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Welcome, my friends, to another steamin’ pile of Music for the Masses. How the hell are ya’? Doing well, I hope. Of course, when people ask ME that question, I just say that I’m “hangin’ loose, full of juice and ready for use” because a) it’s true and b) I’m what some might call “a dude.” Now, if you’re not “a dude,” I would caution you against the use of this greeting. Trust me on this one… it sounds creepy coming from a girl. Kind of implies you just got done with Kobe “The First 8 Inches Were Consensual” Bryant, slam dunked Shaq and are looking to complete the hat trick by having me toss my “hot dog” down your well-traveled hallway. Know what I’m saying? Like they say in those Verizon commercials… “Can you hear me know? However, to keep it fair, ladies, I’m going to give you your own snappy greeting. So, next time somebody asks “how the hell you’re doing?,” fire back with something classy like “I’ve got it tucked tight, outta sight, so buy me more drinks if you want to see it tonight.” Shhh… I know. You’re welcome.

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No… the statute of limitations on “Kobe Jokes” is not “up.” Sorry.

But enough about all that, my friends, for we have a couple of choice selections to check out today. That’s right, our proverbial plate is piled high this week with a huge, tasty slice of ShitDisco and, thanks to Double A, a big-ass portion of Fratellis, ladled with love and a gentle hand. Oh yeah, and for dessert, J.D. serves up…well, not a goddamned thing. Thanks, J.D.!! So, in his place, I’m running a picture of J.D. in his “tight pants,” a picture of him having sex and a recipe for homemade bolgna. Sound like fun? Well, how’s about we find out?

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Artist: ShitDisco

Album: Kingdom of Fear

Sounds Like: A bunch of kids waving glow sticks while “trancing” to Franz Ferdinand.

I’m not sure if any of you have ever been in a band, but believe me when I tell you that, hands down, one of the most FRUSTRATING parts about being in “THE BAND” is naming the goddamned thing. Sure…it sounds easy, I know. But, inevitably, you’ll have one guy in the band, more than likely that damn drummer, who’s not on the same page as the rest of you and will torpedo ideas faster than you can bury Anna Nicole…umm, wait a minute. Scratch that one. Bad analogy. Whatever.

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What I’m trying to say is, naming a band is tough. And not for lack of trying. See, I’m the kind of guy that is continually thinking up band names, even during the most mundane of tasks, and believe me when I tell you that I’m giving these guys fucking gold on a daily basis. Don’t believe me? Allow me to illustrate. Just the other day, as I was getting serviced by a hook…I mean, my girlfriend…I thought it would be cool to name the band either “Jack MayOff and the Gentle Rubs,” “Knob Goblin” or “Sperm Burglar.” Later, as I was taking a shit and reading the latest issues of “Jumbo Jugs,” I thought to myself, “hey, self, how about we name the band ‘Turtlin’ or, even better, ‘Droppin’ Dueces?’” For fuck’s sake, people, I can even get solicited by the Special Olympics (thanks for the mailing labels, guys!!) and came up with smokin’ band names like “Special Ed and the High Fives,” “I’m With Stoopid,” “The Glee Club” and “Helmet Head and the Puddin’ Packs.” See? Like I said, solid fucking gold. Of course, my band won’t use any of these but $20 I just gave names to next year’s Grammy winners. “And the award for best new artist goes to…I’m so nervous…The Glee Club!!”

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That could have been me there in the back… second from the left… apparently with my thumbs up the asses of the guys in front.

But alas, that drumstick wielding bastard wants something that’s “family friendly,” “marketable” and “looks good on a marquis” and generally hates everything that I come up with. Go figure. Yeah, whatever pal. I have one word for you…ShitDisco.

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ShitDisco, attempting to “swirl” the world’s largest glow stick.

No, not as a name for our band. You see, ShitDisco is already the name of a band and they are the hottest thing to come out of Glasgow since Franz Ferdinand and, umm, single malt scotch which, I don’t care what anybody says, tastes like gasoline poured over charcoal. But I digress. ShitDisco also pretty much shoots my drummer’s naming notions right in the ass.

Darlings of the Glasgow house-party/rave scene, ShitDisco is a fun, little band that deftly combines their various influences (disco, punk, pop and funk ) into a cheeky, energetic and confident assortment of tunes. Their U.S. debut, Kingdom of Fear, which features the groups U.K. singles and a handful of new tracks, is packed with hook-heavy songs, vigorous and angular guitar riffs, disco-influenced drums and intriguing tempo shifts. If you are looking for an approximation of the sound here, think Franz Ferdinand meets The Talking Heads. Hey…fuck off…I said “approximation.” Jeez.

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The entertaining-to-annoying ratio on this disc definitely favors the entertaining, but be forewarned that the album looses steam as it goes. The one notable exception being the second-to-last track, the buzzing, Devo-esque “OK.” Other disc highlights include the U.K. quasi-hits “Disco Blood,” “Kung Fu,” “Reactor Party” and, for me at least, the bombastic, staccato attack of “72 Virgins.” Overall, I found this music kind of hard to wave a glow stick to while I was all hopped up on X, but it’s still a damn good time and if this is what those English and Scottish kids are “raving” to now, bully for them because this is some damn good shit.

But don’t take my word for it. Hop on over and check out a couple of ShitDisco’s better tracks at www.myspace.com/shitdisco. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to go practice with my band…The Bald Brittany’s.

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Yikes! It appears that Billy Corgan has REALLY let himself go.

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Let’s start with a little quiz, shall we?

The Fratellis are:

A) Double A’s favorite new rap group consisting of members of The Wu-Tang Clan and The Wiggles.

B) Some Scottish band who has been around for a few years but is finally making the jump to the States via an iPod commercial.

C) A damn fine pizza place in my home town.

D) A sexual maneuver requiring a tub of raw cookie dough, a slotted spoon, three “little people” and a bottle of 1000 Island Dressing.

If you said B you are correct. If you said C, you are half right (the pizza place is called Fratelli Brothers) and if you guessed A or D, you’ve been reading my diary and I’d appreciate it if you would stop. If you guessed E) The bad guys from the movie Goonies, you get 15 extra dork points.

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As I said, The Fratellis are a band from Scotland who originally released the album Costello Music in September of last year. The only problem with this release was that it was only available “across the pond,” as those uptight Brits like to call it. But then a funny thing happened. In January, those crazy kids at Apple decided to use the band’s song “Flathead” in their new iPod commercial. The song took off, as did the popularity of the band. Now, a scant six months after its initial release, Costello Music is finally available here in the states. And I gotta tell you, this is one of the finest albums I’ve picked up in a long time. Fo’ Shizzle.

The thing that makes this album so damn good is that it is full of energy. If you were to twist my arm, or promise me a box of cookies, I’d say that these guys sound a bit like the Artic Monkeys, but have even more of a frantic, “punk-esque” quality to them. Every song on this album is great and gets you moving, it doesn’t hurt that most of the songs also have great hooks in them, as evident in the first two singles “Flathead” and “Chelsea Dagger.” But the songs don’t rely on the hooks to be good, as some bands think they should.

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Costello Music is a damn fine album and I heartily recommend it to anyone who likes music. Unless you like country music. Or death metal. Or rap. Or blues. Ok, let me put this another way. If you like good, high tempo rock/punk music pick this album up. It is well worth the time and money spent. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got a couple of “friends” coming over and I need to get the dressing to room temperature. Peace out.

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Reverb… with J.D.

Since J.D. is pulling a “Studio 60,” or, if you prefer, a “no-show” this week, I thought that I would “save his place” by posting a picture of a hot chick and J.D. wearing a pair of what I will call, for lack of a better term, his Lance “BassMaster’s”… because, they… umm, look like jeans you’d wear when you’re “fishin’ for dudes”…

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That’s it, J.D.!! Wiggle the worm!! WIGGLE the worm!!!

I also thought that it might be nice if you folks at home got a seldom-seen peek at J.D.’s “home life.” So, here’s a picture of J.D. and the “missus” playing a game of “Bury the Bone…”

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And, because you are OBVIOUSLY bored enough to have read this far, I thought you might enjoy a recipe for homemade bologna…

Homemade Bologna

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Description:

Beef bologna with a delightful garlic and smoke flavor

Yield: 2 rolls/3 lbs

Ingredients:

3 pounds ground chuck (80% lean)
3 Tablespoons Morton’s Tender Quick
1 Cup water
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1 1/2 teaspoons Liquid Smoke

Instructions:

1. Combine all ingredients and mix well.

2. Roll into two logs. Wrap in plastic wrap and put in refrigerator for 24 hours.

3. Remove plastic wrap and place logs on greased pan. Bake for ½ hour at 300 degrees Fahrenheit and then 2 ½ hours at 200 degrees Fahrenheit.

4. Allow to cool; store in refrigerator. Slice with sharp knife to desired thickness. Serve with cheese and crackers, or on a sandwich.

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Preparation Time: 15 minutes

Cooking Time: 3 hours

TRY IT!!! IT’S J.D.elicious!!!!!

NEW MUSIC RELEASES… 3/20/07

ARTIST

TITLE

GENRE

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM SOUND OF SILVER ALT
RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS, THE DON’T YOU FAKE IT (DELUXE ED) ALT
CIRERA, DANIEL HONESTLY; I LOVE YOU *COUGH* ALT
FOREIGN ISLANDS RESTART NOW! ALT
PONYS, THE TURN THE LIGHTS OUT ALT
A NORTHERN CHORUS THE MILLIONS TOO MANY NOT LISTED
BEATLEJAZZ ALL YOU NEED NOT LISTED
BENEA REACH MONUMENT BINEOTHAN NOT LISTED
CALLAHAN, BILL DIAMOND DANCER NOT LISTED
CASTING CROWNS CASTING CROWNS NOT LISTED
CYANN & BEN SWEET BELIEFS NOT LISTED
DENVER GENTLEMEN INTRODUCING THE DENVER GENTLEM NOT LISTED
DISTANCE MY DEMONS NOT LISTED
DJ T. BODY LANGUAGE VOL. 2 NOT LISTED
EARTH HIBERNACULUM NOT LISTED
EATS TAPES DOS MUTANTES NOT LISTED
ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA BALANCE OF POWER NOT LISTED
EL-P I’LL SLEEP WHEN YOU’RE DEAD NOT LISTED
EVERYDAY PROCESS EVERYDAY PROCESS NOT LISTED
EVIDENCE THE WEATHERMAN LP NOT LISTED
FANE, JULIAN OUR NEW QUARTERS NOT LISTED
FUNERAL FROM THESE WOUNDS NOT LISTED
GOMEZ, ROBERT BRAND NEW TOWNS NOT LISTED
GOOD SHOES THE PHOTOS ON MY WALL NOT LISTED
HUBBARD, FREDDIE SUPER BLUE NOT LISTED
I’M FROM BARCELONA LET ME INTRODUCE MY FRIENDS NOT LISTED
IN THIS MOMENT BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY NOT LISTED
INFIDEL I, OATHBREAKER NOT LISTED
INNOCENCE MISSION WE WALKED IN SONG NOT LISTED
INTELLIGENT HOODLUM SAGA OF A HOODLUM NOT LISTED
J DILLA RUFF DRAFT (2XCD) NOT LISTED
JONES, CHELONIS R. DISLOCATED GENIUS NOT LISTED
KARIZMA A MIND OF IT’S OWN NOT LISTED
KEMP, ROSE A HAND FULL OF HURRICANES NOT LISTED
KING BRITT DEEP AND SEXY 4 NOT LISTED
KING KONG BUNCHA BEANS NOT LISTED
KLUGH, EARL ULTIMATE EARL KLUGH NOT LISTED
LAWS, HUBERT AFRO-CLASSIC NOT LISTED
LIV KRISTINE DEUS EX MACHINA NOT LISTED
LOST EDEN CYCLE REPEATS NOT LISTED
LUSINE PODGELISM NOT LISTED
MASON, WILLY IF THE OCEAN GETS ROUGH NOT LISTED
MASTERPLAN MKII NOT LISTED
MODEST MOUSE WE WERE DEAD BEFORE THE SHIP EVEN SANK NOT LISTED
MYSTIC CIRCLE THE BLOODY PATH OF GOD NOT LISTED
NAILED A PURE WORLD IS A DEAD WORLD NOT LISTED
ONSLAUGHT KILLING PEACE NOT LISTED
PANDA BEAR PERSON PITCH NOT LISTED
PANTALEIMON CLOUDBURST NOT LISTED
RADICAL FACE GHOST NOT LISTED
RED KRAYOLA SOLDIER TALK NOT LISTED
RTX WESTERN XTERMINATOR NOT LISTED
SAPAT MORTISE AND TENON NOT LISTED
SIRENIA NINE DESTINIES AND A DOWNFALL NOT LISTED
SJ ESAU WRONG FACED CAT FEED COLLAPSE NOT LISTED
SWALLOW THE SUN HOPE NOT LISTED
TAYO FABRICLIVE 32 NOT LISTED
TEAM EMBASSADOR SYSTEM OVERLOAD NOT LISTED
TEST SWITCH ISOLATOR LET’S DANCE NOT LISTED
THORN, TRACEY OUT OF THE WOODS NOT LISTED
WEISS, MARY DANGEROUS GAME NOT LISTED
WELCOME SIRS NOT LISTED
ZODIACS GONE NOT LISTED
STONE, JOSS INTRODUCING JOSS STONE POP
BIG D & THE KIDS TABLE STRICTLY RUDE ROCK
BUTLER TRIO, JOHN Grand National ROCK
DAATH The Hinderers ROCK
DRAWING VOICES DRAWING VOICES ROCK
ELECTRA, JUSTINE SOFT ROCK ROCK
ELLIOT YAMIN Elliott Yamin ROCK
HAIL SOCIAL MODERN LOVE & DEATH ROCK
HASTE THE DAY PRESSURE THE HINGES ROCK
Hot Rod Circuit The Underground is a Dying Breed ROCK
JESSE MALIN GLITTER IN THE GUTTER ROCK
JOY ELECTRIC OTHERLY OPUS, THE ROCK
KARLZEN, MARY THE WANDERLUST DIARIES ROCK
LAND OF TALK APPLAUSE CHEER BOO HISS ROCK
LEO, TED AND THE PHARMACISTS LIVING WITH THE LIVING ROCK
LOCUST, THE NEW ERECTIONS ROCK
LOW DRUMS AND GUNS ROCK
MCCARTHY TRENCHING MCCARTHY TRENCHING ROCK
OTHER MEN WAKE UP SWIMMING ROCK
PIERCES, THE THIRTEEN TALES OF LOVE AND REV ROCK
The Snake, The Cross, The Crown Cotton Teeth ROCK
THE TOSSERS Agony ROCK
WIESE, JOHN SOFT PUNK ROCK
WILLOWZ CHAUTAUQUA ROCK
ZINCS, THE BLACK POMPADOUR ROCK
Friends Of Rock-n-Roll, The The Friends Of Rock-n-Roll POP
LOST IN THE TREES Time Taunts Me POP
MAN OF SORROWS Man of Sorrows POP
POISON ARROWS Straight Into The Drift POP
STERLING Cursed POP
VANDEEVER Grace & Speed POP

Well, there you have it, my friends. Sorry for the “shortie,” but please be sure to tune in next week as we check in with the latest from Modest Mouse amongst other things. So, until next week, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!!

Send your Amish Bologna recipes, review copies, assorted hate mail and sundry presents to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

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