MALL OF AMERICA, MN – Help me! I’m trapped in line at the Pottery Barn and if this line doesn’t move faster my coupon will expire. They don’t always have two-for-one pickle fork deals. Sometimes I need to two-fist my dills.
Remember when stores had this concept known as customer service? When the folks working the register actually registered you as a customer? Half the time when I push my cart up, the person behind the counter is chatting with a co-worker. They will blindly start scanning my stuff without looking me in the eye or stopping their conversation. The machine with the money inside is not a watercooler. Look at me. Say, “Hello.” We don’t have to engage in a deep intellectual conversation about what’s the deal with Britney. At some point in our time together, you’re going to ask for money. When I open my wallet, I want to know that I’m handing my cash to someone who can at least fake that our time together mattered.
I’ve run a cash register before. I don’t expect you to do anything that I haven’t done for customers. The only reason you should be talking to a co-worker during “our time” is to get a price check. That’s it. You do not answer your cellphone when you’re scanning my stuff. If it is an important call, you can call them back when I’ve picked up my bags and said, “Thanks.”You can say, “Happy Holidays” to me since there’s so many damn holidays during this season. I’m not going to go John Gibson on your ass. Odds are that the stuff going in my bag is for this year’s Festivus dinner.
I don’t want have to take my action to the self service checkout. You know what that means? Why do they need to pay you to be customer service when customers can service themselves? You get laid off. The deal is simple. Say, “Hello” and act like I exist and I’ll make sure that you don’t get replaced by a computer.
HAPPY DVDS
With your favorite shows sliding into reruns thanks to the writers strike and Broadway going dark thanks to the stagehands taking to their own picket lines, it’s time to check out the DVD shelf. There’s a trio of TV shows that have released their third seasons. “Three of the Third” sounds like a new series on Lifetime starring Heather Locklear. But I won’t discuss my ideas for that show since that might be construed as pitching scab material by the SWG. Don’t want Brett Meisner deleting my column.
Happy Days: The Third Season brought the first major change to the long running series. No longer would this show be about The Cunningham family dealing with American life in the ’50s. Happy Days transformed into The Fonzie Show…featuring The Cunninghams. The first episode sets up the major changes with the title “Fonzie Moves In.” They come up with a real lame excuse to have Fonzie take residence in the space above the Cunningham’s garage. Now Fonzie could hang out in their living room every night. In the first season Fonzie was a semi-mysterious greaser who occasionally bestowed wisdom on Richie. He filled in for big brother Chip (who was always off at basketball practice). In season three, Fonzie said he was cool, but he spent way too much time with nerds like Richie, Potsie and Ralph. Instead of being dark and brooding, Fonzie became a comic character in a leather jacket instead of a shady outsider.
It’s hard to condemn this move since it elevated the show to the top of the ratings chart. People wanted more Fonz and less hardware stories. America was glued when “Fearless Fonzarelli” aired as a two parter. Fonz fears he’s lost his cool so he decides to jump 14 garbage cans on a slightly altered version of the You Asked For It TV show. The first episode finished with the Fonz frozen in mid-jump. America feared for a week that he’d be killed. Those of us in elementary school who didn’t understand that networks don’t kill stars swore Fonz would bite the asphalt like Evel Knievel. In season five they would repeat this plot when Fonzie jumps the shark. The big bonus in the DVD set is “The Second Anniversary Special” which was a clip show from episodes early in this season.
Mission: Impossible: The Third TV Season is considered by most as the pinnacle of the series seven seasons. This was the final year for Martin Landau (Rollin Hand) and Barbara Bain (Cinnamon Carter). They split the show over a salary dispute since Landau was supposed to be paid the same as Peter Graves. This final season of the master of disguise and the supermodel didn’t kill the espionage suspense that had been building from the first two seasons. They were a crack team and the off-camera animosity didn’t seep onto the film.
Greg Morris needs to be hailed for his groundbreaking work in the role of Barney Collier. He changed the course of espionage shows. Before Barney, the gadget guru was always a dweeb in a white lab coat who merely demonstrated the weapons to the sexy field agent. They were clones of James Bond’s Q. Barney’s character ran Collier Electronics as his day job. Instead of devising devices and passing them on to others, Collier operated them on the mission. He did as much heavy lifting as strongman Willy Armitage (Peter Lupus). Barney was the father of McGuyver. There should be a since award given out in Barney’s name to those that can concoct and execute.
My favorite episode of this season is “The Execution” where they construct a gas chamber to get a mobster to make an execution room confession. “The Freeze” has them trick a prisoner into blabbing about his hidden loot by a cryogenic subterfuge. The schemes they have to pull on their missions go beyond the first two seasons. For those of you with a foul taste in your mouth from the Tom Cruise movies, let me assure you that a majority of their missions do not involve them hunting down rogue former-Impossible Mission Force members. If you have fond memories of Mission Impossible, this is the season to snag and rekindle the passion.
The Wild Wild West: Season Three delivers the penultimate round of adventures. The series twisted the western by giving us two Secret Service agents with James Bond style espionage gadgets and buttkicking. And James West’s butt was what brought the ladies to the show. Robert Conrad’s pants were designed by NASA. Even in a long shot, his tight pants are obvious. Artemis Gordon (played by Ross Martin) was a bit of a Barney Collier with his creation of gadgets, but the duo seemed to get most of their prime weapons shipped in from the geek lab in D.C. Artemis was more concerned with being a master of disguise.
There’s only one episode featuring the diabolical Dr. Loveless, but it’s a good one. Jim and Artemis arrive at a funeral for “The Night Dr. Loveless Died.” They have to go through a series of clues to uncover the small villain’s final plot. “The Night of the Samurai” has them encounter Khigh Dhiegh, best feared as Wo Fat on Hawaii Five-O. Conrad looks great working the sword. Toshiro Mifune’s ass never looked as good.
The Paul Lynde Halloween Specialwins an award for the cheesiest DVD release of the year. The special starts off with Lynde thinking he’s hosting a Christmas special so you can play it this holiday season. This is pure ’70s bad variety show with Lynde doing a musical sketch dressed as a trucker. Check out his Paul’s chest hair. He’s joined by two legendary witches and Billy Barty. The big reason people will be buying this DVD is Kiss as the musical guests. Paul jokes about what their name really means. This should be essential holiday viewing with Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.
ENOUGH OSMONDS!
During a musical number in the Paul Lynde Halloween Special, Donny and Marie Osmond make a surprise cameo. Why is it that I can’t turn on the TV without seeing Donny and Marie? She’s on Dancing with the Stars. He’s always on Entertainment Tonight. They were Larry King and Oprah. There’s rumors that they might get an offer to revive the Donny and Marie Show.
Let this be a showbiz lie.
Recently I rented The Best of Donny and Marie to refresh my childhood memories. This 2 DVD set promised 4 episodes. But each episode was sliced in half. This should have been a single DVD. The editing was disappointing, but ten minutes into the show, I was relieved that it would be ending soon. How was I entertained by this show? The sketches were corny. The music selections were worse than American Idol. Why did I panic to get home in time to see the show? Like everyone in the ’70s, I must have been on huge amounts of drugs. There’s no other excuse.
While people might complain about the number of reality shows clogging up TV, this nothing compared to the torture dished out in the ’60s and ’70s in the guise of variety shows. While there were exceptions (Dean Martin and Paul Lynde knew how to ham it up), the variety show is best remembered and not revived. These things were written by the same schmucks that scratched out the witty exchanges given at award shows.
YOU’RE TIRED!
After Donald Trump bragged about all the A-List talent that was going to be calling his hotline to take part in Celebrity Apprentice, the sourpuss billionaire announced the 14 Superstars.
First off, how did he get Omarosa? She didn’t even come close to winning in her first attempt. Jeopardy doesn’t have a “Mediocre Former Players Tournament.” He got Big Pussy from The Sopranos. Will he last longer than his tenure on Dancing with the Stars? Marilu Henner from Taxi.Shouldn’t she be praying for the salvation of Shemp’s soul? Stephen Baldwin? He’s the nutty Baldwin brother. That doesn’t narrow it down for you? He’s the Baldwin brother who loves being on Fox News. Model Carol Alt was hot property in the early 80s.
Gene Simmons took a break from being A&E’s superstar! Hopefully him and Trump will have a prick off. What’s longer, Gene’s tongue or Trump’s combover? Odds are all his projects will involve a Kiss logo and topless girls in thongs. How is Nely Galan, who had something to do with The Swan, considered a celebrity? We’ll all be amazed to see Olympic gymnastics gold medalist Nadia Comaneci three decades after her glory. Trump couldn’t land Mary Lou Retton? There’s country singer Trace Adkins. He sticks out since he has an active career as a performer. Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon will attempt to impress the judges with her cleavage. We’ll know if Ivanka Trump is a wild girl by following her eyeline when she dresses down Tiffany in the Boardroom. Olympic softball gold medalist Jennie Finch will hamburger helper her career by switching to reality TV. “America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will try to prove he’s not a Simon Cowell wannabe. Does Piers have talent?
Heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis has found another excuse to duck a rematch with Klitschko. Another battler on the show is UFC’s Tito Ortiz. Has he won a match since I learned his name? Will Jenna Jameson help him out on challenges? Why didn’t she get chosen? She’s a star. Although she might be lined up for a very special season of Nip/Tuck.
These are 14 celebrities you can lock down when you need star power to open a Chuck E. Cheese in Las Vegas. Trump was promising Oscar winners and Headline makers. He was talking crap about wanting Rosie O’Donnell for the show. Instead he gives us Omorosa leftovers. Way to drop the ball, Trump. Celebrity Fit Club has more star power. Instead of playing for a job in the Trump empire, the winning “star” gets $250,000 to donate to their favorite charity. That’s a prize? These “celebrities” are their own charity.
TVBLAND
Who the hell did the voting for TVLand’s 100 Greatest TV Icons? How the hell did Don Knotts end up at 58 while Simon Cowell ends up at 47? Cowell has been phoning it in for the last four seasons on American Idol. He’s a parody of people who parody him. Don Knotts was comic gold. And Farrah Fawcett at 26? She’s an icon. But she was only on Charlie’s Angels for a single season. And why lump all the “Not Ready for Prime Time Players” into one vote. So Jim Belushi rates up there with John Belushi?
TVLand should just rank their 100 Greatest Reasons they’re getting out of showing vintage TV shows.
And what a lame easy list this Icon list is. Why doesn’t TVLand have 100 Greatest Character Actors in TV history? Where’s a tribute to Charles Lane? Blow us away with the various guest spots of James Hong! King of the creepy cameo: Bruce Dern! Rank the Landers sisters!
Remember that a good list shouldn’t repeat the obvious to the informed. It should shine a light on those that don’t have a publicity machine cranking their mega-watt empires.
My next list will have to be “100 Greatest Faces With No Names.” Or “Wasn’t that Guy killed in last night’s episode of Columbo?”
SPORTS HOTTY
Playboy Magazine is conducting a poll to determine the sexiest sports reporters on TV. They have the usual suspects of ESPN, Fox Sports and network ladies. When I think of sexy sports reporters – there’s only one: ESPN’s Tony Reali. The host of Around the Horn and beloved as Stat Boy on Pardon the Interruption can’t be denied that he’s got what Ashton Kutcher calls, “Man Pretty.” Reali also has the advantage of sharing a screen with Woody Paige and Tony Kornheiser. But he’d look hot around Jillian Barberie.
Hugh Hefner needs to put Reali on the ballot. How can you deny him his birthright?
CRUSH CRUNCH
Doesn’t Pringles in a bag completely defeat the purpose of being Pringles?
LINDSAY UNBARRED
What was the point of Lindsay Lohan serving 84 minutes in jail? The judge should have at least had her watch all 105 minutes of I Know Who Killed Me as part of her time behind bars. Or is that defined as torture by the Justice Department?
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