Welcome, friends, to another edition of Music for the Masses! How the hell you doing? Me? Why I’m happier than Rosie O’Donnell shopping for flannel shirts right now because I ABSOLUTELY love this time of year. That’s right, now that Thanksgiving has been kicked to the curb like O.J.’s book and T.V. deals, it’s time for me to turn my Attention Deficit Disorder to Christmas, that magical time of year where Christians exchange gifts to celebrate the birth of Santa Clause… or something like that. You know? I probably should have paid more attention in church but seriously, do you have any idea how hard it was to stay awake through that after chugging half a bottle of communion wine? It was all “Blah blah blah”… but I digress. In fact, friends, this year is better than most, because unlike Christmas’s past, I can actually sit back, relax and enjoy the season because my gift-shopping is complete. I shit you not. And do you know who I have to thank for this little miracle? Britney Spears.

In the uncensored pic, it looks like she’s holding a Cornish Rex Cat in her lap.

You see, usually, I’m beating my… umm, head against the wall in a vain attempt to jar loose “present ideas” for all of the “hard-to-shop-for” people in my family. But after seeing that picture of Britney messing up the seat of Paris’ car, I had perfect gift ideas for everyone.

For instance, I took one look at that picture and realized my father, much like Brittany, prefers a “clean, close shave.” So… BAM!!!… dad’s gift is the new Norelco shaver.

Another glance at the picture, between knuckle shuffles, and I think to myself “hmmm…  Aunt Selma could use some new, red drapes…

After a half an hour of staring at the picture, it dawns on me that my grandma needs something to cover her vulv… I mean, Volvo… to protect it from the elements…

Winters in Dubuque can be REALLY harsh. And just as I’m finishing, I think “Oh yeah, Uncle Nancy needs some new mud flaps for ‘his’ truck…”

See what I mean? And you thought I was joking. So say what you want about my little trailer park princess, but the only thing I can say is “Thank you, Brittany!” The world is truly a better place with you in it. Of course, your kid, the one you dropped, probably disagrees, but what the hell does he know? He’s retarded now. The only thing he knows is not to let you pick him up because “mommy gave him a metal plate in his head” and that every time you hit “START” on the microwave, he shits himself and runs into the wall.

But enough about all of that, folks. It’s time now to check out some new music! This week, we check in with a Beatles re-mix and Double A digs deep to check the latest offering from Prince Po. Plus, my 10-year-old nephew Jacob checks in with a review of the new one from +44. Should be fun. So, what do you say? Let’s get to it, shall we??!!

Artist: The Beatles Album: LOVE Bastard Love Child of: George Martin and LSD Best for: Realizing that these 40ish-year-old songs sound better than 98% of the shit being released today.

As I’ve explained to you folks, previously, I love the Beatles… have ever since I was a wee-lad. In fact, while all my friends where out “getting fresh air” and playing the “sports,” I was holed up in my room listening to my dad’s original Beatles albums. Yes, I was a lonely child. Now, what I don’t love is Cirque De Soliel. Not because of the beautiful choreography, mind-boggling stunts and haunting music, but more so because I’m not a big fan of watching ambiguously gay French guys bench pressing each other. Call me “silly pants,” but that’s just the way I roll. I also eat hot dogs with a knife and fork, but I digress… again. So, when I heard that Cirque De Soliel’s new production was going to incorporate the music of the Beatles, I thought, “Wow… wonder what “stunt” they’ll perform for ‘Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?’” and then I didn’t give it another thought.

That is, until this weekend, when I picked it up at the recommendation of a friend (Thanks, Ken!!) and after listening to the Audio DVD in 5.1 sound, mixed and mastered from the original, 4-track recordings, I gotta say… ”HOLY SHIT!! This is an amazing disc!” First and foremost, it sounds fucking incredible. As I noted, that 5.1 mix will blow your mind and I will state, right now for the record (no pun intended), the Beatles have never sounded better on disc. George Martin’s formidable production abilities have never been more vividly on display and his work here with son, Giles, is mesmerizing. In keeping with the spirit of the Beatles, tracks have been reversed, sped up and slowed down, but all of it is original. I take that back… there is ONE “new” track… a string arrangement that George Martin composed to accompany an acoustic version of “While My Guitar Gentle Weeps.” Absolutely brilliant.

Now, fans of the early work will argue that the song selection here is skewed in favor of the band’s more psychedelic material and that song’s like “Octopus’s Garden” and “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!” shouldn’t be focal points of the disc, but like Lance Bass playing butt darts with his boyfriend, you’re just “splitting hairs.” Sure, the tracks that get the most attention (read: that you hear the most of) are from later discs, but with all that is going on here in between and within the songs themselves LOVE actually does a hell of a job sampling the band’s entire career. If you are evenly REMOTELY a fan of this band, this is an absolute must-have and rest assured, you’ve never heard the Beatles quite like this. And oddly enough, after listening to this disc, I now have a new-found admiration for the work of Cirque de Soliel. So, if you’ll excuse me… I have to go put on a cod-piece and do some push-ups.

Rating: 5 out of 5

As I was walking through my local record store, looking for something to review this week, I was perplexed. There was absolutely nothing that I wanted to even listen to. I picked up the Best of Cee-Lo album, but put it down. I don’t mind Cee-Lo, but this album didn’t interest me. I saw The Game sitting on the shelf, and I had opted out of it last week, but it just doesn’t seem to be my speed. Eminem? Hell no. Not even if it were to save my grandmother from being beaten about the face and head by angry men wielding monkey wrenches. Wow, that was a little harsh, wasn’t it? But seriously, fuck Eminem. I’ve heard good things about the Bidman/Lil Wayne album, but again, it just didn’t interest me. But then, as I reached to put back the Birdman disc, I noticed something. It was Prince Po’s Prettyblack. Now to be fair, this album came out a little bit ago, but with the dredge of shit that has come out lately, anything would be better than the options that I was presented with. So I got it, and I’m pretty glad that I did.

Prettyblack is by no means the best rap album to come out this year, but it is light years beyond anything that has come out in recent weeks. The only thing that I’ve ever heard from Prince Po is the song “Copy Cats,” from quite possibly the best rap album ever, Danger Mouse and Jemini’s Ghetto Pop Life. Listening to Prettyblack, the vocal styling’s that made “Copy Cats” a great song on a great disc are all there. Unfortunately, the beats suffer a little. On almost every track, the beats are flat with little variation through the course of the song. I’m not saying that the beats are bad, they’re not, just a little stagnant. The rhymes do more than their part to bring the production up a notch.

One thing that separates this album from a lot of other rappers work is this disc doesn’t feel the need to bring in big, flashy stars to flesh out a weak song. There are a few guest stars on this album, but not a single one that I’ve heard of. But even on the tracks with a guest, Po is front and center, doing his thing on his disc. The best song on the album is “Creep On It” with a nice little bump-iness that’ll get you moving, and Po’s clever lyrics flow with the beat like they are peanut butter and jelly. Or, for those of you who are morbidly obese and aren’t constantly thinking about food, the beat and raps go together like handcuffs and faux fur. Does that simile make sense? Maybe?

Like I said, this isn’t the best rap disc out there, but it is a hella good one. Before you go out and spend your hard earned money on some of the other crap that is clogging the shelves these days, pick this one up. Now, I’m going to go get me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I’ve got to keep up my girlish figure.

Rating: 4 out of 5

REVIEWS BY. . .

Jacob Montana Bell
Des Moines, IA

My CD review is about a CD by the band that used to be Blink 182 but isn’t anymore because two guys from blink 182 made a new CD that I like a lot but not as much as “Ben 10” on Cartoon Network. I like the songs on this CD and they are really good songs and they make me feel like jumping up and down and sometimes they make me want to hit my sister but my dad yells at me when I do that and I don’t like to get into trouble.

My dad says Blink 182 used to be good but then they got wussie and should be on that show “Will and Grace” but I don’t know any Blink 182 and I think that +44 is good no matter what my dad says. He says to go get him a beer and that everyone can think what they want and that is what makes America good and I think Macaroni and Cheese makes America good but my dad says that doesn’t make sense which makes my heart sad.

The best song on the album is the one with the guitars and the drums and goes “when your heart stops beating” or something like that because sometimes it’s hard to hear. My mom told me not to listen to the music too loud because I might mess up my ears but when she leaves dad lets me turn it up as loud as it will go and sit right in front of the speakers. He says that is called rocking out and he tells his friends sometimes that he likes to rock out with his cock out and he doesn’t think that I hear that but I do and one time when I said it my mom made me eat some soap. There are some slow songs on this CD that are really good but not as much fun to rock out to but I don’t care because the singer does good singing and my second favorite song on the CD is “Baby Come on” and I also like “Make You Smile” and “Little Death.” The song “115” and “Lillian” are not very good but “Weatherman” and “Chapter 13” are good and I don’t remember the names of the other songs but I like them and they are good sometimes.

This CD is good and I would tell all my friends in Mrs. Johnson’s third grade class to make their parents get it for them.

UPCOMING RELEASES:

As a public service to you fine folks out there, I’ll be posting the upcoming CD releases going forward. Be careful though, friends, there are a lot of turds in the toilet, if you know what I mean. . .

Dec. 12	AGRESSOR	DEATHREAT
Dec. 12	ALBERTI, ALEJANDRA	ALEJANDRA ALBERTI
Dec. 12	ANTAEUS	BLOOD LIBEL
Dec. 12	AUFGEHOBEN	MESSIDOR
Dec. 12	BENNETT, TONY	AN AMERICAN CLASSIC
Dec. 12	BIG TUCK	THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH
Dec. 12	BUDDHA-BAR	BUDDHA-BAR TEN YEARS
Dec. 12	BUSHWICK BILL	LITTLE BIG MAN
Dec. 12	CAURAL	MIRRORS FOR EYES (2XLP)
Dec. 12	CONTRIVA	SEPERATE CHAMBERS
Dec. 12	CURRENT 93/OM	INERRANT RAYS OF INFALLIBLE SU
Dec. 12	DAHL, IAN VAN	JUST A GIRL
Dec. 12	DIAMOND, NEIL	12 SONGS
Dec. 12	DREY, JENNA	BY THE WAY
Dec. 12	EMINEM	EMINEM PRESENTS: THE RE-UP
Dec. 12	ENTRANCE	PRAYER OF DEATH
Dec. 12	FANTASIA	FANTASIA
Dec. 12	GHOSTFACE KILLAH	MORE FISH
Dec. 12	GIDDY MOTORS	DO EASY
Dec. 12	GORELORD	NORWEGIAN CHAINSAW MASSACRE
Dec. 12	GORGOROTH	ANTICHRIST
Dec. 12	GORGOROTH	INCIPIT SATAN
Dec. 12	GORGOROTH	PENTAGRAM
Dec. 12	GORGOROTH	TWILIGHT OF THE IDOLS
Dec. 12	GORGOROTH	UNDER THE SIGN OF HELL
Dec. 12	GORGOROTH	DESTROYER
Dec. 12	HICKS, TAYLOR	TAYLOR HICKS
Dec. 12	JAY-Z	KINGDOM COME
Dec. 12	JIMMY LEVINE	SHARE MY LOVE
Dec. 12	KARMA	LATENIGHT DAYDREAMING
Dec. 12	KNIGHT, FERN	MUSIC FOR WITCHES AND ALCHEMISTS
Dec. 12	K-THE-I???	BROKEN LOVE LETTER
Dec. 12	LOVELY FEATHERS	MY BEST FRIEND DANIEL
Dec. 12	MARY J. BLIGE	REFLECTIONS – A RETROSPECTIVE
Dec. 12	MIRRORS	13 PATIENT FLOWERS
Dec. 12	MONGIL, MANOLO	VIVO
Dec. 12	NECROPHAGIA	SLIT WRISTS AND CASKET ROT
Dec. 12	NECROPHAGIA	SEASON OF THE DEAD
Dec. 12	NOVY, TOM	IBIZA SESSIONS VOL.2 (2XCD)
Dec. 12	ORIGINAL HAMSTER	TRENDSETTER AND THE FOLLOWERS
Dec. 12	OST	REST STOP DEAD AHEAD
Dec. 12	REINA	ON MY OWN
Dec. 12	SONIC YOUTH	The Destroyed Room: B Sides and Singles
Dec. 12	TAHA, RACHID	DIWAN 2
Dec. 12	TYRESE	ALTER EGO
Dec. 12	YOUNG JEEZY	THE INSPIRATION
Dec. 12	VA	MARY ANNE HOBBS WARRIOR DUBZ
Dec. 12	VA	CHARLOTTE’S WEB
Dec. 12	VA	BRAZILIAN BEATS BROOKLYN (2XLP)
Dec. 12	VARIOUS	BEST OF DA BAY
Dec. 12	VARIOUS	ERAGON: MUSIC FROM THE MOTION PICTURE
Dec. 12	VARIOUS	THE COVENANT
Dec. 19	AGUILERA, CHRISTINA	HURT
Dec. 19	ALARM CLOCKS	THE TIME HAS COME
Dec. 19	BLACK JAK	PLACE YOUR BETS
Dec. 19	BOW WOW	THE PRICE OF FAME
Dec. 19	BROOKLYN LOBSTER	BROOKLYN LOBSTER
Dec. 19	DJ Clue	THE PROFFESSIONAL III
Dec. 19	DO OR DIE	HEADZ OR TAILZ
Dec. 19	GOJOGO	ALL IS FAIR
Dec. 19	GRAND HUSTLE PRESENTS	IN DA STREETZ, VOL. 4
Dec. 19	HARRY PERRY BAND	VIDEO COMMANDER
Dec. 19	JERRY LEE LEWIS	ROCKIN’ WITH THE KILLER
Dec. 19	NAS	HIP HOP IS DEAD
Dec. 19	PACK , THE	SKATEBOARDS 2 SCRAPERS (CD ENHANCED)
Dec. 19	RBD	REBELS
Dec. 19	SLAYER	CHRIST ILLUSION
Dec. 19	STYLES P	TIME IS MONEY
Dec. 19	SUGARCUBES	THE COMPLETE STUDIO ALBUMS
Dec. 19	TRICK DADDY	BACK BY THUG DEMAND
Dec. 19	Soundtrack	Blood Diamond (James Newton Howard)
Dec. 19	Soundtrack	Night At The Museum (Alan Silvestri)
Dec. 19	Soundtrack	We Are Marshall (Christophe Beck)
Dec. 19	Various Artists	Juke Joint Soul!
Dec. 19	Various Artists	The Flow Volume 2
Dec. 19	Various Artists	Variety
Dec. 19	Various Artists	Variety Volume 2
Dec. 19	Various Artists	Massive Dub (2 CD)
Dec. 19	Various Artists	The Ultimate 50’s Collection
Dec. 19	Various Artists	Chicano Riders At The Park [Enhanced CD]

Well, folks, that’s going to do it for me and the gang this week, so… until next time… keep wearing it proud and playing it loud.

Send your homo-erotic work out regimen, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

Comments: 3 Comments