BURBANK — Chat Fatigue is coming.
Forget swine flu (or H1N1); Chat Fatigue will be the sickness that will overtake millions this fall. The group most susceptible to this are NBC viewers. Now that Jay Leno will be taking over the 10 p.m. slot from Monday to Friday (starting Sept. 14) on the Peacock network, viewers will get four hours of people sitting behind desks and talking directly to the camera.
Can the average viewer really handle going from Leno to local news to Conan O’Brien to Jimmy Fallon to Carson Daly? How many guys in suits and ties sitting behind a desk do you want to experience after an 8 hours of work day with guys in suits and ties sitting behind desks? They’re all going to stare at you through the boob tube and jibber jabber. Kinda like the doofus with the desk next to you at work.
Each of the four comic hosts will be mining the same news events for their opening monologues. It will resemble a network version of telephone as they give us a variation on the same punchline. Is it going to be funny by the time Carson Daly mutilates the humor with his tweaked out stare? These four shows will be doing their hardest to rotate the same batch of guests promoting the same movies or TV shows. And they’re all going to be talking and saying the same stuff until it blurs in your brain. That’s when Chat Fatigue takes hold.
You’ve suffered from it before on a local level. You know that moment where you’re eating dinner with people only your pal knows and everyone is talking to you, but they’re talking about stuff that doesn’t include you? At some point you’re sick of hearing them blather about stuff that has so little to do with your reality. You either zone out or escape to the bathroom. That’s Chat Fatigue. And that’s what might happen to the average NBC viewer. Odds are high they’ll just pass out on the sofa with the remote in hand.
What’s strange is how NBC will resemble MSNBC with people sitting around desks and discussing the same topics for hours on end. The only difference is that MSNBC mixes it up with a few Lock Up marathons. Did you know this year’s toilet wine will feature a touch of smoke flavor thanks to a pack of Pall Malls being dumped in the bowl?
I’m not going to predict doom and gloom for Leno. Odds are he’s going to be a bang for the buck sensation for NBC. He’ll attract the crowd who are bored by C.S.I.: Pismo Beach or screaming pundit shows. The person who has the most to fear from Leno is Conan O’Brien. He’s already in a heated battle with David Letterman. After a decade of Tonight Show domination, Dave’s been winning the overall numbers lately. He won two weeks with repeats against freshly baked Tonight Shows. Conan is holding onto the prized demographic group with a slim margin. But part of Conan’s audience are Leno fan holdovers. Will they really want to watch Conan after they get their 10 p.m. Leno fix? Will they sit through the entire local newscast or turn off the TV and go to bed after getting tomorrow’s weather update?
Conan hasn’t been endearing himself to Leno’s crowd. His interview style is rather bland. He’s always claimed he does a comedy show that gets interrupted by guests. His recent talk with Bill Maher made the Harvard alumni look like he’d graduated Aversion U. The man should just stick to asking guest, “What’s your favorite cheese?” He received the ultimate kiss of death when my mother told me that she can’t stand Conan. He’s doomed. Don’t worry about Jimmy Fallon moving up to the 11:35 slot. He’s lucky to have outlived Chevy Chase’s talkshow career. In a perfect world, NBC would have Rob Riggle waiting in the wings to take over Conan’s show. But a perfect world wouldn’t have allowed Jeff Zucker to take over NBC-Universal.
Conan shouldn’t be the only person fearing the axe. This season will be marked by The Leno Line. Any series on ABC and CBS that scores lower than Leno for two consecutive weeks will not be aired the third week. It’ll be the ratings equivalent of being lapped by the stoner geek with asthma in junior high P.E. Nobody will be pleased to barely beat Leno. It’ll be trounce or be bounced for the rival shows.
Is America ready for 4 hours of talk, talk, talk, talkshows? I predict they’ll go to bed early so they can wake up to 4 hours of The Today Show.
IT’S GOTTA BE TRUE
Did you know that if a family of four that buys their groceries at Whole Foods swaps over to Piggly Wiggly, they’ll save enough money in year to pay for their health insurance? I was told this fact by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.
GOOD VICK PICK
How are we really supposed to know when Philadelphia Eagles fans are booing Michael Vick for his dogfighting past versus him being booed because he’s on the field in Philly? These people boo at funerals if they think a pall bearer is a step off. They’ll boo a pregnant woman for losing her water. So Vick won’t have anything to fear about the reaction from Eagles fans. They’ll just boo him. It’s when they cheer for you in Lincoln Field that you have to be nervous that they’re ready to turn against you.
TICKET TO RIDE
I should be pumped up about the Beatles Rock Band game. The animation recreations of the Fab Four over their career look amazing. They’ve made the plastic instruments to resemble their weapons of choice during the British Invasion. This is almost a dream come true for a Beatles fiend. Will I be the first in line at Box O’ Electronics this 09-09-09 at 9:09 a.m.? Will I be forking out big bucks to join the revolution?
Nope. I can’t enter the world of Rock Band. No matter how cool it seems, what’s the point of being a dork punching buttons on fake instruments. Even David Duchovny looks like a goober playing Guitar Hero on Californication. It triggers youthful memories of playing a tiny plastic Banana Splits guitar except now there’s scoring involved in my faux music moments. I’d be addicted if the game involved going back in time to prevent John Lennon from meeting Yoko Ono, locating the corpse of the real Paul McCartney or Pete Best ultimate fighting Ringo Starr. Maybe I’ll give into this craze when they release Rock Band Leonard Cohen. I’ll max out on “Don’t Go Home With Your Hard-On.”
GOO-GO-GO
How many people sent Michael Jackson sperm to be shoved into turkey basters to create his family? Macaulay Culkin, the kid from Oliver, Jamie Leigh Curtis and Abe Vigoda are all rumored to have donated spunk to the cause. Jacko was getting more jizz popped for him than Gianna Michaels. The only person eliminated from the daddy pool is Michael Jackson. I’m starting to get worried if I completely wiped a toilet seat and could have contributed to the cause.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
M*A*S*H – Blu-ray brings Robert Altman’s masterpiece about Korean War surgeons of the 4077 to 1080p. This was the film that made superstars out of Donald Sutherland and Elliot Gould as Hawkeye and Trapper John. The movie takes us through their comic escapades to give them a brief rest from the battles raging around them. These were not John Wayne types patching up the wounded. Altman doesn’t let things get too bogged down. The film plays like a documentary as every one in a scene can come into play. Every one is wired for sound. The documentary feel gets reflected in the look of the picture. The hi-def image resembles the murky nature of the original 35mm print. The bonus features include a commentary track from the late Robert Altman. “AMC Backstory – M*A*S*H Enlisted: The Story of M*A*S*H Through the Lens” gives a decent history of the film that eventually became a TV sensation. There’s also “M*A*S*H Reunion.” This is a bit more rough than the TV show so it might upset the TVLand crowd. If you’re putting together a collection of great ’70s movies, M*A*S*H – Blu-ray must go on the shelf.
The Girl Next Door – Blu-ray gives definition to a rather lightweight film. Elisha Cuthbert (24) is a porn star who moves next door to Emile Hirsch (Speed Racer). He falls in love with her, but she has issues with such things. Now the film is unrated but that doesn’t mean you get to see any topless moments of Elisha. She’s pure tease on the screen. That’s just wrong. You play a porn star, you have to at least drop your top to earn that unrated edition. This is one of those cute films that will allow you to use it on a date. The 1080p transfer would have looked a lot better if it’s been used to give high definition to more than naked, sweaty shoulders. There’s plenty of bonus features including “Making of A Look Next Door,” “Gag Reel,” “15 Deleted Scenes,” “Original Ending,” “Red Band GND Trailer “diRRTty” and “Sex Education” featurette. At least we don’t get more nudity from Speed Racer.
High Crimes – Blu-ray takes us back to a time when Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman ruled cinema as plucky youth and experienced elder. This movie has Ashley’s husband (Jim Caviezel) get busted by the FBI for a civilian massacre when he was a marine. Her only legal help is Freeman. But he’s a recovering alcoholic and the pressure might drive him to drink. It’s engaging military legal thriller from director Carl Franklin. Bonus features include “A Military Mystery,” “FBI Takedown in Union Square,” “A Different Kind of Justice,” “Liar Liar: How to Beat a Polygraph with Sue Ducett,” “The Car Crash” and “Together Again.” The 1080p transfers looks good. It brings out the glow in Ashley’s face that normally comes from Kentucky basketball wins.
Gladiator – Sapphire Series Blu-ray brings the Roman Coliseum action to Hi-Def in a way that makes you fear Russell Crowe is going to hack your head off. In case you haven’t seen the film or watched cable TV in the last 5 years, Crowe plays a Roman General who gets screwed over royally be the Emperor’s son (Joaquin Phoenix). Instead of going home after a successful battle, he’s sold into slavery. He becomes a big hit on the regional gladiator circuit. This leads him to Rome for a massive beatdown in the Colliseum. He plots revenge on Phoenix. It’s a Spartacus level Roman epic. The spectacle of the event looks fine on the Blu-ray image. Everything from the original DVD release has been brought over. There are new bonus features from the original DVD release. “The Scrolls of Knowledge” lets you watch short behind the scenes features while the movie plays. “Visions of Elysium Topic Portal” is an interactive way to footnote the film at various times. Gladiator is still a fine popcorn escapist afternoon matinee. Crowe has aged well when entering the arena.
Braveheart – Sapphire Series Blu-ray takes us back to a time when Mel Gibson was an outlaw who upset a nation. Instead of upsetting the Malibu police, Gibson was inspiring the Scottish nation while attacking England. He transforms into William Wallace, an inspirational leader from the 13th century. Mel has several major inspirational moments that get replayed plenty of times on arena jumbotrons to pull victory out of defeat. His blue faced battle cry of “Freedom” won Mel a directing Oscar. No need to say how his revolution ended except to say that in High-Def, you don’t want to get too close to the screen. Blood might splatter on you. The battles scenes are so vivid and face filling. You’ll duck under a sofa cushion to avoid getting plugged. They’ve created a new hour long documentary called “Braveheart: A Look Back” that’s in HD. “Dimensional Battlefields of the Scottish Rebellion” breaks down the actual battles like one of those History Channel specials. “Smithfield: Medieval Killing Fields” gives us a tour of the battlefields. This is an essential Blu-ray for anyone who embraces the plaid.
DVD SHELF
Important Things With Demetri Martin: Season One is a full show starring The Daily Show‘s Trendspotting correspondent. Demetri is the evolution of Steven Wright with the addition of an acoustic guitar and an easel with a large pad. He uses a slow delivery to sound profound. He’s got a special relationship with his Sharpie. The seven episodes play like Mind of Mencia with a mixture of his stand up in front of a studio audience and filmed sketches. Each show focuses on an Important Thing such as timing, chairs, brains and safety. He’s at his best when he’s looking innocent while doing stuff that would upset grandma. His time traveling character goes back to the time of Jesus so he can hook up with Mary Magdalene. You won’t be wanting to share this moment with the Pope or Bill O’Reilly. The bonus features include deleted sketches, a sticker and a tiny poster perfect for you veal pen office. Martin gives us the 21st Century version of Dave Allen At Large except he has all his fingers.
Animal Armageddon – Target: Earth is more than enough dinosaur action to hypnotize an 8 year old. The four 41 minute episodes takes us around the globe during prehistoric times. The CGI animation creates a realistic environment for the big lizards. This isn’t like the old Land of the Lost. Scientists explain theories about how life began on the Earth and how the Ice Age took out the dinosaurs. They do an outstanding job explaining various creatures and how they interacted. This includes how they attacked and ate each other. This is the perfect gift for the home schooled wonder who denies evolutionary principles.
Harper’s Island: The DVD Edition was a daring summer series since it promised to kill off most of the cast over the course of 13 episodes. There wasn’t an episode that didn’t feature a familiar face getting zipped up in a bodybag. It’s kind of like a homicidal version of Survivor. The victims end up on Harper’s Island as the guests for the wedding of Christopher Gorham and Katie Cassidy. And to think I complain about wedding receptions that only serve finger food. There were murders on the island seven years before so it’s kind of like having your wedding at Crystal Lake. For a series that didn’t do too well, there’s plenty of bonus features for those wanting to catch up on the body count action. CBS was creative with their promos. The Harper’s Globe webisodes are included.
Pooh’s Heffalump Halloween Movie: Limited Edition with Plush is this season’s gift to make you a popular uncle/aunt. Along with the movie comes a small Winnie-the-Pooh plush doll. He’s wearing a Tigger outfit. It’s extremely cute if you’re into small stuffed animals. The 65 minute movie has Roo introducing his pal Lumpy the Heffalump to the candy filled holiday. Tigger fills the Roo and Lumpy with nonsense of a wicked creature known as a Gobloon that comes out that night. If the Gobloon catches trick or treaters, they get turned into Jaggedy Lanterns. If the treaters nab the Gobloon, they get a wish. The duo have to hunt down the creature when Pooh eats all their candy. They need more sugar. Their adventure goes bad and the two wish for something better than sugar sweets. It’s rather educational for the little ones. The DVD-ROM portion includes a way to print out Pooh themed Halloween party invitations, BINGO cards and pumpkin carving stencils. Although odds are your kid will care more about the stuffed Pooh in the Tigger outfit than playing BINGO.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Complete Ninth Season is a transitional time for the Las Vegas crew. William Peterson’s steps back from the show. Who can replace the man from Man Hunter? Why it’s Laurence Fishburne. He looks right for the role, but it’s hard not to imagine him during a conference insisting people choose the red or blue pill. Peterson sticks around for the first third of the season. “Art Imitates Life” has a serial killer going around posing his victims just like an artist poses his models. Could it be the same guy? Before Peterson can take his time off the show, another cast member gets a casket shot for his departure. There’s no need to mention the name of this episode since it’ll give away what CSI member dies and who amongst them took the person out. Is that enough of a teaser without giving away the goods? “Leave Out All the Rest” brings back the S&M kink. “Young Man With A Horn” investigate a murder that involves Tippi Hedren (Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds) and Robert Guillaume (Benson). “A Space Oddity” is mom’s favorite episode of the season. She proceeded to tell me the entire show before I had a chance to watch it. Besides the death of a TV producer at a Sci-Fi convention, Wallace Langham (The Larry Sanders Show) realizes he could seriously bond with Liz Vassey. They even have a commentary track on this episode. The “Rats In Space” bonus feature also deals with this episode. The season does plays well even with the cast turnover. There’s a Blu-ray edition for those who adore crime scenes in 1080p.
CSI: Miami: The Seventh Season lets the blood flow under the palms. The previous season ended with the assignation of David Caruso on an airport tarmac. Was he really going to walk out on this TV series? Would Jimmy Smits be taking over the team? Well the answer is given that this shooting wasn’t all that it appears. Caruso wasn’t ready to kill another golden goose. Elizabeth Berkley (Showgirls) returns this season as his ex-lover and baby’s mama. “Won’t Get Fueled Again” takes us back to last year when gas was $5 a gallon. At a sheik white dress beach party, a man on fire bursts into a tent. It’s a fantastic burn stunt that you’ll watch in slow-mo afterward. The bonus features include “The Miami Sound Machine,” “New AV Lab” and “a few audio commentaries. You have to provide your own sunglasses to take off when Caruso uncovers his own peepers. Joel McHale on The Soup really knows how to recreate this signature move.
Criminal Minds: Season 4 is another visit with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. Thomas Gibson (Eyes Wide Shut) and Joe Mantegna (The Simpsons) run the procedural series. “Mayhem” resolves the season three cliffhanger when terrorist blew up a BAU SUV. What BAU was DOA in the SUV? “Minimal Loss” has them go undercover in a cult to check out claims of child abuse. Luke Perry gives another performance that rates up with his Oz turn. “Masterpiece” has them profile a serial killer that’s confessed to his crimes, but he’s still got an active killing. They’ve got to stop him. The serial killer is Jason Alexander wearing a wig stolen from Rick Wakeman. Wouldn’t have been great if the final episode of Seinfeld had George kill off the gang. There’s 26 episodes spread over 7 DVDs. The bonuses include a gag reel, deleted scenes and “Working the Scene” that gives us details on 11 episodes. Like NCIS, Criminal Minds keeps improving in the ratings.
Desperate Housewives: The Complete Fifth Season – The Red Hot Edition lets us catch up on the ladies of Wisteria Lane. There’s a lot more to gossip to grab this time since the season starts off five years after the last episode when Dana Delany (China Beach) shot her husband. The big addition to the show is Gale Harold. That’s right, Brian Kinney of Queer As Folk is now boffing Lois Lane (Teri Hatcher). Harold’s not in too many episodes since in the middle of the season he got into a motorcycle wreck. Nicollette Sheridan ends up married to Neal McDonough. That guy just exudes A-holeness on the screen. Is it possible to look at him for five minutes without wanting an excuse to kneecap him? Turns out he’s also got an unhealthy interest in Teri Hatcher. Who wouldn’t? The boxset contains plenty of bonus features to keep #1 fan Oprah busy. They have bloopers, deleted scenes and commentary tracks. The best of the apple basket is “Miss Piggy takes Wisteria Lane.” Only Miss Piggy looks like she’s had less work done on her face than a couple of the housewives.
Brothers and Sisters: The Complete Third Season reminds us how messed up the children of Sally Fields (Smokey and the Bandit and Tom Skerrit (Alien) would be. The Walker family seems to be an off shoot of the world of thirtysomething which makes sense since it stars Patricia Wettig. The daughters along with Calista Flockhard (Ally McBeal) and Rachel Griffiths (Six Feet Under). Griffiths becomes a single sister this season. Although she spends most of her freshly minted free time on her new business venture. Wettig is Skerrit’s mistress who has taken over the family’s business. It’s tense affair with sibling rivalries raging in Pasadena. The bonus features include letting us see a real family winery in Ojai. Nobody at the winery seems as messed up as the Walkers. There’s an intriguing interview with Fields and Wettig. Nice to see them out of character.
The Game: The First Season puts Girlfriends into the locker room by letting us meet the wives of pro football players. It’s kind of like The Real Housewives of Atlanta except without so much drama. Tia Mowry skips John Hopkins Med School to move out west with her wide receiver boyfriend. She quickly learns the game behind the game from the ladies that love the gridiron stars. It’s more female oriented than HBO’s Hard Knocks. It’s geared towards the folks that liked Girlfriends. This is the first of three seasons.
Bonanza: The Official First Season, Volume 1 & Volume 2 finally gives us a legitimate version of the Cartwright family saga. They were a family of a father Ben (Battlestar Galactica‘s Lorne Greene) and his three sons by different wives that died on him: Adam (Trapper John M.D.‘s Pernell Roberts), Little Joe (I Was A Teenage Werewolf‘s Michael Landon) and Hoss (Dan Blocker). Anyone ever figure out what really happened to these women? Why isn’t there C.S.I.: Ponderosa? Each volume contains half of the 32 episodes from the debut season. Volume 1 sets the series with “A Rose for Lotta.” Turns out the Cartwrights aren’t beloved by their fellow rich neighbors. The city folk are jealous of Cartwright’s forests on their 1,000 square mile ranch. Ben refuses to harvest the wood so they can use them for support beams in the nearby mines. He doesn’t want his land turned into a wasteland. He’s a greenie. The mine owners plot to kidnap Little Joe using the alluring trap of Yvonne De Carlo (Lily Munster). The ransom is the trees. This is a great looking episode with plenty of exterior work. The theater De Carlo performs represents the Virginia City Opera House that was really used in HBO’s Cathouse: The Musical episode. Lily Munster and Air Force Amy could have shared the same stage. When I visited the Bunny Ranch, the fictional land that would have been part of the Ponderosa was pointed out. Who could image two landmarks of TV would come from the land around Carson City, Nevada? “Enter Mark Twain” has the famed writer drop by as a snooping reporter. Volume 2 has “The Avenger” complete with NBC logo, sponsor moments and bumpers. Ben and Adam are set to hang for a murder. Vic Morrow (The Bad News Bears) is the mysterious man that arrives in town and controls their fate. “San Francisco Holiday” brings the superstar triple teaming of Richard Deacon (Lumpy’s dad on Leave It to Beaver), David White (Larry Tate on Bewitched), James Hong (Kung Fu Panda) and Tor Johnson (Plan 9 From Outer Space). Ben Cartwright get forced into the merchant marine when he walks into the wrong bar. The series was iconic for being the first Western in color. There’s lots of bonus features including vintage interviews with creator David Dortort. He explains how the iconic map of the Ponderosa is messed up. Both volumes will be available on the same day so you won’t have to wait to complete your season set. Weird piece of trivia is that Dan Blocker’s old house is now the residence of Rob Zombie.
One Step Beyond: The Official First Season is the series that inspired the Madness song. While some might view this anthology series as a Twilight Zone clone, the series debuted 9 months before Rod Serling’s journey into the unexplained and supernatural. One Step Beyond was hosted and directed by John Newland. The stories are presented as “what if it’s real” docudramas instead of straight fantasy. “Night of 14th” has a woman has nightmares about drowning and then her boyfriend shows up with a surprise. Patrick MacNee (The Avengers) gives a pre-John Steed performance. “The Dark Room” has Cloris Leachman (Young Frankenstein) working as a photojournalist in France. A male model spooks her bad. “The Aerialist” gives us a feud between trapeze artists that leads to a nasty accident. Mike Connors (Mannix) gets to fly through the air. “The Haunted U-Boat” has Werner Klemperer (Hogan’s Heroes‘ Col. Klink) in this World War II ghost story. He’ll want to see nothing before the 30 minutes are over. The 22 episodes on this set rate favorably against The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits. Truly a spooky show worth conjuring up.
Grey’s Anatomy: Complete Fifth Season, More Moments seemed to have as much drama on Entertainment Tonight as the actual show. Everybody kept waiting for the upset producers to finally kill off Katherine Heigl after she mouthed off about the writers with her “I’m a Movie star” attitude. T.R. Knight split the show before his contract ran out. The saddest part of the season wasn’t Heigl’s battle with cancer, but Brooke Smith (Silence of the Lambs) finally getting to join the main cast after two seasons in a recurring role. They made her the lesbian lover of Sara Ramirez. Somehow female doctor on female doctor action didn’t sit well with the devoted and she was sent packing before Christmas. There was rumors that the producers were going to “soften” the relationship by making it a threesome with a guy. That would have been a great Christmas gift. The DVD has extended episodes, deleted scenes and a Behind-the-scenes documentary on the 100th episode.
Private Practice: The Complete Second Season gives the Grey’s Anatomy spin-off a chance to grow after the strike shortened debut season. Kate Walsh thrives after she splits the hospital life for Oceanside Wellness Centre in sunny Los Angeles. There’s a touch of reality as the Centre seems to be struggling in this harsh economy. There’s fear of bankruptcy. But no matter how bad the financial crunch gets, Kate and her friends always have time for a good romp in the bed. Just cause she’s not on Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean she has to remain celibate like Marcus Welby. “Serving Two Masters” has two pregnant women who don’t know they share the same husband. This must happen a lot in a city with two NBA teams. There’s crossover action with Grey’s Anatomy so the devoted will have to buy both boxsets. The bonus features include deleted scenes, bloopers and a special piece on Audra McDonald.
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