Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a (not) surprising win, The Sopranos took home the Emmy for outstanding dramatic series. The show 30 Rock won for best comedy series. The night was capped with all of Hollywood joining in a mass orgy to further congratulate itself for systematically destroying art.

• It appears that people can’t stop pissing in Britney Spears’s Wheaties. After suffering through scathing reviews of her MTV VMA performance last week, she has now been dropped by her management team. In a statement from her former manager, the drop was explained; “at the time we signed Ms. Spears, we had no idea she wanted to sing and dance again. We signed her under the expectation that she would move into reality TV, soft-core porn, and then maybe star in a couple rehab stints.”

• Actress Alicia Silverstone will appear in the buff for an upcoming PETA ad. Silverstone agreed to do the ad to promote a vegetarian lifestyle. PETA officials are hoping to capitalize on Silverstone’s fame… which ended in 1999.

• After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of record producer Phil Spector is still at an impasse.  Deadlocked at 7-5, the jury can’t seem to agree whether Spector is innocent or guilty of murdering actress Lana Clarkson in his home last year.  According to sources, the five people who are opposed to finding Spector guilty are males who like the thought of being referred to as a “hung” jury.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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