TRIBECA – A movie that lists me as the Associate Producer is making the festival rounds. On April 14, Moving Midway will be playing the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival in Durham, N.C.
I beg you fine citizens of Durham to not throw flowers at the screen when my name appears in the credits. It is hard to resist wanting to launch a bouquet of roses during such a beautiful moment. But I don’t want to make the rest of the filmmakers jealous at the love being shown just to me. Although polite applause is appreciated.
The other highlights of Full Frame should include D.A. Pennebaker showing Bob Dylan: 65: Revisited, Gonzo: The Life and Death of Hunter S. Thompson and the return of Martin Scorsese. Nothing tops the chance to chat with Albert Maysles. He has a few stories to share about Gimme Shelter. How close can you get to Hell’s Angel with a pool cue? Did Keith have his original blood that tour? Weren’t the Stones a better live act with Mick Taylor on guitar?
If you’re not in Durham and want to experience my name on the screen, pick up Shortbus. My name is listed with the Shortbusriders. I didn’t have anything to do with the production. Nor have I had any contact with director (and fellow army brat) John Cameron Mitchell. This tribute to myself came from visiting the website. Don’t think you can spot me in the orgy room. That’s just an internet rumor. While there are no true small roles in films, if they aren’t shot in Cinemascope, my blossoming talent won’t fit. And in the privacy of your living room, feel free to throw flowers at my name.
WHERE’S PART 2?
Grindhouse is upon us. After all the hype and hysteria and dark tales from the ratings board, we’ll finally get to see what happens when Rodriguez and Tarantino team up for the fourth time.
But the troubling aspect of this project is that there’s no Grindhouse 2 in post-production eager to hit the theaters in late summer. How can Harvey and Bob hold back on greenlighting this into an instant series? Are they still stinging from Alien Love Triangle? Judging from the amount of crap that they’ve been dumping as exclusive rentals at Blockbuster, the brothers W need to crank out more than Prey 2. They need to start using the Grindhouse as a way to bring life back to escapist trash.
My suggestion is the follow up be done is a deep fried double feature follow up. The first film would pay tribute to the Legend of Boggy Creek series. Tribute might be too kind of a word. Those movies were the absolute pits for thrills and scares. If you have any fond memories of these movies, it better be because you got laid in the back of the station wagon while these borefests ruled the Drive-in. My movie, Swamp Gas would be the more improved take on the swamp creature flicks. Three college kids are heading down to Florida for spring break when they take a detour to visit a roadside attraction dedicated to the Scubra, a half man, half nutria monster that supposedly roamed the nearby swamp. The boys continue on their way to spring break, but being a trio of losers decide to ditch being teased by drunk coed girls and return to the swamp. They want to have an adventure. They even hire a hot “Poke Salad Annie” gal to be their guide into the muck. But things go insane when the boys discover various dark secrets about the Scubra. There’s scene where the Scubra attacks a Maxim shoot. Lots of muddy bikinis across the screen.
The second feature pays tribute to the greatest cine-trash genre: Women in jail. But not merely any jail, but a skanky, sweaty Southern jail. A sweet innocent girl on a bus trip out to see grandma gets stuck in a small Mayberry-esque town. She ends up getting lured into trouble by what she through was a fellow nice girl. She gets sentenced to the county work farm. Turns out that work on the farm isn’t meant to rehabilitate. It’s to sustain the local vice markets. No need to spell out too much of the plot other than group showers and cavity searches that will look even hotter on the DVD’s unrated cut. I want to make a women’s prison film that will harden Jess Franco’s nipples.
Don’t come see this doubleheader without a tanktop and a bottle of water. Cause the humidity is going to drip off the screen. And unlike Black Snake Moan these films will be Justin Timberlake-free!
NO LOVE
It would be nice if the Grindhouse guys would tip their hats a little bit more openly to Michael J. Weldon and his Psychotronic empire. For over 20 years, his Psychotronic Encyclopedia has been a sacred text for fans of cinema that doesn’t get shown during Oscar montages.
UNDERSTAND A PHRASE
When a sporting event claims to be “The Superbowl of….” that means the pre-game show lasts longer than the actual event.
LOOK AT US… A
This American Life on Showtime is captivating time on my TV. The show is kinda like a Errol Morris documentary except Ira Glass does the voiceover and there’s less talking straight to the camera. Maybe this show isn’t like an Errol Morris movie. Either way the show does a good job illustrating the tales previously told on NPR radio stations. The cloned bull has been my favorite episode – especially since it has scrotum damage. Ouch!!!
Ira Glass does come off as Mo Rocca’s cousin. These two need to take part in that Doppelganger project.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to tell the story of Anna and Ana to Ira. But I don’t know if America is ready for such a heartbreaking tale of summer weirdness.
COURT TV IS OUT OF ORDER
After attacking Court TV for running shows about lifeguards instead of trials, the channel has responded. By the end of the year, Court TV will be rebranded in order to “reflect” its new demographic. They want to attract a group called “real engagers” who enjoy watching “real-life stories and true characters.” Remember when a “real engager” was Johnny Depp as he tossed out rings to Winona Ryder and Sherilyn Fenn?
Basically the lack of a true freakish high profile court case and the rise of other channels that are willing to burn airtime on the celeb trials has destroyed Court TV’s audience. How many channels had live coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith corpse grab fiasco?
No word on what the folks at Time-Warner will call the “real engager” channel. My guess is Scalez! Cause that reflects the justice programming and yet is hip and now with that “z.” Or maybe Juztice TV.
REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS ANGRY?
Why is it disheartening to see Ice Cube in the Are We Done Yet? ads? Remember when he was a bad ass from Compton giving us the hood report? Remember when he joined Public Enemy on “Burn Hollywood Burn?” Ice Cube is now roasting in a film that screams, “Steve Martin was too busy to squirt this turd!”
SUGAR COATED LIES
Anyone else swallowing the study that kids today are being bombarded by ads for bad foods which is why they are fat? What? I’m shocked that kiddie TV programming is filled with ads for junk food. Why this has to be the first time in our nation’s history that this has happened.
Heaven forbid that the generation that contributed to this report remember that they were raised on sugar coated commercials. Does anyone recall how every cereal in the late ’60s was coated with “badness.” They didn’t merely have Sugar Crisp. That bear sold us Super Sugar Crisp. Sugar Corn Pops, Sugar Smacks and Sugar Frosted Flakes were on the shelf. Visit theimaginaryworld.com/cbarch.html to see that today’s supermarket shelves are tame compared to the breakfast diet of decades ago. Fast Food ads have changed. Ronald McDonald pushes milk and apple slices to the active kiddies. There was no healthy foods being harvested in the old McDonaldland ads. And remember that the Grimace was evil back then. Junk foods sponsoring TV isn’t something that was launched while you pumped out your baby. Remember the Frito Bandito? He wasn’t stealing carrot sticks.
What’s sad is that these self-righteous scientists want to blame “junk food” for your kids, but they don’t seem to want to attack the “healthy food” that’s probably turning Junior into a blimp: corn. Check the labels and see how much of your drinks and foods contain corn syrup. When you were a kid, your soda didn’t have corn syrup. But now you’re sucking up corn like a heifer waiting for the first semi to the slaughterhouse. But where’s the publicity in attacking corn? Slinging mud at Spongebob gets you a few minutes with Katie Couric.
You know why your kids are fat? Because it’s not safe to let them outside. Fox News declares that rapists are lurking just outside your front porch ready to nab your child. If you let them play sports, odds are that a violent, drunk father will charge the wrestling mat and attack your kid. Dateline has let us know that it’s not safe to even let the kids go on the internet. What’s must you do to keep them safe? Put them on their asses in front of a TV set. If you want to avoid them from getting the “gimmes” for bad stuff, pick up DVDs of kid shows you enjoyed all those decades ago. There will be no marathon of ads interrupting H.R. Pufnsuf. If you want to keep your kids skinny, feed them gruel. It’s the secret of keeping a trim Oliver Twist shape.
What did happen to a generation that devoured Tutti-Fruiti Flavored Twinkles cereal? Where’s the science on them?
NEWS STUD FANTASIES
Did you know that the fastest growing fetish fiction involves Dateline reporter Chris Hansen? A lot of creepy folks are now sharing their daydreams about sneaking into a strange kitchen and discovering Chris Hansen. Most of the predator wannabes confess that they weren’t looking for a 13 year old girl that had emailed them on the internet. They knew that the fingers on the keys belonged to Hansen. Within a few minutes, the ties are off and they’re pouring Wesson oil all over their bodies and doing stuff that would upset Florence Henderson.
According to a news release from Glick University, Chris Hansen oriented homo-erotic fan fiction has passed Kirk and Spock beaming down each other. Sources within NBC hint that Stone Phillips is jealous of Hansen’s lusty following.
STABLE BOY JR. SPEAKS
Here’s the lock pick for the Kentucky Derby: Bet on Scat Daddy to show – cause it just sounds dirty. Besides winning the Florida Derby, Scat Daddy was the biggest selling DVD of 2004 in Berlin. If only there were horses named Watersports Wonder and Cleveland Steamer, I’d have my Trifecta.
DORKS FROM THE EAST
Why is a marathon of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge the greatest way to zone out on a lazy evening? All my life, the teachers and pundits would ramble on about how smart the Japanese were. How they were so much better at math. How they were going to kick our lame American educated asses. But watching these hordes of Japanese folks get beaten senseless on a gameshow makes me feel just a little bit superior.
The episode where the contestants tried to compete in rubber monster outfits is my favorite. I nearly stopped breathing when the guy dressed as totem pole attempted to hop across a pond on rocks. Also the final challenge involved a group of Ultramen tossing boulders down a hill at the contestants. After a MXC marathon, I don’t need to completely fear the Japanese. I know that they can be stopped by having them charge head first through a locked door.
PREDICTION FOR RICKY
Now that Extras has wrapped up, what’s the next series for Ricky Gervais? I have a vision that he’ll create a show about a guy who does weekend road rallies in his Mini Cooper. It’ll focus on his dream of one day being able to actually finish a race. The comedy comes from his rivalry with his mother who actually wins on the circuit.
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