If you are old enough to remember when Eddie Murphy was a living, fertile, reigning deity of comedy in the 80’s, then you probably feel much the same as I. We go about doing the important things in our insignificant everyday lives while that microscopic drunkard/elf that lives in our heads reminds us how Murphy is close to terminally-pathetic these days, joined of course, by Steve Martin destroying his funny bone and comedy-cred by badly aping off the great Peter Sellers. Wesley Snipes is now Direct-to-DVD (and imprisoned right?). Meanwhile, the biggest non-nostalgia-fueled action star in Hollywood’s diminished arsenal seems to be the Encino Man. The headlining names of yesteryear are almost completely faded into the abyss (Odd choice of words”¦since Ed Harris still gets work.) Never did I realize this more then when I saw the DVD for the film Felon on new release lists across the net.
A few months back I was catching At The Movies where Richard Roeper gave a pretty negative review of the new Direct-to-DVD flick Conpsiracy, starring Val Kilmer. Slight twinges of awkward questioning arose in me. Val Kilmer is doing Direct-to-DVD now? I brushed it off as merely some MAJOR MOTION PICTURE that got buried by the studio like so many do. That had to be the only explanation for such a huge star being found in such an unworthy media release. Having no desire to see Conspiracy, I moved on. Cut to a week ago when I see another DVD release for a Kilmer movie, Felon, on an upcoming DVD release website. I had never even heard of this film, and found out it was relegated to video release as well. I have at this point seen neither Felon nor Conspiracy. However, the realization of Val Kilmer doing B-movies fell atop my cranium like a bag of severed bear balls. Val isn’t A-list anymore? Was he not just in the amazing triumph that is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? Isn’t Mr. Kilmer still on top?
Much to my dismay it turns out that he isn’t on top, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, no matter how awesome it may have been, was a financial failure at the box office. Also it seems as though the year is 2008, miniature things called iPods can hold a zillion times more music then a Juke Box, and Ronald Reagan is no longer the commander and chief. Not to sound like a broken record, or more appropriately ““ a corrupted mp3, but I’m not the type of guy that likes to accept change very much, sometimes not even noticing it happening before me. Somewhere along the underside of a decade, Val Kilmer has slowly lost his way. I have no clue as to why. Perhaps it was bad choices or the endless rumors about him being an eccentric, hard-to-work-with jerk.
In Mike Nelson’s extremely inspiring and brutally hilarious book Movie Megacheese, he touches on Kilmer being “difficult,” and how undeserving he is of such an attitude. Well, while I fully love Mr. Nelson and his genius commentary, I have to disagree. Val Kilmer was, once, one of our great mainstream method actors. The recently released Tropic Thunder does a terrific job of spoofing eccentric method acting via Robert Downey Jr’s character of Kirk Lazarus who, much like Kilmer, is actually a very committed and gifted thespian with a big enough ego to think he can actually become someone else. Sure, an eccentric man of method acting might have an attitude, but is it not worth it if they deliver? On more then one occasion, Val Kilmer has put out well-crafted, polar-opposite performances in close proximity, some of them more-than-Oscar-worthy. He was admittedly a “pretty boy” to some degree, and an awful Batman to no real fault of his own, but that never stopped him from always delivering on a deep and wide range of talent throughout several iconic films. Yet, I’m not condoning his “jerkhood” or blaming it for his Direct-to-DVD downfall.
Looking back on his rather impressive (well the first half anyway) resume of films, I would venture to guess that his career started to jump the shark, nuke the fridge, rape the camel et cetera somewhere around Red Planet, which seems to be the last big project before everything turns into independent, small-release work. I am surprised at how surprised I am”¦I honestly didn’t realize he was on the B-list. I was recently reminded by a good friend about his cameo in the monument-to-unfunny that was The Love Guru, something I actually had blocked out of my mind. Was that Val Kilmer’s attempt to come back in the spotlight? Perhaps it was just a passing gig for his friend Mike Meyers, who ironically also reminded me in one fell swoop (swoop = The Love Guru) how much the mighty have fallen. So, as a part of my mourning for Mr. Kilmer’s once-rich career I
want to look back, in user-friendly list form, at my top-five Kilmer movies chronologically.
- Top Secret! (1984)
Spoof films are dead. Period. I refuse to even discuss their modern state. It is just too painful”¦especially when looking back on a genius piece of comedy filmmaking like Top Secret!. This, of course, is Val Kilmer’s major motion picture debut, Weird Al Yankovic’s favorite movie, and in my humble opinion. the only spoof film to ever rival Airplane! or Blazing Saddles for the number one spot. Not only does this movie showcase the ZAZ team (Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and David Zucker) at their absolute peak, but it is one of the most inventive and cleverly-made comedy films ever. From the underwater fight scene, to an entire choreographed scene shot in reverse, to the genius opening Beach Boys parody song, Skeet Surfin’, there are scant few comedies, or even films, that can tout such inventiveness and effort. A parody of WW2 spy films and Elvis movies, Top Secret! starred Mr. Kilmer as Nick Rivers, an American pop singer who ventures to Germany and gets mixed up in an anti-Nazi rebellion scheme. Much unlike today’s spoofs, it has it’s own plot, characters, and works completely alone without any outside knowledge of pop culture, recent product placement, and a working knowledge of People Magazine (Damn! I said I wouldn’t talk about it! MEET THE SPARTANS WAS ABYSMAL!) It’s a great movie – shot, directed, and acted with the utmost care for the story and most importantly, the jokes. Top Secret! was made with just as much skill, talent, and effort as any “serious” film, which is sadly how it USED to be.
Much like Tom Hanks, I think most “young’uns” today don’t realize that Val Kilmer started off his career as a comedic talent. All truly great actors can do comedy, making people think you are serious is nothing compared to making them laugh. Kilmer, as Nick Rivers, is extremely charismatic and completely sharp with his line delivery. So sharp in fact, it is rather surprising that it’s his first film. I’ll admit I don’t know the back story to how Kilmer came about getting this gig, but I would assume that it was his ability to sing and dance like Elvis Presley. Kilmer lends his vocals to almost every song in the movie and very well at that. However, if they hired him for his moves and his voice, what ZAZ might not have realized was Val’s gifted comedic timing. This is best showcased in the romantic scenes versus Hillary his love interest, where almost every line spoken between them is enough to crack up even the coldest fish in the room. Also, not to accuse, but rather to ponder, I’ve always wondered if Kevin Smith paid homage to Top Secret! in his wonderful, almost semi-spoof film, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. To jog your memory, there’re two scenes in JASBSB where the characters break the fourth wall and look at the audience, the first in which Will Ferrell says that the plot sounds like that of some bad movie then looks at the camera. This is completely similar to a Top Secret! scene in which Val Kilmer, speaking to Hilary, completely rehashes the plot of the movie verbally and she responds with “It all sounds like some bad movie,” and they look at the camera. I will just assume that great minds think alike.
- Real Genius (1985)
This film is 1/3 of what I call the William Atherton 80’s Asshole Trilogy (Ghostbusters, Die Hard, Real Genius. He was Peck from Ghostbusters“¦he has no dick.) If it was the 80’s, and William Atherton was an asshole in your movie, then it was probably a great film. Directed by Martha Coolidge, written by film comedy greats Neal Israel and Pat Proft, and shot by genius cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond (Deliverance, The Deer Hunter, Close Encounters of the Third Kind) Real Genius is a landmark of 80’s style coupled with timeless humor.
It’s easily Kilmer’s best comedic performance, only edging out Top Secret! and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang by a small margin. Almost every line spoken in this film is endlessly quotable, especially those that derive from Kilmer’s witty yet oddly dry demeanor. Kilmer plays Chris Knight, a college student and one of the top ten minds in the country, yet a completely laid-back, weird kind of guy. Chris Knight as a character is one of the great comedy icons of my generation, underappreciated very much so, but he is smart, zany, but not zany enough to be overblown, thus dating his relevance and wearing thin. Kilmer’s role is a completely spirited portrayal of a real-life sarcastic, wisecracking, pal that any of us could actually know. He’s never “crazy” for crazy’s sake. He doesn’t walk into a room and knock stuff over or yell loud, profane things at will. He is a muted wit, hilarious and weird in almost all that he says, and he tries just little enough to make it all the more funny. When he does have an outburst, it’s earned in the scene or by the character he is addressing. Great writing and a very skilled actor all make this so. There is never a doubt that he isn’t an actual genius; all his actions, even his jokes are spoken for a reason. I might seem a bit deep, or rather pretentious regarding the character, but this film is such a pitch perfect blend of humor, writing, and delivery that it saddens me that I can’t say much the same for anything new in recent memory. It’s a truly unsung comedic performance.
- Willow (1988)
Hands-down, Madmartigan is the greatest character that Val Kilmer’s ever played. Note how I didn’t say it was the best performance. I’ve never understood why Madmartigan isn’t held right up there in the cult hall-of-fame alongside other great geek favorites like Bruce Campbell’s Ash, Kurt Russell’s Snake Plissken, or even say”¦Robert Englund as Freddy. Sure, Madmartigan isn’t the main character of his movie, but he is so damn cool, funny, in over his head, and classically simple with just a hint of morbid asshole charm. As much as I do enjoy the Lord of the Rings to a moderate degree, Ron Howard’s 1988 George Lucas-conceived “flop” Willow is a hundred times better. And yes, I even prefer the special effects and the use of real little people. It’s an all-time favorite, and criminally underrated. I compare LOTR and Willow not because they both dwell in the epic fantasy genre, but rather because, unsurprisingly, Lucas seemed to be stealing from Tolkien (apparently he couldn’t obtain the rights to The Hobbit,) just instead of a ring it was the “fellowship of the baby,” not to mention, Madmartigan could kick Aragorn’s ass no contest. Perhaps Madmartigan would have been more upheld if Willow made serious money and they made a full length spin-off for his character. I would be all for it, but not in 2008; they would just destroy it now. Only within 5 years of Willow‘s release would it have worked. One day maybe enough fans will rediscover Val Kilmer’s great cult character and give Madmartigan the Ash/Evil Dead-esque love he deserves. He is after all…the greatest swordsman who ever lived.
- Tombstone (1993)
Probably one of the all-time greatest Oscar snubs is Val Kilmer not getting nominated for his portrayal of Doc Holiday in George P. Cosmatos’s Tombstone. I know I can’t be alone in thinking this. They will give Johnny Depp a nod for his effeminate, witty, sexy, cool, egotistical Jack Sparrow, but when Val Kilmer does the same thing, much better, a decade earlier as Doc Holiday”¦nothing. If anything, Kilmer’s performance is more “legit” in presumed Academy guidelines; it’s based on a historical figure and is a serious, tragic story. Jack Sparrow is based off an amusement park ride and runs around screaming in a borderline family-fantasy film. It’s possible that people just prefer pirates to cowboys”¦I guess. Tombstone is most certainly one of the best “modern” westerns, alongside Unforgiven. It’s a superb film, it has an excellent cast (Chuck Heston, Kurt Russell, Bill Paxton, Sam Elliot, Michael Biehn), great action, beautiful music, cinematography, and a stellar career-defining performance from Val Kilmer. Once again his sly, comedic delivery shines here, but it’s more the just that. Almost everything Doc says in this movie is delivered with a modicum of mortal fear; you can tell he is a dying man by looking at his demeanor and his eyes just as much as you can from the sickly perspiration dripping off his face. Kilmer plays holiday as an eccentric, speaking about his own death whilst staying cool and still having enough verve to fight and stand up in the face of anything. He is a messy ball of sweat, withering away from tuberculosis, the entire film. However, that never detracts from how much of a joy it is to watch every moment he’s on screen. I consider this to be the best performance of Val Kilmer’s career, beating out his portrayal of Jim Morrison just barely.
- The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)
Please don’t destroy me for this one, I can explain. The reason this made it to my Kilmer top five is simply because it’s my favorite Val Kilmer movies. True Romance, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Heat aren’t really specific vehicles for Kilmer. God help me, I like this movie much more then The Doors as well. It’s easier to watch if anything. In no way is Kilmer’s role as Col. Patterson one of his best, but I think it was most certainly a memorable one. The Ghost and the Darkness is a much forgotten gem, critically panned I believe, based on a true story about rare man-eating lions that “haunt” the building site of an African bridge and kill more then 100 workers. I’ve read that it’s a pretty accurate account, except of course, for the character of a world famous hunter named Remington (played with some nice grizzled “badassery” by Michael Douglas,) who was created solely for the script. Kilmer plays a gentle man, something we don’t normally see from him as he is usually exerting a morbid social oddity. Col. Patterson’s only aim is to build a bridge connecting “worlds” together. Kilmer plays him with little ego, and a believable absence of any heroism, hence making it all the more powerful when his hand is forced”¦yeah yeah, it’s slightly generic. It’s a starring role for Val Kilmer, yet I put it on the list more for the film as a whole.
This is a TBS Saturday afternoon movie all the way. The kind of flick you watch while you are eating or trying to fall asleep”¦except this one just happens to be really, surprisingly, good. Pretentious critics be dammed. It’s directed by the often underrated Stephen Hopkins, maker of many great TBS type movies (Predator 2, Judgment Night, Blown Away) and shot absolutely beautifully by Vilmos Zsimond (mentioned above for Real Genius.) The shear glory of Africa is caught in the lens for this flick. Whip me all you want, it’s a great looking movie. It is hard to classify it as either an epic or an action movie, but it most certainly takes its cues from Jaws. As much as I hate to say things like this, it’s Jaws with claws, even down to the method of hiding the lions from the audience until halfway through the film. In fact, some of the shots of the lions themselves are so haunting, and the attacks are so vicious, that it’s more of a horror film then anything. However, what shines most in the movie is the late Jerry Goldsmith’s score. Music so perfectly adapted to the film it was written for is rare, yet Goldsmith goes above and beyond here. The movie itself is extremely well shot and edited”¦but you add in the amazing score and it takes it up to another level. If you hated Val Kilmer, I would still urge you to watch The Ghost and the Darkness only for the amazing music; it’s that good. Why this film was ever panned so badly I will never know. My guess is that much like Waterworld for Costner, this was when people and critics just naturally started saying, “FUCK YOU VAL KILMER!” because they got sick of seeing an actor too many times annually. It was the year that we also had to endure Kilmer in the hilariously bad, yet entertaining, Island of Dr. Moreau remake. How could anyone truly hate that movie? It birthed such a wonderfully hilarious South Park character.
Honorable Mentions
Top Gun – Kilmer was Iceman. There was an extremely, and awesomely, homosexual volley ball scene. Kilmer did that random jaw-biting motion in Tom Cruises face. It’s frickin’ Top Gun. Enough said.
The Doors ““ Perhaps his second greatest performance. Even if you love or hate what Oliver Stone did with the movie, it is still a marvel of method acting.
True Romance ““ You never see his face, but he is the second greatest fake Elvis ever. The first being his Tombstone co-star Kurt Russell.
Heat ““ Great film, Val Kilmer is more on the sidelines with this one, but still manages to give a killer performance.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ““ Cool flick that showcased two previously lost talents and only gave the public back one. Perhaps Kilmer needs to be in a comic book movie to revive his career”¦oh wait”¦
Note: The following films are not mentioned only because I have yet to view them. However, I hear Kilmer gives pretty stellar performances in most or all of these:
– Pollock
– Wonderland
– Spartan
– The Salton Sea
