TOKYO – Ever fight the urge to puke your guts up when staring at the magazines along the supermarket checkout?
The sensation nearly got the best of me last week when I was stocking up on Throwback Mountain Dew. There was Todd Phillips the director of The Hangover sucking face with Paris Hilton. Why? Why would he do such a thing with such a thing?
Why should I care?
Back in the ’90s, I met Todd through our mutual friend John Pierson. We were the bad boys of Pierson’s Split Screen series. Both of us had upset the executives at IFCTV. He for his love of porn king Seymore Butts. My troublemaking involved scenes of highway deaths, live birth and the gassing of puppies. I enjoyed Todd since he ran the NYC Underground Film Festival and made the documentary about G.G. Allin. He was f’n hardcore in a Film Threat way. Once when he and John were in Raleigh, I bought Todd a beer at a bar. I felt good for his success that came from his chance meeting with Ivan Reitman (Ghostbusters) on a snowy Manhattan street. I didn’t even complain when his shooting of the Wedding Chapel scene stopped my Deuce bus in Las Vegas. Although we thought it was a CSI shoot.
I was a starving film student living on Top Ramen and tuna. But I didn’t mind breaking the bank to pick up the round of beers for him and John. It was a warm memory of cold goodness. Now that Paris’ friends are swearing that Todd might be her future husband, I feel cheated. I’d rather have bought a beer for Stalin, Bucky Dent or CarrotTop.
Why would he be seen in public with her? She’s last decade’s Khloe Kardashian. Maybe some hickish goofball that made an infomercial would be impressed with her in the passenger seat. Todd’s a bigger name than her when it comes to a paying crowd. He’s worth more than her with his Hangover paydays. Her latest reality show tanked. Her time on talkshows is excruciating. There’s nothing beyond her mug shots.
Perhaps Todd can’t get enough of her droning on about how she’s a hard worker. Or maybe her thrilling tales of days inside jail when she felt like a criminal. Or how about memories of her last boyfriend taking the rap for the accidental cocaine that was in a purse that she swore wasn’t really hers. Who wants to take a felony rap for her? She’s like a rental moped at St. Barts. No matter what you imagine, you’re kissing a lot tourist ass on her leathery cheeks.
How could Todd have done this? I would been more understanding if he had been busted for cornholing the rotting corpse of Bea Arthur. What man couldn’t understand the urge to be an Excitable Boy?
I wandered out back to my Beautiful Mind shed to contemplate the abyss. After hours connecting magazine articles with string and breathing in rubber cement,
the truth hit me. Todd Phillips that drank my beer isn’t the Todd Phillips that sucked Paris Hilton’s face.
What really happened on the legendary snowy night when Todd shouted to Ivan Reitman that he was a better filmmaker than Robert Simonds? The myth is Ivan set up a meeting with Todd and thus Road Trip was born. But that’s part of the mystery. How can Todd Phillips go from Hated and Screwed to making mediocre Hollywood comedies? It’s not even like he makes big dumb Hollywood movies to pay the bills and small subversive projects to feed his soul. He’s all about the mindless popcorn chuckles. What did Ivan Reitman do to Todd during the meeting? I think the answer is obvious: Ivan Reitman killed, dismembered and ate Todd Phillips.
It’s a well known rumor that Ivan Reitman into eating people. How do you think he was able to capture such realistic scenes in Cannibal Girls? What do you think happened to John Candy? Afterwards Ivan realized he’d dined on the wrong guy since people would notice Todd Phillips being dead with teeth marks on his skull. So he hastily found a replacement: Philip Todd, a major Hollywood weasel who dreamed of turning Inch High Private Eye into a Bruce Willis blockbuster. This is kinda what the Beatles did after Paul McCartney was murdered by Orson Welles in a Hamburg brothel. It’s Philip Todd that’s cranking out Due Date and Starsky & Hutch. It’s Phillip Todd that’s a Red Bull and vodka lover’s Shawn Levy. Philip Todd doesn’t mind partying with Paris Hilton cause he doesn’t have any aspirations other than being a major Hollywood phony. He’d date a Teen Mom if it meant the lead at TMZ.
I feel bad now about buying Todd Phillips the beer. I should have smashed that bottle over his skull and saved him from the fate of being replaced by Philip Todd. If only there was a Hot Tub Time Machine, I could have prevented his Paris Hilton fate.
Did you know you can also use rubber cement as an adhesive?
KIDS GO CABLE
Doug Block’s The Kids Grow Up demonstrates how fast kids grow up. On the verge of his daughter leaving for college, Block pieces through video of her life to ponder their relationship over the years. The documentary has been showing on HBO lately. Here’s a little chat I had with Block at 2010’s Full Frame Documentary Film Festival in Durham, N.C.
SCREW THE ACADEMY
The Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences has extended membership to Russell Brand. They want him to be an Oscar voter. Why? What exactly has this Mighty Boosh wannabe done in cinema to be worthy of such an honor? Was it his playing himself in Get Him to the Greek? Or maybe it was dragging Helen Mirren through that painful remake of Arthur? Or how about his voice work on Hop?
Let’s put this into perspective: The Academy refused to let Rodney Dangerfield join. They didn’t think Rodney’s career was up to their standards. Rodney made golf cool in Caddyshack. Is there a better film about an old guy going back to college than Back to School? What about Rodney’s turn as the molesting father in Natural Born Killers? He knew how to play creepy. He wasn’t a one note performer. And yet the Academy told him to go away.
Now they extend a membership to Russell Brand? The only career accomplishment he’s done is get Katy Perry to marry him. But because he’s British, Russell must greater than Rodney as a movie actor.
As long as Russell Brand votes for the Oscars, I’m not watching. If even they invited me to host, I’d wear a blindfold so I could maintain my promise not to actually watch the ceremony.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Better Off Dead in Blu-ray means Curtis Armstrong in 1080p. Sure most people will claim this is a John Cusack film, but Curtis makes the film. Cusack gets dumped by his high school girlfriend and everyone wants a shot at her. He can’t deal with the despair. He’s Mr. Glum even with his best friend being Curtis. The only thing that slaps him almost out of it is a cute French foreign exchange student. She’s stuck with a family that feeds her french fries and french dressing. There’s plenty of weird jokes including how Cusack’s younger brother uses the mail to upgrade his life. Writer-director Savage Steve Holland was denied Oscar glory in 1985 when Better Off Dead was released. Does anyone care about Out of Africa anymore? Or Color Purple? But you’ll be howling at the weirdness when you bust out the Blu-ray of Better Off Dead. Unlike the John Hughes films, this movie improves with age. Why? Cause Curtis Armstrong rules the screen. His instructions on how to ski the K-12 are legendary. “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn,” he says. The transfer looks so good that you’ll want to have $2 to pay off the paperboy. Did you know that Slash from Guns N Rose stole his hat look from Curtis?
CORMAN CORNER
Roger Corman’s Cult Classics: Streetwalkin’ reminds us that Melissa Leo didn’t start out a middle aged actress. Like so many major stars, this year’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner for The Fighter got her start in the Roger Corman universe. She was a fresh face that found a lead role walking the streets of Manhattan. She and her brother get tossed out of their father’s house. They take the bus into the Big Apple only to find that mom doesn’t want them either. Luckily she meets a guy at the bus station and he’s got a job for her that doesn’t require too much experience. She takes well to being a hooker and putting money in her man’s pocket. She works the area around Time Square before it became a TGIFridays. One of her corner pals is Julie Newmar (Batman‘s Catwoman). She’s an older woman looking to save up enough to retire. Newmar looks good working in her lingerie. Another one of Leo’s co-stars is Khandi Alexander. They team up to torture a submissive businessman. The duo would reunite 25 years later on HBO’s Treme. Trouble happens when Leo’s pimp tangles with Antonio Fargas (Starsky and Hutch‘s Huggy Bear). Things get good and violent on the street when the pimps battle. The cool thing is that while this is a low budget Corman film, they really did shoot around Time Square. This isn’t a couple establishing shots and the rest of production made at the lumberyard in Venice, CA. Melissa Leo struts around the real streets of Manhattan in her pumps. Streetwalkin’ is a classic of the ’80s hooker flicks.
O TIBBY
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MST3K Vs. Gamera – XXI is the boxset that only the extremely optimistic fan thought would ever be legally released. Why wouldn’t these five episodes of massive turtle action remain off the schedule? Because both distributor Sandy Frank and Daiei Motion Picture Company were upset at MST3K poking fun at their beloved rubbersuit superstar. Frank was extremely pissed off at all the jokes about him. But with the optimism of a kid called Kenny with a baseball hat, MST3K Vs. Gamera has arrived. Gamera starts the series as a bit of a Godzilla tale of how nature hates being trashed by man. Gamera Vs. Barugon is the non-kid storyline about greed, mega Opals and monsters. Barugon shoots a rainbow of death out of his back. Gamera Vs. Gao is the first one I ever saw. A Rodan-like flying reptile attacks a town in the Japanese countryside. He fires lasers from his mouth. This is when the movies focused on the kid angle. Gamera Vs. Guiron makes the kids meet weird lady aliens that have a sword headed monster terrorizing their planet. Gamera Vs. Zigra makes the turtle battle a monster that can transform from a spaceship to a swordfish. It’s as warped as it can get. This allows Joel and the Bots to go wild mocking the weirdness. For those upset that this is another non-Mike set, let it be known that Mike Nelson gives his legendary performance of the Gamera theme song. Here’s a clip of it.
Now you can buy all eight Showa era Gameras and the five MST3K episodes from Shout! Factory. If only Godzilla could have such completeness to its classic films. The boxset comes in a fancy tin box. If you order from Shout! Factory’s wesbite, they’ll throw in a pack of Gamera postcards and an MST3K stress ball. Shame they don’t throw in a few tissues so you can wipe up the tears at the beauty of Tom Servo singing to TIbby the turtle. There’s lots of bonus features including a history of Gamera, the Chiodo Brothers and the MST Hour wraparounds featuring Mike Nelson as Jack Perkins. MST3K Vs. Gamera deserves a place of honor in your house.
DVD SHELF
Conan the Adventurer: Season One animates the daddy of fantasy fiction. They toned down Conan for Saturday morning. No longer is he a great thief that slaughters folks and loves the ladies. He’s not even an orphan. He’s a nice kid trying to free his family after they’re turned to stone by Serpent people. Even his pals aren’t so cold blooded in their attack methods. One is an actual prince and the other is a circus performer. They’re all well mannered. Since it’s a cartoon, they have a talking animal character. This time we get a magical bird that lives on Conan’s shield. This kinda makes this less tough than the books and Arnold’s live action movies. All 13 episodes from season one are featured on 2 DVDs. Watch this with your favorite polyhedral dice.
Melrose Place The Sixth Season, Volume Two brings to an end the penultimate season. Amanda (Heather Locklear) gets involved in a nasty plane crash. The tenants put together a search team to come after her. There’s a lost love return from the Iraq war to haunt a resident. Michael gets screwed on his practice thanks to a drunk woman. It doesn’t help when he goes nuts at a stripclub. Amanda and Kyle keep up their plans to get married. There’s a lot of people wanting to bust up their nuptials. They must have spread the rumor of a cash bar at the reception. The mystery daddy nearly gets exposed by one pregnant resident. How can there only be one last season to go? There’s so many questions. The 12 episodes are spread over 3 DVDs. With the upcoming demise of SoapNet, you’ll be wanting to create your own Melrose Place marathons for the weekend.
Dennis the Menace: Season Two continues the comic page fun from 1960. Jay North brought the character to life in his striped shirt, overalls and iconic haircut. This was the salad days for the series with the show understanding itself and the kids still looking like kids. Puberty hadn’t destroyed the childish fun. “Out of Retirement” gives Mr. Wilson (Joseph Kearns) a chance to go back to his old company. What makes the choice hard is gig will be in Pittsburgh. He seems eager to flee Dennis (Jay North). Can the boy do the right thing and make the old guy stay? “Dennis and the Ham-pher” reminds parents to make sure your kids buy the right pet. He thinks he’s raising a hamster, but it’s a gopher. Big difference. “Paint-Up, Clean-Up Week” is another classic tale of Dennis doing too much to improve the neighborhood. “The Christmas Horse” proves a pony isn’t a great holiday gift. Kearns keeps up the crotchety nature to Dennis’ well meaning mayhem. There’s 38 episodes in this collection. Season 3 will be released on Oct. 25. They only made four seasons before the kids grew up.
Comments: None
Leave a Reply |