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Happy Thursday, everybody and hang in there…the week’s almost over!!! Welcome again to my (by which, I mean, Mr. Smith’s) little slice of the “internets,” a slice that we like to call Music for the Masses. How ya’ll doing? Well, I hope. Me? Why, I’m doing better than Brittany or Lindsay in re-hab, by which I mean, I still have my hair, my skivvies and my dignity. However, I must admit, I am a bit concerned that my body appears to be rebelling against my latest bout of “partying” by taking this innocuous, seasonally-colored beverage…

green 3-22-07

Shane McGowan’s breakfast… lunch… dinner… snack…

…converting it quickly to piss by a process I think the scientific community calls “piss-mosis,” and forcing my body to rapidly expel it in mighty, prolonged bursts like this…

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Tell me the truth, friends… do you think it’s a problem that I’m still pissing green almost a week after St. Patrick’s day? Seriously. I’m scarred about this colored, explosive piss-thing and a bit un-nerved that I’m getting solicitations, now, from the Bellagio in Vegas to be a part of their “Fountain Show©.” I’m even more un-nerved that I’m actually contemplating taking the gig. Well…whatever. Tell you this, though, and you can take it to the bank… that is the LAST time I drink green beer on St. Patty’s day AND get serviced at a $10 Glory Hole in an inter-state truck stop.

But enough about all that, cherished friends, for we have some sweet new music to check out. This week, we have a review of the cheery new release from Modest Mouse, We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank, Double A checks in with the latest from Hieroglyphics and J.D. graces us with his presence.

Sound like fun? Well, hows about we find out?

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Artist: Modest Mouse

Album: We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Sounds Like: A band that I should have been paying a hell of a lot more attention to instead of surfing the net for nude pictures of Jodie Sweetin from Full House…after she grew up, you sick fucks.

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you people. Up until I sat down to whip up this “review,” I didn’t know a whole hell of a lot about Modest Mouse. Sure, I’d heard of them. I remember that song “Float On,” I remember hearing that the lead singer, Isaac Brock, is a shitty drunk and that the man-god, Johnny Marr, had joined the band. But outside of those meager details, I didn’t know jack shit about these guys. So…I did what any person in that position would do and broke out the computer for a little research. Four hours later, dehydrated and nursing a sore wrist from viewing Malaysian Monkey porn, I entered “Modest Mouse” in the old, faithful search engine and here’s what I learned:

For starters, did you know that you can get banned for life from Disney Land® for being an “Immodest Mouse?”

wow 3-22-07

If you listen close enough, you can hear Walt’s head crying little, frozen tears.

How about fans of Eek-A-Mouse being almost twice as likely as other reggae fans to be caught boarding a plane with a baggie of Jamaican Haze shoved up their ass? Talk about some stinky bud!! HEY OH!!

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Did you just pull dat weed out your ass, mon?

And, after chasing down some Mighty Mouse links for another idea I had, I discovered that I actually have a strong, sexual attraction to anthropomorphic mice chicks. Isn’t self-discovery fun?

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“Here I Come…”

Don’t get me wrong, I mean I still love bustin’ nut to the Betty Rubbles and Kim Possibles of the cartoon world, but now, as far as I’m concerned, nothing, and I mean nothing, can beat (no pun intended) a smokin’ pair of hot little mouse titties.

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Mmm, hmm… that’s what I’m talking about. Now bend over and squeak for me.

Of course, I learned a bunch of shit about Modest Mouse, the Issaquah, Washington-based band that has been belting out alt rock since 1994 (See, learned that shit there, I did!), too, such as they have a distinct dislike for Dead Heads, Blender Magazine named them as one of the “25 Reasons to Love 2007″ and Isaac Brock has a 3 nipples and an un-descended right testicle…okay, the last one came from some douche bag’s blog, so take it for what it’s worth. But, hands down, the most important thing I discovered about this band is that I absolutely LOVE this latest disc of theirs, We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank. Seriously. In fact, if it had a fuck-able orifice, I’d marry it. Let’s see them pull THAT quote and slap it on the front of the disc!

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When Gap ads go bad.

The thing I like most about this new disc, that je ne sais quoi, if you will, is the unmistakable and prevailing “fuck you” attitude. Isaac Brock is one pissed off dude (at radio stations, the fans that called him a “sell-out” after the success of “Float On” and life, in general) and he wants you to know about it. That’s why it was such a brilliant move to bring in Johnny Marr to “lay down the happy” under Brock’s tortured, and mostly non-sensical lyrics. Hell, Marr was doing the same thing with Morrisey back when Brock was still pissing his Pampers® and sniffing glue behind the local Shop’n Go… or something like that. Of course, it would have been nice to have something on this album that screams “Holy Statutory, Batman! That’s Johnny Marr!,” but that’s me just being a picky bitch.

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Quirky and purposefully dense bands like Modest Mouse live and die by their ability to weave melodies and hooks into the bizarre tapestry of their music and, in that regard, Modest Mouse is living “high on the hog” with this disc. Case in point, the discs opener, “March Into The Sea,” starts as an off-kilter, jarring and bombastic romp but by the time the chorus hits, BAM!!…you have a nice little melody. 30 seconds later… BAM!!… your back wading through shit. However, by the second track, with its Franz Ferdinand earnestness, Brock and gang hit their stride and string together some of the tightest, most interesting and entertaining tracks that I have heard on a disc since Kidz Bop 9. Way to go, kids!!! That mother fucker was off the hook!!!

kidz

The fact that albums like this exist is proof to me there is no God. This and Sanjaya from American Idol.

Again, there is not a weak track on this baby, but the album highlights for me are the tracks “Parting of the Sensory,” which sounds like it’s being sung by Mr. Garrison from South Park before devolving into an Irish folk stomp, the sure fire hit “Florida” that features some really cool backing vocals from the Shins James Mercer and the moody and slowly simmering “Little Motels.” This is a top shelf disc, folks, and I honestly can’t recommend it highly enough.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and do a little more research on whether or not you get banned for life from Disney Land® for doing this…

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In case you ever wondered why his voice is so high.

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doublea-m4m

hiero 3-22-07

I’m going to confess something here, and I hope you all don’t get too upset. This album, Hieroglyphics Over Time, has absolutely nothing to do with the Wu-Tang Clan. I know, I was as shocked as you. Never fear though, next week I should be back with the brand new album from Redman, so you’ll be able to get your Tang fix then. Now, back to the subject at hand. Over Time was somewhat of a surprise to me, as I didn’t know that it was coming out. Hieroglyphics is a group of rappers that I really don’t know much about. I do know though that one of my favorite rappers, Del the Funky Homosapien, is a member of the group and that in and of itself was enough to get me excited about this album. I gotta admit, even though this isn’t a Wu-Tang project, this is a damn fine album. I do have a few gripes, but we’ll get into that a bit later.

For an album that is a B-sides/ unreleased/ remix collection, every song on this album is good, and I can honestly say that there are no tracks that I automatically reach for the “skip” button. The thing about Del, and the rest of the Hieroglyphics crew, is that the raps just seem smarter. You don’t get the typical raps about fuckin’ bitches and poppin’ caps in punk asses. I’m not saying that those are bad topics for rap songs, it’s just refreshing to hear something new and different. Del is one of the most original rappers out there, and he shows it on the rhymes that he spits on this album. Picking the best song on this album would be like trying to decide which one of your short and curly hairs to pluck out first. You don’t want to have to do it, so anyone you pick is just as good as the one next to it. Off the top of my head, if you’re looking to sample some songs from this album, I’d say give a listen to “Soundscience” from the Souls of Mischief and “Battle of the Shadow” from Del and APlus.

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My one and only gripe for this album comes on the remix for the Del song “Phoney Phranchise.” The song itself is great and sounds a lot better than the original, but as I was listening to it I noticed something. The damn song is edited. What the fuck is up with that? I call bullshit. There is no reason that this song should be edited as every other fuck and shit on the album is there in its full, four letter glory. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

It’s good to see a “new” release that includes Del, and this album only makes me want his long awaited cd 11th Hour even more. Hopefully it will see release at some point this year. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and pick this album up.

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chair 3-22-07

Reverb… with J.D.

If you read last week’s MFTM, you know that MC called me on the proverbial carpet for leaving him hanging with no Reverb. It’s true, but I had a good excuse…involving booze and a blonde, buxom waitress who used to be a flight attendant for TWA. I’m not even kidding–T.W. F*ckin’ A!! So ultimately I called him up and said (in my best Spicoli voice) “Sorry, Mr. Hand, I just couldn’t make it to class.”

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JD had a gnarly excuse for missing last week’s column

Now, chances are half of you don’t know who Spicoli is…or maybe even what TWA is for that matter. A reader who called himself only “N8 Dogg” wrote to me after my Patrick Swayze column saying, “Dude, cut it out with the 80’s references already. Nobody cares about your stupid nostalgia for that lame-ass decade.” And as much as that stung, I know that N8’s got a good point. These are the Double Oughts, after all! So just for him I started wearing my jeans around my ass with my hat cocked sideways, and I began experimenting with ‘cutting’ myself—to let out the pain, of course, but also to get in touch with today’s generation (As it turns out, cutting is actually a lot more fun, and less dangerous, than our 80’s release/pastime of hanging ourselves with a belt while masturbating…kids are just so much smarter these days!)

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Catching Up With Modern Fashion

AND, to top it all off I recently went out and saw one of those ‘Modern Rock’ bands—Snow Patrol—that the youngsters love so much these days. When I first got the invite to go to this show, I got really excited because I thought it was Taylor Hicks’ band…talk about a chance to view the world through the eyes of a young hipster! Alas, as it turns out the name of that band is “Soul Patrol,” and my ‘American Idol’ aspirations were dashed.

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Wrong Band Name, But This One’s Just For You, N8 Dogg

Nonetheless, I was still excited for the concert….it was reportedly Sold Out that night, and at a cool venue here in Denver (The Fillmore Auditorium). Plus, I didn’t know any of their music and was eager to see what the fuss was all about, as well as to see the accompanying ’scene.’ I must admit though, I was halfway anticipating a suck-a** show, based solely upon the band’s lame name. Because sometimes you can just tell that a band is a pukey, flash-in-the-pan just by their name, can’t you? Think “Fastball” for instance. You knew they were never going to have a hit again. Same with “Brad,” and more recently…”Fall Out Boy” (Anyone who disagrees with me regarding these last-mentioned douche bags, I’ll take $20 bets that they aren’t doing sh*t in five years. Who want’s some action??)

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On Tour Now: Fall Out Boy, sponsored by Massengill!

Anyway, Snow Patrol met my expectations in some cases, and exceeded them in others. I figured the crowd would be amped for their hits, and disengaged during the rest of the filler. Which was essentially true…you could tell people were waiting around for the five or so ‘big’ songs by the band. But the weird thing was that the crowd was essentially disengaged even during the hit songs. For the duration of the show, there was very little dancing, fist pumping, or even palpable excitement shown by the crowd.

I also expected that most of the music would sound the same…the local ‘modern rock’ station that was promoting the show refers to itself as “Area 93.3″ (ooooooooh……radical!) and most of the sh*t they play sounds exactly the same. Heavy guitar riffs and trumped-up angst sung in monotone voices rule the airwaves….it’s quite depressing. And while it’s true that most of Snow Patrol’s songs sounded exactly like the ones that preceded it, it was clear from the outset that this band has some real musical chops. In fact, a majority of the songs flat out rocked…which made the crowd’s lack of enthusiasm all the more puzzling.

When it was all said and done, I was glad to learn that I had generally underestimated Soul Patrol. They put on a solid show, if not one that I would necessarily clamor to see again. But all in all, it was a nice foray into the younger generation’s scene. So thanks for having me, kids! I’d stick around, but I’ve got to get going now. I’ve got a double date tonight…with a TWA stewardess and a belt.

auto

Autoerotic Asphyxiation: It’s Not for Kids!

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

NEW MUSIC RELEASES… 3/27/07

ARTIST

TITLE

GENRE

FILTHY THIEVING BASTARDS I’m A Son Of A Gun

ALT

ANTELOPE Reflector

ALT

LET’S GO SAILING The Chaos In Order

ALT

POKEMON Pokemon X - Ten Years Of Pokemon

CHILD

GOOD CHARLOTTE Good Morning Revival

N/A

EVERYTHING AT ONCE Everything At Once

POP

GOJIRA The Link

POP

GRANT-LEE PHILLIPS Strangelet

POP

MIKA Life In Cartoon Motion

POP

TIMBALAND Timbaland Presents Shock Value

POP

TODD CAREY Watching Waiting

POP

TOUSSAINT MCCALL Nothing Takes The Place Of You

POP

HEATMAKERZ The Rush

RAP

J RAWLS & DECLAIME It’s The Dank & Jammy Show

RAP

J. FLEXX Billboard Dreams

RAP

KILLAH PRIEST The Offering

RAP

MESSY MARV / MITCHY SLICK Messy Slick

RAP

OMNI Batterie

RAP

PRODIGY Return Of The Mac

RAP

SPANISH FLY Crimes Of Agony

RAP

THA DOGG POUND Dogg Chit

RAP

THES ONE Lifestyle Marketing

RAP

BRIAN AUGER Reinforcements

ROCK

CHE ARTHUR Iron

ROCK

CLUTCH From Beale Street To Oblivion

ROCK

DAPHNE LOVES DERBY Good Night, Witness Light

ROCK

KLAXONS Myths Of The Near Future

ROCK

MACHINE HEAD The Blackening

ROCK

MADINA LAKE From Them , Through Us, To You

ROCK

NIGHT KILLS THE DAY The Study Of Man

ROCK

HACRIDE Amoeba

POP

KAZZER Broke

POP

KOLDBORN The Uncanny Valley

POP

PRETTY THINGS, The The Pretty Things

POP

RUBINOOS, THE Everything You Ever Wanted

POP

SHINER Making Love

POP

STERNS, THE Sinners Stick Together

POP

Well, there you have it, my friends. Have a good one and we’ll see you next week. Until then, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!!

Send photos of your favorite cartoon babe, review copies, assorted hate mail and sundry presents to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

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