Director: Matthew O’Callaghan
Cast: Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore, David Cross, Eugene Levy, Joan Plowright, Dick Van Dyke, Ed O’Ross
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: The story follows George, the inquisitive little primate transplanted from the jungle to the big city by The Man in the Yellow Hat, where his spunky and fun-loving nature endear him to new friends he meets along the way and lands him in a series of adventures.

This trailer, therefore, delights me.

Now, I am not critiquing this one on its ability to sell me. In the dozens of trailers that I have deconstructed like I was the Caterpillar of the filmic universe I think I am always trying to see what it is that they’re trying to sell me. Here, though, the trailer is a vehicle not to so much sell as it is a prepping tool to the adults who will be forced to take their kids to it. Me? I’m happily going but many adults play the “Who’s-Gonna-Take-Johnny-To-This-One” like it’s a Rock/Paper/Scissors exercise. I say fear not, for the explosions of contrasting colors and vibrant hues of The Man In The Yellow Hat, voiced by Will Ferrell, not only attracts your eyes like a bug zapper to those blue fluorescent bulbs of death but Will really sells the character in the opening sequence.

The palate chosen to draw this feature against really does the books some justice insofar that the backgrounds are really a part of the George universe. That universe may not exist in reality, and as other animation studios have proven with their ability to render life-life environments, but it’s nice to have something close to traditional animation come into the market.

In terms of the scenes chosen to showcase the storyline of this picture it would be useless to describe them. Really, George gets loose in the city, George gets loose in the park, George gets loose in the zoo, George drinks a coffee drink and belches. The latter is important to explain, I think. More and more the public expulsion of gas, be that oral or anal, is put into kids trailers and I don’t think I have a problem with that. It is funny, it will always be funny, and I think that if anyone does have a problem with it I would wonder what that household must be like to live under the notion that bodily functions are reprehensible. I like it and it’s cheeky, all in good fun.

What’s more about this trailer is that even though this movie is dropping in February, a notorious dumping ground for flicks that didn’t quite make the grade for either the holiday season or for other advantageous times in the release calendar throughout the year, this movie doesn’t have to make a big splash. As Jon Favreau pointed out during his press for ZATHURA, kids movies are safe bets for studios because they aren’t really budget hogs and, if you make something fairly good, the odds are in your favor to make your money back. I think that having Will Ferrell is a plus, that Ron Howard is a producer on this thing is another and with a nice, laidback soundtrack by Jack Johnson makes this a movie many parents like me, in their 30’s won’t be so against seeing.

Nothing says love like taking in a movie, being able to sit in the dark, and having your kid shut their yap for 90 minutes in the middle of the day. As Men-On-Film would say, that would be “Fab-You-Lus.”

Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Katherine Heigl, Brian Cox
Release: December 23, 2005
Synopsis: When Steve Barker (Knoxville) finds himself running dead last in the corporate rat race, he sinks to an all time low…he attempts to rig the Special Olympics by pretending to be intellectually challenged. But, Barker is completely out-classed by his fellow Olympians, who are not only better athletes; they’re just plain better people. And they’re on to him. But rather than rat-out the rat, they join forces with him to once and for all beat Jimmy, the cocky reigning champion of the annual games. With a work-out regime uniquely their own, they train Barker to go for the gold and, in the process, show him what’s at the heart of a true winner.

The mere premise of this flick had me gnawing at my knuckles to see whether this could be the one movie of the year where I could go and feel absolutely guilty for watching (I saw JACKASS: THE MOVIE a few times just for the staged insanity of it all) and I even reviewed the teaser trailer WAAAY back a long time ago.

It seems I waited all that time for a half-baked film that overreaches with its idea of what could be funny and stoops to some of the most inane clichés to try and be something more than what it is: a shit looking flick.

We start out pretty bland as well with the voiceover that leads us into the actual film proper. I understand with the real Winter Olympics coming up in a few months that this should be pretty awe inspiring, the grandiose horns and the black and white footage of real athletes striding into an Olympic stadium, but I know what’s coming. The voiceover is an almost ancillary device to the real one where we go to Johnny being an idiot but this smoke and mirrors technique of starting out with something dignified before launching into the absurd, pulling the rug from unsuspecting people like it’s a funny frat joke, is just a lazy way to intro a movie. But, I will admit this: seeing the rube who can’t make it over the high jump, and falls straight down to the ground on his ass because, ostensibly, he’s “handi-capable” is funny, as is Brian Cox’s quick sound bite that he’s going to fix the Special Olympics.

That much is great but it slowly fizzles and it’s all because the premise can’t hold up with what we’re given to chew on, visually. Knoxville’s ruse, when he first opens his mouth and declares what he is, his ailment, is nigh embarrassing to watch. It’s fucking painful, actually.

What’s more is that we’re given lots of Knoxville’s mugging. We see that his initial blurting about how retarded his is just extends into other, more lame attempts to affect the mannerisms of those who are genuinely developmentally disabled. This isn’t to say, though, that I am against this kind of humor. I will readily admit that Damon Wayans’ Handyman was, perhaps, some of the best comedy to deal with this kind of subject matter. It was smart and funny. This is just pathetic.

Also, the extended clip of Brian and Johnny debating the parameters of who gets to park in the handicapped areas and who doesn’t is just, well, lame. It doesn’t so much make me feel one way or the other, giggles or jeers, but it just seems inserted for no reason at all. Its resolution just begs the question, “Why?” I have no idea.

I think that the only thing really insulting is the actual insertion of real people who do have genuine ailments. To use them to pimp your own poorly constructed flick almost seems like a grab at something genuine but all it does to me is instill a shame in even watching this trailer. There is a lot of Johnny falling on his ass, for no good reason, and I can’t figure out why any of this is happening. Is Johnny really mentally unstable? Is he really retarded in the pejorative sense? Again, I have no answers, I only have observations.

And what, ultimately, really incenses me is the way Johnny “comes around” at the end of this trailer by stating that some of the people he’s come to know could compete in the real Olympics and it feels like he’s unduly trying to curry favor with an audience who should see right through this feeble attempt to exonerate the whole idea that his initial actions excuse the rest of what he’s done.

I thought I wanted to see this film, I thought this would be done the way a film like this should be made, but I was wrong. Really wrong.

Director: Josh Stolberg
Cast: Crystal Celeste Grant, Alex Anfanger, Julie Bowen, Malik Yoba, Andrew Shaifer, Nicole Richie
Release: October 21, 2005
Synopsis: A diverse group of high school students band together to peacefully stick it to their overbearing principal.

I did, though, want to see what genre this cookie-cutter teen flick falls into. I’ll admit that I was surprised by the opening. There is some actual potential in a trailer that quietly opens up with a teacher, looking like art guru Bob Ross’ odd woodland cousin, sitting in front of a class, trying to make some kind connection between the movies GREASE, GREASE II and MARY POPPINS. I think I wanted something funny to come roaring at me but instead I get the word “Comedy” from that man’s lips and I’m whisked from that classroom and into the world of teensploitation.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing, per se, there’s the bitchy cheerleaders who, if you’re a fan of Lizzie Mcguire like me, are prevalent at all levels of school based programming, the hard core gym teacher (I did like the way the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series dealt with the overbearing gym coach in that really creepy way) and the tough as spit principal who’s not going to take any lip.

I fear that the happy-joy feelings I started to cultivate are getting destroyed by what seems to be the heinous direct-to-video offerings of the once great National Lampoon imprint; I mean, my God, have you seen the product literally clogging the shelves at your local video store? I don’t think, even if I was 13 again, would I rent those films, even if there was the possibility of some soft-core frontal action.

Alas, it is every worst-case scenario come to life as this trailer rolls on. Not even the inclusion of Rosanna Arquette, Elizabeth Perkins and Julie Bowen (who were all obviously late on their H3 payments and needed some quick flash money) can save this trailer. I don’t expect much out of my high school themed productions but when there isn’t any scene I can bring up here to even give props to there are major issues abounding everywhere.

You have the entire cadre of clichés, personalities, plot and there is even the hint of knowing how exactly this movie will end. Life is tough in high school, evil principal and uncaring teachers enforce rules with little regard to reality, a handful of kids stand up against establishment, kids liberate the hearts and minds of everyone.

Now, the only question left to answer is how long will it take before this movie is whisked away from major distribution and put alongside the latest offerings from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

For shame. Where’s Christian Slater when you need him?

Director: Saul Metzstein
Cast: Jason Biggs, Natascha McElhone, Jeremy Northam Michael Ironside, Sean Tucker
Release: October 28th, 2005
Synopsis: A black comedy set in 1979, about a soldier mistakenly posted to an Arctic military base.

Trailer after trailer I was stopping a few seconds in, others were better as I waited an entire minute before shutting them off. However, when I stumbled on this one I couldn’t help myself but be amazed at the lunacy factor that this flick gives off like radioactive particles tickling an isotope identifier.

I’ve never been a huge Jason Biggs fan, and I do understand the concept of appreciating one’s work without having a shrine dedicated to their ability to fake being someone on the screen, but I like him. His presence has grown on me and I think it was only after I watched JERSEY GIRL last weekend, realizing it honestly is an unsung gem of a flick, that I let this trailer play itself out.

I’m glad I did because this is an odd bird of a trailer if there ever was one which deals with Jason’s accidental placement on a remote base as a soldier in Greenland. What I think I appreciate a great deal in this trailer is that it’s quick to set things up. That’s a good thing because without a real “name” in the film that someone can admire a few seconds you run the risk of someone tuning out. This trailer doesn’t afford you that possibility. Straight up, this is 1979 and it’s far from anywhere. Thanks, really, I appreciate that information. It’s just a little info but I appreciate the honesty.

Seeing Jason slush his way through the mess hall on his first day there, sitting across from Natascha McElhone, a delightful actress who really deserved a little more time in THE TRUMAN SHOW, and finding out that, no, it’s not Hawaii he’s at but at a place a little more chilly.

Now, because he’s in the wrong place, and is denied the opportunity to leave the base because of his “skillz,” he’s all out of sorts. This no doubt being an issue to Jason, and his less than positive attitude at being there, the soldiers themselves seem to be suffering a bit from what Inuit call Pibloktog or Windigo among the Cree, seeing chicks run around in Army olive colored bikinis, it’s nice to see the aggression of some who insist Jason get off his ass. Seeing some dude scream really loud that, “You got guard duty, you piece of shit,” while not really something readily translatable for television audiences it does, however, make the Internets a nice place to see this kind of material.

Also, the inclusion of Jeremy “THE NET” Northam and, holy crap, Michael Ironside as a man with virtually no name, and that sexy throaty speak which I bet the chicks dig, add a certain something to this film about a man who just wants to get away from this one base in the middle of nowhere. Jason really fits well into this movie and it honestly shows. No longer does he seem awkward but he commands the space he takes up in this trailer.

This has the sheen of CATCH-22, a movie which doesn’t seem like requisite watching for many folks, but like BUFFALO SOLDIERS I am almost willing to portend that this movie won’t find its audience. War movies are like kids movies with the kind of built-in audience it has but most any flick which deals with some of the blacker areas of enlisted life have a harder time with people in getting them to watch. I don’t know why because watching this trailer only engenders curiosity and eagerness in me.

Director: Rob Reiner
Cast: Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner, Shirley MacLaine, Mark Ruffalo, Mena Suvari
Release: December 25, 2005
Synopsis: Jennifer Aniston plays a woman who learns that her family was the inspiration for the book and film “The Graduate” — and that she just might be the offspring of the well-documented event.

I understand the nature of these films. Hell, I am even willing to put out there that these are a necessary evil in that they help get smaller projects the kind of fiscal help they wouldn’t have received in the first place thanks to the blue hairs and AARP discount tickets these last bastions of true milquetoast studio pictures are able to generate.

Thankfully, I’m not let down by the opening which looks like it was lit by a crew of German Nazis who are well versed in the power of klieg lighting. I mean, jeez, look at the faces of Ruffalo and Aniston as the Ms. asks Ruffalo if he’d like to do a little vertical taco noshing at 30,000 feet. His pores seemingly leap off the screen as does Aniston’s droopy lids which are starting to show signs of human normalcy which I like to call aging. The premise of these two coming together is fairly hot but in the context of this scene it all feels quite un-hot and embarrassingly lame. Hey, I would hit that like Farrah Faucet after a long night of binge drinking before having the cops called on me but I just felt a quick need to leave the scene. Thankfully, we do.

Cue lame yet hauntingly jaunty orchestral string movement.

Wow, now this is interesting, the set design used for the interiors is refreshingly original and hearkens to a time I can’t quite place. Oh, yes I can, MEET THE PARENTS. That’s right, oh, and FATHER OF THE BRIDE. You say this movie is about a girl who’s about to get married? Oh, surely you jest! What passes for a lifelike environment just appears to be leftovers from scads of different flicks set in an upper-middle class, white, WASPy to be sure, suburbia; a utopia that is far removed from normalcy, reality or anything resembling an actual weather system. And speaking of Old Man Winter, you get the pleasure of seeing Shirly MacLaine in all out-of-body glory. The woman looks positively bathed in some rejuvenating baby oil, slicker than a Slip N’ Slide if I could speak candidly, and I honestly don’t think she looks anything older than 65. The woman simply looks like she is going to beat Dick Clark at this Fountain of Youth competition. Darren Aronofsky could’ve saved himself shitloads of cash to make his vision of THE FOUNTAIN by casting the two of them to battle for supremacy of some Pond’s Youth Defining lotion.

When at first you think this is going to be flick starring Ruffalo and Aniston you are quickly schooled with a swift monkey punch to the gooch as the big reveal is that Shirley MacLaine is, once more, made out to be the sex kitten that she isn’t. Not to take anything away from her but aren’t there any more mature looking ladies who could’ve done this part? Anyone? Tossing Kevin Costner into the mix, playing Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson” is damn near blasphemy in my book but, you’re all right, I hear you, this movie was not genetically engineered with me in mind.

Oh, and I must share this, the coup de grace of it all? That Kevin and Jennifer have a fling? Besides the age difference which doesn’t affect me, it’s the weird goings on with Kevin’s hair that alarms me. It looks like graying peach fuzz and it just kills any hotness I could fervently muster to try and see past it all. I just can’t believe it.

There is a moment where Mark obviously learns about the affair and I think, honestly think, as he’s going to give Jennifer a nice doling out of Alabama Backhand justice but it’s all bark and no bite as I am once more reminded of Shirley’s propensity for liquor, odd as it is, in damn near every movie of hers that I’ve been harangued into seeing. She’s like a tart that won’t ever realize her limitations as an older lady; it’s no longer sexy, it’s saddening.

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