks in the Lizzy Borden house. Should be a real cut up. (I can’t believe I just typed that.)

THURSDAY

FX – 8:00 PM: If you look at it on paper Anger Management should have been really funny. Adam Sandler going head-to-head with Jack Nicholson. The execution, however, wasn’t as good as it read.

USA – 8:30 PM: Take in the original before it’s magic was marred by the recent sequel with tonights airing of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

BRAVO – 9:00 PM: It’s the return of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. This is one of the few reality shows that gives the genre a good name.

TBS – 9:30 PM: If you watched last season of My Boys then tonight you get to find out which of the guys on the show P.J. took to Rome. If you didn’t watch last season, um… here’s something new to watch!

ABC – 9:30 PM: Liv Tyler appears on tonights post-NBA almost prime time 30 minute edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

FRIDAY

A&E – 2:00 PM: If you didn’t watch The Andromeda Strain when it premiered (and you don’t want to buy the DVD) you can now watch both parts in one long sitting.

BRAVO – 8:00 PM: Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop 2 back-to-back. See Brigette Neilsen before she looked like my grandfather, Judge Reinhold before he was regulated to the Disney Santa Clause movies and, of course, Eddie Murphy before he required prosthetic makeup to star in a movie.

TVLAND – 8:00 PM: They just don’t make comedies like Blazing Saddles any more. This film is from a time where political correctness didn’t exist, but it’s OK as it mocks the very stereotypes it represents. I know I’ve pointed out when this was on before but last time it wasn’t immediately followed by…

TVLAND – 10:00 PM: Young Frankenstein was the first Mel Brooks film that I ever saw. I know that at the very young age I saw it the sexual comedy wasn’t apparent, but I’ll forever remember that it’s not Frankenstein, it’s (phonetically) Frahnkenshteen.

SATURDAY

COMEDY CENTRAL – 3:00 PM: Mike Myers tries desperately to some how get us interested in The Love Guru by hosting the breaks in today’s showing of Wayne’s World. Like Eddie Murphy this was when Mike Myers only needed the fake wig to get laughs.

ABC – 8:00 PM: More Saturday Night movie enjoyment comes our way with the airing of Monsters, Inc. I’ve never been happier with the Disney/PIXAR merger than having these great movies on ABC for everyone to enjoy.

FX – 8:00 PM: The Transporter and The Transporter 2 are back-to-back to put us into Jason Statham overload.

CBS – 9:00 PM: Guys, if you want to try to get on that special new ladies good side invite her over for a nice home cooked dinner and put on The Notebook. I can’t give you advice on how to sit through it, but this one will help you score points in the “sensitive” department.

HBO – 10:00 PM: The other half of the Wayne’s World duo brings us his first stand-up special since 1995 with Dana Carvey: Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies.

SUNDAY

CBS – 8:00 PM: The 62nd Annual Tony Awards is on tonight, and hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. If you have no interest in this however than you might prefer…

HIST – 8:00 PM: Two solid hours of Ice Road Truckers.

NBC – 9:00 PM: The desperation train continues chugging down the tracks when Mike Myers actually hosts SNL: The Best of Mike Myers. The nice part is you can watch him when he was actually funny again, and he’s taped some bits with the current cast. The bad part is he’ll still ask you to watch The Love Guru.

– Will Wilkins, in case you didn’t notice, has no interest in seeing The Love Guru (yet typed the name three times).

This week is the one week that I was looking least forward to writing about. Why? Because there is almost nothing new on (that’s truly worth watching in my opinion).

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty to look forward to this summer. Those with Showtime will be looking forward to the Monday double header of Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl on June 16. Those that are fond of the USA Network shows are going to be given plenty to watch in July with the returns of Burn Notice, Monk, and Psych. There’s three nights of television you don’t even need to think about.

All of this has no place in my brain right now because I’m too caught up trying to still take in last week’s season finale of LOST. The writers and producers gave us so plenty of tons of answers, tons of new questions, and nine months to toil over everything we were given. In true LOST fashion they threw us a twist with starting this episode off immediately AFTER where last season’s finale ended. They told us just why Jack would be hopping on planes hoping to crash on the Island again instead of just going back there. They let us see just why Ben was in the desert in a parka with no footsteps around him. We got to see how the Oceanic 6 got off the Island and why they didn’t bring anyone else with them. We even saw just who was in the coffin from last season. This writer was even tickled at how last season we were shocked at the news of “Not Penny’s Boat” and in this finale we received the exact opposite.

There is so much more I could go into but we’ve got three quarters of a year until next season so instead I’ll just say, “Wow.”

Because we are now in week 1 of our post-regular season of television here now is my best attempt to dress up skirt steak like it is filet mignon.

MONDAY

SCIFI ““ 7:00 PM: Tonight the you can now find Star Trek: The Next Generation on the Sci-Fi channel. When they got the rights to this they also got the rights to Ghost Whisperer and Mork & Mindy. Really looking forward to the seeing the latter again.

ABC – 8:00 PM: Do we really need two hours of a bunch of guys pursuing one woman? ABC thinks so with two hours of The Bachelorette.

BRAVO ““ 9:00 PM: It’s a three hour marathon of D-List Diva Kathy Griffin‘s celebrity bridge burning stand up.

ABC – 10:00 PM: It has been a few years since we haven’t seen a regular (meaning non-Celebrity) season of The Mole. The show is fun to watch and dissect as you try to figure out which of the 12 contestants is working in cahoots with the show itself to try to sabotage the other contestants.

TUESDAY

VH1 ““ 11:00 AM: It’s the chronicles of how Trista met Ryan as VH1 brings us a 12 hour marathon of The Bachelorette and Trista and Ryan’s Wedding. The fact that I just wrote about this is proof positive of how desperate I am to have something to actually type about.

MTV – 7:00 PM: If you missed the premier last night you can catch the reality show that searches for the new Elle Woods for the musical Legally Blonde.

SHO – 8:00 PM: I seem to be in the minority but I really liked Mission:Impossible 3.

FX ““ 10:00 PM: After three years the third season of 30 Days is finally here with Morgan Spurlock trading his McDiet for thirty days as a West Virginia coal miner.

WEDNESDAY

AMC – 8:00 PM: Watch Escape from New York. If you do you’ll be the Duke, a number one.

FOOD – 9:00 PM: I love the cake editions of the Food Network Challenge. Tonight the supreme cake makers must make Pixar character inspired cakes. The tension that they create for a bunch of bakers making cakes is simply amazing to watch.

THURSDAY

AMC – 8:00 PM: Critically acclaimed and very adored are the terms that come to mind when I think of The Princess Bride (as well as the desire for a nice M.L.T.)

NGC – 9:00 PM: If you have the National Geographic Chanel than you might enjoy Stonehenge Decoded.

NBC ““ 10:00 PM: The new anthology series Fear Itself is picking up where syndicated shows like Tales from the Dark Side left off in the late eighties. Unlike the latter this new show has experience writers and directors doing each stand alone show. Can they give you enough to not sleep in 46 minutes? Tune in and see.

FRIDAY

CBS – 8:00 PM: Two hours of Ghost Whisperer are on CBS tonight. Guess the network is taking that TV Guide Sexiest Woman on TV thing pretty seriously.

HBO – 9:00 PM: The guys that brought us Spaced and Shaun of the Dead turn their attention to the cop action film with Hot Fuzz.

SATURDAY

ABC – 8:00 PM: I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than to enjoy Finding Nemo. One of Pixar’s finest achievements.

CBS – 8:00 PM: I can’t think of a worse way to spend a Saturday night than to try to watch a remake of Sybil.

SUNDAY

FX – 8:00 PM: Before the release of Iron Man I thought that X2: X-Men United was the best super hero movie to date.

HIST ““ 8:00 PM: The new season of Ice Road Truckers premieres tonight. These guys make any road trip you’ve ever thought pushed you to the limit look more like a Sunday drive.

DHC ““ 8:00 PM: Watch with shock and disbelief for 60 minutes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

ABC ““ 9:30 PM*: Jimmy Kimmel is doing a special 30 minute Jimmy Kimmel Live after game 2 of the NBA finals. I’ve always been fond of Kimmel, and anything that happens near prime time is a special treat. *Check Local Listings

– Will Wilkins models his life after Nicholas Angel.

Looking back at last week I feel very compelled to write about something that I think every single year but never vocalize: What American Idol is doing wrong.

Yes, I watch American Idol. I can’t help it. It draws my attention every year in the same sadistic way that I have to look at an auto accident when passing by. After you get that first glance you can’t look away. Not everyone, however, watches American Idol and this year there were periods where the drop in viewers were press worthy. How is it that this show of Titanic size and momentum have these types of lulls? The answers, from this arm chair critics perspective, are very clear and I can’t believe that the show producers and the FOX network don’t have them as well.

1. The weekly guest music professionals are as relevant as an 80’s newspaper would be today
The American Idol demographic is young. Let’s be honest. With this single bit of knowledge how much do you think these young viewers are going to care about Neil Diamond, Dolly Parton or Andrew Lloyd Weber? The season frickin’ finale even had Grand Nash, Donna Summer, Bryan Adams and George “Busted in a Bathroom” Michael. Most twenty somethings wouldn’t even know who these people are, so it won’t draw them in as viewers. The logic of trying to cater to the parents of those that are actually watching is good on paper, but poor in execution.

2. It doesn’t take an hour to give 10 minutes of results
Does this one really even need explaining? Nothing screams filler more than medleys, guest artists most of the audience hasn’t heard of singing songs no one has heard of, and the worst offender of all: Ryan Seacrest taking PHONE CALLS! This isn’t a radio show Ryan, let it go. Special side note: it also doesn’t take two hours to tell us which of two people are taking the title. Stop trying to get Super Bowl numbers. Make it an hour and bring back the past Idol winners to perform because THAT works.

3. Music is OK in movies, but plugging movies on American Idol doesn’t work
It made a small part of me die inside to see Iron Man singing as a Pip to help push Tropic Thunder on the finale. Jim Carey’s week on the show was horribly embarrassing and I want to see The Love Guru even less than I did before seeing Mike Myers do his tired shtick on the finale. I’m sure the studios are throwing mega-dollars at the show to get them on but it just doesn’t work.

4. Idol Gives Back? Please… Idol give up
Don’t get me wrong, I like that the world has another telethon to enjoy, but the celebrity video montages make me cringe. There is a point where you approach being too self important, and Idol Gives Back does just that.

These are my top four. I won’t go into any more because the reality is that what I type won’t change a thing. At least I feel better.

It goes without saying that there is only one day this week that I am waiting for: Thursday. You can get a full three hours of the LOST finale this week when the first part that aired two week’s ago airs in the 8:00 PM slot tonight followed by the two hour season finale starting at 9:00 PM. The 8:00 PM repeat actually is an item of interest because the press conference with the Oceanic Six in this re-air actually has additional footage not originally aired.

Now for the real reason you dropped in, to see everything that is (or in this case isn’t) on TV this week.

MONDAY

SCIFI – 8:00 AM: Nothing says the remembering of our nation’s heroes more then a Star Trek: Enterprise marathon.

ABC – 8:00 PM: In Vacation Swap two families who have never met go on vacation together. How exactly is this a swap? This was more like my childhood every summer after we moved to a new neighborhood.

CW – 8:00 PM: Gossip Girl is in repeats now so if you missed it the first go around (like me) than you can now watch it from the beginning (unlike me).

A&E – 9:00 PM: Ridley and Tony Scott produced a modern retelling of The Andromeda Strain. Tonight is Part 1 and I hear it is the better of the two.

TUESDAY

FOX – 8:00 PM: Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV, it’s back! The Moment of Truth has returned to ruin friendships, marriages and lives.

CW – 9:00 PM: Reaper is also starting over from the beginning. Drink it in.

A&E – 9:00 PM: Part 2 of The Andromeda Strain.

WEDNESDAY

FX – 8:00 PM: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a bounty hunter who has to locate Sean William Scott in The Rundown. The movie is nothing but good absurd fun.

VH1 – 9:00 PM: In case you missed the finale of Flavor of Love last week you can take it in again tonight, followed by the Reunion show. It’s trash-tastic.

THURSDAY

SCIFI – 7:00 PM – 11:00 PM: The SciFi channel is re-airing the 2002 miniseries Stephen King’s Rose Red. This is my suggestion if you aren’t in to…

ABC – 8:00 PM – 11:00 PM: You can enjoy all three parts of the LOST season finale tonight. I don’t know how many questions will be answered, but I expect that by the end of this night we’ll know how Ben wound up in the desert in a parka, who was in the coffin in the last season finale, and the exact reason why Jack is so compelled to get back to the Island.

FRIDAY

ABC Family – 8:00 PM: See what life was like for Lindsey Lohan before all of her current problems in Mean Girls. It’s a much nicer version of Heathers for the current generation, with a far lower body count.

ANIMAL PLANET – 8:00 PM: Get ready to oooh and ahhh watching Meerkat Manor: The Story Begins. I never would have thought I’d find a bunch of animals so compelling, but watching this you do.

SATURDAY

BRAVO – 8:00 PM: The original Major League had Charlie Sheen as a bad boy before we knew he really was one and an innocent looking Wesley Snipes. This movie also makes both baseball and Cleveland entertaining. It’s far more bubble gum than Bull Durham and is easy on the brain entertainment.

SHO – 9:00 PM: The reset of the James Bond films was executed flawlessly with the new version of Casino Royale.

SUNDAY

MTV – 8:00 PM: Mike Myers is hosting this year’s MTV Movie Awards. I’m sure that another painful appearance of The Love Guru will occur, but try to not let that dissuade you.

TNT – 8:00 PM: The movie that introduced us to the concept of the hooker with a heart of gold, Pretty Woman, is on. I think this movie is an award winner for the largest number of continuity errors on screen. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch as Julia Roberts is eating a pancake that goes from half eaten to whole again. See, I CAN give you a reason to watch the movie again!

USA – 10:00 PM: If you feel like you’ve been seeing commercials for In Plain Sight for a while it is because you have (over six months to be exact). The good news is that it is worth the wait and once again USA is giving us a quality show. Mary McCormack turns in a great performance in this story of a woman secretly working as a US Marshall who hides people in the Witness Protection Program. This will also help you to kill time if you are waiting for…

CARTOON NETWORK – 11:30 PM: The Venture Brothers is one of the most intelligently written cartoons to come along in a long time. It’s one of the few shows I’ve ever watched on Cartoon Network’s adult swim and I can’t tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to its return.

– Will Wilkins just got back from Disneyland and practically phoned this one in.

I’m not sure if I am supposed to be surprised or angry about this week. Last week’s episode of LOST was so good that I’m just chomping at the bit for more, but we don’t get that until next week. The season finale of Medium was filled with lots of twists and turns but still had a very happy ending. Heck, I even enjoyed Desperate Housewives. Still, after all this, I just feel half empty because of the truncated seasons we were handed due to the WGA strike (I know, I should just be happy we had more episodes).

Since I have been belly aching for the past few weeks about Reaper I suppose I should bring the entire thing full circle and mention that the show has in fact been renewed for another season. Another reason why I’m not sure if I should be happy or angry is because it has only been given a 13 episode pick up as a mid-season replacement next season.

There’s really not much else to say. Just about every show that is new this week is wrapping up their season this week as well. If you want real entertainment than be sure to check out this column next week when I’m struggling through the dregs of what is on to try to actually find something to write about. It should be a real hoot.

Now, let’s get to it.

MONDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: It’s all Gormogon all the time on Bones! I am going to be bummed if they actually catch Gormogon this finale because I just love typing the name.

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: American Gladiators is back, and it is police officer vs. police officer.

CBS ““ 8:30 PM: On the season finale of How I Met Your Mother Ted gets hit by a car and ponders his life and his current relationship. Will we finally see who owned the yellow umbrella at the beginning of this season? Doubtful.

TUESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: It’s David vs. David tonight on American Idol. Is there really any point in watching or voting? Solid money on Cook for the win.

CW ““ 9:00 PM: Can it be true and Sam is the son of the devil? Last week on Reaper they wanted us to start thinking that. No matter what happens tonight sadly you will have to wait until 2009 for the follow-up.

HBO ““ 8:00 PM: Knocked Up is definitely the movie that catapulted Seth Rogen into the stratosphere, and gave a nice boost to Katherine Heigl as well.

WEDNESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: From the hype you would think that the only thing really on TV tonight is American Idol. All of the other networks really seem to have thrown in the towel and completely agreed with this perception.

MTV ““ 8:00 PM: If you want to hide from the hype why not take in four hours of The Real World: Hollywood? Chock full of interventions, stolen panties, and fun lovin’ conflict.

THURSDAY

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: Season finale night on ABC kicks off with the stunt casting of Lindsey Lohan on Ugly Betty. Words can’t even express how much I won’t be watching this tonight.

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: So You Think You Can Dance? Me either.

IFC ““ 8:00 PM: Take in 90 minutes of the R. Kelly saga Trapped in the Closet.

ABC ““ 9:00 PM: Two hour season finale for Grey’s Anatomy. Just typing about this and Ugly Betty caused a serious drop in my testosterone. Must find sports game, STAT!

FRIDAY

BBCA ““ 8:00 PM: One of my favorite “story telling” comedians is on tonight with two back-to-back specials: Eddie Izard: Dress to Kill and Eddie Izard: Glorious. Don’t tune in expecting to see the guy from The Riches.

HBO ““ 8:00 PM: Braveheart is such a good movie it almost makes you forget about the drunken, misogynistic, anti-Semitic side of Mel Gibson. Almost.

SATURDAY

HIST ““ 8:00 PM: The History Channel is once again trying to cash in on the Indiana Jones hype by re-running the Quest for the Lost Ark.

FOOD ““ 8:00 PM: It’s an Iron Chef America marathon tonight. See how Bobby Flay and Mario Batali became chefs of iron. Just be sure to eat a big meal before viewing.

SUNDAY

TBS ““ 8:00 PM: A freak accident gives womanizing Mel Gibson the ability to hear the thoughts of women in What Women Want. A guilty pleasure flick of mine, regardless of how absurd it is.

CMTV ““ 8:00 PM: Four words that just scream at you to tune in: My Big Redneck Wedding. Anything that shows a wedding with greased pig catching gets my attention.

– Will Wilkins did, in fact, attend a redneck wedding once”¦ complete with the father-of-the bride dancing in a pig trough.

Welcome one and all to the great slow down, 2008!

That’s right boys and girls, the finales are upon us, in some cases they have passed us, and there are only a few more on the horizon. Soon we’ll see what the networks will do to try to keep our attention over the summer as they are still limping from the affects of the WGA Strike.

NBC announced a few weeks ago that one of the things they were going to do is to have a year round scheduling concept, something they have the luxury of doing as they are showing the Summer Olympic Games. I can’t wait to see what the other networks will do in response to this, other than flooding us with more reality programming.

Another interesting turn of events has occurred since last week, especially when you consider that article from Reaper star Bret Harrison asking us to mail socks the CW. Well, this week he posted a follow up which I find kind of funny as it isn’t a retraction but it definitely does some back peddling. On the other side of this issue you’ve got Kristin over at E!Online saying her sources tell her that Reaper is in fact going to get renewed for next season. I guess we’ll all find out together just how true this is on Tuesday.

Fans of LOST should remember to keep tonight’s show on their DVRs because you won’t be getting a new episode next week. The two hour finale, however, will be happening the week after.

All that being said, here’s the picks and pucks for this week.

MONDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: In a move that screams catering to many a boyfriend and husband alike, a former American Idol contestant is murdered on tonight’s episode of Bones. Sorry guys, it’s not Clay Aiken.

CBS ““ 8:30 PM: She’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Britney Spears reprises her role as Abby to allow her and Barney to annoy Ted on How I Met Your Mother. Even though NPH already came out I still see this as a better coupling than her and Kevin Federline.

ABC ““ 9:30 PM: It’s the season finale of Samantha, Who? and since the show has already been renewed it’s safe to watch and enjoy.

TUESDAY

NBC”“ 9:00 PM: Two hours of Law and Order: SVU tonight give us a chance to catch special guest star Robin Williams if we missed him in a repeat of last week’s episode, and we get the season finale in the second hour.

CW ““ 9:00 PM: Somehow a soul keeps getting back out on Reaper. This elusive guy must have snuck in to the CW and gotten the rumored renewal.

WEDNESDAY

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: The good news? The final two contestants are decided on tonight’s American Idol. The better news? Only one more week until and we’ll be done with Ryan Seacrest until New Year’s Eve.

SHOW ““ 9:00 PM: Nothing will make you cut up your plastic faster than watching Maxed Out: Hard Times, Easy Credit and the Era of Predatory Lenders.

THURSDAY

CW”“ 8:00 PM: In a season finale that’s premise baffles me completely, Lex and Clark are going to face off in a certain ortress-fay of olitude-say on Smallville. This season finale is bitter sweet in many ways as show creators Al Gough (who’s living room floor I slept on one night back in the 90’s) and Miles Millar will be leaving the show, as will Michael Rosenbaum (Lex) and Kristen Kreuk (Lana Lang). There’s no way that Lex will come away from this episode remembering anything because there’s no room in any universe for Lex Luthor knowing Clark Kent is in fact Superman.

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: Season finale night for My Name is Earl. Will Earl and his new bride work things out or will Randy be his only bed partner next season? Note to Greg Garcia, more list and less twist for next season, OK?

NBC ““ 9:00 PM: It’s also season finale night for The Office. Anyone giving odds on if Jim proposes to Pam tonight?

TCM ““ 8:00 PM: Capricorn One definitely has not aged well, but seeing them fake a Mars landing plays nicely for moon landing conspiracy files. We also get to see OJ Simpson eat a snake!

FRIDAY

CBS ““ 8:00 PM: Season finale night for Ghost Whisperer. I doubt they can top last season’s plane crash/someone’s dead reveal, but I hope they come close.

CARTOON NETWORK ““ 8:00 PM: The Warner Brothers direct to DVD movie The Batman vs. Dracula is available for free tonight.

SATURDAY

SCIFI ““ 4:00 PM*: You’ve got another chance to get your Indiana Jones on before the new movie comes out”¦ Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade are on back-to-back-to-back. *Check local listings.

HIST ““ 8:00 PM: Nothing is better for a Saturday than an uplifting show to cuddle up next to your loved one with. Last Days on Earth examines the seven of the deadliest threats to humanity including artificial intelligence and black holes, and will probably do wonders to get your significant other in the mood.

TLC ““ 9:00 PM: I really hate to keep bringing up the same show, but week after week Trading Spaces keeps delivering. If last week’s divorced couple wasn’t enough, this week it is feuding neighbors that are deciding to give redecorating for each other a go. Too bad their names won’t be Hatfield and McCoy.

SUNDAY

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: It’s two hours of The Office tonight, and I highly recommend the second hour. The story line of Michael being way over his head in debt pales in comparison to Jim and Pam’s stay at the Schrute Family Beet Farm/Bed & Breakfast.

ABC ““ 9:00 PM: ABC gives us a two hour season finale of Desperate Housewives. Watch as they drag out answering questions from this season and take two minutes to introduce a new one at the last moment to make sure you tune in next season.

HIST ““ 8:00 PM: The History Channel brings us a look at the fact or fiction of the artifacts hunted for by our favorite archeologist/adventurer in Indiana Jones and the Ultimate Quest.

– Will Wilkins really should try reading once in a while.

Well it certainly has been an interesting week since I wrote my last column.

It turns out that stunt casting will be in full effect again in the upcoming weeks as two symbols of dysfunction will be guest spotting on two different TV shows. Britney Spears will be returning to How I Met Your Mother on next week’s episode and Lindsey Lohan will guest star on the May 22^nd season finale episode of Ugly Betty. This type of casting is nothing new really when you think about how a troubled Robert Downey Jr. came out of rehab and guest starred on Ally McBeal. It certainly didn’t hurt his career. HIMYM‘s makes sense since the show is considered “On the Bubble” but I don’t really get what Ugly Betty is trying to prove as they’ve already been renewed. The rumor is that she’ll also be in a few of the following season’s episodes.

Another bubble show is Reaper and in an LA Times article it was once again stated that the fate of the show is looking grim (bada-bump). The show was originally a critic favorite, and like many critical favorites before it the show’s future isn’t looking bright. It’s really a shame because the show has really been on a great roll with the post strike episodes. The show’s lead, Brett Harrison, currently has an interesting suggestion on his web site that fans of the show might find interesting if they want to let the CW know that they want the show to stay. I really hope something can come of it because I would be sad to see Reaper go so soon.

MONDAY

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: Nothing says “I want to win money” like travelling to the Philippines to do it, which is what two people do for tonight’s Deal or No Deal. Suddenly last week’s Star Wars special makes far more sense to me.

CBS ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight’s Two and a Half Men is written by the writers of CSI. Look to Thursday because that’s not all!

TUESDAY

NBC”“ 8:30 PM: The SNL retread for tonight is The Best of Molly Shannon. I don’t know who compiles these, but since it has no Dog Show it isn’t really best of.

CW ““ 9:00 PM: With this being the last episode of Reaper before the CW announces there new fall schedule, Sam has to try to conquer his greatest foe ever: The Nielsen families.

WEDNESDAY

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: The global tour continues as Deal or No Deal sends players to take part in the Estonia version of the show. This is a real place? I thought they just made up the name in Encino Man.

TLC ““ 8:00 PM: Little People, Big World makes up the entire night of TLC programming.

STARZ ““ 8:00 PM: Pixar delivers again and again, and one of my favorite movies of last year was Ratatouille. The story, the acting, and the technology all come together into an amazing film.

THURSDAY

CBS ““ 8:00 PM: It’s the final episode before the big finale on Survivor. I haven’t watched a single episode.

NBC ““ 8:30 PM: Believe it or not, it’s the final episode tonight of Scrubs seven year run on NBC. If you are a fan the rumor is the show will be back next season on ABC. If not, brace yourself for everyone playing fairy tale characters. Sigh”¦

CW ““ 8:00 PM: A cloaked stranger carves Kyrptonian symbols into Lex’s chest tonight on Smallville. These taggers are really getting out of hand.

CBS ““ 10:00 PM: Tonight’s episode of CSI is written by the writers from Two and a Half Men, where in a sitcom star is killed. I hope there’s no art imitating life in this subtext.

FRIDAY

TNT ““ 8:00 PM: Even though this movie is named Sahara somehow they get Matthew McConaughey shirtless at the beach. Is it in his contract that this guy has to expose his Pecs in every film?!?

CARTOON NETWORK ““ 8:00 PM: I really enjoyed the other big budget Jon Favreau movie, Zathura, and you can to.

SATURDAY

USA ““ 8:00 PM: Get your Indiana Jones on before the new movie comes out with the one that started it all: Raiders of the Lost Ark.

TLC ““ 9:00 PM: This week on Trading Spaces a divorced couple renovate each other’s bedrooms. This can’t end well.

SUNDAY

CMTV ““ 4:00 PM: To celebrate Mother’s Day it’s an 8 hour marathon of the FOX reality show Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy. Marguerite Perrin fans sadly will get no God Warrior during this marathon.

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: The Simpsons take an interesting direction with their Mother’s Day show, where Homer’s mother suddenly dies. That’s uplifting.

CBS ““ 8:00 PM: Was it a Fan or a Favorite who won this season’s Survivor? No, really, tell me after you watch this. Like I said before, I haven’t watched a single episode. Why start now?

– Will Wilkins thinks Reaper really deserves a second season.

After last week, all I can say is, “Wow.” (Good thing I took to writing, it’s brought out the exposition and eloquence in me.)I tend to gush over LOST (or I tend to be completely confused with the things that go on with the show).

Last week’s episode of LOST, which if you missed you can still watch on line at ABC.COM, was just phenomenal. Usually I wouldn’t say something about a show that seemed to impact the ongoing story very little, but this episode was special. It was nail biting, it was tense, and it is the type of experience I like from LOST without having that aforementioned confusion or sense of bafflement. Benjamin Linus proved himself to be one of the small screens most formidable foes, most diabolical thinkers, and one of the best written villains. The approach the writers and producers of LOST have taken with this character is very simplistic, and in that simplicity he is creepier than all get out. When he speaks he does so clearly, concisely and he operates on a level of complexity that comes in waves instead of ripples every time we learn something new. Even the subtlety of his actions shows this, as he is playing his piano when he learns of an incoming attack. He springs from his piano bench and lifts the lid, revealing a shot gun, which he then hands over to someone else as they get ready for the attach. He’s the bad guy, he’s had a gun the whole time he’s been “captive” and no one knew it. EVIL!

That being said, there isn’t much that I am actually looking forward to. By now you know my favorites so I tried to steer a little clear of those while compiling this week’s list. Enjoy.

MONDAY

NBC – 8:00 PM: Not since the Star Wars Holiday Special has TV seen a night of television like what is on tonight’s Deal or No Deal. Darth Vader sits in for the banker, the girls with the cases are dressed up like Princess Leia on Jabba’s sand barge, and another part of my fond childhood memories are destroyed.

CBS – 8:30 PM: Barney may have done the deed with Robin, and now he must face the music with Ted on How I Met Your Mother. This one may be legen-(wait for it)-dary.

TUESDAY

FOX – 8:00 PM: I know that each week I talk about what is happening on American Idol but how can I not when it just keeps getting better and better”¦ this week’s guest mentor is Neil Diamond. I call dibs on Sweet Caroline.

AMC – 8:00 PM: Relive the joy original training sequence film with The Karate Kid. Relive the pain of the sequel right after with The Karate Kid Part II.

WEDNESDAY

CW – 8:00 PM: Nothing says ratings like a number 1 hit in Belgium and Norway. Tonight watch as women embarrass themselves for a farmer that looks more like an underwear model on Farmer Wants a Wife.

HIST – 9:00 PM: Tonight on MonsterQuest they review the eyewitness reports of a hair man-beast called “dogman.” They went looking for a Ware-wolf, this is the best they could come up with.

THURSDAY

CW – 8:00 PM: It’s a Wonderful Life tonight when Clark thinks the world would be better if he had never landed in Smallville. Jor-El plays Clarence as I yawn at an obvious last minute lazy script submission.

FUSE – 8:00 PM: If you haven’t seen The Big Lebowski I highly recommend you do. It really ties the room together.

ABC – 10:00 PM: Tonight on LOST Jack has appendicitis. Since we’ve already seen him off the Island I’m dying to know how this causes tension. I also don’t know how they can possibly top last week.

FRIDAY

USA – 8:00 PM: You know how I know you’re”¦ oh never mind, just watch The 40 Year Old Virgin and then show me your instincts.

MTV – 9:00 PM: A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila“¦ MySpacers, I blame you for this.

SATURDAY

THE N – 3:00 PM: Get your fill of Canadian teen drama with a Degrassi: The Next Generation marathon.

TLC – 9:00 PM: Turn back time and get all shook up as a Cher impersonator and an Elvis impersonator are Trading Spaces.

TNT – 10:00 PM: There’s something in the water and it is JAWS. No line in movie history has had more comedy and fear delivered with it than, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

SUNDAY

E! – 8:00 PM: See if you can keep up for three hours with Keeping Up With the Kardashians

CBS – 9:00 PM: It’s a two hour Dexter season finale tonight. Find out who the Ice Truck Killer is in this Clash of the Sociopathic Titans.

– Will Wilkins is not The Ice Truck Killer.

Behold! The return of the comedy, drama and mystery is upon us!

Yes, fellow sofa surfers, this week has more shows returning then any week prior. TV is in full effect right now and we can relish in it, even though it will flicker out sooner than later.

If you read last week’s column than you know that I laid pretty hard into My Name is Earl. I have to say that I am very happy to say that last week there was no sitcom seen in Earl’s head and there was a return to the quirkiness that the show originally started with. I hope it is a trend that they keep up this week.

Since we will only be enjoying five to six episodes of each returning show before they are gone again, I thought this week I would feature a great show that’s first two seasons is available on DVD. Weeds is an original show from Showtime that is entertaining, funny, hip and scary. The premise is simple: Nancy Botwin is a young widow and mother of two (Mary Louise Parker) has to make ends meet after her husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. Because her husband did not leave her financially set she lives the great American dream and begins peddling the marijuana (thought I’d say it the way my Grandmother always did) to the people in her suburban community. Everyone on this show turns in a great performance, and I’m especially fond of Kevin Nealon who is an accountant/City Councilman/doper and John Kirk who plays the slacker brother-in-law of Nancy. If you don’t mind drugs in your humor then pick up the first two seasons, with the third to be released this summer and the fourth season due to premier on Showtime this June.

Dramedy fans will be happy to know that Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy and LOST are returning this week on ABC, Gossip Girl, Reaper and Supernatural return on the CW, and Moonlight is back on CBS (although I don’t know why on that last one). No matter what your taste is there is definitely a little something for everyone.

That being said, let’s get to it.

MONDAY

CW ““ 8:00 PM: As mentioned above, Gossip Girl is back. I haven’t watchd this show but I hear it is good trash.

CBS ““ 8:30 PM: Stunt Casting Alert!We get another glimpse of Robin Sparkles this week on How I Met Your Mother as old boy friend from Canada James Van Der Beek comes to town for a visit. Oh, Dawson, what’s this all aboot?

CBS ““ 9:00 PM: TV listings for tonight’s episode of Two and a Half Men lists that “Alan fears that Charlie’s womanizing is getting out of control.” After five seasons have the writers forgotten the premise of the show?!?

TUESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: American Idol‘s finalists will be getting coached this week by Andrew Lloyd Weber. C’mon, really now? The guy who brought us Starlight Express?

NBC ““ 8:30 PM: Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Farley makes me both happy and sad to see. The infamous Chip N Dale Audition”¦ the joy”¦ the pain.

CW ““ 9:00 PM: Turns out the gay demons next door on Reaper are going to try to use Sam to get at the Devil. Just when you think you can trust a demon”¦

WEDNESDAY

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: On Wife Swap a woman is so sick of city living she shelters her children from the modern media. The perfect way to shelter from the media? Put “˜em on a reality show!

NBC ““ 9:00 PM: Jessie L. Martin’s swan song occurs on tonight’s Law & Order.

THURSDAY

NBC ““ 9:30 PM: Tonight on Scrubs Elliot and Carla go to the board to convince them not to let go of Dr. Kelso and Kelso reflects on his time at the hospital. I’m sensing a clip show.

ABC ““ 9:00 PM: Grey’s Anatomy is back and just about every woman in my life will probably be watching it.

ABC ““ 10:00 PM: LOST is back and Camp Locke is under attack. Gunshots, explosions and confusion guaranteed!

FRIDAY

CBS ““9:00 PM: The return of Forever Kni“¦ er”¦ I mean Moonlight has the lead character temporarily changing from vampire to normal guy. Every time this happens someone gets busy is all I’m sayin.

COMEDY CENTRAL ““ 9:30 PM: The Emmy Award winning episode of Futurama airs tonight, Roswell That Ends Well. Enjoy.

SATURDAY

I’m sorry, I looked and I looked but there isn’t a damn thing that I can recommend without feeling guilty. Enjoy this day with your family, go see a movie, or just go look out at the stars in the night sky. Because I am, however, contractually obligated to provide recommendations for each day, remember I warned you.

TBS – 8:00 PM: Learn to live and love with Mathew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez in this touching tale of infidelity in The Wedding Planner.

OXYGEN – 8:00 PM: Bump and grind your night away with Jessica Alba in Honey.

SUNDAY

CBS ““ 8:00 PM: I feel like the finale is coming early tonight for Big Brother 9. One person is chosen as the winner, and if you have been watching this entire season I think that makes us all the losers.

ABC ““ 9:00 PM: Dirt, dirt and more dirt on Desperate Housewives! Katherine and Bree go into business together, Mike finds out what really happened the night he was nearly killed by a car and Lynette tries to deny her feelings for another man. Yes, I watch the show.

CBS ““ 10:00 PM: One of the most important episodes of Dexter‘s first season is on CBS tonight. A gory crime scene finally shows us how someone becomes what Dexter is. I can’t wait to see how this is handled on network television!

– Will Wilkins never inhaled while watching Weeds.

The critic in me is grumbling and I can’t help but speak up about one of the shows that I love and my confusion at what they are doing.

If you haven’t watched My Name is Earl than let me explain the concept: The lead character wrote a list of everything he did wrong to people and he’s trying to fix every one of them to live a better life. The problem? Right now he is in a coma and his hapless rag-tag group of friends (and his brother) are carrying on his work to try to get him out of the coma. Meanwhile, in his head, he’s living life in his own sit com.

What it really boils down to, however, is that My Name is Earl is not doing what we have come to expect and giving us instead some nonsense premise that only has an effect of completely jarring me out of the moment. I’m not saying the show isn’t enjoyable, I’m just saying that I don’t like this direction and I almost wish he was still in prison. Sadly we have at least two more weeks of this to endure.

On a different note: the light is at the end of the tunnel and new shows are popping up with each passing week. Two weeks from now we’ll be in the throng of new shows and we’ll almost forget that we only have a few more weeks of them before the summer hits us.

Fans of LOST also got some good news this past week: Instead of just five new shows we’ll be getting six. Look for these new episodes starting next week in the new 10:00 PM time slot.

If you have ever been a fan of Smallville than my top pick of the week is this week’s all new show. Someone will die and Lex goes all kinds of bad. Hopefully soon that Clark kid will trade in his red and blue t-shirts already for something a little more cape like because his arch-nemesis seems to be coming in to his own.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming”¦

MONDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: Bones is finally back! This show is like CSI light, and this season they have a bad guy called (I kid you not) the Gormogon. Not sure if there will be any Gormogon tonight, but there will be human remains and sexual tension (not related).

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: The last episode of New Amsterdam. Not sure if it will be the last ever but I did enjoy the 8 episode run. You can watch the whole season after Tuesday at this site.

AMC ““ 8:00 PM ““ 2:30 AM: It’s Don Knotts-irific on AMC tonight with The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, The Reluctant Astronaut, and The Shakiest Gun in the West. The Incredible Mr. Limpet would have made this the perfect quartet, but sadly they instead are airing How to Frame a Figg after Gun.

TUESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: American Idol‘s finalists will be singing the hits of Mariah Carey. I can’t wait to hear David Archuleta to sing Honey (yes, I had to look that up”¦ no really).

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: If you are “husky” person like myself than there is nothing that will make you feel like less of an achiever than the finale of The Biggest Loser. My money is on Ali. Don’t watch the show? Tune in any way to see the jaw dropping results these people get.

TCM ““ 10:00 PM: If you have never caught Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles than tune in for a time when political correctness didn’t exist.

WEDNESDAY

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: Get ready to rumble with the Barack vs. Hillary in Philly. I just wish it was more like Thunderdome (two candidates enter, one candidate leaves!) because we really need our Democratic candidate already.

MTV ““ 10:00 PM: The 20^th edition of The Real World sets up shop in Hollywood. Since I remember the first season of The Real World I am suddenly feeling a part of The Older World.

THURSDAY

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: It’s two hours of LOST tonight to try to catch us up on what happened just a month ago. Tune in to get caught up and let me remind you again that the show moves to 10:00 PM next Thursday.

CW ““ 8:00 PM: Like I said, Lex goes really bad on Smallville. I hear good things about this one. Tune in.

FRIDAY

COMEDY CENTRAL ““ 10:00 PM: Lisa Lampanelli: Dirty Girl is not for the squeamish. If you aren’t easily offended, you will enjoy this.

SCIFI ““ 8:30 PM: It’s a new season of Dr. Who and tonight the good doctor is trying to save people on board an orbiting cruise ship called Titanic. Who’d have thought something could go wrong on a ship with that name?

SATURDAY

E! ““ 8:00 PM: About a Boy is one of those great films that I can’t tell you why I like so much. Hopefully you will too.

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: One of the darkest and most enjoyable adaptations of the Harry Potter books is Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

SUNDAY

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: Breathe out a sigh of relief with me as the finale of Oprah’s Big Give is here.

COMEDY CENTRAL ““ 8:00 PM: Napoleon Dynamite a.k.a. the film that made GOSH! a household word.

HBO ““ 9:00 PM: The final episode of John Adams airs tonight. That is all.

ABC ““ 10:00 PM: Fans of night time drama will be happy to know that Brothers & Sisters is back tonight with new episodes. I’ll be in bed by this time.

– Will Wilkins is not The Biggest Loser.

When I started last week’s column I stated that it was one of the bleakest weeks of TV viewing. I’m glad I said “one of” because I fear that we have at least one more week, including this one, to endure.

Unless you live under a rock then you are aware of the titan of a show that is American Idol. This year they are bringing back last year’s charity fiasco: Idol Gives Back. The name itself really bothers me because Idol doesn’t give back”¦ Idol provides a vehicle for us to donate our money to help charitable organizations. They use their influence to get the show’s sponsors to pony up more dough than they normally do to help guilt us into giving. I don’t have anything against the concept of them having a telethon; I just have a problem with the name. Idol Gives Back is just a poor choice of words, and yes though I may criticize I can’t offer a better alternative (accept maybe Idol Aid or Idol Helps Out). I only hope that their celebrity guests don’t participate in another sad and pathetic dance video.

In preparing for this week’s column I had to embark on a little research. I saw that ABC has both Samantha Who? and Desperate Housewives returning this week. I don’t remember a single thing that has happened on Desperate Housewives (except that Nathan Fillion seems to have left the show after the tornado) and I had never seen Samantha Who? so I did what any reasonable critic would do; I spent my entire Sunday sitting on my butt having a Samantha Who? marathon courtesy of abc.com. The concept behind the show is that the star, Christina Applegate, plays Samantha who wakes up from a coma with amnesia. To her horror she discovers that she wasn’t a nice person (at all) and seeks to be a better person with her new clean slate. The concept is actually very entertaining, the writing is good, the acting is decent and it is a sitcom that makes me feel a lot cleaner then after watching an episode of Two and a Half Men.

I can also say that I was very pleased with the return of Battlestar Galactica. Not a lot was explained, but what they did give us was interesting. Starbuck returned seemingly back from the dead with a brand new Viper identical to her old one, complete with vacation pictures of Earth. Right now I’ve got that same feeling I get when I’m in a roller coaster and we’re clicking our way up at the beginning of one hell of a ride.

Now that my blathering has gone by, here’s some stuff you might want to watch over the next seven days.

MONDAY

CBS ““ Check Local Time: If I have to tell you to watch the NCAA Tournament than you probably aren’t going to watch the NCAA Tournament.

ABC ““ 9:30 PM: Tonight is the aforementioned return of Samantha Who? If only it weren’t wedged in between Dancing with the Stars and The Bachelor.

NBC ““ 10:00 PM: Again I throw up the stunt casting alert because tonight Rosanna Arquette will be guest starring with real life sister Patricia on tonight’s Medium.

TUESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: American Idol‘s finalists will be singing inspirational music tonight. What, they peaked with guest singers last week with Dolly Parton?!?!

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: I have to admit that I am hopelessly addicted to The Biggest Loser and tonight they are going to be kicking off the final person before the big finale. The evil part? They don’t get their trainers, they are on their own. Next week you won’t be able to shut me up about the finale. Sorry in advance.

CBS ““ 10:00 PM: Secret Talents of the Stars is my must watch of the night. Why? Four words people: Mr. Sulu Sings Country! Oh my!

WEDNESDAY

FOX ““ 7:30 PM: The show that is so big prime time can’t contain it, Idol Gives Back promises to steal 2 hours and thirty minutes of your life, plus some of your money. I’m not even going to try to recommend anything else because, let’s face it, the other channels aren’t even trying to counter program against this beast.

THURSDAY

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: Desperate Housewives is desperate to get us caught up on what happened prior to the writer’s strike.

NBC ““ 8:00 ““ 10:00 PM: Thursday night sitcom Nirvana is back in full effect with My Name is Earl, 30 Rock, The Office, and Scrubs. 30 Rock is the one I’m most looking forward to. Why? Two words: MILF Island.

FRIDAY

NBC ““ 9:00 PM: The Miss USA pageant airs tonight, and it is hosted by Donnie and Marie Osmond. Here is hoping Marie passes out again to liven this up.

AMC ““ 10:00 PM: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Something D-O-O economics”¦ anyone? Anyone?

SCIFI ““ 10:00 PM: OK, I’m not sure what the hell is going on with Battlestar Galactica but this week I’m sure we’ll get more of Starbuck’s mental Earth Radar driving her crazy and it looks like the Cylons are going to have issue with the Final Five being on the human fleet. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch this before you tune in.

SATURDAY

CBS ““ 8:00 PM: The Lord’s Boot Camp follows three young women training to become Christian missionaries. The title alone makes it a recommended show.

SPIKE ““ 8:00 PM: My favorite of the Star Wars films airs tonight. Travel with me to the Dagobah system in The Empire Strikes Back.

SUNDAY

ABC ““ 9:00 PM: As mentioned above, the girls of Wisteria Lane are back with the return of Desperate Housewives. Hopefully tonight we finally get some dirt on Dana Delaney’s character Katherine. They’ve got to give something big after this big of a break.

TMC ““ 8:00 PM: Span a decade with me as The Movie Channel shows Clerks and Clerks II back to back. I’m a sucker for related double features, and I’m also a sucker for these flicks.

– Will Wilkins knows who the fifth Cylon is, but he’s not telling.

Welcome back TV viewers. We find ourselves here again; same bat-time, same bat-channel.

This week is one of the bleakest yet, but it also represents the light at the end of the tunnel for those of us suffering through the after effects of the WGA strike. I’d love to try to lie to you but Tuesday and Wednesday are not going to be very fun if you aren’t in to American Idol. If you don’t like Survivor or sitcoms then Thursday isn’t going to be very exciting either. I also have to say that you can pretty much write off the weekend for being able to watch much of anything very good. Fans of LOST also get to let out a collective groan because they still have another four weeks to wait for a new episode.

I did, however, say something about a light at the end of the tunnel. That tiny glimmer of hope comes from the fact that we are starting to see many shows return with new episodes. This is going to be a trend that we see happen every week of the month, with new shows being in full effect for May. It’s kind of like winter ending all over again isn’t it?

The biggest event this week, which is noted below, is that Battlestar Galactica is returning on the SCIFI channel. This is a mixed bag of good news/bad news because it is the show’s final season; however it doesn’t really matter because one should just be happy to get any bit of a show that has this much quality and caliber. The writing on this show is amazing, the acting is great, and they ended last season on one heck of a cliff hanger. I would be more than willing to bet that Friday will give the SCIFI channel some of their biggest ratings ever, and I predict they will definitely deserve them. In other words, don’t call me Friday night because I’ll be watching BSG and the ringer will be turned off.

So let’s all let out a collective sigh of relief because April is upon us and we’ll soon be knee deep in new shows.

Now, on with the countdown.

MONDAY

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight on New Amsterdam a homicide victim looks like one of the 63 kids that John has fathered in his 400 years of life. With that many kids what are the odds that someone in New York isn’t related to him?

NBC ““ 10:00 PM: Last week on Medium we saw one of the creepiest scenarios that Alison has had to deal with yet, and the perpetrator for once is a woman. This week she goes head-to-head with this serious sociopath, and I’m hoping for a serious cat fight.

TUESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: Tonight on American Idol the contestants sing the songs of Dolly Parton and she’ll be on hand to coach them. I can’t wait to hear Dave Cook sing 9 to 5. I bet you’re waiting for me to say, “April Fools!” aren’t you? Sorry.

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: Fifteen new people sign up for the torture and honor of trying to become the Executive Chef at a Gordon Ramsey’s new restaurant in the latest installment of Hell’s Kitchen. This show is pure sadomasochism for those too scared to actually put on a ball gag.

WEDNESDAY

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: An event I’m sure you’ve all been dying to see on American Idol; Dolly Parton SINGS! Tune in for 42 minutes of pain and watch another young hopeful’s dream get shattered.

HIST ““ 9:00 PM: I think the producers of MonsterQuest are stuck in a rut. Last week it was the Skunk Ape, this week they look at Josef Stalin’s attempts at breeding man and ape. Next week they’ll try to track down the elusive Grape Ape.

THURSDAY

NBC ““ 8:00 PM: The good news is that My Name is Earl is back and it’s a full hour. The bad news is that stunt casting is in full effect with Paris Hilton playing herself. If it were two days earlier I would be hoping this was an April Fool’s joke.

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: I hope you didn’t blink because the season finale of Miss/Guided is already here. You start to like a new show and just like Keyser Souze… poof… it’s gone.

NBC ““ 9:00 ““ 11:00 PM: After Earl why not take in four back to back episodes of The Office?

FRIDAY

CBS ““ 8:00 PM: Ghost Whisperer is back from the afterlife of the WGA Strike tonight. What can I say? At least it’s not a repeat or reality TV.

SCIFI ““ 9:00 AM: Because I missed mentioning it last week I’m going to bring up both Battlestar Galactica: Revealed and Battlestar Galactica: The Phenomenon for this lovely Friday morning. The former is hosted by Executive Producers Ronald D. Moore and David Eick to get us caught up on all the important things that happened in the previous seasons. The latter is a collection of celebrities talking about the impact the new Galactica has had. These are all a great primer for…

SCIFI ““ 10:00 PM: Finally, the return of Battlestar Galactica! “˜Nuff said?

SATURDAY

FOXREAL ““ 12:00 PM: One of the funniest and cruelest reality shows that FOX ever put out was My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé. Today FOX REALITY is airing back to back episodes of the shows entire run. It is mean, it is cruel and it is FABULOUS! Drink it in.

SCIFI ““ 3:00 PM: Relive the terror of 10.5 and 10.5: Apocalypse. No, the terror isn’t from the earthquakes; it’s from the writing, the acting, and Beau Bridges eyebrows!

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: Tune in for one of the two blandest adaptations of JK Rowling’s books with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I’ve got a soft spot for the books so if you have no idea what a Muggle is than tune in, won’t you?

SUNDAY

TNT”“ 12:30 PM: It’s Lord of the Rings Sunday on TNT as all three films in the trilogy are shown back-to-back-to-back. This should be TNT’s highest ratings score for males 18 to 35… living in their parents basements.

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: Tonight the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition team goes all the way to Billings, Montana to build a new home for a family living in a refurbished chicken coop. I’m dying to see what a refurbished chicken coop looks like. I bet it’s still better than most New York apartments.

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: I’m very hesitant to recommend Family Guy tonight, but if you didn’t catch their Star Wars special episode than tonight is your second chance to see it. It will elicit at least a few laughs.

– Will Wilkins didn’t know what the frak to put here this week.

Welcome to another week of abysmal television viewing.

I don’t mean to start this column off on a negative note, but there really isn’t a lot to look forward to for decent boob tube-ry this week. Right now we are adrift in a sea of reality television and program repeats. The shows that are new are either mid-season replacement shows (another term for “crap we didn’t have enough faith to put on the air unless the other crap that we put on the air fails”) or sitcoms, which aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Amidst all of this one of the quality television shows out there is coming to an end. For the second time Jericho has been canceled by CBS. It doesn’t really come as a big surprise, but at least fans of the show got something that most don’t get now a day: closure. We will never know the fate of John Doe, we’ll not know where the baby came from on Lois and Clark, and we won’t ever find out exactly what happened to The Nine. Jericho fans at least know what happened in the battle with New Bern and will be given an appropriate series finale (as the producers had two endings shot to cover the show continuing or ending here).

In last week’s article I also mentioned that the jury is still out on Reaper being renewed, even though the CW did renew some shows earlier this year. I have to tell you folks that the show just keeps getting better and better each week. Ray Wise plays the perfect Devil who somehow makes a simple smile one of the more intimidating things you’ll see on TV. Last week we were also introduced to Michael Ian Black and Ken Marino as our hero’s neighbors… who need belt sanders to wear down their horns. That’s right, the perfect gay couple next door are demons. Let’s just hope there is no subtext going on here.

This week we really just have the usual suspects to take in, so without further ado…

MONDAY

CBS ““ 8:30 PM: It’s here! It’s here! The stunt casting I’ve been waiting for is finally upon us… Britney Spears will be on How I Met Your Mother tonight. Panties and emotional stability are optional for tonight’s viewing. Let’s also hope her acting is better than her guest spot on Will & Grace.

FOX ““ 9:00 PM: My sources tell me that only 7 episodes of New Amsterdam were actually shot, so we’re nearing the end of the road for the run on this show. Last week John was able to hook up with the woman who might very well be the one soul that will make him start aging again… so where will it go this week? Oh yeah, there’s also a homicide investigation.

CW”“ 9:00 PM: Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious… um… what else do you expect me to recommend? The Robin Williams back-to-back films (Jumanji/RV) on Encore or Constantine on FX? I told you, it is pretty bleak out here.

TUESDAY

FOX ““ 8:00 PM: We’re finally out of Lennon/McCartney/Beatles territory on American Idol and the top 10 will be performing songs from the year of their birth. I’ll be the one in the corner drinking to try to ignore how old the song selections are going to make me feel tonight.

CW ““ 9:00 PM: A repeat tonight of Reaper presents one of the shows unanswered questions. What is on the page of the contract that Sam’s father put in the fireplace?

CBS ““ 10:00 PM: The aforementioned final episode of Jericho airs tonight. Grab a bowl of peanuts, sit back, and send it off right.

WEDNESDAY

TLC ““ 8:00 ““ 10:00 PM: Sit back and watch in both amazement and horror as the Kate of Jon & Kate Plus 8 yells at and berates her husband. I am constantly amazed at how much she lets loose on this guy.

HST ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight on MonsterQuest the monster of choice is the Skunk Ape. I am only bringing this up because I wanted to type Skunk Ape. I also imagine a giant ape with Amanda Overmyer’s hair do (to soon?).

THURSDAY

NBC ““ 9:00 PM: It’s between the Brit and the Hick on Celebrity Apprentice tonight. I’m pulling for Trace Adkins if for no other reason than he brought the world Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.

CW ““ 8:00 PM: Purportedly Kara will teach Clark to fly tonight on Smallville in order to fight Spik…er… I mean Braniac. If this is true I can only say IT IS ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME!

FRIDAY

TNT ““ 8:00 PM: The touching tale of a man and his volleyball plays out tonight on Cast Away. This movie will make you swear off flying, and possibly carbs after you see Hanks in the latter part of the film.

ENCORE ““ 8:00 PM: The Rock for me is one of life’s guilty pleasures.

SATURDAY

AMC ““ 8:00 PM: Everything you need to know in life you can learn from watching The Godfather. “˜Nuff said? If you really want to write off the evening you can also take in The Godfather, Part II right after.

SUNDAY

AMC ““ 5:30 PM: If you didn’t make it through both films last night you can watch The Godfather, Part II tonight instead. Don’t say I never gave you any options.

HST ““ 7:00 PM ““ 10:00 PM: It’s an Ax Men triple header tonight, giving you a great opportunity to get caught up on this amazing show.

ABC ““ 8:00 PM: It’s a two for one deal tonight when the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition team rebuild the home of a single mom as well as the families “adopted” grandma next door. I hope you have an extra box of tissue handy.

– Will Wilkins did not harm any animals in the writing of this column.