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Welcome back, my friends, to another edition of “Music for the Masses.” This week, we duck and cover for fear of Fall Out Boy, wonder silently to ourselves “just how tasty are the Tastydactyls?” and watch in awe as Double A takes on the Afro Samurai. Oh yeah, and the guy that mows my lawn and “blows out my sprinklers” reviews the new one from Saliva. Sound like fun? Well, what do you say we find out?

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Fall Out Boy

Album: Infinity On High

Sounds like: From Under A Cork Tree… Now with 20% more suck!!

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Fall Out Boy (From Left): Wentz and 3 of the “writer” characters from 30 Rock.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, kids, but Fall Out Boy’s “new” album, Infinity On High, will NOT be carried at your local Hot Topic store. No, sparky… that’s not a joke. It was breaking news today on Fall Out Boy’s web-site. Seriously. Now, if you are anything like me, and with the exception of that “pesky” third nipple and over-abundance of ass hair, I know you are EXACTLY like me, you’re thinking “No Fall Out Boy at Hot Topic!! That’s insane!! What is this world coming to?? Why that would be like Hollister refusing to sell ‘whore’s clothes’ to ‘Tweeners’ or Wal-Mart refusing to carry sleeve-less denim shirts!” But hey… buck up, little camper. It’s not THAT big of a deal. You’re just going to have to have your mom make TWO stops at the mall… one to pick up your cleverly ironic, “old school” rock T-Shirts, Family Guy™ “Freakin’ Sweet!” belt buckle and “You Are Soooo Gonna Get Your Ass Kicked At High School Wearing That” fedora© and one trip to buy Infinity On High or, as I like it to call it, “From Under The Cork Tree II: Electric Bunghole.”

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Hey Pete… which one is your “Lindsay finger.” Nice. Flipping people off is SO punk.

To quote Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits fame, the “Second verse” is the “same as the first!” so feel free, kids, to sing along with Infinity On High as it dishes up more of the same from Chicago’s own, Fall Out Boy. For instance, you want more of that slightly self-deprecating, “wink wink, nudge nudge” pop/punk? Check. More of those rousing and hook-heavy, group-sung choruses? Check. More intros by Jay-Z? Wait… okay, maybe THAT’s new, but do you want more of those lengthy, yet clever, song titles? Well… you get more of that, too. And speaking of that, I have to tell you that I am more than a little pissed that the band passed on the song titles that I sent them because “I Dated Lindsay Lohan And All I Got Out Of It Was A Rash On My Tongue And An Empty Lick-Her Cabinet” and “There’s A Party In Pete’s Mouth And Everyone’s Coming!” would have fit in nicely with the other track listings. Thanks for nothing, Pete. You fucker.

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The “All You Can Pete” Buffet… open 24/7… HA!

Now, obviously, I’m not the biggest fan of these “guys” but, that being said, I would be a bit disingenuous if I said that I completely dislike this album. On the contrary, some of the songs on here are catchy as the “Clap,” especially “The Take Over, The Break’s Over” and “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs,” and why wouldn’t they be? After all, to bastardize a quote from M.C. Lars, “[Fall Out Boy] is a contrived identification with youth subcultures to manufacture an anti-authoritarian identity and make millions.” Yep… that pretty much nails it because who doesn’t want to nurture their anti-authoritarian identity? “Who,” I ask!?

This baby has all the “wanna-be” punk attitude that the discriminating “wanna-be” punk demands from his “wanna-be” punk-pop bands. So, if you are already a fan of Fall Out Boy, by which, I mean that you bought a Dropkick Murphy and Operation Ivy shirt from Hot Topic but you don’t have any music from either band, you are going to be more tickled with this album than Paula Abdul with a belly full of her “relaxin’” pills. If you’re not a fan and you actually understand the reference I just made to the Dropkick Murphy’s and Operation Ivy… man… you are going to hate this more than that one time your uncle gave you a colonoscopy with his “weiner cam.” But hey… regardless of where you fall in this “love ‘em/hate ‘em” debate, just remember this: Hot Topic and Fall Out Boy ARE NOT punk rock.

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Now, kids, if you’ll kindly turn to page 110 in your M.C. Lars handbook and repeat after me (from his song “Hot Topic IS NOT Punk Rock”):

Go!
Books about Evanescence (Are not punk rock!)
Guns ‘n Roses watches (Are not punk rock!)
Hello Kitty iPod cases (Are not punk rock!)
Rob Zombie lunch boxes (Are not punk rock!)
Slipknot binder paper (Is not punk rock!)
Tinkerbell pillow cases (Are not punk rock!)
Led Zeppelin air fresheners (Are not punk rock!)
Tupac incense burners (Are not punk rock!)

Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)

Misfits candle tins (Are not punk rock!)
ICP throw blankets (Are not punk rock!)
Beaded Elvis curtains (Are not punk rock!)
Talking Lambchop plush dolls (Are not punk rock!)
AC/DC hair clips (Are not punk rock!)
Spongebob wristbands (Are not punk rock!)
Sex Pistols boxer shorts (Are not punk rock!)
Dischord back catalog (Okay. Maybe that’s punk rock.)

Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)
Hot Topic is not punk rock! (Hot Topic!)

Hot Topic is a contrived identification with youth subcultures to manufacture an anti-authoritarian identity and make millions. The $8 you paid for the Mudvayne poster would be better spent used to see your brother’s friend’s band.

DIY ethics are punk rock
Starting your own label is punk rock
G.G. Allin was punk rock.

But when a crass corporate vulture feeds on mass-consumer culture, this spending mommy’s money is not punk rock!

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Amen, brother.

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QUICKEE OF THE WEEK…

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The Tastydactyls

Album: One & Nine (We Had A Hell Of A Run)

Does this band sound familiar to you? Well, assuming you’ve eased up a bit on your paint-huffing dalliances, you may recall that I featured the Tastydactyls in my “Pimp Your Band” portion of this here column. To refresh your mammary, the Tasties (as I like to call them for no particular reason) hail from deep in the heart o’ Tex-Ass and have been on one hell of a roll, as of late. For starters, they are coming off a glorious victory at their local battle of the bands competition where they treated the competition like the “small guy in prison.” They are also readying themselves for their first ever “World Tour” (okay, actually the are going to go play some gigs in Ireland) and recently released a kick-ass EP, One & Nine (We Had A Hell Of A Run). The music on this disc is down-right infectious. With it’s herky-jerky rhythms and quirky/clever instrumentation (accordions, train whistles and glockenspiels), One & Nine comes off as a wonderfully weird mix of Cursive (”Clockwork”) and Jimmy Eat World (”Like A Bear”). If you are looking for some truly imaginative alternative, look no further. Check them out over at www.myspace.com/thetastydactyls.

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Let me clear the air on a few things before we get started with this here review. I’m not down with the whole Anime thing. I just don’t dig it. I don’t understand it, and everything I’ve seen is just plain dumb. With that said, imagine my surprise as I sat in a room at the San Diego Comic Con watching the end of the Afro Samurai TV show panel. I truly dug what I saw, I mean how can you go wrong with a project that involves Samuel L. Jackson, Ron Pearlman and the Wu Tang Clan’s The RZA? I submit that you cannot. And now that the show is on the air, though you better hurry as the run is almost over, I am still impressed with what I see. Now, I’m equally impressed with what I hear, as The RZA has finally released the soundtrack to the show.

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Shortly after seeing the presentation, I heard that the album was going to be coming long before the show ever made it to the air. I was excited. You could even say that I was as excited as the proverbial schoolgirl. But then I got the news that the album was delayed. Then it was delayed again. And again. I cried like a fat guy when the all you can eat Chinese restaurant closes. But now the album is actually out and it’s pretty good. I wouldn’t say that it’s a great album, but it is definitely worth a listen. The albums isn’t just a straight up rap album, which is one of the reasons why it’s not great. Mixed in with the raps are a few R&B type songs and instrumentals that are featured in the show. The raps are good and the instrumentals are great. The R&B songs? Not so much. I mean they might be good, but they just seem a little out of place on this album.

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If you’re a rap fan, or a fan of the show, pick this album up. Like I said, all of the instrumentals from the show are great, and the raps are all pretty good too, especially “Who Is The Man” and “Fury In My Eyes/Revenge.” This album also features four tracks with RZA’s Bobby Digital alter ego, and everyone is good. It’s really hard to beat The RZA’s delivery. If you haven’t ever heard him rap, do yourself a favor and check him out. Oh, and with that said, I just want it to be known that indeed, Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with. Bitches!

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REVIEWS BY…

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Jose

Jose Can You See… My Muy Bueno Landscaping, LLC.

Cuándo yo oí primero el nuevo álbum de la Saliva yo gozaba una tarde agradable que repantiga en mi traspatio. El sol fue brillante, los niños se divertían jugando y mi esposa inventaba una sopa maravillosa. La saliva vino en la radio y todo arruinado.

Si esto es lo que América llama la música, entonces quizás sea tiempo para mí volver a casa. Si queriendo que esta basura es lo que toma para ser Americano entonces yo no quiero ninguna parte de ello. Algunos de mi landscapers prójimo gozan realmente esta mierda y me hace triste para sus niños.

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Mi cortacéspedes es más agradable que mi coche y por lo tanto, debe cabalgar en el estilo.

Saliva es una banda terrible y es casi completamente irreconocible de todas las otras bandas inventadas de piedra que circulan este país. Nickleback, yo le miro.

Este CD no tiene las calidades compensatorias. La banda ha vendido completamente en una tentativa para vender como muchos álbumes como Nickleback. Para la consideración de Dios la canción “Black Sheep” suena exactamente como “Animals” por Nickleback. No hay una canción en este álbum que usted no ha oído hecho antes de y hecho mejor.

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Recorté este arbusto para el Señor M.C. informar a su vecino que él es, verdaderamente, un fucker de mono de asshole.

Uno de mis clientes, M.C. Bell me dio este CD a revisar para él y no yo sé por qué. El está tan triste para su propio país que él esperó que alguien con un par fresco de orejas quizás encontrara que algo redimiendo en ello. Lo siento de decir Senior Bell pero fallé.

Yo me golpearía más bien en la cabeza con mi rastrillo que escucho otra canción de este álbum.

UPCOMING RELEASES… 2/6/2007

ARTIST TITLE GENRE
FALL OUT BOY INFINITY ON HIGH ROCK
THE CAT EMPIRE TWO SHOES ROCK
TRICLOPS CAFETERIA BRUTALIA ROCK
TYRONNE WELLS HOLD ON POP
AEREOGRAMME MY HEART HAS A WISH THAT YOU WOULD NOT GO Not Provided
AGUST, DANIEL SWALLOWED A STAR Not Provided
AMNESTY FREE YOUR MIND Not Provided
ANGELS AND AGONY UNISON POP
BARENAKED LADIES Barenaked Ladies Are Men POP
BEIRUT LON GISLAND Not Provided
BIOMECHANICAL EMPIRES OF THE WORLD Not Provided
BLOC PARTY A WEEKEND IN THE CITY ROCK
BRACKEN WE KNOW ABOUT THE NEED Not Provided
CLOUDS LEGENDARY DEMO ROCK
COHEN, DANNY SHADES OF DORIAN GRAY ROCK
COLOUR, THE BETWEEN EARTH & SKY ALTERNATIVE
CRAIG, CARL ALBUM FORMERLY KNOWN AS. . . Not Provided
CULT, THE DREAMTIME ROCK
DEAD CHILD DEAD CHILD Not Provided
DEERHUNTER CRYPTOGRAMS Not Provided
DISINCARNATE DREAMS OF THE CARRION KIND Not Provided
DONELLY, TANYA WHISKEY TANGO GHOSTS ROCK
FORWARD, RUSSIA! EIGHTEEN Not Provided
GETO BOYS DA GOOD, DA BAD & DA UGLY RAP
GOLDFRAPP RIDE A WHITE HORSE Not Provided
HALTER, ERNIE CONGRESS HOTEL ROCK
KELLER WILLIAMS Dream ROCK
KISS KISS REALITY VS. THE OPTIMIST ROCK
KOOL KEITH ULTRA-OCTO-DOOM RAP
LERCHE SONDRE PHANTOM PUNCH Not Provided
LIFETIME LIFETIME ROCK
LONEY, DEAR LONEY, NOIR ROCK
LOVE ARCADE Love Arcade POP
MARKS, GARY GATHERING Not Provided
MNEMIC PASSENGER Not Provided
ONO, YOKO YES I’M A WITCH Not Provided
OVER THE RHINE DISCOUNT FIREWORKS ALTERNATIVE
POSTMARKS POSTMARKS Not Provided
REFRIGERATOR BOTTLES OF MAKE UP Not Provided
ROSENVINGE, CHRISTINA CONTINENTAL 62 Not Provided
ROTTING CHRIST THEOGONIA Not Provided
SANDS, J. BREAKS VOL.2 Not Provided
SECONDHAND SERENADE AWAKE ROCK
SHANNON, SARAH CITY MORNING SONG POP
SOFT CIRCLE FULL BLOOM Not Provided
TEDDYBEARS SOFT MACHINE POP
THE SLEEPING BELIEVE WHAT WE TELL YOU ROCK
THERION GOTHIC KABBALAH Not Provided
TISDALE, ASHLEY HEADSTRONG POP
TITAN A RAINING SUN OF LIGHT AND LOVE, FOR YOU AND YOU.. Not Provided
TIVOL EARLY TEETH Not Provided
WHITE MICE BLASSSTPHLEGMEICE Not Provided
WILLIAMSON, ASTRID DAY OF THE LONE WOLF Not Provided
WOODS AT REAR HOUSE Not Provided
WU-TANG & FRIENDS UNRELEASED Not Provided

Well… there you have it folks. Until next week… keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!

Send your cleverly ironic T-Shirts, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

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