Welcome back, my friends, to another edition of “Music for the Masses.” This week, we duck and cover for fear of Fall Out Boy, wonder silently to ourselves “just how tasty are the Tastydactyls?” and watch in awe as Double A takes on the Afro Samurai. Oh yeah, and the guy that mows my lawn and “blows out my sprinklers” reviews the new one from Saliva. Sound like fun? Well, what do you say we find out?
Fall Out Boy
Album: Infinity On High
Sounds like: From Under A Cork Tree… Now with 20% more suck!!
Fall Out Boy (From Left): Wentz and 3 of the “writer” characters from 30 Rock.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, kids, but Fall Out Boy’s “new” album, Infinity On High, will NOT be carried at your local Hot Topic store. No, sparky… that’s not a joke. It was breaking news today on Fall Out Boy’s web-site. Seriously. Now, if you are anything like me, and with the exception of that “pesky” third nipple and over-abundance of ass hair, I know you are EXACTLY like me, you’re thinking “No Fall Out Boy at Hot Topic!! That’s insane!! What is this world coming to?? Why that would be like Hollister refusing to sell ‘whore’s clothes’ to ‘Tweeners’ or Wal-Mart refusing to carry sleeve-less denim shirts!” But hey… buck up, little camper. It’s not THAT big of a deal. You’re just going to have to have your mom make TWO stops at the mall… one to pick up your cleverly ironic, “old school” rock T-Shirts, Family Guyâ„¢ “Freakin’ Sweet!” belt buckle and “You Are Soooo Gonna Get Your Ass Kicked At High School Wearing That” fedora© and one trip to buy Infinity On High or, as I like it to call it, “From Under The Cork Tree II: Electric Bunghole.”
Hey Pete… which one is your “Lindsay finger.” Nice. Flipping people off is SO punk.
To quote Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits fame, the “Second verse” is the “same as the first!” so feel free, kids, to sing along with Infinity On High as it dishes up more of the same from Chicago’s own, Fall Out Boy. For instance, you want more of that slightly self-deprecating, “wink wink, nudge nudge” pop/punk? Check. More of those rousing and hook-heavy, group-sung choruses? Check. More intros by Jay-Z? Wait… okay, maybe THAT’s new, but do you want more of those lengthy, yet clever, song titles? Well… you get more of that, too. And speaking of that, I have to tell you that I am more than a little pissed that the band passed on the song titles that I sent them because “I Dated Lindsay Lohan And All I Got Out Of It Was A Rash On My Tongue And An Empty Lick-Her Cabinet” and “There’s A Party In Pete’s Mouth And Everyone’s Coming!” would have fit in nicely with the other track listings. Thanks for nothing, Pete. You fucker.
The “All You Can Pete” Buffet… open 24/7… HA!
Now, obviously, I’m not the biggest fan of these “guys” but, that being said, I would be a bit disingenuous if I said that I completely dislike this album. On the contrary, some of the songs on here are catchy as the “Clap,” especially “The Take Over, The Break’s Over” and “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs,” and why wouldn’t they be? After all, to bastardize a quote from M.C. Lars, “[Fall Out Boy] is a contrived identification with youth subcultures to manufacture an anti-authoritarian identity and make millions.” Yep… that pretty much nails it because who doesn’t want to nurture their anti-authoritarian identity? “Who,” I ask!?
This baby has all the “wanna-be” punk attitude that the discriminating “wanna-be” punk demands from his “wanna-be” punk-pop bands. So, if you are already a fan of Fall Out Boy, by which, I mean that you bought a Dropkick Murphy and Operation Ivy shirt from Hot Topic but you don’t have any music from either band, you are going to be more tickled with this album than Paula Abdul with a belly full of her “relaxin'” pills. If you’re not a fan and you actually understand the reference I just made to the Dropkick Murphy’s and Operation Ivy… man… you are going to hate this more than that one time your uncle gave you a colonoscopy with his “weiner cam.” But hey… regardless of where you fall in this “love ’em/hate ’em” debate, just remember this: Hot Topic and Fall Out Boy ARE NOT punk rock.
Now, kids, if you’ll kindly turn to page 110 in your M.C. Lars handbook and repeat after me (from his song “Hot Topic IS NOT Punk Rock”):
Go!
Books about Evanescence (Are not punk rock!)
Guns ‘n Roses watches (Are not punk rock!)
Hello Kitty iPod cases (Are not punk rock!)
Rob Zombie lunch boxes (Are not punk rock!)
Slipknot binder paper (Is not punk rock!)
Tinkerbell pillow cases (Are not punk rock!)
Led Zeppelin air fresheners (Are not punk rock!)
Tupac incense burners (Are not punk rock!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Misfits candle tins (Are not punk rock!)
ICP throw blankets (Are not punk rock!)
Beaded Elvis curtains (Are not punk rock!)
Talking Lambchop plush dolls (Are not punk rock!)
AC/DC hair clips (Are not punk rock!)
Spongebob wristbands (Are not punk rock!)
Sex Pistols boxer shorts (Are not punk rock!)
Dischord back catalog (Okay. Maybe that’s punk rock.)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is a contrived identification with youth subcultures to manufacture an anti-authoritarian identity and make millions. The $8 you paid for the Mudvayne poster would be better spent used to see your brother’s friend’s band.
DIY ethics are punk rock
Starting your own label is punk rock
G.G. Allin was punk rock.
But when a crass corporate vulture feeds on mass-consumer culture, this spending mommy’s money is not punk rock!
Amen, brother.
QUICKEE OF THE WEEK…
The Tastydactyls
Album: One & Nine (We Had A Hell Of A Run)
Does this band sound familiar to you? Well, assuming you’ve eased up a bit on your paint-huffing dalliances, you may recall that I featured the Tastydactyls in my “Pimp Your Band” portion of this here column. To refresh your mammary, the Tasties (as I like to call them for no particular reason) hail from deep in the heart o’ Tex-Ass and have been on one hell of a roll, as of late. For starters, they are coming off a glorious victory at their local battle of the bands competition where they treated the competition like the “small guy in prison.” They are also readying themselves for their first ever “World Tour” (okay, actually the are going to go play some gigs in Ireland) and recently released a kick-ass EP, One & Nine (We Had A Hell Of A Run). The music on this disc is down-right infectious. With it’s herky-jerky rhythms and quirky/clever instrumentation (accordions, train whistles and glockenspiels), One & Nine comes off as a wonderfully weird mix of Cursive (“Clockwork”) and Jimmy Eat World (“Like A Bear”). If you are looking for some truly imaginative alternative, look no further. Check them out over at www.myspace.com/thetastydactyls.
Let me clear the air on a few things before we get started with this here review. I’m not down with the whole Anime thing. I just don’t dig it. I don’t understand it, and everything I’ve seen is just plain dumb. With that said, imagine my surprise as I sat in a room at the San Diego Comic Con watching the end of the Afro Samurai TV show panel. I truly dug what I saw, I mean how can you go wrong with a project that involves Samuel L. Jackson, Ron Pearlman and the Wu Tang Clan’s The RZA? I submit that you cannot. And now that the show is on the air, though you better hurry as the run is almost over, I am still impressed with what I see. Now, I’m equally impressed with what I hear, as The RZA has finally released the soundtrack to the show.
Shortly after seeing the presentation, I heard that the album was going to be coming long before the show ever made it to the air. I was excited. You could even say that I was as excited as the proverbial schoolgirl. But then I got the news that the album was delayed. Then it was delayed again. And again. I cried like a fat guy when the all you can eat Chinese restaurant closes. But now the album is actually out and it’s pretty good. I wouldn’t say that it’s a great album, but it is definitely worth a listen. The albums isn’t just a straight up rap album, which is one of the reasons why it’s not great. Mixed in with the raps are a few R&B type songs and instrumentals that are featured in the show. The raps are good and the instrumentals are great. The R&B songs? Not so much. I mean they might be good, but they just seem a little out of place on this album.
If you’re a rap fan, or a fan of the show, pick this album up. Like I said, all of the instrumentals from the show are great, and the raps are all pretty good too, especially “Who Is The Man” and “Fury In My Eyes/Revenge.” This album also features four tracks with RZA’s Bobby Digital alter ego, and everyone is good. It’s really hard to beat The RZA’s delivery. If you haven’t ever heard him rap, do yourself a favor and check him out. Oh, and with that said, I just want it to be known that indeed, Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with. Bitches!
REVIEWS BY…
Jose
Jose Can You See… My Muy Bueno Landscaping, LLC.
Cuándo yo oà primero el nuevo álbum de la Saliva yo gozaba una tarde agradable que repantiga en mi traspatio. El sol fue brillante, los niños se divertÃan jugando y mi esposa inventaba una sopa maravillosa. La saliva vino en la radio y todo arruinado.
Si esto es lo que América llama la música, entonces quizás sea tiempo para mà volver a casa. Si queriendo que esta basura es lo que toma para ser Americano entonces yo no quiero ninguna parte de ello. Algunos de mi landscapers prójimo gozan realmente esta mierda y me hace triste para sus niños.
Mi cortacéspedes es más agradable que mi coche y por lo tanto, debe cabalgar en el estilo.
Saliva es una banda terrible y es casi completamente irreconocible de todas las otras bandas inventadas de piedra que circulan este paÃs. Nickleback, yo le miro.
Este CD no tiene las calidades compensatorias. La banda ha vendido completamente en una tentativa para vender como muchos álbumes como Nickleback. Para la consideración de Dios la canción “Black Sheep” suena exactamente como “Animals” por Nickleback. No hay una canción en este álbum que usted no ha oÃdo hecho antes de y hecho mejor.
Recorté este arbusto para el Señor M.C. informar a su vecino que él es, verdaderamente, un fucker de mono de asshole.
Uno de mis clientes, M.C. Bell me dio este CD a revisar para él y no yo sé por qué. El está tan triste para su propio paÃs que él esperó que alguien con un par fresco de orejas quizás encontrara que algo redimiendo en ello. Lo siento de decir Senior Bell pero fallé.
Yo me golpearÃa más bien en la cabeza con mi rastrillo que escucho otra canción de este álbum.
UPCOMING RELEASES… 2/6/2007
| ARTIST | TITLE | GENRE |
| FALL OUT BOY | INFINITY ON HIGH | ROCK |
| THE CAT EMPIRE | TWO SHOES | ROCK |
| TRICLOPS | CAFETERIA BRUTALIA | ROCK |
| TYRONNE WELLS | HOLD ON | POP |
| AEREOGRAMME | MY HEART HAS A WISH THAT YOU WOULD NOT GO | Not Provided |
| AGUST, DANIEL | SWALLOWED A STAR | Not Provided |
| AMNESTY | FREE YOUR MIND | Not Provided |
| ANGELS AND AGONY | UNISON | POP |
| BARENAKED LADIES | Barenaked Ladies Are Men | POP |
| BEIRUT | LON GISLAND | Not Provided |
| BIOMECHANICAL | EMPIRES OF THE WORLD | Not Provided |
| BLOC PARTY | A WEEKEND IN THE CITY | ROCK |
| BRACKEN | WE KNOW ABOUT THE NEED | Not Provided |
| CLOUDS | LEGENDARY DEMO | ROCK |
| COHEN, DANNY | SHADES OF DORIAN GRAY | ROCK |
| COLOUR, THE | BETWEEN EARTH & SKY | ALTERNATIVE |
| CRAIG, CARL | ALBUM FORMERLY KNOWN AS. . . | Not Provided |
| CULT, THE | DREAMTIME | ROCK |
| DEAD CHILD | DEAD CHILD | Not Provided |
| DEERHUNTER | CRYPTOGRAMS | Not Provided |
| DISINCARNATE | DREAMS OF THE CARRION KIND | Not Provided |
| DONELLY, TANYA | WHISKEY TANGO GHOSTS | ROCK |
| FORWARD, RUSSIA! | EIGHTEEN | Not Provided |
| GETO BOYS | DA GOOD, DA BAD & DA UGLY | RAP |
| GOLDFRAPP | RIDE A WHITE HORSE | Not Provided |
| HALTER, ERNIE | CONGRESS HOTEL | ROCK |
| KELLER WILLIAMS | Dream | ROCK |
| KISS KISS | REALITY VS. THE OPTIMIST | ROCK |
| KOOL KEITH | ULTRA-OCTO-DOOM | RAP |
| LERCHE SONDRE | PHANTOM PUNCH | Not Provided |
| LIFETIME | LIFETIME | ROCK |
| LONEY, DEAR | LONEY, NOIR | ROCK |
| LOVE ARCADE | Love Arcade | POP |
| MARKS, GARY | GATHERING | Not Provided |
| MNEMIC | PASSENGER | Not Provided |
| ONO, YOKO | YES I’M A WITCH | Not Provided |
| OVER THE RHINE | DISCOUNT FIREWORKS | ALTERNATIVE |
| POSTMARKS | POSTMARKS | Not Provided |
| REFRIGERATOR | BOTTLES OF MAKE UP | Not Provided |
| ROSENVINGE, CHRISTINA | CONTINENTAL 62 | Not Provided |
| ROTTING CHRIST | THEOGONIA | Not Provided |
| SANDS, J. | BREAKS VOL.2 | Not Provided |
| SECONDHAND SERENADE | AWAKE | ROCK |
| SHANNON, SARAH | CITY MORNING SONG | POP |
| SOFT CIRCLE | FULL BLOOM | Not Provided |
| TEDDYBEARS | SOFT MACHINE | POP |
| THE SLEEPING | BELIEVE WHAT WE TELL YOU | ROCK |
| THERION | GOTHIC KABBALAH | Not Provided |
| TISDALE, ASHLEY | HEADSTRONG | POP |
| TITAN | A RAINING SUN OF LIGHT AND LOVE, FOR YOU AND YOU.. | Not Provided |
| TIVOL | EARLY TEETH | Not Provided |
| WHITE MICE | BLASSSTPHLEGMEICE | Not Provided |
| WILLIAMSON, ASTRID | DAY OF THE LONE WOLF | Not Provided |
| WOODS | AT REAR HOUSE | Not Provided |
| WU-TANG & FRIENDS | UNRELEASED | Not Provided |
Well… there you have it folks. Until next week… keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!
Send your cleverly ironic T-Shirts, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:
M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001
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